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January 13, 2020 14 mins

Hosted by Ronny Chieng and featuring Roy Wood, Jr., this podcast will supply you with the knowledge, motivation, and vitamin supplements you need to become an epic one-man success machine.

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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central. Wow. People come up to
me all the time and say, Treble, how did you
learn to crush it so hard? I always give them
the same answer, Mr Ronnie Chang In Hashtag Crushing, a
Success Podcast for Winners, Ronnie will give you the motivation,

(00:23):
the life hacks, and the f D A pending dietary
supplements that you need to live epically testing, testing diabetes

(00:43):
in the mindset, and a hope test one too. What's up,
chang Gang your boymn Chang here who with another episode
of Hashtag Crushing, a Success Podcast for Winners. A lot
of people ask me, Hey, Ronnie, how can that crush
it as hard as you're crushing it. The answer is
you can't. I'm crushing it harder than scientists thought possible.
I've written thirteen books, delivered twenty eight TED talks, and

(01:06):
I follow fifty eight thousand people on Twitter. I post
over four hundred instroirational quotes that down Instagram, and I
own over four thousand t shirts from Ed Hardy. I'm
a NonStop dynamo of epic winning. Okay, I'm like Eaton
Musk without the weird anime fetish. Fuck you Elon. But hey,
if you listen to this peak cast and follow my advice,

(01:26):
maybe you two can write this cross train to crush
Town and the train conductor. It's Jeremy Piven. All right,
I'm ready to pound. Let's start the show. Success money
Instagram faking whoa, I'm still buzzing you guys. I just

(01:53):
delivered the keynote of Power Thoughts Summit, presented by Forbes
and Lin Cuisine. In fact, if you're interested, you can
stream my speech right now. It's title why every Entrepreneurs
to try huffing spray paint? Check that out on YouTube
or catch me in my next live event. Pumping up
the crowd at a winter assembly for Pembroke Middle School,
Mrs Goldstein's class is gonna be seeing Christmas carols and
I'm gonna be shooting red bulls out of a T

(02:14):
shirt cannon. Hell yeah, you know what that means. It's
time for the cleans report. Right now, I'm doing a
Solids and Liquids cleans. I'm not eating or drinking any
solids or liquids for two weeks. I mean, for breakfast,
I had some vape smoke and for lunch, I think

(02:37):
I'm gonna suck the helium of a balloon animal. I
gotta tell you, thanks to this cleans hey, my energy
is up, my blood pressure is down, and my motor
skills are shot. If any of that sounds appealing to you,
why don't you check out my website Ronnie Chang dot
protein Powder. I've got exclusive recipes and an interview with
Ashton Kutcher. Right, I'm backed. Let's take some calls if

(03:04):
you've got a question about anything, entrepreneurship, muscle, mass manscaping
bill right now. If a line is busy, dal Hotter,
it's crushed. All right. We got a call on the
line with James from Danbury, Connecticut. Hello James, longtime fan.

(03:25):
Of course you are. I'm in Alpha's Alpha. I'm in
Alfalfa um. So I'm about to be a college freshman
and I want to become a doctor. I'm thinking neurosurgeon. Maybe.
Do you have any advice for how I can make
that happen? James, I do have some advice, and that
advice is don't go to college, bro. Student debt is

(03:47):
for suckers. You can learn everything you would in medical
school by purchasing a corpse on the doc web you
buy the corps, you cut it open, you poke around inside,
and hey, you'll be ready to operate on Live Humans
after four to five of corpses. No debt required. That said,
you should pledge a frad Next call up, Hey, Ronnie,
this is Mike from Staten Island. What's up, Mike from

(04:09):
Staten Island? How can I improve your life today? I
want to be an Instagram influencer. Right now, I have
two followers, mostly high school friends. How can I gain more? Okay,
I get this a lot. The answer is simple. Instagram
loves sex appeal and it loves travel. So I always
tell people, quit your job and become a pirate. Go
somewhere sexy, like Somalia. Your Instagram will explode. Trust me, bro?

(04:32):
Oh okay, um, is there a way I can gain
Instagram followers without becoming a pirate? No, Bro, you are
you kidding me? I just give you advice that's wolf
like a billion dollars. You off the phone and go
on the next flight to Mogo. D Shoot, Okay, I've
had enough of you. Next callar, Hello, n one. My husband.
He's gripping at his chest. I think he's having a

(04:54):
heart attack. Oh hell yeah, Okay, some contact of our listeners.
I recently got a life from post Malone. You pay
a guy the phone company to read that. Right now,
on one calls to your personal line, instant growth has Wow,
it sounds like he's really suffering from a bad I

(05:14):
don't know how I get connected to you. He's sending
an ambulance. I don't think he's gonna make You're definitely
not with that negativity. Don't hate job creat Okay, next collar,
Mr Chang, This is agent Jim Peterson again with the
Internal Revenue Service. Okay, that was a wrong number. You know,
I've got a lot of haters at the i r
S because of how successful I've been. Like, seriously, I'm

(05:36):
the mother toters of giving vibes and the Wesley Snipes
of paying taxes. All right, Next scholars, Ryan from Nashville,
what's up, Buddy hey Man? Just finished reading your book. Nice?
Thank you so much. For those who don't know, my
new book, The Success Virus How to Infect Yourself with
Winning is in stores now. Is two under and twenty
pages of pure knowledge. Yeah about that. The first twenty

(05:59):
page we're just bows, are you at plant Fitness? And
then the lasts were just a knockoff of the Babysitters Club. Hey,
don't knock the teenage Childcare Society. I mean talks with
Disney Plus to make into a minister. Was no advice
in the book at all. I want my money back, yeah,
and I want my former assistance to stop telling people
I have a lifetime band from Jiffy Lube. But we
don't always get what we want. We get what we crush.

(06:22):
That's crushing head brick right now. And when we're back,
why have my special guests Daily show correspondent Royal And
I'm gonna ask him if these ever snorted dog tranquilizers.
Today's episode is sponsored by Doctor Manhood's Tissues for Men.

(06:43):
Are you tired of goodly tissues that look like they
were designed by Nancy Myers, director of Something's Got Give
and the Holiday or whatever those are? And then you
need Doctor Manhood's Tissues for menton field, badass tissues for
jack bros that just like regular tissues, except they come
in a black box with flames. You don't know where

(07:03):
ladies close are. Vote for a female politician and why
are you blowing your nose with a woman's cleanex Doctor
Manhood's Tissues for men, don't blow your nose, brow your nose.
Today's episode of Hashtag Crushing is brought to you by
Running Chanks Cursed Healing Crystals. Listen, bros. These crystals will

(07:25):
change your life. I recently mowed down a witch with
my tesla, and when I went to go check for
the body, all that was there was a burlap sack
filled with these crystals. Now I'm selling them to you
for literally any amount of money. Please, I need them
out of my house. I just tried to throw them
in the river, but when I got back to my
place there was more of them. Ryan Shanks cursed healing crystals.

(07:49):
Oh god, they're glowing again. All right, we'll back, and
we're joining out by a legendary guest. He's a correspond
on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah and it looks
like he could bench. I don't know thirty royand Jr.

(08:09):
Is here. I actually I think I can bench preuss
like one last I try. Okay, well that's pretty weak.
What does that smell? It's dear carcus. Roy, you are
crushing it. Man, you're crushing the two running. Yeah, I know,
it's it's actually a problem. How hot I'm crushing it.
I'm starting to affect the people around me and the
people I love. Uh, Roy, let me let me ask

(08:32):
you something. Uh you're like a stand up comedian, right,
A lot of nights on the road lonely. How do
you stay emotionally connected to your loved ones while maintaining
focus on your career. I think the important thing when
you're traveling is to take something from home on the road.
I'm just kidding. No one cares about. Actually, there's my
first real question. Have you ever done d MT? Uh? No,

(08:53):
you have an inject horseplate list. I don't even know
what that. You have a free base of stuff inside
glow sticks. I'm not into that, Ronnie. I just can
we just talk about some of the stuff I'm working on.
I got a web series. But before that, let me
just ask you. You ever take L S D and
have a threesome inside an aquari of i'mould just answer

(09:17):
a question about travel, Okay, alright, alright, answer the travel question.
Go ahead, But you might have a crank of some
chin up. So are you talk? Fine? Do whatever you
need to do. Man, Look, when I'm on the road,
I do my best to make sure that my family
has spend number one priority. I face time with my

(09:39):
I try to make sure that my son knows that
I love him, So I FaceTime with Pain's just weakness
exiting the bottom. So for me, it comes down to
one question when I'm looking at what gigs would take,
will this opportunity negatively affect my family life? Because I
have to consider how many days I'm going to miss
my family? For sure? Great great id. Thus, by the way,

(10:01):
I'm not sure if you noticed me over there, just
pulling up, just just ripping metal. So I gotta ask,
you're doing no P November? What did hell is no
P November? Well, you know you're in it for an
entire month of November. I'm doing it. It's sick running
November was last year, dude. November is a state of mind.
Is that like no November where you don't masturbate to

(10:23):
It's like that because it involves the penis, but instead
of nodding, it's urine, so you haven't p for an
entire That's right. The only p im into is P
nine X. It's a powerful world because it's got numbers
and letters in it. Speaking of power, do you ever
eat a bald eagle. They're an endangered species. Why would
I eat an patriotism bro I eat bald eagle and

(10:46):
I feel America coursing through my veins. Okay, so I
was watching your Last stand Out Special. Very funny stuff,
by the way, I appreciate that. Thanks. I especially love
the part where you talk about the nutritional benefits of
elp meat and are you suld that was me you
were watching. I didn't talk about elk am I special.
I didn't talk about elk meat. Oh okay, Well, maybe

(11:07):
I'm confused because I watched it on ten X speed
finished a whole hour in six minutes. Anyway, you ever
do an elk binge. That's where you killing elk and
you have seventy two hours to eat the entire thing,
including the bones. That's how Caveman lived. Caveman also had
an average lifespan of seventeen years. They didn't have Tesla
as a podcast. They didn't even speak English. That's a
really good point. Elk meat is really lean and dense

(11:27):
and nutrients. It feels it feels like I'm saying things
and then you're just hearing words completely different from the
words I'm saying like totally, that was so nineties, you know,
all right? Can can I ask you a question? Shoot?
Why are you like this? Why are you obsessed with
caveman fitness routines, masculine diet, fats and drugs inside of

(11:51):
glow sticks and eating eagle jerky? What happened to you?
What made you this way? Wow? No one's ever asked
me that before. Actually, you know what, I don't know
if I can talk about this. No, no, no, no,
you can, you can, man, you can just okay? Well, um,
Ever since I was a teenager, I knew I was different.

(12:12):
I was rebellious, and I fell in with the wrong crowd.
I got into fast cause, extreme sports, trusty women. Okay,
but that's that's pretty on power for the young guy.
That's then one day my life changed. The government needed
my extreme sports expertise to infiltrate the Russian terrorist cell

(12:32):
in Central Europe. Okay, hold up, please let me get
through this. The terrorist group known as Anarchy ninety nine
had acquired a biochemical weapon and there was only one
way to this on the missile, using my extreme sports
capabilities and racing cars through the streets of product. Wait,
so Anarchy you should. That was the name of the
terrorists group. Yeah, okay, that's just the plot the Triple X.

(12:54):
That was Finn Diesel. Who did all that? You didn't
do that ship? They based that movie on me? No man,
I'm full of urine. No p November. Remember I'm gonna
go well the doors a lot from the outside, so
that's not happening. Okay, that's another episode of hashtag Crushing,
a success podcast for winners. Can'tlys plug my website. I
hope you learned some new ways to hack your way

(13:15):
through the jungle we call life. Thanks to my guests,
Ray Woods Jr. Dis move. Thanks everyone. I gotta gota
do cross fit with the founder of we Work. We're
best friends until next time. Keep crushing that ship. WHOA.

(13:43):
This episode is brought to you by Legal Zoo. Did
you commit a crime at a zoo, for example, or
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(14:05):
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(14:28):
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Crush your greas. This has been a Comedy Central podcast
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