Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to the Human Potential Lab, where I teach you
the latest science of important psychological concepts that are important
to everyday life. I'm doctor Scott Barry Kaufman, a cognitive
scientist and explorer of human potential. I'll get to the
topic at hand in a moment, but first I'd like
to reflect on the fact that this is the tenth
anniversary episode of the Psychology Podcast. It's crazy to even
(00:30):
think about. There's nothing else in my life. I have
done so consistently every single week for the past ten years.
You know. My initial motivation for doing this podcast was
simply to put a microphone on people in my field
and shine a spotlight on their amazing research. I've learned
so much about psychology over the years from these incredible guests,
(00:51):
and I hope you've learned a lot as well. I
truly hope this podcast has brought you a lot of
value over the years. If it has, I'd really appreciate
it if you could leave a positive comment on iTunes.
Every comment means a lot to me. For this special
tenth anniversary episode, I thought we'd do something a little
different and a lot of fun. We'll be doing a
(01:12):
deep scientific dive trying to answer the age old question
do nice guys really finish last? At the core of
this question is the so called nice guy paradox. The
nice guy paradox can be stated like this. On the
one hand, there is a common perception that in terms
of sexual prowess and romantic relationships, nice guys finish last.
(01:37):
On the other hand, although women often portray themselves as
wanting to date kind, sensitive, and emotionally expressive men, when
actually presented with a choice between this quote nice guy
and an unkind, insensitive, emotionally closed, macho man or jerk,
they almost always seem to reject the nice guy in
favor of his more macho competitor. This paradox is everywhere
(02:00):
in popular culture. For instance, here's the depiction of a
reformed nice guy on Asque Men. He says, a wise
man once told me, as a man, you have to
die once in order to live. I never fully appreciated
his advice, nor did I understand it until I experienced
it firsthand. From that time on, I understood the origins
(02:21):
of the jerk verse. Nice guy battle readers may be
asking themselves, what in the world is this guy talking about? Well,
I'm referring to the widely known fact that women habitually
date men that are jerks. While the quote nice guys
are often left twiddling their thumbs in solitaire, does this
sound familiar to anyone? Figurely speaking, In order for a
(02:42):
man to enjoy the company of women and be able
to seduce them, his inner nice guy must die through heartache.
It's at this point that his inner bad boy surfaces
and goes on the prowl. That's from Curtis Smith. And
here is the perspective of a woman in the popular
magazine Mademoiselle. Quote. Not long ago, I watched my friend Laney,
(03:03):
an assistant county prosecutor who spends her days putting criminals
behind bars, try to choose between a sweet guy who
sent her poems and flowers and petted her cats and
a guy who wore sunglasses indoors and found a way
to hit on every woman who came his way. Laney
fell madly in love with the second guy. But the
first guy adores you, I said, I don't even think
(03:24):
the second guy even likes you very much. Sorry, she said,
but the first guy is dull, ouch and honestly at
first blush. The psychological literature kind of does seem to
confirm that there really is a paradox going on here.
Considered one of the most prominent research paradigms for examining
(03:45):
nate preferences. In a seminal nineteen eighty six research paper,
David Buss and Michael Barnes asked ninety two married couples
which factors they considered most desirable in a mate. As
you can see in this table, the most important fact
was whether the partner was kind and considerate. Many studies
since then have reported kindness as one of the top
(04:06):
features reported by participants in their rankings of preferred characteristics
in a meet. Yet research shows over and over again
that those who score high in dark personality characteristics have
many more sexual partners. And heck, the media loves these
kinds of headlines, immediately translating correlations into causation. For instance,
(04:27):
consider this article from The Independent, reporting on a correlation
between being bad and number of sexual partners. The headline
boldly proclaims why women really do love self obsessed psychopaths?
But is this really true? Do most women really love
self obsessed psychopaths? Well, looks like we may finally have
(04:49):
some answers. In recent years, a good bit of scientific
research has been conducted on this topic, both directly and indirectly.
In this episode of the Human Potential Lab, we will
explore this fascinating topic in a number of ways, drawing
on many different literatures. Here's a high level outline of
today's episode. First, I will pinpoint exactly what women mean
(05:12):
when they use terms such as quote bad boy and
quote nice guy. Then I will discuss the psychology of
individuals who are primarily driven by selfish desires and how
they go about obtaining their mating goals. Then we will
look at what women actually want, including what some women
want and what some women want some of the time. Finally,
(05:33):
I will present what I think are the most reasonable
conclusions based on all of the current evidence, and I'll
give my advice and recommendations. I want to acknowledge upfront
that this episode focuses on heterosexual men and heterosexual women.
That's because that's what the research sample has been based on,
and that's the area I personally know most about. However,
(05:54):
I would definitely like to see more research on this
topic among different sexual orientations, and I suspect since we're
all human a lot of this research still applies in
many ways to other sexual orientations. I highly recommend that
you watch this episode on the Psychology Podcast YouTube channel
so that you can see the slides un presenting. All Right,
ladies and gents, roll up your sleeves and men, put
(06:17):
on that leather jacket and jel up your hair, because
it's time to finally get to the bottom of this
age old mystery. All right, let's start with a review
of how bad boys and nice guys are perceived. What
does it even mean to be perceived as a bad
boy or a nice guy. In a study from nineteen
ninety nine, Edward Harold and Robin Millhausen asked one hundred
and seventy four female undergraduates enrolled in a first year
(06:39):
course on couple in Family relations why they think nice
guys are more likely'd have fewer sexual partners. The researchers
found that there were a number of different explanations for
why nice guys are perceived as sexually inexperienced. One reason
some women suggested was that nice guys are simply less
forward with women. One wrote to me, nice guys aren't
as persistent or agressive, and don't use sleazy tactics to
(07:02):
add another notch to their bedposts. Another reason was that
nice guys want serious relationships and value commitment. Some women
wrote that they desired nice guys as friends instead of lovers.
As one woman wrote, nice guys are the ones we
always see as just friends and generally aren't seen as
potential partners. In general, nice guys are overlooked when it
(07:24):
comes to sexual relationships. Out to the nice guy. Some
women in their sample conceptualized nice guys as needy, weak, predictable, boring, inexperienced,
and unattractive. One woman wrote, nice guys often don't provide
the drama and adventure women think they want, Thankfully. Other
women were more flattering in their description of nice guys,
(07:46):
viewing them as having positive traits such as a good personality,
high standards and morals, and politeness. Nice guys were also
considered to be more passive in their interactions with women,
lacking confidence and being unsure of themselves. They were also
thought to be willing to wait for sex because they
cared about their partners and treated them with respect. In general,
(08:07):
nice guys were thought of as less physically attractive. As
one woman put it, nice guys are generally not as
attractive and have a great personality to compensate for the shortcoming. Unfortunately,
looks not personality tend to get a women into bed.
Double ouch. Where are these women coming from? Make sure
I don't ever meet them? But anyway, no wonder nice
(08:28):
guys are so frustrated. I would also beg to differ
with this woman on her foundational assumptions, but more on
that later. Now let's talk about perceptions of bad boys.
In this study, perceptions of bad boys fell into four
different categories. One group of women saw bad boys as rebellious, mysterious, daring, arrogant,
and dangerous. Another group saw bad boys as macho, strong
(08:52):
and confident. A third group viewed bad boys as fun, adventurous, spontaneous,
and outgoing, and a fourth group saw the bad boy
as sexy, charming, good looking, and sexually experienced. Women cited
many different reasons for why bad boys are sexually experienced.
Some women suggested that bad boys use aggressive, dishonest, and
(09:15):
manipulative tactics to obtain sex. Others suggested that bad boys
are more likely to approach and ask women for sex
because of their self confidence and prior successes. With women,
which made them less fearful of rejection. Participants reported that
the sexual success of bad boys led them to be
viewed as more desirable and appealing by women. Bad boys
(09:37):
were also considered to be more physically and sexually attractive,
approaching relationships, more casually, caring more about sex than intimate relationships,
and sexually unfaithful. Look these are colleged aged women in
this study, between the ages of eighteen and twenty five
years at one university writing these responses, so the findings
(09:58):
must be taken with a grain of salt. Women at
different stages of their life and with different life experiences
may have different conceptions of as well as interest in
quote bad boys and quote nice guys. Still, this research
provides a general idea of how these different kinds of
men are perceived. Taking these results at face value, we
(10:18):
can see that nice guys are perceived as good people, friends,
and marriage partners, but not passionate lovers. Bad boys, on
the other hand, are perceived as having more of a
mix of positive and negative qualities. On the one hand,
bad boys are perceived as having some very attractive qualities
such as sexiness, confidence, charm. On the other hand, they
(10:39):
are also seen as exhibiting negative behaviors, such as aggression
and duplicity. Therefore, a number of traits are quote bad
in the sense that they are related to highly selfish,
exploitive mating strategies. Although a certain degree of self deception
and other deception can be adaptive in the mating domain,
particularly during the courtship phase, some individuals take deception and
(11:01):
selfishness to the extreme, almost completely lacking in the emotional
intelligence skills required to respect the feelings of others, let
alone form an intimate, meaningful, and committed relationship, not that
they necessarily want to. Differences in various personality traits may
exist because of the adaptive benefits they conferred on survival
(11:22):
and reproductive outcomes. Throughout the course of human evolution. Those
with low levels of agreeableness and conscientiousness behave in ways
that may increase their short term mating success. A reduction
in both of these traits. Agreeable and conscientiousness is an
integral component of a number of personality disorders that are
receiving considerable research attention. In recent years, psychologists have looked
(11:45):
at the traits and behaviors of these socially undesirable individuals
those with narcissism, macavelianism, and psychopathy. Although they have traditionally
been studied only in clinical settings, researchers have started to
investigate these traits in behreha in the general population. Let's
now zoom in on the dark triad of personality really
(12:07):
get into the head of people who score high in
the dark triad and look at their mating outcomes to
get a better sense of how these dark personality individuals
accomplish their selfish mating goals. As a quick description, narcissism
involves entitled self importance, Macavelianism comprises a sense of strategy
(12:28):
and long term manipulation to get longer term goals, and
psychopathy involves thrill seeking behaviors, impulsivity, lying, boldness, and meanness.
So in this seminal paper from two thousand and nine,
Peter jo Nason and his colleagues looked at the link
between the Dark triad personality traits and short term mating.
(12:50):
As you can see in this table, the number of
sexual partners as well as the motivation to seek a
short term mate we're both significantly correlated with the Dark
triad personality traits. But and I'm going to keep saying
this over and over again today. Correlation doesn't necessarily equal causation.
What is it about dark triad individuals that is so attractive?
(13:11):
If anything, Some of the earliest research on this topic
suggests that it is their physically attractive veneer that is attractive,
not necessarily their unadorned bodies. Consider this study conducted by
Samine Vizier and colleagues. They found that narcissists put a
lot more preparation to their appearance, were fashionable, stylish, and
(13:34):
expensive clothing, appeared cheerful, and were rated as more attractive
at first sight compared with those scoring lower in narcissism.
They also found effects unique to each gender. Female narcissists
applied more makeup, pucked their eyebrows more, and revealed more
cleavage than females scoring lower in narcissism, and male narcissists
(13:55):
tended to ditch their eyeglasses and pump up their muscles
more compared with the less narcissistic males in their sample.
According to the researchers quote, our results show that narcissism
can be judged with some degree of accuracy on the
basis of physical appearance. Alone. Furthermore, the magnitude of this
effect is sizable considering how little information was available to
(14:18):
the observers. These findings suggest that physical appearance reflects narcissist personality,
preoccupation with good looks and desire to be the center
of attention, and serves as a vehicle with which to
promote their status. Multiple studies confirm those findings. In this
paper from twenty twelve, Nicholas Holtzman and Michael Strub make
(14:40):
the case that people with dark personalities more generally not
just narcissism, but also psychopathy and machiavelianism, are really good
at creating a physically attractive veneer, at least at first meeting.
They conclude that quote, dark personalities construct appearances that act
as social wars, possibly for facilitating their cutting social strategies.
(15:03):
Why are narcissists so charming at first sight? Is it
just their physically attractive venear? To go deeper into this issue,
mirkha Back and colleagues in twenty ten tried to capture
the quote charismatic air of narcissism in the laboratory. Over
the course of three studies, they found that narcissism was
indeed correlated with popularity at first sight. Second, and most alarming,
(15:26):
in my view, the aspects of narcissism that were most
maladaptive in the long run, such as exploitativeness and entitlement,
proved to be the most attractive qualities at first meeting. Third,
an examination of observable verbal and nonverbal behaviors, as well
as aspects of physical appearance, revealed four main characteristics that
(15:47):
make up the charismatic air of the narcissist. The four
main characteristics of the charismatic air are attractiveness, interpersonal warmth, competence,
and humor. As the researchers put it, quote, narcissism predicts
all of the four relevant qtamines. Attractiveness from their flashy
(16:08):
and neat attire, interpersonal warmth from their charming glances at strangers,
competence from their self assured behavior, and humor from their
witty verbal expressions. As a result, they thus should enjoy
greater initial popularity than non narcissists end quote. Look. I
(16:33):
think initial is doing a lot of work here, considering
that further studies have shown that the popularity of the
narcissists tends to take a nose dive upon further meetings,
especially within the context of a romantic relationship. So I
think it's a really important caveat to point out here. Okay,
let's go even further in understanding the correlation between dark
traits and number of sexual partners. Dark personalities are also
(16:57):
really good at targeting victims to this study by Sarah
Wheeler and colleagues, which found that people who score higher
on psychopathic traits are better able to judge vulnerability to
victimization after viewing very short clips of targets just walking.
Kind of scary when you think about it. The dark
triade is also correlated with a long list of strategies
(17:20):
for them to reach their selfish goals. This paper by
Peter jo Nason and his colleagues from twenty ten shows
that the aggressive and narcissistic strategies of dark tried individuals
include stealing mates from others and using exploitive and coercive
strategies to retain their meat. As you can see on
this long list, some of the meat retention strategies include vigilance,
(17:44):
monopolizing the mate's time, inducing jealousy, and derogating competitors. Yikes.
So consistent with a lot of these other findings, research
has found that those with Dark Triad traits have a
very specific love style, if that that's what you want
to call it. Peter Jennason and Philip Kevanaugh found in
twenty ten that those who score higher on measures of
(18:06):
the Dark Triad tend to score higher and lutis and
ProGMA love styles, meaning that they have more of a
game playing and cerebral utilitarian what can I get out
of you way of loving, as the researchers put it,
quote loving with the one's head and not one's heart
may be an expression of the limited empathy slash emotional
systems characteristic of these individuals. It's very clear that these
(18:29):
individuals who score high in the Dark Triad really do
view the meeting domain as a competition, as a game,
and in some way they're right. It is a competition.
The main domain is a competition. You are competing against
a lot of other men for the attention of a
woman that you're attracted to. That's true. And people who
(18:49):
do tend to treat it as a game and tend
to really take that competition seriously do tend to do better.
But as we'll keep exploring, throughout the rest of this episode.
Is that really the only way you have to go
about it to reach your mating goals? Spoiler no it's not,
but more on that later. Finally, the trait of impulsivity
is also relevant here. Researchers have found that psychopathy is
(19:11):
associated with quote dysfunctional impulsivity, defined is the tendency to
make quick decisions without much forethought, especially when it leads
to difficulties. Interestingly, narcissism was more strongly related to functional impulsivity,
defined is the tendency to make more quick decisions when
it's beneficial and optimal. As the researchers put it, quote,
it appears that narcissistic impulsivity involves venturesome social engagement, whereas
(19:37):
psychopathic impulsivity stems from poor self regulation. To me, this
suggests that not all members of the dark triad are alike,
and narcissism seems to be the less dark but I
would say still dark member of this trio. Nevertheless, the
higher levels of impulsivity among dark tried individuals undoubtedly contributes
to their mating success. They're just more willing to jump
(19:58):
right into a sexual situation without thinking about the consequences.
On themselves and others. I don't know about you, but
I'm going to need a cold shower after that one.
I'm gonna take my jacket off here these dark, tried individuals. Whoo, Okay,
let's move on. Now that we've examined the traits and
(20:19):
behaviors of socially undesirable individuals, let's take a closer look
at what women actually want. Researchers have attempted to address
this issue by having women in the laboratory make actual
decisions about whom they would date. Then reviewing this literature
will start with the foundational evidence and move through to
the latest research. In one of the earliest sets of
(20:40):
studies conducted on this topic, Edward Sadala and his colleagues
presented their participants with videotaped and ridden scenarios depicting two
men interacting with each other. They varied on whether the
male acted dominant or non dominant. Their idea of non
dominance seemed to be one of submissiveness. For instance, here's
(21:00):
an excerpt of a scenario in which the mail was
depicted as dominant. John is five feet ten inches tall,
one hundred and sixty five pounds. He has been playing
tennis for one year and is currently enrolled in an
intermediate tennis class. Despite his limited amount of training, he
is a very coordinated tennis player who has won sixty
percent of his matches. His serve is very strong and
(21:23):
his returns are extremely powerful. In addition to his physical abilities,
he has the mental qualities that lead to success in tennis.
He's extremely competitive, refusing to yield against opponents who have
been playing much longer. All his movements tend to communicate
dominance and authority. He tends to psychologically dominate his opponents,
(21:43):
forcing them off their games and into mental mistakes. In contrast,
here's an excerpt of a scenario in which the same
tennis player is instead depicted as non dominant. Note that
the first three lines that I read before were kept
the same across conditions. His serve and his returns are
consistent and well placed. Although he plays well, he prefers
(22:05):
to play for fun rather than to win. He is
not particularly competitive and tends to yield to opponents who
have been playing tennis much longer. He is easily thrown
off his game by opponents who play with great authority.
Strong opponents are able to psychologically dominate him, sometimes forcing
him off his game. He enjoys the game of tennis,
but avoids highly competitive situations. Across four studies, the researchers
(22:35):
found that the dominant scenarios were considered more sexually attractive,
although dominant John was regarded as less likable and not
desired as a spouse. Taken at face value, this study
seems to support the sexual attractiveness of the dominant alpha
male over the submissive beta male. The researchers concluded quote
(22:56):
the results of all four experiments supported the prediction that
sudance behavior would selectively increase the sexual attractiveness of males.
Another study conducted at the University of London seems to
confirm these findings. The researchers had eighty one women watch
a one minute silent video of a male in three
dominance conditions. Low dominance was closed body posture, medium dominance
(23:20):
was open body posture, and high dominance was open body
posture with gesticulation, and they had women rate the males
for sexual attractiveness. Results showed that higher dominance behavior significantly
increased the attractiveness of the man. It's interesting to note
(23:42):
how even in this highly controlled experimental setting, slight changes
to the posture such as sitting position of a male
significantly increased his levels of attractiveness. According to the researchers,
this indicates that women may use simple nonverbal signals of
dominance as criteria for male attractiveness. I think this is also,
(24:03):
in general a lesson to males that just even slight
tweaks to your behavior can change attractiveness as well. The
researchers concluded, Thus, our results contribute to extant literature on
the quote nice guy's finished last phenomenon by showing that
dominant body postures do result in higher ratings of sexual attractiveness.
(24:25):
Of course, this is not to argue that other variables
such as pro social orientation do not mediate these results. Rather,
when operationalized independently, dominant nonverbal behavior appears to increase women's
ratings of men's attractiveness. Okay, fair enough. At least they
hint that there may be some additional nuance here, And
(24:47):
it turns out there is additional nuance here. Enter a
study by Jerry Berger and Mika Cosby in nineteen ninety
nine called do Women Prefer Dominant Men? The case of
the missing control condition? The researchers had one hundred and
eighteen female undergraduates read the same exact descriptions of John
the tennis player. Remember John the tennis player from that
(25:08):
prior study couple slides ago, But they added a crucial
control condition in which some participants only read the first
three sentences of the description. If you recall, these were
the first three sentences that were consistent across all the conditions.
John is five feet ten inches tall, one hundred and
sixty five pounds. He has been playing tennis for one
(25:30):
year and is currently enrolled in an intermediate tennis class.
Despite his limited amount of training, he is a very
coordinated tennis player who has won sixty percent of his matches. So,
consistent with the prior study that I mentioned, women found
dominant John more sexually appealing than submissive John that was replicated. However,
(25:50):
the John depicted in the control condition had the highest
ratings of sexiness of them all. The researchers then asked
women to indicate which of the adjectives used to describe
John were ideal for a date as well as for
a long term romantic partner. They found that only one
woman out of the fifty undergraduates in their sample actually
identified dominant as one of the traits she sought in
(26:12):
either an ideal date or a romantic partner. For the
rest of the dominant adjectives, the two big winners were
confident seventy two percent sought this trait for an ideal date,
seventy four percent sought this strait for an ideal romantic partner,
and assertive forty eight percent sought this trait for an
ideal date. Thirty six percent sought this straight for an
ideal romantic partner. Not one woman wanted a demanding male,
(26:37):
and only twelve percent wanted an aggressive person for a
date and romantic partner. In terms of the non dominant adjectives,
the big winners were easy going sixty eight percent sought
this trait for an ideal date, sixty four percent sought
the straight for an ideal romantic partner, and sensitive seventy
six percent sought this trait for an ideal date an
(26:57):
ideal romantic partner. Not one women wanted a submissive male
for either a date or romance. Other low ranked non
dominant adjectives were shy two percent for dating, zero percent
for romantic and quiet four percent for ideal two percent
for romantic. I think that this study was revealing in
(27:17):
a number of ways. For one, it suggests that women
may find dominance sexually attractive within the context of a
competition where your man is competing against others, but they
want the man to be sweet and sensitive to them.
So that's one I think nuance of these findings. Another
(27:39):
is that dominance seems to take many different forms. The
dominant male who is demanding, violent, and self centered is
not considered attractive to most women, whereas the dominant male
who is assertive and confident is considered attractive. As the
researcher suggests, men who dominate others because of leadership qualities
(27:59):
and other superior abilities, and who therefore are able and
willing to provide for their families quite possibly will be
preferred to potential partners who lack these attributes. Their research
also suggests that sensitivity and assertiveness are not necessarily opposites,
and I think that's a really, really insightful finding. In fact,
(28:24):
further research suggests that the combination of kindness and assertiveness
might just be the most attractive pairing across three studies.
Laurie Jensen, Campbell, and colleagues found that it wasn't dominance alone,
but rather the interaction of dominance and pro social behaviors
that women reported were particularly sexually attractive. In other words,
(28:47):
dominance only increased sexual attraction when the person was already
high in agreeableness and altruism. I reviewed a lot of
this literature in my twenty fourteen article is Kindness Physically Attractive?
What I think is really interesting about this literature, and
as some research has shown, is that the personality of
(29:09):
an individual can actually affect perceptions of their physical attractiveness.
Considered this very interesting paper from twenty fourteen by Yan
Zhong and colleagues, which found support for the notion that
what is good is beautiful, finding that participants received higher
attractiveness ratings when presented with positive personality information such as
(29:31):
decent and honest. According to the researchers, the results suggest
quote that the personality of an individual may affect his
or her facial attractiveness evaluation. Look, I can resonate with this.
Sometimes I'm incredibly attracted to a woman I see somewhere,
and then I approach them, and after a two minute conversation,
(29:53):
I just don't find the physical attractive anymore. I think
all of us can kind of relate to this experience, right, Okay?
Moving on, A seminal study in two thousand and three
sheds further light on the interaction between physical attractiveness and personality.
I really like this paper. It's a really clever study
by Jeffrey Urbaniak and Peter Killman called physical attractiveness and
(30:16):
the quote nice guy paradox Do nice guys really finish? Last?
The researchers conducted two studies on college women in which
they had women choose between men of various levels of niceness.
Women were given a script in which a woman named
Susan is participating in a game show that resembled aspects
of the pop or TV show The Dating Game. Susan
(30:37):
is presented with the opportunity to date a number of
different contestants and must choose between them in condition one,
the nice Todd condition. Todd gave responses that would be
associated with a nice guy, such as, quote someone who
is in touch with his feelings and those of his partner,
who is kind and attentive and doesn't go for all
the macho stuff, also great in the bedroom, and puts
(31:01):
his partner's pleasure first. In condition two, the middle Todd condition,
Todd gave more neutral responses, such as, a real man
knows what he wants and he knows how to get it.
He plays hard and works hard and is great in
the bedroom. In condition three, the jerk Todd condition, Todd
was portrayed as a somewhat insensitive, self absorbed, macho jerk,
(31:25):
saying things like a real man knows what he wants
and he knows how to get it. Someone who knows
who he is, but keeps other people guessing and on
their toes. He doesn't go in all for that touchy
feely stuff. He's also great in the bedroom and can
tell his partner what he likes. Note that they kept
that last part consistent across all the three conditions, so
all three were described as being good in bed. The
(31:48):
only thing that varied was their niceness. I think that
was a really really clever experimental paradigm if you ask me. So.
What did they find? The researchers found that the nicer
Todd was portrayed, the more or frequently he was chosen,
and the more desirable he was rated as a potential
marriage partner. A steady boyfriend and a platonic friend. He
(32:09):
was also seen as generally more intelligent and sincere. When
Todd was portrayed as more physically attractive, he was chosen more,
but physical attractiveness didn't overwhelm the niceness factor. That's super interesting.
Where Todd was rated as more physically attractive yet less nice,
it was the relative niceness that triumphed over the physical attractiveness.
(32:33):
That's right. When it came to a dating or romantic partner,
the majority of women rejected the insensitive man, even when
he was more physically attractive than his counterpart. However, when
it came to purely sexual relationships, a different pattern emerged.
Uh oh. In these cases, niceness was less influential than
(32:53):
physical attractiveness. As the researcher's note quote. It may be
that the nice guy stereotyped is more accurate in relation
to relatively casual physical relationships than to more serious relationships. Still,
the overall results of these studies suggest that although niceness
may be less essential in these relationships, it still should
(33:14):
not be a major hindrance as would be suggested by
the nice guy stereotype. Now at this point in the discussion,
I think it would be beneficial to bring in the
distinction between dominance and prestige. One striking similarity across all
the studies we've explored here is the sample college students.
Most college students have not had the years of expertise
(33:37):
that enable them to achieve success in a domain. This
is important to keep in mind because the attainment of
social status and the mating benefits that come along with
it can be accomplished through compassion and cooperation just as much,
if not more so, than through aggression and intimidation. Just
looking at the social structure of grade school, it's easy
(33:58):
to assume that dominance is the only roots of social status.
It would seem as though dark triad bullies who use intimidation, coercion,
and fear inducing tactics are the only ones who rise
in the status hierarchy. Unlike other species, however, humans have
many alternative roots to high social status that don't rely
(34:19):
on dominance. Beyond school, on the stage of life, knowledge
has societal impact, and those with high prestige tend to
be recognized for their skills, success, and knowledge. Many scholars
across ethnography, ethology, sociology, and socio linguistics believe that two
main roots to social status, dominance of prestige arose in
(34:43):
evolutionary history at different times and for different purposes. In
the field of psychology, self reported measures of dominance and
prestige are being distinguished at both the behavioral level and
the hormonal level. As I noted in my article The
Myth of the Alpha Male, published in twenty fourteen on
the Art of Manliness website, alpha men are not always
(35:03):
the most physically dominant and aggressive. Interestingly, while advocates for
acting dominant often point to chimps as proof of the
exclusivity of this route to male status, recent research has
shown that even among primates, alpha male status can be
achieved not only through size and strength, but through adept
sociability and the grooming of others as well. Of course,
(35:27):
the usefulness of empulling a dominance or a prestige strategy
depends on an individual's own set of mental and physical dispositions,
as well as the particular situation. Individuals who possess the
physical ability to intimidate others or enforced threats, and who
live in cultures or environments such as prison that promote
the use of coercive techniques may be more oriented toward dominance.
(35:51):
Those who have the mental skills to acquire culturally valued
information and skills and find themselves in social situations that
don't force hot dominant hierarchies may be more oriented toward prestige.
This seminal study from twenty thirteen by Joey Chang Jessica
Tracian colleagues clearly distinguished between these two different paths to
social status. They found that the dominance route is paved
(36:15):
with intimidation, threats, and coercion, and is pueled particularly by
a form of pride called hubristic pride. Hebristic pride is
associated with arrogance, conceit anti social behaviors, unstable relationships, well
levels of conscientiousness, and high levels of disagreeableness, neuroticism, narcissism,
(36:36):
and poor mental health outcomes. Hebristic pride, along with its
associated feelings of superiority and arrogance, facilitates dominance by motivating
behaviors such as aggression, hostility, and manipulation. In contrast, prestige
is paved with the emotional rush of accomplishment, confidence and success,
(36:58):
and is fueled by dentic pride. Authentic pride is associated
with pro social and achievement oriented behaviors. Authentic pride is
associated with pro social and achievement oriented behaviors, agreeableness, conscientiousness,
satisfying interpersonal relationships, and positive mental health. Critically, authentic pride
(37:19):
is associated with genuine self esteem, considering yourself a person
of value, not considering yourself superior to others. Authentic pride,
along with its associated feelings of confidence and accomplishment, facilitate
behaviors that are associated with attaining prestige. People who are confident, agreeable,
hard working, energetic, kind, empathic, non dogmatic, and high and
(37:42):
genuine self esteem inspire others and cause others to want
to emulate them. As you can clearly see in this table,
while both dominance and prestige were correlated with perceived influence
and agency, only prestige was correlated with increased likability. It
looks like you don't lose anything with prestige, but only
(38:05):
gain in likability. It's time to review all of this
research and come to a general summary of what most
women want. What a woman want. Taken together, it seems
like the ideal man for a date or romantic partner
is assertive, confident, physically attractive to them, whatever that means
(38:26):
to them, socially exciting, easygoing as in not controlling, sensitive, kind,
and prestigious while not being aggressive, demanding, dominant, shy, or
a pushover. I think that's a reasonable summary of the research.
(38:49):
Now that may differ from the ideal man for a
short term fling. The research suggests that for a short
term affair, women may prefer physical attract in this trait
over and prioritize that over other traits. But we'll have
a lot more in a second to talk about the
distinction between long term and short term meeting preferences. Still,
(39:10):
we have some lingering questions about the quote nice guy,
and I put nice guy in quotes because I think
that's really important to distinguish the quote nice guy from
the genuinely, genuinely nice guy. One lingering question we still
have is whether the quote nice guy is too nice.
As my friend the advice goddess Amy al Khon puts it, quote,
(39:31):
Let's get something straight, the poor opposite of a bad
boy is not a nice guy, but an overly nice guy.
The difference is in the desperation nice guys call when
they say they will overly nice guys call every twenty
minutes to thank you for just being you. Kristin, my
name is Christine. Their prey corrects, going out with an
(39:54):
overly nice guy is like being beaten to death with
a Hallmark card. That's from Amy Alcon. And here's an
article by Sandy Mecky in Women's Republic called nice Guys
and why you should avoid them at all costs. As
Sandy puts it, quote niceness is being able to handle
social situations with no conflict. It means treating people with
(40:17):
polite manners. Nice means the ability to be inoffensive. Also
from this article, she makes clear that nice guy in
quotes is referring to a very specific group of guys.
In her words, quote the group of guys we are
talking about is the quote I am nice until I
get what I want. Type of nice. Quote I will
(40:38):
do anything and go out of my way to get
what I want type of nice or being nice in
fear of getting caught up in any conflicts and or
rejection end quote. Sandy and Amy Alcon might both be
onto something. Psychological research suggests that not just in the
mating domain, but even in an organizational context, it really
(41:00):
is possible to be too nice, and that the quote
right touch is important. As you can see in this figure,
there appears to be a curve linear relation between assertiveness
and effectiveness. Too little interpersonal assertiveness and the rated effectiveness
as a colleague or leader is low and too much
(41:25):
and its rate is low. But there does seem to
be a right touch of assertiveness for effectiveness in an
organizational context, and the same seems to apply in the
maining domain as well. Another issue is whether the quote
nice guy is really just a euphemism for boring guy.
Let's revisit this classic study by Bust and Barnes that
(41:48):
I talked about early on in this episode. Yes, the
number one most reported marital preference was kind considerate. However,
right behind it, number two too was socially exciting. I
think that's actually really interesting. So perhaps kind considerness without
(42:08):
anything else is just by itself not sexually attractive or
even attractive as a meat. We all are human, you know,
and we all like excitement, a little bit of excitement.
I think related to these other questions is the question
are nice guys too available? Look Supply and demand is
a real thing, like anything in life. If you come
(42:31):
across as too available and not choosy. People just aren't
going to be as interested in you. It's part of
human nature, whether we like it or not. Also, we
take a lot of our cues about the meat quality
of an individual by looking at how others view them
as a potential meat. The phrase in the psychological literature
is called meat copying, and it's a very robust finding
(42:53):
in psychology. As skywork Place and colleagues put it, when
searching for a meat, one must gather information to determine
the mate value of potential partners. By focusing on individuals
who have been previously chosen by others, one selection of
mates can be influenced by another successful search, a phenomenon
known as mate copying. Place In colleagues did a real
(43:17):
world test of this, having people report on their real
mating interest in video recordings of speed dates, finding that
both male and female participants showed maate copying effects of
heightened short term and long term relationship interest toward individuals
and dates they perceived as successful in the In the
(43:38):
speed dating they also found that the relative attractiveness of
observers and the observed played a mediating role in whom
an individual will choose to copy with higher physical attractiveness,
obviously having the effect there. So again, physical attractiveness matters.
Consider this study from twenty ten called Rejection Hurts the
(43:59):
effect of being dumped on subsequent mating efforts. Christine Stanek
and colleagues found that finding out potential partners were rejected
by their last partner negatively affected their desire to pursue
a relationship with them. What's more, these scenarios produced intriguing
sex differences, such that men's ratings of women fell after
(44:20):
learning she had rejected her last partner, but women's ratings
of men increased after the same information was introduced. However,
in terms of sex differences, failing to disclose information about
a past relationship was unappealing to both men and women,
though particularly so for women. Now that we've talked about
what most women seem to want and covered some additional
(44:42):
nuances about the quote nice guy, let's acknowledge that individual
differences matter. Another way of putting this is what do
some women want. You may have heard the phrase opposites attract,
but that's not what the research actually shows. It seems
like the truth of the matter is that like attracts
like I think. This study is a really good example
(45:03):
of this. This study is called do Psychopathic Birds of
a feather Flock together? Psychopathic personality, traits and romantic preferences.
They found quite clearly that women with psychopathic traits were
attracted to males with psychopathic traits, so that really is
a thing. Another important individual differences variable is socio sexuality.
(45:28):
But before I explain what socio sexuality is, I want
to make very clear that it's possible to score high
in social sexuality and not be a psychopath, so the
two are not synonymous. Quite simply, the socio sexuality dimension
of human personality has to do with how high your
sex drive is. Socio Sexuality researchers measure social sexuality through
(45:51):
behaviors such as how many different sexual partners have you
had sex within the past twelve months, attitude such as
sex without love is okay, and desire such as I
have frequent fantasies about having sex with someone I'm not
in a committed romantic relationship with. So social sexuality difference
does a matter. For some women who score very low
(46:13):
in social sexuality, they wouldn't even think about having sex
outside of marriage. Or having sex without love. It's just
so far into them to even think of such a thing.
But for a lot of women who score high in
social sexuality, and I don't judge either way. I'm very
sex positive. Women with high social sexuality have a very
(46:34):
high sex drive and just love love having sex with
as many different partners as possible, and love doesn't have
to be the central equation for them. And perhaps for
them they're looking for the kinds of traits that people
look more for in short term partners, such as physical
(46:54):
attractiveness and niceness, just isn't as important for them for
wanting to have sex. I mean, look, you know, women
and men are both human. I think it's very obvious
to think about men and their desire for short term
affairs and what they're looking for. It's very you can
think about men, and it's very easy to think about
(47:15):
men and what they look for when they're looking for
a short term fling. But I think unfortunately society sometimes
tends to shame women who have the same desires, and
I do think that is very unfortunate. I just want
to introduce this individual differences variable as a very important consideration,
and a lot of things we're talking about today. Another
individual difference is variable that's important is sexism. Sexism does
(47:39):
seem to have an effect on who we're attracted to,
and researchers have actually identified two different types of sexism.
Hostile sexism, which is antipathy towards women who are viewed
as trying to take men's power, such as quote women
seek to gain power by gaining control over men, and
benevolent sexism, which is endorsement of subjectively positive yet stereotypic
(48:02):
beliefs towards women, such as quote, a good woman should
be set on a pedestal by her man. This study
by Jeffrey holland colleagues brings all of this together. The
researchers came up with a measure of quote assertive strategies
by combing through two popular books written by speed seduction gurus,
(48:23):
The Game and The Pickup Artist. This is a picture
here of a very well known pickup artist who had
his own TV show. His name is called Mystery, and
he argued that to get women, you know, you really
have to put on this fancy outfits, put on these
fancy outfits. You have to nig women, you know, kind
of putting them down a little bit, keeping them on
(48:44):
their toes, kind of making sure you kind of maintain
power at all times. Well, the researchers operationalize this and
came up with a scale of assertive courtship strategies, and
based on their own interpretation of these techniques, they came
up with this fourteen items scale, a set seeing three
particular assertive courtship strategies. The first is competition, so includes
(49:05):
things like compete with other men who are interested in
her even if she is with another guy, try to
pick her up, and if she rejects, you don't give
up easily. The second set of techniques is isolation, so
try to get her alone or let her know you
are in control, or find if she came to the
party alone so you can take control of the situation.
(49:26):
And the third class of techniques is teasing or as
the pickup artist called nagging, which includes things such as
pick on her appearance or behavior, be a little insulting
to her, and make a few jokes at her expense.
So what do the researchers find. They found that socio
(49:49):
sexuality was associated with a preference for assertive strategies. In
particular men high in socio sexuality were more likely to
employ assertive strategies, and women high in social sexuality were
more likely to be receptive to assertive strategies. But additionally,
sexism also mattered in both the college and adult samples.
(50:11):
Women scoring high in hostile and benevolent sexism traits were
more receptive to assertive courtship strategies. Among college students, there
was an interaction. Women with a combination of high social
sexuality and high hostile sexism preferred men's dominant courtship strategy
the most. Only in the adult sample, however, was male
(50:34):
sexism related to the use of assertive strategies. With a
positive association between hostile sexism and assertive strategy use, the
researchers suggest that people prefer courtship strategies that match their
same quote courtship script. The study also highlights the importance
of social sexuality in mat preferences and the importance of
(50:56):
looking at different age groups college adults when studied courtship strategies.
Many of these assertive courtship behaviors may be more prevalent
in college, lowering the variation in courtship strategies and making
it more difficult for researchers to find an effect. It
would also be interesting to see the effect of courtship
behavior strategy use by females, but this study did not
(51:19):
look at that in particular. Now we can add even
further nuance here by asking what do some women want
some of the time. Research suggests that women show changes
in their mating preferences across the ovulatory cycle. In particular,
research shows that women's preferences for a short term meat
(51:39):
who has quote good genes is enhanced when women are
most fertile in their cycle. These trait indicators, such as
physical attractiveness, muscularity, being socially respected, and being confrontative, should
also be traits that most women value more in short
term than long term meats. The results of a study
(52:00):
by Ganghestan and colleagues support the good genes hypothesis. When
women are fertile and rating men's attractiveness as short term partners,
they are particularly attracted to traits that tend to be
valued in short term meets. No preference shifts in favor
of traits deem more valuable in long term meats such
as good father, faithful, warm, and financially successful were found
(52:23):
across the ablatory cycle. As the researchers conclude, women are
attracted to features attractive in short term meets, but not
long term meets when fertile, and when their partners do
not possess these features, they are particularly drawn to men
other than their partners. As most of these studies do
not find changes in sexual desire across the cycle, sexual
(52:44):
desire per se is probably not responsible for these effects.
That's super interesting nuance. Now you may note that in
the chart that I showed, intelligence wasn't considered particularly important
for a shorting by most of the women in the
study at their height of their ovltrary cycle. However, I
(53:07):
want to add some additional nuance here by highlighting a
study by Hazelton and Miller in two thousand and six
which found that women especially value creative talent overwealth when
they are ovulating and evaluating men as short term meats.
So maybe creativity more than intelligence is showing the effect. However,
(53:29):
is showing the effect. What's more, I've personally conducted a
number of studies with my colleagues suggesting that creativity is
very attractive for both short term and long term meats,
and when it comes to intelligence, I wouldn't just count
out intelligence as sexy. In this study that I published
(53:50):
with my colleagues called who finds Bill Gates Sexy? Creative
meat preferences as a function of cognitoibility, personality, and creative achievement,
we found it really depends on the IQ and intellectual
curiosity of the female. We found that women with a
high IQ and with a ravenous intellectual curiosity did absolutely
(54:10):
find intelligent men sexy for a short term affair. So
where my sapio sexual is at? What? Now? Before we
leave this whole discussion today, I don't want to give
you the impression that nice guys always finished last in
the bedroom, because the research actually shows that nice guys
(54:32):
don't finish last in the bedroom. Glinski and Sonnenstein did
one of the largest ever studies on this topic, analyzing
three thy two hundred students aged eighteen to twenty six
years old who had taken part in the third wave
of the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. Overall, they
found that men were more likely than women to report
(54:54):
having had orgasms during sex eighty seven percent of men,
compared with only forty seven percent of women. Men on average,
were also more likely to enjoy giving oral sex than
women were, which is interesting suggesting that men might not
be as selfish in bed as stereotypes might have it.
In terms of individual differences, though, high self esteem, autonomy,
(55:16):
and empathy were associated with greater total sexual pleasure, frequency
of orgasm, enjoyment level for giving and receiving oral sex
and females, whereas only empathy was associated with total sexual
pleasure among the men in the study. Among men, autonomy
was positively correlated to the frequency of orgasm, whereas self
(55:36):
esteem was linked to the enjoyment of giving oral sex.
The researcher suggests that those with higher levels of empathy
are more responsive to their partner's needs, and their partner
is thus more responsive in return. Therefore, it seems as
though nice guys may finish last where it really counts,
in the bedroom. Okay, let's take a deep breath. We've
(55:59):
covered so much so far in this series, and I
know it's a lot to process. Let me take all
the scientific findings and attempt to give my best advice.
Let's start out with advice for the quote nice guy.
If you aren't getting the mating results you want, you
may want to hold off on becoming a card carrying
narcissistic psychopath. You may only need to make some minor adjustments.
(56:23):
Here are some tips. One, dial down your eagerness, hold
your horses, cowboy. Women want quality men, and quality men.
Don't act desperate. It is simple supply and demand. The
more a guy acts like he's in short supply, the
more a women will demand him. Two. Be more playful
and interesting. You may be boring dates and scaring women
(56:46):
away because you're too serious and anxious. Try watching some
comedy before you go out to get yourself in a
playful frame of mind, or take a date to a
stand up comedy show. It's my preference personally. Three More
you're assertive. If you are constantly being put in the
quote friend zone, perhaps you are not being assertive enough
about what you want. There's a difference between dominance and assertiveness.
(57:10):
Get out of your comfort zone by making bold, romantic gestures.
They won't always work out, but at least it gives
a girl a chance to see you in the way
you want her to see you. If you are nervous,
remember women find honesty sexy, which leads me to number four.
Be authentic, honest, and direct. Don't try to be the
(57:30):
kind of man you think women want, but play up
your own unique strengths. A healthy dose of self promotion
is okay. Own yourself. Women can tell when you're trying
to be something you're not. Jerks don't try to be
nice guys, so why should nice guys try to be jerks?
Five Get out of your head. Instead of worrying about
(57:50):
following a set of rules that puts you too much
in your own head and creates unnecessary anxiety, direct your
attention to the external world. Ask really interesting questions. This
relates to number six. Listen, ask a woman questions and
genuinely care about her answers. Women like to be understood
and will appreciate that you care about what they have
(58:12):
to say. Too much self focus will come across as unattractive.
Women really do like to be seen and valued. Seven.
Do good things for others. Smile at strangers, help granny's
cross the street, volunteer at to homeless shelter, do habitat
for humanity. We're in a culturally valued skill and become
(58:33):
really good at it. Instead of trying to manufacture attraction,
work on genuinely becoming the type of man women want.
Then attraction will come naturally as a result, Eat be
flexible and handle rejection graciously. Honestly, I think there are
aspects of the dark triad that the quote nice guy
can learn without becoming a bad person. It is possible
(58:56):
to have multiple social strategies at your disposal, one aagentic
and measured by the dark triad, and one pro social,
measured with altruistic behavior, agreeableness, and conscientiousness. There certainly are
times when an altruistic cooperative orientation is essential, such as
when forming meaningful reciprocal relationships and developing a skill that
(59:17):
helps humanity. And I also think there are times when
you may want to adopt an agentic social strategy, such
as when you want to hold your ground or your
beliefs and maintain your self respect or in quickly bouncing
back from rejection. Rejection is just a normal part of
the of the courtship process and the and the mating domain.
(59:38):
It's something you're just going to have to get used to.
And the good news is the more you get rejected,
the more comfortable you get with rejection. This is what
my friend told me. Okay, now here are some advice
for women. One understand the narcissistic mindset. Narcissistics are easy
to spot and easy to avoid. Once you understand the
(01:00:00):
narcissists mindset and what drives them, you realize just how
predictable they really are. Beware of men who talk about themselves,
name drop, or spend more time in the mirror than
you do. Men who put others down, especially in feerors
and strangers, and men who react too harshly to criticism
and see criticism or rejection where it doesn't even exist. Finally,
(01:00:23):
be on the lookout for men who act entitle to you.
That's a huge red flag. Number two slow down. Relationships
with narcissists start off with a bang literally but fizzle
out fast. Relationships with good guys may take more time
to develop, but may ultimately be more satisfying and exciting.
(01:00:44):
If you're looking for a long term relationship, don't put
so much stock in your initial attraction and be open
minded to guys who may not be as flashy at
first sight. Three. Assess him in multiple contexts. Sometimes extroverts
can be very hard to distinguish from narcissists at first encounter.
If you are attracted to a guy at first encounter,
(01:01:04):
assess him in multiple contexts before getting in too deep.
Four ask for a dating resume. If he has had
a lot of failed relationships or has no balls because
they've been cut off by a prior meat, that's not
a good sign. Five. Listen to your friends. If your
friends stopped hanging out with you because they don't want
(01:01:25):
to go anywhere near your new boyfriend, that's an important sign.
If everyone else thinks you're dating a self absorbed narcissist,
you probably are. Six. Look at where you're going to
find a meat. If you frequent bars and clubs, you're
more likely to encounter narcissists on the prow Avoid breeding
grounds for narcissists. Seven. Give genuinely nice guys a chance.
(01:01:51):
Not quote nice guys, but really nice guys. They're out there,
they exist. Stable and secure guys don't tend to wear
flashy neon lights on their shirts. If a guy looks
like he's genuinely interested in you and it is being nice,
don't automatically assume the guy is weak. Some of the
most self assured and cocky guys are actually the most
(01:02:12):
insecure and the most narcissistic, and many guys with the
worst quote game make for the most satisfying and exciting
relationship partners like Mike We're over here a producer. Eight.
If you tend to constantly be attracted to narcissists, it
might be time for you to examine, and I mean
(01:02:33):
really examine why you are attracted to narcissists. If you
are searching for an ambitious and exciting man who's not
too nice, you're likely to be drawn to many narcissists. Also,
if you're always looking for excitement rather than emotional closeness,
you're more likely to be drawn to narcissists, notes psychologist W.
Keith Campbell. What narcissistic need of yours do narcissists exploit?
(01:02:56):
It's really important to ask yourself that question. Understanding why
you eight narcissistic men will help you make significant changes
to your life. Nine. Examine why bad boys tend to
be attracted to you. A body of research suggests there
are certainly body language cues that are more prominent among
those vulnerable to victimization. For instance, Grayson and Stein found
(01:03:19):
that potential victims differed from non victims with respect of
five motion cues, longer or shorter strides, non lateral weight shifts,
gestured versus postural movements and foot movement. Potential victims tended
to lift their feet higher while walking. A key factor
in victimization seems to be nonverbal cues of dominance for submissiveness.
(01:03:40):
We don't want a victim Blaine here, but I think
knowledge is power, so can anything be done? Prison psychologist
Mariso Morrow, who deals with criminals and people with psychopathic traits,
notes that quote, besides one's walk, individuals can purposefully project
dominance thereby potentially decreasing proceed vulnerability by increasing eye contact,
(01:04:03):
decreasing the use of small body movements of the feet
in hand, and increasing large body movements or changes in
postural positioning. Ten. Don't let narcissists get into your head.
Narcissists are really good at exploiting people's emotional weaknesses and insecurities.
If you find yourself constantly questioning yourself and feeling guilty
(01:04:23):
for things your partners really should be guilty for doing themselves,
this is a sign that the narcissists tactics have succeeded.
Recognize this and don't let his mind games get into
your head. Eleven, Get out as soon as you can.
I know this can be easier than done, especially if
you're invested in some way. But if you do find
(01:04:43):
yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, don't try to
change him. Remember he enjoys being a narcissist. He's proud
of it. Be prepared to cut off the relationship swiftly
and abruptly. The more emotionally attached to get, the or
it will be to leave the relationship, and the easier
it will be for the narcissists to manipulate you. Twelve.
(01:05:06):
Take responsibility for your situation. As W. Keith Campbell notes, quote,
understand the situation you're in does not reflect your personality,
and you can change your circumstance. Responsibility is the ability
to respond. I completely agree with that. I'll put on
my jacket for this slide. I'm so ridiculous. Now some
(01:05:32):
advice for the bad boy. If you're tired of living
the fast life, it might be time for you to
dial down the signals that you're looking for a short
term affair, such as sexual language, approaching every woman in sight,
and work on your empathy and relationship skills. Also, you
might want to try acquiring socially valuable skills that help others.
(01:05:53):
If you found this episode of the Human Potential Lab interesting,
how we recommend reading my book co authored with Glen Gear,
called Mating Intelligence Unleashed. A lot of the studies I
mentioned in this episode are included in the book, and
the book goes even deeper into the various aspects of
mating intelligence. Finally, and I'm going to take off my
jockeys for this, I'd like to take a step back
(01:06:14):
a moment and give a human note. In reviewing this
vast and complex literature, I felt like something was missing.
I don't know about you, but it all feels so
robotic and unhuman, as if we're all just automaton robots
choosing quote good genes or quote good providers. I know
it can certainly feel that way when we're young and
(01:06:36):
in the clubs and feel like the only guys who
get success with women are the cocky, muscular ones. However,
I believe that as we mature and move past college
age and get older and more secure in who we
are and what we want out of life, both men
and women start to realize what really matters in life.
When choosing a partner, we start to value different things
(01:07:00):
and just want to be with someone who makes us
feel safe, to explore all sides of ourselves and to
grow together with a lot of the research I reviewed
is unfortunately conducted on college aged students, and even the
research conducted on adults is focused on people choosing hypothetical scenarios.
In the real world, I think we are attracted to
a vibe in energy and a sense of connectedness with
(01:07:24):
another person. Now, look, I could just be fooling myself
and only saying what I wish to be true, but
I really do believe this to be true. I believe
that the most fulfilling and meaningful relationships grow over time
and often with people who get you and who you
get in return. But what do you think? Leave me
(01:07:45):
comments on the YouTube page and let me know what
you think. I really genuinely care. I wish you all
the very best in your mating goals, and I hope
you found this episode comprehensive, valuable, maybe even a little entertaining,
and stay tuned for further episodes of The Human Potential Lab.