#327 A Wrecking Ball w/ Ian Fidance

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Here, Nicky, hello here, I am
welcome to the show. It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. I'm gonna
turn down my welcome to the show. You guys. It's

(00:20):
Nicky Glazer. It's Monday. Um joining us today in this
special episode is on your Marina from New York. Noah
is an Arizona, which is also a city in Arizona.
We found that out from Brian Fanday last week and
today from the streets of Brooklyn, Um walking his carry
on luggage with a cigarette in his mouth and a

(00:40):
tie around his neck. He's wearing the same alpity war
lesson night. I don't even know that he changed out
of it because his tie is still tied professionally, like
he is a sloppy senator. It is Ian Finance, actually loopy,
all Ian. You look great, Hey Finance. Hi, thank you? Right,
so excited. I wore my suit because I spent a

(01:02):
lot of money on it and I'm never taking it off. Yeah,
you went to jose Banks yesterday, right, which they used
to joke that that show you go like and you
just get seven suits and they can all be dish rags.
People like on SNL there was there was an SNL
where like you buy seven suits and they're like cleaning
up spills with them. It's a great suit. God, damn it, right,

(01:25):
isn't it? You looked fantastic. I wouldn't know the difference
between that and a nice suit, Like it looked nice
to me? It was great. And you bought a tie.
You looked so spiffy. And Last Night, of Course was
the Mark Twain Prize Award for Humor that was presented
to Adam Sandler and it was in Washington, d C.
My boyfriend Chris Convey was the show runner for it,
so I got a special invite, um to go watch it.

(01:45):
I didn't have to do any work. I didn't have
to present or do anything, not that they asked me,
but um, it was nice to the night off and
just go to an event. And um I had a
plus one? And why did you chog? Why? Great question?
I was like, do I ask I knew on you? What? Yeah?
Do you want to answer? Why you think I chose you? Well?

(02:08):
Can you not frame it in a why would you choose? Ian? Yeah?
There was there was why judgment? Yeah, why would said why?
A lot of friends I would like to know a
lot more famous friends. UM no, no, I don't actually

(02:29):
and you. UM. It's an interesting story how Ian came
to even go to this because he, first of all,
he's one of the first person that people I thought of.
Because I was like, okay, it was last minute, it's
in DC. I was gonna have to like probably get
whoever's I was probably gonna fly my friend there put
them up, and so I was thinking of people from
New York that were wanted to go, and then I

(02:50):
was like, there's no one really in New York that
I definitely want to go to this with me, and
it would be kind of like, I don't know. And
then I see it's almost like my phone read my mind.
Ian up a post that he's like in Arlington, Virginia,
DC all weekend, and I saw his shows were until Saturday,
and I texted him, I go, are you in DC
on Sunday? He's like, I go back Saturday, and I go,

(03:11):
what about Sunday? You go with me the Mark Twain
Prize for Humor for Adam Sandler at the Kennedy Center.
And he was like, oh my god, that sounds amazing.
And then I was like I had to ask Chris like,
because Chris was like, do you think you have a
friend that would we're want to go? And I was like,
I have a friend that wants to go, Canny go
and he's like, let me make sure. So it was
a little bit of waiting and then I finally said, yes, Ian,
you're going with me? And he was like, I don't know, man,

(03:32):
and then he tried to back out right. And I
want to like read our conversation because it was an
interesting I think a lot of people can learn from this.
I'm like, I think it's a good life lesson. This
is a hip of violation, like he's your therapist. This

(03:53):
does feel no. I think people are going to learn
from this. Um okay, I said, I go. Chris said
it's looking good, and he goes, oh, and then I
said and then a couple hours ago, I said, you're
good to go, but the red carpet can't happen. I'm sorry.
I could barely get on it. He said, Lol, So
what do I do? Sit in a cage? I said,
I totally get if you don't want to go, but

(04:13):
I think it'll be fun. We have good seats, really
good seats. You gotta go. He goes and I don't know. Man,
I'm sorry, I'm kind of feeling anxious about it, about
being alone with like a ton of celebrities and people
I've grown up watching and I'm just some guy who
no one knows. Lol, you know what I mean. And
then I'm gonna be a needy friend LLL. I think
we all relate to that feeling. Yeah, right, yes, I like,

(04:34):
I don't want to go because I'm going to be
not important there. There's gonna be people that are like,
I hate going to these things. I always feel smaller.
I'd always feel Even when I went to the Critic's
Choice Awards and I was nominated, I was like, why
am I here? Everyone's a big star. Also, this is
all like fake and who cares? And it depressed me.
So I get it. And I used to get invited

(04:55):
to this ship all the time. When Amy started becoming
super duper famous, she would invite me to premieres of
stuff and and it was overwhelming. I didn't have like
nice clothes, I didn't have stylists, I didn't have hair
and makeup, and I was just like, I can't go
to these events. I can't like mingle with Lebron James
and Goldie Hawn and all these people that I met

(05:17):
through there. But I always went because I knew that
I would regret not going more than anything that could happen.
And so I wrote to Ian. I said, okay, but
why would you turn this fun down? I said, because
you don't deserve to be around them. He said, L
O L yes, I said, And this is the moment
I said, Okay, well, then don't blame anyone but yourself

(05:39):
when you aren't as successful as you want to be. Oooom,
truth dropped by like it's true, because I go, okay, well,
you know what, I'm never gonna listen to Ian bitch
about anything about his career ever if he's turning down
this huge opportunity to be amongst the people that he
should be amongst. You know. And by the way, if

(06:01):
you get invited to something, unless you're sneaking in and
jumping a fence and posing as a cater waiter to
like get in, you deserve to be there. You got
an invite, so by means of me inviting you equals
you deserve to be there. Ian is dancing right now
as he finishes his cigarette. The last man in America
who smokes Yeah, and I'm not going to stop. We don't.

(06:21):
We don't want you to know. It's like, yeah, that
connection's perfect. Um, so yeah, I mean we all relate
to this feeling. But it really did make me realize
and I was talking to myself to like, I can't
bitch about things that don't happen for me when I
don't audition for I get auditions and then I don't

(06:43):
do it, or I turn down things, or I you know,
I just like pussy out of stuff because so much
of this career is doing stuff you're scared of, and
you're scared, so it means run into it. What was
it like to get that text? Ian? Like, what range
of emotions were you feeling. I'd love to hang with Nick.
That's a good time, but I don't know. It's like

(07:04):
all these celebrities and I've like worshiped Sandler and his
friends and seeing all their movies and I know all
these guys, and I just always feel less than when
I'm not comfortable, especially like with industry people, where like
I can't be friends with like agents or bookers because
I feel like it's like, yeah, ultimately, I like want
something from you, and I don't want to be friends

(07:25):
with someone if there's that like thing in my mind.
So I didn't want to be a tel. You go
the rod with a towel. There had to be a
moment where you were intimidated by a twel and we're
like he asked you to hang out and you were like,
I don't want to it's gonna be too weird. And
look at you now, you know, like yeah, yeah, no,
have to get over eat. He started calling me and
was like, hey, you want to go eat And I

(07:47):
was like I don't think I should. I don't deserve
you know. And then it's like whatever. But obviously, like everyone,
not just people in our you know, industry, can get
in our own way, and I think, like I'll let
anxiety and year in future trooping getting a way of
Like all I had to do was go and just
have a fun time. It wasn't like I wasn't like

(08:07):
going there to try to get something out of it,
Like it was just a thing to like, dude, I'm
gonna go and have fun. But I was just nervous
about being like alone or like you know, everybody knows
and loves you, And then I would just stand there
like hello. Like my joke was like going up to
people and being like, Hi, yes, I have a podcast,

(08:29):
please interview me. But there's kind of something nice about
like everyone of the if you looked around, there was
maybe point zero two percent of people were famous in
that point point two percent of people. Yea, thousands of
people were actually yeah, there was no one recognizable. So
it wasn't like you were at the Oscars at the

(08:50):
exclusive after party there was most people were not comedians.
It was like Washington DC types I don't even know.
There was a lot of seat fillers. Yeah, and the
people that I talked to that were like famous or whatever,
we're like kind to me and nice. It was like
totally fine. I just always feel weird being around people

(09:10):
that I don't know, let alone people that I know
about debate. I know and it just makes it pains
me to hear that because I relate to it. But
I'm also like, this is going to stand in your
way so much to be successful, because you have to
be delusional. If you learned, if we learned anything last
night from the Mark Twain Prize for Humor for Adam Sandler,
let me just tell you what it is. Adam Sandler

(09:33):
is as successful as he is because a he works hard,
but a bee, which is a huge bee, like almost
as big as a He had confidence. Why did he
have confidence because his whole family, he was never bullied
by any of his He had brothers and sisters. They
all showered him with like you are the best. His

(09:53):
mom still says, like you're the best short stuff that
ever could have been. He's never he doesn't play baseball,
and she's like, well, you just and practice enough, you
could have been. You could be anything you want to
be if you practice hard enough. And he was instilled
with that. He said, I mean, it was the theme
throughout the night. And then he finally gets on stage
at the end of the night. And you'll see this
on CNN on Sunday if you watch the Mark Twain
is so good. But if you watch it, he pretty

(10:15):
much gets to the end end of it and he
delivers his speech. After all these people have made fun
of like this guy got so far with no talent
and like just doing like shoo boo boo and like
you know, like just being a goofball and wearing basketball
shorts and not trying. But it's like he had confidence,
and he even said it. He was like, my brother
would be like, you're the funniest guy ever. You need

(10:37):
to do comedy. His brother went to go see him
for the first time to do comedy and he bombed.
He was like, I think I bombed and his brother's like, no,
you killed. Man. He goes, oh, I guess I killed,
and his brotherly convinced him he killed, so he was
able to go do it again. And if you don't
have that in your life, which most people don't, you
gotta fucking find a way to get that delusional kind
of confidence. And most comedians do have it. Your mom

(11:00):
gave you a lot of that ian you do have it. Well,
you can't say confidence without saying confidance and name and no.
I mean like a big part of everything is fake
it till you make it and just act as if
and it's it's just a difficult thing no matter what.

(11:20):
Because Adam Sandler used to be that. But he I
bet Adam Sandler wouldn't blink about getting an invite to
these things, And by the way, I would have blinked too.
I would have been like, I shouldn't go. But I'm like,
if I lived life like Adam Sandler and just said
yes to everything and felt like people need to hear
what I have to say. And there was some comedian
I was reading about recently who if the crowd didn't laugh,

(11:41):
they would he would be like, they just don't get it, man,
that sucks. They don't get it. Whereas I go, even
when they do laugh, I go, they they I tricked them.
They they they're stupid. They don't they like but to
beat have the goal of a comedian and be like
if you bomb, to put that on them, of like

(12:02):
you guys just don't get me is a level of
sociopathy I do not want to have. But there's a
there's a medium. There's a good medium to have of
like not thinking that you're tricking everyone because you're not.
I mean, that's ridiculous, but also to not to not
be like cocky and um but I kind of wish
I did have that a little bit of like, but

(12:22):
I must anyone who um ian's going through the NASA
training program to buy the space station apparently any it
sounds like you're going through eighteen different like air chambers,
a metal harness. He's clipping on himself. Sound like that,
Um I hope. I hope you go the way of

(12:42):
the challenger. I am confidence in you. I do. I
really think you could. You could beat at those O
rings that weren't attacked properly. I think you something about
you being on board. It'll I hope you later anyway,

(13:03):
But I did that text from Nikki inspire you to go?
Did it turn your around to make you go? Yeah? Yeah?
And I like talk to some friends and stuff, like
I was with racing and I was like, dude, I
just feel like my weird like I don't belong, you know,
like I don't like I feel like a like a weirdo.
I don't ever want to be like a try hard

(13:25):
or like like God like in search myself into things
that I don't belong and I I just, uh, I
don't know. But it was nice. I'm saying if you
were like I asked, it was almost in searching to me.
I I like, it's not that serious. I can make
a mountain out of a mole hill and I can
be like, yes, this is let me overthink everything. And

(13:47):
it was like no, I just got out of my way. Okay,
So then Ian fucking have fun. You know, he decides
to go and he embraces it. He goes up and
gets a suit. I fucking loved him for it. He
gets me a thank you card, he got me flat hours.
He comes in, he gets a cigarette case, he gets
a little cigarette extender thing that they were in the
nineteen twenties that like earlier. And then um oh he

(14:11):
was I didn't even see that. Uh. And then he
also got a cane, a new cane called a Pippie
cane because the cat's name was Pippie or something. There's
a cat on it. He's telling that story all night.
No one, No one cared. No Ian looked fucking great

(14:32):
and was just such a good sport and came in
and was like he came to my hotel room. Chris
was staying at the Four Seasons, which was so nice.
By the way, I saw Jennifer Anniston as I was
checking in yesterday. I thought this was gonna be the
weekend I met Jennifer Anniston. It's been a big build up.
This is like one of my last celebrities on my
you know, Obama and Jennifer Anston are like the two
left that I'm like, those are my biggies. And I

(14:54):
thought this was gonna be the weekend. It wasn't, but
I did see her in the flesh for the first time,
both at the award but also walking into the I
went to go get Starbucks and I was coming back
to the Four Seasons and she was coming in and
I saw her like she had her bag on the
ground by the valet and she was like looking through
it and I saw her gorgeous golden locks, and then
she stood up and she was a tiny person. She

(15:15):
was like five one. I was very very short. I
was because so many like actors and like big, bigger
like movie stars and stuff, are short, and I'm a
short guy. So that, yeah, that does feel good. She's
a woman though, so it kind of works. But um oh,

(15:35):
I'm kidding, people are gonna be number mine. I won't
say what people are gonna say because I'll just let
them say it anyway. So, um, I saw Jennifer instant.
And then I was at four the four Season, which
was such a nice hotel. It's just like the place.
There were paparazzi up front all day because there was
a sports seam there the night before. There's a basketball team,
a bunch of famous people, and then what are you

(15:57):
laughing at No. It was funny because at the end
of the night we were hanging out and there were
some sports you're checking in and Nicki was sticking her
face or like this gap in the wall and was like,
what sport are you? Sport are you? Because we were like,
are they a basketball team or a football team? But
it's clearly football is not in season and there were

(16:18):
no black guys, so it is a hockey team. So
I just kept yelling what sport and you couldn't see me.
My head was like through the slats. There was like
it was this slatted wall that separated the bar and
restaurant from the hotel lobby. So anyway, I've got to
go to break, but I'm going to talk about how
Ian came in like a wrecking ball to my hotel room,

(16:41):
and then we have a story of the aftermath. Ian.
It's so funny, and we'll talk about our night and
all the celebrit was so exciting when we get back
right over this, All right, we're back with Ian Finance
from the hit podcast b and Ian. He also has
a Patreon for that show or no sorry, what is

(17:01):
it called? Being in with Jordan? With Jordan being in
with Jordan. Oh my gosh, Jordan is so freaking funny.
What's Jordan's last name again, Jens Jensen. I knew it,
said at the same time as you. Yeah, she is
so funny. Um, and I'm attracted to her me too. Whoa, Okay,
she was raised by two women and she just has

(17:23):
and she's strange. She has a masculine quality, but she
just has this confidence and like I love her eyes,
her face. Yea, you look like her, that's it. Oh
my god, she's just I think she's so pretty and
just has a cool vibe. She's so cool. I haven't
met her in person yet. I saw her at the
seller one time, and obviously I knew who she was,

(17:44):
but I was almost like intimidated to say him. She
was at the back table the fucking best. We have
so much fun together and we're like best friends anyway.
So like we had we both had off last night
last week, like one night. Yeah, and we were podcasting Monday,
podcasting Wednesday, and we were both off Tuesday night. So
we went and saw a movie together. You see Scream

(18:06):
and did you? It was a movie. It was good.
It was a fun rom at the cinema. Oh yeah,
I haven't seen Screams since Scream Too. I think, Oh,
you got very fun. It's a fun little series. That
was such a good movie. When Jada Pickett Smith gets

(18:28):
a fucking knife through the head when she's in the bathroom,
she's the first one killed. I think in that in
that movie. No, Drew Barrymore was which who we saw
last night? Okay, so we're back. Check out being Ian
with Jordan his podcast, and he's so funny. He was
a perfect date to have because Ian is this person
that he's so comical looking. He's such a cool looking guy,

(18:49):
but he also looks funny and nice and approachable, and
he is all those things. So he's a perfect date.
I chose Ian mainly because I remember remember gad El Malay,
how do you say this last name? How could we
forget Nay? Remember gad was obsessed with you. I just

(19:10):
always remember he was like, what is this man? I'm
fascinated by him? You should be a star. I just
think the celebrities are like obsessed with Ian, Like I
just knew he would be someone that would be like
flashy and everyone would And I even heard people at
the after party going and the guy in the mustache apparently,
and then I like didn't say, but I heard someone
be like and the guy with the cave like they
were like everyone loving you. Every time you would walk away,

(19:33):
people would be like, is the cana prop or does
he really need it? I was like, he was hit
by a car three years ago, so he kind of
needed a first and now it's more of an ex Really, Oh,
I thought he was just talking. Yeah. No, I separated
my sacrum from my pelvis and I slipped my L
four and L five. Shout out, Dawn, my osteopath. Thank you, Um,

(19:56):
so you're you're healed again. She really healed you. You're osteopath,
she yelled me. And then I gotta, I gotta go
back this week and then I and then I start
physical therapy. He's just dropping glass. He's not peacocking either.
He needs those um for his personality. A handicap. Wait,

(20:18):
what did I say last night involving handicap? That was
so funny? Ian I had a good line about it
was so good. God, damn it, I don't know. I forget,
Please God, can we remember? Because it was it was
good enough to write down almost anyway. We had so
many good jokes. I said, I was cracking up, and also,
Dan's just a great date because it's the I have

(20:38):
anxiety in those moments too. I was not there working.
I don't know if anyone fucking knows who I am.
I didn't feel I was just sitting with the general audience.
I wasn't like up on the sides with all the celebrities.
There was no like vip pass that I had, Like
I'm friends with dad, but hey, we were with some celebrities.
We were very close to Wolf Blitzer. He was behind

(21:00):
us the blitz. Yeah, world War One call back to
um so he yeah, he was sitting behind us, but
um yeah. So Ian comes to my hotel room to
get ready. I've already had hair and makeup. Come to
my room. I had a great team. Um and I'm

(21:22):
in my robe but I'm all done up. I'm like,
don't want to get him my dressed yet because it's
so tight. And Ian comes in, and I thought Ian
was I got him a hotel room. I thought he
was gonna like go to his in a different hotel,
but it was like close enough by. I thought he
was gonna go to his hotel and get ready and
then come meet me like ready. But he comes in
with his suitcase and like all of his bloggings has
not jumped into his hotel yet, and he comes in.

(21:43):
He has to take a shower and he has to
like totally get ready. He but he's immediately after his shower,
he's sweating so much. And I was cold because I'm
about to be cold all night long. So I blasted
the heat a little bit. It was hot, but then
I turned it down and you were still sweating all
night long, all night loss. Yeah, I two together your problem.
But also you want to go back and and read

(22:07):
your little text you said, Yeah, the room and get ready.
I'm thinking get ready for finishing touches like tie to tie,
Like I didn't know who would be like take a
shower in my boyfriend room. Oh, probably that too. So
he comes in. He has all of his cigarettes light
out on the bed. He's taking his cigarettes out of

(22:29):
the path pristine white bed because he has a cigarette
case that he got that's a silver case and he
wants to take them out of the unsightly Um. Yeah,
so he has a beautiful so he has all the
loose there's tobacco all over litter all over my boyfriend's bed. Um.
Then he goes and takes a shower, which is fine,
like I didn't care. Then he's like he's sweating so

(22:49):
much he can't get dressed because he can't, and I'm
I'm like, I'll blast the ac I'm so sorry, So
I'm doing that he is. Then he goes in the
bathroom and I it's getting the way where it was like, Ian,
we gotta go. I guess he's shaving his mustache and
I just hear like him squeal in pain and then
start laughing maniacally like Joker style, and I go, what's
going on? And he's got blood coming down his lip,

(23:12):
like into his teeth, on his lip, eating everywhere, and
he's like it's okay, it's okay. And I was like, oh,
is it really okay? How are you going to stop that? Up?
In five minutes, our ober is coming? And it was
so because we've were laughing so hard because I and
describe what you thought like it was a hilarious image
Right now. I could not have a funnier thing. Then

(23:40):
sitting at this prestigious award show at the Kennedy Center
for the Mark Twain Brice for American Humor and its
Celebrities a galla then and the camera goes to Nicky
Blazer at CNN and and I'm sitting there smiling with
a mouthful of blood just in my teeth, jed like,

(24:01):
with your fucking cane cigarette. Nobody knows me and I'm
the guy who's who's bleeding. Look like I have a
head injury on the red carpet. You look like a
young Mark Twain too. You would say that to you
last night? You kind of does no, totally your love. Yeah,

(24:27):
so he stops it up, and then we finally leave,
and um we go. We go to the event, and
it was so fine. Before we get to the event,
we go downstairs and we sit with David Spade and
Chris Rock and Ted Assistant and Ted Silanos. Anyone know

(24:49):
who that is? The man who owns Netflix? Oh himself?
Guy's a charge of Netflix. Dude, did you bleed on him?
I think it's Soranos or Sarah Serranos. But this was wild.
I okay, I have to do a thought experiment of

(25:09):
what we all would do. Okay, because this is Ian finance.
He I would want no one else to be my
date I asked for this. I just I'm not I
just want to know what y'all would do. Okay, So
we are sitting with Um, David Spade and Chris Rock
and Ted. Ted joins a little bit later, but Um
and David's assistant Heather, who I love, and I could

(25:31):
tell Ian's like a little nervous, but he's fine. Like
it's I'm nervous. I'm not usually around Chris Rock. Like
it's like I wasn't nervous, but it's like, you know,
it was a little bit like, oh my god, you know,
and I just watched Chris A specials. So I'm telling
him about I feel about that, and we're all just
like having fun and chatting, and Ian's fine. And when
we really that's what we realized, like we're not gonna
be able to eat before this thing, and it's gonna
be we're going right to the event. If we're about
to get an uber, we're going right to the vent.

(25:52):
It's gonna be three and a half hours and then
we're not gonna eat and Um, and Ian's hungry, and
so I was like, and I have my bars with me,
so I'm gonna be fine. I know that. But um,
because I expect no place to have vegan food. But Ian,
I'm like, oh fuck. So I was like, it is
okay if Ian has some chips and fries. They had
like this little centerpiece of fries and chips that they
like brought to all the tables and um, They're like, yeah,
that's fine. So Ian takes some chips and it was fine.

(26:13):
And then there's this like the shrimp cocktail that is
sitting untouched, like on the side of the table. No,
no, no no, it was not a shrimp cocktail. These were
the largest frauns giant ever seen, I mean giant August.

(26:33):
There's probably how many were there six five okay five
and had had anyone had one yet none okay had
food on the table. Yeah, they were eating. No one's
touching that. They got all this food going to there's
all this food. Okay, there's not all this food. Chris

(26:54):
Rock has the Caesar salad, there's like the French fries.
Uh Spade has his plate of meat or whatever, and
then there's the shrimp cocktail. But it's not being touched.
But it seems like it's it's part of the smartest part,
you know, like it's gonna be along. Maybe they're gonna
sit there a while. So Ian goes, would you guys
mind if I had some of the shrimp? And they go, yeah,
my god, sure? What did you say? Spade asked if

(27:17):
I wanted the shrimp because I kept going back for
the fries, and he goes, here, have have some Have
some of the shrimp. Okay, some of the shrimp. So Ian,
what would you do if you were starving and it
was it was offered to you? Said? He said, have
the shrimp. No, you can't take it back. Listen, he said,

(27:40):
have Even if he said have the shrimp, let me
just put this to you guys, and you're starving, and
you do see a lot of food there. They've already
got their main dish. The appetizer maybe arrived with the
main dish. So maybe it's like part of it. I
don't know. I get appetizers in my main dish together.
So Ian is offered the shrimp, right, so he takes
it over and puts it in front of himself. If
you were Ian, how many shrimp would you have had?

(28:02):
Of those five shrimp? If you were not a guest
at this table about to leave in three minutes? How
many shrimp? Would you have of these giant prawns? If
Spade told me have the shrimp, I would eat four
of the existing five and then say are you sure
I can have all of these? And then I'd finish
off the fifth if I got permission. If he said

(28:24):
have some of the shrimp, I'd eat two and then
probably asked I remember what we said, because actually Spade
has a joke about he sometimes says shrimps instead of
shrimp because it's just a funny thing to say to
waiters and waitresses to be like, I think I'll have
the shrimps, and they go, okay, yeah, you'll have the
cocktail shrimp. And then he goes, yeah, let's do one
of the cocktail shrimps. And he just keeps hitting shrimps.

(28:44):
So he said that. He goes, do you want some shrimps?
To Ian? I believe that was the phrase. Ian puts
it in front of him. I look over. Within three minutes,
he's sucking off the last one. He's completely decimated this
untouched shrimps appetizer. And I just and I am like
a little bit embarrassed because this is my guest that

(29:06):
they don't know, and he's just eating a complete appetizer
that they didn't even touch. That it was probably thirty
five dollars. I mean, at least when this menu and
they're with three of the most powerful people in common
in all of comedy and entertainment. He gave him a
great story, and I wonder why Ian wasn't scared to
be around famous people and he can't trust himself. I mean,

(29:31):
I wanted to tell him Ian the ocean called, they're
running out of shrimp, like I wanted to do the
classic Seinfeld line because you were stuff in your face
like George was. And then that board meeting when he goes,
oh the church store called, and they're running out of
you and they it was exactly like that. You just
had your last strip in your mouth and then um.
So I just thought that was so funny, because in

(29:52):
no world would I I would of course I would
want all of them. I would. I would be obsessive
about There's been so many times I've been at dinner
and people don't eat all of something an appetizer, but I,
because I'm not paying and I'm not a guest, I
will not dare eat them. And maybe that's my problem.
Maybe I should we shall all be more like an
and you can't be listen to any or if you know,

(30:14):
if you're putting shrimps in front of me, Yeah, to
know something. I'm a dirty dig delaware doozy and I'm
gonna eat them all. Okay, It's just it is what
it is. And and can I also say they weren't
touching them? No, they were front. You weren't wrong. It
wasn't about that though. It wasn't about like if they
would know You're totally right, But why would they order

(30:36):
it if it didn't seem even good for to have
one of them like they you didn't give this. Maybe
they gotta face like a complimentary thing from the restaurant. No,
they did not. There's no complimentary shrimps. If we got
there was like a you know, I's trying to spin it. Sorry, No,
I'm not done with Ian. I'm not done Ian. I

(30:57):
have a couple more things to call you out on.
And don't you all come at me and goo Nikki's
bullying Ian. I don't want to hear any of that. Ship.
I'm so tired of being called out for being mean
to boys when all I watch on Instagram is reels
of boys being mean show each other in podcasts and
everyone fucking eats it up. I'm giving Ian shit behavioral things,
and I can take it back myself. You can give

(31:17):
me shit about stuff I do. Try like just and
I know you're like, no, you can't take it. Well,
if I can't, then I can't. But I'm I'm serious.
This is coming from love, so ea. And also what
Nikki's not telling you is it? I thank them and
I put the shrimp shells on my fingers and said,
would anyone like? And that goes. We need to give

(31:39):
this guy a development deal. Yeah, three specials, just like Chappelle.
This guy has something to say about the trance community
three different ways for three hours. So yeah, yeah, you're right,
actually does have some experience. Yea. That Yan's gonna go

(32:09):
to Long john Silver's with Ted uh talk out their deal. Okay, Simpson,
So I can't tell if it's your cane or your cat.
This cat looks severely terrified. I got that looks like
piano cat. It looks paralyzed. Okay, so let me just Ian.

(32:30):
I have I have to just share a couple more things,
so then then let's just okay. So we went to
the event. We'll tell you more about that in a bit.
But we get back at the end of the night
and we're all in this blick bar area, and by
the way, there is a group of people that include
Ben Stiller and Chris Rock like at the same bar

(32:51):
that we're at in the lobby, but we're sitting at
a different table. And in that group it was also
a girl that looked exactly like Jennif Fransen. So I
thought Jennif Franston was there, but it was her. It
was it was a doppelganger. But it was so funny
because our table didn't see what I saw, which was
this girl that looked like jenn Franson. And there were
two Khaki, Chris's sister, and then Bihar Kuren, Chris's brothers. Date.

(33:12):
Khaki and Bihar we're talking about Brad Pitt very loudly
and like as you would like in conversation with your girlfriends,
like at a bar it would be. But I'm like, guys, no,
like like it was like the only it was so
funny that like, and I've this has happened a lot
in my life where I will hear people talk about
celebrities that I know. Next to and I'm like, you

(33:33):
think you can talk about celebrities whenever you want, but
there are certain times when those celebrities or the people
they've dated is like right next to you. And at
the Four Seasons in DC, on this specific night, you
couldn't talk about celebrities openly. I mean, it was teaming
with them, so but it I kept saying a couple
of things that I like, was like, oh, I forgot
where I am. Like I told Nikki, I was going

(33:54):
around going Eyeszone Obama, I have eyes. We are at
the Kennedy sent and then at one point, oh my god,
I kept just eating. I wouldn't look at Ian and
I would just go, Nope, don't say it. Because there
were just so many times to make really right wing
conservative like Storm of the Capitol type jokes where Ian

(34:14):
would like people and be like, hey, hi, I'm eighty
eight million people really voted for Biden. Gonna believe it anyway.
I have a podcast and a cat named Samson. H
you got a shrimps. It's so funny that there were

(34:37):
only five or six there. Oh yeah, I mean it
was a shrimp cocktail. It was decorating the side of
the dish. But they were hanging out like they were
jumbo shrimps, and so I can't, like, can stop saying shrimps.
It's so funny. So we go back and it's like
I can tell it's like eat, time for Ian to go.
My boyfriend is about to arrive. And Ian has been

(34:58):
with me all night, and it's like we're tied aired
and and Ian just eight and I can tell that
like Ian's like leg is just moving like he's working
a sewing machine, like it's going up and down so fast.
There were so many times during the night I just
had to like and he'd like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm like, it's okay. I just want to calm your
leg down. So Ian was re earned to go and
um He's like, I gotta go back up to your
room to get um my suitcase and stuff that he

(35:21):
had up there. And I was like, oh great. So
I hand him a hotel key and he goes up
there and he is up there for so long because
I said, grab me a protein bar because there was
nothing on this menu and I was like, I'm hungry.
So he grabs me one. He comes right down. I go,
why did it take I texted him, why is it
taking you eight hours to back? Like what is going
on up there? And he's like, I had to pack
and he comes back down and then he leaves, and

(35:42):
then Chris and I go up to the So Chris,
let me just say, oh, Ian's gone. Oh he's got
to come back for this because it's too funny. And
I'm gonna send you guys a picture of what I
came back to in the Oh my god, I cannot
even imagine more tobacco. It's like tobacco in a heart

(36:02):
shape on the bed. Oh my god, that would be
so funny, like a honeymoon suite. And I love that
your vibe is so easy with him though, Like I
love that you can give him so much shit and
he loves it. Yeah. I mean he's a goofball and
I that's why I love him though. He's so quirky,
but he's happy, go lucky. That's like, yeah, what I

(36:23):
imagine when I hear that term. Yeah, I've always wanted
to have a brother like this, Like so I we
could talk shit to each other a little bit, like
just even saying, what are you doing up there for
so long? Like I don't have a relationship like that.
Anyone I have a relationship with that literally everyone of
every there's no one I wouldn't go like, what are
you doing up there? Like come on, I mean, it's

(36:44):
the way my dad talks. I just hear my dad
constantly being judgmental and like, what are taking so long?
And I go, where did I get my judgmental like
impatient bitch mode from Daddy's girl Daddy? But yeah, it's
like it was getting to the point where it was
like what could he be doing up there? It was
like really a long time and so and by the way,
Chris is not like a fan of smoking or tobacco products,

(37:07):
So there was a point when there was tobacco in
the bed that I was like, let's clean up all
of this, so it's not like sitting here all night.
And so I got it off the bed and I
go back upstairs with Chris. And by the way, Chris
has worked, I mean, Chris has probably slept four hours
in the past week working on the show, and he
is about to only get forty five minutes of sleep
before he has to get on a plane tomorrow to
go start editing this because he has to deliver it

(37:28):
on Friday, and it's a huge edit job and we
are watching Ian zip his pants. Okay, started with your penis.
I thought you were doing a bit du Literally, the
camera came back on and the Ian is zipping up
his pants. O god, I'm glad you got whatever that
was done. It was a prawn my phone. Yeah, there'd

(37:50):
be hilarious. And then I went to the bathroom and
I ran out. Oh, I know exactly what you did.
I know how you live it, man, So thank you,
welcome back to the show. So I was just saying
you were, um, you know, on the you had gone
up there, you'd taken a while long time. We go
back up and Chris literally has forty five minutes to
fall asleep before he has to get up and start putting, putting,

(38:12):
writing in notes and then take his fight back to
La to start editing. He has no time. So we
get there and um, I go in the bathroom and
I'm washing my face and I'm getting ready for bed,
and Chris is kind of like, you know, packing up
stuff in the room and I go, I look in
the trash and I'm just gonna send you a picture
of what I see in the trash. Okay, and this is.

(38:35):
This is at the Four Seasons by the way, which
is like the nicest hotel you can stay at. This
is what Ian has placed in the trash. And I
just want to know, like if you had to dispose
of this product or like this bag of things, like
do you think do you think you I'm sending it
to YouTube and so you can see what you laft. No,

(38:56):
it's so funny. So I don't even know what what
in the world like any it's a giant bag of
like cigarettes and other things a bag, but you placed
it on top of the trash, almost like on the
very top, so I get it. I'm like, Chris, there's

(39:17):
like a really I go, this is I just want
you to know I'm not smoking Marlborough rets. This is
again you didn't even try to like tuck it in
the dress like I guess I'm just running through what
I would do, would just like hide my disgusting, smelly tobacco.
But you did put it in a ziploc bag, which
I appreciate. It's trash. It looks like it was a
Christmas display. It just look like a beautiful display. And

(39:41):
also did you did you notice I hate the towels
with my blood on it. I'm getting to that, mister,
I't that so so I was just like, I go, Chris,
I'm sorry he didn't tuck it more in because it's
like a beautiful towel than there's just like this white
rash trash sticking out. It's the most I was like

(40:05):
that fucking hillbilly. And he goes, did you just call
him a hillbilly? And I was like yes, this is
a fucking hillbilly moment. So then we go to bed
and um, Chris sleeps for forty five minutes. I don't
even sleep in the time that he's sleeping, so I'm
awake the whole time. I hear his alarm go off.

(40:26):
He gets up and he just wants to take a
hot shower before he gets on the plane. And he
just comes back and he goes, hey, um, did like,
did Ian like shower here? And I was like yeah
he did, and he goes, yeah, there's no towels left,
so he had no towels And then I'm this and
I go, babe, I'm so sorry. You can use the bathroom.

(40:47):
There's a fresh bathroom you could use that. He's like,
you know what, I don't even. He wasn't mad at all.
He was like, no, no, no, it's fine. But I
was just like, he was like, make yourself at home,
and there's no main surface between when Ian is at
my place and we are going to have to use
this again. So this morning, Ian, I woke up and

(41:11):
I got the bathroom and I see, I see what
Chris is attempted to look for in towels. And they're
towels hanging up and there's two of them. And what
Christmas have done was looking these towels to see if
they were like clean enough or had any like spray
tan stains, because he's used to seeing like my spray
tan on stuff and like going, it's dirty. And there

(41:32):
was blood all of his face. Chris just wanting a
hot shower in his own hotel room. I'd like to
dry off. Accordingly, there's not wet towels. There's like thirteen
packs of Morrows, and there's blood all over the towels.

(41:54):
It was so funny this. I started laughing so hard.
But he Chris, did I give a shit. I was
just like that fucking hill billy, bleeding and sweating all
over town. It was so funny tobacco. I didn't even

(42:15):
get into the after party. I know, Ian, you have
to go, but we go. We go to the after
party and Ian so it was like delicious food at
the after party. There are shrimp cocktails at the party.
How many did Ean have and how many shrimps are
on each one? Four? How many shrimp cocktails did e
In have? Four? So he did have two shrimp after

(42:44):
the ceremonies, plus six gigantic ones thirty prawns. Oh my gosh.
The documentary Spiracy is about you. What the fuck man,
our oceans are being to fleted. You're part of the
problem in I'm but we were laughing Zard because he

(43:08):
would like double hit. You know how sometimes people get
like two drinks for someone and they'll put like two
like like you know, like champagne glasses, because that's what
they were in. Was like kind of not champagne but
like um margarite and glasses. So he was told it's
like a waiter going, but he had two in each
inn and he kept pretending that he had a friend. Meanwhile,
the only thing I could eat there was this slaw

(43:29):
is like mango cuga for slaw, and I was holding
down our seats, and I was like, I could really
go for some more slaw. Ian goes to go get
some more food, brings back, No, Slaw brings back twenty
five shrimps. It was so funny. Oh my god, like

(43:49):
did you he posted a picture and the damn him
on the toilet. He sends it to me being like,
is that after we've I've sent him all these getty
images of us looking like so dapper as fuck on
the red carpet. By the way, he did get to
walk in the end. It was awesome and they were
like and we had such a good time doing that.
They the photographers loved you, like there was listen, you know,
this was all like um group of photos just you

(44:11):
go over here, over here. But they were like they
were cracking up at us. It was like I felt
like we were doing our pitch for like our sitcom,
you know, like what the posters would be. Yeah, Yanni
and Laurel. Oh my god, holy Yanni. Um I was
using I was using my cane as a guitar, yes,

(44:32):
and then like spinning around and and you know how,
you know how when on the Red Garbet when they
go who are you wearing? Where'd you get your suit.
I just would have got They were going, where'd you
get the cane? I would tell us about the cane? Where, Well,
it's a it's a pippie cane. I got it from
Georgetown back. If you see on Getty Image there is

(44:52):
a close up of Ian's cane. They just did a
real close up of the pipe. Okay, yes, because sometimes
they do that on there's one on my like bracelet,
there's one of my shoes. But there's there's cane heerbs
out there. Wait, let's talk about when you went up
to go have a cigarette after we did the Red
carpet and there were complete there were so many fans
out there waiting for the rivals celebrities. And I thought

(45:13):
we were just going out because I was just joining
him for his post carpet sig and there were like
a ton of people being like Nicki, NICKI, come take
a picture. It was all these like cute fans and
like they're just comedy fans, and they they were they
were waiting for Anniston, but they were throwing me a bone.
But then there was one group of guys yep that
go Ian finance, and I was like hell yeah, and

(45:35):
they knew Ian, and so then Ian goes and have
a cigarette, and then on the way back in, Ian
was like, I'm gonna go give some love to this
guy over here that shouted because they're behind a barricade
and they're kind of like quarantined off. So Ian's like,
I'm gonna go over to get to allow them to
take a picture with me because they were excited to
see him, which is the right thing to do. So
what happened Ian, Well, so I just I did. You

(46:01):
could go straight into the building, or you could go
this way and over to be around the people in
the barry. You're gonna give them a you know, I
was gonna do some selfies. You know, the people want
to be you know, it makes people feel good. So
I went over and I see all of them looking

(46:23):
at me, and now I'm headed into the building and
behind us is the red carpet where the limos and
the expedition show up. So I go over and they're
all looking at me, and I wave and these this
is a group of people that were going to eat
and Ian finance. So I'm like, oh, oh please please,
and they go there he is and I go, hey, guys,

(46:45):
and um, they completely ignored me, and we're looking at
the person who arrived by Ian was like, here, I am,
and they were like they were like, no more. And
that is exactly why I wanted to get the funk
out of there, because I knew famous people were gonna
roll up and we were gonna feel small as fuck.
But we were the only people there at the time,
so they were like so excited for us. Um. And

(47:07):
then we went into the event and we watched it
and it was so freaking good. We were like, you know,
feet away, we were fifth row. We got to see
Chris Rock, Conan O'Brien, Um, Rob Snyder, U, Ben Stiller,
Still Stu Aniston, Drew Barrymore Yeah, um and and and

(47:32):
many more. I think we're missing his mom. Adam's mom
did a thing. Adam's wife did a thing. I mean
it just if you want to feel bad about your relationship,
and like Adina Menzel adelmot nazim As, John Vulture calls,
if I do want to say, if you want to
feel bad about your own relationship, listen to the love
story of Adam and his wife on the Mark Twain
Prize Award for Humor on Sunday Night, like it is

(47:56):
like I was just sitting there and even after the show,
I asked a few other people like, were you comparing
your own relationship to theirs, And everyone's like yes, And
it was like, oh god, it's like watching a rom
com where you're just like, now you know where he
kind of like gets the um what are you using? Oh,
he's eating kale bites? Or then did you get kale bites? No?

(48:16):
I got egg white and roasted red pepper bites. Oh yeah,
those are good. Those are good. My my my screen
is frozen. You guys are frozen. So you think that
you're a frozen two? Yes? Right, I know what's going
through your head. Ian is he's starving. Ian's like a child,
you know how Like children if they can't see you,
they think you can't see them when they hide, like

(48:38):
they'll hide behind like a tree. So it's like but
you can see them totally. So Ian didn't whatever, but
we were laughing. Sword. I want to throw myself under
the bus a little bit because Ian, you caught this
moment and we never talked about it before. Remember when
I was trying to get us in the vip lound

(49:00):
and there was that guy I was trying to fight,
and I don't, dude, it wasn't racist. I want to
say what I did wasn't. I don't remember what people
look like. So I met this guy initially who was
like area, and I go, let me go get my friends.

(49:20):
I go get my friends. I come back and he's
not there anymore. But there was a guy that was
like there when this guy told me that, and I go,
where's that guy that just told me he can get
me in the VIP area? And he's like, and that
guy's a bestie. By the way, Um, I forget his name,
but he is probably listening to this. Bob was his name, Bob, Yeah,
shut up, shout out. Really good job remembering it. He

(49:41):
hung at the VIP party, was very nice. I really
enjoyed talking to him, and um, I was so sorry
this happened. But he went away and I couldn't fight.
But I didn't remember, Like I just I'm not good
with faces. And it sometimes gets misconstrued as racism because
it's just like, so I go, there was a guy
that was right here. He goes, oh, yeah, he's coming,
he's coming back. So he radioed him. He's like, he's

(50:02):
coming back and in my mind, I was like, I
think he was like a black guy. I don't really remember,
Like it just didn't stick. So then I see this
black guy coming down the way and I go, oh,
there he is, and I'm like, wave at this guy.
It's not him, okay, not at all. And then the
guy shows up and what is he in? And I go,

(50:27):
is that racist? I think they ever? Like it's I
think all brown people look alike a barely, but it's
not that. It just it didn't. That's how much I
don't care about racist that I don't. It doesn't even
go in my head that he's a Could that be it?
Or is it? I mean I kind of think, yes,
they well I just don't. I'm not kidding. Yes, they

(50:50):
were dressed alike because they were part of the staff,
so everybody was in the same thing. And on top
of it, most of the time every staff member was
wearing asks, so you couldn't like see ship. Okay, I'm
totally on your team. I mean, I thought it was
fucked up when you saw the guy and you go, oh,
that's right, that one's riding a magic carpet. I was like,

(51:12):
that's a bit much. But I just think it's hilarious
that I it wasn't like I just I just saw,
like I just remember I met him, and I think
my mind must have gone he does have darker skin tone.
It wasn't I was so urgent your head. It's it's
the same thing that was in my head about I
wouldn't admit it. I wouldn't admit it on this podcast.

(51:33):
There was nothing about me that was like I think
he's less then, or I see them all as the same.
It was just funny to me that it's not like
I misconstrue two black people, because whenever that happens, I
beat myself up so much. One time I tipped a
girl hundred bucks. I was not helping at all. I
thought her one hundred dollars. After the show, and everyone

(51:53):
was like, this happens to me with white people. To it,
Maybe it doesn't because I'm maybe more familiar with because
I'm surrounded by the more. I don't know, maybe I
do have a subconscious uh, Like, it's not like I
think they're less than because I can't always it doesn't.
Whatever it is, I'm not meaning to do this, and
I think that there's something to be said for me
admitting that sometimes I fuck up, but I did. One

(52:15):
time at the DC improv Tom Takar witnessed me give
a girl who from behind looked exactly like this other
girl then the same hairstyle, and I go, hey, thank
you so much for this weekend, and I gave her
a crisp under dollar bill. She did not one time
come by our green room. She was not our green
room girl, so that I had to. So then we
were walking by black people in the street. He's like,
you want to give him und like just to be safe,

(52:37):
and I was like, but you know what, that's that's
my reparations for being such a piece of shit. I
pay people, you know. But I felt but Ian caught it,
and I get so embarrassed when I get caught being
maybe racist, I get so embarrassed, and not that that's like,
don't feel sorry, but I just get um, I get
really insecure, like am I do I need to correct this?

(52:59):
But it was just it's like I can't help that
I don't really look at faces sometimes, or I can't
help that even maybe I do have that sort of
like confusion because I didn't grow around up around black
people as much so and I feel like black people
and um Asian people feel the same way about white people.
A lot of times I've heard that they also think
we all look alike? Is that true? Not that I'm
saying that I think they all do. I gotta ask,

(53:24):
do you think all white people ever? Like do you
think some white people look alike? Ever? Do you get
a confused? What did he say? Did you say? He
said not really? But he was no? But is he
is he Asian American? Like? Did he grow up in America?
And like, so he's been surrounded by white people forever?
I'm saying, like, I'm not surrounded by Asian people all

(53:44):
the time. I'm not, Like I haven't been exposed enough.
And that's my fault. I gotta put myself in more situations,
that's the problem. Yeah, you know. Um, so thank you
for doing that case study. You gotta get to your podcast.
Uh yeah, all right, Well we gotta go to break anyway,
we'll say goodbye, thank you. Is there anything you would
like to leave us with before we leave? Any other

(54:06):
final Um? Do you want to call me out for
any hilarious things? I mean, I called you out many times? No, No,
I'm I'm a good person. And so I just want
to say, you know, life is like a party you're
not invited to, You're not there for a long time,
and while you're there, eat up all the shrips. Okay,

(54:30):
be and Ian with Jordan Padreon dot com slashing Ian
pod Nick. I love you. I couldn't have had a
better You are such a good day. I love you
and and and honestly, man, I am such a diehard
sale Oh my god, you went and saw Jack and
Jill in the theaters twice, so he was like, it
was the perfect person. Jack and Jill in theaters twice.

(54:52):
I've seen the Cobbler three times. Like, I don't even
know what the Sandler shaped who I am as a
person with comedy, how I view my friendships, how I
view uh, just treating people. He's his ability to be
sincere and funny and cute and heartfelt but also silly,
like really shaped my ethos with comedy. So to be

(55:14):
there for that was awesome. It was such it was
such a surreal, wonderful moment. I can't thank you enough
for inviting me, giving me the pep talk. I love you,
and I love and Noah. I wish you all the
shrimps and um, you know, I just hope one day
you guys will stop being racist. Anyway. Uh, okay, let's

(55:37):
go to break and come back with more and we're
gonna read it up. All right, we're back. Ian Is
now is no longer with us. And did he die
from your mouth? Um? No? Uh? God love him? What?
What an insane person? And he's the best kind option.

(55:59):
It's so kind, so fun to be around. Just a hoot.
Um has so much anxiety that you were not allowed
to have any So it's like it was so he
was such a bundle of nerves that it was like
it calmed me down, which is a good maybe a
good device. Just you know, it's interesting to hear you
are so nurturing and like it's okay calming his restless
leg and oh yeah, because he kept his leg was

(56:21):
jumping and the whole row would shake and it's really annoying.
Like have you ever been in a seat that's attached
to someone who's shaking their leg? Like yes, remember the
guy on the plane that I was too scared to
talk to him because he was drinking all those whiskeys
in a row and then he was adeptivty Yeah, that's
too scary. That was I. I advised you not to
do anything, but I just was gently like putting my

(56:41):
hand on Ean's leg and he go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
and I'm like no, no, no, no, no, it's okay.
I'm just letting you be aware of it, like because
it would start up right again, like he was a
dog falling off other people's plates. Yeah, he's just trying
to loosen up some prawns. Um So, any any news
from your world this weekend? Anya? Um? Any highlights? Any highlights?

(57:06):
Mad is back. He was at south By Southwest with
his band, The Natural Lines. So the end of my
time alone happened. It's over. Oh yeah, you were alone
for like five days alone. Yeah. But he's home and
it's nice to have him back, and you know, just
seems Yeah, it's great to have him. It's great to

(57:26):
be reunited. I don't have a boyfriend right now. It's um.
People keep going like house Chris and I go, we
eve an arrangement now when he is on these jobs,
I tell him, you don't need to worry about me
at all. If you want to text me and reach out,
you can, But like, I don't even want to reach
out to you, because I know so many people are
like I know, his texts are just flooded, and he's
not getting back to anyone because he's so in the

(57:48):
tunnel of work that I don't even want to add
to it by being like, good night, babe. So it's
just like he's on the show alone, like he's he's
out in the wilderness. I don't even weird. We're not
to like I. You know, it's like that Taylor Stift song.
It's like when they asked me if I have a boyfriend,

(58:09):
I can still say I don't remember. People were like,
how's your boyfriend. I'm like, I, oh, I have one.
I don't remember. Like I had a little break. It's
not like I was like doing anything during that time.
I was like not a single lady, but I didn't
have to worry about a relationship whatsoever. And he also
because in the past we've gone through these times and
it's like he has to steal away and put in
more effort. I just like to give him, and he

(58:30):
the same for me, like he always gives me the
benefit when I'm going through like a special taping or
like a really hard week of work that I don't
have to be girlfriend. I don't need to be like
checking in on him like anything that will like cloud
this myopic line of tunnel vision towards the end of
this show that you're doing you don't need in your life.

(58:50):
So it was really nice to give him that and
to both understand each other and be like because he
did the breeding and the Beast live in November, and
I was a little bit like, you weren't around owned
a lot murmurmur, and so this time I was like,
I promise, I'm not going to pull that shit. There's
no way I'm even if I do, I'm not going
to let you know like you I don't have a
right too because I'm giving you the license to like.

(59:11):
You don't have to. We're not this. I'm dating someone
who cannot give me anything during those weeks. And if
even if you wanted to, I wouldn't want you to
because I want you to get rusted. I don't need
you to call me. I'd rather you be sleeping during
those times. Take care of yourself. So yeah, at last week,
because I was proud of myself because this is the
first relationship I've ever been in where it's secure and

(59:32):
the guy is like communicating with me plenty, and I'm
you know, I don't have the need to feel anxious
or jealous or anything. I'm just like, I'm good, I'm
happy alone. He's texting me throughout the day. We're connected.
It's nice, you know, not a lot, just like how
how are you? But then the last day, something weird

(59:53):
happened because my last big relationship, which was as we
all know, decades ago, that person would go on tour
and then I would find out later all these horrible
things happened like years later, years later, or even something
like one time. I remember I flew to New Zealand
and then he came off the tour bus and I

(01:00:15):
saw him like walking with all the very beginning of
your dating right like barely made it official. Maybe you
hadn't made it official, but you thought it was. I
think we had been dating six weeks and I had
just maybe moved in with him, very it was very rash,
it's real, but I hadn't talked to him in a while. Anyway,
I fly all the way to New Zealand from San Diego,

(01:00:36):
was like nineteen hours all in, and he's getting off
the bus and I see him, and he's all disheveled
and then like he sits down and and I like
my gut went off like red alert, and I was like,
you didn't, like nothing bad happened. Did it last night
or something? And he was like, I mean, I'm a guy.

(01:00:57):
I'm gonna kiss other girls. And I remember like, fuck,
this is not the relationship I thought it was. This
is not this is a bad scene. You have to
get out of this. And I was so exhausted after
that nineteen now word traveled. I just remember thinking like,
this is the moment where you set the scene for

(01:01:18):
what you will. Yes, yes, And I just remember being like,
you're a guy. You're a guy, You're gonna kiss other girls.
So you kissed other girls? And he was like, I mean, yeah,
I'm a guy. I don't want to talk about it.
I'm tired. And I just remember like I stayed because
I thought I was looking at my suitcase and like
I should just get on the plane and fly home.

(01:01:39):
This is bullshit, and I'm like I'm just too tired.
And it was like a fancy tour. It was like
a four seasons hotel, speaking of four seasons, and I
just stayed for six years. How many times in relationships
have there's been that moment where whether it's like they
cheat on you or they just say something really shitty
or like, and you have that chance of like, I

(01:02:00):
could get out now and say I don't tolerate this,
but I'm sorry. There's something about when you tolerate it
that you kind of give them the green light to like, yeah,
treat me like shit, and then they don't respect you
because they just gave you a little test and you
failed it by being weak and like, but all that's why.

(01:02:21):
There's like this girl and our group of friends, a
friend of a friend of a friend, and she is
like dating a new guy and it's getting to the
point where they might sleep together and there's nothing official
on the table, and she's like, didn't sleep with them yet.
They've only hooked up one time. They did hanky panky,
but nothing suit like, no sex, and she's like, I'll
probably sleep with them next time. And I don't even

(01:02:41):
know this girl, And I'm telling my friend tell her
not to fuck him, please God, for the love of God,
she really likes him, she feels like she could be
falling in love with him. For the love of God.
Fight every instinct you have, and do not sleep with him.
Don't convince yourself that, no, this one's gonna be different.
He's not going to respect you more after you sleep

(01:03:02):
with him and you have not talked about being exclusive.
He's gonna think you do this. He's gonna subconsciously think
you do this with every guy, that you're kind of easy,
and he's gonna value you less. And I know that
they come off like an encouragement to play a game.
It is not not to speak for you, Nikki, but
this is not like don't fuck him in order to
get x Y, play Monopoly or sorry, or just anything

(01:03:27):
to keep him from your dick in his dick inside you,
because after the dicks inside you, the game is up. Man.
It's more like, listen to your true gut feeling. Is
it that you're dying to have sex with him so
much and you can't wait, or is it that you're
terrified that you'll lose him if you don't have sex
with him? Right, I'll tell you. For me, it was

(01:03:49):
always the terrified I'll lose him, he'll lose interest, And
I'd convince myself, no, no, no, I'm just really horny.
No no, no, I wasn't really horny. I mean, of
course it was exciting and I was horny, but yes,
it was also just like I want him to be
my boyfriend. And if like your joke or you're like,
we women think if we give you things, you'll like us,
so we like this same give you stuff like, oh
he wants this, he'll be mad at me if I

(01:04:10):
don't get it, and then he won't like me anymore.
And it is. It's that works for almost everything except actually,
don't give him gifts. That's another rule in that book.
Not a rule, but like, don't give them gifts. They
don't they want to win you over. And but we're
so used to being people pleasers that we cannot put
that aside in relationships, and we think that we can.
Like remember when you were like going to buy that

(01:04:31):
guy a rug that you didn't that didn't like like
he was not, and you were like, oh my god,
I wish I had that cool, but you know what,
I bought myself one from the same store. It's right
here and it's good, but you could have two. I know.
It was bigger than this, And there was a part
of you that was like, he's gonna feel nurtured, like

(01:04:53):
did you make him cookies at one point too or
was that a different guy? A lot? Let let me stress,
not gift from so long ago, like three years. Yeah,
and Madden, you are not together because of any of this.
There's no you never gave Matt a gift, and when
you did, you guys were not together because you tried
some of this with Matt and it did not work,
and you guys were not together. Actively nothing worked with

(01:05:14):
my current relationship until I finally started to truly love
and respect myself. And sounds like a cliche, but yeah,
to be like, no, I what I really want, if
I'm honest, is a relationship. Yeah, that's what I really
of course I want to have sex with them, and
all that stuff like what I really want gets in
their heads is they're like, but I want sex. I
love sex, and I deserve it. I'm not going to

(01:05:35):
deprive myself. And it's like, you don't know what you're doing.
You can lie to yourself all day about how sex
feels good, go fucking masturbate. Then you want to have
sex because you think they're gonna like you more after it,
and also you do want to have it too, But
just because you want something does not mean and I've
said this in my special before, people like predicate their
whole lives and their whole personalities. I like because I

(01:05:57):
want it. It's like I want, I want why I'm
not gonna I want to have some of them because
I want to because it feels good. I can't be
vegan because I like Jeee and I like me. It's like, well,
I would also like to murder someone sometimes. There are
times where I would like to drive up on the
sidewalk and run over someone, just to see how it
feels on my car, hitting the car and like going

(01:06:17):
It would literally soothe me to sometimes and in public
slap a child that's crying or just go shut the
fuck up, you're a bad parent. I would love to
do it, but I don't because it doesn't work for
my life. So these things that always feel good to us,
why do we get to do whatever we want and
when it suits us? There's always an excuse of like,

(01:06:38):
but I want to because you know what, that's the
fucking paradox of being a person. And we talked about
this before, of like you're supposed to like nurture yourself
and be good to yourself and relax and self care.
But then there's also that like you gotta never quit
in the middle, drive till the end, work hard, passion,
like struggle. There's like we get mixed messaging all the

(01:07:00):
fucking time, so I don't even know what you should do.
I'm full mixed messages myself, but I will convince ourselves that, like,
if we have sex with them, then they'll be my boyfriend.
And it's so unfortunately it never happens. There's always one
girl where we slept together on the first night. Well,
that's because your boyfriend likes women who do that. You
he has a mom that was kind of like ballsy

(01:07:22):
and crazy and kooky, and that work. Like it's rare
that that happens. It's like one person out of every
audience that I go, have you ever slept with a
guy in the first night, Like there's always one girl
that's like I slept with my husband on the first night.
It's like, okay, So yes, there are anomalies, but by
and large, if you're single now and you've been sleeping
with guys on the first date or second date or
third date or before you have a relationship and you're single,

(01:07:46):
it has not worked for you yet. It hasn't worked
for you yet, it hasn't led to a lasting relationship.
That because I'm thinking you won a lasting relationship. So
look at the data that you have and it's a
it's hard, it's a hard swallow that say that. Okay,
final thought, let's do a quick a couple quick Reddit

(01:08:06):
dumps karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. Okay, so
this is to me. I r L for me, I
r L to me in real life. For me, in
real life, it says dudes will make zero moves on
their crush and then proceed to post this and then
it's like this moody post of like this like anime

(01:08:29):
character smoking a cigarette and it just says, maybe I'm
meant to be lonely. It's like maybe laugh so hard
because we've all done things like this. This isn't just
a dude thing. But like you, I would always get
so upset that guys didn't like me or like wouldn't
make a move. I mean I would get mad at
guys that wouldn't make a move but they had I
was giving them no indication that it would be okay

(01:08:49):
to make a move. But also, you can't get upset
when you get rejected, when you have not taken, when
you haven't put yourself out there, when you haven't accepted
the invite to the Mark Twain Prize Award. You can't
aunt like you can't live in the wreckage of a
thing you didn't even do yet, like you gotta take chances.
Would you ever do, Adam Sandler? I would? I would.

(01:09:09):
I was always making the first move always, which is
a bad which is not a good noise to women
for women to do women, you're supposed to make a
prolonged eye contact, touched them a lot, like give indicators
of interest, which I would never do. But there are
things women can do to get men to make a move.
But men, you got you gotta just go like can
I kiss you right now? Just ask that? And I
know that's awkward, and um. Adam Sandler actually there was

(01:09:30):
an old clip from his stand up early days last
night and he was like, just ask her. He got
advice from his dad. He's like, just to ask her out.
What's the worst. The worst she can say is no,
And she was like, get away from you, ugly freak,
And he goes, hey, you just you didn't follow the rules,
or he says something about like the worst she could
do is not no, it could be like very hurtful,
and that's the thing everyone's scared of. Okay, this is

(01:09:51):
from me I R l Um. It's a tweet from
Culture Cultural Savage. Um. I just saw someone saying you
didn't make good choices, you had good choices, and I
am completely floored. I mean, what a great way to
talk about privilege. You didn't make good choices. You had
good choices, which is like how I feel about everyone

(01:10:12):
that has anything in the world that you want. It's
not because they were better than you and made better
choices in life. They had better choices. You were born
with shittier parents than them. You were born in a
shittier town than them. You were born in a socioeconomic
era or time that didn't afford you to have the
same opportunities. Don't compare yourself to others because it generally

(01:10:32):
is just about the fucking pussy you came out of
and the circumstances. Nothing You yourself are flawed and are
doing wrong. I have a friend I need to send
that to. Okay, this is a word of the day.
This is a tweet from Susie Underscore Dent. Word of
the day is latibulate lat ibu l at seventeenth century

(01:10:54):
to hide in a corner in an attempt to escape reality.
And then someone said, okay, well we're bringing that back obviously,
the hide in the corner and attempt to escape reality.
I mean, I've never done that before, but um, I
think I kind of wanted to do it last night
at times. Um. And then this is if you're doing
it under the covers. I do that every day. Yeah,

(01:11:14):
you do under the covers a lot. Um. What is that?
My arms get cold and I just don't want them cold.
But sometimes I just brought my phone up on a
pillow and then I put them under the covers and
then my head is out. I don't like my head
to get hot. Yeah, I have to air it out
a lot. But I like to be in my clothes.
And then I get on top of the bed. But

(01:11:34):
then there's another cover that's very light. Oh you don't
go in the bed itself because it's a cave. Okay,
all right, it feels so soothing. Try it. I'm not
going to. But um, because I just get up straight
up in bed, I'll get in like why I don't.
I don't need to not get in bed, But why
do you not get in bed because you don't want
to mess up your covers? I do it both, like

(01:11:56):
when I'm when it's nighttime and I'm ready to sleep,
I do it. But it gets until he's earned it,
until you made a work for it, until you have
a lasting relationship based on honestine truth with your bed. Okay,
today I learned. This is today I learned. Cute aggression,
or the urge to squeeze cute animals or babies, is

(01:12:16):
the brain's coping mechanism to temper the onslaught of positive feelings.
Because if you find yourself incapacitated by how cute a
baby is, so much so that you simply can't take
care of it, that baby is going to starve. So
if you we have that, we want to eat babies
because it means that we want to get close to them,
and that urge is better than something so cute. We

(01:12:39):
don't want to touch it and mess it up. We
have more of an urge to squeeze it. So because
if something was too cute, we'd be like, oh, I'm
just gonna I'm gonna ruin it and mess it up,
and like, I don't want to mess up this perfectly
pristine baby. So evolutionarily we want to like hold things
and smother it so that they get more hands on. Well,
this ruin of something you post on Instagram a little

(01:12:59):
while back, and I related to it so much because
I feel this way about my cat Buzzy. And a
couple of months ago, or like like six months ago
or so, you posted a video of Luigi on the
balcony and you're like, he's so fucking cute. I just
want to murder him. Yes, And I just squeeze my
cat to death because I love him so much. I know.

(01:13:23):
Is it that's a biological urge? It's good, yes, because
it makes us want to get close to them, as
opposed to like, if you love something so much, you
don't want to touch it because you don't want to
mess it up. Okay, but do you ever want to
squeeze your dog's paws because they're just so like sometimes
I have to. I was doing it with a puppy
the other day. I was like, oh yeah. Then I

(01:13:44):
was like, calm down, Like this is a little to
do much. I did it with Forest the other day.
My nephew and was just like, oh, and I I
could just feel it. It was like getting a little
too tight. But I was like, I just gotta squeeze
some baby juice out of you, Like I just want
to make a glass and chug it. Oh God. So
that was interesting that I think that there's a reason

(01:14:05):
we do that, and it's just so that we won't
leave babies alone and they get so much love and attention.
And let me just say, if you are a parent
out there, the number one advice I have if your baby,
if you want your baby to be successful, shower them
with confidence. Make them feel that no matter who they are,
they can do whatever. Don't have any doubt in them ever,

(01:14:25):
even if it's delusional, even if you know that they're
not the best at something, Convince them they're the best
at everything, and you will make a millionaire baby who
will take care of you. And all the lack of
self esteem that you have from your parents who did
not counterintuitive to like the last generation, which everyone's raising
kids that are now like you know, twelve thirteen fourteen,

(01:14:46):
with the new values of like I'm not going to
tell them they're so special all the time because that's bullshit.
I'm going to just be realistic, like, that's great, you
did a great job. So you're saying through the opposite, Oh,
absolutely make your kid feel they have the potential to
do anything that. Oh well, if if you're not good
at that, it's just because you didn't practice enough. That
is that's the secret. It's like instill in them the

(01:15:07):
work ethic. But let them know that that is there,
because that is actually true. You are capable of anything
if you put in enough hours to it. And that
is what I think I lacked in my life, was
like you either have it or you don't. And the
thing is anything could be gleaned from enough practice. And
if kids are understand that and are instilled with that
belief in themselves, they are unstoppable. And all of my

(01:15:28):
friends who are the biggest megastars that you know, the
biggest names, someone told them that they were the best
and they believed it from the get go. And I
sometimes have glimmers of it, but it's something I've had
to teach myself as opposed to it was like just
in me, I got it a little bit. But do
your kids a favor and just believe in them. No

(01:15:49):
matter what. And I'll never be a parent, so I
can't do that with any kids, but like, if I
can teach you how to parent, not that you would
ever take my advice, but that is the number one
thing that I would do if I were a parent.
It's just make my child feel like they can do anything,
and that the prettiest, and I would say prettiest Honestly,
I know we're not supposed to comment on looks, strongest, prettiest,
most beautiful, all of the things lie lie, lie, lie,

(01:16:12):
and they will be Adam Sandlers levels of fame. No,
And they're generous because but be loving to them. Teach
them to love their family and love others, because that
was the other thing I learned from Adam Sandler is
that he loves his family and friends so much. He's
put them in everything he does. He's his whole. He
employs everyone he's ever worked with. And there were people

(01:16:33):
there last night that I met that Adam knew in college,
that they just were like friends in the dorm and
like they're still friends, and he's like, Adam has still
stayed in my life. He was like I never I
went to all his comedy shows, but like I didn't
go the comedy route, but he brought a lot of
comedy people with them. But it's just it's just cool
that Adam has kept it so in the family, and
it's just it was all a really beautiful night about

(01:16:54):
family and friends and speaking of so glad to have
my two friends and doing this podcast today Antie and
Finances too. He's you guys looked so happy and say
on the Red carpet, I love those phos. That is
always fun. That's like the happiest I've ever seen you
on the Red carpet. It was. It was a little
bit of a lie, but you know, you play it up.

(01:17:14):
You're on the Red carpet. You're like, no, we're all
crack it up. We had a great time. He was
twirling that cane round and I was so happy for
him because these getty images are so expensive, like these
are not easy to get to get on the Red
Carpet is not easy, and so when I got him
on it, I mean even me getting on it was
a struggle. Chris had to pull a lot of strings
and then um, and it was just so great to

(01:17:35):
get him on it. So now he has all these
like glamorous pictures of himself and he looked fucking great
And I'm so happy and that you gave him that
pep talk. I mean that that's a very important time.
I told him. Took up on it again, I said,
because of what you're saying when you aren't as successful
as you want to be. And I hear you bitching
about it outside the cellar, sucking down to Marlborough red
and talking about who got what you I will never

(01:17:56):
listen to you say that again, because you were turning
down this opportunity that could make you more successful. And um,
and that's what you got to say, Like you can
turn down these chances to be better and to get better,
but you better not complain about it, because you made
your own bed. But that's why you're a good friend.
Is a lot of people with recourage to say that, though,
why what do you mean? Because I think most people

(01:18:18):
aren't brave enough to say that, I really do. I
think that's what makes you a good friend. My friends.
Good friends is because they can tolerate hearing the cold,
hard truth and not think that it means I'm mad
at them, Like what's going to happen? Like is he
going to be mad? At me if I say that,
what's bad about what I said? Like, what are you scared?

(01:18:38):
Why wouldn't you say that to a friend? I'm sorry
to get it. I don't necessarily feel that way, like
I might be like if I got that text from him,
I'd be like, oh, that's such a bummer. But okay,
oh yeah, I was like, this is bullshit because he
deserves to be there. I invited him and he's not
going because he's scared. Stop doing things because you're scared.

(01:19:00):
That is the number one thing. And if I could
give any advice for people who didn't get a lot
of encouragement thinking they were the best in the world.
When you are scared of something, say yes to it.
That that is the surest side that you should do it,
and just suck it up. Because no one's ever died
of embarrassment. No one's ever died from a feeling literally ever,
it's never happened. A feeling of embarrassment or anxiety has

(01:19:21):
never killed anyone. I know you're gonna be like a
heart attack, You're not gonna have a fucking heart attack.
Just say yes to things that scare you. I do
it all the time, including telling a story when I
mixed up an Indian guy and a black guy and
I'm gonna be okay. You might cancel me, but I
home studio, I'm you're in Saint Louis. I'm gonna be fine,
and I have my friends and family and that's what
makes me rich in life. Thank you guys for listening
to show dont Bika and Justice all the shriv

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Nikki Glaser

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