September 21, 2023 • 38 mins
One of the hardest dilemmas we have to face is when it's time to walk away from someone you still love because you know the relationship isn’t right for you. We can often find ourselves stuck in a constant battle between knowing what is right, and what our heart wants us to do. In this episode we break down the five key signs its time to walk away, particularly for those of us in our 20s, and why these reasons matter the most, exploring ideas of:
- Fatal Attraction Theory
- The biology behind our 'gut instinct'
- The Reciprocity Principle
- Equity Theory
- Sunk costs
- Expectant thinking
- Fear of being lonely or of the unknown
We also explore why we find it so difficult, the reasons that hold us back, including as the stigma around being the one to initiate the breakup and feeling like a failure for your relationship not working out.
You should not be with someone who is not adding to your life in your 20s. This is your time to be your own person, to prioritise exactly what is going to make YOU happy, not stay out of obligation or because of fear, family pressure or expectations. Is this the life you want, with this person? Are they making you the best version of yourself? Are they making you happy? Why don’t you deserve someone who does, even if it takes a while and is a bit scary.
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Resources:
https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/helplines/
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode, back for another topic.
Before we get started today, I just wanted to let
you guys know that I have a Patreon and I
would really appreciate if you considered supporting the show. It
(00:47):
is just me on this end of the microphone writing
our episodes, researching them, recording them, editing them, and it's
a lot of work, so I really appreciate all the
added support, additional support that you lovely listeners am my
amazing psychology community choose to contribute, so have a look
over there for bonus content, transcripts, early access to episodes,
(01:11):
and so much more. And as always, if you have
an episode suggestion or just any ideas on what we're discussing,
any of your own thoughts or inputs, you can DM
me at that Psychology Podcast. But back to the episode,
we are going pretty deep today. We are bearing all
with possibly one of the hardest questions I think we
(01:33):
have to ask ourselves in a relationship, when we know
it isn't working, When is it time to walk away?
When do we know that it's over? I know this
is a question that can haunt a lot of us,
maybe has haunted us in the past, especially when we
don't want to let go, but we know that we should.
We know that there are really valid reasons behind this
(01:57):
got instinct that we're having. So what I really want
to do is use this episode to provide some of
the psychology and the research that indicates when and why
certain relationships don't work, what keeps us holding on, and
the reasons we ignore those warning signs or the reasons
(02:17):
we ignore reasons to leave, not just bad but also
some of the more neutral reasons, like just not feeling
fulfilled or happy. I think ultimately, our twenties are not
meant to be spent worrying if someone is right for
us or it should not be spent I guess in
a relationship that is shrouded in doubt. So if that
(02:39):
is you right now, firstly, my heart goes out to you,
but I also hope that this episode gives you the
guidance that you're looking for at this kind of fork
in the road. Like I said before, I think the
reason I really wanted to tackle this topic today is
because I think one of the hardest dilemmas we have
to face is whether to walk away from someone you
(03:00):
still love because you know the relationship isn't right for you,
because you know you deserve more, or you are just
at your core not happy. And that decision, or even
that line of questioning, that doubt, it can come up
for a lot of reasons. Maybe the passion isn't there anymore,
there's a lack of effort, you're growing apart, you have
(03:21):
different futures, you're fighting all the time, and then again
also things that are more insidious, like cheating or emotional
and physical abuse. But I also think, and I saw
someone say something very similar to this the other day,
and I couldn't agree more. Your relationship doesn't have to
be toxic. Your partner does not have to be terrible
(03:44):
or be a bad person for you to want to leave.
It doesn't have to be a relationship that is marked
by fights or even abuse or irreconcilable differences. It can
just be unfulfilling. You can just be wanting more, and
I think just being unhappy or exhausted is a valid
(04:05):
reason if this isn't what you want, if you know
that you're drained or unsatisfied. You don't have to stay
with someone just because you have a history, or because
they treat you really well, or you have your family
or friend's approval for this person in your life. That's
something that I think keeps us very stuck. We think
there needs to be some problem or some fault for
(04:27):
us to end things. But really, at the end of
the day, it's your life. This is your time. These
are your days to prioritize your well being. And you
don't want to look back in ten years time, in
a year's time and realize that you wasted time being
with perhaps the wrong person, just because you are maybe
(04:50):
scared to upset others or maybe just scared of being lonely.
Please please, from me to you, do not waste the
best years of your life on someone who isn't right
for you. That is something that you will regret. As
someone who has been there, done that, got the T shirt,
(05:10):
and who still does see all the good in my
previous relationships and all the amazing growth that they've given me,
I still wish time and time again that I had
left earlier. Basically, what I'm trying to communicate is that
there can be a myriad of reasons, but in that moment,
what you're going through is going to feel so deeply
personal and conflicting. I think often we can also feel
(05:31):
stuck in kind of what we would call a processing
loop or a thought spiral to end things or not,
and contemplating what that might mean for us, How will
we move forward, what next? Where do you go from here?
It's this concept of the what ifs that I think
really haunt us. What if things just get better? What
(05:53):
if I make a mistake by making this decision? What
if I hurt this person? And a bit one is
what if I leave them and they treat the next
person exactly how I wanted to be treated. That's a
really big one for a lot of us. Knowing that
this individual who you might still love will inevitably at
(06:14):
some stage no longer be part of your life and
will probably find someone you live a life without you,
And I think that's something that we can't cope with.
That uncertainty, that unknowing. We never enter into a relationship
thinking that it's going to end. These what if thoughts,
they can become quite intrusive and result in a lot
(06:36):
of overall anxiety, things like trouble falling asleep, having a
hard time concentrating because you are weighing up every answer,
or maybe you also just wait patiently for things to change.
You know, deep down in your gut, at the core
of your intuition, you know what you need to do.
That is a reminder that I want you to take
(06:58):
from this today. There is always some impulse, some fear
that holds us back. And here's the thing I think
sometimes we think that intuition is not a particularly scientific, valid,
reliable concept or idea, But there is a growing body
of evidence that suggests that humans are born with this
very basic emotionally intuitive ability, this ability to immediately respond
(07:25):
to something that is highly emotionally potent or arousing, and
we respond with a decision or an interpretation that is correct.
We know what is right and wrong even without thinking
about it, you know, thoroughly, even without contemplating every single option.
You know, for example, watching your partner across the room
(07:46):
talking to your friends and realizing that they're not the
one that got instinct can be correct because the stomach
and the heart, they contain a significant amount of neural tissue,
and that neural tissue is connected to the brain. It's
called the gut brain and heart brain axis. And we
(08:09):
know that neurotransmitters and hormones like dopamine and serotonin, they
will influence cognitive processes, and they will influence our decision
making and our emotions, and those biochemical signals also contribute
to our intuitive responses. Basically, sometimes you are correct to
trust your gut when it comes to things like this.
(08:31):
I also want to make the final point that your
twenties are not the time to be in a relationship
that is not fulfilling you, or that is just incredibly
hard work or putting your wellbeing or your other relationships,
your friendships understrain. That time for self sacrificing and that
level of commitment. It will come, it will come one day,
(08:53):
But right now, I think if you have doubts, that
is a huge warning sign, and it's a that you
already know what your answer is to that question when
is it time to walk away? So let's also break
down some of the other key reasons or indicators after
this short break. So I want to outline how we
(09:20):
know when it's time to walk away. If you have
your doubts or a gut instinct that this relationship is
not right for you, Hopefully some of these reasons can
confirm or maybe deny your intuition. Firstly, if you just
don't love them anymore and that connection is gone, the
things that you used to adore about them no longer
make you excited or passionate or interested, I think that
(09:43):
is a huge indicator. Love is sometimes a bit of
a fickle emotion, and obviously it's impossible to be in
the active state of love all the time. A reaction
an emotion like this, I don't think it can be
sustained at that level of intensity for so long. But
it's about more so those quiet moments when you sit
(10:06):
and think about your partner, when you pause and you
focus on all the things you like about them, your
shared memories. Do you still love them in that moment?
Do you still love them? Do they make you feel
happy and special and warm, or have they kind of
just become a secondary character in your life? An acquaintance.
(10:28):
There's two things I want to say about this point though. Firstly,
I think love is something I do think that we
can work on. But the question to ask yourself is
is that really the kind of work that you're willing
to do right now? And I think that's a question
I can't answer for you. That is entirely personal. Are
you willing to make efforts to fall back in love
with your partner? I also think that you can still
(10:51):
deeply love someone and know that the relationship isn't right
for the both of you. Love is kind of seen
as this very irrational for many reasons, and I think
this is one of them. You can love someone and
still know that the conditions of your relationship are not
what you want them to be. You can still be
(11:11):
annoyed by their actions, or feel the attraction fading, or
just know that it's not going to make you happier
for much longer. You know that you deserve better. Sometimes also,
the things that we initially really loved and adored about
someone can come to be the reason that we fall
out of love. It's this idea known as fatal attraction theory,
(11:32):
and what it argues is that what attracts us to
your partner in the first place is often the reason
that the relationship ends. So they've done a few studies
on this. In one of them, a researcher recruited I
think around three hundred university students and she asked them
to list the qualities that attracted them to their former partner,
(11:54):
and then they were asked to list the qualities in
their partner that led to the breakup. She found that
thirty percent in thirty percent of those cases, those traits
were the exact same ones. And some of the common
ones were being with someone who is initially really fun
and spontaneous, but in the long run, as you think
(12:15):
about the future, what it sometimes means is that they
really can't take anything seriously, or they're very unpredictable, or
maybe you are seeking a partner who seems really strong
and assertive, but that can become quite uncompromising or authoritarian.
Our perception of these character traits the ones that we
desire in a partner. They will change over time, especially
(12:38):
as we mature, and we also change as people, and
that is why we can sometimes fall out of love
with the person that we once adored. And that's really okay,
that's really natural, especially when we are young, especially when
like most of us, we are in our twenties, and
it kind of goes without saying that a lot of
us don't really know what we're looking for yet. I
(13:00):
think a big tell that this has potentially occurred in
your relationship is if you no longer want to spend
time with your person. Common interests and a desire to
spend time together. They are some of the main predictors
of the success of a relationship in the long term,
and often one of the most important factors that is
(13:21):
going to indicate just a basic underlying attraction or longevity
of the relationship. So if that drive towards each other
has faded, maybe you find yourself preferring to spend time
with your friends, or constantly postponing date nights or spending
time together because you don't really want to see them.
I think that's a very clear indicator that perhaps your
(13:45):
time together has come to an end. Secondly, another big
reason is if you no longer care what you're fighting
about or what you're fighting for. My mum always said
to me, you know the relationship is on the rocks
when you no longer feel the need to invest in
soul an argument when you are just resigned to the conflict,
because I think this indicates that you don't care about
(14:07):
the future of the relationship. Unconsciously, deep down, you kind
of know it's not worth the energy of a fight.
I think that the occasional disagreement or argument is actually
pretty healthy because it shows that you both care, You
have kept your own individual opinions, you have your own
emotional lives. And I obviously do not mean fights that
(14:30):
are hurtful or turn emotionally or even physically abusive. But
in every relationship, even friendships, you're not going to be
one hundred percent aligned on everything, and so sometimes it's
good to get that out there and to agree to
meet each other in that space of temporary conflict or disagreement.
(14:51):
There's actually this concept. I'm not sure if I'm a
fan of it, but I'm going to talk about it anyways.
It was termed by this man called Terry Reels normal
matrimonial hatred, And I know that sounds really intense, but
basically the premise is that every relationship is a reflection
of the spectrum of emotions that we are going to
(15:12):
feel as individuals, and sometimes that spectrum is going to
involve things like anger or frustration or even hatred, and
so being able to express those freely but in a
healthy way, one in which you're both invested in coming
to a solution or helping the other person is really,
really valuable. And maybe this is controversial, but like I said,
(15:36):
it's healthy to sometimes feel anger or frustration towards your partner,
obviously not to an irreparable degree. And I think when
you can't even be bothered to argue or be bothered
to fix those things, you just feel apathy, I think
that is a sign that it's time to walk away
from your relationship. Thirdly, if being with them is going
(15:59):
to or is currently taking you away from your own
life or your own dreams rather than elevating them, I
personally think it's time to leave now. I think this
is particularly important for those of us in our twenties,
because it is during this decade that we must be
in the business of cultivating our own independent lives. Your dreams,
(16:21):
your goals, your ambitions. Cannot wait for anyone, especially not
for someone you're not one hundred percent sure of, because
you risk throwing out some of the best years of
your life, regretting some of the decisions you didn't make
for a person who may one day just be a stranger.
If they are making you feel terrible about yourself or
(16:44):
they are keeping you from doing something you've always dreamed of,
I don't think that's it. For example, you know, if
you have an amazing job offered to move overseas or
to a new city, it's your dream job, but the
person you're with doesn't want to move or doesn't want
to do long distance and they're asking you to stay.
I think it's your duty to take that job, no
(17:05):
matter what they try and say. It is your duty
to claim your independence and your own dreams and really
just do what's best for you, to kind of protect
and be selfish with your golden years. And I know
that that is going to be a very hard decision.
I know that saying that and doing it is a
completely different thing. But this is your foundation. These are
(17:30):
your experiences, the ones that you will hopefully recount for
the rest of your life, the ones that will transform
your identity. And I really do believe that you need
the right person by your side in those moments, who
is willing to encourage you and be your biggest cheerleader.
I also think the best side of a healthy partner
(17:50):
is someone who wants good things for you more than
you do, who is going to inspire you to take
risks and follow your dreams, knowing that it might not
be what's best for them, but it's going to be
what's best for you because they are equally as invested
in your future. Also, you know, if this person is
(18:10):
your soulmate, not only will they a want what's best
for you, but who knows, maybe you will end up
together in the future. Maybe you'll come back together. I've
seen this happen with friends of mine who have broken
up with their partners because of big life changes, different goals,
and they've come back together later on a few years
(18:31):
down the track when they realized that they wanted this
person in their future and they were willing to make
it work. But I don't think it should require such
an intense, excessive degree of self sacrifice. I think this
regard for the future, your future, their future. It really
links to the next reason your values and your plans
(18:54):
for the future don't align. I think sometimes when we
are dating in our twenties, we feel like we are
going to be young and care free forever and that
we have all the time in the world, that time
is infinite. And maybe it's because I'm now in a
relationship with someone wonderful where thinking about the future does
(19:15):
not make me want to throw up, and I feel
that we are very aligned on some core things. But
that has really made me have this renewed belief in
the fact that compatibility is more than just physical chemistry.
You also need to have very core shared values and
(19:35):
be openly able to communicate about what that means for
the future, not just for your future as an individual,
but as a couple, especially if things are kind of
getting to that point of getting pretty serious, if that
vision is completely different, if they want kids and you
want to go in solo travel and those experiences are
(19:57):
both core to your own beliefs and in ava values,
I don't think any amount of wishful thinking is going
to change either of your minds. It's something I'm learning
the older I get. You cannot change someone through love.
You just have to accept them for who they are
and hope they accept you as well, and hope that
(20:17):
it's a fit. Loving them more needing them more will
not alter what might be an ugly truth that deep
down you know that you are just different and if
one of you has to give up, perhaps what is
a huge life goal that can at times foster a
lot of resentment that may eventually erode your relationship in
the future. It's going to be a hard conversation, but
(20:40):
I think you both deserve to be with someone who
wants the same things, or maybe just be alone to
fulfill some of those lifelong dreams that you honestly owe
it to yourself to complete if you are trying too
hard now. I think there are two schools of thoughts
when it comes to relationships and this dimension of them.
(21:02):
One is that they should be easy, that they should
feel easy and safe. They shouldn't be hard work, they
shouldn't be a struggle. And the second school of thought
is that relationships require work. Like anything else in life.
You need to be invested and kind of willing to
put in the miles regardless of what you think. I
(21:24):
personally think neither is wrong, neither is right. You should
not be the only one putting in effort or trying
too hard to cling onto the relationship. If they don't
make you feel special, if they are not putting in
the time, if they are taking you for granted, that
is not it, That is not it. It's this very
(21:45):
core relationship principle in psychology known as reciprocity. Each partner
has to give back what the other one is putting in.
And when that becomes unbalanced, I think we begin to
feel really unappreciated, feel the foundation kind of crumbling, like
we are constantly exhausted from that mental domestic emotional load.
(22:10):
The mental load is a really interesting concept here, and
it properly deserves its own episode. But essentially, it's this
idea that one partner, and it's normally the woman takes
on a lot of the emotional and mental effort of
being responsible for thinking about, planning, organizing all parts of
the relationship and your life together. You are the one
(22:32):
organizing dates, You're the one organizing weekend plans, what you're
going to eat for dinner, where you're going to travel
to and whilst some people really enjoy this, for others
and I would say for most of us, we want
a partnership from our partner. We want to be able
to rely on them when we're tied, when we have
a lot to do, when we have a lot going on,
(22:55):
and if you have communicated that to them, and you've
communicated what you need, what you want, and they have
been uncompromising, unwilling to offer you that, not investing as
much as you are. I think that requires a really
hard look at the future of that relationship. One thing
you should keep in mind is this idea in psychology
(23:16):
known as equity theory, and it was first proposed in
the eighties and it's often used to understand relationship breakdown
and even at times things like infidelity or cheating. Our
relationships last when we believe that the relationship is equitable
and fair and that the distribution of labor and investment
(23:37):
is also equal. The longer that that becomes unbalanced, the
more the resentment builds, the more we are likely, as
this research says, to do things that perhaps undermine our
relationship or look for a way out. Also, if you
are at this point, if you relate to this, ask yourself,
(23:57):
do you want to spend your twenties being someone's parent,
being their caregiver, cleaning up after them, feeling like you
are not appreciated. If you're going to be in a relationship,
let it be an adult one where you feel cared for,
that your needs are equally as important that they're happy
to occasionally take care of you and to do the
(24:18):
dishes or just the bare minimum. And my final reason,
I think this reason is an absolute non negotiable. It
is time to walk away if you are being disrespected
or you don't feel like this person treats you well enough.
We all deserve a very standard, bare minimum level of treatment.
(24:40):
And sometimes that is not going to be what someone
can offer you. And it's not always because they don't
love you right. There may be other things going on.
Maybe your love languages don't align, maybe they're struggling with
attachment issues, maybe you just haven't communicated enough. Those are
things that I I think we can work through at times,
(25:02):
like I said, if you're willing to do the work.
But then there are other behaviors that are absolute non negotiables.
If they are being coercive, if they're asking you not
to see your friends, controlling your behavior, belittling you, amongst
so many other things, that is not the kind of
relationship that you deserve or that you should be in
at any age or stage of your life. These kinds
(25:26):
of behaviors, this belittling, this making you feel bad about yourself,
perhaps even coercive control, needing you to constantly be there
for them if they need you. That does not come
from a place of love. Never. That comes from a
place of selfishness and control and authority. And I really
(25:48):
don't think that that is a place you need to
be in. I know that it's still very difficult to
make that decision to leave, because although we know that
it's problematic, we are probably very much aware of how
this is making us feel. Those kinds of relationships that
are highly almost abusive, or bonded, or coercive or controlling,
(26:09):
they create very deep trauma bonds, and they can also
feel and at times can be very dangerous to leave.
If you find you're not comfortable telling your family or
your friends how this person treats you, or that you
feel the need to protect them or hide certain parts
of your relationships, those are very clear early warning signs
(26:33):
someone who loves you will treat you with respect. Period,
end of discussion, it is time to leave. And I
also want to put some resources in the episode description.
If this does apply to your situation, I wish I
could talk about it more. But I also think that
that deserves its whole own singular episode for those of
us who might be going through that. I think my
(26:56):
perspective on ending a relationship, despite all of the what ifs,
despite maybe still being in love with them, is that
there will be a period of time where it's going
to hurt and it's going to be hard. But that
period of time can start now, or it can start
in three months, or it can start in a year,
and you'll wish you'd done it earlier. You'll wish that
(27:17):
you'd had given yourself more of that time to heal
and move on. You wish that you claimed that time
as your own. But there's no doubt that it's not
an easy decision. So why is that? What are some
of the psychological and emotional barriers to making this kind
of choice, one that we intuitively know might be necessary,
(27:39):
and yet we cannot seem to follow through. Well, that's
what I want to talk about next, as well as
some of the ways to ease the pain, and some
encouragement for those of you still looking for the motivation.
So all of that and more after this shortbreak. Ending
(28:02):
a relationship is painful, let's not sugarcoat that fact. And
I think we often think that the person who's being
broken up with is the only one who deserves to
feel that grief and feel that pain. But making that decision,
knowing what you might be giving up that this person
will not be your person anymore, is a decision that
(28:24):
brings its own unique set of emotions, including grief, including heartbreak,
and maybe that stigmer around being the person who does
the breaking up is what keeps us in the wrong
relationships for a way too long. I remember when I
was with someone previously debating for months and months about
(28:45):
what to do, and I think it was something that
we both knew needed to happen, but neither of us
could do it. Neither of us wanted to be kind
of the one to pull the trigger. Our romantic relationships
become somewhat of an anchor for us, both in good
ways and bad ways. They can keep us really steady,
but an anchor can also keep you stuck in one
(29:06):
place and left feeling detached from yourself, kind of aimlessly floating,
or deeply unhappy. And you do not deserve to be unhappy,
not now, not ever. You truly do deserve the absolute best.
And I know right now that can be really hard
to see. It's hard to see that there are better
things out there or a future beyond this person. But
(29:29):
I want to assure you that there is the world
is beautiful and wide and so surprising, and it's filled
with incredible richness. Right now, you're kind of probably experiencing
tunnel vision in your relationship, but I promise time is
an amazing thing that heals all of those wounds. So
what are some of the things that are preventing us
(29:50):
from making this very hard call? The first one I
always think of is this concept of sunk costs. If
you're not familiar with this idea, Essentially, our brains sometimes
think of things like relationships as an investment. Now this
is more of an economics concept than a psychological one,
but we have seen research that shows that the same
(30:12):
reason that people make dodgy investments or purchases is the
same reason people stay in bad or unfulfilling relationships. The
sunk cost fallacy is this cognitive bias that makes you
feel like you need to continue being with this person,
putting love, time and energy into this relationship rather than
(30:33):
walking away because you've already lost so much by being
with them for so long. We continue to invest because
by leaving we feel like we are losing out on
all that time we've already given them, thinking that if
we stay, maybe that won't be a waste and then
it will be worth it. This fallacy, or this bias,
(30:55):
it causes us to make irrational decisions that are not
aligned with our best interests. And you know, if you
have been with this person for a while, if you
live together, maybe you're engaged, your family loves them, You've
built this life with them, and that is going to
make it more difficult to end a relationship compared to
a two month fling, where that is a much more
(31:16):
short term investment. It's the same thing as being comfortable.
Once you sometimes feel safe with someone, you can become complacent.
Once you feel very intensely comfortable, you put up with
a lot more difficulties or insecurities or unhappiness because you
worry it will cost you even greater unhappiness to leave
(31:38):
this person than what you are tolerating right now. That
reasoning makes you stay, even if it's not an accurate calculation.
I want to say also, I'm not saying that your
relationship shouldn't be comfortable. It should be absolutely the most
safe feeling. It should feel like home. But if you
are staying because that's what you're used to and because
(31:59):
you are scared of the unknown, that may not be
the best choice when you consider all the other factors.
The next reason is expectant thinking. And oh my goodness,
if I don't see this all the time, even in
my own past relationships, it is so unbelievably common. It's
similar to the what if thought pattern. It's this sense
of belief that something one day is going to change,
(32:23):
particularly that your partner might change. We enter into this
state of kind of optimistic delusion, whereby we believe that
things will be different, that we can change them, things
will turn around, and we just need to do X
or y, or get married or move in together, or
spend more time apart or improve this one little thing
(32:45):
about their personality and it will all be perfect. And
I think being optimistic is a very beautiful personality trait.
But I also don't believe that people are able to
change who they are at their very core. That is
something that is ingrained them from birth, from early experiences,
from formative events, and it takes a lot of effort
(33:06):
to shift that, a shift that I don't think we
can force someone into. Reflect on what you can do,
what you would want to do. If this thing doesn't change,
what is the future here? Will you actually be happy
if they continue to be this version of themselves, if
they do not put an effort, if they continue to
(33:27):
do this thing that deeply annoys you or leaves you
feeling let down. I also think that if you're listening
to this episode, perhaps you already know the answer to that,
and you know that perhaps what you have been engaging
in is not realistic but expectant thinking. Also, sometimes we
think that we won't be able to do better than
(33:49):
what we have. Maybe this person you're with is completely fine.
They're nice enough, they're good to you, everyone loves them,
they're friendly. But you just want more. That is still
a perfectly acceptable reason, and believing that you deserve more
is the only confirmation you need to know that you
deserve more. Maybe you want more passion, you want a
(34:11):
deeper connection, more things in common, greater compatibility. There are
millions of people in the world you can be with.
You do not need to settle with someone just because
they are good enough. That's really I don't think what
we're aiming for in life. Good Enough is not the
level sometimes though. What can hold us back are a
(34:32):
number of very instinctual human fears, and they are the
fear of the unknown, the fear of change or uncertainty,
and the fear of loneliness, all very core to our
inherent drives and basic needs. Breakups are a very big
relational and social shift, and a lot may have changed
(34:53):
since you were last single. You may have lost a
few friends, you may have moved, graduated, lost some of
your interests, transformed as a person, so you don't really
know what you're entering back into. You don't really know
what it feels like to be alone, and that is scary.
But I think it is in those moments of being
uncomfortable and uncertain that we experience the greatest growth. Your
(35:18):
future self is going to thank you for making this
hard decision. When all the dust has settled, you will
be very grateful. Trust me, you really will. Things may
be scary for a while, you probably will feel lonely
and you will miss them. That is only a natural
part of the kind of disintegration of a personal bond,
but with time that becomes easier, and then one day
(35:42):
you wake up and you realize it was all for
the best. That it needed to happen. Loneliness is just
an emotion. It's just a feeling. It comes and goes,
it dips and rises, and you will be okay through
it all. You will be stronger, you will be better,
you will find someone better. I just really, truly, deeply
(36:03):
believe that you should not be with someone who is
not adding to your life. In your twenties, this is
your time to be your own person, to prioritize exactly
what is going to make you happy, not stay out
of obligation or because of fear or expectation. Is this
the life that you want with this person? Are they
(36:24):
making you the best version of yourself? Are they making
you happy? Why don't you deserve someone that is or
who does do all those things, even if it takes
a while, even if they're not right around the corner,
even if in the meantime you feel a little bit
lost or you feel a little bit alone. It's all
about that trial and error. I also want to say
(36:45):
you're not a failure just because this didn't work out.
This is part of the human experience. People change, You change,
the relationships change. People break up, and it's very sad.
It can be quite devastating, But I don't think it's
as devastating as staying out of fear of loneliness or
what others will think, or what you've been taught to
believe about yourself that you don't deserve better. You really do.
(37:08):
I keep saying it. I must sound like a broken record,
but it's not your fault that your relationship didn't work out.
And I don't think that the only indicator of our
self worth is whether we were able to make a
relationship work. There is so much more to you as
an individual than this person you're currently with. So I
(37:29):
really hope that this episode has helped you if you
are thinking about making a certain life decision, or you're
thinking about perhaps walking away from someone in your life.
I just hope that it's given you some more information
as to why you're thinking this way, what your brain
is kind of battling with, why you are feeling a
little bit scared. So I'm really sending you so much love,
(37:52):
I'm sending you so much strength. I think that you
are doing all the right things. You are thinking critically
about your decis you are showing yourself self love and
compassion by listening to podcasts like this. I think you
are brilliant, so best of luck with what you're going through.
As always, if there is someone out there in your
(38:12):
life who needs to hear this episode, please feel free
to share it with them and follow us over at
that Psychology podcast. If you had thoughts, feelings, questions about
this episode, if you need advice anything like that, or
if you have an episode suggestion, I'm always on board
to hear your ideas. Also check out my Patreon. Like
I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, it will
(38:35):
be in the episode description, along with some additional resources
information and where to find me elsewhere. Thank you so
much for joining us for this episode. I really hope
you enjoyed it. I hope you got something out of it,
and as always, we will be back next week
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode, back for another topic.
Before we get started today, I just wanted to let
you guys know that I have a Patreon and I
would really appreciate if you considered supporting the show. It
(00:47):
is just me on this end of the microphone writing
our episodes, researching them, recording them, editing them, and it's
a lot of work, so I really appreciate all the
added support, additional support that you lovely listeners am my
amazing psychology community choose to contribute, so have a look
over there for bonus content, transcripts, early access to episodes,
(01:11):
and so much more. And as always, if you have
an episode suggestion or just any ideas on what we're discussing,
any of your own thoughts or inputs, you can DM
me at that Psychology Podcast. But back to the episode,
we are going pretty deep today. We are bearing all
with possibly one of the hardest questions I think we
(01:33):
have to ask ourselves in a relationship, when we know
it isn't working, When is it time to walk away?
When do we know that it's over? I know this
is a question that can haunt a lot of us,
maybe has haunted us in the past, especially when we
don't want to let go, but we know that we should.
We know that there are really valid reasons behind this
(01:57):
got instinct that we're having. So what I really want
to do is use this episode to provide some of
the psychology and the research that indicates when and why
certain relationships don't work, what keeps us holding on, and
the reasons we ignore those warning signs or the reasons
(02:17):
we ignore reasons to leave, not just bad but also
some of the more neutral reasons, like just not feeling
fulfilled or happy. I think ultimately, our twenties are not
meant to be spent worrying if someone is right for
us or it should not be spent I guess in
a relationship that is shrouded in doubt. So if that
(02:39):
is you right now, firstly, my heart goes out to you,
but I also hope that this episode gives you the
guidance that you're looking for at this kind of fork
in the road. Like I said before, I think the
reason I really wanted to tackle this topic today is
because I think one of the hardest dilemmas we have
to face is whether to walk away from someone you
(03:00):
still love because you know the relationship isn't right for you,
because you know you deserve more, or you are just
at your core not happy. And that decision, or even
that line of questioning, that doubt, it can come up
for a lot of reasons. Maybe the passion isn't there anymore,
there's a lack of effort, you're growing apart, you have
(03:21):
different futures, you're fighting all the time, and then again
also things that are more insidious, like cheating or emotional
and physical abuse. But I also think, and I saw
someone say something very similar to this the other day,
and I couldn't agree more. Your relationship doesn't have to
be toxic. Your partner does not have to be terrible
(03:44):
or be a bad person for you to want to leave.
It doesn't have to be a relationship that is marked
by fights or even abuse or irreconcilable differences. It can
just be unfulfilling. You can just be wanting more, and
I think just being unhappy or exhausted is a valid
(04:05):
reason if this isn't what you want, if you know
that you're drained or unsatisfied. You don't have to stay
with someone just because you have a history, or because
they treat you really well, or you have your family
or friend's approval for this person in your life. That's
something that I think keeps us very stuck. We think
there needs to be some problem or some fault for
(04:27):
us to end things. But really, at the end of
the day, it's your life. This is your time. These
are your days to prioritize your well being. And you
don't want to look back in ten years time, in
a year's time and realize that you wasted time being
with perhaps the wrong person, just because you are maybe
(04:50):
scared to upset others or maybe just scared of being lonely.
Please please, from me to you, do not waste the
best years of your life on someone who isn't right
for you. That is something that you will regret. As
someone who has been there, done that, got the T shirt,
(05:10):
and who still does see all the good in my
previous relationships and all the amazing growth that they've given me,
I still wish time and time again that I had
left earlier. Basically, what I'm trying to communicate is that
there can be a myriad of reasons, but in that moment,
what you're going through is going to feel so deeply
personal and conflicting. I think often we can also feel
(05:31):
stuck in kind of what we would call a processing
loop or a thought spiral to end things or not,
and contemplating what that might mean for us, How will
we move forward, what next? Where do you go from here?
It's this concept of the what ifs that I think
really haunt us. What if things just get better? What
(05:53):
if I make a mistake by making this decision? What
if I hurt this person? And a bit one is
what if I leave them and they treat the next
person exactly how I wanted to be treated. That's a
really big one for a lot of us. Knowing that
this individual who you might still love will inevitably at
(06:14):
some stage no longer be part of your life and
will probably find someone you live a life without you,
And I think that's something that we can't cope with.
That uncertainty, that unknowing. We never enter into a relationship
thinking that it's going to end. These what if thoughts,
they can become quite intrusive and result in a lot
(06:36):
of overall anxiety, things like trouble falling asleep, having a
hard time concentrating because you are weighing up every answer,
or maybe you also just wait patiently for things to change.
You know, deep down in your gut, at the core
of your intuition, you know what you need to do.
That is a reminder that I want you to take
(06:58):
from this today. There is always some impulse, some fear
that holds us back. And here's the thing I think
sometimes we think that intuition is not a particularly scientific, valid,
reliable concept or idea, But there is a growing body
of evidence that suggests that humans are born with this
very basic emotionally intuitive ability, this ability to immediately respond
(07:25):
to something that is highly emotionally potent or arousing, and
we respond with a decision or an interpretation that is correct.
We know what is right and wrong even without thinking
about it, you know, thoroughly, even without contemplating every single option.
You know, for example, watching your partner across the room
(07:46):
talking to your friends and realizing that they're not the
one that got instinct can be correct because the stomach
and the heart, they contain a significant amount of neural tissue,
and that neural tissue is connected to the brain. It's
called the gut brain and heart brain axis. And we
(08:09):
know that neurotransmitters and hormones like dopamine and serotonin, they
will influence cognitive processes, and they will influence our decision
making and our emotions, and those biochemical signals also contribute
to our intuitive responses. Basically, sometimes you are correct to
trust your gut when it comes to things like this.
(08:31):
I also want to make the final point that your
twenties are not the time to be in a relationship
that is not fulfilling you, or that is just incredibly
hard work or putting your wellbeing or your other relationships,
your friendships understrain. That time for self sacrificing and that
level of commitment. It will come, it will come one day,
(08:53):
But right now, I think if you have doubts, that
is a huge warning sign, and it's a that you
already know what your answer is to that question when
is it time to walk away? So let's also break
down some of the other key reasons or indicators after
this short break. So I want to outline how we
(09:20):
know when it's time to walk away. If you have
your doubts or a gut instinct that this relationship is
not right for you, Hopefully some of these reasons can
confirm or maybe deny your intuition. Firstly, if you just
don't love them anymore and that connection is gone, the
things that you used to adore about them no longer
make you excited or passionate or interested, I think that
(09:43):
is a huge indicator. Love is sometimes a bit of
a fickle emotion, and obviously it's impossible to be in
the active state of love all the time. A reaction
an emotion like this, I don't think it can be
sustained at that level of intensity for so long. But
it's about more so those quiet moments when you sit
(10:06):
and think about your partner, when you pause and you
focus on all the things you like about them, your
shared memories. Do you still love them in that moment?
Do you still love them? Do they make you feel
happy and special and warm, or have they kind of
just become a secondary character in your life? An acquaintance.
(10:28):
There's two things I want to say about this point though. Firstly,
I think love is something I do think that we
can work on. But the question to ask yourself is
is that really the kind of work that you're willing
to do right now? And I think that's a question
I can't answer for you. That is entirely personal. Are
you willing to make efforts to fall back in love
with your partner? I also think that you can still
(10:51):
deeply love someone and know that the relationship isn't right
for the both of you. Love is kind of seen
as this very irrational for many reasons, and I think
this is one of them. You can love someone and
still know that the conditions of your relationship are not
what you want them to be. You can still be
(11:11):
annoyed by their actions, or feel the attraction fading, or
just know that it's not going to make you happier
for much longer. You know that you deserve better. Sometimes also,
the things that we initially really loved and adored about
someone can come to be the reason that we fall
out of love. It's this idea known as fatal attraction theory,
(11:32):
and what it argues is that what attracts us to
your partner in the first place is often the reason
that the relationship ends. So they've done a few studies
on this. In one of them, a researcher recruited I
think around three hundred university students and she asked them
to list the qualities that attracted them to their former partner,
(11:54):
and then they were asked to list the qualities in
their partner that led to the breakup. She found that
thirty percent in thirty percent of those cases, those traits
were the exact same ones. And some of the common
ones were being with someone who is initially really fun
and spontaneous, but in the long run, as you think
(12:15):
about the future, what it sometimes means is that they
really can't take anything seriously, or they're very unpredictable, or
maybe you are seeking a partner who seems really strong
and assertive, but that can become quite uncompromising or authoritarian.
Our perception of these character traits the ones that we
desire in a partner. They will change over time, especially
(12:38):
as we mature, and we also change as people, and
that is why we can sometimes fall out of love
with the person that we once adored. And that's really okay,
that's really natural, especially when we are young, especially when
like most of us, we are in our twenties, and
it kind of goes without saying that a lot of
us don't really know what we're looking for yet. I
(13:00):
think a big tell that this has potentially occurred in
your relationship is if you no longer want to spend
time with your person. Common interests and a desire to
spend time together. They are some of the main predictors
of the success of a relationship in the long term,
and often one of the most important factors that is
(13:21):
going to indicate just a basic underlying attraction or longevity
of the relationship. So if that drive towards each other
has faded, maybe you find yourself preferring to spend time
with your friends, or constantly postponing date nights or spending
time together because you don't really want to see them.
I think that's a very clear indicator that perhaps your
(13:45):
time together has come to an end. Secondly, another big
reason is if you no longer care what you're fighting
about or what you're fighting for. My mum always said
to me, you know the relationship is on the rocks
when you no longer feel the need to invest in
soul an argument when you are just resigned to the conflict,
because I think this indicates that you don't care about
(14:07):
the future of the relationship. Unconsciously, deep down, you kind
of know it's not worth the energy of a fight.
I think that the occasional disagreement or argument is actually
pretty healthy because it shows that you both care, You
have kept your own individual opinions, you have your own
emotional lives. And I obviously do not mean fights that
(14:30):
are hurtful or turn emotionally or even physically abusive. But
in every relationship, even friendships, you're not going to be
one hundred percent aligned on everything, and so sometimes it's
good to get that out there and to agree to
meet each other in that space of temporary conflict or disagreement.
(14:51):
There's actually this concept. I'm not sure if I'm a
fan of it, but I'm going to talk about it anyways.
It was termed by this man called Terry Reels normal
matrimonial hatred, And I know that sounds really intense, but
basically the premise is that every relationship is a reflection
of the spectrum of emotions that we are going to
(15:12):
feel as individuals, and sometimes that spectrum is going to
involve things like anger or frustration or even hatred, and
so being able to express those freely but in a
healthy way, one in which you're both invested in coming
to a solution or helping the other person is really,
really valuable. And maybe this is controversial, but like I said,
(15:36):
it's healthy to sometimes feel anger or frustration towards your partner,
obviously not to an irreparable degree. And I think when
you can't even be bothered to argue or be bothered
to fix those things, you just feel apathy, I think
that is a sign that it's time to walk away
from your relationship. Thirdly, if being with them is going
(15:59):
to or is currently taking you away from your own
life or your own dreams rather than elevating them, I
personally think it's time to leave now. I think this
is particularly important for those of us in our twenties,
because it is during this decade that we must be
in the business of cultivating our own independent lives. Your dreams,
(16:21):
your goals, your ambitions. Cannot wait for anyone, especially not
for someone you're not one hundred percent sure of, because
you risk throwing out some of the best years of
your life, regretting some of the decisions you didn't make
for a person who may one day just be a stranger.
If they are making you feel terrible about yourself or
(16:44):
they are keeping you from doing something you've always dreamed of,
I don't think that's it. For example, you know, if
you have an amazing job offered to move overseas or
to a new city, it's your dream job, but the
person you're with doesn't want to move or doesn't want
to do long distance and they're asking you to stay.
I think it's your duty to take that job, no
(17:05):
matter what they try and say. It is your duty
to claim your independence and your own dreams and really
just do what's best for you, to kind of protect
and be selfish with your golden years. And I know
that that is going to be a very hard decision.
I know that saying that and doing it is a
completely different thing. But this is your foundation. These are
(17:30):
your experiences, the ones that you will hopefully recount for
the rest of your life, the ones that will transform
your identity. And I really do believe that you need
the right person by your side in those moments, who
is willing to encourage you and be your biggest cheerleader.
I also think the best side of a healthy partner
(17:50):
is someone who wants good things for you more than
you do, who is going to inspire you to take
risks and follow your dreams, knowing that it might not
be what's best for them, but it's going to be
what's best for you because they are equally as invested
in your future. Also, you know, if this person is
(18:10):
your soulmate, not only will they a want what's best
for you, but who knows, maybe you will end up
together in the future. Maybe you'll come back together. I've
seen this happen with friends of mine who have broken
up with their partners because of big life changes, different goals,
and they've come back together later on a few years
(18:31):
down the track when they realized that they wanted this
person in their future and they were willing to make
it work. But I don't think it should require such
an intense, excessive degree of self sacrifice. I think this
regard for the future, your future, their future. It really
links to the next reason your values and your plans
(18:54):
for the future don't align. I think sometimes when we
are dating in our twenties, we feel like we are
going to be young and care free forever and that
we have all the time in the world, that time
is infinite. And maybe it's because I'm now in a
relationship with someone wonderful where thinking about the future does
(19:15):
not make me want to throw up, and I feel
that we are very aligned on some core things. But
that has really made me have this renewed belief in
the fact that compatibility is more than just physical chemistry.
You also need to have very core shared values and
(19:35):
be openly able to communicate about what that means for
the future, not just for your future as an individual,
but as a couple, especially if things are kind of
getting to that point of getting pretty serious, if that
vision is completely different, if they want kids and you
want to go in solo travel and those experiences are
(19:57):
both core to your own beliefs and in ava values,
I don't think any amount of wishful thinking is going
to change either of your minds. It's something I'm learning
the older I get. You cannot change someone through love.
You just have to accept them for who they are
and hope they accept you as well, and hope that
(20:17):
it's a fit. Loving them more needing them more will
not alter what might be an ugly truth that deep
down you know that you are just different and if
one of you has to give up, perhaps what is
a huge life goal that can at times foster a
lot of resentment that may eventually erode your relationship in
the future. It's going to be a hard conversation, but
(20:40):
I think you both deserve to be with someone who
wants the same things, or maybe just be alone to
fulfill some of those lifelong dreams that you honestly owe
it to yourself to complete if you are trying too
hard now. I think there are two schools of thoughts
when it comes to relationships and this dimension of them.
(21:02):
One is that they should be easy, that they should
feel easy and safe. They shouldn't be hard work, they
shouldn't be a struggle. And the second school of thought
is that relationships require work. Like anything else in life.
You need to be invested and kind of willing to
put in the miles regardless of what you think. I
(21:24):
personally think neither is wrong, neither is right. You should
not be the only one putting in effort or trying
too hard to cling onto the relationship. If they don't
make you feel special, if they are not putting in
the time, if they are taking you for granted, that
is not it, That is not it. It's this very
(21:45):
core relationship principle in psychology known as reciprocity. Each partner
has to give back what the other one is putting in.
And when that becomes unbalanced, I think we begin to
feel really unappreciated, feel the foundation kind of crumbling, like
we are constantly exhausted from that mental domestic emotional load.
(22:10):
The mental load is a really interesting concept here, and
it properly deserves its own episode. But essentially, it's this
idea that one partner, and it's normally the woman takes
on a lot of the emotional and mental effort of
being responsible for thinking about, planning, organizing all parts of
the relationship and your life together. You are the one
(22:32):
organizing dates, You're the one organizing weekend plans, what you're
going to eat for dinner, where you're going to travel
to and whilst some people really enjoy this, for others
and I would say for most of us, we want
a partnership from our partner. We want to be able
to rely on them when we're tied, when we have
a lot to do, when we have a lot going on,
(22:55):
and if you have communicated that to them, and you've
communicated what you need, what you want, and they have
been uncompromising, unwilling to offer you that, not investing as
much as you are. I think that requires a really
hard look at the future of that relationship. One thing
you should keep in mind is this idea in psychology
(23:16):
known as equity theory, and it was first proposed in
the eighties and it's often used to understand relationship breakdown
and even at times things like infidelity or cheating. Our
relationships last when we believe that the relationship is equitable
and fair and that the distribution of labor and investment
(23:37):
is also equal. The longer that that becomes unbalanced, the
more the resentment builds, the more we are likely, as
this research says, to do things that perhaps undermine our
relationship or look for a way out. Also, if you
are at this point, if you relate to this, ask yourself,
(23:57):
do you want to spend your twenties being someone's parent,
being their caregiver, cleaning up after them, feeling like you
are not appreciated. If you're going to be in a relationship,
let it be an adult one where you feel cared for,
that your needs are equally as important that they're happy
to occasionally take care of you and to do the
(24:18):
dishes or just the bare minimum. And my final reason,
I think this reason is an absolute non negotiable. It
is time to walk away if you are being disrespected
or you don't feel like this person treats you well enough.
We all deserve a very standard, bare minimum level of treatment.
(24:40):
And sometimes that is not going to be what someone
can offer you. And it's not always because they don't
love you right. There may be other things going on.
Maybe your love languages don't align, maybe they're struggling with
attachment issues, maybe you just haven't communicated enough. Those are
things that I I think we can work through at times,
(25:02):
like I said, if you're willing to do the work.
But then there are other behaviors that are absolute non negotiables.
If they are being coercive, if they're asking you not
to see your friends, controlling your behavior, belittling you, amongst
so many other things, that is not the kind of
relationship that you deserve or that you should be in
at any age or stage of your life. These kinds
(25:26):
of behaviors, this belittling, this making you feel bad about yourself,
perhaps even coercive control, needing you to constantly be there
for them if they need you. That does not come
from a place of love. Never. That comes from a
place of selfishness and control and authority. And I really
(25:48):
don't think that that is a place you need to
be in. I know that it's still very difficult to
make that decision to leave, because although we know that
it's problematic, we are probably very much aware of how
this is making us feel. Those kinds of relationships that
are highly almost abusive, or bonded, or coercive or controlling,
(26:09):
they create very deep trauma bonds, and they can also
feel and at times can be very dangerous to leave.
If you find you're not comfortable telling your family or
your friends how this person treats you, or that you
feel the need to protect them or hide certain parts
of your relationships, those are very clear early warning signs
(26:33):
someone who loves you will treat you with respect. Period,
end of discussion, it is time to leave. And I
also want to put some resources in the episode description.
If this does apply to your situation, I wish I
could talk about it more. But I also think that
that deserves its whole own singular episode for those of
us who might be going through that. I think my
(26:56):
perspective on ending a relationship, despite all of the what ifs,
despite maybe still being in love with them, is that
there will be a period of time where it's going
to hurt and it's going to be hard. But that
period of time can start now, or it can start
in three months, or it can start in a year,
and you'll wish you'd done it earlier. You'll wish that
(27:17):
you'd had given yourself more of that time to heal
and move on. You wish that you claimed that time
as your own. But there's no doubt that it's not
an easy decision. So why is that? What are some
of the psychological and emotional barriers to making this kind
of choice, one that we intuitively know might be necessary,
(27:39):
and yet we cannot seem to follow through. Well, that's
what I want to talk about next, as well as
some of the ways to ease the pain, and some
encouragement for those of you still looking for the motivation.
So all of that and more after this shortbreak. Ending
(28:02):
a relationship is painful, let's not sugarcoat that fact. And
I think we often think that the person who's being
broken up with is the only one who deserves to
feel that grief and feel that pain. But making that decision,
knowing what you might be giving up that this person
will not be your person anymore, is a decision that
(28:24):
brings its own unique set of emotions, including grief, including heartbreak,
and maybe that stigmer around being the person who does
the breaking up is what keeps us in the wrong
relationships for a way too long. I remember when I
was with someone previously debating for months and months about
(28:45):
what to do, and I think it was something that
we both knew needed to happen, but neither of us
could do it. Neither of us wanted to be kind
of the one to pull the trigger. Our romantic relationships
become somewhat of an anchor for us, both in good
ways and bad ways. They can keep us really steady,
but an anchor can also keep you stuck in one
(29:06):
place and left feeling detached from yourself, kind of aimlessly floating,
or deeply unhappy. And you do not deserve to be unhappy,
not now, not ever. You truly do deserve the absolute best.
And I know right now that can be really hard
to see. It's hard to see that there are better
things out there or a future beyond this person. But
(29:29):
I want to assure you that there is the world
is beautiful and wide and so surprising, and it's filled
with incredible richness. Right now, you're kind of probably experiencing
tunnel vision in your relationship, but I promise time is
an amazing thing that heals all of those wounds. So
what are some of the things that are preventing us
(29:50):
from making this very hard call? The first one I
always think of is this concept of sunk costs. If
you're not familiar with this idea, Essentially, our brains sometimes
think of things like relationships as an investment. Now this
is more of an economics concept than a psychological one,
but we have seen research that shows that the same
(30:12):
reason that people make dodgy investments or purchases is the
same reason people stay in bad or unfulfilling relationships. The
sunk cost fallacy is this cognitive bias that makes you
feel like you need to continue being with this person,
putting love, time and energy into this relationship rather than
(30:33):
walking away because you've already lost so much by being
with them for so long. We continue to invest because
by leaving we feel like we are losing out on
all that time we've already given them, thinking that if
we stay, maybe that won't be a waste and then
it will be worth it. This fallacy, or this bias,
(30:55):
it causes us to make irrational decisions that are not
aligned with our best interests. And you know, if you
have been with this person for a while, if you
live together, maybe you're engaged, your family loves them, You've
built this life with them, and that is going to
make it more difficult to end a relationship compared to
a two month fling, where that is a much more
(31:16):
short term investment. It's the same thing as being comfortable.
Once you sometimes feel safe with someone, you can become complacent.
Once you feel very intensely comfortable, you put up with
a lot more difficulties or insecurities or unhappiness because you
worry it will cost you even greater unhappiness to leave
(31:38):
this person than what you are tolerating right now. That
reasoning makes you stay, even if it's not an accurate calculation.
I want to say also, I'm not saying that your
relationship shouldn't be comfortable. It should be absolutely the most
safe feeling. It should feel like home. But if you
are staying because that's what you're used to and because
(31:59):
you are scared of the unknown, that may not be
the best choice when you consider all the other factors.
The next reason is expectant thinking. And oh my goodness,
if I don't see this all the time, even in
my own past relationships, it is so unbelievably common. It's
similar to the what if thought pattern. It's this sense
of belief that something one day is going to change,
(32:23):
particularly that your partner might change. We enter into this
state of kind of optimistic delusion, whereby we believe that
things will be different, that we can change them, things
will turn around, and we just need to do X
or y, or get married or move in together, or
spend more time apart or improve this one little thing
(32:45):
about their personality and it will all be perfect. And
I think being optimistic is a very beautiful personality trait.
But I also don't believe that people are able to
change who they are at their very core. That is
something that is ingrained them from birth, from early experiences,
from formative events, and it takes a lot of effort
(33:06):
to shift that, a shift that I don't think we
can force someone into. Reflect on what you can do,
what you would want to do. If this thing doesn't change,
what is the future here? Will you actually be happy
if they continue to be this version of themselves, if
they do not put an effort, if they continue to
(33:27):
do this thing that deeply annoys you or leaves you
feeling let down. I also think that if you're listening
to this episode, perhaps you already know the answer to that,
and you know that perhaps what you have been engaging
in is not realistic but expectant thinking. Also, sometimes we
think that we won't be able to do better than
(33:49):
what we have. Maybe this person you're with is completely fine.
They're nice enough, they're good to you, everyone loves them,
they're friendly. But you just want more. That is still
a perfectly acceptable reason, and believing that you deserve more
is the only confirmation you need to know that you
deserve more. Maybe you want more passion, you want a
(34:11):
deeper connection, more things in common, greater compatibility. There are
millions of people in the world you can be with.
You do not need to settle with someone just because
they are good enough. That's really I don't think what
we're aiming for in life. Good Enough is not the
level sometimes though. What can hold us back are a
(34:32):
number of very instinctual human fears, and they are the
fear of the unknown, the fear of change or uncertainty,
and the fear of loneliness, all very core to our
inherent drives and basic needs. Breakups are a very big
relational and social shift, and a lot may have changed
(34:53):
since you were last single. You may have lost a
few friends, you may have moved, graduated, lost some of
your interests, transformed as a person, so you don't really
know what you're entering back into. You don't really know
what it feels like to be alone, and that is scary.
But I think it is in those moments of being
uncomfortable and uncertain that we experience the greatest growth. Your
(35:18):
future self is going to thank you for making this
hard decision. When all the dust has settled, you will
be very grateful. Trust me, you really will. Things may
be scary for a while, you probably will feel lonely
and you will miss them. That is only a natural
part of the kind of disintegration of a personal bond,
but with time that becomes easier, and then one day
(35:42):
you wake up and you realize it was all for
the best. That it needed to happen. Loneliness is just
an emotion. It's just a feeling. It comes and goes,
it dips and rises, and you will be okay through
it all. You will be stronger, you will be better,
you will find someone better. I just really, truly, deeply
(36:03):
believe that you should not be with someone who is
not adding to your life. In your twenties, this is
your time to be your own person, to prioritize exactly
what is going to make you happy, not stay out
of obligation or because of fear or expectation. Is this
the life that you want with this person? Are they
(36:24):
making you the best version of yourself? Are they making
you happy? Why don't you deserve someone that is or
who does do all those things, even if it takes
a while, even if they're not right around the corner,
even if in the meantime you feel a little bit
lost or you feel a little bit alone. It's all
about that trial and error. I also want to say
(36:45):
you're not a failure just because this didn't work out.
This is part of the human experience. People change, You change,
the relationships change. People break up, and it's very sad.
It can be quite devastating, But I don't think it's
as devastating as staying out of fear of loneliness or
what others will think, or what you've been taught to
believe about yourself that you don't deserve better. You really do.
(37:08):
I keep saying it. I must sound like a broken record,
but it's not your fault that your relationship didn't work out.
And I don't think that the only indicator of our
self worth is whether we were able to make a
relationship work. There is so much more to you as
an individual than this person you're currently with. So I
(37:29):
really hope that this episode has helped you if you
are thinking about making a certain life decision, or you're
thinking about perhaps walking away from someone in your life.
I just hope that it's given you some more information
as to why you're thinking this way, what your brain
is kind of battling with, why you are feeling a
little bit scared. So I'm really sending you so much love,
(37:52):
I'm sending you so much strength. I think that you
are doing all the right things. You are thinking critically
about your decis you are showing yourself self love and
compassion by listening to podcasts like this. I think you
are brilliant, so best of luck with what you're going through.
As always, if there is someone out there in your
(38:12):
life who needs to hear this episode, please feel free
to share it with them and follow us over at
that Psychology podcast. If you had thoughts, feelings, questions about
this episode, if you need advice anything like that, or
if you have an episode suggestion, I'm always on board
to hear your ideas. Also check out my Patreon. Like
I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, it will
(38:35):
be in the episode description, along with some additional resources
information and where to find me elsewhere. Thank you so
much for joining us for this episode. I really hope
you enjoyed it. I hope you got something out of it,
and as always, we will be back next week
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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