March 12, 2024 • 42 mins
Love is scary. There are so many opportunities to be hurt, to be let down, to have thing turn out in a way we never wanted them to. But it's also one of the best things in live and brings incredible joy and fulfilment. Why is it that some of us avoid the experience all together. In today's episode we are going to discuss the fear of intimacy in all its forms. We will discuss:
- Signs you have a fear of intimacy (serial dating, situationships, emotional avoidance)
- Childhood and early relationship wounds
- The fear of engulfment and overbearing parents
- How insecurity drives protectiveness
- Our misconceptions about love
- 4 steps to healing your fear of intimacy
We also discuss some of the ways people in their 20s might not realise they have a fear of intimacy and why our society sometimes celebrates the things that keep us in a state of avoidance. All of that and more, listen now!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:27):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here, back for another episode as we dive
into the psychology of our twenties. This episode today, we
are going to get quite vulnerable. If you're a frequent
listener of the show, you will know that I'm always
(00:48):
looking for episode suggestions, things that you guys, my fellow
twenty something year olds, are going through as inspiration for
the podcast. Someone sent in this suggestion, Actually multiple of
you sent in this suggestion, and I read some of
these messages and just thought, how have we never discussed
this before. What we're talking about today is a fear
(01:12):
of intimacy. So many of you have been waiting for
this episode, and there is just a wealth of research content, articles,
theories that go along with it. And I also think
it's something that so many of us in our twenties
struggle with in silence and might not even realize that
we are going through. I think a fear of intimacy
(01:35):
is so valuable to understand because it's also one of
those ideas that has become misconstrued, misunderstood, overused in recent years.
And with that overuse, sometimes we don't always know the
facts and of course the science and the psychology behind
why it occurs, how it presents in our lives, and
(01:55):
also ways to move forward potential solutions. It's one of
those catch twenty two problems in psychology. We want more
people to have a label for what they're experiencing, but
that label still needs to be an informed one, and
we want people to have the correct information about what
they're describing. So that's what we're going to talk about
(02:17):
today because I think so many of us struggle with
the fear of intimacy in our twenties, and I don't
always think we have the right information. A fear of
intimacy during this decade shows up in a lot of different,
often invisible ways. Maybe you have found yourself in like
a constant cycle of situationships, You push people away when
(02:39):
they're trying to get to know you, both friends and
people you're dating. You can never bring yourself to go
on first dates, you start fights when things begin to
feel safe. You may have placed all of these conditions
on yourself for when you'll be allowed to date. You know,
I can't date until I've lost weight, until I fix
something about myself, until I love myself more. All of
(03:01):
these actions and habits is a fear of vulnerability, and
it is secretly keeping us from being vulnerable intimate with
people around us because we are scared that when we
get too close we get hurt, or that perhaps we
aren't worthy of the love we think we deserve, so
we shy away from any opportunity for us to be
(03:24):
proven wrong. I think to be emotionally intimate with someone
is to essentially give ourselves and give other people the
guidebook on how exactly to hurt us. If you have
been left scarred or burned by a past relationship, attachment
problems in childhood, even if you're just feeling particularly insecure.
(03:47):
I think that love can be one of the hardest
things that we can put ourselves through because there is
so much opportunity for disaster, so much opportunity to be hurt,
so much so that we avoid that crucial source that
being love and meaningful connection. It's actually quite devastating. Really,
I think a lot of us know this is going
(04:07):
on behind the scenes. We are not blind to how
this pattern of behavior and fear is active in our lives.
We want to be open, we want a witness to
our lives, we want to be seen. But it also
comes with the realization that allowing ourselves to go through
this might actually do something to hurt us further. Sometimes
(04:30):
that fear is too strong to push past. So my
hope is that this episode is of some help to you,
because I don't think big problems like this are overcome
in a day, But the first step is actually being
able to diagnose and understand the problem and having enough
background information to proceed. So, without further ado, let's get
(04:52):
into it. So, fear of intimacy is known by a
few other names, the most common one being avoidance anxiety,
which is sometimes applied to a lot more than just love.
Avoidance anxiety really gets to the heart of how a
fear of intimacy is sustained. When we have an excessive fear, concern,
(05:13):
worry towards a particular object or subject. The easiest way
to actually regulate that anxious response is to kind of
avoid anything that triggers it. So in that way, avoidance
becomes a coping mechanism, whereby we are so paralyzed by
what would happen if we encountered our fear, that we
act in the most rational way we can, which is
(05:36):
just to avoid that from ever happening. In the case
of a fear of intimacy, the trigger is not an
object though. It's not some fear like snakes or spiders
or planes. It's the feeling or a situation that being
in an intimate social contact with someone else might jeopardize
(05:56):
our sense of security and safety that we have created
for ourselves internally. Now, a fear of intimacy is actually
quite multifaceted. It can be emotional, sexual, even intellectual or spiritual.
So if we fear emotional intimacy, what we're fearing is
sharing our innermost feelings and true emotions with someone and
(06:19):
perhaps scaring them off, maybe because we are not accustomed
to our feelings being important or respected, or we're scared
of what they will be able to do to us
with that information. A fear of sexual intimacy, it's also
known as genophobia, is where we have this very serious
anxiety about sharing that part of ourselves with someone else.
(06:41):
Maybe we are worried about being hurt. We were reflecting
on really hard and traumatic past experiences where we weren't
given the respect that we deserve, and so now we
see any time that we're having sex or any opportunity
to be intimate with someone as possibly creating the same outcome,
and that's an outcome that we want to avoid. We
also have that fear of intellectual intimacy, and that's not
(07:04):
a facet of this that I think a lot of
us typically think of Intellectual intimacy is this exchange of
big ideas and thoughts and core beliefs that is actually
such a vulnerable, squishy, deep down part of ourselves that
very few people, I think ever really get access to
in our lives, and there's a lot that they can
(07:25):
do with that information. We might worry that someone will
be dismissive or use these things against us. We might
worry that they won't agree with us, that'll embarrass us,
that we'll realize that we're actually not as connected as
we thought. The root of all these fears is very subjective.
Whether you have a fear of emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy,
(07:47):
sexual intimacy. It's based primarily on past experiences and a
history with a whole bunch of things that can influence
our approach to being loved and accepting love. When we
have this fear of intimacy, it prevents us from engaging
(08:08):
in behaviors that will create a lifelong or sustaining bond,
unfortunately for us. You know, to be loved is to
be intellectually intimate, is to be emotionally intimate, is to
sometimes be sexually intimate, And sadly, a relationship does have
some core parameters and necessary foundations, and we will have
(08:29):
to kind of get past this fear of sharing those
deep parts of ourselves if we ever want to truly
feel like we should accept or feel like we can
accept love into our lives. We mention some of the
indicators of a fear of intimacy briefly before, but to
dive into it a little bit further, some of the
signs that you might be struggling with this, whether consciously
(08:52):
or not, includes a series of really short relationships that
all end because of insignificant things. They gave you a
small ick, they didn't finish all their food on a date,
they didn't like the same music as you. These icks,
these reasons that you think are valid, may actually be
protecting you from a deep explanation, a deeper explanation which
(09:14):
is that you don't feel ready, You're getting too close
to the edge of tipping out of your comfort zone.
So you are searching for what you see as a
valid reason to end the relationship that has nothing to
do with you and won't require you to actually look
at your contribution to this relationship fizzling out. This may
also be linked to a level of relationship OCD or perfectionism.
(09:39):
Relationship OCD is something that I am really really fascinated about,
because I do think that at times it's been one
of the reasons I've sabotaged relationships. What this form of
OCD means is that we have a lot of obsessive
thoughts about our concerns and doubts when it comes to
a romantic partner that are really difficult to manage, that
(09:59):
feel very much out of our control. We often end
up existing in this state of hypervigilance towards very small
signs that us and our partner are not compatible. We
are looking for reasons that this isn't going to work
before they blindside us. We are looking for reasons to
break up with them before we get hurt. Even in
the early stages of dating, we may hold potential partners
(10:22):
to a really high standard, perhaps even an impossible one,
because we still feel like we're being open. We're still
saying like, yeah, I'm ready for a relationship, but I
just don't want to settle. My standards are so high
that I just don't want anyone who's below that. And
that's what we tell ourselves when actually there really isn't
anyone who could ever meet our expectations. Sometimes our standards
(10:42):
actually are opposed to each other, but it gives us
this opportunity to keep people at bay. Now that's not
to say that you don't deserve to be picky and
you don't deserve the most exceptional, amazing form of love.
But it's interesting when we start to see contradictions in
the things that we want from someone. Those contradictions are
pretty good evidence that the standards we're setting for ourselves
(11:04):
are a lot more protective than they are kind of informative.
They're trying to stop us from something rather than trying
to keep us open to something. This always for me,
resulting in a grass's greener mentality. You're constantly thinking about
how your relationship should be perfect, how if you're missing
(11:25):
one thing it's a failure. You have these fantasies about
a flawless relationship that probably doesn't exist, But by continuing
to invest in the delusion, you keep all these other
possibilities for love at bay. The thing I always think
about when it comes to this is this concept known
as the ninety ten rule. Now, there was a video
(11:46):
about this that went super viral on TikTok recently, and
I think for the best kinds of reasons, because so
many of us fall into the trap of the ninety
ten rule. The premise of this is that you can
be with someone who is like ninety percent everything that
you wanted, everything that you have dreamed of, everything that
your childhood self wanted from love, But there is this
(12:06):
ten percent that just isn't quite right. And those things
aren't deal breakers, right, They're just small things like, oh,
they don't do the dishes exactly when I want them
to do them, or oh, they're not as like it's
spontaneous as I am, and you let that ten percent
dominate over the ninety percent, so that you go out
looking for someone who fulfills the ten percent, but then
(12:27):
they are only ten percent of what you actually want.
You've given up something that is actually incredibly good for
you over small reasons. Sometimes I would say that's the
sign of a fear of intimacy, even if it doesn't
look like it on the surface. Here are some other
things that would tell me that someone is struggling with this.
When you are in a relationship, you may also withhold
(12:49):
information or avoid sharing your feelings because it's going to
make you too vulnerable. You also might test your partner
through through emotional bids. So emotional bids are these attempts
to connect with your partner by gaining their attention in
a way that is actually indirect. I always like to
use the example of starting fights. It's not that you
(13:12):
even have anything to be mad about. It's just that
you are feeling insecure, You're feeling stuck, and you want reassurance.
You want that You want to kind of challenge your
relationship to see if it can push through this argument.
See if it can push through this fight, whether that
person is going to stay by your side once again.
I think all of this has its roots in a
fear of intimacy. Now we need to talk about where
(13:35):
exactly this comes from. There are quite a few experiences
that create this pattern of behavior or this reaction to
intimacy and love. Some of them actually seem to be
in opposition with each other, so it is very subjective
and based on your own mix of experiences. A lot
of these concerns, though, emerge in childhood, but even things
(13:58):
like our teenage relatetionationships past relationships, and a fear of
engulfment in security they also contribute. Before we get into this,
it's also important to understand this concept known as commitment readiness.
So commitment readiness is a fairly new measure in clinical
and research psychology, and it essentially refers to our openness
and receptiveness to a relationship. Every single one of us
(14:21):
has a level of commitment readiness, has this somewhat pre
formed or predetermined judgment of our ability to be in
a relationship. If you have low commitment readiness, it's going
to be difficult for you to for someone to convince
you to take this next step in your love or
in your connection because you just don't feel equipped. Whereas
(14:43):
we have these people who have a high commitment readiness
that means that they are the first ones to jump
into a relationship. They are ready for that commitment, they
are ready for that label. They want to be dating,
they want to be in a relationship. Now, a fear
of intimacy reflects a low level of commitment readiness and
that factor that the measure is impacted by the following.
So the major theory when it comes to a fear
(15:04):
of intimacy is that all of these quote unquote problem
behaviors began in childhood, normally as the result of a neglectful, disorganized,
overbearing parenting style. If as a child, you did not
receive the love, the care, the reassurance, the compassion, the
security that you needed from your primary caregiver, you may
(15:26):
have implicitly learned that close relationships are not something that
you can rely on for your needs. You really only
have yourself, So you push away people who might try
and get close. That's very indicative of an anxious, avoidant
attachment style. This emotional neglect that you have experienced, it
may cause you to unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror
(15:50):
your past experience. So if you grew up in an
environment with emotionally unavailable parents, this may unintentionally cause you
to be drawn too emotionally unavailable partners in the future,
because it's just creating a familiar pattern, and these people
you can also keep at a distance when you know
(16:11):
maybe you are actually the emotionally unavailable one. What you're
doing is seeking out partners who allow you to stay
in what is familiar, what is comfortable, and what you know,
which is that they will never fulfill your needs. They
will never be someone who is going to ask you
how your day was, who's going to push past the
boundaries and the kind of barriers that you've created so
you continue to feel safe when really you're actually avoiding
(16:34):
a deeper level of intimacy that will require you to
give up your past misconceptions of love and be vulnerable.
I think we all have some basic understanding that emotionally
unavailable caregivers are going to create fearful and avoidant patterns
of love and connection, but in the complete opposite direction.
(16:55):
There's also been some emerging research that being raised by
parents who will overprotect, smothering, overbearing also creates a fear
of intimacy because we fear for our independence, and we
fear for our freedom because we have been taught that
close relationships cause us to have to give up parts
of ourselves or feel closely monitored, feel closely observed. So
(17:20):
I came across this theory a couple of years ago
in a PhD paper from someone in Australia, and they
talked about how overprotective parenting is actually really linked to
an insecure attachment style, particularly in young men. Maybe it's
because they resent how closely observed they were they don't
want that to be replicated in their romantic relationships. Or
(17:43):
perhaps it's this retrospective rebellion or protest against what they
found unfair as a child that manifests in them continuing
to push people away who want to get close to
them in adulthood. Whatever that may be, it obviously differs
from person person, but it can lead to what some
researchers call a fear of engulfment, whereby we are afraid
(18:06):
of being controlled, dominated, of losing ourselves to a relationship
and then being unable to find our way back when
the relationship inevitably ends. Because we have that core attitude
that love does not last. I don't think it's any
surprise that if you are an especially hyper independent person,
someone who pushes back against requests for assistance, who prefers
(18:29):
their own company, who believes on a very deep level
that they don't need anyone but themselves, it's obvious that
you are more likely to appear as if you are
actually afraid of intimacy and you're afraid of what a
relationship might cost you. A lot of people who are
hyper dependent. Some therapists call it a trauma response, but
(18:50):
they may not even recognize that this is an issue
because as a society, we express a lot of approval
and respect for traits like independence, especially in highly individualized
Western cultures. Independence is incredibly positive and it can actually
show a great level of security when it comes to
(19:11):
knowing yourself and what you want. But with anything, I
think balance is key, and when you need your need
to be independence outweighs your primal need for connection and
for community and for intimacy. That is when we begin
to see these patterns that mimic a fear of vulnerability
and a fear of love or avoidance anxiety. I used
(19:31):
to actually have a friend like this, and she was
actually she continues to be. I will say that one
of the most wonderful and accomplished people I know. This
woman runs marathons, she has her own business, she was
studying full time. She had a million hobbies. She could bake,
she could make music. She could teach you incredibly complicated
(19:52):
economics without like even batting an eye. She's obviously, I'm
just singing her praises. She was amazing. But she was
so protective of her own dependence that she kind of
rejected anyone who tried to get to know her on
a really intimate level because she was convinced that a
relationship would eat into her freedom and her ability to
make decisions that were best for her. I honestly think
(20:14):
that on some level, there's a lot of respect for that,
and she had a great level of dedication to herself,
and honestly, love shouldn't mean compromising those things. But the
thing is that the right person won't ask you to
what she thought was protecting her keeping romantic love at
Bay was actually something that she ended up really resenting,
(20:36):
and she couldn't quite square. She couldn't quite make sense
of these two very loud forces operating within her that
were very opposed. She wanted to be loved, but she
also wanted to be free, and she couldn't quite figure out.
I think in retrospect how those two things could be equal,
because she had all of these negative beliefs and perceptions
of what love would do to her. And I think
(20:57):
that that hyperindependence, that fear of engulfment, that fear of
losing freedom, is an aspect of a fear of intimacy
that we don't really discuss. Past relationship troma, not just
in childhood, can also contribute. We often really like to
focus on childhood as the only source of our attachment wounds.
But equally, I think a lot of psychologists, a lot
(21:18):
of researchers are beginning to realize that those teenage relationships,
those first relationships, our early experiences with love, when they
turn sour, when they are particularly difficult, when they are traumatic,
they can equally shape how we connect with people. If
your first boyfriend or girlfriend was this like intense whirlwind
(21:38):
of huge feelings and commitment, and then they ended up
cheating on you, or they ended up saying terrible things
about you, severely damaging your self esteem, it is going
to be hard for you to trust or love other people,
even if you had very welcoming, beautiful, loving, emotionally available parents,
because that was still a really formative and core memory
for you when it came to your opinions on intimacy,
(22:01):
especially when we talk about someone injuring your self esteem.
That stuff, the last can last a lifetime. It creates insecurity,
and it creates this need, this survival instinct to protect
ourselves from future hurt from someone else getting too close
to us, coming into our lives, feeling love for them,
(22:24):
and then having them just completely break us down. And
sometimes those experiences also actually convince us that we don't
deserve to be loved, that anyone who loves us we
have deceived them, we have lied to them so successfully,
and one day they're going to wake up and they're
going to see it like that person from our past.
Did they hurt us so badly that anytime someone else
(22:46):
wants to come through that door, wants to show us
what we're missing, show us what we deserve, we see
it as a threat, so we push away. We run away.
We don't want to be confronted by these thoughts, by
this potential for a bad outcome. All of this leads
to a level of emotional unavailability. I think we often
(23:07):
villainize people by calling them emotionally unavailable, which completely overlooks
so many of the aforementioned factors and experiences, a lot
of which happened to us. We're not exactly active in.
We're passive to how other people have treated us, how
other people have taught us to be loved and to
receive love. No one wants to feel unlovable. No one
(23:28):
wants to hold back, but they're doing so in a
lot of cases to protect themselves, and it's often based
in a lot of insecurity, a lot of fear patterns
of avoidance that we can actually recover from if you
haven't worked through these things. So if no one's ever
said this to you, if no one's ever told you
that this is how it was, this is how it is,
(23:49):
this is how it works, you're going to continue to
end up in those relationships that aren't fulfilling, to keep
reverting to the status quo, the easy thing, which is
to be alone. So we're going to discuss some of
the consequences of that after this short break, as well
as deconstructing your fear of intimacy and how to move
(24:09):
past it in just a second. Even though a fear
of intimacy is a largely unconscious process, we can still
observe how it affects our behavior and our experiences. Fear
of intimacy is such a struggle. There is so much
shame involved, questioning why am I like this? And also
(24:33):
a comparison to how everyone else in their twenties is
looking like they're living their best lives. They're finding partners,
they're telling us their love stories, they're getting married, they
seem really happy, whilst we stay in this hypervigilant, anxious
avoidance state, simultaneously wanting a relationship and petrified of what
(24:54):
that might entail, what we could lose, getting hurt again,
the courage to put ourselves out there, and just the
strength that we might not have at this moment. Some
other impacts include a cycle of emotionally shallow relationships that
actually keep reaffirming what we already erroneously believe, which is
(25:15):
that love is not fulfilling, It is going to hurt,
it will end, it is not worth the commitment. We're
actually accidentally creating a self fulfilling prophecy in those moments,
because we are pursuing the kinds of relationships that never
really challenge us, that match what we have come to
expect from love, and so we never give ourselves the
opportunity to know any differently. The foundations of our fear
(25:38):
of intimacy. They remain unchanged, even if it looks like
we are putting ourselves out there, even if we're serial dating.
A lot of people who have spoken to who struggle
with the fear of intimacy, they also talk about a
persistent loneliness underneath it all. They do want more, they
do want those relationships that are nourishing, but they keep
(26:01):
self isolating or self sabotaging without even realizing that they're
doing it. And they feel like they're doing it all wrong,
that they're the ones who make mistakes, that they are
just not worthy of love, they were just meant to
be alone. I want you to be really gentle with
yourself when those thoughts emerge. You are not alone in this,
You are not always growing to be alone in this.
(26:22):
So many people, people that I know, people I have
spoken to, find fulfilling and wonderful and lifelong love out
of a place of a fear of intimacy. Moving past
a place of a fear of intimacy, and it's not
a death sentence. It's just something to be aware of,
an approach with kindness and forgiveness to yourself. So what
(26:43):
can we actually do about addressing our fear of intimacy
both within ourselves and also maybe within the people we're dating. Firstly,
you need to do the deep internal work to firstly
identify the root of this feeling. We've given kind of
a selection of different explanations, but you are the only
one who can understand how far back this spans, where
(27:06):
this has come from, why this has occurred. I think
professional assistance a therapist during this journey is incredible because
they're going to be honest with you. They're going to
prompt some of those larger epiphany moments. They're going to
bring a neutrality to your situation that will be really helpful.
That is going to break yourself Shamespichael, maybe break your
(27:29):
pity party, break your self sabotage. I know though that
therapy at the moment is quite inaccessible. It's expensive, the
weightless are super long. So in the meantime, here are
some questions that you can ask yourself to help get
to that point. Of identifying where this feeling may have
come from. So the first question I want you to
(27:50):
ask yourself is what is the worst thing that could
happen in a relationship? Is it the pain of it ending?
Is it the fear that you will lose yourself, that
you will have to share parts of yourself that are vulnerable?
Why are you so scared of being in love and
being seen? What are you actually worried about? Secondly, do
(28:13):
you actually feel lovable? And if the answer is no,
why is that? Is it because you are nursing a
deeper insecurity That is actually the main issue here, but
it is just manifesting in avoidance. Is it because someone
has taught you in the past that you are unlovable
and you've taken that to be truth. Is it because
your parents created an environment where you felt undeserving of
(28:35):
attention and care and emotional safety. Once again, this is
really revealing. It helps you get to the core of
the problem here, Where did this come from? Throughout this process,
I think it's also valuable to start breaking down and
really examining some of those false beliefs that we all
have when it comes to love. Some of those examples,
(28:56):
some examples of this include you know, love is easily broken.
It's always going to disappear. If my relationship fails, that's
going to prove that I'm unlovable. If I keep my distance,
I'm safe and in control. I'm going to be people.
People are going to be embarrassed of me if they're
dating me. People are going to cringe me. Marriage, relationships
(29:16):
they never work out, they always end. These beliefs all
keep us in a place of fear. And of course,
if you've had past experience with her, if your parents
got divorced, if you've just had someone treat you really badly,
it's not that you've actually, you know, been conscious and
accepting those fears and accepting those false beliefs. They've something
(29:37):
that you've learned unconsciously and implicitly from your environment. But
you need to prove to yourself that they are not
the whole truth. And the way we can do that
is by visualizing ourselves in a relationship where none of
this occurs, When none of this comes true, What would
your ideal relationship look like? How would it feel to
be loved and cherished? And is that desire bigger than
(29:57):
fear for you? Is that something that you really you
really want. What activities would you do with your partner?
What small ways would they show you love and you
show them love and return? How would it feel to say,
you know, in five years like I confronted my fear
and I proved it wrong and now I have this
really good thing. And would you be okay if it
didn't work out? Yeah, you totally would be. You totally
(30:21):
would be. Now. Part of this is also about questioning
whether this relationship is actually possible. Have you seen an
example of this or is there a version of this
person that you would actually want? Would you be willing
to compromise on some of those things that you really
really think are necessary in a relationship. I'm going to
say this again. You're allowed to want big things for yourself,
but don't let that hold you back from a relationship
(30:43):
that might not look perfect straight out the gate, but
takes time to grow. Like I said before, sometimes we
create such impossible standards to actually keep our walls high.
This does not mean that you need to settle by
no means, but actually that you should examine what conditions
for love you are unfairly imposing as a way to
(31:05):
actually protect yourself. This links to my next piece of advice,
in a way, be wary of doing a complete one
point eight when it comes to dating and just artificially
accelerating any form of intimacy or connection you have with
anyone to just get that label. I think that what
we're doing here when we're like, Okay, i have a
(31:27):
fear of intimacy, I'm just going to get into a
relationship and work it all out, what we're doing is
putting ourselves through flooding or exposure therapy. So this time
flooding is actually something that we borrow from phobia treatment,
when people are scared of snakes or flying or dogs
or whatever, clowns, whatever it may be. Some therapists engage
in this technique where they force us to confront our
(31:50):
fears in their most intense and severe form. For example,
if you are scared of enclosed spaces, they make you
sit in and elevate it for hours as a way
to bring on pads and then help you work through it.
This really helps with objects. The thing is is that
love is not an object or a singular situation. It
is so much more nuanced and multi dimensional than that.
(32:13):
But sometimes we try to almost flood ourselves with a
really intense relationship to speed up the recovery process. In
this kind of like DIY healing kind of vibe, like
I'm just gonna take the crash course here, I'm just
gonna put myself on the accelerated path. This actually might
backfire and it will cause you to just reinforce all
(32:33):
the previous ideas that you had about love, that it
ends that it is not good, that it is shallow.
It might sound counterintuitive, but I actually think you need
to take a break from dating for a while to
perhaps interrupt that cycle of emotionally unfulfilling relationships or situations,
or that pattern of bad dates, that pattern of self sabotage.
(32:55):
You know, sometimes it's important to ask yourself, are you
actually just bearing yourself and these temporary feelings in these
white based dating apps to ignore what's really going on.
Are you trying to expose the fear of intimacy out
of you, flood it out of you? Or is it
something else? I think be wary of going completely in
(33:16):
the opposite direction as you move through this journey, and
instead take six months starting today, maybe starting tomorrow. Let's
say starting tomorrow, so we have some time to prepare.
Take six months to just really focus on building yourself
back up, to regain your confidence, to recognize that you're amazing,
To nourish those secret gardens as we call them, to
(33:37):
reconstruct and reform and remold all of those negative, unhelpful
attitudes you have about love. There is this amazing resource online.
It's called psycho Life. I will leave a link in
the description, but they put it really well. You need
to challenge your negative opinions and attitudes towards yourself before
you can really let people in. Because half the reason
(34:00):
when we resist connection and love is because we feel
undeserving or we are terrified that we don't have what
it takes to be properly seen and loved and cared for.
When you are in a relationship and perhaps you're noticing
the urge to push somebody away, that pattern of conflict,
of emotional bits of self sabotage, over communicate as much
(34:23):
as you possibly can. Sometimes the only way out is through,
and what we fear here may be vulnerability, But we
kind of have to prove it to ourselves that we
can raise our concerns, We can talk about our anxieties
and we will receive the reassurance that we need. It's
not going to be the end of the world to
let someone in. It's actually going to be such a
(34:43):
catharsis such a relief to finally like go of all
those things we keep to ourselves, all of those fears,
and have someone listen and respond. Now, if someone can't
provide you with that reassurance and that just like space
to listen and understand, it's not you, you are in
the wrong relationship, and staying until it falls apart may
(35:05):
only further entrench the core beliefs that are causing you
to run away from love and intimacy. We do see
a fear of intimacy being caused by adult relationships, and honestly,
you can't risk all the work you're doing towards, you know,
deconstructing your fear of intimacy on someone who might be
emotionally unavailable, but not doing what you're doing, which is
(35:29):
healing and moving past that and actually taking the time
to really understand the origin, understand how it manifests, understand
how it is creating unhealthy patterns or behaviors in you.
You know, the chances of that happening, of you actually
being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable
whilst you are healing a fear of intimacy. It's actually
(35:52):
a lot greater than we might expect, because we see
a lot of people explaining that emotionally unavailable people are
more likely to date and be attracted to other emotionally
unavailable people because you know that they will never challenge you.
So if your partner is the one who exemplifies intimacy avoidance,
remember you are an ally in this, but you are
(36:14):
not their therapist. You cannot solve their problem for them.
I actually think pushing them too hard to do the
deep internal work that you might be doing to counteract
their negative beliefs and attitudes towards love may actually have
the reverse effect you intended and cause them to borrow
further into their fear, especially if the root of that
(36:36):
fear is a fear of engulfment. I think instead you
need a practice staying emotionally present for your own sake
and sitting with your own fears and working through them,
and letting your partner do that work for themselves in parallel.
Communicate what you need, ask them what they need. It's
the age old rule of aloha, ask, listen, observe, help,
(36:59):
and ask again. That is all you can do. And
when I say help, what I mean is ask them
what they need you to do? Is it reasonable? Is
it something you can help them with? Can you reassure them?
Can you maybe give them some space if that's what
they need to just process things. But if they're asking you, like, hey,
actually I want to break up for like a couple
(37:19):
of months because like this is just too much. No,
that is not your job. Like, you are not their
sounding board for the techniques that may or may not
work in making them more emotionally unavailable. You are not
their test dummy. You are not their guinea pig. You
are someone who is worthy of love in yourself. In
of itself, you're worthy of love even if that person
(37:42):
isn't able to provide that yet. And I think that
staying in those relationships is actually going to keep you
on a version of yourself that you're ready to outgrow.
You don't you know? It's kind of a hard reality,
is that you can't always bring the person you're with,
or bring the person you want to take with you
on this journey. They might not always be ready or
or prepared or at the level that you are, And
(38:03):
I think that, as hard as it might be, sometimes
you need to walk away. You cannot heal someone who
is not yet at the stage of believing that anything
is wrong. You cannot heal someone who is not committed
to growth the way that you are. And maybe you
would be better breaking your own heart being alone for
(38:23):
a while, so that you can find someone who matches
where you are at and who can give you what
you need, and who can show you how deserving of
love you really are without you needing to beg for it.
Don't stay in those situations just because you don't think
you deserve better, just because someone in your past has
taught you these negative false beliefs about your inner worth.
(38:45):
You really do owe yourself so much more than that.
You really do. You're a wonderful person. You'll you know.
The fact that you're listening to this episode shows me
that you are committed to actually learning more about yourself,
shows me that you are that you are vulnerable with yourself,
that you are self aware. Those are all incredibly positive
attributes that you don't want to waste on someone who
(39:07):
is emotionally unavailable. So some final rapid tips here process.
Don't avoid the shame or pain. Keep a journal of
what you're thinking. Write down those negative false beliefs in
those attitudes, because I think you might be better able
to rationalize them. Take a chance on yourself. You don't
need to hide away or disappear. Take risks, share more,
(39:29):
Invite people in, even when it's hard. Slowly accustom yourself
to what vulnerability might feel like for you. Put yourself
in situations where you are celebrated, not just tolerated, even
if that means leaving friendships that you feel safe in
right now because they aren't as emotionally fulfilling as you deserve.
And write down some affirmations about your openness and receptiveness
(39:50):
to love and keep them somewhere visible as a reminder.
My favorites are pretty simple, but like I'm worthy of love,
Love flows effortlessly into my life. Love is joyful. I
am enough. I am worthy of a love that reflects
my true value. My heart is open to receive love
in all of its forms. I know that when we
(40:11):
talk about affirmations it sounds pretty wishy washy, but there
is really something to be said about creating your reality
through the words that you speak to yourself through the
thoughts and cognitions that you have about yourself. If anything,
it can't hurt. I think that it's incredibly helpful. I
think that it's incredibly powerful to remind yourself without needing
that external validation that you are deserving and that there
(40:34):
is love coming your way that will make you the
most open, honest, vulnerable version of yourself. So I really
hope that this episode has been of some help, that
you've learned a little bit more about where a fear
of intimacy comes from, what it creates, the behaviors that
are associated with it, but also how to heal the
first kind of initial steps to moving forward. You've already there,
(40:57):
Like you've already recognized this. If you've recognized it in
a partner, have some grace, have a level of forgiveness,
but also take care of yourself and realize that it's
not you. It really isn't you. This person has probably
learned a lot of what they are projecting on you
from past relationships, from childhood, and at some point you
(41:18):
might need to, like I said, break your own heart
for the better, for the better for yourself. So thank
you so much for listening as always. If you enjoyed
this episode, please make sure that you are following along
for future episodes. Make sure you leave a five star
review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now.
And if you have someone who needs to hear this episode,
(41:41):
please feel free to share it with them. Maybe they
can take something out of it the way that you
have as well. This episode was actually a suggestion from
quite a few listeners, so if you have a suggestion,
please feel free to message me on Instagram at that
psychology podcast or you can follow me at gemma speG
to see more of what's going on. We will be
back on Friday with another episode MHM
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:27):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here, back for another episode as we dive
into the psychology of our twenties. This episode today, we
are going to get quite vulnerable. If you're a frequent
listener of the show, you will know that I'm always
(00:48):
looking for episode suggestions, things that you guys, my fellow
twenty something year olds, are going through as inspiration for
the podcast. Someone sent in this suggestion, Actually multiple of
you sent in this suggestion, and I read some of
these messages and just thought, how have we never discussed
this before. What we're talking about today is a fear
(01:12):
of intimacy. So many of you have been waiting for
this episode, and there is just a wealth of research content, articles,
theories that go along with it. And I also think
it's something that so many of us in our twenties
struggle with in silence and might not even realize that
we are going through. I think a fear of intimacy
(01:35):
is so valuable to understand because it's also one of
those ideas that has become misconstrued, misunderstood, overused in recent years.
And with that overuse, sometimes we don't always know the
facts and of course the science and the psychology behind
why it occurs, how it presents in our lives, and
(01:55):
also ways to move forward potential solutions. It's one of
those catch twenty two problems in psychology. We want more
people to have a label for what they're experiencing, but
that label still needs to be an informed one, and
we want people to have the correct information about what
they're describing. So that's what we're going to talk about
(02:17):
today because I think so many of us struggle with
the fear of intimacy in our twenties, and I don't
always think we have the right information. A fear of
intimacy during this decade shows up in a lot of different,
often invisible ways. Maybe you have found yourself in like
a constant cycle of situationships, You push people away when
(02:39):
they're trying to get to know you, both friends and
people you're dating. You can never bring yourself to go
on first dates, you start fights when things begin to
feel safe. You may have placed all of these conditions
on yourself for when you'll be allowed to date. You know,
I can't date until I've lost weight, until I fix
something about myself, until I love myself more. All of
(03:01):
these actions and habits is a fear of vulnerability, and
it is secretly keeping us from being vulnerable intimate with
people around us because we are scared that when we
get too close we get hurt, or that perhaps we
aren't worthy of the love we think we deserve, so
we shy away from any opportunity for us to be
(03:24):
proven wrong. I think to be emotionally intimate with someone
is to essentially give ourselves and give other people the
guidebook on how exactly to hurt us. If you have
been left scarred or burned by a past relationship, attachment
problems in childhood, even if you're just feeling particularly insecure.
(03:47):
I think that love can be one of the hardest
things that we can put ourselves through because there is
so much opportunity for disaster, so much opportunity to be hurt,
so much so that we avoid that crucial source that
being love and meaningful connection. It's actually quite devastating. Really,
I think a lot of us know this is going
(04:07):
on behind the scenes. We are not blind to how
this pattern of behavior and fear is active in our lives.
We want to be open, we want a witness to
our lives, we want to be seen. But it also
comes with the realization that allowing ourselves to go through
this might actually do something to hurt us further. Sometimes
(04:30):
that fear is too strong to push past. So my
hope is that this episode is of some help to you,
because I don't think big problems like this are overcome
in a day, But the first step is actually being
able to diagnose and understand the problem and having enough
background information to proceed. So, without further ado, let's get
(04:52):
into it. So, fear of intimacy is known by a
few other names, the most common one being avoidance anxiety,
which is sometimes applied to a lot more than just love.
Avoidance anxiety really gets to the heart of how a
fear of intimacy is sustained. When we have an excessive fear, concern,
(05:13):
worry towards a particular object or subject. The easiest way
to actually regulate that anxious response is to kind of
avoid anything that triggers it. So in that way, avoidance
becomes a coping mechanism, whereby we are so paralyzed by
what would happen if we encountered our fear, that we
act in the most rational way we can, which is
(05:36):
just to avoid that from ever happening. In the case
of a fear of intimacy, the trigger is not an
object though. It's not some fear like snakes or spiders
or planes. It's the feeling or a situation that being
in an intimate social contact with someone else might jeopardize
(05:56):
our sense of security and safety that we have created
for ourselves internally. Now, a fear of intimacy is actually
quite multifaceted. It can be emotional, sexual, even intellectual or spiritual.
So if we fear emotional intimacy, what we're fearing is
sharing our innermost feelings and true emotions with someone and
(06:19):
perhaps scaring them off, maybe because we are not accustomed
to our feelings being important or respected, or we're scared
of what they will be able to do to us
with that information. A fear of sexual intimacy, it's also
known as genophobia, is where we have this very serious
anxiety about sharing that part of ourselves with someone else.
(06:41):
Maybe we are worried about being hurt. We were reflecting
on really hard and traumatic past experiences where we weren't
given the respect that we deserve, and so now we
see any time that we're having sex or any opportunity
to be intimate with someone as possibly creating the same outcome,
and that's an outcome that we want to avoid. We
also have that fear of intellectual intimacy, and that's not
(07:04):
a facet of this that I think a lot of
us typically think of Intellectual intimacy is this exchange of
big ideas and thoughts and core beliefs that is actually
such a vulnerable, squishy, deep down part of ourselves that
very few people, I think ever really get access to
in our lives, and there's a lot that they can
(07:25):
do with that information. We might worry that someone will
be dismissive or use these things against us. We might
worry that they won't agree with us, that'll embarrass us,
that we'll realize that we're actually not as connected as
we thought. The root of all these fears is very subjective.
Whether you have a fear of emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy,
(07:47):
sexual intimacy. It's based primarily on past experiences and a
history with a whole bunch of things that can influence
our approach to being loved and accepting love. When we
have this fear of intimacy, it prevents us from engaging
(08:08):
in behaviors that will create a lifelong or sustaining bond,
unfortunately for us. You know, to be loved is to
be intellectually intimate, is to be emotionally intimate, is to
sometimes be sexually intimate, And sadly, a relationship does have
some core parameters and necessary foundations, and we will have
(08:29):
to kind of get past this fear of sharing those
deep parts of ourselves if we ever want to truly
feel like we should accept or feel like we can
accept love into our lives. We mention some of the
indicators of a fear of intimacy briefly before, but to
dive into it a little bit further, some of the
signs that you might be struggling with this, whether consciously
(08:52):
or not, includes a series of really short relationships that
all end because of insignificant things. They gave you a
small ick, they didn't finish all their food on a date,
they didn't like the same music as you. These icks,
these reasons that you think are valid, may actually be
protecting you from a deep explanation, a deeper explanation which
(09:14):
is that you don't feel ready, You're getting too close
to the edge of tipping out of your comfort zone.
So you are searching for what you see as a
valid reason to end the relationship that has nothing to
do with you and won't require you to actually look
at your contribution to this relationship fizzling out. This may
also be linked to a level of relationship OCD or perfectionism.
(09:39):
Relationship OCD is something that I am really really fascinated about,
because I do think that at times it's been one
of the reasons I've sabotaged relationships. What this form of
OCD means is that we have a lot of obsessive
thoughts about our concerns and doubts when it comes to
a romantic partner that are really difficult to manage, that
(09:59):
feel very much out of our control. We often end
up existing in this state of hypervigilance towards very small
signs that us and our partner are not compatible. We
are looking for reasons that this isn't going to work
before they blindside us. We are looking for reasons to
break up with them before we get hurt. Even in
the early stages of dating, we may hold potential partners
(10:22):
to a really high standard, perhaps even an impossible one,
because we still feel like we're being open. We're still
saying like, yeah, I'm ready for a relationship, but I
just don't want to settle. My standards are so high
that I just don't want anyone who's below that. And
that's what we tell ourselves when actually there really isn't
anyone who could ever meet our expectations. Sometimes our standards
(10:42):
actually are opposed to each other, but it gives us
this opportunity to keep people at bay. Now that's not
to say that you don't deserve to be picky and
you don't deserve the most exceptional, amazing form of love.
But it's interesting when we start to see contradictions in
the things that we want from someone. Those contradictions are
pretty good evidence that the standards we're setting for ourselves
(11:04):
are a lot more protective than they are kind of informative.
They're trying to stop us from something rather than trying
to keep us open to something. This always for me,
resulting in a grass's greener mentality. You're constantly thinking about
how your relationship should be perfect, how if you're missing
(11:25):
one thing it's a failure. You have these fantasies about
a flawless relationship that probably doesn't exist, But by continuing
to invest in the delusion, you keep all these other
possibilities for love at bay. The thing I always think
about when it comes to this is this concept known
as the ninety ten rule. Now, there was a video
(11:46):
about this that went super viral on TikTok recently, and
I think for the best kinds of reasons, because so
many of us fall into the trap of the ninety
ten rule. The premise of this is that you can
be with someone who is like ninety percent everything that
you wanted, everything that you have dreamed of, everything that
your childhood self wanted from love, But there is this
(12:06):
ten percent that just isn't quite right. And those things
aren't deal breakers, right, They're just small things like, oh,
they don't do the dishes exactly when I want them
to do them, or oh, they're not as like it's
spontaneous as I am, and you let that ten percent
dominate over the ninety percent, so that you go out
looking for someone who fulfills the ten percent, but then
(12:27):
they are only ten percent of what you actually want.
You've given up something that is actually incredibly good for
you over small reasons. Sometimes I would say that's the
sign of a fear of intimacy, even if it doesn't
look like it on the surface. Here are some other
things that would tell me that someone is struggling with this.
When you are in a relationship, you may also withhold
(12:49):
information or avoid sharing your feelings because it's going to
make you too vulnerable. You also might test your partner
through through emotional bids. So emotional bids are these attempts
to connect with your partner by gaining their attention in
a way that is actually indirect. I always like to
use the example of starting fights. It's not that you
(13:12):
even have anything to be mad about. It's just that
you are feeling insecure, You're feeling stuck, and you want reassurance.
You want that You want to kind of challenge your
relationship to see if it can push through this argument.
See if it can push through this fight, whether that
person is going to stay by your side once again.
I think all of this has its roots in a
fear of intimacy. Now we need to talk about where
(13:35):
exactly this comes from. There are quite a few experiences
that create this pattern of behavior or this reaction to
intimacy and love. Some of them actually seem to be
in opposition with each other, so it is very subjective
and based on your own mix of experiences. A lot
of these concerns, though, emerge in childhood, but even things
(13:58):
like our teenage relatetionationships past relationships, and a fear of
engulfment in security they also contribute. Before we get into this,
it's also important to understand this concept known as commitment readiness.
So commitment readiness is a fairly new measure in clinical
and research psychology, and it essentially refers to our openness
and receptiveness to a relationship. Every single one of us
(14:21):
has a level of commitment readiness, has this somewhat pre
formed or predetermined judgment of our ability to be in
a relationship. If you have low commitment readiness, it's going
to be difficult for you to for someone to convince
you to take this next step in your love or
in your connection because you just don't feel equipped. Whereas
(14:43):
we have these people who have a high commitment readiness
that means that they are the first ones to jump
into a relationship. They are ready for that commitment, they
are ready for that label. They want to be dating,
they want to be in a relationship. Now, a fear
of intimacy reflects a low level of commitment readiness and
that factor that the measure is impacted by the following.
So the major theory when it comes to a fear
(15:04):
of intimacy is that all of these quote unquote problem
behaviors began in childhood, normally as the result of a neglectful, disorganized,
overbearing parenting style. If as a child, you did not
receive the love, the care, the reassurance, the compassion, the
security that you needed from your primary caregiver, you may
(15:26):
have implicitly learned that close relationships are not something that
you can rely on for your needs. You really only
have yourself, So you push away people who might try
and get close. That's very indicative of an anxious, avoidant
attachment style. This emotional neglect that you have experienced, it
may cause you to unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror
(15:50):
your past experience. So if you grew up in an
environment with emotionally unavailable parents, this may unintentionally cause you
to be drawn too emotionally unavailable partners in the future,
because it's just creating a familiar pattern, and these people
you can also keep at a distance when you know
(16:11):
maybe you are actually the emotionally unavailable one. What you're
doing is seeking out partners who allow you to stay
in what is familiar, what is comfortable, and what you know,
which is that they will never fulfill your needs. They
will never be someone who is going to ask you
how your day was, who's going to push past the
boundaries and the kind of barriers that you've created so
you continue to feel safe when really you're actually avoiding
(16:34):
a deeper level of intimacy that will require you to
give up your past misconceptions of love and be vulnerable.
I think we all have some basic understanding that emotionally
unavailable caregivers are going to create fearful and avoidant patterns
of love and connection, but in the complete opposite direction.
(16:55):
There's also been some emerging research that being raised by
parents who will overprotect, smothering, overbearing also creates a fear
of intimacy because we fear for our independence, and we
fear for our freedom because we have been taught that
close relationships cause us to have to give up parts
of ourselves or feel closely monitored, feel closely observed. So
(17:20):
I came across this theory a couple of years ago
in a PhD paper from someone in Australia, and they
talked about how overprotective parenting is actually really linked to
an insecure attachment style, particularly in young men. Maybe it's
because they resent how closely observed they were they don't
want that to be replicated in their romantic relationships. Or
(17:43):
perhaps it's this retrospective rebellion or protest against what they
found unfair as a child that manifests in them continuing
to push people away who want to get close to
them in adulthood. Whatever that may be, it obviously differs
from person person, but it can lead to what some
researchers call a fear of engulfment, whereby we are afraid
(18:06):
of being controlled, dominated, of losing ourselves to a relationship
and then being unable to find our way back when
the relationship inevitably ends. Because we have that core attitude
that love does not last. I don't think it's any
surprise that if you are an especially hyper independent person,
someone who pushes back against requests for assistance, who prefers
(18:29):
their own company, who believes on a very deep level
that they don't need anyone but themselves, it's obvious that
you are more likely to appear as if you are
actually afraid of intimacy and you're afraid of what a
relationship might cost you. A lot of people who are
hyper dependent. Some therapists call it a trauma response, but
(18:50):
they may not even recognize that this is an issue
because as a society, we express a lot of approval
and respect for traits like independence, especially in highly individualized
Western cultures. Independence is incredibly positive and it can actually
show a great level of security when it comes to
(19:11):
knowing yourself and what you want. But with anything, I
think balance is key, and when you need your need
to be independence outweighs your primal need for connection and
for community and for intimacy. That is when we begin
to see these patterns that mimic a fear of vulnerability
and a fear of love or avoidance anxiety. I used
(19:31):
to actually have a friend like this, and she was
actually she continues to be. I will say that one
of the most wonderful and accomplished people I know. This
woman runs marathons, she has her own business, she was
studying full time. She had a million hobbies. She could bake,
she could make music. She could teach you incredibly complicated
(19:52):
economics without like even batting an eye. She's obviously, I'm
just singing her praises. She was amazing. But she was
so protective of her own dependence that she kind of
rejected anyone who tried to get to know her on
a really intimate level because she was convinced that a
relationship would eat into her freedom and her ability to
make decisions that were best for her. I honestly think
(20:14):
that on some level, there's a lot of respect for that,
and she had a great level of dedication to herself,
and honestly, love shouldn't mean compromising those things. But the
thing is that the right person won't ask you to
what she thought was protecting her keeping romantic love at
Bay was actually something that she ended up really resenting,
(20:36):
and she couldn't quite square. She couldn't quite make sense
of these two very loud forces operating within her that
were very opposed. She wanted to be loved, but she
also wanted to be free, and she couldn't quite figure out.
I think in retrospect how those two things could be equal,
because she had all of these negative beliefs and perceptions
of what love would do to her. And I think
(20:57):
that that hyperindependence, that fear of engulfment, that fear of
losing freedom, is an aspect of a fear of intimacy
that we don't really discuss. Past relationship troma, not just
in childhood, can also contribute. We often really like to
focus on childhood as the only source of our attachment wounds.
But equally, I think a lot of psychologists, a lot
(21:18):
of researchers are beginning to realize that those teenage relationships,
those first relationships, our early experiences with love, when they
turn sour, when they are particularly difficult, when they are traumatic,
they can equally shape how we connect with people. If
your first boyfriend or girlfriend was this like intense whirlwind
(21:38):
of huge feelings and commitment, and then they ended up
cheating on you, or they ended up saying terrible things
about you, severely damaging your self esteem, it is going
to be hard for you to trust or love other people,
even if you had very welcoming, beautiful, loving, emotionally available parents,
because that was still a really formative and core memory
for you when it came to your opinions on intimacy,
(22:01):
especially when we talk about someone injuring your self esteem.
That stuff, the last can last a lifetime. It creates insecurity,
and it creates this need, this survival instinct to protect
ourselves from future hurt from someone else getting too close
to us, coming into our lives, feeling love for them,
(22:24):
and then having them just completely break us down. And
sometimes those experiences also actually convince us that we don't
deserve to be loved, that anyone who loves us we
have deceived them, we have lied to them so successfully,
and one day they're going to wake up and they're
going to see it like that person from our past.
Did they hurt us so badly that anytime someone else
(22:46):
wants to come through that door, wants to show us
what we're missing, show us what we deserve, we see
it as a threat, so we push away. We run away.
We don't want to be confronted by these thoughts, by
this potential for a bad outcome. All of this leads
to a level of emotional unavailability. I think we often
(23:07):
villainize people by calling them emotionally unavailable, which completely overlooks
so many of the aforementioned factors and experiences, a lot
of which happened to us. We're not exactly active in.
We're passive to how other people have treated us, how
other people have taught us to be loved and to
receive love. No one wants to feel unlovable. No one
(23:28):
wants to hold back, but they're doing so in a
lot of cases to protect themselves, and it's often based
in a lot of insecurity, a lot of fear patterns
of avoidance that we can actually recover from if you
haven't worked through these things. So if no one's ever
said this to you, if no one's ever told you
that this is how it was, this is how it is,
(23:49):
this is how it works, you're going to continue to
end up in those relationships that aren't fulfilling, to keep
reverting to the status quo, the easy thing, which is
to be alone. So we're going to discuss some of
the consequences of that after this short break, as well
as deconstructing your fear of intimacy and how to move
(24:09):
past it in just a second. Even though a fear
of intimacy is a largely unconscious process, we can still
observe how it affects our behavior and our experiences. Fear
of intimacy is such a struggle. There is so much
shame involved, questioning why am I like this? And also
(24:33):
a comparison to how everyone else in their twenties is
looking like they're living their best lives. They're finding partners,
they're telling us their love stories, they're getting married, they
seem really happy, whilst we stay in this hypervigilant, anxious
avoidance state, simultaneously wanting a relationship and petrified of what
(24:54):
that might entail, what we could lose, getting hurt again,
the courage to put ourselves out there, and just the
strength that we might not have at this moment. Some
other impacts include a cycle of emotionally shallow relationships that
actually keep reaffirming what we already erroneously believe, which is
(25:15):
that love is not fulfilling, It is going to hurt,
it will end, it is not worth the commitment. We're
actually accidentally creating a self fulfilling prophecy in those moments,
because we are pursuing the kinds of relationships that never
really challenge us, that match what we have come to
expect from love, and so we never give ourselves the
opportunity to know any differently. The foundations of our fear
(25:38):
of intimacy. They remain unchanged, even if it looks like
we are putting ourselves out there, even if we're serial dating.
A lot of people who have spoken to who struggle
with the fear of intimacy, they also talk about a
persistent loneliness underneath it all. They do want more, they
do want those relationships that are nourishing, but they keep
(26:01):
self isolating or self sabotaging without even realizing that they're
doing it. And they feel like they're doing it all wrong,
that they're the ones who make mistakes, that they are
just not worthy of love, they were just meant to
be alone. I want you to be really gentle with
yourself when those thoughts emerge. You are not alone in this,
You are not always growing to be alone in this.
(26:22):
So many people, people that I know, people I have
spoken to, find fulfilling and wonderful and lifelong love out
of a place of a fear of intimacy. Moving past
a place of a fear of intimacy, and it's not
a death sentence. It's just something to be aware of,
an approach with kindness and forgiveness to yourself. So what
(26:43):
can we actually do about addressing our fear of intimacy
both within ourselves and also maybe within the people we're dating. Firstly,
you need to do the deep internal work to firstly
identify the root of this feeling. We've given kind of
a selection of different explanations, but you are the only
one who can understand how far back this spans, where
(27:06):
this has come from, why this has occurred. I think
professional assistance a therapist during this journey is incredible because
they're going to be honest with you. They're going to
prompt some of those larger epiphany moments. They're going to
bring a neutrality to your situation that will be really helpful.
That is going to break yourself Shamespichael, maybe break your
(27:29):
pity party, break your self sabotage. I know though that
therapy at the moment is quite inaccessible. It's expensive, the
weightless are super long. So in the meantime, here are
some questions that you can ask yourself to help get
to that point. Of identifying where this feeling may have
come from. So the first question I want you to
(27:50):
ask yourself is what is the worst thing that could
happen in a relationship? Is it the pain of it ending?
Is it the fear that you will lose yourself, that
you will have to share parts of yourself that are vulnerable?
Why are you so scared of being in love and
being seen? What are you actually worried about? Secondly, do
(28:13):
you actually feel lovable? And if the answer is no,
why is that? Is it because you are nursing a
deeper insecurity That is actually the main issue here, but
it is just manifesting in avoidance. Is it because someone
has taught you in the past that you are unlovable
and you've taken that to be truth. Is it because
your parents created an environment where you felt undeserving of
(28:35):
attention and care and emotional safety. Once again, this is
really revealing. It helps you get to the core of
the problem here, Where did this come from? Throughout this process,
I think it's also valuable to start breaking down and
really examining some of those false beliefs that we all
have when it comes to love. Some of those examples,
(28:56):
some examples of this include you know, love is easily broken.
It's always going to disappear. If my relationship fails, that's
going to prove that I'm unlovable. If I keep my distance,
I'm safe and in control. I'm going to be people.
People are going to be embarrassed of me if they're
dating me. People are going to cringe me. Marriage, relationships
(29:16):
they never work out, they always end. These beliefs all
keep us in a place of fear. And of course,
if you've had past experience with her, if your parents
got divorced, if you've just had someone treat you really badly,
it's not that you've actually, you know, been conscious and
accepting those fears and accepting those false beliefs. They've something
(29:37):
that you've learned unconsciously and implicitly from your environment. But
you need to prove to yourself that they are not
the whole truth. And the way we can do that
is by visualizing ourselves in a relationship where none of
this occurs, When none of this comes true, What would
your ideal relationship look like? How would it feel to
be loved and cherished? And is that desire bigger than
(29:57):
fear for you? Is that something that you really you
really want. What activities would you do with your partner?
What small ways would they show you love and you
show them love and return? How would it feel to say,
you know, in five years like I confronted my fear
and I proved it wrong and now I have this
really good thing. And would you be okay if it
didn't work out? Yeah, you totally would be. You totally
(30:21):
would be. Now. Part of this is also about questioning
whether this relationship is actually possible. Have you seen an
example of this or is there a version of this
person that you would actually want? Would you be willing
to compromise on some of those things that you really
really think are necessary in a relationship. I'm going to
say this again. You're allowed to want big things for yourself,
but don't let that hold you back from a relationship
(30:43):
that might not look perfect straight out the gate, but
takes time to grow. Like I said before, sometimes we
create such impossible standards to actually keep our walls high.
This does not mean that you need to settle by
no means, but actually that you should examine what conditions
for love you are unfairly imposing as a way to
(31:05):
actually protect yourself. This links to my next piece of advice,
in a way, be wary of doing a complete one
point eight when it comes to dating and just artificially
accelerating any form of intimacy or connection you have with
anyone to just get that label. I think that what
we're doing here when we're like, Okay, i have a
(31:27):
fear of intimacy, I'm just going to get into a
relationship and work it all out, what we're doing is
putting ourselves through flooding or exposure therapy. So this time
flooding is actually something that we borrow from phobia treatment,
when people are scared of snakes or flying or dogs
or whatever, clowns, whatever it may be. Some therapists engage
in this technique where they force us to confront our
(31:50):
fears in their most intense and severe form. For example,
if you are scared of enclosed spaces, they make you
sit in and elevate it for hours as a way
to bring on pads and then help you work through it.
This really helps with objects. The thing is is that
love is not an object or a singular situation. It
is so much more nuanced and multi dimensional than that.
(32:13):
But sometimes we try to almost flood ourselves with a
really intense relationship to speed up the recovery process. In
this kind of like DIY healing kind of vibe, like
I'm just gonna take the crash course here, I'm just
gonna put myself on the accelerated path. This actually might
backfire and it will cause you to just reinforce all
(32:33):
the previous ideas that you had about love, that it
ends that it is not good, that it is shallow.
It might sound counterintuitive, but I actually think you need
to take a break from dating for a while to
perhaps interrupt that cycle of emotionally unfulfilling relationships or situations,
or that pattern of bad dates, that pattern of self sabotage.
(32:55):
You know, sometimes it's important to ask yourself, are you
actually just bearing yourself and these temporary feelings in these
white based dating apps to ignore what's really going on.
Are you trying to expose the fear of intimacy out
of you, flood it out of you? Or is it
something else? I think be wary of going completely in
(33:16):
the opposite direction as you move through this journey, and
instead take six months starting today, maybe starting tomorrow. Let's
say starting tomorrow, so we have some time to prepare.
Take six months to just really focus on building yourself
back up, to regain your confidence, to recognize that you're amazing,
To nourish those secret gardens as we call them, to
(33:37):
reconstruct and reform and remold all of those negative, unhelpful
attitudes you have about love. There is this amazing resource online.
It's called psycho Life. I will leave a link in
the description, but they put it really well. You need
to challenge your negative opinions and attitudes towards yourself before
you can really let people in. Because half the reason
(34:00):
when we resist connection and love is because we feel
undeserving or we are terrified that we don't have what
it takes to be properly seen and loved and cared for.
When you are in a relationship and perhaps you're noticing
the urge to push somebody away, that pattern of conflict,
of emotional bits of self sabotage, over communicate as much
(34:23):
as you possibly can. Sometimes the only way out is through,
and what we fear here may be vulnerability, But we
kind of have to prove it to ourselves that we
can raise our concerns, We can talk about our anxieties
and we will receive the reassurance that we need. It's
not going to be the end of the world to
let someone in. It's actually going to be such a
(34:43):
catharsis such a relief to finally like go of all
those things we keep to ourselves, all of those fears,
and have someone listen and respond. Now, if someone can't
provide you with that reassurance and that just like space
to listen and understand, it's not you, you are in
the wrong relationship, and staying until it falls apart may
(35:05):
only further entrench the core beliefs that are causing you
to run away from love and intimacy. We do see
a fear of intimacy being caused by adult relationships, and honestly,
you can't risk all the work you're doing towards, you know,
deconstructing your fear of intimacy on someone who might be
emotionally unavailable, but not doing what you're doing, which is
(35:29):
healing and moving past that and actually taking the time
to really understand the origin, understand how it manifests, understand
how it is creating unhealthy patterns or behaviors in you.
You know, the chances of that happening, of you actually
being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable
whilst you are healing a fear of intimacy. It's actually
(35:52):
a lot greater than we might expect, because we see
a lot of people explaining that emotionally unavailable people are
more likely to date and be attracted to other emotionally
unavailable people because you know that they will never challenge you.
So if your partner is the one who exemplifies intimacy avoidance,
remember you are an ally in this, but you are
(36:14):
not their therapist. You cannot solve their problem for them.
I actually think pushing them too hard to do the
deep internal work that you might be doing to counteract
their negative beliefs and attitudes towards love may actually have
the reverse effect you intended and cause them to borrow
further into their fear, especially if the root of that
(36:36):
fear is a fear of engulfment. I think instead you
need a practice staying emotionally present for your own sake
and sitting with your own fears and working through them,
and letting your partner do that work for themselves in parallel.
Communicate what you need, ask them what they need. It's
the age old rule of aloha, ask, listen, observe, help,
(36:59):
and ask again. That is all you can do. And
when I say help, what I mean is ask them
what they need you to do? Is it reasonable? Is
it something you can help them with? Can you reassure them?
Can you maybe give them some space if that's what
they need to just process things. But if they're asking you, like, hey,
actually I want to break up for like a couple
(37:19):
of months because like this is just too much. No,
that is not your job. Like, you are not their
sounding board for the techniques that may or may not
work in making them more emotionally unavailable. You are not
their test dummy. You are not their guinea pig. You
are someone who is worthy of love in yourself. In
of itself, you're worthy of love even if that person
(37:42):
isn't able to provide that yet. And I think that
staying in those relationships is actually going to keep you
on a version of yourself that you're ready to outgrow.
You don't you know? It's kind of a hard reality,
is that you can't always bring the person you're with,
or bring the person you want to take with you
on this journey. They might not always be ready or
or prepared or at the level that you are, And
(38:03):
I think that, as hard as it might be, sometimes
you need to walk away. You cannot heal someone who
is not yet at the stage of believing that anything
is wrong. You cannot heal someone who is not committed
to growth the way that you are. And maybe you
would be better breaking your own heart being alone for
(38:23):
a while, so that you can find someone who matches
where you are at and who can give you what
you need, and who can show you how deserving of
love you really are without you needing to beg for it.
Don't stay in those situations just because you don't think
you deserve better, just because someone in your past has
taught you these negative false beliefs about your inner worth.
(38:45):
You really do owe yourself so much more than that.
You really do. You're a wonderful person. You'll you know.
The fact that you're listening to this episode shows me
that you are committed to actually learning more about yourself,
shows me that you are that you are vulnerable with yourself,
that you are self aware. Those are all incredibly positive
attributes that you don't want to waste on someone who
(39:07):
is emotionally unavailable. So some final rapid tips here process.
Don't avoid the shame or pain. Keep a journal of
what you're thinking. Write down those negative false beliefs in
those attitudes, because I think you might be better able
to rationalize them. Take a chance on yourself. You don't
need to hide away or disappear. Take risks, share more,
(39:29):
Invite people in, even when it's hard. Slowly accustom yourself
to what vulnerability might feel like for you. Put yourself
in situations where you are celebrated, not just tolerated, even
if that means leaving friendships that you feel safe in
right now because they aren't as emotionally fulfilling as you deserve.
And write down some affirmations about your openness and receptiveness
(39:50):
to love and keep them somewhere visible as a reminder.
My favorites are pretty simple, but like I'm worthy of love,
Love flows effortlessly into my life. Love is joyful. I
am enough. I am worthy of a love that reflects
my true value. My heart is open to receive love
in all of its forms. I know that when we
(40:11):
talk about affirmations it sounds pretty wishy washy, but there
is really something to be said about creating your reality
through the words that you speak to yourself through the
thoughts and cognitions that you have about yourself. If anything,
it can't hurt. I think that it's incredibly helpful. I
think that it's incredibly powerful to remind yourself without needing
that external validation that you are deserving and that there
(40:34):
is love coming your way that will make you the
most open, honest, vulnerable version of yourself. So I really
hope that this episode has been of some help, that
you've learned a little bit more about where a fear
of intimacy comes from, what it creates, the behaviors that
are associated with it, but also how to heal the
first kind of initial steps to moving forward. You've already there,
(40:57):
Like you've already recognized this. If you've recognized it in
a partner, have some grace, have a level of forgiveness,
but also take care of yourself and realize that it's
not you. It really isn't you. This person has probably
learned a lot of what they are projecting on you
from past relationships, from childhood, and at some point you
(41:18):
might need to, like I said, break your own heart
for the better, for the better for yourself. So thank
you so much for listening as always. If you enjoyed
this episode, please make sure that you are following along
for future episodes. Make sure you leave a five star
review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now.
And if you have someone who needs to hear this episode,
(41:41):
please feel free to share it with them. Maybe they
can take something out of it the way that you
have as well. This episode was actually a suggestion from
quite a few listeners, so if you have a suggestion,
please feel free to message me on Instagram at that
psychology podcast or you can follow me at gemma speG
to see more of what's going on. We will be
back on Friday with another episode MHM
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