June 28, 2025 • 22 mins
In this week’s Yahoo “Ask Amy & T.J.” column, a reader asks whether he should pursue a relationship with a 40-year age difference. Hear what Amy and T.J. really think about their situation and what thousands of you had to say in the comment section… this one really got people talking with some strong opinions! To read their weekly column Ask Amy & T.J., head to Yahoo News https://yhoo.it/AskAmyAndTJ
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, there are folks. Somebody by the name of C
and R wrote to us wanting all of our relationship advice.
So what's the relationship issue? He says, I'm fifty nine,
she's nineteen. Now what well? Robox initial thoughts yikes, my
(00:22):
initial take, yikes. And welcome to this relationship edition of
Amy and TJ. We take on a question from our
weekly Yahoo advice colin, which you can find in the
Life section of Yahoo dot com and Robes. This first
one before we get into the details. When somebody hears
fifty nine year old man nineteen year old girl, what
(00:43):
are they? And I said girl. I didn't even say woman, right,
that was just an accidental slip. But that's what you think.
I hear teenager? But what do you think Most people
think fifty nine nineteen? They mentally go to what you think?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
That he's in it for the sex and she's in
it for the money.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
That was more succinct than I thought you were going
to be.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
That is where most people go and they think who's
getting what out of this relationship because it doesn't seem
like one that would be natural. A lot of people say,
what do you have in common? So what would be
the motivation, and that's typically where people's minds go to.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
All right, and this again, this person goes by c
and R wrote into us on our Yahoo column, and
ropes take them through the actual full scenario that he gave.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Yes. So this is what CNR asked us, Amy and TJ.
I'm fifty nine, she is nineteen. I'll wait while you
shake off the obvious initial reaction, the one that says
I'm a predator or at best simply with this young woman.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Because of the sex.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
She and I have found intimacy at a level we
never thought existed while navigating the complexity of falling in love.
You guys, could not be more correct. Love is indeed messy.
Finding the courage to step off the cliff of settling
for less in hopes of experiencing the kind of love
that even the best poets, artists, and musicians can't fully describe,
(02:07):
is paralyzing. She and I are currently standing on that cliff.
Can you offer some non judgmental feedback about how or
whether to pursue this relationship. Hope to hear from you,
and congratulations on stepping off that cliff yourselves.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
I okay, non judgment We should start there, right, non judgmental.
If you're not hurting yourself or hurting somebody else, do
your thing. So people are into or they're into. And
also the other thing we should say here love comes
in all kinds of forms, and we're not here to
judge it. So we have to start.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
There absolutely completely agree.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Okay, And all we have to go on is are
the details that he gave us. So we're going to
get into some comments that and this was our biggest
response we've gotten. Right.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
We had three and a half thousand comments in counting.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
So yes, a lot of folks wait in.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Oh at the time of this recording, thousands of you
wait in.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
But our advice initially when my reaction was I couldn't,
in good conscious conscience say to him, go for it, buddy,
You just can't. As parents, you think about kids. We
have a nineteen year old in the house all the time,
all the time. She's a freshman in college. But analyst
just went off to college. She is nineteen right now,
(03:29):
to think about what she is doing in her life,
going to work as a barista, can't wait to get
off work so she can go to happy hour with
her friends. Can't wait till then go out with her friend. Oh,
I'm going over to Brooklyn and she's doing kid things,
and at the same time, she has to call you
at least twice a week with an emergency because she
can't find her keys.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Twice a week. I was like, twice a day, okay.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
But the points she's a kid, an absolute kid, and
to think about a fifty nine year old man, My
initial thought was just there seems to be so much
of her life she's missing out on by being with
a fifty nine year old man. What do you want
to take that from her? I'm trying to embrace the
love and the idea of it, but this is just difficult.
(04:10):
And that was kind of my summary of what my
thought was.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Yeah, and again I am also fully supportive of grown
adults doing what they want to do and not basing
their decisions on what other people think of them. However,
I understand where he's coming from in the sense that,
of course people are going to roll their eyes, and
of course people are going to assume the worst, and
I don't want to do that. But yes, I do
(04:34):
have a nineteen year old so I do have some
perspective as to what nineteen year olds. I remember being nineteen,
but when you're nineteen, you think you're so much older
than you are. And the thing I've always told my daughters,
and it drives them crazy, is you don't know what
you don't know. And I'm sure he, as a fifty
nine year.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Old, fully understands that as well. And so I really don't.
Speaker 3 (04:54):
Think it's as much about an age gap as it
is her age. If this were happening ten years from now,
when he was sixty nine and she was twenty nine,
I might feel a little bit differently about it, because
she would have had her twenties to kind of figure
out who she is, and we're always figuring out who
we are. I get that, but I think this is
more of a power imbalance too, And maybe he would
(05:15):
say that's not a part of it, but how could
it not be. And so that makes me a little
bit nervous for her and maybe even for him too,
because you don't want to be with someone who you
are controlling or who you have control over, even if
you're not trying to exert that control.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
It kind of has to exist.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Maybe yes, from a financial standpoint, but also just from
an experience standpoint. There is a huge experience gap, and
that would be the biggest concern for me.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
The line here, I mean the way he puts it.
He said, we have found intimacy at a level we
never thought existed while navigating the complexity of falling in love.
She doesn't have any idea what falling in love is.
That young lady has no idea about a level of
(06:03):
intimacy that she's never had before because she's never had it.
She's nineteen. I don't care what experience in relationships she's
had the past several years of her life, when she's
been dating her little junior high school boyfriend or whatever.
It just doesn't compare. So he sounds passionate and enthusia.
He might believe what he's saying. How could she have
(06:25):
the same experience?
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Yes, And I will say, as a fifty two year old,
I have never had the level of intimacy that I've
had with you. But I have, you know, at least
thirty five plus years of experience in relationships to compare
it to. So she clearly does not. And we're always
(06:46):
learning and we're always growing. But I think when you
start talking about poets and movies and songs, I know
what that feeling is, and that's infatuation, is it not?
Because love to me is when all of that maybe
even quiets down, and it's that beautiful connection and commitment
and friendship and partnership that ensusan Yes, you can have
(07:08):
the sexual attraction, but that initial youphoric burst that is
more a feeling of being in love versus a feeling
of actually loving someone.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
We don't have a time here, so we don't know
how long.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
They are actually, well, I would get it, hope it
would only be a year.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
A year because she years plus.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Maybe we just hope she would. Yes, we would hope
that she was eighteen.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
So let's just fifty eight eighteen sounds worse it.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Actually does, but let's just assume, because I'm going to
assume that he did not decide to date her until
she was at least eighteen, So they've got a year,
year and a half tops.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Okay, one more thing before we get into the comments
and the thoughts that people wrote in into us about
can we go and try have you tried to take
him at everything at his word at its face, that
this is real and this is true and these two
people are genuinely in love and now what do we
(08:03):
do with it?
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Yeah, and you know what, Only they know that. Only
they know that.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
And I would never say that isn't possible, because I
have certainly met nineteen year olds who are old souls.
And we've all met younger folks who act and really
kind of react in a much more mature way than
a lot of older folks do.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
So that is true.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
And then there older folks who stay young. I mean,
I think I'm one.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Of those people. I feel like I act and.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
I'm hopefully not throwing myself under the bus here, but yeah,
I act younger than my age. I enjoy things that
a lot of folks my age don't enjoy. So my
friends tend to be younger because that's just how I roll.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
So I'm if I a younger boyfriend, I do have
a younger boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
No, it sounds like you need a younger A younger boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Oh no, I think four and a half years is perfect.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
No, you need much younger, as youthful as you say
you are.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
No, no, no, no for it.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
It's not like I'm going to be able to keep
up with you.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
Uh No, I think we're matched in energy, and I
do think that that is part of it. So maybe
he is, you know, looking for excitement, and he has
that energy and that spark about him. And maybe she
likes to stay home and watch Netflix and chill and
she's not about going to the clubs and partying. But
you know, so much changes. You can be one thing
at nineteen, another thing at twenty three, and a whole
(09:24):
other thing at twenty five. You know, It's just that's
what I would be concerned about if I were him.
How much is she going to change? He's kind of
where he is and where he's going to be.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
She's nineteen.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
She's nineteen.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
She doesn't even know all the things she wants from Sophora.
Yet she doesn't. She doesn't know what sports she's really into.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
She can't order a beer, yeah, and she.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Doesn't know I can't. How can you date someone when
they ask what are you guys drinking? And they actually
don't know what their options are?
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Right?
Speaker 2 (09:55):
She can't rent a car.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
She can no twenty five.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Yes, she can't rent a house. She can't get a
verbo or an airbnb. I when you start putting that
into perspective, there's a reason why all of these stop
gaps are put in place. She's not considered capable of
making serious decisions like getting a drink or getting behind
the wheel of a hurts vehicle. There are reasons why
(10:20):
those safety precautions are put in place and having age restrictions,
and I just would maybe keep that in mind. When
you're fifty nine, you do understand this, but I understand
you can get swept up in the feelings and maybe
it is real.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I don't want to say it.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Is authentic, and those can be authentic. The next thing
is just what do you do about it. It's just
a tough one. We certainly wish them the best, but
a lot of people. Again, like we said, thousands of
folks wrote in and people were dying to chime in
on this. When we come back quick break here. When
we come back, we're going to tell you. We're going
to read for you some of the comments, and they
went a few different directions. One was yes, this must
(10:56):
be about money. Another theme was hey, adult, do you
And then somebody that goes by the name of B
Diddy wrote in to us and actually brought it all home.
Stay here and.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Welcome back everyone to this edition of Ask Amy and TJ.
We are talking about our latest Yahoo Life column, our
relationship advice column, where C and R wrote into us
asking about his relationship. Yeah, he's fifty nine, she's nineteen,
and you all had a lot to say about it.
We're going to start with RJ, who wrote into the
(11:39):
Yahoo page and said this, don't know why he's even asking.
Just enjoy it while you can. Age is just a number.
I'm fifty eight and he put this in quotes. I'm
not really I'm not really sure what this means. And
date many under thirty year old.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
You know what he means.
Speaker 3 (11:57):
I know what he means. He likes to have some
situationships with many under thirty year old's youngest being nineteen,
So while he really does know what CNR is going
through now twenty and I've dated five to ten years older.
You can have lots in common with people of all ages.
You can fall in love with anyone and it's just fine, Yolo,
(12:19):
live your life for you and don't worry about other people.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
I am initially fascinated that he's dated someone who is nineteen,
but al somebody ten years younger. He's dated women in
the range between nineteen and sixty nine years.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Old, just about that's wild.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Wow, he's got to pick a lane. We need him
to pick alane.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Actually, I think he just really likes women.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
How about this Robes. Isn't there something to that? He's
just speaking strictly, not thinking about the woman at all,
not thinking about the young lady at all. And just
from the guy's perspective, you know what, man, if you
got a nineteen year old is willing to date you,
congratulations right, But.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
And he put again the date in parentheses or sorry,
in quotations. So my thought is, yes, I totally applaud
his yolo. I certainly subscribe to living your life and
not worrying what other people think. But I don't know
how best. I don't know the best advice he's giving,
because he wasn't. He doesn't seem like he's looking for
love or a relationship or a partner. I think he's
(13:19):
looking for fun, and that's fine too. So it did
seem that C and R is looking for love, is
looking for a partner, is looking for a.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Long term love.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
So r J's advice really isn't helpful.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
And to this RJ is just like man play the field.
It's fun. Taken from me, I'm having a blast.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Okay, now we got the locker room talk, by of
the way. The next was Nicholas, and didn't you point
out that it's a bunch of dudes?
Speaker 3 (13:44):
Yes, okay, every time we look at the common every
time this is our third column. But I have been
fascinated that more it seems.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I mean, I guess.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
Women could say their name is a man's name, but
because it's all anonymous technically, but it seems like more men, significantly,
more men write in comments than women.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
I would have thought it was the opposite.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Well, Nicholas chimed in this one ropes I would say this,
I think is probably the opinion most people have. This
one makes most sense to me, and Nicholas writes quote
anytime both parties are consenting adults, the answer is yes.
Now will it ever actually work? Highly unlikely.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Yes, that's kind of it. I kind of feel like
he nailed it.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
Nicholas nailed it because really, I mean, look, normally, I
would say, hey, it's no one's business. And we have
said this before, because we've got the Bill Belichick situation
going on. That's a forty nine year age difference correct
between him and his girlfriend, and we have both said publicly, Hey,
let them do what they want to do.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Who are we to judge?
Speaker 3 (14:48):
S and R is actually asking what we think, and
so I actually think that is probably the best answer.
You are consenting adults. Yes, if you want to go
for it, and you both want to go for it,
then go.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
No one's stopping you. You're not breaking any laws.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
But you got a lot up against you. There's the point.
There's a lot up against We haven't talked about friends
and family and what that difficulty is. I mean, he's
going to go to our high school graduation, to a
graduation party, to a college graduation party, and all those
kinds of things where older than the parents.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
I was going to say, everyone is going to assume
that's her father, and I come from a family where
this is kind of crazy. But my grandparents were forty
when I was born, so they were My grandma was
in twenty one when she had my dad, and my
dad was nineteen when he had me. So that's really
bizarre to think that I could have been dating my grandpa.
(15:38):
So I have a skewed, skewed perspective just from that situation.
It's a little e for me, but that's just my
personal opinion. I never really liked older man. Case in point,
I'm dating a younger man.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
This thing was sideways fast. I can't Oh, but I do.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Want to say one more thing, because you made something,
you made a really good point. We have we've walked
this walk.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Relationships are hard, even if you have a lot in common,
even if you come from the same background, from the
same hometown, and you're about the same age, and you've
had similar life experiences.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
It's still so hard.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
And then you add if you've got a religious difference,
that makes it harder. You've got a racial difference. We've
experienced that it makes it harder. Would you not agree?
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Oh yeah, it does? Hell yeah, Look every little what
There are some things you sign up for that are
going to be challenges, but there are some things you
should sometimes you know better than to sign up for.
And is what love? Have you proven? A love so much?
Has it been tested? That's the line. Faith that has
not been tested cannot be trusted. Well, love that has
(16:43):
not been tested is difficult to trust as well. What
have they gone through as a couple, right, Somebody losing
the job, somebody having to move, somebody having an illness,
So all these things that they just haven't experienced yet.
It's possible, but it's just unlikely, is what someone say.
Can we finally hear from a woman?
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Then yes, Lara, we got a woman who chimed in Lara.
I actually had to search for a woman's name, Lara.
I'm assuming this is a woman, so she's gonna represent
and she commented, I think where a lot of you
all might be the only question that needs to be
asked is how much money you have and are giving her.
If money weren't involved, which one hundred percent guarantee it is,
(17:25):
and you were poor, you wouldn't have a nineteen year
old girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
I don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
Maybe he's super hot, maybe.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Super hot and poor.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Or he's super or he's super charismatic. Maybe he's super funny.
A lot of women like funny men. But maybe Look,
there's a lot of maybes. She could have a missing
part of her heart. She may want a father figure,
she may have missed out on that in her life,
and she wants to feel protected, she wants to feel safe,
and he makes her feel all of those things. There
are more things.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Maybe, well, maybe he just a normal guy. Yeah, with
a normal job and looks normal and she's just a
normal girl. I just want to make sure we insert
that possibility that there is nothing extreme or extraordinary. Yes,
maybe she's the rich one. I don't know what's happening.
I just don't know.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
Yeah, it depends on her background and what she's experienced,
and the types of relationships she's seen and the type
of boys. I should say, because they were boys, I'm
assuming who she dated before, But I really do. This
kind of takes me to a place where I do
think the older I get in life. Yes, of course,
some women are looking for money, and that's the security
they're looking for. But I think most women, and I
(18:38):
think most people are looking for emotional safety. And if
she feels emotionally safe with him, she feels like she
hit the jackpot, no matter how.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Old he is and no matter how much money has.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
I think that's absolutely possible.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
It's not about money, So Lara, I get it, And
that is a very easy thing to go to and
it could possibly be true, but I think it could
be more than that.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
The last one we'll give you here from someone who
robes kind of has apparently walked the walk and came
here to talk the talk, and I appreciate it actually
as open as B Ditty is what the name is.
But B Diddy wrote in with this.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
Yes, he said, when I was forty four, three years
after my divorce, I found myself getting involved with a
gorgeous nineteen year old.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
He says, she pursued me.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
She was not just willing, but seeking a physical relationship
as well as romantic. Now I'm thinking I hit the lottery.
This is the dream, right. This wasn't daddy issues or anything.
She was smart, going to school, had a job, and
by no means am I rich. So there was no
gold digging going on. But when it came down to it,
(19:44):
I couldn't do that to her. She's still two or
three years from being able to go to the club,
and I'm well past my bar hopping days. I don't
want to deny her any opportunities. I know some people
say just let her go on her own. Couples don't
have to do everything together, but eventually she'll want to
do stuff with her boyfriend, and I don't want her
to choose me over all the experiences she should be
(20:07):
having in her twenties. It's not an age gap, it's
a life experience one. And I'm not saying it can't work,
but it's so rare that it can work. I wish
them luck. That is so well said. And somebody who's
walked the walk, yes.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Has been through it. And that's why I had to
sit up and have to pay attention and have to
respect what b didd he said. That was my comment
at the end of our column said, if you love
that girl, you might have to let that girl go. Yeah,
and that's tough, but that's if this was a friend
of mine fifty eight or fifty nine day to nineteen
year old, that's the conversation I would have my man.
(20:42):
Conversation about her is not about him? Hey, is she
going to be there for you? Is she going to
take care of you?
Speaker 3 (20:46):
No?
Speaker 1 (20:46):
No, no, be about what are you doing to her?
What is her life going to look like? So I
appreciated that person writing in and if all that's true,
then being as open as they were about it.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Yeah. And you know, we had a friend a couple
that had a very large age gap, but she was
in her thirties and he was in his sixties. He
was older than her father, and they made it work
for about five years. But eventually, exactly what b Didty
is talking about happened. She decided she did want to
have kids. She decided she did want to do things
(21:18):
that he just wasn't going to be able to provide
her at his age, or he wasn't willing to provide her,
including kids. So those are all discussions at nineteen. Did
you even know if he wanted to have kids or not?
I mean I kind of said I didn't when I
was nineteen, but then I changed my mind.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
And you got those two little angels.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Now They're so perfect, aren't they.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
But we want to we want to thank CNR for
writing in and for everyone who continues to ask us questions.
That is certainly, well, that's our coffee machine going.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Off, that's my coffee.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Sure, and yes, and it's late in the afternoon, so
I needed a little pick me up during the afternoon,
So sorry about that. But no, we we do encourage
people to write in because it gets us thinking. But
it gets everyone thinking about what matters and what helps
make relationships better, So we appreciate it. And yeah, keep
on commenting too, because we're loving the comments. They certainly
(22:12):
keep the conversation going, So thanks for listening. To this
edition of Amy and TJ. We will see you soon.
Hey, there are folks. Somebody by the name of C
and R wrote to us wanting all of our relationship advice.
So what's the relationship issue? He says, I'm fifty nine,
she's nineteen. Now what well? Robox initial thoughts yikes, my
(00:22):
initial take, yikes. And welcome to this relationship edition of
Amy and TJ. We take on a question from our
weekly Yahoo advice colin, which you can find in the
Life section of Yahoo dot com and Robes. This first
one before we get into the details. When somebody hears
fifty nine year old man nineteen year old girl, what
(00:43):
are they? And I said girl. I didn't even say woman, right,
that was just an accidental slip. But that's what you think.
I hear teenager? But what do you think Most people
think fifty nine nineteen? They mentally go to what you think?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
That he's in it for the sex and she's in
it for the money.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
That was more succinct than I thought you were going
to be.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
That is where most people go and they think who's
getting what out of this relationship because it doesn't seem
like one that would be natural. A lot of people say,
what do you have in common? So what would be
the motivation, and that's typically where people's minds go to.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
All right, and this again, this person goes by c
and R wrote into us on our Yahoo column, and
ropes take them through the actual full scenario that he gave.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Yes. So this is what CNR asked us, Amy and TJ.
I'm fifty nine, she is nineteen. I'll wait while you
shake off the obvious initial reaction, the one that says
I'm a predator or at best simply with this young woman.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Because of the sex.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
She and I have found intimacy at a level we
never thought existed while navigating the complexity of falling in love.
You guys, could not be more correct. Love is indeed messy.
Finding the courage to step off the cliff of settling
for less in hopes of experiencing the kind of love
that even the best poets, artists, and musicians can't fully describe,
(02:07):
is paralyzing. She and I are currently standing on that cliff.
Can you offer some non judgmental feedback about how or
whether to pursue this relationship. Hope to hear from you,
and congratulations on stepping off that cliff yourselves.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
I okay, non judgment We should start there, right, non judgmental.
If you're not hurting yourself or hurting somebody else, do
your thing. So people are into or they're into. And
also the other thing we should say here love comes
in all kinds of forms, and we're not here to
judge it. So we have to start.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
There absolutely completely agree.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Okay, And all we have to go on is are
the details that he gave us. So we're going to
get into some comments that and this was our biggest
response we've gotten. Right.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
We had three and a half thousand comments in counting.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
So yes, a lot of folks wait in.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Oh at the time of this recording, thousands of you
wait in.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
But our advice initially when my reaction was I couldn't,
in good conscious conscience say to him, go for it, buddy,
You just can't. As parents, you think about kids. We
have a nineteen year old in the house all the time,
all the time. She's a freshman in college. But analyst
just went off to college. She is nineteen right now,
(03:29):
to think about what she is doing in her life,
going to work as a barista, can't wait to get
off work so she can go to happy hour with
her friends. Can't wait till then go out with her friend. Oh,
I'm going over to Brooklyn and she's doing kid things,
and at the same time, she has to call you
at least twice a week with an emergency because she
can't find her keys.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Twice a week. I was like, twice a day, okay.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
But the points she's a kid, an absolute kid, and
to think about a fifty nine year old man, My
initial thought was just there seems to be so much
of her life she's missing out on by being with
a fifty nine year old man. What do you want
to take that from her? I'm trying to embrace the
love and the idea of it, but this is just difficult.
(04:10):
And that was kind of my summary of what my
thought was.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Yeah, and again I am also fully supportive of grown
adults doing what they want to do and not basing
their decisions on what other people think of them. However,
I understand where he's coming from in the sense that,
of course people are going to roll their eyes, and
of course people are going to assume the worst, and
I don't want to do that. But yes, I do
(04:34):
have a nineteen year old so I do have some
perspective as to what nineteen year olds. I remember being nineteen,
but when you're nineteen, you think you're so much older
than you are. And the thing I've always told my daughters,
and it drives them crazy, is you don't know what
you don't know. And I'm sure he, as a fifty
nine year.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Old, fully understands that as well. And so I really don't.
Speaker 3 (04:54):
Think it's as much about an age gap as it
is her age. If this were happening ten years from now,
when he was sixty nine and she was twenty nine,
I might feel a little bit differently about it, because
she would have had her twenties to kind of figure
out who she is, and we're always figuring out who
we are. I get that, but I think this is
more of a power imbalance too, And maybe he would
(05:15):
say that's not a part of it, but how could
it not be. And so that makes me a little
bit nervous for her and maybe even for him too,
because you don't want to be with someone who you
are controlling or who you have control over, even if
you're not trying to exert that control.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
It kind of has to exist.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Maybe yes, from a financial standpoint, but also just from
an experience standpoint. There is a huge experience gap, and
that would be the biggest concern for me.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
The line here, I mean the way he puts it.
He said, we have found intimacy at a level we
never thought existed while navigating the complexity of falling in love.
She doesn't have any idea what falling in love is.
That young lady has no idea about a level of
(06:03):
intimacy that she's never had before because she's never had it.
She's nineteen. I don't care what experience in relationships she's
had the past several years of her life, when she's
been dating her little junior high school boyfriend or whatever.
It just doesn't compare. So he sounds passionate and enthusia.
He might believe what he's saying. How could she have
(06:25):
the same experience?
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Yes, And I will say, as a fifty two year old,
I have never had the level of intimacy that I've
had with you. But I have, you know, at least
thirty five plus years of experience in relationships to compare
it to. So she clearly does not. And we're always
(06:46):
learning and we're always growing. But I think when you
start talking about poets and movies and songs, I know
what that feeling is, and that's infatuation, is it not?
Because love to me is when all of that maybe
even quiets down, and it's that beautiful connection and commitment
and friendship and partnership that ensusan Yes, you can have
(07:08):
the sexual attraction, but that initial youphoric burst that is
more a feeling of being in love versus a feeling
of actually loving someone.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
We don't have a time here, so we don't know
how long.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
They are actually, well, I would get it, hope it
would only be a year.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
A year because she years plus.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Maybe we just hope she would. Yes, we would hope
that she was eighteen.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
So let's just fifty eight eighteen sounds worse it.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Actually does, but let's just assume, because I'm going to
assume that he did not decide to date her until
she was at least eighteen, So they've got a year,
year and a half tops.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Okay, one more thing before we get into the comments
and the thoughts that people wrote in into us about
can we go and try have you tried to take
him at everything at his word at its face, that
this is real and this is true and these two
people are genuinely in love and now what do we
(08:03):
do with it?
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Yeah, and you know what, Only they know that. Only
they know that.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
And I would never say that isn't possible, because I
have certainly met nineteen year olds who are old souls.
And we've all met younger folks who act and really
kind of react in a much more mature way than
a lot of older folks do.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
So that is true.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
And then there older folks who stay young. I mean,
I think I'm one.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Of those people. I feel like I act and.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
I'm hopefully not throwing myself under the bus here, but yeah,
I act younger than my age. I enjoy things that
a lot of folks my age don't enjoy. So my
friends tend to be younger because that's just how I roll.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
So I'm if I a younger boyfriend, I do have
a younger boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
No, it sounds like you need a younger A younger boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Oh no, I think four and a half years is perfect.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
No, you need much younger, as youthful as you say
you are.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
No, no, no, no for it.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
It's not like I'm going to be able to keep
up with you.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
Uh No, I think we're matched in energy, and I
do think that that is part of it. So maybe
he is, you know, looking for excitement, and he has
that energy and that spark about him. And maybe she
likes to stay home and watch Netflix and chill and
she's not about going to the clubs and partying. But
you know, so much changes. You can be one thing
at nineteen, another thing at twenty three, and a whole
(09:24):
other thing at twenty five. You know, It's just that's
what I would be concerned about if I were him.
How much is she going to change? He's kind of
where he is and where he's going to be.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
She's nineteen.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
She's nineteen.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
She doesn't even know all the things she wants from Sophora.
Yet she doesn't. She doesn't know what sports she's really into.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
She can't order a beer, yeah, and she.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Doesn't know I can't. How can you date someone when
they ask what are you guys drinking? And they actually
don't know what their options are?
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Right?
Speaker 2 (09:55):
She can't rent a car.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
She can no twenty five.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Yes, she can't rent a house. She can't get a
verbo or an airbnb. I when you start putting that
into perspective, there's a reason why all of these stop
gaps are put in place. She's not considered capable of
making serious decisions like getting a drink or getting behind
the wheel of a hurts vehicle. There are reasons why
(10:20):
those safety precautions are put in place and having age restrictions,
and I just would maybe keep that in mind. When
you're fifty nine, you do understand this, but I understand
you can get swept up in the feelings and maybe
it is real.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I don't want to say it.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Is authentic, and those can be authentic. The next thing
is just what do you do about it. It's just
a tough one. We certainly wish them the best, but
a lot of people. Again, like we said, thousands of
folks wrote in and people were dying to chime in
on this. When we come back quick break here. When
we come back, we're going to tell you. We're going
to read for you some of the comments, and they
went a few different directions. One was yes, this must
(10:56):
be about money. Another theme was hey, adult, do you
And then somebody that goes by the name of B
Diddy wrote in to us and actually brought it all home.
Stay here and.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Welcome back everyone to this edition of Ask Amy and TJ.
We are talking about our latest Yahoo Life column, our
relationship advice column, where C and R wrote into us
asking about his relationship. Yeah, he's fifty nine, she's nineteen,
and you all had a lot to say about it.
We're going to start with RJ, who wrote into the
(11:39):
Yahoo page and said this, don't know why he's even asking.
Just enjoy it while you can. Age is just a number.
I'm fifty eight and he put this in quotes. I'm
not really I'm not really sure what this means. And
date many under thirty year old.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
You know what he means.
Speaker 3 (11:57):
I know what he means. He likes to have some
situationships with many under thirty year old's youngest being nineteen,
So while he really does know what CNR is going
through now twenty and I've dated five to ten years older.
You can have lots in common with people of all ages.
You can fall in love with anyone and it's just fine, Yolo,
(12:19):
live your life for you and don't worry about other people.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
I am initially fascinated that he's dated someone who is nineteen,
but al somebody ten years younger. He's dated women in
the range between nineteen and sixty nine years.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Old, just about that's wild.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Wow, he's got to pick a lane. We need him
to pick alane.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Actually, I think he just really likes women.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
How about this Robes. Isn't there something to that? He's
just speaking strictly, not thinking about the woman at all,
not thinking about the young lady at all. And just
from the guy's perspective, you know what, man, if you
got a nineteen year old is willing to date you,
congratulations right, But.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
And he put again the date in parentheses or sorry,
in quotations. So my thought is, yes, I totally applaud
his yolo. I certainly subscribe to living your life and
not worrying what other people think. But I don't know
how best. I don't know the best advice he's giving,
because he wasn't. He doesn't seem like he's looking for
love or a relationship or a partner. I think he's
(13:19):
looking for fun, and that's fine too. So it did
seem that C and R is looking for love, is
looking for a partner, is looking for a.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Long term love.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
So r J's advice really isn't helpful.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
And to this RJ is just like man play the field.
It's fun. Taken from me, I'm having a blast.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Okay, now we got the locker room talk, by of
the way. The next was Nicholas, and didn't you point
out that it's a bunch of dudes?
Speaker 3 (13:44):
Yes, okay, every time we look at the common every
time this is our third column. But I have been
fascinated that more it seems.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I mean, I guess.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
Women could say their name is a man's name, but
because it's all anonymous technically, but it seems like more men, significantly,
more men write in comments than women.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
I would have thought it was the opposite.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Well, Nicholas chimed in this one ropes I would say this,
I think is probably the opinion most people have. This
one makes most sense to me, and Nicholas writes quote
anytime both parties are consenting adults, the answer is yes.
Now will it ever actually work? Highly unlikely.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Yes, that's kind of it. I kind of feel like
he nailed it.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
Nicholas nailed it because really, I mean, look, normally, I
would say, hey, it's no one's business. And we have
said this before, because we've got the Bill Belichick situation
going on. That's a forty nine year age difference correct
between him and his girlfriend, and we have both said publicly, Hey,
let them do what they want to do.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Who are we to judge?
Speaker 3 (14:48):
S and R is actually asking what we think, and
so I actually think that is probably the best answer.
You are consenting adults. Yes, if you want to go
for it, and you both want to go for it,
then go.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
No one's stopping you. You're not breaking any laws.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
But you got a lot up against you. There's the point.
There's a lot up against We haven't talked about friends
and family and what that difficulty is. I mean, he's
going to go to our high school graduation, to a
graduation party, to a college graduation party, and all those
kinds of things where older than the parents.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
I was going to say, everyone is going to assume
that's her father, and I come from a family where
this is kind of crazy. But my grandparents were forty
when I was born, so they were My grandma was
in twenty one when she had my dad, and my
dad was nineteen when he had me. So that's really
bizarre to think that I could have been dating my grandpa.
(15:38):
So I have a skewed, skewed perspective just from that situation.
It's a little e for me, but that's just my
personal opinion. I never really liked older man. Case in point,
I'm dating a younger man.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
This thing was sideways fast. I can't Oh, but I do.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Want to say one more thing, because you made something,
you made a really good point. We have we've walked
this walk.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Relationships are hard, even if you have a lot in common,
even if you come from the same background, from the
same hometown, and you're about the same age, and you've
had similar life experiences.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
It's still so hard.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
And then you add if you've got a religious difference,
that makes it harder. You've got a racial difference. We've
experienced that it makes it harder. Would you not agree?
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Oh yeah, it does? Hell yeah, Look every little what
There are some things you sign up for that are
going to be challenges, but there are some things you
should sometimes you know better than to sign up for.
And is what love? Have you proven? A love so much?
Has it been tested? That's the line. Faith that has
not been tested cannot be trusted. Well, love that has
(16:43):
not been tested is difficult to trust as well. What
have they gone through as a couple, right, Somebody losing
the job, somebody having to move, somebody having an illness,
So all these things that they just haven't experienced yet.
It's possible, but it's just unlikely, is what someone say.
Can we finally hear from a woman?
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Then yes, Lara, we got a woman who chimed in Lara.
I actually had to search for a woman's name, Lara.
I'm assuming this is a woman, so she's gonna represent
and she commented, I think where a lot of you
all might be the only question that needs to be
asked is how much money you have and are giving her.
If money weren't involved, which one hundred percent guarantee it is,
(17:25):
and you were poor, you wouldn't have a nineteen year
old girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
I don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
Maybe he's super hot, maybe.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Super hot and poor.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Or he's super or he's super charismatic. Maybe he's super funny.
A lot of women like funny men. But maybe Look,
there's a lot of maybes. She could have a missing
part of her heart. She may want a father figure,
she may have missed out on that in her life,
and she wants to feel protected, she wants to feel safe,
and he makes her feel all of those things. There
are more things.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Maybe, well, maybe he just a normal guy. Yeah, with
a normal job and looks normal and she's just a
normal girl. I just want to make sure we insert
that possibility that there is nothing extreme or extraordinary. Yes,
maybe she's the rich one. I don't know what's happening.
I just don't know.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
Yeah, it depends on her background and what she's experienced,
and the types of relationships she's seen and the type
of boys. I should say, because they were boys, I'm
assuming who she dated before, But I really do. This
kind of takes me to a place where I do
think the older I get in life. Yes, of course,
some women are looking for money, and that's the security
they're looking for. But I think most women, and I
(18:38):
think most people are looking for emotional safety. And if
she feels emotionally safe with him, she feels like she
hit the jackpot, no matter how.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Old he is and no matter how much money has.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
I think that's absolutely possible.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
It's not about money, So Lara, I get it, And
that is a very easy thing to go to and
it could possibly be true, but I think it could
be more than that.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
The last one we'll give you here from someone who
robes kind of has apparently walked the walk and came
here to talk the talk, and I appreciate it actually
as open as B Ditty is what the name is.
But B Diddy wrote in with this.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
Yes, he said, when I was forty four, three years
after my divorce, I found myself getting involved with a
gorgeous nineteen year old.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
He says, she pursued me.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
She was not just willing, but seeking a physical relationship
as well as romantic. Now I'm thinking I hit the lottery.
This is the dream, right. This wasn't daddy issues or anything.
She was smart, going to school, had a job, and
by no means am I rich. So there was no
gold digging going on. But when it came down to it,
(19:44):
I couldn't do that to her. She's still two or
three years from being able to go to the club,
and I'm well past my bar hopping days. I don't
want to deny her any opportunities. I know some people
say just let her go on her own. Couples don't
have to do everything together, but eventually she'll want to
do stuff with her boyfriend, and I don't want her
to choose me over all the experiences she should be
(20:07):
having in her twenties. It's not an age gap, it's
a life experience one. And I'm not saying it can't work,
but it's so rare that it can work. I wish
them luck. That is so well said. And somebody who's
walked the walk, yes.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Has been through it. And that's why I had to
sit up and have to pay attention and have to
respect what b didd he said. That was my comment
at the end of our column said, if you love
that girl, you might have to let that girl go. Yeah,
and that's tough, but that's if this was a friend
of mine fifty eight or fifty nine day to nineteen
year old, that's the conversation I would have my man.
(20:42):
Conversation about her is not about him? Hey, is she
going to be there for you? Is she going to
take care of you?
Speaker 3 (20:46):
No?
Speaker 1 (20:46):
No, no, be about what are you doing to her?
What is her life going to look like? So I
appreciated that person writing in and if all that's true,
then being as open as they were about it.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Yeah. And you know, we had a friend a couple
that had a very large age gap, but she was
in her thirties and he was in his sixties. He
was older than her father, and they made it work
for about five years. But eventually, exactly what b Didty
is talking about happened. She decided she did want to
have kids. She decided she did want to do things
(21:18):
that he just wasn't going to be able to provide
her at his age, or he wasn't willing to provide her,
including kids. So those are all discussions at nineteen. Did
you even know if he wanted to have kids or not?
I mean I kind of said I didn't when I
was nineteen, but then I changed my mind.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
And you got those two little angels.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Now They're so perfect, aren't they.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
But we want to we want to thank CNR for
writing in and for everyone who continues to ask us questions.
That is certainly, well, that's our coffee machine going.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Off, that's my coffee.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Sure, and yes, and it's late in the afternoon, so
I needed a little pick me up during the afternoon,
So sorry about that. But no, we we do encourage
people to write in because it gets us thinking. But
it gets everyone thinking about what matters and what helps
make relationships better, So we appreciate it. And yeah, keep
on commenting too, because we're loving the comments. They certainly
(22:12):
keep the conversation going, So thanks for listening. To this
edition of Amy and TJ. We will see you soon.
Hosts And Creators
Lauren Zima
Chris Harrison
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