July 31, 2023 • 42 mins
It’s something we all inevitably experience in our dating lives, the pain of a break-up, saying goodbye to someone we loved and then, one day, the realisation that your ex has moved on and is with someone new. It can be incredibly confronting and painful, so today we're going to explore exactly why it hurts, even if deep down, we know we were never going to work. We will dive into the psychological ideas and theories behind rosy retrospection, social comparison, our self worth and the emotional and psychological closure that occurs when our ex moves on. We also examine the role of the rebound and why it’s important to take time to heal before getting into a new relationship, as explained by the addiction model of heartbreak and stages of grief. But finally, what next? Now that the chapter has finally closed, how do we move on and heal in a healthy manner and ignore those lingering self doubts that everything we had with our ex, they're now having with someone. All that and more in this episode, listen now!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:27):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is great to have
you here. Back for another episode. This week, we're talking
about an inevitable relationship moment concept that we are all
going to encounter at some stage in our lives, whether
(00:48):
that is in our twenties, which is typically when we
have our first experience of this happening, or later in life.
What do we do when our ex moves and further
to that, why can it be so painful? I think
that that is a question that a lot of ourselves
have found ourselves asking and looking for an answer to.
(01:12):
Breakups are never easy. We are emotionally bonded and attached
to this person, and the aftermath can feel so confronting,
like we're kind of navigating this storm of very confusing emotions.
But what exactly happens when we see our former partner
moving forward with their life seemingly over it over us
(01:35):
unaffected by the breakup. I think it can be really
heart wrenching and a really difficult experience leaves us grappling
with feelings of rejection and longing and confusion. Even if
we ourselves are in a new relationship or we don't
have any unresolved feelings or it's been years, there is
this aspect of finding out that your ex is dating
(01:59):
someone new that is very psychologically confronting, and I think
sometimes we don't understand exactly why that is. So in
today's episode, that is exactly what we're going to talk about.
I've been here quite a few times, each of them
hurt just as much as the last. But I think
that upon reflecting on those experiences, there's been some good
(02:23):
lessons and good wisdom and maturity that has come out
of it that hopefully I can share. So we're going
to examine exactly what it is about your ex moving
on that is so uniquely confronting. In particular, I really
want to discuss what we think it says about us
that perhaps we are replaceable, or that their new partner
(02:46):
possesses something that we don't have, and how exactly that
really injures our sense of self worth and our self concept.
I think often in these moments, we forget exactly why
we are not with that, why that relationship had to
come to an end, and all we remember are the
good times, the happy memories. There's this idea in psychology
(03:10):
known as rosy retrospection, and I want to show how
that keeps us stuck in a narrative of longing and
expectation rather than allowing us to move on, but also
going to touch on ideas of sunk costs, the addiction
model of heartbreak, expecting thinking, social comparison, so much more.
(03:33):
There is a lot of science behind this that I
think could be really, really helpful. But really at the
heart of today's episode is what's next when the chapter
finally closes, what do we do? I think it goes
without saying that jumping into a new relationship or finding
a rebound is not particularly healthy, Nor is lashing out
(03:59):
at your ex you know, going to do what they
want to do. You cannot control their emotions when that happens.
I think what we're really doing also is letting our
ego overtake our rational brain. In fact, I think moving
on and moving forward in silence is our best bet
So I want to go through four key strategies to
(04:20):
kind of finally find that acceptance at the end of
a relationship, especially after how X has seemingly found someone
else and dealing with all of the uncomfortable emotions that
that brings up. Trust me, I know it really hurts
right now. But there is a reason your feeling this way,
(04:40):
one that has so much to do with our human psychology.
So we are going to explore all of that and
so much more in this episode. I'm excited to dive
into it and perhaps help someone out there who was
in this situation. You're not alone. I've been there, done that,
got the T shirts. So without further ado, let's jump
(05:02):
into what to do when your ex moves on. Okay, so,
if you're listening to this, I'm guessing that you are
in that tricky place or realization that your ex is
with someone new. First of all, that absolutely sucks, and
(05:24):
it can be so emotionally intense, especially if your breakup
was only recently. I feel a lot of sympathy for
your situation, but hopefully I can provide you with a
bit of wisdom from my own experience. My friends actually
have this joke that I'm a foster girlfriend for all
of my exes they date me, I fix all of
their emotional unavailability and immaturity and send them off to
(05:47):
the next person who they inevitably start dating fairly long term.
I've been there quite a few times. It is such
a repeat experience for me, but I think I've gotten
it down to a bit of a science as to
what to do in this situation. That's really what I
want to share today. But firstly, we need to examine
(06:08):
why this experience brings up so many negative feelings of rejection,
of jealousy, of poor self worth, and so much more,
and also anger and guilt and confusion. I find it
so interesting that we can feel so fine with our
decision that that relationship needed to end until we learn
(06:32):
that there was someone new, and then suddenly all of
those reasons don't seem so meaningful anymore. It's not going
to surprise any of you. I hope that there is
obviously a lot of psychology behind this reaction. When we
are in a relationship with someone, we develop a very
deep emotional attachment to them through things like shared memories,
(06:55):
physical connection, intimacy, proximity, repeated interactions, and of course, an
expectation about the future. All of these experiences are incredibly
psychologically bonding, especially things like frequent positive interactions. They create
a real sense of familiarity and comfort, and they also
(07:17):
create biological reactions, including the release of hormones like oxytocin,
which we colloquially know as the bonding hormone. That is
what promotes this intense closeness. Even if maybe you guys
were never official, even if it was a situationship, our
(07:37):
brains don't understand that. All they understand is, here is
this person who is fulfilling this need for me, who
is providing me with this closeness, who is touching me,
who I trust. That is what's important for us and
for our brains. When that relationship ends, this abrupt ending
of those positive experiences, the disc can and that loss
(08:01):
of a future together is incredibly profound, and seeing someone
with your ex seeing them with someone new intensifies those
feelings and it triggers emotional pain. I think an element
of why that is particularly upsetting is because it makes
you confront the finality of the breakup. Whilst you are
both single, there could still have been this sense of
(08:24):
expectation that maybe things will change, especially when there are
unresolved feelings involved there. Our body and our brains still
crave this person because it doesn't forget that bond overnight
or even within a few weeks. And when they seemingly
replace us, that really solidifies the end of the chapter.
(08:47):
There is no more expectant thinking. It's where I think
the breakup truly starts, primarily because it forces us to
find that closure that maybe we didn't previously have, that
that relationship is done. It eliminates the what if thinking
there is someone else in our shoes. It's why I
think seeing them with someone new is particularly kind of
(09:10):
painful and hurtful, because maybe you haven't reflected on what
you really thought was going to happen. Maybe you hadn't
really thought that someone else would one day be in
your position with that person, experiencing all of those beautiful memories,
but you're not in them. There's someone new in those memories.
(09:30):
There's a few other psychological elements to this as well.
When our ex starts dating someone new, we feel the
full impact of what we call sunk costs. There's this
concept called the sunk cost fallacy that I think really
applies to the decisions we make towards ex partners, especially
(09:50):
if we've been with them for a long time. When
we invest a lot of time and energy into something,
we feel a greater sense of commitment to follow that
through and to keep putting time into this, into this relationship,
even if it's not working. The reason why is because
walking away or giving up would mean all of those resources,
(10:13):
all of those hours, they're lost. They cannot be recovered.
And when this person who we've invested in the past
starts dating someone new, it makes us acutely aware of
what we have given up and what we feel like
we've wasted. The love, the time, the intimacy. Maybe that
could have gone somewhere else, Maybe that could have been
(10:36):
poured into someone better. Of course, I think no experience
is ever a waste. We learn more from breakups sometimes
than I think we learn from our relationships. You know,
from a personal experience. I am so immensely grateful for
those experiences of being hurt, having to see someone I
once loved move on, because it profoundly changed my opinion myself.
(11:01):
I wanted to do better, I wanted to be better,
be happier and healthier, rather than just using someone else
to take away that sadness, and I think in the
long term we are rewarded for that choice. But it
links to this other element as well, And I think
the reason we struggle with our X moving on so
quickly is that it combines the very physical and emotional
(11:24):
after effects of a breakup with a further sense of
rejection and diminished self esteem. Specifically, I think we wonder
what their decision says about us. Really, it doesn't say
much about us at all, but in that state of
delusion and confusion, we think, if they were able to
find someone so quickly, if they have apparently already moved on,
(11:47):
does that mean we're replaceable, or that the intensity of
those feelings were one sided? Or does it mean that
there's something wrong with me that I haven't moved on yet,
that I haven't found someone else. Self esteem after a
breakup is already greatly diminished due to that lack of certainty,
due to that confusion and our efforts to reclaim those
(12:10):
individual aspects of our identity that make you feel independent
and unique beyond that person. So seeing them move on
makes you feel inadequate, and it makes you question whether
everything that this person validated in you is perhaps not
that special, especially if your connection could be that easily forgotten.
(12:33):
If someone meant a lot to you, it's only natural
to want them to feel the same way about you.
This incredible article explained it this way. When we see
our ex with someone else, this may trigger doubts and
insecurities over how your partner truly felt about you in
the relationship. Even if you want your ex to be
(12:56):
happy now, it's normal to question whether they truly loved
you as much as they said they did. There's also
this component of if you only broke up a little
while back, were they with someone else, were they already
out looking, had they already lost interest in you whilst
you were still in a committed relationship. Now, if that
(13:17):
experience is a repeated pattern, if your ex partners are
always the first to move on, that further reinforces this
false belief that somehow you were inadequate or you were
just a pit stop before these people find the person
they're really meant to be with, and from that can
come an intense self pity. I've been there, you know.
(13:40):
Every time I've heard about one of my exes dating
someone new or even being engaged. It has happened. It
does kind of sting a bit because that hasn't been
my experience, but you know how I imagine it. I always
think these people were all just kind of side characters
in the greater journey I'm on. Their chapter is closed,
(14:03):
which is very unfortunate for them, and they only exist
in that chapter and nowhere else. They have forwarded my
story and my growth, and they also owe me nothing,
but I really owe them a whole lot because they've
only made me so much better. You know, it's interesting
because I'm actually dating someone at the moment, which I
haven't really spoken about on the podcast, you know, just
(14:25):
for their privacy and also to see how things go.
But one question he asked me when we first started
talking was what did your last relationship teach you about yourself?
And what I said is that it taught me what
I deserve. And he asked me, you know, what is
it that you deserve? And I told him I knew
my answer because in all of those moments where I
(14:46):
was treated poorly or disappointed, it acted as a signal
to me of a need that these people were not meeting.
I guess your time will come and you will have
done the work to be a better version of yourself
and have a better future relationship. But even with that knowledge,
it doesn't diminish the pain that you're currently in because then,
(15:10):
of course there is the dreaded self comparison and comparing
yourself to their new partner on every possible dimension. We
know that social comparison is entirely normal. It's an evolutionary
process that really allows us to validate our own behaviors
and ensure that they conform to some broader social norm.
(15:33):
But when we engage in upward social comparison, especially with
someone's new partner, whereby we see someone as better than
us and subsequently reduce our own self worth, it can
be really painful. And we all know that feeling of
doing the sneaky Instagram stalk of their new person, don't lie.
(15:55):
I know we've all done it, or you know, finding
their own private getting a mutual friend to send you pictures.
And of course our friends are always going to say
the same thing. You know, she's not as pretty as you,
she's a downgrade. They could they could never do better
than you, And that's sadly probably not the case. And
I think it really unnecessarily pits people, especially women, against
(16:20):
each other. But it also feels like a bit of
a consolation prize. It's probably not going to do much
to minimize that burning question what does this new person
have that I don't? And it's truly unanswerable and one
that can cause such a self esteem spiral and also
questions around, you know, our desirability, especially when we still
(16:44):
inherently care about the opinion of our former partner despite
our best intentions. I think it's a rather ironic experience
because there was obviously some reason you two didn't work.
There had to be something, whether it was distance, incompatibility,
you know, maybe you're always fighting, even something sinister like cheating.
(17:04):
And yet, like I said before, those reasons tend to
not be so obvious to us in those moments when
we are considering them being happier with someone else. There's
a reason why this is. It's this concept called rosy retrospection,
and it's a cognitive bias whereby we remember past events
(17:25):
more fondly and more positively than they actually were. It's
because our brains are primed to remember emotionally salient memories
over the terrible ones in order to maintain a sense
of optimism and hope. You remember those beautiful intimate moments,
the trips you took, the hogs, the kisses, the bursts
(17:47):
of joy you know seeing them, but you suppressed the
times when they made you feel terrible about yourself, when
there was that anxiety, and those awful silences and those fights,
because those memories are not the narrative that keeps us invested.
The narrative that keeps us invested is the rosy recollection
(18:08):
and retrospection. And in all of those good memories, we
often crave the beginning of something new, a new person
to obsess over, a new person to love, to have
those memories with to replace the old ones. But also
the fact that when we have an urge to remember
and feel, we can no longer return to the previous source.
(18:29):
So I think what's important to talk about here is
the notion of the rebound. It had to come up,
the dreaded rebound. I think one of the worst things
we can do after the end of a relationship is
to use others to heal, to patch up that emotional scar.
And chances are if your ex is with someone in
(18:51):
the weeks or maybe the month after the end of
your relationship, the depth of that new relationship is going
to be rather superficial. The rebound kind of takes up
the space that was left by the previous partner, and
it provides both the stability and distraction from the loss
(19:11):
rather than working through it. We've talked about the anxiety
distraction feedback loop before, but we can also adapt that
to the longing and distress feedback loop. Longing is an
uncomfortable feeling, one that we would rather avoid, but also
one that will naturally come up after a breakup, and
(19:31):
so subconsciously we seek out a distraction in this situation.
Maybe that's in the form of a new partner, because
those new experiences allows us to avoid confronting those sad feelings.
In one of the limited studies that is available on
the psychology of the rebound, these researchers found that focusing
(19:54):
on someone new actually helps anxiously attached people in particular
get over their old partner. And you know, go bless
all the people who have experienced being the rebound before.
I know how much it sucks. I once had someone
tell me that I'd really helped him get over his acts,
and how grateful he was for me, so shout out
(20:14):
to them. But for some I have noticed this sense
of competition of who can move on the fastest, who
can win the race, who can prove to the other
that they are the first ones to get over it.
It probably derives from some of that innate hostility that
tends to bubble up after the fact, but also some
(20:36):
of that psychological closure and relief that we get from
being in a new relationship. And of course there are
also gender differences. Some self reported surveys and studies do
suggest that men recover from breakups much faster than women,
and they are quicker to move on. However, the typical
(20:58):
time it takes to heal and fully in quotation marks
but it's on average around six months. It takes a
good amount of time to process things. So if your
ex is already posting their new person three weeks after
you and you're dealing with that sting of you know,
did I really mean anything to them? I can promise
(21:21):
you they most likely definitely haven't forgotten about you. They've
still got a lot of healing work to do that
they're probably not even aware of. But I think the
mindset shift that we need to have is so, what
if they have forgotten about us? Why should it bother
you that they've moved on? Why do we still care?
(21:44):
And although we can answer a lot of those questions
now you know, the lack of psychological closure, the what
if thinking, the rosy retrospection, the next stage is now,
what what do we do next to stop caring, to
close that chapter and move on, perhaps not into any relationship,
but to a place of almost like mental freedom. Well
(22:09):
that's really the question of the day, isn't it. So
we're going to dive into that and so much more
in just a second. To ultimately stop caring, we need
to understand the process by which we move on and
(22:29):
can provide ourselves with the emotional closure that was perhaps
not given to us at the end of the relationship.
That lack of emotional closure is I think what really
triggers those unpleasant feelings associated with our ex dating someone new.
I think when we learn our ex has moved on,
we want to do one of two things. Number one
(22:51):
is to completely self isolate, maybe due to the shame
of this perceived rejection, to kind of lick our wooans,
languish in the self pity and that's okay. Self pity
feels nice because it provides us with the emotional validation
and the permission to feel sad that perhaps we really need,
(23:13):
that we really need to experience the second option. The
second way of doing things, I think is the complete opposite,
and it's to go absolutely feral and do everything in
our power to move on, particularly by using other people.
This is where we download Tinder, We go on a
(23:33):
million first dates, we end up in horrendously unfulfilling situationships,
we go out every night. It's really just a defense
mechanism for avoiding those confronting emotions what we would call
escapism or displacement. So in psychology, displacement occurs when we
satisfy an impulse with a substitute object. You know, we
(23:56):
can't get back at our ex by yelling or screaming
or by having a fight, So we're going to displace
our anger by getting with other people, hoping that that
will hurt them the way their decision or their new
relationship has hurt us. We want to in some ways
level the playing field. I think we all inherently know
(24:17):
that this initially pleasant sensation of using other people to
make us feel better is not going to last. It's
just a short term way of suppressing our true feelings
that is, unfortunately not a solution. The age old saying
goes that the only way out is through. You are
allowed to feel upset and angry and disappointed. In fact,
(24:42):
a lot of those psychological theories surrounding breakups would support
this reaction. I want to quickly look at the addiction
model and the stages of grief model as an explanation
for why we should allow ourselves to feel this hurt
deeply and then what to do next. So the addiction
model of heartbreak is kind of this psychological concept that
(25:05):
likens the experience of heartbreak to that of a drug addiction.
It suggests that the emotional pain and the distress that
we feel after romantic breakup is similar to the withdrawal
symptoms experienced by people trying to break free from a
substance addiction. So why is that the case. Well, romantic
(25:27):
love and attachment triggers the release of certain neurochemicals in
the brain that are very similar to the ones triggered
by things like nicotine or things like hard drugs, things
like dopamine and Oxytocin those are associated with the pleasure
and bonding we experience in a relationship, but they're also
associated with addiction. So when the relationship ends, the sudden
(25:51):
withdrawal of these chemicals leads to those feelings of sadness, anxiety,
and even physical symptoms like nausea headaches that are similar
to a withdrawal from a substance or from drugs. Just
like substance uses my experienced cravings, when we're going through heartbreak,
(26:12):
we may experience cravings for the presence, affection, and attention
of our ex partner, and these lead to things like
obsessive thinking and a desire to reconnect or to relapse.
In other words, however, these cravings are very much neurological,
and when we don't satisfy them by going no contact,
(26:35):
by giving it time, they will start to lessen. You
have to push those cravings that withdrawal, the potential for relapse,
that temptation. You need to push that out of your
mind and really power through in order to rewire your
neurochemistry away from this person to more positive things in
(26:56):
your life. But this does explain why we hurt so much,
but also how we can move forward. Similar to this
is what we call the stages of grief. This model
is typically used to be applied to what we go
through after a death, after someone dies who we love,
(27:17):
but a lot of people do argue that the intensity
of the grief after a breakup is very similar to
the grief associated with death. As we explained earlier, it
can be exacerbated by the realization that your ex has
moved on. There is that sense of a closed chapter.
There is that sense that you will not see them again.
(27:38):
There is a real pain looking back at those positive memories.
So to push through that emotional experience, you have to
go through five unique states. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression,
and finally acceptance. Denial is your brain's automatic response to
(27:59):
unplace or unwanted news. It really is a protective mechanism.
It gives your heart and your brain time to adjust
to the new situation by not really facing reality. In
the denial phase, you may think that your significant other
your ex is coming back to you because it initially
(28:20):
protects you from those unpleasant feelings. You might even be
in shock. You cannot feel the full extent of what
it meant for that relationship to end. Anger is next
you may really resent this person for what you've gone through.
All of their negative qualities are very very clear. You
really hate them. But I do think it's important to
(28:43):
remember it's just a natural reaction to your hurt. You
don't really hate them, because what comes next is the
bargaining phase, where you may try to restore your relationship
or perhaps rebuild it as a friendship. This can be disastrous.
If you have ever listened to my episode with my
(29:03):
ex where we talk about being friends, please just know
that this was me, you know, very squarely being in
the bargaining stage, and what followed that was the depression,
was the real sadness. You know, anger and bargaining. They
feel very active, we are angry at this person, we
(29:24):
are trying to get them back, But depression is very quiet,
it's very very sad. It's where the real breakup I
think begins, the tears, the sadness, and often it's where
we get stuck and we can't seem to move on.
I think there's no accurate assessment as to how long
this will stay this way, but I think is always
(29:47):
time is nature's best remedy, and in time, all of
these negative feelings will pass. I really, I promise you that,
and with that comes in acceptance, the best and the
final stage. It's where we experience the release of all
of these heavy emotions and memories. Ultimately, you're going to
(30:09):
realize that this relationship needed to end for all the
right reasons, that you are better off and you will
be okay. I also think that it's at this point
that you are ready to date again, because you have
worked through every stage of this natural cycle of the
death of the relationship. It's likely that if your ex
(30:33):
has moved on very quickly within a few months, even
they haven't gone through this process, so they are stuck
somewhere in between, perhaps in denial or anger, but they're
using this new relationship as a distraction. The argument attached
to this theory suggests that everyone will have to go
(30:54):
through these stages eventually, and what you don't heal before
a new relationship will inevitably create problems in your next relationship.
So I think we've established what your first steps are.
Number One, you have to allow yourself to feel whatever
it is that's bubbling up below the surface, whether that
(31:14):
is jealousy, bitterness, anger, sadness. Each of these emotions is
valid and it's your time to listen to all of
those amazing breakup songs to wallow, because avoidance and avoiding
this state is just going to cause more stress, especially
if you're reacting very poorly or you're very upset about
(31:36):
them moving on with someone new. There was a recent
scientific study and it explored avoidance as a coping mechanism,
especially at the end of a relationship, and what they
found was that things like withdrawal, resignation, perhaps moving on
with someone new too quickly, they all produced negative, maladaptive
(31:59):
outcomes compared to active coping styles like self compassion, like redirection,
and sublimation. So sublimation is particularly powerful. It's a coping
mechanism where we redirect our unacceptable urges to lash out,
to say cruel things, all of that hurt, and we
(32:21):
channel them into something positive. Here's the thing. Resentment and
anger are incredibly strong motivators. If you have ever wanted
to run a marathon, or launch a new business, or
start a new project, this is probably a great time
to do it because you have so much emotional energy
(32:42):
that is looking for a safe space to land, that
is looking for an outlet. Secondly, I think it goes
without saying. I've said it time and time again, but
do not get into a new relationship, especially if it's
in retaliation to your ex's actions or new partner. People
are going to heal at very different speeds, so you
(33:03):
need to reflect on whether your decision to date is
coming from a meaningful place or one of vengeance. There's
this idea called repetition compulsion, so if you have been
hurt in the past, you can be very tempted to
rush into a new relationship with people who are wrong
for you because you're subconsciously trying to fix the pain.
(33:28):
But here are some important questions to ask yourself first.
If you're planning on dating again, am I still regularly
thinking about my ex? Why is that? Do I still
imagine a future with them? What did that relationship teach me?
And have I reflected and what it has taught me
about myself? Are you actually interested in meeting new people
(33:52):
or are you just seeking companionship? What are you actually
looking for? What are you not looking for? And finally,
am I okay? Are you okay or are you still grieving?
And what kind of coping strategies have you put in
place to protect your peace, protect your heart, and better yourself.
(34:12):
There are obviously no right or wrong answers to these questions.
All of your answers are going to be very much unique.
It's more of a thinking exercise because I think if
you answer these questions honestly, you will be able to
come to the right conclusion about whether you have truly
reached acceptance or you are just displacing your jealousy or
(34:34):
your desires onto someone new or filling that hole with companionship. Thirdly,
if your ex has moved on, take the higher ground.
As the saying goes, I think success is truly the
best revenge, and not because of what it brings the
other person, but because of what it brings you move
forward in silence, cultivate a beautiful life without the need
(34:57):
for their input, without needing them to know about. When
you allow your emotions, I think to overwhelm you and
take control, what you're really doing is giving your ego
control over your decisions. Don't message them saying how much
they've hurt you, don't show up at the door, don't
post any long rants on social media. Your silence and
(35:20):
your peace are the most powerful things at your disposal.
It's also important to reflect on all the good things
your singleness brings you, rather than that bitterness towards your
ex and their new relationship status. This is such an
important mental exercise because I think we often don't feel
(35:40):
valued in society unless we have a partner, and we
face this stigma, this perception that we should be striving
towards a new relationship, and what this does is it
causes us to end up in the wrong relationships at
the wrong time, with the wrong people. This is of
course go to be exacerbated by seeing our ex in
(36:02):
apparently a very happy new relationship and thinking that we
should have that as well. But being single brings such
a sense of freedom and independence that is insanely valuable,
especially in this decade of life and our twenties, when
our identity is still very much being formed. You have
(36:22):
more time for your hobbies, for exercise, for meaningful moments
with friends. I think also to travel without feeling like
you're missing something or you're missing someone. You just genuinely
know yourself better. And that's something that you cannot be
said for people who jump from one relationship to the
next because they are trying to suppress some emotion. Or
(36:45):
some deep pain. This mindset shift from I'm so miserable
that they moved on, I'm so lonely, I'm never going
to find someone to You know, how amazing is it
to be single? I get so much done, I feel
so free, I'm so happy. That really allows you to
shift from a victim mentality to a hero mentality or
(37:05):
to a profound place of agency. It's also an amazing
time to invest in your own development and self worth.
You know you're listening to this podcast, so I think
you're already on the right track. But choose one area
in your life that you want to improve and work
towards that higher outcome and that highest version of yourself,
(37:29):
rather than for looking for a new relationship, you know,
rather than ruminating on everything that was wrong with you
that caused that relationship to end or caused your ex
to move on so quickly. There are so few times
in our lives when we are truly alone and not
carrying the burdens of others or responsibility for their feelings.
(37:52):
So you really need to embrace this chapter. I'm talking
the daily walks, I'm talking journally, a clean room, a
clear mind, regular therapy. If you can and cultivating beautiful friendships,
cultivating beautiful and deep self awareness and self worth. I
(38:15):
remember after my last breakup, I really kind of went
into this realm of embracing my inner divine feminine. I
wrote out my affirmations, I listened to music that made
me feel powerful, and I saw every day as one
more step between me and my ex, one more day
that they knew nothing about. And when they inevitably moved on,
(38:39):
I truly didn't care because I'd done all the work
that I needed to do and I really just wanted
them to be happy. I'd stepped into my power, my agency.
I was so hyper focused on being the best version
of myself and I didn't see moving on as competition.
And I also didn't see it as them replacing me. Right,
(38:59):
they found some that was better for them, and I'll
find someone that's better for me, and that is all
that we can kind of hope for. And that's something
that I think a new relationship wasn't going to give me.
A rebound, wasn't going to give me. It wasn't going
to fulfill that need in the work I needed to
do for myself. You know, at the end of the day,
(39:21):
you're not your relationship status. And if your ex is
choosing to move on really quickly with someone else, they
haven't done the work that you are going to have
the privilege to do. They're going to find themselves where
you are now in six months time when that relationship
inevitably falls apart, and you don't see all the struggles
(39:42):
behind closed doors, you don't see what's going on in
their mind. They may just be one of those people
who needs to constantly be healing their emotional wounds by
using others to fill them essentially, and that's not the
kind of person that anyone listening to this pot cards
is going to be. And as a final reminder, I
(40:03):
just want to extend some love. I know so deeply
how much this hurts, how it feels to perhaps be
forgotten or feel replaced. That is not the case. That
is definitely not the case. And even if it was,
that has freed you, that has really allowed you to
(40:23):
do the work that you need to do and allowed
you to move on because they have kind of they've
made their decision, They've put their cards on the table,
and I think it actually does provide the emotional and
psychological closure that is necessary to fully be liberated from
an experience, or from a relationship, or from an ex partner.
(40:44):
So they have really done you a solid. They've done
a service for you. So thank you so much for
listening to today's episode. I really enjoyed it. I think
it is so fascinating to look at the science and
the psychology behind why we feel this way, why it
is normal, and to kind of eliminate some of that
shame and that sense of you know, oh, I shouldn't
(41:05):
feel bad, I shouldn't feel sad about this. You know,
you totally should feel sad if you want to feel sad.
It's a completely normal, natural psychological reaction to a breakup,
to the after effects to an experience of rejection. So
I hope that this episode has really helped you. As always,
(41:25):
if there is someone in your life who is having
this experience right now, whose X has moved on really quickly,
you should send this to them. I really hope that
they get something out of it. If you did enjoy
this episode, please feel free to leave a five star
review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now,
and if you want more content more bonus episodes, please
(41:49):
follow along at our Patreon. I really appreciate all the
support you have provided me over there. And finally, oh
my gosh, my ramble my spear at the end of
these episodes is becoming very long. Need to do something
about that. But if you're not already following me at Instagram,
I'm at that psychology podcast. If you have an episode suggestion, actually,
we're looking for some new ideas, so send it over
(42:12):
and we might just have a look into it. So
thank you so much for listening today and wishing you
all the best. I'm sending you so much love and
we will be back next week for another episode.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:27):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is great to have
you here. Back for another episode. This week, we're talking
about an inevitable relationship moment concept that we are all
going to encounter at some stage in our lives, whether
(00:48):
that is in our twenties, which is typically when we
have our first experience of this happening, or later in life.
What do we do when our ex moves and further
to that, why can it be so painful? I think
that that is a question that a lot of ourselves
have found ourselves asking and looking for an answer to.
(01:12):
Breakups are never easy. We are emotionally bonded and attached
to this person, and the aftermath can feel so confronting,
like we're kind of navigating this storm of very confusing emotions.
But what exactly happens when we see our former partner
moving forward with their life seemingly over it over us
(01:35):
unaffected by the breakup. I think it can be really
heart wrenching and a really difficult experience leaves us grappling
with feelings of rejection and longing and confusion. Even if
we ourselves are in a new relationship or we don't
have any unresolved feelings or it's been years, there is
this aspect of finding out that your ex is dating
(01:59):
someone new that is very psychologically confronting, and I think
sometimes we don't understand exactly why that is. So in
today's episode, that is exactly what we're going to talk about.
I've been here quite a few times, each of them
hurt just as much as the last. But I think
that upon reflecting on those experiences, there's been some good
(02:23):
lessons and good wisdom and maturity that has come out
of it that hopefully I can share. So we're going
to examine exactly what it is about your ex moving
on that is so uniquely confronting. In particular, I really
want to discuss what we think it says about us
that perhaps we are replaceable, or that their new partner
(02:46):
possesses something that we don't have, and how exactly that
really injures our sense of self worth and our self concept.
I think often in these moments, we forget exactly why
we are not with that, why that relationship had to
come to an end, and all we remember are the
good times, the happy memories. There's this idea in psychology
(03:10):
known as rosy retrospection, and I want to show how
that keeps us stuck in a narrative of longing and
expectation rather than allowing us to move on, but also
going to touch on ideas of sunk costs, the addiction
model of heartbreak, expecting thinking, social comparison, so much more.
(03:33):
There is a lot of science behind this that I
think could be really, really helpful. But really at the
heart of today's episode is what's next when the chapter
finally closes, what do we do? I think it goes
without saying that jumping into a new relationship or finding
a rebound is not particularly healthy, Nor is lashing out
(03:59):
at your ex you know, going to do what they
want to do. You cannot control their emotions when that happens.
I think what we're really doing also is letting our
ego overtake our rational brain. In fact, I think moving
on and moving forward in silence is our best bet
So I want to go through four key strategies to
(04:20):
kind of finally find that acceptance at the end of
a relationship, especially after how X has seemingly found someone
else and dealing with all of the uncomfortable emotions that
that brings up. Trust me, I know it really hurts
right now. But there is a reason your feeling this way,
(04:40):
one that has so much to do with our human psychology.
So we are going to explore all of that and
so much more in this episode. I'm excited to dive
into it and perhaps help someone out there who was
in this situation. You're not alone. I've been there, done that,
got the T shirts. So without further ado, let's jump
(05:02):
into what to do when your ex moves on. Okay, so,
if you're listening to this, I'm guessing that you are
in that tricky place or realization that your ex is
with someone new. First of all, that absolutely sucks, and
(05:24):
it can be so emotionally intense, especially if your breakup
was only recently. I feel a lot of sympathy for
your situation, but hopefully I can provide you with a
bit of wisdom from my own experience. My friends actually
have this joke that I'm a foster girlfriend for all
of my exes they date me, I fix all of
their emotional unavailability and immaturity and send them off to
(05:47):
the next person who they inevitably start dating fairly long term.
I've been there quite a few times. It is such
a repeat experience for me, but I think I've gotten
it down to a bit of a science as to
what to do in this situation. That's really what I
want to share today. But firstly, we need to examine
(06:08):
why this experience brings up so many negative feelings of rejection,
of jealousy, of poor self worth, and so much more,
and also anger and guilt and confusion. I find it
so interesting that we can feel so fine with our
decision that that relationship needed to end until we learn
(06:32):
that there was someone new, and then suddenly all of
those reasons don't seem so meaningful anymore. It's not going
to surprise any of you. I hope that there is
obviously a lot of psychology behind this reaction. When we
are in a relationship with someone, we develop a very
deep emotional attachment to them through things like shared memories,
(06:55):
physical connection, intimacy, proximity, repeated interactions, and of course, an
expectation about the future. All of these experiences are incredibly
psychologically bonding, especially things like frequent positive interactions. They create
a real sense of familiarity and comfort, and they also
(07:17):
create biological reactions, including the release of hormones like oxytocin,
which we colloquially know as the bonding hormone. That is
what promotes this intense closeness. Even if maybe you guys
were never official, even if it was a situationship, our
(07:37):
brains don't understand that. All they understand is, here is
this person who is fulfilling this need for me, who
is providing me with this closeness, who is touching me,
who I trust. That is what's important for us and
for our brains. When that relationship ends, this abrupt ending
of those positive experiences, the disc can and that loss
(08:01):
of a future together is incredibly profound, and seeing someone
with your ex seeing them with someone new intensifies those
feelings and it triggers emotional pain. I think an element
of why that is particularly upsetting is because it makes
you confront the finality of the breakup. Whilst you are
both single, there could still have been this sense of
(08:24):
expectation that maybe things will change, especially when there are
unresolved feelings involved there. Our body and our brains still
crave this person because it doesn't forget that bond overnight
or even within a few weeks. And when they seemingly
replace us, that really solidifies the end of the chapter.
(08:47):
There is no more expectant thinking. It's where I think
the breakup truly starts, primarily because it forces us to
find that closure that maybe we didn't previously have, that
that relationship is done. It eliminates the what if thinking
there is someone else in our shoes. It's why I
think seeing them with someone new is particularly kind of
(09:10):
painful and hurtful, because maybe you haven't reflected on what
you really thought was going to happen. Maybe you hadn't
really thought that someone else would one day be in
your position with that person, experiencing all of those beautiful memories,
but you're not in them. There's someone new in those memories.
(09:30):
There's a few other psychological elements to this as well.
When our ex starts dating someone new, we feel the
full impact of what we call sunk costs. There's this
concept called the sunk cost fallacy that I think really
applies to the decisions we make towards ex partners, especially
(09:50):
if we've been with them for a long time. When
we invest a lot of time and energy into something,
we feel a greater sense of commitment to follow that
through and to keep putting time into this, into this relationship,
even if it's not working. The reason why is because
walking away or giving up would mean all of those resources,
(10:13):
all of those hours, they're lost. They cannot be recovered.
And when this person who we've invested in the past
starts dating someone new, it makes us acutely aware of
what we have given up and what we feel like
we've wasted. The love, the time, the intimacy. Maybe that
could have gone somewhere else, Maybe that could have been
(10:36):
poured into someone better. Of course, I think no experience
is ever a waste. We learn more from breakups sometimes
than I think we learn from our relationships. You know,
from a personal experience. I am so immensely grateful for
those experiences of being hurt, having to see someone I
once loved move on, because it profoundly changed my opinion myself.
(11:01):
I wanted to do better, I wanted to be better,
be happier and healthier, rather than just using someone else
to take away that sadness, and I think in the
long term we are rewarded for that choice. But it
links to this other element as well, And I think
the reason we struggle with our X moving on so
quickly is that it combines the very physical and emotional
(11:24):
after effects of a breakup with a further sense of
rejection and diminished self esteem. Specifically, I think we wonder
what their decision says about us. Really, it doesn't say
much about us at all, but in that state of
delusion and confusion, we think, if they were able to
find someone so quickly, if they have apparently already moved on,
(11:47):
does that mean we're replaceable, or that the intensity of
those feelings were one sided? Or does it mean that
there's something wrong with me that I haven't moved on yet,
that I haven't found someone else. Self esteem after a
breakup is already greatly diminished due to that lack of certainty,
due to that confusion and our efforts to reclaim those
(12:10):
individual aspects of our identity that make you feel independent
and unique beyond that person. So seeing them move on
makes you feel inadequate, and it makes you question whether
everything that this person validated in you is perhaps not
that special, especially if your connection could be that easily forgotten.
(12:33):
If someone meant a lot to you, it's only natural
to want them to feel the same way about you.
This incredible article explained it this way. When we see
our ex with someone else, this may trigger doubts and
insecurities over how your partner truly felt about you in
the relationship. Even if you want your ex to be
(12:56):
happy now, it's normal to question whether they truly loved
you as much as they said they did. There's also
this component of if you only broke up a little
while back, were they with someone else, were they already
out looking, had they already lost interest in you whilst
you were still in a committed relationship. Now, if that
(13:17):
experience is a repeated pattern, if your ex partners are
always the first to move on, that further reinforces this
false belief that somehow you were inadequate or you were
just a pit stop before these people find the person
they're really meant to be with, and from that can
come an intense self pity. I've been there, you know.
(13:40):
Every time I've heard about one of my exes dating
someone new or even being engaged. It has happened. It
does kind of sting a bit because that hasn't been
my experience, but you know how I imagine it. I always
think these people were all just kind of side characters
in the greater journey I'm on. Their chapter is closed,
(14:03):
which is very unfortunate for them, and they only exist
in that chapter and nowhere else. They have forwarded my
story and my growth, and they also owe me nothing,
but I really owe them a whole lot because they've
only made me so much better. You know, it's interesting
because I'm actually dating someone at the moment, which I
haven't really spoken about on the podcast, you know, just
(14:25):
for their privacy and also to see how things go.
But one question he asked me when we first started
talking was what did your last relationship teach you about yourself?
And what I said is that it taught me what
I deserve. And he asked me, you know, what is
it that you deserve? And I told him I knew
my answer because in all of those moments where I
(14:46):
was treated poorly or disappointed, it acted as a signal
to me of a need that these people were not meeting.
I guess your time will come and you will have
done the work to be a better version of yourself
and have a better future relationship. But even with that knowledge,
it doesn't diminish the pain that you're currently in because then,
(15:10):
of course there is the dreaded self comparison and comparing
yourself to their new partner on every possible dimension. We
know that social comparison is entirely normal. It's an evolutionary
process that really allows us to validate our own behaviors
and ensure that they conform to some broader social norm.
(15:33):
But when we engage in upward social comparison, especially with
someone's new partner, whereby we see someone as better than
us and subsequently reduce our own self worth, it can
be really painful. And we all know that feeling of
doing the sneaky Instagram stalk of their new person, don't lie.
(15:55):
I know we've all done it, or you know, finding
their own private getting a mutual friend to send you pictures.
And of course our friends are always going to say
the same thing. You know, she's not as pretty as you,
she's a downgrade. They could they could never do better
than you, And that's sadly probably not the case. And
I think it really unnecessarily pits people, especially women, against
(16:20):
each other. But it also feels like a bit of
a consolation prize. It's probably not going to do much
to minimize that burning question what does this new person
have that I don't? And it's truly unanswerable and one
that can cause such a self esteem spiral and also
questions around, you know, our desirability, especially when we still
(16:44):
inherently care about the opinion of our former partner despite
our best intentions. I think it's a rather ironic experience
because there was obviously some reason you two didn't work.
There had to be something, whether it was distance, incompatibility,
you know, maybe you're always fighting, even something sinister like cheating.
(17:04):
And yet, like I said before, those reasons tend to
not be so obvious to us in those moments when
we are considering them being happier with someone else. There's
a reason why this is. It's this concept called rosy retrospection,
and it's a cognitive bias whereby we remember past events
(17:25):
more fondly and more positively than they actually were. It's
because our brains are primed to remember emotionally salient memories
over the terrible ones in order to maintain a sense
of optimism and hope. You remember those beautiful intimate moments,
the trips you took, the hogs, the kisses, the bursts
(17:47):
of joy you know seeing them, but you suppressed the
times when they made you feel terrible about yourself, when
there was that anxiety, and those awful silences and those fights,
because those memories are not the narrative that keeps us invested.
The narrative that keeps us invested is the rosy recollection
(18:08):
and retrospection. And in all of those good memories, we
often crave the beginning of something new, a new person
to obsess over, a new person to love, to have
those memories with to replace the old ones. But also
the fact that when we have an urge to remember
and feel, we can no longer return to the previous source.
(18:29):
So I think what's important to talk about here is
the notion of the rebound. It had to come up,
the dreaded rebound. I think one of the worst things
we can do after the end of a relationship is
to use others to heal, to patch up that emotional scar.
And chances are if your ex is with someone in
(18:51):
the weeks or maybe the month after the end of
your relationship, the depth of that new relationship is going
to be rather superficial. The rebound kind of takes up
the space that was left by the previous partner, and
it provides both the stability and distraction from the loss
(19:11):
rather than working through it. We've talked about the anxiety
distraction feedback loop before, but we can also adapt that
to the longing and distress feedback loop. Longing is an
uncomfortable feeling, one that we would rather avoid, but also
one that will naturally come up after a breakup, and
(19:31):
so subconsciously we seek out a distraction in this situation.
Maybe that's in the form of a new partner, because
those new experiences allows us to avoid confronting those sad feelings.
In one of the limited studies that is available on
the psychology of the rebound, these researchers found that focusing
(19:54):
on someone new actually helps anxiously attached people in particular
get over their old partner. And you know, go bless
all the people who have experienced being the rebound before.
I know how much it sucks. I once had someone
tell me that I'd really helped him get over his acts,
and how grateful he was for me, so shout out
(20:14):
to them. But for some I have noticed this sense
of competition of who can move on the fastest, who
can win the race, who can prove to the other
that they are the first ones to get over it.
It probably derives from some of that innate hostility that
tends to bubble up after the fact, but also some
(20:36):
of that psychological closure and relief that we get from
being in a new relationship. And of course there are
also gender differences. Some self reported surveys and studies do
suggest that men recover from breakups much faster than women,
and they are quicker to move on. However, the typical
(20:58):
time it takes to heal and fully in quotation marks
but it's on average around six months. It takes a
good amount of time to process things. So if your
ex is already posting their new person three weeks after
you and you're dealing with that sting of you know,
did I really mean anything to them? I can promise
(21:21):
you they most likely definitely haven't forgotten about you. They've
still got a lot of healing work to do that
they're probably not even aware of. But I think the
mindset shift that we need to have is so, what
if they have forgotten about us? Why should it bother
you that they've moved on? Why do we still care?
(21:44):
And although we can answer a lot of those questions
now you know, the lack of psychological closure, the what
if thinking, the rosy retrospection, the next stage is now,
what what do we do next to stop caring, to
close that chapter and move on, perhaps not into any relationship,
but to a place of almost like mental freedom. Well
(22:09):
that's really the question of the day, isn't it. So
we're going to dive into that and so much more
in just a second. To ultimately stop caring, we need
to understand the process by which we move on and
(22:29):
can provide ourselves with the emotional closure that was perhaps
not given to us at the end of the relationship.
That lack of emotional closure is I think what really
triggers those unpleasant feelings associated with our ex dating someone new.
I think when we learn our ex has moved on,
we want to do one of two things. Number one
(22:51):
is to completely self isolate, maybe due to the shame
of this perceived rejection, to kind of lick our wooans,
languish in the self pity and that's okay. Self pity
feels nice because it provides us with the emotional validation
and the permission to feel sad that perhaps we really need,
(23:13):
that we really need to experience the second option. The
second way of doing things, I think is the complete opposite,
and it's to go absolutely feral and do everything in
our power to move on, particularly by using other people.
This is where we download Tinder, We go on a
(23:33):
million first dates, we end up in horrendously unfulfilling situationships,
we go out every night. It's really just a defense
mechanism for avoiding those confronting emotions what we would call
escapism or displacement. So in psychology, displacement occurs when we
satisfy an impulse with a substitute object. You know, we
(23:56):
can't get back at our ex by yelling or screaming
or by having a fight, So we're going to displace
our anger by getting with other people, hoping that that
will hurt them the way their decision or their new
relationship has hurt us. We want to in some ways
level the playing field. I think we all inherently know
(24:17):
that this initially pleasant sensation of using other people to
make us feel better is not going to last. It's
just a short term way of suppressing our true feelings
that is, unfortunately not a solution. The age old saying
goes that the only way out is through. You are
allowed to feel upset and angry and disappointed. In fact,
(24:42):
a lot of those psychological theories surrounding breakups would support
this reaction. I want to quickly look at the addiction
model and the stages of grief model as an explanation
for why we should allow ourselves to feel this hurt
deeply and then what to do next. So the addiction
model of heartbreak is kind of this psychological concept that
(25:05):
likens the experience of heartbreak to that of a drug addiction.
It suggests that the emotional pain and the distress that
we feel after romantic breakup is similar to the withdrawal
symptoms experienced by people trying to break free from a
substance addiction. So why is that the case. Well, romantic
(25:27):
love and attachment triggers the release of certain neurochemicals in
the brain that are very similar to the ones triggered
by things like nicotine or things like hard drugs, things
like dopamine and Oxytocin those are associated with the pleasure
and bonding we experience in a relationship, but they're also
associated with addiction. So when the relationship ends, the sudden
(25:51):
withdrawal of these chemicals leads to those feelings of sadness, anxiety,
and even physical symptoms like nausea headaches that are similar
to a withdrawal from a substance or from drugs. Just
like substance uses my experienced cravings, when we're going through heartbreak,
(26:12):
we may experience cravings for the presence, affection, and attention
of our ex partner, and these lead to things like
obsessive thinking and a desire to reconnect or to relapse.
In other words, however, these cravings are very much neurological,
and when we don't satisfy them by going no contact,
(26:35):
by giving it time, they will start to lessen. You
have to push those cravings that withdrawal, the potential for relapse,
that temptation. You need to push that out of your
mind and really power through in order to rewire your
neurochemistry away from this person to more positive things in
(26:56):
your life. But this does explain why we hurt so much,
but also how we can move forward. Similar to this
is what we call the stages of grief. This model
is typically used to be applied to what we go
through after a death, after someone dies who we love,
(27:17):
but a lot of people do argue that the intensity
of the grief after a breakup is very similar to
the grief associated with death. As we explained earlier, it
can be exacerbated by the realization that your ex has
moved on. There is that sense of a closed chapter.
There is that sense that you will not see them again.
(27:38):
There is a real pain looking back at those positive memories.
So to push through that emotional experience, you have to
go through five unique states. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression,
and finally acceptance. Denial is your brain's automatic response to
(27:59):
unplace or unwanted news. It really is a protective mechanism.
It gives your heart and your brain time to adjust
to the new situation by not really facing reality. In
the denial phase, you may think that your significant other
your ex is coming back to you because it initially
(28:20):
protects you from those unpleasant feelings. You might even be
in shock. You cannot feel the full extent of what
it meant for that relationship to end. Anger is next
you may really resent this person for what you've gone through.
All of their negative qualities are very very clear. You
really hate them. But I do think it's important to
(28:43):
remember it's just a natural reaction to your hurt. You
don't really hate them, because what comes next is the
bargaining phase, where you may try to restore your relationship
or perhaps rebuild it as a friendship. This can be disastrous.
If you have ever listened to my episode with my
(29:03):
ex where we talk about being friends, please just know
that this was me, you know, very squarely being in
the bargaining stage, and what followed that was the depression,
was the real sadness. You know, anger and bargaining. They
feel very active, we are angry at this person, we
(29:24):
are trying to get them back, But depression is very quiet,
it's very very sad. It's where the real breakup I
think begins, the tears, the sadness, and often it's where
we get stuck and we can't seem to move on.
I think there's no accurate assessment as to how long
this will stay this way, but I think is always
(29:47):
time is nature's best remedy, and in time, all of
these negative feelings will pass. I really, I promise you that,
and with that comes in acceptance, the best and the
final stage. It's where we experience the release of all
of these heavy emotions and memories. Ultimately, you're going to
(30:09):
realize that this relationship needed to end for all the
right reasons, that you are better off and you will
be okay. I also think that it's at this point
that you are ready to date again, because you have
worked through every stage of this natural cycle of the
death of the relationship. It's likely that if your ex
(30:33):
has moved on very quickly within a few months, even
they haven't gone through this process, so they are stuck
somewhere in between, perhaps in denial or anger, but they're
using this new relationship as a distraction. The argument attached
to this theory suggests that everyone will have to go
(30:54):
through these stages eventually, and what you don't heal before
a new relationship will inevitably create problems in your next relationship.
So I think we've established what your first steps are.
Number One, you have to allow yourself to feel whatever
it is that's bubbling up below the surface, whether that
(31:14):
is jealousy, bitterness, anger, sadness. Each of these emotions is
valid and it's your time to listen to all of
those amazing breakup songs to wallow, because avoidance and avoiding
this state is just going to cause more stress, especially
if you're reacting very poorly or you're very upset about
(31:36):
them moving on with someone new. There was a recent
scientific study and it explored avoidance as a coping mechanism,
especially at the end of a relationship, and what they
found was that things like withdrawal, resignation, perhaps moving on
with someone new too quickly, they all produced negative, maladaptive
(31:59):
outcomes compared to active coping styles like self compassion, like redirection,
and sublimation. So sublimation is particularly powerful. It's a coping
mechanism where we redirect our unacceptable urges to lash out,
to say cruel things, all of that hurt, and we
(32:21):
channel them into something positive. Here's the thing. Resentment and
anger are incredibly strong motivators. If you have ever wanted
to run a marathon, or launch a new business, or
start a new project, this is probably a great time
to do it because you have so much emotional energy
(32:42):
that is looking for a safe space to land, that
is looking for an outlet. Secondly, I think it goes
without saying. I've said it time and time again, but
do not get into a new relationship, especially if it's
in retaliation to your ex's actions or new partner. People
are going to heal at very different speeds, so you
(33:03):
need to reflect on whether your decision to date is
coming from a meaningful place or one of vengeance. There's
this idea called repetition compulsion, so if you have been
hurt in the past, you can be very tempted to
rush into a new relationship with people who are wrong
for you because you're subconsciously trying to fix the pain.
(33:28):
But here are some important questions to ask yourself first.
If you're planning on dating again, am I still regularly
thinking about my ex? Why is that? Do I still
imagine a future with them? What did that relationship teach me?
And have I reflected and what it has taught me
about myself? Are you actually interested in meeting new people
(33:52):
or are you just seeking companionship? What are you actually
looking for? What are you not looking for? And finally,
am I okay? Are you okay or are you still grieving?
And what kind of coping strategies have you put in
place to protect your peace, protect your heart, and better yourself.
(34:12):
There are obviously no right or wrong answers to these questions.
All of your answers are going to be very much unique.
It's more of a thinking exercise because I think if
you answer these questions honestly, you will be able to
come to the right conclusion about whether you have truly
reached acceptance or you are just displacing your jealousy or
(34:34):
your desires onto someone new or filling that hole with companionship. Thirdly,
if your ex has moved on, take the higher ground.
As the saying goes, I think success is truly the
best revenge, and not because of what it brings the
other person, but because of what it brings you move
forward in silence, cultivate a beautiful life without the need
(34:57):
for their input, without needing them to know about. When
you allow your emotions, I think to overwhelm you and
take control, what you're really doing is giving your ego
control over your decisions. Don't message them saying how much
they've hurt you, don't show up at the door, don't
post any long rants on social media. Your silence and
(35:20):
your peace are the most powerful things at your disposal.
It's also important to reflect on all the good things
your singleness brings you, rather than that bitterness towards your
ex and their new relationship status. This is such an
important mental exercise because I think we often don't feel
(35:40):
valued in society unless we have a partner, and we
face this stigma, this perception that we should be striving
towards a new relationship, and what this does is it
causes us to end up in the wrong relationships at
the wrong time, with the wrong people. This is of
course go to be exacerbated by seeing our ex in
(36:02):
apparently a very happy new relationship and thinking that we
should have that as well. But being single brings such
a sense of freedom and independence that is insanely valuable,
especially in this decade of life and our twenties, when
our identity is still very much being formed. You have
(36:22):
more time for your hobbies, for exercise, for meaningful moments
with friends. I think also to travel without feeling like
you're missing something or you're missing someone. You just genuinely
know yourself better. And that's something that you cannot be
said for people who jump from one relationship to the
next because they are trying to suppress some emotion. Or
(36:45):
some deep pain. This mindset shift from I'm so miserable
that they moved on, I'm so lonely, I'm never going
to find someone to You know, how amazing is it
to be single? I get so much done, I feel
so free, I'm so happy. That really allows you to
shift from a victim mentality to a hero mentality or
(37:05):
to a profound place of agency. It's also an amazing
time to invest in your own development and self worth.
You know you're listening to this podcast, so I think
you're already on the right track. But choose one area
in your life that you want to improve and work
towards that higher outcome and that highest version of yourself,
(37:29):
rather than for looking for a new relationship, you know,
rather than ruminating on everything that was wrong with you
that caused that relationship to end or caused your ex
to move on so quickly. There are so few times
in our lives when we are truly alone and not
carrying the burdens of others or responsibility for their feelings.
(37:52):
So you really need to embrace this chapter. I'm talking
the daily walks, I'm talking journally, a clean room, a
clear mind, regular therapy. If you can and cultivating beautiful friendships,
cultivating beautiful and deep self awareness and self worth. I
(38:15):
remember after my last breakup, I really kind of went
into this realm of embracing my inner divine feminine. I
wrote out my affirmations, I listened to music that made
me feel powerful, and I saw every day as one
more step between me and my ex, one more day
that they knew nothing about. And when they inevitably moved on,
(38:39):
I truly didn't care because I'd done all the work
that I needed to do and I really just wanted
them to be happy. I'd stepped into my power, my agency.
I was so hyper focused on being the best version
of myself and I didn't see moving on as competition.
And I also didn't see it as them replacing me. Right,
(38:59):
they found some that was better for them, and I'll
find someone that's better for me, and that is all
that we can kind of hope for. And that's something
that I think a new relationship wasn't going to give me.
A rebound, wasn't going to give me. It wasn't going
to fulfill that need in the work I needed to
do for myself. You know, at the end of the day,
(39:21):
you're not your relationship status. And if your ex is
choosing to move on really quickly with someone else, they
haven't done the work that you are going to have
the privilege to do. They're going to find themselves where
you are now in six months time when that relationship
inevitably falls apart, and you don't see all the struggles
(39:42):
behind closed doors, you don't see what's going on in
their mind. They may just be one of those people
who needs to constantly be healing their emotional wounds by
using others to fill them essentially, and that's not the
kind of person that anyone listening to this pot cards
is going to be. And as a final reminder, I
(40:03):
just want to extend some love. I know so deeply
how much this hurts, how it feels to perhaps be
forgotten or feel replaced. That is not the case. That
is definitely not the case. And even if it was,
that has freed you, that has really allowed you to
(40:23):
do the work that you need to do and allowed
you to move on because they have kind of they've
made their decision, They've put their cards on the table,
and I think it actually does provide the emotional and
psychological closure that is necessary to fully be liberated from
an experience, or from a relationship, or from an ex partner.
(40:44):
So they have really done you a solid. They've done
a service for you. So thank you so much for
listening to today's episode. I really enjoyed it. I think
it is so fascinating to look at the science and
the psychology behind why we feel this way, why it
is normal, and to kind of eliminate some of that
shame and that sense of you know, oh, I shouldn't
(41:05):
feel bad, I shouldn't feel sad about this. You know,
you totally should feel sad if you want to feel sad.
It's a completely normal, natural psychological reaction to a breakup,
to the after effects to an experience of rejection. So
I hope that this episode has really helped you. As always,
(41:25):
if there is someone in your life who is having
this experience right now, whose X has moved on really quickly,
you should send this to them. I really hope that
they get something out of it. If you did enjoy
this episode, please feel free to leave a five star
review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now,
and if you want more content more bonus episodes, please
(41:49):
follow along at our Patreon. I really appreciate all the
support you have provided me over there. And finally, oh
my gosh, my ramble my spear at the end of
these episodes is becoming very long. Need to do something
about that. But if you're not already following me at Instagram,
I'm at that psychology podcast. If you have an episode suggestion, actually,
we're looking for some new ideas, so send it over
(42:12):
and we might just have a look into it. So
thank you so much for listening today and wishing you
all the best. I'm sending you so much love and
we will be back next week for another episode.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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