December 19, 2023 • 61 mins
As a devoted wife and mother, ShaRonda Calderon knew the importance of family. When her husband, police deputy Omar Calderon began to struggle from the weight of his job, she became hyper-focused on getting him help. Then the unthinkable happened.
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Facebook: @sharonda.youngcalderon.3
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Good Stuff. I'm Jacob Schick and I'm
joined by my co host and wife, Ashley Shick.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Jake is a third generation combat Marine and I'm a
gold Star granddaughter. We work together to serve military veterans,
first responders, frontline healthcare workers, and their families with mental
and emotional wellness through traditional and non traditional therapy. At
One Tribe Foundation, we.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Believe everyone has a story to tell, not only about
the peaks, but also the valleys they've been through to
get them to where they are today.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Each week, we invite a guest to tell us their story,
to share with us the lessons they've learned that shaped
who they are and what they're doing to pay it
forward and give back.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Our mission with this show is to dig deep into
our guest's journey so that we can celebrate the hope
and inspiration their story has to offer.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
We're thrilled you're joining us again.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Welcome to the Good Stuff.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Our guest today is Sharonda Calderon. She's a mother business woman,
board member, and she is a widow.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Sharanda is here today to tell us the story of
losing her late husband, Dallas Sheriff's Deputy Omar Calderon when
he took his own life. Her story is about the
devastating effects of suicide and the grit and determination it
took for her to keep pushing forward in spite of
the pain.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
This conversation is raw and real, and Shronda is such
a huge advocate, both personally and professionally for mental wellness
and getting the help we all need at times.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Like the two of us, Sharanda knows the healing power
of being open and honest and telling your story.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
We are so excited today to be joined by Sharonda Calderon.
Thank you so much for being here with us on
the good stuff.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Thank you for having me of course.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Now, we met you through actually One Tribe Foundation, through
our Watch program, which is an acronym because everything in
the military and law enforcement seems like is an acronym.
We are the children of Heroes, and we actually met
you through that organization. We're just so thrilled to have
you here because we've gotten to know you over the
years and you're always such a positive light and every
(02:07):
time we see you, you just make us smile, You
just make us happy. Thank you, of course, So we
will get into how you even came to be part
of the tribe as we call it. So tell us
a little bit about your background here in Dallas, Texas.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Actually I've been Dallas. I met my husband here as well,
Deputy I'm a metal called that on and he was
an eighteen year veteran with the Dallas County Shares Apartment.
Fortunately he died by suicide. That was in twenty eighteen.
And from there, that's where I met you guys. I
remember losing everything on that day, a day after, well,
(02:45):
I will say a day after my husband's funeral. I
remember my little boy came into the room and he
said that he found the way that he could hug
his dad, but he didn't want to tell me, and
I had to encourage him to tell me. And that's
when he said, if I kill mysel So I was
broken and from there I didn't know what to do.
So I called our PCP and I was told that, well,
(03:08):
your insurance was canceled. My husband was found on a Friday,
and our insurance was canceled on a Saturday. At that time,
I was a stay at home mom. I didn't know
what to do. I was broken. I it's just a
whole just that feeling back then, just being numb, but
just full of pain. And I was I was given
(03:31):
up even then, but I didn't want to give up
on them. Someone had contacted me. It was almost like
a little secret sir. I don't know. I always say that.
It felt like like something off TV. I received a
phone call from someone. She left a message and I
was going to call her back maybe, But then there
(03:51):
was a deputy that worked with my husband and I
because we both worked the Shaff's apartment together, and he said, so,
I was going to call you. She's legit and asked
the phone. So I called her back and she said
what do you need? And I said, I don't know,
but I just need to give my children therapy. I
need insurance. That's all that I need for my kids.
And she said, call this number. I called the number
(04:15):
and it was amazing, Joaiquing. I'll always remember that name.
He answered the phone and he said we've been expecting
your call. And I was like, okay, and he said
can you come in? When can you come in? And
I came in. I brought my boys with me. Yes,
we did the assessment, you know, I guess the initial
conversations and then I said, but this is all that
(04:37):
I have money set aside, and I just want to
get I just want you guys to get my boy's therapy.
That's all. That's the reason why I'm here. And I
remember my therapist at the time, he said, no, we're
going to give you and the boy's therapy. And they said,
your money's not needed. You know, it's not wanted here.
So if it takes thirty days or thirty years, we
got you. Wow. And that was the day I feel
(04:59):
like we're gonna be okay, and my boys are gonna
be okay. That is actually my background of I got
to be a part of the tribe. That's right.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Oh, and such a huge part you are. It gives
me goosebumps just to hear that story because knowing that's
what we do, but just to hear what it meant
to you at that point in time in your life.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Take us back to the beginning. How did you and
Omar meet?
Speaker 3 (05:24):
Well, ironically, we actually met in high school. We didn't
know each other until later when we looked at a picture.
I went to this high school for health profession so
it was like health magnet. It was downtown and he
went to another school, although on the other side of town.
They were just coming by to just look at the
girls at the school. And I remember a guy that
(05:46):
he was on a it was a dark bus. He
was on the dart bus and he was like, can
I get your number? And I was like yeah. It
was like surprise, and he tried to come back, but
I had left. There was a picture of him in
the background because to my friends and we were all
taking pictures and there was a picture the background and
I found that picture years later and I was like,
oh my god, like, who was that back there? He
was like that's mean. He was like I remember that
(06:07):
day and he's like that was you and I was like, yeah,
that was me. Wow. Yeah. But when we, I guess
officially met it was at the Sheriff's apartment. Both of
us had started working there as correction officers. He had
to start there in order to be a deputy, so
you have to start there on the ground level. And
we met there and a year or so later we
were together.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Sparked, yeah, awesome, what made you want to go into
that line and profession?
Speaker 3 (06:32):
I actually went in. It was supposed to be for
an internship, so I needed internship hours. But I had
two boys already, so I couldn't afford to do internships.
So I went there for that and I was going
to take those hours and you know, transfer them over
just to keep going. It was in criminal justice, and
I was you know, you had to have those little hours.
Omar went in because he wanted to be become a deputy.
(06:53):
You know, it was either going to be that or
a nurse. He fit the mold for to be a deputy.
So that's actually how we ended up there. What was
he like? Oh my god, he was charismatic. He was
laid back. He didn't let a lot get to him,
you know, and everyone came to him. He was delightful
(07:15):
the party. He was very funny. He didn't meet a stranger.
Everyone like immediately love him. Now. He looked mean and
he was rough around the edges. He was he was,
I guess, you know, the ying to my yang. You know,
he was very rough around the edges. He would say
anything and I would say, oh, Mark, don't say that.
You know, that was the right thing to say, Yeah,
(07:36):
like why are you worried about what they say? You know?
That was that was That's who he was. He could
say no all the time, and I was the one
that would say yes all the time. So we balanced
each other out. So I would get him to say yes,
and he would say no for me, and we kind
of depended on each other for that. Well, he didn't
depend on me saying yes for him, but I kind
(07:57):
of depended on him just to say no. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
We joke about that all the time, that Jake brings
me back down to ground and I bring him up.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
To the clouds.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Sometimes it's it's that good match.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
So right, Yeah, I got it to that ability to
say no. It's such a huge thing.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Well was it like to spring your romance in that environment?
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (08:21):
It was difficult because I was always raised, you know,
never get your money where you get your honey, you know,
so you never do that. And I was against it,
and he would always pursue me and I would say no.
So we became friends. So we were like friends for
pretty much a whole year. He was like no, he said,
I had a game plan. I was in you. That's
what I was doing, playing that slow game. Yeah, And
(08:43):
I would say no, and he would always ask me,
are you going to be my girl? Like no, it's
like you're going to be my girl. No, And I
was like, no, I can no, I can't do that.
You know, I have to focus on my kids. I
was focused on school. I always had an excuse. And
then I remember one day he told me, and it
was a Wednesday, specifically, I would remember that it was
a Wednesday, and he said, you know what, I'm not
going to ask you anymore. He said, you're going to
(09:05):
keep shooting me down. He said, so, if you just
want us to be friends at work, then we'll just
be friends at work, he said, But I'm not going
to keep asking you.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
And then I was like, okay, let's do this and
that ladies and gentlemen, is called reverse psychology.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Yes, game, Yeah, that's awesome. That is awesome.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
And he definitely was lucky. Man. I mean, you were
an absolute catch. One of the things that we love
so much about you. Not only are you beautiful, but
you walk into a room and you can just feel
the energy level go up. You are one of those
people that are just truly magnetic. So good on him
for playing that role and closing the deal like that.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Yeah, I mean you are Actually it's right, and we've
expressed this to you you're a light. You know you
are a light.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
Thank you totally agree.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Tell us about when you and Omar finally did get together.
Now you had two boys.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Oh that those are his kids. And if you would
say stepdad, that is he would say the whole other
side him. And it was not pretty, really it was.
It was not pretty. That's all his kids. Yeah, that's awesome.
Those are his babies, his boys. I remember he brought
his partner was it wasn't his normal as usual partner,
but it was a partner, and he brought him by
(10:24):
the house and he said, yeah, my son, I want
you to meet my son. I have my son to
come out here. He need to, you know, bring my
credit card out here. I left it. The guy he said,
I see this six two six three tall black guy
walk out, and he's like, that's my baby boy, right,
there's baby. He was like, somebody should tell you something's
(10:44):
wrong there, but I'm not gonna say anything. Right. Oh
that's great.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Yeah, And then you but your family grew and you
were blessed with Omario.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
Yeah, in two thousand and six, I was blessed with Omari.
And then you know, it happened and he's like, yeah,
you know, that's my baby, and he was like my
baby boy. He used to call him Marian baby boy.
So for the longest A Marian thought his name was
a Marian baby boys. So somebody asked him, what's your name?
You say Marian baby boy? I love that?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
And how did your relationship and everything grow after Amaran
was born?
Speaker 3 (11:18):
It was always just us. Even from before a Marian,
it seemed like it was just Omar and the two
boy extra three boys because I raised my nephew as well,
so it was just the three boys, Omar and myself
and we did everything together, and A Marian was just
another piece of the puzzle that was always meant to
be there. Omar's legacy.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
He also alight, we love him, Todae.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Yeah, he's such a great kid.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
He really is.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
He's such a great kid. I mean, I love it
when you guys come to the game nights and you know,
when we're able to come, I look for him like
I see come out because I'm I just got a
hog got kid, you know, I just got to get
just a little bit. It's soul food.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
It is soul food to see both of you. Omarian
comes into your life and it's complete right and omar Meanwhile,
it's still working now as a deputy. Yes, tell us
about his journey through that and the pressures that come
with that job.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Well, he worked in a warranton execution from the time
he graduated deputy academy. Yeah, so he was there from
the beginning. Also, he's competitive with all of his arrests,
and he didn't want to be an FTO, but he
pretty much was one field training officers, sorry, a field
(12:37):
training officer. People wanted to work with him because he
was real calm and he would tell them what to do,
and he would tell them always the right thing. That's
the one thing that people said after he died that
he always taught me the right way and said, hey,
if you do it on your own, that's one thing,
but this is the way it's supposed to be done.
And he was always about business, like we can play later,
(12:57):
but it's about business with this. He was a great officer.
That was actually one of the things that attracted me
to him was his work ethics. He could get it
done and he was about business and he knew how
to separate it and he wasn't one of those that
liked to like lay back and not do the job. Yeah,
even as a police officer, there were people that would
(13:18):
tell me, hey, he would stop and give people gas
if they were on the side of the road. You
know that that was Omar, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
The servant's heart.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Yes, where did that come from?
Speaker 3 (13:28):
His dad was actually a police officer in Mexico, you know,
even in the army, So I think maybe that's where
he got it from. But out of all of his siblings,
he's the one that's always been about people, you know,
and helping people.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
And see why y'all were such a great pair. So
when did you feel a shift in him?
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Twenty sixteen exactly. That's when I noticed change when we
had the shooting. Yeah, he became a little more emotional then,
and he was a little more withdrawn. That's when we
actually start having problems at home, where he was everything.
I couldn't say anything because he felt I was attacking
(14:13):
him and we would go back and forth with that,
and I was at home. But the whole point of
me being at home to just stay at home mom.
I was supposed to, Okay, we're gonna let our son
make it to middle school. That I was going to
go back to work, and actually I had got hired
on through DPD and that was the police Department, and
I wanted to go back, and so we started arguing
(14:34):
a lot about that, like why do you want to go?
What's the rush? You know he has made it to
middle school yet, and I would tell him, you don't
know what it's like. Everyone is like doing everything and
I want to do that before I get too old.
So but I can do other things. And so that's
when the change started.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Then do you feel like he was protecting you?
Speaker 3 (14:53):
I know that he was protecting me, now, yeah, I
know it.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
I remember how just horrific that that night was the
Dallas five and how hard this not only this community,
but this country and those that felt it, Like I
can't imagine what he went through being right there so
close to it.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah, senseless, senseless acts of violence. And uh, it's crazy
because when I as asked that question and you said
without hesitation and with such conviction twenty sixteen, like you
didn't even hesitate, that goes to show from the people
listening that that is, you haven't forgotten anything, you haven't
(15:35):
suppressed anything. You've done a lot of work. I mean,
I know because we've been able to together. Yeah. I
mean we've been able to have you around for quite
some time. But it's to be able to know that
it's it's really no different than when people ask me, like, well,
when did you get hit and it's two thousand and four,
because it was very significant, it was an abrupt shift.
(15:56):
And when doctor Bessel vander Kolk talks about the issue
user and the tissues like it's there at the molecular
level and that's why this work is so important. And
continue to do the deep dives and the self discovered
journeys and the self healing and the healthy selfish and
like it's so vital because it never goes away. In
(16:20):
twenty sixteen, I mean that's almost not too long. That'll
be a decade. And then every year, especially here in
the DFW area, the Dallas five, when that anniversary comes up,
you know, I mean it's we make a big deal
of it, as we should on all those legacies. I mean,
it's a it's just such a thankless job, such a
(16:40):
thankless job that I can say no amount of money
could get me to do that job. Especially now.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Did y'all feel that in this climate of the everyone
hates cops or did y'all feel any of that.
Speaker 3 (16:53):
He did. I think it's because you know, we were
aware of it. I think there was a s but
we could feel the shift because we were aware because
you're always heighten all you know, you're trained, so you
know what's what's there sure, and when you see the
many protests and you see the shootings, and then you
(17:14):
feel it, especially with him being out there a little
more fearful of what could the possibilities of what could happen?
What if I don't come home see you all? What if?
And I remember him saying, you know, both of us
should be putting our lives on the line. And he's like, so,
why do you want to do this? He would always say,
why do you want to do this? What do you
have to prove? It was like the same thing that
(17:35):
you have to prove, you know, That was our argument,
But he was both of us shouldn't have to do this.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Definitely protecting you. Did he when he started to struggle?
Did he open up to you?
Speaker 3 (17:46):
I made him. That was another thing. I felt like
I was pushing him. But he told me actually the
day that he left that he thanked me for doing
all of that, So I knew a lot of what
he was going through. I know a lot of his
feelings because he would tell me, not because he would
do it on his own, it's because I would make
(18:06):
him tell me. So, yeah, that change in him, and
I made him go to the doctor. He didn't want
to go, but he really didn't have much a choice
to shut me up. He would go and I remember
because I feel like his tesoscerone levels were low. I said,
this is the problems, like low libido. You know, you're irritable,
You're this. I was like, you fit this, and we
(18:29):
need to go and get your disosterone levels. And I'm
a man, I don't need to what you're talking about esoscerone.
I'm fine. But eventually we went and they were extremely low.
But he was also diagnosed with bipolar two disorder, and
he said, I'm not crazy, but he didn't accept that.
He didn't want to, so I said, okay, well go
(18:51):
and get another opinion. By this time, he was still
getting the injections, and actually he was so terrified of
the injections. He would take a whole hour to put
this one needle in his thigh and I would tell
him I'll do it, and he was like I did
it one time, he said. He called my mom told
everybody I was trying to kill him because I just
(19:11):
shove the needle down. He was like, why would you
even do that? He was like, I don't want you
to do it. But he would take literally a whole
almost an hour because he had to take it every
like every Tuesday or Wednesday, I don't remember the exact day,
but he would sit there the needle. He was terrified
of it. So we went and got a second opinion
(19:32):
and they diagnosed him with major depressive disorder. And he said, see,
I told you, none of those doctors know what they're
talking about. It's all about money. This all the scams
about money. He was like, I'm just tired. Some people
when they're struggling, they have all they they'll turn to drinking,
they'll turn to I was.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Gonna ask like, did you see any self medicating behaviors
start to happen with him?
Speaker 3 (19:57):
He did, but he did it with work.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Yeah, that's which is I think. I'm glad you bring
that up. It's very important, is that there's lots of
ways to self medicate outside of drugs and alcohol. You know,
you can do it with your work. You can do
it to the gym, you can do with church, your religion.
There's lots of ways. And look the Lota sash stuff
(20:19):
people need, like men need to understand. It's just like
it's normal with aging, right, And it's just like every day,
every morning I wake up, I have to put on
a leg to go use the bathroom. It's a tool,
it's just part of it. And if there's ways to
(20:39):
counteract that. It doesn't mean there's something like, oh, there's
something wrong with me. No, it means that you're aging
like the rest of the world. That's what that means.
There's nothing wrong with that. It just happens. And the
same with being diagnosed with major depressive disorder or bipolar two.
I'm not crazy, that's not what that means. Doesn't mean
(21:00):
you're crazy. It just means you need a little adjustment
and some chemicals that your body naturally produces. That's all
it means, you know. And I think that's why, especially
in the law enforcement community and first sponder community, that
they just turn their head from it because of all
the stigmatization, all the labeling. They need help with empowerment,
(21:25):
the courage you have to not only walk in this
place today to do this stuff. But all the time.
I mean now, I mean you're here a lot though,
you know, you bring omar in and you guys, you're
very involved, and that's a scary thing. It's a hard thing.
Just like every morning I get up and I put
my leg on, like that's a daily reminder of a
(21:46):
significant tragedy that happened in my life. Right Well, every
time you walk in these doors, same thing. There's a
reason you're here, and you face it and you do
it anyway. That's courage. That's the epitome of courage.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
Actually, that's what I felt in the very beginning. We're
coming here and my boys, that was the thing they
the older ones didn't really want and a Mariin he
wanted to. I think they were all doing it in
the beginning, just for me. Yeah, And it was a reminder.
That's when Martin said, it's a reminders, but it's a
reminder all day, every day that your dad is gone.
(22:23):
But I felt that exact way that it was a
reminder until it became okay, that's that's a place of
healing for me.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
And then one of the questions that has posed a
lot and I know you've heard it. What would Omar want?
Speaker 3 (22:40):
Yeah, he would want to He wanted me right here.
And I will tell you it's funny that you say that.
Because I had so much guilt, I blamed myself for
his death. Of course, I used to say that I
was the murderer. I would call myself. I said, I'm
the murderer. I just didn't use my hands. But I'm
the reason why he's gone. Why because when he he
attempted in twenty seventeen, and maybe a week or two
(23:04):
before that time, it was like it was around fair
time and he was so sad, and I was telling him, hey,
if you don't get this together, and if you don't
take care of yourself, we're going to have to split up,
trying to do a little tough love. I wasn't going anywhere,
and he had told me that he was thinking about
(23:25):
like taking his life. In the house, he said, you know,
I was looking around and thinking, you know, maybe I
could do this, And then he said then I thought no,
I wouldn't want you all to find me. And the
next morning when he left, I asked him, I said,
when you come home, can we talk about it? And
it was almost like he was relieved a little bit.
So I asked him, if you were going to take
(23:46):
your life, what would you do? And he said, I'll
go down south, which within Warrens they knew every little
nick and cranny everything everywhere, he said, So, which would
be like tor Waco and all? He said, I would
go down south, he said, and I would find a
little spot in there and I would do it there.
And I told him myself, but then we would never
find you. Then, how do you think that would make
(24:07):
us feel? If we never found you? But he was spiraling.
I had called him, actually had my son to call him.
He didn't answer the phone, and he wants some splend
of text messages. So I had my nephew to call
the office and see, you know, was he there? So
maybe he has training? And they was like, no, he
called in. He never called into work, so I knew
(24:28):
something was up. So I called lieutenant and I said, hey,
I'm gonna be full of transparent with you. We're having
some family issues and I'm worried about him. I didn't
have to go into details. I didn't have to say anything.
He said okay, and he said, yeah, you're right. He
hasn't been looking right, you know. Someone else said they
noticed that he looked a little different. So that day
they put a bolo out on him, which is to
(24:49):
be on the lookout. And that was a one long,
hard night and they had a car that was parked
in front of our house. Everyone was looking, every agency
was looking for him. Well, he called me, and it
was on Thursday morning. He actually called, so we were
able to ping his phone and I was keeping him
on the line and I told him he said, can
(25:11):
I come home? He sounded like a baby and I
was like, yeah, you can come home. And he was like,
really it was not him and I said, yes, baby,
please come home. I was like we all love you.
And he was like I'm sorry and I said no,
just come home, and he said, there's a squad car
behind me. So by this time, my nephew had called
the department to say hey, I'm on the phone with them,
(25:31):
but they had already paying design and I didn't know
that he was speeding. So the lieutenant was telling me
while I'm talking to him, it's like, tell him to
slow down. And I said, you know, Omar, I said,
you know, are you speeding? He was like I'm trying
to get away from them. It was like he forgot
that he was a police officer. He said, there's another one.
He said, So I'm going to drive over here and
(25:52):
I said, oh, my warrior weapons. He said, they're on
the ground. I said, baby, please don't pick them up.
Leave them there. And I said, said, it's because I
love you. He said, there's another officer. I said it's
because I love you. And I just kept saying it
to him, and he said, oh, there's another squad right
over here. I said, it's because I love you. And
that's all that I would say to him because I
want him to just to know that. And he said,
(26:13):
but did you call them? I said it's because I
love you. I never told him yes or no. I
said it's because I love you. So he said I'm
going to pull over. I said pull over, I said,
and don't pick up anything. He said, okay, I'm not.
And so that was Christmas because they got him, you know.
And actually there was even an article where you could
see or a car was stopped on the side of
the road when traffic was down. The sheriff's apartment was
(26:34):
right there. Even the little Waco or of course account
of police, they were there, and he told me that
the officer then told him the sergeant that was on duty.
He said, thank you for not messing up my boys,
because they didn't know if he was going to suicide
by copper or what. They took him to Green Oaks.
I was so happy to see him, you know that,
(26:55):
And he was relieved. Ironically, he was relieved that people
knew the chief was there at the time. He saw me.
When I came, he was like, okay, I'm gonna let
you visit her, you know. But he was kind of
surprised because because they hadn't seen me in years, like, oh,
this is who you're married to, like okay, I remember
her now, like oh okay. And so he was relieved.
(27:18):
I saw that and the support that he received, like
he had the text messages where people were telling him,
you know, hey, cal you got this, and there was
a I mean a number of people calling and checking
on him where he didn't feel bad and they told him,
you know, your job is going to be here. Just
get the help that you need. So he was in
Green Oaks for maybe three or four days, and I
(27:40):
remember picking him up on a Monday and the sheriff. Well,
the sergeant called me and said, well, you need to
bring him in for a fit for duty. Well, I
actually called them to let them know that I picked
him up. He's home now, we're resting, so if anybody
wants to come and visit him, you guys can. She said, no,
he needs to get a fit for duty. You have
to bring him in and we'll bring you the paperwork.
They showed up an hour later, brought the paperwork and said,
(28:02):
make sure he goes to you know, so you can
come back to work. I said, I don't think we
need to do work right now. I need to because
we still had to find a psychiatrist. He still had
to find all the you know so I can get
him in therapy. They assigned him medications. They told him,
you can't take medication. If you want to come back
to the job, you can't take any medications. We were
(28:23):
there all day because he wasn't ready. And even the
psych at the time said she gave him a hard
time because she even interviewed me and she had him
a really hard time. It's like he just got out
of the hospital. I called the sergeant and I asked,
can you just give us at least three weeks. Just
give us three weeks to get him a doctor, because
(28:44):
this is all that we have. He has to have
a doctor, he has to receive therapy. I'm going to
say maybe three to four weeks. That was it, you know, like, hey,
we're short and you need to come back. Cant of
the doctor said that truth, you can be released, you
have to come back. They switched the shift when he
came back, so he was on day shift and he said, well,
the therapy that my wife set up for me and
my doctors, you know, I go in the evening and
(29:08):
they said, well, you know, you can burn your time.
So when he got on shift, they said, we're short,
so you couldn't burn your time. So and I remember
him saying, you know, like if it, what's the point,
you know? And he did well. When Omar was at work,
he was functional. He was perfect. So that's why no
one saw it. But when he was in the hospital
(29:28):
they diagnosed him with post traumatic stress. That's when he
was diagnosed with that, and then in his mind he
felt like, oh, this is a death sentence, like nobody's
going to want to work with me. I'm a liability.
And I was telling him no, you know, people can
live with this, and he was like, no, the guys know,
even though the county doctor knew what he was diagnosed with,
but they told him you can't take medication. He couldn't
(29:49):
go to therapy. They actually gave him a hard time
when he was at work. And that's why I tell
people be careful the things that you say, because he
overheard someone calling him crazy and he was already beating
him himself up right. But everybody liked him steal, but
he always felt like some they're looking at me, they're
looking at me different. But he did well, but I
felt I saw him struggling. Actually started spiraling in twenty eighteen.
(30:12):
March of twenty eighteen is when he started spiraling again.
And that's when I started reaching out to his partner.
I said, okay, y'all, I need help because he's not okay,
He's not okay. I woke up to him in the
corner on the floor brying. He's never cried like that,
and I remember getting out of the bed and I
was like, oh, are you okay? And he was like,
(30:35):
I'm effed up and he said, you know, my brain,
he said, my brain is lept up and you don't
deserve this. He said, I put you through too much
and I said no, he didn't. We're going to be okay,
you know, And I told him. He said I'm scared
and I said what he's scared of? And he said,
I'm scared that I can't fight forever. I said no.
I told him. I said, we're going to fight this, Omar,
We're fighting. We're going to fight this. And then I
remember when he did.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
In June.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
He was on a it was on a two say night,
well actually before he went to work. He was he
laid around a little bit longer than he normally laid around.
He was he could tell you suppressed And I asked him.
I said, ohmer, and now I've learned the power the
things of what not to say. But I said, ohm, A,
you're not going to hurt yourself or anything like, are you?
That was not okay to say it like that. And
(31:18):
he was like, no, I'm not going to And he
said that. I think he thanked me. He said, I
thank you for you know, a riding my ass. He said,
I thank you for that. He said, you loved me,
he said, and I don't deserve that, he said, and
the boys in there. I don't deserve a love, he said,
this uniform. I don't deserve this uniform. It's I don't
deserve the wordish uniform. And then I was trying to
give him this tough love because by then we did
(31:40):
find another therapist for him to go to. He only
went to her once, but the therapists prior to that
we went to seemed like it made things worse for him.
But now I know he have to be culturally competent.
That makes a big difference.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Yeah, really important. People understand too. Yeah, and so he
therapists are. It's not a one size fits all.
Speaker 3 (32:00):
Yeah, yeah, not at all. I remember sitting there giving
him this look like okay, because he told me, he said,
you deserve better, and as long as I'm here, you
won't have it. And I wanted to take it like
he was being arrogant, because he was known to be
very arrogant, and I was like, whatever omar. But I
didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to
have that conversation before he went to work, and my mind,
(32:21):
I said, when he comes home, we're going to talk
about it. But he didn't give me that time, so
I remember hearing him in the garage, but he never
came in, and he was out there a little bit longer,
and so I went. That's when I saw that his
service weapons were gone and he was gone. He had
his phone. He made sure they couldn't pine his line anywhere.
He had his phone with instructions, you know, and his wallet.
(32:42):
I kept calling him. My son said, who you calling.
I said, I'm calling Omarin. He said his phone is
right here. So I knew then, you know, because I
saw the instructions, like this is for Marian. This is
a pin because I always forgot the pin to the
credit card. This is a pin number, and the title
of the cars, and the top dresser drawer. That's when
I called the apartment. I said, he's going to do
it this time, because he promised me he would never
put us through that again. I said, he's going to
(33:05):
do it. I need your help. They waited till the morning,
told me to file a missing person's report with a
mesquite pee, which is what I did. Then they came
out and they said, okay, we put a bolo out
for him, but I felt like no one was looking
for him. I called the chaplain. I called the lieutenant,
and I said, I don't think anyone's looking for him.
I said, it feels different, like no one's looking. Later on,
(33:27):
I found out that the sheriff had called off the
BOLO an hour after was dispatched, so no one was
looking for him.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (33:36):
And that was on a Wednesday. And Friday, I get
a knock on the door and I remember my oldest
son said, Mom, their police officers at the door, and
I said, don't let him in. I remember coming to
the door and they said can we come in? And
I said nope. Oh, Mark's coming home. Just tell me where,
he said. And it's like no, you know, because they
call me young. They say, no, young, we need to
(33:57):
come in, and I said, no, you can't come in.
So I remember my oldest son kind of moved me
back and they came in and they told me we
found him in the parking lot of the shriff's department.
You know, he's dead. So that whole time, he was
sitting in the parking lot, yeah, of the shriff's department,
of the shaff's apartment, yep. And then I had people
(34:20):
tell me later I saw your car there. I said, well,
you guys knew that. I was looking for him. Why
didn't anyone go over there? Why didn't anyone And then
getting the autopsy report, you know, later to say that, well,
the bullet never made it to his brain. He more
than likely just bled to death. And I don't know
how long it was like, I don't know, but it
(34:43):
was like he was there, and I said, I know
he was waiting for me. He knew that I was
going to get to him, and I was looking for him,
and that that was my whole mindset. He knew that
I was coming, and I couldn't have gotten to him
because it's behind secured you know, secured location, so one
still wouldn't have been able to get to him. That
he was there.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
And you know, now after a lot of work, a
lot ofsn't work. We don't have control the outcome. We
can want and wish as much as we want, we
don't have patrol the outcome between them and God. I
(35:24):
remember my very dear friend of mine retired as a
master gunnery starter from the Marine Corps, and he asked
me one time, he was like, how you doing, Jake?
I was like, the quinn essential answer that we give
each other. I'm good, bro like and usually that's the
that's enough, Like okay, cool, and it was like I'm good, bro,
(35:48):
you know, right at me, and he was like, hey,
after everything we've been through together, I would really appreciate
if I ask you something that you wouldn't look right
at my faith and lied to me. And I was like,
oh shit, how you doing? And I was like, I'm struggling.
Why are you struggling? You know? I started naming off
(36:11):
all the names, because when we first started this, it
was like almost to the month or months losing just
another one another, one another, one another one. And I
was like, I just don't understand. What am I not
doing enough of? What am I doing too much of?
(36:32):
What have we not tried? And he looked at me
and he said when did you become so important? Which,
of course my ears pinned back, and he said, before
you hit me, let me explain what I mean. He said, Jake,
the last time I checked, you weren't nulled.
Speaker 3 (36:52):
To a cross.
Speaker 1 (36:53):
I meant to suffer for three nights in three days.
He said, last time I checked, that wasn't you. He said,
So all that guilt and all that shame that you're
carrying has already been paid for. You're just not that important.
It was like a silver backed gorilla let go of
(37:13):
my soul because I was like, dude, you're right, you're right.
That re memory you told me that you didn't tie
that rope, you didn't load that weapon, you didn't pour
those pillows down the throat, and you didn't shoot that
needle in the arm like you didn't so on and
so forth, all the different methods, and it was like,
I remember how tragically relieving that was. It's the same
(37:40):
with your situations. And I know you've been told this.
I know because you've done all this work, but it's
so vital to do these constant little reminders of it's
out of my control. I'm just not that important. I
don't have to like it, but accept it. It's just
(38:03):
so important that people understand we don't have control of
the outcome.
Speaker 3 (38:08):
So what I have learned, and what I actually say
now is that who invited me to sit at the
table of God's I'm not that powerful, So I said, no,
one invited me to sit at that table. So I
don't control life and I don't control death. And I
had to learn that and that's what actually helped me.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
It's beautiful after everything that you've been through and going
through that entire process and still having to pick yourself
up by your bootstraps as we say in Texas and
move forward with three boys and a nephew. Where are
(38:49):
you today? Looking back since twenty eighteen to today? How
have you grown? How have you dug deep? How have
you decided to be a victor instead of a victim?
Knowing full well you still have your bad days, we
all do. You still have bad periods of life. But
where are you today?
Speaker 1 (39:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (39:08):
I'm still in the place of healing. And I learned
that healing is continuous, It's continual, it doesn't have an
E D on it. I've accepted and I love the
process because you have to trust it. The turning factor
even in my healing, because once again you know I'm here,
We're getting therapy. We had been receiving therapy for about
(39:28):
six months and I found myself suicidal. I like you said,
you didn't know. I didn't know that I was suicidal.
I had no idea, And I remember having the safety
plan here. You have a safety plan here, the people
to call. And it was on Thanksgiving the following Thanksgiving,
because Thanksgiving was our favorite. That was almost favorite holiday.
Speaker 1 (39:47):
You know.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
I didn't cook anything. It was just it was horrible.
So I remember going to I told the boys, I'm
going to go to the park and I said, just
make sure you turn the porch light on. I'll be back.
But I took the gun with me, but in my
mind I still did. It didn't register to me what
I was going to do. It just it didn't. And
(40:10):
I remember going to the park and I remember sitting
in the park and the park was full of people,
and I was so aggravated. I said, this is Thanksgiving.
Why are these people in this park. They should be
at home, they should be eating. Why are so many people?
I was upset, So.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Them people in this frigging park on Thanksgiving watching football.
Speaker 3 (40:32):
Yeah, And so I sat there and I felt that, Okay,
they're gonna think that I'm crazy sitting here in this park.
I said, So I'm going to call someone on just
on my list. So the first person I called was
my sister. She didn't answer the phone. And the next
person was my friend, and she was busy with Thanksgiving dinner.
So in my mind, I said, that's confirmation I don't
(40:54):
need to be here. It was proof. And I remember
as I sat there, there was another lady that that
I had just met this that same year, and I
called her and she put two and two together six
months after her husband. God, I don't Thanksgiving in a park,
So she talked to me, and we talked for about
an hour. But I still knew what I was going
to do. You know, I'm just waiting for them to
(41:16):
leave in the sun to go down. Then I'm going
to do it. And I remember screaming at God because
by this time he didn't exist to me, he wasn't real.
I was mad at him, and I told him, I said,
if you're real, I said, because I don't believe that
you are, you'll step in. And I screamed that and
I was crying. And by this time it's dark. I
(41:38):
was literally pulling the trigger and it was two little
kids that popped up in my window. It was pitch
dark over there. There wasn't a single light there.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (41:49):
Yeah, and their parents, I'm assuming they were their parents
behind them with a light on their phone, like just
walking through. And I remember crying because I said I
was going to ruin their lives because they would have
saw it. I said they would have saw everything, and
I cried and then I went to sleep, like right
there in the part. I went to sleep for a
few hours.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
And then when I woke up, that's crazy that release was. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (42:16):
Then I woke up and I went home. I took
the magazine out the gun and actually have I carry
the bullet with me everywhere I go. Wow, So I
have the bullet. And I went home and my little
boy and met me at the door. He didn't even
let me get into the house and he hugged me
and he said, Mom, if you do it, I'm going
to do it too. And he said thank you for
(42:37):
coming home. And we made a pinky promise, like right
there at the door. I said, okay, gonna stay. I said,
we're both gonna stay. And it's amazing how kids they know.
You think they don't know, but they know. He said,
you had the same eyes like my dad. And then
(42:58):
I think that was actually when I really started the
process of healing. I wanted to heal and dealing with
the guilt never went away, and the guilt stays, but
I learned that you can use it because I equate
guilt to it's a little bit of love there. So
(43:18):
it may never go away of me feeling like I
could have saved him, you know. And I learned that
even when you're saying things like if I had him known,
you're still blaming yourself. So I had to learn to
take the blame off of me, because, like you say, well,
with Omar wanted, he would have wanted me to live,
and he would have wanted me well yeah, not just live,
(43:39):
yeah live well yeah, And that's when I really started,
like really going within and dealing with sitting with the pain.
Before I was avoiding the pain. Sitting with the pain, man, I.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
Tell you right now that that part of it. It's
just sitting and being present in your own pain with
no outside chemicals, no anything. In the beginning, like I
would rather get stabbed by a band at in the
thigh it would be less painful, Like I will never
(44:21):
forget starting that. And it was like, no wonder, I
was drunk and high all the time.
Speaker 2 (44:28):
This sucks having to deal with it, having to sit
in it, but it is so.
Speaker 1 (44:36):
Vital to the process. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:39):
I remember when I went to my doctor and I
was diagnosed with PTSD, and I remember everything that Omar did.
I was doing the same exact things. I mean, like
reading a paragraph. I would tell him, you just read that,
why are you reading that?
Speaker 1 (44:56):
Over?
Speaker 3 (44:56):
And I found myself having to read the paragraphs over
and over. I like, forgetting everything and doing these things
and accepting, Okay, well, if this is what I have,
it doesn't mean that it's not death. And that's why
I feel like maybe Omar kind of guided me to
one tribe. You know, I always felt that way.
Speaker 1 (45:16):
That just mean, I just want you to know. But
now I just had what I call it soul smile,
like I feel it in my gut, and that's just
what I had. I just want to share it. I did,
and I wanted to share it. Thank you.
Speaker 3 (45:31):
And the following Thanksgiving, I'm in a better place. I
actually went to volunteer at this church. There was a
guy there and we were outside taking a break. I
think I was there cutting turkeys and we were taking
a break and we just started casual conversations and we
were conversing and just like why are you here, and like,
you know, just volunteering, And he said, okay, but really,
(45:55):
why are you here? And I said, well, you know,
it's just just to you know, to get away and
just to help and you know, like a lot of
people here, you know, they don't want to deal with things,
you know, that's why he was talking. So I told him,
you know, I lost my husband a year prior to
this is just my way of giving back. And he
was asking me things and I was telling him, you know,
(46:17):
he had post traumatic stress, and you know, he died
by suicide. And I was telling him little details. He
was asking me. It's just certain questions I remember. He
told me. He said, I understand that your husband was
close and he told you everything, he said, but a
lot of the things that you're telling me, he said,
it feels a little different. He said, like you have
(46:37):
a little too much information. I said, no, we were
just really close. I didn't tell him, dare tell him
about myself because I still had that little bit of stigma.
And then he said, well what he's He said, what
did your husband call it? And I told him I said,
well he called it the fucked up place. Excuse me,
and he said, well, what do you call it? I
said the dark Hole. I didn't get it then, and
(46:58):
he said, I said the dark Hole? Said you know,
a little dark place, man, He said, it goes by
different names. He said, we all call a death a place,
you know, a little dark hole, you know. He gave
me a list of what everyone calls it. He said,
the problem with your husband was he said that no
one told him, because I told my husband got better.
I said, he was doing so much better. And then
he started going back down a little rabbit hole again.
(47:20):
He said, Well, he said, no one told your husband
was that he was going to see that place again,
and he should have came familiar with it. He said,
if you become familiar with it, you'll be able to
catch yourself before you hit the bottom. Yep, he said,
and no one told him that. He said. He felt
like he was a failure because he was feeling better
and then it was happening again, so he felt like
(47:42):
he was failing and it wasn't going to get any better.
He said, That's what they should have told him, he said,
and no one told him that. And I was taking
all of that in and then I asked him, I said, well,
what advice would you give? And he grabbed my hand.
He said, don't be ashamed of it.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (48:01):
I was like, you know, I wanted to be offended, like, no,
what are you talking about?
Speaker 1 (48:07):
How dare you. I don't feel any shame.
Speaker 3 (48:09):
And he told me, he said, we can identify each other.
He said, we all recognize each other. And he was military.
He said he was military. He said, just a few conversations,
a few words that you said, he said, I already knew,
he said, not to be ashamed of it. And I
remember getting back to therapy, like, oh my god, was
I get the therapist this? And I told my therapist
(48:31):
and he said, you've been in here close to two years,
he said, And I've been trying to get this through
to you, he said, but this one person says it
to you and you got it. That's always how it
goes over. And he said, you got it, And yeah,
I guess. I guess I do have it, you know.
And then that's when I learned that there is so
much power, transparency and healing in vulnerability. And after that
(48:56):
is when I had my first This organization had invited
me to go to like this Blue Help. There was
a dinner in Washington. I didn't want to go because
I felt like, you know, no, you know, that's I
don't think I'm ready for that. I'm ou thereist said, yeah,
well you should go, he said, because your funeral here
was this horrible because my husband's funeral was horrible. He
(49:17):
said you should go, and I went, and then from
there I met people there, and yes, I did have
an emotional breakdown, but I remember telling there was a
lady on the side of me and everyone seemed to
be so happy there, and everyone's dressed up and everyone's happy.
And I remember looking at her and I said, I'm struggling.
(49:37):
Those are the exact words, and she said me too.
And that was such a relief because everyone looked happy.
And I realized then that everyone is wearing a mask.
Everyone is wearing a mask because I was wearing a mask,
and that was like a little catalyst for me to
go a little bit further. And we've actually became pretty
much the best of friends through this journey. And so
(50:01):
and I got back. I told my therapist about that,
and after that, I remember the president of the organization said,
we want you to come and speak in Colorado, and
I was like, for what, you know, I can't do that.
And I talked to my therapist about it, and he said,
what's the worst thing that could happen? And I said,
I don't know. He said, what's the worst thing that
(50:22):
can happen. I said, well, I cry, he said, but
that's it.
Speaker 2 (50:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (50:29):
And once I was on the panel and I did cry,
but I guess I said enough of what needed to
have been said. And I still don't remember, but people
were coming up to me, and I remember as I
was leaving, I thought a tourum there was a guy
that was waiting for me to come out, and I
get Chields and I still think about that. He said,
(50:49):
I'm going to get the help that I didn't know
I needed.
Speaker 2 (50:51):
Wow, And I said, it touches just one person, and
I said, that was why I came exactly.
Speaker 1 (50:58):
That's it. And we don't always know the and we
don't always know the outcomes or the who we impact
or any of those things. And you, in particular, with
your story, it makes people feel safe to follow in
your vulnerability. I mean, that's a god thing. That's a gift, right,
(51:19):
and it came from a significant place of tragedy, but
it is a gift, make no mistake about that. And
I'm just not only proud of you, but I'm very
proud for you and the boys and all the work
you've done to be able to get to where you
are and continue to heal because, like you said, it
(51:41):
is a constant evolution. It is an everyday thing. It's
just like working out right, Like you, Well, I'm going
to go to the gym a few times and I
just expect to be in the best shape of my
life the rest of my life. Nope, that's not how
it works. Well, your brain, your soul, in your spirit
is the same way.
Speaker 3 (52:03):
I believe in being wrong because I remember when my
husband was going through everything and one person said I
know what you're going through, and he lit up a
little bit. So I always remember that. And when I
was struggling, I was looking for people that sounded like me,
that looked like me. They knew what I was going through.
And when I say looked like me, I mean on
(52:23):
the inside that pain. And I didn't want anyone to
sugarcoat it, because why, it's the reality. It's human. And
even with my little boy, I think the reason why
he's healed so much is because I made him stay
in reality, like this is the reality. Maybe because it's
my background. I didn't want him to have this whole
(52:43):
idea that it was going to be so much easier. No,
it's raw, it's hard. It's hard, but you can get
through it. You have to do the work. There isn't
any other way around it. So we try to avoid
the pain. No sit in it. It changes you, but
it doesn't have to change you in a bad way.
I was trying to be the person that I was
(53:05):
before oldmar died, and I think that's why I was
falling a lot. But that person died. Who I was
died with him. I'm a new person now and I
have to learn who she is. It's gonna take time,
but it's a journey still. So once I accept that
I'm not that same person, so much beauty can come.
(53:26):
Even after that, And even when I facilitate my groups,
I tell them, you know, we're not the same people.
We're not so when we try to do that, we're
trying to fit in a box that we no longer
belong in. We're new people, And it doesn't mean that
it's bad. It's actually beautiful because the pain that you
have you can share with other people because people need
(53:47):
a light too, People need a guide. I needed a guide.
So if I would have had someone to say it's
going to be hard instead of oh, you're going to
be Okay, you will be but no, it's it's going
to hurt. You're going to struggle, but you'll get through it,
because that's what we did. And before I felt like
(54:08):
I would never smile again, and when I did smile,
it was fake, and I used to hate myself because
I was like, I don't even want to go around
because I'm faking, you know, and I didn't recognize who
I was. But I can laugh now, I can smile now,
and it's real, and so I tell people it doesn't
feel like it, but it's a process. You just have
to trust that you have to go through the pain
(54:29):
and become familiar with it, because I've had times where
I've dropped and I was struggling, but I became familiar
with it, so I knew that I wasn't going to
hit the bottle because I became It sounds morbid, but
I became comfortable with that place, and I became comfortable
with it because I was able to give myself grace
(54:50):
to understand that I'm human. I'm going to fall and
I'm going to struggle, but I get back up because
that's life. I'll make it through this mountain, and there's
going to be another mountain, but at least this time,
I know for a fact it only takes one step.
So I just keep stepping and keep walking. I'll get there.
(55:12):
I'll get over that mountain. Then there's going to be
another mountain. I'll get over that too.
Speaker 2 (55:22):
You inspire me daily and you are such an incredible
light to this world. Thank you for being our guide
on this journey. I know this wasn't an easy conversation
to have, and so we are so truly grateful that
you were willing to come and be vulnerable and open up,
and thank you for doing the work and for inspiring
(55:42):
us all. Thank you for being on the good stuff.
Speaker 3 (55:45):
But leave started here. I tell everywhere I go, every
place that I speak, that's why I understand how important
it is to have competent and culturally competent therapists because
I lived it, so I know how important it is.
I tell everyone this was the beginning for me, because
(56:06):
if I didn't have this, I don't know if I
would even be here, or the quality of life that
I would have, if it would even be worth it,
if I didn't have you all and walking in and
not feeling the stigma, and you guys understanding. There was
(56:26):
something that you had said. Now my mind just went blame.
But it was on the interview and it was something
about you got it from some more was a dragon
or a beast or something that you said.
Speaker 1 (56:37):
Right, the dragon to change? Yeah, General Krulac, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (56:42):
Yeah, And I always remember that because that's really what
that's what it is. And when you would speak, you
were you humanized my old Mark. That's that's what I
used to say. You humanized my Omar because to me,
everyone else saw him as that he was just suicide.
(57:03):
He was a human that something happened to him. Life
happened to him, and that was the outcome of what
life was. But he didn't have the tools to stay here. Now,
I was blessed to have the tools in order to
say and just that the way you guys made me
feel that it wasn't anything to be shamed about. Everyone understood.
(57:26):
That took like a whole burden off of having to
try to pretend to be something else. I didn't have
to pretend. I didn't have to hide because everyone knew
what was going on, because someone was affected by it
and they knew someone And that made a big difference
in my healing. I would telling the people at the
other organization, I wish that everybody had this organization. I
(57:51):
wish because they asked me, how did you get where
you are? You seem so much stronger, And I was like,
I don't I never saw strength. I just said I'm
just here. But they were like, no, you seem so strong,
and how do I get to where you are?
Speaker 1 (58:03):
You know?
Speaker 3 (58:04):
So just take what I learned and give it to them.
But I wish that they all had this. I wish
that everyone could come here. You know, even when I
like officers that I would tell them, hey, you need
to go there, and because they'll listen, especially, they'll listen
to I think they listened to me more because yep,
(58:24):
I was my husband and because I was there, and
because of the environment, I think they talk to me more.
Like the guys actually will open up to me more.
Speaker 1 (58:32):
Yeah, unfortunately, and it's because of unfortunate credibility that you
now have. Yeah, and it shouldn't take that, But that's
driven by the stigma in the labeling and the stereotypes,
and it's driven by that, and that is a hard
mold to break. Man trying for over a decade still
a thing, you.
Speaker 2 (58:51):
Know, and it's the I'm just so glad that you're
there for them, that you are.
Speaker 1 (58:55):
Yeah, and look, make no mistake, I'm so grateful that
you found us too, And I'm fer Honda, you've done
the work right. We were just a conduit. That's it. Like,
we can't do the work for you. You have to
do that. Don't forget the vital task of giving yourself
(59:20):
credit where credit is due. Don't forget that because that's
super important too. It's okay to take a minute to
do the pad on the back and be like, hey,
you are pretty badass, Like that's okay, that's needed, right
because you've earned that. Talking about badges, we're that badge
(59:42):
with pride because you did the work. Nobody else did
it for you, and you still do the work.
Speaker 3 (59:49):
Yeah, I'm proud of myself as you should be.
Speaker 2 (59:53):
As you should be. Sharonda Calderon, thank you so much
for being part of the good stuff.
Speaker 3 (59:57):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:00:01):
We're so very grateful Shiranda had the strength encouraged to
share her story with us today. And we will continue
to speak O marcle Lron's name as we are all
the gatekeepers of his legacy.
Speaker 2 (01:00:11):
Never forgotten Thank you so much for listening. If this
episode touched you today, please share it and be part
of making someone else's day better.
Speaker 1 (01:00:19):
Put on your bad ass caves like Shiranda and go
be great today, and remember you can't do epic stuff
without epic people. Thank you for listening to the good Stuff.
The Good Stuff is executive produced by Ashley Schick, Jacob Schick,
Leah Pictures and q Code Media. Hosted by Ashley Shick
(01:00:40):
and Jacob Shick, Produced by Nick Cassilini and Ryan Countshouse
host production supervisor Will Tindi. Music editing by Will Haywood Smith,
edited by Mike Robinson,
Welcome to the Good Stuff. I'm Jacob Schick and I'm
joined by my co host and wife, Ashley Shick.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Jake is a third generation combat Marine and I'm a
gold Star granddaughter. We work together to serve military veterans,
first responders, frontline healthcare workers, and their families with mental
and emotional wellness through traditional and non traditional therapy. At
One Tribe Foundation, we.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Believe everyone has a story to tell, not only about
the peaks, but also the valleys they've been through to
get them to where they are today.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Each week, we invite a guest to tell us their story,
to share with us the lessons they've learned that shaped
who they are and what they're doing to pay it
forward and give back.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Our mission with this show is to dig deep into
our guest's journey so that we can celebrate the hope
and inspiration their story has to offer.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
We're thrilled you're joining us again.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Welcome to the Good Stuff.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Our guest today is Sharonda Calderon. She's a mother business woman,
board member, and she is a widow.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Sharanda is here today to tell us the story of
losing her late husband, Dallas Sheriff's Deputy Omar Calderon when
he took his own life. Her story is about the
devastating effects of suicide and the grit and determination it
took for her to keep pushing forward in spite of
the pain.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
This conversation is raw and real, and Shronda is such
a huge advocate, both personally and professionally for mental wellness
and getting the help we all need at times.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Like the two of us, Sharanda knows the healing power
of being open and honest and telling your story.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
We are so excited today to be joined by Sharonda Calderon.
Thank you so much for being here with us on
the good stuff.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Thank you for having me of course.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Now, we met you through actually One Tribe Foundation, through
our Watch program, which is an acronym because everything in
the military and law enforcement seems like is an acronym.
We are the children of Heroes, and we actually met
you through that organization. We're just so thrilled to have
you here because we've gotten to know you over the
years and you're always such a positive light and every
(02:07):
time we see you, you just make us smile, You
just make us happy. Thank you, of course, So we
will get into how you even came to be part
of the tribe as we call it. So tell us
a little bit about your background here in Dallas, Texas.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Actually I've been Dallas. I met my husband here as well,
Deputy I'm a metal called that on and he was
an eighteen year veteran with the Dallas County Shares Apartment.
Fortunately he died by suicide. That was in twenty eighteen.
And from there, that's where I met you guys. I
remember losing everything on that day, a day after, well,
(02:45):
I will say a day after my husband's funeral. I
remember my little boy came into the room and he
said that he found the way that he could hug
his dad, but he didn't want to tell me, and
I had to encourage him to tell me. And that's
when he said, if I kill mysel So I was
broken and from there I didn't know what to do.
So I called our PCP and I was told that, well,
(03:08):
your insurance was canceled. My husband was found on a Friday,
and our insurance was canceled on a Saturday. At that time,
I was a stay at home mom. I didn't know
what to do. I was broken. I it's just a
whole just that feeling back then, just being numb, but
just full of pain. And I was I was given
(03:31):
up even then, but I didn't want to give up
on them. Someone had contacted me. It was almost like
a little secret sir. I don't know. I always say that.
It felt like like something off TV. I received a
phone call from someone. She left a message and I
was going to call her back maybe, But then there
(03:51):
was a deputy that worked with my husband and I
because we both worked the Shaff's apartment together, and he said, so,
I was going to call you. She's legit and asked
the phone. So I called her back and she said
what do you need? And I said, I don't know,
but I just need to give my children therapy. I
need insurance. That's all that I need for my kids.
And she said, call this number. I called the number
(04:15):
and it was amazing, Joaiquing. I'll always remember that name.
He answered the phone and he said we've been expecting
your call. And I was like, okay, and he said
can you come in? When can you come in? And
I came in. I brought my boys with me. Yes,
we did the assessment, you know, I guess the initial
conversations and then I said, but this is all that
(04:37):
I have money set aside, and I just want to
get I just want you guys to get my boy's therapy.
That's all. That's the reason why I'm here. And I
remember my therapist at the time, he said, no, we're
going to give you and the boy's therapy. And they said,
your money's not needed. You know, it's not wanted here.
So if it takes thirty days or thirty years, we
got you. Wow. And that was the day I feel
(04:59):
like we're gonna be okay, and my boys are gonna
be okay. That is actually my background of I got
to be a part of the tribe. That's right.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Oh, and such a huge part you are. It gives
me goosebumps just to hear that story because knowing that's
what we do, but just to hear what it meant
to you at that point in time in your life.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Take us back to the beginning. How did you and
Omar meet?
Speaker 3 (05:24):
Well, ironically, we actually met in high school. We didn't
know each other until later when we looked at a picture.
I went to this high school for health profession so
it was like health magnet. It was downtown and he
went to another school, although on the other side of town.
They were just coming by to just look at the
girls at the school. And I remember a guy that
(05:46):
he was on a it was a dark bus. He
was on the dart bus and he was like, can
I get your number? And I was like yeah. It
was like surprise, and he tried to come back, but
I had left. There was a picture of him in
the background because to my friends and we were all
taking pictures and there was a picture the background and
I found that picture years later and I was like,
oh my god, like, who was that back there? He
was like that's mean. He was like I remember that
(06:07):
day and he's like that was you and I was like, yeah,
that was me. Wow. Yeah. But when we, I guess
officially met it was at the Sheriff's apartment. Both of
us had started working there as correction officers. He had
to start there in order to be a deputy, so
you have to start there on the ground level. And
we met there and a year or so later we
were together.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Sparked, yeah, awesome, what made you want to go into
that line and profession?
Speaker 3 (06:32):
I actually went in. It was supposed to be for
an internship, so I needed internship hours. But I had
two boys already, so I couldn't afford to do internships.
So I went there for that and I was going
to take those hours and you know, transfer them over
just to keep going. It was in criminal justice, and
I was you know, you had to have those little hours.
Omar went in because he wanted to be become a deputy.
(06:53):
You know, it was either going to be that or
a nurse. He fit the mold for to be a deputy.
So that's actually how we ended up there. What was
he like? Oh my god, he was charismatic. He was
laid back. He didn't let a lot get to him,
you know, and everyone came to him. He was delightful
(07:15):
the party. He was very funny. He didn't meet a stranger.
Everyone like immediately love him. Now. He looked mean and
he was rough around the edges. He was he was,
I guess, you know, the ying to my yang. You know,
he was very rough around the edges. He would say
anything and I would say, oh, Mark, don't say that.
You know, that was the right thing to say, Yeah,
(07:36):
like why are you worried about what they say? You know?
That was that was That's who he was. He could
say no all the time, and I was the one
that would say yes all the time. So we balanced
each other out. So I would get him to say yes,
and he would say no for me, and we kind
of depended on each other for that. Well, he didn't
depend on me saying yes for him, but I kind
(07:57):
of depended on him just to say no. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
We joke about that all the time, that Jake brings
me back down to ground and I bring him up.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
To the clouds.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Sometimes it's it's that good match.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
So right, Yeah, I got it to that ability to
say no. It's such a huge thing.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Well was it like to spring your romance in that environment?
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (08:21):
It was difficult because I was always raised, you know,
never get your money where you get your honey, you know,
so you never do that. And I was against it,
and he would always pursue me and I would say no.
So we became friends. So we were like friends for
pretty much a whole year. He was like no, he said,
I had a game plan. I was in you. That's
what I was doing, playing that slow game. Yeah, And
(08:43):
I would say no, and he would always ask me,
are you going to be my girl? Like no, it's
like you're going to be my girl. No, And I
was like, no, I can no, I can't do that.
You know, I have to focus on my kids. I
was focused on school. I always had an excuse. And
then I remember one day he told me, and it
was a Wednesday, specifically, I would remember that it was
a Wednesday, and he said, you know what, I'm not
going to ask you anymore. He said, you're going to
(09:05):
keep shooting me down. He said, so, if you just
want us to be friends at work, then we'll just
be friends at work, he said, But I'm not going
to keep asking you.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
And then I was like, okay, let's do this and
that ladies and gentlemen, is called reverse psychology.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Yes, game, Yeah, that's awesome. That is awesome.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
And he definitely was lucky. Man. I mean, you were
an absolute catch. One of the things that we love
so much about you. Not only are you beautiful, but
you walk into a room and you can just feel
the energy level go up. You are one of those
people that are just truly magnetic. So good on him
for playing that role and closing the deal like that.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Yeah, I mean you are Actually it's right, and we've
expressed this to you you're a light. You know you
are a light.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
Thank you totally agree.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Tell us about when you and Omar finally did get together.
Now you had two boys.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Oh that those are his kids. And if you would
say stepdad, that is he would say the whole other
side him. And it was not pretty, really it was.
It was not pretty. That's all his kids. Yeah, that's awesome.
Those are his babies, his boys. I remember he brought
his partner was it wasn't his normal as usual partner,
but it was a partner, and he brought him by
(10:24):
the house and he said, yeah, my son, I want
you to meet my son. I have my son to
come out here. He need to, you know, bring my
credit card out here. I left it. The guy he said,
I see this six two six three tall black guy
walk out, and he's like, that's my baby boy, right,
there's baby. He was like, somebody should tell you something's
(10:44):
wrong there, but I'm not gonna say anything. Right. Oh
that's great.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Yeah, And then you but your family grew and you
were blessed with Omario.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
Yeah, in two thousand and six, I was blessed with Omari.
And then you know, it happened and he's like, yeah,
you know, that's my baby, and he was like my
baby boy. He used to call him Marian baby boy.
So for the longest A Marian thought his name was
a Marian baby boys. So somebody asked him, what's your name?
You say Marian baby boy? I love that?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
And how did your relationship and everything grow after Amaran
was born?
Speaker 3 (11:18):
It was always just us. Even from before a Marian,
it seemed like it was just Omar and the two
boy extra three boys because I raised my nephew as well,
so it was just the three boys, Omar and myself
and we did everything together, and A Marian was just
another piece of the puzzle that was always meant to
be there. Omar's legacy.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
He also alight, we love him, Todae.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Yeah, he's such a great kid.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
He really is.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
He's such a great kid. I mean, I love it
when you guys come to the game nights and you know,
when we're able to come, I look for him like
I see come out because I'm I just got a
hog got kid, you know, I just got to get
just a little bit. It's soul food.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
It is soul food to see both of you. Omarian
comes into your life and it's complete right and omar Meanwhile,
it's still working now as a deputy. Yes, tell us
about his journey through that and the pressures that come
with that job.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Well, he worked in a warranton execution from the time
he graduated deputy academy. Yeah, so he was there from
the beginning. Also, he's competitive with all of his arrests,
and he didn't want to be an FTO, but he
pretty much was one field training officers, sorry, a field
(12:37):
training officer. People wanted to work with him because he
was real calm and he would tell them what to do,
and he would tell them always the right thing. That's
the one thing that people said after he died that
he always taught me the right way and said, hey,
if you do it on your own, that's one thing,
but this is the way it's supposed to be done.
And he was always about business, like we can play later,
(12:57):
but it's about business with this. He was a great officer.
That was actually one of the things that attracted me
to him was his work ethics. He could get it
done and he was about business and he knew how
to separate it and he wasn't one of those that
liked to like lay back and not do the job. Yeah,
even as a police officer, there were people that would
(13:18):
tell me, hey, he would stop and give people gas
if they were on the side of the road. You
know that that was Omar, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
The servant's heart.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Yes, where did that come from?
Speaker 3 (13:28):
His dad was actually a police officer in Mexico, you know,
even in the army, So I think maybe that's where
he got it from. But out of all of his siblings,
he's the one that's always been about people, you know,
and helping people.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
And see why y'all were such a great pair. So
when did you feel a shift in him?
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Twenty sixteen exactly. That's when I noticed change when we
had the shooting. Yeah, he became a little more emotional then,
and he was a little more withdrawn. That's when we
actually start having problems at home, where he was everything.
I couldn't say anything because he felt I was attacking
(14:13):
him and we would go back and forth with that,
and I was at home. But the whole point of
me being at home to just stay at home mom.
I was supposed to, Okay, we're gonna let our son
make it to middle school. That I was going to
go back to work, and actually I had got hired
on through DPD and that was the police Department, and
I wanted to go back, and so we started arguing
(14:34):
a lot about that, like why do you want to go?
What's the rush? You know he has made it to
middle school yet, and I would tell him, you don't
know what it's like. Everyone is like doing everything and
I want to do that before I get too old.
So but I can do other things. And so that's
when the change started.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Then do you feel like he was protecting you?
Speaker 3 (14:53):
I know that he was protecting me, now, yeah, I
know it.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
I remember how just horrific that that night was the
Dallas five and how hard this not only this community,
but this country and those that felt it, Like I
can't imagine what he went through being right there so
close to it.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah, senseless, senseless acts of violence. And uh, it's crazy
because when I as asked that question and you said
without hesitation and with such conviction twenty sixteen, like you
didn't even hesitate, that goes to show from the people
listening that that is, you haven't forgotten anything, you haven't
(15:35):
suppressed anything. You've done a lot of work. I mean,
I know because we've been able to together. Yeah. I
mean we've been able to have you around for quite
some time. But it's to be able to know that
it's it's really no different than when people ask me, like, well,
when did you get hit and it's two thousand and four,
because it was very significant, it was an abrupt shift.
(15:56):
And when doctor Bessel vander Kolk talks about the issue
user and the tissues like it's there at the molecular
level and that's why this work is so important. And
continue to do the deep dives and the self discovered
journeys and the self healing and the healthy selfish and
like it's so vital because it never goes away. In
(16:20):
twenty sixteen, I mean that's almost not too long. That'll
be a decade. And then every year, especially here in
the DFW area, the Dallas five, when that anniversary comes up,
you know, I mean it's we make a big deal
of it, as we should on all those legacies. I mean,
it's a it's just such a thankless job, such a
(16:40):
thankless job that I can say no amount of money
could get me to do that job. Especially now.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Did y'all feel that in this climate of the everyone
hates cops or did y'all feel any of that.
Speaker 3 (16:53):
He did. I think it's because you know, we were
aware of it. I think there was a s but
we could feel the shift because we were aware because
you're always heighten all you know, you're trained, so you
know what's what's there sure, and when you see the
many protests and you see the shootings, and then you
(17:14):
feel it, especially with him being out there a little
more fearful of what could the possibilities of what could happen?
What if I don't come home see you all? What if?
And I remember him saying, you know, both of us
should be putting our lives on the line. And he's like, so,
why do you want to do this? He would always say,
why do you want to do this? What do you
have to prove? It was like the same thing that
(17:35):
you have to prove, you know, That was our argument,
But he was both of us shouldn't have to do this.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Definitely protecting you. Did he when he started to struggle?
Did he open up to you?
Speaker 3 (17:46):
I made him. That was another thing. I felt like
I was pushing him. But he told me actually the
day that he left that he thanked me for doing
all of that, So I knew a lot of what
he was going through. I know a lot of his
feelings because he would tell me, not because he would
do it on his own, it's because I would make
(18:06):
him tell me. So, yeah, that change in him, and
I made him go to the doctor. He didn't want
to go, but he really didn't have much a choice
to shut me up. He would go and I remember
because I feel like his tesoscerone levels were low. I said,
this is the problems, like low libido. You know, you're irritable,
You're this. I was like, you fit this, and we
(18:29):
need to go and get your disosterone levels. And I'm
a man, I don't need to what you're talking about esoscerone.
I'm fine. But eventually we went and they were extremely low.
But he was also diagnosed with bipolar two disorder, and
he said, I'm not crazy, but he didn't accept that.
He didn't want to, so I said, okay, well go
(18:51):
and get another opinion. By this time, he was still
getting the injections, and actually he was so terrified of
the injections. He would take a whole hour to put
this one needle in his thigh and I would tell
him I'll do it, and he was like I did
it one time, he said. He called my mom told
everybody I was trying to kill him because I just
(19:11):
shove the needle down. He was like, why would you
even do that? He was like, I don't want you
to do it. But he would take literally a whole
almost an hour because he had to take it every
like every Tuesday or Wednesday, I don't remember the exact day,
but he would sit there the needle. He was terrified
of it. So we went and got a second opinion
(19:32):
and they diagnosed him with major depressive disorder. And he said, see,
I told you, none of those doctors know what they're
talking about. It's all about money. This all the scams
about money. He was like, I'm just tired. Some people
when they're struggling, they have all they they'll turn to drinking,
they'll turn to I was.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Gonna ask like, did you see any self medicating behaviors
start to happen with him?
Speaker 3 (19:57):
He did, but he did it with work.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Yeah, that's which is I think. I'm glad you bring
that up. It's very important, is that there's lots of
ways to self medicate outside of drugs and alcohol. You know,
you can do it with your work. You can do
it to the gym, you can do with church, your religion.
There's lots of ways. And look the Lota sash stuff
(20:19):
people need, like men need to understand. It's just like
it's normal with aging, right, And it's just like every day,
every morning I wake up, I have to put on
a leg to go use the bathroom. It's a tool,
it's just part of it. And if there's ways to
(20:39):
counteract that. It doesn't mean there's something like, oh, there's
something wrong with me. No, it means that you're aging
like the rest of the world. That's what that means.
There's nothing wrong with that. It just happens. And the
same with being diagnosed with major depressive disorder or bipolar two.
I'm not crazy, that's not what that means. Doesn't mean
(21:00):
you're crazy. It just means you need a little adjustment
and some chemicals that your body naturally produces. That's all
it means, you know. And I think that's why, especially
in the law enforcement community and first sponder community, that
they just turn their head from it because of all
the stigmatization, all the labeling. They need help with empowerment,
(21:25):
the courage you have to not only walk in this
place today to do this stuff. But all the time.
I mean now, I mean you're here a lot though,
you know, you bring omar in and you guys, you're
very involved, and that's a scary thing. It's a hard thing.
Just like every morning I get up and I put
my leg on, like that's a daily reminder of a
(21:46):
significant tragedy that happened in my life. Right Well, every
time you walk in these doors, same thing. There's a
reason you're here, and you face it and you do
it anyway. That's courage. That's the epitome of courage.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
Actually, that's what I felt in the very beginning. We're
coming here and my boys, that was the thing they
the older ones didn't really want and a Mariin he
wanted to. I think they were all doing it in
the beginning, just for me. Yeah, And it was a reminder.
That's when Martin said, it's a reminders, but it's a
reminder all day, every day that your dad is gone.
(22:23):
But I felt that exact way that it was a
reminder until it became okay, that's that's a place of
healing for me.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
And then one of the questions that has posed a
lot and I know you've heard it. What would Omar want?
Speaker 3 (22:40):
Yeah, he would want to He wanted me right here.
And I will tell you it's funny that you say that.
Because I had so much guilt, I blamed myself for
his death. Of course, I used to say that I
was the murderer. I would call myself. I said, I'm
the murderer. I just didn't use my hands. But I'm
the reason why he's gone. Why because when he he
attempted in twenty seventeen, and maybe a week or two
(23:04):
before that time, it was like it was around fair
time and he was so sad, and I was telling him, hey,
if you don't get this together, and if you don't
take care of yourself, we're going to have to split up,
trying to do a little tough love. I wasn't going anywhere,
and he had told me that he was thinking about
(23:25):
like taking his life. In the house, he said, you know,
I was looking around and thinking, you know, maybe I
could do this, And then he said then I thought no,
I wouldn't want you all to find me. And the
next morning when he left, I asked him, I said,
when you come home, can we talk about it? And
it was almost like he was relieved a little bit.
So I asked him, if you were going to take
(23:46):
your life, what would you do? And he said, I'll
go down south, which within Warrens they knew every little
nick and cranny everything everywhere, he said, So, which would
be like tor Waco and all? He said, I would
go down south, he said, and I would find a
little spot in there and I would do it there.
And I told him myself, but then we would never
find you. Then, how do you think that would make
(24:07):
us feel? If we never found you? But he was spiraling.
I had called him, actually had my son to call him.
He didn't answer the phone, and he wants some splend
of text messages. So I had my nephew to call
the office and see, you know, was he there? So
maybe he has training? And they was like, no, he
called in. He never called into work, so I knew
(24:28):
something was up. So I called lieutenant and I said, hey,
I'm gonna be full of transparent with you. We're having
some family issues and I'm worried about him. I didn't
have to go into details. I didn't have to say anything.
He said okay, and he said, yeah, you're right. He
hasn't been looking right, you know. Someone else said they
noticed that he looked a little different. So that day
they put a bolo out on him, which is to
(24:49):
be on the lookout. And that was a one long,
hard night and they had a car that was parked
in front of our house. Everyone was looking, every agency
was looking for him. Well, he called me, and it
was on Thursday morning. He actually called, so we were
able to ping his phone and I was keeping him
on the line and I told him he said, can
(25:11):
I come home? He sounded like a baby and I
was like, yeah, you can come home. And he was like,
really it was not him and I said, yes, baby,
please come home. I was like we all love you.
And he was like I'm sorry and I said no,
just come home, and he said, there's a squad car
behind me. So by this time, my nephew had called
the department to say hey, I'm on the phone with them,
(25:31):
but they had already paying design and I didn't know
that he was speeding. So the lieutenant was telling me
while I'm talking to him, it's like, tell him to
slow down. And I said, you know, Omar, I said,
you know, are you speeding? He was like I'm trying
to get away from them. It was like he forgot
that he was a police officer. He said, there's another one.
He said, So I'm going to drive over here and
(25:52):
I said, oh, my warrior weapons. He said, they're on
the ground. I said, baby, please don't pick them up.
Leave them there. And I said, said, it's because I
love you. He said, there's another officer. I said it's
because I love you. And I just kept saying it
to him, and he said, oh, there's another squad right
over here. I said, it's because I love you. And
that's all that I would say to him because I
want him to just to know that. And he said,
(26:13):
but did you call them? I said it's because I
love you. I never told him yes or no. I
said it's because I love you. So he said I'm
going to pull over. I said pull over, I said,
and don't pick up anything. He said, okay, I'm not.
And so that was Christmas because they got him, you know.
And actually there was even an article where you could
see or a car was stopped on the side of
the road when traffic was down. The sheriff's apartment was
(26:34):
right there. Even the little Waco or of course account
of police, they were there, and he told me that
the officer then told him the sergeant that was on duty.
He said, thank you for not messing up my boys,
because they didn't know if he was going to suicide
by copper or what. They took him to Green Oaks.
I was so happy to see him, you know that,
(26:55):
And he was relieved. Ironically, he was relieved that people
knew the chief was there at the time. He saw me.
When I came, he was like, okay, I'm gonna let
you visit her, you know. But he was kind of
surprised because because they hadn't seen me in years, like, oh,
this is who you're married to, like okay, I remember
her now, like oh okay. And so he was relieved.
(27:18):
I saw that and the support that he received, like
he had the text messages where people were telling him,
you know, hey, cal you got this, and there was
a I mean a number of people calling and checking
on him where he didn't feel bad and they told him,
you know, your job is going to be here. Just
get the help that you need. So he was in
Green Oaks for maybe three or four days, and I
(27:40):
remember picking him up on a Monday and the sheriff. Well,
the sergeant called me and said, well, you need to
bring him in for a fit for duty. Well, I
actually called them to let them know that I picked
him up. He's home now, we're resting, so if anybody
wants to come and visit him, you guys can. She said, no,
he needs to get a fit for duty. You have
to bring him in and we'll bring you the paperwork.
They showed up an hour later, brought the paperwork and said,
(28:02):
make sure he goes to you know, so you can
come back to work. I said, I don't think we
need to do work right now. I need to because
we still had to find a psychiatrist. He still had
to find all the you know so I can get
him in therapy. They assigned him medications. They told him,
you can't take medication. If you want to come back
to the job, you can't take any medications. We were
(28:23):
there all day because he wasn't ready. And even the
psych at the time said she gave him a hard
time because she even interviewed me and she had him
a really hard time. It's like he just got out
of the hospital. I called the sergeant and I asked,
can you just give us at least three weeks. Just
give us three weeks to get him a doctor, because
(28:44):
this is all that we have. He has to have
a doctor, he has to receive therapy. I'm going to
say maybe three to four weeks. That was it, you know, like, hey,
we're short and you need to come back. Cant of
the doctor said that truth, you can be released, you
have to come back. They switched the shift when he
came back, so he was on day shift and he said, well,
the therapy that my wife set up for me and
my doctors, you know, I go in the evening and
(29:08):
they said, well, you know, you can burn your time.
So when he got on shift, they said, we're short,
so you couldn't burn your time. So and I remember
him saying, you know, like if it, what's the point,
you know? And he did well. When Omar was at work,
he was functional. He was perfect. So that's why no
one saw it. But when he was in the hospital
(29:28):
they diagnosed him with post traumatic stress. That's when he
was diagnosed with that, and then in his mind he
felt like, oh, this is a death sentence, like nobody's
going to want to work with me. I'm a liability.
And I was telling him no, you know, people can
live with this, and he was like, no, the guys know,
even though the county doctor knew what he was diagnosed with,
but they told him you can't take medication. He couldn't
(29:49):
go to therapy. They actually gave him a hard time
when he was at work. And that's why I tell
people be careful the things that you say, because he
overheard someone calling him crazy and he was already beating
him himself up right. But everybody liked him steal, but
he always felt like some they're looking at me, they're
looking at me different. But he did well, but I
felt I saw him struggling. Actually started spiraling in twenty eighteen.
(30:12):
March of twenty eighteen is when he started spiraling again.
And that's when I started reaching out to his partner.
I said, okay, y'all, I need help because he's not okay,
He's not okay. I woke up to him in the
corner on the floor brying. He's never cried like that,
and I remember getting out of the bed and I
was like, oh, are you okay? And he was like,
(30:35):
I'm effed up and he said, you know, my brain,
he said, my brain is lept up and you don't
deserve this. He said, I put you through too much
and I said no, he didn't. We're going to be okay,
you know, And I told him. He said I'm scared
and I said what he's scared of? And he said,
I'm scared that I can't fight forever. I said no.
I told him. I said, we're going to fight this, Omar,
We're fighting. We're going to fight this. And then I
remember when he did.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
In June.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
He was on a it was on a two say night,
well actually before he went to work. He was he
laid around a little bit longer than he normally laid around.
He was he could tell you suppressed And I asked him.
I said, ohmer, and now I've learned the power the
things of what not to say. But I said, ohm, A,
you're not going to hurt yourself or anything like, are you?
That was not okay to say it like that. And
(31:18):
he was like, no, I'm not going to And he
said that. I think he thanked me. He said, I
thank you for you know, a riding my ass. He said,
I thank you for that. He said, you loved me,
he said, and I don't deserve that, he said, and
the boys in there. I don't deserve a love, he said,
this uniform. I don't deserve this uniform. It's I don't
deserve the wordish uniform. And then I was trying to
give him this tough love because by then we did
(31:40):
find another therapist for him to go to. He only
went to her once, but the therapists prior to that
we went to seemed like it made things worse for him.
But now I know he have to be culturally competent.
That makes a big difference.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Yeah, really important. People understand too. Yeah, and so he
therapists are. It's not a one size fits all.
Speaker 3 (32:00):
Yeah, yeah, not at all. I remember sitting there giving
him this look like okay, because he told me, he said,
you deserve better, and as long as I'm here, you
won't have it. And I wanted to take it like
he was being arrogant, because he was known to be
very arrogant, and I was like, whatever omar. But I
didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to
have that conversation before he went to work, and my mind,
(32:21):
I said, when he comes home, we're going to talk
about it. But he didn't give me that time, so
I remember hearing him in the garage, but he never
came in, and he was out there a little bit longer,
and so I went. That's when I saw that his
service weapons were gone and he was gone. He had
his phone. He made sure they couldn't pine his line anywhere.
He had his phone with instructions, you know, and his wallet.
(32:42):
I kept calling him. My son said, who you calling.
I said, I'm calling Omarin. He said his phone is
right here. So I knew then, you know, because I
saw the instructions, like this is for Marian. This is
a pin because I always forgot the pin to the
credit card. This is a pin number, and the title
of the cars, and the top dresser drawer. That's when
I called the apartment. I said, he's going to do
it this time, because he promised me he would never
put us through that again. I said, he's going to
(33:05):
do it. I need your help. They waited till the morning,
told me to file a missing person's report with a
mesquite pee, which is what I did. Then they came
out and they said, okay, we put a bolo out
for him, but I felt like no one was looking
for him. I called the chaplain. I called the lieutenant,
and I said, I don't think anyone's looking for him.
I said, it feels different, like no one's looking. Later on,
(33:27):
I found out that the sheriff had called off the
BOLO an hour after was dispatched, so no one was
looking for him.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (33:36):
And that was on a Wednesday. And Friday, I get
a knock on the door and I remember my oldest
son said, Mom, their police officers at the door, and
I said, don't let him in. I remember coming to
the door and they said can we come in? And
I said nope. Oh, Mark's coming home. Just tell me where,
he said. And it's like no, you know, because they
call me young. They say, no, young, we need to
(33:57):
come in, and I said, no, you can't come in.
So I remember my oldest son kind of moved me
back and they came in and they told me we
found him in the parking lot of the shriff's department.
You know, he's dead. So that whole time, he was
sitting in the parking lot, yeah, of the shriff's department,
of the shaff's apartment, yep. And then I had people
(34:20):
tell me later I saw your car there. I said, well,
you guys knew that. I was looking for him. Why
didn't anyone go over there? Why didn't anyone And then
getting the autopsy report, you know, later to say that, well,
the bullet never made it to his brain. He more
than likely just bled to death. And I don't know
how long it was like, I don't know, but it
(34:43):
was like he was there, and I said, I know
he was waiting for me. He knew that I was
going to get to him, and I was looking for him,
and that that was my whole mindset. He knew that
I was coming, and I couldn't have gotten to him
because it's behind secured you know, secured location, so one
still wouldn't have been able to get to him. That
he was there.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
And you know, now after a lot of work, a
lot ofsn't work. We don't have control the outcome. We
can want and wish as much as we want, we
don't have patrol the outcome between them and God. I
(35:24):
remember my very dear friend of mine retired as a
master gunnery starter from the Marine Corps, and he asked
me one time, he was like, how you doing, Jake?
I was like, the quinn essential answer that we give
each other. I'm good, bro like and usually that's the
that's enough, Like okay, cool, and it was like I'm good, bro,
(35:48):
you know, right at me, and he was like, hey,
after everything we've been through together, I would really appreciate
if I ask you something that you wouldn't look right
at my faith and lied to me. And I was like,
oh shit, how you doing? And I was like, I'm struggling.
Why are you struggling? You know? I started naming off
(36:11):
all the names, because when we first started this, it
was like almost to the month or months losing just
another one another, one another, one another one. And I
was like, I just don't understand. What am I not
doing enough of? What am I doing too much of?
(36:32):
What have we not tried? And he looked at me
and he said when did you become so important? Which,
of course my ears pinned back, and he said, before
you hit me, let me explain what I mean. He said, Jake,
the last time I checked, you weren't nulled.
Speaker 3 (36:52):
To a cross.
Speaker 1 (36:53):
I meant to suffer for three nights in three days.
He said, last time I checked, that wasn't you. He said,
So all that guilt and all that shame that you're
carrying has already been paid for. You're just not that important.
It was like a silver backed gorilla let go of
(37:13):
my soul because I was like, dude, you're right, you're right.
That re memory you told me that you didn't tie
that rope, you didn't load that weapon, you didn't pour
those pillows down the throat, and you didn't shoot that
needle in the arm like you didn't so on and
so forth, all the different methods, and it was like,
I remember how tragically relieving that was. It's the same
(37:40):
with your situations. And I know you've been told this.
I know because you've done all this work, but it's
so vital to do these constant little reminders of it's
out of my control. I'm just not that important. I
don't have to like it, but accept it. It's just
(38:03):
so important that people understand we don't have control of
the outcome.
Speaker 3 (38:08):
So what I have learned, and what I actually say
now is that who invited me to sit at the
table of God's I'm not that powerful, So I said, no,
one invited me to sit at that table. So I
don't control life and I don't control death. And I
had to learn that and that's what actually helped me.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
It's beautiful after everything that you've been through and going
through that entire process and still having to pick yourself
up by your bootstraps as we say in Texas and
move forward with three boys and a nephew. Where are
(38:49):
you today? Looking back since twenty eighteen to today? How
have you grown? How have you dug deep? How have
you decided to be a victor instead of a victim?
Knowing full well you still have your bad days, we
all do. You still have bad periods of life. But
where are you today?
Speaker 1 (39:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (39:08):
I'm still in the place of healing. And I learned
that healing is continuous, It's continual, it doesn't have an
E D on it. I've accepted and I love the
process because you have to trust it. The turning factor
even in my healing, because once again you know I'm here,
We're getting therapy. We had been receiving therapy for about
(39:28):
six months and I found myself suicidal. I like you said,
you didn't know. I didn't know that I was suicidal.
I had no idea, And I remember having the safety
plan here. You have a safety plan here, the people
to call. And it was on Thanksgiving the following Thanksgiving,
because Thanksgiving was our favorite. That was almost favorite holiday.
Speaker 1 (39:47):
You know.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
I didn't cook anything. It was just it was horrible.
So I remember going to I told the boys, I'm
going to go to the park and I said, just
make sure you turn the porch light on. I'll be back.
But I took the gun with me, but in my
mind I still did. It didn't register to me what
I was going to do. It just it didn't. And
(40:10):
I remember going to the park and I remember sitting
in the park and the park was full of people,
and I was so aggravated. I said, this is Thanksgiving.
Why are these people in this park. They should be
at home, they should be eating. Why are so many people?
I was upset, So.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Them people in this frigging park on Thanksgiving watching football.
Speaker 3 (40:32):
Yeah, And so I sat there and I felt that, Okay,
they're gonna think that I'm crazy sitting here in this park.
I said, So I'm going to call someone on just
on my list. So the first person I called was
my sister. She didn't answer the phone. And the next
person was my friend, and she was busy with Thanksgiving dinner.
So in my mind, I said, that's confirmation I don't
(40:54):
need to be here. It was proof. And I remember
as I sat there, there was another lady that that
I had just met this that same year, and I
called her and she put two and two together six
months after her husband. God, I don't Thanksgiving in a park,
So she talked to me, and we talked for about
an hour. But I still knew what I was going
to do. You know, I'm just waiting for them to
(41:16):
leave in the sun to go down. Then I'm going
to do it. And I remember screaming at God because
by this time he didn't exist to me, he wasn't real.
I was mad at him, and I told him, I said,
if you're real, I said, because I don't believe that
you are, you'll step in. And I screamed that and
I was crying. And by this time it's dark. I
(41:38):
was literally pulling the trigger and it was two little
kids that popped up in my window. It was pitch
dark over there. There wasn't a single light there.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (41:49):
Yeah, and their parents, I'm assuming they were their parents
behind them with a light on their phone, like just
walking through. And I remember crying because I said I
was going to ruin their lives because they would have
saw it. I said they would have saw everything, and
I cried and then I went to sleep, like right
there in the part. I went to sleep for a
few hours.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
And then when I woke up, that's crazy that release was. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (42:16):
Then I woke up and I went home. I took
the magazine out the gun and actually have I carry
the bullet with me everywhere I go. Wow, So I
have the bullet. And I went home and my little
boy and met me at the door. He didn't even
let me get into the house and he hugged me
and he said, Mom, if you do it, I'm going
to do it too. And he said thank you for
(42:37):
coming home. And we made a pinky promise, like right
there at the door. I said, okay, gonna stay. I said,
we're both gonna stay. And it's amazing how kids they know.
You think they don't know, but they know. He said,
you had the same eyes like my dad. And then
(42:58):
I think that was actually when I really started the
process of healing. I wanted to heal and dealing with
the guilt never went away, and the guilt stays, but
I learned that you can use it because I equate
guilt to it's a little bit of love there. So
(43:18):
it may never go away of me feeling like I
could have saved him, you know. And I learned that
even when you're saying things like if I had him known,
you're still blaming yourself. So I had to learn to
take the blame off of me, because, like you say, well,
with Omar wanted, he would have wanted me to live,
and he would have wanted me well yeah, not just live,
(43:39):
yeah live well yeah, And that's when I really started,
like really going within and dealing with sitting with the pain.
Before I was avoiding the pain. Sitting with the pain, man, I.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
Tell you right now that that part of it. It's
just sitting and being present in your own pain with
no outside chemicals, no anything. In the beginning, like I
would rather get stabbed by a band at in the
thigh it would be less painful, Like I will never
(44:21):
forget starting that. And it was like, no wonder, I
was drunk and high all the time.
Speaker 2 (44:28):
This sucks having to deal with it, having to sit
in it, but it is so.
Speaker 1 (44:36):
Vital to the process. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:39):
I remember when I went to my doctor and I
was diagnosed with PTSD, and I remember everything that Omar did.
I was doing the same exact things. I mean, like
reading a paragraph. I would tell him, you just read that,
why are you reading that?
Speaker 1 (44:56):
Over?
Speaker 3 (44:56):
And I found myself having to read the paragraphs over
and over. I like, forgetting everything and doing these things
and accepting, Okay, well, if this is what I have,
it doesn't mean that it's not death. And that's why
I feel like maybe Omar kind of guided me to
one tribe. You know, I always felt that way.
Speaker 1 (45:16):
That just mean, I just want you to know. But
now I just had what I call it soul smile,
like I feel it in my gut, and that's just
what I had. I just want to share it. I did,
and I wanted to share it. Thank you.
Speaker 3 (45:31):
And the following Thanksgiving, I'm in a better place. I
actually went to volunteer at this church. There was a
guy there and we were outside taking a break. I
think I was there cutting turkeys and we were taking
a break and we just started casual conversations and we
were conversing and just like why are you here, and like,
you know, just volunteering, And he said, okay, but really,
(45:55):
why are you here? And I said, well, you know,
it's just just to you know, to get away and
just to help and you know, like a lot of
people here, you know, they don't want to deal with things,
you know, that's why he was talking. So I told him,
you know, I lost my husband a year prior to
this is just my way of giving back. And he
was asking me things and I was telling him, you know,
(46:17):
he had post traumatic stress, and you know, he died
by suicide. And I was telling him little details. He
was asking me. It's just certain questions I remember. He
told me. He said, I understand that your husband was
close and he told you everything, he said, but a
lot of the things that you're telling me, he said,
it feels a little different. He said, like you have
(46:37):
a little too much information. I said, no, we were
just really close. I didn't tell him, dare tell him
about myself because I still had that little bit of stigma.
And then he said, well what he's He said, what
did your husband call it? And I told him I said,
well he called it the fucked up place. Excuse me,
and he said, well, what do you call it? I
said the dark Hole. I didn't get it then, and
(46:58):
he said, I said the dark Hole? Said you know,
a little dark place, man, He said, it goes by
different names. He said, we all call a death a place,
you know, a little dark hole, you know. He gave
me a list of what everyone calls it. He said,
the problem with your husband was he said that no
one told him, because I told my husband got better.
I said, he was doing so much better. And then
he started going back down a little rabbit hole again.
(47:20):
He said, Well, he said, no one told your husband
was that he was going to see that place again,
and he should have came familiar with it. He said,
if you become familiar with it, you'll be able to
catch yourself before you hit the bottom. Yep, he said,
and no one told him that. He said. He felt
like he was a failure because he was feeling better
and then it was happening again, so he felt like
(47:42):
he was failing and it wasn't going to get any better.
He said, That's what they should have told him, he said,
and no one told him that. And I was taking
all of that in and then I asked him, I said, well,
what advice would you give? And he grabbed my hand.
He said, don't be ashamed of it.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (48:01):
I was like, you know, I wanted to be offended, like, no,
what are you talking about?
Speaker 1 (48:07):
How dare you. I don't feel any shame.
Speaker 3 (48:09):
And he told me, he said, we can identify each other.
He said, we all recognize each other. And he was military.
He said he was military. He said, just a few conversations,
a few words that you said, he said, I already knew,
he said, not to be ashamed of it. And I
remember getting back to therapy, like, oh my god, was
I get the therapist this? And I told my therapist
(48:31):
and he said, you've been in here close to two years,
he said, And I've been trying to get this through
to you, he said, but this one person says it
to you and you got it. That's always how it
goes over. And he said, you got it, And yeah,
I guess. I guess I do have it, you know.
And then that's when I learned that there is so
much power, transparency and healing in vulnerability. And after that
(48:56):
is when I had my first This organization had invited
me to go to like this Blue Help. There was
a dinner in Washington. I didn't want to go because
I felt like, you know, no, you know, that's I
don't think I'm ready for that. I'm ou thereist said, yeah,
well you should go, he said, because your funeral here
was this horrible because my husband's funeral was horrible. He
(49:17):
said you should go, and I went, and then from
there I met people there, and yes, I did have
an emotional breakdown, but I remember telling there was a
lady on the side of me and everyone seemed to
be so happy there, and everyone's dressed up and everyone's happy.
And I remember looking at her and I said, I'm struggling.
(49:37):
Those are the exact words, and she said me too.
And that was such a relief because everyone looked happy.
And I realized then that everyone is wearing a mask.
Everyone is wearing a mask because I was wearing a mask,
and that was like a little catalyst for me to
go a little bit further. And we've actually became pretty
much the best of friends through this journey. And so
(50:01):
and I got back. I told my therapist about that,
and after that, I remember the president of the organization said,
we want you to come and speak in Colorado, and
I was like, for what, you know, I can't do that.
And I talked to my therapist about it, and he said,
what's the worst thing that could happen? And I said,
I don't know. He said, what's the worst thing that
(50:22):
can happen. I said, well, I cry, he said, but
that's it.
Speaker 2 (50:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (50:29):
And once I was on the panel and I did cry,
but I guess I said enough of what needed to
have been said. And I still don't remember, but people
were coming up to me, and I remember as I
was leaving, I thought a tourum there was a guy
that was waiting for me to come out, and I
get Chields and I still think about that. He said,
(50:49):
I'm going to get the help that I didn't know
I needed.
Speaker 2 (50:51):
Wow, And I said, it touches just one person, and
I said, that was why I came exactly.
Speaker 1 (50:58):
That's it. And we don't always know the and we
don't always know the outcomes or the who we impact
or any of those things. And you, in particular, with
your story, it makes people feel safe to follow in
your vulnerability. I mean, that's a god thing. That's a gift, right,
(51:19):
and it came from a significant place of tragedy, but
it is a gift, make no mistake about that. And
I'm just not only proud of you, but I'm very
proud for you and the boys and all the work
you've done to be able to get to where you
are and continue to heal because, like you said, it
(51:41):
is a constant evolution. It is an everyday thing. It's
just like working out right, Like you, Well, I'm going
to go to the gym a few times and I
just expect to be in the best shape of my
life the rest of my life. Nope, that's not how
it works. Well, your brain, your soul, in your spirit
is the same way.
Speaker 3 (52:03):
I believe in being wrong because I remember when my
husband was going through everything and one person said I
know what you're going through, and he lit up a
little bit. So I always remember that. And when I
was struggling, I was looking for people that sounded like me,
that looked like me. They knew what I was going through.
And when I say looked like me, I mean on
(52:23):
the inside that pain. And I didn't want anyone to
sugarcoat it, because why, it's the reality. It's human. And
even with my little boy, I think the reason why
he's healed so much is because I made him stay
in reality, like this is the reality. Maybe because it's
my background. I didn't want him to have this whole
(52:43):
idea that it was going to be so much easier. No,
it's raw, it's hard. It's hard, but you can get
through it. You have to do the work. There isn't
any other way around it. So we try to avoid
the pain. No sit in it. It changes you, but
it doesn't have to change you in a bad way.
I was trying to be the person that I was
(53:05):
before oldmar died, and I think that's why I was
falling a lot. But that person died. Who I was
died with him. I'm a new person now and I
have to learn who she is. It's gonna take time,
but it's a journey still. So once I accept that
I'm not that same person, so much beauty can come.
(53:26):
Even after that, And even when I facilitate my groups,
I tell them, you know, we're not the same people.
We're not so when we try to do that, we're
trying to fit in a box that we no longer
belong in. We're new people, And it doesn't mean that
it's bad. It's actually beautiful because the pain that you
have you can share with other people because people need
(53:47):
a light too, People need a guide. I needed a guide.
So if I would have had someone to say it's
going to be hard instead of oh, you're going to
be Okay, you will be but no, it's it's going
to hurt. You're going to struggle, but you'll get through it,
because that's what we did. And before I felt like
(54:08):
I would never smile again, and when I did smile,
it was fake, and I used to hate myself because
I was like, I don't even want to go around
because I'm faking, you know, and I didn't recognize who
I was. But I can laugh now, I can smile now,
and it's real, and so I tell people it doesn't
feel like it, but it's a process. You just have
to trust that you have to go through the pain
(54:29):
and become familiar with it, because I've had times where
I've dropped and I was struggling, but I became familiar
with it, so I knew that I wasn't going to
hit the bottle because I became It sounds morbid, but
I became comfortable with that place, and I became comfortable
with it because I was able to give myself grace
(54:50):
to understand that I'm human. I'm going to fall and
I'm going to struggle, but I get back up because
that's life. I'll make it through this mountain, and there's
going to be another mountain, but at least this time,
I know for a fact it only takes one step.
So I just keep stepping and keep walking. I'll get there.
(55:12):
I'll get over that mountain. Then there's going to be
another mountain. I'll get over that too.
Speaker 2 (55:22):
You inspire me daily and you are such an incredible
light to this world. Thank you for being our guide
on this journey. I know this wasn't an easy conversation
to have, and so we are so truly grateful that
you were willing to come and be vulnerable and open up,
and thank you for doing the work and for inspiring
(55:42):
us all. Thank you for being on the good stuff.
Speaker 3 (55:45):
But leave started here. I tell everywhere I go, every
place that I speak, that's why I understand how important
it is to have competent and culturally competent therapists because
I lived it, so I know how important it is.
I tell everyone this was the beginning for me, because
(56:06):
if I didn't have this, I don't know if I
would even be here, or the quality of life that
I would have, if it would even be worth it,
if I didn't have you all and walking in and
not feeling the stigma, and you guys understanding. There was
(56:26):
something that you had said. Now my mind just went blame.
But it was on the interview and it was something
about you got it from some more was a dragon
or a beast or something that you said.
Speaker 1 (56:37):
Right, the dragon to change? Yeah, General Krulac, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (56:42):
Yeah, And I always remember that because that's really what
that's what it is. And when you would speak, you
were you humanized my old Mark. That's that's what I
used to say. You humanized my Omar because to me,
everyone else saw him as that he was just suicide.
(57:03):
He was a human that something happened to him. Life
happened to him, and that was the outcome of what
life was. But he didn't have the tools to stay here. Now,
I was blessed to have the tools in order to
say and just that the way you guys made me
feel that it wasn't anything to be shamed about. Everyone understood.
(57:26):
That took like a whole burden off of having to
try to pretend to be something else. I didn't have
to pretend. I didn't have to hide because everyone knew
what was going on, because someone was affected by it
and they knew someone And that made a big difference
in my healing. I would telling the people at the
other organization, I wish that everybody had this organization. I
(57:51):
wish because they asked me, how did you get where
you are? You seem so much stronger, And I was like,
I don't I never saw strength. I just said I'm
just here. But they were like, no, you seem so strong,
and how do I get to where you are?
Speaker 1 (58:03):
You know?
Speaker 3 (58:04):
So just take what I learned and give it to them.
But I wish that they all had this. I wish
that everyone could come here. You know, even when I
like officers that I would tell them, hey, you need
to go there, and because they'll listen, especially, they'll listen
to I think they listened to me more because yep,
(58:24):
I was my husband and because I was there, and
because of the environment, I think they talk to me more.
Like the guys actually will open up to me more.
Speaker 1 (58:32):
Yeah, unfortunately, and it's because of unfortunate credibility that you
now have. Yeah, and it shouldn't take that, But that's
driven by the stigma in the labeling and the stereotypes,
and it's driven by that, and that is a hard
mold to break. Man trying for over a decade still
a thing, you.
Speaker 2 (58:51):
Know, and it's the I'm just so glad that you're
there for them, that you are.
Speaker 1 (58:55):
Yeah, and look, make no mistake, I'm so grateful that
you found us too, And I'm fer Honda, you've done
the work right. We were just a conduit. That's it. Like,
we can't do the work for you. You have to
do that. Don't forget the vital task of giving yourself
(59:20):
credit where credit is due. Don't forget that because that's
super important too. It's okay to take a minute to
do the pad on the back and be like, hey,
you are pretty badass, Like that's okay, that's needed, right
because you've earned that. Talking about badges, we're that badge
(59:42):
with pride because you did the work. Nobody else did
it for you, and you still do the work.
Speaker 3 (59:49):
Yeah, I'm proud of myself as you should be.
Speaker 2 (59:53):
As you should be. Sharonda Calderon, thank you so much
for being part of the good stuff.
Speaker 3 (59:57):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:00:01):
We're so very grateful Shiranda had the strength encouraged to
share her story with us today. And we will continue
to speak O marcle Lron's name as we are all
the gatekeepers of his legacy.
Speaker 2 (01:00:11):
Never forgotten Thank you so much for listening. If this
episode touched you today, please share it and be part
of making someone else's day better.
Speaker 1 (01:00:19):
Put on your bad ass caves like Shiranda and go
be great today, and remember you can't do epic stuff
without epic people. Thank you for listening to the good Stuff.
The Good Stuff is executive produced by Ashley Schick, Jacob Schick,
Leah Pictures and q Code Media. Hosted by Ashley Shick
(01:00:40):
and Jacob Shick, Produced by Nick Cassilini and Ryan Countshouse
host production supervisor Will Tindi. Music editing by Will Haywood Smith,
edited by Mike Robinson,
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