February 28, 2022 • 33 mins
The Laundronauts is a modern day fairytale that answers one of the great mysteries of our times: Where do the missing socks go? Tune in. Close your eyes. You won't believe your ears.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Laundronots is a production of I Heart Radio. This
is what we remember and remember, this is what it
sounded like. What we couldn't hear, we made up. The
rest of it is true or sometimes machine sometimes machine don't.
(00:31):
That's just the wrong place. Are you attempting to apply,
young lady, that you've never heard of the Laundronots? Is
that what you're attempting to imply. I'm not attempting to
imply anything. I'm telling you I've never heard of that.
What about you, young man? Surely you've heard of the laundronouts.
You're at least nine six or six. You're a veritable
(00:53):
redwood And no, sir, I've never heard of the laundronauts.
Sweet mother or mushal, it's a talasa to in your travesty.
What do you giggle? Girl? I think you're just making
it up. You have the audacity to challenge the voracity
of my audacity, and your captain do you corroborate your
(01:13):
compatriots consternation? I make the think so, sir? Where are
your parents? They went to the liquor store to play
the scratchers? Ohice? Then we wait and when they return
they should be reprimanded within an inch of their lives
for their dereliction of parental duty in this matter. Surely
(01:35):
they must know the time is of the utmost essence
when it comes to the laundronnots. What do you mean
when you turned well? Old memory of the Laundronots goes
into hibernation so as to protect it from the approaching
atrocities of adolescence. And hold, are you your lady five
eight and a half you're the size of a garden. No,
(01:59):
I know, eight and a half years of fertile ground
until you've done fallow child? Do you follow? Excuse me, sir?
What then goes into nat turned twelve? How could our
pants possibly remember to tell us about the londronots where
you're just a regular encyclopedia brow Not no, sir, Because
(02:23):
when those probably prep progeny become parents and incantatory bio
alchemical reaction occurs in their brains, and those londern art
memories come back like a stampede of glubby rumblers filled
with one singular purpose, and one singular purpose alone. What
purpose would that be, sir, to impart the story of
(02:44):
the London knots upon their children? Yes, my dear dads,
to your question, I am a laundrono. I am, in
fact the last of the laundro roots. What happened to be? Sir?
Of course I could. I'm the only one who could now,
(03:08):
But all the rest are gone very well. In prepare yourselves, timblings,
to pay yourselves for the wonder, Prepare yourselves for the weird,
To bear yourselves for everything you have ever ever here
the pair a ruptured, Prepare to be flopped. Prepare yourselves
(03:29):
for the landers. On Saturday, April two nine, at seven
thirty p m. In the knob Hill wash It Turium,
one of the very first wash it turiums in the
history of washer turium. At the corner of Taylor Geary Boulevards,
(03:52):
San Francisco, California, USA, Earth, Johnica, the Fleet, Perry Hennigan,
Bigolas Course, Ramona Rais, Benjamin Kingman and I so Charlie, everything, stuff,
j D. Belzel into the jumbletn washer, close the door,
(04:13):
turn it on and run away. None of us intervened.
We were mostly just afraid. Nick's parents on the place.
Benny's dad was fixing of the plumbing in the basement.
Perry's parents were in the office above, handling some affairs.
(04:34):
The rest of our parents had let us attend to
the tumbling clothes while they smoked and drank and gambled
at the corner liquor store. Seconds after Charlie evans round
the back door, Mr Kingman appeared from the basement looking
for his son Benny shriek and jump, which caused the
(04:54):
rest of us to shriek and jump, which caused everyone
else to rush in from every entrance, skyway, by way,
and coral space. Mr Bellzel clipped off the radio and
turned to us, peering through coke bottle glasses, asking through
clenched grinding teeth, where have you hidden? My son j
(05:16):
D Had been hidden many times before, you see, and
not just by Charlie Heavens. Nick pointed a trembling finger
as a still rumbling jumper frog. Mr belle Zel's face
went from red to blue to a lovely purple hue
rarely found in nature. He flung open the machine and
dove inside. Sumphy water sloshed out as he began searching frantically,
(05:40):
his stumpy legs kicking in the air. His curses muffled.
It was as if a giant metal frog was eating him.
He was finally burped back out and spun to us, dripping,
red faced and huffing. Where is j D? Mona strove
forward peered inside the still steaming washer. Her face turned
(06:04):
as I moved her aside. Nothing but bubble water, j D.
The others showed me as high. Their reactions were uniforms shock,
and someone blurted out just kidding. Telly Evans gave j
D a royal snuggy, and then they ran off down
(06:25):
the street. I might have been the one who blurted
that out. You all know j D has that condition,
and we did so. We were dragged to our respective
homes and thrashed and grounded and told to pray for
j D's soul in our own to boot. J D's
(06:45):
picture was in the paper the next day, Local Boy Missing.
It was the same photo they used in Saint Xavier's
elementary year book for the last three years, the one
with his stupid taped up by glasses. It made me, said,
it made Benny man. I want a piece of Charlie Ins,
(07:07):
a big old chunk of something that can chew on
and grad. We need to figure out a plan first.
Mona kept us hold in line, relax and focus. Oh,
I'm focused. I'm already working on an algorithm of revenge.
Her in sideways, Benny, I want to warm my hands
in the steam coming out of your ears. Nick. Sorry,
(07:29):
we'll pack me in a suitcase and ship me the
Kalamazoo because kiss meant ain't nothing but a state of mind. Folks, Hush, Harry.
We really could decipher what Perry was saying, but it
usually made us laugh, So we find it. Don't you
first have to have a mind, Perry, Oh, most of did.
(07:50):
He's still hoping. Santa is going to bring you a
personality for Christmas. Nick Assess the guy with no middle name.
My parents couldn't afford one, se Nick and suffered from
an interminable case of short eight old guy syndrome. Both
symbiotic and parasitic in nature, The relationship created ample opportunity
(08:10):
for slide insults, and heartfelt camaraderie. Jonica, you got Charlie.
Jonica's ultrashiness made her almost invisible at times, which gave
her the most humor like of shadowing skills. She quickly
sussed that Charlie had been interviewed by the police and
released due to lack of evidence. He was soon back
(08:33):
on the prowl at Saint X, incessantly lurking and lingering
nearby in the shadows. We agreed to meet back at
the knob Hill was a trium that Sunday night. It
would be Easter and our parents would be unconscious by sunset.
It would be the perfect evening to try and raise J. D.
(08:54):
Belzel from the dead. But before we do that, children,
before we venture any deeper into this dark and decidedly
deceptive diagrama, the two of you, young simbles, must first
be fully oath for your protection. At yes, fully, that
(09:19):
sounds painful. The oath you're about to take not only
bind you forever to every duly oath stitchy before you.
It also lodges an incantatory bioelchemical suggestion into your head
that will sink and slumber deep in the warm recesses
(09:41):
of your brain wrinkles until your twelfth birthday, when the
oath shall reawaken as a great and ravenous wabbly gobbler. Ready, ah,
you must say it word for word, breath for breath,
note for an out, as I say it, now begotten
(10:04):
or grotten, so forgotten to be sotten. Cotton has gotten russell.
Now you begotten modern cotton has sotgotten the bees forgotten
cotton rotten. That was horrible. An incantation is as much
(10:25):
about melody as it is about magic. Now listen, I
begotten or brotten, so forgotten that the sotten cotton has
gotten rotten, grottenotten, and cotton has gotten rotten, marginally less mangled,
scarcely sufficient and reluctantly ratified. Come this day forward, you're
(10:53):
both stitchlings. This is a great rivileged children. Stitchlings are
allowed to a door and revere laundering out Premiere and
of her, while also tending to more menial concerns. Whatever
called upon, will we ever get to bed, sir? Everything
(11:15):
onward resembled that easter, even the dark alley behind the washerturium.
Perry took one look at the locked back door, announced,
I'll be right back, Perry, but he was already shimming
up the drainpipe, Titros being the ledge, unlatching the window
(11:40):
and leaping inside. In an almost cartoonishly short amount of time,
the door swung open, revealing our intrepid explorer, grinning ear
to ear basket gat no da Gama on me. My
parents owned the place, you idiot. I have a key. Well,
now we have a plan. D We gathered the JumboTron
(12:01):
three times the size of the other machines. When it moved,
the ground shook, her roughtest groaned, and somehow it had
coupled up J D bell Zo. So we stared at
it and waited for it to reveal its secrets. It didn't.
I'll go in there any further discussion, Perry Clambert inside
(12:25):
the machine. Anyone tries to close that door, I will
chew off your fingers and hang them from my ear lobes.
Got it, Got it. It's like what a spaceship might
look like, you know, on the inside, something you can
put someone in. And she cast the sun. I can't
really find the back of this thing. Is that a
(12:49):
cold wind coming from? Harry scambled out. He was drenched
in sweat. Okay, Perry very late on the floor and
waved his hand weakly. And we need to recreate the scene.
I'll go You're far too valuable, Benny valuable. We all nodded,
(13:13):
knowing that Mona really meant Benny was far too large
and would never fit through the door. Then Mona raised
your hand. I'll go. No one was surprised. Everyone was shocked,
almost as shocked as Nick. He never volunteered, neither for work,
not playing. Yet here he was wagging his arm and
(13:35):
here as if he had been de boned. Fine, Nick,
and I will go. Mona had clearly asserted himself there
as our leader. The choice was hard to argue with
as a Mona. Here's the plan. I synchronized my lucky
pocket watch with Perry's like he stopped watch. Nick and
I go in and the machine gets turned on for
exactly one minute, then turned off. You open the machine.
(13:57):
If Nick and I are still inside, we go home
for j. D. Belzel and take revenge on Charlie Evans.
If Nick and I are not inside, you wait fifteen
more minutes for a signal from us. If no signal comes,
you go to the police and tell them everything and
take revenge on Charlie Evans. When you get out of
the looney bits. Got it? Got it? Jonica cracked open
(14:17):
the knaps, actually the lugging around it was full of brands,
spanking new scuba gear. What's your flippers? Snorkles? It's been
a garage for years something about my uncle Archie and
the boxes falling off the truck. Uncle Archie got gunned
down here to work a month ago, so I figure
it's not going to be any trouble. Will was a
little reluctant to offer Jonica our condolences for the many
(14:41):
deaths in her family. There was just so many. Nick
went in the machine first. We could hear his rubbery
knees knocking together as he slithered inside. Mona took a
little longer than follow She finally joined Mick and they
squeezed together awkward. They gave us the thumbs up and
(15:01):
slipped on their snorkel masks. I closed the door. I
noticed Nick scoop close with the Mona. When Benny turned
on the jumbo tongue, the machine leapt to life with
a shutter of thump and a long painful road until
I saw Mona clutch Nick's arm, but it was hard
(15:22):
to tell through the foggy glass. Then they were lost
in the phone. It was a flash from inside the mache.
It was so bright we allentary blinding, which is the
same nomber. Two policemen decided to storm inside, flashlights blazing,
guns thrown the short of the two screaming, great, this
(15:42):
is the police. If you move, you will get snot.
None of us moved, but the taller officer glanced at
his pocket. You'll get snot two said snot. You know
what I mean. They don't. The second flash from the machine,
I shouted, and we did. It was like being melted
(16:09):
to some sort of broth, said Nick later, upon his return,
squeezed through to then breathe back to folk fleshing life.
Mona only remembered the tug, the first terrifying tug, not
being able to stop it. They both agreed on the landing,
like like being dropped into the fairy tale socks socks, socks, socks,
(16:34):
mountains and valleys and rivers and lakes and forests of
socks socks falling from the sky, falling along with Nick
and Mona from an invisible key hole in the sky
down through the open mouth at the top of a
granite mountain into a swirling, whirling, tumbling whirlpool of socks
(16:55):
upon socks upon socks. As they plummeted, they could see
a vein like staircase chizzled into the inside walls of
the mountains, winding its way back to the top, getting
Monas by daylight through an approaching crevice. Sucks was filling
out of it like a wound swim. Towards that morning,
(17:17):
Nick caught the lip of the crevice as he rushed
by it and caught Mona. They pulled themselves through and
tumbled out under the slope outside, Sucks continued to gush
out of the crevice, streaming down the mountain side like
an endless, rigulative hosiery acculent. What was that? I don't know.
(17:40):
We have to keep moving the minutes, they drew off
their masks and flippers and wetsuits and stuffed them into
their backpacks. They scrambled and tumbled down the circular to
more level ground, where they paused again to refill their
aching lung. Looking back up the slope, they could see
that the crevice was just one of hundreds of openings
(18:02):
in the side of the mountain, a succulent flowing from each.
Across an expensive rainbow striped plane, they could see the
edge of an ominous forest looming. Mona dash to up
cups of bushes surrounding a tall flowering tree. Nike did
his best to keep up, but Mona was almost flying
(18:27):
the ground is like a trampoline, Nick, do you feel it? Yea?
And the light from the sky. They reached the cops
and pulled up short. At what they saw. Queens growing
from that tree. Look at this bush, Nick, as Mona
(18:47):
plucked an earring and treaded on. Nick. Nelton ran his
fingers through the earth. Up close, he could see the
soil consisted of pieces of things compressed together, pieces of
key spoon coin that sucks. Give me your lucky panic,
what your lucky pen? Give it to me. Why I'm
(19:08):
going to do an experiment, Well, the experiment with something else.
This is my brother Bobby's pen, Mona. You know that
he gave it to me the day he fell off
the Golden Cake. Mona gazed into Nick's blue eyes. She
bettered her baby browns twice. Your lucky pen has your
big brother Bobby's inscription on it, Nick, just like my
(19:31):
lucky pocket watch has from my auntie a Bonita. So
we won't lose them. Okay, okay. Mag came to the
wishes of Queen Ramona of Butcher Town. Sir Nicholas, the
jelly spined rarely stood a chance. Mona took his pen
and immediately buried it in the dirt. Are you out
(19:52):
of your Mona quieted him with a finger and buried
her pocket watching next to his pen. Nick was about
to protest again when the pen and pocket watch had
grown into two full blown bushes. Bushes blossoming with tiny
identical pens and pocket watches. Mona pluck the pen. Nick
(20:13):
plucked a watch. The pen was fat and orange like
a carrot. It has your inscription, Nick, and I think
it has a pulse. The pocket watch was incandescent in
Nick's hand, A lavender mist clung to its plum colored skin.
I think this watch is purring. Mona squeezed the pen,
and orange ink sprayed into the air like a fountain.
(20:37):
The liquid danced and pool on the ground. And excuse me,
what what is it? Can't you see? I'm imparting a story?
What happened to the pencer? The pain wet pin, the
one that grew from the ground in stock lancer to
carrot with a pulse? Oh yes, what about it? I'm
a collective antique pencer and aspiring scrivener. That's very sad.
(21:02):
What happened to it? Sir? It died? Died after many
years of loyal service had finally expired, as we all do,
but not before it transcribed all of the written Lawndorn articles.
A life well written? Yes, especially what pen? A wonderful
life for a pensure? How does the pen die? Heroically? Onward?
(21:28):
Nick and Mona each booked an extra pen and watched
and began spraying ink everywhere, And as the ink sank
back into the ground, sprouting even more bushes and pins
and watchers. The children's hands brushed together, electricity shot through them.
They pulled away. Did you feel that? Yes? I wonder
(21:52):
what would happen if we buried ourselves together? Mona held
out her hand, Nick took it. This time the electricity
wasn't quite so shocking. It was, as a matter of fact,
quite tolerable. The electricity flowed into their toes, into the ground.
(22:13):
Beneath their toes, the ground began to shake, began to
rock row. Music wafted down like snow, and a voice
rose up to it, like a new field of cotton.
It's sometimes ritten before gotten, but getting low, it's just
(22:35):
frost lay the land. Then you know exactly our then,
yes too, will never before gone the soil in which
(23:09):
shijoil he is a very lil foil. Where are for forgetting?
Is for gotten? I fess forgotten more for can we
(23:31):
somebod to surgers? Bad can be like will do again?
(23:53):
Like got beguiling to be guid Let it travel like
a devil God. They pulled away. What was that sount?
(24:16):
What was that song? I don't know? We have to go, Nick,
Look at your watch, both of their newly plucked, plumb
like time pieces. We're still taking away real world seconds,
still synchronized to Perry's lucky stop watch in San Francisco.
We've only been here ten minutes. It feels like it's
been a week. They sprinted up the slope, dodging the
(24:40):
socks tumbling down at them. Just as they reached the
opening in the mountain, something very large and very angry
crashed through the ominous forests below. It was like the
trees now down and bowed. What does that go? Monar
shoved him through the gut in socks, stole a glance back.
(25:03):
A tsunami of shadow was oozing across the rainbow striped play.
The wave rose higher and spread wider. As they group
closer to the mountain. Something shimmered above the ooze the
glowing globe, leading the wave of shadow like a disembodied head.
Monitor herself from the horrific site and followed Nick into
(25:27):
the tumbling white water down At the time they managed
to Koreen through the sock currents, climb up the spiral staircase,
and clamber out onto the lip of the mountain. Their
lungs were burning and muscles were screaming. The black shadow
was oozing up the side of the mountain, and the
(25:47):
socks continued to cascade on them from the invisible keyhole,
now just thirty feet above them. How are we supposed
to reach that? I don't know? How are we supposed
to signal that I don't What are we going to do? Mona?
Stop asking questions I can't answer, Nick? And then it
came to her, still that pen you plugged? Yes in
(26:08):
the jacket? Why? Mona slipped out. She coiled into a
picture's wind up and fired it straight up into the air.
The ven rose hung for a moment, then was inhaled
into the keyholes invisible mall, vanishing with a flash of
thunderous Now hold onto my hand, Nick, Okay. The wave
(26:33):
of duttness was upon the low high of the highn
of the mountain. It wasn't a singular thing at all,
but tens of thousands of black socks moving as one,
a giant hand of shadow opening, What do we do right?
Closing like a fist. Nick and Mona tried to pull free,
tried to scream sucks, and gotten the light twinkling they
(26:59):
had left. Saw the glowing globe hovering above them. Man
was lying face down inside, watching them for the transparent
floor with an elderly man with thick silver whiskers and
long gray hair. He was wearing glasses, glasses the stupid
(27:19):
tape on the frame. His asthmatic laughter grew to a
rackling roar, pressing Nick and Monna together in an embrace.
It's gonna be your head. Nick wasn't, so he kissed her,
and the doctors swallowed them a whole when a bullet
(27:40):
of light split over the black hand, flatching onto the
pen and Nick's jackets tugging the children out of the doctors,
past the dropping sock, past the glowing globe, past the
now no longer laughing man, wiving them up into the
keyhole in the sky, back at the washer turiot. We've
(28:04):
been playing, I didn't. Secret officers tweedledumb and tweeddled. I
managed to say hidden long enough to see another flash
inside the jumped I leaped up and opened the door.
An orange pan was floating inside. I grabbed it, and
as I did, orange ink straight out of the pin
into the bubble water. The liquid coagulated into a jelly
(28:25):
like substance. It began to bubble and hiss shake. I
saw the cold wind rushing at it by the jumbo
free I obeyed, leaving the door open. Turned. I obeyed
and saw that the others had been corralled near the
(28:46):
front door by the taller office. What is that in
your hand? I felt the heat of another flash on
the back of my neck. I ducked. Nick and Mona
shot out of the machine like two silvery kind and
slammed the two, sending them flying in every conceivable director
(29:06):
ron I shouted and pushed the dazed Mona out the door.
The others littered. Nick and were right behind me. We
ran as hard as we could up Giary Boulevard until
Perry ducked into an alley. We followed, gasping for breath.
I happened to Nicky Mona, were you okay, sir. They
(29:29):
were different, taller, their voices were deeper. They walked with
a new confidence. It was as if they had skipped
a year or left one behind. Apparently the same had
happened to j D by a hundredfol After Nick and
Mona recounted their adventure, the group's sentiment became immediately clear.
(29:51):
No one wanted to go back. Then someone blurted out, well,
what if you had been shoved into that machine? I
looked around with the source of the outburst. Everyone was
staring at me, so I continued, are you? Are you
or me? Charlie Evans? Is a cupboard here and so
(30:12):
are we? We had the chance to do something when
it mattered, and we failed. Now we need to make
it right. I say we form an allegiance bent on
one mission. Fine j D. Belzell read for its forgiveness
and bring him back home safely. Who's with me? To
(30:32):
my amazement, everyone cheered and shook their fists in the air.
I shouted to the land abouts and they shouted back
as if it had always been our name. Man must
(30:53):
say that? Must I am not paid to sit on
d Milliam Morcer? Yes, please row to return children on
your honor as new Leo Stitchings, we go that his
(31:23):
fattest pen have ever seen. It is rather plumped well
be scarried pregnancy ym oh. It has a nice inscription
on back. Fancy Let's that say, never be afraid to soar,
Little bird Love Bobby Family Heirloom. You could say that
(31:52):
The Laundronouts are potentially untrue tale based on actual events. Conceived,
written and directed by Owen mackenzie Mitchell, original music, sound
design and editing by Dave McKeever. Produced by Monica Michless
and Dave McKeever. Script supervision and editorial assistance by Christina Bryan.
(32:13):
Casting by Mary Claire Sweeters. Executive producers John Cameron, Mitchell,
ed Asner and Colin Mackenzie Mitchell, starring in order of appearance,
Isaac Robinson Smith as the Man, Mr. Kingman and Officer Ousterhaus,
Alison Fraser as the woman, and Madame Russia ed Asner
(32:36):
as the narrator, Evan Toke as the sister, Max Mitchell
as the brother, London Johnson as Benny Lilly, Resto as
Mona Near von Paul as Nick, Trevor Bernardino as Perry,
Trent Mills as Mr Bill Zell and Officer Owsley Blue
(32:58):
bell Sara Sino as Anica, John Cameron Mitchell as Absentia.
The Laundronts is a collaboration between I Heart Media and
Little Brother Sam Productions. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,
(33:18):
visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you get your podcasts. The Laundronauts is a production of
I heart Radio.
The Laundronots is a production of I Heart Radio. This
is what we remember and remember, this is what it
sounded like. What we couldn't hear, we made up. The
rest of it is true or sometimes machine sometimes machine don't.
(00:31):
That's just the wrong place. Are you attempting to apply,
young lady, that you've never heard of the Laundronots? Is
that what you're attempting to imply. I'm not attempting to
imply anything. I'm telling you I've never heard of that.
What about you, young man? Surely you've heard of the laundronouts.
You're at least nine six or six. You're a veritable
(00:53):
redwood And no, sir, I've never heard of the laundronauts.
Sweet mother or mushal, it's a talasa to in your travesty.
What do you giggle? Girl? I think you're just making
it up. You have the audacity to challenge the voracity
of my audacity, and your captain do you corroborate your
(01:13):
compatriots consternation? I make the think so, sir? Where are
your parents? They went to the liquor store to play
the scratchers? Ohice? Then we wait and when they return
they should be reprimanded within an inch of their lives
for their dereliction of parental duty in this matter. Surely
(01:35):
they must know the time is of the utmost essence
when it comes to the laundronnots. What do you mean
when you turned well? Old memory of the Laundronots goes
into hibernation so as to protect it from the approaching
atrocities of adolescence. And hold, are you your lady five
eight and a half you're the size of a garden. No,
(01:59):
I know, eight and a half years of fertile ground
until you've done fallow child? Do you follow? Excuse me, sir?
What then goes into nat turned twelve? How could our
pants possibly remember to tell us about the londronots where
you're just a regular encyclopedia brow Not no, sir, Because
(02:23):
when those probably prep progeny become parents and incantatory bio
alchemical reaction occurs in their brains, and those londern art
memories come back like a stampede of glubby rumblers filled
with one singular purpose, and one singular purpose alone. What
purpose would that be, sir, to impart the story of
(02:44):
the London knots upon their children? Yes, my dear dads,
to your question, I am a laundrono. I am, in
fact the last of the laundro roots. What happened to be? Sir?
Of course I could. I'm the only one who could now,
(03:08):
But all the rest are gone very well. In prepare yourselves, timblings,
to pay yourselves for the wonder, Prepare yourselves for the weird,
To bear yourselves for everything you have ever ever here
the pair a ruptured, Prepare to be flopped. Prepare yourselves
(03:29):
for the landers. On Saturday, April two nine, at seven
thirty p m. In the knob Hill wash It Turium,
one of the very first wash it turiums in the
history of washer turium. At the corner of Taylor Geary Boulevards,
(03:52):
San Francisco, California, USA, Earth, Johnica, the Fleet, Perry Hennigan,
Bigolas Course, Ramona Rais, Benjamin Kingman and I so Charlie, everything, stuff,
j D. Belzel into the jumbletn washer, close the door,
(04:13):
turn it on and run away. None of us intervened.
We were mostly just afraid. Nick's parents on the place.
Benny's dad was fixing of the plumbing in the basement.
Perry's parents were in the office above, handling some affairs.
(04:34):
The rest of our parents had let us attend to
the tumbling clothes while they smoked and drank and gambled
at the corner liquor store. Seconds after Charlie evans round
the back door, Mr Kingman appeared from the basement looking
for his son Benny shriek and jump, which caused the
(04:54):
rest of us to shriek and jump, which caused everyone
else to rush in from every entrance, skyway, by way,
and coral space. Mr Bellzel clipped off the radio and
turned to us, peering through coke bottle glasses, asking through
clenched grinding teeth, where have you hidden? My son j
(05:16):
D Had been hidden many times before, you see, and
not just by Charlie Heavens. Nick pointed a trembling finger
as a still rumbling jumper frog. Mr belle Zel's face
went from red to blue to a lovely purple hue
rarely found in nature. He flung open the machine and
dove inside. Sumphy water sloshed out as he began searching frantically,
(05:40):
his stumpy legs kicking in the air. His curses muffled.
It was as if a giant metal frog was eating him.
He was finally burped back out and spun to us, dripping,
red faced and huffing. Where is j D? Mona strove
forward peered inside the still steaming washer. Her face turned
(06:04):
as I moved her aside. Nothing but bubble water, j D.
The others showed me as high. Their reactions were uniforms shock,
and someone blurted out just kidding. Telly Evans gave j
D a royal snuggy, and then they ran off down
(06:25):
the street. I might have been the one who blurted
that out. You all know j D has that condition,
and we did so. We were dragged to our respective
homes and thrashed and grounded and told to pray for
j D's soul in our own to boot. J D's
(06:45):
picture was in the paper the next day, Local Boy Missing.
It was the same photo they used in Saint Xavier's
elementary year book for the last three years, the one
with his stupid taped up by glasses. It made me, said,
it made Benny man. I want a piece of Charlie Ins,
(07:07):
a big old chunk of something that can chew on
and grad. We need to figure out a plan first.
Mona kept us hold in line, relax and focus. Oh,
I'm focused. I'm already working on an algorithm of revenge.
Her in sideways, Benny, I want to warm my hands
in the steam coming out of your ears. Nick. Sorry,
(07:29):
we'll pack me in a suitcase and ship me the
Kalamazoo because kiss meant ain't nothing but a state of mind. Folks, Hush, Harry.
We really could decipher what Perry was saying, but it
usually made us laugh, So we find it. Don't you
first have to have a mind, Perry, Oh, most of did.
(07:50):
He's still hoping. Santa is going to bring you a
personality for Christmas. Nick Assess the guy with no middle name.
My parents couldn't afford one, se Nick and suffered from
an interminable case of short eight old guy syndrome. Both
symbiotic and parasitic in nature, The relationship created ample opportunity
(08:10):
for slide insults, and heartfelt camaraderie. Jonica, you got Charlie.
Jonica's ultrashiness made her almost invisible at times, which gave
her the most humor like of shadowing skills. She quickly
sussed that Charlie had been interviewed by the police and
released due to lack of evidence. He was soon back
(08:33):
on the prowl at Saint X, incessantly lurking and lingering
nearby in the shadows. We agreed to meet back at
the knob Hill was a trium that Sunday night. It
would be Easter and our parents would be unconscious by sunset.
It would be the perfect evening to try and raise J. D.
(08:54):
Belzel from the dead. But before we do that, children,
before we venture any deeper into this dark and decidedly
deceptive diagrama, the two of you, young simbles, must first
be fully oath for your protection. At yes, fully, that
(09:19):
sounds painful. The oath you're about to take not only
bind you forever to every duly oath stitchy before you.
It also lodges an incantatory bioelchemical suggestion into your head
that will sink and slumber deep in the warm recesses
(09:41):
of your brain wrinkles until your twelfth birthday, when the
oath shall reawaken as a great and ravenous wabbly gobbler. Ready, ah,
you must say it word for word, breath for breath,
note for an out, as I say it, now begotten
(10:04):
or grotten, so forgotten to be sotten. Cotton has gotten russell.
Now you begotten modern cotton has sotgotten the bees forgotten
cotton rotten. That was horrible. An incantation is as much
(10:25):
about melody as it is about magic. Now listen, I
begotten or brotten, so forgotten that the sotten cotton has
gotten rotten, grottenotten, and cotton has gotten rotten, marginally less mangled,
scarcely sufficient and reluctantly ratified. Come this day forward, you're
(10:53):
both stitchlings. This is a great rivileged children. Stitchlings are
allowed to a door and revere laundering out Premiere and
of her, while also tending to more menial concerns. Whatever
called upon, will we ever get to bed, sir? Everything
(11:15):
onward resembled that easter, even the dark alley behind the washerturium.
Perry took one look at the locked back door, announced,
I'll be right back, Perry, but he was already shimming
up the drainpipe, Titros being the ledge, unlatching the window
(11:40):
and leaping inside. In an almost cartoonishly short amount of time,
the door swung open, revealing our intrepid explorer, grinning ear
to ear basket gat no da Gama on me. My
parents owned the place, you idiot. I have a key. Well,
now we have a plan. D We gathered the JumboTron
(12:01):
three times the size of the other machines. When it moved,
the ground shook, her roughtest groaned, and somehow it had
coupled up J D bell Zo. So we stared at
it and waited for it to reveal its secrets. It didn't.
I'll go in there any further discussion, Perry Clambert inside
(12:25):
the machine. Anyone tries to close that door, I will
chew off your fingers and hang them from my ear lobes.
Got it, Got it. It's like what a spaceship might
look like, you know, on the inside, something you can
put someone in. And she cast the sun. I can't
really find the back of this thing. Is that a
(12:49):
cold wind coming from? Harry scambled out. He was drenched
in sweat. Okay, Perry very late on the floor and
waved his hand weakly. And we need to recreate the scene.
I'll go You're far too valuable, Benny valuable. We all nodded,
(13:13):
knowing that Mona really meant Benny was far too large
and would never fit through the door. Then Mona raised
your hand. I'll go. No one was surprised. Everyone was shocked,
almost as shocked as Nick. He never volunteered, neither for work,
not playing. Yet here he was wagging his arm and
(13:35):
here as if he had been de boned. Fine, Nick,
and I will go. Mona had clearly asserted himself there
as our leader. The choice was hard to argue with
as a Mona. Here's the plan. I synchronized my lucky
pocket watch with Perry's like he stopped watch. Nick and
I go in and the machine gets turned on for
exactly one minute, then turned off. You open the machine.
(13:57):
If Nick and I are still inside, we go home
for j. D. Belzel and take revenge on Charlie Evans.
If Nick and I are not inside, you wait fifteen
more minutes for a signal from us. If no signal comes,
you go to the police and tell them everything and
take revenge on Charlie Evans. When you get out of
the looney bits. Got it? Got it? Jonica cracked open
(14:17):
the knaps, actually the lugging around it was full of brands,
spanking new scuba gear. What's your flippers? Snorkles? It's been
a garage for years something about my uncle Archie and
the boxes falling off the truck. Uncle Archie got gunned
down here to work a month ago, so I figure
it's not going to be any trouble. Will was a
little reluctant to offer Jonica our condolences for the many
(14:41):
deaths in her family. There was just so many. Nick
went in the machine first. We could hear his rubbery
knees knocking together as he slithered inside. Mona took a
little longer than follow She finally joined Mick and they
squeezed together awkward. They gave us the thumbs up and
(15:01):
slipped on their snorkel masks. I closed the door. I
noticed Nick scoop close with the Mona. When Benny turned
on the jumbo tongue, the machine leapt to life with
a shutter of thump and a long painful road until
I saw Mona clutch Nick's arm, but it was hard
(15:22):
to tell through the foggy glass. Then they were lost
in the phone. It was a flash from inside the mache.
It was so bright we allentary blinding, which is the
same nomber. Two policemen decided to storm inside, flashlights blazing,
guns thrown the short of the two screaming, great, this
(15:42):
is the police. If you move, you will get snot.
None of us moved, but the taller officer glanced at
his pocket. You'll get snot two said snot. You know
what I mean. They don't. The second flash from the machine,
I shouted, and we did. It was like being melted
(16:09):
to some sort of broth, said Nick later, upon his return,
squeezed through to then breathe back to folk fleshing life.
Mona only remembered the tug, the first terrifying tug, not
being able to stop it. They both agreed on the landing,
like like being dropped into the fairy tale socks socks, socks, socks,
(16:34):
mountains and valleys and rivers and lakes and forests of
socks socks falling from the sky, falling along with Nick
and Mona from an invisible key hole in the sky
down through the open mouth at the top of a
granite mountain into a swirling, whirling, tumbling whirlpool of socks
(16:55):
upon socks upon socks. As they plummeted, they could see
a vein like staircase chizzled into the inside walls of
the mountains, winding its way back to the top, getting
Monas by daylight through an approaching crevice. Sucks was filling
out of it like a wound swim. Towards that morning,
(17:17):
Nick caught the lip of the crevice as he rushed
by it and caught Mona. They pulled themselves through and
tumbled out under the slope outside, Sucks continued to gush
out of the crevice, streaming down the mountain side like
an endless, rigulative hosiery acculent. What was that? I don't know.
(17:40):
We have to keep moving the minutes, they drew off
their masks and flippers and wetsuits and stuffed them into
their backpacks. They scrambled and tumbled down the circular to
more level ground, where they paused again to refill their
aching lung. Looking back up the slope, they could see
that the crevice was just one of hundreds of openings
(18:02):
in the side of the mountain, a succulent flowing from each.
Across an expensive rainbow striped plane, they could see the
edge of an ominous forest looming. Mona dash to up
cups of bushes surrounding a tall flowering tree. Nike did
his best to keep up, but Mona was almost flying
(18:27):
the ground is like a trampoline, Nick, do you feel it? Yea?
And the light from the sky. They reached the cops
and pulled up short. At what they saw. Queens growing
from that tree. Look at this bush, Nick, as Mona
(18:47):
plucked an earring and treaded on. Nick. Nelton ran his
fingers through the earth. Up close, he could see the
soil consisted of pieces of things compressed together, pieces of
key spoon coin that sucks. Give me your lucky panic,
what your lucky pen? Give it to me. Why I'm
(19:08):
going to do an experiment, Well, the experiment with something else.
This is my brother Bobby's pen, Mona. You know that
he gave it to me the day he fell off
the Golden Cake. Mona gazed into Nick's blue eyes. She
bettered her baby browns twice. Your lucky pen has your
big brother Bobby's inscription on it, Nick, just like my
(19:31):
lucky pocket watch has from my auntie a Bonita. So
we won't lose them. Okay, okay. Mag came to the
wishes of Queen Ramona of Butcher Town. Sir Nicholas, the
jelly spined rarely stood a chance. Mona took his pen
and immediately buried it in the dirt. Are you out
(19:52):
of your Mona quieted him with a finger and buried
her pocket watching next to his pen. Nick was about
to protest again when the pen and pocket watch had
grown into two full blown bushes. Bushes blossoming with tiny
identical pens and pocket watches. Mona pluck the pen. Nick
(20:13):
plucked a watch. The pen was fat and orange like
a carrot. It has your inscription, Nick, and I think
it has a pulse. The pocket watch was incandescent in
Nick's hand, A lavender mist clung to its plum colored skin.
I think this watch is purring. Mona squeezed the pen,
and orange ink sprayed into the air like a fountain.
(20:37):
The liquid danced and pool on the ground. And excuse me,
what what is it? Can't you see? I'm imparting a story?
What happened to the pencer? The pain wet pin, the
one that grew from the ground in stock lancer to
carrot with a pulse? Oh yes, what about it? I'm
a collective antique pencer and aspiring scrivener. That's very sad.
(21:02):
What happened to it? Sir? It died? Died after many
years of loyal service had finally expired, as we all do,
but not before it transcribed all of the written Lawndorn articles.
A life well written? Yes, especially what pen? A wonderful
life for a pensure? How does the pen die? Heroically? Onward?
(21:28):
Nick and Mona each booked an extra pen and watched
and began spraying ink everywhere, And as the ink sank
back into the ground, sprouting even more bushes and pins
and watchers. The children's hands brushed together, electricity shot through them.
They pulled away. Did you feel that? Yes? I wonder
(21:52):
what would happen if we buried ourselves together? Mona held
out her hand, Nick took it. This time the electricity
wasn't quite so shocking. It was, as a matter of fact,
quite tolerable. The electricity flowed into their toes, into the ground.
(22:13):
Beneath their toes, the ground began to shake, began to
rock row. Music wafted down like snow, and a voice
rose up to it, like a new field of cotton.
It's sometimes ritten before gotten, but getting low, it's just
(22:35):
frost lay the land. Then you know exactly our then,
yes too, will never before gone the soil in which
(23:09):
shijoil he is a very lil foil. Where are for forgetting?
Is for gotten? I fess forgotten more for can we
(23:31):
somebod to surgers? Bad can be like will do again?
(23:53):
Like got beguiling to be guid Let it travel like
a devil God. They pulled away. What was that sount?
(24:16):
What was that song? I don't know? We have to go, Nick,
Look at your watch, both of their newly plucked, plumb
like time pieces. We're still taking away real world seconds,
still synchronized to Perry's lucky stop watch in San Francisco.
We've only been here ten minutes. It feels like it's
been a week. They sprinted up the slope, dodging the
(24:40):
socks tumbling down at them. Just as they reached the
opening in the mountain, something very large and very angry
crashed through the ominous forests below. It was like the
trees now down and bowed. What does that go? Monar
shoved him through the gut in socks, stole a glance back.
(25:03):
A tsunami of shadow was oozing across the rainbow striped play.
The wave rose higher and spread wider. As they group
closer to the mountain. Something shimmered above the ooze the
glowing globe, leading the wave of shadow like a disembodied head.
Monitor herself from the horrific site and followed Nick into
(25:27):
the tumbling white water down At the time they managed
to Koreen through the sock currents, climb up the spiral staircase,
and clamber out onto the lip of the mountain. Their
lungs were burning and muscles were screaming. The black shadow
was oozing up the side of the mountain, and the
(25:47):
socks continued to cascade on them from the invisible keyhole,
now just thirty feet above them. How are we supposed
to reach that? I don't know? How are we supposed
to signal that I don't What are we going to do? Mona?
Stop asking questions I can't answer, Nick? And then it
came to her, still that pen you plugged? Yes in
(26:08):
the jacket? Why? Mona slipped out. She coiled into a
picture's wind up and fired it straight up into the air.
The ven rose hung for a moment, then was inhaled
into the keyholes invisible mall, vanishing with a flash of
thunderous Now hold onto my hand, Nick, Okay. The wave
(26:33):
of duttness was upon the low high of the highn
of the mountain. It wasn't a singular thing at all,
but tens of thousands of black socks moving as one,
a giant hand of shadow opening, What do we do right?
Closing like a fist. Nick and Mona tried to pull free,
tried to scream sucks, and gotten the light twinkling they
(26:59):
had left. Saw the glowing globe hovering above them. Man
was lying face down inside, watching them for the transparent
floor with an elderly man with thick silver whiskers and
long gray hair. He was wearing glasses, glasses the stupid
(27:19):
tape on the frame. His asthmatic laughter grew to a
rackling roar, pressing Nick and Monna together in an embrace.
It's gonna be your head. Nick wasn't, so he kissed her,
and the doctors swallowed them a whole when a bullet
(27:40):
of light split over the black hand, flatching onto the
pen and Nick's jackets tugging the children out of the doctors,
past the dropping sock, past the glowing globe, past the
now no longer laughing man, wiving them up into the
keyhole in the sky, back at the washer turiot. We've
(28:04):
been playing, I didn't. Secret officers tweedledumb and tweeddled. I
managed to say hidden long enough to see another flash
inside the jumped I leaped up and opened the door.
An orange pan was floating inside. I grabbed it, and
as I did, orange ink straight out of the pin
into the bubble water. The liquid coagulated into a jelly
(28:25):
like substance. It began to bubble and hiss shake. I
saw the cold wind rushing at it by the jumbo
free I obeyed, leaving the door open. Turned. I obeyed
and saw that the others had been corralled near the
(28:46):
front door by the taller office. What is that in
your hand? I felt the heat of another flash on
the back of my neck. I ducked. Nick and Mona
shot out of the machine like two silvery kind and
slammed the two, sending them flying in every conceivable director
(29:06):
ron I shouted and pushed the dazed Mona out the door.
The others littered. Nick and were right behind me. We
ran as hard as we could up Giary Boulevard until
Perry ducked into an alley. We followed, gasping for breath.
I happened to Nicky Mona, were you okay, sir. They
(29:29):
were different, taller, their voices were deeper. They walked with
a new confidence. It was as if they had skipped
a year or left one behind. Apparently the same had
happened to j D by a hundredfol After Nick and
Mona recounted their adventure, the group's sentiment became immediately clear.
(29:51):
No one wanted to go back. Then someone blurted out, well,
what if you had been shoved into that machine? I
looked around with the source of the outburst. Everyone was
staring at me, so I continued, are you? Are you
or me? Charlie Evans? Is a cupboard here and so
(30:12):
are we? We had the chance to do something when
it mattered, and we failed. Now we need to make
it right. I say we form an allegiance bent on
one mission. Fine j D. Belzell read for its forgiveness
and bring him back home safely. Who's with me? To
(30:32):
my amazement, everyone cheered and shook their fists in the air.
I shouted to the land abouts and they shouted back
as if it had always been our name. Man must
(30:53):
say that? Must I am not paid to sit on
d Milliam Morcer? Yes, please row to return children on
your honor as new Leo Stitchings, we go that his
(31:23):
fattest pen have ever seen. It is rather plumped well
be scarried pregnancy ym oh. It has a nice inscription
on back. Fancy Let's that say, never be afraid to soar,
Little bird Love Bobby Family Heirloom. You could say that
(31:52):
The Laundronouts are potentially untrue tale based on actual events. Conceived,
written and directed by Owen mackenzie Mitchell, original music, sound
design and editing by Dave McKeever. Produced by Monica Michless
and Dave McKeever. Script supervision and editorial assistance by Christina Bryan.
(32:13):
Casting by Mary Claire Sweeters. Executive producers John Cameron, Mitchell,
ed Asner and Colin Mackenzie Mitchell, starring in order of appearance,
Isaac Robinson Smith as the Man, Mr. Kingman and Officer Ousterhaus,
Alison Fraser as the woman, and Madame Russia ed Asner
(32:36):
as the narrator, Evan Toke as the sister, Max Mitchell
as the brother, London Johnson as Benny Lilly, Resto as
Mona Near von Paul as Nick, Trevor Bernardino as Perry,
Trent Mills as Mr Bill Zell and Officer Owsley Blue
(32:58):
bell Sara Sino as Anica, John Cameron Mitchell as Absentia.
The Laundronts is a collaboration between I Heart Media and
Little Brother Sam Productions. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,
(33:18):
visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you get your podcasts. The Laundronauts is a production of
I heart Radio.
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