August 22, 2023 • 50 mins
Love, dating and friendships can feel like a black box in our 20s when we're trying to make the most out of our formative years. None of us have the answers or a guide to some of our biggest questions - how do I actually make new friends, how many friends should I have, should I be settling down this early or exploring my options? In part two of this series we breakdown how to make the most out of our personal relationships during this decade. We discuss why your answer should always be 'yes', why quantity over quality may actually be more correct when it comes to friendships in our 20s and the benefit on getting our heart broken and loving as deeply as possible during this period. We also cover my 7 tips for personal growth to make the most out of this decade, from letting go of our ego to taking time to uncover our childhood wounds, as well as the power of just having a laugh at yourself every now and then. All that and more, listen now!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever
you are in the world, and formerly, welcome back to
this little mini series I'm doing this week focusing on
how we can create our dream life in our twenties,
where I'm going to be kind of combining all the
best advice, the psychology, the evidence, personal philosophy, and more
(00:50):
from across all these different dimensions in our twenties that
I think cause us a lot of strife, so things
like our careers, our finances, love, friendships, the future, and
of course our personal growth. So this is part two
of this week's series where we're going to be talking
about love, dating, friendship, and also focusing on some of
(01:14):
that deeper emotional and psychological work that I think we
need to undertake in this decade. If you haven't listened
to part one, please go and listen to that episode
where we kind of cover more tips around managing career anxiety,
feeling stuck taking risks, and we talk about money as well.
But also you can listen to this episode completely on
(01:37):
its own if the questions you're facing your dilemmas are
more to do with kind of your interpersonal relationships and
some of that deeper emotional content about twenties that this
decade really brings to the surface. I think the concerns
we have around our future and even our present as well,
do fall into these different categories. We worry about being
(02:00):
happy in our jobs, not tying ourselves down to some
stagnant nine to five, getting the most out of these
formative years. But then on a deeper level, we have
a lot of questions around building meaningful relationships. You know,
how many friends do we actually need? Are we settling
down too quickly? Should we be dating more, dating less?
(02:21):
What is the right way to do this time? What
is the right way to make the most out of
this decade. I think the reason we worry so much
about love and relationships in particular, just on like a
universal human level is well, A, they are incredibly significant
and impactful, and I think B we don't want to
(02:43):
live with regret that maybe we fell in love too
soon or too late. Or with the wrong person. As humans,
regret is a really powerful motivator because it is one
of the only emotional experiences that we can't fix. What's
in the past is in the past, and our recognition,
I think of that permanency of all of those decisions
(03:05):
really bleeds into the present, and it causes us to
be very overwhelmed by the many avenues and choices that
are presented to us, because we don't want to choose
wrong and then potentially close an important door, especially during
this period where we feel like endless doors are open
to us, that we're still in this kind of free
(03:26):
flowing state of being able to make choices and mistakes.
So we're going to talk about that a little bit more.
But I think additionally, one of the other reasons a
lot of us are looking for answers or an answer
to some of these questions is because we have been
sold a very glamorous idea that there is a correct
way to live your twenties and also an incorrect way.
(03:50):
You know, shows like Sex in the City and Friends. Honestly,
any movie or TV show focused on people in their
twenties living in New York is such a major culpriate
the media really delivers very targeted and effective cues that
sell a fantasy of what this decade should look like,
one of young love and chaos and partying, millions of friends,
(04:13):
high paying jobs where no one really ever actually works.
And I think, firstly, that's not everyone's idea of happiness.
Like we discussed in Part one, everyone is going to
have a different conception of what is going to bring
them fulfillment in this decade. But secondly, this glamorous depiction
of what we should be doing is not really it's
(04:36):
not reality, and yet that is really our only reference
point for a lot of us. And you can feel
like if you're not meeting this image, that your life
is off track, or that you're missing out, or that
somehow you're going about this wrong and you're going to
really be haunted later in life that you didn't take
(04:56):
more risks or you didn't live this romantic, gol glamorous
twenty something fantasy. So I think we really need to
let go of these narrow ideas of what we thought
our life was going to look like, based on fiction
or based on expectations, And when we give ourselves that freedom,
I think our lives really turn out better than what
(05:18):
we had in mind, not because it's any easier, but
because it's your experience. Those experiences and memories that you're
choosing to make, even if they're different from what everyone
is telling you to do, they get to be yours
and you get to make them special and romanticize the
things that maybe the media and those around you don't.
(05:39):
You know, our twenties are a lot more messy than
we've been told. Our problems are not neatly wrapped up
in some plot twist. By the end of the episode,
we feel our emotions so intensely. So I want to
do this episode as a bit of a reality check
for those of us who are maybe worried that we're
falling behind, we're missing out, because I promise it's not
(06:02):
just you feeling that way. Every single one of us
is feeling a little bit stuck in some aspect of
our lives. And anyone who is pretending that they haven't
all sorted out is either faking it till they make it,
which I appreciate, or it's in for a very rude
awakening because every single one of us is doing this
for the first time. We are all new to life
(06:23):
and with that every new year, every new situation we encounter,
and the stories we're going to create, they're going to
be different. There is no right way to live our
lives during this period, and you don't need to be
living someone else's storyline to be happy. On the other hand, though,
I do think that this decade promises a lot in
(06:46):
terms of freedom, in terms of opportunity and chaos and
fun and that emotional richness that we really need to
reach out and grab. We really have a duty to
give our future selves some good stories, but also some
important connections and some meaningful lessons as well. So a
big focus of our last episode was on regret, and
(07:09):
I think when we talk about love and relationships and friendships,
there's a lot of possibility for that, but we know
that we are more likely to regret the decisions that
we didn't make than the ones that we do. And
that's really the theme that is going to flow through
all of these tips. If in doubt, do it, especially
in your twenties, always fall in love as much as
(07:32):
you can say yes to everything, but also don't be
afraid to say goodbye. You know this is your time
to set yourself up for future success. Whilst also not
putting too much pressure on yourself. And I think when
we break that down and really focus on some of
those core properties that is going to allow us to
really create our dream life, it becomes a lot easier
(07:54):
to feel like we're allowed to have our own story
and feel like our mistakes are not going to be
life ending or cause us to live with regrets. So
let's talk about all of this what we need to
prioritize to quote unquote make the most out of this decade.
But also I would say some of the things that
(08:15):
we need to decenter that can be a later issue,
an issue for our thirties or our forties. We're going
to talk love, friendships, and of course personal growth, bringing
as much of the psychology and the evidence to the
table and some of the studies as well, because they
are so fascinating and boundless and just really really applicable.
(08:37):
So if you're facing some of those existential questions, if
you're worried that your formative years might be slipping by,
I promise we are all in it together. I'm here
with you, and hopefully I can give you some of
my hard earned advice to pull yourself out of that
rabbit hole and create your dream situation, create your dream
(08:57):
life in your twenties. So, without further ado, let's get
into it. The reason I think a lot of us
face this insecurity that we're doing our twenties wrong is
because we are sold something. We are given this example
of what this decade should look like that is full
(09:20):
of contradictions. You know, you need to have a million friends,
but also quality over quantity, and you know, young love
and childhood sweethearts, but also you need to get out there.
You need to have an abundant dating experience, don't sleep
with too many people, but you also need to have
all those wild sexual stories. You need to party hard
and do stupid things, but also make sure you're prioritizing
(09:43):
self care and taking care of your body. And so
we're stuck in this like dilemma where we're like, oh
my goodness, there are so many different options here. How
do I know that by choosing one, I'm not going
to look back later and wish that I'd done more
of that other thing. Here's the secret that I've learned.
You can do all of that, but you can't do
(10:03):
it all at once. This decade is full of seasons.
And though your age might be linear, your experiences don't
need to be because, like we said in episode one,
you're not a passive agent in your life. If you're
unhappy with something at any stage, you can change that.
You get to make decisions for yourself at any point.
(10:26):
I'm going to start off by talking about friendships, because
I think that our friendships are incredibly, incredibly defining. You know,
there's this very famous theory that you are an amalgamation,
a mirror of the five people closest to you. You
reflect back their qualities and their values and their personalities.
(10:47):
And I have a really deep belief that it is
the people of your twenties that make your twenties, our
community and our friends. They are the first priority, I think,
and really the one that can make or break the
so called dream life in this decade. So let's start
off by talking about these unique relationships. Firstly, I'm not
(11:09):
going to pretend that it's easy to make friends in
your adulthood. We all know it's super tough. I'm sure
a lot of us have found that people really stick
to their groups and what they know, sometimes at the
detriment of more fulfilling connection. I think every single one
of us sometimes struggles with this feeling that we don't
(11:30):
have enough friends, that we could have more friends. I
call it this thing, the rollercoaster of loneliness, and I
was talking to a friend about it the other day.
Every six months or three months, I'll get this like
deep despairing feeling that I am incredibly lonely and I
have no one in my life and I know that's
not true. It always lasts for about a week, and
(11:50):
then I come out of it the other side. And
as I've spoken more to my friends, I've realized that
this is really common. We go through these lulls and
these dips and these plateaus in which we feel like
we don't have enough people around us to bring us joy.
So I'm not going to sell you some secret formula,
because I know that it's very hard. Even when we
have an abundance of friends, it's hard to appreciate them.
(12:13):
But something I've found that has helped me truly cultivate
the best friendship group and friends I have ever had,
the people who genuinely elevate my life to the next level,
was to firstly treat everyone I met for the first
time like they were already my best friend, that I'd
known them my whole life. And secondly, to just say
(12:35):
yes to everything you know. Don't allow yourself to shut
off certain people just because you think you won't be
aligned or because you've become too comfortable. You know, you
have to socialize and live with an abundance mentality, especially
during this time when we have so much freedom. We
have so many years to develop these connections, and you
(12:58):
don't know how these relationships are going to turn out.
So I think you have to go to those parties
where you don't know anyone and really put yourself into
new situations. If someone asks if you want to grab
a drink, yeah you do, of course you do. If
someone wants you to help them move, yeah, sure, you
just got to talk to new people. And who cares
if they don't like you? Who cares if it doesn't
(13:19):
work out. I think it's a worse outcome to walk
past a missed connection, to maybe miss out on meeting
someone wonderful and life changing out of a fear of judgment.
Then you know, potentially face the reality that you just
weren't connected. I think it takes a while to find
good friends. That's something that I've learned they are rare.
(13:40):
It's not going to be an instantaneous connection with everyone,
So don't be afraid to go through some trial and
error to put yourself out there, to take a risk
and be bold, because people, I think, really respond to that.
People respond to others who are peer confident, who are
peer assertive, who express interest in them. It's this foundational
(14:04):
idea in psychology of reciprocity. What you give others, they
feel compelled to give you back. And I really think
that is the secret formula to discovering new relationships and
new connections during this decade. Treat everyone like they are
already your best friend, and this foundational idea of reciprocity,
(14:26):
give them what you want them to give you back.
Something else I think is important to learn during our
twenties is that sometimes we come across people who just
don't like us. And the thing is that someone else's
opinion of you is not your problem. It is really
none of your business. It's bothering them more than it
should ever bother you. Unless they've really proven that they
(14:48):
deserve to be in your life, unless they've proven that
they are a good friend. Their opinion is really none
of your business. It's not something that should be causing
you any stress. It's just someone's thoughts, and you have
your own thoughts and your own beliefs around your goodness
and your value in someone's life. I also think that
(15:09):
something that I have personally realized is that you can
never have too many friends, especially during this decade. So interestingly,
there was a recent study published in the journal Psychology
and Aging, and what it showed was that when it
comes to friendships, it's actually quantity over quality that matters
(15:30):
in your twenties and vice versa in your thirties. So
that pattern people who had more friends in their twenties
but better friends in their thirties, that was a massive
predictor of later psychological well being. And they actually tracked
participants for over thirty years, and what they found was
that people in their twenties who had more than ten
(15:51):
good friends were more likely to have better friends in
their thirties and be happier with how they had spent
that decade of their lives. So I don't want to
say this in terms of being of almost fear mongering
and being like, well, if you don't have that, you
know you're destined to be really lonely and sad. I
(16:11):
do not think that is the case. Of course, this
is an observational study. There's always nuance, and I think
it's equally important to make sure that we are also
nurturing those really quality relationships and those longer term friendships
as well. So that's tip number two. Make time for
(16:31):
old friends. We all know what it's like to outgrow
certain people from your past. That's natural, it's normal, it's
something you should be embracing to make room for other people.
But we really cannot overstate the value of a friend
who has known you for as long as you've kind
of known yourself, known your adult self. You know, these
(16:53):
are the people who have been beside you for multiple chapters.
They probably know you better than you know yourself self
at some point, and they know those really intimate things
that have happened in your past. They've probably carried you
through them. And I think the reason these relationships are
so important is because those shared memories create very deep
(17:15):
emotional bonds. But they're also a really key ingredient to
a long term sense of stability and emotional consistency. Finding
that balance between creating new friendships and trusting and relying
on the people that got you. There is one that
we really need to strike during this decade, and sometimes
(17:37):
that can be difficult. I know a lot of us
live in new cities or new places. We move for college,
we move for jobs, we move for partners. I like,
look at my friendship group now, and the people that
have known me longest are like scattered across the world,
and it can be very easy to not maintain those
relationships and to let them fizzle. I'm telling you now
(17:59):
you will regret that that is the easy thing to do,
But in the long run, I think it's the wrong
thing to do, because these people are the ones who
have already been by your side for so long. So
sending them the occasional text, organizing a little FaceTime call
that's like an hour out of your week, an hour
out of your month. But when you're older, when maybe
(18:22):
you're a little bit wiser, you're going to be really
grateful that you put in that time and that effort
when you could. And I also think you get that
beautiful opportunity to introduce your old friends and your new
friends and to see how you've changed, and to kind
of build that circle of community around yourself. A lot
(18:42):
of what creating our dream life in our twenties is
about is making decisions now that might feel like a
little bit of extra effort, but in the long run
are an investment in a really beautiful future. And tip
number three, if you're looking for ways to have that
dream social circle, I know that that's a massive theme
(19:04):
that people or a massive kind of goal that a
lot of people have during this decade, that dream group,
that big posse of friends. Tip number three is to
do it yourself. Be the instigator. Stop waiting for other
people to kind of come to you. Remember it's about agencies,
so you should be creating those memories that you want
(19:26):
to make and invite people into them. You feel like
you know your friends maybe don't do enough wholesome activities,
Well you should plan them. Or you want to do
more traveling, invite people to come with you. You want
to see your friends more often, reach out. I think
the most the most beautiful kinds of people are the
ones who create community for those around them, And it's
(19:50):
a really beautiful opportunity to be that person. Things like
doing dinner nights once a week and inviting you know,
whoever wants to come. I sometimes do that out on Sundays.
I've been a bit busy recently, but earlier this year
and at the end of last year, I got into
this habit of every Sunday I would make like a
massive Italian feed and I just kind of float the
(20:13):
invite out there. I would invite someone new every time
and be like, do you guys want to come over
and have dinner and we can play cards? And the
amount of people that were like, Yeah, I want to
do that because there's someone there instigating that sense of
community and that sense of connection for them. Things like
painting nights, themed parties, asking if people want to go
(20:34):
and do a boxing class with you, going for a hike,
if you want to have that friendship circle, if you
want to have those memories. I think it's a really
important thing to realize that someone else isn't going to
do that for you, and you really have to be
the captain of your own journey and you know, the
captain of your own ship, as corny as that sounds,
(20:55):
and be the instigator. I get that a lot of
these tips have been about building community and acquiring new
friendships and developing old ones and really adding people to
that social circle. I think that is a key ingredient.
But also I want to know and for Tip four,
I think that we should not be afraid to let
(21:15):
go of people just out of nostalgia or loneliness because
we feel a sense of obligation or we're you know,
we're scared of being alone. Friendships in our twenties aren't
all about new beginnings. They're about endings as well, and
I think one of the universal experiences we're going to
go through is that friendship breakup, that unique kind of staying,
(21:39):
of losing someone you never thought that would leave your life,
you know, not like an ex partner or even a parent.
We think of our friendships as a chosen family or
a forever family. But I have a mantra that I
repeat to myself all the time, which is that friends
are a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Sometimes they're
(21:59):
there to guide you through a new period in your life.
Sometimes they're there to teach you a lesson or to
teach you something about yourself. And then sometimes we get
lucky and they're there for the rest of our lives.
But I think that when we hold onto people out
of fear, that maybe we won't find someone better, And
(22:20):
I know that that's not the healthiest mentality to be like, Oh,
is there someone better out there for me? But what
I'm talking about is holding onto those stale relationships that
really don't bring you joy anymore. I want us to
think about this hypothetical that I think about a lot
when I feel guilt for doing that. Imagine still being
friends with every single person that you've known since you
(22:41):
were like four years old, making time for them every week,
having a meaningful relationship. It would overwhelm us and we
would eventually become a pretty terrible friend. So naturally, I
think we are going to be forced to let some
of those people go. In the nineteen nineties, actually this
really well known psychologist called Robin Dunbar. He came to
(23:05):
this conclusion that realistically, we can only cognitively and emotionally
handle a maximum of one hundred and fifty social relationships
over the course of our lives, and that includes with friends,
with family, with colleagues, with acquaintances, and really the golden
number there is no more than ten really close friends.
(23:28):
I think often our twenties are a time in which
we are forced to shed some of those relationships that
might not be serving us during that moment. For people
who might better suit our lives and our personalities and
our priorities, especially friends who you've not just grown apart from,
but who might actually be not contributing to your life
(23:52):
in a positive way. People who bring you down, people
who aren't adopting the kind of lifestyle that you might
want to live. You know, you aren't who you were
eighteen or even twenty one or later. And really understanding
that compatibility is a hallmark of a good friendship, and
that compatibility is going to change and wane. That is
(24:14):
really important so that we don't feel like we need
to almost be greedy with the people in our lives
and hold on to every single connection because we're nostalgic
or we're afraid of being alone in the future. All Right,
we're going to take a short break before we come
back and tackle love and relationships, So stay tuned. We
(24:37):
will be back shortly right after this short break. Being
in our twenties and dating feels like being in the trenches.
You know, one part of us wants to like find
someone really lovely and settle down, but then we're worried that,
you know, if we do it too soon, if we're
(24:58):
too young, we're missing out and all these dating experiences
and all these fun stories that people seem to have,
So there really isn't like a right option. And sometimes
we can feel like the decisions we're making, the choices
we're making, yeah, they feel great right now. But what
if we come to have a lot of remorse around
(25:18):
our decisions or regret that maybe we should have done
it differently, maybe we should have been more open or
more closed off to some of those experiences. I think
the reason we worry about love and we stress about
whether we're doing it the quote unquote right way is
because it is a big aspect of our development during
this period. It's a really emotionally profound experience. It's what
(25:43):
we call in psychology, especially some of our first relationships,
our first experience with love, we call it an emotional milestone.
So that is a psychologically significant experience that unlocks new skills,
new core memories, new behaviors, and in some way new
facets of our personality. And I think young love is
(26:06):
I wouldn't say it's overhyped, but it is really romanticized
and glamorized because those relationships play a huge role in
who we turn out to be in our twenties, and
there is no one way to do it correctly. But
I think what we want to avoid is three groups
of people, the time wasters, the energy stiflers, and the
shallow loves. There is no point being in a relationship
(26:30):
just for the sake of it with any of these
types of people during this decade, not for the experience,
not to feel like you're ticking off some box. These
people will just detract from your life. You know, you
don't get that time back, that time you spend investing
in people, and I think that they do bring important lessons,
(26:51):
but we could have learnt those lessons better by perhaps
choosing more wisely or choosing to be alone for life longer.
And I think doing that and claiming that time back
for yourself starts by really focusing inward and learning that
our own company is better than the company of someone
(27:12):
who doesn't give us the love and the attention we deserve.
So my first tip for creating your dream life in
your twenties centered around love is to learn to enjoy
doing things alone, learn and appreciate the value of solitude
and independence. This is perhaps one of the only times
when you might have the chance to be completely alone,
(27:34):
to have the opportunity to solo travel, to move to
a new city without knowing anyone, to not have the
obligations of maybe a partner or kids or aging family members,
and to just be a little bit selfish with your time,
and to really enjoy and appreciate that solitude and those
(27:55):
periods of maybe even loneliness. Solitude is such an incredibly
psychologically profound and sacred experience, but it's also something that
we have to choose to prioritize. It's very easy to
surround ourselves with people, especially in our twenties, when all
of our friends are incredibly accessible, and we also have
(28:16):
this fear of being alone because we have long stigmatized solitude.
It's been widely considered as an inconvenience, is something to avoid,
a punishment. But when we choose to prioritize being in
our own company, learning who we are when we're not
surrounded by other people, it's incredibly empowering. So in this
study called Narratives of Solitude amazing research title, these research
(28:40):
has found that when our loneliness I guess or when
time spent alone is self imposed, it actually improves things
like introspection and improves self awareness and also the quality
of the relationships that we do have. So how do
we integrate that. I think you need to spend at
least one day a month in your own company, doing
(29:01):
something without speaking to someone else, without needing someone else
to validate your existence or your experiences. And I think
that really helps us learn that our existence is not
dependent on someone else's acknowledgment of it. Our experiences are
significant without someone else's input. I also think learning to
be alone during our twenties is a really valuable skill
(29:25):
that will serve you later in life, when perhaps your
solitude is not self imposed. You will know that you
have these skills, the ability to enjoy your own company,
to actually really what's the word like just almost savor it,
to really savor the fact that you get time to
just know yourself, to be yourself without the opinions, the judgment,
(29:49):
the validation of others. Also, I think not being afraid
to be alone also allows us to walk away from
things that don't serve us, not just in our twenties,
but you know, in later life as well. And here
I'm talking specifically about relationships. So This leads me to
tip number two. If you've been in a relationship with
(30:12):
someone for less than two years and it feels stressful
or toxic, or it takes too much time or energy
from you, you need to leave. That relationship is not
going to get any better, and this decade is not
the time to be making deeply emotional mental sacrifices for
(30:33):
someone else. That time will come. That time will come
later when you're married to someone, when it's been twenty
or thirty years, and maybe that goes for every decade
as well. To not be with someone who is requiring
you to sacrifice your own identity and your own I
think time and energy that you would like to devote
(30:54):
to yourself love should only seek to enhance your life,
and if you are fighting for this relationship to live on,
especially during these younger years, all of that effort is
being taken away from your own development and your own
time to put into your dream life. I think we
often want to cling onto these relationships even when they're
(31:16):
not working, out of that fear that we won't have
value if we don't have a partner. And we talked
about this in the Stigma of Being Single episode. This
patriarchal historical influence that continuously reinforces that if we are
not dating, if we don't have someone in our lives,
if we're not looking for someone, somehow there's something about
(31:36):
us that's deficient, or something about us that's shameful or wrong,
that maybe we can't attract love, or that we are
doing things in a way that is counter to what
our culture and our society expects us to do, which
is to prioritize romance and love above all else. But
they should not be constraining you, especially in what should
(31:58):
be a selfish period of your life. It's also important
to remember that the relationships you have at this stage
will influence how you form connection later on, so it's
probably worth being a little bit picky. They've conducted recent
studies on this that has demonstrated how our very early
(32:19):
romantic experiences, our interactions, our relationships, might be just as
impactful for our attachment style as the ones we developed
with our parents in childhood. I'm going to really reinforce
that we often think in psychology that how our attachment
style is formed is mainly due to things like temperament,
(32:40):
but also parental influence. So if your parents were neglectful
or really inconsistent with how they showed you unconditional love.
That's going to influence how you connect and attached to
people in the future. But what some of these studies
are showing us is that it is not just those
early childhood experiences, but those early twenty something experiences as well.
(33:03):
So it's better to be alone that in a situation
that doesn't serve you, because that doesn't just impact your
present enjoyment of your life, but your future ability to
actually form those intimate, vulnerable connections. It's a real privilege
to learn who you are beyond someone else's identity or
attachment to you, and some people don't get that. So
(33:26):
I would say, if it's not the right person, don't settle.
I would much rather be single till I was forty
than settle now and find myself questioning my worth, my decisions,
feeling lost and disconnected later on in life. This leads
to my next tip, which is to stay single as
long as possible, and I think that's a combination of
(33:48):
the above two tips. The reason I say this is
because I really truly believe that our twenties are our
decade for us to use to know ourselves better. This
is the time before you have responsibility and obligations to
fully engage in that self discovery. That introspection and the
wrong relationship, as we discussed above, can interrupt that. So
(34:11):
you need to spend more time falling in love with
yourself then falling in love with people who bring you down,
who make you question your work, or who kind of
suck everything out of you. We also have to face
the reality that your time is limited and it really
needs to be divided between numerous priorities and obligations. You
have twenty four hours in the day. You've got to
(34:33):
spend some of that, you know, doing your basic needs, eating, sleeping,
working and taking care of your body, spending time with friends,
calling family, working on your projects. All those things should
come first, and then you should have time for your
relationship if that's something that you choose to do. But
that time is still limited. So when you decide to
(34:54):
invest time in someone, what is that taking away from
and is that a sacrifice you're willing to to make
at this point in your life? And the best relationships,
they truly do, occur when you have a good understanding
of your wants, your needs, yourself, your values. That's incredibly attractive.
That is what attracts good people into your life, the
(35:15):
ones that you want to stay. Is that confidence and
that self awareness. And I think when we're desperate, when
we don't have a clear sense of who we are
without other people, we really see relationships or a partner
as just a box to tick to prevent feelings of
loneliness or feelings of inadequacy. And I never think that
(35:37):
we should be in a relationship in our twenties or
at any age for those reasons. Finally, my last tip
is to embrace heartbreak and fall in love hard. Now
that might sound counterintuitive based on what I've previously said,
but remember we're thinking about choosing the right people here.
(35:58):
And I also think that we shouldn't be soared of
loving deeply and having our heart broken. Heartbreak creates very
real physical pain. We know that. We've seen that in
MRI studies looking at how how pain receptors are activated
by emotional pain just as much as physical pain. So
as humans, I think we instinctually want to avoid that.
(36:18):
We want to avoid deep, vulnerable connections because it's innate
to kind of some of our survival instincts, especially if
we've been hurt in the past. But I think the
depth of emotions created by getting your heart tremendously irreparably
broken is an experience that is such a blessing and
that we all need to have in our twenties because
(36:40):
it pushes you to a place of such depth, of
such knowing. It gives you empathy, It makes you more
in touch with yourself, it makes you more creative, and
that time in which everything seems chaotic, in which your
heart is literally aching, really gives you the moment to
figure out who you are and what you want your
(37:02):
future to look like. Some people scare us out of
loving heart. They make us feel embarrassed or ashamed for
being really, really open with how we're feeling and choosing
to really dive in deeply into those vulnerable, loving moments.
But I think a set an example. Don't shut yourself
(37:23):
down because of someone else's inability to feel deeply because
of their emotional unavailability. Don't let them kind of callous
your heart and make you feel like you are not
a deeply emotional and sensitive person, and that is not
a beautiful thing, because it is that makes you such
a beautiful person. And I think each heartbreak in our
(37:44):
lives has this opportunity and has this unique ability to
teach us something really valuable. I think it is so
sacred in a way. I wouldn't really have the life
I have now without my heartbreak. So I'm so grateful
to those people in hindsight for not only letting me
(38:04):
feel the full spectrum of human emotion to feel human,
but also giving me the encouragement to be better and
to wait for the person who would reciprocate my love,
and to not let myself be kind of hollowed out
by her. You need to, I think, just push and
rush and fall in love as much as possible, and
(38:28):
let your heart be broken and let it be raw,
and let it be open to those experiences, because that's
what makes life so spectacular, is having that connection with
this broad depth of human emotion. So finally, I want
to finish with my seven tips for personal growth that
help us create our dream life in our twenties. Seven
(38:50):
things that I think we all need to work on
or focus on during this decade to get the most
out of this experience. Firstly, let go of your ego.
So ego is this Freudian concept. It's our sense of self,
it's our sense of responsibility to our self to do
what's best for us, And it's the way that we
interpret situations. When that is not kept in check, that
(39:15):
can really cut us off from certain experiences because ego
operates in two ways. One way is telling us that
we're not deserving of certain things, and the other way
is telling us that we're too deserving. So I think
where there is pride, there is missed opportunity. You are
not too good or not good enough for any experience
(39:36):
or any opportunity. And I think that when we let
go of our ego, and when we see ourselves as
a bit of a blank canvas, letting any experience become
part of the narrative, letting people into our lives, we
get a lot more out of this decade. My second
tip that we think we all really need to do
in our twenties is to unpack your childhood trauma and
(39:58):
your childhood emotional wound. We know that the experiences we
have in childhood influence our adult perspectives and emotional approaches,
and that can have a lifelong impact and our twenties,
I think is when we first begin to recognize and
become cognizant of the ways that some of those early
(40:20):
experiences are still causing pain and trouble for us later
in life. So we have a duty to really address
those whilst we still have that mental flexibility, whilst those
memories are fresh. So some of the wounds, I think
we need to examine our things, like the guilt wound.
What made you feel guilty as a child, The abandonment wound?
(40:43):
When were there times that you didn't feel loved and
how is that being reflected in your current approach to
connection into what you deserve from your life? Betrayal wound,
How have you felt let down by people in your
past and how is that influencing how you think people
will let you down in the future. And finally, the
neglect wound. What were you not given as a child
(41:05):
that you still need? These things will impact us, and
I think dealing with them now really engaging in some
of that introspection, that self growth, that self awareness is
an important long term investment in our future and in
our present moment as well. Thirdly, this one's about confidence.
(41:27):
You got to start faking it till you make it.
You know it's something that I've learned recently that no
one can really tell the difference between when you're pretending
that you're confident, when you're pretending that you feel amazing,
and when you actually are. And I think that that
almost self gaslighting, that self lie that you tell yourself
(41:48):
gives you the confidence that we're all after during this decade,
and it builds your self esteem. I think our twenties
are not a time to be worrying about things like
our bodies, or worrying about things like what we're wearing
or what people think about us, or holding back from
situations because we don't believe in ourselves. And when you
start to fake that level of confidence, when you start
(42:11):
to feel brave and tell yourself that you're brave, your mind,
especially your unconscious mind, really begins to believe it and
it becomes a part of your reality rather than just
a fantasy or something that you're telling yourself. You know,
your mind actively monitors your behavior to determine your mood.
It's this thing called it's kind of like a version
(42:32):
of buyer feedback. So when you pretend to be confident,
when you pretend to be happy, when you pretend to
be I guess really self assured. That translates into a
real sense of that feeling. And I think this is
the time to really think of yourself as the shit.
(42:52):
To do things not because you think they're going to
impress other people, but because you want to do them.
To do things that are a little bit outrageous, and
go and make stories without worrying about judgment from other people.
To practice self confidence, to bring it into your mindset
and your approach to your life. Fourth, take care of
(43:13):
your body. You know, it's not a time to worry
about looks, it's not a time for vanity, but it
is a time to realize that your body is your
forever home and it's not going to go anywhere without you.
It is truly the only body that we have. And
I think a lot of the regrets that people express
when they're older, and a lot of the things that
(43:34):
people wish they had done is take better care of
themselves when it was easier to do that. So I'm
not saying do like a full on seventy five hard transformation,
but think about the small ways that you can treat
your body with kindness and the small ways that you
can thank it for getting you through every day, for
being there with you, for carrying you through every single experience. Fifth,
(43:59):
this one, I feel like is super self explanatory. If
you're in your twenties, I'm guessing you are, I think
it's time to go to therapy. And I know that
that is something that everyone says, but they say it
for a really good reason. And it links back to
that earlier tip about you know, letting go of your ego,
(44:20):
understanding your childhood wounds. Doing that work now, to know yourself,
to know what triggers you, to know what things you're
carrying with you that impact your behavior, is so so valuable,
and it gives you an awareness that I think a
lot of people don't have. And the way that that
shows up in our lives, and especially for the people
(44:42):
who don't do this, is that they reach thirty or
forty and it's only then that they really start to
unpack why they feel the way they do. And it's
not that by then it's too late, but it's that
by then they've missed a good ten, fifteen, twenty years
in which they maybe could have been more aware of
(45:02):
what they were going through and could really shake hands
with who they are and really practice some of that
self love and some of that self awareness that guides
our decisions and allows us to make better decisions, allows
us to just be happier people. My next tip is
to find a hobby or something that you love doing.
(45:24):
I think when we transition into adulthood, as we are
doing in our twenties, a major experience we find is
that a lot of our time becomes dominated by work,
and it becomes very easy, I think, for us to
be very one dimensional creatures and one dimensional beings who
don't focus or prioritize on what actually makes us happy.
(45:44):
Hobbies are amazing for giving yourself I guess, intricacy and
dimension to your person to also activating a bit of
a flow state and bringing you enjoyment, activating different parts
of your brain that you don't want to lose. You know,
it's that saying of you know, you use it or
lose it. But we can also say that when you
(46:07):
choose to activate your different neural pathways in different parts
of your brain and even your body to create something,
or do something, or to play, that is a really
really valuable way of keeping our mind alive, keeping us
interested in life, keeping us engaged in what's making us happy.
So finding a hobby that you love, you know it
(46:27):
might not be forever, but always having something on the
side that makes you a multi dimensional person is super
super valuable for this decade. And my final tip to
end this series is to be silly, is to have fun.
And oh my goodness, I feel like such a primary
school teacher or like a I don't know, like a
(46:48):
high school teacher here being like, what's our number one
priority to have fun? But really, this is your time
to be completely joyful. We don't want to lose that
during what feels like a really tumultuous and overwhelming period. Play.
Engage in play, be silly, find ways to really activate
that fun, loving part of you, to make mistakes, to
(47:11):
laugh at yourself, to make funny stories that might be embarrassing,
they might be cringe, but what they really are is
just beautiful, wonderful memories. So I think engaging in play
doesn't just have really important psychological benefits, but it's so
good for us emotionally. It's so good for us mentally.
(47:32):
It keeps us in the present moment as well, and
it keeps us searching for joy in our lives. I
really hate that sometimes we feel like we have to
grow up too quickly and make a lot of decisions,
and suddenly we turn twenty five and we're adults. So
we turn twenty one and where adults and all of
that childlike wonder disappears. But I'm hoping that if you're
(47:56):
listening to this right now, you're not going to become
one of those people. You're someone who is going to
prioritize being silly, keeping the adventure alive, keeping yourself in
the present moment, and looking for joy. So that is
going to conclude this little mini series on how to
create your dream life in your twenties. If you haven't
already listened to episode one, we talk a lot more
(48:19):
in depth around Koreer finances, are taking risks, quitting your job,
everything to kind of do with professional and financial development.
And I know the series was only true parts, but
in making it, I was like, there is so much
more here that I could say, we could do like
an entire component episode on how you treat yourself physically
(48:44):
and ways to take care of your mental health in
your twenties to create your dream life, But for now,
we're going to keep it to these five categories. And
I really do hope that you enjoyed this episode. I
am still someone in my twenties, so I'm not going
to say this is expert advice, but fully is comforting
to know that a lot of people out there are
having the same conundrums, dyn lemmas experiences that you are.
(49:08):
We are all trying to figure it out, and we
are going to make mistakes, but mistakes are just beautiful
lessons and beautiful stories, and that's what this decade is
all about, not trying to do everything right, but trying
to do everything with life and do everything with excitement
and with energy. So I hope that message has come
through really strongly in this episode and the first episode
(49:28):
we did on this series as well as always. If
you enjoyed this episode, if you like the show, please
feel free to give it a five star review on
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. Share it
with a friend you never know who might need to
hear some of this advice. I don't know if it
was good advice, but even if it's bad advice, maybe
(49:49):
you can have a little discussion over where I went wrong.
Please feel free to inform me if that is the
case and get in contact at that Psychology podcast on
Instagram if you have an episode suggestion, if you just
want to see behind the scenes or what's coming up,
or video content. I'd love to see the community grow
over there, and thank you so much for listening to
(50:09):
this episode and to the first episode as well if
you were there for that. We will be back next
week with another episode, so see you then.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever
you are in the world, and formerly, welcome back to
this little mini series I'm doing this week focusing on
how we can create our dream life in our twenties,
where I'm going to be kind of combining all the
best advice, the psychology, the evidence, personal philosophy, and more
(00:50):
from across all these different dimensions in our twenties that
I think cause us a lot of strife, so things
like our careers, our finances, love, friendships, the future, and
of course our personal growth. So this is part two
of this week's series where we're going to be talking
about love, dating, friendship, and also focusing on some of
(01:14):
that deeper emotional and psychological work that I think we
need to undertake in this decade. If you haven't listened
to part one, please go and listen to that episode
where we kind of cover more tips around managing career anxiety,
feeling stuck taking risks, and we talk about money as well.
But also you can listen to this episode completely on
(01:37):
its own if the questions you're facing your dilemmas are
more to do with kind of your interpersonal relationships and
some of that deeper emotional content about twenties that this
decade really brings to the surface. I think the concerns
we have around our future and even our present as well,
do fall into these different categories. We worry about being
(02:00):
happy in our jobs, not tying ourselves down to some
stagnant nine to five, getting the most out of these
formative years. But then on a deeper level, we have
a lot of questions around building meaningful relationships. You know,
how many friends do we actually need? Are we settling
down too quickly? Should we be dating more, dating less?
(02:21):
What is the right way to do this time? What
is the right way to make the most out of
this decade. I think the reason we worry so much
about love and relationships in particular, just on like a
universal human level is well, A, they are incredibly significant
and impactful, and I think B we don't want to
(02:43):
live with regret that maybe we fell in love too
soon or too late. Or with the wrong person. As humans,
regret is a really powerful motivator because it is one
of the only emotional experiences that we can't fix. What's
in the past is in the past, and our recognition,
I think of that permanency of all of those decisions
(03:05):
really bleeds into the present, and it causes us to
be very overwhelmed by the many avenues and choices that
are presented to us, because we don't want to choose
wrong and then potentially close an important door, especially during
this period where we feel like endless doors are open
to us, that we're still in this kind of free
(03:26):
flowing state of being able to make choices and mistakes.
So we're going to talk about that a little bit more.
But I think additionally, one of the other reasons a
lot of us are looking for answers or an answer
to some of these questions is because we have been
sold a very glamorous idea that there is a correct
way to live your twenties and also an incorrect way.
(03:50):
You know, shows like Sex in the City and Friends. Honestly,
any movie or TV show focused on people in their
twenties living in New York is such a major culpriate
the media really delivers very targeted and effective cues that
sell a fantasy of what this decade should look like,
one of young love and chaos and partying, millions of friends,
(04:13):
high paying jobs where no one really ever actually works.
And I think, firstly, that's not everyone's idea of happiness.
Like we discussed in Part one, everyone is going to
have a different conception of what is going to bring
them fulfillment in this decade. But secondly, this glamorous depiction
of what we should be doing is not really it's
(04:36):
not reality, and yet that is really our only reference
point for a lot of us. And you can feel
like if you're not meeting this image, that your life
is off track, or that you're missing out, or that
somehow you're going about this wrong and you're going to
really be haunted later in life that you didn't take
(04:56):
more risks or you didn't live this romantic, gol glamorous
twenty something fantasy. So I think we really need to
let go of these narrow ideas of what we thought
our life was going to look like, based on fiction
or based on expectations, And when we give ourselves that freedom,
I think our lives really turn out better than what
(05:18):
we had in mind, not because it's any easier, but
because it's your experience. Those experiences and memories that you're
choosing to make, even if they're different from what everyone
is telling you to do, they get to be yours
and you get to make them special and romanticize the
things that maybe the media and those around you don't.
(05:39):
You know, our twenties are a lot more messy than
we've been told. Our problems are not neatly wrapped up
in some plot twist. By the end of the episode,
we feel our emotions so intensely. So I want to
do this episode as a bit of a reality check
for those of us who are maybe worried that we're
falling behind, we're missing out, because I promise it's not
(06:02):
just you feeling that way. Every single one of us
is feeling a little bit stuck in some aspect of
our lives. And anyone who is pretending that they haven't
all sorted out is either faking it till they make it,
which I appreciate, or it's in for a very rude
awakening because every single one of us is doing this
for the first time. We are all new to life
(06:23):
and with that every new year, every new situation we encounter,
and the stories we're going to create, they're going to
be different. There is no right way to live our
lives during this period, and you don't need to be
living someone else's storyline to be happy. On the other hand, though,
I do think that this decade promises a lot in
(06:46):
terms of freedom, in terms of opportunity and chaos and
fun and that emotional richness that we really need to
reach out and grab. We really have a duty to
give our future selves some good stories, but also some
important connections and some meaningful lessons as well. So a
big focus of our last episode was on regret, and
(07:09):
I think when we talk about love and relationships and friendships,
there's a lot of possibility for that, but we know
that we are more likely to regret the decisions that
we didn't make than the ones that we do. And
that's really the theme that is going to flow through
all of these tips. If in doubt, do it, especially
in your twenties, always fall in love as much as
(07:32):
you can say yes to everything, but also don't be
afraid to say goodbye. You know this is your time
to set yourself up for future success. Whilst also not
putting too much pressure on yourself. And I think when
we break that down and really focus on some of
those core properties that is going to allow us to
really create our dream life, it becomes a lot easier
(07:54):
to feel like we're allowed to have our own story
and feel like our mistakes are not going to be
life ending or cause us to live with regrets. So
let's talk about all of this what we need to
prioritize to quote unquote make the most out of this decade.
But also I would say some of the things that
(08:15):
we need to decenter that can be a later issue,
an issue for our thirties or our forties. We're going
to talk love, friendships, and of course personal growth, bringing
as much of the psychology and the evidence to the
table and some of the studies as well, because they
are so fascinating and boundless and just really really applicable.
(08:37):
So if you're facing some of those existential questions, if
you're worried that your formative years might be slipping by,
I promise we are all in it together. I'm here
with you, and hopefully I can give you some of
my hard earned advice to pull yourself out of that
rabbit hole and create your dream situation, create your dream
(08:57):
life in your twenties. So, without further ado, let's get
into it. The reason I think a lot of us
face this insecurity that we're doing our twenties wrong is
because we are sold something. We are given this example
of what this decade should look like that is full
(09:20):
of contradictions. You know, you need to have a million friends,
but also quality over quantity, and you know, young love
and childhood sweethearts, but also you need to get out there.
You need to have an abundant dating experience, don't sleep
with too many people, but you also need to have
all those wild sexual stories. You need to party hard
and do stupid things, but also make sure you're prioritizing
(09:43):
self care and taking care of your body. And so
we're stuck in this like dilemma where we're like, oh
my goodness, there are so many different options here. How
do I know that by choosing one, I'm not going
to look back later and wish that I'd done more
of that other thing. Here's the secret that I've learned.
You can do all of that, but you can't do
(10:03):
it all at once. This decade is full of seasons.
And though your age might be linear, your experiences don't
need to be because, like we said in episode one,
you're not a passive agent in your life. If you're
unhappy with something at any stage, you can change that.
You get to make decisions for yourself at any point.
(10:26):
I'm going to start off by talking about friendships, because
I think that our friendships are incredibly, incredibly defining. You know,
there's this very famous theory that you are an amalgamation,
a mirror of the five people closest to you. You
reflect back their qualities and their values and their personalities.
(10:47):
And I have a really deep belief that it is
the people of your twenties that make your twenties, our
community and our friends. They are the first priority, I think,
and really the one that can make or break the
so called dream life in this decade. So let's start
off by talking about these unique relationships. Firstly, I'm not
(11:09):
going to pretend that it's easy to make friends in
your adulthood. We all know it's super tough. I'm sure
a lot of us have found that people really stick
to their groups and what they know, sometimes at the
detriment of more fulfilling connection. I think every single one
of us sometimes struggles with this feeling that we don't
(11:30):
have enough friends, that we could have more friends. I
call it this thing, the rollercoaster of loneliness, and I
was talking to a friend about it the other day.
Every six months or three months, I'll get this like
deep despairing feeling that I am incredibly lonely and I
have no one in my life and I know that's
not true. It always lasts for about a week, and
(11:50):
then I come out of it the other side. And
as I've spoken more to my friends, I've realized that
this is really common. We go through these lulls and
these dips and these plateaus in which we feel like
we don't have enough people around us to bring us joy.
So I'm not going to sell you some secret formula,
because I know that it's very hard. Even when we
have an abundance of friends, it's hard to appreciate them.
(12:13):
But something I've found that has helped me truly cultivate
the best friendship group and friends I have ever had,
the people who genuinely elevate my life to the next level,
was to firstly treat everyone I met for the first
time like they were already my best friend, that I'd
known them my whole life. And secondly, to just say
(12:35):
yes to everything you know. Don't allow yourself to shut
off certain people just because you think you won't be
aligned or because you've become too comfortable. You know, you
have to socialize and live with an abundance mentality, especially
during this time when we have so much freedom. We
have so many years to develop these connections, and you
(12:58):
don't know how these relationships are going to turn out.
So I think you have to go to those parties
where you don't know anyone and really put yourself into
new situations. If someone asks if you want to grab
a drink, yeah you do, of course you do. If
someone wants you to help them move, yeah, sure, you
just got to talk to new people. And who cares
if they don't like you? Who cares if it doesn't
(13:19):
work out. I think it's a worse outcome to walk
past a missed connection, to maybe miss out on meeting
someone wonderful and life changing out of a fear of judgment.
Then you know, potentially face the reality that you just
weren't connected. I think it takes a while to find
good friends. That's something that I've learned they are rare.
(13:40):
It's not going to be an instantaneous connection with everyone,
So don't be afraid to go through some trial and
error to put yourself out there, to take a risk
and be bold, because people, I think, really respond to that.
People respond to others who are peer confident, who are
peer assertive, who express interest in them. It's this foundational
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idea in psychology of reciprocity. What you give others, they
feel compelled to give you back. And I really think
that is the secret formula to discovering new relationships and
new connections during this decade. Treat everyone like they are
already your best friend, and this foundational idea of reciprocity,
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give them what you want them to give you back.
Something else I think is important to learn during our
twenties is that sometimes we come across people who just
don't like us. And the thing is that someone else's
opinion of you is not your problem. It is really
none of your business. It's bothering them more than it
should ever bother you. Unless they've really proven that they
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deserve to be in your life, unless they've proven that
they are a good friend. Their opinion is really none
of your business. It's not something that should be causing
you any stress. It's just someone's thoughts, and you have
your own thoughts and your own beliefs around your goodness
and your value in someone's life. I also think that
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something that I have personally realized is that you can
never have too many friends, especially during this decade. So interestingly,
there was a recent study published in the journal Psychology
and Aging, and what it showed was that when it
comes to friendships, it's actually quantity over quality that matters
(15:30):
in your twenties and vice versa in your thirties. So
that pattern people who had more friends in their twenties
but better friends in their thirties, that was a massive
predictor of later psychological well being. And they actually tracked
participants for over thirty years, and what they found was
that people in their twenties who had more than ten
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good friends were more likely to have better friends in
their thirties and be happier with how they had spent
that decade of their lives. So I don't want to
say this in terms of being of almost fear mongering
and being like, well, if you don't have that, you
know you're destined to be really lonely and sad. I
(16:11):
do not think that is the case. Of course, this
is an observational study. There's always nuance, and I think
it's equally important to make sure that we are also
nurturing those really quality relationships and those longer term friendships
as well. So that's tip number two. Make time for
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old friends. We all know what it's like to outgrow
certain people from your past. That's natural, it's normal, it's
something you should be embracing to make room for other people.
But we really cannot overstate the value of a friend
who has known you for as long as you've kind
of known yourself, known your adult self. You know, these
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are the people who have been beside you for multiple chapters.
They probably know you better than you know yourself self
at some point, and they know those really intimate things
that have happened in your past. They've probably carried you
through them. And I think the reason these relationships are
so important is because those shared memories create very deep
(17:15):
emotional bonds. But they're also a really key ingredient to
a long term sense of stability and emotional consistency. Finding
that balance between creating new friendships and trusting and relying
on the people that got you. There is one that
we really need to strike during this decade, and sometimes
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that can be difficult. I know a lot of us
live in new cities or new places. We move for college,
we move for jobs, we move for partners. I like,
look at my friendship group now, and the people that
have known me longest are like scattered across the world,
and it can be very easy to not maintain those
relationships and to let them fizzle. I'm telling you now
(17:59):
you will regret that that is the easy thing to do,
But in the long run, I think it's the wrong
thing to do, because these people are the ones who
have already been by your side for so long. So
sending them the occasional text, organizing a little FaceTime call
that's like an hour out of your week, an hour
out of your month. But when you're older, when maybe
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you're a little bit wiser, you're going to be really
grateful that you put in that time and that effort
when you could. And I also think you get that
beautiful opportunity to introduce your old friends and your new
friends and to see how you've changed, and to kind
of build that circle of community around yourself. A lot
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of what creating our dream life in our twenties is
about is making decisions now that might feel like a
little bit of extra effort, but in the long run
are an investment in a really beautiful future. And tip
number three, if you're looking for ways to have that
dream social circle, I know that that's a massive theme
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that people or a massive kind of goal that a
lot of people have during this decade, that dream group,
that big posse of friends. Tip number three is to
do it yourself. Be the instigator. Stop waiting for other
people to kind of come to you. Remember it's about agencies,
so you should be creating those memories that you want
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to make and invite people into them. You feel like
you know your friends maybe don't do enough wholesome activities,
Well you should plan them. Or you want to do
more traveling, invite people to come with you. You want
to see your friends more often, reach out. I think
the most the most beautiful kinds of people are the
ones who create community for those around them, And it's
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a really beautiful opportunity to be that person. Things like
doing dinner nights once a week and inviting you know,
whoever wants to come. I sometimes do that out on Sundays.
I've been a bit busy recently, but earlier this year
and at the end of last year, I got into
this habit of every Sunday I would make like a
massive Italian feed and I just kind of float the
(20:13):
invite out there. I would invite someone new every time
and be like, do you guys want to come over
and have dinner and we can play cards? And the
amount of people that were like, Yeah, I want to
do that because there's someone there instigating that sense of
community and that sense of connection for them. Things like
painting nights, themed parties, asking if people want to go
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and do a boxing class with you, going for a hike,
if you want to have that friendship circle, if you
want to have those memories. I think it's a really
important thing to realize that someone else isn't going to
do that for you, and you really have to be
the captain of your own journey and you know, the
captain of your own ship, as corny as that sounds,
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and be the instigator. I get that a lot of
these tips have been about building community and acquiring new
friendships and developing old ones and really adding people to
that social circle. I think that is a key ingredient.
But also I want to know and for Tip four,
I think that we should not be afraid to let
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go of people just out of nostalgia or loneliness because
we feel a sense of obligation or we're you know,
we're scared of being alone. Friendships in our twenties aren't
all about new beginnings. They're about endings as well, and
I think one of the universal experiences we're going to
go through is that friendship breakup, that unique kind of staying,
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of losing someone you never thought that would leave your life,
you know, not like an ex partner or even a parent.
We think of our friendships as a chosen family or
a forever family. But I have a mantra that I
repeat to myself all the time, which is that friends
are a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Sometimes they're
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there to guide you through a new period in your life.
Sometimes they're there to teach you a lesson or to
teach you something about yourself. And then sometimes we get
lucky and they're there for the rest of our lives.
But I think that when we hold onto people out
of fear, that maybe we won't find someone better, And
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I know that that's not the healthiest mentality to be like, Oh,
is there someone better out there for me? But what
I'm talking about is holding onto those stale relationships that
really don't bring you joy anymore. I want us to
think about this hypothetical that I think about a lot
when I feel guilt for doing that. Imagine still being
friends with every single person that you've known since you
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were like four years old, making time for them every week,
having a meaningful relationship. It would overwhelm us and we
would eventually become a pretty terrible friend. So naturally, I
think we are going to be forced to let some
of those people go. In the nineteen nineties, actually this
really well known psychologist called Robin Dunbar. He came to
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this conclusion that realistically, we can only cognitively and emotionally
handle a maximum of one hundred and fifty social relationships
over the course of our lives, and that includes with friends,
with family, with colleagues, with acquaintances, and really the golden
number there is no more than ten really close friends.
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I think often our twenties are a time in which
we are forced to shed some of those relationships that
might not be serving us during that moment. For people
who might better suit our lives and our personalities and
our priorities, especially friends who you've not just grown apart from,
but who might actually be not contributing to your life
(23:52):
in a positive way. People who bring you down, people
who aren't adopting the kind of lifestyle that you might
want to live. You know, you aren't who you were
eighteen or even twenty one or later. And really understanding
that compatibility is a hallmark of a good friendship, and
that compatibility is going to change and wane. That is
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really important so that we don't feel like we need
to almost be greedy with the people in our lives
and hold on to every single connection because we're nostalgic
or we're afraid of being alone in the future. All Right,
we're going to take a short break before we come
back and tackle love and relationships, So stay tuned. We
(24:37):
will be back shortly right after this short break. Being
in our twenties and dating feels like being in the trenches.
You know, one part of us wants to like find
someone really lovely and settle down, but then we're worried that,
you know, if we do it too soon, if we're
(24:58):
too young, we're missing out and all these dating experiences
and all these fun stories that people seem to have,
So there really isn't like a right option. And sometimes
we can feel like the decisions we're making, the choices
we're making, yeah, they feel great right now. But what
if we come to have a lot of remorse around
(25:18):
our decisions or regret that maybe we should have done
it differently, maybe we should have been more open or
more closed off to some of those experiences. I think
the reason we worry about love and we stress about
whether we're doing it the quote unquote right way is
because it is a big aspect of our development during
this period. It's a really emotionally profound experience. It's what
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we call in psychology, especially some of our first relationships,
our first experience with love, we call it an emotional milestone.
So that is a psychologically significant experience that unlocks new skills,
new core memories, new behaviors, and in some way new
facets of our personality. And I think young love is
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I wouldn't say it's overhyped, but it is really romanticized
and glamorized because those relationships play a huge role in
who we turn out to be in our twenties, and
there is no one way to do it correctly. But
I think what we want to avoid is three groups
of people, the time wasters, the energy stiflers, and the
shallow loves. There is no point being in a relationship
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just for the sake of it with any of these
types of people during this decade, not for the experience,
not to feel like you're ticking off some box. These
people will just detract from your life. You know, you
don't get that time back, that time you spend investing
in people, and I think that they do bring important lessons,
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but we could have learnt those lessons better by perhaps
choosing more wisely or choosing to be alone for life longer.
And I think doing that and claiming that time back
for yourself starts by really focusing inward and learning that
our own company is better than the company of someone
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who doesn't give us the love and the attention we deserve.
So my first tip for creating your dream life in
your twenties centered around love is to learn to enjoy
doing things alone, learn and appreciate the value of solitude
and independence. This is perhaps one of the only times
when you might have the chance to be completely alone,
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to have the opportunity to solo travel, to move to
a new city without knowing anyone, to not have the
obligations of maybe a partner or kids or aging family members,
and to just be a little bit selfish with your time,
and to really enjoy and appreciate that solitude and those
(27:55):
periods of maybe even loneliness. Solitude is such an incredibly
psychologically profound and sacred experience, but it's also something that
we have to choose to prioritize. It's very easy to
surround ourselves with people, especially in our twenties, when all
of our friends are incredibly accessible, and we also have
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this fear of being alone because we have long stigmatized solitude.
It's been widely considered as an inconvenience, is something to avoid,
a punishment. But when we choose to prioritize being in
our own company, learning who we are when we're not
surrounded by other people, it's incredibly empowering. So in this
study called Narratives of Solitude amazing research title, these research
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has found that when our loneliness I guess or when
time spent alone is self imposed, it actually improves things
like introspection and improves self awareness and also the quality
of the relationships that we do have. So how do
we integrate that. I think you need to spend at
least one day a month in your own company, doing
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something without speaking to someone else, without needing someone else
to validate your existence or your experiences. And I think
that really helps us learn that our existence is not
dependent on someone else's acknowledgment of it. Our experiences are
significant without someone else's input. I also think learning to
be alone during our twenties is a really valuable skill
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that will serve you later in life, when perhaps your
solitude is not self imposed. You will know that you
have these skills, the ability to enjoy your own company,
to actually really what's the word like just almost savor it,
to really savor the fact that you get time to
just know yourself, to be yourself without the opinions, the judgment,
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the validation of others. Also, I think not being afraid
to be alone also allows us to walk away from
things that don't serve us, not just in our twenties,
but you know, in later life as well. And here
I'm talking specifically about relationships. So This leads me to
tip number two. If you've been in a relationship with
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someone for less than two years and it feels stressful
or toxic, or it takes too much time or energy
from you, you need to leave. That relationship is not
going to get any better, and this decade is not
the time to be making deeply emotional mental sacrifices for
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someone else. That time will come. That time will come
later when you're married to someone, when it's been twenty
or thirty years, and maybe that goes for every decade
as well. To not be with someone who is requiring
you to sacrifice your own identity and your own I
think time and energy that you would like to devote
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to yourself love should only seek to enhance your life,
and if you are fighting for this relationship to live on,
especially during these younger years, all of that effort is
being taken away from your own development and your own
time to put into your dream life. I think we
often want to cling onto these relationships even when they're
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not working, out of that fear that we won't have
value if we don't have a partner. And we talked
about this in the Stigma of Being Single episode. This
patriarchal historical influence that continuously reinforces that if we are
not dating, if we don't have someone in our lives,
if we're not looking for someone, somehow there's something about
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us that's deficient, or something about us that's shameful or wrong,
that maybe we can't attract love, or that we are
doing things in a way that is counter to what
our culture and our society expects us to do, which
is to prioritize romance and love above all else. But
they should not be constraining you, especially in what should
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be a selfish period of your life. It's also important
to remember that the relationships you have at this stage
will influence how you form connection later on, so it's
probably worth being a little bit picky. They've conducted recent
studies on this that has demonstrated how our very early
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romantic experiences, our interactions, our relationships, might be just as
impactful for our attachment style as the ones we developed
with our parents in childhood. I'm going to really reinforce
that we often think in psychology that how our attachment
style is formed is mainly due to things like temperament,
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but also parental influence. So if your parents were neglectful
or really inconsistent with how they showed you unconditional love.
That's going to influence how you connect and attached to
people in the future. But what some of these studies
are showing us is that it is not just those
early childhood experiences, but those early twenty something experiences as well.
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So it's better to be alone that in a situation
that doesn't serve you, because that doesn't just impact your
present enjoyment of your life, but your future ability to
actually form those intimate, vulnerable connections. It's a real privilege
to learn who you are beyond someone else's identity or
attachment to you, and some people don't get that. So
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I would say, if it's not the right person, don't settle.
I would much rather be single till I was forty
than settle now and find myself questioning my worth, my decisions,
feeling lost and disconnected later on in life. This leads
to my next tip, which is to stay single as
long as possible, and I think that's a combination of
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the above two tips. The reason I say this is
because I really truly believe that our twenties are our
decade for us to use to know ourselves better. This
is the time before you have responsibility and obligations to
fully engage in that self discovery. That introspection and the
wrong relationship, as we discussed above, can interrupt that. So
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you need to spend more time falling in love with
yourself then falling in love with people who bring you down,
who make you question your work, or who kind of
suck everything out of you. We also have to face
the reality that your time is limited and it really
needs to be divided between numerous priorities and obligations. You
have twenty four hours in the day. You've got to
(34:33):
spend some of that, you know, doing your basic needs, eating, sleeping,
working and taking care of your body, spending time with friends,
calling family, working on your projects. All those things should
come first, and then you should have time for your
relationship if that's something that you choose to do. But
that time is still limited. So when you decide to
(34:54):
invest time in someone, what is that taking away from
and is that a sacrifice you're willing to to make
at this point in your life? And the best relationships,
they truly do, occur when you have a good understanding
of your wants, your needs, yourself, your values. That's incredibly attractive.
That is what attracts good people into your life, the
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ones that you want to stay. Is that confidence and
that self awareness. And I think when we're desperate, when
we don't have a clear sense of who we are
without other people, we really see relationships or a partner
as just a box to tick to prevent feelings of
loneliness or feelings of inadequacy. And I never think that
(35:37):
we should be in a relationship in our twenties or
at any age for those reasons. Finally, my last tip
is to embrace heartbreak and fall in love hard. Now
that might sound counterintuitive based on what I've previously said,
but remember we're thinking about choosing the right people here.
(35:58):
And I also think that we shouldn't be soared of
loving deeply and having our heart broken. Heartbreak creates very
real physical pain. We know that. We've seen that in
MRI studies looking at how how pain receptors are activated
by emotional pain just as much as physical pain. So
as humans, I think we instinctually want to avoid that.
(36:18):
We want to avoid deep, vulnerable connections because it's innate
to kind of some of our survival instincts, especially if
we've been hurt in the past. But I think the
depth of emotions created by getting your heart tremendously irreparably
broken is an experience that is such a blessing and
that we all need to have in our twenties because
(36:40):
it pushes you to a place of such depth, of
such knowing. It gives you empathy, It makes you more
in touch with yourself, it makes you more creative, and
that time in which everything seems chaotic, in which your
heart is literally aching, really gives you the moment to
figure out who you are and what you want your
(37:02):
future to look like. Some people scare us out of
loving heart. They make us feel embarrassed or ashamed for
being really, really open with how we're feeling and choosing
to really dive in deeply into those vulnerable, loving moments.
But I think a set an example. Don't shut yourself
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down because of someone else's inability to feel deeply because
of their emotional unavailability. Don't let them kind of callous
your heart and make you feel like you are not
a deeply emotional and sensitive person, and that is not
a beautiful thing, because it is that makes you such
a beautiful person. And I think each heartbreak in our
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lives has this opportunity and has this unique ability to
teach us something really valuable. I think it is so
sacred in a way. I wouldn't really have the life
I have now without my heartbreak. So I'm so grateful
to those people in hindsight for not only letting me
(38:04):
feel the full spectrum of human emotion to feel human,
but also giving me the encouragement to be better and
to wait for the person who would reciprocate my love,
and to not let myself be kind of hollowed out
by her. You need to, I think, just push and
rush and fall in love as much as possible, and
(38:28):
let your heart be broken and let it be raw,
and let it be open to those experiences, because that's
what makes life so spectacular, is having that connection with
this broad depth of human emotion. So finally, I want
to finish with my seven tips for personal growth that
help us create our dream life in our twenties. Seven
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things that I think we all need to work on
or focus on during this decade to get the most
out of this experience. Firstly, let go of your ego.
So ego is this Freudian concept. It's our sense of self,
it's our sense of responsibility to our self to do
what's best for us, And it's the way that we
interpret situations. When that is not kept in check, that
(39:15):
can really cut us off from certain experiences because ego
operates in two ways. One way is telling us that
we're not deserving of certain things, and the other way
is telling us that we're too deserving. So I think
where there is pride, there is missed opportunity. You are
not too good or not good enough for any experience
(39:36):
or any opportunity. And I think that when we let
go of our ego, and when we see ourselves as
a bit of a blank canvas, letting any experience become
part of the narrative, letting people into our lives, we
get a lot more out of this decade. My second
tip that we think we all really need to do
in our twenties is to unpack your childhood trauma and
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your childhood emotional wound. We know that the experiences we
have in childhood influence our adult perspectives and emotional approaches,
and that can have a lifelong impact and our twenties,
I think is when we first begin to recognize and
become cognizant of the ways that some of those early
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experiences are still causing pain and trouble for us later
in life. So we have a duty to really address
those whilst we still have that mental flexibility, whilst those
memories are fresh. So some of the wounds, I think
we need to examine our things, like the guilt wound.
What made you feel guilty as a child, The abandonment wound?
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When were there times that you didn't feel loved and
how is that being reflected in your current approach to
connection into what you deserve from your life? Betrayal wound,
How have you felt let down by people in your
past and how is that influencing how you think people
will let you down in the future. And finally, the
neglect wound. What were you not given as a child
(41:05):
that you still need? These things will impact us, and
I think dealing with them now really engaging in some
of that introspection, that self growth, that self awareness is
an important long term investment in our future and in
our present moment as well. Thirdly, this one's about confidence.
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You got to start faking it till you make it.
You know it's something that I've learned recently that no
one can really tell the difference between when you're pretending
that you're confident, when you're pretending that you feel amazing,
and when you actually are. And I think that that
almost self gaslighting, that self lie that you tell yourself
(41:48):
gives you the confidence that we're all after during this decade,
and it builds your self esteem. I think our twenties
are not a time to be worrying about things like
our bodies, or worrying about things like what we're wearing
or what people think about us, or holding back from
situations because we don't believe in ourselves. And when you
start to fake that level of confidence, when you start
(42:11):
to feel brave and tell yourself that you're brave, your mind,
especially your unconscious mind, really begins to believe it and
it becomes a part of your reality rather than just
a fantasy or something that you're telling yourself. You know,
your mind actively monitors your behavior to determine your mood.
It's this thing called it's kind of like a version
(42:32):
of buyer feedback. So when you pretend to be confident,
when you pretend to be happy, when you pretend to
be I guess really self assured. That translates into a
real sense of that feeling. And I think this is
the time to really think of yourself as the shit.
(42:52):
To do things not because you think they're going to
impress other people, but because you want to do them.
To do things that are a little bit outrageous, and
go and make stories without worrying about judgment from other people.
To practice self confidence, to bring it into your mindset
and your approach to your life. Fourth, take care of
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your body. You know, it's not a time to worry
about looks, it's not a time for vanity, but it
is a time to realize that your body is your
forever home and it's not going to go anywhere without you.
It is truly the only body that we have. And
I think a lot of the regrets that people express
when they're older, and a lot of the things that
(43:34):
people wish they had done is take better care of
themselves when it was easier to do that. So I'm
not saying do like a full on seventy five hard transformation,
but think about the small ways that you can treat
your body with kindness and the small ways that you
can thank it for getting you through every day, for
being there with you, for carrying you through every single experience. Fifth,
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this one, I feel like is super self explanatory. If
you're in your twenties, I'm guessing you are, I think
it's time to go to therapy. And I know that
that is something that everyone says, but they say it
for a really good reason. And it links back to
that earlier tip about you know, letting go of your ego,
(44:20):
understanding your childhood wounds. Doing that work now, to know yourself,
to know what triggers you, to know what things you're
carrying with you that impact your behavior, is so so valuable,
and it gives you an awareness that I think a
lot of people don't have. And the way that that
shows up in our lives, and especially for the people
(44:42):
who don't do this, is that they reach thirty or
forty and it's only then that they really start to
unpack why they feel the way they do. And it's
not that by then it's too late, but it's that
by then they've missed a good ten, fifteen, twenty years
in which they maybe could have been more aware of
(45:02):
what they were going through and could really shake hands
with who they are and really practice some of that
self love and some of that self awareness that guides
our decisions and allows us to make better decisions, allows
us to just be happier people. My next tip is
to find a hobby or something that you love doing.
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I think when we transition into adulthood, as we are
doing in our twenties, a major experience we find is
that a lot of our time becomes dominated by work,
and it becomes very easy, I think, for us to
be very one dimensional creatures and one dimensional beings who
don't focus or prioritize on what actually makes us happy.
(45:44):
Hobbies are amazing for giving yourself I guess, intricacy and
dimension to your person to also activating a bit of
a flow state and bringing you enjoyment, activating different parts
of your brain that you don't want to lose. You know,
it's that saying of you know, you use it or
lose it. But we can also say that when you
(46:07):
choose to activate your different neural pathways in different parts
of your brain and even your body to create something,
or do something, or to play, that is a really
really valuable way of keeping our mind alive, keeping us
interested in life, keeping us engaged in what's making us happy.
So finding a hobby that you love, you know it
(46:27):
might not be forever, but always having something on the
side that makes you a multi dimensional person is super
super valuable for this decade. And my final tip to
end this series is to be silly, is to have fun.
And oh my goodness, I feel like such a primary
school teacher or like a I don't know, like a
(46:48):
high school teacher here being like, what's our number one
priority to have fun? But really, this is your time
to be completely joyful. We don't want to lose that
during what feels like a really tumultuous and overwhelming period. Play.
Engage in play, be silly, find ways to really activate
that fun, loving part of you, to make mistakes, to
(47:11):
laugh at yourself, to make funny stories that might be embarrassing,
they might be cringe, but what they really are is
just beautiful, wonderful memories. So I think engaging in play
doesn't just have really important psychological benefits, but it's so
good for us emotionally. It's so good for us mentally.
(47:32):
It keeps us in the present moment as well, and
it keeps us searching for joy in our lives. I
really hate that sometimes we feel like we have to
grow up too quickly and make a lot of decisions,
and suddenly we turn twenty five and we're adults. So
we turn twenty one and where adults and all of
that childlike wonder disappears. But I'm hoping that if you're
(47:56):
listening to this right now, you're not going to become
one of those people. You're someone who is going to
prioritize being silly, keeping the adventure alive, keeping yourself in
the present moment, and looking for joy. So that is
going to conclude this little mini series on how to
create your dream life in your twenties. If you haven't
already listened to episode one, we talk a lot more
(48:19):
in depth around Koreer finances, are taking risks, quitting your job,
everything to kind of do with professional and financial development.
And I know the series was only true parts, but
in making it, I was like, there is so much
more here that I could say, we could do like
an entire component episode on how you treat yourself physically
(48:44):
and ways to take care of your mental health in
your twenties to create your dream life, But for now,
we're going to keep it to these five categories. And
I really do hope that you enjoyed this episode. I
am still someone in my twenties, so I'm not going
to say this is expert advice, but fully is comforting
to know that a lot of people out there are
having the same conundrums, dyn lemmas experiences that you are.
(49:08):
We are all trying to figure it out, and we
are going to make mistakes, but mistakes are just beautiful
lessons and beautiful stories, and that's what this decade is
all about, not trying to do everything right, but trying
to do everything with life and do everything with excitement
and with energy. So I hope that message has come
through really strongly in this episode and the first episode
(49:28):
we did on this series as well as always. If
you enjoyed this episode, if you like the show, please
feel free to give it a five star review on
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. Share it
with a friend you never know who might need to
hear some of this advice. I don't know if it
was good advice, but even if it's bad advice, maybe
(49:49):
you can have a little discussion over where I went wrong.
Please feel free to inform me if that is the
case and get in contact at that Psychology podcast on
Instagram if you have an episode suggestion, if you just
want to see behind the scenes or what's coming up,
or video content. I'd love to see the community grow
over there, and thank you so much for listening to
(50:09):
this episode and to the first episode as well if
you were there for that. We will be back next
week with another episode, so see you then.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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