March 31, 2021 • 59 mins
Between You and Nikki, she's in a pretty good mood. She talks about some perfume sampling, working through some resentments that you could probably relate to. Andrew delivers some headlines about alternate reality, tongue stretching and divorce before they introduce the segment Collection of Co'uhls. Big announcement in the Final Thought- Listener names!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Nikki Glaser Podcast Tears Nikki, Yeah, what's up everyone?
How you doing out there? Noah, how you doing? Hi, Nikki,
I'm good. How are you doing. I'm good. I'm in
(00:22):
a really good mood to day. I don't know why,
no reason. Maybe I got a lot of sleep yesterday.
We'll find out. When I asked Andrew Crawlin how he
slept and then he never returns the question and I
just kind of answer it myself. So yeah, I'm in
a good mood. Right out of the gate between you
and me. I'm getting a lot of messages about you
(00:47):
never said the perfume, Nikki. You never said the name
of the perfume, Nikki, you never told us what it is,
Paris Hilton perfume from two episodes ago. That I thought
I I told you guys later on in the episode. Yeah,
I thought so too. People said I've been scouring it
and I can't find it, and drum roll please, so
(01:09):
many of you don't care. It's called electrify. Now let
me throw something else in there. If for those of
you who are just listening to this for the first time,
I'm really I'm not good about perfumes. I have always
had what I would I guess describe as I'm insecure
about my own perceptions of things, always have been. I
(01:31):
don't trust that when I like something that's good enough
to for it to be good, like an outfit or
a perfume, especially at perfume. When I like a sense,
it doesn't matter, it matters if other people like it,
because I think there's something to that because whatever you wear,
you're gonna get used to. Anyway. You could spray like
(01:54):
you know, cab driver BO on you and then you
would eventually not smell it because there is a biological
reason for that. Let me explain it really quick. The
reason that people with BO don't smell their own bio
or you get used to a smell is because being
able to smell things is a way to tell if
there's danger. And so if food is spoiled or there's
(02:17):
like some kind of I don't know, some kind of
feeme wafting into your TP when we were all in
tps at some point, so you get nose blind, shout
up for breeze to smell so that your senses can
then readjust and let in another scent that might kill you.
(02:39):
So that's why we get nose blind. It's actually the reason.
This is the one day I paid attention in a
psychology class when I went to see you Boulder. There's
so fascinating though. It's also the reason that our eyes.
If you ever look at your eyes, they're constantly twitching, right,
they're never just steady. If your eye we're just steady,
(03:01):
then you would go blind like the It wouldn't go
you wouldn't go blind, but it would create a complete
like black like you know, if you've ever fainted, you
would get that kind of vision. Because it was because
the it's a static image. You already know what it is.
It's not causing you any harm. It's fine, get it
out of the way, allow new images to come in.
(03:24):
But because we don't want to constantly have that happen,
our eyes twitched constantly to Readjust isn't that interesting? So anyway,
I don't trust my nose. I trusted this scent because
Pearis Silton. I was with her and she sprayed it
all over herself, and I go, you know what, if
it's good enough for Pears, it's damn good enough for me.
And then the other night I had two guys here
(03:47):
at the that that night I did that podcast. I
think it's two nights three nights ago at two guys
here and I go, can I just test this scent
on you? And I sprayed it and I gave it
to one and he said it's it's nice. Like he
wasn't thrilled, and I was a little bit like, Okay,
did you spray it on them or on you? No?
On my wrist? Okay, so you gave them your wrist,
(04:09):
got it? Yeah, I sprayed it on my wrist. I'm
gonna put my wrist in their face. And he was like,
it's nice, but it was like a you know, being
nice to me kind of nice. He was like, it's sweet.
It's not like a there's like a sweetness to it,
which I love. Andrew was like that's fine. And then
my friend Robin was like, oh, I hate it. That's
why I was so offended when you sprayed it on
(04:30):
me one time. And I was like what I was?
And I was she has really good taste. So I
was so every I don't know what to think anymore
about the scent, even though Paris Hilton wears it and
I think it's great because I had a friend, say,
a friend whose taste I really respect more than my
own probably say that it was bad. I was like,
(04:52):
I hate it now, and that's that's just says more
about me than the scent. And then she sprayed channel
and it was so good that even if it was poop,
I would have been like, that's good because it's Chanelle,
because I'm so like, just program wwarped. What do you?
What do you wear? Did you I wear Chloe? And
I do like ye safe. There is a Chanel one
(05:14):
that I like. It's not the standard one, but just
something very light. I think. Also, perfumes smell different on
different people based on their pheromones, yeah, and their pH
balance and yeah, all that biological stuff. Yeah, I why
don't they have sense that are like new Nikes or
(05:36):
a fresh textbook that like, you know, a glossy textbook
the inside corner like the inside. I love pushing my
nose into a crevice of a new fresh book that
goes like that, like clicks when you open it. Is
that the weirdest smell you like? Mmm? I think the
weirdest smell I like is like a boy I likes
(05:59):
like armpit or like his you know, the taint part
of his underwear. I like, I used to like inhale.
My boyfriend's like, like so gross. Trying to think of
like the weirdest smell. I don't mind a sharpie, although
I write with them a lot and sometimes I start
getting a headache because I'm like getting high from it.
(06:20):
Do you like gasoline? Yes? I remember you saying that
it's not my face. It's not something I hate, but
it's not my favorite. But a lot of people love gasoline.
Trying to think of other smells I enjoy. I love.
I don't mind a subway. It's not like I love it,
but like I know that has like a very distinct smell.
(06:41):
The store or the transportation vehicle. Oh god, the store Okay,
but I guess they're both disgusting about it. That wasn't
one that I like. I'm like, actually, like I was
just thinking people smells. People are like I hate that,
and I'm like, I don't mind it. Yeah, I just
I You know, what I love is the Guardinia smell
(07:03):
of uh, what's that cleaning product? And Assus Meyer missus Myers.
The orange kind is Like, if I'm just going off
of what I love that that I think that's geranium.
What did I say guardinia gardinia? Yeah it is geranium.
Oh shoot, did you okay? Yeah, geranium. I like that smell,
(07:25):
but I want a signature smell. I've always been paranoid
that I smell in some way, you know, like whenever
a boy or something someone tells me I smell good.
If when people get close and they're like, you smell good,
I like, I get almost nervous because I think they're
lying to me, because I think that's what they think
(07:47):
they have to say to someone who's because you know
how sometimes you like seen in mean Girls where a
girl has a bracelet on. She's like, I love your
bracelet and she actual wit and she goes, that's the
fucking ugliest bracelet I've ever seen, because I've done I
used to that when I was a liar. Like if
someone had like something ugly and I was caught staring
at it because I'm like, that's so ugly, I'd be like, oh,
I love your pants, like I because I thought they
(08:07):
caught me in my life, so I'd say the opposite.
I would never do that now, literally never. But I
think sometimes people compliment my smell because they're like, you
smell bad, and she probably knows that she smells mad,
So I'm gonna tell her she smells I don't. I don't.
I'm going to stop you right there, because I've been
around you on a daily basis. I've also worn your clothes,
clothes which you've given to me, impact in your suitcase,
(08:29):
and I know that some of them were not washed,
and I've put them on and tried them on. You
do not have a smell. Oh thanks Noah. That means
so much to me. The other day on set, I
was trying to think of an insult for me, like
a nickname. It was a joke where it was like
and I don't appreciate when people call me blah blah blah.
And I was trying to think of like funny things
about me in a relationship, like too much teeth glazer
(08:52):
or flat ass bitch or you don't like, just things
about me that would be funny but not too mean.
And the ad on the show who was standing behind
me and was just trying to contribute but like not
give things that were like we were just like it
wasn't like real things. He goes bad breath, and I
(09:16):
was so mad. I just turned around, like are use
and he's close to me a lot, so I was like,
is that he contributing based on facts? Because I and
I go, you just you just stumbled onto some, don't
I go? Is that? I don't even know what I said,
but I said listen. I had next boyfriend write a
rap song about how I had bad breath once because
(09:38):
I broke his heart, and he performed it on a
show in front of me after I thought we were
just friends and I've and and now I'm self conscious
about having bad breath, which he even assured me I
do not. The rap guy he said it was one
time after we you ate a salad that had onions
on it and we were making out and we were
like drunk, and I was like, good point, but still
(10:00):
I was very I'm always self conscious about that, and
sometimes I do have bad breath. Everyone does. Who cares? Andrew?
What do I have? Like constant? No, Andrew does not
have bad breath, Thank god. If he did, I would
tell him in a second. I would have no problem
with it. But everyone on set goes, Nikki, you don't
have My makeup artist was like, you don't have bad breath.
(10:22):
If you did, I would tell you, and I go no,
you wouldn't. That's so rude. If I had halijos, if
I had an uncurable bad breath, you wouldn't tell me.
That's like the only disease that you can have in
a doctor wouldn't even tell you because it's rude. So
I rest my case, all right, bringing in Andrew, Uh,
stay there and he'll be He'll be right here. I'm
(10:43):
sure he's waiting on the stairs like an eager child
waiting for Christmas morning. Andrew. All right, andrewll welcome to
our show. Good morning. I just leap. I've slept good.
I slept good. I mean I slept a lot the
last day and a half, and I feel like a
(11:05):
new man. I can't believe how much you slept yesterday.
It was the best I needed it, you know, I was. Yeah,
it's amazing what it can do. I feel completely refreshed.
I feel like we had a nice talk yesterday. I
feel like I'm very appreciative of you. Don't well you
none of you know. But we had a huge fight
(11:26):
on the show, but it didn't record, Like, by the
grace of God or Noah just lying to us and saying, hey,
I didn't record. Can you guys redo it because that's
gonna make us lose listeners. So we had like a
blowout fight that was all, you know, started because we
both had to list each other's insecurities. Then we had
(11:50):
to Then we had a huge fight and then and
then I go to bed and then we kind of
made it. We did make up in it for sure.
And then I was like, I'm going to bed in
the nose like it didn't record, can you come back?
So we did. The final thought yesterday was like a
d It was after the fact, but thank god because
we got that whole thing out of the way and
(12:11):
we'll we'll do for another one about a month. Yeah. Yeah,
I look, the more I think about it, we spend
more time with each other than than a married couple. Yeah.
So the fact that we wouldn't have blow ups we're
not human, that we would just be complete sociopaths. Yeah, yes,
that's true. I think. Yes, I'm glad you feel better
(12:32):
after the thing yesterday. I didn't really I was. I was.
I had to work through some resentments yesterday on my
own time towards me. Yeah. H when you're driving, did
the grocery store what it did? Were you listening What
were you listening to? Well, I was listening to Taylor Swift,
but I was I wasn't and the music wouldn't take
(12:54):
me out of it. I wasn't trying to like get
it out through Taylor Swift, which is what it usually do.
I was like, STU can traffic. I was just resentful
yesterday of not even you, of having to go get
my own groceries, which is forty five minutes away, and
I was stuck in traffic on my day off when
I would have liked to be like on a walk
or running or going to a meeting which would be
(13:16):
helpful for my life or whatever. I was just like,
why can't I just need a need someone in my
life to do these things for me? Because I am
working full time, I'm working four jobs in terms of
having to write stand up, I'm doing Conan next week.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I am working
(13:37):
this job, I do this podcast, which you know doesn't
take that much, and I'm just like, it's not even you.
It's just like I need an assistant. I guess yeah,
I mean yeah, I mean we're sleeping all day. And
so it did kind of but I made No, it isn't.
I need food, but you you have a thing where
(13:59):
you can ask them to get it. Takes them four
days to get that food back to me, and I
feel for today, But I don't think the anger should
be at me for resting. No, but you're the one that,
like could volunteer to go for me on your time off. Okay,
And then so that's why I went a resentment, So
let's talk about it. What talk about that? Yeah, that
(14:21):
I should be your gopher on my day off. That
you need food too, and so maybe it would be
like a nice gesture as a friend to be like, hey,
you need this thing. I'm I could go do it.
I didn't need food and I told you that, Okay, Okay,
I don't want to. Why don't you guys just make
a schedule and just like once a week he doesn't
(14:41):
because he'll he'll get mad at me that I'm making
him go to the store. I just I just want
someone in my life who's like, wow, Nikki's got a
lot going on. That would be such a nice I
think my love language is active service. I just realized
yesterday my drive. I need someone in my life, and
Andrew's not my boyfriend, so it's not fair to put
him in that position. But I need for my boyfriend.
(15:02):
I need someone to be like, Wow, she's got a
lot going on. I'm gonna just go get her groceries
because I know that's something she has to go do.
And it was great to have that car ride by myself.
But I didn't need to be in the car for
two hours by myself. I didn't need that much time
to myself, you know what I'm saying. And I was
(15:22):
just like, I just I was. I was having a
little like pity party for myself yesterday because I was
just like, and I was listening to I did listen
to Britney Spears Lucky because I'm like, she's so lucky,
she's a star, but she cry cry cries in her
lonely heart, thinking is there something missing in my life? Yeah,
someone to go get my fucking groceries. And it isn't.
(15:43):
And I like, but I did let go of the
resentment to you. I really did. I like process it,
I felt it, and I was like, this isn't his fault,
this isn't the show's fault for not going finding someone
for me to have an assistant. It's my fault for
not hiring someone to do that. I'm not mad. I
just like I just think there's a disc nect with
us that like maybe should be talked off off there
(16:03):
before we get on here so then people have to
hear it. But other than that, like I woke up
today like feeling so appreciative of you. I felt like
I wanted to hug you without touching you, because I
know you hate when I touch you, and I wanted to,
like I wanted to literally have like a whorrab moment
of like I do appreciate you. I do appreciate being here.
(16:27):
I do appreciate what I learned from you. I do
appreciate how much you care about me. I do appreciate
what you do for me. I wanted to hug you.
I I you know, I wanted to say, you know,
let's approach this like where we're going on someone else's show.
Let's let's have a great show, let's have a whole rebirth.
I didn't. I'm not and I'm not saying that you
(16:48):
don't feel that way. I'm just saying like that's how
I woke up. So then to now like hear this,
it's like it is what it is like I just think, like,
well always, I'm just saying Andrew that rarely in our
little disagreements do I get to raise my concerns. It's usually,
and you have many. But you felt good yesterday, But
that doesn't mean that I felt good. Sure, so I'm
(17:10):
I didn't feel great. I didn't feel great, and I
got to that like I have a lot of resentments too,
but like sure, like you know, I was I overthink.
I think we wanting to hug me this morning. Man,
just want not defensively. You don't need to answer defensively.
Just I'm really asking you, like, what'd you do? I
just think, like, one, I got rest, and I'm sorry
(17:31):
you didn't get as much rest as you wanted. Now
the night before you you could have probably gotten more
rest if you decide to get rest now. To put
that on me is kind of messed up. I think
I didn't put it on you a little bit. A
little bit. You say that you work store at three
in the morning, No but you, But but you could
(17:51):
go to bed at ten at night or eleven at night.
The other night you've been saying that I've been unrested,
and that has nothing to do with me, okay, that
has everything to do with your own decisions. Now. I
think that when when you are going through something annoying,
like working too much or whatever, then you look at
(18:12):
me and my life and then you go, well, this
motherfucker doesn't work as hard as me. He's sleeping on
the couch while I'm getting the goddamn grocery, and it
like all gets towards me, yes, instead of pointing towards
you or towards the position you put yourself in without
me involvesly nothing but positive for you. I swear to God.
(18:35):
And if it comes off like negative at all and
I get frustrated it, you know, I I apologize, and
I swear to you. I just want what's best for you,
and I want to be good for you. You're right,
You're right, and it's not. Yes, I need a I
need an assistant or a boyfriend who is good at
acts of service. Noah, do you agree? But that's not
(18:56):
where I think that, that's that's not But also I
and I, but because when I hear that, when I
hear that, I hear Andrew, you're not good enough. You're
not my boyfriend, and you're not my assistant. I hear
there are millions and millions of people who are rooming
with each other, or you know people in relationships who
(19:16):
understand that moved in together, who understand this. I've gone
through this. I don't may have to ask you to
wash the dishes, John, I want you to want to
wash the dishes for me, because you know that it's
something I don't want to do. How many times have
a wive said that to husbands right and then? And
I've brought that up in therapy, and it's really incumbent
on me to either ask for help, to have a
(19:41):
productive conversation about it, or to just be like, well,
if this is what I need to do right now
is clean, then that's what I'm doing for me, and
I just have to take ownership of it and not
bring anybody else into this. And that's what I was
trying to get at, was like I did work through
those and I did realize all the stuff that we're
concluding right now, I concluded yesterday. But it's just hard
(20:04):
to let go of these things sometimes. And I even
did a meditation about how to. I downloaded this book
called letting Go, and it's about feeling your feelings and
how to feel feelings and like how to process resentments, anger, happiness, fear, sadness,
and like breathe and like focus on them and then
you process the feeling and then it lets go. And
(20:25):
I couldn't even do that, Like, I don't even They
are like, feel you're feeling where it is in your body,
and I'm just like, it's no, I don't feel I've
been to so many therapists who are like, Okay, this
feeling you're feeling right now, where is it in your body?
I'm like my eyes, I don't know. I don't feel
it anywhere. Unfortunately, for Andrew, this takes time. You can't
just have that automatic switch go off just because you
(20:48):
read a book. It takes work and it takes time.
That's the hardest part about it. But you're the kind
of person who does the hard work, and I think
having these conversations, even if it's on air, are going
to help both of you. And the same goes for Andrew.
I mean, look, I have fears when I hear like
when I hear you don't do this for me, you
don't do that. All I'm all I think about is
(21:10):
like okay, And it goes back to my deepest and
security yesterday that I'm not enough for you, and that
then I'm replaceable, and that like me being on the
podcast or me doing like creative things with you will
go away because I'm not doing more assistance. Let's go
for work so that I live with that fear. Well,
(21:33):
this is probably why they invented. Once you guys get
back to Saint Louis, you can do a delivery service
and I can help you with that. Very This is
all kind of uh, this is all coming up because
the grocery store is forty five minutes. There is one close,
but it doesn't have the things. There's one right across
(21:55):
the street, but it just doesn't have it. And I
can't believe you don't need food. What the what kind
of food do you have here that you are able
to make a meal of with that? Because just I
really want what wondered? I sent you a voice memoi. Yes,
and I really had let go of it by then
because I set you a voice memo being like, there's
(22:15):
no resentment in this at the store. Can I please
get you something that you need? Please think in the future,
don't think about tonight because Andrew just goes I'm already full.
I don't need any food. That's the way Andrew thinks
is like I go into the grocery. He doesn't think
about the week ahead. He's just like, right now, I
just ate. I don't need food. It's like I don't
understand that mindset of not like planning for the future.
(22:37):
It's insane. I don't know how this, but but that's me.
That's my mindset. Like so much. What are you going
to eat for on our day off tomorrow when we
have to make our own meals? Probably to flowers to
someone got up first. Oh boy, we got some good stories.
(23:03):
I hope everyone's having fun out there. And yeah, all
having your swells. Uh. I forgot to say swells yesterday
and I really regretted it, so swells it up? How
did that start? I just I think I shortened swell
time swells. Yeah, it's good. It's like a surfer lingo. Yeah.
It's like, what about the what about? What did what'd
(23:29):
you say? When we went skiing fresh Po Paladin? God,
I miss skiing with you, just going down the mountain,
you going down the mountain without me and me falling
twelve times? That is the news. Someone wrote about it.
US Weekly wrote about our trip a year ago. It's
(23:50):
pretty incredible glasses, Uh, with Snapchat effects into lenses and
a selfie drone could becoming your way. So Snapchat is
making or I think they're trying to do, you know,
Google glass, every one will look like you can do
filters on everyone. You see. You literally can do filters
in real life. That this isn't enough for you. This
(24:11):
beautiful palm tree, You gotta make it a little bit
more crisp. Oh not, but I'm thinking faces. No, look, yeah,
it's an altered version of reality. Whoa creepy? I mean
this is where we're headed. I mean I saw this
thing yesterday where cows are uses. No, they're actually wearing VR. No,
(24:36):
what's not VR but virtual reality? Yeah? V those Oculus goggles. Yeah,
Oculus things to simulate a green pasture. So it makes
the cow more relaxed, and it makes it produce more
milk and better beef in it. And so cows are
literally wearing VR stuff and it makes their makes them,
(24:58):
you know, whatever it is they're doing, it makes them better.
And it's like we can't just give them that. We
have to like because their lives are such hell. We
now have to put goggles on them so that they
are It's like chicken, now our our free range, but
only in the VR. We're like, they're like, it's a
free range virtual reality. Just don't don't walk four inches ahead,
(25:19):
stay in this little bubble and you can have the whole. Yeah,
that actually sounds kind of nice. Like if we're in
Saint Louis and the winter, you throw on some vrs
and next thing I know, I'm on the beach with
some girl with huge tits and a tan. I did
a VR porn ones like on my show Not Safe.
It never aired, but they made me a porn where
it was specified to like, we hired a company to
make a porn for me where it was hot dudes
(25:40):
feeding me fro you while a girl went down on me.
I don't know why. That was god and made me squirt.
And then I looked down and I the girl that
was me was squirting. Was it your leg No, it
was a girl that like, they tried to get a
girl that was as much my legs as me as possible.
Did you get to pick her out? No? It was
all it was supposed to be all. It was all
surprised and so was all shot without my knowledge, and
(26:01):
then I sit down and do it, and then there's
a whole crew of people from my show watching me,
like legit gotta get a rouse. I mean it was
like I had never had a girl go down on me,
so I was getting to do that. I was getting
to I had never scored at that point in my life,
got to do that, never had a bunch of guys
in tuxedos feed me for you while I'm getting run
down on it. I mean it was, Oh my god,
(26:21):
that heaven. It never aired because our show got canceled
before because we weren't get that footage. You No, I've
tried to get so much footage. I also did a
blowjob class with my mom that is fucking hilarious, hosted
by Emily Morse. It would be different now that podcast
that I love. She was I didn't even know that
she was. I kind of knew of her, but she
(26:43):
taught my mom and I how to do blow jobs.
And what I learned, lube is your friend. Lube. Use
lube for blow jobs. Use lube even if you're already wet.
Just use lube. Don't ever be scared of using lube.
You sound like a car repair man. Yeah, I'm just
go into loupe. Now I can't even stand it, Like, yeah,
(27:04):
no matter what did you do? Yeah? I got a
w D forty it wait wait wait, so can we?
First of all, I won't be froyo, it'd be humus.
Now you'd be completely different. I'm not I'm not in
I don't eat sugar anymore. But what did you have
an orgasm? No? On camera? No way, no way, no way.
You know me, I can't even I probably have an
(27:25):
orgasm three out of four times I masturbate and I'm
trying for it. Four. Wow, that's gotta be so watching.
I can't imagine if I jerked every time I jerked
off seventy five percent of the time I was not coming.
I would just stop. I would just not enjoy the process.
Someone recently was like, you love the deprivation. You love
(27:47):
like not being able to? Is not that? Like I
don't feel sometimes it just like goes away. It's like elusive.
I thought you had zolof dick and you can't come
sometimes with a woman. But when I jerk off, what's
up feeling? I can come with the woman? Is it frustra?
Do you have the blueballs and the anxiety, like is
it there's something? And I know this is going to
sound like I'm like selfless, but as long as she's
(28:09):
enjoying it, I get enjoyment out of that where I
don't feel like I need to come, but if it
was just me created when I can't come for sure,
But it's not like something I can't go to sleep too.
It's literally like it's like it's like it just kind
of dissolves, like that the idea of an orgasm dissolves,
and I don't even want it anymore because I've just
and I've spent so long that I'm like numb down
(28:30):
there almost. What's the longest you think you've ever masturbaby
Soup to nuts? An hour and a half, that's and
that was probably three weeks ago. Yeah, an hour and
a half. You can we go through this hour and
a half because I can't. I can't assume that it
was just vibrated right away. Do you start with the
hand and work? I mean an hour and I start
(28:51):
with the long that's a comedy special on a hand,
start with the wand over the comforter like on around
that air. Yeah, and then as I'm browsing porn just
to get me worked up. Then that was really about
not being able to find the right porn okay, and
searching so like generally it takes me like fifteen twenty
(29:14):
minutes to locate a clip. That day, I just couldn't
find one that got it, and it was probably because
I just was just not I could my body wasn't
able to do it. But then like, yes, last night
I masturbated and it took me probably thirty five minutes,
which is a rather short session. So let's go through
and a half. Okay, just remember we only have twenty
minutes for the news. Yeah, I'm sorry, Well that's not
(29:36):
even a long enough for news, let alone time I couldn't.
I love how Andrew like every time we talk about
you masturbating or like your boobs or something, he just
gets like like a little boy and starts asking all
these excited questions. It is interesting, but yeah, it's it's
it's most of the time it's just searching clips and
looking for the perfect one because I get really picky.
It's like when you're looking for a Netflix movie and
(29:57):
you never even land on a movie because you're just
you can't stop looking. Yeah, so you just search the
whole time because you find something good enough and you're like,
but there's probably something better. And a lot of times,
let me just final statement on this, A lot of
times when I do find a clip that I like
and I'm ready to like finally have an orgasm, I
go like, but there could be a better orgasm with
a better clip, and so I keep looking. It's like tender,
(30:18):
you know, you never want to settle on someone because
there could be a better person just you know, on
the next st app But what amazes me, and this
is why I get like perked up when I hear
an hour and a half is that you for play
yourself like a guy. We never like feel our dick
on top of our short but you know what I mean,
Like we don't like like like get it going and
(30:41):
then like we just get right to the meat. No,
I know. And that's why I to just like take
your time, all right. Next story that took an hour
and a half. Let us and snap glasses. One game
I did. Uh study finds that strength training your tongue
could grow it a little bit, a little bit an inch.
(31:03):
We read. I found this weird stat on Twitter and
it's real. If you want a longer tongue, by it
by a longer tongue. Let me see WHOA you have
a you have a long tongue? Yeah, I want it.
I wanted an inch longer. I'll have to do us
pull on it thirty times a day for a week,
for four weeks, five days a week, thirty times a day.
(31:24):
You get a color on it. You got to get gauze,
so it has. You can stretch your own tongue by
an inch. An inch for a leg would be a lot.
Let a load a tongue a tongue. An inch is
a tongue. You guys, this is wild and girls, do
you get typically prove it? Okay? I have a philosophical
question for you guys though, sure, because you seem very
(31:46):
into the extra inch. But if your mouth is only
a certain length, then you'd have to like either stuff
it behind your teeth or like walk around with it
hanging out. I mean, like your tongue is already probably
longer than you're Oh, actually, when I make it loose,
it still stays in my mouth. You're right, I don't know.
I think I think it stays in We have we
(32:06):
have someone on set, who was a splitting their tongue?
Who did like the she's the coolest check she's she's
my sun engineer. Yeah, she puts on my microphone every
day and she has up you know, splitting her tongue
and she could do likes her tongue like for good luck.
It's pretty cool. I think that you would get used
to it. It's kind of like if you had a
(32:27):
long penis and short shorts like in mesh like tight shorts,
you don't you wouldn't or you don't think about your
dick being held in huh, you'd be like one of
those cute dogs on Instagram. Then have the tongue to
I'd have so many likes you. I sent this yesterday
to you and you were like doing it and I go,
why would you want a longer tongue? And you were
like because it helps with what what'd you say, Oh, dysphasia,
(32:50):
which is a fear of choking or that Andrew has
so when I used to have it. I think I'm
good now at this point. But yes, I went through
a moment in my life where I drove myself to
urgent care thinking I was choking to death, and I
drove twenty minutes. Wow, got there and you said I'm
(33:10):
choking to death to the woman that was doing intake. Yeah,
and she said how long is your tongue? And I
She's like, you got to pull on that thing. Let
me see how you have a decent size tongue. That's
not a short tongue. No, but yeah, but since that moment,
I got an x ray. They said nothing was in
my throat. The the doctor said their symptoms usually choking
(33:31):
like I was going crazy. I was having a panic
attack and h and I stem from did you choke
as a child? No, I don't think so. Uh, except no,
I don't think I did. I just I just I
think it's so funny that it takes an hour and
a half for you to choke to death, to choke
the chicken. Beat itism for choking off choking the chicken. Yeah,
(33:56):
I'm thinking about pulling on my dick five times a
day and get it up to four inches. If that worked,
that study would be out there. This one, this one
is legit. It's it's I saw it on Twitter and
it only has twelve likes. This this tweet, this guy
who's like, hey, for those of you who care. I
don't know how I saw it was some random guy
follow retweeted his friend that only has like a couple followers.
(34:16):
But it's a real thing that works. I mean, look,
I don't under see you out there have a small,
a short tongue and you're insecure about it. You can
get an inch length in five weeks by sting by
pulling out your tongue with gauze thirty times a day,
just doing long poles and for five weeks, five five
days a week, and you'll have an inch longer tongue.
That is insane. You'd be like you'd be able to
(34:37):
get insects in the air. But you were saying, do
girls like long tongues because sometimes guys on you see
a lot of guys on TikTok like showing off how
their tongues are like. And yeah, when you're getting unnelingus,
a tongue is interesting. Like a tongue that knows what
it's doing can be good. And if you're a girl
that likes a tongue like inside you, I guess it
could be like deeper inside you. But I think the
key to going a kunnelingus it's just I just signed
(35:01):
when a guy tries to be sexual by putting his
tongue even a little bit out of his mouth, like
LLL cool J was known for licking the lip gross,
like you're trying to be gross. You're like, does that
turn Yeah, that's nothing, but certain girls. I mean, you know,
if a girl is going it would probably turn on
a guy a little bit sometimes. Wait, yeah, I think
(35:23):
the tongue just tells a girl that that guy likes
to eat pussy. Okay, so why do we care? Why
do I care? Okay? Why do I care? What is this? Angelina? Oh,
have been going through a costly and bitter divorce since
twoy sixteen. Right, They've each spent well over one million
dollars in legal costs because Angelina wants full custody and
(35:46):
Brad just wants fifty fifty. They have six kids. Why
can't she give him half? What do you think it is?
Do you think he cheated on her? Probably? Then, I
don't know. I mean I assume that it probably has
something to do with that. They're both people that got
together from a cheating incident. But were you mad at
(36:09):
Angelina Jolie because you're such a Aniston head? No, I honestly, wasn't.
I think maybe I was a little bit like I
was probably mad at Brad, but I don't. I just
don't see how people don't cheat when they're making a
movie where they're playing lovers and they're both sexy people
like I Just if I ever dated an actor who
(36:30):
was on set romantically with a woman, I'd say, but bye,
yeah it was especially you're going to Paris to shoot
a movie with fucking Sale or Mara whatever. I'll see
you when you get back. You will be in love
with her, and you'll fucking hate me, but we'll get
through it or we won't. But like, I'm not going
(36:50):
to pretend you won't fall in love with this person.
I just and good luck on Dancing with the Stars.
I'll see you in a month when you get eliminated.
But you will be in love with your partner, and
that's not for me. I wasn't in love with my partner,
but you will be in love. A man will be
in love with your female partner. If you go on
Dancing with the Stars, you will and he'll be like, no,
but I put a sock over my cock. Yeah no,
it's complete, like nothing, there's nothing I mean, I'm hard
(37:13):
this this divorce. That's insane that it's you know when
women unless bread is like abusive to the kids. Is
there such thing as fourth custody? Can you give a
guy a fourth of it custody? Like none? That's crazy
they have. I think that's the I think that's the
problem with children with divorce is that if you don't
go hard in the paint, then you can't settle. It's
(37:34):
like parents fight, for dude, My parents fought. My parents
were divorced. My dad had an affair. My mom, I
guess didn't blow him enough. I don't really know what happened,
but uh, that's that's why cheating happens. Yeah, also cheating
have a long tongue. But I think like they they
(37:55):
it went on for years. They're trying to get bull
I think not they settled on. My dad only had
Wednesday and every other weekend, which you know, uh, you
know where I get my food thing from. I just
thought about this where I don't care about having food.
My dad we'd go there and he would have a
(38:17):
half a pizza and like a half a diet pepsi
for us, like he never but he was working more.
But whatever he might have learned from that and been like, Oh,
i don't want scarcity in my life, so I'm going
to plan ahead instead. You get a full pizza. Yeah no,
But anyways, my dad and my mom had had vicious
courtroom fights where it was all ego and even when
(38:39):
like you finally get the kids to cut to get over,
it had nothing to do with your dad. I don't
even want the kids. You just want to win. And
by the way, cheating does not. A guy who cheats
doesn't mean he's gonna beat the kids, like or cheat
on the kids, Like what does that mean? Like he
can't have full because he can't have half because he
cheated on me. That has nothing to do with being
a father. I mean, it's it's not that the character
(39:00):
of someone who cheats wouldn't be a bad character, and
then it would spill into being a bad dad. But
that's not reason enough to not like, is he gonna
he might start playing with other kids while my kids
are there? Can I in for a sec because I
have I have a similar experience that Andrew has, like
with with my parents, except at an older age. And
what I realized from divorce is that it's a it's
(39:24):
a big industry and there's a lot of money to
be made off of people's pain, so I think. But
there are some other bad players in all this, Yes,
kind of like weddings. Yeah, well that's the thing. Your
parents get separated. Let's say my parents were separate when
I was twelve or thirteen, the court fight, like they
(39:45):
weren't fully divorced for years, like, so it had nothing
to do with when they when your dad actually leaves
the house. So wild to me that people can love
each other so much and then literally hate each other
more than anyone else on the planet and try to
take your children from the per person. I mean, it's
just it's it's just it's just wild human behavior. Also
in regards to money, like Angelina is not going to
(40:07):
have another twenty million dollar picture, you know what I mean,
Brad might still be able to you know, like they're
getting less and less work. She just sold a painting
by Winston Churchill that Brad gave her, is believed to
have gifted her for like eleven million dollars. She literally
has another eleven million dollar picture. Yeah, it's a painting picture.
(40:29):
She doesn't have a as you said, picture, the way
you say, picture is picture, So no, she doesn't have
a picture of ice tea worth fifty million dollars. If
Brad drank from it, it would be some some horny
little housewife would pay for that. I mean, Brad, all right,
it's only getting hotter. I know it's it's that's the
way the world works, all right. We gotta get to
(40:54):
collection of kids, kids getting ready for a good so good. Yes,
those are all my best friends from my school saying
the catchphrase that we coined in high school called k Now.
If you're a new listener to the show, you might
(41:15):
not know what CU is. I haven't set it up
on this show tech totally, but in my past podcast
I've really gone over what because I'm trying to spread it.
It's just a perfect way to describe someone who is
doing something to appear to others as cool that they
don't need to do. They're putting an effort to look,
(41:37):
which we all do. But this is this is like
you're doing a thing that is just like you. Just
It's a perfect response to like someone who revs the
peels out of a grocery store, or someone who I
don't know, like like oh, a guy on the subway,
who's like rapping to himself loudly or like something so
(41:58):
that he's doing this so that other people are like, man,
he's really cool, but instead he's care. It's just it's
an incredulous, disgusted, disgusted way of saying you're cool, like
care and you do a peace sign when you do it,
and you're like care literally whatever I do. Anything that
someone is doing something that makes them seem collects a
(42:21):
group of guys is like shouting and being loud because
they're trying to get attention from girls. I always go
a perfect guy would be on a speaker phone doing business. Yeah,
it's we got to get it at you guys. Use it.
It's so cathartic to release. Now. In this segment, will
(42:42):
be taking submissions for kuz. If you have any you
can always dm us Nikki Glazer pod on Instagram. Thank
you for everyone who's following that account. You can also
write into the show at the Nikki Glazer Podcast at
Gmail and we will have your collections of Kuz and
and you'll get a better feel for what as are
as we go and when you encounter them in real life.
I'd love you to send them our way. We all
(43:04):
can be cud. I've been very I've been cud myself before,
where you're just you know. The other day, I was
driving into set and I was blasting like a song
that I wanted people to think, like, oh, she's not cool,
but like wow, like where we think a thing about
Nikki because she's blasting that song like it chose a
song so that I think it was some Taylor Swift
(43:27):
ship because I just wanted like people to be like
I like, I like, I want to make friends that
like like Taylor Swift. I want to like. So I
don't know if that's cud, because I obviously Taylor Swift
isn't cool. No one's gonna be like she's cool, but
I wanted to, like wanted people to hear it so
that they would comment to me and I could make friends. So, uh, noah,
you have a great example of a kid. Yes, and
(43:48):
I'd love for you to share it with our listeners.
So I had an ex boyfriend who uh like zooped
up his car and he had words soup is already
but that's what he used to say about it. So
I'm using his language. All right, it's already Ki, Yeah,
and he like made his suber ru like he has
(44:10):
a super Ru that he zooped up. He's zuber rude. Yes,
And he used to rev his engine whenever he would
get angry or if we would argue in the car,
he would speed to show how angry he was. So
guys who use their car as a means of describing
their anger are my kids for the weekend. Any guy
(44:34):
who like flores it or peels out, or like if
you're driving in a car with a guy and he
makes you feel unsafe because he's like met like road raging,
or he's trying to like show off. You are such
a kid piece of shit, And I hope that we
do get in a car accident and it only takes
you out and I walk away maybe a scratch on
(44:59):
my wrist to remember. You know, what's the best day
of my life. When one of these cars, like no
I was talking about, has like one hundred and eighty horsepower,
which is not a lot at all, and you changed
a muffler to make it sound like you have three
hundred and fifty horsepower, It's like, could you can't afford
an actual sports car? You can't. Yeah, he is so
(45:19):
k and like if he There was a guy in
high school this was the origin of k Like one
of the earliest kids, My friend Huffy dated this guy
named Mark and he had an automatic car, but he
would shift between neutral and drive to make it seem though,
to make it feel like he was driving a stick
Say it with me. Now, you know what's when a
(45:43):
guy adds a spoiler to a shitty car and it's
like five feet high, so you know that bitch is flying.
Oh my god, that is I mean, like anyone that's
just like even let's let's not do this all about guy.
If a girl all like even comments that like oh yeah.
I was like, I'm trying to think of like how
(46:05):
a girl would might be kid if she's just like
can girls be kid? Yea? If they just if they're
trying to be like I like, wait, hold on, I'm
trying to think of an example of a kid. Okay,
I I think I might have one. Okay, please someone Okay,
but go you first, you're the oh no, you You
(46:26):
maybe someone who posts of like a flashback photo bragging
about like how cool they were in their younger years. Yeah,
showing that off. Yes, if you know that in a
post like a Flashback Friday or TBT that you look
like hot and like you're clearly showing that you were,
(46:48):
and you're making fun of yourself. But it's also like
you also look hot and like everyone who lived during
that time knows that that person like looked actually cool,
your cat and if you look like such a trying
to be vulnerable but like being like, oh my god,
I'm so embarrassed, but you know you look at you're
so fucking k we see right through you, Like if
(47:08):
the color my prom queen dress girls submitted a KA
one time that to my old podcast that was fantastic.
So this is a prime example. And everyone's guilty of
this kind of stuff. By the way, I'm guilty of
being Andrew Is. We could all be kept. But this,
I bet so many of you are guilty of this.
If you on Facebook, someone makes an announcement right of
(47:29):
like we're pregnant, right and you comment underneath it, I'm
so glad you're finally telling people I was dying. I
couldn't get the secret. You are telling everyone else that
sees your comment that I'm closer friends with this girl
than you are. Ye. The only reason you're commenting that
is because you want people to know, Like that's the
definition of if you're doing something so that the main
(47:51):
reason is people thinking you are better than them, then
you are And it is not a humble brag. It
can be humble brags, which is coined by my late
friend Harris Whittles, because can be just straight up brags.
But most of the time because are you know, ensconced
in this like faue sincerity or just like this like accidental,
(48:16):
like I didn't even mean to do that? Yeah, can ye?
Can't you tell people how to spell ki okay? So
when they write it's not perfect like in terms of it.
Really it's like there's a brand, actually a clothing called
kul and it's k u h L and I think
that's probably phonetically how it should be spelled, But in
high school, for some reason, we thought it was ceo
(48:39):
apostrophe uhl kul And that's just how it's spelled to
us my friends from high school. Shout out to Kirsten
Halla and Taylor who did the voiceover for the intro.
But please send in your cuz it's called collection of
cuz we'll be doing it up at least monthly. And
I can't read to read your specific cause that you
witness in your life or maybe you've done yourself, So
(49:01):
send those into uh the Nicki Glazer Podcast at gmail
dot com. Final thought for the show, Andrew, I want
to announce what we're calling our listeners. Is it going
to be kit? It's not kid at all because it's
very sincere and it's something that I was reluctant to
do because it, to me didn't sound special enough. No,
(49:24):
you already know it. What are you doing? No, that
was kid because you were giving me We were making
listeners think we were doing something organic, but it wasn't.
That was definitely kid. That was kis. No, you're you're you're.
If we were to lie and pretend like we didn't
know and then I enter, then it would be kitt.
You know what's the opposite of ki honesty? So honestly,
(49:47):
we've already take a conversation. We got the suggestion from Noah.
Thank you so much, Noah. We got a lot of
suggestions for names. People are like glaze heads, glazer beams, swells,
uh donuts, nick clicks, nick wits donuts for like glazed donuts.
Thank you so much. To Matt Wilson, Becky Cooper, Timothy
(50:08):
shaw Shave for sending in your suggestions. We got tons
of others, and what we're settling on is and no,
what will you explain the reasoning behind this? Because I'm
sometimes these shows fly by and I don't even know
where the inside jokes started? Can you? Can you tell
me what it is and then where the origin? I
think the best name for our listeners would be best friends. Okay,
(50:34):
tell me why, because you've talked about in a previous
episode about how you have friends all over and you
have a lot of best friends, and the people who
listen to this show are going to get to know
you on a best friend level. Yes, it's perfect. So
when you are at a show of ours and you
(50:56):
meet and greet and you want to tell me that
you're listening to the podcast, you can be like, I'm
a best friend. We can if you write into the show,
you can now call if you are listening to this
show right now, you are a best friend because you
are in a conversation with three people who are talking
to each other like best friends. I talk to my
listeners like best friends, and I really am giving a
part of myself on this podcast that I wouldn't really
(51:18):
give to any other medium that I make entertainment. And
and I just feel closer to the people listening to
this podcast than literally anyone who listens to my stand
up and not because it's just you know, because it's
more casual and I'm here with people that make me
feel that comfortable. And I believe you two also conduct
yourselves on this podcast like you would with your best friends. Yeah.
(51:40):
I feel like, if anything, we're probably more upfront than
I am with even my best friends from high school,
who I would just you know, maybe slap their dick
and be like, I get actually anxious when my actual
friends say they listen to this podcast because I'm like,
I'm too vulnerable. I haven't told you guys these things yet,
and I'd rather my listeners know them and not you.
(52:01):
So truly, you guys are like your your best friends,
and and that's what we're going to call you. And
I hope you like it. And Noah, thank you so
much for the suggestion. I love it, and it just
it's moms my heart. I'm not only the producer of
this show, I'm also a listener, so that's a good point. Also,
a client yeah, what do you mean. It's like, I'm
(52:24):
not only uh, the owner of hair club prom but yes, yeah, yeah,
yeah's he like, I mean, look, that's putting your money
where your mouth is. I guess that guy would. Yeah,
Para Silton too with her own perfume, like none of these.
Last night I saw an ad for and Jennifer Ranson
has his new ad that's very triggering for Vital Proteins,
(52:45):
which is this kind of you know, different vitamins and
it triggering to you, yeah, because she's just like perfect
in it and doing all these yoga poses and it's
just like focusing on different parts of her body and
it's pretty much like, if you drink this stuff, you
will will be inspired to work out as much as
innocent you will be. You will look like her, you
will have her hair. And it's just such bullshit. And
(53:05):
I do think she does drink Vital Proteins, but most
celebrities don't really use the things they endorse because the
things they endorse are sold at like Walmart, which I'm
sure I had a great joke about her with her
skincaracter vino stuff. It's just and I think I said
other podcasts the other day. It's just like she would
never use a Veno products, Jennifer Aniston does, so let's
stop falling for the stuff. But yeah, if you were
(53:27):
selling me like baby foreskin in a cream form for
like nine hundred dollars, I would believe you, Jennifer, you
know what I mean? Like, yes, like if you were
using the blood of babies that no one else can get. Yep,
you know there's something something they're using, but you know
there is Like I'd rather them sell something that I
(53:49):
actually think that they might use than like something that's
obviously so that they don't believe in. Yeah, I mean
it happens all the time. Where my prime example was
Adam Levine had a line of women's clothing at Kmart
what and it was all advertised like Adam Levine thinks
women who dressed and this kind of clothes are cool
(54:10):
and hot. And it's like he wouldn't he'd They're like,
Adam Mlevine will fuck you if you wear these jeans
made in China by let Out. Yeah exactly, NOA Levine
not only wouldn't fuck you if you shop a Kymart,
he wouldn't. He would probably spit on you. So if
that's what you like? It was the most just is
(54:32):
that what the clothes come with his spit? I mean
that would be worth it. Do you know what I drank? Uh?
One time I drank John Mayer's backwash? What did it
taste like? Water bottle? Do you feel like? How long
did you have that water? In high school? By the way,
you guys, I went to go see John Mayer at
a very small venue. It was before it was like
(54:54):
after his first release and he wasn't a big deal.
It was at Mississippi Nights and sat me and my friends,
this isn't kase. We grabbed a water bottle from the
stage up of the show and all chugged it, like
uged it. You know. There was like, you know, a
couple steps stuff. We all took not chugged it, but
we all took a sip and then we were like,
we made out with John Mayer. And then we also
touched at that same venue, we touched Adam Dirrets. No,
(55:16):
this was a different venue. We touched Adam Dirretts. He
like grabbed our hand and so when we went home,
we took masking tape and took the fingerprints that it
had his fingers on them and we put we took
tape and like collected the fingerprints and then put them
on a postcard and we're like, that's Adam Dirt's DNA.
Oh my god, we're obsessed. And we also stole how
We Dazed Sweat Rag and we all like we cut
(55:37):
it up into like bandana strips and ate it. No,
but I used to love concerts. I love that you
always split it with your girlfriends though it was such
a probably bonding experience for you girl, Oh my god.
We were just so we were so horny for these
guys and they made music that just made us feel
like like we we all weren't like getting action and
(55:57):
like it was just you know, I was just a
fan size about like making out with these boys, and
then I would get to like get so close to
them and yeah, which you do now, which is wild
because your life has gotten to the point where you
dm with John Mayer, you speak on Dave Matthew's uh
you know, serious channel, like like it all came. Yeah,
(56:21):
the idea to that, like I'm I have John Mayer's
number or whatever is not lost on me. There's times
where I would like to tell him my drink your
backwash and stuff. But yeah, no, it's that's but I'm
still that girl. That's like, I love people who I
can get to know through their art and like have
crushes on them. And the other day some guys asked me, like,
(56:43):
who's your celebrity crush? I never even know what to say.
Now I always had an answer, and now I don't.
The world is my oyster. I'm just kidding. I can't
even get Matt James to read a DM. He read it, Yeah,
he just didn't accept it. But I look, I love
the fact that you were so in the concerts and
I think, I know you don't even recognize that person
when we get out of here. Though, when we get
(57:03):
out of maybe we'll go to two, next two in
the next ten years, who knows? I mean, who were
the really hilarious tweet yesterday from Caleb Sign and that
was like, I can't wait till COVID's over and I
can go back to seeing one concert every ten months.
Who would you see? Who was who? If you could
(57:23):
pick anyone that even now as an adult, where you
could be front row and you could get their sweat
on you be swifty, obviously it wouldn't be a guy. No, No,
because I want to go to a concert where I
know every fucking song. And that's the only person right
now who I know every goddamn song. What about you,
Tom Petty not dead alive? Right, You wouldn't do like
(57:46):
a weekend at Bernie's Tom Petty concert. Honestly, it was
pretty much the last show I saw. It was close
to that, yeah, because it was a month before he
passed away. Shadow Petty and the heartbreak is it great?
It it is za for me. I know you know
every you don't even realize you know every word to
all his songs and you can sing every word and
(58:07):
everyone's so together, and it's just I fucking I love
Tom Petty and it's very sad that he passed away.
And No, I honestly thought about Taylor Swift dying the
other day and I started almost crying. I don't know
what I'll do when I can't. Sometimes when I was
really like sad over the summer and like honestly like
suicidal at times, not like wasn't going to do anything,
(58:29):
but like was like I just want to die. The
idea that I would miss her next album and a
song that could make me feel. The things that our
songs make me feel gave me reason to keep living,
and I know that sounds crazy. Also, other things are
like season two of Love on the Spectrum. I don't
want to miss that. These are all things that, like,
I don't want to die because they might I might
miss these things. But Taylor Swift's music is honestly something
(58:50):
that like gives me reason to keep going when I
am most depressed. Isn't that so sad? And it's not
like seeing my niece grow up? All right, guys, we
gotta go. Thanks for listening today. You guys are our
best friends and we love you so much. We'll be
back tomorrow to round out the week. By No m
best friend He can't
The Nikki Glaser Podcast Tears Nikki, Yeah, what's up everyone?
How you doing out there? Noah, how you doing? Hi, Nikki,
I'm good. How are you doing. I'm good. I'm in
(00:22):
a really good mood to day. I don't know why,
no reason. Maybe I got a lot of sleep yesterday.
We'll find out. When I asked Andrew Crawlin how he
slept and then he never returns the question and I
just kind of answer it myself. So yeah, I'm in
a good mood. Right out of the gate between you
and me. I'm getting a lot of messages about you
(00:47):
never said the perfume, Nikki. You never said the name
of the perfume, Nikki, you never told us what it is,
Paris Hilton perfume from two episodes ago. That I thought
I I told you guys later on in the episode. Yeah,
I thought so too. People said I've been scouring it
and I can't find it, and drum roll please, so
(01:09):
many of you don't care. It's called electrify. Now let
me throw something else in there. If for those of
you who are just listening to this for the first time,
I'm really I'm not good about perfumes. I have always
had what I would I guess describe as I'm insecure
about my own perceptions of things, always have been. I
(01:31):
don't trust that when I like something that's good enough
to for it to be good, like an outfit or
a perfume, especially at perfume. When I like a sense,
it doesn't matter, it matters if other people like it,
because I think there's something to that because whatever you wear,
you're gonna get used to. Anyway. You could spray like
(01:54):
you know, cab driver BO on you and then you
would eventually not smell it because there is a biological
reason for that. Let me explain it really quick. The
reason that people with BO don't smell their own bio
or you get used to a smell is because being
able to smell things is a way to tell if
there's danger. And so if food is spoiled or there's
(02:17):
like some kind of I don't know, some kind of
feeme wafting into your TP when we were all in
tps at some point, so you get nose blind, shout
up for breeze to smell so that your senses can
then readjust and let in another scent that might kill you.
(02:39):
So that's why we get nose blind. It's actually the reason.
This is the one day I paid attention in a
psychology class when I went to see you Boulder. There's
so fascinating though. It's also the reason that our eyes.
If you ever look at your eyes, they're constantly twitching, right,
they're never just steady. If your eye we're just steady,
(03:01):
then you would go blind like the It wouldn't go
you wouldn't go blind, but it would create a complete
like black like you know, if you've ever fainted, you
would get that kind of vision. Because it was because
the it's a static image. You already know what it is.
It's not causing you any harm. It's fine, get it
out of the way, allow new images to come in.
(03:24):
But because we don't want to constantly have that happen,
our eyes twitched constantly to Readjust isn't that interesting? So anyway,
I don't trust my nose. I trusted this scent because
Pearis Silton. I was with her and she sprayed it
all over herself, and I go, you know what, if
it's good enough for Pears, it's damn good enough for me.
And then the other night I had two guys here
(03:47):
at the that that night I did that podcast. I
think it's two nights three nights ago at two guys
here and I go, can I just test this scent
on you? And I sprayed it and I gave it
to one and he said it's it's nice. Like he
wasn't thrilled, and I was a little bit like, Okay,
did you spray it on them or on you? No?
On my wrist? Okay, so you gave them your wrist,
(04:09):
got it? Yeah, I sprayed it on my wrist. I'm
gonna put my wrist in their face. And he was like,
it's nice, but it was like a you know, being
nice to me kind of nice. He was like, it's sweet.
It's not like a there's like a sweetness to it,
which I love. Andrew was like that's fine. And then
my friend Robin was like, oh, I hate it. That's
why I was so offended when you sprayed it on
(04:30):
me one time. And I was like what I was?
And I was she has really good taste. So I
was so every I don't know what to think anymore
about the scent, even though Paris Hilton wears it and
I think it's great because I had a friend, say,
a friend whose taste I really respect more than my
own probably say that it was bad. I was like,
(04:52):
I hate it now, and that's that's just says more
about me than the scent. And then she sprayed channel
and it was so good that even if it was poop,
I would have been like, that's good because it's Chanelle,
because I'm so like, just program wwarped. What do you?
What do you wear? Did you I wear Chloe? And
I do like ye safe. There is a Chanel one
(05:14):
that I like. It's not the standard one, but just
something very light. I think. Also, perfumes smell different on
different people based on their pheromones, yeah, and their pH
balance and yeah, all that biological stuff. Yeah, I why
don't they have sense that are like new Nikes or
(05:36):
a fresh textbook that like, you know, a glossy textbook
the inside corner like the inside. I love pushing my
nose into a crevice of a new fresh book that
goes like that, like clicks when you open it. Is
that the weirdest smell you like? Mmm? I think the
weirdest smell I like is like a boy I likes
(05:59):
like armpit or like his you know, the taint part
of his underwear. I like, I used to like inhale.
My boyfriend's like, like so gross. Trying to think of
like the weirdest smell. I don't mind a sharpie, although
I write with them a lot and sometimes I start
getting a headache because I'm like getting high from it.
(06:20):
Do you like gasoline? Yes? I remember you saying that
it's not my face. It's not something I hate, but
it's not my favorite. But a lot of people love gasoline.
Trying to think of other smells I enjoy. I love.
I don't mind a subway. It's not like I love it,
but like I know that has like a very distinct smell.
(06:41):
The store or the transportation vehicle. Oh god, the store Okay,
but I guess they're both disgusting about it. That wasn't
one that I like. I'm like, actually, like I was
just thinking people smells. People are like I hate that,
and I'm like, I don't mind it. Yeah, I just
I You know, what I love is the Guardinia smell
(07:03):
of uh, what's that cleaning product? And Assus Meyer missus Myers.
The orange kind is Like, if I'm just going off
of what I love that that I think that's geranium.
What did I say guardinia gardinia? Yeah it is geranium.
Oh shoot, did you okay? Yeah, geranium. I like that smell,
(07:25):
but I want a signature smell. I've always been paranoid
that I smell in some way, you know, like whenever
a boy or something someone tells me I smell good.
If when people get close and they're like, you smell good,
I like, I get almost nervous because I think they're
lying to me, because I think that's what they think
(07:47):
they have to say to someone who's because you know
how sometimes you like seen in mean Girls where a
girl has a bracelet on. She's like, I love your
bracelet and she actual wit and she goes, that's the
fucking ugliest bracelet I've ever seen, because I've done I
used to that when I was a liar. Like if
someone had like something ugly and I was caught staring
at it because I'm like, that's so ugly, I'd be like, oh,
I love your pants, like I because I thought they
(08:07):
caught me in my life, so I'd say the opposite.
I would never do that now, literally never. But I
think sometimes people compliment my smell because they're like, you
smell bad, and she probably knows that she smells mad,
So I'm gonna tell her she smells I don't. I don't.
I'm going to stop you right there, because I've been
around you on a daily basis. I've also worn your clothes,
clothes which you've given to me, impact in your suitcase,
(08:29):
and I know that some of them were not washed,
and I've put them on and tried them on. You
do not have a smell. Oh thanks Noah. That means
so much to me. The other day on set, I
was trying to think of an insult for me, like
a nickname. It was a joke where it was like
and I don't appreciate when people call me blah blah blah.
And I was trying to think of like funny things
about me in a relationship, like too much teeth glazer
(08:52):
or flat ass bitch or you don't like, just things
about me that would be funny but not too mean.
And the ad on the show who was standing behind
me and was just trying to contribute but like not
give things that were like we were just like it
wasn't like real things. He goes bad breath, and I
(09:16):
was so mad. I just turned around, like are use
and he's close to me a lot, so I was like,
is that he contributing based on facts? Because I and
I go, you just you just stumbled onto some, don't
I go? Is that? I don't even know what I said,
but I said listen. I had next boyfriend write a
rap song about how I had bad breath once because
(09:38):
I broke his heart, and he performed it on a
show in front of me after I thought we were
just friends and I've and and now I'm self conscious
about having bad breath, which he even assured me I
do not. The rap guy he said it was one
time after we you ate a salad that had onions
on it and we were making out and we were
like drunk, and I was like, good point, but still
(10:00):
I was very I'm always self conscious about that, and
sometimes I do have bad breath. Everyone does. Who cares? Andrew?
What do I have? Like constant? No, Andrew does not
have bad breath, Thank god. If he did, I would
tell him in a second. I would have no problem
with it. But everyone on set goes, Nikki, you don't
have My makeup artist was like, you don't have bad breath.
(10:22):
If you did, I would tell you, and I go no,
you wouldn't. That's so rude. If I had halijos, if
I had an uncurable bad breath, you wouldn't tell me.
That's like the only disease that you can have in
a doctor wouldn't even tell you because it's rude. So
I rest my case, all right, bringing in Andrew, Uh,
stay there and he'll be He'll be right here. I'm
(10:43):
sure he's waiting on the stairs like an eager child
waiting for Christmas morning. Andrew. All right, andrewll welcome to
our show. Good morning. I just leap. I've slept good.
I slept good. I mean I slept a lot the
last day and a half, and I feel like a
(11:05):
new man. I can't believe how much you slept yesterday.
It was the best I needed it, you know, I was. Yeah,
it's amazing what it can do. I feel completely refreshed.
I feel like we had a nice talk yesterday. I
feel like I'm very appreciative of you. Don't well you
none of you know. But we had a huge fight
(11:26):
on the show, but it didn't record, Like, by the
grace of God or Noah just lying to us and saying, hey,
I didn't record. Can you guys redo it because that's
gonna make us lose listeners. So we had like a
blowout fight that was all, you know, started because we
both had to list each other's insecurities. Then we had
(11:50):
to Then we had a huge fight and then and
then I go to bed and then we kind of
made it. We did make up in it for sure.
And then I was like, I'm going to bed in
the nose like it didn't record, can you come back?
So we did. The final thought yesterday was like a
d It was after the fact, but thank god because
we got that whole thing out of the way and
(12:11):
we'll we'll do for another one about a month. Yeah. Yeah,
I look, the more I think about it, we spend
more time with each other than than a married couple. Yeah.
So the fact that we wouldn't have blow ups we're
not human, that we would just be complete sociopaths. Yeah, yes,
that's true. I think. Yes, I'm glad you feel better
(12:32):
after the thing yesterday. I didn't really I was. I was.
I had to work through some resentments yesterday on my
own time towards me. Yeah. H when you're driving, did
the grocery store what it did? Were you listening What
were you listening to? Well, I was listening to Taylor Swift,
but I was I wasn't and the music wouldn't take
(12:54):
me out of it. I wasn't trying to like get
it out through Taylor Swift, which is what it usually do.
I was like, STU can traffic. I was just resentful
yesterday of not even you, of having to go get
my own groceries, which is forty five minutes away, and
I was stuck in traffic on my day off when
I would have liked to be like on a walk
or running or going to a meeting which would be
(13:16):
helpful for my life or whatever. I was just like,
why can't I just need a need someone in my
life to do these things for me? Because I am
working full time, I'm working four jobs in terms of
having to write stand up, I'm doing Conan next week.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I am working
(13:37):
this job, I do this podcast, which you know doesn't
take that much, and I'm just like, it's not even you.
It's just like I need an assistant. I guess yeah,
I mean yeah, I mean we're sleeping all day. And
so it did kind of but I made No, it isn't.
I need food, but you you have a thing where
(13:59):
you can ask them to get it. Takes them four
days to get that food back to me, and I
feel for today, But I don't think the anger should
be at me for resting. No, but you're the one that,
like could volunteer to go for me on your time off. Okay,
And then so that's why I went a resentment, So
let's talk about it. What talk about that? Yeah, that
(14:21):
I should be your gopher on my day off. That
you need food too, and so maybe it would be
like a nice gesture as a friend to be like, hey,
you need this thing. I'm I could go do it.
I didn't need food and I told you that, Okay, Okay,
I don't want to. Why don't you guys just make
a schedule and just like once a week he doesn't
(14:41):
because he'll he'll get mad at me that I'm making
him go to the store. I just I just want
someone in my life who's like, wow, Nikki's got a
lot going on. That would be such a nice I
think my love language is active service. I just realized
yesterday my drive. I need someone in my life, and
Andrew's not my boyfriend, so it's not fair to put
him in that position. But I need for my boyfriend.
(15:02):
I need someone to be like, Wow, she's got a
lot going on. I'm gonna just go get her groceries
because I know that's something she has to go do.
And it was great to have that car ride by myself.
But I didn't need to be in the car for
two hours by myself. I didn't need that much time
to myself, you know what I'm saying. And I was
(15:22):
just like, I just I was. I was having a
little like pity party for myself yesterday because I was
just like, and I was listening to I did listen
to Britney Spears Lucky because I'm like, she's so lucky,
she's a star, but she cry cry cries in her
lonely heart, thinking is there something missing in my life? Yeah,
someone to go get my fucking groceries. And it isn't.
(15:43):
And I like, but I did let go of the
resentment to you. I really did. I like process it,
I felt it, and I was like, this isn't his fault,
this isn't the show's fault for not going finding someone
for me to have an assistant. It's my fault for
not hiring someone to do that. I'm not mad. I
just like I just think there's a disc nect with
us that like maybe should be talked off off there
(16:03):
before we get on here so then people have to
hear it. But other than that, like I woke up
today like feeling so appreciative of you. I felt like
I wanted to hug you without touching you, because I
know you hate when I touch you, and I wanted to,
like I wanted to literally have like a whorrab moment
of like I do appreciate you. I do appreciate being here.
(16:27):
I do appreciate what I learned from you. I do
appreciate how much you care about me. I do appreciate
what you do for me. I wanted to hug you.
I I you know, I wanted to say, you know,
let's approach this like where we're going on someone else's show.
Let's let's have a great show, let's have a whole rebirth.
I didn't. I'm not and I'm not saying that you
(16:48):
don't feel that way. I'm just saying like that's how
I woke up. So then to now like hear this,
it's like it is what it is like I just think, like,
well always, I'm just saying Andrew that rarely in our
little disagreements do I get to raise my concerns. It's usually,
and you have many. But you felt good yesterday, But
that doesn't mean that I felt good. Sure, so I'm
(17:10):
I didn't feel great. I didn't feel great, and I
got to that like I have a lot of resentments too,
but like sure, like you know, I was I overthink.
I think we wanting to hug me this morning. Man,
just want not defensively. You don't need to answer defensively.
Just I'm really asking you, like, what'd you do? I
just think, like, one, I got rest, and I'm sorry
(17:31):
you didn't get as much rest as you wanted. Now
the night before you you could have probably gotten more
rest if you decide to get rest now. To put
that on me is kind of messed up. I think
I didn't put it on you a little bit. A
little bit. You say that you work store at three
in the morning, No but you, But but you could
(17:51):
go to bed at ten at night or eleven at night.
The other night you've been saying that I've been unrested,
and that has nothing to do with me, okay, that
has everything to do with your own decisions. Now. I
think that when when you are going through something annoying,
like working too much or whatever, then you look at
(18:12):
me and my life and then you go, well, this
motherfucker doesn't work as hard as me. He's sleeping on
the couch while I'm getting the goddamn grocery, and it
like all gets towards me, yes, instead of pointing towards
you or towards the position you put yourself in without
me involvesly nothing but positive for you. I swear to God.
(18:35):
And if it comes off like negative at all and
I get frustrated it, you know, I I apologize, and
I swear to you. I just want what's best for you,
and I want to be good for you. You're right,
You're right, and it's not. Yes, I need a I
need an assistant or a boyfriend who is good at
acts of service. Noah, do you agree? But that's not
(18:56):
where I think that, that's that's not But also I
and I, but because when I hear that, when I
hear that, I hear Andrew, you're not good enough. You're
not my boyfriend, and you're not my assistant. I hear
there are millions and millions of people who are rooming
with each other, or you know people in relationships who
(19:16):
understand that moved in together, who understand this. I've gone
through this. I don't may have to ask you to
wash the dishes, John, I want you to want to
wash the dishes for me, because you know that it's
something I don't want to do. How many times have
a wive said that to husbands right and then? And
I've brought that up in therapy, and it's really incumbent
on me to either ask for help, to have a
(19:41):
productive conversation about it, or to just be like, well,
if this is what I need to do right now
is clean, then that's what I'm doing for me, and
I just have to take ownership of it and not
bring anybody else into this. And that's what I was
trying to get at, was like I did work through
those and I did realize all the stuff that we're
concluding right now, I concluded yesterday. But it's just hard
(20:04):
to let go of these things sometimes. And I even
did a meditation about how to. I downloaded this book
called letting Go, and it's about feeling your feelings and
how to feel feelings and like how to process resentments, anger, happiness, fear, sadness,
and like breathe and like focus on them and then
you process the feeling and then it lets go. And
(20:25):
I couldn't even do that, Like, I don't even They
are like, feel you're feeling where it is in your body,
and I'm just like, it's no, I don't feel I've
been to so many therapists who are like, Okay, this
feeling you're feeling right now, where is it in your body?
I'm like my eyes, I don't know. I don't feel
it anywhere. Unfortunately, for Andrew, this takes time. You can't
just have that automatic switch go off just because you
(20:48):
read a book. It takes work and it takes time.
That's the hardest part about it. But you're the kind
of person who does the hard work, and I think
having these conversations, even if it's on air, are going
to help both of you. And the same goes for Andrew.
I mean, look, I have fears when I hear like
when I hear you don't do this for me, you
don't do that. All I'm all I think about is
(21:10):
like okay, And it goes back to my deepest and
security yesterday that I'm not enough for you, and that
then I'm replaceable, and that like me being on the
podcast or me doing like creative things with you will
go away because I'm not doing more assistance. Let's go
for work so that I live with that fear. Well,
(21:33):
this is probably why they invented. Once you guys get
back to Saint Louis, you can do a delivery service
and I can help you with that. Very This is
all kind of uh, this is all coming up because
the grocery store is forty five minutes. There is one close,
but it doesn't have the things. There's one right across
(21:55):
the street, but it just doesn't have it. And I
can't believe you don't need food. What the what kind
of food do you have here that you are able
to make a meal of with that? Because just I
really want what wondered? I sent you a voice memoi. Yes,
and I really had let go of it by then
because I set you a voice memo being like, there's
(22:15):
no resentment in this at the store. Can I please
get you something that you need? Please think in the future,
don't think about tonight because Andrew just goes I'm already full.
I don't need any food. That's the way Andrew thinks
is like I go into the grocery. He doesn't think
about the week ahead. He's just like, right now, I
just ate. I don't need food. It's like I don't
understand that mindset of not like planning for the future.
(22:37):
It's insane. I don't know how this, but but that's me.
That's my mindset. Like so much. What are you going
to eat for on our day off tomorrow when we
have to make our own meals? Probably to flowers to
someone got up first. Oh boy, we got some good stories.
(23:03):
I hope everyone's having fun out there. And yeah, all
having your swells. Uh. I forgot to say swells yesterday
and I really regretted it, so swells it up? How
did that start? I just I think I shortened swell
time swells. Yeah, it's good. It's like a surfer lingo. Yeah.
It's like, what about the what about? What did what'd
(23:29):
you say? When we went skiing fresh Po Paladin? God,
I miss skiing with you, just going down the mountain,
you going down the mountain without me and me falling
twelve times? That is the news. Someone wrote about it.
US Weekly wrote about our trip a year ago. It's
(23:50):
pretty incredible glasses, Uh, with Snapchat effects into lenses and
a selfie drone could becoming your way. So Snapchat is
making or I think they're trying to do, you know,
Google glass, every one will look like you can do
filters on everyone. You see. You literally can do filters
in real life. That this isn't enough for you. This
(24:11):
beautiful palm tree, You gotta make it a little bit
more crisp. Oh not, but I'm thinking faces. No, look, yeah,
it's an altered version of reality. Whoa creepy? I mean
this is where we're headed. I mean I saw this
thing yesterday where cows are uses. No, they're actually wearing VR. No,
(24:36):
what's not VR but virtual reality? Yeah? V those Oculus goggles. Yeah,
Oculus things to simulate a green pasture. So it makes
the cow more relaxed, and it makes it produce more
milk and better beef in it. And so cows are
literally wearing VR stuff and it makes their makes them,
(24:58):
you know, whatever it is they're doing, it makes them better.
And it's like we can't just give them that. We
have to like because their lives are such hell. We
now have to put goggles on them so that they
are It's like chicken, now our our free range, but
only in the VR. We're like, they're like, it's a
free range virtual reality. Just don't don't walk four inches ahead,
(25:19):
stay in this little bubble and you can have the whole. Yeah,
that actually sounds kind of nice. Like if we're in
Saint Louis and the winter, you throw on some vrs
and next thing I know, I'm on the beach with
some girl with huge tits and a tan. I did
a VR porn ones like on my show Not Safe.
It never aired, but they made me a porn where
it was specified to like, we hired a company to
make a porn for me where it was hot dudes
(25:40):
feeding me fro you while a girl went down on me.
I don't know why. That was god and made me squirt.
And then I looked down and I the girl that
was me was squirting. Was it your leg No, it
was a girl that like, they tried to get a
girl that was as much my legs as me as possible.
Did you get to pick her out? No? It was
all it was supposed to be all. It was all
surprised and so was all shot without my knowledge, and
(26:01):
then I sit down and do it, and then there's
a whole crew of people from my show watching me,
like legit gotta get a rouse. I mean it was
like I had never had a girl go down on me,
so I was getting to do that. I was getting
to I had never scored at that point in my life,
got to do that, never had a bunch of guys
in tuxedos feed me for you while I'm getting run
down on it. I mean it was, Oh my god,
(26:21):
that heaven. It never aired because our show got canceled
before because we weren't get that footage. You No, I've
tried to get so much footage. I also did a
blowjob class with my mom that is fucking hilarious, hosted
by Emily Morse. It would be different now that podcast
that I love. She was I didn't even know that
she was. I kind of knew of her, but she
(26:43):
taught my mom and I how to do blow jobs.
And what I learned, lube is your friend. Lube. Use
lube for blow jobs. Use lube even if you're already wet.
Just use lube. Don't ever be scared of using lube.
You sound like a car repair man. Yeah, I'm just
go into loupe. Now I can't even stand it, Like, yeah,
(27:04):
no matter what did you do? Yeah? I got a
w D forty it wait wait wait, so can we?
First of all, I won't be froyo, it'd be humus.
Now you'd be completely different. I'm not I'm not in
I don't eat sugar anymore. But what did you have
an orgasm? No? On camera? No way, no way, no way.
You know me, I can't even I probably have an
(27:25):
orgasm three out of four times I masturbate and I'm
trying for it. Four. Wow, that's gotta be so watching.
I can't imagine if I jerked every time I jerked
off seventy five percent of the time I was not coming.
I would just stop. I would just not enjoy the process.
Someone recently was like, you love the deprivation. You love
(27:47):
like not being able to? Is not that? Like I
don't feel sometimes it just like goes away. It's like elusive.
I thought you had zolof dick and you can't come
sometimes with a woman. But when I jerk off, what's
up feeling? I can come with the woman? Is it frustra?
Do you have the blueballs and the anxiety, like is
it there's something? And I know this is going to
sound like I'm like selfless, but as long as she's
(28:09):
enjoying it, I get enjoyment out of that where I
don't feel like I need to come, but if it
was just me created when I can't come for sure,
But it's not like something I can't go to sleep too.
It's literally like it's like it's like it just kind
of dissolves, like that the idea of an orgasm dissolves,
and I don't even want it anymore because I've just
and I've spent so long that I'm like numb down
(28:30):
there almost. What's the longest you think you've ever masturbaby
Soup to nuts? An hour and a half, that's and
that was probably three weeks ago. Yeah, an hour and
a half. You can we go through this hour and
a half because I can't. I can't assume that it
was just vibrated right away. Do you start with the
hand and work? I mean an hour and I start
(28:51):
with the long that's a comedy special on a hand,
start with the wand over the comforter like on around
that air. Yeah, and then as I'm browsing porn just
to get me worked up. Then that was really about
not being able to find the right porn okay, and
searching so like generally it takes me like fifteen twenty
(29:14):
minutes to locate a clip. That day, I just couldn't
find one that got it, and it was probably because
I just was just not I could my body wasn't
able to do it. But then like, yes, last night
I masturbated and it took me probably thirty five minutes,
which is a rather short session. So let's go through
and a half. Okay, just remember we only have twenty
minutes for the news. Yeah, I'm sorry, Well that's not
(29:36):
even a long enough for news, let alone time I couldn't.
I love how Andrew like every time we talk about
you masturbating or like your boobs or something, he just
gets like like a little boy and starts asking all
these excited questions. It is interesting, but yeah, it's it's
it's most of the time it's just searching clips and
looking for the perfect one because I get really picky.
It's like when you're looking for a Netflix movie and
(29:57):
you never even land on a movie because you're just
you can't stop looking. Yeah, so you just search the
whole time because you find something good enough and you're like,
but there's probably something better. And a lot of times,
let me just final statement on this, A lot of
times when I do find a clip that I like
and I'm ready to like finally have an orgasm, I
go like, but there could be a better orgasm with
a better clip, and so I keep looking. It's like tender,
(30:18):
you know, you never want to settle on someone because
there could be a better person just you know, on
the next st app But what amazes me, and this
is why I get like perked up when I hear
an hour and a half is that you for play
yourself like a guy. We never like feel our dick
on top of our short but you know what I mean,
Like we don't like like like get it going and
(30:41):
then like we just get right to the meat. No,
I know. And that's why I to just like take
your time, all right. Next story that took an hour
and a half. Let us and snap glasses. One game
I did. Uh study finds that strength training your tongue
could grow it a little bit, a little bit an inch.
(31:03):
We read. I found this weird stat on Twitter and
it's real. If you want a longer tongue, by it
by a longer tongue. Let me see WHOA you have
a you have a long tongue? Yeah, I want it.
I wanted an inch longer. I'll have to do us
pull on it thirty times a day for a week,
for four weeks, five days a week, thirty times a day.
(31:24):
You get a color on it. You got to get gauze,
so it has. You can stretch your own tongue by
an inch. An inch for a leg would be a lot.
Let a load a tongue a tongue. An inch is
a tongue. You guys, this is wild and girls, do
you get typically prove it? Okay? I have a philosophical
question for you guys though, sure, because you seem very
(31:46):
into the extra inch. But if your mouth is only
a certain length, then you'd have to like either stuff
it behind your teeth or like walk around with it
hanging out. I mean, like your tongue is already probably
longer than you're Oh, actually, when I make it loose,
it still stays in my mouth. You're right, I don't know.
I think I think it stays in We have we
(32:06):
have someone on set, who was a splitting their tongue?
Who did like the she's the coolest check she's she's
my sun engineer. Yeah, she puts on my microphone every
day and she has up you know, splitting her tongue
and she could do likes her tongue like for good luck.
It's pretty cool. I think that you would get used
to it. It's kind of like if you had a
(32:27):
long penis and short shorts like in mesh like tight shorts,
you don't you wouldn't or you don't think about your
dick being held in huh, you'd be like one of
those cute dogs on Instagram. Then have the tongue to
I'd have so many likes you. I sent this yesterday
to you and you were like doing it and I go,
why would you want a longer tongue? And you were
like because it helps with what what'd you say, Oh, dysphasia,
(32:50):
which is a fear of choking or that Andrew has
so when I used to have it. I think I'm
good now at this point. But yes, I went through
a moment in my life where I drove myself to
urgent care thinking I was choking to death, and I
drove twenty minutes. Wow, got there and you said I'm
(33:10):
choking to death to the woman that was doing intake. Yeah,
and she said how long is your tongue? And I
She's like, you got to pull on that thing. Let
me see how you have a decent size tongue. That's
not a short tongue. No, but yeah, but since that moment,
I got an x ray. They said nothing was in
my throat. The the doctor said their symptoms usually choking
(33:31):
like I was going crazy. I was having a panic
attack and h and I stem from did you choke
as a child? No, I don't think so. Uh, except no,
I don't think I did. I just I just I
think it's so funny that it takes an hour and
a half for you to choke to death, to choke
the chicken. Beat itism for choking off choking the chicken. Yeah,
(33:56):
I'm thinking about pulling on my dick five times a
day and get it up to four inches. If that worked,
that study would be out there. This one, this one
is legit. It's it's I saw it on Twitter and
it only has twelve likes. This this tweet, this guy
who's like, hey, for those of you who care. I
don't know how I saw it was some random guy
follow retweeted his friend that only has like a couple followers.
(34:16):
But it's a real thing that works. I mean, look,
I don't under see you out there have a small,
a short tongue and you're insecure about it. You can
get an inch length in five weeks by sting by
pulling out your tongue with gauze thirty times a day,
just doing long poles and for five weeks, five five
days a week, and you'll have an inch longer tongue.
That is insane. You'd be like you'd be able to
(34:37):
get insects in the air. But you were saying, do
girls like long tongues because sometimes guys on you see
a lot of guys on TikTok like showing off how
their tongues are like. And yeah, when you're getting unnelingus,
a tongue is interesting. Like a tongue that knows what
it's doing can be good. And if you're a girl
that likes a tongue like inside you, I guess it
could be like deeper inside you. But I think the
key to going a kunnelingus it's just I just signed
(35:01):
when a guy tries to be sexual by putting his
tongue even a little bit out of his mouth, like
LLL cool J was known for licking the lip gross,
like you're trying to be gross. You're like, does that
turn Yeah, that's nothing, but certain girls. I mean, you know,
if a girl is going it would probably turn on
a guy a little bit sometimes. Wait, yeah, I think
(35:23):
the tongue just tells a girl that that guy likes
to eat pussy. Okay, so why do we care? Why
do I care? Okay? Why do I care? What is this? Angelina? Oh,
have been going through a costly and bitter divorce since
twoy sixteen. Right, They've each spent well over one million
dollars in legal costs because Angelina wants full custody and
(35:46):
Brad just wants fifty fifty. They have six kids. Why
can't she give him half? What do you think it is?
Do you think he cheated on her? Probably? Then, I
don't know. I mean I assume that it probably has
something to do with that. They're both people that got
together from a cheating incident. But were you mad at
(36:09):
Angelina Jolie because you're such a Aniston head? No, I honestly, wasn't.
I think maybe I was a little bit like I
was probably mad at Brad, but I don't. I just
don't see how people don't cheat when they're making a
movie where they're playing lovers and they're both sexy people
like I Just if I ever dated an actor who
(36:30):
was on set romantically with a woman, I'd say, but bye,
yeah it was especially you're going to Paris to shoot
a movie with fucking Sale or Mara whatever. I'll see
you when you get back. You will be in love
with her, and you'll fucking hate me, but we'll get
through it or we won't. But like, I'm not going
(36:50):
to pretend you won't fall in love with this person.
I just and good luck on Dancing with the Stars.
I'll see you in a month when you get eliminated.
But you will be in love with your partner, and
that's not for me. I wasn't in love with my partner,
but you will be in love. A man will be
in love with your female partner. If you go on
Dancing with the Stars, you will and he'll be like, no,
but I put a sock over my cock. Yeah no,
it's complete, like nothing, there's nothing I mean, I'm hard
(37:13):
this this divorce. That's insane that it's you know when
women unless bread is like abusive to the kids. Is
there such thing as fourth custody? Can you give a
guy a fourth of it custody? Like none? That's crazy
they have. I think that's the I think that's the
problem with children with divorce is that if you don't
go hard in the paint, then you can't settle. It's
(37:34):
like parents fight, for dude, My parents fought. My parents
were divorced. My dad had an affair. My mom, I
guess didn't blow him enough. I don't really know what happened,
but uh, that's that's why cheating happens. Yeah, also cheating
have a long tongue. But I think like they they
(37:55):
it went on for years. They're trying to get bull
I think not they settled on. My dad only had
Wednesday and every other weekend, which you know, uh, you
know where I get my food thing from. I just
thought about this where I don't care about having food.
My dad we'd go there and he would have a
(38:17):
half a pizza and like a half a diet pepsi
for us, like he never but he was working more.
But whatever he might have learned from that and been like, Oh,
i don't want scarcity in my life, so I'm going
to plan ahead instead. You get a full pizza. Yeah no,
But anyways, my dad and my mom had had vicious
courtroom fights where it was all ego and even when
(38:39):
like you finally get the kids to cut to get over,
it had nothing to do with your dad. I don't
even want the kids. You just want to win. And
by the way, cheating does not. A guy who cheats
doesn't mean he's gonna beat the kids, like or cheat
on the kids, Like what does that mean? Like he
can't have full because he can't have half because he
cheated on me. That has nothing to do with being
a father. I mean, it's it's not that the character
(39:00):
of someone who cheats wouldn't be a bad character, and
then it would spill into being a bad dad. But
that's not reason enough to not like, is he gonna
he might start playing with other kids while my kids
are there? Can I in for a sec because I
have I have a similar experience that Andrew has, like
with with my parents, except at an older age. And
what I realized from divorce is that it's a it's
(39:24):
a big industry and there's a lot of money to
be made off of people's pain, so I think. But
there are some other bad players in all this, Yes,
kind of like weddings. Yeah, well that's the thing. Your
parents get separated. Let's say my parents were separate when
I was twelve or thirteen, the court fight, like they
(39:45):
weren't fully divorced for years, like, so it had nothing
to do with when they when your dad actually leaves
the house. So wild to me that people can love
each other so much and then literally hate each other
more than anyone else on the planet and try to
take your children from the per person. I mean, it's
just it's it's just it's just wild human behavior. Also
in regards to money, like Angelina is not going to
(40:07):
have another twenty million dollar picture, you know what I mean,
Brad might still be able to you know, like they're
getting less and less work. She just sold a painting
by Winston Churchill that Brad gave her, is believed to
have gifted her for like eleven million dollars. She literally
has another eleven million dollar picture. Yeah, it's a painting picture.
(40:29):
She doesn't have a as you said, picture, the way
you say, picture is picture, So no, she doesn't have
a picture of ice tea worth fifty million dollars. If
Brad drank from it, it would be some some horny
little housewife would pay for that. I mean, Brad, all right,
it's only getting hotter. I know it's it's that's the
way the world works, all right. We gotta get to
(40:54):
collection of kids, kids getting ready for a good so good. Yes,
those are all my best friends from my school saying
the catchphrase that we coined in high school called k Now.
If you're a new listener to the show, you might
(41:15):
not know what CU is. I haven't set it up
on this show tech totally, but in my past podcast
I've really gone over what because I'm trying to spread it.
It's just a perfect way to describe someone who is
doing something to appear to others as cool that they
don't need to do. They're putting an effort to look,
(41:37):
which we all do. But this is this is like
you're doing a thing that is just like you. Just
It's a perfect response to like someone who revs the
peels out of a grocery store, or someone who I
don't know, like like oh, a guy on the subway,
who's like rapping to himself loudly or like something so
(41:58):
that he's doing this so that other people are like, man,
he's really cool, but instead he's care. It's just it's
an incredulous, disgusted, disgusted way of saying you're cool, like
care and you do a peace sign when you do it,
and you're like care literally whatever I do. Anything that
someone is doing something that makes them seem collects a
(42:21):
group of guys is like shouting and being loud because
they're trying to get attention from girls. I always go
a perfect guy would be on a speaker phone doing business. Yeah,
it's we got to get it at you guys. Use it.
It's so cathartic to release. Now. In this segment, will
(42:42):
be taking submissions for kuz. If you have any you
can always dm us Nikki Glazer pod on Instagram. Thank
you for everyone who's following that account. You can also
write into the show at the Nikki Glazer Podcast at
Gmail and we will have your collections of Kuz and
and you'll get a better feel for what as are
as we go and when you encounter them in real life.
I'd love you to send them our way. We all
(43:04):
can be cud. I've been very I've been cud myself before,
where you're just you know. The other day, I was
driving into set and I was blasting like a song
that I wanted people to think, like, oh, she's not cool,
but like wow, like where we think a thing about
Nikki because she's blasting that song like it chose a
song so that I think it was some Taylor Swift
(43:27):
ship because I just wanted like people to be like
I like, I like, I want to make friends that
like like Taylor Swift. I want to like. So I
don't know if that's cud, because I obviously Taylor Swift
isn't cool. No one's gonna be like she's cool, but
I wanted to, like wanted people to hear it so
that they would comment to me and I could make friends. So, uh, noah,
you have a great example of a kid. Yes, and
(43:48):
I'd love for you to share it with our listeners.
So I had an ex boyfriend who uh like zooped
up his car and he had words soup is already
but that's what he used to say about it. So
I'm using his language. All right, it's already Ki, Yeah,
and he like made his suber ru like he has
(44:10):
a super Ru that he zooped up. He's zuber rude. Yes,
And he used to rev his engine whenever he would
get angry or if we would argue in the car,
he would speed to show how angry he was. So
guys who use their car as a means of describing
their anger are my kids for the weekend. Any guy
(44:34):
who like flores it or peels out, or like if
you're driving in a car with a guy and he
makes you feel unsafe because he's like met like road raging,
or he's trying to like show off. You are such
a kid piece of shit, And I hope that we
do get in a car accident and it only takes
you out and I walk away maybe a scratch on
(44:59):
my wrist to remember. You know, what's the best day
of my life. When one of these cars, like no
I was talking about, has like one hundred and eighty horsepower,
which is not a lot at all, and you changed
a muffler to make it sound like you have three
hundred and fifty horsepower, It's like, could you can't afford
an actual sports car? You can't. Yeah, he is so
(45:19):
k and like if he There was a guy in
high school this was the origin of k Like one
of the earliest kids, My friend Huffy dated this guy
named Mark and he had an automatic car, but he
would shift between neutral and drive to make it seem though,
to make it feel like he was driving a stick
Say it with me. Now, you know what's when a
(45:43):
guy adds a spoiler to a shitty car and it's
like five feet high, so you know that bitch is flying.
Oh my god, that is I mean, like anyone that's
just like even let's let's not do this all about guy.
If a girl all like even comments that like oh yeah.
I was like, I'm trying to think of like how
(46:05):
a girl would might be kid if she's just like
can girls be kid? Yea? If they just if they're
trying to be like I like, wait, hold on, I'm
trying to think of an example of a kid. Okay,
I I think I might have one. Okay, please someone Okay,
but go you first, you're the oh no, you You
(46:26):
maybe someone who posts of like a flashback photo bragging
about like how cool they were in their younger years. Yeah,
showing that off. Yes, if you know that in a
post like a Flashback Friday or TBT that you look
like hot and like you're clearly showing that you were,
(46:48):
and you're making fun of yourself. But it's also like
you also look hot and like everyone who lived during
that time knows that that person like looked actually cool,
your cat and if you look like such a trying
to be vulnerable but like being like, oh my god,
I'm so embarrassed, but you know you look at you're
so fucking k we see right through you, Like if
(47:08):
the color my prom queen dress girls submitted a KA
one time that to my old podcast that was fantastic.
So this is a prime example. And everyone's guilty of
this kind of stuff. By the way, I'm guilty of
being Andrew Is. We could all be kept. But this,
I bet so many of you are guilty of this.
If you on Facebook, someone makes an announcement right of
(47:29):
like we're pregnant, right and you comment underneath it, I'm
so glad you're finally telling people I was dying. I
couldn't get the secret. You are telling everyone else that
sees your comment that I'm closer friends with this girl
than you are. Ye. The only reason you're commenting that
is because you want people to know, Like that's the
definition of if you're doing something so that the main
(47:51):
reason is people thinking you are better than them, then
you are And it is not a humble brag. It
can be humble brags, which is coined by my late
friend Harris Whittles, because can be just straight up brags.
But most of the time because are you know, ensconced
in this like faue sincerity or just like this like accidental,
(48:16):
like I didn't even mean to do that? Yeah, can ye?
Can't you tell people how to spell ki okay? So
when they write it's not perfect like in terms of it.
Really it's like there's a brand, actually a clothing called
kul and it's k u h L and I think
that's probably phonetically how it should be spelled, But in
high school, for some reason, we thought it was ceo
(48:39):
apostrophe uhl kul And that's just how it's spelled to
us my friends from high school. Shout out to Kirsten
Halla and Taylor who did the voiceover for the intro.
But please send in your cuz it's called collection of
cuz we'll be doing it up at least monthly. And
I can't read to read your specific cause that you
witness in your life or maybe you've done yourself, So
(49:01):
send those into uh the Nicki Glazer Podcast at gmail
dot com. Final thought for the show, Andrew, I want
to announce what we're calling our listeners. Is it going
to be kit? It's not kid at all because it's
very sincere and it's something that I was reluctant to
do because it, to me didn't sound special enough. No,
(49:24):
you already know it. What are you doing? No, that
was kid because you were giving me We were making
listeners think we were doing something organic, but it wasn't.
That was definitely kid. That was kis. No, you're you're you're.
If we were to lie and pretend like we didn't
know and then I enter, then it would be kitt.
You know what's the opposite of ki honesty? So honestly,
(49:47):
we've already take a conversation. We got the suggestion from Noah.
Thank you so much, Noah. We got a lot of
suggestions for names. People are like glaze heads, glazer beams, swells,
uh donuts, nick clicks, nick wits donuts for like glazed donuts.
Thank you so much. To Matt Wilson, Becky Cooper, Timothy
(50:08):
shaw Shave for sending in your suggestions. We got tons
of others, and what we're settling on is and no,
what will you explain the reasoning behind this? Because I'm
sometimes these shows fly by and I don't even know
where the inside jokes started? Can you? Can you tell
me what it is and then where the origin? I
think the best name for our listeners would be best friends. Okay,
(50:34):
tell me why, because you've talked about in a previous
episode about how you have friends all over and you
have a lot of best friends, and the people who
listen to this show are going to get to know
you on a best friend level. Yes, it's perfect. So
when you are at a show of ours and you
(50:56):
meet and greet and you want to tell me that
you're listening to the podcast, you can be like, I'm
a best friend. We can if you write into the show,
you can now call if you are listening to this
show right now, you are a best friend because you
are in a conversation with three people who are talking
to each other like best friends. I talk to my
listeners like best friends, and I really am giving a
part of myself on this podcast that I wouldn't really
(51:18):
give to any other medium that I make entertainment. And
and I just feel closer to the people listening to
this podcast than literally anyone who listens to my stand
up and not because it's just you know, because it's
more casual and I'm here with people that make me
feel that comfortable. And I believe you two also conduct
yourselves on this podcast like you would with your best friends. Yeah.
(51:40):
I feel like, if anything, we're probably more upfront than
I am with even my best friends from high school,
who I would just you know, maybe slap their dick
and be like, I get actually anxious when my actual
friends say they listen to this podcast because I'm like,
I'm too vulnerable. I haven't told you guys these things yet,
and I'd rather my listeners know them and not you.
(52:01):
So truly, you guys are like your your best friends,
and and that's what we're going to call you. And
I hope you like it. And Noah, thank you so
much for the suggestion. I love it, and it just
it's moms my heart. I'm not only the producer of
this show, I'm also a listener, so that's a good point. Also,
a client yeah, what do you mean. It's like, I'm
(52:24):
not only uh, the owner of hair club prom but yes, yeah, yeah,
yeah's he like, I mean, look, that's putting your money
where your mouth is. I guess that guy would. Yeah,
Para Silton too with her own perfume, like none of these.
Last night I saw an ad for and Jennifer Ranson
has his new ad that's very triggering for Vital Proteins,
(52:45):
which is this kind of you know, different vitamins and
it triggering to you, yeah, because she's just like perfect
in it and doing all these yoga poses and it's
just like focusing on different parts of her body and
it's pretty much like, if you drink this stuff, you
will will be inspired to work out as much as
innocent you will be. You will look like her, you
will have her hair. And it's just such bullshit. And
(53:05):
I do think she does drink Vital Proteins, but most
celebrities don't really use the things they endorse because the
things they endorse are sold at like Walmart, which I'm
sure I had a great joke about her with her
skincaracter vino stuff. It's just and I think I said
other podcasts the other day. It's just like she would
never use a Veno products, Jennifer Aniston does, so let's
stop falling for the stuff. But yeah, if you were
(53:27):
selling me like baby foreskin in a cream form for
like nine hundred dollars, I would believe you, Jennifer, you
know what I mean? Like, yes, like if you were
using the blood of babies that no one else can get. Yep,
you know there's something something they're using, but you know
there is Like I'd rather them sell something that I
(53:49):
actually think that they might use than like something that's
obviously so that they don't believe in. Yeah, I mean
it happens all the time. Where my prime example was
Adam Levine had a line of women's clothing at Kmart
what and it was all advertised like Adam Levine thinks
women who dressed and this kind of clothes are cool
(54:10):
and hot. And it's like he wouldn't he'd They're like,
Adam Mlevine will fuck you if you wear these jeans
made in China by let Out. Yeah exactly, NOA Levine
not only wouldn't fuck you if you shop a Kymart,
he wouldn't. He would probably spit on you. So if
that's what you like? It was the most just is
(54:32):
that what the clothes come with his spit? I mean
that would be worth it. Do you know what I drank? Uh?
One time I drank John Mayer's backwash? What did it
taste like? Water bottle? Do you feel like? How long
did you have that water? In high school? By the way,
you guys, I went to go see John Mayer at
a very small venue. It was before it was like
(54:54):
after his first release and he wasn't a big deal.
It was at Mississippi Nights and sat me and my friends,
this isn't kase. We grabbed a water bottle from the
stage up of the show and all chugged it, like
uged it. You know. There was like, you know, a
couple steps stuff. We all took not chugged it, but
we all took a sip and then we were like,
we made out with John Mayer. And then we also
touched at that same venue, we touched Adam Dirrets. No,
(55:16):
this was a different venue. We touched Adam Dirretts. He
like grabbed our hand and so when we went home,
we took masking tape and took the fingerprints that it
had his fingers on them and we put we took
tape and like collected the fingerprints and then put them
on a postcard and we're like, that's Adam Dirt's DNA.
Oh my god, we're obsessed. And we also stole how
We Dazed Sweat Rag and we all like we cut
(55:37):
it up into like bandana strips and ate it. No,
but I used to love concerts. I love that you
always split it with your girlfriends though it was such
a probably bonding experience for you girl, Oh my god.
We were just so we were so horny for these
guys and they made music that just made us feel
like like we we all weren't like getting action and
(55:57):
like it was just you know, I was just a
fan size about like making out with these boys, and
then I would get to like get so close to
them and yeah, which you do now, which is wild
because your life has gotten to the point where you
dm with John Mayer, you speak on Dave Matthew's uh
you know, serious channel, like like it all came. Yeah,
(56:21):
the idea to that, like I'm I have John Mayer's
number or whatever is not lost on me. There's times
where I would like to tell him my drink your
backwash and stuff. But yeah, no, it's that's but I'm
still that girl. That's like, I love people who I
can get to know through their art and like have
crushes on them. And the other day some guys asked me, like,
(56:43):
who's your celebrity crush? I never even know what to say.
Now I always had an answer, and now I don't.
The world is my oyster. I'm just kidding. I can't
even get Matt James to read a DM. He read it, Yeah,
he just didn't accept it. But I look, I love
the fact that you were so in the concerts and
I think, I know you don't even recognize that person
when we get out of here. Though, when we get
(57:03):
out of maybe we'll go to two, next two in
the next ten years, who knows? I mean, who were
the really hilarious tweet yesterday from Caleb Sign and that
was like, I can't wait till COVID's over and I
can go back to seeing one concert every ten months.
Who would you see? Who was who? If you could
(57:23):
pick anyone that even now as an adult, where you
could be front row and you could get their sweat
on you be swifty, obviously it wouldn't be a guy. No, No,
because I want to go to a concert where I
know every fucking song. And that's the only person right
now who I know every goddamn song. What about you,
Tom Petty not dead alive? Right, You wouldn't do like
(57:46):
a weekend at Bernie's Tom Petty concert. Honestly, it was
pretty much the last show I saw. It was close
to that, yeah, because it was a month before he
passed away. Shadow Petty and the heartbreak is it great?
It it is za for me. I know you know
every you don't even realize you know every word to
all his songs and you can sing every word and
(58:07):
everyone's so together, and it's just I fucking I love
Tom Petty and it's very sad that he passed away.
And No, I honestly thought about Taylor Swift dying the
other day and I started almost crying. I don't know
what I'll do when I can't. Sometimes when I was
really like sad over the summer and like honestly like
suicidal at times, not like wasn't going to do anything,
(58:29):
but like was like I just want to die. The
idea that I would miss her next album and a
song that could make me feel. The things that our
songs make me feel gave me reason to keep living,
and I know that sounds crazy. Also, other things are
like season two of Love on the Spectrum. I don't
want to miss that. These are all things that, like,
I don't want to die because they might I might
miss these things. But Taylor Swift's music is honestly something
(58:50):
that like gives me reason to keep going when I
am most depressed. Isn't that so sad? And it's not
like seeing my niece grow up? All right, guys, we
gotta go. Thanks for listening today. You guys are our
best friends and we love you so much. We'll be
back tomorrow to round out the week. By No m
best friend He can't
Host
Nikki Glaser
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