December 6, 2023 • 39 mins
Iyanla read a story about a woman proposing to her boyfriend and saw some of the incredibly interesting backlash about it online. So this week, Iyanla has a question for her listeners: Can a woman pop the question? And if not, how long should she wait before ending the relationship? Everyone’s got an opinion on the topic, with some tasty results.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is
and what it is not. I want to share some
(00:22):
of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to
the r Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio Grand Rising. I am I'm La van Zant,
(00:47):
your support, your guide, your teacher, your soft place to
fall as we explore and examine the details and intricacies,
sometimes challenge and upsets about relationships, all kinds of relationships. Now,
I've got a really interesting show today because I was
(01:11):
going through some social media things, something that I rarely do,
and I saw this post where a woman who had
been in relationship with her partner for six years took
him to a restaurant while he was eating, she got up,
got down on one knee, presented him with a ring
(01:32):
and asked him to marry her. Well, he was shocked.
The people in the restaurant were totally amused, and it
brought up something for me. Why can't she ask him
to marry her. Why do we as women think we
have to sit around and wait? Now, I'm just asking
(01:55):
the question. When I put it out in the public,
people were his it'sterical, and I want to say reading
is fundamental. I didn't say we should I didn't say
we shouldn't. I simply asked the question, why can't she
ask him to marry her if that's what she wants
(02:15):
to do? You see, because I get all the weeping,
wounded women who have spent five, six, seven, ten, twelve
years in a relationship, maybe have two or three children,
and after all of that time, he walks away, and
he has perfect license to do that because they're not married.
(02:37):
So when they come to me weeping, whining, crying and
hurt and upset, sometimes remorse and rage about the fact
that I gave him all of my time, all of
my years, gave him his children, and he walked away.
And when I say, why weren't you too married? And
(02:59):
she says, he never asked me. Hmm. Interesting. So today
women want to be the boss. We want to be
the one in charge. We want to own things and
do things and live in a certain way. Yet we
seem to be stuck in this traditional patriarchal idea that
(03:22):
in order for the marriage to occur, in order for
the connection to the occur, it has to come from him.
So I just want to know why can't she ask
him to marry her if that's what she wants. Now,
I'm not talking about on date three. I'm talking about
when you put some time and energy into each other,
(03:44):
when the relationship is moving ahead and you're just not
sure where it's going, and you want something a little
more solid, a little more firm, You want a bigger commitment.
You do want children and the house and the dog
and the fish and all of that stuff. Why can't
she ask him to marry her? Because sometimes the guys
(04:07):
are a little slow on the uptake, if you know
what I mean. So that is the question that we
have on the floor today here at the R Spot.
And again I don't have a position one way or
the other. I am too old to have babies, and
I'm real clear I don't want to get married, at
least not in the traditional way. But I want to
hear what people have to say about it. Can she
(04:32):
ask him to marry her? If so, why and if not,
why not? We're going to dig into that today, here's
my first caller. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the R
spot boy. We got a hot soup simmering up today.
The question on the floor is should she ask him
(04:55):
to marry her if that's what she wants, and if not,
how long should she wait for him to ask her?
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (05:06):
I think that women should ask, and I also think
that we should not have to wait. Usually when men
don't propose by that second year, they trying to get
wait for something better to come along. That's why I
look at it.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Wow, So you think too, by year two, if he
hasn't asked, she should ask.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Yep, just be like whether you got kids?
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Yeah, but see, okay, I'm glad you said that, because
sometimes the child comes along in year one and he's
not moving in that direction. So do you think sometimes
we move a little too fast in securing the intricacies
of a marriage without the actual marriage going on. Because kids,
(05:53):
to me, need to come into a committed relationship. That's
you know, whether you're married or not, you need to
know he's committed it.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
I agree with you, but I have a lot of
girlfriends and I myself, I would come in law married
to my kid's father.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
You said something very important, you said common law marriage.
And in most states, if you can prove your coupled nests,
you're being together. If you share property or things have happened,
you share finances for seven years, then you do are
considered under law to be married, although you may not
(06:34):
get all of the benefits of you know what happens
when you have a license. Do we need a license?
Why do we need the court to say you're coupled,
you're married? Why do we need the court to say that?
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Because some women want to have that title, and.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
If they've been in this thing for two years, they
should ask. Oh yeah, definitely, Okay, okay, all right, I'm
a put that on the board right now. We are
two to one. Two she should ask, one she shouldn't ask,
and one there should be a discussion, a mutual discussion.
(07:11):
So you're going on the she should ask side all righty, bye, bye,
all right, thank you, greetings, be loving, and welcome to
the r spot.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Honestly, what I think is that it doesn't matter who
asks who. The lady can ask if if they've reached
a point to where they think they want to be married.
I don't think it matters who asks who. I think
the problem is when we don't really know and we
want to push the issue. So I think it's fine,
(07:44):
But for me, I would not I'm not going to ask,
but I would bring it off a whole lot of discussion.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
And how long how long do you think you should
wait before you push it or bring it up discussion?
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Okay, So I've been through this recently, and for me,
I have to say it. Yes, yes, For me, I
used to say a year. I think a year is
long enough for a man or woman to know if
they want to be with each other, if they want
to build with each other, or if you can't stand
each other. A year is long enough to me. But
in talking to men, men are telling me it's not
(08:25):
long enough and that women shouldn't push it. So for me,
I've dived back a little. I'm not gonna wait in
eight ten years lifetime. I ain't doing none of that.
I know people who haven't.
Speaker 4 (08:36):
I ain't doing right.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
I think between one in three years is plenty. One
in three years is plenty. The relationship I was in
with four years and we end up not married, not together,
not even talking to each.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Other, whoa, why? Why? What happened? Did you see any signs?
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Oh? Of course I did, of course I did. But
I saw, let you know, I could fix him.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Okay, you had the fallacy of the fixing. Huh fallacy exactly?
Speaker 2 (09:14):
I saw we could get through it anyway. But I
had all the signs there, and I just chose to
stay there and deal with it anyway. That's what happened.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
When you saw the signs? Did you still want to
get married? Were you still willing to get married?
Speaker 2 (09:31):
I did not want to get married. Like the first
time I saw it. I was like, you know when
on the tame page, I don't see us being together.
But we went through that, just back and forth, just
bringing up on and all together, not together together, not together.
Four years of that, four years of that until I
really realized, I can't make anybody do anything. The only
(09:54):
person behavior I can change his bond.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Okay. So this is so interesting because you saw it
and were still willing to go through with it. What
was under that? Why were you still willing to go
through with it even after you saw the sign Because
(10:17):
you said the first time, no.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
I did not want to be alone. I did not
want to be by myself. That's pretty much what it
goil down to. Okay, I ain't want to be alone.
You know, if I'm in here a year or two years,
I'm figuring, you know, pick it out a little bit longer.
Don't just throw out for two years you been spent
in this relationship and just walk away. Pick it out
(10:40):
a little bit longer.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Dividends on your investment. Yeah, I have invested. I want
the interest payments to come in. And you know, I
get that, I really get that. Yeah. Yeah, And you
said your behavior wasn't good all the time.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
No, it wasn't because with everything we were dealing with
the mistrust, the fact that you know, he had recently
gotten divorced. We didn't date while he was married, but
he has just recently gotten divorced. So there's a lot
that goes on with that emotionally and financially. So we
both dealing with that, and then I'm not trusting him,
and so I'm allowing his behavior to change my behavior
(11:24):
as well. Trouble. And that's the cycle we were on
these years, just trouble and knocking each other down when
we got mad, instead of you know, like that that
honeymoon phase thing. You abuse each other verbally, then you
make up. You abuse each other verbally, then you make up.
We were in a bad cycle like that.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
Wow, you know, thank you for your honesty. That is
so refreshing because sometimes I find that as women, it's
hard for us to acknowledge the places we run amok
So I thank you for that. I got one more
question I want to ask you, just because I'm being nosy. Okay,
who left? Did you leave? Or did he leave?
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Actually, toward the end it was him. We split, and
then I was saying, you know, let's try again. We
hadn't been through this before, and he decided he wasn't gonna.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Do it anymore.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Okay, And how did that make you feel?
Speaker 2 (12:22):
What it makes me feel like? Well, goodness, gracious, I've
been leaving you all this time and I came back.
Why can't you come back?
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Even though you saw the signs, even though your first
thought was the first time you saw the sign your
thought was we are not going to be together, you
were still willing to go through with it. Wow. That's
a lesson. That's a lesson. Don't do that again.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
I'm too old I have done at that time. I'm
fifty years old right now, I was about like forty six.
I'm like I struggled with why I went through that
when I knew better.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Can you want a little tea on that? Can I
spill a little tea on that?
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Please?
Speaker 1 (13:05):
This is here's the t a. Here's the t that
you don't think you can have what you're worth, what
you want, and here's the sugar for the tea. That
you have to settle for what shows up.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Amen.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
If you can't have what you want, you have to
settle for what shows up. Because I'm I'm leaning into
that first thought, we are not going to be together.
I'm leaning into that. So I want you to when
you when you go out there again because obviously you
in the pool splashing around. When you go out there again,
(13:42):
remember that follow your first thought.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Okay, thank you, thank you so much, thank you, well.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Good luck to you, good luck to you. I love
your back. Wow. So the tally board is coming up here.
But here's something to consider. Women look for the right
person when deciding whether or not they want to marry,
and they will also take the person that they have
(14:13):
and try to turn them into the right person. Because
we've got some fixation on fixing we like to fix stuff,
you know. But men look for the right time, the
right time. So for men, the right time is when
he has his finances together, when he's feeling good about himself,
(14:37):
when he's you know, on his game. He wants to
bring somebody in, when he can meet her requirements and
demands and whatever else. So women look for the right person,
and when she thinks she has the right person, then
she's ready to be married or pop the question, or
wondering why he isn't popping the question. But he's looking
(14:59):
for the right time, and sometimes we don't consider that.
So that's something to put into the soup today. Right person,
right time? Which one is more important? And which one
are you looking for? All right, let's see what else
what other ingredients we can find to put in this
(15:21):
soup today. We'll do it right after this break. Welcome
back to the R spot. I'm a yamla, and today
we're talking about should she ask him to marry her?
If so? Why if not? Why not?
Speaker 2 (15:41):
I personally think, you know, it should be something that
is discussed mutually.
Speaker 5 (15:47):
I don't really believe on that getting down on the
knee kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
And my.
Speaker 5 (15:55):
Significant other and I actually had been uncoupled for about
eight months because you know, we're both tired of the
long distance thing. And I just didn't realize that. You know,
That's what I really wanted to hear, was you know,
I want to.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Start a new life with you.
Speaker 5 (16:14):
I'm sixty eight years old.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Having no babies. Yeah, but you wanted him to ask you?
Is that what I'm hearing you say?
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Well, I guess I wanted to hear him say that,
and I didn't even realize it, to be honest with.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
You, Ah, oh good.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
I didn't get a yes about making a life together.
But I think it was because now I realized.
Speaker 5 (16:43):
It was because after eight months, you know, not being
a couple, still communicating that, you know that I needed
to hear from him that he was ready. He's a widower,
you know, she's been gone eight years. But you know,
I'm not going to move into his house and you know,
take her place. He's got to be willing to start
(17:05):
a new life.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Oh and was he? Was he willing?
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Well? I don't know. I just kind of wait all
this audio about a couple of weeks, about a week ago. Actually,
we've been talking about it each time we see each other.
And he said, yeah, I realized that I can't. Uh, well,
we use the We Love the Joboltie Taylor book about
(17:31):
the four characters. Don't know if you're familiar with that. Yes, yes,
I have fel you know character too, like, oh my god,
what if you know, I sell my house and everything
and then this doesn't work out? You know? And I said, well,
I mean if we're going to make a commitment, and
that's what we're committing to, right, we're going to make
this work out. Wow.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
So are you waiting for him to say that? You're
waiting for him to say, I want to build a
life with you.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
I'm waiting. Yeah, well I'm you know, we're in discussion
about you know, are you ready to make a new life.
That's what he has.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Decided now and you said that to him. Okay, good
for you. So there it is right there. So if
I'm hearing you correctly, your position is it needs to
be a discussion among the two parties. And it doesn't
matter who brings it up. She can bring it up
or he can bring it up, but it needs to
(18:26):
be a discussion. Yeah. Good, well, thank you for that.
Thank you for that. We'll put that on the board. Well,
good luck to you give him, give him another week
before you press in for an answer. All right, thank you,
my love, bye bye, greetings, We love it. Welcome to
the R spot. We are cooking up a hot soup today.
(18:50):
The question on the floor is should she ask him
to marry her? If so, why If not? Why not?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
My name? And absolutely do not feel that a woman
should propose to a man. And the rationale say that
is because men are designed to be the hunters and
they are designed to be the persona of the relationship.
And I think that a lot of women masculate men,
(19:18):
and they robbing of their manhood when they take away
their maculinity in terms of pursuing a life partner.
Speaker 6 (19:29):
And I've also heard a lot of men say that
it does make them feel diminished because men have a
criteria of what they desire in a potential life and
sometimes the women that they are with they just don't
cross off everything on their list, so they don't feel
the need to take the next step with him. So
(19:51):
when women they kind of you know, become eager imposted
in their decision making, they seem more potential in the
man than what he acts.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Receiving himself. So they then say, okay, well then I'm
going to take the lead.
Speaker 6 (20:04):
And that does make.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Men feel like, okay, well, you know, it can't be
too many of this relationship. So a lot of flamens.
They just don't understand that maybe you're not what he
wants in a wife and he's not proposing because of that.
And I absolutely feel that if a man is not ready,
he will get ready for the woman and he wants
to be with me.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Yeah, but how long does she wait? How long if
she wants to be married or coupled and he does not,
and he doesn't say to her, you're not checking all
the boxes on my list. He continues to hang around,
get the benefits, you know, participate with the madam, and
(20:45):
he doesn't say how long should she wait?
Speaker 6 (20:48):
I think that a couple of things going to say that.
I think that maybe a year's time is adequate time
because in that year she'll also be able to seed
growth and they're related to ship off this kind of
platford or you know, if it's not go on to
the next level. So even if he doesn't say it necessarily,
because some men they won't, they'll just kind of, you know,
(21:11):
play along until the next best thing comes flung and
then they'll read. But I think that if she's not
being consistent, because I don't believe you can be interested
and consistent. So if he's not being consistent a man
of his burden, he's not planning those days, if he's
not going to pursuing and that timeframe, I think that
a woman absolutely has her answer before she has to
(21:34):
ask him, because, as I said, for a man's old fan,
but I think your time is out of the time.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Well good, so, if I'm hearing you accurately, you say
absolutely no, a woman should not ask him to marry her.
That's his place because he is the hunter. Alrighty, thank
you so much for loved. Thank you so much. We're
gonna put that on the board.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Okay, bye bye, bye bye, thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
We'll talk more about it when they come back. Welcome
back to the R Spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Greetings beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. We got
a hot soup on the stove today. The question is
(22:23):
should she ask him to marry her? If so, why?
If not? Why not? What do you think?
Speaker 4 (22:30):
I am old school and I believe that women always
put their intentions on the table early and austen and
so that the man is serious and ready to commit
the rest of his life to someone, he.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
Should ask, he should ask, and what if he doesn't,
and if he doesn't.
Speaker 4 (22:51):
I think women always let their intentions be known.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
I know I did.
Speaker 4 (22:55):
And if you don't pick up the hint.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
How long should you wait?
Speaker 2 (23:02):
How long should you wait?
Speaker 3 (23:03):
Well?
Speaker 4 (23:03):
You know that's I think that would be relative to
the couple and where they want to be and where
they see themselves.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Going, you know.
Speaker 4 (23:11):
And I also think it depends on the persons where
they are in their profession, their age and things like that.
In your twenties you could wait a little longer, thirty
forties and maybe a little less. I have friends that
are dating in their sixties and seventies. They're not trying
to wait five years.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
So I think it depends on the stage.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
You're yeah, Now, let me ask you this. What if
she wants to be married and he doesn't, or he
hasn't said, he hasn't declared one way or the other,
and they find themselves with child, then what Because you
(23:50):
say you old school.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
I am. I am old school, but I also am
old school enough to know that a baby never keeps
a marriage together. So if they are in a relationship
and there is a child that's coming, they have to
decide whether they're married or not, how they're gonna parent
that baby.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
I think when people marry for the purpose of just.
Speaker 4 (24:14):
The child over time, I've seen it in various other
people's relationships and sometimes create relationship goals that aren't weren't there,
and the baby becomes kind of like the canon thought
of fights. So I don't think people should marry because
there is an impending baby. I think they should marry
(24:36):
for love and shared goals and shared it should well,
thank you, old school. Let me tell you, I am
absolutely My sisters are going to freak out when I
tell him I actually got to talk because I said,
I'm gonna talk to you. The fauns when they watch me,
so I'm so happy.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
To be here.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
You tell them to listen into the URS spot, and
not only will they hear you talk to me, they
will hear me talk to you. So thank you for calling.
Speaker 4 (25:07):
Thank you so much, and God bless you.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Keep doing what you do.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Okay, greetings beloved, Welcome to the R Spot. We are
stirring up a tasty stew Today, the question on the
floor is should she ask him to marry her? If so, why,
if not, why not? And how long should she wait?
(25:32):
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (25:33):
Well, I think it depends on the situation. I gave
this example.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
I got pregnant young at seventeen, and I came from
a single parent household.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
I didn't work that for my children.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
So I actually proposed to my high school sweetheart to
marry me so that he could go in a military
and we could live as a family and raise our
children together. He would not have thought of proposing, probably
at that age. So in that situation, I think it
was appropriate. But here I am export you something and
now this friends with benefits is the new thing, you know, Yeah,
(26:06):
And so I think that just depends on the situation,
the expectations of the relationship. So a proposal is just
like a business contract. A business proposal, you have to
negotiate that we get married based off of like this
generic contract.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
That does not necessarily apply to all marriages. Unfortunately. So
I'm in a situation.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Where you know, a guy does not want to marry
he wants to continue with a ference with benefits, And I.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Just don't think that that is, that's not in my
best interest as a woman.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
And so I don't agree to that. And so I
had to come to that decision to say, hey, you know,
this is not what I want. I wouldn't turn around
and try to propose to him, put him on the spot.
You know, that's kind of entrapment. I know he cares
about me, but there could be some other reasons why
he's not ready for that, and so I have to
dive deep into that if he's willing to open up,
(27:00):
and so I go back to it depends.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
On the situation.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
I think that a man knows when he wants to
marry a woman, but I just don't think that they're
transparent enough to disclose their vulnerabilities to make that understanding
look a little clear.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Is not that I don't love.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
You, it's just that I'm not ready, or I have
trauma or whatever.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
They're not going to say that, unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
You know, you raise a very very important issue. You
said at seventeen you came from a single parent household
and you didn't want that for your children. So rather
than looking at what you wanted, you made a move
based on what you didn't want. You didn't want to
(27:47):
do what your mother did, so you proposed. How many
people do you think do that or get married, not
because it's what they want, but because they're running from
what they don't want. They don't want to be alone,
they don't want to have children outside of marriage, they
don't want whatever. How many people do you think do
that in relationships?
Speaker 3 (28:08):
Not enough?
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Any made me cheer up because I never heard it
particulated like that.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Yeah, sorry, no, don't be sorry. Listen, listen, this is
we're ripping the band aid off. So here we go.
It's because I'm sure if you can, if you can
still talk about it, there's still some I don't know
what you want to call it, residue that that marriage
didn't work, that marriage didn't know. How long were you
(28:38):
together with him?
Speaker 3 (28:42):
We're still friends, we're still raising our children. My son
turned eighteen in June, and we decided once our kids
turn eighteen that we would call it quit in.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait
a minute, Hold up, all plump the brakes. You married
him at seventeen and you're still married to.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
Him, okayper that's the contract. We have businesses together, and
it's just it's complicated.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
How long did you actually stay together?
Speaker 3 (29:11):
Twenty sixteen was when our marriage ended, but.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
We didn't tell anyone, which is so funny. We didn't
tell anyone that you know.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
We kept it internal. We told like my mom and
our parents, and we didn't even tell our children until
a couple of years ago. And because we were friends,
we grew up in the same neighborhood, so it's a
little different. And so it ended in twenty sixteen.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
How many years was that? How many years was it?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
That was about twenty five years?
Speaker 1 (29:44):
Twenty five years because.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
My sun is thirty one.
Speaker 3 (29:47):
Wow, yes, ma'am twenty five years.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Wow. But in twenty sixteen you called it quits.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
From ninety two to twenty sixteen, so.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
He married you at seventeen and.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
What he people didn't realize I didn't. I married him.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Because we needed to raise his family together. I didn't
marry him because I was ready to commit to him.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
What does that mean?
Speaker 3 (30:13):
That's a whole another thing.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
I'm interested what happened. I want to know the juicy details.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Because my mom was a single mom.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
My grandmother raised me, my grandmother passed away.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
My mom raised started raising me and Unfortunately, I was
sexually abused at a very young age. I was over sexualized,
I was sexually active, and I was pregnant the first
time when I was fifteen years old, about twenty something
year old man, a drug dealer. And when I met
(30:46):
my boyfriend had played my own life sweetheart.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
I was tired of it.
Speaker 3 (30:50):
I was tired of you know that kind of lifestyle
with you know, guys like that. And so I ended
up pregnant by him, and I was like, I'm not
going to have an abortion. I'm when we're gonna raise
the breaking, I'm going to do the right thing now.
And it was really my son that forced me to
grow up and be responsible.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
And I knew how I felt not having my dad.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
And so I didn't want my son to grow up
without his dad. So I made sacrifices for my children,
from my for my for my children. Because I feel
figured now at my I'm now forty nine, I'm a
little bit wiser. I understand it better, and now you
kind of articulated.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
A different perspective. I did what I had to do.
I did what was best for my children. And my
kids we got three wonderful children.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
It's good stay with that. Don't don't run from that.
That's that's just your heart opening up and.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
The sacrifice of everything that we had to enjoy. It
was worked it looking at them now today was worked it.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Yeah, as you move forward with your life, you did
not marry for the commitment of it. You married for
what you didn't have and what you didn't want. That
is huge, even that you are aware of that, that
is huge because so many of us want the marriage
(32:21):
because of not having a father, or not seeing a relationship,
not being like a mother, not you know, so many
people do that and don't even have that awareness. Good
for you, So let me ask you this question. What
is your relationship two relationships right now? What do you
(32:45):
know now about relationships that you didn't know at eighteen
or you didn't know with the friends with benefits? What
do you know now?
Speaker 2 (32:53):
Well? I need to know myself first, and that's why
I did not.
Speaker 3 (32:58):
I never had opportunity to really know myself and know
exactly what it means to be by myself like.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
I've never I had never had my own room because
my siblings, and went straight from my siblings room.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
To where we you know, my sister to my house,
my husband's room. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
So I never had even that room to myself.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
That's a huge thing, you know, just having that alone
space and knowing yourself and knowing.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
What you can be without.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Like a lot of times, we, like you said, because
of what we didn't have, we kind of attached to people.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
And so I figured that I don't need that. I
don't need that attachment, you know, I have to find
a healthier attachment.
Speaker 3 (33:38):
So I spent a lot of time at the beach,
a lot of time just improving myself, went to law school.
Speaker 5 (33:47):
You know.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
Just I'm focusing on kind of what I want to
do now, not what I necessarily had to do to survive.
Speaker 2 (33:52):
I'm thriving. I feel like I'm thriving now.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
So can I offer you just a teeny We need
a bit of coaching right here, because you didn't ask
for it, and if you don't want it, I'll keep
it to myself. I just here in your speaking that
you externalize and although you're saying, I don't want that anymore,
because when you're speaking, instead of saying I, you say we.
(34:18):
So I want to know myself. I'm taking this time
to learn who I am as opposed to we need
to find out who we are and that kind of thing.
Do you understand that? So internalize that. I want to
take this time to find out who I am so
(34:38):
that you can internalize it. That means own your experience.
That's number one. Number two, beloved, I heard you speak
about this as the sacrifice you made for your children.
You know, you stayed and you got married and you
did this and that. I don't hear you giving yourself
(35:01):
credit for what you did for yourself. Are you even
aware of what you did for yourself in this process
of marrying your childhood sweetheart and raising your children. Do
you hear what you did for yourself?
Speaker 2 (35:17):
No? Hey, I don't.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Okay, would you like to hear some possibilities because I
don't hear you giving yourself enough credit. You were ready
to go into your bad behavior. Number one, you made
a commitment to yourself and you honored it. That may
(35:42):
look like you sacrificed yourself for the children, but at
a higher vibration, you made a commitment to yourself. I'm
not going to do what was done to me. I'm
going to do something different. So not only did you
make a commitment to yourself and honor that commitment. You
(36:03):
disrupted an ancestral pattern. Well done. You should be very
very proud of yourself. Take that in, take that in
the other thing you did. And the reason I know
you're honoring a commitment to yourself is when you were
(36:24):
in this friends with benefits situation and it's not what
you wanted. You got out of it. No matter how
much time it took, you got out. You are doing well.
I am so happy for you and proud of you.
And you know I'm gonna leave you with this little
(36:46):
blue pill. You want to be mindful if you got
guilt cimmeren on your stove. You do not want to
be in a relationship with another man while you are
still living with your husband. Okay, alrighty bye. I think
(37:06):
the question that we all may want to consider in
considering this question is what is marriage? What is marriage?
And what does it mean to us? Because we sometimes
just want the title, Sometimes as women we just want
(37:29):
to be chosen, and sometimes as men. I think I
don't know this to be true. I've never been a
man in this body. I think that many men feel
that with the pressure of a legal piece of paper,
they may not live up to the expectation. And it
(37:49):
all goes back to what is marriage. So our scoreboard
says to say she shouldn't do it, to say that
it requires a conversation, and another one says it depends
on the situation. So we've got to be clear about
what the situation is that we're talking about. Things are changing,
(38:11):
things are changing, people are changing, expectations are changing. We
now have Mommy's getting married, Daddy's getting married. We're mixing races,
we're missing mixing religions. So the question is what is
marriage and what does it mean to you? And are
(38:31):
you and your partner on the same page in the
same book. Wow, I think this has been a tasty,
tasty soup today and I can hardly wait to cook
up something new for us to talk about right here
on the R Spot. So until we meet again, stay
in peace and not pieces fine. The R Spot is
(39:02):
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For
more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is
and what it is not. I want to share some
(00:22):
of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to
the r Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio Grand Rising. I am I'm La van Zant,
(00:47):
your support, your guide, your teacher, your soft place to
fall as we explore and examine the details and intricacies,
sometimes challenge and upsets about relationships, all kinds of relationships. Now,
I've got a really interesting show today because I was
(01:11):
going through some social media things, something that I rarely do,
and I saw this post where a woman who had
been in relationship with her partner for six years took
him to a restaurant while he was eating, she got up,
got down on one knee, presented him with a ring
(01:32):
and asked him to marry her. Well, he was shocked.
The people in the restaurant were totally amused, and it
brought up something for me. Why can't she ask him
to marry her. Why do we as women think we
have to sit around and wait? Now, I'm just asking
(01:55):
the question. When I put it out in the public,
people were his it'sterical, and I want to say reading
is fundamental. I didn't say we should I didn't say
we shouldn't. I simply asked the question, why can't she
ask him to marry her if that's what she wants
(02:15):
to do? You see, because I get all the weeping,
wounded women who have spent five, six, seven, ten, twelve
years in a relationship, maybe have two or three children,
and after all of that time, he walks away, and
he has perfect license to do that because they're not married.
(02:37):
So when they come to me weeping, whining, crying and
hurt and upset, sometimes remorse and rage about the fact
that I gave him all of my time, all of
my years, gave him his children, and he walked away.
And when I say, why weren't you too married? And
(02:59):
she says, he never asked me. Hmm. Interesting. So today
women want to be the boss. We want to be
the one in charge. We want to own things and
do things and live in a certain way. Yet we
seem to be stuck in this traditional patriarchal idea that
(03:22):
in order for the marriage to occur, in order for
the connection to the occur, it has to come from him.
So I just want to know why can't she ask
him to marry her if that's what she wants. Now,
I'm not talking about on date three. I'm talking about
when you put some time and energy into each other,
(03:44):
when the relationship is moving ahead and you're just not
sure where it's going, and you want something a little
more solid, a little more firm, You want a bigger commitment.
You do want children and the house and the dog
and the fish and all of that stuff. Why can't
she ask him to marry her? Because sometimes the guys
(04:07):
are a little slow on the uptake, if you know
what I mean. So that is the question that we
have on the floor today here at the R Spot.
And again I don't have a position one way or
the other. I am too old to have babies, and
I'm real clear I don't want to get married, at
least not in the traditional way. But I want to
hear what people have to say about it. Can she
(04:32):
ask him to marry her? If so, why and if not,
why not? We're going to dig into that today, here's
my first caller. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the R
spot boy. We got a hot soup simmering up today.
The question on the floor is should she ask him
(04:55):
to marry her if that's what she wants, and if not,
how long should she wait for him to ask her?
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (05:06):
I think that women should ask, and I also think
that we should not have to wait. Usually when men
don't propose by that second year, they trying to get
wait for something better to come along. That's why I
look at it.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Wow, So you think too, by year two, if he
hasn't asked, she should ask.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Yep, just be like whether you got kids?
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Yeah, but see, okay, I'm glad you said that, because
sometimes the child comes along in year one and he's
not moving in that direction. So do you think sometimes
we move a little too fast in securing the intricacies
of a marriage without the actual marriage going on. Because kids,
(05:53):
to me, need to come into a committed relationship. That's
you know, whether you're married or not, you need to
know he's committed it.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
I agree with you, but I have a lot of
girlfriends and I myself, I would come in law married
to my kid's father.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
You said something very important, you said common law marriage.
And in most states, if you can prove your coupled nests,
you're being together. If you share property or things have happened,
you share finances for seven years, then you do are
considered under law to be married, although you may not
(06:34):
get all of the benefits of you know what happens
when you have a license. Do we need a license?
Why do we need the court to say you're coupled,
you're married? Why do we need the court to say that?
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Because some women want to have that title, and.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
If they've been in this thing for two years, they
should ask. Oh yeah, definitely, Okay, okay, all right, I'm
a put that on the board right now. We are
two to one. Two she should ask, one she shouldn't ask,
and one there should be a discussion, a mutual discussion.
(07:11):
So you're going on the she should ask side all righty, bye, bye,
all right, thank you, greetings, be loving, and welcome to
the r spot.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Honestly, what I think is that it doesn't matter who
asks who. The lady can ask if if they've reached
a point to where they think they want to be married.
I don't think it matters who asks who. I think
the problem is when we don't really know and we
want to push the issue. So I think it's fine,
(07:44):
But for me, I would not I'm not going to ask,
but I would bring it off a whole lot of discussion.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
And how long how long do you think you should
wait before you push it or bring it up discussion?
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Okay, So I've been through this recently, and for me,
I have to say it. Yes, yes, For me, I
used to say a year. I think a year is
long enough for a man or woman to know if
they want to be with each other, if they want
to build with each other, or if you can't stand
each other. A year is long enough to me. But
in talking to men, men are telling me it's not
(08:25):
long enough and that women shouldn't push it. So for me,
I've dived back a little. I'm not gonna wait in
eight ten years lifetime. I ain't doing none of that.
I know people who haven't.
Speaker 4 (08:36):
I ain't doing right.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
I think between one in three years is plenty. One
in three years is plenty. The relationship I was in
with four years and we end up not married, not together,
not even talking to each.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Other, whoa, why? Why? What happened? Did you see any signs?
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Oh? Of course I did, of course I did. But
I saw, let you know, I could fix him.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Okay, you had the fallacy of the fixing. Huh fallacy exactly?
Speaker 2 (09:14):
I saw we could get through it anyway. But I
had all the signs there, and I just chose to
stay there and deal with it anyway. That's what happened.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
When you saw the signs? Did you still want to
get married? Were you still willing to get married?
Speaker 2 (09:31):
I did not want to get married. Like the first
time I saw it. I was like, you know when
on the tame page, I don't see us being together.
But we went through that, just back and forth, just
bringing up on and all together, not together together, not together.
Four years of that, four years of that until I
really realized, I can't make anybody do anything. The only
(09:54):
person behavior I can change his bond.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Okay. So this is so interesting because you saw it
and were still willing to go through with it. What
was under that? Why were you still willing to go
through with it even after you saw the sign Because
(10:17):
you said the first time, no.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
I did not want to be alone. I did not
want to be by myself. That's pretty much what it
goil down to. Okay, I ain't want to be alone.
You know, if I'm in here a year or two years,
I'm figuring, you know, pick it out a little bit longer.
Don't just throw out for two years you been spent
in this relationship and just walk away. Pick it out
(10:40):
a little bit longer.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Dividends on your investment. Yeah, I have invested. I want
the interest payments to come in. And you know, I
get that, I really get that. Yeah. Yeah, And you
said your behavior wasn't good all the time.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
No, it wasn't because with everything we were dealing with
the mistrust, the fact that you know, he had recently
gotten divorced. We didn't date while he was married, but
he has just recently gotten divorced. So there's a lot
that goes on with that emotionally and financially. So we
both dealing with that, and then I'm not trusting him,
and so I'm allowing his behavior to change my behavior
(11:24):
as well. Trouble. And that's the cycle we were on
these years, just trouble and knocking each other down when
we got mad, instead of you know, like that that
honeymoon phase thing. You abuse each other verbally, then you
make up. You abuse each other verbally, then you make up.
We were in a bad cycle like that.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
Wow, you know, thank you for your honesty. That is
so refreshing because sometimes I find that as women, it's
hard for us to acknowledge the places we run amok
So I thank you for that. I got one more
question I want to ask you, just because I'm being nosy. Okay,
who left? Did you leave? Or did he leave?
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Actually, toward the end it was him. We split, and
then I was saying, you know, let's try again. We
hadn't been through this before, and he decided he wasn't gonna.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Do it anymore.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Okay, And how did that make you feel?
Speaker 2 (12:22):
What it makes me feel like? Well, goodness, gracious, I've
been leaving you all this time and I came back.
Why can't you come back?
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Even though you saw the signs, even though your first
thought was the first time you saw the sign your
thought was we are not going to be together, you
were still willing to go through with it. Wow. That's
a lesson. That's a lesson. Don't do that again.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
I'm too old I have done at that time. I'm
fifty years old right now, I was about like forty six.
I'm like I struggled with why I went through that
when I knew better.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Can you want a little tea on that? Can I
spill a little tea on that?
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Please?
Speaker 1 (13:05):
This is here's the t a. Here's the t that
you don't think you can have what you're worth, what
you want, and here's the sugar for the tea. That
you have to settle for what shows up.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Amen.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
If you can't have what you want, you have to
settle for what shows up. Because I'm I'm leaning into
that first thought, we are not going to be together.
I'm leaning into that. So I want you to when
you when you go out there again because obviously you
in the pool splashing around. When you go out there again,
(13:42):
remember that follow your first thought.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Okay, thank you, thank you so much, thank you, well.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Good luck to you, good luck to you. I love
your back. Wow. So the tally board is coming up here.
But here's something to consider. Women look for the right
person when deciding whether or not they want to marry,
and they will also take the person that they have
(14:13):
and try to turn them into the right person. Because
we've got some fixation on fixing we like to fix stuff,
you know. But men look for the right time, the
right time. So for men, the right time is when
he has his finances together, when he's feeling good about himself,
(14:37):
when he's you know, on his game. He wants to
bring somebody in, when he can meet her requirements and
demands and whatever else. So women look for the right person,
and when she thinks she has the right person, then
she's ready to be married or pop the question, or
wondering why he isn't popping the question. But he's looking
(14:59):
for the right time, and sometimes we don't consider that.
So that's something to put into the soup today. Right person,
right time? Which one is more important? And which one
are you looking for? All right, let's see what else
what other ingredients we can find to put in this
(15:21):
soup today. We'll do it right after this break. Welcome
back to the R spot. I'm a yamla, and today
we're talking about should she ask him to marry her?
If so? Why if not? Why not?
Speaker 2 (15:41):
I personally think, you know, it should be something that
is discussed mutually.
Speaker 5 (15:47):
I don't really believe on that getting down on the
knee kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
And my.
Speaker 5 (15:55):
Significant other and I actually had been uncoupled for about
eight months because you know, we're both tired of the
long distance thing. And I just didn't realize that. You know,
That's what I really wanted to hear, was you know,
I want to.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Start a new life with you.
Speaker 5 (16:14):
I'm sixty eight years old.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Having no babies. Yeah, but you wanted him to ask you?
Is that what I'm hearing you say?
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Well, I guess I wanted to hear him say that,
and I didn't even realize it, to be honest with.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
You, Ah, oh good.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
I didn't get a yes about making a life together.
But I think it was because now I realized.
Speaker 5 (16:43):
It was because after eight months, you know, not being
a couple, still communicating that, you know that I needed
to hear from him that he was ready. He's a widower,
you know, she's been gone eight years. But you know,
I'm not going to move into his house and you know,
take her place. He's got to be willing to start
(17:05):
a new life.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Oh and was he? Was he willing?
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Well? I don't know. I just kind of wait all
this audio about a couple of weeks, about a week ago. Actually,
we've been talking about it each time we see each other.
And he said, yeah, I realized that I can't. Uh, well,
we use the We Love the Joboltie Taylor book about
(17:31):
the four characters. Don't know if you're familiar with that. Yes, yes,
I have fel you know character too, like, oh my god,
what if you know, I sell my house and everything
and then this doesn't work out? You know? And I said, well,
I mean if we're going to make a commitment, and
that's what we're committing to, right, we're going to make
this work out. Wow.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
So are you waiting for him to say that? You're
waiting for him to say, I want to build a
life with you.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
I'm waiting. Yeah, well I'm you know, we're in discussion
about you know, are you ready to make a new life.
That's what he has.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Decided now and you said that to him. Okay, good
for you. So there it is right there. So if
I'm hearing you correctly, your position is it needs to
be a discussion among the two parties. And it doesn't
matter who brings it up. She can bring it up
or he can bring it up, but it needs to
(18:26):
be a discussion. Yeah. Good, well, thank you for that.
Thank you for that. We'll put that on the board. Well,
good luck to you give him, give him another week
before you press in for an answer. All right, thank you,
my love, bye bye, greetings, We love it. Welcome to
the R spot. We are cooking up a hot soup today.
(18:50):
The question on the floor is should she ask him
to marry her? If so, why If not? Why not?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
My name? And absolutely do not feel that a woman
should propose to a man. And the rationale say that
is because men are designed to be the hunters and
they are designed to be the persona of the relationship.
And I think that a lot of women masculate men,
(19:18):
and they robbing of their manhood when they take away
their maculinity in terms of pursuing a life partner.
Speaker 6 (19:29):
And I've also heard a lot of men say that
it does make them feel diminished because men have a
criteria of what they desire in a potential life and
sometimes the women that they are with they just don't
cross off everything on their list, so they don't feel
the need to take the next step with him. So
(19:51):
when women they kind of you know, become eager imposted
in their decision making, they seem more potential in the
man than what he acts.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Receiving himself. So they then say, okay, well then I'm
going to take the lead.
Speaker 6 (20:04):
And that does make.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Men feel like, okay, well, you know, it can't be
too many of this relationship. So a lot of flamens.
They just don't understand that maybe you're not what he
wants in a wife and he's not proposing because of that.
And I absolutely feel that if a man is not ready,
he will get ready for the woman and he wants
to be with me.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Yeah, but how long does she wait? How long if
she wants to be married or coupled and he does not,
and he doesn't say to her, you're not checking all
the boxes on my list. He continues to hang around,
get the benefits, you know, participate with the madam, and
(20:45):
he doesn't say how long should she wait?
Speaker 6 (20:48):
I think that a couple of things going to say that.
I think that maybe a year's time is adequate time
because in that year she'll also be able to seed
growth and they're related to ship off this kind of
platford or you know, if it's not go on to
the next level. So even if he doesn't say it necessarily,
because some men they won't, they'll just kind of, you know,
(21:11):
play along until the next best thing comes flung and
then they'll read. But I think that if she's not
being consistent, because I don't believe you can be interested
and consistent. So if he's not being consistent a man
of his burden, he's not planning those days, if he's
not going to pursuing and that timeframe, I think that
a woman absolutely has her answer before she has to
(21:34):
ask him, because, as I said, for a man's old fan,
but I think your time is out of the time.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Well good, so, if I'm hearing you accurately, you say
absolutely no, a woman should not ask him to marry her.
That's his place because he is the hunter. Alrighty, thank
you so much for loved. Thank you so much. We're
gonna put that on the board.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Okay, bye bye, bye bye, thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
We'll talk more about it when they come back. Welcome
back to the R Spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Greetings beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. We got
a hot soup on the stove today. The question is
(22:23):
should she ask him to marry her? If so, why?
If not? Why not? What do you think?
Speaker 4 (22:30):
I am old school and I believe that women always
put their intentions on the table early and austen and
so that the man is serious and ready to commit
the rest of his life to someone, he.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
Should ask, he should ask, and what if he doesn't,
and if he doesn't.
Speaker 4 (22:51):
I think women always let their intentions be known.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
I know I did.
Speaker 4 (22:55):
And if you don't pick up the hint.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
How long should you wait?
Speaker 2 (23:02):
How long should you wait?
Speaker 3 (23:03):
Well?
Speaker 4 (23:03):
You know that's I think that would be relative to
the couple and where they want to be and where
they see themselves.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Going, you know.
Speaker 4 (23:11):
And I also think it depends on the persons where
they are in their profession, their age and things like that.
In your twenties you could wait a little longer, thirty
forties and maybe a little less. I have friends that
are dating in their sixties and seventies. They're not trying
to wait five years.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
So I think it depends on the stage.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
You're yeah, Now, let me ask you this. What if
she wants to be married and he doesn't, or he
hasn't said, he hasn't declared one way or the other,
and they find themselves with child, then what Because you
(23:50):
say you old school.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
I am. I am old school, but I also am
old school enough to know that a baby never keeps
a marriage together. So if they are in a relationship
and there is a child that's coming, they have to
decide whether they're married or not, how they're gonna parent
that baby.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
I think when people marry for the purpose of just.
Speaker 4 (24:14):
The child over time, I've seen it in various other
people's relationships and sometimes create relationship goals that aren't weren't there,
and the baby becomes kind of like the canon thought
of fights. So I don't think people should marry because
there is an impending baby. I think they should marry
(24:36):
for love and shared goals and shared it should well,
thank you, old school. Let me tell you, I am
absolutely My sisters are going to freak out when I
tell him I actually got to talk because I said,
I'm gonna talk to you. The fauns when they watch me,
so I'm so happy.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
To be here.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
You tell them to listen into the URS spot, and
not only will they hear you talk to me, they
will hear me talk to you. So thank you for calling.
Speaker 4 (25:07):
Thank you so much, and God bless you.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Keep doing what you do.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Okay, greetings beloved, Welcome to the R Spot. We are
stirring up a tasty stew Today, the question on the
floor is should she ask him to marry her? If so, why,
if not, why not? And how long should she wait?
(25:32):
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (25:33):
Well, I think it depends on the situation. I gave
this example.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
I got pregnant young at seventeen, and I came from
a single parent household.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
I didn't work that for my children.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
So I actually proposed to my high school sweetheart to
marry me so that he could go in a military
and we could live as a family and raise our
children together. He would not have thought of proposing, probably
at that age. So in that situation, I think it
was appropriate. But here I am export you something and
now this friends with benefits is the new thing, you know, Yeah,
(26:06):
And so I think that just depends on the situation,
the expectations of the relationship. So a proposal is just
like a business contract. A business proposal, you have to
negotiate that we get married based off of like this
generic contract.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
That does not necessarily apply to all marriages. Unfortunately. So
I'm in a situation.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Where you know, a guy does not want to marry
he wants to continue with a ference with benefits, And I.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Just don't think that that is, that's not in my
best interest as a woman.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
And so I don't agree to that. And so I
had to come to that decision to say, hey, you know,
this is not what I want. I wouldn't turn around
and try to propose to him, put him on the spot.
You know, that's kind of entrapment. I know he cares
about me, but there could be some other reasons why
he's not ready for that, and so I have to
dive deep into that if he's willing to open up,
(27:00):
and so I go back to it depends.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
On the situation.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
I think that a man knows when he wants to
marry a woman, but I just don't think that they're
transparent enough to disclose their vulnerabilities to make that understanding
look a little clear.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Is not that I don't love.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
You, it's just that I'm not ready, or I have
trauma or whatever.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
They're not going to say that, unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
You know, you raise a very very important issue. You
said at seventeen you came from a single parent household
and you didn't want that for your children. So rather
than looking at what you wanted, you made a move
based on what you didn't want. You didn't want to
(27:47):
do what your mother did, so you proposed. How many
people do you think do that or get married, not
because it's what they want, but because they're running from
what they don't want. They don't want to be alone,
they don't want to have children outside of marriage, they
don't want whatever. How many people do you think do
that in relationships?
Speaker 3 (28:08):
Not enough?
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Any made me cheer up because I never heard it
particulated like that.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Yeah, sorry, no, don't be sorry. Listen, listen, this is
we're ripping the band aid off. So here we go.
It's because I'm sure if you can, if you can
still talk about it, there's still some I don't know
what you want to call it, residue that that marriage
didn't work, that marriage didn't know. How long were you
(28:38):
together with him?
Speaker 3 (28:42):
We're still friends, we're still raising our children. My son
turned eighteen in June, and we decided once our kids
turn eighteen that we would call it quit in.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait
a minute, Hold up, all plump the brakes. You married
him at seventeen and you're still married to.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
Him, okayper that's the contract. We have businesses together, and
it's just it's complicated.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
How long did you actually stay together?
Speaker 3 (29:11):
Twenty sixteen was when our marriage ended, but.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
We didn't tell anyone, which is so funny. We didn't
tell anyone that you know.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
We kept it internal. We told like my mom and
our parents, and we didn't even tell our children until
a couple of years ago. And because we were friends,
we grew up in the same neighborhood, so it's a
little different. And so it ended in twenty sixteen.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
How many years was that? How many years was it?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
That was about twenty five years?
Speaker 1 (29:44):
Twenty five years because.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
My sun is thirty one.
Speaker 3 (29:47):
Wow, yes, ma'am twenty five years.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Wow. But in twenty sixteen you called it quits.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
From ninety two to twenty sixteen, so.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
He married you at seventeen and.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
What he people didn't realize I didn't. I married him.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Because we needed to raise his family together. I didn't
marry him because I was ready to commit to him.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
What does that mean?
Speaker 3 (30:13):
That's a whole another thing.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
I'm interested what happened. I want to know the juicy details.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Because my mom was a single mom.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
My grandmother raised me, my grandmother passed away.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
My mom raised started raising me and Unfortunately, I was
sexually abused at a very young age. I was over sexualized,
I was sexually active, and I was pregnant the first
time when I was fifteen years old, about twenty something
year old man, a drug dealer. And when I met
(30:46):
my boyfriend had played my own life sweetheart.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
I was tired of it.
Speaker 3 (30:50):
I was tired of you know that kind of lifestyle
with you know, guys like that. And so I ended
up pregnant by him, and I was like, I'm not
going to have an abortion. I'm when we're gonna raise
the breaking, I'm going to do the right thing now.
And it was really my son that forced me to
grow up and be responsible.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
And I knew how I felt not having my dad.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
And so I didn't want my son to grow up
without his dad. So I made sacrifices for my children,
from my for my for my children. Because I feel
figured now at my I'm now forty nine, I'm a
little bit wiser. I understand it better, and now you
kind of articulated.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
A different perspective. I did what I had to do.
I did what was best for my children. And my
kids we got three wonderful children.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
It's good stay with that. Don't don't run from that.
That's that's just your heart opening up and.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
The sacrifice of everything that we had to enjoy. It
was worked it looking at them now today was worked it.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Yeah, as you move forward with your life, you did
not marry for the commitment of it. You married for
what you didn't have and what you didn't want. That
is huge, even that you are aware of that, that
is huge because so many of us want the marriage
(32:21):
because of not having a father, or not seeing a relationship,
not being like a mother, not you know, so many
people do that and don't even have that awareness. Good
for you, So let me ask you this question. What
is your relationship two relationships right now? What do you
(32:45):
know now about relationships that you didn't know at eighteen
or you didn't know with the friends with benefits? What
do you know now?
Speaker 2 (32:53):
Well? I need to know myself first, and that's why
I did not.
Speaker 3 (32:58):
I never had opportunity to really know myself and know
exactly what it means to be by myself like.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
I've never I had never had my own room because
my siblings, and went straight from my siblings room.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
To where we you know, my sister to my house,
my husband's room. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
So I never had even that room to myself.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
That's a huge thing, you know, just having that alone
space and knowing yourself and knowing.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
What you can be without.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Like a lot of times, we, like you said, because
of what we didn't have, we kind of attached to people.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
And so I figured that I don't need that. I
don't need that attachment, you know, I have to find
a healthier attachment.
Speaker 3 (33:38):
So I spent a lot of time at the beach,
a lot of time just improving myself, went to law school.
Speaker 5 (33:47):
You know.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
Just I'm focusing on kind of what I want to
do now, not what I necessarily had to do to survive.
Speaker 2 (33:52):
I'm thriving. I feel like I'm thriving now.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
So can I offer you just a teeny We need
a bit of coaching right here, because you didn't ask
for it, and if you don't want it, I'll keep
it to myself. I just here in your speaking that
you externalize and although you're saying, I don't want that anymore,
because when you're speaking, instead of saying I, you say we.
(34:18):
So I want to know myself. I'm taking this time
to learn who I am as opposed to we need
to find out who we are and that kind of thing.
Do you understand that? So internalize that. I want to
take this time to find out who I am so
(34:38):
that you can internalize it. That means own your experience.
That's number one. Number two, beloved, I heard you speak
about this as the sacrifice you made for your children.
You know, you stayed and you got married and you
did this and that. I don't hear you giving yourself
(35:01):
credit for what you did for yourself. Are you even
aware of what you did for yourself in this process
of marrying your childhood sweetheart and raising your children. Do
you hear what you did for yourself?
Speaker 2 (35:17):
No? Hey, I don't.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Okay, would you like to hear some possibilities because I
don't hear you giving yourself enough credit. You were ready
to go into your bad behavior. Number one, you made
a commitment to yourself and you honored it. That may
(35:42):
look like you sacrificed yourself for the children, but at
a higher vibration, you made a commitment to yourself. I'm
not going to do what was done to me. I'm
going to do something different. So not only did you
make a commitment to yourself and honor that commitment. You
(36:03):
disrupted an ancestral pattern. Well done. You should be very
very proud of yourself. Take that in, take that in
the other thing you did. And the reason I know
you're honoring a commitment to yourself is when you were
(36:24):
in this friends with benefits situation and it's not what
you wanted. You got out of it. No matter how
much time it took, you got out. You are doing well.
I am so happy for you and proud of you.
And you know I'm gonna leave you with this little
(36:46):
blue pill. You want to be mindful if you got
guilt cimmeren on your stove. You do not want to
be in a relationship with another man while you are
still living with your husband. Okay, alrighty bye. I think
(37:06):
the question that we all may want to consider in
considering this question is what is marriage? What is marriage?
And what does it mean to us? Because we sometimes
just want the title, Sometimes as women we just want
(37:29):
to be chosen, and sometimes as men. I think I
don't know this to be true. I've never been a
man in this body. I think that many men feel
that with the pressure of a legal piece of paper,
they may not live up to the expectation. And it
(37:49):
all goes back to what is marriage. So our scoreboard
says to say she shouldn't do it, to say that
it requires a conversation, and another one says it depends
on the situation. So we've got to be clear about
what the situation is that we're talking about. Things are changing,
(38:11):
things are changing, people are changing, expectations are changing. We
now have Mommy's getting married, Daddy's getting married. We're mixing races,
we're missing mixing religions. So the question is what is
marriage and what does it mean to you? And are
(38:31):
you and your partner on the same page in the
same book. Wow, I think this has been a tasty,
tasty soup today and I can hardly wait to cook
up something new for us to talk about right here
on the R Spot. So until we meet again, stay
in peace and not pieces fine. The R Spot is
(39:02):
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For
more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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