June 25, 2025 • 29 mins
Escape the heat with a cold glass of death! TDS covers the downsides of summer.
Jon Stewart reports on the dangers of summer shark attacks with help from Matt Walsh. Lewis Black finds out about adult summer camps. Stephen Colbert dives deeper into danger, discovering the Summer of Anything. Jon and some hippies celebrate a summer solstice solar eclipse, and yearns for the simplicity of only worrying about sharks. Ronny Chieng maintains that summer is the worst season. Lewis Black returns to count even more ways summer is trying to kill us.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Summer two thousand and one will be remembered for many things,
the g eight riots, stem cell controversy, and of course
for me.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
This was the summer I finally lost it on a
camping trip. None of you know her, She's from Canada,
but for many it was and remains Summer of the shark. Okay,
(00:43):
the scene and colde Keith, Florida, where local officials have
spotted hundreds of sharks gathering in what is perhaps the
largest feeding frenzy ever witnessed. The frenzy included over two
hundred sharks, or one shark for every six news reporters
covering it. No one knows for sure why the sharks
chose to congregate in this area, though marine biologists note
(01:05):
that sharks are motivated by the same factors as humans,
food and sex. It also explains the thirty minute wait
outside the Tampa Hooters. Some experts believe the sharks have
gathered because this area is rich with their favorite food,
a stingray known as cownos ray. It's a species so
(01:26):
named because of its resemblance to noted delta bluesman cownos ray.
Jefferson Well that took a long time to make on
a computer. It's not easy. With its beaches packed with
tourists slathered in coconut oil, It's not surprising that fifty
(01:46):
percent of unprovoked shark attacks occur in Florida. Interestingly enough,
ninety eight percent of provoked shark attacks occur in the
vicinity of the Trenton, New Jersey comedy club stitches during
performances by noted shark insult comic Vinnie Are. Take a
look at his incendiary work.
Speaker 4 (02:03):
Hey, have you got any sharks in the audience tonight?
Speaker 5 (02:07):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (02:07):
We got a couple.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Well, don't worry, I'll talk slow.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
Oh boy, Hey Sarah, is that a hammerhead? Or are
you just clumsy?
Speaker 5 (02:18):
And check out the door sloppin over here? What'd you do? Eat?
The whole?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Kayak? O, my kid?
Speaker 6 (02:22):
But seriously, thing about shaky.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
The end part there? That was the attack? All right?
This gathering of sharks is the latest and what can
only be inaccurately and hyperbolically described as a summer of
terror for American beach goers. Our own chief ichthyologist, Matt Walsh,
is down in Tampa, Florida right now.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Matt, what the hell is going on down.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
There, Matt John, This gathering is actually an unprecedented World
Shark Summit. Now, this is a g eight for predators.
All the big sharks are here. Blue sharks, make those
white tips. We've got a reef shark that swam all
the way up from Trinidad and Tobago just to get here. John,
I'm seeing hammerheads and bull sharks side by side. These
guys haven't talked this openly since the I was gnawing
(03:10):
in this Torso first controversy back in Galveston in eighty six,
you remember that cold one. Now there's also nurse sharks
here too. They were actually in town for a separate conference.
It just kind of worked out, if you know what
I mean, Jong.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
I think I don't so. These sharks you're saying have
actually gathered off the coast of Florida.
Speaker 5 (03:29):
For a reason.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
Yes, they're here to discuss a host of issues, mainly
shark related over fishing, dental care. You got to remember,
these guys have three times as many teeth as we do.
They're also concerned about the way they're portrayed in.
Speaker 5 (03:42):
TV and movies.
Speaker 4 (03:43):
I mean, they saw a deep blue sea.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
They're not amused all right, Matt, I understand there certainly
seems though to be quite immediate presence. How close have
you been able to get to the shark frenzy?
Speaker 4 (03:52):
Not close at all, mainly because of all the protesters.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Protesters, surfers, bathers, people that have been barred from.
Speaker 4 (03:59):
The now, John, tuna, albacore, yellowtail, huge schools of chunk lights,
sashimi wearing critters.
Speaker 5 (04:07):
What are they?
Speaker 3 (04:07):
What are they protesting?
Speaker 5 (04:08):
That one issue?
Speaker 4 (04:09):
Mainly the being chased down and eating thing. Apparently they
don't like it.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Well, it seems like the sharks are dispersing now. Is
there is there any idea where the sharks might be going?
Speaker 4 (04:24):
You know, I don't know really at all, John. I mean,
Tampa's amazing. You got bush gardens here. The city's home
to the third largest mall in Hillsboro County. They got
four Starbucks there. This probably won't hit thet They won't
go to the aquarium because it's like Ben here done that.
The point is Tampa's an exciting place to be right
now if you're a shark or a stripper.
Speaker 3 (04:43):
John, thank you very much, Matt.
Speaker 5 (04:46):
That was excellent, and they may be thank you. We'll
be right back.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
When a new story false the cracks, Lewis Black catches
it with a segment we call back in black.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Well.
Speaker 7 (05:11):
It's summer, which always reminds me of my childhood at camp, canoeing,
roasting marshmallows, learning how to masturbate, or as we call it,
a camp beating the tom tom. It's all about the beat.
Nearly every adult who went to camp remembers it fondly,
but like jerking off, some people just can't let.
Speaker 5 (05:33):
Go Summer camp.
Speaker 8 (05:35):
It is not just for kids anymore, because more and
more places they're offering camps for adults.
Speaker 9 (05:40):
All the fun things that you would do as a kilic, swimming, archery, ziplining,
a rope course, even a talent show.
Speaker 5 (05:46):
We have arts and crafts. There are also other camps
there too, like Space Camp.
Speaker 9 (05:51):
You get to go on an interactive space mission, build
rockets and train like astronauts.
Speaker 7 (05:57):
What the hell is wrong with these peeotball In my day,
when you had a midlife crisis, you bought a red
corvette and cheated on your wife. Now it's sharing bunk
beds and making lanyards. Huh, Stop reinventing the wheel and
don't get me started on space Camp. Kids go to
space camp because there's still hope.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
They'll go to actual space. When you're a grown up
that spaceship has sailed.
Speaker 7 (06:24):
It would be like trying to seduce Roy Moore when
you're forty seven.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
You're forty years too late. Oh why did you vote
for it?
Speaker 7 (06:37):
But there's another reason adults are going back to camp,
and it ain't archery.
Speaker 10 (06:43):
Play like a kid and party like a grown up
is the motto at camp. No counselors and all inclusive
weekend long sleep away camp for grown ups. The all
inclusive package includes lodging, food and open bar, nightly parties,
and tons of old school camp activities, wheelbarrow races and
human hungry hungrya bote.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Oh yeah, boat.
Speaker 7 (07:06):
I love getting wasted and then getting tossed like a salad.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Seriously, if I want to puke.
Speaker 7 (07:13):
In a ball pit, I'll go to McDonald's like a
normal person. Look, it's one thing for these forty year
old toddlers to ruin camp, but I refuse to stand
by and watch them room booze.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
In these terrible times, it's all we have left.
Speaker 7 (07:30):
And besides, if all the adults are in camp pretending
to be kids, who's going to do all the adult stuff.
Speaker 8 (07:38):
Kids Summer camps are putting away the canoes and the
kayaks and instead, in some cases, teaching kids how to
manage money.
Speaker 10 (07:44):
Attractive options for families who want their children to learn
about budgets and business.
Speaker 6 (07:49):
Here, kids from seven to sixteen learn to crunch numbers
for a product they'll later design, manufacture, and market.
Speaker 7 (07:56):
Oh great, just what this country needs. Even younger Wall
Street dooche pads. I can't wait to get my house
repossessed by a banker who still wears a onesie. So
I get why these kids are being sent to learn
about money. Someone's got to pay for their parents to
play drunken corn hole. Look, it's clear what's happening here.
(08:21):
These camps track kids into doing work while the old
folks have fun in the sun.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
It's wrong, it's despicable, and I want in.
Speaker 7 (08:34):
Hey, kids, why waste your summer groping each other in
the woods when you can learn a trade here a
tamp worker be You'll learn all sorts of skills, like
mowing my lawn, doing my taxes, getting things that I
point at, and as an elderly person, my clothes are
old and frayed, So you'll also be doing some light
(08:58):
sewing about two hundred sharks an hour.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Jake Croned's days tomorrow.
Speaker 7 (09:05):
Don't spend the summer just sitting on your ass.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Spend it. Wipe that by it.
Speaker 6 (09:16):
Last year, the media tried to tell us it was
the Summer of the shark.
Speaker 9 (09:21):
Smmer of the sharks, the Summer of the shark.
Speaker 6 (09:24):
But they were just trying to scare us to boost
their ratings. So what's the real deal? Miami c Aquarium
shark expert Chris Plant set the record straight. Is this
the summer of the shark?
Speaker 5 (09:39):
No?
Speaker 6 (09:40):
Shouldn't we be scared of these sharks?
Speaker 3 (09:42):
No?
Speaker 4 (09:43):
Really, to put in a perspective, more people are killed
each year by falling coconuts than sharks.
Speaker 11 (09:49):
Excuse me, wait, was that?
Speaker 6 (09:51):
Did you say coconuts?
Speaker 4 (09:53):
More coconuts kill people each year than charks do.
Speaker 6 (10:02):
The figures don't lie. Ten deaths a year from shark
attacks versus one hundred and fifty from head injuries due
to falling coco nuts. To find out why these predators
from above crave our skulls, I spoke with coconut attack
expert Peter Varse just how dangerous? Are these coconuts?
Speaker 7 (10:23):
Well, the kinetic energy of a falling coconut on the
head is approximately a metric ton.
Speaker 6 (10:28):
Do these coconuts kill for food or just sport?
Speaker 7 (10:33):
I don't really understand that question.
Speaker 6 (10:35):
But someone who does understand the question is coconut survivor
g Jacobs. I asked her to recount her brush with
the death nut.
Speaker 12 (10:45):
I was cutting some shrubs that are underneath the tree,
and then suddenly I heard a noise. Then there was
this coconut.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Because I was not hit by.
Speaker 6 (10:55):
It, Doctor Barse, is this the summer of the coconut?
Speaker 13 (11:05):
Not?
Speaker 7 (11:05):
To my knowledge at the moment.
Speaker 6 (11:08):
One of the most serious hazards we face is injuries
from people falling on stairs. The shocking truth is stairs
take more lives every year than even coconuts, preying on
the elderly and the uncoordinated safety code engineer Jamie Eisen
(11:33):
are stairs the silent killer?
Speaker 12 (11:38):
By silent killer, what do you mean by that.
Speaker 6 (11:42):
In that they don't make noise and they can kill.
Speaker 13 (11:48):
Way, Yes, if you're not careful.
Speaker 6 (11:50):
Is it seemed clear that this is actually the summer
of the stairs. That is until coconut survivor Jean Jacobs
dropped this little bomb.
Speaker 12 (12:02):
If one is not careful and are cautious in what
they're doing, anything can be dangerous.
Speaker 6 (12:07):
And by anything we mean, of course.
Speaker 12 (12:11):
Uh, lightning on golf courses, duck.
Speaker 7 (12:18):
Camel bites, bath cups can be dangerous.
Speaker 12 (12:25):
I'm allergic to some fruits rawclineapple and occasionally strawberries.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
I was worn in Havana, Cuba.
Speaker 6 (12:38):
It turns out this is far from the summer of
the shark. It's the summer of the anything.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Now, Uh, Stephen, what's specific?
Speaker 5 (13:01):
Stephen?
Speaker 3 (13:02):
Yes, John, Stephen, what are you doing down there? Just
come on up, reporting, Come on, come on up, and
and and and and talk to us about the report
all the way up. Please come on.
Speaker 5 (13:21):
I'm sorry. Is that bubble wrap?
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Yes, John, get your own.
Speaker 6 (13:26):
This is the only thing protecting me from the meteor
strikes and from the peanut allergies.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
Peanut, they're out there, John.
Speaker 5 (13:32):
I understand.
Speaker 6 (13:33):
It's a dangerous world.
Speaker 5 (13:34):
John.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
I know that you go down there to debunk the
fear tactics of the news and you come back here
wearing bubble wrap.
Speaker 6 (13:41):
I got kids, John, I got to So.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
What did you learn anything from going down to Florida?
Speaker 6 (13:46):
Yeah, John, I did. I learned there's some things we
should be afraid of and some not. But I'd say,
if there's one thing we should be afraid of this summer,
it'd be sharks.
Speaker 5 (13:54):
Now.
Speaker 6 (13:55):
They got teeth, they smell fear, John, they feast on
human flesh, and they rule the night alight.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
Thank you very much, Steve, and I appreciate your thoughts.
Shots summer summer. People magazine called it this year's hottest season,
and whether you're kicking back at a private beach or
just letting your suv idle in the parking lot with
(14:21):
the ac on full blast, I think we can all agree.
Speaker 5 (14:24):
Cheers.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
Hell beats living in Zambia, even if you were one
of the tens of thousands of terrorists who flocked to
the African nation to witness this morning's total eclipse of
the sun. It's the first eclipse in two years, and
the first in over three hundred years to take place
on the summer solstice. It's a fact that some observers
take as an ominous portent that this summer may bring
with it many many more boring facts just like that.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
One got a whole book about.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
So what is it like to actually see a total
solar eclipse.
Speaker 14 (14:58):
The right sun is gone and it's replaced by this
incredibly black disc surrounded by this pearly white corona surrounding
the sun. It's a breathtaking event which makes the hair
on the back of your neck stand out there.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
Oh, it's bad news for anyone standing behind Dan Hdea.
Even Ed Asner looks at that and goes, that's Harry. Meanwhile,
(15:35):
in Britain, a fourteen and a half thousand strong crowd
of Druids, New Age followers and people who look tend
but are just dirty gathered at Stonehenge to watch the
sunrise on the year's longest day. Police reported only five
arrests during the celebration, off for minor drug offenses, and
they praised the good natured crowd, whose good nature was
(15:55):
no doubt enhanced by major drug offenses. People with all
sorts of things stuck in their face had nice things
to say.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
It's been really.
Speaker 5 (16:05):
Peaceful, hasn't it.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
It's been really nice. I'm saying, please, it's been like this.
Speaker 5 (16:09):
I've had a really lovely night.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Yeah, you know, girl with chin stud has a good point,
but what about guy with eyestud.
Speaker 13 (16:19):
It's something that's needed organizing for a long time, and
something they've organized it.
Speaker 5 (16:22):
It's great.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Guy with ice Stud's right.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
We still haven't heard from guy with chin stud and
top of nose thing.
Speaker 5 (16:32):
It's just still come together. The feeling in the circle
itself is just immense.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
Really, Guy with chin stud and top of nose thing.
I think I'll miss you most of all. Makes a
kind of nostalgic for the the news stories of summer's
gone by. The ultimate summer nightmare in great white sharks
(16:58):
are someming on the shark shark attacks, the summer of
the shark.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
I missed those days.
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Nothing said summer like firing up the grill, mixing some
G and t's and waiting for people to be mauled
by fish.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Yeah, sharks of fish. You would tick the fish.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
But the fish even though they lack a swim bladder.
It's why they have to constantly move. They lack a
swim blatt. I stay still in the water because I
was born with three swim bladders. Three I'm basically nothing
but swim bladder. I really, I haven't feel like my
Wikipedia page just changed.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
I was born with three swim blotters.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
But summer wasn't just about sharks.
Speaker 7 (17:40):
This may be the summer of shark scares, but on
one New Hampshire beach, the scare came from a menacing
bald eagle.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
What kind of a.
Speaker 15 (17:48):
Manner for sharks and alligators?
Speaker 8 (17:50):
Chilling tales of killer mosquitoes?
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Call the Sci Fi Network, pitch sharquitogator. There's a new
species on the endangered list, man with multiple swim ladders. Look,
(18:15):
I know, I know those years. I know, those years
also featured the non scare predatory animal based stories. But
Summer news Man, it was balanced. Like take the last
year for example. Sure we may have had a little
we are living in a dystopian nightmare where the government
is watching and listening and storing everything you do. But
(18:36):
we washed it down with a little delicious racism and
gravy and a political sex scandal that spawned an international
dance craze.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
I missed that guy, the guy in the Bouech shirt,
Not the other guy.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
The other guy.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
I don't miss a bout with the bouch shirt, The
Oliver guy, the English gume is that guy. He was
my brain. The heat has mushed your brains. Where's this
year's fresh Secret Identity Celebrity dick pic? Wait, Secret Identity
(19:21):
Celebrity Dick pick. That'd be another great show to pitch to.
What's that? Oh, Bravos already making it all right? Isn't
anything innocuous threatening our shores this summer?
Speaker 15 (19:33):
A beach goer shot this video of a shark. You
can see it wiggling there as it moves up to shore.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
That's what I'm talking about. Now we're into it. Now,
we got something done. Dona Dan da Da da dad.
Speaker 15 (19:43):
Unfortunately, it was believe the shark was choking on a
sea lion, because the shark died a short time later.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Can't catch a break. This summer has been so depressing.
The sharks are committing suicide.
Speaker 4 (20:02):
You know, there's so much arguing in America today, but
we hear the Daily Show think they could be even
more so.
Speaker 6 (20:09):
To do our part, here's Ronnie Chang with another installments
of Proved Me Wrong.
Speaker 13 (20:12):
Ice Cream Vacations, Long Walks on the Beach, hte all
that shit.
Speaker 5 (20:17):
We're gonna prove me wrong Summer edition. Summer is the
worst season Proved me Wrong?
Speaker 15 (20:28):
Well, I would say summer is the season where everyone's
the happiest. During the summer, everyone gets to come outside.
Speaker 5 (20:33):
Everybody's shirt turns into a test.
Speaker 15 (20:35):
But during the summer, when everyone's sweaty and grows, everyone's
sweaty and gross. We're all equal during the summer.
Speaker 13 (20:41):
So you're making a Marxist argument for BO during summer.
Speaker 15 (20:45):
Yeah, pretty much.
Speaker 13 (20:47):
Yeah, sorry, this is the free world. The top one
percent should not have BO.
Speaker 15 (20:51):
How do you smell?
Speaker 5 (20:52):
Go ahead, smell me, I dare you smell the shit
right now? You smell like me?
Speaker 15 (20:58):
So you were the same.
Speaker 5 (20:59):
That's a compliments. Pulls are better than ocean's proved me wrong.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Pulls are stinky.
Speaker 5 (21:05):
They have nasty people that go in there.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
They just get it.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
They funky bodies and it's sweaty cells and it's PLoP
up in there.
Speaker 13 (21:12):
Yeah, you think people don't pee and poop in the ocean.
It's not just people, by the way. You think whales
are coming on land to take a ship, Yeah, if
they want to, they're not. They're shitting in the ocean.
It's whales, jellyfish, seals, it's off the pus, it's everything
in there is just shitting into your mouth. Oceans are
just poles that I'll try to kill you. The shock
(21:32):
sightings have been here this last week.
Speaker 5 (21:33):
There's five, like, did you see the shark? No? Interesting? Interesting?
Speaker 13 (21:38):
Oh so your argument is I didn't see the sharks,
so therefore the ocean is safe.
Speaker 5 (21:42):
Good luck out there.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
I've never seen a shark I myself, So.
Speaker 5 (21:46):
What you're shot? Denial? The get food from the from pools.
Speaker 13 (21:49):
Either there's no fish and pools, but in the ocean,
I'd be sustaining myself fresh coconuts.
Speaker 5 (21:54):
Fresh fish.
Speaker 13 (21:55):
You can't eat anything near the ocean. Sand gets in it, Pooty,
put your money where your mouth is.
Speaker 5 (22:01):
This is food.
Speaker 13 (22:03):
This is your food on the beach.
Speaker 7 (22:06):
Dude.
Speaker 5 (22:18):
Not good enough for you.
Speaker 13 (22:23):
Okay, I got some bad news for you. There's no
protein in sand. Thanks for the fries.
Speaker 5 (22:28):
Thanks bro. Pigeons are better than seagulls. Prove me wrong.
Speaker 11 (22:33):
Pigeons are literal like rats with wings. Genetically they used
to be white, but then out of like Darwinism and
like after all these years, they actually turn black to
adapt to like certain environments, and they're so gross.
Speaker 13 (22:44):
Why do you have to make this racial. I'll talk
about pigeons as the seagulls, not why.
Speaker 11 (22:50):
You watch No, but it's like it's over time, like
they start genetically they used to be white, but genetically
over time they like people.
Speaker 5 (22:56):
Have been canceled for less than that, it goes a
gross I don't be wrong with wire popsicles gross.
Speaker 13 (23:02):
I don't need to watch someone for late a dessert
eating as er as gross enough.
Speaker 5 (23:05):
At least you can't deep throw it.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
It prepares you for life.
Speaker 11 (23:08):
That's a lot of work and there's lots of instances
where you have to do things similarly to eating a popsicle.
Speaker 5 (23:16):
You work in show business. No, but popsicles are good, man.
Speaker 16 (23:19):
You got all the different kinds of flavors, like what
fifty to fifty bars?
Speaker 1 (23:23):
You got red an original pop sole, you got bomb pops.
Speaker 5 (23:25):
No, no, those are flavors. Okay, so you tell me
what flavor that is.
Speaker 6 (23:29):
This is great and I absolutely love with Everybody hates
on it, but it's so good.
Speaker 5 (23:33):
Grapes don't taste like that in real life. Okay.
Speaker 13 (23:36):
The guy who created the flavor grape clearly has never
had a grape before.
Speaker 5 (23:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 13 (23:41):
See, no, that's you ate it like a pelican. You
didn't even chew it. How did you do that. It's
sticking to your beard. Now.
Speaker 5 (23:50):
Oh oh that's so good.
Speaker 13 (23:52):
Yeah, see that's no man. Popsicles on gross? You are gross?
Speaker 1 (23:56):
What's wrong what you got against?
Speaker 5 (23:58):
Popsicles are messy? They make my head?
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Why you don't etre fast enough?
Speaker 7 (24:02):
Ye can't put it in your mouth fast enough?
Speaker 5 (24:04):
Why do you demonstrate right now?
Speaker 13 (24:07):
Oh yeah, okay, that's very experience.
Speaker 7 (24:11):
No mass, okay, no mass, you still have my lip
closs on?
Speaker 5 (24:16):
Okay, you know what that was?
Speaker 13 (24:16):
Actually, as much as I want to hate on that,
it's actually pretty impressive.
Speaker 5 (24:20):
I feel like you actually did prove me wrong.
Speaker 13 (24:22):
So you know what what's happening all right, is that.
Speaker 5 (24:31):
What I win?
Speaker 13 (24:32):
You get to wear the golden thong. You have now
earned the right to take my place behind the prove
you've clearly proven me wrong. That's what happens when you
prove me wrong. No, you gotta take my place now.
It's like highlander, You're right, now, take take my spot.
Speaker 7 (24:56):
It's summertime, that wonderful time of the y year when
the sun is out, kids are playing, and I sweat
so much my shirt turns into a map of the
Middle East. My nipple is the Gods' strip, you don't
want to go anywhere near it, and on the hottest
days you have a few options. You can hydrate, you
(25:16):
can stay indoors, or you could always go to the beach.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
But only if you want to die.
Speaker 9 (25:23):
Sharks summertime close encounters scarish hass feet from shore. In
South Carolina, a shark in knee deep water just feet
away from swimmers, and in New Jersey, a sixteen foot
great white feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away.
Speaker 15 (25:41):
This year, Hawaii has already seen twice as many attacks
as they did all of last year, and just last week,
this great white was tracked near New York's Long Island.
Speaker 16 (25:49):
When a white shark bites a person, it is a
mistake because it thinks.
Speaker 15 (25:53):
That that person is a sealed.
Speaker 7 (25:58):
Wait a minute, so a white sharks biting you, it's
a mistake. But if a black shark gets caught with
just a little bit of weed.
Speaker 1 (26:08):
It goes to jail for life. That doesn't seem fair.
And also, what do you mean if I get.
Speaker 7 (26:19):
Bitten, it's because I look like a seal, So now
I'm getting eaten and body shamed. Talk about adding insult
to injury. And if you're thinking, no problem, I'll just
stay in the shallow water where it's safe.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Well, good luck, sucker.
Speaker 15 (26:38):
There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh
eating bacteria found in warm waters.
Speaker 16 (26:43):
Potentially deadly bacteria can enter the body through a cutter
of screen. According to the CDC, the bacteria causes eighty
thousand illnesses and one hundred deaths in the US every year.
Speaker 15 (26:54):
Just pay attention.
Speaker 9 (26:55):
Don't be afraid of the ocean, but be aware of
what's going on.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Where it's bacteria. What am I supposed to do?
Speaker 7 (27:05):
Snorkele with a microscope, at least with a shark. I
can hear the fin and the jaws music.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
I can see the fin.
Speaker 7 (27:15):
But flesh eating bacteria is a silent killer. Like Jason,
It's what I've always respected about him. He's in it
for the stabbing, not the hit shack. Also, what's with
these bacteria? They never eat the flesh that I don't want.
(27:36):
How about instead of my leg, why don't you guys
take a nibble on my love handles. That way you
still get to eat, and I don't look like a seal.
So so it's dangerous in the water it's dangerous close
to the water, and you think you're safe way up
(27:58):
on the beach, you better duck.
Speaker 4 (28:01):
A warning about a surprising summer danger beach umbrellas flying
through the.
Speaker 16 (28:06):
Air, seriously injuring beach goers.
Speaker 9 (28:09):
An Ocean City, Maryland in twenty fifteen. A bystander filming
as the wind picks up these umbrellas and turns them
into projectiles. The videos wild and the situations incredibly dangerous.
Speaker 15 (28:21):
Over the last ten years, there have been reports of
over thirty two thousand injuries related to umbrellas across the country.
Speaker 7 (28:29):
Did you see that it's an umbrella uprising? We always
thought it was gonna be the robots. We never suspected
the umbrellas, and who can blame them for organizing?
Speaker 1 (28:43):
We treat them like shit. They only get pulled out.
Speaker 7 (28:46):
In the extreme heat of the rain. We're never like, oh,
it's a beautiful day, my umbrella deserves a walk. But
on the bus side, if you survive an umbrella impaling,
at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again. Sell
whether it's sharks or bacteria or umbrellas, everything on the
(29:08):
beach once you dead. But don't worry, kids, you can
just simulate the experience at home. Just turn off your
air conditioning, stand in the tub with a Pinut Colada,
and shove a fistful of sand up your ass.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Happy summer, everybody.
Speaker 8 (29:28):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central,
and streamful episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 5 (29:47):
Yew
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Summer two thousand and one will be remembered for many things,
the g eight riots, stem cell controversy, and of course
for me.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
This was the summer I finally lost it on a
camping trip. None of you know her, She's from Canada,
but for many it was and remains Summer of the shark. Okay,
(00:43):
the scene and colde Keith, Florida, where local officials have
spotted hundreds of sharks gathering in what is perhaps the
largest feeding frenzy ever witnessed. The frenzy included over two
hundred sharks, or one shark for every six news reporters
covering it. No one knows for sure why the sharks
chose to congregate in this area, though marine biologists note
(01:05):
that sharks are motivated by the same factors as humans,
food and sex. It also explains the thirty minute wait
outside the Tampa Hooters. Some experts believe the sharks have
gathered because this area is rich with their favorite food,
a stingray known as cownos ray. It's a species so
(01:26):
named because of its resemblance to noted delta bluesman cownos ray.
Jefferson Well that took a long time to make on
a computer. It's not easy. With its beaches packed with
tourists slathered in coconut oil, It's not surprising that fifty
(01:46):
percent of unprovoked shark attacks occur in Florida. Interestingly enough,
ninety eight percent of provoked shark attacks occur in the
vicinity of the Trenton, New Jersey comedy club stitches during
performances by noted shark insult comic Vinnie Are. Take a
look at his incendiary work.
Speaker 4 (02:03):
Hey, have you got any sharks in the audience tonight?
Speaker 5 (02:07):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (02:07):
We got a couple.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Well, don't worry, I'll talk slow.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
Oh boy, Hey Sarah, is that a hammerhead? Or are
you just clumsy?
Speaker 5 (02:18):
And check out the door sloppin over here? What'd you do? Eat?
The whole?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Kayak? O, my kid?
Speaker 6 (02:22):
But seriously, thing about shaky.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
The end part there? That was the attack? All right?
This gathering of sharks is the latest and what can
only be inaccurately and hyperbolically described as a summer of
terror for American beach goers. Our own chief ichthyologist, Matt Walsh,
is down in Tampa, Florida right now.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Matt, what the hell is going on down.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
There, Matt John, This gathering is actually an unprecedented World
Shark Summit. Now, this is a g eight for predators.
All the big sharks are here. Blue sharks, make those
white tips. We've got a reef shark that swam all
the way up from Trinidad and Tobago just to get here. John,
I'm seeing hammerheads and bull sharks side by side. These
guys haven't talked this openly since the I was gnawing
(03:10):
in this Torso first controversy back in Galveston in eighty six,
you remember that cold one. Now there's also nurse sharks
here too. They were actually in town for a separate conference.
It just kind of worked out, if you know what
I mean, Jong.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
I think I don't so. These sharks you're saying have
actually gathered off the coast of Florida.
Speaker 5 (03:29):
For a reason.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
Yes, they're here to discuss a host of issues, mainly
shark related over fishing, dental care. You got to remember,
these guys have three times as many teeth as we do.
They're also concerned about the way they're portrayed in.
Speaker 5 (03:42):
TV and movies.
Speaker 4 (03:43):
I mean, they saw a deep blue sea.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
They're not amused all right, Matt, I understand there certainly
seems though to be quite immediate presence. How close have
you been able to get to the shark frenzy?
Speaker 4 (03:52):
Not close at all, mainly because of all the protesters.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Protesters, surfers, bathers, people that have been barred from.
Speaker 4 (03:59):
The now, John, tuna, albacore, yellowtail, huge schools of chunk lights,
sashimi wearing critters.
Speaker 5 (04:07):
What are they?
Speaker 3 (04:07):
What are they protesting?
Speaker 5 (04:08):
That one issue?
Speaker 4 (04:09):
Mainly the being chased down and eating thing. Apparently they
don't like it.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Well, it seems like the sharks are dispersing now. Is
there is there any idea where the sharks might be going?
Speaker 4 (04:24):
You know, I don't know really at all, John. I mean,
Tampa's amazing. You got bush gardens here. The city's home
to the third largest mall in Hillsboro County. They got
four Starbucks there. This probably won't hit thet They won't
go to the aquarium because it's like Ben here done that.
The point is Tampa's an exciting place to be right
now if you're a shark or a stripper.
Speaker 3 (04:43):
John, thank you very much, Matt.
Speaker 5 (04:46):
That was excellent, and they may be thank you. We'll
be right back.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
When a new story false the cracks, Lewis Black catches
it with a segment we call back in black.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Well.
Speaker 7 (05:11):
It's summer, which always reminds me of my childhood at camp, canoeing,
roasting marshmallows, learning how to masturbate, or as we call it,
a camp beating the tom tom. It's all about the beat.
Nearly every adult who went to camp remembers it fondly,
but like jerking off, some people just can't let.
Speaker 5 (05:33):
Go Summer camp.
Speaker 8 (05:35):
It is not just for kids anymore, because more and
more places they're offering camps for adults.
Speaker 9 (05:40):
All the fun things that you would do as a kilic, swimming, archery, ziplining,
a rope course, even a talent show.
Speaker 5 (05:46):
We have arts and crafts. There are also other camps
there too, like Space Camp.
Speaker 9 (05:51):
You get to go on an interactive space mission, build
rockets and train like astronauts.
Speaker 7 (05:57):
What the hell is wrong with these peeotball In my day,
when you had a midlife crisis, you bought a red
corvette and cheated on your wife. Now it's sharing bunk
beds and making lanyards. Huh, Stop reinventing the wheel and
don't get me started on space Camp. Kids go to
space camp because there's still hope.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
They'll go to actual space. When you're a grown up
that spaceship has sailed.
Speaker 7 (06:24):
It would be like trying to seduce Roy Moore when
you're forty seven.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
You're forty years too late. Oh why did you vote
for it?
Speaker 7 (06:37):
But there's another reason adults are going back to camp,
and it ain't archery.
Speaker 10 (06:43):
Play like a kid and party like a grown up
is the motto at camp. No counselors and all inclusive
weekend long sleep away camp for grown ups. The all
inclusive package includes lodging, food and open bar, nightly parties,
and tons of old school camp activities, wheelbarrow races and
human hungry hungrya bote.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Oh yeah, boat.
Speaker 7 (07:06):
I love getting wasted and then getting tossed like a salad.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Seriously, if I want to puke.
Speaker 7 (07:13):
In a ball pit, I'll go to McDonald's like a
normal person. Look, it's one thing for these forty year
old toddlers to ruin camp, but I refuse to stand
by and watch them room booze.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
In these terrible times, it's all we have left.
Speaker 7 (07:30):
And besides, if all the adults are in camp pretending
to be kids, who's going to do all the adult stuff.
Speaker 8 (07:38):
Kids Summer camps are putting away the canoes and the
kayaks and instead, in some cases, teaching kids how to
manage money.
Speaker 10 (07:44):
Attractive options for families who want their children to learn
about budgets and business.
Speaker 6 (07:49):
Here, kids from seven to sixteen learn to crunch numbers
for a product they'll later design, manufacture, and market.
Speaker 7 (07:56):
Oh great, just what this country needs. Even younger Wall
Street dooche pads. I can't wait to get my house
repossessed by a banker who still wears a onesie. So
I get why these kids are being sent to learn
about money. Someone's got to pay for their parents to
play drunken corn hole. Look, it's clear what's happening here.
(08:21):
These camps track kids into doing work while the old
folks have fun in the sun.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
It's wrong, it's despicable, and I want in.
Speaker 7 (08:34):
Hey, kids, why waste your summer groping each other in
the woods when you can learn a trade here a
tamp worker be You'll learn all sorts of skills, like
mowing my lawn, doing my taxes, getting things that I
point at, and as an elderly person, my clothes are
old and frayed, So you'll also be doing some light
(08:58):
sewing about two hundred sharks an hour.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Jake Croned's days tomorrow.
Speaker 7 (09:05):
Don't spend the summer just sitting on your ass.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Spend it. Wipe that by it.
Speaker 6 (09:16):
Last year, the media tried to tell us it was
the Summer of the shark.
Speaker 9 (09:21):
Smmer of the sharks, the Summer of the shark.
Speaker 6 (09:24):
But they were just trying to scare us to boost
their ratings. So what's the real deal? Miami c Aquarium
shark expert Chris Plant set the record straight. Is this
the summer of the shark?
Speaker 5 (09:39):
No?
Speaker 6 (09:40):
Shouldn't we be scared of these sharks?
Speaker 3 (09:42):
No?
Speaker 4 (09:43):
Really, to put in a perspective, more people are killed
each year by falling coconuts than sharks.
Speaker 11 (09:49):
Excuse me, wait, was that?
Speaker 6 (09:51):
Did you say coconuts?
Speaker 4 (09:53):
More coconuts kill people each year than charks do.
Speaker 6 (10:02):
The figures don't lie. Ten deaths a year from shark
attacks versus one hundred and fifty from head injuries due
to falling coco nuts. To find out why these predators
from above crave our skulls, I spoke with coconut attack
expert Peter Varse just how dangerous? Are these coconuts?
Speaker 7 (10:23):
Well, the kinetic energy of a falling coconut on the
head is approximately a metric ton.
Speaker 6 (10:28):
Do these coconuts kill for food or just sport?
Speaker 7 (10:33):
I don't really understand that question.
Speaker 6 (10:35):
But someone who does understand the question is coconut survivor
g Jacobs. I asked her to recount her brush with
the death nut.
Speaker 12 (10:45):
I was cutting some shrubs that are underneath the tree,
and then suddenly I heard a noise. Then there was
this coconut.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Because I was not hit by.
Speaker 6 (10:55):
It, Doctor Barse, is this the summer of the coconut?
Speaker 13 (11:05):
Not?
Speaker 7 (11:05):
To my knowledge at the moment.
Speaker 6 (11:08):
One of the most serious hazards we face is injuries
from people falling on stairs. The shocking truth is stairs
take more lives every year than even coconuts, preying on
the elderly and the uncoordinated safety code engineer Jamie Eisen
(11:33):
are stairs the silent killer?
Speaker 12 (11:38):
By silent killer, what do you mean by that.
Speaker 6 (11:42):
In that they don't make noise and they can kill.
Speaker 13 (11:48):
Way, Yes, if you're not careful.
Speaker 6 (11:50):
Is it seemed clear that this is actually the summer
of the stairs. That is until coconut survivor Jean Jacobs
dropped this little bomb.
Speaker 12 (12:02):
If one is not careful and are cautious in what
they're doing, anything can be dangerous.
Speaker 6 (12:07):
And by anything we mean, of course.
Speaker 12 (12:11):
Uh, lightning on golf courses, duck.
Speaker 7 (12:18):
Camel bites, bath cups can be dangerous.
Speaker 12 (12:25):
I'm allergic to some fruits rawclineapple and occasionally strawberries.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
I was worn in Havana, Cuba.
Speaker 6 (12:38):
It turns out this is far from the summer of
the shark. It's the summer of the anything.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Now, Uh, Stephen, what's specific?
Speaker 5 (13:01):
Stephen?
Speaker 3 (13:02):
Yes, John, Stephen, what are you doing down there? Just
come on up, reporting, Come on, come on up, and
and and and and talk to us about the report
all the way up. Please come on.
Speaker 5 (13:21):
I'm sorry. Is that bubble wrap?
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Yes, John, get your own.
Speaker 6 (13:26):
This is the only thing protecting me from the meteor
strikes and from the peanut allergies.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
Peanut, they're out there, John.
Speaker 5 (13:32):
I understand.
Speaker 6 (13:33):
It's a dangerous world.
Speaker 5 (13:34):
John.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
I know that you go down there to debunk the
fear tactics of the news and you come back here
wearing bubble wrap.
Speaker 6 (13:41):
I got kids, John, I got to So.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
What did you learn anything from going down to Florida?
Speaker 6 (13:46):
Yeah, John, I did. I learned there's some things we
should be afraid of and some not. But I'd say,
if there's one thing we should be afraid of this summer,
it'd be sharks.
Speaker 5 (13:54):
Now.
Speaker 6 (13:55):
They got teeth, they smell fear, John, they feast on
human flesh, and they rule the night alight.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
Thank you very much, Steve, and I appreciate your thoughts.
Shots summer summer. People magazine called it this year's hottest season,
and whether you're kicking back at a private beach or
just letting your suv idle in the parking lot with
(14:21):
the ac on full blast, I think we can all agree.
Speaker 5 (14:24):
Cheers.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
Hell beats living in Zambia, even if you were one
of the tens of thousands of terrorists who flocked to
the African nation to witness this morning's total eclipse of
the sun. It's the first eclipse in two years, and
the first in over three hundred years to take place
on the summer solstice. It's a fact that some observers
take as an ominous portent that this summer may bring
with it many many more boring facts just like that.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
One got a whole book about.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
So what is it like to actually see a total
solar eclipse.
Speaker 14 (14:58):
The right sun is gone and it's replaced by this
incredibly black disc surrounded by this pearly white corona surrounding
the sun. It's a breathtaking event which makes the hair
on the back of your neck stand out there.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
Oh, it's bad news for anyone standing behind Dan Hdea.
Even Ed Asner looks at that and goes, that's Harry. Meanwhile,
(15:35):
in Britain, a fourteen and a half thousand strong crowd
of Druids, New Age followers and people who look tend
but are just dirty gathered at Stonehenge to watch the
sunrise on the year's longest day. Police reported only five
arrests during the celebration, off for minor drug offenses, and
they praised the good natured crowd, whose good nature was
(15:55):
no doubt enhanced by major drug offenses. People with all
sorts of things stuck in their face had nice things
to say.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
It's been really.
Speaker 5 (16:05):
Peaceful, hasn't it.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
It's been really nice. I'm saying, please, it's been like this.
Speaker 5 (16:09):
I've had a really lovely night.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Yeah, you know, girl with chin stud has a good point,
but what about guy with eyestud.
Speaker 13 (16:19):
It's something that's needed organizing for a long time, and
something they've organized it.
Speaker 5 (16:22):
It's great.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Guy with ice Stud's right.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
We still haven't heard from guy with chin stud and
top of nose thing.
Speaker 5 (16:32):
It's just still come together. The feeling in the circle
itself is just immense.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
Really, Guy with chin stud and top of nose thing.
I think I'll miss you most of all. Makes a
kind of nostalgic for the the news stories of summer's
gone by. The ultimate summer nightmare in great white sharks
(16:58):
are someming on the shark shark attacks, the summer of
the shark.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
I missed those days.
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Nothing said summer like firing up the grill, mixing some
G and t's and waiting for people to be mauled
by fish.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Yeah, sharks of fish. You would tick the fish.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
But the fish even though they lack a swim bladder.
It's why they have to constantly move. They lack a
swim blatt. I stay still in the water because I
was born with three swim bladders. Three I'm basically nothing
but swim bladder. I really, I haven't feel like my
Wikipedia page just changed.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
I was born with three swim blotters.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
But summer wasn't just about sharks.
Speaker 7 (17:40):
This may be the summer of shark scares, but on
one New Hampshire beach, the scare came from a menacing
bald eagle.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
What kind of a.
Speaker 15 (17:48):
Manner for sharks and alligators?
Speaker 8 (17:50):
Chilling tales of killer mosquitoes?
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Call the Sci Fi Network, pitch sharquitogator. There's a new
species on the endangered list, man with multiple swim ladders. Look,
(18:15):
I know, I know those years. I know, those years
also featured the non scare predatory animal based stories. But
Summer news Man, it was balanced. Like take the last
year for example. Sure we may have had a little
we are living in a dystopian nightmare where the government
is watching and listening and storing everything you do. But
(18:36):
we washed it down with a little delicious racism and
gravy and a political sex scandal that spawned an international
dance craze.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
I missed that guy, the guy in the Bouech shirt,
Not the other guy.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
The other guy.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
I don't miss a bout with the bouch shirt, The
Oliver guy, the English gume is that guy. He was
my brain. The heat has mushed your brains. Where's this
year's fresh Secret Identity Celebrity dick pic? Wait, Secret Identity
(19:21):
Celebrity Dick pick. That'd be another great show to pitch to.
What's that? Oh, Bravos already making it all right? Isn't
anything innocuous threatening our shores this summer?
Speaker 15 (19:33):
A beach goer shot this video of a shark. You
can see it wiggling there as it moves up to shore.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
That's what I'm talking about. Now we're into it. Now,
we got something done. Dona Dan da Da da dad.
Speaker 15 (19:43):
Unfortunately, it was believe the shark was choking on a
sea lion, because the shark died a short time later.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Can't catch a break. This summer has been so depressing.
The sharks are committing suicide.
Speaker 4 (20:02):
You know, there's so much arguing in America today, but
we hear the Daily Show think they could be even
more so.
Speaker 6 (20:09):
To do our part, here's Ronnie Chang with another installments
of Proved Me Wrong.
Speaker 13 (20:12):
Ice Cream Vacations, Long Walks on the Beach, hte all
that shit.
Speaker 5 (20:17):
We're gonna prove me wrong Summer edition. Summer is the
worst season Proved me Wrong?
Speaker 15 (20:28):
Well, I would say summer is the season where everyone's
the happiest. During the summer, everyone gets to come outside.
Speaker 5 (20:33):
Everybody's shirt turns into a test.
Speaker 15 (20:35):
But during the summer, when everyone's sweaty and grows, everyone's
sweaty and gross. We're all equal during the summer.
Speaker 13 (20:41):
So you're making a Marxist argument for BO during summer.
Speaker 15 (20:45):
Yeah, pretty much.
Speaker 13 (20:47):
Yeah, sorry, this is the free world. The top one
percent should not have BO.
Speaker 15 (20:51):
How do you smell?
Speaker 5 (20:52):
Go ahead, smell me, I dare you smell the shit
right now? You smell like me?
Speaker 15 (20:58):
So you were the same.
Speaker 5 (20:59):
That's a compliments. Pulls are better than ocean's proved me wrong.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Pulls are stinky.
Speaker 5 (21:05):
They have nasty people that go in there.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
They just get it.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
They funky bodies and it's sweaty cells and it's PLoP
up in there.
Speaker 13 (21:12):
Yeah, you think people don't pee and poop in the ocean.
It's not just people, by the way. You think whales
are coming on land to take a ship, Yeah, if
they want to, they're not. They're shitting in the ocean.
It's whales, jellyfish, seals, it's off the pus, it's everything
in there is just shitting into your mouth. Oceans are
just poles that I'll try to kill you. The shock
(21:32):
sightings have been here this last week.
Speaker 5 (21:33):
There's five, like, did you see the shark? No? Interesting? Interesting?
Speaker 13 (21:38):
Oh so your argument is I didn't see the sharks,
so therefore the ocean is safe.
Speaker 5 (21:42):
Good luck out there.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
I've never seen a shark I myself, So.
Speaker 5 (21:46):
What you're shot? Denial? The get food from the from pools.
Speaker 13 (21:49):
Either there's no fish and pools, but in the ocean,
I'd be sustaining myself fresh coconuts.
Speaker 5 (21:54):
Fresh fish.
Speaker 13 (21:55):
You can't eat anything near the ocean. Sand gets in it, Pooty,
put your money where your mouth is.
Speaker 5 (22:01):
This is food.
Speaker 13 (22:03):
This is your food on the beach.
Speaker 7 (22:06):
Dude.
Speaker 5 (22:18):
Not good enough for you.
Speaker 13 (22:23):
Okay, I got some bad news for you. There's no
protein in sand. Thanks for the fries.
Speaker 5 (22:28):
Thanks bro. Pigeons are better than seagulls. Prove me wrong.
Speaker 11 (22:33):
Pigeons are literal like rats with wings. Genetically they used
to be white, but then out of like Darwinism and
like after all these years, they actually turn black to
adapt to like certain environments, and they're so gross.
Speaker 13 (22:44):
Why do you have to make this racial. I'll talk
about pigeons as the seagulls, not why.
Speaker 11 (22:50):
You watch No, but it's like it's over time, like
they start genetically they used to be white, but genetically
over time they like people.
Speaker 5 (22:56):
Have been canceled for less than that, it goes a
gross I don't be wrong with wire popsicles gross.
Speaker 13 (23:02):
I don't need to watch someone for late a dessert
eating as er as gross enough.
Speaker 5 (23:05):
At least you can't deep throw it.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
It prepares you for life.
Speaker 11 (23:08):
That's a lot of work and there's lots of instances
where you have to do things similarly to eating a popsicle.
Speaker 5 (23:16):
You work in show business. No, but popsicles are good, man.
Speaker 16 (23:19):
You got all the different kinds of flavors, like what
fifty to fifty bars?
Speaker 1 (23:23):
You got red an original pop sole, you got bomb pops.
Speaker 5 (23:25):
No, no, those are flavors. Okay, so you tell me
what flavor that is.
Speaker 6 (23:29):
This is great and I absolutely love with Everybody hates
on it, but it's so good.
Speaker 5 (23:33):
Grapes don't taste like that in real life. Okay.
Speaker 13 (23:36):
The guy who created the flavor grape clearly has never
had a grape before.
Speaker 5 (23:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 13 (23:41):
See, no, that's you ate it like a pelican. You
didn't even chew it. How did you do that. It's
sticking to your beard. Now.
Speaker 5 (23:50):
Oh oh that's so good.
Speaker 13 (23:52):
Yeah, see that's no man. Popsicles on gross? You are gross?
Speaker 1 (23:56):
What's wrong what you got against?
Speaker 5 (23:58):
Popsicles are messy? They make my head?
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Why you don't etre fast enough?
Speaker 7 (24:02):
Ye can't put it in your mouth fast enough?
Speaker 5 (24:04):
Why do you demonstrate right now?
Speaker 13 (24:07):
Oh yeah, okay, that's very experience.
Speaker 7 (24:11):
No mass, okay, no mass, you still have my lip
closs on?
Speaker 5 (24:16):
Okay, you know what that was?
Speaker 13 (24:16):
Actually, as much as I want to hate on that,
it's actually pretty impressive.
Speaker 5 (24:20):
I feel like you actually did prove me wrong.
Speaker 13 (24:22):
So you know what what's happening all right, is that.
Speaker 5 (24:31):
What I win?
Speaker 13 (24:32):
You get to wear the golden thong. You have now
earned the right to take my place behind the prove
you've clearly proven me wrong. That's what happens when you
prove me wrong. No, you gotta take my place now.
It's like highlander, You're right, now, take take my spot.
Speaker 7 (24:56):
It's summertime, that wonderful time of the y year when
the sun is out, kids are playing, and I sweat
so much my shirt turns into a map of the
Middle East. My nipple is the Gods' strip, you don't
want to go anywhere near it, and on the hottest
days you have a few options. You can hydrate, you
(25:16):
can stay indoors, or you could always go to the beach.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
But only if you want to die.
Speaker 9 (25:23):
Sharks summertime close encounters scarish hass feet from shore. In
South Carolina, a shark in knee deep water just feet
away from swimmers, and in New Jersey, a sixteen foot
great white feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away.
Speaker 15 (25:41):
This year, Hawaii has already seen twice as many attacks
as they did all of last year, and just last week,
this great white was tracked near New York's Long Island.
Speaker 16 (25:49):
When a white shark bites a person, it is a
mistake because it thinks.
Speaker 15 (25:53):
That that person is a sealed.
Speaker 7 (25:58):
Wait a minute, so a white sharks biting you, it's
a mistake. But if a black shark gets caught with
just a little bit of weed.
Speaker 1 (26:08):
It goes to jail for life. That doesn't seem fair.
And also, what do you mean if I get.
Speaker 7 (26:19):
Bitten, it's because I look like a seal, So now
I'm getting eaten and body shamed. Talk about adding insult
to injury. And if you're thinking, no problem, I'll just
stay in the shallow water where it's safe.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Well, good luck, sucker.
Speaker 15 (26:38):
There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh
eating bacteria found in warm waters.
Speaker 16 (26:43):
Potentially deadly bacteria can enter the body through a cutter
of screen. According to the CDC, the bacteria causes eighty
thousand illnesses and one hundred deaths in the US every year.
Speaker 15 (26:54):
Just pay attention.
Speaker 9 (26:55):
Don't be afraid of the ocean, but be aware of
what's going on.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Where it's bacteria. What am I supposed to do?
Speaker 7 (27:05):
Snorkele with a microscope, at least with a shark. I
can hear the fin and the jaws music.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
I can see the fin.
Speaker 7 (27:15):
But flesh eating bacteria is a silent killer. Like Jason,
It's what I've always respected about him. He's in it
for the stabbing, not the hit shack. Also, what's with
these bacteria? They never eat the flesh that I don't want.
(27:36):
How about instead of my leg, why don't you guys
take a nibble on my love handles. That way you
still get to eat, and I don't look like a seal.
So so it's dangerous in the water it's dangerous close
to the water, and you think you're safe way up
(27:58):
on the beach, you better duck.
Speaker 4 (28:01):
A warning about a surprising summer danger beach umbrellas flying
through the.
Speaker 16 (28:06):
Air, seriously injuring beach goers.
Speaker 9 (28:09):
An Ocean City, Maryland in twenty fifteen. A bystander filming
as the wind picks up these umbrellas and turns them
into projectiles. The videos wild and the situations incredibly dangerous.
Speaker 15 (28:21):
Over the last ten years, there have been reports of
over thirty two thousand injuries related to umbrellas across the country.
Speaker 7 (28:29):
Did you see that it's an umbrella uprising? We always
thought it was gonna be the robots. We never suspected
the umbrellas, and who can blame them for organizing?
Speaker 1 (28:43):
We treat them like shit. They only get pulled out.
Speaker 7 (28:46):
In the extreme heat of the rain. We're never like, oh,
it's a beautiful day, my umbrella deserves a walk. But
on the bus side, if you survive an umbrella impaling,
at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again. Sell
whether it's sharks or bacteria or umbrellas, everything on the
(29:08):
beach once you dead. But don't worry, kids, you can
just simulate the experience at home. Just turn off your
air conditioning, stand in the tub with a Pinut Colada,
and shove a fistful of sand up your ass.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Happy summer, everybody.
Speaker 8 (29:28):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central,
and streamful episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 5 (29:47):
Yew
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