August 24, 2023 • 41 mins
In this week's episode we discuss the psychology of your ego and what its trying to tell us! Ego can feel nasty and entitled but it comes from a place of deep insecurity that we need to unpack before we can truly understand ourselves. We look at the 6 signs your ego is in control, where ego comes from and how to replace it with self esteem and humility. We also discuss why ego and self confidence are different things even though they sometimes look similar: how ego is insecure, inconsistent and relies on the perceived inferiority of others whilst confidence is stable, sure and kind. Remember, you are not your ego so in this episode we talk how to rein it in, accept it as part of who we are and move forward. Listen now.
My Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ThePsychologyofyour20s
My Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:27):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode. Today, we're tackling
a very frequently requested topic and also one of the
major concepts in psychology and how we can sceptualize this self.
(00:49):
So I'm actually quite surprised that I've never done a
full episode on this before. What I'm talking about is ego,
that nasty feeling we all get sometimes that may be
we're a little bit better than others, that maybe we
deserve more, that life is unfair to us, or we
are somewhat too good for our reality. That feeling is
(01:10):
a really hard one to come to terms with. None
of us like feeling entitled, and I think we can
often involuntarily ignore when those feelings come up because it's
shameful to admit. But I also think that it is
still very much part of the human experience as we're
going to examine in this episode. There is such a
(01:32):
long list of explanations surrounding why our ego is sometimes inflated,
why we fear this way, what it's protecting us from,
perhaps how it's actually really reflecting some of our more
deeply rooted insecurities. Personally, I've been contemplating ego quite a
(01:52):
bit recently, whether my reality and my self perception is
based on truth or some kind of false idea of
how I see my And that's not really to say
that I'm up here sitting on a very high throne
pretending to look down on others. You know, I think
I'm way too Australian to ever have that perspective. I
think I'd get cut down pretty quickly. But it's much
(02:12):
more around am I actually worth the credit that I
give myself? Or am I delusional? And also is my
confidence and my self esteem really confidence or does it
come off as arrogance? Is that how people might see it?
And maybe that's something that you've been thinking about as well.
(02:33):
But I think to understand ourselves and their self in general,
we really firstly have to understand our ego. So we're
going to discuss that today. By kind of going back
to some of our very rudimentary psychology and examining the
very Freudian idea around ego and some of ego's friends,
(02:53):
like the ID and the super ego. We're also going
to discuss how ideas around ego have evolved and changed
in the modern era to be one that's very synonymous
with arrogance and self importance, and how that quality is
valued in some cultures more than others very interestingly, but
(03:14):
also what impact that has on us and some of
the crucial signs six, in particular that it might actually
be your ego in control. I also think, like I
reflected and was talking about before, being egotistical and being
confident can be very very similar and feel very similar,
(03:37):
but they're definitely very different things. You know, ego is
based in insecurity, in comparison, in the validation and success
of yourself compared to others. Whilst I think confidence is
very stable. It is this self assurance that we know
who we are, we know what we're about, and how
we choose to treat the people around us. So we're
(03:59):
also going to look at how we can tell the
difference and how to shift from acting from a place
of ego to acting from a place of self esteem, humility,
and grace. So I'm also going to give you four
key tips around that, one of which is a little
bit counterintuitive, but I promise you it makes sense when
(04:19):
I explain it. So I can't wait to discuss this
all with you today, the taboo of ego, the control
it has over every single one of us, but also
how do we accept it as part of human reality
and really transform those urges to ones of self confidence.
So I think, without further ado, let's discuss the real
(04:42):
psychology behind our egos. We cannot understand ourselves and also
our deeper self without first understanding the role and the
influence of our ego. It's a vital part of who
we are, and really, I think it's important to understand
(05:03):
how it compels us to behave in certain ways, entreat
others as well, and innate to that understanding is examining
and having a good grasp of the actual origins and
the basics of ego, because there's a few different ways
of viewing it. Some of them are helpful, some of
them are less helpful, And I think with most psychological
(05:26):
concepts that have been kind of extrapolated for everyday use.
There is always going to be some diffusion of accuracy
and how we use these terms and how we use
the term ego and refer to it throughout our daily lives.
So firstly, let's distinguish between the general psychobabble pop culture
(05:46):
understanding of ego and some of the deeper psychoanalytic research
and characterization of what this is, what purpose it serves,
why it exists, Because, like I said, there is a
big difference here. Psychologists have been defining and redefining the
ego for many, many years, but we really need to
(06:07):
start at Freud to get a good bird's eye view
of what it was intended to explain. So Freud was
the first psychologist to really introduce the idea of ego
into this field, and I really cannot overstate the waves
that his essay on this created at the time and
still to this day. I would say his initial paper
(06:30):
on this is possibly one of the most influential or
famous papers ever written in the field of psychology. It
has created entirely new fields of research and studies for
generations because of how novel his ideas really were. So
for Freud, our ego is really attached to our sense
(06:50):
of self. And in Latin, ego literally means I or
me or self, so our unconscious mind also referred to
as the self. So in some ways the same as ego.
It's controlled by three things, three unique influencers who are
all striving for control. Firstly the ego, and then we
(07:11):
have the ID, and finally the super ego. So the
last two are kind of left out of our conversations
on this because they're seen as kind of secondary characters
to the main player here. So our ID is this
very primitive, instinctual, wild part of our mind that is
(07:32):
in control of things like aggression, like our sexual urges.
It's driven by what Freud called the pleasure principle. So
that's part of our mind which many of us try
to suppress, the kind, you know, the part of our
mind which is really striving for deep emotional, primitive release,
the instant gratification of all of our desires, all of
(07:54):
our wants and our needs really at whatever cost. Now,
if we let that sign of us run freely, it
would be incredibly socially disruptive and chaotic. So this is
where our super ego comes in, and this is the
subconscious part of our mind that kind of acts as
a counterbalance to that really wild, unruly instinctual part of us.
(08:18):
So if the ID in this situation is kind of
the devil, the super ego is really the angel, kind
of the holder of all of our deep moral instincts,
our desire to be good. And importantly, the super ego
is what contains all of those internalized moral standards and
ideals that have been passed from generation to generation, from
(08:41):
our families, from our parents, from our society. It's really
our sense of right and wrong that tries to in
some ways civilize us. So the ear and the super
ego are kind of in this deep battle for control
of our mind, and our ego is the parent here.
Our ego, oh is the final decider. So what our
(09:02):
ego needs to do is balance both of these things
and try and come to some kind of decision about
how we act. And I think these days we really
think of the ego as synonymous with things like arrogance
or a really expanded unnatural sense of self worth. But
for Freud, our ego was the part of us in
(09:23):
control of reality, the part of us which takes in
all of the urges and the impulses from the ear
and then all of the good intentions of the super
ego and makes an informed decision about how we want
to represent ourselves to the world, what actions we actually
want to take. So I'm going to give a quick
example here to kind of really nail in this point.
(09:44):
Say you've been dating someone for a few months and
they do something that really annoys you. Maybe they stand
you up, maybe they forget to text you back, or
they get too drunk or do something stupid. In that moment,
the anger and the annoyance that we're bound to feel
is going to come from the eard and this part
(10:04):
of you might really want to lash out, to be furious,
to give them the silent treatment, to do the things
that might make you feel in the moment a lot better,
but that we know in the long run are probably
actually going to sabotage that relationship. So on the other side,
we have our super ego, and this is the part
of us that is pushing us to forgive, to act
(10:27):
in a way that is very emotionally pure and also
at times perhaps a little bit too passive. And the
ego's role here is to balance both of those perspectives
and act in a quite rational, self fulfilling way. So
for Freud, having a strong, well checked ego meant having
(10:48):
a strong sense of self awareness. However, when that ego
becomes unbalanced or misaligned to our reality, that's when we
start to see what we would call egotistical behavior, where
we are not really seeing reality and our role and
place in reality clearly enough, and we're kind of elevating
(11:08):
ourselves beyond perhaps where we actually stand objectively. This unbalanced,
overinflated ego is really what's aligned with our present day conceptualization.
It's kind of used more as a synonym of our
sense of self esteem or our sense of self importance,
how we see ourselves in relation to others, to our successes,
(11:29):
to our mistakes, and our sense of self worth. And
this is the perspective that we're going to take today.
Our ego is that combination of all of those hidden
aspects of our mind, our insecurities, our urges, our values,
our morals, and when it's out of balance, that's when
we begin to see those behaviors that society tells us
(11:49):
are not particularly desirable. But I think what's important to
note is that all of those behaviors that we see
as connected to being egotistical. Is this is really an
effort by our subconscious mind to protect us, to protect
our reality, to protect our sense of self esteem through
things like arguing or putting others down, or passive aggressiveness
(12:14):
in tolerance, blame, competition, distrust, self doubt. So what does
it look like when there's part of ourselves that it's
very normal and natural to have is disregulated and in control.
What are some of the signs to watch out for
that we're falling into a bit of an ego trap.
So I'm going to outline six in particular that perhaps
(12:36):
your ego has more control of your life then we
would like it to. Number one, you are noticing that
you always need to be right. So the ego is
at its core the picture of ourselves that our minds
have created to balance our self image, all of our
wants and the contents of the self, and our subconscious
(12:56):
mind wants that sense of self, particularly our positive sense
of self esteem, to really be maintained, because when it's
injured by things like rejection or embarrassment, it can cause
really emotional and mental pain that can feel quite profound.
And one thing that can challenge that kind of equilibrium,
and that can make us feel bad is being wrong
(13:19):
because it causes us to question our version of reality. Normally,
when our ego is in check, it can really take
on those mistakes. It's okay to be wrong and to
be corrected by other people. We take that with humility,
we integrate that into our understanding. We're okay to move
past that. But when our ego is overinflated, we become
(13:41):
incredibly defensive. We all have that experience of being friends
with someone who, no matter what, has to be right,
who corrects you instantly when you slip up. I love
this saying of like the actually friend you know, well,
actually that's not right. Actually that what this really means.
(14:01):
It's not a pleasant experience. And the reason people act
this way is because they are projecting a deeper insecurity
that their ego is unable to keep in check, perhaps
that they aren't smart enough or they aren't intelligent, so
they feel the need to overcompensate to regulate their self
esteem by always being correct. That is a huge sign
(14:22):
of an overinflated ego, because the healthy ego would be
able to manage being wrong without reacting in a way
that lets the id and lets those insecurities take control
and really act in a way that satisfies the hunger
and the need and the gratification of being right. Number two,
you're never happy with what you have. If you feel
(14:44):
constantly dissatisfied with what you have, you're consistently comparing yourself
to others what they have that you don't, feeling like
you should be entitled to that, and therefore maybe acting
out of a place of jealousy or envy. That's a
really huge sign that your ego is in control. That's
that entitlement is an indicator that perhaps you are not
providing yourself with enough challenge, with enough growth, but also
(15:08):
with humility. It's okay to sometimes full victim to a
bit of social comparison. We know that it's a very
innate biological, evolutionary urge to compare ourselves in order to
mediate our own expectations and our own behavior. But when
it comes from a place of almost anger, that's what
(15:29):
indicates that your ego is looking for some kind of
success or material possession, or a sign that you are
good enough to validate your self esteem. We think that
people who have more money or more followers or more friends,
or have those really nice clothes or better items than us.
We think that they are better, when really what we
(15:49):
should be measuring our happiness and success by is the
contents of our life, of our emotions, of our sense
of fulfillment. That's something that the healthy ego can do.
It can reflect on our beautiful attributes and what we
do have. So when we're constantly feeling entitled to want more,
to have more, to tear others down who might be
(16:13):
doing better than us, that's again a sign that the
ego is in control. Very similar to this is that
you find yourself judging others more often than usual. This
is what we call downward social comparison, and it's very
easy to get a momentary spike in our self esteem
when we're feeling inadequate by making others feel worse about themselves.
(16:35):
In psychology, downward social comparison is a defensive tendency that
occurs when we deliberately compare ourselves to people who we
perceive as worse off or worse than us, as a
way to elevate our own sense of self worth. This
might also manifest in thinking that you're too good for
some people too good to talk to them, too good
(16:58):
to include them, to be friends with them, to show
them compassion. That's honestly one of my biggest pet peeves.
I have this very deep belief that no one is
better than anyone else. There are very few people in
this world who do not deserve your respect. You know,
I met people when I was at Uni, and the
way that they treated me and kind of others as well,
(17:19):
and turned their nose up at people who they didn't
see as fitting into the INN group or being cool,
that left such a powerful impression. You get nothing out
of making other people feel bad just so that you
can feel better, and it's very short lasting. It closes
you off. And also people will remember how you made
(17:41):
them feel, and I think that's an important part of
being a good person and being a good human. Very
similar to what I mentioned before. Someone who is sure
of themselves, who has a consistent, sustainable sense of self,
shouldn't have to rely on these kinds of mental or
social tactics. So if you find yourself kind of walking
down the street and judging others almost internally, commenting on
(18:04):
what they're wearing, critiquing other people's actions, thinking to yourself.
I would never wear that, I would never do that. Really,
pull back for a second and contemplate why you're doing that.
Where is this urge coming from. Is that your ego talking,
Is that your egos need for self assurance and reassurance
or is that actually your reality? So number four, you
(18:28):
cannot manage failure, your sense of self quite literally cannot
take it. It would just further injure your self concept.
So you act in ways that are incredibly self sabotaging.
You withdraw, you procrastinate, you express under frustration as a
way of protecting that ego. And I think very similar
(18:48):
to this. And number five is that in those situations
where you are experiencing failure, you blame others when things
go wrong rather than taking personal account ability. So in
psychology we have this distinction between an external and an
internal locus of control, and it's this theory that articulates
(19:08):
how different people will make up different reasons for why
something didn't go their way. People with an internal locus
of control, they believe that they are responsible for their
own successes, and they can change things about their behavior
when an outcome is perhaps not what they wanted. So
if they encounter failure, they appreciate their own role in
(19:31):
that and what lesson they can take from that experience.
In contrast, people with an external locus of control, they
blame things outside of them, factors like other people, like luck, fate,
a rigged system. They blame all of those things for
their situation, and they don't believe that they are accountable
(19:52):
for what their encountering in their life. Not only does
that contribute to learned helplessness in which people really to
value their own agency, but it also can indicate once
again that your ego is overinflated, unbalanced, or in control,
especially when it comes to finding reasons to excuse things
(20:13):
that may hurt your sense of self importance. You can't
feel bad about something if it's not your fault. So
if your ego really needs protecting, it will attribute situations
that prompt guilt or humility to things that are beyond
our realm of agency. It's actually one of my favorite
(20:33):
concepts in psychology because it's very noticeable, I think within
others when they have an external lucus of control versus
an internal one. Something that I noticed a lot was
people who complain about a test and maybe a test
that's like really really hard, and they say that the
reason they failed was that someone was talking too loud,
(20:54):
that the teacher had made it way too difficult, that
the examiner the teacher had it out for them. That
might be true. Sometimes those things are true, but it
also might be that that external locus of control is
finding a way to protect your self esteem and protect
your ego. The final sign of a dysregulated, overinflated, unbalanced
(21:16):
ego is arrogance and feeling like you deserve more from
life or other people because you have some quality, some
unique attribute that others don't have. This is a common theme,
I think throughout those other five indicators we've discussed, but
I think it deserves its own spot because arrogance presents
itself a lot more overtly. Arrogant people need to be
(21:38):
the center of attention. They don't like compromise, they expect
special treatment, and they have what we would call a
superiority complex. It's interesting to me because this sounds very
similar to certain personality disorders, particularly narcissism. And actually there
have been some theories that a permanently disregulated ego or
(22:00):
an injured subconscious might actually be behind the existence of
these people in our society, those who have this preoccupation
with their own self importance, they're really entitled, they're interpersonally
quite exploitative. Narcissism, however, is a diagnosable disorder, and our
ego is just a part of us, right. There can
(22:23):
be times in which it's overinflated, in which it's acting
beyond what appears to be our sense of control, where
we are acting from a place of arrogance, but it
doesn't mean that it has the same lifelong implications and
the same kind of status as a personality disorder. Also,
our ego is a lot more flexible. It can be
kind of bended back into check when it's triggered to
(22:44):
protect us. And there's a few things that can do
this that might have caused an ego shift or an
overinflation just temporarily. Number one is a long string of
successes or failures. These both act as unexpected events that
alter our reality and our sense of self worth, and
they cause our ego to kind of have to adjust.
(23:06):
And that delay is what can cause that arrogance or
that over inflation. Things like bouncing back from a breakup.
Sometimes we really elevate our self confidence or our ego
really steps up to the plate and makes us feel
a sense of self importance or entitlement to make up
for the fact that actually, deep down we're really quite hurt.
(23:27):
Really similar to that is situations that make you feel
really emotionally uncomfortable. So I have an example of this.
I have this one X who I have always felt
really inferior around, and now when I run into this
person at parties or you know, out in the street,
I feel this like insane urge to just become an
(23:48):
egotistical monster because of all that historical insecurity, and I
respond by being like the complete opposite of who I am.
I always try and make it seem like I'm doing
so amazing and almost like brag about myself, And afterwards
I always really cringe because that's a really ugly part
(24:09):
of me that I'm not really used to, seeing this
false version of me that's kind of coming out and
trying to impress this person who I genuinely could not
care less about. At this stage, I can see now
that that's because my ego in that moment is being
triggered by those past events that have caused me emotional pain,
that have caused me to feel bad about myself, and
so it's trying to create almost a sense of being better,
(24:35):
or being entitled, or being successful as a way to
protect myself from having to feel those feelings around that person. Again,
our minds operate in such funny, unconscious ways to help
us out, and sometimes in trying to help us, actually
it acts in a really catiproductive, contradictory way and creates
(24:56):
more trouble. And sometimes I think we think that confidence
and I think about that in that situation, we think
that confidence and ego are the same things, or we
confuse our ego with confidence, and that's a distinction that
I really want to explore. How can we tell the
difference between when we're experiencing perhaps just a high self
(25:16):
esteem versus an untamed ego, they can feel really similar.
So I really want to discuss that next, along with
how we can shift from acting from a place of
ego to a place of self love, humility, and compassion.
So all of that and more after this short break.
(25:39):
I think there is a very thin line that separates
our self esteem from our ego. It's something I contemplate
a lot, especially as a woman, because sometimes I think
society likes to misconstrue our self confidence and our self
assurance as arrogance. But there is a distinction, and I
think villain self confidence won't actually do anything to soothe
(26:03):
our ego. I think we can still have those qualities
of being really amazing and claiming our power and knowing
our worth and having a stable ego. Additionally, I think
we all benefit every now and again from a bit
of an ego boost. It's nice to feel like you're
admired or you've done something right, and we don't want
(26:24):
to fall too deeply into humility because that can sometimes
actually contribute to poor self esteem when we can never
kind of take credit for our successes and our hard work,
and we can never take a compliment, and doing so
doesn't mean that your ego is out of control. You're
allowed to feel proud of yourself for your accomplishments without
(26:47):
trying to call yourself back into check and tell yourself
to be humble and to settle down. I think when
our ego is actually activated, that comes off very very differently.
It comes off as self entitlement and arrogance. You know,
that need to be right, that judgment, that is all
coming from a deep detachment from ourself. At the core
(27:08):
is this insecurity, and what I mean by that is
that our ego is once again acting as a way
to protect us from being injured by things that it
thinks will hurt our sense of self concept. Additionally, it's
quite relational, so it's quite comparative and almost based on
the existence of others. So our ego only really ever
(27:30):
acts out in front of other people, and it's very
loud in the presence of others because it's often in
those situations or when we are put in a position
where we feel the need to compare ourselves to others,
that our ego is triggered and so we self enhance,
we fluff out our feathers. That is almost a defensive mechanism.
(27:51):
In contrast, self confidence exists regardless of the actions, the opinions,
all the presence of others comes from that instability within
the self. But confidence comes from certainty and trust in ourself,
and like I said, it's very separate and irresponsive to others.
(28:11):
Confidence is always going to be there regardless of what
other people think of you, regardless of whether other people
around because it is an internal source of reinforcement of validation,
compared to ego, which is seeking the approval and validation
of others. I think the other distinction is that ego
is counterproductive and it causes us to act in ways
(28:32):
that are not aligned to our true selves, whereas self
confidence comes from knowing that true self and being comfortable
in that, trusting our choices and our decisions. And whilst
ego responds to distortions in reality, you know, feeling like
we're better than others or at times that we are
maybe undeserving of things, confidence is really rooted in the truth.
(28:54):
I know my value, I know who I am, I
know what I bring to the table, and we can
recognize the difference and when ego versus confidence is in
control a few ways. Firstly, you can tell when your
ego is triggered versus when you're responding from a place
of self esteem based on the direction of your energy.
(29:15):
So let me clarify this. If someone insults you, your
ego will ask you to respond by tearing them down,
finding a way to undermine them and prove that their
opinion is wrong or invalid, that you don't need to
listen to it, perhaps by identifying something about them that
you don't like or some personal fault. Confidence, on the
(29:37):
other hand, doesn't care if what they said is true.
It might be true, this person might believe it, but
we don't mind, we don't care, and so you don't
need to respond by retaliating. You don't need to respond
by reinforcing your self worth by bringing that person down.
But you dismiss the comment, You hold your head high,
and you provide that own positive self affirmation and through
(30:01):
your own means rather than through your comparison to someone else.
Confidence will never rely on your needing to feel better
than someone else, but ego often does rely on that
false sense of superiority. Secondly, ego feels uncomfortable and confidence
feels safe and healthy. When we act from that place
(30:22):
of an overinflated ego, all of that insecurity that is
driving this response will still exist after the fact. It's
not going to go anywhere. You're still going to feel bad,
You're still going to feel unstable. That deflated self esteem
will remain and you'll almost feel i would say, emotionally
(30:43):
hung over from that overactivity of your ego. When you're
relying on your confidence, you will still feel that sense
of reassurance your emotions are going to remain stable, because
once again, that is based on how you feel about
your self, not based on some relational or social comparison. Finally,
(31:05):
we see the difference in how we treat others based
on what part of ourselves a situation is. Activating Someone
whose ego is inflated or misaligned, who is letting perhaps
their id dominate, will make other people feel bad about themselves.
They will leave people feeling uncomfortable. They will suck the
(31:26):
energy out of the room. They will exclude others or
keep people at a distance. But people who are acting
from a place of true, unique, authentic confidence, they make
other people feel safe. They let them know that they
are wanted in those spaces, that they are interesting, that
they are comfortable in those spaces. They encourage them, They
(31:48):
make them feel good rather than making them feel uneasy.
So how can we act from a place of confidence
and self esteem rather than ego? And maybe a better question,
how do we rain that ego in and act from
a place of genuine self assurance? Because I think no
one likes feeling motivated by insecurity or I guess feeling
(32:09):
disappointed in their arrogance or their momentary entitlement. So how
do we replace ego with positive self esteem and humility.
I think the biggest thing to realize is that you
are not your ego. Your ego is just one element
of who you are, not your totality. And equally as
important is that your ego is within your control. When
(32:32):
you can feel it flaring up, kind of rearing its
ugly head or dysregulated, you can call it out, speak
to it as a separate entity, kind of like a
mean friend or like a negative internet troll, you know,
just saying you know, no, we don't do that anymore.
That's not who we are. We don't say those things,
we don't think those things. That's not the truth. It
(32:54):
actually almost embarrasses your ego, and it kind of breaks
the fourth wall and you see the reality of your
thoughts more logically and clearly. Those are still your thoughts.
You are in control of them. You can adjust them accordingly. Secondly,
focus on what you feel you're objectively good at. What
(33:14):
qualities about yourself do you admire. This might sound like
it would maybe encourage egotistical thinking, but we know that
our ego actually flares up most of the time when
our sense of self is threatened or compromised, So finding
a sustainable source of self worth stops you from needing
to leverage other people's apparent inferiority to make yourself feel better.
(33:38):
I want you to make a list of five things
you are good at, five things you love about yourself,
and your five best qualities that are independent of other people.
I don't want to see things like you know, I'm
a good parent, or I'm a good daughter, or I'm
a good partner. We want qualities that are holy yours,
that you trust in, that you admire about yourself even
(34:00):
if other people were not around. This serves as like
almost a private reserve of good thoughts for those days
when you're maybe feeling a little bit emotionally wounded, or
you're feeling down and your ego may try and overcompensate.
It kills that need to seek approval and validation from others.
(34:22):
And you know, external validation is such a fickle thing.
It's very inconsistent. It's not a stable sense of self worth.
But we can provide a stable sense of self worth
by reinforcing what we like about ourselves, what we think
we're good at, what we know we're good at Thirdly,
let yourself be wrong, let yourself make mistakes, allow yourself
(34:44):
to kind of have a bit of a laugh at yourself.
I think taking ourselves too seriously and arrogance go hand
in hand because implicit to that assessment is that your
actions matter more than others, that you have to hold
yourself to a higher standard because you need to feel better,
look better, be better than other people. That's a lie
(35:04):
your brain is telling you. Everyone in this life will
make mistakes and they will be wrong at times. So
being comfortable with that reality, adjusting to that exposure and
that experience of embarrassment by turning it into a positive thing,
by having a laugh at yourself, that really slowly conditions
our sense of self esteem and our sense of self
(35:26):
to deal with failure and to not let it critically
injure our self esteem and our self concept. Fourth is
to see the good in others, give them love and
generosity and compliments and compassion, rather than seeing them as
some source of envy or jealousy. You know. I think
(35:48):
having a career on social media really breeds this social
comparison a lot, and I really personally hate feeling like
I need to be more like someone else, or that
my content isn't good enough because I don't get X
number of listens or why number of likes. But a
saying I really love is that someone else's success isn't
the absence of your own. Just because someone else is
(36:11):
talented doesn't mean you're not. Those things are not finite.
There is a lot of the pie to go around,
and I think reverting to treating people like competition rather
than as friends and really people deserving of your encouragement,
it actually just devalues your own self confidence because you're
constantly looking at them for validation rather than looking at yourself.
(36:33):
You're constantly trying to see how you kind of line
up to see whether you meet this standard. So I
would say, really look for things that you admire about people,
Look for things about them that are really beautiful, look
for the things about them that are really human and wonderful,
and let them know that kind of spread that love.
(36:54):
It will make you feel better, it will make other
people feel better, it will lessen that sense of needing
to be in competition with the people around you. And finally,
I would say, ask yourself, why why do you feel
like you need to be better than everyone else, so
that maybe you are better than everyone else. Why do
you feel this entitlement? Where is this belief coming from?
(37:17):
Is it a childhood insecurity? Is it poor self esteem?
Is it that you maybe want a little bit more
from your life and you feel like you're not providing
yourself that opportunity Right now? Everything has an explanation, including
our ego, and I do think we have a duty
to get to that root cause, deconstruct it and replace
(37:38):
it with real, authentic pure confidence, with self love and
gratitude for what we do have and who we are.
There are some other things that I think are really important,
practicing gratitude, I just mentioned that that is one of them. Sometimes,
like I said, one of the signs that our ego
is in control is feeling like we deserve more from
our lives, or feeling like we deserve more from others,
(38:01):
being constantly dissatisfied. But when you really reflect on what
you do have and that you don't need to achieve
what others have achieved or have what they have to
be okay with your life, that's a great way of
raining your ego in. It's a hard reality to realize
that there's always going to probably be someone better than you.
You know, on that kind of scale that we see,
(38:22):
there's always going to be someone making more money, or
who has more friends, or who's more successful, or any
marker of success or accomplishment. You know, it's very hard
for us to be number one. A lot of people
are number two, three, four, five, six, So that is
just as valid as a place to be, and you
can still be happy with that and move on with
your life. I think that's something that I find really
(38:43):
important is to list the things that I am grateful
for in my life, the things that I'm envious of
myself for creating. You know that my past self would
be like, wow, that's so cool, and I can just
be really grateful and appreciate the moment that I'm in.
I think that's all I have for today, all my
on ego for this episode. I really hope that you
enjoyed it, that it provided a bit of clarity knowledge.
(39:06):
If this is something that you're struggling with, I promise
it's not something to feel shame towards. It is a
very natural, normal part of just being a human is
our ego fluctuating from time to time, trying to make
us feel better or compensate for things going on in
our life. So I really hope that this has been informative,
(39:26):
that it's taught you something about how to handle those
kind of ugly emotions every now and again. As always,
if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave
a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're
listening right now, Google podcasts. I don't know if that's
a thing. Maybe I should check that out and make
sure you're following or subscribed and sent it to a
(39:49):
friend if this is something that they need to hear.
We also have a Patreon, I say we. It is
actually just me doing this. I write all my own episodes,
I record them, produce them, release them, and it's a
lot of work. So I really appreciate when people show
their support and decide to kind of have a look
behind the scenes and access some of that bonus content
(40:11):
and also support me on the way. So there is
a link in this episode description if you want to
check it out. And finally, if you have a podcast suggestion,
maybe there's an episode that you want me to cover,
please feel free to reach out to me at that
psychology podcast. This episode was actually a suggestion from a listener,
and I'm really sorry I forgot your name, but I
(40:32):
think you know who you are. Thank you for a
wonderful suggestion. I really do like kind of crowdsourcing ideas
every now and again from what you guys are going
through the experiences of your twenties or just your life
as a human being. So follow us over there for
video content and just to kind of see what's coming out,
see what's happening. We will be back next week with
(40:52):
another episode, so thank you for listening.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:27):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode. Today, we're tackling
a very frequently requested topic and also one of the
major concepts in psychology and how we can sceptualize this self.
(00:49):
So I'm actually quite surprised that I've never done a
full episode on this before. What I'm talking about is ego,
that nasty feeling we all get sometimes that may be
we're a little bit better than others, that maybe we
deserve more, that life is unfair to us, or we
are somewhat too good for our reality. That feeling is
(01:10):
a really hard one to come to terms with. None
of us like feeling entitled, and I think we can
often involuntarily ignore when those feelings come up because it's
shameful to admit. But I also think that it is
still very much part of the human experience as we're
going to examine in this episode. There is such a
(01:32):
long list of explanations surrounding why our ego is sometimes inflated,
why we fear this way, what it's protecting us from,
perhaps how it's actually really reflecting some of our more
deeply rooted insecurities. Personally, I've been contemplating ego quite a
(01:52):
bit recently, whether my reality and my self perception is
based on truth or some kind of false idea of
how I see my And that's not really to say
that I'm up here sitting on a very high throne
pretending to look down on others. You know, I think
I'm way too Australian to ever have that perspective. I
think I'd get cut down pretty quickly. But it's much
(02:12):
more around am I actually worth the credit that I
give myself? Or am I delusional? And also is my
confidence and my self esteem really confidence or does it
come off as arrogance? Is that how people might see it?
And maybe that's something that you've been thinking about as well.
(02:33):
But I think to understand ourselves and their self in general,
we really firstly have to understand our ego. So we're
going to discuss that today. By kind of going back
to some of our very rudimentary psychology and examining the
very Freudian idea around ego and some of ego's friends,
(02:53):
like the ID and the super ego. We're also going
to discuss how ideas around ego have evolved and changed
in the modern era to be one that's very synonymous
with arrogance and self importance, and how that quality is
valued in some cultures more than others very interestingly, but
(03:14):
also what impact that has on us and some of
the crucial signs six, in particular that it might actually
be your ego in control. I also think, like I
reflected and was talking about before, being egotistical and being
confident can be very very similar and feel very similar,
(03:37):
but they're definitely very different things. You know, ego is
based in insecurity, in comparison, in the validation and success
of yourself compared to others. Whilst I think confidence is
very stable. It is this self assurance that we know
who we are, we know what we're about, and how
we choose to treat the people around us. So we're
(03:59):
also going to look at how we can tell the
difference and how to shift from acting from a place
of ego to acting from a place of self esteem, humility,
and grace. So I'm also going to give you four
key tips around that, one of which is a little
bit counterintuitive, but I promise you it makes sense when
(04:19):
I explain it. So I can't wait to discuss this
all with you today, the taboo of ego, the control
it has over every single one of us, but also
how do we accept it as part of human reality
and really transform those urges to ones of self confidence.
So I think, without further ado, let's discuss the real
(04:42):
psychology behind our egos. We cannot understand ourselves and also
our deeper self without first understanding the role and the
influence of our ego. It's a vital part of who
we are, and really, I think it's important to understand
(05:03):
how it compels us to behave in certain ways, entreat
others as well, and innate to that understanding is examining
and having a good grasp of the actual origins and
the basics of ego, because there's a few different ways
of viewing it. Some of them are helpful, some of
them are less helpful, And I think with most psychological
(05:26):
concepts that have been kind of extrapolated for everyday use.
There is always going to be some diffusion of accuracy
and how we use these terms and how we use
the term ego and refer to it throughout our daily lives.
So firstly, let's distinguish between the general psychobabble pop culture
(05:46):
understanding of ego and some of the deeper psychoanalytic research
and characterization of what this is, what purpose it serves,
why it exists, Because, like I said, there is a
big difference here. Psychologists have been defining and redefining the
ego for many, many years, but we really need to
(06:07):
start at Freud to get a good bird's eye view
of what it was intended to explain. So Freud was
the first psychologist to really introduce the idea of ego
into this field, and I really cannot overstate the waves
that his essay on this created at the time and
still to this day. I would say his initial paper
(06:30):
on this is possibly one of the most influential or
famous papers ever written in the field of psychology. It
has created entirely new fields of research and studies for
generations because of how novel his ideas really were. So
for Freud, our ego is really attached to our sense
(06:50):
of self. And in Latin, ego literally means I or
me or self, so our unconscious mind also referred to
as the self. So in some ways the same as ego.
It's controlled by three things, three unique influencers who are
all striving for control. Firstly the ego, and then we
(07:11):
have the ID, and finally the super ego. So the
last two are kind of left out of our conversations
on this because they're seen as kind of secondary characters
to the main player here. So our ID is this
very primitive, instinctual, wild part of our mind that is
(07:32):
in control of things like aggression, like our sexual urges.
It's driven by what Freud called the pleasure principle. So
that's part of our mind which many of us try
to suppress, the kind, you know, the part of our
mind which is really striving for deep emotional, primitive release,
the instant gratification of all of our desires, all of
(07:54):
our wants and our needs really at whatever cost. Now,
if we let that sign of us run freely, it
would be incredibly socially disruptive and chaotic. So this is
where our super ego comes in, and this is the
subconscious part of our mind that kind of acts as
a counterbalance to that really wild, unruly instinctual part of us.
(08:18):
So if the ID in this situation is kind of
the devil, the super ego is really the angel, kind
of the holder of all of our deep moral instincts,
our desire to be good. And importantly, the super ego
is what contains all of those internalized moral standards and
ideals that have been passed from generation to generation, from
(08:41):
our families, from our parents, from our society. It's really
our sense of right and wrong that tries to in
some ways civilize us. So the ear and the super
ego are kind of in this deep battle for control
of our mind, and our ego is the parent here.
Our ego, oh is the final decider. So what our
(09:02):
ego needs to do is balance both of these things
and try and come to some kind of decision about
how we act. And I think these days we really
think of the ego as synonymous with things like arrogance
or a really expanded unnatural sense of self worth. But
for Freud, our ego was the part of us in
(09:23):
control of reality, the part of us which takes in
all of the urges and the impulses from the ear
and then all of the good intentions of the super
ego and makes an informed decision about how we want
to represent ourselves to the world, what actions we actually
want to take. So I'm going to give a quick
example here to kind of really nail in this point.
(09:44):
Say you've been dating someone for a few months and
they do something that really annoys you. Maybe they stand
you up, maybe they forget to text you back, or
they get too drunk or do something stupid. In that moment,
the anger and the annoyance that we're bound to feel
is going to come from the eard and this part
(10:04):
of you might really want to lash out, to be furious,
to give them the silent treatment, to do the things
that might make you feel in the moment a lot better,
but that we know in the long run are probably
actually going to sabotage that relationship. So on the other side,
we have our super ego, and this is the part
of us that is pushing us to forgive, to act
(10:27):
in a way that is very emotionally pure and also
at times perhaps a little bit too passive. And the
ego's role here is to balance both of those perspectives
and act in a quite rational, self fulfilling way. So
for Freud, having a strong, well checked ego meant having
(10:48):
a strong sense of self awareness. However, when that ego
becomes unbalanced or misaligned to our reality, that's when we
start to see what we would call egotistical behavior, where
we are not really seeing reality and our role and
place in reality clearly enough, and we're kind of elevating
(11:08):
ourselves beyond perhaps where we actually stand objectively. This unbalanced,
overinflated ego is really what's aligned with our present day conceptualization.
It's kind of used more as a synonym of our
sense of self esteem or our sense of self importance,
how we see ourselves in relation to others, to our successes,
(11:29):
to our mistakes, and our sense of self worth. And
this is the perspective that we're going to take today.
Our ego is that combination of all of those hidden
aspects of our mind, our insecurities, our urges, our values,
our morals, and when it's out of balance, that's when
we begin to see those behaviors that society tells us
(11:49):
are not particularly desirable. But I think what's important to
note is that all of those behaviors that we see
as connected to being egotistical. Is this is really an
effort by our subconscious mind to protect us, to protect
our reality, to protect our sense of self esteem through
things like arguing or putting others down, or passive aggressiveness
(12:14):
in tolerance, blame, competition, distrust, self doubt. So what does
it look like when there's part of ourselves that it's
very normal and natural to have is disregulated and in control.
What are some of the signs to watch out for
that we're falling into a bit of an ego trap.
So I'm going to outline six in particular that perhaps
(12:36):
your ego has more control of your life then we
would like it to. Number one, you are noticing that
you always need to be right. So the ego is
at its core the picture of ourselves that our minds
have created to balance our self image, all of our
wants and the contents of the self, and our subconscious
(12:56):
mind wants that sense of self, particularly our positive sense
of self esteem, to really be maintained, because when it's
injured by things like rejection or embarrassment, it can cause
really emotional and mental pain that can feel quite profound.
And one thing that can challenge that kind of equilibrium,
and that can make us feel bad is being wrong
(13:19):
because it causes us to question our version of reality. Normally,
when our ego is in check, it can really take
on those mistakes. It's okay to be wrong and to
be corrected by other people. We take that with humility,
we integrate that into our understanding. We're okay to move
past that. But when our ego is overinflated, we become
(13:41):
incredibly defensive. We all have that experience of being friends
with someone who, no matter what, has to be right,
who corrects you instantly when you slip up. I love
this saying of like the actually friend you know, well,
actually that's not right. Actually that what this really means.
(14:01):
It's not a pleasant experience. And the reason people act
this way is because they are projecting a deeper insecurity
that their ego is unable to keep in check, perhaps
that they aren't smart enough or they aren't intelligent, so
they feel the need to overcompensate to regulate their self
esteem by always being correct. That is a huge sign
(14:22):
of an overinflated ego, because the healthy ego would be
able to manage being wrong without reacting in a way
that lets the id and lets those insecurities take control
and really act in a way that satisfies the hunger
and the need and the gratification of being right. Number two,
you're never happy with what you have. If you feel
(14:44):
constantly dissatisfied with what you have, you're consistently comparing yourself
to others what they have that you don't, feeling like
you should be entitled to that, and therefore maybe acting
out of a place of jealousy or envy. That's a
really huge sign that your ego is in control. That's
that entitlement is an indicator that perhaps you are not
providing yourself with enough challenge, with enough growth, but also
(15:08):
with humility. It's okay to sometimes full victim to a
bit of social comparison. We know that it's a very
innate biological, evolutionary urge to compare ourselves in order to
mediate our own expectations and our own behavior. But when
it comes from a place of almost anger, that's what
(15:29):
indicates that your ego is looking for some kind of
success or material possession, or a sign that you are
good enough to validate your self esteem. We think that
people who have more money or more followers or more friends,
or have those really nice clothes or better items than us.
We think that they are better, when really what we
(15:49):
should be measuring our happiness and success by is the
contents of our life, of our emotions, of our sense
of fulfillment. That's something that the healthy ego can do.
It can reflect on our beautiful attributes and what we
do have. So when we're constantly feeling entitled to want more,
to have more, to tear others down who might be
(16:13):
doing better than us, that's again a sign that the
ego is in control. Very similar to this is that
you find yourself judging others more often than usual. This
is what we call downward social comparison, and it's very
easy to get a momentary spike in our self esteem
when we're feeling inadequate by making others feel worse about themselves.
(16:35):
In psychology, downward social comparison is a defensive tendency that
occurs when we deliberately compare ourselves to people who we
perceive as worse off or worse than us, as a
way to elevate our own sense of self worth. This
might also manifest in thinking that you're too good for
some people too good to talk to them, too good
(16:58):
to include them, to be friends with them, to show
them compassion. That's honestly one of my biggest pet peeves.
I have this very deep belief that no one is
better than anyone else. There are very few people in
this world who do not deserve your respect. You know,
I met people when I was at Uni, and the
way that they treated me and kind of others as well,
(17:19):
and turned their nose up at people who they didn't
see as fitting into the INN group or being cool,
that left such a powerful impression. You get nothing out
of making other people feel bad just so that you
can feel better, and it's very short lasting. It closes
you off. And also people will remember how you made
(17:41):
them feel, and I think that's an important part of
being a good person and being a good human. Very
similar to what I mentioned before. Someone who is sure
of themselves, who has a consistent, sustainable sense of self,
shouldn't have to rely on these kinds of mental or
social tactics. So if you find yourself kind of walking
down the street and judging others almost internally, commenting on
(18:04):
what they're wearing, critiquing other people's actions, thinking to yourself.
I would never wear that, I would never do that. Really,
pull back for a second and contemplate why you're doing that.
Where is this urge coming from. Is that your ego talking,
Is that your egos need for self assurance and reassurance
or is that actually your reality? So number four, you
(18:28):
cannot manage failure, your sense of self quite literally cannot
take it. It would just further injure your self concept.
So you act in ways that are incredibly self sabotaging.
You withdraw, you procrastinate, you express under frustration as a
way of protecting that ego. And I think very similar
(18:48):
to this. And number five is that in those situations
where you are experiencing failure, you blame others when things
go wrong rather than taking personal account ability. So in
psychology we have this distinction between an external and an
internal locus of control, and it's this theory that articulates
(19:08):
how different people will make up different reasons for why
something didn't go their way. People with an internal locus
of control, they believe that they are responsible for their
own successes, and they can change things about their behavior
when an outcome is perhaps not what they wanted. So
if they encounter failure, they appreciate their own role in
(19:31):
that and what lesson they can take from that experience.
In contrast, people with an external locus of control, they
blame things outside of them, factors like other people, like luck, fate,
a rigged system. They blame all of those things for
their situation, and they don't believe that they are accountable
(19:52):
for what their encountering in their life. Not only does
that contribute to learned helplessness in which people really to
value their own agency, but it also can indicate once
again that your ego is overinflated, unbalanced, or in control,
especially when it comes to finding reasons to excuse things
(20:13):
that may hurt your sense of self importance. You can't
feel bad about something if it's not your fault. So
if your ego really needs protecting, it will attribute situations
that prompt guilt or humility to things that are beyond
our realm of agency. It's actually one of my favorite
(20:33):
concepts in psychology because it's very noticeable, I think within
others when they have an external lucus of control versus
an internal one. Something that I noticed a lot was
people who complain about a test and maybe a test
that's like really really hard, and they say that the
reason they failed was that someone was talking too loud,
(20:54):
that the teacher had made it way too difficult, that
the examiner the teacher had it out for them. That
might be true. Sometimes those things are true, but it
also might be that that external locus of control is
finding a way to protect your self esteem and protect
your ego. The final sign of a dysregulated, overinflated, unbalanced
(21:16):
ego is arrogance and feeling like you deserve more from
life or other people because you have some quality, some
unique attribute that others don't have. This is a common theme,
I think throughout those other five indicators we've discussed, but
I think it deserves its own spot because arrogance presents
itself a lot more overtly. Arrogant people need to be
(21:38):
the center of attention. They don't like compromise, they expect
special treatment, and they have what we would call a
superiority complex. It's interesting to me because this sounds very
similar to certain personality disorders, particularly narcissism. And actually there
have been some theories that a permanently disregulated ego or
(22:00):
an injured subconscious might actually be behind the existence of
these people in our society, those who have this preoccupation
with their own self importance, they're really entitled, they're interpersonally
quite exploitative. Narcissism, however, is a diagnosable disorder, and our
ego is just a part of us, right. There can
(22:23):
be times in which it's overinflated, in which it's acting
beyond what appears to be our sense of control, where
we are acting from a place of arrogance, but it
doesn't mean that it has the same lifelong implications and
the same kind of status as a personality disorder. Also,
our ego is a lot more flexible. It can be
kind of bended back into check when it's triggered to
(22:44):
protect us. And there's a few things that can do
this that might have caused an ego shift or an
overinflation just temporarily. Number one is a long string of
successes or failures. These both act as unexpected events that
alter our reality and our sense of self worth, and
they cause our ego to kind of have to adjust.
(23:06):
And that delay is what can cause that arrogance or
that over inflation. Things like bouncing back from a breakup.
Sometimes we really elevate our self confidence or our ego
really steps up to the plate and makes us feel
a sense of self importance or entitlement to make up
for the fact that actually, deep down we're really quite hurt.
(23:27):
Really similar to that is situations that make you feel
really emotionally uncomfortable. So I have an example of this.
I have this one X who I have always felt
really inferior around, and now when I run into this
person at parties or you know, out in the street,
I feel this like insane urge to just become an
(23:48):
egotistical monster because of all that historical insecurity, and I
respond by being like the complete opposite of who I am.
I always try and make it seem like I'm doing
so amazing and almost like brag about myself, And afterwards
I always really cringe because that's a really ugly part
(24:09):
of me that I'm not really used to, seeing this
false version of me that's kind of coming out and
trying to impress this person who I genuinely could not
care less about. At this stage, I can see now
that that's because my ego in that moment is being
triggered by those past events that have caused me emotional pain,
that have caused me to feel bad about myself, and
so it's trying to create almost a sense of being better,
(24:35):
or being entitled, or being successful as a way to
protect myself from having to feel those feelings around that person. Again,
our minds operate in such funny, unconscious ways to help
us out, and sometimes in trying to help us, actually
it acts in a really catiproductive, contradictory way and creates
(24:56):
more trouble. And sometimes I think we think that confidence
and I think about that in that situation, we think
that confidence and ego are the same things, or we
confuse our ego with confidence, and that's a distinction that
I really want to explore. How can we tell the
difference between when we're experiencing perhaps just a high self
(25:16):
esteem versus an untamed ego, they can feel really similar.
So I really want to discuss that next, along with
how we can shift from acting from a place of
ego to a place of self love, humility, and compassion.
So all of that and more after this short break.
(25:39):
I think there is a very thin line that separates
our self esteem from our ego. It's something I contemplate
a lot, especially as a woman, because sometimes I think
society likes to misconstrue our self confidence and our self
assurance as arrogance. But there is a distinction, and I
think villain self confidence won't actually do anything to soothe
(26:03):
our ego. I think we can still have those qualities
of being really amazing and claiming our power and knowing
our worth and having a stable ego. Additionally, I think
we all benefit every now and again from a bit
of an ego boost. It's nice to feel like you're
admired or you've done something right, and we don't want
(26:24):
to fall too deeply into humility because that can sometimes
actually contribute to poor self esteem when we can never
kind of take credit for our successes and our hard work,
and we can never take a compliment, and doing so
doesn't mean that your ego is out of control. You're
allowed to feel proud of yourself for your accomplishments without
(26:47):
trying to call yourself back into check and tell yourself
to be humble and to settle down. I think when
our ego is actually activated, that comes off very very differently.
It comes off as self entitlement and arrogance. You know,
that need to be right, that judgment, that is all
coming from a deep detachment from ourself. At the core
(27:08):
is this insecurity, and what I mean by that is
that our ego is once again acting as a way
to protect us from being injured by things that it
thinks will hurt our sense of self concept. Additionally, it's
quite relational, so it's quite comparative and almost based on
the existence of others. So our ego only really ever
(27:30):
acts out in front of other people, and it's very
loud in the presence of others because it's often in
those situations or when we are put in a position
where we feel the need to compare ourselves to others,
that our ego is triggered and so we self enhance,
we fluff out our feathers. That is almost a defensive mechanism.
(27:51):
In contrast, self confidence exists regardless of the actions, the opinions,
all the presence of others comes from that instability within
the self. But confidence comes from certainty and trust in ourself,
and like I said, it's very separate and irresponsive to others.
(28:11):
Confidence is always going to be there regardless of what
other people think of you, regardless of whether other people
around because it is an internal source of reinforcement of validation,
compared to ego, which is seeking the approval and validation
of others. I think the other distinction is that ego
is counterproductive and it causes us to act in ways
(28:32):
that are not aligned to our true selves, whereas self
confidence comes from knowing that true self and being comfortable
in that, trusting our choices and our decisions. And whilst
ego responds to distortions in reality, you know, feeling like
we're better than others or at times that we are
maybe undeserving of things, confidence is really rooted in the truth.
(28:54):
I know my value, I know who I am, I
know what I bring to the table, and we can
recognize the difference and when ego versus confidence is in
control a few ways. Firstly, you can tell when your
ego is triggered versus when you're responding from a place
of self esteem based on the direction of your energy.
(29:15):
So let me clarify this. If someone insults you, your
ego will ask you to respond by tearing them down,
finding a way to undermine them and prove that their
opinion is wrong or invalid, that you don't need to
listen to it, perhaps by identifying something about them that
you don't like or some personal fault. Confidence, on the
(29:37):
other hand, doesn't care if what they said is true.
It might be true, this person might believe it, but
we don't mind, we don't care, and so you don't
need to respond by retaliating. You don't need to respond
by reinforcing your self worth by bringing that person down.
But you dismiss the comment, You hold your head high,
and you provide that own positive self affirmation and through
(30:01):
your own means rather than through your comparison to someone else.
Confidence will never rely on your needing to feel better
than someone else, but ego often does rely on that
false sense of superiority. Secondly, ego feels uncomfortable and confidence
feels safe and healthy. When we act from that place
(30:22):
of an overinflated ego, all of that insecurity that is
driving this response will still exist after the fact. It's
not going to go anywhere. You're still going to feel bad,
You're still going to feel unstable. That deflated self esteem
will remain and you'll almost feel i would say, emotionally
(30:43):
hung over from that overactivity of your ego. When you're
relying on your confidence, you will still feel that sense
of reassurance your emotions are going to remain stable, because
once again, that is based on how you feel about
your self, not based on some relational or social comparison. Finally,
(31:05):
we see the difference in how we treat others based
on what part of ourselves a situation is. Activating Someone
whose ego is inflated or misaligned, who is letting perhaps
their id dominate, will make other people feel bad about themselves.
They will leave people feeling uncomfortable. They will suck the
(31:26):
energy out of the room. They will exclude others or
keep people at a distance. But people who are acting
from a place of true, unique, authentic confidence, they make
other people feel safe. They let them know that they
are wanted in those spaces, that they are interesting, that
they are comfortable in those spaces. They encourage them, They
(31:48):
make them feel good rather than making them feel uneasy.
So how can we act from a place of confidence
and self esteem rather than ego? And maybe a better question,
how do we rain that ego in and act from
a place of genuine self assurance? Because I think no
one likes feeling motivated by insecurity or I guess feeling
(32:09):
disappointed in their arrogance or their momentary entitlement. So how
do we replace ego with positive self esteem and humility.
I think the biggest thing to realize is that you
are not your ego. Your ego is just one element
of who you are, not your totality. And equally as
important is that your ego is within your control. When
(32:32):
you can feel it flaring up, kind of rearing its
ugly head or dysregulated, you can call it out, speak
to it as a separate entity, kind of like a
mean friend or like a negative internet troll, you know,
just saying you know, no, we don't do that anymore.
That's not who we are. We don't say those things,
we don't think those things. That's not the truth. It
(32:54):
actually almost embarrasses your ego, and it kind of breaks
the fourth wall and you see the reality of your
thoughts more logically and clearly. Those are still your thoughts.
You are in control of them. You can adjust them accordingly. Secondly,
focus on what you feel you're objectively good at. What
(33:14):
qualities about yourself do you admire. This might sound like
it would maybe encourage egotistical thinking, but we know that
our ego actually flares up most of the time when
our sense of self is threatened or compromised, So finding
a sustainable source of self worth stops you from needing
to leverage other people's apparent inferiority to make yourself feel better.
(33:38):
I want you to make a list of five things
you are good at, five things you love about yourself,
and your five best qualities that are independent of other people.
I don't want to see things like you know, I'm
a good parent, or I'm a good daughter, or I'm
a good partner. We want qualities that are holy yours,
that you trust in, that you admire about yourself even
(34:00):
if other people were not around. This serves as like
almost a private reserve of good thoughts for those days
when you're maybe feeling a little bit emotionally wounded, or
you're feeling down and your ego may try and overcompensate.
It kills that need to seek approval and validation from others.
(34:22):
And you know, external validation is such a fickle thing.
It's very inconsistent. It's not a stable sense of self worth.
But we can provide a stable sense of self worth
by reinforcing what we like about ourselves, what we think
we're good at, what we know we're good at Thirdly,
let yourself be wrong, let yourself make mistakes, allow yourself
(34:44):
to kind of have a bit of a laugh at yourself.
I think taking ourselves too seriously and arrogance go hand
in hand because implicit to that assessment is that your
actions matter more than others, that you have to hold
yourself to a higher standard because you need to feel better,
look better, be better than other people. That's a lie
(35:04):
your brain is telling you. Everyone in this life will
make mistakes and they will be wrong at times. So
being comfortable with that reality, adjusting to that exposure and
that experience of embarrassment by turning it into a positive thing,
by having a laugh at yourself, that really slowly conditions
our sense of self esteem and our sense of self
(35:26):
to deal with failure and to not let it critically
injure our self esteem and our self concept. Fourth is
to see the good in others, give them love and
generosity and compliments and compassion, rather than seeing them as
some source of envy or jealousy. You know. I think
(35:48):
having a career on social media really breeds this social
comparison a lot, and I really personally hate feeling like
I need to be more like someone else, or that
my content isn't good enough because I don't get X
number of listens or why number of likes. But a
saying I really love is that someone else's success isn't
the absence of your own. Just because someone else is
(36:11):
talented doesn't mean you're not. Those things are not finite.
There is a lot of the pie to go around,
and I think reverting to treating people like competition rather
than as friends and really people deserving of your encouragement,
it actually just devalues your own self confidence because you're
constantly looking at them for validation rather than looking at yourself.
(36:33):
You're constantly trying to see how you kind of line
up to see whether you meet this standard. So I
would say, really look for things that you admire about people,
Look for things about them that are really beautiful, look
for the things about them that are really human and wonderful,
and let them know that kind of spread that love.
(36:54):
It will make you feel better, it will make other
people feel better, it will lessen that sense of needing
to be in competition with the people around you. And finally,
I would say, ask yourself, why why do you feel
like you need to be better than everyone else, so
that maybe you are better than everyone else. Why do
you feel this entitlement? Where is this belief coming from?
(37:17):
Is it a childhood insecurity? Is it poor self esteem?
Is it that you maybe want a little bit more
from your life and you feel like you're not providing
yourself that opportunity Right now? Everything has an explanation, including
our ego, and I do think we have a duty
to get to that root cause, deconstruct it and replace
(37:38):
it with real, authentic pure confidence, with self love and
gratitude for what we do have and who we are.
There are some other things that I think are really important,
practicing gratitude, I just mentioned that that is one of them. Sometimes,
like I said, one of the signs that our ego
is in control is feeling like we deserve more from
our lives, or feeling like we deserve more from others,
(38:01):
being constantly dissatisfied. But when you really reflect on what
you do have and that you don't need to achieve
what others have achieved or have what they have to
be okay with your life, that's a great way of
raining your ego in. It's a hard reality to realize
that there's always going to probably be someone better than you.
You know, on that kind of scale that we see,
(38:22):
there's always going to be someone making more money, or
who has more friends, or who's more successful, or any
marker of success or accomplishment. You know, it's very hard
for us to be number one. A lot of people
are number two, three, four, five, six, So that is
just as valid as a place to be, and you
can still be happy with that and move on with
your life. I think that's something that I find really
(38:43):
important is to list the things that I am grateful
for in my life, the things that I'm envious of
myself for creating. You know that my past self would
be like, wow, that's so cool, and I can just
be really grateful and appreciate the moment that I'm in.
I think that's all I have for today, all my
on ego for this episode. I really hope that you
enjoyed it, that it provided a bit of clarity knowledge.
(39:06):
If this is something that you're struggling with, I promise
it's not something to feel shame towards. It is a
very natural, normal part of just being a human is
our ego fluctuating from time to time, trying to make
us feel better or compensate for things going on in
our life. So I really hope that this has been informative,
(39:26):
that it's taught you something about how to handle those
kind of ugly emotions every now and again. As always,
if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave
a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're
listening right now, Google podcasts. I don't know if that's
a thing. Maybe I should check that out and make
sure you're following or subscribed and sent it to a
(39:49):
friend if this is something that they need to hear.
We also have a Patreon, I say we. It is
actually just me doing this. I write all my own episodes,
I record them, produce them, release them, and it's a
lot of work. So I really appreciate when people show
their support and decide to kind of have a look
behind the scenes and access some of that bonus content
(40:11):
and also support me on the way. So there is
a link in this episode description if you want to
check it out. And finally, if you have a podcast suggestion,
maybe there's an episode that you want me to cover,
please feel free to reach out to me at that
psychology podcast. This episode was actually a suggestion from a listener,
and I'm really sorry I forgot your name, but I
(40:32):
think you know who you are. Thank you for a
wonderful suggestion. I really do like kind of crowdsourcing ideas
every now and again from what you guys are going
through the experiences of your twenties or just your life
as a human being. So follow us over there for
video content and just to kind of see what's coming out,
see what's happening. We will be back next week with
(40:52):
another episode, so thank you for listening.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.