May 19, 2024 • 25 mins
Today we’re doing something a little different. I am sharing an episode of another podcast. It’s called ADHD Aha! And it’s hosted by Laura Key. It includes candid stories from people who share the moment it clicked that they, or someone they know, has ADHD. I wanted to do this because I know from talking to our audience that ADHD is something that many of you are experiencing.
I hope you give it a listen, and if it resonates, give ADHD Aha! Podcast a follow.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, Today we're doing something a little bit different.
I'm sharing an episode of another podcast. It's called adhd Aha.
It includes candid stories from people who share the moment
it clicked that they or someone they know has ADHD.
And I wanted to do this because I know from
talking to our audience that ADHD is something that many
(00:20):
of you are experiencing. And I really liked this podcast
and I thought it talked about it in really interesting
and useful ways. I recently listened to the episode titled
not Lazy but Exhausted from Analysis Paralysis and thought there
might be some listeners out there who could relate to
Emily's story. Laura and Emily dive deep into some of
(00:41):
the common challenges of living with ADHD, exploring what true
mental exhaustion feels like, and also sharing real struggles of
suffering from analysis paralysis. I hope you give it a listen,
and if it resonates, give adhd Aha podcast a follow.
And now here is the EP.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
What looks like somebody just like sitting relaxing, not wanting
to do anything, you know, watching a show, looking at
their phone is actually describing the analysis paralysis. And I just
felt like I was in that every day you are
just sitting there screaming at yourself to get up and
do something, and as the time ticks by, you're like, great,
now you have five less minutes to do this thing.
(01:23):
Now you have five Now what's the point.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
From the Understood podcast Network, this is adhd Aha, a
podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked
that they or someone they know has ADHD. My name
is Laura Key. I'm the editorial director here at Understood,
and as someone who's had my own adhd aha moment,
I'll be your host. I'm here today with Emily Weinberg.
(01:57):
Emily is a listener who wrote in who said that
she's been listening since we started the show, so grateful
for that. Emily is also an ADHD coach who is
located outside of Boston. You can find her at adhd
with Emily dot com. Emily, thank you so much for
being here today.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Thanks for having me.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Oh, there goes the Emily and I are laughing to
the fire alarm just went off? Did you hear it?
As soon as I introduced you.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
This is amazing.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
It's part of it. Now, Okay, I don't think I
need to evacuate the building. But you know, if you
see smoke behind me, please let me know and I'll
go running out. If only this were a video episode
so everyone could see the flashing lights.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
It looks like like a laser beam, like one of
those like school photos where you had like the lasers
behind you.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Oh my gosh, I know exactly what you mean. And
it's not a big deal. You know, we're not people
who get distracted at all. It's just an interview about ADHD.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Totally tune that out.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Well, thank you for being at this circus with me today, Emily.
I'm excited to chat with you. Thank you for being
a listener for so long. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Yeah, of course, I mean thank you for putting out
such good content my pleasure.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Okay, we're going to talk about your diagnosis. We're going
to get to that, but I want to start with
a biggie, if that's all right with you.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Sure.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
When we chatted last you told me you used to
describe yourself as a lazy person. Could you just unpack that?
Why did you think you were a lazy person?
Speaker 2 (03:23):
I was not a driven by a motor brand of ADHD.
I honestly feel like I never had an abundance of energy.
I could nap whenever given the option of napping, and
(03:43):
I mostly just didn't feel super driven to do a
million things unless you know, I know, in high school,
like when I was playing sports, Yeah, of course i'd
go to practice afterwards, and you know, in those months
when I played sports, I would be doing doing, and
then in the in between, I just didn't do much.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
And as an.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Adult, it's like any time I could just sit and
quote unquote relax, I would, And I the term lazy.
I really hate it so much now, but it did
just kind of feel like laziness, like I don't really
feel like doing much. And obviously, what I know now
(04:24):
it's that I did have a bunch of things I
probably wanted to do and still want to do, but
sometimes that feels overwhelming when there's so many different options
and you're not quite sure what to do. And also
I really was tired often, you know, and I predit
that to just like mental exhaustion of like a really
(04:45):
fast moving brain and making choices and decisions all day
and trying to plan ahead and not really being able
to see ahead, and just you know, everything that happens
within the brain of somebody with ADHD. I was exhausted
all the time. I didn't feel like I had a
great reason to be exhausted at times, because it's not
like I had been out training for a marathon or
(05:07):
running all over the place or whatever. But I was
just often tired.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Yeah, and just listeners, you need to hear this. Emily
is not a lazy person. And I hope you hear that.
Emily knows that she's not a lazy person, right, right, right.
I wanted to start there because it's just such a
stark contrast with how we usually perceive people with ADHD.
Tell me more about the exhaustion in your brain and
how that kind of transferred to the body.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
It's like, I can't even tell you. Oh, I remember
in high school just having like a million thoughts a
moment and my brain was constantly racing. It's more now, like,
of in hindsight, this is now what I know about ADHD.
It makes a lot of sense that if my brain
was just always on and thinking and processing and trying
(05:50):
to figure the things out. It makes a lot of
sense then that that would be completely and totally exhausting.
I know, as an adult now. One of the things
that really exhausts me the most is just like decision making.
I used to be a teacher. I mean, you make
four million choices every day as a teacher. So teaching
(06:13):
is exhausting period. No other explanation, but man, I just
came home and it was like, I can't tell you
what I want for dinner. I can't tell you which
show I want to watch. I could barely walk my
dog and like think about what route I wanted to
walk him on.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
It was just so you're talking really about analysis paralysis,
but not in your more formal areas of life, not
in work life. It sounds like, but when you get
home and it's just you and you may have an
option for there's not something you have to do. Now
you have a different kind of choice to make.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Yeah, And I have never felt that part the analysis
paralysis so strongly as you and I had. My kids.
Their nap times were like torture for me because I
think every single nap time they had I immediately went
into that analysis paralysis. Exhausted, can't do anything, didn't do anything,
(07:14):
just like spin cycle. It's like they'd go to nap
when they're really little. You have no idea how much
time you're going to have, So that's like your first challenge, Right,
Do I have twenty minutes? Do I have forty minutes?
You're exhausted, you just want to sit down for a minute.
But sitting down for a minute for me meant sitting
down for the remainder, but not relaxing, not taking an
(07:37):
intentional I'm tired, I need to do nothing while they nap,
so I'm sitting here on the couch. It was not
an intentional decision. It was I would like to sit
down for five minutes and then do something. But the
five minutes of quote unquote rest turns into are they
going to wake up in twenty minutes? Do I have
two hours? Do I have laundry to do? Should I
(07:59):
do the dishes? Should I organized stuff? And then I
get so exhausted in those five minutes, and then I'm like, well,
now I only maybe have fifteen minutes, so and it's
just it was such a cycle.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
That happens to me a lot too. It's so emotional
as well. I will when I'm transitioning from anything work
or parenting related to none of the above. It's like
I'm just going to take five minutes. I just need
five minutes. It's always thirty minutes at least at least. Yeah,
and I'm not doing anything productive, and that's not really
(08:32):
the point. But then I'm mad that I'm not doing
anything productive, Like that's this shame spiral. You know.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
I'd love to sit here and say, but I'm over it.
I figured out how to Yeah, it still happens. I'm
a little bit more aware of what's happening.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
You know.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
I have tools now that I can like snap myself
out when needed or give myself some compassion and understanding
when needed. But at the time, right you are just
sitting there screaming at yourself to get up and do something,
And as the time ticks by, you're like, great, now
you have five less minutes to do this thing. Now,
now what's the point. I think another piece of it, too,
(09:08):
is the idea behind like starting and finishing tasks. I
know now I really know about myself. I really really
cannot stand starting things that I'm not going to be
able to finish because I know pulling myself out of
the task when it's not quite done is just so painful.
So there's this piece of it where you're like stuck
(09:31):
in analysis paralysis, and then the time starts ticking by,
and now it becomes well, even if I could get
myself to start, now, I'm not gonna be able to finish.
So what's the point. It's the exhaustion of trying to
get yourself to do something, doing the mental math of
how long that's going to take, trying to figure out
what is the thing? That mental exhaustion, and then the
(09:53):
afterwards mental exhaustion of just like beating yourself up so
much and shaming yourself for not being quote unquot productive
with this time. It's brutal.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
It's brutal. An example I give to other folks who
don't have this brain is you know that feeling when
you know you have to wake up really early, and
then you can't fall asleep because you keep thinking about
the time, like the lost sleep cycles. Yeah, every passing minute.
It's like living in that loop.
Speaker 4 (10:20):
Right, like all day, every day.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
What did this look like as a kid?
Speaker 2 (10:35):
You know, I very distinctly remember, you know, you heard
the garage door open and like a parent was home,
and you like hopped off the couch right like, oh,
they can't know I've just been sitting on the couch
all day.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
I still do that today. When I hear my husband
coming home with the kids, I'm like, I get up
and I'm conveniently unloading the dishwasher as they're walking in
the door. Same, given the appearance, it's same.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
And sometimes I can catch it and like stop myself
because I'm like, no, I don't need to be being
productive right now. But whatever happens in your body when
you hear the garage is it's like an instinct where
you're like, oh, I gotta be finding something to do.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
So there was a little bit of like I should
be doing more because I'm just kind of being like lazybones, like,
you know, just lounging.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
Can you recall ever getting in trouble for being a
lazy bones in quotes?
Speaker 2 (11:27):
No, I mean I think I just distinctly remember feeling
like everyone thought I was just like a lazy bum
My sister who now has also been diagnosed with ADHD,
which is interesting because we are polar opposites. My sister
was more driven than me. She was very go go go.
(11:47):
She was like involved in all the clubs and great grades,
and she was like a fitness instructor, and I feel
like I was like a bum hanging out. I don't
think I got in trouble. I think I got like
questions sometimes like how long have you been like playing
that game on the computer, or like how long have
you been like sitting on the couch, or like what
(12:07):
are you going to do today? I was a really
good kid. I did not cause any problems. I did
not get in trouble. I did fine in school. I
didn't break rules. You know, if the worst thing I
was doing was like coming home and just like vegging
on the couch, nobody was like, you're not doing anything
with your life. It's like I was. And that really,
honestly might have been their perception of like they really
(12:29):
didn't care because they knew that I was busy at
other times. But to me, it always just felt like
I don't know what to do, So here I am.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
I have this random image in my mind and it's TMI,
but just like, go with me for a minute. I
I remember right after having each of my kids, and
I was pumping a lot. I didn't physically like it,
but I liked it because I could pump and I
could just play games on my phone and I didn't
have to again have to and quotes feel guilty because
(12:57):
I was doing something productive with my body while just
letting my mind wither away. Again, nothing wrong with just
chilling out and like playing on your phone in between
like tougher moments in the day whatever. It was just
this like I felt guilty about it, and I needed
to be doing that act of pumping to not feel
guilty about it.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
It was like the one time you really gave yourself permission, yeah,
to just zone out totally man and hed sight sho.
I should have applied that to my pumping sessions because.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
My husband's like, you are very prolific. You are making
a lot of milk, right, I mean.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
And isn't it so funny though that like I was
giving myself permission to just do nothing, and it's like
because you're actually not doing nothing, Like oh my god,
you're like, yeah, body is creating food for your child.
But I know, raise like it has to be that
level to just have the permission to sit and play
on your phone, when like you should have the permission
(13:58):
any day, at any hour, whenever you want to give
it to yourself. But that's hard. That's a hard place
to get to.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
So you got diagnosed in twenty twenty one, what was
happening in your life like at that precise moment, if
you can remember.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
I think it was just a whole bunch of things.
One of my best friends, who we are very very
similar to each other, people joke like we have the
same brain, she had been diagnosed with ADHD, so she
had been talking to me a little bit about it,
like like, we're the same person. Really need to look
into it. My main hold up at that time was
this kind of ADHD. I'm not hyperactive. I'm just like
(14:37):
disorganized and a quote unquote hot mess and like spacey whatever.
So my sister's son was like in first grade and
they were he was, you know, having some problems with
like you know, his like folder was always disorganized and
is like handwriting, and they were trying to like give
him some support, and they said he has some executive
(14:59):
functioning deficits, which I am embarrassed to have met. I
was a teacher, and I honestly had not really heard
of executive functions, and so I kind of looked into
it and that's when I was like, this is what
I have. This describes me like organization, planning, time management,
you know, self motivation, like emotional regulation all that.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
I was like, this is what I have.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
I don't have the hyperactive piece, and then looking into
that further and realizing, oh, that is ADHD inattentive type.
And then I saw the Danny Donnovan graphic of somebody
sitting on a couch looking like they're just lounging, looking
at their phone or watching TV, and except on the
top like what it looks like to the outside world.
And then the bubble below was the same graphic with
(15:45):
all the things in the whole thought bubble. Yeah, and
what looks like somebody just like sitting relaxing, not wanting
to do anything, watching a show, looking at their phone
is actually describing analysis paralysis. And I just felt like
I was in that.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
Every Dayovan friend of the pod. She's phenomenal.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
I really thank her for those comments because it was
so perfectly portraying my experience. That just catapulted me into
going down the rabbit hole.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
So your kids right now, you have two kids who
are the same age. They are five.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
They just turned five. Yeah, we just had their birthday
party yesterday. So, oh, my surprised I'm still standing. Actually,
it was fine. That was dramatic, It was fine. It
was a bit overwhelming, but it's fine.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
You and your wife carried your kids at the same time,
is that right.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
Yeah, you know, without going into too much detail, fertility
issues played a part of it, and I'll just say
we were kind of hedging our bets, I guess is
how you want to put it, Like just hoping for
a good outcome, and we just have to get two
good outcomes. Very unexpectedly. Did not think that that was
(17:06):
going to be what happened. And yeah, so they were
born a week apart. We have a boy and a girl.
And now they're five.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
So in twenty twenty one, your kids were three. How
big of a factor did being a new mom play
into this? Because you were managing before, Yeah, and then
you became a parent to two, not one, but two children.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Right. That made it really hard to try to claim
that I had ADHD because the mom kind of dialogue
out there is like motherhood is so hard. Everyone's struggling.
Everyone you know is having a hard time staying organized.
All moms are running late.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
It's thisalthy, comicy Yeah, it's.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Just the like being a mom isn't easy. That's kind
of what it comes down to. So it was hard
to kind of be like, I think this is hard
for me because of ADHD, Like I don't think I'm
experiencing the same kind of hard as like baseline mom hard.
And the first psychiatrist who I spoke to basically did
(18:14):
tell me that I was an overwhelmed mom with young kids.
Not basically that's actually the words that she said to
me was you just see or anxious. You just seem
like you're an anxious mom with young kids. That was it.
So it was like, what you already are worried. It
is like it's this hard for everyone, but everyone else
is just managing it better. A psychiatrist now said that
(18:36):
to me, this is just anxiety. Everyone is experiencing this.
And this was after months of me researching and knowing
it was adh and really just wanting it to be
confirmed so I could know I wasn't completely crazy.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
You were told to basically just like tough en up.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
By the time I had that evaluation, I had already
joined a coaching program super thankfully, because I knew that
was a possibility. I had kind of been prepared that
some psychiatrists do not know enough about ADHD and how
it presents in women and chalk it up to anxiety
and depression and it's unfortunate. So I kind of knew
(19:13):
that that was a possibility going in. I very naively
thought that that would not be the case, but it was.
And then I had like a support network for when
that happened to kind of tell me, like, get another opinion,
go to someone else. That person doesn't know what she's
talking about. Because this was also a person she basically
just had said, like, you sound like you're, you know,
pretty successful, and you graduated college, and this just sounds
(19:36):
like anxiety. But she had not asked me any questions
about like how school had been for me or how
my work life was. There was no curiosity around where
the anxiety was stemming from, which is really where she
missed the point. And I try to be really vocal
about that because it just that is what happens to
(19:57):
so many women, is that they really just told its anxiety.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
So you left your teaching career and have become an
ADHD coach? Did I say that right? Or I saw
your face?
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Yes, Well, I left teaching when I had the kids.
I won attorney leave, and then I took an extended
maternity leave, and then I realized there is no way
I can go back to teaching. Like that was the
other thing, Like I know that there are so many
teachers who are also moms. I could not wrap my
head around how much I was struggling with momhood, how
much I struggled as a teacher doing those things independently,
(20:31):
and then doing both of them. I was like, no,
there's actually no way. And again this is undiagnosed, untreated,
unmedicated on anything. Would I want to do it now?
Speaker 3 (20:44):
No?
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Do I have tools that I could probably make it
work now? Probably, but I don't want to anyway. So
I had been home. I joined a coaching program. I
spent a long time learning, and you know, about a
year and a half of that just like try to
understand more about myself, trying to learn more about myself,
trying to accept how I am and that I'm not
(21:09):
just like inherently flawed and lazy and forgetful and considerate
and all the words that we have gathered and put
into our own little narrative about ourselves. So I kind
of spent a really long time trying to relearn myself.
And I still am. I still very much am. Like
(21:31):
I said, I pop up when I hear the garage,
and I spend time playing on my phone instead of
moving on to the next thing on my agenda, and
I get into analysis prolesis sometimes and I still do
all the things, but I really have learned how to
kind of like be a little bit more in control
(21:52):
of a lot of that stuff and how to support
myself and others. And that's what really it really just
dawned on me one day, like this is what I
want to do now. I all I want to do
is help other people who are struggling understand themselves more
and feel like they can shift into a life that
(22:15):
they feel like they have a little bit more control of,
more intention They're doing what they actually want to do
and not just what they're like feeling shamed into doing
or should do. They're not just sitting around beating themselves
up all the time. Yeah, it was just like, whoa,
that's that's actually what I have to be doing.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
Do you take clients outside of Boston? Do you work remotely?
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Yeah? I mean I see clients over zoom, So I
have a client in Germany. I used to see someone
in Australia, but that time zone, it's very difficult. Yeah,
but we made it work.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Yeah. I just mentioned because you have your website adhd
with Emily dot com, and I know you are in
the Boston area. But when I give a little plug
for folks who may be looking for a coach.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yes, I can totally see people all over I am
taking clients.
Speaker 3 (23:05):
Yeah, Emily, I'm grateful that you came on today. Emily,
I'm really grateful that you have been listening to the
show for so long. It's really validating to me too,
because it's just it's hard to get organized sometimes to
do something like this. So here we are just similar
with you with your coaching.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Yeah. No, I have loved this show so much. I
love the diverse experience. It's not just like the same
story every time. It's like they're all so different, yet
you can just understand everybody's experience so well. There it's
like a universal language and then like all these different
like dialects. So I've loved it.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
You've been listening to adhd Aha from the Understood podcast Network.
If you want to share your own aha moment, email
us at adhd Aha at Understood dot org. I'd love
to hear from you. If you want to learn more
about the topics we covered today, check out the show
notes for this episode. We include more resources as well
(24:10):
as links to anything we mentioned in the episode. Understood
is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping people who learn
and think differently, discover their potential and thrive. We have
no affiliation with pharmaceutical companies. Learn more at Understood dot
org slash mission. Adhd Aha is produced by Jessamine Molly
(24:31):
Say Hi Jessamin, Hi everyone. Brianna Barry is our production director.
Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who
also mixes the show for the Understood podcast network. Scott
Koshiera is our creative director. Seth Melnick is our executive producer,
and I'm your host, Laura Keat. Thanks so much for listening.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
That was an episode of adhd Aha. To listen to
more episodes, search for adhd Aha in your favorite podcast app.
That's adhd Aha with aha spelled aha. I hope you
enjoyed it.
Hey everyone, Today we're doing something a little bit different.
I'm sharing an episode of another podcast. It's called adhd Aha.
It includes candid stories from people who share the moment
it clicked that they or someone they know has ADHD.
And I wanted to do this because I know from
talking to our audience that ADHD is something that many
(00:20):
of you are experiencing. And I really liked this podcast
and I thought it talked about it in really interesting
and useful ways. I recently listened to the episode titled
not Lazy but Exhausted from Analysis Paralysis and thought there
might be some listeners out there who could relate to
Emily's story. Laura and Emily dive deep into some of
(00:41):
the common challenges of living with ADHD, exploring what true
mental exhaustion feels like, and also sharing real struggles of
suffering from analysis paralysis. I hope you give it a listen,
and if it resonates, give adhd Aha podcast a follow.
And now here is the EP.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
What looks like somebody just like sitting relaxing, not wanting
to do anything, you know, watching a show, looking at
their phone is actually describing the analysis paralysis. And I just
felt like I was in that every day you are
just sitting there screaming at yourself to get up and
do something, and as the time ticks by, you're like, great,
now you have five less minutes to do this thing.
(01:23):
Now you have five Now what's the point.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
From the Understood podcast Network, this is adhd Aha, a
podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked
that they or someone they know has ADHD. My name
is Laura Key. I'm the editorial director here at Understood,
and as someone who's had my own adhd aha moment,
I'll be your host. I'm here today with Emily Weinberg.
(01:57):
Emily is a listener who wrote in who said that
she's been listening since we started the show, so grateful
for that. Emily is also an ADHD coach who is
located outside of Boston. You can find her at adhd
with Emily dot com. Emily, thank you so much for
being here today.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Thanks for having me.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Oh, there goes the Emily and I are laughing to
the fire alarm just went off? Did you hear it?
As soon as I introduced you.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
This is amazing.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
It's part of it. Now, Okay, I don't think I
need to evacuate the building. But you know, if you
see smoke behind me, please let me know and I'll
go running out. If only this were a video episode
so everyone could see the flashing lights.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
It looks like like a laser beam, like one of
those like school photos where you had like the lasers
behind you.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Oh my gosh, I know exactly what you mean. And
it's not a big deal. You know, we're not people
who get distracted at all. It's just an interview about ADHD.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Totally tune that out.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Well, thank you for being at this circus with me today, Emily.
I'm excited to chat with you. Thank you for being
a listener for so long. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Yeah, of course, I mean thank you for putting out
such good content my pleasure.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Okay, we're going to talk about your diagnosis. We're going
to get to that, but I want to start with
a biggie, if that's all right with you.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Sure.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
When we chatted last you told me you used to
describe yourself as a lazy person. Could you just unpack that?
Why did you think you were a lazy person?
Speaker 2 (03:23):
I was not a driven by a motor brand of ADHD.
I honestly feel like I never had an abundance of energy.
I could nap whenever given the option of napping, and
(03:43):
I mostly just didn't feel super driven to do a
million things unless you know, I know, in high school,
like when I was playing sports, Yeah, of course i'd
go to practice afterwards, and you know, in those months
when I played sports, I would be doing doing, and
then in the in between, I just didn't do much.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
And as an.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Adult, it's like any time I could just sit and
quote unquote relax, I would, And I the term lazy.
I really hate it so much now, but it did
just kind of feel like laziness, like I don't really
feel like doing much. And obviously, what I know now
(04:24):
it's that I did have a bunch of things I
probably wanted to do and still want to do, but
sometimes that feels overwhelming when there's so many different options
and you're not quite sure what to do. And also
I really was tired often, you know, and I predit
that to just like mental exhaustion of like a really
(04:45):
fast moving brain and making choices and decisions all day
and trying to plan ahead and not really being able
to see ahead, and just you know, everything that happens
within the brain of somebody with ADHD. I was exhausted
all the time. I didn't feel like I had a
great reason to be exhausted at times, because it's not
like I had been out training for a marathon or
(05:07):
running all over the place or whatever. But I was
just often tired.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Yeah, and just listeners, you need to hear this. Emily
is not a lazy person. And I hope you hear that.
Emily knows that she's not a lazy person, right, right, right.
I wanted to start there because it's just such a
stark contrast with how we usually perceive people with ADHD.
Tell me more about the exhaustion in your brain and
how that kind of transferred to the body.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
It's like, I can't even tell you. Oh, I remember
in high school just having like a million thoughts a
moment and my brain was constantly racing. It's more now, like,
of in hindsight, this is now what I know about ADHD.
It makes a lot of sense that if my brain
was just always on and thinking and processing and trying
(05:50):
to figure the things out. It makes a lot of
sense then that that would be completely and totally exhausting.
I know, as an adult now. One of the things
that really exhausts me the most is just like decision making.
I used to be a teacher. I mean, you make
four million choices every day as a teacher. So teaching
(06:13):
is exhausting period. No other explanation, but man, I just
came home and it was like, I can't tell you
what I want for dinner. I can't tell you which
show I want to watch. I could barely walk my
dog and like think about what route I wanted to
walk him on.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
It was just so you're talking really about analysis paralysis,
but not in your more formal areas of life, not
in work life. It sounds like, but when you get
home and it's just you and you may have an
option for there's not something you have to do. Now
you have a different kind of choice to make.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Yeah, And I have never felt that part the analysis
paralysis so strongly as you and I had. My kids.
Their nap times were like torture for me because I
think every single nap time they had I immediately went
into that analysis paralysis. Exhausted, can't do anything, didn't do anything,
(07:14):
just like spin cycle. It's like they'd go to nap
when they're really little. You have no idea how much
time you're going to have, So that's like your first challenge, Right,
Do I have twenty minutes? Do I have forty minutes?
You're exhausted, you just want to sit down for a minute.
But sitting down for a minute for me meant sitting
down for the remainder, but not relaxing, not taking an
(07:37):
intentional I'm tired, I need to do nothing while they nap,
so I'm sitting here on the couch. It was not
an intentional decision. It was I would like to sit
down for five minutes and then do something. But the
five minutes of quote unquote rest turns into are they
going to wake up in twenty minutes? Do I have
two hours? Do I have laundry to do? Should I
(07:59):
do the dishes? Should I organized stuff? And then I
get so exhausted in those five minutes, and then I'm like, well,
now I only maybe have fifteen minutes, so and it's
just it was such a cycle.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
That happens to me a lot too. It's so emotional
as well. I will when I'm transitioning from anything work
or parenting related to none of the above. It's like
I'm just going to take five minutes. I just need
five minutes. It's always thirty minutes at least at least. Yeah,
and I'm not doing anything productive, and that's not really
(08:32):
the point. But then I'm mad that I'm not doing
anything productive, Like that's this shame spiral. You know.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
I'd love to sit here and say, but I'm over it.
I figured out how to Yeah, it still happens. I'm
a little bit more aware of what's happening.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
You know.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
I have tools now that I can like snap myself
out when needed or give myself some compassion and understanding
when needed. But at the time, right you are just
sitting there screaming at yourself to get up and do something,
And as the time ticks by, you're like, great, now
you have five less minutes to do this thing. Now,
now what's the point. I think another piece of it, too,
(09:08):
is the idea behind like starting and finishing tasks. I
know now I really know about myself. I really really
cannot stand starting things that I'm not going to be
able to finish because I know pulling myself out of
the task when it's not quite done is just so painful.
So there's this piece of it where you're like stuck
(09:31):
in analysis paralysis, and then the time starts ticking by,
and now it becomes well, even if I could get
myself to start, now, I'm not gonna be able to finish.
So what's the point. It's the exhaustion of trying to
get yourself to do something, doing the mental math of
how long that's going to take, trying to figure out
what is the thing? That mental exhaustion, and then the
(09:53):
afterwards mental exhaustion of just like beating yourself up so
much and shaming yourself for not being quote unquot productive
with this time. It's brutal.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
It's brutal. An example I give to other folks who
don't have this brain is you know that feeling when
you know you have to wake up really early, and
then you can't fall asleep because you keep thinking about
the time, like the lost sleep cycles. Yeah, every passing minute.
It's like living in that loop.
Speaker 4 (10:20):
Right, like all day, every day.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
What did this look like as a kid?
Speaker 2 (10:35):
You know, I very distinctly remember, you know, you heard
the garage door open and like a parent was home,
and you like hopped off the couch right like, oh,
they can't know I've just been sitting on the couch
all day.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
I still do that today. When I hear my husband
coming home with the kids, I'm like, I get up
and I'm conveniently unloading the dishwasher as they're walking in
the door. Same, given the appearance, it's same.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
And sometimes I can catch it and like stop myself
because I'm like, no, I don't need to be being
productive right now. But whatever happens in your body when
you hear the garage is it's like an instinct where
you're like, oh, I gotta be finding something to do.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
So there was a little bit of like I should
be doing more because I'm just kind of being like lazybones, like,
you know, just lounging.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
Can you recall ever getting in trouble for being a
lazy bones in quotes?
Speaker 2 (11:27):
No, I mean I think I just distinctly remember feeling
like everyone thought I was just like a lazy bum
My sister who now has also been diagnosed with ADHD,
which is interesting because we are polar opposites. My sister
was more driven than me. She was very go go go.
(11:47):
She was like involved in all the clubs and great grades,
and she was like a fitness instructor, and I feel
like I was like a bum hanging out. I don't
think I got in trouble. I think I got like
questions sometimes like how long have you been like playing
that game on the computer, or like how long have
you been like sitting on the couch, or like what
(12:07):
are you going to do today? I was a really
good kid. I did not cause any problems. I did
not get in trouble. I did fine in school. I
didn't break rules. You know, if the worst thing I
was doing was like coming home and just like vegging
on the couch, nobody was like, you're not doing anything
with your life. It's like I was. And that really,
honestly might have been their perception of like they really
(12:29):
didn't care because they knew that I was busy at
other times. But to me, it always just felt like
I don't know what to do, So here I am.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
I have this random image in my mind and it's TMI,
but just like, go with me for a minute. I
I remember right after having each of my kids, and
I was pumping a lot. I didn't physically like it,
but I liked it because I could pump and I
could just play games on my phone and I didn't
have to again have to and quotes feel guilty because
(12:57):
I was doing something productive with my body while just
letting my mind wither away. Again, nothing wrong with just
chilling out and like playing on your phone in between
like tougher moments in the day whatever. It was just
this like I felt guilty about it, and I needed
to be doing that act of pumping to not feel
guilty about it.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
It was like the one time you really gave yourself permission, yeah,
to just zone out totally man and hed sight sho.
I should have applied that to my pumping sessions because.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
My husband's like, you are very prolific. You are making
a lot of milk, right, I mean.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
And isn't it so funny though that like I was
giving myself permission to just do nothing, and it's like
because you're actually not doing nothing, Like oh my god,
you're like, yeah, body is creating food for your child.
But I know, raise like it has to be that
level to just have the permission to sit and play
on your phone, when like you should have the permission
(13:58):
any day, at any hour, whenever you want to give
it to yourself. But that's hard. That's a hard place
to get to.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
So you got diagnosed in twenty twenty one, what was
happening in your life like at that precise moment, if
you can remember.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
I think it was just a whole bunch of things.
One of my best friends, who we are very very
similar to each other, people joke like we have the
same brain, she had been diagnosed with ADHD, so she
had been talking to me a little bit about it,
like like, we're the same person. Really need to look
into it. My main hold up at that time was
this kind of ADHD. I'm not hyperactive. I'm just like
(14:37):
disorganized and a quote unquote hot mess and like spacey whatever.
So my sister's son was like in first grade and
they were he was, you know, having some problems with
like you know, his like folder was always disorganized and
is like handwriting, and they were trying to like give
him some support, and they said he has some executive
(14:59):
functioning deficits, which I am embarrassed to have met. I
was a teacher, and I honestly had not really heard
of executive functions, and so I kind of looked into
it and that's when I was like, this is what
I have. This describes me like organization, planning, time management,
you know, self motivation, like emotional regulation all that.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
I was like, this is what I have.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
I don't have the hyperactive piece, and then looking into
that further and realizing, oh, that is ADHD inattentive type.
And then I saw the Danny Donnovan graphic of somebody
sitting on a couch looking like they're just lounging, looking
at their phone or watching TV, and except on the
top like what it looks like to the outside world.
And then the bubble below was the same graphic with
(15:45):
all the things in the whole thought bubble. Yeah, and
what looks like somebody just like sitting relaxing, not wanting
to do anything, watching a show, looking at their phone
is actually describing analysis paralysis. And I just felt like
I was in that.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
Every Dayovan friend of the pod. She's phenomenal.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
I really thank her for those comments because it was
so perfectly portraying my experience. That just catapulted me into
going down the rabbit hole.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
So your kids right now, you have two kids who
are the same age. They are five.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
They just turned five. Yeah, we just had their birthday
party yesterday. So, oh, my surprised I'm still standing. Actually,
it was fine. That was dramatic, It was fine. It
was a bit overwhelming, but it's fine.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
You and your wife carried your kids at the same time,
is that right.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
Yeah, you know, without going into too much detail, fertility
issues played a part of it, and I'll just say
we were kind of hedging our bets, I guess is
how you want to put it, Like just hoping for
a good outcome, and we just have to get two
good outcomes. Very unexpectedly. Did not think that that was
(17:06):
going to be what happened. And yeah, so they were
born a week apart. We have a boy and a girl.
And now they're five.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
So in twenty twenty one, your kids were three. How
big of a factor did being a new mom play
into this? Because you were managing before, Yeah, and then
you became a parent to two, not one, but two children.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Right. That made it really hard to try to claim
that I had ADHD because the mom kind of dialogue
out there is like motherhood is so hard. Everyone's struggling.
Everyone you know is having a hard time staying organized.
All moms are running late.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
It's thisalthy, comicy Yeah, it's.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Just the like being a mom isn't easy. That's kind
of what it comes down to. So it was hard
to kind of be like, I think this is hard
for me because of ADHD, Like I don't think I'm
experiencing the same kind of hard as like baseline mom hard.
And the first psychiatrist who I spoke to basically did
(18:14):
tell me that I was an overwhelmed mom with young kids.
Not basically that's actually the words that she said to
me was you just see or anxious. You just seem
like you're an anxious mom with young kids. That was it.
So it was like, what you already are worried. It
is like it's this hard for everyone, but everyone else
is just managing it better. A psychiatrist now said that
(18:36):
to me, this is just anxiety. Everyone is experiencing this.
And this was after months of me researching and knowing
it was adh and really just wanting it to be
confirmed so I could know I wasn't completely crazy.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
You were told to basically just like tough en up.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
By the time I had that evaluation, I had already
joined a coaching program super thankfully, because I knew that
was a possibility. I had kind of been prepared that
some psychiatrists do not know enough about ADHD and how
it presents in women and chalk it up to anxiety
and depression and it's unfortunate. So I kind of knew
(19:13):
that that was a possibility going in. I very naively
thought that that would not be the case, but it was.
And then I had like a support network for when
that happened to kind of tell me, like, get another opinion,
go to someone else. That person doesn't know what she's
talking about. Because this was also a person she basically
just had said, like, you sound like you're, you know,
pretty successful, and you graduated college, and this just sounds
(19:36):
like anxiety. But she had not asked me any questions
about like how school had been for me or how
my work life was. There was no curiosity around where
the anxiety was stemming from, which is really where she
missed the point. And I try to be really vocal
about that because it just that is what happens to
(19:57):
so many women, is that they really just told its anxiety.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
So you left your teaching career and have become an
ADHD coach? Did I say that right? Or I saw
your face?
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Yes, Well, I left teaching when I had the kids.
I won attorney leave, and then I took an extended
maternity leave, and then I realized there is no way
I can go back to teaching. Like that was the
other thing, Like I know that there are so many
teachers who are also moms. I could not wrap my
head around how much I was struggling with momhood, how
much I struggled as a teacher doing those things independently,
(20:31):
and then doing both of them. I was like, no,
there's actually no way. And again this is undiagnosed, untreated,
unmedicated on anything. Would I want to do it now?
Speaker 3 (20:44):
No?
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Do I have tools that I could probably make it
work now? Probably, but I don't want to anyway. So
I had been home. I joined a coaching program. I
spent a long time learning, and you know, about a
year and a half of that just like try to
understand more about myself, trying to learn more about myself,
trying to accept how I am and that I'm not
(21:09):
just like inherently flawed and lazy and forgetful and considerate
and all the words that we have gathered and put
into our own little narrative about ourselves. So I kind
of spent a really long time trying to relearn myself.
And I still am. I still very much am. Like
(21:31):
I said, I pop up when I hear the garage,
and I spend time playing on my phone instead of
moving on to the next thing on my agenda, and
I get into analysis prolesis sometimes and I still do
all the things, but I really have learned how to
kind of like be a little bit more in control
(21:52):
of a lot of that stuff and how to support
myself and others. And that's what really it really just
dawned on me one day, like this is what I
want to do now. I all I want to do
is help other people who are struggling understand themselves more
and feel like they can shift into a life that
(22:15):
they feel like they have a little bit more control of,
more intention They're doing what they actually want to do
and not just what they're like feeling shamed into doing
or should do. They're not just sitting around beating themselves
up all the time. Yeah, it was just like, whoa,
that's that's actually what I have to be doing.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
Do you take clients outside of Boston? Do you work remotely?
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Yeah? I mean I see clients over zoom, So I
have a client in Germany. I used to see someone
in Australia, but that time zone, it's very difficult. Yeah,
but we made it work.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Yeah. I just mentioned because you have your website adhd
with Emily dot com, and I know you are in
the Boston area. But when I give a little plug
for folks who may be looking for a coach.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yes, I can totally see people all over I am
taking clients.
Speaker 3 (23:05):
Yeah, Emily, I'm grateful that you came on today. Emily,
I'm really grateful that you have been listening to the
show for so long. It's really validating to me too,
because it's just it's hard to get organized sometimes to
do something like this. So here we are just similar
with you with your coaching.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Yeah. No, I have loved this show so much. I
love the diverse experience. It's not just like the same
story every time. It's like they're all so different, yet
you can just understand everybody's experience so well. There it's
like a universal language and then like all these different
like dialects. So I've loved it.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
You've been listening to adhd Aha from the Understood podcast Network.
If you want to share your own aha moment, email
us at adhd Aha at Understood dot org. I'd love
to hear from you. If you want to learn more
about the topics we covered today, check out the show
notes for this episode. We include more resources as well
(24:10):
as links to anything we mentioned in the episode. Understood
is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping people who learn
and think differently, discover their potential and thrive. We have
no affiliation with pharmaceutical companies. Learn more at Understood dot
org slash mission. Adhd Aha is produced by Jessamine Molly
(24:31):
Say Hi Jessamin, Hi everyone. Brianna Barry is our production director.
Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who
also mixes the show for the Understood podcast network. Scott
Koshiera is our creative director. Seth Melnick is our executive producer,
and I'm your host, Laura Keat. Thanks so much for listening.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
That was an episode of adhd Aha. To listen to
more episodes, search for adhd Aha in your favorite podcast app.
That's adhd Aha with aha spelled aha. I hope you
enjoyed it.
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