July 19, 2024 • 24 mins
Jordan Klepper goes live after the final night of the Republican National Convention to unpack Trump’s big speech, and appearances from Hulk Hogan and Kid Rock. Plus, an update on the status of Joe Biden's candidacy. Also, TDS correspondents Josh Johnson, Grace Kuhlenschmidt, and Troy Iwata play the ultimate game of “Would You Rather,” testing whether people would rather talk about the election or anything else.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central Um.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Probably the most trusted journalists at Comedy Center and actually
five special report The Daily Present in Decision twenty twenty
four Republican National Convince Donald Trump America with your host
Jordan Clopper.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Welcome to the Nati shab Dot cover and we are
live about El.
Speaker 4 (00:49):
Dear Lord.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
They're wrapping up the Republican National Convention as we speak.
The excitement is palpable or is that soul shaking fear?
They feel really similar. And then that wasn't enough news
to cover in a day. There's another gigantic story, brilliant.
Keep your news alerts on because the Democrats might be
recasting a very big role.
Speaker 5 (01:11):
Breaking news about President Biden's candidacy.
Speaker 6 (01:14):
The New York Times sources close to President Biden say
he's beginning to accept he might have to leave the race.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Axio says he could drop out as soon as this weekend.
It's reached almost a fever pinch. Chuck Schumer, Aqem Jeffreys,
Nancy Pelosi have all had very direct conversations with President Biden.
Speaker 7 (01:29):
His political fate more precarious than ever.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
An increasingly dire moment.
Speaker 8 (01:33):
His fate now hanging in the balance, nearing the point
of no return.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
We are close to the end of his candidacy. To
be clear, you're talking about an eighty one year old.
You gotta be clear about that. Think about how strange
this moment is. In the span of one week, one
candidate got shot and the other guy might drop out.
(02:00):
I mean years from now, children will be reading about
this in history books. I mean not in Florida, they
won't have those, but everywhere else. And on top of
that all of that, Biden has COVID, which is no
joke for a man of his age, especially because this
is an unusual strain where the brain fog hits you.
(02:21):
Three weeks ago. Now for more insight on the quickly
evolving state of Joe Biden's candidacy, we got full team coverage.
Let's first go out to DC with Michael Costa. Michael, Oh, Michael, Michael,
what's the latest, Jordan.
Speaker 8 (02:39):
I'm here outside Chuck Schumer's office as he tries to
push Biden out of the race. But it's a very difficult,
delicate situation because don't forget, he's the president, which means
he holds all the keys.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
The metaphorical keys to power the.
Speaker 8 (02:54):
Rain Jordan, the actual White House keys. Yeah, they're on
one of those big key and he has a clip
to his belt. There's a key for the Oval office,
a situation room. There's one key that just says room.
We don't even know what that is. So they either
have to convince Biden to give up the keys or
wait for him to fall asleep and try to snake
it off his belt with a broom hand.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Is that really the only solution? Why can't they just
get a locksmith and get new keys.
Speaker 8 (03:21):
I mean, I guess they could. But he's also the
only one that knows the White House Amazon passwords. So
what's the point of being president if you can't watch
the new season.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
Of The Boys?
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Am I right?
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Well, if Joe Biden's an old man, his passwords probably
something like Joe Biden won two three Jordan.
Speaker 8 (03:38):
This man is the commander in chief. I'm sure he
has access to better Oh my god, that work?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
That was it? Correct?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
We're in great shame, Thanks than Michael. Let's go down
line to Nancy the Loaf Desie love a Desi Desie.
Speaker 7 (03:54):
Dezzi.
Speaker 3 (03:55):
We know, we know, Chuck Schumer is trying to be
sensitive what's Nancy Helosi doing.
Speaker 6 (04:00):
Well, she's playing a lot more hardball, Jordan. She had
a meeting with Biden where she just stared at him
while doing that five finger knife things. Very intimidating. She's
also trying to mess with his head. She threw a
pair of sneakers over a power line outside the White House.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Is that a threat? Well?
Speaker 6 (04:21):
I don't know, but if there's one thing that freaks
out old white people, it sneakers on a power line.
Hod they get up there. Is it a gang sign?
Is it a drug thing?
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Is it hip hop? Either way, it's time.
Speaker 6 (04:33):
To move to Florida.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Wow, very fluid situation. Thank you, Dosie. Let's go out
to the Capitol Hill with Ronnie Chang Rodny. Ronnie talks
to me, Who are you talking to, Jordan.
Speaker 9 (04:49):
I'm talking to an opposing faction that standing behind Joe
Biden one to telling the president to ignore the haters,
stay in the race, and do as many public speaking
events as possible.
Speaker 3 (04:59):
Wow. Which Democrats are telling them that?
Speaker 9 (05:01):
No, no, no, If these are the Republicans they are
gong ho for Joe Biden. Jordan, this must be the
unity thing that they're talking about.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
Hey, Ronnie Chang. Everybody, look, look, whether or not Biden's
candidacy is live. We are. And the reason we're live
is that it's the last night of the Republican National Convention.
And well, most GOP conventions are about nominating a candidate
and crashing the grinder servers. This one, look it up,
(05:37):
this one, This one seemed to have a higher purpose.
This convention is happening, frankly, by the grace of God.
Speaker 6 (05:46):
It is a divine intervention by God that President Trump
is not dead right now.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
This is divine intervention.
Speaker 7 (05:51):
The bullet peers to President Trump at six eleven PM.
Speaker 8 (05:54):
Ephesian six eleven.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Tells us put on the form of God, take your
scene against the Devilini schemes.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
This was providence, God's divine providence millisecond before he fired
the shot. God gilt, Yeah, a God given tilt. If
you didn't believe in miracles before.
Speaker 9 (06:09):
Saturday, you're better believing right now, God Lord, a shill
of protection.
Speaker 10 (06:14):
God has put an armor of protection over Donald Trump.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
God is not finished with him yet.
Speaker 11 (06:21):
I believe we all witnessed a miracle literally from you know,
before it happened. The flag above got blown in the
wind and it got tied into literally what looked like
an angel.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
Divine origami. That's what we're going with. I mean, you
see an angel, I see the g string from the
cover of that Black CROs album. You see what you
want to say. But I don't mean to nitpick God.
But if God did save Trump from that bullet, he
(07:02):
kind of procrastinated to the last second, didn't they. You
could have stopped the gunman at any point during the day,
but instead he waited until the bullet was in the
air and went I was closed. I gotta stop looking
at my phone all the time. Huh. All right, fine, fine, okay.
Every cult needs a leader who was chosen by God
and has taken multiple wives. I get it, all right.
(07:25):
And plenty of people stepped up this week to sing
his praises. Now, one of the most fiery speeches was
from Florida Congressman Matt Gates. Although that's an old picture
of that case from a long time ago. The whole week,
because when he came out to speak yesterday he looked
a little different.
Speaker 8 (07:44):
Under Trump, we prospered, we were richer, inflation was low,
and there were two genders.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
And introducing the third.
Speaker 4 (08:01):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
Wow, it looks like his eyebrows are reacting to a
picture of his eyebrows. You can see why they chose
him to make the case against Joe Biden. Inflation is
so bad his forehead is now a six head. And
I could make that joke because I've been battling inflation
for years. But last night's big speech was from Donald
(08:26):
Trump's new running mate, jd Vance, who wanted to introduce
himself to the world. And this is what he went with.
Speaker 10 (08:33):
And while we're on the topic of grandparents, let me
tell you another mammal story. Now, my mamma died shortly
before I left for Iraq in two thousand and five.
And when we went through things, we found nineteen loaded handguns.
They were stashed all over her house, under her bed,
in her closet, in the silverware drawer. This frail old
woman made sure that no matter where she was, she
(08:54):
was with an arm's length of whatever she needed to
protect her family.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
That's who we fight for. That's American spirit, that's the
American spirit. Unhinged paranoia.
Speaker 4 (09:10):
You know what.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
I love how gun nuts in this country are always like,
we're responsible gun owners. Anyway, here's a glock I taped
under my baby's crib. And let me just remind everyone
that five days ago their nominee was almost taken out
by an assault rifle. And I thought that might lead
to a moment of introspection. But you guys are like,
you know, what's hilarious how guns are everywhere. But outside
(09:37):
of his anecdotes about Grandma john Wick, the fact was
that discount Ulysses as grand did not exactly set the
room on fire. But the good news for him was
that the crowd was so amped they were happy to
chant no matter what.
Speaker 10 (10:01):
Wait, I oh, oh, wait, I oh.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
You guys are a great brown Wow. I've never seen
a crowd so pumped that it started to engage in conversation.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
Yes we are.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
Let's order food. How about time. By the way, if
you're wondering why the Ohio chance is O h I oh,
it's because it's the only word people from Ohio can spell.
Go blue you hillbilly fat. But tonight was the final
(10:53):
night of the RNC. It was the last chance to
address the events of last Saturday. So to heal a
hurdy nation, the RNC brought in their most dignified voices
to deliver their message with gravity and respect.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
What happened last week when they took a shot and
my hero and they tried to kill the next president
of the United States? Enough was enough and sad looks
up a menia from while brother, whoa thank you?
Speaker 3 (11:31):
The helid has begun. He's gonna make a great energy secretary.
Now you can laugh that one of the keynote speakers
on the last night of the republic Invention as a
washed up fake wrestler. But I'll tell you what I think.
Trump just locked up the vote of every teenager in
nineteen ninety two. Okay, we heard a lot of talks.
(11:53):
Now it's time to bring the nation together, the sober
message of unity. Who's next?
Speaker 4 (11:59):
Everybody bestop it in me?
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Watch that ankle down, junior, watch that angle. Yeah, that's
how you achieve unity by making our ears bleed together.
Nothing riles me up like a fifty year old man
yelling at a bunch of sixty year old men in
suits to fight. I'll be pounding the lipidour tonight. Okay,
(12:37):
then it was a big event. Finally it's time for
Donald Trump to come out. And in case you weren't
sure who he was, they put his name in big
bright lights like it was the world's most famous circuit elephant.
That's right, Trump's gonna be president a broadword. Once the
(13:01):
cheers died down and the speaking began, Trump made some
big promises.
Speaker 5 (13:05):
Four months from now, we will have an incredible victory,
and we will begin the four greatest years in the
history of our country.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Oh, I don't know best four years? What about ninety
one to ninety five? Wu Tang Nirvana on ironic fanny packs,
Michael Jackson before it got too weird. You know, I'll
put those four years against any in history. Now, all
(13:36):
week we heard Trump was going to come out with
a new message of unity. You know what he delivered.
Speaker 5 (13:42):
As Americans, we are bound together by a single fate
and a shared destiny. We rise together or we fall apart.
I am running to be president for all of America,
not half of America, because there is no victory in
winning for half of America.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
Which is why to be deporting the half that doesn't
like me? Problem solved? You know what? You know what, No,
I'm beging a hater. This is a changed man up
here's calling for an end to discord. Let's hear how
we can bring about this unity together.
Speaker 5 (14:25):
If Democrats want to unify our country, they should drop
these spartas in witch hunts, which I have been going
through for approximately.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Eight years, and.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
They should do that without.
Speaker 5 (14:37):
Delay and allow an election to proceed that is worthy
of our people.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Oh how convenient. So the key to unifying the country
is absolving Donald Trump of his crimes. Anything else Democrats
should do America. Just think about how united the country
would be if Chuck Schumer punched himself in the dick.
Think about it. Come together. But then Trump went on
to tell the story of his near assassination on Saturday,
(15:05):
and for a moment I started to feel like maybe
this was a different Trump, someone somber, reflective. But then
he slipped in just a small nod to the Trump
we've always known.
Speaker 5 (15:19):
They knew immediately it was a sniper, and then began
pointing at him. You can see that if you look
at the group behind me, that was just a small
group compared to what was in front.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
That's how you know Trump is going to get through this.
Even in the middle of a story about almost being assassinated,
he felt the need to reflectively brag about his crowd
size I suddenly realized how insignificant we are except by
crowd size, very significant. We're all just grains of sands
on a beach, although my crowd is more like a
(15:57):
coastline big crowd, big crowd. But there was one other
thing that made me realize, this is the same Trump
in Wisconsin.
Speaker 5 (16:07):
We are spending over two hundred and fifty million dollars
here creating jobs and other economic development.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
All over the place.
Speaker 5 (16:17):
So I hope you will remember this in November and
give us your vote.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
I am trying to.
Speaker 8 (16:22):
Buy your vote. I'll be honest about that.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
He's trying to do a quit pro quoe. In the
middle of his convention speech, slot out, my man, you
don't get total immunity until after the election. So that
was Trump's speech, A changed man who is basically the
same man as before. So what do we learn from
the RNC, Well, the campaign for president is basically one
big job interview. The convention is where America checks the
(16:55):
candidate's references. And to be sure, there were plenty of
people willing to vouch for Donald Trump. You got ex
CON's domestic commuter abusers, fake wrestlers, fake friends, his children,
people sleeping with his children, and of course the esteemed
mayor of Whovill. But but if this is a job interview,
(17:20):
it's worth noting who we didn't see, most of the
people who actually worked with him in the White House.
And if American is going to do our due diligence,
we might as well call our references to hear what
they have to say about them.
Speaker 9 (17:34):
Anyone who puts themselves over the constitution should never be president.
Speaker 4 (17:37):
I think he's unfit for office.
Speaker 12 (17:39):
Richard Nixon looks like a choir boy next to Donald Trump.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
The gravest threat to democracy that we've ever seen. He
failed at being the president when we needed him to be.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
That doesn't like to read, doesn't read briefing.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Reports, absence of leadership, really anti leadership.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
We want to be dictator.
Speaker 11 (17:54):
Shouldn't be anywhere near the Oval Office.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
Nothing but contempt for our democratic institutions or constitute and
the rule of law. The president has the understanding of
a fifth or sixth grader.
Speaker 8 (18:04):
Red Sarson saying this about the president quote, he's an
effing moron.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
Okay, okay, you know what, you know what good points,
But did you see that flag? It looked like an angel.
When we come back, voters tell us about their priorities,
don't go away? Well about to the Daily Joe Weed
(18:53):
been talking about Donald prop of the RNC all night.
But did you know there are people who are completely
sick of the shit. The Daily Showed news team hit
the streets to find out more.
Speaker 13 (19:04):
We correspond are tuning into the conventions, Gus, we're getting
paid to do it. But does the average American voter
rather just tune it out?
Speaker 3 (19:11):
I'm a little election burned out. I want to talk
about the election.
Speaker 8 (19:13):
I would rather do anything but talk about the election
at this point.
Speaker 13 (19:17):
So we gave people a choice of topics to see
how badly they don't want to talk about the election.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
The election or shoelacens.
Speaker 7 (19:26):
Okay, So the vibme I'm getting is we're not talking
about the election.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
So we can talk about the election.
Speaker 12 (19:30):
Or you can help me decide a bookcase for my vendor.
Speaker 6 (19:33):
This good bookcase?
Speaker 4 (19:34):
Do you like this one? No?
Speaker 7 (19:37):
Would you rather talk about the election or discuss if
we think orcas are still mad at us?
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Discussed about orcas.
Speaker 7 (19:44):
Like, do you think they're mad at me? Personally?
Speaker 12 (19:47):
If you could choose, would you rather talk about the
election or why.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Ties exist but you don't worried?
Speaker 12 (19:54):
Well, yes I am.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
We have two options.
Speaker 13 (19:56):
Would you rather talk about the election or do caliston.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Let's do calisthetics? Feel that? Yeah? Feel it?
Speaker 4 (20:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (20:05):
Would you rather talk about the election or listen to
me read through this manual? Read from the user manual? Right,
it might take me in about two and a half
hours to get through, but I'm.
Speaker 3 (20:16):
Still gonna go with the manual.
Speaker 7 (20:17):
Yeah, okay, all right, exciting? How do I find my
preferred psycho and vacuum levels? Every every mom reacts differently
to psycho and vacuum levels. This is about breastfeeding. Start
low and work your way up to a comfortable and
productive level. What do I do if milk gets in
(20:37):
the tubing?
Speaker 5 (20:38):
Shit?
Speaker 7 (20:39):
Luckily I have this manual, so it may cause harmful interference.
You're still listening, right, yes, okay, because it's so much
better than the elections.
Speaker 13 (20:47):
And yeah, so we could talk about the election, or
you could describe to me what shrimp tastes like without
saying the word shrimp.
Speaker 8 (20:55):
Wet and bainie.
Speaker 13 (20:58):
All right, Oh, okay, I really like shrimp fair enough.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
But then again, it's better than talking about the election.
Speaker 12 (21:04):
So if you could choose if we were having a conversation,
talk about the election, or listen to me read a
list of all the lakes in Minnesota.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
Oh, I totally would love to hear about Minnesota.
Speaker 12 (21:14):
Okay, bacs, bad acts, bad medicine, badger, bakers, bakers, bakers, yeah, bakers, bakers.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
This is better than talking about the election.
Speaker 7 (21:29):
Would you rather talk about the election or give me
five compliments?
Speaker 3 (21:32):
Give you five?
Speaker 7 (21:33):
All right, hurry up for the rise. I'll think that
you're lying. Okay, well you're very pretty.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Shut it, held up.
Speaker 7 (21:39):
I love your hair. Oh my god, you dress very cute.
Thank you that I didn't do it myself. I love
both jewelry me too, And it's actually real. If I'm
being honest, it's just very nice. Is that so nice?
Speaker 3 (21:51):
I can really flip.
Speaker 8 (21:52):
On people, by the way.
Speaker 12 (21:53):
Okay, we can talk about the election, or you can
put your hand in this mystery box.
Speaker 10 (21:57):
Off put my hand, mister.
Speaker 11 (21:58):
Okay, Oh my goodness.
Speaker 12 (22:02):
The election has been hard and I just wanted to
hook someone's hands.
Speaker 13 (22:05):
Yeah, a few more months so we could talk about
the election, or we could do three uninterrupted minutes of
eye contact.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Let's go by contact.
Speaker 4 (22:18):
Really, Yeah, that was.
Speaker 13 (22:38):
That was intense. Uh, it was a lot, but it
was better.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
Than talking everybody here grade school. It's been Troy wanted,
Josh shot. So we'll be right back. Goay. That's our
(23:12):
show for tonight. The Daily Show will be off next week,
but we'll return to Live twenty nine right around when
twelve finishes. This steam now here it is.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
You're love it to den Well, let me tell you something, brother,
You know something. When I came here tonight, there was
so much energy in this room I felt maybe I
was in Madison swear Garden getting ready to win another
world title.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on
Paramount plus
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central Um.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Probably the most trusted journalists at Comedy Center and actually
five special report The Daily Present in Decision twenty twenty
four Republican National Convince Donald Trump America with your host
Jordan Clopper.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Welcome to the Nati shab Dot cover and we are
live about El.
Speaker 4 (00:49):
Dear Lord.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
They're wrapping up the Republican National Convention as we speak.
The excitement is palpable or is that soul shaking fear?
They feel really similar. And then that wasn't enough news
to cover in a day. There's another gigantic story, brilliant.
Keep your news alerts on because the Democrats might be
recasting a very big role.
Speaker 5 (01:11):
Breaking news about President Biden's candidacy.
Speaker 6 (01:14):
The New York Times sources close to President Biden say
he's beginning to accept he might have to leave the race.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Axio says he could drop out as soon as this weekend.
It's reached almost a fever pinch. Chuck Schumer, Aqem Jeffreys,
Nancy Pelosi have all had very direct conversations with President Biden.
Speaker 7 (01:29):
His political fate more precarious than ever.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
An increasingly dire moment.
Speaker 8 (01:33):
His fate now hanging in the balance, nearing the point
of no return.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
We are close to the end of his candidacy. To
be clear, you're talking about an eighty one year old.
You gotta be clear about that. Think about how strange
this moment is. In the span of one week, one
candidate got shot and the other guy might drop out.
(02:00):
I mean years from now, children will be reading about
this in history books. I mean not in Florida, they
won't have those, but everywhere else. And on top of
that all of that, Biden has COVID, which is no
joke for a man of his age, especially because this
is an unusual strain where the brain fog hits you.
(02:21):
Three weeks ago. Now for more insight on the quickly
evolving state of Joe Biden's candidacy, we got full team coverage.
Let's first go out to DC with Michael Costa. Michael, Oh, Michael, Michael,
what's the latest, Jordan.
Speaker 8 (02:39):
I'm here outside Chuck Schumer's office as he tries to
push Biden out of the race. But it's a very difficult,
delicate situation because don't forget, he's the president, which means
he holds all the keys.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
The metaphorical keys to power the.
Speaker 8 (02:54):
Rain Jordan, the actual White House keys. Yeah, they're on
one of those big key and he has a clip
to his belt. There's a key for the Oval office,
a situation room. There's one key that just says room.
We don't even know what that is. So they either
have to convince Biden to give up the keys or
wait for him to fall asleep and try to snake
it off his belt with a broom hand.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Is that really the only solution? Why can't they just
get a locksmith and get new keys.
Speaker 8 (03:21):
I mean, I guess they could. But he's also the
only one that knows the White House Amazon passwords. So
what's the point of being president if you can't watch
the new season.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
Of The Boys?
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Am I right?
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Well, if Joe Biden's an old man, his passwords probably
something like Joe Biden won two three Jordan.
Speaker 8 (03:38):
This man is the commander in chief. I'm sure he
has access to better Oh my god, that work?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
That was it? Correct?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
We're in great shame, Thanks than Michael. Let's go down
line to Nancy the Loaf Desie love a Desi Desie.
Speaker 7 (03:54):
Dezzi.
Speaker 3 (03:55):
We know, we know, Chuck Schumer is trying to be
sensitive what's Nancy Helosi doing.
Speaker 6 (04:00):
Well, she's playing a lot more hardball, Jordan. She had
a meeting with Biden where she just stared at him
while doing that five finger knife things. Very intimidating. She's
also trying to mess with his head. She threw a
pair of sneakers over a power line outside the White House.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Is that a threat? Well?
Speaker 6 (04:21):
I don't know, but if there's one thing that freaks
out old white people, it sneakers on a power line.
Hod they get up there. Is it a gang sign?
Is it a drug thing?
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Is it hip hop? Either way, it's time.
Speaker 6 (04:33):
To move to Florida.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Wow, very fluid situation. Thank you, Dosie. Let's go out
to the Capitol Hill with Ronnie Chang Rodny. Ronnie talks
to me, Who are you talking to, Jordan.
Speaker 9 (04:49):
I'm talking to an opposing faction that standing behind Joe
Biden one to telling the president to ignore the haters,
stay in the race, and do as many public speaking
events as possible.
Speaker 3 (04:59):
Wow. Which Democrats are telling them that?
Speaker 9 (05:01):
No, no, no, If these are the Republicans they are
gong ho for Joe Biden. Jordan, this must be the
unity thing that they're talking about.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
Hey, Ronnie Chang. Everybody, look, look, whether or not Biden's
candidacy is live. We are. And the reason we're live
is that it's the last night of the Republican National Convention.
And well, most GOP conventions are about nominating a candidate
and crashing the grinder servers. This one, look it up,
(05:37):
this one, This one seemed to have a higher purpose.
This convention is happening, frankly, by the grace of God.
Speaker 6 (05:46):
It is a divine intervention by God that President Trump
is not dead right now.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
This is divine intervention.
Speaker 7 (05:51):
The bullet peers to President Trump at six eleven PM.
Speaker 8 (05:54):
Ephesian six eleven.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Tells us put on the form of God, take your
scene against the Devilini schemes.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
This was providence, God's divine providence millisecond before he fired
the shot. God gilt, Yeah, a God given tilt. If
you didn't believe in miracles before.
Speaker 9 (06:09):
Saturday, you're better believing right now, God Lord, a shill
of protection.
Speaker 10 (06:14):
God has put an armor of protection over Donald Trump.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
God is not finished with him yet.
Speaker 11 (06:21):
I believe we all witnessed a miracle literally from you know,
before it happened. The flag above got blown in the
wind and it got tied into literally what looked like
an angel.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
Divine origami. That's what we're going with. I mean, you
see an angel, I see the g string from the
cover of that Black CROs album. You see what you
want to say. But I don't mean to nitpick God.
But if God did save Trump from that bullet, he
(07:02):
kind of procrastinated to the last second, didn't they. You
could have stopped the gunman at any point during the day,
but instead he waited until the bullet was in the
air and went I was closed. I gotta stop looking
at my phone all the time. Huh. All right, fine, fine, okay.
Every cult needs a leader who was chosen by God
and has taken multiple wives. I get it, all right.
(07:25):
And plenty of people stepped up this week to sing
his praises. Now, one of the most fiery speeches was
from Florida Congressman Matt Gates. Although that's an old picture
of that case from a long time ago. The whole week,
because when he came out to speak yesterday he looked
a little different.
Speaker 8 (07:44):
Under Trump, we prospered, we were richer, inflation was low,
and there were two genders.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
And introducing the third.
Speaker 4 (08:01):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
Wow, it looks like his eyebrows are reacting to a
picture of his eyebrows. You can see why they chose
him to make the case against Joe Biden. Inflation is
so bad his forehead is now a six head. And
I could make that joke because I've been battling inflation
for years. But last night's big speech was from Donald
(08:26):
Trump's new running mate, jd Vance, who wanted to introduce
himself to the world. And this is what he went with.
Speaker 10 (08:33):
And while we're on the topic of grandparents, let me
tell you another mammal story. Now, my mamma died shortly
before I left for Iraq in two thousand and five.
And when we went through things, we found nineteen loaded handguns.
They were stashed all over her house, under her bed,
in her closet, in the silverware drawer. This frail old
woman made sure that no matter where she was, she
(08:54):
was with an arm's length of whatever she needed to
protect her family.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
That's who we fight for. That's American spirit, that's the
American spirit. Unhinged paranoia.
Speaker 4 (09:10):
You know what.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
I love how gun nuts in this country are always like,
we're responsible gun owners. Anyway, here's a glock I taped
under my baby's crib. And let me just remind everyone
that five days ago their nominee was almost taken out
by an assault rifle. And I thought that might lead
to a moment of introspection. But you guys are like,
you know, what's hilarious how guns are everywhere. But outside
(09:37):
of his anecdotes about Grandma john Wick, the fact was
that discount Ulysses as grand did not exactly set the
room on fire. But the good news for him was
that the crowd was so amped they were happy to
chant no matter what.
Speaker 10 (10:01):
Wait, I oh, oh, wait, I oh.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
You guys are a great brown Wow. I've never seen
a crowd so pumped that it started to engage in conversation.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
Yes we are.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
Let's order food. How about time. By the way, if
you're wondering why the Ohio chance is O h I oh,
it's because it's the only word people from Ohio can spell.
Go blue you hillbilly fat. But tonight was the final
(10:53):
night of the RNC. It was the last chance to
address the events of last Saturday. So to heal a
hurdy nation, the RNC brought in their most dignified voices
to deliver their message with gravity and respect.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
What happened last week when they took a shot and
my hero and they tried to kill the next president
of the United States? Enough was enough and sad looks
up a menia from while brother, whoa thank you?
Speaker 3 (11:31):
The helid has begun. He's gonna make a great energy secretary.
Now you can laugh that one of the keynote speakers
on the last night of the republic Invention as a
washed up fake wrestler. But I'll tell you what I think.
Trump just locked up the vote of every teenager in
nineteen ninety two. Okay, we heard a lot of talks.
(11:53):
Now it's time to bring the nation together, the sober
message of unity. Who's next?
Speaker 4 (11:59):
Everybody bestop it in me?
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Watch that ankle down, junior, watch that angle. Yeah, that's
how you achieve unity by making our ears bleed together.
Nothing riles me up like a fifty year old man
yelling at a bunch of sixty year old men in
suits to fight. I'll be pounding the lipidour tonight. Okay,
(12:37):
then it was a big event. Finally it's time for
Donald Trump to come out. And in case you weren't
sure who he was, they put his name in big
bright lights like it was the world's most famous circuit elephant.
That's right, Trump's gonna be president a broadword. Once the
(13:01):
cheers died down and the speaking began, Trump made some
big promises.
Speaker 5 (13:05):
Four months from now, we will have an incredible victory,
and we will begin the four greatest years in the
history of our country.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Oh, I don't know best four years? What about ninety
one to ninety five? Wu Tang Nirvana on ironic fanny packs,
Michael Jackson before it got too weird. You know, I'll
put those four years against any in history. Now, all
(13:36):
week we heard Trump was going to come out with
a new message of unity. You know what he delivered.
Speaker 5 (13:42):
As Americans, we are bound together by a single fate
and a shared destiny. We rise together or we fall apart.
I am running to be president for all of America,
not half of America, because there is no victory in
winning for half of America.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
Which is why to be deporting the half that doesn't
like me? Problem solved? You know what? You know what, No,
I'm beging a hater. This is a changed man up
here's calling for an end to discord. Let's hear how
we can bring about this unity together.
Speaker 5 (14:25):
If Democrats want to unify our country, they should drop
these spartas in witch hunts, which I have been going
through for approximately.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Eight years, and.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
They should do that without.
Speaker 5 (14:37):
Delay and allow an election to proceed that is worthy
of our people.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Oh how convenient. So the key to unifying the country
is absolving Donald Trump of his crimes. Anything else Democrats
should do America. Just think about how united the country
would be if Chuck Schumer punched himself in the dick.
Think about it. Come together. But then Trump went on
to tell the story of his near assassination on Saturday,
(15:05):
and for a moment I started to feel like maybe
this was a different Trump, someone somber, reflective. But then
he slipped in just a small nod to the Trump
we've always known.
Speaker 5 (15:19):
They knew immediately it was a sniper, and then began
pointing at him. You can see that if you look
at the group behind me, that was just a small
group compared to what was in front.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
That's how you know Trump is going to get through this.
Even in the middle of a story about almost being assassinated,
he felt the need to reflectively brag about his crowd
size I suddenly realized how insignificant we are except by
crowd size, very significant. We're all just grains of sands
on a beach, although my crowd is more like a
(15:57):
coastline big crowd, big crowd. But there was one other
thing that made me realize, this is the same Trump
in Wisconsin.
Speaker 5 (16:07):
We are spending over two hundred and fifty million dollars
here creating jobs and other economic development.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
All over the place.
Speaker 5 (16:17):
So I hope you will remember this in November and
give us your vote.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
I am trying to.
Speaker 8 (16:22):
Buy your vote. I'll be honest about that.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
He's trying to do a quit pro quoe. In the
middle of his convention speech, slot out, my man, you
don't get total immunity until after the election. So that
was Trump's speech, A changed man who is basically the
same man as before. So what do we learn from
the RNC, Well, the campaign for president is basically one
big job interview. The convention is where America checks the
(16:55):
candidate's references. And to be sure, there were plenty of
people willing to vouch for Donald Trump. You got ex
CON's domestic commuter abusers, fake wrestlers, fake friends, his children,
people sleeping with his children, and of course the esteemed
mayor of Whovill. But but if this is a job interview,
(17:20):
it's worth noting who we didn't see, most of the
people who actually worked with him in the White House.
And if American is going to do our due diligence,
we might as well call our references to hear what
they have to say about them.
Speaker 9 (17:34):
Anyone who puts themselves over the constitution should never be president.
Speaker 4 (17:37):
I think he's unfit for office.
Speaker 12 (17:39):
Richard Nixon looks like a choir boy next to Donald Trump.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
The gravest threat to democracy that we've ever seen. He
failed at being the president when we needed him to be.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
That doesn't like to read, doesn't read briefing.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Reports, absence of leadership, really anti leadership.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
We want to be dictator.
Speaker 11 (17:54):
Shouldn't be anywhere near the Oval Office.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
Nothing but contempt for our democratic institutions or constitute and
the rule of law. The president has the understanding of
a fifth or sixth grader.
Speaker 8 (18:04):
Red Sarson saying this about the president quote, he's an
effing moron.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
Okay, okay, you know what, you know what good points,
But did you see that flag? It looked like an angel.
When we come back, voters tell us about their priorities,
don't go away? Well about to the Daily Joe Weed
(18:53):
been talking about Donald prop of the RNC all night.
But did you know there are people who are completely
sick of the shit. The Daily Showed news team hit
the streets to find out more.
Speaker 13 (19:04):
We correspond are tuning into the conventions, Gus, we're getting
paid to do it. But does the average American voter
rather just tune it out?
Speaker 3 (19:11):
I'm a little election burned out. I want to talk
about the election.
Speaker 8 (19:13):
I would rather do anything but talk about the election
at this point.
Speaker 13 (19:17):
So we gave people a choice of topics to see
how badly they don't want to talk about the election.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
The election or shoelacens.
Speaker 7 (19:26):
Okay, So the vibme I'm getting is we're not talking
about the election.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
So we can talk about the election.
Speaker 12 (19:30):
Or you can help me decide a bookcase for my vendor.
Speaker 6 (19:33):
This good bookcase?
Speaker 4 (19:34):
Do you like this one? No?
Speaker 7 (19:37):
Would you rather talk about the election or discuss if
we think orcas are still mad at us?
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Discussed about orcas.
Speaker 7 (19:44):
Like, do you think they're mad at me? Personally?
Speaker 12 (19:47):
If you could choose, would you rather talk about the
election or why.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Ties exist but you don't worried?
Speaker 12 (19:54):
Well, yes I am.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
We have two options.
Speaker 13 (19:56):
Would you rather talk about the election or do caliston.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Let's do calisthetics? Feel that? Yeah? Feel it?
Speaker 4 (20:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (20:05):
Would you rather talk about the election or listen to
me read through this manual? Read from the user manual? Right,
it might take me in about two and a half
hours to get through, but I'm.
Speaker 3 (20:16):
Still gonna go with the manual.
Speaker 7 (20:17):
Yeah, okay, all right, exciting? How do I find my
preferred psycho and vacuum levels? Every every mom reacts differently
to psycho and vacuum levels. This is about breastfeeding. Start
low and work your way up to a comfortable and
productive level. What do I do if milk gets in
(20:37):
the tubing?
Speaker 5 (20:38):
Shit?
Speaker 7 (20:39):
Luckily I have this manual, so it may cause harmful interference.
You're still listening, right, yes, okay, because it's so much
better than the elections.
Speaker 13 (20:47):
And yeah, so we could talk about the election, or
you could describe to me what shrimp tastes like without
saying the word shrimp.
Speaker 8 (20:55):
Wet and bainie.
Speaker 13 (20:58):
All right, Oh, okay, I really like shrimp fair enough.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
But then again, it's better than talking about the election.
Speaker 12 (21:04):
So if you could choose if we were having a conversation,
talk about the election, or listen to me read a
list of all the lakes in Minnesota.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
Oh, I totally would love to hear about Minnesota.
Speaker 12 (21:14):
Okay, bacs, bad acts, bad medicine, badger, bakers, bakers, bakers, yeah, bakers, bakers.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
This is better than talking about the election.
Speaker 7 (21:29):
Would you rather talk about the election or give me
five compliments?
Speaker 3 (21:32):
Give you five?
Speaker 7 (21:33):
All right, hurry up for the rise. I'll think that
you're lying. Okay, well you're very pretty.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Shut it, held up.
Speaker 7 (21:39):
I love your hair. Oh my god, you dress very cute.
Thank you that I didn't do it myself. I love
both jewelry me too, And it's actually real. If I'm
being honest, it's just very nice. Is that so nice?
Speaker 3 (21:51):
I can really flip.
Speaker 8 (21:52):
On people, by the way.
Speaker 12 (21:53):
Okay, we can talk about the election, or you can
put your hand in this mystery box.
Speaker 10 (21:57):
Off put my hand, mister.
Speaker 11 (21:58):
Okay, Oh my goodness.
Speaker 12 (22:02):
The election has been hard and I just wanted to
hook someone's hands.
Speaker 13 (22:05):
Yeah, a few more months so we could talk about
the election, or we could do three uninterrupted minutes of
eye contact.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Let's go by contact.
Speaker 4 (22:18):
Really, Yeah, that was.
Speaker 13 (22:38):
That was intense. Uh, it was a lot, but it
was better.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
Than talking everybody here grade school. It's been Troy wanted,
Josh shot. So we'll be right back. Goay. That's our
(23:12):
show for tonight. The Daily Show will be off next week,
but we'll return to Live twenty nine right around when
twelve finishes. This steam now here it is.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
You're love it to den Well, let me tell you something, brother,
You know something. When I came here tonight, there was
so much energy in this room I felt maybe I
was in Madison swear Garden getting ready to win another
world title.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on
Paramount plus
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Paramount Podcasts
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