354. How to break a toxic habit

We all have habits we wish we could change - patterns we repeat even when we know they’re hurting us. So why is it so hard to stop? In this episode, we explore the psychology behind toxic habits. How they form, why they become automatic, and what they’re actually doing for us emotionally.

We explore:

•        How habits become wired through repetition and reward
•        Why some people are more vulnerable to toxic habit loops
•        The role of emotional regulation and self-soothing
•        The four key mistakes that keep us stuck
•        Practical tools to implement positive habits

If you’ve ever thought, ‘I know better… so why don’t I do better?’, this episode is for you. 

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The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the
Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through
the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and
what they mean for our psychology. Before we get into it,

(00:25):
I want to let you guys know that this episode
you're about to listen to is also on YouTube. Yes,
we now do video podcasts over on YouTube, so if
you prefer to watch episodes rather than listen to them,
go and check it out. There will be a link
in the description. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever

(00:47):
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we're
going to talk about the psychology of toks habits, the
little rituals that you know, we swear we're gonna quit,
the behaviors that we hide, that we justify, that we

(01:08):
laugh off, the ones that make us promise ourselves like
tomorrow it's gonna be different. You know, when I turn
twenty seven, I'm gonna quit smoking. When I turn twenty eight,
I'm gonna quit drinking, and then surprisingly it never happens.
And you know, it could be procrastination, it could be smoking,
it could be using your phone way too often, it
could be self sabotaging. We're gonna cover them all. I

(01:30):
think what's so difficult about these toxic habits is that
so often, let's be honest, like, we want to stop,
and we really do want to, you know, create a
good future for ourselves in our twenties, and we simply can't,
not because we don't know any better, not because we
don't care about ourselves, but because our brains are doing

(01:52):
what they've been trained to do, perform a pattern rather
than learn a new one. This isn't a discipline problem.
It's not a will power problem, as people may have
you believe. It is deeply rooted in psychology, in coping,
in how we relate to our emotions. But it can
also be rewired using that same psychology if you understand it.

(02:17):
So today I'm going to give you the ultimate guide
to breaking toxic habits, from why they form, to the
four biggest mistakes we make when we're trying to change,
and what we can do instead, what actually might help
us become better people, become the people we want to be.
Without further ado, let's get into how we can break

(02:40):
a toxic habit cycle. We do this at the beginning
of every episode. I know, but let's firstly pin down
what we mean by a toxic habit cycle. The idea
of toxic habits is a very tidy phrase. It could

(03:00):
probably mean anything from I go to bed too late,
too I can't stop replaying the same relationship pattern. Really,
what we're referring to is a behavior that is repeated regularly,
often automatically, that is reinforced by some kind of reward

(03:20):
that can describe either a positive or negative habit. When
a habit becomes toxic, really, it's just that the outcome
that follows the behavior is deeply harmful to us, or
something that we actually don't want to occur that doesn't
align with who we want to be. A habit also

(03:41):
becomes toxic when it crosses three thresholds. We call them
the three seas see number one. Compulsion. You feel an
urge to do it, often without conscious thought that you
find it incredibly hard to fight back against. The second
se control, You struggle to stop or limit this behavior,

(04:03):
and the final CEE. The third C is consequences. It
costs you in time, health, money, trust in yourself in relationships. Now,
not every habit we dislike is necessarily toxic in that
you know we can't stop it and it's really harming ourselves.

(04:23):
But habit is really toxic when like, the cost outweighs
the comfort, the comfort of something, when it starts to
make your life feel smaller. I think that ability, that
questioning of like could I actually stop? Is when you're
asking yourself that question, that's when you know you probably should,

(04:46):
when you are questioning your control, when you tell yourself
this is the last time, and you genuinely do mean it,
but you can't go more than a few days without,
you know, trying to continue to pursue that new habit.
Something is you know, probably really bothering you, that keeps
bringing you back to this thing you don't want to

(05:06):
do anymore, like a toxic relationship. You know you are
so committed, you genuinely do want to do better, and
then you get stressed, you get lonely, and you get bored,
you have a long day, and suddenly you're right back
in it. This is because in that moment you are
in a territory of what psychologists call the intention behavior gap.

(05:30):
This is the space between what we truly do intend
to do and what we actually do. A lot of
the research suggests that your intentions your desire to change
a behavior only actually predicts around thirty to forty percent
of your actual behaviors, meaning that simply wanting to change,

(05:52):
even if you want it bad enough, isn't always enough.
It's just not. And that's a really hard thing for
people to realize because we like to think that we
would be in control and that our emotional decisions would
affect our rational ones. The thing is, the more emotionally
loaded a habit is, the wider the gap between intention

(06:14):
and behavior actually becomes. Because often that means that this
habit is doing the job of regulating your internal emotions
and internal systems, not just occupying time. It becomes so
psychologically hard to break when there is actually a deep
emotion attached to why you are doing these things. You know,

(06:39):
toxic habits are more emotional than any other kind of habit.
You're not choosing to vape, or choosing to overspend or
chasing bad relationships because it aligns with your values. Because
it aligns with your goals. You're doing it because it
might be the only way you know to regulate internal

(07:00):
states of stress and distress and discomfort and loneliness and heartbreak.
So that's the biggest sign that a toxic habit is
a toxic one. It's deeply emotional. Another sign is the
mental choreography that begins to form around the behavior. You
start justifying it, hiding it, delaying, thinking about it, becoming

(07:23):
preoccupied with it. The amount of thinking about the behavior
grows larger than the behavior itself, so it's a living
in your head. Even when you're not doing it. You're
thinking about your next drink, you're thinking about avoiding spending,
you're thinking about what you should be thinking about so

(07:44):
that you don't smoke, like those kinds of things. Another
subtle indicator is when you're not thinking about doing it
and you are doing it, you're slowly escalating the intensity, frequency,
severity of the behavior to the point where we really

(08:04):
emotional relief becomes harder to find. You have to do more,
take more, experience more of this habit in order to
produce the same calming feeling that it initially developed to
provide for. You know, your brain is doing what brains do,
repeating what has worked to help you survive uncomfortable feelings

(08:26):
and adapting to that comfortable feeling until you need more
to produce it. What's really interesting is that your brain
actually doesn't care whether the reward is healthy or harmful.
It really doesn't care. It only cares that it provides relief.
If something soothes you, then of course it's going to

(08:47):
be repeated if you don't have other mechanisms to help.
This process is supported by a very famous theory, a
very famous process that we know called neuroplasticity. This is
your brain's ability to basically physically rewire itself based on experiences.
Synaptic connections strengthen through repetition through long term potentiation, Meaning

(09:10):
the more you perform a behavior, the more that you
perform a behavior to eliminate distress or to make yourself
feel better, the more your brain begins to structure itself
around that behavior and make those neural connections a more
fortified mental highway. You know, something again that comes up
a lot when we talk about this is like, how

(09:33):
come I want to change so badly and I can't? Like?
Is it just me? Is there something wrong with me.
Do I just not have the mental strength? And I
want to be clear, every single person at some stage
in their life has picked up a less than desirable habit.
It's not unique to you. It doesn't make you weaker

(09:53):
than other people. Some people are just more vulnerable to
developing certain habits and to having them stick, not because
of any moral reasoning, not because they lack discipline, but
because of the way that their brain and their emotions
have developed and evolved. This is a combination of genetics.

(10:15):
It's a combination of genetics upbringing trauma. Some of us
as well, are just more emotionally sensitive than others, me included.
Sometimes our emotions just run a little bit louder, and
so therefore they need something a little bit stronger and
more severe to counterbalance them. We feel stress more intensely.

(10:36):
Loneliness doesn't just feel uncomfortable, it feels unbearable. Boredom doesn't
feel neutral, it feels horrendous. We might refer to this
as high emotional reactivity, and research shows that people who
experience emotions more strongly are more likely to resort two

(10:56):
toxic habits to regulate those feelings. For example, as a
study published in twenty nineteen in the Netherlands that found
that people who displayed higher quartersole reactivity were more likely
to try to get out of a maze using the
same roots that they'd already tried, compared to people with

(11:18):
a lower quartersole reactivity who engaged in flexible goal directed
decision making, who tried new things. Can you see where
I'm getting with this? Your brain, if you have a
high high courtersol levels, if you're particularly prone to stress,
prone to deep emotions, your brain is like, oh my god,

(11:38):
it just keeps trying to use the same exit that
doesn't open and doesn't let you reroute, find new paths,
build new habits. It just keeps going back to the
same places all the time. That's one part of this.
There is then the brain's reward system itself. I think

(11:58):
we tend to think that we all have the same
systems kind of available in our brain. We have the
same amygdala, we have the same frontal lob of the
same brain stem dopamine systems. True, but not true. The function,
even the form of these systems does actually vary person
to person. Some people have differences in how their brains

(12:21):
signal dopamine, particularly when it comes to genes like the
DRD two gene and this DOMT gene if you want
to get really scientific with it, if you want to
look it up. Basically, these genes influence dopamine regulation and
how strongly your brain responds to rewards and quick dopamine,
like the quick dopamine you get from your phone, like

(12:42):
the quick dopamine you get from drugs, from alcohol, from nicotine,
from impulse purchasing, from impulsive emotional decisions to do with
the love. Research shows that certain variants of these genes
are associated with more and stronger rewards seaking behavior and
faster reinforcement learning. So basically, you pick up toxic habits quicker.

(13:06):
Another example, individuals with lower availability of what we call
d two dopamine receptors may experience not just reward more intensely,
but the absence of reward more painfully. So it's harder
to break the habit cycle you get in quicker, it's
so much harder to get out. It sounds very complicated. Basically,

(13:29):
your brain may just code certain behaviors differently and is
more important and more worthy of repeating because of how
your brain receives dopamine it's pretty unfair. Unfortunately, it doesn't
mean you can't change. It just means that you have
to understand those systems a little bit better and how
to navigate the differences in your dopamine systems compared to

(13:53):
somebody else. When you're trying to break a habit, that
is the nature element of it. We can't forget the
nurture element as well. Well. The environment you grew up
in is a huge contributor to the toxic habot cycle.
And what it really comes down to is whether you
were allowed to express emotion or whether you were required

(14:13):
to suppress it. If you grew up in a household
where feelings were ignored, mocked, punished, you went to a
school where or you encountered teachers even who told you
to be quiet, who thought your emotions were disruptive, if
you were bullied and you knew that being out with
the emotion would encourage more intense behavior, if you were

(14:36):
taught to be self reliant and self regulate, you are
going to learn to manage your emotions in the most direct,
quiet way possible, often using things that end up becoming
toxic habits. Basically, what this means, the first thing that
you encountered that allowed you to soothe yourself because you

(14:58):
weren't allowed to soothe yourself outwardly. Is going to be
the thing that your brain keeps coming back to and
keeps falling in love with until it replaces it with
something that's even better at suppressing your feelings. So maybe
you know you were like twelve when you first someone
first like offered you weed or somebody first offered you alcohol,

(15:19):
and it just gets better and better and better, Like
you just keep getting deeper and deeper into the belly
of this beast because that was the first thing that
made you feel okay. What's hard is that these habits
are often built on years of self repression and self silencing,
so they feel more familiar than feeling our feelings. When

(15:40):
a habit becomes tied to your way of coping, to
your identity, to your sense of self, it's harder to
let go of, not because the behavior is even necessarily pleasurable,
but because it feels like a familiar part of who
you are, and your brain will always choose the known
for the unknown, even when the known hurts us. Okay,

(16:06):
now that we kind of understand why these habits form,
why they are so hard to shake. Let's talk about
the mistakes people make when trying to change them and
what you can do instead after this short break. So,
if you want to quit procrastinating, quit getting it sucked

(16:28):
into your phone constantly, quit eating food that doesn't make
you feel good, here are the four common mistakes you're
probably going to come up against initially. Mistake number one.
When most of us try to break a toxic habit,
we tend to approach it with this really great intensity,
which is amazing. We're very motivated. We have this like

(16:50):
this ends now idea. We suddenly decide that tomorrow will
be different. We will be stronger and more disciplined and
more determined than ever before, and that will be it.
We will be done with this, We will be free
of this habit. We genuinely mean it. The thing is, though,
willpower is actually a short term resource, not a long
term fuel source. Willpower isn't designed to carry you long term.

(17:14):
It's designed to be the spark, and it is deeply
impacted by sleep, stress, hormones, mood, hunger. So if you're
relying on sheer effort to overcome a behavior that is
an automatic part of your brain you are literally fighting
your neurology, your neurologically ingrained patterns with a fleeting feeling

(17:41):
of desire to change. And what often happens is that
life happens. You know, you get tired, you have a
bad day, something triggers you emotionally and crucially. You may
have willpower, but what you don't have are other skills
or habits to manage the feeling. And suddenly we find
ourselves right back where we started, repeating the thing we

(18:02):
swore we wouldn't and then we also fall into this
self blame cycle. This is all my fault. I wasn't
strong enough. No, it's because when you created this plan,
you didn't plan with an alternative in mind. You can't
just expect yourself not to scroll if you don't know
what to do instead. If you don't have a book

(18:23):
you're interested in, you don't have a project you're working on,
you don't have a diary to write in. You have
to have a plan be you know, a plan be
habit for smoking, maybe chewing gum, a plan b habit
for always saying yes to plans, maybe putting standing appointments
with yourself in your calendar. You have to have alternatives available.

(18:44):
Another powerful thing we can do to counteract this error
is a just your environment, so that the habit that
you don't want to do becomes harder to perform than
the habit that you do want to do. Your brain
loves the path least resistance, so create some resistance for
the things you don't want to engage in and reduce

(19:06):
resistance for the things you do want to engage in.
If alcohol isn't in your house, you can't reach for it.
If the phone is in the other room, you can't
hit snooze. If you stock your fridge full of bright, yummy,
colorful food, you're less likely to order take out. So
by creating less friction between you and your ability to

(19:26):
carry out more positive habits, these are the behaviors that
are more likely to be done. Our second stumbling point
is that we tend to, you know, not just rely
on willpower, but start too big. We set perfect, dramatic
rules for ourselves, often multiple rules at the same time,
and we go cold turkey all at once. We plan

(19:47):
to do multiple things every single day, and our brain
is overloaded. This is why things like the seventy five
Hard Challenge are so difficult. Mentally, and why the fail
rate is like one estimate I saw, it's over ninety
five percent. There's too many rules to follow all at
once that differ from your norm and differ from your baseline.

(20:09):
I have so many thoughts about the seventy five hard challenge.
We could do an entire episode on it. But psychologists
know if you want long term change rather than an
incremental one off change, we as humans don't respond well
to dramatic shifts. We respond to consistency and baby steps.
When the bar is set at perfection, the first slip

(20:30):
up feels detrimental, So instead of continuing, we abandon the
effort altogether. Not because we're incapable of change, but because
we've made the terms of change impossible to sustain. How
do we counteract that? Make just one small rule for yourself,
one rule at a time. I won't vape until midday.

(20:54):
I can scroll on my phone, but only in this position,
only for one hour. I can drink, just not on weekdays.
I can buy things I want, but only after I
sell something. I already own one rule, one rule that
minimizes to begin with, and take that one rule seriously,

(21:15):
then you can build from that platform. Of self trust,
of proving to yourself that you can do it, and
you can build the house one brick at a time,
rather than starting with the roof, rather than starting with
like a complete overhaul that you don't actually have the
mental resources yet to see through. The third common pitfall
that most people do fall into is they try to

(21:36):
change the behavior. We don't address the emotion that drives it.
You know, we decide to stop doom spending, but we
don't ask, you know what am I avoiding my spending
all this money? We want to stop drinking when we
feel socially anxious, but we don't explore, you know, what
is it about meeting people that feel so uncomfortable? What
am I actually afraid of? If the habit is soothing

(21:58):
something within us, moving the habit without understanding the beast
that it's actually trying to slay is pretty pointless. Your
brain's just going to return to the fastest source of
relief it knows. The alternative is obviously therapy, but also
confronting the fear that the habit is asking you to avoid.

(22:20):
Here are like some initial questions that you can just
sit with right now, to maybe just give yourself a
few answers. What are you afraid might happen if you
don't engage in this behavior? And why does this outcome
scare you so much? What need is this habit trying
to meet? Comfort? Connection, control, maybe distraction? What are some

(22:42):
other ways I can give that to myself? What would
it look like to face that uncomfortable feeling? Would I
survive it? Would I survive it even for just thirty seconds?
This kind of brings us to our final point. We
often can't quit a toxic habit because we tell ourselves

(23:03):
that we're bad for doing it in the first place,
rather than acknowledging why we are trying so hard to escape.
You know, I know people have different ideas on this.
People think tough love works, shame works. You have to
get to your tipping point. You need to like stop
making excuses for yourself. But we know what the evidence

(23:24):
actually says. Having unconditional love for yourself and your mistakes
in this process creates the internal emotional environment to fortify
you from the inside, to give you that sense of
trust and love that you can try time and time again.
You can fail, It's okay, and you understand why this

(23:44):
is happening, so that you can provide alternatives. So those
are the pitfalls. What are some of the other things
that we can do. One of the most effective plans
of attack if you want to change a toxic habit
cycle is identity based. Change. Behavior follows identity, not the
other way around. When you begin to see yourself as

(24:05):
someone who is capable of change, who is learning new things,
who is showing up differently, the behavior begins to align
with that story. If you want to stay within the
confines of I'm just someone who's impulsive, I'm just someone
who's lazy. This is just who I am. And you
don't challenge those core beliefs, you are not going to change.

(24:29):
You need to flip the script and challenge the parts
of your identity that have fallen into these patterns, like
who believe that this is just who they are? So
what I want you to do is write down five
statements about the kind of person you want to be
and the kind of person who would beat this habit
or who wouldn't engage in it, things like I'm someone

(24:51):
who values health, i am someone who is in control.
I'm someone who is naturally a good spender. If you've
read Atomic Habits, which I'm sure a lot of you have.
This will sound familiar to you. Identity based change. Believing
first that you are the kind of person who performs
its behavior before attempting it will help you do it.
But you know the science and the research backs this up.

(25:14):
When a new behavior feels aligned with your identity or
your desired identity, you are more likely to do it.
Another way we can teach our brain and new pathway
is through mental rehearsal. There is so much research on
the overlap of neural circuits that we use when imagining

(25:34):
doing something and actually carrying out that thing. For example,
a twenty eighteen paper from the University of Colorado, Boulder
found that mentally imagining a fear inducing situation helps people
process and unlearn that fear just as much as being
in that situation themselves in person. Having that in person exposure.

(25:59):
You know something crazy that I heard the other day.
I cannot remember where I heard this, but this woman
was talking about how people who exercise a lot, when
they were put into an experimental condition when they were
asked to visualize themselves exercising, visualize themselves lifting heavyweights for

(26:19):
twenty minutes a day when they came back after not
exercising for a number of weeks. They were actually stronger.
Their muscles actually showed a response to these positive thoughts
they'd had about their strength and about their ability. That's
crazy to me, that's wild. So just picturing yourself being

(26:42):
able to beat this habit, picturing yourself denying yourself the
behavior saying no, pausing that rehearsal like that is not
wasted effort because the moment that that que actually arrives
and you actually encounter and you have imagined yourself being

(27:02):
able to avoid it say no to it in the past,
you have a mental script to follow. This is the
thing I feel like we just keep coming back to this.
Micro movements, micro moments, micro changes, just these small acts
of resistance are so powerful. It's also why people talk

(27:25):
about the five minute rule when we want to break
toxic habit cycles. If you can just avoid the toxic
habit for five minutes, you can avoid it for five days,
five years, for the rest of your life. Just avoid
it for five minutes, and when that's done, five more minutes,
five more minutes, even thirty seconds. The research behind this

(27:45):
basically says that five minutes even just a small chunk
of time is enough for your frontal lobe to switch
on or for your conscious decision making to overwhelm outweigh
into your unconscious decision making. We've spoken a lot about
how the reason toxic habits remain is because we've never

(28:07):
actually asked our brain to do something differently or relate
to our emotions differently, and so it's become an automatic response.
Time is the easiest way to counteract something that is
automatic and happening instantaneously. If you can just give yourself
a few seconds a few minutes, the rational executive functioning

(28:31):
part of your brain will switch on and will allow
you to really start questioning from a value point of view.
Do I want to do this? Do I actually want
to do this? Or is there something else I can do?
The final way you can really engage in breaking a
toxic habit is to learn that long term gratification is

(28:53):
so much more enjoyable than immediate gratification. When you truly
wait for something, work for something, want something, the reward
is so much sweeter. When you only drink on a Saturday,
you know, the alcohol suddenly tastes better when you only
buy items that you really care about and that you

(29:14):
know you're gonna wear you treasure them more. When you
delay something for a more fruitful worthwhile exciting outcome, you
become addicted to this idea of hard work and effort
towards something bigger. So what you need to do is
give yourself three rewards in the next three months, a

(29:39):
reward for not doing the behavior for one week, a
reward for not doing the behavior for one month, and
a reward for not doing the behavior for three months
setting And they can't be small, these rewards, by the way,
like they have to be significant, and you have to
ensure that you're going to deliver them to yourself, but

(30:01):
that you're going to wait. Whether it's like an item
of clothing, it's a trip, it's an experience, it's I
don't know, a moment of indulgence, whatever it is. You
have to start to train your brain and show your brain,
show yourself that when you wait for things, they feel better.
By giving yourself just this opportunity, this three month exercise

(30:24):
to prove that to yourself, you will only learn this feeling,
this feeling of long term gratification through experience. It's the
only way that you will know that the feelings are different.
So challenge yourself to do this exercise. Write down the
three rewards are going to give yourself, make sure they're
big enough, and then use all of these other tips
that we've given you to get to those points to

(30:47):
chase that more enriching feeling. I want to remind you
this is going to take time. There will be days
when your old habit wins. And this is well, the
most important part of all relapse is not the end
of the process. People will tell you it's part of it.
You do not unlearn a pathway in one quick motion.

(31:08):
Their entire industries worth billions of dollars supporting, you know,
built on the fact that people cannot break toxic habits
like the ones that you are injuring. The thing is
is that despite that, you will still you will still win.
Like I know it, you will still beat this. You
want to. You want to, and you're putting things into

(31:31):
place to help yourself, and you're taking advice on it.
And there is a part of you who deep down
knows that your life is going to be better because
you are changing this about yourself. You have a deep
investment in your future that only someone who knows they're
going to win. Has you care enough about this and

(31:54):
you're putting in the work, so you're going to be
willing to try and try again and try again and
learn every single time you maybe fail, and know that
you have to sometimes have those failures to build the
future strength to be able to beat this and to
be able to replace this toxic habit with better ones.
If there's one thing you take away from this episode,

(32:17):
it is that you cannot do anything change anything about yourself.
You will never be able to if you do not
change how you relate to yourself, and that is tend
to work. It asks you to look at the parts
of you that have been surviving in the best ways
they know how. It asks you to be honest about

(32:38):
what you avoid, your patterns, your needs, and recognize that
your current habits are nothing more than a band aid.
They are not helping you. And the version of you
that you want to be, who you want to see,
who you care about enough to be wanting to change,

(33:00):
to change right now, really needs you to be understanding
of the place you're in here in this moment, this
starting line position, where you have everything to gain and
everything to lose, and you're doing it anyways, and you
deserve tenderness and you deserve compassion for the habits that

(33:22):
you've built so far to survive. I hope that that
is like the message you really take away from this.
Thank you so much for listening. If you have made
it this far, I appreciate you listening to the full episode.
I'm appreciative that I have kept your attention for this long.
Leave a little message down below, what's the toxic habit

(33:42):
you're trying to break? I bet that there will be
other people who are also in the same boat. I
also want to remind you that this episode was also
on YouTube, so if you prefer watching future episodes rather
than listening to them, you can go and subscribe there.
We are also on Instagram that Psychology Podcast if you
want to keep up to date with what we're doing

(34:04):
behind the scenes with really cool guests that we have
coming up this December, or if you have an episode suggestion,
you can d and me there. Special thanks today to
Libby Colbert for her research contributions to this episode. Big
shout out to Libby. She is just the legend behind
the scenes and we appreciate her. But until next time,

(34:27):
stay safe, be kind, especially today, Be gentle with yourself,
and we will talk very very soon.