#9 Five Sentences or Less

Nikki seldom enjoys seeing herself on stuff she is on but loved learning about her friends and herself on the new documentary Hysterical. She and Andrew can't help but sing to each other before discussing the evils of money, psychopaths and Hollywood in You Heard it Here First. They have a swell time reading listener mail and Andrew's final thought is horny.

Write in to the show at [e-mail] - 5 sentences or less!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Nikasts Nikki, Hello, Noah, you're super loud in my ears,
but now I'm turning you down. How are you? Uh?

(00:20):
Good morning everyone? Or good afternoon, good week? Good? Um?
What's what's after Easter? You can wear white? Again? Is
that after Easter? I think that's Labor Day or Memorial
So you can't wait where it after Labor Day? But
I think you can start wearing white at Easter. I
don't think there are any rules. You could always wear white. Yeah,

(00:44):
you really can. Um. I'm glad we cleared that up.
So Noah, between you and me. I watched, um something
that I did. I you know that I don't like
to watch myself on things. Um. It's like the worst
thing that I can imagine is seeing something, you know what.
I don't mind watching myself on something that's like a

(01:07):
year old, but anything sooner than that or over that,
I can't. It's such a weird thing for me. Anyway.
I watched the documentary, the Netflix documentary Hysterical, which um
is now on Hulu for everyone who has Hulu. It
was on ffects. It premiered the other nights like three

(01:29):
nights ago. It's on FX on demand. That's how I
watched its on demand or you can get it on Hulu,
um right now, which is where I watched it. And
oh my god. First of all, I didn't finish it yet,
but I'm taking my time. It's so freaking good. It's
a documentary about female stand ups. And if you're listening

(01:52):
to this podcast you like female stand ups, just admit
it to yourself. Um, we're kind of the best. And
and I and I really do mean that, Like I
think female stand ups, they're always my favorite stand ups. Um,
and yeah, they're shitty ones out there. I'm not gonna lie.
There's really bad female stand ups, but my favorite stand
ups are are women and um, and all of them

(02:16):
were featured in this documentary. It follows. It's really cool
how they you saw it, Noah, and you wrote me
a really nice message about it that I got today.
I don't know when you said it, but sometimes I
get things late. Um, and it was so nice. I
was getting a lot of messages. What forced me to
watch it because I usually don't like watching things without
was getting a lot of messages from people being like Nikki,

(02:37):
I love you, NICKI, thank you, Nikki, are you okay? Nicky?
Were worried about it, like all these like you made
me cry and like a lot of stuff. Lorraine Newman,
who was one of the first I think she was
on the first cast of S and l Um. She
and I are Twitter friends, and she just DMed me, Nikki,

(02:59):
I love you so much, like period period, you know,
and I was like, what prompted this? And She's like
hysterical and I'm like, oh, dear, I haven't even seen
it yet, and she's like, you were so vulnerable. I
forget what she said, but it was so I watched it,
um and I'm like I said, I'm only I think
forty five minutes in and my own story made me cry.

(03:22):
It does not feel like another life. By cry, I
mean like tear up a little bit. Well, the interview
does feel like another life because it was right before
the pandemic hit, Like I think it was like end
of January maybe February when I filmed all the stuff
for it UM and then. But in terms of like
I didn't know what I had said. I don't even

(03:43):
remember the interview really, like I remember it was good,
and I'm just like always honest, so it's just like, okay,
whatever they asked me. I guess I gave them an
answer like it wasn't that much different than stuff I
talked about on podcasts, But like when then that story
is taken and there's clips from my childhood and pick
just from me as a kid, and somber music behind

(04:04):
it and zooming in on like sad photos and it's
just about it's talking about how I, like, you know,
never felt uh like I didn't feel like I was
pretty enough, and it's just like very heartbreaking and um
but it's it's it's interesting though because my story wasn't
unique like they so they follow me. Judy Gold, Margaret Show,

(04:27):
Rachel Finstein, Um, Carmen Lynch, Kelly Bachman, uhho, Eliza Slessinger,
Wanda Psykes is in it. I think a bit a
Bodie McFarlane, Jessica Kirson Shepherd Sherry Shepherd is so good
and there uh there might be others in it too,

(04:48):
but um a fortune theme star. It takes us through
what we were like as little girls. We all found
stand up and felt like a lightning bolt, which I
thought was really interesting. We all had the same story
of like I did it once and I just and
I just knew you know, and I always thought that
that was kind of like a cheesy story that I
had when I first found it was like a love
at first sight with like a passion passion um and

(05:12):
but it was it was a pretty universal feeling, and
all these girls felt less than and silenced, and you know,
a lot of the same reasons that men are drawn
to it too. I think feeling like you're not good enough.
I mean, I know Andrew is drawn to stand up
because he was very tiny and was kind of bullied.
He was the only Jewish kid in his like Christian school.

(05:35):
Like feeling like another which women, you know, there's a
lot of pressure on us and oftentimes maybe we feel
more well, I don't know. I I think men and
women have a very similar experience, but then it's getting
into the trauma of like what trauma we've had in
our lives and um, the sexism in the business. And
I have wrongly always been one to say it's no different,

(05:59):
because here's the thing, it isn't different because I don't
know the male experience. So I've always felt like this
is just the way it is. Like I didn't learn
empathy until like six years ago, so I didn't understand
that like other people, I'm constantly trying to teach my
parents empathy because it's a hard thing to learn if
you don't have it. And it seems so easy and

(06:21):
everyone thinks they have empathy. But like I've told this
anecdote before, but my dad will be like, We'll be
at a restaurant and he'd be like, I would never
just leave our table like that if I was a
waitress or whatever that is, you know, like or like
I would never Um, it will be like at a
drive through. I mean if I was, I would never
have of of just handed off the drenk or like

(06:44):
throwing the change like that or whatever it is. And
I go, well, um, you're also not a black teenager
in two thousand and twenty one, Like, does that make
sense that like maybe her life leading up to this
moment where she was rude to you or like didn't
give you what you wanted was different than your life
in Cincinnati in nineteen sixty two as a little boy

(07:06):
like that maybe, And people always go people always get
mad at people where they go like, your trauma is
no excuse for how you behave because a lot of
people are turned into terrible people because of their trauma,
right like childhood trauma, even an adulthood trauma. They take
it and they want to hurt everyone in the same way.
And some people think that same trauma. Let's talk about

(07:26):
a rape, let's talk about a molestation, with abuse of
any kind, and they do the opposite, and they want
to do the opposite with it. Whether you do the
opposite with it or whether you inflict more abuse, you
can't say. You can't say if you're one of those
people that goes out and goes I was abused as
a child, so I'm kind to everyone. Now you luked
out that that is how you process your trauma. The

(07:47):
person that goes out and is mean to everyone and
is abusive didn't choose to process their trauma that way.
That's just how they are. There's no free will. I
don't want to get into it, but we need to
have empathy all the way down the line. I believe.
My point is I never considered that other women might

(08:09):
have a different experience than me and stand up and
I was I just thought I could speak for all
women and say it's fine, I've never had anything happened.
But as I'm listening to all these stories being told.
I'm like, yeah, that's happened, that's happened, that's happened. That's happened.
And I loved that they focused on the fact that
there's this whole like every woman is supposed to just

(08:32):
be in stand up is supposed to be like bring
women in support other female stand ups. Uh, shine a
light on other female stand ups, when really, and there's
a room enough for all of us. Know they're fucking
Isn't this myth that there's room for all of us
is perpetuated by men like who's who? Who's Why are
they saying that it's not It's like the same as

(08:54):
women who have or a body positive when they really
hate their bodies, just because that's what you're supposed to
day there there isn't room for all of us. People
still don't have enough women and things. There's still lineups
on comedy shows with one woman there's This hasn't changed.
And although I do love showcasing new stand up female
stand ups because they are my favorite stand ups, I'm

(09:16):
not gonna sit here and lie to you guys and
say that I am not so much more threatened bye
bye other women than than I am men, I just am.
I'm just being honest. And if you're not saying that,
either you're very emotionally and uh self uh actualized and

(09:38):
mature and done a lot of work, or you're lying.
Because I'm aware of every up and coming young blonde comedian.
And guess what when I click on a video that
of a new comic that's coming coming and really cute
and has a substantial following, and I watched a stand

(09:59):
up club, I'm secretly crossing my fingers that you're bad,
and I'm just I'm just being honest with you. Who
wants the new generation that's going to overtake them to
be good? I don't. But guess what, they are good?
And then you watch it and you go, actually, I'm
learning something from this new generation of women. I have
to step aside for them. I'm tired stand up. To

(10:23):
stay great at stand up, you have to do it
every night. It is like the Olympics. I have one
silver at the I'm like a gymnast in the night
in the Olympics in the nineties. Female gymnast in the nineties.
They couldn't. I'm not. I don't know if this is
a fact, but I'm guessing they couldn't even make the
Olympic team now for what gymnasts are capable of. Now.

(10:44):
That doesn't mean they didn't work as hard, doesn't mean
they weren't as good as athletes. It means the game
has changed. Women have been empowered to move their bodies
in different ways and try different things. The gymnastics itself
is expanding, comedy itself is expanding. I can't keep up.
I don't want to keep up. It's a young person's game.
I'm tired. My hymen broke years ago on that balanced beam,

(11:06):
and I might need to take a step back and
let the new batter. It's just gonna happen. And when
the world opens up again, I'm really struggling with's moving
back to New York now that every that this comedy
sellars open again, their shows happening there, and I am
itching in my bones to get back out there. Not
because I want to do stand up, but because I
want to stay as good as everyone else. And I

(11:26):
don't like that, so I'm trying to fight it. I'm
trying to stay in the Cayman Islands mentally, and for
a couple more weeks after we wrap this shoot until
I have to go to l A for another gig,
and that's where I'm standing. But I'll tell you this.
You gotta watch Hysterical. I've only watched the first four
or five minutes, but I was just so touched. You think,
you know what a documentary about female stand up is

(11:47):
going to be. And I learned things about female stand
ups as one about myself in the documentary that I
didn't know. And that's how I feel about that. No
any words about it from someone who saw the whole thing.
I watched it in two sessions because I can't sit
for two hours. It was a two hour documentary. But
I have to tell you you just I was itching
to get back to it. It was really well made.

(12:09):
It didn't really like feel like it was thinking for me.
It just told stories really well. Jessica Gearson did an
amazing job with it, and it was just really nice
to see, you know, to get little peaks into the
lives of these amazing female comics. Yeah, it um, it

(12:30):
was really special. I learned about my some of my
best friends in comedy stuff I didn't know about them,
and that You're right, I like that that note. It
didn't think for you. Didn't tell you how to feel
about everything, but um, but it definitely taught me to
have some empathy for myself. Like I always say, whenever
you're feeling like mad at yourself and beating yourself up,
look at a picture of yourself as a little girl,

(12:51):
and like, say what you would say to that little girl,
Like think of yourself as that little girl, because you
are that little girl. And I I was really emotional
about my own story. I was like, oh my god,
she's so sad, like I Lorraine Newman to myself later on.
So let's bring Andrew and he hasn't seen it yet,
but he's heard me talk about it. We're gonna talk
about a lot of other things on the show today.
We got a lot to get to. We're back. We

(13:12):
have four shows this week. I'm so excited. I missed
you guys, my best friends. Let's get into it, Andrew. Alrighty,
let's get to it. Andrew, Welcome to the show, Buddy.
In the middle of the night, I'm gonna ask you

(13:34):
how you sleep? Okay, Yeah, that was my first CD,
Billy Joel. I don't know what mine was my first
tape I think was I didn't ask you so, no,
I did. I was going to, but you just started.
I mean, that's how conversation works. Yeah, yeah, you don't

(13:56):
talk and asked the question. All right, that's a good point.
Well I slept great, Thank you for asking. Um No,
I guess we never even got into in the middle
of the night. Billy Joel and Amy Grant was also
my first CD. What was your first CD? Amy Grant?
She was the all American Midwestern baby I'm staying in
with the notion to love you with the sween of

(14:21):
something her Oh my god, and her Christmas album is
like still one of the best. Her and Cheryl Crow
had a similar vibe a little bit. Amy Grant was
always singing about Jesus. You just didn't know it till
she came out with some more pointed records, very sneaky.

(14:42):
Uh yeah, I mean, and then who did you compare
to Cheryl Crowy Crow was not I love Cheryl Crow.
Oh my god, she's so sexy kid rock. Oh my god,
you guys have to go watch her. My dad and
I watched over the Pandemic. She was on foul and
we love her. My dad and I, um, but she

(15:04):
was doing Tom Petty's uh um, let's get to the point.
I think it was that one Let's roll. I think
it was that song. Yeah, you don't know how it feels.
It is really hard to watch. I want everyone to
watch it. She filmed it like in a shack behind
her house, and then she played herself and she keeps

(15:24):
like bringing a keyboard, logging a keyboard into the frame,
and then she walked out of the frame and then
she enters through the shed playing a guitar. It's so awkward.
It's so I really recommend everyone watch it because it
wasn't good. But I do love Cheryl CRS. And this
was before yeah, yeah that she was just doing this
before COVID. Uh no that. It was just it was

(15:44):
not a great It was not this. Oh my god,
look at it. Okay, so just jump ahead. Noah. So
she's like outside of shed playing guitar and it sounds okay. Now,
then she's sitting with herself, so it's like two of her,
but she just keeps like bringing in different equipment and
it's just like doesn't really work, and then she she
thinks she's cool. This It's kind of If you watch it,

(16:07):
you guys, you'll realize that Cheryl crow is and she's
wearing a weird outfit, and it just doesn't it doesn't work.
I mean, at least she tried. I mean, is that
in her backyard it really does look like and those
chairs she's sitting on look like they were in an

(16:27):
inferno and pulled from like rubble. Yeah, I mean, it's
it's just not good. Um, but everyone's a lot to fail,
including myself. Yeah, it's not Well, she's probably shot it alone,
um and she but the thing is, she keeps walking
off like she's going to get something, and then she
just comes back in with the same guitar. It just
like doesn't really work for me anyway. What was your
first CD? My first tape I remember more was Beastie Boys.

(16:54):
You're not the one with girls. All I really want
is girls, and morning it's girls and in the evening
it's girls. Yeah, that's an easy song for you. You're
not a lyric boy, and that one is probably was no.
What was your first CD or like album? My first
uh C D was Sound Gardens super Unknown with that

(17:17):
song um which I used to call Champagne No Non
Champion Supernova. It was the one that was like supersonic
black black hole soun. I always used to sing Michael's Son.
I don't know why. I always thought he was saying
Michael's son, Michael's son. And watched the rain Michael's Son

(17:44):
and there's like melting people in the MTV video. I
loved it. Was so black hole sun, black hole son. Oh.
I loved that song. That's that's so, that's a that's
a great one. Um. I love misheard lyrics. I remember
watching a Today's Show segment when I was a kid
and they said that Matt Lower was like talking to

(18:06):
someone who wrote a book about miss her lyrics. And
it was like count the headline on the Hugh Way,
and I was picture like headlines on the highway. I had,
what were some of yours from? Do you remember? Like
give me one of yours? I had. I got in
an argument, like a true argument with my brother over
hey jealousy because I thought it was hair jealousy and

(18:26):
I bet him hair jealous You just think they were
doing like a pun about like hair gel and jealousy.
I wish I was that smart to every day, Hey,
I'll get there, give me an hour a year, Hey Jealousy.
I love that jealousy. Do you think it beal right?

(18:47):
Just stick your hair? You say, I got no palm
made and I need to wet it down, and you
know it might not be that bad. I went and
get some frosted tips and now I wouldn't have gotten
them if Pacy did it make them so look so
cool on Dawson's Creek. Yeah? What was your way? Your first?

(19:13):
Why was it? Do you remember how you got it?
Did you go to Sam Doody? No? No, I remember
getting it? Was Christmas. I got a boot, you know,
a boom box with a CD player at the top.
I got Um. I got three albums Oasis, Amy Grant
and um Billy Joel, Middle of the Night or whatever,
that Garden of Dreams, whatever the hell it was. Yeah,

(19:36):
and uh and maybe Paula Abdul. I don't know, maybe
mixing years. But I do remember being like, I'm finally
it's my music and I have taste and I'm creating.
Like you become a person where it's like not listening
to my parents. Shit, they're listening to this Dave Matthews band,
under the Table and dreaming boring adult music. Was eventually

(19:58):
fall in love with it, and one day in tenth
grade or ninth grade, I would be laying all my
bedroom floor listening to Satellite and something would happen to
my vagina that would seal my fate and turn into
a robot. There was something about Satellite. I remember laying
on my white carpet and it was like set to
let and I was like, I am now obsessed with
this and I will never not be it. Like, hit me, really,

(20:21):
your parents were in the day before My parents were
into Wilco, before I was into Wilco. They got me
into Wilco. They got me into Dave. They didn't get
me into Dave, but they had Dave CDs laying around,
so I guess they did. They got me in the Beatles,
they got me into Taylor Swift. Just kidding. That was
my own doing. But um, yeah, I mean they're cooler
than I am. Yeah. My dad's music, he got into

(20:42):
Traveling will Berries. Well that was like he felt cool listening. Well,
it's all right done and Dan Dan Yeah, I remember that.
My dad loved that song to you know, they loved um.
My parents always used to because my mom and add
or my dad is a musician and sings and when

(21:03):
they get a little uh, they throw a couple back.
They like to just stay up all night singing together.
And my my my best friend in fourth grade, Kirsten
through middle school used to think my parents were religious
because they were obsessed with what if God was one
of us? That Joan Osborne song, which is not. They
liked it because it was like, actually, like kind of

(21:25):
an atheist anthem. But Kirsten thought my parents were like,
if God was, yeah, a lot of face what you
want whatever? We're singing a lot on this. I can't
say a lot of songs that are against religion, just
if if you don't listen closely, you just assume it's like, oh,

(21:48):
all about religion. A song with my dad by the
Avit Brothers David Brothers called True Sadness. It's honestly my
favorite song. I actually got the idea from Who's the
Who's the there's a fucking journalist who did a Rolling
Stone article where no, it's a journalist that I've become
friends with since then through Twitter, and I wanted to
brag that I'm friends with him anyway. I read a

(22:09):
Rolling Stone piece with him where they asked him what
his favorite song is, and I love those like celebrity,
like just your favorite song, and then I always go
listen to the song. And this song True Sadness by
the Avid Brothers is the best song. It's like this
happy song but about like beneath everything, everyone's just so
so so sad and there. And I wanted to learn
the song to play with my dad, and I wanted
to sing it and have him play guitar. This was

(22:30):
before I was playing guitar. And there's one line that
it was like even though the Kingdom of God is
within you, and it says Kingdom of God. And my
dad was like, I don't want to learn that song.
It's about God, and I'm like, it's it's just the
concept of God still exists, Dad, people still think there's God.
We can still sing about it. So I never got
to sing. But that's why I learned the guitar myself.

(22:52):
Maybe he could take that lyric off and let you
just sing that one by himself. He could just mouth
into that song today. It's so it's it's a cheery song,
but it's actually and it's like that that thing I
post on Instagram where that dinosaur is doing stand up
and it's crying and I said, it's like every performer,
everyone's just sad underneath everything. It's what inspires us to do.
Everything is like sadness and fear. How do you sleep

(23:13):
last night? Sometime in the couch where you're sitting right now,
I know you you um why? I don't know. Sometimes
I need a TV and some open space and and
there's more down here. I don't know what was going
on in my brain. Yeah, you had a little rough day.
We had a long day yesterday on set. Um worked
all day. Yeah, it was a great day though. It

(23:33):
was such a good day. I like working more than
not working. It's just it's this show is my favorite
thing I've ever done, next to Dancing with the Stars
and this podcast. Obviously we do the I mean certain
days are more important than other or just they're bigger
for us. Yeah, but those big days that we had
yesterday are the best days. We're just at this amazing
house all day long shooting different scenes and it's honestly,

(23:57):
you guys, I this show is like I can't believe
I get to be The show is my ideal, ideal job.
Like I've never had a job that fits me more
than actually podcasting is my ideal. But in terms of
on camera, this job nails it for me. I mean
seeing Flavor Flavor every day, I mean it's he has

(24:20):
always been someone that I've wanted in my sphere. Yeah,
I know, you always had that clock around your neck. Yeah,
I mean I have I wear a sundial around my
neck because I'm just trying to be green about it,
and he respects that, and I just he's just an
easy guy to work with. At least people are really
going to write and being like are you working with Flavor?
Flav are going to go crazy. They're going to go

(24:44):
bash it. So I slept good less. I mean I
haven't been sleeping great, but my voices on the mend.
I'm just like feeling a lot of feelings. I'm just
like enthusiastic all the time. I'm just so happy, you know.
I I've got like crushes and like when if I've

(25:04):
got a crush, I am just a little happy camper
and if I have a great job on top of that, Literally,
nothing is wrong with my life right now. I don't
even know who that person is where nothing is wrong
with my life. I mean that's I love to hear that.
I really trying to think of anything wrong. Um um

(25:24):
i um, I mean maybe you don't have to search
for it. Why do we search for things that are
wrong because it's kind of fun. It's fun to find
one to find the thing that's wrong with your life,
and it's so stupid, and then you go, O, my
live is pretty great if that's the only thing wrong.
I get spray tan on everything because I'm not getting
spray tans, and so I have to paint my body
every night and it so everything I own is orange.

(25:46):
That's the only thing going on with my life. And
guess what, it's not that bad because I got other
people do it. Might laundry, I gotta do it, Christa stuff. No. There.
It is funny though, if you tried to hide like
it's hard for like like if a murderer was trying
to find you, like you would just followed the tan. Yeah,
I mean you can follow the tan. I mean I
got it on my dress last night that was supposed
to be like a perfect, immaculate dress, and my makeup artist,

(26:07):
I turned around. My makeup artist goes because the wardrobe
stylists is so scared about getting tan on everything, and
the makeup artist puts it on, and so she felt
responsible even though it was my fault. I got it
on the dress and Robin goes and I turned around
and go what and she's like, um, the wreck moved
and I'm like what and she's like she's straight up
lied to my goddamn face. And then Julie, the wardrobe girl,

(26:29):
sees it and goes, I know there's tan there, and
Robin's like, that's what I was talking, That's what I
gasped at. I'm like, why can't you just just be
on it? But it was I was like, I understand
lying in that moment you were scared, and I go,
it's not ship. It is tan because it looks like
a streak of ship and it could have been last night.
I'll tell you what I'm I got a little I
got like right before we taped. I was like, I

(26:51):
gotta go. And then it was one of those that
you just like, it's not, it's not. It reminded me
of on Parks and Wreck when Andy's character says doctor,
I keep wiping and it's like it won't stop. It's
like I'm I'm wiping a marker. They always makes you
think of that. Um, I mean, if I'm taking like most,

(27:12):
I would say ninety percent of my number two's are
like barely anything on the first wipe. What, Yeah, I
mean I have really clean. We have different assholes. I'll
tell you that. Really, you looking at a lot of
like that lollipop boy, I would say old owls, like

(27:36):
like bipes your asshole finally, just to get to the center,
it'd be great. I don't know, I'm probably a good
Do you use wet wipes? No? Because of the environment,
you said, you yelled at me when I put them
in toilet. Put them in the trash can. Don't in
the trash can. Just ball it up and stick it
at the bottom shipping. Okay, let's get to the news.

(27:59):
We got some good stories coming up with you, did
I Did I hear your first? What you got first? Andrew? Oh? Man,
I hope first of all, I'm not only do I
hope people are having fun out there. I hope people
are having a lot of fun. Oh my god? Whoa?
And also, you have all the swells you can have? Yeah,

(28:20):
I I agree with that. I mean, just smile out there.
I'm looking at the ocean right now, and I'm looking
at swells. I think there are those swells. Yeah, are
sweet having swells out there? Okay, the first already got.
Amazon apologizes for saying that their workers don't have to
pee in bottles. So funny that the fact that Amazon

(28:43):
workers peeing in bottles is not the headline itself. It's
that Amazon apologizes for not acknowledging that this is a
thing that happens all the time because they I guess
someone someone made a statement because they're trying to unionize
and I believe Alabama, yes and don't they're not allowing it.
And someone made a comment about the about how they

(29:05):
make workers p and water bottles and they go, that's
just to hearsay, that's not really a story. Amazon was like, yeah, yeah,
show us proof of that, and then they had all
the proof that was like honestly, like in articles and like,
you know, substantiated Is that a word? I don't know.
It's a big word. It is a word that I
could have made up. Does it work here? Who knows?

(29:25):
Is a made up word still a word? I think? So? Hey,
substantior dated? Yeah? No? I mean, look Amazon, I feel
like Amazon is in the news every day for people
just like talking shit about it. It's like Amazon on
the show. If you're an Amazon worker right into the
show the Nikki Glazer Podcast at Gmail, and um, don't

(29:46):
give us Like, guys, if you're running into the show,
let's let's keep it a little bit shorter if you can,
just because we get a lot of mail and like
one paragraph would be perfect, like five sentences, and then um,
if we need more information, we can follow up and
get more from you. But you can just keep but short.
That way, it just as shots that will read your thing.
Because when we get a huge letter, it's like we
look at that and we go, oh, that's probably a

(30:06):
death threat of some sort, and then we we just
move on because what we don't know won't kill us. Yes,
it could also send with newspaper cutout wisping that it's
it takes too long. You gotta scan it, just type
a couple of senses in it. Well. To send it digitally,
you gotta scanner and that's all. You got to buy
a scanner or you gotta get the scan app. And
it's just a whole process. And there's an inn app

(30:27):
purchases and you don't want to get hold into something
that you're only gonna use once, and you're gonna pay
for down the road because you don't cancel your subscription,
you get it. So I do like that this guy's
combining old school with new school. Though yeah, he facts
is us stuff too, and we didn't even give that
a fact number. So anyway, if you work at Amazon
and we'd like to hear from you, I want to
hear what's going on in there? What is it? Andrew
Jeff Bezos has such a punchable face. Oh my god,

(30:50):
does he ever? I mean, he probably has the most
punchable face on. It looks like one of those dolls
you would blow up and like you punch them and
they like rock back and come back. He looks like
dr Evil. He did abs like worked out. God. I
think you know what's annoying about this? That that annoys
me about what is that skilled workers versus unskilled workers.
That whole thing of like, well, they're replaceable, so we

(31:12):
could have them just peeing like we don't have to
care about them. They're not worth anything because they're unskilled,
of you know, just people not being paid enough for
jobs because rich people are so fucking greedy. I read
a tweet today that said I don't mind paying higher
taxes to help out people who make less money than me.

(31:35):
But I have a big problem paying higher taxes because
people who are richer than me don't want to pay them.
And it's so true, go fund yourself if you're rich.
I understand wanting to accrue wealth, and I understand as
someone who has more money than I need myself. I'm
speaking as one of those people. It's disgusting that and

(31:56):
I look forward to paying more taxes. I literally do,
and I think that I should. I need to give
more of my wealth away. Everyone should. I know you're like,
but I have children. You don't need ten million dollars
for your three children. They'll be okay. Guess what. The
world ain't gonna be around that much longer, so they
don't need that much. I'm just tired of all these

(32:18):
excuses of wanting to have more wealth. Don't you already? What? What?
What more do you need? Andrew? Do you want to
speak to this side of things. I know we've already
talked about this before, but years and we all take
a little bit of a pay cut because I don't
think that the business could be profitable if you pay
that much. That's all, but yes, yes, it could be. Honestly,

(32:40):
McDonald's just acknowledged that if they raised them and I
was looking at headlines, if they acknowledged that they raised
their um wages, they would still be profitable. They just
like found that research. I don't know if they're going
to do anything with that issue, the economic issue. If
I could just put in least my uh, you know,

(33:00):
like what I've been reading is that, yeah, Amazon could
certainly afford to increase their wage, and so could McDonald's.
But then what do the smaller businesses who like aren't
as profitable and like global like Amazon and McDonald raise
their raise their prices. Oh and then the people and

(33:22):
that affects the loan and everything goes up. Who can't
afford to pay? All? Right? Well I don't. This isn't freakonomics,
you guys, And so I'm talking about turn. I'm sorry
sharing it get a lot of angry emails that are
up to five sentences long about why I'm wrong, But
probably I'm sorry. You should be giving more money. Ten
percent of your money you should give to charity at
least um um. What what do you think? Here's the

(33:49):
thing with Amazon? We could all just stop shopping there. Um,
that's that's what I wanted to get into. Is there
anything from Amazon? And over a year and a half,
I'm very proud of myself. Awesome. Seriously, it is so
hard to cut down on Amazon. I am absolutely addicted
to the fast um getting whatever I want very quickly.
I try to now, but look for things elsewhere. I'm

(34:11):
not great about it. I am probably down. Um. I
would say six with my Amazon orders, and I was
gonna say eighty, but I wanted to be honest with
you guys. It is probably down six. I can do better.
But Robin, my makeup silist, just got these really cute
tank tops and I was like, where the hell did
you get those? Those are perfectly fitting? And she was
like Amazon. I was like, fuck, I was very late

(34:33):
to Amazon. I didn't I didn't shop at Amazon until this.
You've ever gotten a bottle of piss from Amazon? They
have the best good and it's there filled with like
just stress hormones and sleeplessness, and it's really um viscus.
You know what I love about is you ordered, it's
there in thirty minutes. They're just standing outside with your piss. Yeah,

(34:54):
it's they just toss it in your yard driving by.
It's just killing a bottle. And by the way, these
are all men, because women cannot piss in a goddamn
gatorade bottle. Even if you're giving us a bigger hole
with gatorade, I'm talking about a water bottle. Most of
the time, guys can put their little pe hole up
against because we don't know where our pe hole really
comes from. It is like a leak on a cave.

(35:16):
It just kind of comes out. It's like a Jesus
statue crying and and you know you can't and feel
with your whole where the hole comes from. Now I
pe hole. I just know that it comes from down there,
is it? It's definitely below the clip obviously clips like
the top part, but it's like literally like a little slit.

(35:39):
It's like a crack that you wouldn't be able to see,
Like I mean, I'm sure you'd be able to see,
but I just haven't gotten that close. In My point though,
is like if you have a gatorade bottle still like
thin you don't have unless you have a strong stream.
It kind of just like splatters. It comes out as
soon as it comes out of the hole. It sticks
to the side. You know, when you have like, um,

(36:01):
a leak in a ceiling and it kind of the
water travel to the right and then drips. That's if
you're and when you're peeing in front of people, are
into a bottle. It's really hard to come out of
the gate with a full stream, um and like a
powerful stream and usually trickles and then you have a
big old mess. Let's get to the next story. Have

(36:22):
you ever tried it, by the way, Yeah, I've had
to do it when I was stuck in traffic and
how did that the car? Uh no, because we had
a really big cop A big gulp. But but you'll
be surprised how quickly you fill up a cop and
how much p because you have no idea how much
you're pissing when it's just into a toilet, old big
guld pussy glazier. Yep, they all right next door. Here

(36:44):
we go, Hey, having fun. I hope so, I hope
people are having a great time out there. They need
to figure out that men with psychopathic tendencies are better
at faking remorse and tricking people into gaining their trust. Yes,
So they did a study where they had a bunch
of men on a college campus thousands UM do a
study where they had to UM tell a story where

(37:07):
they hurt someone. Uh, and then they had to apology
fake an apology for it. No, what was that right?
So forty six men participated and recorded themselves on video
telling a story where they showed and the six hundred
college students watched the videos watched it. Okay, so they
have forty six men. And then they also had those

(37:28):
men take UM a psychopath task or like rating along
as So these weren't like. These were men with that
at psychopathic tendencies. I think out of forty six people,
you'd be lucky to find a psychopath. But we all
are guys, I guess on a sliding scale. The men
that were more psychopathic were better at faking remorse, which
psychopaths I don't believe are capable of even that emotion,

(37:50):
but they're so good at being manipulative and getting what
they want and exploiting people that they have. Actually, UM
and the people that rated psychopaths or like write it
rated all these guys based on like how true they
felt their remorse was. The psychopath not only UM came

(38:12):
out as like the ones that seemed most earnest, but
they were able to deceive the people ranking these people.
The thousands of scholarge students watching these videos also took
a personality test to measure their emotionality and how emotional
they are, and emotional women were more deceived by psychopaths
than normal people that have a regular emotionality. So it's

(38:36):
almost like, uh biologically, psychopaths have been uh wired to
take advantage of emotional women more than anyone else. So ladies,
watch out. What's the difference between psychopath and sociopath? Um?
I'm not sure, but a sociopath is often um it's

(38:57):
also called now I think the proper term forward is
antisocial personality disorder, and I don't think psychopaths necessarily are violent.
Although male psychopaths are much more common and and just
a more diagnosed, it's not that they're more common because
a psychopathic trait is violence, and women aren't as prone

(39:17):
to violence. So much like a d h D or
any kind of personality disorder, they display different ways in women.
So here we have that some experts see sociopaths is
hot headed. They act without thinking how others would be affected.
Psychopaths are more cold hearted and calculating. So, um, sociopaths
don't have as much control, it seems as psychopaths. And um,

(39:40):
they carefully plot their moves and use aggression in a
planned out way to get what they want. Okay, so um, wow,
psychopaths seem to do more homework. Yes, psychopaths are probably
a little bit more intelligent. And um, just I mean
I read this one book called like uh, in the
Mind of a Psychopath or can Passions of a Psychopath

(40:01):
And it's this woman who wrote a book as anonymously
as a psychopath, and it opens with her torturing an animal.
I mean, these are like the things that it was
so and then I watched this video. You guys gotta
watch it. It's like an interview with a someone who
has a antisocial personality disorder. It's this black guy. It's
this kid who interviews really interesting people, burn victims, just

(40:21):
people with like weird facial disfigurements, people with like crazy
personality disorders, and he interviews them very blatantly. I forget
his name. Um, but if you look it up and
you look up an interview with antisocial personality disorder, you'll
find it. It's this black guy. That is like talking
very bluntly the camera, answering all these questions. It's fascinating.
He just goes, yeah, I mean, I I don't do it.

(40:42):
I'm I'm a sociopath pretty much, but I I don't
feel things. I rarely feel things, and everything I do
is in order to make my life better. So I'm
not capable of romantic love. But if I meet a
woman who loving her and giving her the love she
needs makes my life better than I can do it.

(41:05):
But I'm never going to actually have human love for
her the way other people need it. But also that
doesn't mean that a woman can't love it sociopath, because
maybe someone just needs someone to act love like love
languages people go, oh, like, if my love language is touched,
and you were a couple and you don't really like touching,
but you give that to me because I need it,

(41:26):
How is that not sociopathic Because you're not really actually
enjoying the touch. You're doing it to make me happy,
which will then make you happy. Right, I know, I
see what you're saying with that. I think like like
is being a psychopath if they're calculated and they're only
doing things for their own selfish gain. But it's somehow
like nice to you, you know, like you can actually

(41:47):
be a good psychopath. Like I think we put psychopaths
in bad light, you know, start they I think they're
incurable too, So I have a lot of empathy for psychopaths,
even though that's something they can't all Right, So let's
get to why do I care? Why do you care?
Why do I care? Why do I care? Andrew story Today,

(42:09):
Kin says she knows at least four actors hiding their
sexuality due to homophobia in Hollywood. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.
I would figure it'd be more. There's just common there's
just when you moved to Hollywood, you just find out
a couple of things. You know, you you you get

(42:29):
when you get in the business. Your eyes are open
to these these secrets that are just everyone knows the truth,
but everyone just turns a blind eye to it. So
there's there's definitely closeted men. It's almost it's I would
say every male actor is rumored to be KA at
one point or another, and then I would say those
rumors are true. I'm kidding with that number, but you'd

(42:53):
be shocked the people I've heard were gay. I just
can't even believe. And if you want to, if you
want to read who speculate did, go to the reddit
um thread about this. There's a news story and read
it that this is where I found this new story.
And in the comments are just stories upon stories about
who they who they know, and all these stories about
who's who's gay, and you know, it's it's none of

(43:15):
our business, truly. But the reason they the reason they're
closeted is because you know, you know, actors in theater,
like everyone supports gay people, that Hollywood's very like loves
gay people. But for big box office actors, studios are
fucking terrified to put a gay lead in because as
a romantic lead or whatever. It's just it's it's too

(43:37):
much of a risk for them for whatever reason. And
um and it's pretty sad that these actors have to
like just live these they they they they love their
their um art more than you know truly who they
really are. So they have to like sneak around, which,
by the way, sneaking around can be very hot, but
what it would be a tortuous way to live. And
I feel really bad for people who are closeted yeah,

(44:00):
especially with paparazzi, Like you couldn't go out to dinner
with your boyfriends. This guy on Reddit was saying that
he watches all these or he listens to a podcast,
a paparazzi podcast, and all these paparazzi just talk about
how this one actor has all these boyfriends driving him
around and like if they're not drivers, because they're all
a type of boy and they're all a type of guy,
and it's like a type of car that wouldn't be

(44:21):
a driver's car. And it's like they just know he's
gay and they don't like and paparazzi are not going
to imply that someone's gay because if they and no magazines,
by the way, you go, why doesn't US Weekly break
with the story that this actor is gay when all
these paparazzi has seen him be gay a million times?

(44:43):
And it's because US Weekly if that if they come
out and say that actor is gay, that actor's publicists
will never let them have their other clients, so then
they'll get cut off from Beyonce and other clients that
they have. So no one's willing to break someone's and
that's it's like you a huge no, no, obviously to
out someone. And it's also like they're just good people. Yeah, yeah,

(45:06):
pop Rozi are really actually the ones that I've encountered
are good people. They're just like photographers that you know,
just realize, oh, I can make a lot of money
doing this this thing. Yeah, it's just nice so that
they have good hearts at us weekly that they you know,
I mean, everyone's trying their best and I feel bad
for it's yes, but they're not. You know, you gotta

(45:27):
why do we care so much about someone's sexuality. It's like,
do whatever the fun you want. And then because sex
is fascinating, and secrets are fascinating, and gossip is fascinating,
and celebrities are fascinating because it's it's people we all know.
It's like, you know, it's like family. You know, it's
like there's it's it's insane that a whole globe can

(45:49):
know one person like it's like your uncle, you know,
like and have this kind of relationship with them. So
that's why celebrities are fun. They bring us together, like
we're all family. Do you think they're aging and stuff?
We gotta go. Okay, next time for listener mail. You guys,
send it in. We kind of read it, or at
least Noah does. She's found some goodies for us. Let's
get into it. Thanks for writing in. You can write

(46:10):
in anything you want. Advice, uh, comments, questions, just confessions.
We gotta guys. Kids really catching on. Um. I love
it so much. When I hear it said, I heard
people in this girl whoever said this in nailed it.
So someone said, our listener is the bestie said I
can't remember how co was spelled. Listen spelled however you want.

(46:32):
It's ceou aposter e h L but close enough regardless.
When I was twenty two, I bought a Gucci watch
that I couldn't afford. It was like a thousand dollars.
My self esteem was such that when I would go
out to the bar or wherever, I would sit with
my risk kind of out in a prominent position so
that hopefully people would notice and give me a compliment. Sincerely,
a best friend. I love that you knew you were co.

(46:56):
We've all been that way where you like try to
show off this you thing you got, you idiots. But
a thousand dollars on a watch, that's and oh my god, Andrew,
you relate to this right. Yeah, dude, I spent on
a pan or I watched that was forty millimeters, which
is gigantic. Gigantic. When did you get a watch for?

(47:17):
I did very well for I told you, for three days,
I was very rich. Would you do with watch? Um?
Actually I got it on sale because my buddy's a
diamond dealer, So I got it for like thirty seven
hundred and then I went broke, and then I owed
the government a ton of money. I had to sell
the watch, and I actually made about four dollars on
the watch. It was my only good investor. My god,

(47:40):
but I used to I know exactly what this person
you would wear the watch. Read somewhere that watches got
chicks or like something happened where I got you saw
a guy with a watch. Friends that were like very
successful and hot had the pain or eye. So I
was like, once I got money, I got the great
pan Or I and I was freaking few in myself

(48:00):
and you know what it did for my sex life? Nothing? Yeah.
I do love a good watch though on a guy.
But you can't have dirty shoes and a watch like
a watch isn't gonna save you unless everything else is
kind of tight. Well that's what guys did, a rock
of Rolex and then they dressed like ship and then
they're like, I'm rich, but I'm also like sucking whatever
it is. Someone told me to get a Rolex. Recently,

(48:20):
you have people are like steering me towards rolexy is
I think I would you can get it In short,
I know, and it would be fine, but I feel
like I would get a damage. I would lose it.
And I also think it's just so stupid to spend
that much money on a thing that, honestly, you wear
a watch that's your great grand grandfather's watch, just a
grandpa he would. I asked Andrew what the time was,

(48:42):
and he goes, I don't have my phone on me.
I go, you have a watch on you and he goes,
it doesn't work. Yeah, that app doesn't work on the
watch he was just using is And I go, can
you are you d m NG on that watch? Like
what's happening? Why is that watching? It was just for look,
I mean it was just a bracelet at the point.
You were wearing a bracelet with hands. Yeah, well here's
the thing to watch works, but I have to wind

(49:02):
it every couple of days. It doesn't matter whether or
not have to wind it. When you were wearing it,
it did not work. It did not serve a function
other than just being a bracelet. So you were wearing
a bracelet. Yeah, my Grandpa's bracelet for your That was
a great cut. Also, we got a letter from the Netherlands,
because we know where that is. Um, this is dear Nikki,
Andrew and Noah. Since we're best friends now and Nicki

(49:25):
mentioned that she wanted to visit the Netherlands. Let me
plead Nicki Andrew to please come to a show. In answer, Dan,
you'd love it here. The crowd is very international. And
a personal note, I've been a fan of Nikki Sinces
Sarah on The Fix, which is a Netflix show, and
last year I got diagnosed with incurable cancer and Nikki's
Daley podcast really helped me a lot. Even though our
troubles were very different, I felt a strong connection. Thank
you so much. I'm really glad there is a new podcast,
and it's great that Noah and Andrew are now part

(49:46):
of the conversation. You three make a great team. Love
jeroin ps Holland is a part of the Netherlands. The
country is officially named the Netherlands actually Kingdom of the
nether Littlands. But w t F is what he says. Um, Jerroin,
I don't if you're a boy or a girl, but
I'm so sorry about your incurable cancer and sounds like
you have a great positive attitude and that's got to

(50:08):
be a fucking mind fuck to just know that you
have something that's gonna take you out one day. Um,
and I'm really sorry for that. But UM, I am
very inspired by the tone of your letter, and thank
you for relating to the podcast I did over the
summer in which literally I thought I kind of had
a terminal illness, to be honest with you, because a

(50:30):
lot of ways depression can seem that way, like I
this is gonna kill me eventually, you know. So I
don't know if you're referring to that is what you
related to, but UM, thank you so much for writing in.
Do you want to say anything to this person just that,
thanks for clearing up the Netherlands thing. I'm sorry about
your cancer. That no, Darron, I I know he loved that,

(50:54):
and I like it is amazing because I think if
I had incurable I couldn't had an email like this
that was like, I know that's your biggest fair have
writing an email. Yeah, well you know, yes, all right,
we gotta get to the next one. This is an advice.
We'll give some advice. She says, I'm a twenty seven
year old girl who hasn't had sex for the past

(51:15):
year and four months. Year and four months. My celibacy
isn't for religious reasons, more so the fact that I'm
tired of sleeping with guys who just don't care about
me and eventually goes shortly after hooking up. Girl a failure.
That's why I haven't had sex in Shune of two
thousand nineteen, and that was only with the next boyfriend,
who I already knew was not going to ever love me.

(51:36):
And before that, the last time I vulnerably had sex
with someone new was probably like eight years ago. So,
she says, my best friend is recently single and has
a handful of short short term hookups and had a
handful of short term hook ups immediately after. Since January,
she's had a bit of a dry spell. She keeps
complaining how she hasn't had sex in such a long

(51:56):
time and it's getting annoying hearing about her complain because
it happens often. She always prefaces the comment like, I
know you're the last person I should be complaining too,
But I want to be a good friend in a
sounding board. But it's getting frustrating for me to hear
about her dry spell when I've been struck in this
but when I've been stuck in the sahara for well
over a year. Have you ever had to deal with
something like this? Any tips for me? Rebecca? Oh, Rebecca,

(52:21):
I hear you, and I think you should still keep
your plan to not sleep with people who don't care
about you, because, as I've said a million times before,
men after they orgasm, especially if it's vaginal penetration, they
definitely their interest for you goes down a lot, and
it'd be best to wait until a man, you know,
a man loves you like truly loves you romantically however

(52:42):
that feels to you, before you let him inside you,
because you are risking abandonment afterwards, and it's not even
their fault. They're biologically wired to abandon us after they come,
because we're all wired to be like you know, on
the great planes, living in tribes and a guy to
comfort you and cuddle you after he comes is a
waste of his energy as a caveman or whatever. So

(53:03):
it's not their fault that men get turned off after
they come. But we have to go into sexual relationships
knowing that that is a huge possibility. And for me,
it's become like I am terrified of men coming at
at my hand because I don't want to be abandoned
because it's happened so many times where we even joke
about it beforehand, like you're probably gonna not like me

(53:25):
after this, and they're like yeah, right, and then afterwards
they still shut down. It's it's like I have been
traumatized by it, So I get where you're at. But um,
but the friend thing, Just tell your friend be honest
with your friend. Say listen, friend, I when you constantly

(53:47):
preface things with I know you're the last person I
should be taking that really feels bad to me. Just
speak from your feelings to your friend and your friend
will probably get defensive because she doesn't understand her feelings.
But um, I think just and I think you should
have an open discussion about why you've been waiting and
maybe why your friends should maybe do the same thing

(54:10):
and not be trying to fill her holes, to fill
a hole in her soul and um and get the
get the book. Uh what's it called Getting Too I Do?
And read that together and learn about why, uh why
it's so hard to get a man to commit and
learn how to actually get a man to commit. It's

(54:31):
called Getting Too I Do, and it's by Dr Pat Allen,
And I think create a book club with this girl.
But a friend constantly bragging or like talking complaining about
things that you like if incurable cancel cancer writer had
a friend that was constantly, you know, complaining about a
canker store. That's just a lack of empathy and a
friendship that you would probably expect. So you just need

(54:53):
you need to be honest. And I know that's scary
because your friend might go, well, I can't even be
honest with you. It's just like what I'm feeling. Well,
then that's probably not a good friend if they're not
going to hear you out. Andrew, what do you think
I think she should suck me? All right? Well, thank
you to our listeners for writing in um final thought

(55:14):
Andrew many final thoughts for the show so far. I mean,
I uh yeah, it was a great show, a lot
of singing. It was a fun roller coaster of the show.
And fingered on this roller coaster. We talked about that
on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fear fear bro. I uh, yeah, no,
this is a great show. I love hearing back from

(55:36):
the listeners, I really do. I think it's like it
makes me feel more connected to them, like, oh, we're
not just speaking into the ether, like, oh, there are
people listening that you know, with incurable cancer and they're
laughing from us like that. One lady put a post
up of you know, her Darren chemo. They're listening to
us and laughing like a woman. Yeah, she was getting

(55:57):
chemo and she was like, oh, I'm listening to the
nicku Lazer podcasts and it was so touching. And I
said to Andrew, I go, that's so sweet that I go.
It's funny, though. I bet a lot of listeners are
going through worse things than that when they're listening, you know,
just like in the car with their screaming kids, like
just staring despondently at the pavement ahead of them as
they drive and contemplate they have like anore No. But

(56:18):
I mean, like you know Chemo. We always go, oh
my god, that's the worst thing. And then I'm not
to say that it's not. It's obviously like so terrible.
But I think that a lot of people listen to
podcasts when they're going through like a job that is
just sucking their soul, or they're sitting and across from
a husband who's playing video games who doesn't love them
anymore and they feel like they need to leave, or
they're a wife who just hate your guts, and it's

(56:41):
probably cheating on you. Like, people are going through terrible
things while they're listening to us all the time, and
I really appreciate it. I do podcasts get me through
such terrible times when I'm depressed, and um, I listen
to us when you're happy, listen to us when you're depressed,
right to us. I love you so much, besties. Yeah,
and also like chemost terrible. No I was, I know,

(57:02):
I'm being chemos fucking awful, and my heart goes out
to and our listener. I loved her so much. I um,
it was because my dad was a cancer doctor. I
would see. I had to work there over this summer,
and you know how much of a hypochondriac. I am,
and I would have to. That must have been so
hard for you working with people with cancer. I'm just kidding,

(57:24):
but seeing like people with chemo, like and my dad
went through chemo. Uh so I'm just trying to play
the victim here so I could get laid by that
girl who hasn't been late in a year. Oh, I
think you're mixing up, are you. I thought you were
talking about the person who might be a girl who
no not her, although I would, I would that person

(57:46):
to listen. If you're make a wish is to bang
Andrew Colin, we can make it happen. We are not
making fun of cancer here. We are only making jokes
because life is so fucking terrible and if you can't laugh,
how are you going to get through it? Um? I
love you guys. I hope you're all healthy and safe
and um, thank you for being our best friends. Thank

(58:06):
you for being our best friends. Tomorrow and hit me up.
If you're Sahara girl, it's not her name. She drives
the Shara Rebecca. She drives the Sahara Rebecca. Sahara. Hit
Andrew up and uh, he'll take a gander at your
profile or I'll talk to your friend that's been a

(58:27):
big best friends