January 12, 2025 • 16 mins
A look back at space traveling billionaire Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, and the headlines he’s made over the years.
Desi Lydic narrates a Dailyshowography of Jeff’s dorky roots as History’s Most Powerful Nerd. Trevor Noah and Desi Lydic investigate the news and rumors surrounding Bezos’s divorce. A look at how Saudi Arabia hacked his phone to leak nudes. Plus Trevor breaks down Bezos stepping down as CEO amidst an Amazon labor dispute.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
America has always been home to titans of industry, but
only one capitalist and history has ever been this much
of a Georgian.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
I'm Jeff Bezos.
Speaker 4 (00:21):
I'm the founder of Amazon dot Com.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
This is the daily showography of Jeff Bezos, History's most
powerful nerd. Born to teenage parents in Albuquerque, New Mexico,
Jeff's identity asserted itself early.
Speaker 4 (00:38):
I was very nerdy and good student.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
I liked school.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
His favorite place in the world was radio Shack, where
he developed an appreciation for technology, cheap garbage from China,
and underpaying workers. After graduating from high school as valedictorian,
Jeff attended Princeton, one of the best colleges for nerds.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Socially, I was a little awkward.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
I didn't really date much until like my last year
of college. Actually, I so sort of a formal plan
to date. I'll had all my friends something up on
blind dates. None of them worked out very well.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Yes, despite many positive reviews from his friends, women found
the actual product wasn't what they had been led to believe.
After college, Bezos joined a Wall Street hedge fund. On
Wall Street, Bezos also found something almost as good as money,
his future ex wife, Mackenzie Scott. She would later tell
(01:34):
Vogue Magazine it was Jeff's laugh that made her fall
in love with him. Hey, sometimes love is blind and death.
It was around this time that Jeff noticed that the
world was changing.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
Came across the startling statistic that web usage was growing
at twenty three hundred percent a year. So I decided
I would try and find a business plan that made
sense in the context of that growth, and I picked
books as the first best product to sell online.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
With a quarter million dollar investment from his parents, a
garage to work from, and mc hammer Khaki's Bezos launched
his empireot Within a few years, Amazon went from online
bookseller to Wall Street Darling to the so called everything store.
Third party vendors could sell literally anything on Amazon's website,
from stuff to put in your butt to stuff you
(02:27):
shouldn't put in your butt but will anyway because you're
not a coward. Amazon was taking the world by storm,
and while Bezos was still literally the nerdiest person in
the world.
Speaker 4 (02:38):
My watch updates itself from the atomic clock thirty six
times a day, if that gives you an indication.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
He was driving Amazon into the future, a future of
non stop grow. How did Jeff Bezos transform himself into
a life sized Oscar statue by using his big nerdy
brain to devise a perfect growth plan to expand his
business and his body. Since starting Amazon, Bezos has amassed
(03:07):
a net worth of two hundred billion dollars, money that
he's used to make the world a better place. Sure,
he spent some of it on a super yacht that
has its own yacht in the world's fastest jet and
like a shit ton of mansions, exotic food, a prehistoric
bear skeleton, and some gigantic clock that only takes once
a year. But he also gave back. Yeah, Bezos paid
(03:28):
zero federal income taxes for two years. Maybe not to
his country, but he has given nearly one point five
percent of his net worth to charity. And while he
didn't share much of his wealth with Amazon workers, he
definitely helped them to boldly go where no one has
gone before.
Speaker 5 (03:44):
Amazon workers have to pee into bottles because.
Speaker 6 (03:46):
Of Amazon's stringent quotas keep them too busy to go
to the bathroom.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
You know what they say, Teach a man to fish,
he eats for a day. Teach a man to piss
in a bottle while he eats his fish, he only
has to take a two minute lunch break. Jeff's plan
was working perfectly, but there was one thing his plan
didn't take into account, that all his success would go
(04:11):
to his head.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
The National Inquirer obtained nude photos of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
The pictures and racy text messages from Bezos to his girlfriend,
Lauren Sanchez led to the end of his marriage.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
With one stupid mistake, Jeff lost the thing that was
most important to him in all the world, thirty eight
billion dollars. Jeff had hit rock bottom. He had literally
showed the world his dick. But soon he would bounce
back by showing the world his bigger, shinier, rocket powered
dick and riding it to the Cosmos.
Speaker 6 (04:45):
Tonight mission accomplished. Jeff Bezos launches into.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Space in the first unpiloted, fully civilian suble riddled flight. Yes,
Bezos accomplished his boyhood dream and same day shipped himself
into the stars. Bezos had finally done it. He finally
made space travels seem uncool.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
I also, I want to thank every Amazon employee and
every Amazon customer because you guys paid for all of this.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
And now the world knows the real Jeff Bezos as
well as Jeff Bezos knows himself.
Speaker 4 (05:19):
I always worked really hard.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
I was nerdy.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
You were nerdy.
Speaker 4 (05:23):
I was nerdy. That hasn't changed, by the way.
Speaker 6 (05:33):
Let's take a moment to get into business and talk
about Amazon. They're the reason you were able to do
all of your holiday shopping without wearing pants. That shit
doesn't fly it best by trust me, I've tried, and
now Amazon is finding new ways to keep you coming back.
Speaker 5 (05:49):
Amazon is sending shoppers free samples curated to their tastes
as part of the company's push into advertising axios, reporting
products free of charge that you may like are going
to show up on your doorstep, and it's all based
on your purchase history on the website.
Speaker 6 (06:03):
Okay, I like the idea, but how's Amazon going to
send you a sample of something? I mean, I get
how that would work with like food or shampoo, But
Amazon sells everything. Are they gonna send you like half
a TV, the handle of a coffee mug, just the
tip of a dildo. You're like, if you enjoyed this sample,
(06:25):
you'll love the shaft but free samples aren't the biggest
story about Amazon today because just this morning, Jeff Bezos,
Amazon CEO and the winner of Capitalism, announced that he
and his wife, Mackenzie, are getting divorced. Now, we joke
a lot about Amazon, but it is sad to see
any relationship not workout. Thankfully, it does sound amicable, and
(06:47):
we wish both of them the best because at the
end of the day, we're all people here. We know
how it feels to go through a tough breakup. I
don't think there's a joke about that. Unless you are
a financial analyst at CNBC, then there is something funny,
you know, because you you watch these people who are
trying to talk about human emotions on air for the
very first time.
Speaker 5 (07:07):
Jeff Bezos tweets a few moments ago that he's getting divorced.
Speaker 6 (07:11):
Yeah, that was somewhat surprise him.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
Yeah, Mackenzie Bezos will become one of the richest people.
Speaker 6 (07:18):
In the world. Unclear what and where her interests may
lie in terms of that. Listen, you know, I don't
care if the richest guy in the world or not.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Getting divorce is is never fun. I'm sure you know
it's the crazest thing to tweet this.
Speaker 6 (07:34):
It is. I don't know what else to say other
than the fact that he didn't need to do it,
and the man tweeted it.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
You didn't need to.
Speaker 7 (07:40):
Yeah, a lot of times you kind of.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
Don't really kind of talk about it kind of, you know,
I mean kind of, I mean, you know what I mean.
Speaker 6 (07:47):
Kind yeah, right, well right, it's like, wow, business Louis
c Ko. But they didn't do well with that information.
Uh yeah, Emotional news is not his strong suit and
I'm glad he's on CNBC and not working as a veterinarian.
You know, it's just be like, so you're a cat,
he kind of you know, his his thyroid and then
(08:10):
he's kidney kind of which for felines I don't know.
But anyway, here's these ashes, you know what i mean.
So law on the Bezos divorce, I'm joined by our
financial analysts. Does he, like, like everybody as as awkward
as CNBC's divorce therapist. You can't deny that there is
(08:32):
a huge financial aspect to this story.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Oh yeah, now that's true, Trevor. This is a huge deal.
Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world and
under Washington state law, he has to split everything he's
earned during their marriage fifty to fifty. McKenzie Bezos will
get sixty six billion dollars. Yeah, this is the biggest
transfer of wealth since Warren Buffett left his debit card
(08:56):
at McDonald's drive through.
Speaker 6 (08:59):
Sixty six billion dollars. I can't imagine having that much money,
let alone losing that much money.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Yeah, and you're really rich, Trevor. I mean, there was
a whole week where you just paid us to speak
for you. But look, Jeff Bezos will be fine. Don't
worry about Jeff Bezos. Okay, he'll be fine. He's still
gonna have sixty six billion dollars. I mean, he's not
(09:26):
gonna be one of those divorce dads eating spaghettios over
the sink of his studio apartment. He'll be eating spaghettios
over the Mediterranean from the third story of his yacht. Oh,
which reminds me this story is brought to you by spaghettios. Spaghettios.
Divorce is hard, but so is boiling pasta.
Speaker 6 (09:46):
Actually, Dosi, some of us like spaghetios for the flavo
in the shapes, you know, But whatever, So you think
this divorce settlement is fair?
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Oh yeah, no, definitely. A marriage is a partnership. Mackenzie
Bezos twenty five years helping her husband grow his business
and grow his swagger. I mean, look at that. He
went from fleated pants salesman to jacked up arms dealer.
Am I right, Yeah, it's totally fair. Look, but that
chapter is now closed. Okay, it's over now, And this
(10:17):
next phase is crucial. You have a wealthy person navigating
a painful time in their lives, unsure about what to
do next. And here's where I cannot stress this enough.
It is so important to get married again right away.
Find some someone blonde who will take care of you,
you know, like a like a city gal who also
(10:40):
feels at home on your private island. Someone who will
divorce my husband at the drop of a hat.
Speaker 6 (10:45):
Oh whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa Wait WAITSI does he
come on? This is weird. Just come on the show
to pitch yourself as a spouse for Jeff Bezos.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Oh whoa, whoa what?
Speaker 6 (10:55):
No? How dare you? Trevor?
Speaker 1 (10:57):
No, I am pitching myself as this else for Mackenzie Bezos. Yeah,
this woman, this woman is beautiful. She's an accomplished author,
She's studied under Tony Morrison at Princeton.
Speaker 6 (11:13):
And now she's worth sixty six billion dollars.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Oh is she rights?
Speaker 6 (11:18):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (11:18):
No, yes, now she has worth sixty six billion dollars.
I mean you say she's a whole package. Mackenzie, call me.
I can be on a plane tomorrow or today if
you use Prime the future.
Speaker 6 (11:30):
Missus, Mackenzie Bezos says, held like everyone Jeff Bezos. Two
months ago, the Amazon CEO and shaved muppet revealed that
his nude photos had been leaked to the National Enquirer.
(11:50):
That's right. They somehow got pictures of his Amazon package,
and now the big surprise is how they may have
gotten them.
Speaker 8 (11:58):
This morning, an exclusive new claim that Amazon CEO Jeff
Bezos was targeted in an alleged phone hacking scheme conducted
by Saudi Arabia. Bezos launched his own private investigation in
an effort to determine who leaked the intimate text messages
and racy photos published in a bombshell National Inquirer story
about the billionaire's extra marital affair with girlfriend Lauren Sanchez.
(12:23):
Our investigators and several experts concluded with high confidence that
the Saudis had access to Bezos's phone and gained private information.
Speaker 6 (12:32):
Okay, I give up. If the world's biggest tech CEO
can get his phone hacked, the rest of us don't
stand the chance. Now, I'm serious. I'm just gonna go
ahead and send my dick picture Saudi Arabia right now.
Save them the trouble. They've probably like, no, Trevor, we
don't want to see. Are too late? Too late? You
got them all? The third one's my favorites. But seriously, though,
(12:56):
like you would think that Jeff Bezos would be impossible
to but I guess at the same time it is
Jeff Bezos, which means you can probably get into his
face ID using any thumb.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Ah.
Speaker 6 (13:06):
But all right, let's move on. Amazon. It's the reason
you stayed up until three am reading reviews of paper clips. Yesterday,
founder and evil doorknob Jeff Bezos announced that he'll be
stepping down at CEO to become the company's executive chair,
(13:27):
where he'll dedicate his time to things like philanthropy and
space travel. And can I just say, you know you're
rich when you're like, I'm retiring to spend more time
with other planets. Although if we're honest, he's not exactly retiring, right.
Jeff Bezos says he's transitioning to the role of executive chair. Now.
(13:47):
I don't know exactly what an executive chair is, but
I looked it up on Google and it looks like this,
and I guess that's just a perk of being a billionaire.
You can get plastic surgery to look like a chair
and still have money to go to space. I mean,
whatever makes you happy, man. What I was like, like's
a position either way. I just wanted to say congratulations
(14:09):
to Jeff Bezos. I mean, what he created is a
testament to the power of innovation and the simple dream
of destroying bookstores. Now, in case you're worried, Jeff Bezos
will be fine without having a steady income. I mean, sure,
he's no longer the richest person in the world after
being passed by future Batman villain Elon Musk, but he's
still worth one hundred and eighty four point six billion
(14:32):
dollars and he made that money the way any billionaire does,
hard work, smart investments, and mugging delivery guys.
Speaker 7 (14:40):
An other Amazon News the e commerce giant agreed to
pay nearly sixty two million dollars to settle charges it
skimmed tips for delivery drivers. The Federal Trade Commission says
Amazon began pocketing some tips from customers to drivers between
twenty sixteen and twenty nineteen. The FTC says the e
commerce giant assured drivers who were part of the Amazon
Flex program that they were still receiving all of their tips.
Speaker 6 (15:04):
No, I'm sorry, guys, know how rich do you have
to be? Huh? Amazon is worth a trillion dollar trillion
dollars and still it's sneaking tips away from its drivers.
Like nah, man, no tip from that house either. I
know it's crazy, right, but Amazon can get away with
this because they're not a real person. You see, if
(15:25):
a real person got caught at a boss stealing tips
from the table, there'd be a fight. And maybe that's
actually what needs to happen. You know, if a company
does something that would get a person's ass beat, then
that company has to pick an executive to get his
ass beats. Yeah, that way, that'd be at least somebody
at Amazon who would have said, no, guys, guys, guys,
we're not stealing tips. I can't get thrown through another window. Guys,
(15:49):
So just to point someone like that, you know, you
can even give him a made up title like executive chair. Wait,
so it's a real thing. Explore more shows from the
Daily Show podcast universe by searching.
Speaker 4 (16:07):
The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 6 (16:11):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus
Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
America has always been home to titans of industry, but
only one capitalist and history has ever been this much
of a Georgian.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
I'm Jeff Bezos.
Speaker 4 (00:21):
I'm the founder of Amazon dot Com.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
This is the daily showography of Jeff Bezos, History's most
powerful nerd. Born to teenage parents in Albuquerque, New Mexico,
Jeff's identity asserted itself early.
Speaker 4 (00:38):
I was very nerdy and good student.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
I liked school.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
His favorite place in the world was radio Shack, where
he developed an appreciation for technology, cheap garbage from China,
and underpaying workers. After graduating from high school as valedictorian,
Jeff attended Princeton, one of the best colleges for nerds.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Socially, I was a little awkward.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
I didn't really date much until like my last year
of college. Actually, I so sort of a formal plan
to date. I'll had all my friends something up on
blind dates. None of them worked out very well.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Yes, despite many positive reviews from his friends, women found
the actual product wasn't what they had been led to believe.
After college, Bezos joined a Wall Street hedge fund. On
Wall Street, Bezos also found something almost as good as money,
his future ex wife, Mackenzie Scott. She would later tell
(01:34):
Vogue Magazine it was Jeff's laugh that made her fall
in love with him. Hey, sometimes love is blind and death.
It was around this time that Jeff noticed that the
world was changing.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
Came across the startling statistic that web usage was growing
at twenty three hundred percent a year. So I decided
I would try and find a business plan that made
sense in the context of that growth, and I picked
books as the first best product to sell online.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
With a quarter million dollar investment from his parents, a
garage to work from, and mc hammer Khaki's Bezos launched
his empireot Within a few years, Amazon went from online
bookseller to Wall Street Darling to the so called everything store.
Third party vendors could sell literally anything on Amazon's website,
from stuff to put in your butt to stuff you
(02:27):
shouldn't put in your butt but will anyway because you're
not a coward. Amazon was taking the world by storm,
and while Bezos was still literally the nerdiest person in
the world.
Speaker 4 (02:38):
My watch updates itself from the atomic clock thirty six
times a day, if that gives you an indication.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
He was driving Amazon into the future, a future of
non stop grow. How did Jeff Bezos transform himself into
a life sized Oscar statue by using his big nerdy
brain to devise a perfect growth plan to expand his
business and his body. Since starting Amazon, Bezos has amassed
(03:07):
a net worth of two hundred billion dollars, money that
he's used to make the world a better place. Sure,
he spent some of it on a super yacht that
has its own yacht in the world's fastest jet and
like a shit ton of mansions, exotic food, a prehistoric
bear skeleton, and some gigantic clock that only takes once
a year. But he also gave back. Yeah, Bezos paid
(03:28):
zero federal income taxes for two years. Maybe not to
his country, but he has given nearly one point five
percent of his net worth to charity. And while he
didn't share much of his wealth with Amazon workers, he
definitely helped them to boldly go where no one has
gone before.
Speaker 5 (03:44):
Amazon workers have to pee into bottles because.
Speaker 6 (03:46):
Of Amazon's stringent quotas keep them too busy to go
to the bathroom.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
You know what they say, Teach a man to fish,
he eats for a day. Teach a man to piss
in a bottle while he eats his fish, he only
has to take a two minute lunch break. Jeff's plan
was working perfectly, but there was one thing his plan
didn't take into account, that all his success would go
(04:11):
to his head.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
The National Inquirer obtained nude photos of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
The pictures and racy text messages from Bezos to his girlfriend,
Lauren Sanchez led to the end of his marriage.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
With one stupid mistake, Jeff lost the thing that was
most important to him in all the world, thirty eight
billion dollars. Jeff had hit rock bottom. He had literally
showed the world his dick. But soon he would bounce
back by showing the world his bigger, shinier, rocket powered
dick and riding it to the Cosmos.
Speaker 6 (04:45):
Tonight mission accomplished. Jeff Bezos launches into.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Space in the first unpiloted, fully civilian suble riddled flight. Yes,
Bezos accomplished his boyhood dream and same day shipped himself
into the stars. Bezos had finally done it. He finally
made space travels seem uncool.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
I also, I want to thank every Amazon employee and
every Amazon customer because you guys paid for all of this.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
And now the world knows the real Jeff Bezos as
well as Jeff Bezos knows himself.
Speaker 4 (05:19):
I always worked really hard.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
I was nerdy.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
You were nerdy.
Speaker 4 (05:23):
I was nerdy. That hasn't changed, by the way.
Speaker 6 (05:33):
Let's take a moment to get into business and talk
about Amazon. They're the reason you were able to do
all of your holiday shopping without wearing pants. That shit
doesn't fly it best by trust me, I've tried, and
now Amazon is finding new ways to keep you coming back.
Speaker 5 (05:49):
Amazon is sending shoppers free samples curated to their tastes
as part of the company's push into advertising axios, reporting
products free of charge that you may like are going
to show up on your doorstep, and it's all based
on your purchase history on the website.
Speaker 6 (06:03):
Okay, I like the idea, but how's Amazon going to
send you a sample of something? I mean, I get
how that would work with like food or shampoo, But
Amazon sells everything. Are they gonna send you like half
a TV, the handle of a coffee mug, just the
tip of a dildo. You're like, if you enjoyed this sample,
(06:25):
you'll love the shaft but free samples aren't the biggest
story about Amazon today because just this morning, Jeff Bezos,
Amazon CEO and the winner of Capitalism, announced that he
and his wife, Mackenzie, are getting divorced. Now, we joke
a lot about Amazon, but it is sad to see
any relationship not workout. Thankfully, it does sound amicable, and
(06:47):
we wish both of them the best because at the
end of the day, we're all people here. We know
how it feels to go through a tough breakup. I
don't think there's a joke about that. Unless you are
a financial analyst at CNBC, then there is something funny,
you know, because you you watch these people who are
trying to talk about human emotions on air for the
very first time.
Speaker 5 (07:07):
Jeff Bezos tweets a few moments ago that he's getting divorced.
Speaker 6 (07:11):
Yeah, that was somewhat surprise him.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
Yeah, Mackenzie Bezos will become one of the richest people.
Speaker 6 (07:18):
In the world. Unclear what and where her interests may
lie in terms of that. Listen, you know, I don't
care if the richest guy in the world or not.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Getting divorce is is never fun. I'm sure you know
it's the crazest thing to tweet this.
Speaker 6 (07:34):
It is. I don't know what else to say other
than the fact that he didn't need to do it,
and the man tweeted it.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
You didn't need to.
Speaker 7 (07:40):
Yeah, a lot of times you kind of.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
Don't really kind of talk about it kind of, you know,
I mean kind of, I mean, you know what I mean.
Speaker 6 (07:47):
Kind yeah, right, well right, it's like, wow, business Louis
c Ko. But they didn't do well with that information.
Uh yeah, Emotional news is not his strong suit and
I'm glad he's on CNBC and not working as a veterinarian.
You know, it's just be like, so you're a cat,
he kind of you know, his his thyroid and then
(08:10):
he's kidney kind of which for felines I don't know.
But anyway, here's these ashes, you know what i mean.
So law on the Bezos divorce, I'm joined by our
financial analysts. Does he, like, like everybody as as awkward
as CNBC's divorce therapist. You can't deny that there is
(08:32):
a huge financial aspect to this story.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Oh yeah, now that's true, Trevor. This is a huge deal.
Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world and
under Washington state law, he has to split everything he's
earned during their marriage fifty to fifty. McKenzie Bezos will
get sixty six billion dollars. Yeah, this is the biggest
transfer of wealth since Warren Buffett left his debit card
(08:56):
at McDonald's drive through.
Speaker 6 (08:59):
Sixty six billion dollars. I can't imagine having that much money,
let alone losing that much money.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Yeah, and you're really rich, Trevor. I mean, there was
a whole week where you just paid us to speak
for you. But look, Jeff Bezos will be fine. Don't
worry about Jeff Bezos. Okay, he'll be fine. He's still
gonna have sixty six billion dollars. I mean, he's not
(09:26):
gonna be one of those divorce dads eating spaghettios over
the sink of his studio apartment. He'll be eating spaghettios
over the Mediterranean from the third story of his yacht. Oh,
which reminds me this story is brought to you by spaghettios. Spaghettios.
Divorce is hard, but so is boiling pasta.
Speaker 6 (09:46):
Actually, Dosi, some of us like spaghetios for the flavo
in the shapes, you know, But whatever, So you think
this divorce settlement is fair?
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Oh yeah, no, definitely. A marriage is a partnership. Mackenzie
Bezos twenty five years helping her husband grow his business
and grow his swagger. I mean, look at that. He
went from fleated pants salesman to jacked up arms dealer.
Am I right, Yeah, it's totally fair. Look, but that
chapter is now closed. Okay, it's over now, And this
(10:17):
next phase is crucial. You have a wealthy person navigating
a painful time in their lives, unsure about what to
do next. And here's where I cannot stress this enough.
It is so important to get married again right away.
Find some someone blonde who will take care of you,
you know, like a like a city gal who also
(10:40):
feels at home on your private island. Someone who will
divorce my husband at the drop of a hat.
Speaker 6 (10:45):
Oh whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa Wait WAITSI does he
come on? This is weird. Just come on the show
to pitch yourself as a spouse for Jeff Bezos.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Oh whoa, whoa what?
Speaker 6 (10:55):
No? How dare you? Trevor?
Speaker 1 (10:57):
No, I am pitching myself as this else for Mackenzie Bezos. Yeah,
this woman, this woman is beautiful. She's an accomplished author,
She's studied under Tony Morrison at Princeton.
Speaker 6 (11:13):
And now she's worth sixty six billion dollars.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Oh is she rights?
Speaker 6 (11:18):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (11:18):
No, yes, now she has worth sixty six billion dollars.
I mean you say she's a whole package. Mackenzie, call me.
I can be on a plane tomorrow or today if
you use Prime the future.
Speaker 6 (11:30):
Missus, Mackenzie Bezos says, held like everyone Jeff Bezos. Two
months ago, the Amazon CEO and shaved muppet revealed that
his nude photos had been leaked to the National Enquirer.
(11:50):
That's right. They somehow got pictures of his Amazon package,
and now the big surprise is how they may have
gotten them.
Speaker 8 (11:58):
This morning, an exclusive new claim that Amazon CEO Jeff
Bezos was targeted in an alleged phone hacking scheme conducted
by Saudi Arabia. Bezos launched his own private investigation in
an effort to determine who leaked the intimate text messages
and racy photos published in a bombshell National Inquirer story
about the billionaire's extra marital affair with girlfriend Lauren Sanchez.
(12:23):
Our investigators and several experts concluded with high confidence that
the Saudis had access to Bezos's phone and gained private information.
Speaker 6 (12:32):
Okay, I give up. If the world's biggest tech CEO
can get his phone hacked, the rest of us don't
stand the chance. Now, I'm serious. I'm just gonna go
ahead and send my dick picture Saudi Arabia right now.
Save them the trouble. They've probably like, no, Trevor, we
don't want to see. Are too late? Too late? You
got them all? The third one's my favorites. But seriously, though,
(12:56):
like you would think that Jeff Bezos would be impossible
to but I guess at the same time it is
Jeff Bezos, which means you can probably get into his
face ID using any thumb.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Ah.
Speaker 6 (13:06):
But all right, let's move on. Amazon. It's the reason
you stayed up until three am reading reviews of paper clips. Yesterday,
founder and evil doorknob Jeff Bezos announced that he'll be
stepping down at CEO to become the company's executive chair,
(13:27):
where he'll dedicate his time to things like philanthropy and
space travel. And can I just say, you know you're
rich when you're like, I'm retiring to spend more time
with other planets. Although if we're honest, he's not exactly retiring, right.
Jeff Bezos says he's transitioning to the role of executive chair. Now.
(13:47):
I don't know exactly what an executive chair is, but
I looked it up on Google and it looks like this,
and I guess that's just a perk of being a billionaire.
You can get plastic surgery to look like a chair
and still have money to go to space. I mean,
whatever makes you happy, man. What I was like, like's
a position either way. I just wanted to say congratulations
(14:09):
to Jeff Bezos. I mean, what he created is a
testament to the power of innovation and the simple dream
of destroying bookstores. Now, in case you're worried, Jeff Bezos
will be fine without having a steady income. I mean, sure,
he's no longer the richest person in the world after
being passed by future Batman villain Elon Musk, but he's
still worth one hundred and eighty four point six billion
(14:32):
dollars and he made that money the way any billionaire does,
hard work, smart investments, and mugging delivery guys.
Speaker 7 (14:40):
An other Amazon News the e commerce giant agreed to
pay nearly sixty two million dollars to settle charges it
skimmed tips for delivery drivers. The Federal Trade Commission says
Amazon began pocketing some tips from customers to drivers between
twenty sixteen and twenty nineteen. The FTC says the e
commerce giant assured drivers who were part of the Amazon
Flex program that they were still receiving all of their tips.
Speaker 6 (15:04):
No, I'm sorry, guys, know how rich do you have
to be? Huh? Amazon is worth a trillion dollar trillion
dollars and still it's sneaking tips away from its drivers.
Like nah, man, no tip from that house either. I
know it's crazy, right, but Amazon can get away with
this because they're not a real person. You see, if
(15:25):
a real person got caught at a boss stealing tips
from the table, there'd be a fight. And maybe that's
actually what needs to happen. You know, if a company
does something that would get a person's ass beat, then
that company has to pick an executive to get his
ass beats. Yeah, that way, that'd be at least somebody
at Amazon who would have said, no, guys, guys, guys,
we're not stealing tips. I can't get thrown through another window. Guys,
(15:49):
So just to point someone like that, you know, you
can even give him a made up title like executive chair. Wait,
so it's a real thing. Explore more shows from the
Daily Show podcast universe by searching.
Speaker 4 (16:07):
The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 6 (16:11):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus
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