April 12, 2021 • 62 mins
Nikki is facing an ending for a project in a way she hasn't experienced yet. She is appreciative of Andrew's ideas to help her role play a drill sergeant. Andrew stays up late which might explain why gets confused about duck anatomy in the You Heard It Here First segment. Nikki loves what William Shatner said on his 90th birthday but doesn't care about Grimes' new tattoo. They Finish Each Other's sentence without opening up Pandora's box and in the Final Thought Andrew regrets having confidence about ducks and they all... Steve Irlose.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Nikki Glaser Podcasts. Nikki, Yeah here I am No. Uh,
thank you so much, besties, thank you so much for listening.
If this is your first show to listen to, welcome
(00:21):
to it. Um It's Niki Laser podcast. You're now a bestie. Um.
I'm in a pretty damn good mood. I missed you
all this weekend. No, I missed you as well. I
want to do this every day. Glad we don't. We
all need a break, but I do miss doing it.
(00:41):
It's good to be back this week. It's like, uh, listen,
I'm a little bit my. The show that I'm working
on here on location in the Cayman Islands is coming
to an end this week. I believe Thursday is our
last day of shooting and um, and I'm deciding to
(01:01):
stay a couple of extra days after that, just to
enjoy the Caymans without you know, having to get air
and makeup. And even though I like working more than
not working, the show has been a complete blast. I
love being on set. I love every pretty much every
scene I shoot. I've never been this happy in a
(01:24):
job in my life. And it's coming to an end,
and I'm very, very sad. I'm not good with endings.
I'm not getting good with goodbyes. UM. I used have
a therapist who told me that, uh, in order for
me to stop seeing her, I would have to have
three sessions in which we said goodbye because I wasn't
good at goodbyes. But it turns out she's not wrong,
(01:45):
but she also just wanted three sessions to talk me
into staying with her. UM. But I really just shut
down before goodbyes. I tend to start either, you know,
causing I don't do this. I think maybe I have
in my past, but like finding detaching from it and
(02:06):
being not as sentimental and not leaning into like I'm
gonna miss everyone. I'm like not feeling it, just being like, yeah,
it just has to end, but like it's fine, just cold,
kind of cold, you know, because if I let the
feeling in of how sad I am that this thing that,
you know, I'll see the people again in different situations.
(02:27):
I'll have other jobs that are just as fulfilling and
fun and tropical locations. I hope this experience will never
happen again. The other shows that I've been on in
the past that I've had all ended pretty abruptly. Like
they were just canceled and it felt like, you know,
(02:48):
a magician pulling a tablecloth out from under me, and
I was like a little vase of flowers and I
stumbled a little bit, but I was still standing up
at the end of it, and it was just like, oh,
no more table cloth and it was like, Okay, well
that's over. It's like a death almost like a uh
and for me, that's almost better than a long like farewell,
(03:10):
you have this many you have four days to live
type of thing that I feel like on this show.
But what I'm trying to do is just be um present.
But at the same time, being present is not like
being in denial that it's ending. Like I keep saying
to people like we only have this much left, and
they're like, let's just enjoy the moment instead of thinking
(03:31):
about how much we're gonna be sad. And it's like, well,
that for me is the moment, Like I'm feeling sad
right now, and so I want to talk about that
um and process it, but it's just goodbyes are hard
and I don't And I was talking to my friend
last night who's on the show, and he's like, I
don't like I like to like get out without I
(03:52):
like to kind of irish exit like these these shows,
because he tends to work on these shows a lot,
and he was saying I tend to He was like, I,
I like might cry if I like hug people goodbye,
and I'm like, I know, like that's nice, and I
get it, Like sometimes you cry and you're like, oh,
I am like it's embarrassing when tears come out. I
(04:14):
cried the other day and I didn't know it was
going to happen, and it was. It felt it felt
great because usually I feel like tears I've used to
as like a means to get people to give me
comfort when I need it, like to signal to my parents,
like I need you to feel sorry for me. I
need pity, I need sympathy, I need like gentleness. And
(04:37):
it didn't work a lot of times. It was just
like what do you now, this is ridiculous. You're throwing
yourself on the floor screaming, crying, Or when I start crying,
I just feel like it's just to get attention because
maybe I used it in the past like that, So
now when I cry, I like I feel like I'm
trying to get attention even if it doesn't happen. I
cried the other day. Someone said something to me that
(04:59):
I just took the wrong way and like instantly caused tears.
And the person was joking, but it just like hit
this like nerve and and I couldn't help it. Like
it was like involuntary, and I have not cried involuntarily.
I can't even remember the last time. Like it's always
a thing where I'm like, let yourself feel this, let's
go there, It's okay to cry. I give myself permission.
(05:20):
And then I squeeze out of tear, like I literally
like squeeze a tear out of my cold, dry eye.
But this was like and like hiding my face because
I was like I'm fine and like trying to like
change the subject. And something about that felt good, because
it felt like, okay, good, It's not my fault that
I'm crying, whereas I always feel like things are my
(05:41):
fault or that I'm like conjuring them. Even though there's
no free will and you don't have any power over
anything and you're not choosing anything, there's something about when
you cry. I just always feel guilty if I'm doing
something to get something else, even if it is just
love or sympathy, I don't I just I'd rather or
just be like, hey, well can you hug me right now?
(06:02):
Or can I cry right now? Then to cry and
have and make someone I don't know, does this make
any sense to you know? Would you ask for that
though of someone or is it something that you kind
of don't ask for? Well, I think it's like when
I need to cry and there's something that's really upsetting me,
(06:24):
I will say like I will just go and I
think I'm gonna cry and I think I just need to,
and then like I start talking and then I can
really get it out. But like, for instance, the other day,
when I started crying, I didn't want to, and then
the person said, it's okay, like you were hurt by
what I said accidentally, like I didn't mean to hurt you,
but that's okay that you're feeling that way. And then
(06:45):
like I just kept all these things kept coming into
my brain that made me want to cry more because
I was like the thing that was said was so
it was an ingest. It was like a guy teasing me,
but it was like the my biggest fear ever was
what he said to me, like the thing he said
(07:08):
was like my truly deepest, darkest fear, and he like
confirmed it, but he was being very sarcastic and very
and I was just like, and then I just let
in all the things that in my past that have
kind of made me believe that about myself, and I
just didn't stop them. And then I just got to
like sob and it was fine, and he like let
me sob in front of him, and and I felt
(07:32):
it felt good. But I just it felt good because
I don't know, I just I really struggle with it.
It just feels masturbatory crying. It just feels like, oh,
just someone feel bad for them. So your life is
so hard? You little, you know, privileged, oh semi celebrity
(07:53):
who you know. Someone the other day was like, you're
gonna head back to life and life is going to
be so different for you when you go to St. Louis.
You're here on the show, everyone's taking care of your
every need. Everyone is like, is nicky happy, They're waiting
on your hand and foot, and you're gonna go back
to And I was like, I don't feel like that
(08:13):
makes me sad that people think that that's how I
view this experience, because this was someone who doesn't I
don't think think of me that way. I I really
struggle with whether I think I'm better than I am,
and I and I'm like this person that needs to
be taken down a couple of notches because God, you
think you're so cool. You're always name dropping, you always
(08:34):
talking about all your accomplishments. You're such a bragger or
And then I have on the other side of people
always telling me you have such low self esteem. You
don't know how great you are, and like, so the
second I feel good about myself and I feel I
have the self esteem that I'm constantly being told I
don't have, then I have people being like, oh, we
get it, You're such a star. Everyone dotes on you.
(08:55):
Ever you don't get have to lift a finger, NICKI
needs this. Everyone quick run and get it. So it's like,
which one do I do? You know? Like should? And
then when I shoot on myself and self deprecates so
that people don't think that I think I'm better than anyone,
because I truly don't think I am, I'm told you
have such bad self esteem. That's a bad example for women.
(09:15):
You need to feel better about yourself. You know you
deserve so much better. You need to surround yourself with
better people. You deserve like, which is it? And I
think this This isn't just me. I think this is
every woman is told you can't think you're too pretty
if you have too much self esteem, you're a fucking
bitch who thinks she's pretty. Mean girls style. Oh so
you think you're pretty because you said thank you too
(09:37):
when I said you're really pretty? You know that like line,
and you're really pretty and she's like thank you and
she goes, So you agree, you think you're really pretty.
It's like, where where do we just get to like ourselves?
And it's not too much and it's not not enough.
And guess what, there's no someone will always give you
ship for either of them, and it's not fair. So
(09:58):
I've just started calling that out. You know, when people
say you have low self esteem, you don't you deserve better?
You don't know what kind of uh you know, in
terms of like men or something like you deserve you
could get anyone you want. I go, no, I couldn't.
I'm not being delusional and thinking I can't get anyone
I want. And by the way. The people I go
(10:21):
for are not me lowering myself. I want those people.
I'm not like, well, I can't have that person, I'm
gonna go for this person. I think some of my
friends think, like, I just take whatever I can get?
Are you kidding me? I'm picky as fuck, and it
just so happens that sometimes those people aren't perfect. But
guess what neither is your husband? Like? Do you? Is
(10:42):
anyone have a perfect partner? So shut the funk up?
I mean that's me too. I I tell my friends
all the time their partners aren't good enough for them,
and then I'm like, actually, yeah, it's just there's just
no I'm I'm just trying to like myself but not
have an inflated sense of self. And that's a hard
(11:04):
thing to to to manage. And guess what, I'd rather
have an inflated sense of self than to feel the
way I used to feel about myself, which is hate
my body, hate my face, hate the fact that I'm aging,
hate my little crooked tooth in the front, hate my
skin texture, hate my boobs like you know, of the month,
except that when they're really popping off, you know, because
(11:25):
I'm ovulating. Hate like it's so boring to hate yourself
and I'm I'm my body is in good shape right now.
So I don't mean to say that, like it's so
easy to love your body because it ain't. It ain't.
But I do feel like I'm in a place of
acceptance over my body. I can say today that if
I gained some weight, I I really think that I
(11:46):
could be like that's the way I'm supposed to be
right now, and that's okay. It might change, because it will.
I'm not going to stay this way, but for today,
I can accept it, and it could change tomorrow. So
whatever you're feeling about your body today, girls, I know
you hate that one thing about yourself. Oh I can't
get it. A swimsuit swimsuit seasons coming up? What am
(12:06):
I gonna do? What what I said again on the
podcast last week? Someone quoted it on Twitter. It made
me feel so good. You are not to blame for
your body. You did not choose. If you could snap
your finger, you would make that cellulate on your thigh
go away. So it's not like you're choosing to have
to cellulator. Well, you shouldn't have eaten that bag of
smart pop last night. You ate the whole damn thing
(12:27):
and then you opened another thing of cookies. Do you
think you chose to do that? Do you think you
wanted that smart pop to make your love handle stick
out so you feel bad in the swimsuit? No, you didn't.
You want what's best for yourself, so you had some
fucking smart pop. Forgive yourself. Everyone forgive themselves today for
however you look or feel. I don't know how I
(12:49):
came around to this, and I don't know why this
is turning into a self help podcast, but honestly, it's
just because I need it today. Just give yourself what
you need. Yeah, just just let's all just be nice
to ourselves. I know it's easier said than done, but um,
I'm going to try to be nice to myself and
a thing that's harder for me than anything be nice
to Andrew Colin because I can be mean to him sometimes.
(13:12):
I've heard the feedback on the podcast. Let's see how
I do today. Let's get him in here, alrighty Andrew, Um,
I just got done talking about being nicer to myself,
and also that extends to being nicer to you. So
I'm going to be really nice to you. Today, but
like also find a balance. I've been nice to you recently.
(13:36):
I mean I think you just answered that I do
I have a say in this. I do feel like
you've been very kind to me, and I think I've
been heard. My only concern sometimes is when I tell
you things you think like I'm like you said the
other day, like, oh, you're building up these like a
(13:57):
case for me, like over the week, like, but I'm not.
I'm really not, Like I'm not trying to know. I
don't think you're building a case. No, And I just
don't want you to. Like sometimes I'm worried that I'll
voice something and then I'll be like it will be
taken in and but then you'll resent the fact, like
(14:18):
later on that I brought it up that could happen.
But you know, I'm not perfect, and either are you. No,
I'm far from it. I'm far from it. I messed
up a lot. I slept good. Um, what did I do? What? No?
Actually I didn't. I didn't go to bed till about
two thirty last night. Yeah, I mean last night. I
(14:39):
left you here. Yesterday yesterday a day off. No, we
we worked all day yesterday. I can't even keep track
yesterday with such a fun day of work Jesus Christ
for me at least. Um, No, it's fun for me too,
I thought so. I thought we had a lot of
good laughs. I feel like a little bit sometimes that's
what it felt like. Yesterday was like, well, we watched
train Wreck the other day. I've learned how Jet Epitau
(15:02):
worked when I was on that movie, and it's like
he had a little speaker. So when train Wreck, I'm
in the scene where we're at Amy's sisters baby shower
and we're in this living room and a group of
people talking about how much like Amy needs to get
married and have babies, and we're like these these women
just being like, oh my god, children changed my life.
And Jet app out we we had the script that
(15:23):
we did, but then he had a little speaker, and
usually I think he's in the room, but in that
case he was like out in like a different section
because the house was so small for all the equipment,
and a little speaker where he could give us line
reads and like pitch us lines to say. And that's
kind of like the way it is on set, is
I like go off of a loose script. And then
Andrew and a couple other guys are off camera just
(15:45):
shouting fun lines for me to say, and it's kind
of open to everyone. I try to open it up
to everyone to like contribute jokes. But it was just
so fun. Yesterday I was playing like a drill sergeant.
You'll see it during the show, but I was getting
to do a character of like a drill sergeant and
just screw dreaming at I love seeing that side of
you because you tend to like stick to like like
(16:07):
you don't get too silly, and you really leaned into
to be a character. Because I was dressed as a character.
If I'm you know, another scene I did like a
therapist and I got to I wore some glasses and
if I just put on a costume, I can get
into character so much better. Yesterday was the first day
that I was like I would kill it on S
and L, Like straight up, I would fucking kill it.
(16:30):
I don't know. I always wanted to do SNL, but
I was like, oh god, I'd be kind of embarrassed
doing characters, and it just felt so natural yesterday. It
was so fun and something I've never done before. But
I would really have a blast doing it because when
you dressed the role, you really can act a totally
different way. Like I It does speak to the fact
that when women put on makeup and like do their hair,
(16:52):
it's not just so that they can like attract men
or like get people to like them more. That's part
of it. Obviously some them and we'll deny that, but
it's definitely a part of it. Even if you claim
it's for myself, well the culture, it's for yourself because
inherently you know that it attracts men and people like
you more. But whatever, it's like, when I put a
(17:13):
tuxedo on, I feel like I could have sex with
the fourth hottest bridesmaid. Yes, yeah, I'm not going to
shoot for the best woman or whatever for the second hottest.
At least this girl has a lot of friends. I'm
kind of for it seems like a lot um. But anyway,
just dressing, Oh yeah, it's such a good look in
(17:37):
such a good luck. W we wear them more often.
It's like Thanksgiving dinner. You only do it once a
year because I think it would take away the special
mist of it and it is such a pain in
the ask to wear. And yeah, it's a good it's
a good look. And I think the Yeah, the rarity
of it makes it. It is funny when you dress
like a piece of ship all the time and then
the one time you put a tie on and people
(17:57):
are like, WHOA, how shitty do I look in my
normal life that when I get dressed up once, people
are like blown away, Yes, I mean really really shitty.
Uh No. I feel the same way when I put
on like a dress. Sometimes people are like whoa, hey
look at and I go, no, this is literally all
(18:19):
my clothes. This is laundry day. This is like the
bottom of the barrel for me. I look like I'm
this is a special occasion. But the occasion is I
don't have any more shorts to where Jim look at
you with legs like, yeah, I've had legs this whole time. Yes. Yes.
I was telling someone the other day. I was like,
you know, we lived together, but we lived usually like
(18:39):
in New York or St. Louis. I've seen you in
more sun dresses. And I was telling Luna and I
was like, I see, I've never seen her with this
much skin, Like I've seen so much of your skin. Yeah,
You're like you've seen me. I could be naked in
front of you at this point. I think we reached
that point the other day where I was like, because Noah,
I'm like changing in front of people all the time.
(19:01):
I don't care about being naked. I really don't have
a problem with like people seeing me topless on set,
like I'll change, and it's it's more like the people
around me that are like, uh, And I don't want
to make anyone awkward, so I always do go in
the other room. But because you know, it's not just
the choice of the naked person. Yeah, I go in
the other room to like tweak my nipples and then
I come back in and take my shirt off. No,
(19:22):
I'm not Andrew Colling. Before I get in the pool
or in the shower by yourself or in bed by yourself,
or nipple's got to be hard. It makes it tis
look so much better if I had. I always said,
if I had tiny nipples, I would look so jacked. Yeah,
why don't just get nipple surgery? I might wait, wait,
what point I feel like I could get naked in
(19:44):
front of you? And it's like the way that I've
grown with you in terms of like because I tried
to have good boundaries about that stuff. Like throughout our
friendship in terms of like because I'm still like a
hot chick and men aren't. Like you can't turn off
that part of your brain. I mean I guess you can.
Like you had assist you don't have a sister, but
if you would, like she died in my mom's womb, well,
(20:05):
not to bring it down, but she did. Okay, Well,
if that sister would have survived your mom's um, she
probably would. Good and you had a hot sister because
some people have hot sisters. Is there a time I
used to have a joke of it where a guy
told me he's friend zoning me and he's like, you
just remind me my sister, And I'm like, is it
the time on spring break when your sister took off
her shirt and she had like a swimsuit on. You
didn't know it was her at first, and you were like,
(20:26):
whoa that girls taught oh ship, that's my sister. Wasn't
like that two seconds And he's like, no, like it
more when she was eating spaghetti with her hands. Yeah,
that's funny. I'll use that, but that's like, do you
know what I mean? Like I never want to be
that sister for because I know we have like a
sister brother vibe and like I never want you like
to like make blood flow to your penis like accidentally,
(20:46):
because it's like a naked woman, you know, like a
guy in oncologist looking at someone, like like a doctor
looking at a body that could also be like wow,
that's a that's a that's a nice specimen. So I'm
also looking at it scientifically like I thank you, like
I look at like and but I mean I also
can tell. I mean I don't want to like tell,
(21:08):
but I let you know when I when like, I
know you don't love this, but when you when whatever,
you're well put together, you look great, I want to
let you know, just like I would let my sister
no to that she looks great, and I want to yeah,
and then I close it out with a yeah, yeah,
I know when you I know when you're when whenever
(21:30):
you don't spread your cheeks like that's a there's two
different Nikki farts where she grabs her cheek and doesn't
let this I only in front of you, I only
grab my like make it silent if you're like on
Instagram live or right now when we were recording, but
like now with you. I never would hold in a fart.
It's like that, if anything, you put your cheeks tighter
(21:51):
together when we When I didn't fart in front of you.
Back in the day, I wasn't like doing like the sidewise.
I would just save it till I went to the
bathroom or like went to my room. But now, if
they're coming out, they're coming out. The only reason I
would make it silent around you now is if you
were on Instagram Live or were recording our podcast. Yeah.
I love that about yet, But let me just say
before we get to the news that last night, I
will say I have predicted you staying up all night
(22:13):
because I was socializing in the building. I went up
two flights to go hang out in Dan's room with
a couple of people, and uh we it would have
been such a fun hang but you stayed down here.
I came back in to go get Like I made
a snack last night. I came back in to make
a snack. I walk in the TV is on Andrew's
on the couch in the dark. Soccer is on on Mute,
(22:35):
and and Andrew is listening to John Mayer slow dancing
in a burning room on his phone by himself in
the dark at like this was probably eleven thirty at night. Yeah,
going on with you. Not Honestly, I've had moments where
I've been listening to music when I'm very sad and
like introspective and whatever. Last night it just John Mayer
(22:57):
came up on TikTok. He's on TikTok now, and uh,
that burning Room song? He he do edit it? So
I tried to do edit with it, like funny, but
it doesn't come out whatever. I just stumbled into and
I was like, God, I really liked the song. And
then I put it on. I was like, wow, John
Mayor is fucking great. And then I kind of went
on a John Mayor a little kick. But I have
(23:17):
know that John Mayer, that's funny that you didn't know
it was so great. And that song slow Dancing in
a Burning Room, it's about he wrote it. I think
when about Jennifer Aniston. That's why I like it even more.
But you bring that up and I had a moment
when I got and this is why we're friends. I
got that age test when I was still a virgin,
because you know, I fingered a girl and I by
my nails uh. And this was freshman year and I
(23:38):
took the test and I didn't get the results, or
it might have just got the results. And I went
back to my dorm room and I was listening to
Cats Stevens, which is like listen to to the wind
of muscle. So my roommate came in, comes into my door.
(23:58):
Really knows he comes into my dorm and thin because
to sad music. You just listening to that song. It
was more father and son. I think it's I bet
it was. Let's get to the news Andrew Hey here comes. Yes,
(24:27):
oh boy, oh man. First of all, you heard it
here first, thank you so much. To one of our listeners.
He sent in, Oh my god, we love this so much.
Someone sent a clip from Veep in which Mike McClintock,
who I believe is more like Andrew than he probably
would ever want to admit, but he definitely does admit that.
(24:48):
It's I'd love to be Mike. He's a great job. Yes,
he's an actor. He they sent. Yeah, he's a great actor.
Um No, not the character Mike McClinton in a Veep.
He is doing a blog. He does a blog called
uh Mike mcclint talk. It's after he's been fired from
(25:10):
Selena's uh you know campaign. But Mike McLintock is literally
like one of our favorite characters of all time. He
has played by UMT Matt Walsh, Thank you. He's played
by Matt Walsh as amazing comedic actor. But he's one
of my favorite characters of all time. On delay out,
Yes for sure. No, this is so this is the
clip from it. Okay, someone send it in. This is
(25:32):
This is a clip from v Amanda sent it Amanda,
Thank you so much. Amanda, one of our besties sent
in this clip from VEEP where it's a clip from
Mike McClintock show Mike from mclinn talk with Mike McLintock.
And this is he's in his living room doing a
(25:53):
blog alive like podcast and he says, you heard it
here first, and it's so funny because that is who
you are. I've always said it's who you are, and
it's actually is. Look, hey, look, brilliant minds think alike.
You know me and Mike mcley Andrew Colin talk. Oh okay,
well let's get into it. Man. I flipped that one. Yeah,
(26:16):
McCall alright, this first story. First of all, I want
everyone I thought you were going to forget. I was.
I was gonna get you so bad if you forgot it.
I hope everyone's having fun out there for sure, even
you guys out there and girls. Um also have all
the swells today, everyone, all of you there. Um, So
(26:37):
here we go. That was a weird. That was a
good one. Yeah, I'm trying to switch and guys like, okay, yeah,
I'm trying to keep them on their toes and fingers.
Didn't include a non binary but that's fine, go on,
they and them too. Um. Okay, A baby in Iraq
is the first ever you ready for this Nikki to
be born with three penises? Okay? All right, I mean
(27:03):
really take that in. I mean a guy like a
Medusa's head of Yeah, yes, but three, I mean three.
I mean great things come in threes, just not penises.
There they come, all right, all right. He underwent surgery
to remove two of the fallacies. Surgery. Okay, Yeah. The
(27:25):
three of them had a rectal tissue but did not
have a eurether, so they had no hole. Um extra
or suit. You didn't have the eurethe run did one
was in the right spot. It would be funny if
the one with the urethro was like on his shoulder,
but okay, or the one with the smallest one is
just like, um, do we have to the Dad's like,
(27:47):
do we have to lose those other two that seemed
to be about, you know, an inch longer than that one? Well, sir,
it's the only one with a hole for semen and
pe to come out of if you want your son to, uh,
you know, have sepsis within days of being born. But
it's so, is there like a way to drill a
(28:08):
hole in the other sir? That would be a very
life threatening surgery. Um, it would be much easier just
cut off these two huge dicks and leave the small
one with the whole that functions. I'd rather kill them,
you know what. Honestly, let's just let's risk it. Let's
just murder the baby. I would take out the baby.
I mean this one. This an article is interesting to
me because you are a man who is obsessed with
(28:31):
I love how open you, how you open you are
about talking about penises and how you wish you had
a different one. And I have three. I first of all,
I would take all three and put them together like
a megatron dick like legost yes um extra or supernumerary
numerary penises are rare congenital condition, occurring only once every
(28:55):
five million to six million live verse, which is wild
because you would think the more dicks the better in
a way, like I wonder if we ever had a
ton of dicks, you know, duck A ton ducks I
think have like like they have a it's kind of
funked up. They have a dick for uh wait, what
(29:16):
is it they have? I think they have multiple dicks
because the female duck has multiple vaginas, and one vagina
or a couple of them are for if they get raped,
and then the other one is for if they really
want to have a baby with the one duck. So
the duck has a I'm surprised women haven't come up
with rape vaginas with all the raping we've had throughout
(29:38):
the species. But then a guy like this guy in
Iraq would have grown three dicks. Maybe he's onto something, right, Okay,
so a duck has a dick that will fake out
the other vagina. I could be completely wrong. I mean,
I am definitely possive that this information is false and
(29:58):
Noah's scrambl about. I don't know why I trusted you.
I almost wanted you to build your own, take your own,
you know, tricked into going into and like a duck.
I don't think i'm completely I fell into that hole. No,
(30:19):
can you look this up and we can maybe at
the end of the story. All I'm finding is that
ducks have corkscrew shaped penises. Okay, that is not anything
many dicks andrew, what the fun here? Let me share? Okay,
(30:39):
let me share this. We'll learn here. That's a duck dick.
Oh man, I'd rather Oh my god, that looks like
a worm is wrapped around a dick, squeezing the life
out of it like a bow instrictor. Yea, like a
duck penis and is squeezing it wrapped on like a
(31:00):
snake in anaconda. Okay, um oh, I really don't want
to look at that anymore. I feel ducks have more
than one vagina though. Do ducks have a secret vagina
like a rape vagina and a regular vagina? Oh God?
I mean, I think it's probably some animal, but duck
was maybe not the right one. I don't put it
past science and biology to have some creature that is
(31:22):
multiple va sing rays have two I think No, dude,
sing rays have two vaginas. I don't know. And they
got a mouth too. I know that it bit me, um, Andrew.
But the thing I want to ask you a question.
Would you rather be two inches three inches taller or
have half an inch added to your penis? Three inches taller?
(31:46):
Half an inch different? But I've just made it at
half an inch. No, I'd rather be three inches tall Okay,
an inch added to your hard erect penis, one penis,
single penis, or three inches taller to your height. They're
doing anything to the girth. Every guy listening to podcast,
please tell us what you do. And and this doesn't
count if you gotta be five nine or under to
(32:08):
answer this question. Three inches will really change a five
nine guys live, or so they think. Okay, so three
inches of hyper it's one inch of penis. I would
go with. Fuck, it's so tough. What about this? You
have a choice. You either lose half an inch of
(32:29):
dick or you get three inches shorter, which one oh h.
The time of running out on this segment, Andrew, make
a choice. Okay, first of all, I'd rather have an
inch longer of penis because there's some moves that I
really want to do, and I know, just one more inch,
I could fuck them. And I'm already I'm five nine,
(32:52):
which is okay, You're either gonna be five six or
have an inch shorter penis. What's it going to be?
Half in shorter penis penis? Because if you're five six,
that eliminates so much pussy for you. You think there's
a good guy on the show with that's five three
who gets plenty of puss. He's yeah, that's true too,
(33:15):
and penis is probably pretty long. I don't know all right.
Next story, William Shatner uh says getting older is terrifying
as the world celebrates his ninety birthday. William Schattner's ninety.
I really liked some of these quotes about dying and
getting older, because you always think that when you get
older you just accept it and everything's fine, and but
(33:36):
he had some really tragic quotes that I think are
just like, well, this one. Loneliness is endemic to human beings.
We are essentially alone. As much as we are with
other people, we are alone. Now people who are religious say, well,
there's God, and God is with you and is the
father figure. And I don't happen to believe that I
envied those who do. I think we die and our
(33:58):
bodies are consumed and we enter the universe. Damn spoken
like a true man who has never seen one episode
of Star Trek. Do you know that he's never watched
a single episode of Star Trek? I mean, I think
he's right, I um, I Like, I liked reading this
because he was just like, I'm very lonely. The best
you know what the best part of this he got
(34:21):
divorced a year ago. Yeah, so he's talking about loneliness
or whatever. But even at nine year old man, he's
like I can I still do better? Or like, I mean,
what an idiot? Yeah, that's a good point. That was
like you realizing, like you go, oh, I definitely Adam wait,
(34:41):
I'd never wait. Yeah, it's just like, so he got
divorce last year, so he's dealing with loneliness, and I
do think about that, Like the longer you live, the
more people in your life you lose. I was at
a graveyard the other day, like trying to honor the
people I've lost in my life that have meant the
most to me. And I only had five names to
(35:01):
right in the sand of like deaths to me that
have like really made my life difficult at times. That's
such a low number. And the names none of them
were like if you died, if Noah died, if Anya died,
if my parents died, if my sister. I have so
many people to lose and to suffer through losing them
that it seems almost worse to keep living because and
(35:24):
then by the end of it, you have no friends left.
Like if you get to be nine, most of your friends,
if you're cool and you're like a freshman who hung
out with mostly seniors, they're fucking older than you and
they're gone. I know. But by the time if we're
still friends and I die, you're gonna it's gonna be
the best two years here. You're gonna be You don't
want to be your friends around to the end. And
(35:46):
that's why you have to keep making friends and make
friends with younger people throughout your life to keep you
young and just I mean, loneliness is my biggest fear.
There was one more quote he had in this that
I liked a lot, Did you get it? No? That
was the only one written there, But no, there wasn't.
There was tons more, but that's fine. Um this I
try to focus on the beauty of life, which is
(36:07):
eggs in the mountains, the horses, love dogs, tea, and
the taste of orange, which the taste of an orange,
which I just had, The sensory and philosophical beauty of life,
the connection that I know that all of life has,
is something so profoundly moving that I think of it
a lot. I mean, the taste of an orange to
be ninety and be like, wow, the taste of an orange,
(36:28):
and and just the idea of like love, like I
I think that just I think, Uh, I'm trying to think,
Like I am in a dilemma right now where it's
like I really want to just like feel like I
(36:48):
want to I want to live my life in a
way that I know it can't last. And I'm like,
I just want to give into this feeling because even
though it's short lived, I just want to like live
it at its utmost. But I'm also scared because, oh
my god, if I really give in to it, when
it goes away, I'm going to be that much sadder.
But at the same time, I'm like, what is a
life worth living? If you always are just keeping everything
(37:08):
muted because you're so scared of getting hurt, You're so
scared of the pain. On the other side, I feel
like I want to just like I want to if
I have those connections or those like moments to like,
oh my god, I there's this dog. I don't want
to get that dog. It only has three months to live,
and and I'll just be sad when it's gone. Like Okay,
so I'm just gonna like not get that dog and
(37:28):
not love something just because it's gonna go away. We're
all gonna go away in the end. So I'm like,
I want to kind of live my life not so
scared of like the hurt that follows it, because I
can always go to therapy. I always I have tools
to process my emotions and my pains. That um it's
I don't wanna try to mute feelings and like the
taste of things, and like I don't want to eat
(37:51):
things that don't taste good. I want to taste an
orange and like taste it and be like, you know what,
this tastes so fucking good. Instead of like keeping myself
from things or changing on something that binging on a
bunch of oranges is not and not really tasting them
at all. That makes sense, Yes, I just I think
like sometimes, like you know, if we think about stand
up for instance, you don't get too excited after shows,
(38:16):
because if you get so excited to come down of it,
it's gonna be even darker. Like it's like when you're
when you when you love something too much when it's gone.
I don't not get excited for stand up Shows's scared
of that you do? Oh, I don't know. I'm just
thinking about Like, but I'm saying that could transfer over
(38:36):
to your life, Like you don't do that with stand up,
So maybe you condition your brain after twenty years to
not get excited about anything because if it goes away,
you don't want to feel I don't ye know that
makes sense. Like with Conan, I try to keep it tempered.
But that's just more so that I can actually do
a good job and not be like I'm about to
be Conan instead of like I got to write a
joke for Conan. But like when I'm in it, I'm
(38:58):
trying to like, I just celebrate this. This is a
major and it won't be forever because someday I'll be
old and not as funny and not as relevant, and
I won't get to go on Conan. Yeah, it's sad when,
like you, you decide I'm gonna like first girlfriend whatever
or the first boyfriend, and you're like you love them
with everything in your heart because you watch so many
romantic comedies and you're like, this is it, I'm gonna
(39:20):
marry this person, and then they hurt you, and then
you get so afraid of ever feeling that pain again
that you don't ever go close to the sun. And
I want to lay on the sun. I want to
freak hang out in the sun as well. I agree
with that. I my friends last night were like, don't
like the pain that follows this if you do this thing,
(39:40):
and I go, I've been through it before, I've survived
it all and it's led to amazing comedy specials. I'll
take that pain and I'll write a fucking song with it,
like I will Taylor Swift that pain. I don't want
to live a life where I never put myself in
a position to get hurt, because hurt makes you be
able to love later, and it makes you makes you
able to create dope ass podcast that everyone fucking resonates
(40:03):
with and go ahead, nate that dope as podcast. Dope
as podcast which people resonate with. I hate when people
say I resonate with something. It's like you're not resonating
with it. It's resonating with you. Okay, next story. And
you can always yell at me yeah, fuck you, I can.
I mean, fun yeah, I can, hell yeah, And I
wouldn't even be upset, Okay, I mean I was going
(40:25):
to try not to say the effort on this podcast
anymore because I want people to be able to listen
in to the car with their kids and not be
like mommy, she said the ffort. Worry about that. Howard
starting your favorite person on Earth and his stuff can't
pay in front of terrestrial radio forever and was able
to talk about, you know, really edgy things without using
foul language. I don't like fo language words that well,
(40:46):
I'm just going to be more choosy with it and
more cognizant of the fact. Was watching interview from last
night actually, and he was saying wrong words on like Letterman. Okay.
A couple with the rest after cops found their four
year old son unsupervised in a car while they were
shopping in a sex store. Troopers went into the amazing intimate,
(41:07):
essential adult store and found the mother of the unattended
boy and her partner who were in the store for
fifteen minutes. It was two women year old women were arrested.
Bail set at five thousand. So they loved it in
the car for four minutes. Fifteen minutes. And where was
this in a sex store? Oh? New York. Okay, so
(41:30):
it wasn't too Connecticut, ypology, it wasn't too hot. The
kid was alone fifteen months. My mom used to go
into the store to get cigarettes and like maybe a
scratch her ticket or you know, and the grocery store
and leave us in the car. That wouldn't take fifteen minutes.
Yeah maybe, I mean, any store could be a sex store.
You can put anything in yourself, not funk yourself by
(41:51):
We don't say funk here. We want to, don't. We
never will say again, you guys, And it's just ridiculous.
Why in regards to your own mother fucking or something
that would be disgusting, And we don't want your kids
hearing I was talking. I already feel bad about this. Yeah, okay,
so this was a couple that and they were arrested. Yeah,
you should have been. That is neglect. You shouldn't be
by the way because you know they're going to bring
(42:12):
back in the toys and talk about it. That means
that's that's a that's a group of Uh that's a
couple who probably has sex and talks about sex a
little too openly around their kids. Here's the thing. Your
mom knew exactly what kind of cigarettes you wanted to buy,
so she was in and out in three minutes. Yeah,
if you're going to go to a porn store, just
know what dildo. Pick it out online before, know exactly
what you want. Those camel unfiltered vibrators, Yeah, what's like
(42:38):
a looks like a camel? And get me the candy
dildos so I can pretend like I'm like mom and
and and you know me, little chalk stuff comes out. Story. Yeah, like,
oh candy cigarettes were so delicious. I love them so much.
But they did definitely make me feel cool like I
was smoking and probably led to me smoking later on.
(42:58):
It's all propaganda built by uh, well, we both have
a d D. We started smoking a cigarette and then
you take one little bite and then next thing you
know you eat to hold cigarette before you even smoke.
Oh my god, fun dip. I don't even the er
got eaten. It was with one of those big, like
one of those big jawbreaker balls. You can't imagine your
tongue would be bleeding. It bled so much. Andrew, I
(43:21):
literally I had to have it only for good. Okay,
we have one minute to get to Why do I care?
Why do I care? Okay, Grimes? Who is dating Elon Musk? Anything?
Grimes does fool back tad to done with white ink
that stunts fame. Let me see this. It's just it's
it's interesting, it's it looks like, oh no, this is
(43:45):
it looks like a girl. Just looks like both Man
prophecies poster. Does anyone know that when you bang like
a girl and she scratches your back banger really well,
that's what I mean. This looks like someone who It
looks like one of those spider webs where it's like
this spider was on weed. This spider was on LSD.
The spider was on coke. Have you ever seen that? Yes,
(44:07):
this looks like a spider that was on um uh,
I'm trying to think of like and this looks like
this looks like a spider that was on Heroin like design.
It like it's just completely it looks like, um, well
actually it's kind of a cool design. Yeah, you know what,
the more I look at it, the more I could
(44:28):
kind of looks like a ring worm gone awry and
someone's skin because it's like a white tattoo. But it
just looks like scratches. It's bad as it's it's as
bad as her baby's name. And that's uh. I think
that's what we learned here is that these people are
crazy and and as someone who's crazy, Elon Musk and
Grimes are both people that are crazy. Elon's obviously brilliant,
(44:52):
but he's um, he's got personality disorders and should not
be um. You know what's the word put on this
pedestal of like I want to be like him. I'd
like to hear her and Ben Affleck talk about their
what they were going through this. I love to talk
to Ben Affleck about that back tattoo. I mean, it's
the same kind of thing answers to that. That is
what I learned from this is that someday my goal
(45:13):
as a celebrity entertainer is to interview Ben Affleck about
his back tattoo and then maybe turn it into a
little like let's talk about this more after the podcast,
and then I started dating him. Let's get to our segment,
Finish my Sentence. This is where Andrew and I take
a sentence constructed by Noah and then we try to
finish it for each other and then we see who
(45:34):
gets it right. And it's a fun game you can
play with your friends, um, just to see how well
you think you know each other. So it's like the
newly co host game. Um, Noah, what's the sentence that
we're gonna finish for each other today? All right? The
last one was about deep oh security. Oh my god.
This segment is so scary. It led to our big
(45:56):
fight last time. But let's see what would it leads
to today. No, I hope you picked a good one. Okay.
The sentence is I'm about to make out with my
date on the couch, but their breath is kicking I okay,
So no, what can I just ask you a couple
of questions about this Leaden, Is this someone you really like?
Because for me, breath is like one of the first
(46:17):
things I can smell on someone and I would not
even make it to the couch with someone whose breath
was bad. But let's just say, like really into this.
I'm really into this person. I just haven't had a
chance to smell their breath until right now. Okay, and
we had a really fun date. And this is someone
I could like potentially see myself like being with and Andrew.
This is for Andrew's case, this is someone he could
he wants to have sex with. Yeah, you're very much
(46:40):
attracted to this person. Okay, and you're having a great time. Okay,
can I go first? So I'm about to make out.
I'm about to make out with my date on the
couch for the first time, but their breath, their breath
is kicking, So I just don't say anything and just
kiss their neck a lot and kind of try to
(47:03):
not think about it, and pretty soon I will rely
on the fact that I have such a herd on
and want to I this girl so much that the
breath thing won't bother me, and I'll go through with
it and just try to avoid kissing this person from
now on and maybe bring up the breath thing like
(47:24):
when it's time. But also never really broached that because
it's so awkward, but um, it wouldn't have Ultimately, it
wouldn't affect whether or not I tried to bang that
girl on the couch. Um that night. The end, I mean,
I think the exact thing has happened. So she nailed.
That was very good. I would definitely kiss on the night.
(47:44):
It's like morning sex when you don't get too close
to the face. Yeah, okay, And then for Nikki a second,
you're not going to elaborate this happened to you. Yeah, well,
anytime you have morning sex, I think it goes both ways.
We both have an understanding. Sex is different. It's like
I find that more sex is just everyone has it.
Like Gisel has morning breath, but like morning breath in
(48:04):
the morning for someone I already like, it doesn't smell bad,
whereas bad breath after like just bad breath naturally is
like a Well, now, I'm like kind of, I'm already
giving you too many clues to finish my sentence, so
I guess go into mine. I'm about to make out
with my day on the couch, but their breath is kicking.
(48:25):
I think, did we eat the same thing. Maybe my
breath might smell too, and maybe I'll bring it up
to the person in a very nice way where I'll say, hey,
does my breath smell, which will then be like, you
know what, I think I should brush my teeth because
we ate something bad. And then maybe I'll offer him
a toothbrush too, without exactly saying that his breasting so
(48:47):
he doesn't feel bad. And then I'll slowly unbuckle his
pants and start blowing him until um he started, and
then he's choking these so hard, and then andrew, what's up?
Why can't I I would never blow someone on a
first date. This isn't the first date. Yesterday, I'm about
(49:09):
to make out with my date. It was the first
day we established right now, you're making out with them
for the first time. Okay, Okay, So I go down,
I unbuckle his pants, I keep his boxers on, and
I start blowing him on top of his boxers. Like no,
I do that on like a fifth date. Like I
ease into the blow job, Like you don't just get
(49:30):
me to like you have to earn me putting your
mouth on your penis, and I have to like get
there in a way that I'm like and it's not
for me to like tempt you. I just want to
see what I'm dealing with through the pants, and then
maybe eventually I'll put my mouth on it if I
trust you or not, and then maybe i'll like do
it to completion if I trust you not from there,
and then maybe it can go in other places. But
like there's a process, but you do believe in the
(49:52):
over the pants. Over the pants blow job is something
I came up with recently. It is a great way
to not expose yourself to someone's skin or potential herpes,
although that like or whatever they might have there on
the other penis that's not even why I came up
with it, but it is probably a safer way. Not
not totally full proof, but you get the sense of
what they're on the shaft? Are you throwing that you're
(50:15):
gonna just like rub your face on it. You kind
of joke about it too, like I'm not gonna do
this yet, I'm not ready to. And it's not to tease.
It's not to be a cock tease and to make
him like have blue balls. It's just like feel it
out for yourself and to like be kind of funny
and be like you get some stuff done and it
excites him, doesn't feel bad. You know. It's like, do
you ever give them a little bit of heat, like
(50:37):
just blow out? Yeah, you breathe into it like you're
cleaning your glasses. You put your mouth around it like
your glasses frames, and you go like like you're getting
a Nintendo game to work. Yes, yes, exactly. Wait are
you putting the cotons or the cottons in your mouth? Yeah,
(50:59):
but it's like, you know, you do it like a
corn on the gobli on the side, but you just
like kind of just like roll up your face on
it and just be funny. Look, I ate out a
girl in college with her jeans still on. I get it,
I'm not ding. But back to the breath, then, can
I nice about it? I would. I'll tell you what
I would really do if their breath was kicking and
(51:20):
it was not like and it was like deep within
their soul kind of like bad smell, and it was
very repulsive to me. It would make me lose my
boner for them as um if I was even on
the fence. If I'm kissing them on a first date,
that means I'm probably not like fully into them yet. Um.
And so it would be something that could like turn
(51:40):
me off completely, But if it's like a bad taste
from like dinner, I would go, you need to brush
your teeth. And yeah, because if I'm kissing someone, I'm
already comfortable enough with them because I'm not someone who
just kisses someone easily. It takes me several nights of
being like I want to kiss this person so bad,
I can't help it. It's not something I just do
(52:01):
willie nilly. So at that point I'm comfortable enough with
them to be like, dude, whatever you ate, it's like
on you, and then they brush your teeth and then
it's out of the way, and it's it's not their fault.
It's something they ate. And as someone who can have
bad breath from things I eat, I don't take offense
to it when people are like like my makeup artist,
Robin is always like, oh my god, you need a minute,
like it's the tofu or something, And I'm not offended.
(52:22):
It's not like me inherently being like a stinky person.
It's just like I like stinky food sometimes. But can
I ask you, if it's a first date and they're
at your place, per se, do you let them use
your toothbrush on the first date. Yeah, I'd let I
I don't mind sharing toothbrushes. I know that's gross and
people are going, oh, nicky will, but I would just
be like, yeah, you can. Or I'd be like, here's
a mouthwash or something. Let's see if that helps. And
(52:44):
if it doesn't help, I'd be like, I'm sorry that.
I wouldn't go through with anything. I just like I wouldn't.
I maybe wouldn't say like, you have halitosis, and like
your smell is naturally repulsive to me and I don't
think I could ever be with you again. But that
would be the case, and I would kind of like
a sport them out, but not in a mean way.
They wouldn't feel they wouldn't know or feel bad about it.
I'd rather write a rap song about it later on.
(53:06):
Just kidding. That's what my ex boyfriend did to me. Um.
I do think like you can kind of tell if
someone has how what is it holitosis? You can't because
there have been several people in our social circle that
I've like, have you ever smelled his breath? And you're
like no, And I'm like, dude, you can smell it
from three feet away. It's like sometimes I just smell
(53:26):
a thing, like someone smell could be terrible. Like there's
certain people you smell their breath and you go, how
did how is anyone ever going to love them? But
I'm saying that there are people that, like you can
tell that they actually work on it and and they're
trying to take steps to correct it. And then people
that just lean into and their you know, their breath smells,
like the way their armpits look like just discutt like
everything's disgusting. Well they I think that people truly don't
(53:48):
know how bad they smell. Let's move into final thought
for the show today. I think that, um, the good
news is people who have bad breath or halitos. There
are some people that just don't have a sense of
smell due to COVID. So you're that's good news for
you guys. That's lingered for some people. And that's a
true thing. I dated a guy who didn't have a
(54:10):
sense of smell, and it was interesting, How was that
when he would go down on you? Would you be
less self conscious? Honestly? Yes, but I'm that was because
I was Now I wouldn't care. I know that like
if I smell bad down there. It's because he chose
to go down on me knowing I wasn't ready for it,
So it's not my fault. Like someone was talking about
(54:30):
eating ass last night, eating a last night and likes
there should be like little Listerine strips that would be
like the dissolvable strips. You could probably put one in
if you're wet enough, and it would dissolve, but it'd
probably give you some kind of like that probably would
I think that's yeah, yeah, but like maybe just a
(54:54):
little listening pocketback that if you go to the bathroom
before hook up, you could just slip in a little
strip though that would dissolve and it would just taste
like nothing, you know, like unscented pussy. Yeah, because you
don't want to You could throw a mint in your
mouth without brushing your whole teeth. You don't want to
have to do yours right right right, shark nicky, have
(55:15):
you ever washed with like Dr Brauner's peppermints? I can't
handle it. It's like some it's like someone's going down
on you. It's like there's like there's like it's like
pop rocks in your pus and there's a lot of
writing on that bottle and it's just intimidating. There's so
much what the like a trader Joe's frequent flyer is
(55:37):
on one of those things. No, it's um eating as things.
Someone said last night like they don't like it because
they're so nervous that there might be stuff down there.
And the thing is, if someone decides to go and
do that to you without warning, let's say in a
consensual way, but like kind of like just yeah, a
little bit and you're totally down for it. It It is
(55:59):
don't be nervous about that on yourself that if they
encounter anything that is their fault, they know what they're
going into. Much like the joke I did about um
having anal sex and I accidentally like there was a
little bit of a mess. I felt so embarrassed when
that happened to me the first time, and my ex
boyfriend handled it so beautifully by saying like, listen, don't
(56:21):
be don't be embarrassed. Like I knew the drill. You
play with fire sometimes if you play with fire, eventually
you're gonna get burned. And it's like, yeah, you when
a guy does something like so many women are scared
of shitting or like oh, I'm gonna get poop on
her his finger or guys are scared of that. It's like, well,
she went back there knowing that's where it comes from.
She's not a fucking idiot. So if you get a
(56:42):
little poop on her, that's her, that's on her. I
just I want people to feel less. I wanted myself
to feel less insecure, Like when I'm doing sexual things
that I'm like, oh my god, I might fart or
I might um, he might see my asshole and I
don't even know if I like clear it well enough
forgot the hair. It's like, well, he's putting me in
(57:03):
a position that I'm not being, like look into my
asshole and tell me all about it, like it's not
I'm not. It's okay if I'm not like perfect in
every little way and like I don't. But you can
tell how old you are by the rings on your asshole,
which is yeah, so if you lie, it's kind of
it's like a tree, right and you can see like
(57:24):
when there's been a lightning storm sometimes or when there
was like yeah, there was a massive Well there is
a TikTok that's going around, Like women just realizing that
guys see their butt hole from doggy style. Really yeah, yeah,
guy's sea bottle all the time. It's like, yeah, we're
looking at It's great. Like, are some buttles like I've
(57:46):
never seen, Like I've seen only like a couple of
my friends buttles just because I've like we've revealed them
to each other just to be like, let's see what's
going on. What have you seen buttles that have made
you go? Whoa? There was a butt hole I think
two thousand seven. I was during today. It was like
a three pm sex and we did doggy style and
(58:07):
she was just like there was a lot of light
in the room, so I saw, Yeah, there was a
decent amount of hair and it was what it is
what nowadays I wouldn't be as quite, but back then
I was a little bit more superficial. So you know,
And if girls have a lot of a lot of asks,
then it's harder to see your buttle because you've got
like a lot of crack and a lot to get
through before your butt hole is revealed. But someone with
(58:30):
like a skinny but like me like a like no ask,
Like my butt hole is like very much like accessible. Yeah,
it's protruding if anything. Yeah, it's like an Audie great car. No,
do you shave your butt hole? I had it lasered?
How long does that last? Forever? Uh? A lot? I
(58:51):
mean I've had to have a couple of treatments, but
it's pretty good. And then I do have to I
mean for personal hygiene, I just don't like to keep
It's really easy to shave your asshole. And as long
as you're doing it, and like you you use a razor,
it's just the it's the easiest one to do. You
kind of go. That's interesting that that that you would
think a butt hole being covered by hair would actually
(59:15):
be a good thing because you don't see the whole
but hole. Yeah, but people just hair is like so
repulsive to why it's so weird because of cultural Yeah,
just like you know, ducks have nineteen buttholes yea, and
(59:36):
like what are they shaped like? Man, They're they're all little. Yeah.
I feel really I feel almost just as bad about
that then when I messed up March Madness. So if
all you duck heads out there that want to come
at me, I apologize. I just want to I just
want to close you mallard mavens out there who know
(59:58):
all about how the ducks reproductive system. If you were
listening to that and screaming at your radio or your
I pod, I'm really thinking about old your your CD,
ROM cassette player and thinking like what the fuck Andrew,
get it right, Um, we really apologize to you because
(01:00:19):
I really let that go way longer than I should have.
And in the future, I will like get on these
kind of like misrepresentations of animal anatomy as quickly as
I can. I do feel like though people will say
the opposite and want you to let me go when
I think when I'm going to let you go because
it's hilarious how long you were and you were so
(01:00:39):
confident and I actually did trust you that time. I'm
never going to trust you again. But I will not
uh stop you from you know, filling yourself as Yeah,
you're a real uh Steve or Lose. But you know what,
if anyone got my Steve or Lose joke congratulations because
it was missed by both Noah Andrew and even me,
(01:01:01):
well it's it's what you means, Steve. Yeah, but Steve
rlus No, you are Steve R lose, not a win
you're lose the opposite. I mean it's bad, it was bad,
but people who got it, I think the same four
people who were like dust don't have six dicks pretty
(01:01:22):
much loved that Steve or lose joke. Yeah, I mean,
let's let's go. We'll see you tomorrow and all this
week on the pod, and make sure you keep sharing
it with your friends. Tell people to get in on it.
Become a bestie. Right. A review for the podcast, which
I did on my iTunes, give us five stars if
you love the show, don't give us four, like five
(01:01:44):
or nothing. I don't want to hear from if you
don't give us five, just that's just me like doing
bad reviews. We don't. We're not going to read the
bad ones. We read the good ones though. We love
your support, um and follow us on Nikki Glazer Pod.
Follow Noah and Noah Injection on Instagram. Follow Andrew Blue,
Checkmark Andrew T. Colin on and Sagram. Follow me Nicki Glazer.
I'm gonna announce a tour pretty soon coming up this summer.
I can't wait to share it with you guys. You
(01:02:05):
can come. I can see my best seas in person.
I love you so much and we'll see you this week. Okay, okay,
The Nikki Glaser Podcasts. Nikki, Yeah here I am No. Uh,
thank you so much, besties, thank you so much for listening.
If this is your first show to listen to, welcome
(00:21):
to it. Um It's Niki Laser podcast. You're now a bestie. Um.
I'm in a pretty damn good mood. I missed you
all this weekend. No, I missed you as well. I
want to do this every day. Glad we don't. We
all need a break, but I do miss doing it.
(00:41):
It's good to be back this week. It's like, uh, listen,
I'm a little bit my. The show that I'm working
on here on location in the Cayman Islands is coming
to an end this week. I believe Thursday is our
last day of shooting and um, and I'm deciding to
(01:01):
stay a couple of extra days after that, just to
enjoy the Caymans without you know, having to get air
and makeup. And even though I like working more than
not working, the show has been a complete blast. I
love being on set. I love every pretty much every
scene I shoot. I've never been this happy in a
(01:24):
job in my life. And it's coming to an end,
and I'm very, very sad. I'm not good with endings.
I'm not getting good with goodbyes. UM. I used have
a therapist who told me that, uh, in order for
me to stop seeing her, I would have to have
three sessions in which we said goodbye because I wasn't
good at goodbyes. But it turns out she's not wrong,
(01:45):
but she also just wanted three sessions to talk me
into staying with her. UM. But I really just shut
down before goodbyes. I tend to start either, you know,
causing I don't do this. I think maybe I have
in my past, but like finding detaching from it and
(02:06):
being not as sentimental and not leaning into like I'm
gonna miss everyone. I'm like not feeling it, just being like, yeah,
it just has to end, but like it's fine, just cold,
kind of cold, you know, because if I let the
feeling in of how sad I am that this thing that,
you know, I'll see the people again in different situations.
(02:27):
I'll have other jobs that are just as fulfilling and
fun and tropical locations. I hope this experience will never
happen again. The other shows that I've been on in
the past that I've had all ended pretty abruptly. Like
they were just canceled and it felt like, you know,
(02:48):
a magician pulling a tablecloth out from under me, and
I was like a little vase of flowers and I
stumbled a little bit, but I was still standing up
at the end of it, and it was just like, oh,
no more table cloth and it was like, Okay, well
that's over. It's like a death almost like a uh
and for me, that's almost better than a long like farewell,
(03:10):
you have this many you have four days to live
type of thing that I feel like on this show.
But what I'm trying to do is just be um present.
But at the same time, being present is not like
being in denial that it's ending. Like I keep saying
to people like we only have this much left, and
they're like, let's just enjoy the moment instead of thinking
(03:31):
about how much we're gonna be sad. And it's like, well,
that for me is the moment, Like I'm feeling sad
right now, and so I want to talk about that
um and process it, but it's just goodbyes are hard
and I don't And I was talking to my friend
last night who's on the show, and he's like, I
don't like I like to like get out without I
(03:52):
like to kind of irish exit like these these shows,
because he tends to work on these shows a lot,
and he was saying I tend to He was like, I,
I like might cry if I like hug people goodbye,
and I'm like, I know, like that's nice, and I
get it, Like sometimes you cry and you're like, oh,
I am like it's embarrassing when tears come out. I
(04:14):
cried the other day and I didn't know it was
going to happen, and it was. It felt it felt
great because usually I feel like tears I've used to
as like a means to get people to give me
comfort when I need it, like to signal to my parents,
like I need you to feel sorry for me. I
need pity, I need sympathy, I need like gentleness. And
(04:37):
it didn't work a lot of times. It was just
like what do you now, this is ridiculous. You're throwing
yourself on the floor screaming, crying, Or when I start crying,
I just feel like it's just to get attention because
maybe I used it in the past like that, So
now when I cry, I like I feel like I'm
trying to get attention even if it doesn't happen. I
cried the other day. Someone said something to me that
(04:59):
I just took the wrong way and like instantly caused tears.
And the person was joking, but it just like hit
this like nerve and and I couldn't help it. Like
it was like involuntary, and I have not cried involuntarily.
I can't even remember the last time. Like it's always
a thing where I'm like, let yourself feel this, let's
go there, It's okay to cry. I give myself permission.
(05:20):
And then I squeeze out of tear, like I literally
like squeeze a tear out of my cold, dry eye.
But this was like and like hiding my face because
I was like I'm fine and like trying to like
change the subject. And something about that felt good, because
it felt like, okay, good, It's not my fault that
I'm crying, whereas I always feel like things are my
(05:41):
fault or that I'm like conjuring them. Even though there's
no free will and you don't have any power over
anything and you're not choosing anything, there's something about when
you cry. I just always feel guilty if I'm doing
something to get something else, even if it is just
love or sympathy, I don't I just I'd rather or
just be like, hey, well can you hug me right now?
(06:02):
Or can I cry right now? Then to cry and
have and make someone I don't know, does this make
any sense to you know? Would you ask for that
though of someone or is it something that you kind
of don't ask for? Well, I think it's like when
I need to cry and there's something that's really upsetting me,
(06:24):
I will say like I will just go and I
think I'm gonna cry and I think I just need to,
and then like I start talking and then I can
really get it out. But like, for instance, the other day,
when I started crying, I didn't want to, and then
the person said, it's okay, like you were hurt by
what I said accidentally, like I didn't mean to hurt you,
but that's okay that you're feeling that way. And then
(06:45):
like I just kept all these things kept coming into
my brain that made me want to cry more because
I was like the thing that was said was so
it was an ingest. It was like a guy teasing me,
but it was like the my biggest fear ever was
what he said to me, like the thing he said
(07:08):
was like my truly deepest, darkest fear, and he like
confirmed it, but he was being very sarcastic and very
and I was just like, and then I just let
in all the things that in my past that have
kind of made me believe that about myself, and I
just didn't stop them. And then I just got to
like sob and it was fine, and he like let
me sob in front of him, and and I felt
(07:32):
it felt good. But I just it felt good because
I don't know, I just I really struggle with it.
It just feels masturbatory crying. It just feels like, oh,
just someone feel bad for them. So your life is
so hard? You little, you know, privileged, oh semi celebrity
(07:53):
who you know. Someone the other day was like, you're
gonna head back to life and life is going to
be so different for you when you go to St. Louis.
You're here on the show, everyone's taking care of your
every need. Everyone is like, is nicky happy, They're waiting
on your hand and foot, and you're gonna go back
to And I was like, I don't feel like that
(08:13):
makes me sad that people think that that's how I
view this experience, because this was someone who doesn't I
don't think think of me that way. I I really
struggle with whether I think I'm better than I am,
and I and I'm like this person that needs to
be taken down a couple of notches because God, you
think you're so cool. You're always name dropping, you always
(08:34):
talking about all your accomplishments. You're such a bragger or
And then I have on the other side of people
always telling me you have such low self esteem. You
don't know how great you are, and like, so the
second I feel good about myself and I feel I
have the self esteem that I'm constantly being told I
don't have, then I have people being like, oh, we
get it, You're such a star. Everyone dotes on you.
(08:55):
Ever you don't get have to lift a finger, NICKI
needs this. Everyone quick run and get it. So it's like,
which one do I do? You know? Like should? And
then when I shoot on myself and self deprecates so
that people don't think that I think I'm better than anyone,
because I truly don't think I am, I'm told you
have such bad self esteem. That's a bad example for women.
(09:15):
You need to feel better about yourself. You know you
deserve so much better. You need to surround yourself with
better people. You deserve like, which is it? And I
think this This isn't just me. I think this is
every woman is told you can't think you're too pretty
if you have too much self esteem, you're a fucking
bitch who thinks she's pretty. Mean girls style. Oh so
you think you're pretty because you said thank you too
(09:37):
when I said you're really pretty? You know that like line,
and you're really pretty and she's like thank you and
she goes, So you agree, you think you're really pretty.
It's like, where where do we just get to like ourselves?
And it's not too much and it's not not enough.
And guess what, there's no someone will always give you
ship for either of them, and it's not fair. So
(09:58):
I've just started calling that out. You know, when people
say you have low self esteem, you don't you deserve better?
You don't know what kind of uh you know, in
terms of like men or something like you deserve you
could get anyone you want. I go, no, I couldn't.
I'm not being delusional and thinking I can't get anyone
I want. And by the way. The people I go
(10:21):
for are not me lowering myself. I want those people.
I'm not like, well, I can't have that person, I'm
gonna go for this person. I think some of my
friends think, like, I just take whatever I can get?
Are you kidding me? I'm picky as fuck, and it
just so happens that sometimes those people aren't perfect. But
guess what neither is your husband? Like? Do you? Is
(10:42):
anyone have a perfect partner? So shut the funk up?
I mean that's me too. I I tell my friends
all the time their partners aren't good enough for them,
and then I'm like, actually, yeah, it's just there's just
no I'm I'm just trying to like myself but not
have an inflated sense of self. And that's a hard
(11:04):
thing to to to manage. And guess what, I'd rather
have an inflated sense of self than to feel the
way I used to feel about myself, which is hate
my body, hate my face, hate the fact that I'm aging,
hate my little crooked tooth in the front, hate my
skin texture, hate my boobs like you know, of the month,
except that when they're really popping off, you know, because
(11:25):
I'm ovulating. Hate like it's so boring to hate yourself
and I'm I'm my body is in good shape right now.
So I don't mean to say that, like it's so
easy to love your body because it ain't. It ain't.
But I do feel like I'm in a place of
acceptance over my body. I can say today that if
I gained some weight, I I really think that I
(11:46):
could be like that's the way I'm supposed to be
right now, and that's okay. It might change, because it will.
I'm not going to stay this way, but for today,
I can accept it, and it could change tomorrow. So
whatever you're feeling about your body today, girls, I know
you hate that one thing about yourself. Oh I can't
get it. A swimsuit swimsuit seasons coming up? What am
(12:06):
I gonna do? What what I said again on the
podcast last week? Someone quoted it on Twitter. It made
me feel so good. You are not to blame for
your body. You did not choose. If you could snap
your finger, you would make that cellulate on your thigh
go away. So it's not like you're choosing to have
to cellulator. Well, you shouldn't have eaten that bag of
smart pop last night. You ate the whole damn thing
(12:27):
and then you opened another thing of cookies. Do you
think you chose to do that? Do you think you
wanted that smart pop to make your love handle stick
out so you feel bad in the swimsuit? No, you didn't.
You want what's best for yourself, so you had some
fucking smart pop. Forgive yourself. Everyone forgive themselves today for
however you look or feel. I don't know how I
(12:49):
came around to this, and I don't know why this
is turning into a self help podcast, but honestly, it's
just because I need it today. Just give yourself what
you need. Yeah, just just let's all just be nice
to ourselves. I know it's easier said than done, but um,
I'm going to try to be nice to myself and
a thing that's harder for me than anything be nice
to Andrew Colin because I can be mean to him sometimes.
(13:12):
I've heard the feedback on the podcast. Let's see how
I do today. Let's get him in here, alrighty Andrew, Um,
I just got done talking about being nicer to myself,
and also that extends to being nicer to you. So
I'm going to be really nice to you. Today, but
like also find a balance. I've been nice to you recently.
(13:36):
I mean I think you just answered that I do
I have a say in this. I do feel like
you've been very kind to me, and I think I've
been heard. My only concern sometimes is when I tell
you things you think like I'm like you said the
other day, like, oh, you're building up these like a
(13:57):
case for me, like over the week, like, but I'm not.
I'm really not, Like I'm not trying to know. I
don't think you're building a case. No, And I just
don't want you to. Like sometimes I'm worried that I'll
voice something and then I'll be like it will be
taken in and but then you'll resent the fact, like
(14:18):
later on that I brought it up that could happen.
But you know, I'm not perfect, and either are you. No,
I'm far from it. I'm far from it. I messed
up a lot. I slept good. Um, what did I do? What? No?
Actually I didn't. I didn't go to bed till about
two thirty last night. Yeah, I mean last night. I
(14:39):
left you here. Yesterday yesterday a day off. No, we
we worked all day yesterday. I can't even keep track
yesterday with such a fun day of work Jesus Christ
for me at least. Um, No, it's fun for me too,
I thought so. I thought we had a lot of
good laughs. I feel like a little bit sometimes that's
what it felt like. Yesterday was like, well, we watched
train Wreck the other day. I've learned how Jet Epitau
(15:02):
worked when I was on that movie, and it's like
he had a little speaker. So when train Wreck, I'm
in the scene where we're at Amy's sisters baby shower
and we're in this living room and a group of
people talking about how much like Amy needs to get
married and have babies, and we're like these these women
just being like, oh my god, children changed my life.
And Jet app out we we had the script that
(15:23):
we did, but then he had a little speaker, and
usually I think he's in the room, but in that
case he was like out in like a different section
because the house was so small for all the equipment,
and a little speaker where he could give us line
reads and like pitch us lines to say. And that's
kind of like the way it is on set, is
I like go off of a loose script. And then
Andrew and a couple other guys are off camera just
(15:45):
shouting fun lines for me to say, and it's kind
of open to everyone. I try to open it up
to everyone to like contribute jokes. But it was just
so fun. Yesterday I was playing like a drill sergeant.
You'll see it during the show, but I was getting
to do a character of like a drill sergeant and
just screw dreaming at I love seeing that side of
you because you tend to like stick to like like
(16:07):
you don't get too silly, and you really leaned into
to be a character. Because I was dressed as a character.
If I'm you know, another scene I did like a
therapist and I got to I wore some glasses and
if I just put on a costume, I can get
into character so much better. Yesterday was the first day
that I was like I would kill it on S
and L, Like straight up, I would fucking kill it.
(16:30):
I don't know. I always wanted to do SNL, but
I was like, oh god, I'd be kind of embarrassed
doing characters, and it just felt so natural yesterday. It
was so fun and something I've never done before. But
I would really have a blast doing it because when
you dressed the role, you really can act a totally
different way. Like I It does speak to the fact
that when women put on makeup and like do their hair,
(16:52):
it's not just so that they can like attract men
or like get people to like them more. That's part
of it. Obviously some them and we'll deny that, but
it's definitely a part of it. Even if you claim
it's for myself, well the culture, it's for yourself because
inherently you know that it attracts men and people like
you more. But whatever, it's like, when I put a
(17:13):
tuxedo on, I feel like I could have sex with
the fourth hottest bridesmaid. Yes, yeah, I'm not going to
shoot for the best woman or whatever for the second hottest.
At least this girl has a lot of friends. I'm
kind of for it seems like a lot um. But anyway,
just dressing, Oh yeah, it's such a good look in
(17:37):
such a good luck. W we wear them more often.
It's like Thanksgiving dinner. You only do it once a
year because I think it would take away the special
mist of it and it is such a pain in
the ask to wear. And yeah, it's a good it's
a good look. And I think the Yeah, the rarity
of it makes it. It is funny when you dress
like a piece of ship all the time and then
the one time you put a tie on and people
(17:57):
are like, WHOA, how shitty do I look in my
normal life that when I get dressed up once, people
are like blown away, Yes, I mean really really shitty.
Uh No. I feel the same way when I put
on like a dress. Sometimes people are like whoa, hey
look at and I go, no, this is literally all
(18:19):
my clothes. This is laundry day. This is like the
bottom of the barrel for me. I look like I'm
this is a special occasion. But the occasion is I
don't have any more shorts to where Jim look at
you with legs like, yeah, I've had legs this whole time. Yes. Yes.
I was telling someone the other day. I was like,
you know, we lived together, but we lived usually like
(18:39):
in New York or St. Louis. I've seen you in
more sun dresses. And I was telling Luna and I
was like, I see, I've never seen her with this
much skin, Like I've seen so much of your skin. Yeah,
You're like you've seen me. I could be naked in
front of you at this point. I think we reached
that point the other day where I was like, because Noah,
I'm like changing in front of people all the time.
(19:01):
I don't care about being naked. I really don't have
a problem with like people seeing me topless on set,
like I'll change, and it's it's more like the people
around me that are like, uh, And I don't want
to make anyone awkward, so I always do go in
the other room. But because you know, it's not just
the choice of the naked person. Yeah, I go in
the other room to like tweak my nipples and then
I come back in and take my shirt off. No,
(19:22):
I'm not Andrew Colling. Before I get in the pool
or in the shower by yourself or in bed by yourself,
or nipple's got to be hard. It makes it tis
look so much better if I had. I always said,
if I had tiny nipples, I would look so jacked. Yeah,
why don't just get nipple surgery? I might wait, wait,
what point I feel like I could get naked in
(19:44):
front of you? And it's like the way that I've
grown with you in terms of like because I tried
to have good boundaries about that stuff. Like throughout our
friendship in terms of like because I'm still like a
hot chick and men aren't. Like you can't turn off
that part of your brain. I mean I guess you can.
Like you had assist you don't have a sister, but
if you would, like she died in my mom's womb, well,
(20:05):
not to bring it down, but she did. Okay, Well,
if that sister would have survived your mom's um, she
probably would. Good and you had a hot sister because
some people have hot sisters. Is there a time I
used to have a joke of it where a guy
told me he's friend zoning me and he's like, you
just remind me my sister, And I'm like, is it
the time on spring break when your sister took off
her shirt and she had like a swimsuit on. You
didn't know it was her at first, and you were like,
(20:26):
whoa that girls taught oh ship, that's my sister. Wasn't
like that two seconds And he's like, no, like it
more when she was eating spaghetti with her hands. Yeah,
that's funny. I'll use that, but that's like, do you
know what I mean? Like I never want to be
that sister for because I know we have like a
sister brother vibe and like I never want you like
to like make blood flow to your penis like accidentally,
(20:46):
because it's like a naked woman, you know, like a
guy in oncologist looking at someone, like like a doctor
looking at a body that could also be like wow,
that's a that's a that's a nice specimen. So I'm
also looking at it scientifically like I thank you, like
I look at like and but I mean I also
can tell. I mean I don't want to like tell,
(21:08):
but I let you know when I when like, I
know you don't love this, but when you when whatever,
you're well put together, you look great, I want to
let you know, just like I would let my sister
no to that she looks great, and I want to yeah,
and then I close it out with a yeah, yeah,
I know when you I know when you're when whenever
(21:30):
you don't spread your cheeks like that's a there's two
different Nikki farts where she grabs her cheek and doesn't
let this I only in front of you, I only
grab my like make it silent if you're like on
Instagram live or right now when we were recording, but
like now with you. I never would hold in a fart.
It's like that, if anything, you put your cheeks tighter
(21:51):
together when we When I didn't fart in front of you.
Back in the day, I wasn't like doing like the sidewise.
I would just save it till I went to the
bathroom or like went to my room. But now, if
they're coming out, they're coming out. The only reason I
would make it silent around you now is if you
were on Instagram Live or were recording our podcast. Yeah.
I love that about yet, But let me just say
before we get to the news that last night, I
will say I have predicted you staying up all night
(22:13):
because I was socializing in the building. I went up
two flights to go hang out in Dan's room with
a couple of people, and uh we it would have
been such a fun hang but you stayed down here.
I came back in to go get Like I made
a snack last night. I came back in to make
a snack. I walk in the TV is on Andrew's
on the couch in the dark. Soccer is on on Mute,
(22:35):
and and Andrew is listening to John Mayer slow dancing
in a burning room on his phone by himself in
the dark at like this was probably eleven thirty at night. Yeah,
going on with you. Not Honestly, I've had moments where
I've been listening to music when I'm very sad and
like introspective and whatever. Last night it just John Mayer
(22:57):
came up on TikTok. He's on TikTok now, and uh,
that burning Room song? He he do edit it? So
I tried to do edit with it, like funny, but
it doesn't come out whatever. I just stumbled into and
I was like, God, I really liked the song. And
then I put it on. I was like, wow, John
Mayor is fucking great. And then I kind of went
on a John Mayor a little kick. But I have
(23:17):
know that John Mayer, that's funny that you didn't know
it was so great. And that song slow Dancing in
a Burning Room, it's about he wrote it. I think
when about Jennifer Aniston. That's why I like it even more.
But you bring that up and I had a moment
when I got and this is why we're friends. I
got that age test when I was still a virgin,
because you know, I fingered a girl and I by
my nails uh. And this was freshman year and I
(23:38):
took the test and I didn't get the results, or
it might have just got the results. And I went
back to my dorm room and I was listening to
Cats Stevens, which is like listen to to the wind
of muscle. So my roommate came in, comes into my door.
(23:58):
Really knows he comes into my dorm and thin because
to sad music. You just listening to that song. It
was more father and son. I think it's I bet
it was. Let's get to the news Andrew Hey here comes. Yes,
(24:27):
oh boy, oh man. First of all, you heard it
here first, thank you so much. To one of our listeners.
He sent in, Oh my god, we love this so much.
Someone sent a clip from Veep in which Mike McClintock,
who I believe is more like Andrew than he probably
would ever want to admit, but he definitely does admit that.
(24:48):
It's I'd love to be Mike. He's a great job. Yes,
he's an actor. He they sent. Yeah, he's a great actor.
Um No, not the character Mike McClinton in a Veep.
He is doing a blog. He does a blog called
uh Mike mcclint talk. It's after he's been fired from
(25:10):
Selena's uh you know campaign. But Mike McLintock is literally
like one of our favorite characters of all time. He
has played by UMT Matt Walsh, Thank you. He's played
by Matt Walsh as amazing comedic actor. But he's one
of my favorite characters of all time. On delay out,
Yes for sure. No, this is so this is the
clip from it. Okay, someone send it in. This is
(25:32):
This is a clip from v Amanda sent it Amanda,
Thank you so much. Amanda, one of our besties sent
in this clip from VEEP where it's a clip from
Mike McClintock show Mike from mclinn talk with Mike McLintock.
And this is he's in his living room doing a
(25:53):
blog alive like podcast and he says, you heard it
here first, and it's so funny because that is who
you are. I've always said it's who you are, and
it's actually is. Look, hey, look, brilliant minds think alike.
You know me and Mike mcley Andrew Colin talk. Oh okay,
well let's get into it. Man. I flipped that one. Yeah,
(26:16):
McCall alright, this first story. First of all, I want
everyone I thought you were going to forget. I was.
I was gonna get you so bad if you forgot it.
I hope everyone's having fun out there for sure, even
you guys out there and girls. Um also have all
the swells today, everyone, all of you there. Um, So
(26:37):
here we go. That was a weird. That was a
good one. Yeah, I'm trying to switch and guys like, okay, yeah,
I'm trying to keep them on their toes and fingers.
Didn't include a non binary but that's fine, go on,
they and them too. Um. Okay, A baby in Iraq
is the first ever you ready for this Nikki to
be born with three penises? Okay? All right, I mean
(27:03):
really take that in. I mean a guy like a
Medusa's head of Yeah, yes, but three, I mean three.
I mean great things come in threes, just not penises.
There they come, all right, all right. He underwent surgery
to remove two of the fallacies. Surgery. Okay, Yeah. The
(27:25):
three of them had a rectal tissue but did not
have a eurether, so they had no hole. Um extra
or suit. You didn't have the eurethe run did one
was in the right spot. It would be funny if
the one with the urethro was like on his shoulder,
but okay, or the one with the smallest one is
just like, um, do we have to the Dad's like,
(27:47):
do we have to lose those other two that seemed
to be about, you know, an inch longer than that one? Well, sir,
it's the only one with a hole for semen and
pe to come out of if you want your son to, uh,
you know, have sepsis within days of being born. But
it's so, is there like a way to drill a
(28:08):
hole in the other sir? That would be a very
life threatening surgery. Um, it would be much easier just
cut off these two huge dicks and leave the small
one with the whole that functions. I'd rather kill them,
you know what. Honestly, let's just let's risk it. Let's
just murder the baby. I would take out the baby.
I mean this one. This an article is interesting to
me because you are a man who is obsessed with
(28:31):
I love how open you, how you open you are
about talking about penises and how you wish you had
a different one. And I have three. I first of all,
I would take all three and put them together like
a megatron dick like legost yes um extra or supernumerary
numerary penises are rare congenital condition, occurring only once every
(28:55):
five million to six million live verse, which is wild
because you would think the more dicks the better in
a way, like I wonder if we ever had a
ton of dicks, you know, duck A ton ducks I
think have like like they have a it's kind of
funked up. They have a dick for uh wait, what
(29:16):
is it they have? I think they have multiple dicks
because the female duck has multiple vaginas, and one vagina
or a couple of them are for if they get raped,
and then the other one is for if they really
want to have a baby with the one duck. So
the duck has a I'm surprised women haven't come up
with rape vaginas with all the raping we've had throughout
(29:38):
the species. But then a guy like this guy in
Iraq would have grown three dicks. Maybe he's onto something, right, Okay,
so a duck has a dick that will fake out
the other vagina. I could be completely wrong. I mean,
I am definitely possive that this information is false and
(29:58):
Noah's scrambl about. I don't know why I trusted you.
I almost wanted you to build your own, take your own,
you know, tricked into going into and like a duck.
I don't think i'm completely I fell into that hole. No,
(30:19):
can you look this up and we can maybe at
the end of the story. All I'm finding is that
ducks have corkscrew shaped penises. Okay, that is not anything
many dicks andrew, what the fun here? Let me share? Okay,
(30:39):
let me share this. We'll learn here. That's a duck dick.
Oh man, I'd rather Oh my god, that looks like
a worm is wrapped around a dick, squeezing the life
out of it like a bow instrictor. Yea, like a
duck penis and is squeezing it wrapped on like a
(31:00):
snake in anaconda. Okay, um oh, I really don't want
to look at that anymore. I feel ducks have more
than one vagina though. Do ducks have a secret vagina
like a rape vagina and a regular vagina? Oh God?
I mean, I think it's probably some animal, but duck
was maybe not the right one. I don't put it
past science and biology to have some creature that is
(31:22):
multiple va sing rays have two I think No, dude,
sing rays have two vaginas. I don't know. And they
got a mouth too. I know that it bit me, um, Andrew.
But the thing I want to ask you a question.
Would you rather be two inches three inches taller or
have half an inch added to your penis? Three inches taller?
(31:46):
Half an inch different? But I've just made it at
half an inch. No, I'd rather be three inches tall Okay,
an inch added to your hard erect penis, one penis,
single penis, or three inches taller to your height. They're
doing anything to the girth. Every guy listening to podcast,
please tell us what you do. And and this doesn't
count if you gotta be five nine or under to
(32:08):
answer this question. Three inches will really change a five
nine guys live, or so they think. Okay, so three
inches of hyper it's one inch of penis. I would
go with. Fuck, it's so tough. What about this? You
have a choice. You either lose half an inch of
(32:29):
dick or you get three inches shorter, which one oh h.
The time of running out on this segment, Andrew, make
a choice. Okay, first of all, I'd rather have an
inch longer of penis because there's some moves that I
really want to do, and I know, just one more inch,
I could fuck them. And I'm already I'm five nine,
(32:52):
which is okay, You're either gonna be five six or
have an inch shorter penis. What's it going to be?
Half in shorter penis penis? Because if you're five six,
that eliminates so much pussy for you. You think there's
a good guy on the show with that's five three
who gets plenty of puss. He's yeah, that's true too,
(33:15):
and penis is probably pretty long. I don't know all right.
Next story, William Shatner uh says getting older is terrifying
as the world celebrates his ninety birthday. William Schattner's ninety.
I really liked some of these quotes about dying and
getting older, because you always think that when you get
older you just accept it and everything's fine, and but
(33:36):
he had some really tragic quotes that I think are
just like, well, this one. Loneliness is endemic to human beings.
We are essentially alone. As much as we are with
other people, we are alone. Now people who are religious say, well,
there's God, and God is with you and is the
father figure. And I don't happen to believe that I
envied those who do. I think we die and our
(33:58):
bodies are consumed and we enter the universe. Damn spoken
like a true man who has never seen one episode
of Star Trek. Do you know that he's never watched
a single episode of Star Trek? I mean, I think
he's right, I um, I Like, I liked reading this
because he was just like, I'm very lonely. The best
you know what the best part of this he got
(34:21):
divorced a year ago. Yeah, so he's talking about loneliness
or whatever. But even at nine year old man, he's
like I can I still do better? Or like, I mean,
what an idiot? Yeah, that's a good point. That was
like you realizing, like you go, oh, I definitely Adam wait,
(34:41):
I'd never wait. Yeah, it's just like, so he got
divorce last year, so he's dealing with loneliness, and I
do think about that, Like the longer you live, the
more people in your life you lose. I was at
a graveyard the other day, like trying to honor the
people I've lost in my life that have meant the
most to me. And I only had five names to
(35:01):
right in the sand of like deaths to me that
have like really made my life difficult at times. That's
such a low number. And the names none of them
were like if you died, if Noah died, if Anya died,
if my parents died, if my sister. I have so
many people to lose and to suffer through losing them
that it seems almost worse to keep living because and
(35:24):
then by the end of it, you have no friends left.
Like if you get to be nine, most of your friends,
if you're cool and you're like a freshman who hung
out with mostly seniors, they're fucking older than you and
they're gone. I know. But by the time if we're
still friends and I die, you're gonna it's gonna be
the best two years here. You're gonna be You don't
want to be your friends around to the end. And
(35:46):
that's why you have to keep making friends and make
friends with younger people throughout your life to keep you
young and just I mean, loneliness is my biggest fear.
There was one more quote he had in this that
I liked a lot, Did you get it? No? That
was the only one written there, But no, there wasn't.
There was tons more, but that's fine. Um this I
try to focus on the beauty of life, which is
(36:07):
eggs in the mountains, the horses, love dogs, tea, and
the taste of orange, which the taste of an orange,
which I just had, The sensory and philosophical beauty of life,
the connection that I know that all of life has,
is something so profoundly moving that I think of it
a lot. I mean, the taste of an orange to
be ninety and be like, wow, the taste of an orange,
(36:28):
and and just the idea of like love, like I
I think that just I think, Uh, I'm trying to think,
Like I am in a dilemma right now where it's
like I really want to just like feel like I
(36:48):
want to I want to live my life in a
way that I know it can't last. And I'm like,
I just want to give into this feeling because even
though it's short lived, I just want to like live
it at its utmost. But I'm also scared because, oh
my god, if I really give in to it, when
it goes away, I'm going to be that much sadder.
But at the same time, I'm like, what is a
life worth living? If you always are just keeping everything
(37:08):
muted because you're so scared of getting hurt, You're so
scared of the pain. On the other side, I feel
like I want to just like I want to if
I have those connections or those like moments to like,
oh my god, I there's this dog. I don't want
to get that dog. It only has three months to live,
and and I'll just be sad when it's gone. Like Okay,
so I'm just gonna like not get that dog and
(37:28):
not love something just because it's gonna go away. We're
all gonna go away in the end. So I'm like,
I want to kind of live my life not so
scared of like the hurt that follows it, because I
can always go to therapy. I always I have tools
to process my emotions and my pains. That um it's
I don't wanna try to mute feelings and like the
taste of things, and like I don't want to eat
(37:51):
things that don't taste good. I want to taste an
orange and like taste it and be like, you know what,
this tastes so fucking good. Instead of like keeping myself
from things or changing on something that binging on a
bunch of oranges is not and not really tasting them
at all. That makes sense, Yes, I just I think
like sometimes, like you know, if we think about stand
up for instance, you don't get too excited after shows,
(38:16):
because if you get so excited to come down of it,
it's gonna be even darker. Like it's like when you're
when you when you love something too much when it's gone.
I don't not get excited for stand up Shows's scared
of that you do? Oh, I don't know. I'm just
thinking about Like, but I'm saying that could transfer over
(38:36):
to your life, Like you don't do that with stand up,
So maybe you condition your brain after twenty years to
not get excited about anything because if it goes away,
you don't want to feel I don't ye know that
makes sense. Like with Conan, I try to keep it tempered.
But that's just more so that I can actually do
a good job and not be like I'm about to
be Conan instead of like I got to write a
joke for Conan. But like when I'm in it, I'm
(38:58):
trying to like, I just celebrate this. This is a
major and it won't be forever because someday I'll be
old and not as funny and not as relevant, and
I won't get to go on Conan. Yeah, it's sad when,
like you, you decide I'm gonna like first girlfriend whatever
or the first boyfriend, and you're like you love them
with everything in your heart because you watch so many
romantic comedies and you're like, this is it, I'm gonna
(39:20):
marry this person, and then they hurt you, and then
you get so afraid of ever feeling that pain again
that you don't ever go close to the sun. And
I want to lay on the sun. I want to
freak hang out in the sun as well. I agree
with that. I my friends last night were like, don't
like the pain that follows this if you do this thing,
(39:40):
and I go, I've been through it before, I've survived
it all and it's led to amazing comedy specials. I'll
take that pain and I'll write a fucking song with it,
like I will Taylor Swift that pain. I don't want
to live a life where I never put myself in
a position to get hurt, because hurt makes you be
able to love later, and it makes you makes you
able to create dope ass podcast that everyone fucking resonates
(40:03):
with and go ahead, nate that dope as podcast. Dope
as podcast which people resonate with. I hate when people
say I resonate with something. It's like you're not resonating
with it. It's resonating with you. Okay, next story. And
you can always yell at me yeah, fuck you, I can.
I mean, fun yeah, I can, hell yeah, And I
wouldn't even be upset, Okay, I mean I was going
(40:25):
to try not to say the effort on this podcast
anymore because I want people to be able to listen
in to the car with their kids and not be
like mommy, she said the ffort. Worry about that. Howard
starting your favorite person on Earth and his stuff can't
pay in front of terrestrial radio forever and was able
to talk about, you know, really edgy things without using
foul language. I don't like fo language words that well,
(40:46):
I'm just going to be more choosy with it and
more cognizant of the fact. Was watching interview from last
night actually, and he was saying wrong words on like Letterman. Okay.
A couple with the rest after cops found their four
year old son unsupervised in a car while they were
shopping in a sex store. Troopers went into the amazing intimate,
(41:07):
essential adult store and found the mother of the unattended
boy and her partner who were in the store for
fifteen minutes. It was two women year old women were arrested.
Bail set at five thousand. So they loved it in
the car for four minutes. Fifteen minutes. And where was
this in a sex store? Oh? New York. Okay, so
(41:30):
it wasn't too Connecticut, ypology, it wasn't too hot. The
kid was alone fifteen months. My mom used to go
into the store to get cigarettes and like maybe a
scratch her ticket or you know, and the grocery store
and leave us in the car. That wouldn't take fifteen minutes.
Yeah maybe, I mean, any store could be a sex store.
You can put anything in yourself, not funk yourself by
(41:51):
We don't say funk here. We want to, don't. We
never will say again, you guys, And it's just ridiculous.
Why in regards to your own mother fucking or something
that would be disgusting, And we don't want your kids
hearing I was talking. I already feel bad about this. Yeah, okay,
so this was a couple that and they were arrested. Yeah,
you should have been. That is neglect. You shouldn't be
by the way because you know they're going to bring
(42:12):
back in the toys and talk about it. That means
that's that's a that's a group of Uh that's a
couple who probably has sex and talks about sex a
little too openly around their kids. Here's the thing. Your
mom knew exactly what kind of cigarettes you wanted to buy,
so she was in and out in three minutes. Yeah,
if you're going to go to a porn store, just
know what dildo. Pick it out online before, know exactly
what you want. Those camel unfiltered vibrators, Yeah, what's like
(42:38):
a looks like a camel? And get me the candy
dildos so I can pretend like I'm like mom and
and and you know me, little chalk stuff comes out. Story. Yeah, like,
oh candy cigarettes were so delicious. I love them so much.
But they did definitely make me feel cool like I
was smoking and probably led to me smoking later on.
(42:58):
It's all propaganda built by uh, well, we both have
a d D. We started smoking a cigarette and then
you take one little bite and then next thing you
know you eat to hold cigarette before you even smoke.
Oh my god, fun dip. I don't even the er
got eaten. It was with one of those big, like
one of those big jawbreaker balls. You can't imagine your
tongue would be bleeding. It bled so much. Andrew, I
(43:21):
literally I had to have it only for good. Okay,
we have one minute to get to Why do I care?
Why do I care? Okay, Grimes? Who is dating Elon Musk? Anything?
Grimes does fool back tad to done with white ink
that stunts fame. Let me see this. It's just it's
it's interesting, it's it looks like, oh no, this is
(43:45):
it looks like a girl. Just looks like both Man
prophecies poster. Does anyone know that when you bang like
a girl and she scratches your back banger really well,
that's what I mean. This looks like someone who It
looks like one of those spider webs where it's like
this spider was on weed. This spider was on LSD.
The spider was on coke. Have you ever seen that? Yes,
(44:07):
this looks like a spider that was on um uh,
I'm trying to think of like and this looks like
this looks like a spider that was on Heroin like design.
It like it's just completely it looks like, um, well
actually it's kind of a cool design. Yeah, you know what,
the more I look at it, the more I could
(44:28):
kind of looks like a ring worm gone awry and
someone's skin because it's like a white tattoo. But it
just looks like scratches. It's bad as it's it's as
bad as her baby's name. And that's uh. I think
that's what we learned here is that these people are
crazy and and as someone who's crazy, Elon Musk and
Grimes are both people that are crazy. Elon's obviously brilliant,
(44:52):
but he's um, he's got personality disorders and should not
be um. You know what's the word put on this
pedestal of like I want to be like him. I'd
like to hear her and Ben Affleck talk about their
what they were going through this. I love to talk
to Ben Affleck about that back tattoo. I mean, it's
the same kind of thing answers to that. That is
what I learned from this is that someday my goal
(45:13):
as a celebrity entertainer is to interview Ben Affleck about
his back tattoo and then maybe turn it into a
little like let's talk about this more after the podcast,
and then I started dating him. Let's get to our segment,
Finish my Sentence. This is where Andrew and I take
a sentence constructed by Noah and then we try to
finish it for each other and then we see who
(45:34):
gets it right. And it's a fun game you can
play with your friends, um, just to see how well
you think you know each other. So it's like the
newly co host game. Um, Noah, what's the sentence that
we're gonna finish for each other today? All right? The
last one was about deep oh security. Oh my god.
This segment is so scary. It led to our big
(45:56):
fight last time. But let's see what would it leads
to today. No, I hope you picked a good one. Okay.
The sentence is I'm about to make out with my
date on the couch, but their breath is kicking I okay,
So no, what can I just ask you a couple
of questions about this Leaden, Is this someone you really like?
Because for me, breath is like one of the first
(46:17):
things I can smell on someone and I would not
even make it to the couch with someone whose breath
was bad. But let's just say, like really into this.
I'm really into this person. I just haven't had a
chance to smell their breath until right now. Okay, and
we had a really fun date. And this is someone
I could like potentially see myself like being with and Andrew.
This is for Andrew's case, this is someone he could
he wants to have sex with. Yeah, you're very much
(46:40):
attracted to this person. Okay, and you're having a great time. Okay,
can I go first? So I'm about to make out.
I'm about to make out with my date on the
couch for the first time, but their breath, their breath
is kicking, So I just don't say anything and just
kiss their neck a lot and kind of try to
(47:03):
not think about it, and pretty soon I will rely
on the fact that I have such a herd on
and want to I this girl so much that the
breath thing won't bother me, and I'll go through with
it and just try to avoid kissing this person from
now on and maybe bring up the breath thing like
(47:24):
when it's time. But also never really broached that because
it's so awkward, but um, it wouldn't have Ultimately, it
wouldn't affect whether or not I tried to bang that
girl on the couch. Um that night. The end, I mean,
I think the exact thing has happened. So she nailed.
That was very good. I would definitely kiss on the night.
(47:44):
It's like morning sex when you don't get too close
to the face. Yeah, okay, And then for Nikki a second,
you're not going to elaborate this happened to you. Yeah, well,
anytime you have morning sex, I think it goes both ways.
We both have an understanding. Sex is different. It's like
I find that more sex is just everyone has it.
Like Gisel has morning breath, but like morning breath in
(48:04):
the morning for someone I already like, it doesn't smell bad,
whereas bad breath after like just bad breath naturally is
like a Well, now, I'm like kind of, I'm already
giving you too many clues to finish my sentence, so
I guess go into mine. I'm about to make out
with my day on the couch, but their breath is kicking.
(48:25):
I think, did we eat the same thing. Maybe my
breath might smell too, and maybe I'll bring it up
to the person in a very nice way where I'll say, hey,
does my breath smell, which will then be like, you
know what, I think I should brush my teeth because
we ate something bad. And then maybe I'll offer him
a toothbrush too, without exactly saying that his breasting so
(48:47):
he doesn't feel bad. And then I'll slowly unbuckle his
pants and start blowing him until um he started, and
then he's choking these so hard, and then andrew, what's up?
Why can't I I would never blow someone on a
first date. This isn't the first date. Yesterday, I'm about
(49:09):
to make out with my date. It was the first
day we established right now, you're making out with them
for the first time. Okay, Okay, So I go down,
I unbuckle his pants, I keep his boxers on, and
I start blowing him on top of his boxers. Like no,
I do that on like a fifth date. Like I
ease into the blow job, Like you don't just get
(49:30):
me to like you have to earn me putting your
mouth on your penis, and I have to like get
there in a way that I'm like and it's not
for me to like tempt you. I just want to
see what I'm dealing with through the pants, and then
maybe eventually I'll put my mouth on it if I
trust you or not, and then maybe i'll like do
it to completion if I trust you not from there,
and then maybe it can go in other places. But
like there's a process, but you do believe in the
(49:52):
over the pants. Over the pants blow job is something
I came up with recently. It is a great way
to not expose yourself to someone's skin or potential herpes,
although that like or whatever they might have there on
the other penis that's not even why I came up
with it, but it is probably a safer way. Not
not totally full proof, but you get the sense of
what they're on the shaft? Are you throwing that you're
(50:15):
gonna just like rub your face on it. You kind
of joke about it too, like I'm not gonna do
this yet, I'm not ready to. And it's not to tease.
It's not to be a cock tease and to make
him like have blue balls. It's just like feel it
out for yourself and to like be kind of funny
and be like you get some stuff done and it
excites him, doesn't feel bad. You know. It's like, do
you ever give them a little bit of heat, like
(50:37):
just blow out? Yeah, you breathe into it like you're
cleaning your glasses. You put your mouth around it like
your glasses frames, and you go like like you're getting
a Nintendo game to work. Yes, yes, exactly. Wait are
you putting the cotons or the cottons in your mouth? Yeah,
(50:59):
but it's like, you know, you do it like a
corn on the gobli on the side, but you just
like kind of just like roll up your face on
it and just be funny. Look, I ate out a
girl in college with her jeans still on. I get it,
I'm not ding. But back to the breath, then, can
I nice about it? I would. I'll tell you what
I would really do if their breath was kicking and
(51:20):
it was not like and it was like deep within
their soul kind of like bad smell, and it was
very repulsive to me. It would make me lose my
boner for them as um if I was even on
the fence. If I'm kissing them on a first date,
that means I'm probably not like fully into them yet. Um.
And so it would be something that could like turn
(51:40):
me off completely, But if it's like a bad taste
from like dinner, I would go, you need to brush
your teeth. And yeah, because if I'm kissing someone, I'm
already comfortable enough with them because I'm not someone who
just kisses someone easily. It takes me several nights of
being like I want to kiss this person so bad,
I can't help it. It's not something I just do
(52:01):
willie nilly. So at that point I'm comfortable enough with
them to be like, dude, whatever you ate, it's like
on you, and then they brush your teeth and then
it's out of the way, and it's it's not their fault.
It's something they ate. And as someone who can have
bad breath from things I eat, I don't take offense
to it when people are like like my makeup artist,
Robin is always like, oh my god, you need a minute,
like it's the tofu or something, And I'm not offended.
(52:22):
It's not like me inherently being like a stinky person.
It's just like I like stinky food sometimes. But can
I ask you, if it's a first date and they're
at your place, per se, do you let them use
your toothbrush on the first date. Yeah, I'd let I
I don't mind sharing toothbrushes. I know that's gross and
people are going, oh, nicky will, but I would just
be like, yeah, you can. Or I'd be like, here's
a mouthwash or something. Let's see if that helps. And
(52:44):
if it doesn't help, I'd be like, I'm sorry that.
I wouldn't go through with anything. I just like I wouldn't.
I maybe wouldn't say like, you have halitosis, and like
your smell is naturally repulsive to me and I don't
think I could ever be with you again. But that
would be the case, and I would kind of like
a sport them out, but not in a mean way.
They wouldn't feel they wouldn't know or feel bad about it.
I'd rather write a rap song about it later on.
(53:06):
Just kidding. That's what my ex boyfriend did to me. Um.
I do think like you can kind of tell if
someone has how what is it holitosis? You can't because
there have been several people in our social circle that
I've like, have you ever smelled his breath? And you're
like no, And I'm like, dude, you can smell it
from three feet away. It's like sometimes I just smell
(53:26):
a thing, like someone smell could be terrible. Like there's
certain people you smell their breath and you go, how
did how is anyone ever going to love them? But
I'm saying that there are people that, like you can
tell that they actually work on it and and they're
trying to take steps to correct it. And then people
that just lean into and their you know, their breath smells,
like the way their armpits look like just discutt like
everything's disgusting. Well they I think that people truly don't
(53:48):
know how bad they smell. Let's move into final thought
for the show today. I think that, um, the good
news is people who have bad breath or halitos. There
are some people that just don't have a sense of
smell due to COVID. So you're that's good news for
you guys. That's lingered for some people. And that's a
true thing. I dated a guy who didn't have a
(54:10):
sense of smell, and it was interesting, How was that
when he would go down on you? Would you be
less self conscious? Honestly? Yes, but I'm that was because
I was Now I wouldn't care. I know that like
if I smell bad down there. It's because he chose
to go down on me knowing I wasn't ready for it,
So it's not my fault. Like someone was talking about
(54:30):
eating ass last night, eating a last night and likes
there should be like little Listerine strips that would be
like the dissolvable strips. You could probably put one in
if you're wet enough, and it would dissolve, but it'd
probably give you some kind of like that probably would
I think that's yeah, yeah, but like maybe just a
(54:54):
little listening pocketback that if you go to the bathroom
before hook up, you could just slip in a little
strip though that would dissolve and it would just taste
like nothing, you know, like unscented pussy. Yeah, because you
don't want to You could throw a mint in your
mouth without brushing your whole teeth. You don't want to
have to do yours right right right, shark nicky, have
(55:15):
you ever washed with like Dr Brauner's peppermints? I can't
handle it. It's like some it's like someone's going down
on you. It's like there's like there's like it's like
pop rocks in your pus and there's a lot of
writing on that bottle and it's just intimidating. There's so
much what the like a trader Joe's frequent flyer is
(55:37):
on one of those things. No, it's um eating as things.
Someone said last night like they don't like it because
they're so nervous that there might be stuff down there.
And the thing is, if someone decides to go and
do that to you without warning, let's say in a
consensual way, but like kind of like just yeah, a
little bit and you're totally down for it. It It is
(55:59):
don't be nervous about that on yourself that if they
encounter anything that is their fault, they know what they're
going into. Much like the joke I did about um
having anal sex and I accidentally like there was a
little bit of a mess. I felt so embarrassed when
that happened to me the first time, and my ex
boyfriend handled it so beautifully by saying like, listen, don't
(56:21):
be don't be embarrassed. Like I knew the drill. You
play with fire sometimes if you play with fire, eventually
you're gonna get burned. And it's like, yeah, you when
a guy does something like so many women are scared
of shitting or like oh, I'm gonna get poop on
her his finger or guys are scared of that. It's like, well,
she went back there knowing that's where it comes from.
She's not a fucking idiot. So if you get a
(56:42):
little poop on her, that's her, that's on her. I
just I want people to feel less. I wanted myself
to feel less insecure, Like when I'm doing sexual things
that I'm like, oh my god, I might fart or
I might um, he might see my asshole and I
don't even know if I like clear it well enough
forgot the hair. It's like, well, he's putting me in
(57:03):
a position that I'm not being, like look into my
asshole and tell me all about it, like it's not
I'm not. It's okay if I'm not like perfect in
every little way and like I don't. But you can
tell how old you are by the rings on your asshole,
which is yeah, so if you lie, it's kind of
it's like a tree, right and you can see like
(57:24):
when there's been a lightning storm sometimes or when there
was like yeah, there was a massive Well there is
a TikTok that's going around, Like women just realizing that
guys see their butt hole from doggy style. Really yeah, yeah,
guy's sea bottle all the time. It's like, yeah, we're
looking at It's great. Like, are some buttles like I've
(57:46):
never seen, Like I've seen only like a couple of
my friends buttles just because I've like we've revealed them
to each other just to be like, let's see what's
going on. What have you seen buttles that have made
you go? Whoa? There was a butt hole I think
two thousand seven. I was during today. It was like
a three pm sex and we did doggy style and
(58:07):
she was just like there was a lot of light
in the room, so I saw, Yeah, there was a
decent amount of hair and it was what it is
what nowadays I wouldn't be as quite, but back then
I was a little bit more superficial. So you know,
And if girls have a lot of a lot of asks,
then it's harder to see your buttle because you've got
like a lot of crack and a lot to get
through before your butt hole is revealed. But someone with
(58:30):
like a skinny but like me like a like no ask,
Like my butt hole is like very much like accessible. Yeah,
it's protruding if anything. Yeah, it's like an Audie great car. No,
do you shave your butt hole? I had it lasered?
How long does that last? Forever? Uh? A lot? I
(58:51):
mean I've had to have a couple of treatments, but
it's pretty good. And then I do have to I
mean for personal hygiene, I just don't like to keep
It's really easy to shave your asshole. And as long
as you're doing it, and like you you use a razor,
it's just the it's the easiest one to do. You
kind of go. That's interesting that that that you would
think a butt hole being covered by hair would actually
(59:15):
be a good thing because you don't see the whole
but hole. Yeah, but people just hair is like so
repulsive to why it's so weird because of cultural Yeah,
just like you know, ducks have nineteen buttholes yea, and
(59:36):
like what are they shaped like? Man, They're they're all little. Yeah.
I feel really I feel almost just as bad about
that then when I messed up March Madness. So if
all you duck heads out there that want to come
at me, I apologize. I just want to I just
want to close you mallard mavens out there who know
(59:58):
all about how the ducks reproductive system. If you were
listening to that and screaming at your radio or your
I pod, I'm really thinking about old your your CD,
ROM cassette player and thinking like what the fuck Andrew,
get it right, Um, we really apologize to you because
(01:00:19):
I really let that go way longer than I should have.
And in the future, I will like get on these
kind of like misrepresentations of animal anatomy as quickly as
I can. I do feel like though people will say
the opposite and want you to let me go when
I think when I'm going to let you go because
it's hilarious how long you were and you were so
(01:00:39):
confident and I actually did trust you that time. I'm
never going to trust you again. But I will not
uh stop you from you know, filling yourself as Yeah,
you're a real uh Steve or Lose. But you know what,
if anyone got my Steve or Lose joke congratulations because
it was missed by both Noah Andrew and even me,
(01:01:01):
well it's it's what you means, Steve. Yeah, but Steve
rlus No, you are Steve R lose, not a win
you're lose the opposite. I mean it's bad, it was bad,
but people who got it, I think the same four
people who were like dust don't have six dicks pretty
(01:01:22):
much loved that Steve or lose joke. Yeah, I mean,
let's let's go. We'll see you tomorrow and all this
week on the pod, and make sure you keep sharing
it with your friends. Tell people to get in on it.
Become a bestie. Right. A review for the podcast, which
I did on my iTunes, give us five stars if
you love the show, don't give us four, like five
(01:01:44):
or nothing. I don't want to hear from if you
don't give us five, just that's just me like doing
bad reviews. We don't. We're not going to read the
bad ones. We read the good ones though. We love
your support, um and follow us on Nikki Glazer Pod.
Follow Noah and Noah Injection on Instagram. Follow Andrew Blue,
Checkmark Andrew T. Colin on and Sagram. Follow me Nicki Glazer.
I'm gonna announce a tour pretty soon coming up this summer.
I can't wait to share it with you guys. You
(01:02:05):
can come. I can see my best seas in person.
I love you so much and we'll see you this week. Okay, okay,
Host
Nikki Glaser
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com