November 2, 2022 • 29 mins
This week’s callers think there are no more good, single men out there. One woman is only attracting men who take and never give in the relationship, and now she measures her relationships as a transaction. Then, the second caller believes she’ll never find what she wants in a partner, and because of that ends up finding men who leave her. Iyanla takes it all the way back to the root, diving into each callers’ belief systems (B.S.) developed at a young age. Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins
Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani
Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher
for salm in a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
production of shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
(00:39):
Everyone has their own BS, their own belief system, and
everyone believes things about the world based on that BS,
that belief system. It's a survival mechanism or a way
of understanding the world around us and our experiences. If
(01:00):
you were bitten by a dog at a young age,
you might believe that all dogs will bite you, that
dogs are scary and dangerous. If you've ever had a
car accident, maybe you are afraid to drive. Anything and
everything we experience can push the triggers of our belief
systems in one way or another, and that also applies
(01:24):
to relationships. People who have dealt with abandonment will attract
those who abandon them, people who have dealt with rejection
will attract those who reject them. And others who believe
they don't deserve love, can't have love, won't ever get
love will attract people who cannot give them the love
(01:47):
that they want or need. It's a catch twenty two.
So how do you fix that? How do you heal
those issues? Well, we're gonna learn about that today. Let's
say hello to our first caller. Good afternoon, beloved, welcome
to the art spot. How can I support you today? First,
(02:11):
I want to say I love you. I've been listening
to you for years. I wish you could be like
my personal therapist. I really wish. No, I'm not a therapist,
so we would be in a lot of trouble. I know, though,
what your insight is just amazing. I love it. What
kind of insight can I support you with? Today? So basically,
(02:35):
I truly desire to have a committed relationship. I want
to be married. I would like to have another child.
But it's like all of the men that I come across,
it's like they all just want, you know, to deal
with multiple women. They don't want to commit, or they
act like they do at the beginning just to give
it they want, and then they disappear. So I'm kind
(02:56):
of just like losing hope for anything serious. I don't
know what do me either? Oh my god, me either, honey,
And you're a lot younger than I am. So the
people my age ain't got no teething on all kind
of medication and pieces and parts ain't working. So we
(03:18):
just out here together. What else gonna do? What else
gonna do? Wow, I'm gonna go right to the core.
Why do you want to be in relationship? Oh, that's
a great question. I feel like I would be happy
if I, like had a family to care for. That
would just make me happy. So you want to be
(03:39):
in relationship for what it will bring to you? Well,
I also want to, you know, contribute to my partner
a very loving, nurturing, caring person. So I do plan
to give as well. And I'll just take what have
you given in the past and what have you received?
I feel like everything I've given loyalty, UM, trustworthy. If
(04:03):
a person needs help with something, I would try. So
I've been a motivator all types of things. UM. I
feel like in return, I feel like in return, I
just like at the end of each situation, I feel depleted.
I don't feel like I was given anything. I feel
like I was probably begging most of the time. Or
(04:24):
person make it seem like what I'm asking for is
too much? Mm hmm. So why did you give so
much and hopes that I would get Yeah, so your
relationships are transactional. You're dealing with transactional relationships. You give
me this, I'll give you that. If I give you this,
(04:45):
you should give me that. Transactional relationships never work and
the giver always receives less. Always, And at the core,
at the core of a transactional relationship, there is a cootie.
You know what a cootie is. A cootie is like
(05:08):
a little bug, a little thing that eats away at something.
Cooties and nasty. You know what is at the the
cootie at the core of a transactional relationship. Want me
to tell you what it is? The belief that you
can't have what you want. M there's a belief there.
(05:30):
Uh huh. You can't have what you want. Now, you
keep trying to disprove it, but you will never live
beyond your belief. And if you believe that you can't
have what you want, you will never have it. You'll
keep getting evidence to prove that your belief is right.
It leads to this kind of cat and mouse game.
(05:54):
I can't have what I want. Oh, but that looks
like what I want, so let me get that. But
the belief is operating, I can't have what I want,
So you'll continue to attract things and people that aren't
what you want because you know what we want more
than anything else, We want to be right. And so
you have a belief that is I can't have what
(06:15):
I want. I want to be right about that, so
I'll keep attracting evidence to make me right about the belief.
You got to heal up the belief. So what do
I need to do to reverse their thought process? So
you know, there's a very powerful way to dismantle belief systems,
and that's really to dump the consciousness of where the
(06:38):
belief originated. So this probably originated in your childhood. And
the way you can get in touch with that is
by writing with your non dominant hand. So are you
right handed or left handed? Okay, So that means with
your left hand you would have to write. What I
believe about relationship hips is what I believe about having
(07:04):
a relationship in my life. What I believe about being
loved by someone is all of that stuff. But you
write it with your left hand, not with your right hand,
because the left hand, the non dominant hand, will dump
your subconscious mind and bring up all of those feelings
and it's hard to do. It's hard, you know, to
(07:26):
right with your left hand. It's gonna be all over
the paper and it's gonna look real crazy, but you're
gonna tap into what the cootie up under there, because
there's some sadness and there's some anger, and there's some disappointment, yeah,
and loneliness. Yeah, probably all the way back to when
you were little. And that's what you've got to uproot.
(07:49):
And with your right hand, you know, you can do
some powerful attraction through I am you know, I am
attracting the right partner. I am attracting a generous partner.
I am attracting a committed partner. I am attracting a
loving partner. And you can do that with your right hand,
(08:09):
because it's not the man. There are plenty of men
out there, plenty of available men. And I know how
I know because I talked to them all the time.
Why can't I find a good woman? Really? Yeah? What
do you believe about good women? You know? Where are they? Philadelphia? Oh? Yeah,
(08:29):
I used to live in Philly. West Philly forty nine
and Pine they there, well, North Philly. That's why you
can't find nobody go down to West Philly. No, I'm
just scared. I'm just teasing you. But that's really what
it's about. It's about your relationships have become transactional. You've
been giving more than you're getting because you don't believe
(08:52):
you can have what you want. You don't believe you
can have what you want. So it has to be
about you moving into that belief of I can have
what I want. So since you ain't in a relationship,
you got time do the work. Okay, Okay, my darling,
thank you for calling, Thank you for speaking with me today. Okay,
(09:13):
bye bye. We all have a belief system. The issue
is how do we clean up our belief systems so
that relationships are not such hard work. In my caller's case,
she needs to identify the times that she didn't get
(09:36):
what she wanted. Then over time she started to believe
this pattern and live this pattern, and she believes this
is just how things are going to be for her,
and then she'll attract people who cannot will not do,
not give her what she wants and keep the psychle
going my lord. That's why you mu us do the
(10:00):
work to identify your patterns and then dismantle them by
creating a new pattern. After the break, will come back
with my second caller, who has a similar issue, but
for a very different reason. Welcome back to the our
(10:27):
spot today. We're talking about dismantling your false belief systems. Now,
this whole notion of unworthiness and not being able to
have what it is we say we want shows up
in a variety way. Some of them are very clever,
because you know, we are brilliant when it comes to
covering up our core issues. Okay, We'll never go around
(10:49):
saying I'm unworthy and I can't have what we want,
But what we will do is create all kinds of story,
all kinds of drama, and all kinds of bad behavior
that the ego then uses to reinforce the belief that
I'm unworthy of having what I want. One of the
ways we do that is serial dating. My next guest
(11:11):
is a classic example. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the
art spot. And what is the challenge issue dilemma that
you're bringing to the table for us to nibble on today.
I'll good afternoon, Queen Iana, thank you so much for
having me. How are you? I am blessed and so
(11:34):
blessed and here your boyfe I want to see you
when you came the spots and I don't want to ramble,
but I just love you so much and I've been
following you for years and I'm so honored to be
able to bring my issue, relationship issue to you. Okay,
you got a relationship issue, do you? The issue I
have is I have trouble building lasting relationships because of
(11:57):
trust issues in the past and the relationship where I
I felt like I gave a hundred percent and was
heard and treat it on and lied to and it
just has kind of given me I kind of like
a serial data. I love dating, but as soon as
I see anything that looks like it's not right, I run.
And I'm trying to get to a point where I recognize,
(12:23):
you know, normal things that you should expect and just
I don't know, it's just that's where I'm struggling at
the trust and relinquishing the control out of fear of
being hurt. Oh yeah, did you see the movie The Matrix?
I did? Okay, did you like him? I did? Do
you remember that whenever Neo went out to do something
(12:48):
in the world, to fight Jones or to go visit
the Oracle or anything, that he was strapped into the chair. Yes, okay,
So that meant that everything that we were seeing, everything
that he went through, what was going on in his
mind because he was strapped into the chair. I'm strapped
into the chair. Yeah, you strapped into the chair, baby,
(13:10):
making up all kinds of stuff. And do you remember
that Morpheus said to Neo, do you want the red
pill or the blue pill? The blue pill will keep
you exactly where you are doing, exactly what you're doing.
That's the blue pill, And the red pill is gonna
cataport you out of the matrix into a whole another
(13:33):
way of being. All right, do you want the blue
pill or the red pill? You sure? Okay, Red says,
give me the real truth, the hardcore rock, gut, cold
water in my face, slapped me up inside the head truth.
That's the red pill. You want that one, okay. Someplace
(13:58):
deep in your being is the belief that you can't
have what you want, that you brilliantly, brilliantly set yourself
up to be in situations that will give you evidence
(14:18):
that you can't have what you want. It's just that simple.
And you cannot live beyond your beliefs. So what you
will do is tirelessly, relentlessly and unconsciously put yourselves in
situations or with people are under circumstances where you can't
(14:41):
have what you want. In the minute, there's an iota
of what looks like, smells like, tastes like you can't
have it. You blame them. They are gonna give me
what I want. They're gonna hurt me, they're gonna leave me.
So let me go all all the way back. Let
me go back to the route and the cars. Okay, okay,
(15:05):
who left you, Mommy, daddy, Grandma? Who left you daddy? Yeah, okay,
that's number one. And what was the script or the
conversation I'm talking young, I'm talking three four or five
secs with the caregivers about you having what you want.
(15:27):
It could have been we can't afford it, that's too much,
you can't have it. What was that conversation? What was
that script that was implanted in your consciousness? Um, then
I'm gonna say it's a little bit of both. So
at the time, my biological father was deceased as I
was three. So I was raised by my mom in
(15:48):
a single parent home, and I had a brother, and
I always felt like the bad kid. Even though I
didn't do necessarily the bad things, regular mischievous things. I
kind of always had the title of the bad kid,
you know, period period right there, Yeah, right there, I
(16:10):
was the bad kid. Now do bad kids get punished?
Do bad kids get in your experience, what happened to
bad kids? I was always expected to mess up, and
so I did most of the time. M because you
you will live up to the expectations. I did. But
years later, you know, my real dad, who is alive.
(16:33):
That's his character. He's slick, he's street, he's cunning, he's bad.
And so that was kind of at the time. I
didn't realize that I was wearing that because when my
mom saw me, she saw my dad and she said,
without saying it, she was thinking it, she's like him now.
And so I lived up to that, you know, I
lived up to it. Years later, when I was forty seven,
(16:57):
I realized my dad was alive and that it just
was a untruth, the secret that kind of was kept.
So anyway, yeah, I always felt like that that I
couldn't do anything right or I'm gonna make a mistake.
I'm walking kind of on a tight rope in my
happiness is short time because I'm gonna mess something up.
(17:19):
So knowing all of that, why in the world are
you calling me? You just laid it right out. It's
something about a yama. So let me give you a prescription,
because it's not that you don't trust people. It's that
you don't trust yourself because you are bad. Yeah, you
(17:43):
don't trust yourself because people have secrets and you don't
know what they are. You don't trust yourself because people
are dishonest and you can't figure that out. Yeah, okay, yes,
and well you don't have no time in the waste
My producer said, you fifty two. So we got to
get this resolved. Okay, we've been doing this a long
(18:12):
long time. After this break, we're going to talk about
how to heal that inner child and break the pattern
of the people that you are attracting. Welcome back to
(18:35):
the our spot where we're talking about dismantling relationship belief
systems and healing your inner child, who will run your
life if you let it. Let's get back to the conversation.
So I heard you say something about three. At three
years old, you were told that your daddy was deceased.
(18:56):
Is that accurate? Do you have a picture of yourself
at three or around that age? I want you to
get that picture. I want you to put it in
a put it in a nice frame. Go to the
Dollar Tree. You can get a nice frame from the
Dollar Tree, or if you feel extravagant, go to Michaels.
They have more sale. Put that picture in a nice,
(19:18):
beautiful frame. Because I want you to teach that little
girl that she can trust you. She's still in there, okay,
and she's got all the information from the five year
old and nine year old, the thirteen year old. Because
I can imagine eleven the thirteen was a rough time
for you, because that's when all your badness was showing. Yeah,
(19:40):
I know, because you're growing into your own you want
to become independent, and you're thinking about those are rough
ages for girls. Your body's changing, everything's changing. And when
did you become sexually active? How old were you? Oh?
My god, mom, okay, okay, oh you messed up again,
didn't you did? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, bless your heart, baby,
(20:03):
you've been through a lot. Get that fifteen year old
if you've got a picture of her thirteen fifteen, so
you can get the picture of the little one and
the picture of twelve thirteen fourteen somewhere in there. Put
those pictures in a very prominent place where you can
see them. But here is the work that I want
you to do. This is a very deep and sacred work, okay,
(20:28):
and it was developed by a psychologist in Hawaii who
worked with the criminally insane. Now you're not criminally insane,
but the process works, okay. What's criminal is the belief
that you can't have what you want. That is your
punishment for being bad. You can't trust yourself because you're
(20:51):
dishonest and you're slick in your cunning, and you're gonna
mess it up sooner or later. So the trust issue
is with yourself. So, beloved, there's something that I think
would be very helpful for you. It's called the whole
opon Pono process. That's h o O p o n
o p o n o whole opon no process. So
(21:19):
I want to speak to you, a little three year
old that are large deep in your subconscious mind. I
want to speak to them, right now see feel imagine
that that three year old, that four year old, five
year old you are right there present with you. Take
a breath and just remember what you look like, what
your hair looks like, what your body looks like, what
(21:41):
your legs look like. Can you see that or feel
that or imagine it? Yeah? Yeah, So I want to
say to you, little Rochelle, I love you. I love you,
and I'm speaking for the big you. I'm speaking for
(22:04):
the fifty two year old Rochelle who knows all that
you've been through. I love you, and I am so
so sorry that you've been taught that you're bad. Please
forgive who ever taught you that, Little rochell She is
(22:25):
so so so sorry that you've been taught that you
can't trust yourself, you can't trust your thoughts, you can't
trust your feelings. But most of all, she is so
so sorry that you've been taught that you can't have
what you want. Please forgive whoever taught you that. Thank
(22:48):
you for being committed to your healing. Thank you, little Rochelle.
I'm speaking for the big Rochelle who knows you and
loves you, and she wants you to know that she
is so so sorry that the big people that you trusted,
the big people that you depended on, were dishonest and
(23:12):
made you believe that you two were dishonest. She wants
you to forgive them right now so that you and
her can heal, and she says, thank you for being
committed to your healing. Take a breath, Tell me what
(23:35):
you're feeling right now? Pretty deep? Yeah, pretty yeah. Your
work is to work with those two pictures of yourself,
the little girl and a teenager and the teen mom,
and to every day for a couple of days, just
sit with them, and here's the statements. I love you,
(24:00):
I am so sorry that, and then you talk about
whatever it is. You talk about what you believe in,
what you thought, what you were told. Please forgive them,
for they know not what they do. Thank you. Those
(24:20):
are the only four statements that you have to make.
And you'll know whether you're talking to the little one,
whether you're talking to the big one, because you have
to teach those parts of yourself that they can trust
you and that you can trust yourself. And as you
free them up from the past, you'll free yourself up
from the past, because all you're doing is living an
(24:42):
ingrained pattern, that's all. You can even go online and
look up the whole opponent PONO process and it will
give you four statements. Work with them, let's say, over
the course of the next month, and things will start
coming up. You'll start remembering things. It's not you at
fifty two, it's those little people, so that you can
(25:05):
clear the side of your body and your system. Does
that sound doable, my love, It definitely sounds doable. Oh
my god, yes it does. Yeah. So your assignment is
to go to the Dollar Tree or Michael's. I'm not
advertising for either of those two businesses. Get those picture
(25:26):
frames and put those two little ones in a prominent place,
and every day for the next month or longer if
you need to, I like to work with forty two days,
because they say it takes forty days to break a
habit and two days to instill a new one. The
first forty days you're breaking the habit of thinking you're badge,
you're wrong, you're slick, you're cunning, you're gonna mess up,
(25:47):
you can't do it right. And then the next two
days you're gonna be establishing the new habit of seeing
yourself and those little people within you in a new way. Yeah,
and for the time being, don't date nobody because you
a mess. Right now, I am, I am, I agree,
(26:08):
Do not date nothing. Get you some popcorn and watch TV.
Give yourself a chance to heal. And when you hang
up this phone, you know what I want you to do.
Go somewhere in the corner and weep, just weep for
those broken little girls that you've been carrying around in
and out of dates. Oh my god. Okay, yeah, Oh,
(26:34):
you got forty two days, so give me a calling
about sixty days and let me know how you're doing. Okay,
I will thank you for calling the loove it. Now,
go in the corner and weep. That's your assignment. Okay,
bye bye, thank you so much, Bye bye bye. It's
(26:55):
just the fact of life that the experiences we have
as children, the experiences we have with the big people,
the caregivers, are siblings, other children in the neighborhood, these
experiences teach us how to navigate relationships. We learn from
(27:15):
the people in our lives. We emulate and recreate those
dynamics and their relationships in our relationships. We can even
learn about relationships from the people who are not in
our lives, and if we develop patterns and beliefs about abandonment, rejection,
(27:40):
or insecurity, we're going to live them out until we
change it. There are ways to dissolve these belief systems
and behave your patterns, and it's important to do the
work as soon as you can to identify your issue,
because you'll never have a healthy relationship or attract the
(28:01):
people you want in your life if you believe you
can't do it, if you believe you're not worthy of it,
if you believe it will never happen for you or
this is a good one. Very often in our relationship,
instead of running toward what we want, we run away
(28:21):
from what we don't want and in the process recreate
the pattern. Now, these belief systems as it relates to relationship,
these are hard patterns to break, but you can do it.
You can move forward, you can heal, you can change,
and it doesn't matter what age you are. Now. I
(28:44):
hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you
have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
you can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
follow me on social media for all of the calling
times and until then, stay in peace and not pieces.
(29:11):
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
I am a yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher
for salm in a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
production of shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
(00:39):
Everyone has their own BS, their own belief system, and
everyone believes things about the world based on that BS,
that belief system. It's a survival mechanism or a way
of understanding the world around us and our experiences. If
(01:00):
you were bitten by a dog at a young age,
you might believe that all dogs will bite you, that
dogs are scary and dangerous. If you've ever had a
car accident, maybe you are afraid to drive. Anything and
everything we experience can push the triggers of our belief
systems in one way or another, and that also applies
(01:24):
to relationships. People who have dealt with abandonment will attract
those who abandon them, people who have dealt with rejection
will attract those who reject them. And others who believe
they don't deserve love, can't have love, won't ever get
love will attract people who cannot give them the love
(01:47):
that they want or need. It's a catch twenty two.
So how do you fix that? How do you heal
those issues? Well, we're gonna learn about that today. Let's
say hello to our first caller. Good afternoon, beloved, welcome
to the art spot. How can I support you today? First,
(02:11):
I want to say I love you. I've been listening
to you for years. I wish you could be like
my personal therapist. I really wish. No, I'm not a therapist,
so we would be in a lot of trouble. I know, though,
what your insight is just amazing. I love it. What
kind of insight can I support you with? Today? So basically,
(02:35):
I truly desire to have a committed relationship. I want
to be married. I would like to have another child.
But it's like all of the men that I come across,
it's like they all just want, you know, to deal
with multiple women. They don't want to commit, or they
act like they do at the beginning just to give
it they want, and then they disappear. So I'm kind
(02:56):
of just like losing hope for anything serious. I don't
know what do me either? Oh my god, me either, honey,
And you're a lot younger than I am. So the
people my age ain't got no teething on all kind
of medication and pieces and parts ain't working. So we
(03:18):
just out here together. What else gonna do? What else
gonna do? Wow, I'm gonna go right to the core.
Why do you want to be in relationship? Oh, that's
a great question. I feel like I would be happy
if I, like had a family to care for. That
would just make me happy. So you want to be
(03:39):
in relationship for what it will bring to you? Well,
I also want to, you know, contribute to my partner
a very loving, nurturing, caring person. So I do plan
to give as well. And I'll just take what have
you given in the past and what have you received?
I feel like everything I've given loyalty, UM, trustworthy. If
(04:03):
a person needs help with something, I would try. So
I've been a motivator all types of things. UM. I
feel like in return, I feel like in return, I
just like at the end of each situation, I feel depleted.
I don't feel like I was given anything. I feel
like I was probably begging most of the time. Or
(04:24):
person make it seem like what I'm asking for is
too much? Mm hmm. So why did you give so
much and hopes that I would get Yeah, so your
relationships are transactional. You're dealing with transactional relationships. You give
me this, I'll give you that. If I give you this,
(04:45):
you should give me that. Transactional relationships never work and
the giver always receives less. Always, And at the core,
at the core of a transactional relationship, there is a cootie.
You know what a cootie is. A cootie is like
(05:08):
a little bug, a little thing that eats away at something.
Cooties and nasty. You know what is at the the
cootie at the core of a transactional relationship. Want me
to tell you what it is? The belief that you
can't have what you want. M there's a belief there.
(05:30):
Uh huh. You can't have what you want. Now, you
keep trying to disprove it, but you will never live
beyond your belief. And if you believe that you can't
have what you want, you will never have it. You'll
keep getting evidence to prove that your belief is right.
It leads to this kind of cat and mouse game.
(05:54):
I can't have what I want. Oh, but that looks
like what I want, so let me get that. But
the belief is operating, I can't have what I want,
So you'll continue to attract things and people that aren't
what you want because you know what we want more
than anything else, We want to be right. And so
you have a belief that is I can't have what
(06:15):
I want. I want to be right about that, so
I'll keep attracting evidence to make me right about the belief.
You got to heal up the belief. So what do
I need to do to reverse their thought process? So
you know, there's a very powerful way to dismantle belief systems,
and that's really to dump the consciousness of where the
(06:38):
belief originated. So this probably originated in your childhood. And
the way you can get in touch with that is
by writing with your non dominant hand. So are you
right handed or left handed? Okay, So that means with
your left hand you would have to write. What I
believe about relationship hips is what I believe about having
(07:04):
a relationship in my life. What I believe about being
loved by someone is all of that stuff. But you
write it with your left hand, not with your right hand,
because the left hand, the non dominant hand, will dump
your subconscious mind and bring up all of those feelings
and it's hard to do. It's hard, you know, to
(07:26):
right with your left hand. It's gonna be all over
the paper and it's gonna look real crazy, but you're
gonna tap into what the cootie up under there, because
there's some sadness and there's some anger, and there's some disappointment, yeah,
and loneliness. Yeah, probably all the way back to when
you were little. And that's what you've got to uproot.
(07:49):
And with your right hand, you know, you can do
some powerful attraction through I am you know, I am
attracting the right partner. I am attracting a generous partner.
I am attracting a committed partner. I am attracting a
loving partner. And you can do that with your right hand,
(08:09):
because it's not the man. There are plenty of men
out there, plenty of available men. And I know how
I know because I talked to them all the time.
Why can't I find a good woman? Really? Yeah? What
do you believe about good women? You know? Where are they? Philadelphia? Oh? Yeah,
(08:29):
I used to live in Philly. West Philly forty nine
and Pine they there, well, North Philly. That's why you
can't find nobody go down to West Philly. No, I'm
just scared. I'm just teasing you. But that's really what
it's about. It's about your relationships have become transactional. You've
been giving more than you're getting because you don't believe
(08:52):
you can have what you want. You don't believe you
can have what you want. So it has to be
about you moving into that belief of I can have
what I want. So since you ain't in a relationship,
you got time do the work. Okay, Okay, my darling,
thank you for calling, Thank you for speaking with me today. Okay,
(09:13):
bye bye. We all have a belief system. The issue
is how do we clean up our belief systems so
that relationships are not such hard work. In my caller's case,
she needs to identify the times that she didn't get
(09:36):
what she wanted. Then over time she started to believe
this pattern and live this pattern, and she believes this
is just how things are going to be for her,
and then she'll attract people who cannot will not do,
not give her what she wants and keep the psychle
going my lord. That's why you mu us do the
(10:00):
work to identify your patterns and then dismantle them by
creating a new pattern. After the break, will come back
with my second caller, who has a similar issue, but
for a very different reason. Welcome back to the our
(10:27):
spot today. We're talking about dismantling your false belief systems. Now,
this whole notion of unworthiness and not being able to
have what it is we say we want shows up
in a variety way. Some of them are very clever,
because you know, we are brilliant when it comes to
covering up our core issues. Okay, We'll never go around
(10:49):
saying I'm unworthy and I can't have what we want,
But what we will do is create all kinds of story,
all kinds of drama, and all kinds of bad behavior
that the ego then uses to reinforce the belief that
I'm unworthy of having what I want. One of the
ways we do that is serial dating. My next guest
(11:11):
is a classic example. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the
art spot. And what is the challenge issue dilemma that
you're bringing to the table for us to nibble on today.
I'll good afternoon, Queen Iana, thank you so much for
having me. How are you? I am blessed and so
(11:34):
blessed and here your boyfe I want to see you
when you came the spots and I don't want to ramble,
but I just love you so much and I've been
following you for years and I'm so honored to be
able to bring my issue, relationship issue to you. Okay,
you got a relationship issue, do you? The issue I
have is I have trouble building lasting relationships because of
(11:57):
trust issues in the past and the relationship where I
I felt like I gave a hundred percent and was
heard and treat it on and lied to and it
just has kind of given me I kind of like
a serial data. I love dating, but as soon as
I see anything that looks like it's not right, I run.
And I'm trying to get to a point where I recognize,
(12:23):
you know, normal things that you should expect and just
I don't know, it's just that's where I'm struggling at
the trust and relinquishing the control out of fear of
being hurt. Oh yeah, did you see the movie The Matrix?
I did? Okay, did you like him? I did? Do
you remember that whenever Neo went out to do something
(12:48):
in the world, to fight Jones or to go visit
the Oracle or anything, that he was strapped into the chair. Yes, okay,
So that meant that everything that we were seeing, everything
that he went through, what was going on in his
mind because he was strapped into the chair. I'm strapped
into the chair. Yeah, you strapped into the chair, baby,
(13:10):
making up all kinds of stuff. And do you remember
that Morpheus said to Neo, do you want the red
pill or the blue pill? The blue pill will keep
you exactly where you are doing, exactly what you're doing.
That's the blue pill, And the red pill is gonna
cataport you out of the matrix into a whole another
(13:33):
way of being. All right, do you want the blue
pill or the red pill? You sure? Okay, Red says,
give me the real truth, the hardcore rock, gut, cold
water in my face, slapped me up inside the head truth.
That's the red pill. You want that one, okay. Someplace
(13:58):
deep in your being is the belief that you can't
have what you want, that you brilliantly, brilliantly set yourself
up to be in situations that will give you evidence
(14:18):
that you can't have what you want. It's just that simple.
And you cannot live beyond your beliefs. So what you
will do is tirelessly, relentlessly and unconsciously put yourselves in
situations or with people are under circumstances where you can't
(14:41):
have what you want. In the minute, there's an iota
of what looks like, smells like, tastes like you can't
have it. You blame them. They are gonna give me
what I want. They're gonna hurt me, they're gonna leave me.
So let me go all all the way back. Let
me go back to the route and the cars. Okay, okay,
(15:05):
who left you, Mommy, daddy, Grandma? Who left you daddy? Yeah, okay,
that's number one. And what was the script or the
conversation I'm talking young, I'm talking three four or five
secs with the caregivers about you having what you want.
(15:27):
It could have been we can't afford it, that's too much,
you can't have it. What was that conversation? What was
that script that was implanted in your consciousness? Um, then
I'm gonna say it's a little bit of both. So
at the time, my biological father was deceased as I
was three. So I was raised by my mom in
(15:48):
a single parent home, and I had a brother, and
I always felt like the bad kid. Even though I
didn't do necessarily the bad things, regular mischievous things. I
kind of always had the title of the bad kid,
you know, period period right there, Yeah, right there, I
(16:10):
was the bad kid. Now do bad kids get punished?
Do bad kids get in your experience, what happened to
bad kids? I was always expected to mess up, and
so I did most of the time. M because you
you will live up to the expectations. I did. But
years later, you know, my real dad, who is alive.
(16:33):
That's his character. He's slick, he's street, he's cunning, he's bad.
And so that was kind of at the time. I
didn't realize that I was wearing that because when my
mom saw me, she saw my dad and she said,
without saying it, she was thinking it, she's like him now.
And so I lived up to that, you know, I
lived up to it. Years later, when I was forty seven,
(16:57):
I realized my dad was alive and that it just
was a untruth, the secret that kind of was kept.
So anyway, yeah, I always felt like that that I
couldn't do anything right or I'm gonna make a mistake.
I'm walking kind of on a tight rope in my
happiness is short time because I'm gonna mess something up.
(17:19):
So knowing all of that, why in the world are
you calling me? You just laid it right out. It's
something about a yama. So let me give you a prescription,
because it's not that you don't trust people. It's that
you don't trust yourself because you are bad. Yeah, you
(17:43):
don't trust yourself because people have secrets and you don't
know what they are. You don't trust yourself because people
are dishonest and you can't figure that out. Yeah, okay, yes,
and well you don't have no time in the waste
My producer said, you fifty two. So we got to
get this resolved. Okay, we've been doing this a long
(18:12):
long time. After this break, we're going to talk about
how to heal that inner child and break the pattern
of the people that you are attracting. Welcome back to
(18:35):
the our spot where we're talking about dismantling relationship belief
systems and healing your inner child, who will run your
life if you let it. Let's get back to the conversation.
So I heard you say something about three. At three
years old, you were told that your daddy was deceased.
(18:56):
Is that accurate? Do you have a picture of yourself
at three or around that age? I want you to
get that picture. I want you to put it in
a put it in a nice frame. Go to the
Dollar Tree. You can get a nice frame from the
Dollar Tree, or if you feel extravagant, go to Michaels.
They have more sale. Put that picture in a nice,
(19:18):
beautiful frame. Because I want you to teach that little
girl that she can trust you. She's still in there, okay,
and she's got all the information from the five year
old and nine year old, the thirteen year old. Because
I can imagine eleven the thirteen was a rough time
for you, because that's when all your badness was showing. Yeah,
(19:40):
I know, because you're growing into your own you want
to become independent, and you're thinking about those are rough
ages for girls. Your body's changing, everything's changing. And when
did you become sexually active? How old were you? Oh?
My god, mom, okay, okay, oh you messed up again,
didn't you did? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, bless your heart, baby,
(20:03):
you've been through a lot. Get that fifteen year old
if you've got a picture of her thirteen fifteen, so
you can get the picture of the little one and
the picture of twelve thirteen fourteen somewhere in there. Put
those pictures in a very prominent place where you can
see them. But here is the work that I want
you to do. This is a very deep and sacred work, okay,
(20:28):
and it was developed by a psychologist in Hawaii who
worked with the criminally insane. Now you're not criminally insane,
but the process works, okay. What's criminal is the belief
that you can't have what you want. That is your
punishment for being bad. You can't trust yourself because you're
(20:51):
dishonest and you're slick in your cunning, and you're gonna
mess it up sooner or later. So the trust issue
is with yourself. So, beloved, there's something that I think
would be very helpful for you. It's called the whole
opon Pono process. That's h o O p o n
o p o n o whole opon no process. So
(21:19):
I want to speak to you, a little three year
old that are large deep in your subconscious mind. I
want to speak to them, right now see feel imagine
that that three year old, that four year old, five
year old you are right there present with you. Take
a breath and just remember what you look like, what
your hair looks like, what your body looks like, what
(21:41):
your legs look like. Can you see that or feel
that or imagine it? Yeah? Yeah, So I want to
say to you, little Rochelle, I love you. I love you,
and I'm speaking for the big you. I'm speaking for
(22:04):
the fifty two year old Rochelle who knows all that
you've been through. I love you, and I am so
so sorry that you've been taught that you're bad. Please
forgive who ever taught you that, Little rochell She is
(22:25):
so so so sorry that you've been taught that you
can't trust yourself, you can't trust your thoughts, you can't
trust your feelings. But most of all, she is so
so sorry that you've been taught that you can't have
what you want. Please forgive whoever taught you that. Thank
(22:48):
you for being committed to your healing. Thank you, little Rochelle.
I'm speaking for the big Rochelle who knows you and
loves you, and she wants you to know that she
is so so sorry that the big people that you trusted,
the big people that you depended on, were dishonest and
(23:12):
made you believe that you two were dishonest. She wants
you to forgive them right now so that you and
her can heal, and she says, thank you for being
committed to your healing. Take a breath, Tell me what
(23:35):
you're feeling right now? Pretty deep? Yeah, pretty yeah. Your
work is to work with those two pictures of yourself,
the little girl and a teenager and the teen mom,
and to every day for a couple of days, just
sit with them, and here's the statements. I love you,
(24:00):
I am so sorry that, and then you talk about
whatever it is. You talk about what you believe in,
what you thought, what you were told. Please forgive them,
for they know not what they do. Thank you. Those
(24:20):
are the only four statements that you have to make.
And you'll know whether you're talking to the little one,
whether you're talking to the big one, because you have
to teach those parts of yourself that they can trust
you and that you can trust yourself. And as you
free them up from the past, you'll free yourself up
from the past, because all you're doing is living an
(24:42):
ingrained pattern, that's all. You can even go online and
look up the whole opponent PONO process and it will
give you four statements. Work with them, let's say, over
the course of the next month, and things will start
coming up. You'll start remembering things. It's not you at
fifty two, it's those little people, so that you can
(25:05):
clear the side of your body and your system. Does
that sound doable, my love, It definitely sounds doable. Oh
my god, yes it does. Yeah. So your assignment is
to go to the Dollar Tree or Michael's. I'm not
advertising for either of those two businesses. Get those picture
(25:26):
frames and put those two little ones in a prominent place,
and every day for the next month or longer if
you need to, I like to work with forty two days,
because they say it takes forty days to break a
habit and two days to instill a new one. The
first forty days you're breaking the habit of thinking you're badge,
you're wrong, you're slick, you're cunning, you're gonna mess up,
(25:47):
you can't do it right. And then the next two
days you're gonna be establishing the new habit of seeing
yourself and those little people within you in a new way. Yeah,
and for the time being, don't date nobody because you
a mess. Right now, I am, I am, I agree,
(26:08):
Do not date nothing. Get you some popcorn and watch TV.
Give yourself a chance to heal. And when you hang
up this phone, you know what I want you to do.
Go somewhere in the corner and weep, just weep for
those broken little girls that you've been carrying around in
and out of dates. Oh my god. Okay, yeah, Oh,
(26:34):
you got forty two days, so give me a calling
about sixty days and let me know how you're doing. Okay,
I will thank you for calling the loove it. Now,
go in the corner and weep. That's your assignment. Okay,
bye bye, thank you so much, Bye bye bye. It's
(26:55):
just the fact of life that the experiences we have
as children, the experiences we have with the big people,
the caregivers, are siblings, other children in the neighborhood, these
experiences teach us how to navigate relationships. We learn from
(27:15):
the people in our lives. We emulate and recreate those
dynamics and their relationships in our relationships. We can even
learn about relationships from the people who are not in
our lives, and if we develop patterns and beliefs about abandonment, rejection,
(27:40):
or insecurity, we're going to live them out until we
change it. There are ways to dissolve these belief systems
and behave your patterns, and it's important to do the
work as soon as you can to identify your issue,
because you'll never have a healthy relationship or attract the
(28:01):
people you want in your life if you believe you
can't do it, if you believe you're not worthy of it,
if you believe it will never happen for you or
this is a good one. Very often in our relationship,
instead of running toward what we want, we run away
(28:21):
from what we don't want and in the process recreate
the pattern. Now, these belief systems as it relates to relationship,
these are hard patterns to break, but you can do it.
You can move forward, you can heal, you can change,
and it doesn't matter what age you are. Now. I
(28:44):
hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you
have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
you can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
follow me on social media for all of the calling
times and until then, stay in peace and not pieces.
(29:11):
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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