The Eds: The Good Fight

Not every marriage is perfect.

Eddie and Edwin open up about what makes and breaks a relationship.

Plus, how do they each react in a fight? 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is The Eds with Eddie, Judge and Edwin Aoyavi
the Husband's know Best, a too cheese production. Here we
go The Eds are back, Episode ten. Bro, can you
believe that we are right?

Speaker 2 (00:14):
And it's flying? And well? I think we're pros now.

Speaker 1 (00:19):
I think we know what we're doing now.

Speaker 2 (00:21):
Now I don't know do we still have that five star?
I have to check back.

Speaker 1 (00:26):
I got to check with our team. I haven't reviewed
watched the reviews lately, but and this is a good
time to mention that it is important to send those
reviews in because it does help us understand what we're
doing right and what we're doing wrong. So please please
keep sending us the reviews. Today we are going to
talk about what makes or breaks a relationship, fighting and communication.

(00:48):
This is going to be a very interesting one and
one that I'm going to have to go deep in
because I'm a completely different person today when it comes
to fighting and communication than I was when I was young.

Speaker 2 (01:02):
Same here, yeah, yeah, you know.

Speaker 1 (01:05):
One of the interesting things that that that comes up
is like, what what was our communication model when we
were young? I mean, who who did you look up
to or learn from? How to you know? Quote unquote.
I think that's the key is how do you fight
and how do you fight to get to the next

(01:25):
level of productivity versus fighting to just kill each other? Right,
I think there's a big difference. So who was your
like role model? Was it parents or.

Speaker 2 (01:37):
I would think parents. I mean, my again, my dad
was is a wonderful man. He's still my hero. There's
so many great things I learned from him. Yeah, one
of them was like, make sure you always take care
of your mom. But he did have a different way
of communicating when I mean, he was very stern and

(01:58):
I mean if I would i'd mess something up, he
would basically kick my ass and I was scared of him,
and God forbid, I would cry in front of him
because then he'd give me something to cry about. Yeah,
so you know, that level of communication for me was
you know, sometimes now, like my son starts crying out

(02:23):
of nowhere for nothing, it almost takes me back to
those moments, right. It triggers me and then I want
to react the way my dad used to react with me,
and then I got to hold myself right. And it's
that sort of self awareness is self mastery in many ways,
because you know how to like maybe stop yourself, because

(02:44):
you could very easily go revert back to kind of
what you're used to, which is, hey, you're crying. I'm
going to give you something to cry about. Like you
shouldn't be crying. You are a man. You're not supposed
to cry a kind of deal, right, Like that's what
I remember.

Speaker 1 (02:59):
As a kid, That's how I remember it too. Yeah,
And I are you saying that at this point as
a father yourself, you don't think it's a productive way
of treating your child, your male child, or is there
a better way? What do you tell what do you

(03:20):
what are you telling me?

Speaker 2 (03:22):
I think love is always the best way, right than fear.
I think love would always cast out fear. That said,
it's easier said than done, right because you want to
go there. But when that doesn't work, you you immediately
want to go to all right, let me just put
fear into them, right, you know? For me, you know,
Teddy's been a big help with that with me and
just you know, helping me with that stuff. Uh. But

(03:45):
you know, sometimes I gotta raise my voice style like
that's that's still one that I revert back to, is
that tonality of raising the voice and and and and
getting that sort of reaction. Once I the boys, I
kind of get, you know, get them to calm down.
I don't know, I don't think it's the best way
to do it. But that's sometimes where I'll revert back

(04:07):
to that that I'm still trying to work on, you know,
Like it gets a lot to get me upset. But
if I get upset, it's not good. Yeah, but it
takes a lot. Like you really don't push my buttons.

Speaker 1 (04:22):
Yeah, And there's really only one person in this world
that knows that combination. And I think it's for you too.
It's our wives. They know the right combination to push
to get piss us off. Outside of them, nobody really
pisses me off, right, Yeah, nobody bothers me. The interesting
thing that you mentioned just now by your son getting emotional.

(04:42):
I remember when I was a kid, I was emotional,
and when I was either getting bullied or upset, or
anxious or just really angry about something, I would cry,
and I would I didn't have a father like you
to tell me, you know, if you cry, I'm going
to give you something to cry about. I had either
uncles or friends that would portray that message. And I

(05:06):
would be mad at myself because I was crying. I'm like,
I should not be emotional. I should not be crying
right now. I should be upset, ready to kick somebody's ass.
Why am I emotional? I'll never forget that, those moments
when I just couldn't control those those emotions. Right.

Speaker 2 (05:22):
How did that whole bullying thing happen? Well, because I
know that happens a lot in school too.

Speaker 1 (05:26):
Now, Yeah, I mean the bullying varied between you know,
the bigger kids picking on the little guy, and that's
just that's normal. The other bullying would be in the
neighborhood where you know, predominantly white and you have a
Mexican kid and they're picking on you because you're a Mexican, right,
or just little things like that. Never really, I've been

(05:48):
in one fight, really physical fight in my entire life.
And it was in high school and I was sick
and I didn't even know why I was fighting, but
I went and fought, and you know, all meetrue other
after school and we got in a fight and it
was a I think he ended up winning, but it
was pretty much a draw because I wasn't myself. I
was sick, I had a cold. I couldn't keep up.

(06:09):
But ever since then, I said, this doesn't resolve anything,
This didn't do anything. You know, I still hate the guy,
and I learned from that point, like you know, I
just tried to avoid any physical conflict from this point forward.
But in that journey, the biggest challenge for me was
how do I manage these emotions that you know, when

(06:32):
I'm really really upset and this is really young, I
just want to cry. And today I think it would
helped me tremendously. Was reading a book called Emotional Intelligence,
and they had a sequel emotion Emotional Intelligence too. And
and of course you remember I took acting classes in
college that all helped me really get in touch in

(06:55):
control of my emotions. And now that I'm older, I
find that, you know, there's always a story behind somebody
on the other side that makes him act or be
the way they are. You know, somebody, for example, you're
driving down the street and I used to get really
upset with road rage when people cut me off. And

(07:15):
you know, again when I was younger, I'm like, you know,
what do you think you are cutting me off? Right?
But they could be you know, late to work, or
they could be running to their grandmother because she's sick,
or you know, whatever the reason is, it's best to
just let them have it and not, you know, not
say anything right, not get upset, not not escalate the

(07:37):
problem that didn't even really exist before. He's just cutting
you off right. More recently, I learned sort of the
hard way. I was writing my Harley to go pick
up some shirts, some sample shirts at this print shop
that my buddy owns, and I was just cruising, having

(07:58):
a good time, and this guy cuts me off on
the freeway exit and he literally cut me off. I
know he saw me coming because I got these huge
bright headlights on my bike, and so I went around
him and I just gave him the finger. And he
was in this little Honda black Civi Conda, and he
got pissed off and he chased me down for like
a mile. He chased me down all the way until
I got to the shop. I pulled up into the shop,

(08:20):
obviously my friend's there and now his employees, and the
guy gets out. I was like, well, you flipped me off,
and I'm like, you really want to get down through it.
I mean, this guy was breaking the law doing you know,
you turns like he he If you didn't know it,
you would think he's trying to kill me. And it
was a pretty bad situation. That taught me like, yeah,

(08:43):
maybe from now and forward, don't flip anybody off. Don't
escalate the problem, because you never know what is wrong
with their life, all right.

Speaker 2 (08:52):
Yeah, there's people that have gotten shot over that, So
you just don't know who you're at the time and
who you might be flipping off, and they might just
be having a horrible the whole ole day and they
might just pull a gun on you.

Speaker 1 (09:02):
Right. Yeah. A buddy of mine recently had the same experience,
but he didn't flip the guy off. He just he
was on the freeway and this guy was just going
in and out of traffic, one of those idiot drivers,
right that is just it's a matter of time before
he's going to cause an accident. And he came up
to my friend, you know, pretty hard behind him and
swerved away, and my friend just lifted his hand, you know,

(09:24):
his arm up like what you know, and the guy
chased him down all the way into the exit of
the freeway, and my buddy's like, you know what, I
don't want anything to do with this guy. This guy's
a nut job. And he ended up writing he exited
the freeway, and the guy exited the freeway and he
went around him and stopped in front of him. He
started backing his car up, and my buddy just turned

(09:44):
around and went the wrong way on the freeway off ramp,
going like, yeah, what is wrong with these people that
they're so crazy they want to kill you?

Speaker 2 (09:52):
Well, you know what's interesting is, you know we talked
about like how do you stop you know, reacting right,
And and that's where meditation comes in, right, because meditation
allows you to focus and it allows you to like
respond instead of react to things, because sometimes you won't
even know you're doing it right, So it's like something
will trigger you and then all of a sudden you'll

(10:13):
just get anger. But if you can again, if you
could focus so much and you could be aware of like, okay,
this is just this is a trigger that's going to
make me do it, and you could actually respond to
it versus reacting. I think for me that's what like
meditation has been helping me with quite a bit. Yeah,

(10:34):
because now I could I could almost see what's going
to happen before it's it's like it just doesn't trigger
me anymore. But like I think of like, you know,
there's been you know, past relationships where because of their
past just anything, you would say something and it's all
of a sudden they're in your face and they want

(10:56):
to box it out. Yeah right. And I've dated women
like that that that I have wanted to just box
it out. Like the minute you you god forbid you
said a word, yeah, and all of a sudden it
was like, okay, let's let's I'm gonna I'm gonna punch
you in the face kind of deal, you know, and.

Speaker 1 (11:14):
You're like, whoa, wow, Wow. Yeah, I I haven't experienced that.
I think it's a real thing, especially because I've seen
guys you know.

Speaker 2 (11:26):
Who gets right. There's guys thing right.

Speaker 1 (11:29):
Yeah, the guys do. It's it's more predominantly that that
guys you know do that. But I'm sure there's women
out there that are very you know, angry, and and
that's there, I guess way of handling a situation. I mean,
growing up Latinos, we're pretty much stereotype as my cheese.
Most and and that's how most Latino men are, like

(11:50):
Rye and you know, mess with me or my family, right.
And the funny thing is, for me, I think it
was experience and all that helped me become more understanding
of the world. Right when I was young, I would
say that I'm pretty ignorant to the world, you know,

(12:11):
the realities of the even in my especially in my twenties,
right when you think you know the whole what the
world's all about, right, everybody in their twenties things they
got it all in control. But it wasn't you know,
until I experienced just life and learning, you know, especially
being illegal and watching some of these unnecessary cases come

(12:32):
across your desk and you're like, these guys are fighting
over trash cans left outside of their you know, front yard,
or you know, parking in front of your neighbor's front
of your neighbor's house. You're fighting about that. It opens
up your eyes to all the stupidity out there of
people getting upset and fighting over nothing. Growing up, I

(13:03):
used to hang out with all kinds of people, including
gang members, right. And the mentality with a gang member
group is you mess with my my homie, I'm gonna
kick your ass. You know, you got to get through
me to get through my homie, and that taught me
the lesson of Okay, there's loyalty involved here, but why
would I put myself in the line of fire over
some dude, you know, especially if the dude deserved it, right,

(13:29):
It didn't make any sense at the time. It doesn't
make sense now and I completely understand it today. It's
just the way they value their relationship, and that's what
puts value in their in their life. Right. It's not
much different if somebody is threatening my family, if somebody
is you know, that's the hardest part when it came

(13:50):
to the show. It's like, all right, you're you're in
my wife's face, you know, and you're a guy and
you're you're arguing with my wife. You know, what the
hell am I supposed to do? Initially? I just want
to lean over, reach over this table here and beat
the shit out of you, right and get physical. But
the reality is, ay, it's a television show. It shouldn't
get to that point. B You're gonna look like the

(14:13):
idiot because you're arguing with the woman on TV. Right,
And see, it's kind of not real, you know, this
is all fabricated shit that doesn't really mean anything or
matter ultimately right. So that's helped me really in that situation.
But if it was a real life situation where some
drunk or some you know woman attacks my wife, like,

(14:34):
I don't know what I would do. It's almost like
a case by case, you know what I would I
just try to separate them. Would I get involved? If
somebody punches me? What do I do? You know, it's
it's kind of scary. This world is getting a little
bit more and more fearful, in my opinion.

Speaker 2 (14:52):
Do you remember fighting? What was your last fight with
with a girlfriend? Was that a big one or.

Speaker 1 (15:00):
The last real fight with the girlfriend? And it was
the only reason it was a fight. It was way
before camera. The only reason it was a fight was
because she would not let me go. You know, she
wanted to just make sure we tried everything on this relationship.
She was she was an mba very highly educated, very

(15:21):
motivated woman, very inspired, inspiring. But you know, we knocked
heads and I just didn't like the way she tried
to control everything and I was out. I'm out. I
don't want to be in this relationship anymore. And it
literally took probably a month, you know, to get out
of that relationship. That was the first time I've ever
felt like, you know, kind of threatened, like, I mean,

(15:44):
what do you mean You're not gonna let me go?
What do you mean We're not breaking up? We're breaking up.
It's over. Yeah, But that was the only time I've
ever felt kind of uneasy about a conflict with with
with a girlfriend. To her, they've been pretty easy, you know,
I have. I had this attitude before I met Tama

(16:07):
that as soon as something was wrong in the relationship,
I just go bye bye. You know, I'm done. I
can't deal with this. And I think it's part of
my experience growing up, you know, just not really having
a guide or an example of how to deal with conflict,
but more how do I protect myself? You know, how

(16:28):
do I protect my my feelings and my emotions when
you know this relationship is not working out? I'm out?
And I didn't learn the value of it until I
met Tamra. And you know, we had a few for
her first few fights and I was like, Okay, I'm out,
and she's like, but I mean you're out, We're not out.
We're going to work through this, and and she totally
pulled me in. But in a very positive way, you know,

(16:50):
and taught me the lesson like, no, this is we're
in love and we got to make this work. And
and it really opened up my eyes to it. Again,
It's a life experience that I never had because I
never had those examples or the or a book that
I can read to tell me this is how you
handle conflict if in case, this is the scenario you

(17:12):
find yourself in.

Speaker 2 (17:13):
Right, m hmm, what about you.

Speaker 1 (17:17):
Have you had any adverse fights or anything like that
in relationships when you're in a relationship with crazy girl.

Speaker 2 (17:26):
Yeah, I mean, definitely had my share of fights. Definitely
had my share of back to back women that were
I guess, very aggressive, I should say so. A couple
of times. One tried breaking a couple of TVs in
my house, tried to mess up a couple of things

(17:48):
at the house, a couple of imagine that. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
so it was it was interesting dealing with that. Yeah,
I think you know, one thing my my dad always
taught me too, is you know, never to hit a girl, right.

Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah, yes, that was I don't know where I learned that,
but that was one of the most important things. And yep,
it's hard to understand though, because what if she hits
you first?

Speaker 2 (18:19):
And right?

Speaker 1 (18:20):
No, yeah, right, how do you handle it then?

Speaker 2 (18:24):
Right? So that's you know, that's a tough one, right
when when you're getting struck first and all that. But
you know that was that's always been like my dad
was always like, hey, you don't touch a girl. I
don't care what they do, you just you don't go there.

Speaker 1 (18:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (18:39):
So again, I think you pick up a lot of
stuff when you're young, and uh, I think that helped
me control myself during those moments. Yeah, and also know
that it's just you know, you react to one of
those moments and you're gonna end up in the in
a bad place there. So yeah, yeah, so's it's interesting

(19:01):
because especially when you're younger, Right, when you're younger, you
don't know as much. I mean, you know, now it's
funny because not funny, but like Teddy and I, one
of the few times we get in an argument, she's
the type that will not go to sleep until it
gets fixed, right, So she wants to talk it out.

(19:22):
She wants to get it fixed and go to sleep.
I'm not that way. I'm like, let me go to
sleep and I'll be fine. In the morning. Yeah so,
but because I shut down, I just it. Just when
I shut down, I shut down. If I get pissed,
it's like I got no emotion, no emotion whatever. It

(19:42):
just I don't even know how it happens. It's just
I just turned cold and there's nothing you can say
to me. I'm just not talking now. The next day, though,
I wake up like, I know myself, I'm cool, I'm good,
I'm fine. But she Nope, she needs to have that conversation,
and that sometimes has gotten me more upset because I'm like,

(20:04):
just wait till the morning. I do not want to talk. Now.
We'll end up doing it and it ends up being well as well.
But for me, my natural reaction is to just wake
up the next morning talk about it then, because I'm
calm and my emotion is back. She wants to figure
that stuff out, like on the spot.

Speaker 1 (20:23):
I think I'm exactly the same way and when, and
what I've learned in my experience and analyzing as much
as I can about it is that I personally rather
shut down and calm myself down and get my thoughts,
collect my thoughts, and manage my emotions, because if I'm

(20:46):
pushed and cornered into a wall. I am going to
come out fighting and saying the worst things that could
come out of my mouth and mean it right. Yeah,
So I know this about me. And every single time
I've ever been in a situation in a relationship, and
I think it's only been two one is my current
relationship with my wife. She's like teddy, she wants to

(21:08):
resolve it before she goes to bed. She wants to
talk it through da da da, And if I'm not
in control, I'm like, don't talk to me right now.
It just just leave me alone. It took probably maybe
three to six scenarios where that happened, and my wife
finally learned like, Okay, I don't want to push him

(21:31):
right now because I know he's about to lose it,
right And I've gotten to the point where I just
remind her, hey, listen, is this not a time to
talk about it. If you keep pushing it, I'm gonna
lose my shit. And of course she's so pissed, like
are you threatening me? I'm like, I'm promising you. You
know how I can get you know. And that's the

(21:53):
thing that I learned is I hated those moments when
I did lose my shit and I lost control and
I said some horrible things. But once I've calmed down
and I apologize and we talk it through, because that's important.
You both have to be in the frame of mind
to be able to communicate, clear minded, right, and emotionally
ready to accept whatever caused the issue. If you're both

(22:16):
in that place, it's going to be effective. But if
one of you is shut down because it's like a
time bomb ready to explode, and the other one's just
trying to push because they want to get to the
other side, you know, I don't want to deal with
this anymore. I just want to just get into a
fight and get over with and move on. Right. That's
kind of what Icy my wife does. She's really good
about just get into a fight, get it over with,

(22:38):
and then then after it's done, ah, I love you, honey,
it is like nothing happened. And one of the cool
things is that she doesn't necessarily bring it up again,
right like some other women that I've dated, where you know,
ten years from now is like remember that moment, Like, no,
I don't remember that, but yeah, I think it took

(23:00):
actually fighting and navigating through the conflict between my wife
and I for us to learn how how to fight right,
to learn what is my max threshold, what's her max threshold?
What are her you know, soft buttons and her triggers
and what are my triggers? And unfortunately it had to

(23:21):
be a fight before we found out, Okay, I'm not
going to push her right now, or I'm not going
to push him right now. And I'm not saying that.
You know, it's the perfect way of communicating. It's it's
working for us, you know when when it when it
comes to conflicts. But at the same time, we're at
the point in our relationship where like, yeah, I really

(23:42):
don't want to bring that up because it's just going
to be a fight. It's kind of like where are
the landmines right now? Because I don't want to go
down that path.

Speaker 2 (23:54):
Well, I think to your point, right, when you get
you get to know your partner right where again, I'm
the same way. If you push me and you continue
to push me, I'm going to know exactly what to
say to like hurt you. Yeah, but I'm only going
to go there like if you really really pissed me off,
and and I'm the same way, let me just go

(24:15):
to sleep. Let me go to sleep, cause I already
know I'm a taking time bomb. I'm a taking time
bomb if you keep pushing, pushing, pushing, So now you know,
it's like she kind of knows. All right, I'm just
gonna let them wake up in the morning. We'll talk
about it in the morning. And I am a total
different person in the morning, like I'm it's like new day.
I'm in a good mood. I'm good.

Speaker 1 (24:35):
You know.

Speaker 2 (24:37):
So you said about that, right, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (24:41):
The interesting question I have is what why are our
wives like that? Why do they feel they have to
get it resolved right away? You know, what's the psychology
behind that? And what what what can I do to
help them feel better about, you know, not giving in
and fighting with them, you know, to resolve it because

(25:04):
it doesn't work for me. It might work for them,
but it doesn't work for me. You know, what can
we do to help the situation so they feel like okay,
maybe you know, maybe it is okay to wait till
the morning to get in a fight, or what is
it that that makes them feel like I just got
to get in the fight and get it over with

(25:24):
and then I'll move on, you know, because I've seen
that a lot in my wife at least, Like, Okay,
we fight, we you know, sometimes we can't help ourselves
and we say something stupid, and then ten minutes later
we're back to normal. That can never happened. But maybe
it's just that it's maybe it's just like, let's just
get it over with and move on, versus I don't

(25:46):
want to get over with. You know, I am ready
to explode because of the scenario we're in, and I
need some time to just calm down. So please let
me calm down before we talk about this.

Speaker 2 (25:58):
Right, That's a good question, and I've been trying to
figure that one out myself. I mean, how do you right?
But you know, it's interesting for me too. I'm you
know what, sometimes it takes me a couple of days
to forgive, right. Yeah. It's like, are you gonna apologize?
Like I got nothing to apologize, You should be apologizing
to me, right yeah? And then after a couple of days,

(26:22):
you're just like, all right, let's you just kind of
have fun with it at that point because you're all right, right,
But there is something to be said about you know,
forgiveness and gratefulness are unseparable. Right, they're inseparable, I should say, yeah,
And bitterness and ungratefulness are also inseparable. So you know,

(26:44):
you got to be careful with not forgiving because you
become bitter and then you become ungrateful, and then that's
how that relationship starts to drift. Right, you know the
opposite again. You you forgive somebody, then all of a sudden,
you're grateful for it again. You know, those two things
are inseparable, forgiveness and gratefulness.

Speaker 1 (27:04):
I think though, to your point earlier, I think you
hit the nail on the head and when it comes
to communicating, love is the most important thing that can
get you through anything, any hardship, any situation. Not saying
that it's going to be you know, bunny bunny tails
and you know, beautiful life. It's going to be hard.

(27:26):
But as long as you have love, you have something
really powerful that is worth fighting for. Right.

Speaker 2 (27:33):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (27:34):
I think that's what's really helped me with my relationship
with my wife, is like, we have love and it's
worth the fight. It's worth learning how to fight and
how how to get to the other side together versus
a part. I think that's the you know what.

Speaker 2 (27:49):
I haven't tried, and I'm just it's like, a I
don't know. I just I've never really understood why shouldn't
say I never tried it. I tried it once therapy,
and I tried it once just because Teddy's like, we
should go to therapy because you know, we're going through
a tough time, and I felt like all I'm doing

(28:14):
is talking. I'm not getting any They're not solving my issue.
I'm sitting here like I'm just talking away for an
hour and I just got charged whatever it was. I
don't know, a thousand bucks, and I'm like, talk, you did,

(28:34):
just hear me talk? I could. I could hear myself
talk all day long, but I never you know, that's
that's that's been. I've never really understood that one. It's
always I don't know if it's because the way I
was I was brought up, but I'm not saying therapy
is wrong. I want to clear that up. But in

(28:55):
my head, I'm just like, I don't why do I
need therapy.

Speaker 1 (28:58):
I'm yeah, I'm good. I've never had therapy. I've never
experienced that, And a lot of it had to do
with the fact that we couldn't afford it growing up, right,
So we.

Speaker 2 (29:10):
Write same thing, But I feel like everything now is
you need therapy for this, you need therapy for that.

Speaker 1 (29:14):
I'm like, well, my understanding on the effectiveness of therapy
is kind of like a friendship. They got to get
to know the real you. And one of one of
my closest friends is my wife. But it took I
don't know, thirteen years to get to this point.

Speaker 2 (29:35):
Yeah, therapy.

Speaker 1 (29:36):
Yeah, there's some level of professional psychology that that you
know is behind a lot of their credentials, but I
have never experienced it. I have, I don't. I'm not
against it for the record. I think it works for
some people. But I think the value in talk with

(30:00):
your partner and communicating is therapy in and of itself.
But the most important part is is that your partner
has to understand that communication is when both of you
actually understand what each other says. And if you're just
discounting what one person is saying because you're thinking about

(30:20):
what you're going to say, you're not communicating right. You're
so upset and you're stuck on that subject and I
just want to get my point out so he hears me,
and you're doing the same thing and it just becomes
a fight. So that's where the third party comes in
and allows you to put you in one corner and
the other one in the other corner and like, Okay,
catch your breath and listen to yourself talk and you'll

(30:44):
figure it out.

Speaker 2 (30:46):
Yep.

Speaker 1 (30:47):
I think that's the effectiveness of it. I mean, obviously
a lot of people have taken therapy and it's helped tremendously,
and some people go through therapy their entire life because
sometimes it's hard to find somebody you can really trust
one hundred percent. You know, you gotta It's like our
our forum brothers and sisters, right when you're in forum,

(31:10):
those are the people you trust. Those are the people
that know pretty much everything about you. And where else
are you going to go and do that if you
don't have that? Did you ever we talked a little

(31:30):
bit about this, did you ever figure out your wife's
love language?

Speaker 2 (31:34):
She is definitely one of the choices on those Again,
I want to say, she's the words of affirmation. She's
all about her. I want my card for our birthday,
I want our card for our anniversary, and I'm like, well,
I didn't get you the card but I wrote you
a nice post on Instagram. I mean, the card just

(32:00):
gonna probably throw it away, you guys, I know, I
just did an awesome post for you on Instagram. It
doesn't get better than that. But she is definitely a
word of affirmation person for sure. And that is not
my love language.

Speaker 1 (32:16):
That is yours.

Speaker 2 (32:17):
No, that's not like, that's not yours.

Speaker 1 (32:19):
What's yours?

Speaker 2 (32:20):
I'm not a like, let me write you this long
poem like, it's not me. I like acts of service, okay,
Like I like being taken care of. I like, uh yeah,
So Teddy doesn't cook that much anymore, but like when
she'd back in the day, when I'd come home and
she'd have dinner cooked and she'd serve me. That was cool. Actually,

(32:42):
funny thing about funny thing about Teddy is so my mom.
You know, growing up, she she just always took care
of me. I'm like a big mama's boy, So she
always served me. Like, so when ted Teddy and I
were dating, Mom would always come and serve me and
all that good stuff. Right, So Teddy kind of got

(33:04):
used to that. So whenever we'd go to parties and
you know, they'd have the whole buffet style kind of
thing where you'd go serve yourself. Teddy would always come
serve me, right, and all her white friends that were
married wouldn't do that for their husbands, right. So Teddy's
like the only white girl right there serving serving me
and she brings me my plate, right, and all all

(33:27):
her friends would make fun of her because like, Teddy,
you're making us look bad. You're serving your husband and
we don't serve our husband. But I think it was
just you know, something that she started doing because she'd
see my mom do it all the time, and she
just yeah, So now I'm just not very good at
serving myself. Like whenever I do try to serve myself,
I like mess up the whole freaking dinner table. And

(33:50):
so anyway, it's like even when we go to a party,
that's I'm like, hey, Teddy, can you serve me? Because
I don't want to mess up the you know, they
have everything on nicely sput out, and here I come,
I start throwing everything all over the place. So but
I just got used to that from being a mama's boy.
Didn't serve myself.

Speaker 1 (34:07):
It's and that will go that will give her so
many brownie points, simple things like that. Little simple things
like that. And as long as she doesn't have you know,
her friends mocking her or telling her, what are you
a slave? You know, so just people are haters for us,
My wife is words of affirmation as well. But I

(34:29):
also think she's an acts of service, so I have.
What I know makes her happy is when I talk
to her and tell her how great she's doing, and
you know, and put her up on a pedestal. And
obviously when I do shit around the house or especially
in the big Bear house, when we're putting things together
or you know, upgrading this or doing that. She loves

(34:49):
me doing stuff like that, And personally, I am the
only thing for me for for the love language that's
really the most prominent is the physical touch. And I
don't know what it is, but I didn't have, you know,
obviously parents growing up telling me and doing things for me.

(35:13):
In fact, for the first thirty years of my life,
it was all about taking care of myself, you know,
and doing my own laundry, cleaning my own house and
doing all these things for myself that in my relationships
the girls were like, well let me do it, you know. No,
even when I married Tarma, and she's and I had.
I got to a point where I had a house
cleaner doing all the house cleaning, and then of course

(35:35):
my laundry, and my wife's like, uh uh, I am
not going to have some other woman washing your underwear.
I'm like, it's just underwear. I don't do my laundry anymore,
you know. And I was, and it got to the
point where now she wants to do my laundry because
she doesn't want another woman to do my laundry.

Speaker 2 (35:51):
They're gonna smell your underwear or what are they gonna do.

Speaker 1 (35:53):
I don't know, I don't know. It might be one
of those power trip things like you know, why is
another woman taking care of my man? Thing? Right? Because
now we're back at the point where I actually prefer
doing my own laundry because I have a whole system
and it's just easy and efficient, and it's one of
those things like Tamera does one or two loads, maybe

(36:15):
one load every day, and you know, so she kind
of rotates and is doing laundry three or four days
a week, unless she's super busy, then she can she
takes all day one day to do her laundry. I
like to just get it all done in one day.
It's either Saturday or Sunday. I put it in, it's
all organized, it comes out organized, it's easy to put away,
and I'm done, right Versus I just put this load

(36:39):
in and I where's the matching sock. Oh, it's in
the next load that's going to go in tomorrow. Like
it drives me nuts. So yeah, I think for me
is physical touch. And if I was to pick a
second one that is my love language, it's probably quality time.
I've really have valued my time now that I'm in

(37:02):
my fifties, and I want to spend it with quality
people doing quality things that you know, bring bring joy
to us and and in the family. Right, So when
we go to these you know events that we just
went to one recently in La for Bravo and it
was at a bar. I mean, it's just it was stupid,

(37:24):
but you know, we kind of have to do it
because it's part of the business. But it's not quality time.
And for us it's it's sort of like I don't
want to go, bab, but she wanted me to go
because she doesn't want to go by herself, Right, So
I have to look at it as somewhat of quality
time together. As much as I didn't want to do it,
and we we did end up actually spending some quality

(37:46):
time with Heather and Terry afterwards. We went to dinner
together and we spent some quality time with them, and
and they're and their boy and there and his friends
were there too. So those experiences are really what's important
to me. It's it's it's just physical touch. Obviously I
can only get that from my wife and my massage therapist.

Speaker 2 (38:05):
But is there a therapist a man or a female female?

Speaker 1 (38:11):
I could not have a guy touch me, Okay, I
mean good to know. I've had a good friend who
was an incredible massage therapist and he was also homosexual,
but he was he was married to one of my
best friends, and he was one of the most incredible therapists.
He knew everything about the body and how to really

(38:34):
help me with my pains, and I trusted him, you know,
like a brother. So he's the probably the only guy
that's ever worked on me. But I prefer females when
I go get massaged.

Speaker 2 (38:45):
Would Tamera allow you to have a hot a massage?
What do they called again?

Speaker 1 (38:52):
Massuse messus? I've never met one that's super hot, you
know what I mean, like, holy shit. So, I mean
she she's always questioning the massage thing, you know, like
what's going on? How can I always get massages? Right?
I'm good. I love it and it fixed and I
need it. And I'm very physical and I have sore

(39:13):
muscles and sometimes really tight joints and tight you know body,
And for me, honestly, it just brings It makes me
feel good that, you know, I'm being touched now. I'm
not being touched in a sexual, sensual loving way, not
like the way I want my wife to touch me,
but I'm being it's the therapy of massaging the sore

(39:37):
muscles or the pain, and sometimes it's fucking painful, you know.
I have a therapist that is also incredible, and she's Romanian,
super strong, and she just knows her shit and she
goes in there and she it's freaking painful sometimes, and
I feel good afterwards because she gets rid of the

(39:58):
pain area, not just the but the whole pain area.
And even my wife has had her work on her
and she's like, oh my god, how do you deal
with that? It's painful the whole time. I'm like, that's
the kind of massage I like, not the pain most
full massage, but the massage is actually doing something. I
don't go get massage where they're just you know, the

(40:18):
sweetest massage which is just touching my skin and putting
rocks on my body or you know, none of that.
I don't like that. I like the athletic performance enhancement,
you know, the physical massages, and I like going to
time massage just because they stretch you, right, Oh, it's
pretty awesome. They stretch the hell out of you. They

(40:40):
turn you into a pretzol, especially for flexible and obviously
they have their own thigh technique too. So for me,
it's really the therapy that makes me feel good. And
obviously there's touching involved in the physical touch. So that's
kind of where I sense, you know, the physical touch.
Plus I'm a very physical touching kind of guy. Like

(41:00):
I touch my wife all the time, and she loves it.
Not always, you know, because she's not a physical touch
kind of person with her love language. But you know,
I hug my friends, I hug everybody.

Speaker 2 (41:12):
You know.

Speaker 1 (41:12):
I'm just that kind of person.

Speaker 2 (41:13):
I'm too.

Speaker 1 (41:14):
That's how we exchange energy when I shake somebody's hand,
I feel a lot of energy coming through, and it's
sometimes it's not great. Most of the time, you get
a sense of who you're talking to, right or who
you're meeting right right. So it's important for me to
touch somebody, even if I put my hand on the shoulder,

(41:35):
I just have a sense of the energy that I
get from that person, and that's that helps me understand
that person better. What about fighting styles, how do you? Yeah,

(41:56):
do you have a fighting style? When it comes to
well talked about that, you kind of shut down, right,
I shut down?

Speaker 2 (42:03):
Yeah, Yeah, I mean I think, Yeah, I think, I mean,
I think fighting styles. I mean, I mean, I call
it a superpower. I could be very encouraging, but I
could also I mean, if I wanted to, I could
really shoot you down, right. Yeah. So yeah, that's not
where I like to go. But I guess if that's

(42:24):
a fighting style for me, I know what words to
get you, you know, But that's definitely try not to
go there.

Speaker 1 (42:31):
You have to be pushed into a corner, right, yeah
before you.

Speaker 2 (42:36):
I'm usually the opposite. I'm usually like, I think one
of my superpowers is probably I'm very good at encouraging people.

Speaker 1 (42:43):
Yeah, yeah, And trying to diffuse the situation.

Speaker 2 (42:48):
Yeah, that also could be a bad thing if you
get pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed,
you could use it for the other side, you know.
But yeah, but I've definitely never been an aggressive person ever. Like,
it's just it. It would take a lot to get
me pissed off.

Speaker 1 (43:06):
I I'm the same way. And the thing I always
chalked it up to was always, you know, when I
ride my bike, my road bike, I've done that for
since I was in high school. Every single time I
ride it, and I clear my head and I just
obviously the endorphins and the hormones that go through that,

(43:28):
I feel at peace with myself so much that you
can burn the house down, you can crash the car,
you can take anything you want. Nothing, absolutely nothing bothers me.

Speaker 2 (43:40):
So that's a great point about It's one of the
reasons I love to work out in the mornings because
no matter what comes after that workout, like, I'm calm
because your muscles are relaxed, You're relaxed, and it's it's
one of the ways you can take on a lot
of resistance. Is that is the working out, because man, yeah,

(44:01):
There's always going to be stuff that comes up and
you need to be sort of relaxed, and the workouts
do that for me every morning. That's why I'm like
every morning, I got to have some people take pills.
I work out, you know, I hit the the treadmill
of the bike, you know, something to just kind of
get me relaxed. You know.

Speaker 1 (44:20):
I think you're right. I think that is our superpower.
I think that's what's helped me be calm and collected
and be able to handle most situations that you know
that I that I'm faced with, you know, whatever that is.
You know, I haven't faced a death in the family.
You know, I just haven't experienced that. But those are

(44:46):
the moments where you know you need to be able
to handle life, and you have the option. You can
go and get drunk and take drugs and ruin your life,
or you can go exercise and you know, take care
of your health and clear your mind and kind of
manage your perspective on what happened just now right and

(45:07):
handle the situation better. I mean, if I was to
give any advice on you know, how to handle fighting
or communicating or you know, with the spouse, I think
exercising before. I mean, you can't predict when you're going
to fight, but if you can exercise on a regular basis,
you're going to be pretty calm and you could definitely

(45:28):
handle situations better. But also on top of that learning
how to fight, which I learned recently, includes learning how
to communicate. And when it comes to communicating, is what
I mean is you understand exactly what I'm saying, and
I understand exactly what you're saying. I'm not just hearing you,

(45:51):
I'm not just letting you talk, you know, but really
just understanding each other. That takes a while because there's
so many different styles of fighting and communicating and languages,
you know what I mean. Like, for example, take a
person who and this is not to put people down

(46:12):
that didn't go to college, but let's say somebody that
didn't go to college, they don't have as huge a
vocabulary as a physician or even worse yet, a lawyer.
Lawyers have like a thousand words that they have to learn.
Right when you fight with the lawyer, you're learning new
vocabulary because they throw at you. You know, a whole
book of the Dictionary of Law that they they learn

(46:35):
in college and you're like, I don't understand anything you
just said, all these big words you just said, So
we're not going to get anywhere, right, That's why you
have to have a lawyer fight with another lawyer and
maybe they'll communicate and actually get shit done. But to me,
communicating is really actually understanding what the words I'm saying
and meaning behind them, and you understanding what I said.

(46:59):
Because there's different ways I can communicate the same message,
and if if I have to, I will try. You know.
That's why sometimes people say the same shit five different ways,
right when you're talking to them.

Speaker 2 (47:13):
Tonality, yeah, total, you will make a big difference.

Speaker 1 (47:16):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (47:19):
I mean I think it comes down to you being
happy with yourself, right. I think if if you really
think we're a fight starts with someone's not happy with themselves, right,
And the more toxic stuff you have inside, the more
that's gonna come out. Right. You can't transfer something that
you're experiencing. So if you're experiencing nothing but toxic inside

(47:41):
of you, because that's all you're consuming, and eventually you're
going to unleash that to the person you love, right,
So I think you know again, it's it's It's why
I think it's important to take care of yourself first. Right.
For me, I get up, I do a gratitude exercise,
I read scripture, I go to the gym. Those three
things right off the bat put me in a pretty

(48:04):
good mood. Right. That makes me feel good about myself. Now,
I could transfer love out right, But if you're not
feeling great about yourself, you're gonna constantly want to attack people. Right.
So you know, a big part of communicating communicating the
right way is you got to you gotta get right

(48:25):
with yourself. Right. So it's while I'm such a big
fan of personal development rights, it's that self awareness is
so key because you can't change something you're unaware of.
You can't improve on something you're not aware of. But
the minute you start becoming aware of things, then you

(48:46):
can actually improve on them. Problem is, most people aren't
even aware that they're doing that. Like most people don't
even aware that they get triggered and then they start
saying all this stuff that they don't even realize they're
It's just like people that cuss all the time, right,
they have no idea they're cussing all the time. They
have no idea that every other word that's coming out

(49:07):
of their mouth is an F word. Right. They're not
even purposely saying F they're just it's a habit, right,
So it's how do you stop that habit is by
becoming aware of it, right.

Speaker 1 (49:19):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (49:20):
So, and that's my thought on it.

Speaker 1 (49:23):
And if there's people around you kind of making a
point of it, that's another way to be aware of it.

Speaker 2 (49:28):
Right. And you are who you associate with, right, So
you start associating with your people that are all they
like is talking crap. All they like is starting rumors,
like that's exactly what you're going to be like, right. So,
now our parents are right. You are who you associate with.
So you start associating you want to change. You start
associating with people that are like the people you want

(49:49):
to be, right, Because if you start hanging out with
people that are not about gossip, you're not going to
want a gossip in front of them because they'll put you.
They'll immediately tell you, hey, this person's not here, man,
I want to talk about them like that, right, right,
And then all of a sudden you're like, oh shit, yeah,
these people don't roll like that. Yeah, So and then
start changing right, So yeah, that's huge too.

Speaker 1 (50:12):
Yeah, and that's interesting because that that puts her girls
in a predicament. You know, they're in a career where
they have to analyze all the shit talking, and it's
almost inevitable that they're going to talk shit, you know,
on their show. And part of that point I'm trying
to make is like when they come home, are they

(50:34):
able to shut it off or do they you know,
when when they have friends over and you hear them talking,
are they talking like the show?

Speaker 2 (50:43):
Right, Well, we had an argument, Teddy and I had
an argument not too long ago. Or I had to
like tell her, hey, I think this is a you problem.
Like I'm fine, Like don't like, I think you've been
watching too much like crazy stuff. You need to start
working on yourself a little bit, because I think this
is a you problem, like she was making it seem

(51:05):
like I was. I'm like, I'm happy. I don't know
what you're talking about. I'm stop telling me I'm not happy.
Don't tell me I'm not happy. I'm actually very happy.
I said, if you feel like that, that's on you,
But don't try to push that on me just because
you're not feeling good. You know, and we we had
a good discussion around that, and I think she agreed

(51:25):
with me. We'll see what she says to it, but
I think she agreed with me, and it was right.
It's like, dude, you gotta in the mornings, you got
to you gotta work on yourself because if all you're
doing is watching Da Da Da Dad, Like, eventually, that's
going to get in your heart and that's gonna, you know, come.

Speaker 1 (51:42):
Out, that's gonna spread spread if you're not only into
your relationships and all that. Yeah, No, I've seen a
difference now that the show's on. My life's a little
bit more on edge. And that's what I was referring
to earlier about Okay, you know, maybe I don't want
to bring it up right now because I know this
little thing is going to blow up because she is

(52:03):
so pissed off about something else. Right. It's like sometimes
it is about timing so and knowing your spouse, and yeah,
fighting and communicating is a very complex thing and it's
not something that I think is learned overnight, and certainly
not something you can learn in school. I think it's
something that you acquire with your partner and learn as

(52:26):
you go you know, and you're going to make mistakes,
and hopefully you can get past those mistakes, you know,
with your spouse, if you really are truly in love,
I think you can get past those things. But yeah,
it's tough. It's a tough subject communicating, fighting and getting
to the other side with a partner or anybody for

(52:48):
that matter. I mean, and business is different. You know,
business is pretty black and white. It's not emotional. It's
like we either got the deal or we don't have
the deal. But in personal, you know, I want to
stay married for the rest of my life, and I
want to be in love with this woman for the
rest of my life, and I have to do whatever
it takes to continue making it happen.

Speaker 2 (53:10):
Right, At the end of the day, people just want
to They want to feel like they're being seen. They
want to feel like you care about them. They want
to feel like they belong. Yeah, and if you can
do those three things, whether it's personal, whether it's business like.
But a lot of times, if you think about it, right,
if you're just shut off and you don't want to
hear them out, yeah, it shows them you don't care.

(53:33):
So now they get more upset. Right, But carrying serving
all that good stuff is a good way to start.

Speaker 1 (53:38):
Yeah, I mean it goes deep. It goes deep into
really getting to know yourself, to understand, you know, your
your good ways of communicating and your bad ways of communicating.
Because I have my ways that are you know, not
necessarily the greatest. And it could be just described as yelling.

(54:00):
Right when I start getting like accused of stuff or
or putting in a corner or you know, words get
put in my mouth, I tend to get upset and
I tend to raise my voice. And I say this
because there's there's been certain conversations I've had with my
wife like you don't have to raise your voice. I'm
right here, and I'm like, well, it's frustrating that you're

(54:23):
not listening to the word I'm saying. Right.

Speaker 2 (54:28):
It always comes down with, you know, when you're going
to get in a fight, though, now that I think
about it, it really comes down to when you're fighting
and you're in that moment, it's like, for whatever reason,
you want to hurt the person, right, So yeah, sometimes
it's like, all right, I know what to say to
hurt them. Or sometimes you're like, I know money hurts them.
So I'm gonna take the money away, all right, that

(54:49):
four hundred bucks. I gave you that two hundred bucks,
like I think of a child, right like, all right,
that's it. I'm not paying for this, this, this, this, Yeah,
you know you immediately want to take the money whatever
it is. It's gonna hurt them, right, I'm taking your
fortnite away.

Speaker 1 (55:04):
Or get a reaction, You get a reaction to, you know,
piss them off, right, yeah, yeah, And that's part of fighting.
I think that's that's one of the normal things about
you know, communication and fighting. I think it happens to everybody,
Like especially if you call somebody out on their bullshit
and they get defensive, they will come swinging with stupid

(55:27):
bullshit like that, right, instead of just saying, yeah, you're right,
I am an idiot. I shouldn't have done that and
you know you're right. Great talking to you brother, likewise, Yeah,
I think this is very productive and until next time,
Until next time,