Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, Daisy lighted here. The Daily Show is on
break for the holidays, but in the meantime we put
together some special highlights for you. We'll be back in
the new year on January seventh with all new episodes.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
He was a poll worker doing his part in a
local election.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
No matter who you voted for, a democracy went shut up.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
She was a self appointed election monitor.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
He's harvesting balance. That's voter fraud. Bali mules, two thousand mules,
two thousand mules.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Hi I got one? Hi got one?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Could when a mandatory recount brought them together. You can't
take these votes, I kind of I can't.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
These are made of Chinese bamboo. You can't fool me.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
But I hear underneath this randomly hung missile time. Now
this holiday, they'll both be learning how to steal each other.
Is hard, But how can two people share a life
(01:10):
together when they can't share a democracy? Christmas Town has
a new mayor. It came down to one final ballot,
and the final vote is for the Democrat.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
You rigged the election and ruined Christmas, Honey, Just because
the Republican loss doesn't mean it was rigged. The only
loss here is you losing me.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Oh man, this is really a low part in our story.
When elections hopes are lost, sometimes all you need is
a Christmas miracle.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Yet, ready, boys, we're going in.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Excuse me, you got room for one more patriot with
this insurrection.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
You brought zip ties. If we're going to do this,
we're going to do it together.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
This holiday season, make sure you cast a vote for love.
She was a single mom hoping for a Christmas miracle. Hi,
do you have time for charity? That he was a
(02:36):
regular Joe trying to do the right thing, and this
Christmas they're going to find love in the most magical place.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
How dare you teach my child about critical race theory?
You are ruining America?
Speaker 2 (02:51):
M please calmed down.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Don't tell me to calm down, you woke elitist. And
why don't you take that mask off? Take it off
and face me like a man and keep it off.
Looks like Santa came early this year.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Now this holiday they'll both be learning CRT Christmas romance theory.
You know, oat milk is more sustainable than almond milk.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Shut your cup mouth and kiss me.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
But can two people who don't agree on history ever
have a future.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Does your sweater say happy holidays?
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Yeah, it's more inclusive.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Never understood me or Christmas?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Oh man, we're never going to end up together now
this season, one man will have to put Christmas over reason.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Since our life school board meeting, which was only this.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Morning, you believed that so much has happened. I've learned
that one thing is more important than teaching children about
their own country's history. That one thing that's love. So
tonight the school board is announcing that we are putting
love back into.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
The curriculum and it will replace all the lessons about slavery.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Oh no, no, we're overruling that.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
No, he doesn't have the power to do that, And
why does he have a gabble? This is a school
board meeting.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Still miss the movie event of the season. I got
you this to burn Merry Christmas, fascists a school board Christmas.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
She was a big city career goal in the big
city with the career, and she was sparkling with holiday spirit.
The fear sucked.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
I just can't wait to go home and hide from
the world.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
But to fully embrace this Christmas season, she had to
leave the cold, heartless city and head to her charming
small hometown.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
So what do you want to do?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
I want to move to Canada.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Dad.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
I'm not kidding.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
After all, tis the season to fall in love.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Christine, you're back in small Townsville.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Would you want to go ice getting with me later today?
Speaker 1 (06:10):
No, I'm not doing this whole thing, not this year. Bye.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Sometimes the thing you need the most is waiting for
you back home.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Hey, it's in the neighborhood. Got me thinking that.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
The cosmos is.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
It might not be the Christmas she expected, but magic
is in the air.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
The secret ingredient to all my pies is love.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
You know, Christmas time is the best time to fall
in love.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Not this year, not this year.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Sometimes you need good friends to point out what's been
right in front of you all along. I guess who's here.
It's Scott from high school. He's become quite a handsome widower.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
I think he likes you. How many times do I
have to tell you people, I am not down for
a rom com right now, and for the last time,
I'm not joining your MLM.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
Christmas is when wishes come true, and this year she's
wishing for true love.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
No, I'm not, but it's Christmas.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Don't care and your home for the holidays, where the
magic of Christmas romance takes home.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
You know what, read the room? Buddy? Did you not
see the election?
Speaker 3 (07:33):
I only exist in Christmas movies? What's an election?
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Christine? There's someone here to see you, Christine. I know
it's Christmas Eve and I'm just a single dad with
three adorable kids.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
Will you here, mommy?
Speaker 1 (07:50):
This is literally the first time we met. And I
know you're a big city Christmas journalist and I'm a
rugged man.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Who works at every small business in town.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
But Christine, Christmas is about being with the people you love.
That's what I keep telling her.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
That's what I told her too. Oh my god, all right, enough,
all of you. Wait. Why don't I even have to
go home for the holidays. It's not even my real mom,
it's just some Canadian actress.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Hey, are you single? Wish you a merry Christmas? We
wish you a merry Christmas. Wish thank you?
Speaker 1 (08:25):
No thank you, no thank you, no thank you, no
thank you.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
So get cozy with the one you love. Because of
this holiday season, The Daily Show Movie Network presents Oh
Very twenty twenty four Christmas. Merry Christmas,