August 23, 2022 • 34 mins
What can we do when we feel lost and directionless in our 20’s? It’s a common feeling and one shared by many but when you’re in a rut it can be hard to get our. In this episode we discuss actions we can take to recentre ourselves and our vision or mission in life and make big changes to push us forward.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello, everyone, back for another week
another episode discussing the weird and wonderful things of our
(00:29):
twenties and all that they contain. But this week in particular,
we're going to talk about such a unique feeling for
this decade for many people who are listening, and that's
feeling directionless, feeling really really lost, not really knowing what
you're doing with your life. So I put this kind
(00:49):
of poll on my Instagram asking what you guys wanted
to hear this week, this one by far. So I'm
feeling like a lot of the content we're going to
talk through today, we'll resonate with quite a few people
who are listening. And if that's you, welcome. Welcome to
my kind of mismatched self help guide as to what
(01:10):
you should do when you are feeling directionist, when you
don't really know where you're going in your life. Why
that's completely normal. We are here to reduce shame, reduce stigma.
You don't need to know what's going on and hopefully
in this episode we kind of cover why it's okay
to be at this point and be at a kind
of juncture in your life. I think a lot of
(01:32):
people don't talk about how normal it is to really
not know where you're going to be at a bit
of a stalemate. It's definitely a feeling many people get.
I've discussed this with my friends quite a lot, and
although we're not always at the same point at the
same time, I can promise you I think almost all
of them have at some stage in their twenties felt
(01:55):
really lost as to where you're going and where they're going.
And you might be feeling like, you know, you don't
really know what the next step in your life is,
feeling helpless, emotionally numb, or like you've kind of lost
a bit of energy and a little bit of spark,
and many things can make you feel a bit directionless.
In this decade, you know, we've exited our teenage years,
(02:18):
but we don't yet feel like adults. We're seeing a
lot of huge and sometimes first life changes and life
events like the end of important relationships, missed opportunities. You know,
you might have lost friends or family members, you graduated
UNI or you've moved on to the next stage of
(02:40):
your life, and sometimes that's met with this almost sense
of I think blown out awareness that your life is
not moving in the direction that you imagined. And like
I said, it can be caused by a lot of things,
but I think in this day and age, social comparison
through social media is a huge contribute, and money, money
(03:02):
as well, not feeling like you have enough, not feeling
like you have the amount that would allow you to
experience the things that you want. I think personally, I've
seen this so much recently with everyone you know being overseas,
and I think I created this narrative when I was
younger that my twenties in my life would be defined
by travel and going places and having a lot of
(03:22):
fun and overseas hostels, and that hasn't really been the case,
and it's really easy to feel like I've lost that
sense of direction and ambition for my life. I think
burnout as well. A lot of the times feeling directionless
is really linked to our career. Jobs we don't like,
jobs we don't want, and burnout is a huge part
(03:45):
of that. And as I'll talk about later, a huge
contributor to that sense of stagnation and that sense that
you're not going at the pace or in the direction
that you would like to be. I think it also
is an entirely separate topic that deserves its own episode,
the concept of burnout and that experience as you enter
(04:07):
into the workplace, or you're exhausted by family and friendships,
and sometimes you know you might not be quite sure
why you're feeling lost. It's just this sense in your
body in your mind that you can't shake that things
are kind of aimless. You're just kind of floating from
moment to moment and not really going anywhere. So there
(04:30):
are heaps of reasons why you might be feeling lost
right now, but there are also a lot of ways
that you can kind of find yourself again. I think
the main philosophy I'm going to be adopting in this
episode is not that you need to figure out where
you're going, but you need to kind of figure out
who you are and what your values are, and the
(04:52):
rest kind of falls into place. So why is this
important in our twenties. I feel like that's pretty self evident.
This is the first decade of adulthood, and it's the
first decade in our lives the first time in our
lives where we might be feeling like we have real
(05:13):
responsibility and control over where our life takes us. We
have to choose the jobs that we want. Things don't
just fall into our lap. We don't have the structures
of UNI anymore, the convenience of friends that are attached
to school, or to some of those structures that were
(05:34):
placed around us when we were younger, and as a result,
it's really easy to sit back and feel like the
vision you may have had when you were younger of
where you want it to be, or the current vision
that you have isn't really going along so well. I
kind of also mentioned this, but big life events are
(05:57):
extremely extremely significant when it comes to a sense of
direction lists and the definition of what a big life
event is is really up to you. You know, you
may have been in a string of relationships or in
a relationship that's ended, and you're feeling like, you know,
the I know like love, or the state of your
(06:19):
relationships isn't where you would like it to be. You
might be feeling lost in terms of friendships, or maybe
you're stuck in a place you don't want to be
physically you're in a town or in a city that
you don't love anymore, there's nothing new there, and there's
that sense of I'm stuck, I don't know where I'm
going and what the fuck am I doing? And we're
(06:42):
here to say that's completely normal. Feeling lost in your
life feels a lot like depression. They've done heaps of
studies that a sense of I don't know, exhaustion and
confusion about where you're going is really tied to a
lot of other mental health experiences. And if you do
(07:03):
feel lost, you might feel unmotivated and uninterested in the
things that make you happy, which consequently means you no
longer feel or recognize yourself and it just kind of
spirals from there. So it's really important to look at
this topic from a holistic lens, not just in terms
(07:24):
of organizational psychology and saying or these are the X
y Z steps that you need to do to get
your dream job and get your dream life, because most
of the time, once you get there, there's always something
better on the horizon that you want more now. So
I don't really think that's the healthiest way of going
about it. It's more about cultivating a relationship with yourself,
(07:46):
which means that no matter what life kind of throws
at you, the life transitions that you have to undertake,
even if you do feel lost and you are struggling
with that, from time to time, you can kind of
see the light of the end of the tunnel and
a way forward. It's going to be okay. I think
that's the one thing that I really want to stress.
(08:09):
If you're listening to this, I'm guessing you're in your twenties,
and I would just kind of invite you to think
back on where you were ten years ago. Could you
haven't imagined your life now and think about how young
you felt then. I'm sure in ten years time you're
going to feel exactly the same way about your current
(08:31):
self as you do about your past self. We are
so young, and you have your entire life ahead of you,
and this is a decade for making mistakes, for trying
things out, for not exactly knowing where you're going, but
knowing it's all going to fall into place. I've experienced
this quite a bit, and there was this tumbler post
(08:53):
and I think about it all the time, So maybe
it might resonate with you or make you feel better
and I can't remember the exact ages, but it kind
of gives us example of these famous people like Harrison
Ford and Oprah and Meryl Streep. These people didn't find
their dream careers or their dream lives until much later
in life, and so you have time. There are people
(09:14):
who haven't met yet who will be some of the
deepest loves of your life. There are opportunities that will
appear when you least expect them, and many opportunities you'll
probably get to say no to life. I think just
gives us many forks in the road, and the path
you're on now it won't be the same path in
five years. Sorry, this is a bit of a rambling intro,
(09:37):
but I guess I've been feeling a little bit direction
less at the moment, so this is a bit of
a monolog before we get into the actual psychology and science.
But I looked back, and I was doing this for
this episode. I was looking back at journals from when
I first started UNI, and I just thought that my
life was going to turn out so much different than
(10:01):
it actually has. And all those times that I did
feel lost in the moments of let up to where
I am now, I can see how it was actually
steering me onto the path that now I'm really happy with.
I didn't you get an internship in my last year
of union, and I was super cut by it and
I felt super directionless. But because that didn't happen, I
(10:21):
did get a job I really wanted, and now I
live in the city I never thought I would, And
I've met people so unexpectedly who have made me see
the world differently and restored my confidence and love of life,
and I never would have imagined that for myself, and
all those times I felt so lost and directionless, I
can see now that there were all these things moving
(10:42):
in the background that I couldn't have even fathomed that
were kind of bringing me to a place in life
where I did feel really happy. The only thing that's
really promised in life, and I say this to my
friends all the time, is change. So I promise you
you won't stay stagnant forever, and even if you do,
you can still be happy. But enough of that. For
(11:03):
those of you who who are in a rut, I
get it, I understand. So let's talk about how to
move through those periods of feeling lost and feeling directionless,
and how to push forward, big growth and big change
and restore I think just your confidence that you will
find a sense of direction and a path and a
(11:23):
journey through life that will make you happy, even if
you are, you know, stuck right now. So we're going
to take a little bit of a different path, not
an organizational path, not a path focused on career, but
we really are going to talk about positive psychology, which
(11:45):
is perhaps my favorite domain or area of psychology, and
it's so important when we're talking about feeling directionless. So
positive psychology for those who don't know about this kind
of area of study, it's basically the scientific study of
what makes life most worth living. And it focuses, you know,
(12:05):
not on the brain. Doesn't focus on your behavioral responses
or mental illness or mental unwellnessed. It focuses on individual
and societal well being and how your subjective experience of
life is influenced by your individual traits, your surroundings, the
institutions that make up your life, the relationships, all with
(12:28):
the aim of improving the quality of life. So I
guess it's in the name. Positive psychology is focused really
on how you can curate and build resilience and build
the kind of life that you want, and it tells us,
I guess, you can kind of see a lot about
what to do when you're feeling directionless, and it gives
(12:49):
us advice across all domains and phases of life. So
I'm going to kind of break down some of the
ideas that positive psychology has had about what to do
when you are at a stalemate, when you are in
that stage where things aren't really moving forward, and why
it's not actually about changing things in your life, but
(13:10):
changing how you see yourself. So I read this really
interesting article from this psychologist about what she does when
she's in a rut, and there was a couple of suggestions.
Having confidence in your abilities was one of them, trying
new things, not overthinking, and not focusing on the negative.
So let's kind of break these down and hopefully give
(13:34):
you a bit of an outlook on what you can
work on in yourself to get yourself out of this
sense of a stalemate, in a sense of not really
going where you're going, not really knowing where you're going,
going where you're going, well, going where you're going as well.
I guess. So the first suggestion this person had, which
I found really really interesting, was just having confidence in
your abilities. I think the reason we sometimes feel directionless
(14:00):
is because we don't really know what we offer. I
found this when I was applying for jobs and I
just was like, well, I can't see myself here because
I can't see myself contributing anything. But if you've always
loved something and dreamed of pursuing something as a future career,
or you've got ambition or you've got goals, you're a
(14:21):
lot further along than I would say most people. And
I think what's really stopping us from taking, you know,
what are sometimes necessary grand leaps in life is because
you're allowing insecurity and a lack of confidence in your
abilities to kind of interrupt the steps you need to
take to reach that a higher self and reach the
(14:44):
point where you are content with where you're going and
what's around you. So it's all about identifying what your
strengths are. What do you bring to the table that
others don't, even if it's really really small. Maybe you
are really good at having conversations with other people, or
you're a really good listener, maybe you're creative, or you
(15:04):
have some unique skill that you know not everyone has,
and chances are there will be an avenue to pursue
that in one way or another that can bring you happiness.
It's important to identify what makes you happy, what are
you good at, and how can I leverage that to
kind of push my life forward. That being said, sometimes
(15:25):
it's best to also branch out and try new things,
try a little bit of everything. That's what this person suggested.
So if you have literally no idea of what you
want to do, you are completely okay. That is a
completely okay scenario to be in. This is the advice
this person gave and I absolutely love it. When I
(15:46):
first moved to Sydney, I was feeling really lost. I
wasn't working, I didn't really have many friends here, and
I just tried everything and anything, anything that pushed me
out of my comfort zone. I did random little nick
knack jobs that I found on the internet. I push
myself into new spaces and hobbies that I hadn't thought
(16:07):
to pursue before. And that's exactly what you should do. Restore.
Restoring confidence in your own abilities the things that you
already acknowledge yourself about yourself is one thing, but trying
other things you never know what you're going to be
good at and you'll probably get a confirmation of what
you really want to do and the things that you're
(16:27):
really interested in, and it will hopefully narrow it down
a little bit. Maybe part of trying everything is getting
out there, going in new places, and you realize that
the thing that makes me happy is traveling or is
being able to move around, and take that and don't
forget it. Bring it into the fold of your life plan,
(16:48):
integrate it into what you think your future has installed.
Because you're the best person to be able to recognize
what you really love and what your future dream life
can look like based on the things that you've tried,
the experiences you've had, and what you've learned. Don't overthink it.
It sounds really simple, I know, and I hate giving
advice that is so simplistic, But I think probably the
(17:11):
worst thing that I did when I was feeling like
I was in a rut was just ruminate and obsess
over what I was doing wrong, how stuck I was,
how I was never going to push myself forward, and
those negative beliefs and those negative kind of self cycling
patterns of thoughts will become your reality and the next
(17:33):
time you need to make a big decision or try
something new, or apply for a job that you think
will make you happy. That little voice in the back
of your head that is saying, oh, no, we're stuck,
We're never going to move forward, isn't going to have
full confidence in that decision, and you might end up
not going forward or citing backwards. You shouldn't overthink it.
(17:54):
Let life happen, Let yourself be in the moment, because
big changes are really scary, and so is feeling stuck
and lost. But if it feels right, just do it.
Just overthink it, take that random job. I always think
of my friend Meg, who moves around and just does
the most amazing things because she just jumps at it
(18:14):
and she doesn't look back. I think this goes hand
in hand with the next piece of advice that positive
psychology might give those of us who are feeling a
little bit stuck right now. Don't focus on the negatives.
That is a lot harder for some people versus others,
especially those who are just naturally pessimistic. I think we
(18:35):
often see people who have a negative outlook on life
as having some kind of control over that, but there
are just people who think that way. There are optimists
and they're pessimists in the world, which is totally fine.
We love our differences on this podcast. But if you
are someone who kind of always sees things as not
working out or is really pessimistic about your future or
(18:57):
what might go right for you, and you're focusing on
what might go wrong, it's important that you kind of
don't focus on that internal voice, but focus more on
external reward and pursuing things that validate a different belief
in your mind that things can get better and things
will go right for you. One way that a lot
(19:19):
of psychologists suggest doing this is through scheduling positive reinforcement
around your goals, so that when you are struggling with
where you're going, you don't fall back on thinking that
life sucks and isn't going to give you what you want.
So scheduling positive reinforcement might involve rewarding yourself when you
take actions towards the life that you want, even if
(19:42):
they're small, and making it so that you're not just
dependent on fate and good luck and factors outside your
control to feel positive about your choices. So those are
some of the pieces of advice that positive psychology kind
of gives to us. But there are some other more
meditative practices, I would say, more mindful practices that we
(20:05):
see across a few domains of psychology that I think
are really also important to integrate into this and into
our personal narratives around when we're getting stuck. So if
we've talked about what positive psychology can do for us,
but what about kind of a different vein, I really
(20:27):
want to talk about the role of values in recentering
our lives and giving us direction, because this is something
that I think is a lot more tangible. It's not
around you know, how you feel about yourself and your
thoughts and your experiences, but is direct actions and kind
of a really yeah, an actionable way to restore restore
(20:51):
your faith in yourself that everything is, you know, going
to be okay, You're going to figure it out. I
saw someone explain this really well, and why our sense
of value, our values as well, not just our sense
of value, but our values, our sense of mission and
passion and connection in life is really important in the time,
(21:13):
in these kind of tough times that I'm sure many
of your experience experiencing right now. It's also about separating
yourself from external things you are not just work. You
are not just your career. I say this to myself
all the time when I'm feeling really burnt out or
feeling really stuck in my job. You're not just how
(21:33):
much money you have either, And you're not just your relationships.
You are made up of many, many amazing and individual
components that aren't always externally motivated or externally driven, but
are just as important and really important to rest and
to kind of rely on in times like this. So
(21:56):
this person, I thought this was a really interesting concept.
They describe this idea of a win, and your win
is kind of the thing or the essence of yourself
that will help you get out of a rut, and
you know, center back on what you have to offer,
where you want to go, and what you're doing. So
(22:18):
your win win is kind of interchangeable with your sense
of self is comprised of these five elements, so mission, profession, connection, passion,
and vibration. This sounds really spiritual, but I promise it's
tangible as well and quite scientific. A lot of psychologists
and psychology as a field of study, identify that our
(22:43):
sense of self is not a singular thing. It's made
up of a lot of different aspects, and rarely do
you find someone who's mission, profession, connection, passion, and vibration
all aligned. So they're all equally important and you can't
be nicing one or the other. So let's just break
down what these are and why it's important to really
(23:05):
write down and state exactly what these five elements of
yourself mean to you if you're trying to push yourself
into the next chapter. So your mission is kind of
your overarching objective. It's the why in your question of existence.
And you know this feels really scary, but it's kind
of your guide star. It's going to tell you what
(23:27):
kind of course of action and what course you want
to take to reach that kind of ideal self and
that ideal life that we're all kind of striving towards.
Your mission can be really really simple, and it can
be whatever you want it to be. Maybe your mission
is to become a doctor. Your mission is to travel
as much as you can. Maybe your mission is to
(23:47):
start a family. Maybe your mission is just to have
a lot of friends, to be happy, to live in nature.
Whatever you want it to be, it is the one
thing that you can rest back on and say, even
if everything else goes to shit like this is my goal,
this is where I'm heading. Your profession is kind of
the application of your unique skills in a manner that
(24:10):
you know typically serves the mission, but not always. So
it's kind of the things you'd put on your resume
if you were applying for a job, or it might
be your job. It's the kind of things in your
life that make up your working life and your career.
And yeah, the application of skills is probably the best
way to say it. And it kind of links back
to the having confidence in your own self and having
(24:32):
confidence in your skills. So your profession is the things
that you can identify that make you valuable. Maybe it's writing,
maybe it's speaking, Maybe it is like very distinct you know, characteristics, attributes,
whatever you want to call them, Like your job. Maybe
(24:53):
it's your job title. Maybe it's you know, the volunteer
experience you had. It's the tangible things that you can say, Okay,
this is what I've done, this is what I have,
and this is what is different and important about me.
Often they're applied to your career, as the word profession
kind of says, But if you're someone who that's not
really part of your own goal. They can be as
(25:17):
unique and different as you want them to be, but
they're your skills. Next, you have your passion, and your
passion as you could as you could be kind of
sense might be different from your mission and your profession.
Your passions transcend, They kind of transcend the things that
we feel required to do, and they're the things that
we are excited to do. And you don't always have
(25:39):
to derive some kind of you know, money or worth
or direct kind of impact on your mission from these.
You know, you might just really like knitting or fishing
and that might be your passion. You don't need to
make money off of it. It's not going anywhere. You
can just do it and enjoy it. Like for me
(26:00):
it's rock climbing, it's making this podcast, this podcast, you know,
it's you know, as much as it's important to me,
I have a job outside of this. It's not my mission.
It's just something that I really love doing that makes
me enthusiastic, and it's the application of my profession and
of my skills. So it builds me up in a
way that's different to my career and different to my
(26:20):
long term goals, but it's still important because it makes
me feel good, and it's kind of creates an identity
that's separate from my working life and separate from my
relationships and from other things that feel really immovable. Your
passion is kind of the deeper essence of who you are,
and that brings us to connection. Connection is the relationships
(26:44):
you have with others. These are important to think about
when you're feeling like you're lost or you're feeling like
you're direction lists, because chances are there are people who
are looking at you thinking that you have everything together,
people who love you as well, and that sense of connection,
even in times of feeling really lost, is important to
(27:07):
think back on and to think about and to kind
of bring to the actions that you want to take
to achieve your goals. Even if everything goes wrong, you know,
you might still have that amazing relationship with your best
friend or with your parents. You will always have people
that love you and will support you and who you
can enjoy and spend time around. So the final element
(27:30):
of our win of the things that make up our
self and which are important to really think about and
ponder when you're thinking about the direction of your life,
is your vibration. It's the state of being that extends
way beyond your relationships. It extends beyond your profession, your
passion and your mission. And it's kind of how you
represent yourself to the world, not in terms of your skills,
(27:52):
not in terms of your relationship, but in terms of
your vibration. What are you kind of bringing to the world.
You a happy, bubbly person, Do you have this kind
of warm energy? How would you see yourself through the
eyes of others, and what kind of energy do you
bring into spaces? Vibration to me, it's kind of probably
(28:14):
the most important, although I know I said none of
them are more important than the other, but it is
completely separate from you. It's obviously related, but it's separate
from the other things. No matter what happens in your life,
you get to choose the energy that you bring to
your endeavors and that you bring to your life, and
the passion that you have and the things that you
(28:36):
enjoy and the things that you notice. So your vibration
is kind of that sense of where you're standing in
the world and what you kind of want to put forth.
So this psychologist says that it's really important to focus
on all of them at the same time in times
when you are feeling a little bit lost, because it
(28:56):
allows you to find meaning beyond the things that we
normally feel directionless about, like work, like education, like careers,
and recognize that your sense of self is tied to
you know, many many other things. Who you present, you know,
how you present to the world, the person you are.
It doesn't always have to be about what you're achieving
(29:17):
and where you're going, but about the you know, but
about how you treat others, the connection you have with others,
where you find enjoyment. So the way that I bring
this kind of idea of the wind into steering myself
back onto the course that I want is through this
journaling exercise that I find so fulfilling and as it
(29:39):
also kind of serves as a really good real time
indicator of what's kind of going on in my life,
what I want and what I'm achieving. So there's this
it's this journaling exercise, and it asks you to think
about your life in three months, Picture what your ideal
self in three maybe even six months. What are they doing,
(30:00):
who are they surrounded by, how are they making I
don't know, money, what are their passions and what brings
them happiness. Sit down and plan out the key elements
of what your life looks like. So for me, I
did this a couple of months ago, and I said,
in six months time, I'm going to have you fifty
(30:20):
thousand listens on the podcast, and I'm going to have
amazing friends in this new city. It's almost like a manifestation,
this is what I want. And the next part of
the exercise is more tricky, but if you push it,
you'll find that it's not as difficult as you think.
Think about how you can reach that state. What exactly
are the actions you need to take, even if they're small,
(30:42):
that's going to allow you to realize that ambition for
your life. Really think about it. If you know your job,
if you want you know you're one of your pictures
of your life in six three months, whatever you choose
is I'm going to be working in a job that
I really love. The actions would be, you know, apply
and try different jobs, Try different jobs. Think about and
(31:04):
identify what's important to me in a job. Think about
what makes me happy and what I want to do
and what I drive enjoyment out of. If it's being
around animals, you kind of know that having a job
that you love in six months probably needs to involve
some element of that. If you love being outdoors, you know,
a bad action would probably be to start applying for
(31:26):
office jobs, because it's unlikely that's going to allow you
to reach that goal, that six month goal of having
a job that you like. So if you are feeling
direction list, it's something that I really recommend is just
sitting with your vision and your thoughts of what you
want in the future and writing it down, writing exactly
and as explicit and detailed as possible. What do you want,
(31:51):
even if it's grand, even if it doesn't seem achievable.
Where do you want to be in six months? What
are you doing in that day, you know, six months time,
on a Tuesday or Wednesday? What is your daily life like?
And how can you get there? What are the actions
you need to take? And I promise you things kind
of fall into place. I think also people notice when
(32:15):
you're trying to get yourself out of a rut, and
opportunities will fall into your lap as you work towards them.
I think this is a shorter episode, but that's really
all I wanted to say. That's what I wanted to
talk about. It's more of just my thoughts on this
topic because it's something I've been feeling. I've been feeling
just super burnt out and for the first time I
(32:37):
think in a while, not having a clear vision or
goal of where I want my life to be. But
that's also super freeing because I know that this is
the time when I can try many, many things and
fall back on my relationships and screw up and fuck
up and quit jobs and do whatever I want, and
it's all going to be all right, because this is
the decade for making mistakes and figuring things out. So
(32:59):
if you're feeling directionless, I get it, But I also
would like to remind you that you're not alone. So
many people during this time feel exactly the same way,
and so many people before you have as well, and
always always works out. Thank you for listening to this smaller, shorter,
but hopefully enjoyable episode. As always, if you have enjoyed it,
(33:24):
please leave a review if you feel cool to do
so on either Apple Podcasts or Spotify wherever you're listening
right now. It really helps the podcast grow and reach
new people, and it makes my day to see that
people like this I don't know. I record these in
my bedrooms, I write these scripts on my little laptop,
(33:45):
and it is my passion. It's part of my win.
So getting that kind of feedback that people like it
and that it's resonating with people not only makes me
feel really happy, but let's alone in this kind of weird,
weird time. So thank you again for all of the support,
and I will see you next week when we're talking
about situation ships.
Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello, everyone, back for another week
another episode discussing the weird and wonderful things of our
(00:29):
twenties and all that they contain. But this week in particular,
we're going to talk about such a unique feeling for
this decade for many people who are listening, and that's
feeling directionless, feeling really really lost, not really knowing what
you're doing with your life. So I put this kind
(00:49):
of poll on my Instagram asking what you guys wanted
to hear this week, this one by far. So I'm
feeling like a lot of the content we're going to
talk through today, we'll resonate with quite a few people
who are listening. And if that's you, welcome. Welcome to
my kind of mismatched self help guide as to what
(01:10):
you should do when you are feeling directionist, when you
don't really know where you're going in your life. Why
that's completely normal. We are here to reduce shame, reduce stigma.
You don't need to know what's going on and hopefully
in this episode we kind of cover why it's okay
to be at this point and be at a kind
of juncture in your life. I think a lot of
(01:32):
people don't talk about how normal it is to really
not know where you're going to be at a bit
of a stalemate. It's definitely a feeling many people get.
I've discussed this with my friends quite a lot, and
although we're not always at the same point at the
same time, I can promise you I think almost all
of them have at some stage in their twenties felt
(01:55):
really lost as to where you're going and where they're going.
And you might be feeling like, you know, you don't
really know what the next step in your life is,
feeling helpless, emotionally numb, or like you've kind of lost
a bit of energy and a little bit of spark,
and many things can make you feel a bit directionless.
In this decade, you know, we've exited our teenage years,
(02:18):
but we don't yet feel like adults. We're seeing a
lot of huge and sometimes first life changes and life
events like the end of important relationships, missed opportunities. You know,
you might have lost friends or family members, you graduated
UNI or you've moved on to the next stage of
(02:40):
your life, and sometimes that's met with this almost sense
of I think blown out awareness that your life is
not moving in the direction that you imagined. And like
I said, it can be caused by a lot of things,
but I think in this day and age, social comparison
through social media is a huge contribute, and money, money
(03:02):
as well, not feeling like you have enough, not feeling
like you have the amount that would allow you to
experience the things that you want. I think personally, I've
seen this so much recently with everyone you know being overseas,
and I think I created this narrative when I was
younger that my twenties in my life would be defined
by travel and going places and having a lot of
(03:22):
fun and overseas hostels, and that hasn't really been the case,
and it's really easy to feel like I've lost that
sense of direction and ambition for my life. I think
burnout as well. A lot of the times feeling directionless
is really linked to our career. Jobs we don't like,
jobs we don't want, and burnout is a huge part
(03:45):
of that. And as I'll talk about later, a huge
contributor to that sense of stagnation and that sense that
you're not going at the pace or in the direction
that you would like to be. I think it also
is an entirely separate topic that deserves its own episode,
the concept of burnout and that experience as you enter
(04:07):
into the workplace, or you're exhausted by family and friendships,
and sometimes you know you might not be quite sure
why you're feeling lost. It's just this sense in your
body in your mind that you can't shake that things
are kind of aimless. You're just kind of floating from
moment to moment and not really going anywhere. So there
(04:30):
are heaps of reasons why you might be feeling lost
right now, but there are also a lot of ways
that you can kind of find yourself again. I think
the main philosophy I'm going to be adopting in this
episode is not that you need to figure out where
you're going, but you need to kind of figure out
who you are and what your values are, and the
(04:52):
rest kind of falls into place. So why is this
important in our twenties. I feel like that's pretty self evident.
This is the first decade of adulthood, and it's the
first decade in our lives the first time in our
lives where we might be feeling like we have real
(05:13):
responsibility and control over where our life takes us. We
have to choose the jobs that we want. Things don't
just fall into our lap. We don't have the structures
of UNI anymore, the convenience of friends that are attached
to school, or to some of those structures that were
(05:34):
placed around us when we were younger, and as a result,
it's really easy to sit back and feel like the
vision you may have had when you were younger of
where you want it to be, or the current vision
that you have isn't really going along so well. I
kind of also mentioned this, but big life events are
(05:57):
extremely extremely significant when it comes to a sense of
direction lists and the definition of what a big life
event is is really up to you. You know, you
may have been in a string of relationships or in
a relationship that's ended, and you're feeling like, you know,
the I know like love, or the state of your
(06:19):
relationships isn't where you would like it to be. You
might be feeling lost in terms of friendships, or maybe
you're stuck in a place you don't want to be
physically you're in a town or in a city that
you don't love anymore, there's nothing new there, and there's
that sense of I'm stuck, I don't know where I'm
going and what the fuck am I doing? And we're
(06:42):
here to say that's completely normal. Feeling lost in your
life feels a lot like depression. They've done heaps of
studies that a sense of I don't know, exhaustion and
confusion about where you're going is really tied to a
lot of other mental health experiences. And if you do
(07:03):
feel lost, you might feel unmotivated and uninterested in the
things that make you happy, which consequently means you no
longer feel or recognize yourself and it just kind of
spirals from there. So it's really important to look at
this topic from a holistic lens, not just in terms
(07:24):
of organizational psychology and saying or these are the X
y Z steps that you need to do to get
your dream job and get your dream life, because most
of the time, once you get there, there's always something
better on the horizon that you want more now. So
I don't really think that's the healthiest way of going
about it. It's more about cultivating a relationship with yourself,
(07:46):
which means that no matter what life kind of throws
at you, the life transitions that you have to undertake,
even if you do feel lost and you are struggling
with that, from time to time, you can kind of
see the light of the end of the tunnel and
a way forward. It's going to be okay. I think
that's the one thing that I really want to stress.
(08:09):
If you're listening to this, I'm guessing you're in your twenties,
and I would just kind of invite you to think
back on where you were ten years ago. Could you
haven't imagined your life now and think about how young
you felt then. I'm sure in ten years time you're
going to feel exactly the same way about your current
(08:31):
self as you do about your past self. We are
so young, and you have your entire life ahead of you,
and this is a decade for making mistakes, for trying
things out, for not exactly knowing where you're going, but
knowing it's all going to fall into place. I've experienced
this quite a bit, and there was this tumbler post
(08:53):
and I think about it all the time, So maybe
it might resonate with you or make you feel better
and I can't remember the exact ages, but it kind
of gives us example of these famous people like Harrison
Ford and Oprah and Meryl Streep. These people didn't find
their dream careers or their dream lives until much later
in life, and so you have time. There are people
(09:14):
who haven't met yet who will be some of the
deepest loves of your life. There are opportunities that will
appear when you least expect them, and many opportunities you'll
probably get to say no to life. I think just
gives us many forks in the road, and the path
you're on now it won't be the same path in
five years. Sorry, this is a bit of a rambling intro,
(09:37):
but I guess I've been feeling a little bit direction
less at the moment, so this is a bit of
a monolog before we get into the actual psychology and science.
But I looked back, and I was doing this for
this episode. I was looking back at journals from when
I first started UNI, and I just thought that my
life was going to turn out so much different than
(10:01):
it actually has. And all those times that I did
feel lost in the moments of let up to where
I am now, I can see how it was actually
steering me onto the path that now I'm really happy with.
I didn't you get an internship in my last year
of union, and I was super cut by it and
I felt super directionless. But because that didn't happen, I
(10:21):
did get a job I really wanted, and now I
live in the city I never thought I would, And
I've met people so unexpectedly who have made me see
the world differently and restored my confidence and love of life,
and I never would have imagined that for myself, and
all those times I felt so lost and directionless, I
can see now that there were all these things moving
(10:42):
in the background that I couldn't have even fathomed that
were kind of bringing me to a place in life
where I did feel really happy. The only thing that's
really promised in life, and I say this to my
friends all the time, is change. So I promise you
you won't stay stagnant forever, and even if you do,
you can still be happy. But enough of that. For
(11:03):
those of you who who are in a rut, I
get it, I understand. So let's talk about how to
move through those periods of feeling lost and feeling directionless,
and how to push forward, big growth and big change
and restore I think just your confidence that you will
find a sense of direction and a path and a
(11:23):
journey through life that will make you happy, even if
you are, you know, stuck right now. So we're going
to take a little bit of a different path, not
an organizational path, not a path focused on career, but
we really are going to talk about positive psychology, which
(11:45):
is perhaps my favorite domain or area of psychology, and
it's so important when we're talking about feeling directionless. So
positive psychology for those who don't know about this kind
of area of study, it's basically the scientific study of
what makes life most worth living. And it focuses, you know,
(12:05):
not on the brain. Doesn't focus on your behavioral responses
or mental illness or mental unwellnessed. It focuses on individual
and societal well being and how your subjective experience of
life is influenced by your individual traits, your surroundings, the
institutions that make up your life, the relationships, all with
(12:28):
the aim of improving the quality of life. So I
guess it's in the name. Positive psychology is focused really
on how you can curate and build resilience and build
the kind of life that you want, and it tells us,
I guess, you can kind of see a lot about
what to do when you're feeling directionless, and it gives
(12:49):
us advice across all domains and phases of life. So
I'm going to kind of break down some of the
ideas that positive psychology has had about what to do
when you are at a stalemate, when you are in
that stage where things aren't really moving forward, and why
it's not actually about changing things in your life, but
(13:10):
changing how you see yourself. So I read this really
interesting article from this psychologist about what she does when
she's in a rut, and there was a couple of suggestions.
Having confidence in your abilities was one of them, trying
new things, not overthinking, and not focusing on the negative.
So let's kind of break these down and hopefully give
(13:34):
you a bit of an outlook on what you can
work on in yourself to get yourself out of this
sense of a stalemate, in a sense of not really
going where you're going, not really knowing where you're going,
going where you're going, well, going where you're going as well.
I guess. So the first suggestion this person had, which
I found really really interesting, was just having confidence in
your abilities. I think the reason we sometimes feel directionless
(14:00):
is because we don't really know what we offer. I
found this when I was applying for jobs and I
just was like, well, I can't see myself here because
I can't see myself contributing anything. But if you've always
loved something and dreamed of pursuing something as a future career,
or you've got ambition or you've got goals, you're a
(14:21):
lot further along than I would say most people. And
I think what's really stopping us from taking, you know,
what are sometimes necessary grand leaps in life is because
you're allowing insecurity and a lack of confidence in your
abilities to kind of interrupt the steps you need to
take to reach that a higher self and reach the
(14:44):
point where you are content with where you're going and
what's around you. So it's all about identifying what your
strengths are. What do you bring to the table that
others don't, even if it's really really small. Maybe you
are really good at having conversations with other people, or
you're a really good listener, maybe you're creative, or you
(15:04):
have some unique skill that you know not everyone has,
and chances are there will be an avenue to pursue
that in one way or another that can bring you happiness.
It's important to identify what makes you happy, what are
you good at, and how can I leverage that to
kind of push my life forward. That being said, sometimes
(15:25):
it's best to also branch out and try new things,
try a little bit of everything. That's what this person suggested.
So if you have literally no idea of what you
want to do, you are completely okay. That is a
completely okay scenario to be in. This is the advice
this person gave and I absolutely love it. When I
(15:46):
first moved to Sydney, I was feeling really lost. I
wasn't working, I didn't really have many friends here, and
I just tried everything and anything, anything that pushed me
out of my comfort zone. I did random little nick
knack jobs that I found on the internet. I push
myself into new spaces and hobbies that I hadn't thought
(16:07):
to pursue before. And that's exactly what you should do. Restore.
Restoring confidence in your own abilities the things that you
already acknowledge yourself about yourself is one thing, but trying
other things you never know what you're going to be
good at and you'll probably get a confirmation of what
you really want to do and the things that you're
(16:27):
really interested in, and it will hopefully narrow it down
a little bit. Maybe part of trying everything is getting
out there, going in new places, and you realize that
the thing that makes me happy is traveling or is
being able to move around, and take that and don't
forget it. Bring it into the fold of your life plan,
(16:48):
integrate it into what you think your future has installed.
Because you're the best person to be able to recognize
what you really love and what your future dream life
can look like based on the things that you've tried,
the experiences you've had, and what you've learned. Don't overthink it.
It sounds really simple, I know, and I hate giving
advice that is so simplistic, But I think probably the
(17:11):
worst thing that I did when I was feeling like
I was in a rut was just ruminate and obsess
over what I was doing wrong, how stuck I was,
how I was never going to push myself forward, and
those negative beliefs and those negative kind of self cycling
patterns of thoughts will become your reality and the next
(17:33):
time you need to make a big decision or try
something new, or apply for a job that you think
will make you happy. That little voice in the back
of your head that is saying, oh, no, we're stuck,
We're never going to move forward, isn't going to have
full confidence in that decision, and you might end up
not going forward or citing backwards. You shouldn't overthink it.
(17:54):
Let life happen, Let yourself be in the moment, because
big changes are really scary, and so is feeling stuck
and lost. But if it feels right, just do it.
Just overthink it, take that random job. I always think
of my friend Meg, who moves around and just does
the most amazing things because she just jumps at it
(18:14):
and she doesn't look back. I think this goes hand
in hand with the next piece of advice that positive
psychology might give those of us who are feeling a
little bit stuck right now. Don't focus on the negatives.
That is a lot harder for some people versus others,
especially those who are just naturally pessimistic. I think we
(18:35):
often see people who have a negative outlook on life
as having some kind of control over that, but there
are just people who think that way. There are optimists
and they're pessimists in the world, which is totally fine.
We love our differences on this podcast. But if you
are someone who kind of always sees things as not
working out or is really pessimistic about your future or
(18:57):
what might go right for you, and you're focusing on
what might go wrong, it's important that you kind of
don't focus on that internal voice, but focus more on
external reward and pursuing things that validate a different belief
in your mind that things can get better and things
will go right for you. One way that a lot
(19:19):
of psychologists suggest doing this is through scheduling positive reinforcement
around your goals, so that when you are struggling with
where you're going, you don't fall back on thinking that
life sucks and isn't going to give you what you want.
So scheduling positive reinforcement might involve rewarding yourself when you
take actions towards the life that you want, even if
(19:42):
they're small, and making it so that you're not just
dependent on fate and good luck and factors outside your
control to feel positive about your choices. So those are
some of the pieces of advice that positive psychology kind
of gives to us. But there are some other more
meditative practices, I would say, more mindful practices that we
(20:05):
see across a few domains of psychology that I think
are really also important to integrate into this and into
our personal narratives around when we're getting stuck. So if
we've talked about what positive psychology can do for us,
but what about kind of a different vein, I really
(20:27):
want to talk about the role of values in recentering
our lives and giving us direction, because this is something
that I think is a lot more tangible. It's not
around you know, how you feel about yourself and your
thoughts and your experiences, but is direct actions and kind
of a really yeah, an actionable way to restore restore
(20:51):
your faith in yourself that everything is, you know, going
to be okay, You're going to figure it out. I
saw someone explain this really well, and why our sense
of value, our values as well, not just our sense
of value, but our values, our sense of mission and
passion and connection in life is really important in the time,
(21:13):
in these kind of tough times that I'm sure many
of your experience experiencing right now. It's also about separating
yourself from external things you are not just work. You
are not just your career. I say this to myself
all the time when I'm feeling really burnt out or
feeling really stuck in my job. You're not just how
(21:33):
much money you have either, And you're not just your relationships.
You are made up of many, many amazing and individual
components that aren't always externally motivated or externally driven, but
are just as important and really important to rest and
to kind of rely on in times like this. So
(21:56):
this person, I thought this was a really interesting concept.
They describe this idea of a win, and your win
is kind of the thing or the essence of yourself
that will help you get out of a rut, and
you know, center back on what you have to offer,
where you want to go, and what you're doing. So
(22:18):
your win win is kind of interchangeable with your sense
of self is comprised of these five elements, so mission, profession, connection, passion,
and vibration. This sounds really spiritual, but I promise it's
tangible as well and quite scientific. A lot of psychologists
and psychology as a field of study, identify that our
(22:43):
sense of self is not a singular thing. It's made
up of a lot of different aspects, and rarely do
you find someone who's mission, profession, connection, passion, and vibration
all aligned. So they're all equally important and you can't
be nicing one or the other. So let's just break
down what these are and why it's important to really
(23:05):
write down and state exactly what these five elements of
yourself mean to you if you're trying to push yourself
into the next chapter. So your mission is kind of
your overarching objective. It's the why in your question of existence.
And you know this feels really scary, but it's kind
of your guide star. It's going to tell you what
(23:27):
kind of course of action and what course you want
to take to reach that kind of ideal self and
that ideal life that we're all kind of striving towards.
Your mission can be really really simple, and it can
be whatever you want it to be. Maybe your mission
is to become a doctor. Your mission is to travel
as much as you can. Maybe your mission is to
(23:47):
start a family. Maybe your mission is just to have
a lot of friends, to be happy, to live in nature.
Whatever you want it to be, it is the one
thing that you can rest back on and say, even
if everything else goes to shit like this is my goal,
this is where I'm heading. Your profession is kind of
the application of your unique skills in a manner that
(24:10):
you know typically serves the mission, but not always. So
it's kind of the things you'd put on your resume
if you were applying for a job, or it might
be your job. It's the kind of things in your
life that make up your working life and your career.
And yeah, the application of skills is probably the best
way to say it. And it kind of links back
to the having confidence in your own self and having
(24:32):
confidence in your skills. So your profession is the things
that you can identify that make you valuable. Maybe it's writing,
maybe it's speaking, Maybe it is like very distinct you know, characteristics, attributes,
whatever you want to call them, Like your job. Maybe
(24:53):
it's your job title. Maybe it's you know, the volunteer
experience you had. It's the tangible things that you can say, Okay,
this is what I've done, this is what I have,
and this is what is different and important about me.
Often they're applied to your career, as the word profession
kind of says, But if you're someone who that's not
really part of your own goal. They can be as
(25:17):
unique and different as you want them to be, but
they're your skills. Next, you have your passion, and your
passion as you could as you could be kind of
sense might be different from your mission and your profession.
Your passions transcend, They kind of transcend the things that
we feel required to do, and they're the things that
we are excited to do. And you don't always have
(25:39):
to derive some kind of you know, money or worth
or direct kind of impact on your mission from these.
You know, you might just really like knitting or fishing
and that might be your passion. You don't need to
make money off of it. It's not going anywhere. You
can just do it and enjoy it. Like for me
(26:00):
it's rock climbing, it's making this podcast, this podcast, you know,
it's you know, as much as it's important to me,
I have a job outside of this. It's not my mission.
It's just something that I really love doing that makes
me enthusiastic, and it's the application of my profession and
of my skills. So it builds me up in a
way that's different to my career and different to my
(26:20):
long term goals, but it's still important because it makes
me feel good, and it's kind of creates an identity
that's separate from my working life and separate from my
relationships and from other things that feel really immovable. Your
passion is kind of the deeper essence of who you are,
and that brings us to connection. Connection is the relationships
(26:44):
you have with others. These are important to think about
when you're feeling like you're lost or you're feeling like
you're direction lists, because chances are there are people who
are looking at you thinking that you have everything together,
people who love you as well, and that sense of connection,
even in times of feeling really lost, is important to
(27:07):
think back on and to think about and to kind
of bring to the actions that you want to take
to achieve your goals. Even if everything goes wrong, you know,
you might still have that amazing relationship with your best
friend or with your parents. You will always have people
that love you and will support you and who you
can enjoy and spend time around. So the final element
(27:30):
of our win of the things that make up our
self and which are important to really think about and
ponder when you're thinking about the direction of your life,
is your vibration. It's the state of being that extends
way beyond your relationships. It extends beyond your profession, your
passion and your mission. And it's kind of how you
represent yourself to the world, not in terms of your skills,
(27:52):
not in terms of your relationship, but in terms of
your vibration. What are you kind of bringing to the world.
You a happy, bubbly person, Do you have this kind
of warm energy? How would you see yourself through the
eyes of others, and what kind of energy do you
bring into spaces? Vibration to me, it's kind of probably
(28:14):
the most important, although I know I said none of
them are more important than the other, but it is
completely separate from you. It's obviously related, but it's separate
from the other things. No matter what happens in your life,
you get to choose the energy that you bring to
your endeavors and that you bring to your life, and
the passion that you have and the things that you
(28:36):
enjoy and the things that you notice. So your vibration
is kind of that sense of where you're standing in
the world and what you kind of want to put forth.
So this psychologist says that it's really important to focus
on all of them at the same time in times
when you are feeling a little bit lost, because it
(28:56):
allows you to find meaning beyond the things that we
normally feel directionless about, like work, like education, like careers,
and recognize that your sense of self is tied to
you know, many many other things. Who you present, you know,
how you present to the world, the person you are.
It doesn't always have to be about what you're achieving
(29:17):
and where you're going, but about the you know, but
about how you treat others, the connection you have with others,
where you find enjoyment. So the way that I bring
this kind of idea of the wind into steering myself
back onto the course that I want is through this
journaling exercise that I find so fulfilling and as it
(29:39):
also kind of serves as a really good real time
indicator of what's kind of going on in my life,
what I want and what I'm achieving. So there's this
it's this journaling exercise, and it asks you to think
about your life in three months, Picture what your ideal
self in three maybe even six months. What are they doing,
(30:00):
who are they surrounded by, how are they making I
don't know, money, what are their passions and what brings
them happiness. Sit down and plan out the key elements
of what your life looks like. So for me, I
did this a couple of months ago, and I said,
in six months time, I'm going to have you fifty
(30:20):
thousand listens on the podcast, and I'm going to have
amazing friends in this new city. It's almost like a manifestation,
this is what I want. And the next part of
the exercise is more tricky, but if you push it,
you'll find that it's not as difficult as you think.
Think about how you can reach that state. What exactly
are the actions you need to take, even if they're small,
(30:42):
that's going to allow you to realize that ambition for
your life. Really think about it. If you know your job,
if you want you know you're one of your pictures
of your life in six three months, whatever you choose
is I'm going to be working in a job that
I really love. The actions would be, you know, apply
and try different jobs, Try different jobs. Think about and
(31:04):
identify what's important to me in a job. Think about
what makes me happy and what I want to do
and what I drive enjoyment out of. If it's being
around animals, you kind of know that having a job
that you love in six months probably needs to involve
some element of that. If you love being outdoors, you know,
a bad action would probably be to start applying for
(31:26):
office jobs, because it's unlikely that's going to allow you
to reach that goal, that six month goal of having
a job that you like. So if you are feeling
direction list, it's something that I really recommend is just
sitting with your vision and your thoughts of what you
want in the future and writing it down, writing exactly
and as explicit and detailed as possible. What do you want,
(31:51):
even if it's grand, even if it doesn't seem achievable.
Where do you want to be in six months? What
are you doing in that day, you know, six months time,
on a Tuesday or Wednesday? What is your daily life like?
And how can you get there? What are the actions
you need to take? And I promise you things kind
of fall into place. I think also people notice when
(32:15):
you're trying to get yourself out of a rut, and
opportunities will fall into your lap as you work towards them.
I think this is a shorter episode, but that's really
all I wanted to say. That's what I wanted to
talk about. It's more of just my thoughts on this
topic because it's something I've been feeling. I've been feeling
just super burnt out and for the first time I
(32:37):
think in a while, not having a clear vision or
goal of where I want my life to be. But
that's also super freeing because I know that this is
the time when I can try many, many things and
fall back on my relationships and screw up and fuck
up and quit jobs and do whatever I want, and
it's all going to be all right, because this is
the decade for making mistakes and figuring things out. So
(32:59):
if you're feeling directionless, I get it, But I also
would like to remind you that you're not alone. So
many people during this time feel exactly the same way,
and so many people before you have as well, and
always always works out. Thank you for listening to this smaller, shorter,
but hopefully enjoyable episode. As always, if you have enjoyed it,
(33:24):
please leave a review if you feel cool to do
so on either Apple Podcasts or Spotify wherever you're listening
right now. It really helps the podcast grow and reach
new people, and it makes my day to see that
people like this I don't know. I record these in
my bedrooms, I write these scripts on my little laptop,
(33:45):
and it is my passion. It's part of my win.
So getting that kind of feedback that people like it
and that it's resonating with people not only makes me
feel really happy, but let's alone in this kind of weird,
weird time. So thank you again for all of the support,
and I will see you next week when we're talking
about situation ships.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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