March 1, 2023 • 44 mins
Two callers seek Iyanla’s guidance this week, each looking for the answer on whether to stay or go in their relationships. The first woman has recently been betrayed by her husband for the second time, and she’s not sure if she can go through the heartbreak again. The second caller, a woman who continuously breaks up and gets back together with her partner feels as though she’s only sticking around for one thing: the sex. So Iyanla flips the question back to the callers, asking, “How do YOU know when it’s over?”
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
I Ami Amlah. I had a baby daddy relationship. I
spent time in a relationship with a married man. I
had to learn the skills and tools required to make
my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot,
a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Listen.
(00:39):
Leaving isn't easy. I just want you to know that
leaving a relationship isn't easy. Maybe maybe I had mentioned
once before, I just want to say again that leaving
a relationship, a loving, intimate relationship, it's not an easy
(01:01):
thing to do. It's not easy on any level, in
leaving any kind of relationship, but loveship or familyship or friendship,
it's not easy. But there are those times and situations
when it's absolutely necessary. But there's a process and there's
a way to do it. Sometimes you can't leave a
relationship right away. Sometimes you have to leave in stages.
(01:27):
I've mastered the art of leaving in stages, okay, and
you must understand your reasons for doing it. Leaving isn't easy,
but it can be done. Greetings beloved, Welcome to the
Our Spot and how may I support you today? What
is your relationship challenge the Lemma issue. First, I'd like
(01:50):
to say thank you for sharing your talents with me today.
I really appreciate you taking my call. Well, I appreciate
you calling, I said. The issue that I'm having today
is if marital issues with myself and my husband. We've
been married eighteen years now. We have two beautiful children
through adoption. It was a very long road to become parents,
(02:12):
and I thought all was well in our world until
about five years ago when he developed an emotional relationship
with a coworker. It happened to be during a very
stressful time in our life. My daughter was diagnosed to
some neurological differences, and I was very stressed out with work,
and so we just became disconnected and he found comfort
(02:37):
in the companionship with another woman. I don't believe that
there was a physical affair, but they were coworkers, so
I don't know that for sure. I thought we had
moved on from that, and then I had forgiven him
and we were working on a relationship when two months
ago I found out that he was communicating with a
(02:58):
woman who he'd connected with over Instagram and sending um
photos and videos back and forth. For a short period
of time before I found them. And so today I'm
very much struggling with what to do from this point forward,
knowing that we have two beautiful children that I love dearly.
(03:21):
I do love my husband. He has been different this
time around in that he's, you know, he's he's promising
to work on us and putting us first and repairing
the relationship. Um, he's decided to go to counseling to
find out, you know, the root cause of his insecurities
(03:41):
and things, and and I do see a lot of
effort on his apart my fears that I don't I
don't really know what my heart wants at this point,
whether that's move on or um, continue in the relationship
and try to make it work. I feel like I
owe that to our kids. But at the same time, UM,
you know, this is kind of the second time that
(04:02):
that I've really done just hurt so sadly. UM, and
I'm not sure if I can move on from that. Okay,
lots going on. Hey, yeah, yeah, So a couple of
things I heard you say. Is it that you don't
know what your heart wants or you're scared, afraid, hesitant
(04:28):
to say what your heart warts. I think it's a
combination of both. Um. I think I think I'm very
much afraid of all that I'll lose in dissolving our marriage,
such as UM, you know, family, stended family. After being
married for nineteen years now, I love his family dearly.
(04:50):
They've They've become as close to me as my own. Um.
His parents are the type of parents that I would
have always wanted. Um, My relationship with my own parents'
is a little bit more strained. But he also is
a good father, and if you're not married to him,
he'll stop being a good father. No. No, I don't
think you could stop being a good father. And if
(05:12):
you're not married to him, you can't have a relationship
with his parents. I think they would choose him over
a relationship with me. I think they would think that
that keeping ties with me might be not fair to him.
Are you a college graduate? I am. Did you take
psychic one on one in college? Oh? You didn't take
(05:34):
psychic one on one to be able to see what
other people are thinking? No? No? Oh, okay, because you
seem to be so focused on what other people will
think as opposed to asking questions. Yeah, I guess the
reason my thoughts were on that end, is that they
never reached out to me after they found the house
the first time around, and I wasn't their business, wasn't
(05:57):
wasn't their business? No, that's true. They can't be up
in your marriage. Did you reach out to them? No,
So you wanted them to come uninvited and unasked into
your marriage. Yeah? And what did you want them to
do when they got in the marriage. I guess I
just wanted them to know that they were there for me,
(06:19):
or that they would let me know that they were
there for me regardless of what happened. Well, you don't
know that they weren't because you didn't go as a
woman to another elder woman woman his mother and say, look,
I'm having this challenge with my husband, not with your son,
but I'm having this challenge with my husband. Okay, So
(06:42):
I want to ask you this question again. Is it
that you don't know what your heart wants? Or is
it that you're afraid to look at what your heart
wants because you're looking at the negative possibilities? What does
your heart want? And ask you what can you make happen?
(07:02):
But what does your heart want? Honestly? Yeah? Yeah, honestly,
no lie to me. I wish I could go back
in time to wear before the heart ache. And what
exactly is the heart ache and the broken trust? Yeah?
Seeking seeking companionship and friendship and emotional connection with someone
(07:30):
other than me. What does the story you tell yourself
about why he did that that wasn't enough? Yes? And
how old is that message in your brain? How old
is I'm not enough? When was the first time you
thought that? Oh gosh, childhood? Yeah? Yeah, this goes way back.
(07:52):
So this is what I'm hearing you say. And if
any of this doesn't land for you, just tell me
and will pick it apart. Hearing you say that you
were married, that you've been married to a man that
you love, and in your time of mothering attending to
your daughter in addition to work, in addition to your
(08:16):
own brushing your teeth and combing your hair, your husband
developed an emotional relationship with a woman. You're in dilemma
as to whether you can trust the man you love,
who's betrayed you twice, who's violated your trust twice. However,
(08:37):
competing with that is your fear of dissolving your marriage
and what that would mean to you. To your children,
what that would mean in terms of your relationships with
his family and under that you haven't really checked in
with yourself to know what your heart wants, other than
(08:59):
to go back in time time, which you know you
can't do. I want to offer you that what you
wanted your husband to get his stuff together and stop
this foolishness running around with other women, that's what you
really want. Would that be accurate? Absolutely? Oh? So why
can't you say that? So? I wonder what else you
(09:22):
don't say in your marriage from the fear and the
belief that you're not enough. We'll talk about that right
after this break. Welcome back to the OAR spot. Let's
get back to the conversation. I want to know how
(09:43):
you knew, how you found out about both the emotional
relationship and the online relationship. How did you find that out?
The first time? It was seeing his account on our
shared electronic device and encountering the mess where he's professing
his love to the person that this only circumstances were different,
(10:05):
That you know that they could be together, but understanding
why they couldn't, and that they would need to part ways,
but that he would forever love her, and that made
you feel? What did he hear? Your husband for professing
his love for another woman made you feel? What? This
(10:25):
completely utterly abandoned and rejected and as though I didn't
matter in our relationship at all. And when you confronted
him or confronted him about it, what did he say? Oh?
He tried to tell me that it meant absolutely nothing,
(10:46):
and of course I did not believe him. And how
did you heal that? How did you heal that betrayal,
that violation of trust, that broken commitment? How did you
heal that? I tried to work on myself. I tried
to um, I took up taekwondo, UM, I started being
(11:08):
a therapist. I really tried to focus on me. Um obviously,
you know, having thought that that my issues and my
depression during that time, but that I was the problem
and the the reason why he had disconnected. Okay, and then
in the second how far apart were these instances the
first emotional relationship? And yeah, approximately five years? Okay, five years?
(11:36):
Please got the five years itch we had that happened
to be up north with with friends of ours, the
kids play in a lake, and um and came upon it,
by surprise, came upon what um the well Uh, I'd
asked to borrow a stone and he made sure to
(11:56):
um close out all the apps before handing it to
which brought on suspicion on my part. And so then
I did go looking through the text messages to find something,
some sort of indication of what why why he seems
so suspicient before, you know, before handing over the phone.
(12:17):
And then I had found a text from an unknown
number saying, UM, you know, let's chat over WhatsApp. And
when I found the WhatsApp apps, then I found them
the dialogue and it had only been going on for
about a week, but um, that time was enough to
share some you know, not so um clean material and
(12:40):
um again you know, just was crushed. So you are
married to a man who you're disconnected from emotionally. I
guess you're married to a man who's betrayed you to us.
You're married to a man who's violated his commitment to
his vows, married to a man who disrespects and dishonors
(13:02):
himself because he's sneaking around with other woman. Women doesn't
have anything to do with you. It's about him. You're
married to a man who doesn't have integrity. You're married
to a man who is emotionally dishonest. Never mind what
he's done to you, Look at what he's done to
these other two women, those women. So this is the
(13:25):
man you want to stay married to? Is that what
I'm hearing you say? I don't know? Yeah, you do know.
Stop saying you don't know. You absolutely do know. It's
just that hearing it is a little shocking and horrifying. Yeah,
do you want to stay mad? See? See, here's the thing. Beloving.
(13:46):
Love is durable. Love is like teflon on iron. It
can endure, and it can be patient, and it can forgive,
and it can do all of that never fails. It's
trust that's fragile. And once trust is broken, it taints everything.
(14:10):
And sometimes because we love, we love out a habit
we think we are supposed to love or have to
love and do love no matter what. The question becomes,
do you want to remain married to a man you
cannot trust and a man who triggers up your core
belief that you're not enough? No, and you can heal
(14:33):
up I'm not enough. You can do the work and
you can uncover that, and you can heal that up.
That's not going to repair the trust between you and
a man who has no integrity, who is emotionally dishonest,
who doesn't honor commitments, who's betrayed your trust. You healing
(14:55):
your issue is not going to change that. So the
question becomes, do you want to stay married to a
man who behaves that way? And do you trust that
he'll get his stuff together? Because if you do, go
to counseling, get it handled and figure it out step
by step. But it's going to start with you being
honest with yourself about what the soup is that you're making.
(15:18):
Because this is a soup. You got all kinds of
stuff in here, his parents, your parents, you know, the love,
the habits, the attachments, the fears, anger, hurt, rejection, abandon
all of that's in the soup. Yeah, how tasty? Is it? Not? Very? No?
(15:42):
And I dare to say, and please forgive me if
I'm wrong. I'm willing to be wrong. What was the
consequence of him having this emotional relationship or him doing
it again with somebody else? What was the consequence? I
don't know other than yeah, why should he change? Why
(16:05):
should he change? There's no consequence to his behavior He'll
put up with you moping and poping and fussing and
cussin or whatever you do, and and cheating him bad,
putting him in a box by the stove for sixty days.
You can't see your naked for another thirty and then
you go right back to the same thing. So the
question becomes, do you want to fight for this marriage
(16:27):
with some real clear intentions and consequences, or do you
want to keep sucking on this a bit of soup.
I don't want to be I don't want to be
heartbroken again. I don't I don't want to him in
mistrust and living fear. You know. But you know, maybe
(16:51):
here from now, two years, three years, five years from now,
you know that I end up in the same exact
place I am today. Have you told him that that
I have? And what has his response been? He says
he takes every day one day at a time, focused
on the right things. He brought himself a bracelet that
(17:12):
says commitment on it. Did he buy you one? No,
he brought himself. Y'all should be wearing the same bracelet. Um.
So he said he was just going to take it
day by day, focusing on the right things. And making
intentions to prove to me just how much I matter
(17:34):
to him and how much he wants me in his life. Um,
but it's only been a few months, and my concern
is that over time, but that's you know, that's that'll
fall by the wayside, and you know, five years from
now we're left. You know, the things get back to
the old normal. It may it may not, but you've
(17:55):
given him all the power. What do you want? I
think that's the first question I asked you, what do
you want? See? When I was married, there are two
things that I didn't do. I put up with a lot.
I stayed in a marriage of domestic violence for nine years.
Nine years I put up with that. The two things
(18:17):
that you know just turned me into a Tasmanian devil.
One is cheating and one is messing with my money.
Do not mess with my money. I don't play that.
I don't care who you are. I'm going, I'm out.
I'm out. And unfortunately, so very often in marriages, we
(18:38):
go into these marriages and we don't have a deal breaker.
And when I counsel people into marriage, I set up
the deal breaker up front, because then there's no more
conversation this is the deal breaker. You break this deal,
I'm out. I don't care if it's ten years, twenty two,
eighty six. This is the deal breaker. So my question
(19:00):
to you would be, what is your deal breaker? It's
not a man who lies, because he's lied to you
and you're there. It's not a man who lives honorably
and with integrity because he's shown you that that's not
who he is. And yes, people make mistakes, and yes
people can change, but what is your role and responsibility
(19:22):
towards yourself in the process. Then he's done this and
there's no consequences, so why should he change? So you
know you're so worried about what you're gonna lose, imagine
what you're gonna gain. And I am not at all
counseling you out of your marriage and the fact I
want to support you in learning how to stay. But
(19:45):
you gotta have a deal breaker, and that's got to
be clear to you. You have to know what it is,
and you have to know why it is. You have
to communicate it to him with a clear consequence for
breaking the deal, because if you don't do that, it's
like if you don't have strong boundaries and strong walls.
(20:06):
You know, any old thing passing by can just drop in.
Sometimes when we face a life altering change, we dismiss it,
or deny it or resist it because we don't know
that we're enough to handle it. Are you enough for you?
With him or without him? Are you enough for you?
(20:29):
I need to work on that. Yeah. I need to
share my strength. I need to establish clear boundaries and
communicate them. You might want to tell him that, Okay,
you broke my heart and I don't trust you, and
(20:50):
you didn't buy me a commitment bracelet fool. So what
are you actually committed to? Your risk? Is that what
you committed to? Because obviously you ain't committed to me.
I'm glad you can laugh, because you know you gotta
(21:12):
find a humor into somebody's name. He's committed to his wrist.
He ain't committed to you. Yeah, So what, my beloved,
do you want to do? I need to prove that
I am strong. I need to prove to myself that
I am powerful, not prove. Believe, not prove, because in
(21:33):
order to get proof, you need external validation. You need
to believe that you are strong. You need to believe
that you are enough. You need to believe that you
are powerful. Okay, and stop lying to yourself saying you
don't know what you want. You absolutely do know what
you want. You want your marriage to work, but you
want your marriage to work with integrity and with honor
(21:56):
and with respect and with love and with gentleness and kindness.
And if you can get laid every now and then
that'll be good too. You don't want to be in
a marriage with a man who's sending his pictures to
his We needed somebody on them. What app Oh no,
what's your What the hell I want? And you can
(22:23):
let him know. I'm willing to fight for this marriage,
but I'm not willing to fight for the marriage to
a man who has no integrity and who dishonors himself,
because you can't honor me if you're dishonoring yourself. And
if you're not willing to fight like that, you know,
and I say fight, meaning you know, stand up for
(22:44):
your marriage. If you're not willing to fight like that,
then make your exit plan. You don't have to leave tomorrow,
but that's what I would do. I'm from Brooklyn. I
don't know where you live. The Midwest. Oh yeah, that's
what's wrong with that's what's wrong with you. You out
(23:07):
there at La La Land are from the hard, cold city. Baby.
Wait a minute, and here's what I want you to know.
It's okay that you've been there. It's okay. It's okay
that you've been sad and hurt and embarrassed and afraid.
That's okay. Just don't buy real estate there. Okay, you're
(23:31):
gonna be just fine. Stay in touch with your heart. Okay,
that's quiet time, listening, journaling, ask her what she knows
to be true. Get clear about your deal breakers and
what the consequence of each one of them is. Get
clear about that and be willing to enact your consequences
(23:53):
as a sign of respect that you can trust yourself
and take your power back from him. Take your power back, okay,
and knowing that you are enough, you'll be good either
way it goes you let me know, okay. I will
thank you, ma'am. Okay, all right, my love, have a
(24:14):
blessed day. All right, God bless you always, except thank you,
bye bye. Leaving a relationship is not the same as
leaving because this or that happened. Leaving a relationship is
always a choice. It's a choice to do what's best
(24:38):
and right for you. Because staying in a relationship because
of what the other person may or may not do.
Leaving a relationship because of what a person has or
has not done, that's never gonna work. Staying or leaving
has to be the right choice for you because you
(25:02):
are the only one who gets to say what goes
on in your life after the break. Will come back
with my second caller, who has a similar issue, but
for a very different reason. Welcome back. I am y'all
(25:25):
len this is the our spot. Usually when people ask
me should I leave? I sense that they know they should,
They just don't know how. So they stay. They stay
for a variety of reasons. They stay because it's comfortable
thet stay before, because it's familiar, They stay because it's
(25:45):
a habit. They stay because they take the little good
parts and try to blow them up big enough to
make the relationship work. It's not gonna work. Just listen.
Good to new, my beloved. Thank you for your patience
and welcome to the our spot. How can I serve
support assists move with you through your relationship dilemma today?
(26:11):
Thank you for having me. I'm just so blessed with
this opportunity. My question is I've been in a relationship
now for off and on for eight years, and during
the eight years, we've been through a lot. And during
that time, I went to therapy, and I've done any
of management. I've done a few things to try to
better myself. And so I mean, now we're at the
(26:34):
point where we're not the same people anymore, and I
don't know if it's something that I should continue to
fight for and pursue or is it something that is
now time for us to kind of dissolve and go
our sepul Okay, so let me ask you a question.
After eight years and all that you've been through, is
(26:56):
this something that you should pursue or something that you
should leasing go your separate way. I don't know, absolutely,
you do know through our relationship, I want to pursue
us being together. I don't want to release it, Okay,
So stay it. Sometimes staying feels it though it doesn't
align with who I am, But I know there's no
(27:19):
one out there it's going to be perfect. So even
if I release it and move on, I feel steel
fight with you know, it's gonna be someone else that's
not gonna be perfect, And how do you just know
when it's time to fight and to stay. No, it's
just not perfect. Well, after eight years, if it ain't
(27:41):
what you want, it's probably time to move on. But
I didn't know you were pursuing perfection because that's a
that is a wasted effort. Yeah, it's all perfect. It's
all the way it needs to be for you to
learn what you need to learn. But you fell in
love with somebody and you're not that person anymore, and
(28:04):
neither is he that person. So it sounds to me
like you're staying out of habit familiarity and comfortability. And
is that what you want? Habit familiar You know? Grandma
used to say, better the devil you know than the
one you don't know. I'll go with the one I
(28:24):
don't know because that might be a little exciting. But
after eight years therapy and anger management, clear acknowledgement that
you're not who you used to be, what is the
question this time ago? Yes, you know, here's the question
(28:46):
Rather than should you go? The real question is why
would you want to stay? Because that's where the issue is.
The issue is not in leaving. The issue is what
am I pursuing here? And can I get it. The
issue is if I stay, what am I staying in?
(29:07):
Because I heard you say you've been on and off right,
So rather than looking at the difficulty in leaving, I
would look at the benefit of staying or the difficulty
in staying, because that may be where the problem is.
So if you stay, what are you staying in a
(29:27):
relationship that's familiar to me? Being in comfort? Yeah, it
is a lot easier. Oh, it's so familiar. Change's uncomfortable
and I don't like. Yeah, staying in a relationship that's comfortable,
staying in a relationship that's familiar, staying in a relationship
(29:50):
that's easy to accommodate and tolerate the dysfunction or the
lack of fulfillment or whatever. Um, you know, staying in
a relationship out of habit, staying in a relationship out
of fear that you find the same thing somewhere else,
(30:11):
as opposed to staying in a relationship or getting out
of a relationship with excitement that now you know what
you don't want? You know, yeah, and when you have
it's a blend of family. So you know, my friend
is a part of this, and I, yeah, I don't
(30:31):
want to go back and forth, and I don't want
to stay in it just you know, just because so
I want to you know, s an example for him
as well. So it's just it's a lot in it,
and yeah, I gotta make Yeah, well, you are setting
an example for him how to be unhappy, how to
accommodate what you don't want, how to how to be unfulfilled,
(30:54):
how to do how to accept less than you want
or deserve or desire setting an example for him? If
that if he so, I know, I've told you I've
went through therapy and I've done those things, and it
was something that he wants he wants to try at
this point, like I want to. I'm telling you this
(31:18):
because that's another reason why I thought about saying again,
which because now he's wanting to try and get better.
But um, I think or would you agree with me,
that it's best to kind of let him go off
and do his own thing and and see what if
it comes back around. So let me ask you this,
for you and who you are and what you want
(31:39):
to feel and how you want to be, is it
best to stick around and see how therapy turns out
for him? Or is it best for you to go
off and maybe see if it comes back around. Probably
best that I go off. The reason I'm asking you
these questions is because I get a sense that you know,
(32:02):
but you're afraid. I get a sense that you know,
and that you are willing to diminish yourself by acting
like you don't know. I I put everyone else before
what YE know. He's feelings and how he would feel
and how he's going to take it is probably over
(32:22):
my feelings. And yeah, that's a problem. But yeah, here's
something that you that you may want to consider. And
this is going to sound very strange. See, the most
powerful thing that you have going for you is your choice.
(32:45):
Choice is your power. Now you can make a fear
based choice, you can make the choice of least resistance.
You can make a powerful choice. You can make a
self serve supportive, self loving choice. Those are all different
kinds of choices that you make. And what happens very
(33:07):
often is that we traumatize ourselves by what we think
will happen as an outcome of our choices, and then
we just don't choose. But by not choosing, you're making
a choice. So you're not making a choice for the
relationship you're making a choice for you. Can you hear
(33:31):
what I'm saying? I absolutely do. Yeah, that's a lot
that's that was needed. And you're so right because when
you know, you know, I know, and I'm aware of
these things, but kind of hard to pull the trigger
in it. You go back and forth, so sometimes you
just kind of you didn't look at it in a
different way. Oh are you are you happy in this relationship? Yes?
(33:55):
Or no? No? Okay? Are you peaceful in this relationship?
Are you fulfilled in this relationship? Are you sexually satisfied
in this relationship that I am? Oh? Okay, So we
(34:17):
got one thing. This is an important question. If you're
sexually satisfied, why aren't you fulfilled and peaceful? Why are
you giving yourself or sharing yourself with someone that doesn't
fulfill you and someone that you're not at peace with
(34:37):
could just fulfilled for that one area, that the intimacy part,
But it's not fulfilled mine. It doesn't fulfil me as
a person. So yeah, let me just say this to you.
The madam will lie to you. She'll lie, she'll say,
Oh it's good, you can do it for a little while, glad,
just one more time, come on. It's good God. The
(34:58):
madam will lie to you, so you have to tell
her shut the hell up, because when you get up
from here, you got a whole bunch of other stuff
that you don't want to deal with. Shut the matter up,
shut up. He will lie to you. Okay, she'll tell you.
(35:22):
Oh you can, you can do it, goad, It's all right,
just for this is one more time. Come on, come on,
see it ain't that bad. And then you get up
and you're like, what in the blazing but Jesus am
I doing in this mess? Yeah? Yeah, shut her up?
And the cycles continue, and then you're blinded to all
the other things for just a little bit. Yeah, the
(35:45):
same cycle. Not you are I am on it. I am, yeah,
I am. Thank you for that. I am blinded to that. Yeah,
but I won't see things clearly there. I'm giving them
hope and excuses all over again. And yeah, because the
madam is lying, do you she's lying. She's a liar.
(36:09):
Oh ma, thank you so much for that point. I
don't remember anything else about this. Listen. It takes very
little to make her happy, very little to make her happy. Okay,
a little, a little whatever, you know so much more
(36:31):
to me than that. Mmmm. And if I chose to, yeah,
(36:52):
just alve this relationship and the greeting process and the
you know, the grieving process. Well, why does it have
to be a breathing process? Why why can't it be?
This is gonna be hurt. It's gonna hurt me. I'm
gonna be very hurt. So what I never heard nobody
cry theirself to death? No, no. But then one day
(37:15):
I'm like, okay, it's a change. Yeah, it's a roller coast. Okay,
I'm okay today, But tomorrow I'm and be hurting this.
It's gonna be tough for me. I keep doing the
same thing, so I'm gonna need it in the next day.
I want to go back, you know that whole up
and down. Let me let me just say this to you.
(37:36):
This is gonna sound weird. I love bread. Bread is
my friend. I love to smell it. I love to
heat it up and slop all pounds of butter on it.
I love love, blah blah blah blah blah bread. I
love it. Do you hear me? I walk a country
(37:59):
mouth for a p it's a hot bread. But back
in twenty sixteen, I had a rupture in my colon,
and they took out a piece of my colon and
they put me back together and left me with this
horrible scar on my belly. But I came home and
I was like forty pounds thinner, and I said, I
(38:23):
know it, I'll do. I'll eat bread. So I ate
some bread, and that thing, girl, it took me down
to my knees. I was speaking in tongue and casting
out demons because that bread. So a few days later
I had some more bread. Same thing happened. I let
(38:47):
a few weeks go by, and I said, okay, let
me let me have I mean, a sandwich, a barn roll.
I can't do it. And finally I had to say
to myself, Yamla, you love bread. Bread is your friend,
but it's just not good for you. And in that moment,
(39:11):
I had to make the choice, am I gonna spend
days on my knees casting out demons and speaking in
tongues because I love bread? Or am I gonna let
the bread go? So when I go to a restaurant
and they put it on the table, I have to say, y'amla,
that's not good for you. Now go on and eat it.
(39:32):
If you want to, but it's not good for you.
You love it, but it's not good for you, And
sometimes you just have to do that. You have to
train yourself to say, you know, I love this. It
gives me this or that, or it's comfortable, it's familiar,
it's it's easy, but it's not good for me, and
(39:54):
then you govern yourself accordingly. Now every now and then,
I wi have a piece of bread, I have a sandwich,
but I've learned to take my papaya enzymes first so
I don't have to fall all the way on my knees.
I only have to go halfway, right, Can you hear me?
(40:22):
You may love him, but it's not good for you
right now, and you don't have to leave today. Make
your exit strategy, because the truth is you can't leave
until you can stay. You really can't leave until you
can stay. Until you can stay in the discomfort, stay
in the dysfunction, stay in the unhappiness without judging it
(40:44):
or making him wrong. Don't make him wrong. It's just
not good for you. And you are the only one
who gets to say what goes on in your life. Yes, ma'am,
thank you so much for that. I really needed to
come and take your time, don't rush yourself, and again,
choose for you. Make a choice, not a decision, and
(41:07):
don't make him wrong in the process. Don't make him wrong.
It's just not I can't make bread wrong. Bread is wonderful,
all kinds of bread, hot bread, white bread, brown bread,
Italian bread, French bread. I can't make bread wrong. It's
just not good for me. Okay, tell me what you
(41:30):
know now that you didn't know when you call me today.
I'm not fulfilled in a relationship. So yeah, I know
a lot more than I knew before I call. I'm
and the madam is always hernaged a little bit either.
They're not listening to Yeah, she's a liar. You are
(41:54):
gonna be just fine. Take your time, take your time.
Eight years is a long time, and don't think that
you waste the time. You've grown, you've learned, And right
out of your mouth, you said to me, we're not
the same people, so dare to be different and let
me know how you make out. Okay, thank you so much.
I appreciate you. Thank you, thank you you to my love.
(42:18):
Bye bye. You know, sometimes it's it's not easy to
talk about some realities in life. And one of the
realities it's hard for me to talk about with women
is how the madam will lie to you should a liar. Now,
if you want to stay, you've got to be willing
(42:41):
to fight, but you got to know how to fight.
Fight isn't doing war and doing battle. Fight is standing
up for yourself within yourself and setting some real clear
parameters and boundaries and require firements in the relationship. And
(43:05):
one of the reasons it's hard for us to leave
a relationship is because we don't know what our deal
breakers are. There's some things that you just gotta know
you're not gonna put up with. And if that deal
gets broken, there has to be a consequence, and that
consequence may be leaving and maybe staying under different circumstances
(43:27):
of situations. But it ain't gonna be easy, but it
can be done. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
And if you have a question about this or any
other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
seven five three zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now
(43:48):
be sure to follow me on social media for all
of the calling times and until then, stay in peace
not peace. The r Spot is a production of Shondaland
Audio in partnership with I heart Radio. For more podcasts
from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or
(44:12):
wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I Ami Amlah. I had a baby daddy relationship. I
spent time in a relationship with a married man. I
had to learn the skills and tools required to make
my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot,
a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Listen.
(00:39):
Leaving isn't easy. I just want you to know that
leaving a relationship isn't easy. Maybe maybe I had mentioned
once before, I just want to say again that leaving
a relationship, a loving, intimate relationship, it's not an easy
(01:01):
thing to do. It's not easy on any level, in
leaving any kind of relationship, but loveship or familyship or friendship,
it's not easy. But there are those times and situations
when it's absolutely necessary. But there's a process and there's
a way to do it. Sometimes you can't leave a
relationship right away. Sometimes you have to leave in stages.
(01:27):
I've mastered the art of leaving in stages, okay, and
you must understand your reasons for doing it. Leaving isn't easy,
but it can be done. Greetings beloved, Welcome to the
Our Spot and how may I support you today? What
is your relationship challenge the Lemma issue. First, I'd like
(01:50):
to say thank you for sharing your talents with me today.
I really appreciate you taking my call. Well, I appreciate
you calling, I said. The issue that I'm having today
is if marital issues with myself and my husband. We've
been married eighteen years now. We have two beautiful children
through adoption. It was a very long road to become parents,
(02:12):
and I thought all was well in our world until
about five years ago when he developed an emotional relationship
with a coworker. It happened to be during a very
stressful time in our life. My daughter was diagnosed to
some neurological differences, and I was very stressed out with work,
and so we just became disconnected and he found comfort
(02:37):
in the companionship with another woman. I don't believe that
there was a physical affair, but they were coworkers, so
I don't know that for sure. I thought we had
moved on from that, and then I had forgiven him
and we were working on a relationship when two months
ago I found out that he was communicating with a
(02:58):
woman who he'd connected with over Instagram and sending um
photos and videos back and forth. For a short period
of time before I found them. And so today I'm
very much struggling with what to do from this point forward,
knowing that we have two beautiful children that I love dearly.
(03:21):
I do love my husband. He has been different this
time around in that he's, you know, he's he's promising
to work on us and putting us first and repairing
the relationship. Um, he's decided to go to counseling to
find out, you know, the root cause of his insecurities
(03:41):
and things, and and I do see a lot of
effort on his apart my fears that I don't I
don't really know what my heart wants at this point,
whether that's move on or um, continue in the relationship
and try to make it work. I feel like I
owe that to our kids. But at the same time, UM,
you know, this is kind of the second time that
(04:02):
that I've really done just hurt so sadly. UM, and
I'm not sure if I can move on from that. Okay,
lots going on. Hey, yeah, yeah, So a couple of
things I heard you say. Is it that you don't
know what your heart wants or you're scared, afraid, hesitant
(04:28):
to say what your heart warts. I think it's a
combination of both. Um. I think I think I'm very
much afraid of all that I'll lose in dissolving our marriage,
such as UM, you know, family, stended family. After being
married for nineteen years now, I love his family dearly.
(04:50):
They've They've become as close to me as my own. Um.
His parents are the type of parents that I would
have always wanted. Um, My relationship with my own parents'
is a little bit more strained. But he also is
a good father, and if you're not married to him,
he'll stop being a good father. No. No, I don't
think you could stop being a good father. And if
(05:12):
you're not married to him, you can't have a relationship
with his parents. I think they would choose him over
a relationship with me. I think they would think that
that keeping ties with me might be not fair to him.
Are you a college graduate? I am. Did you take
psychic one on one in college? Oh? You didn't take
(05:34):
psychic one on one to be able to see what
other people are thinking? No? No? Oh, okay, because you
seem to be so focused on what other people will
think as opposed to asking questions. Yeah, I guess the
reason my thoughts were on that end, is that they
never reached out to me after they found the house
the first time around, and I wasn't their business, wasn't
(05:57):
wasn't their business? No, that's true. They can't be up
in your marriage. Did you reach out to them? No,
So you wanted them to come uninvited and unasked into
your marriage. Yeah? And what did you want them to
do when they got in the marriage. I guess I
just wanted them to know that they were there for me,
(06:19):
or that they would let me know that they were
there for me regardless of what happened. Well, you don't
know that they weren't because you didn't go as a
woman to another elder woman woman his mother and say, look,
I'm having this challenge with my husband, not with your son,
but I'm having this challenge with my husband. Okay, So
(06:42):
I want to ask you this question again. Is it
that you don't know what your heart wants? Or is
it that you're afraid to look at what your heart
wants because you're looking at the negative possibilities? What does
your heart want? And ask you what can you make happen?
(07:02):
But what does your heart want? Honestly? Yeah? Yeah, honestly,
no lie to me. I wish I could go back
in time to wear before the heart ache. And what
exactly is the heart ache and the broken trust? Yeah?
Seeking seeking companionship and friendship and emotional connection with someone
(07:30):
other than me. What does the story you tell yourself
about why he did that that wasn't enough? Yes? And
how old is that message in your brain? How old
is I'm not enough? When was the first time you
thought that? Oh gosh, childhood? Yeah? Yeah, this goes way back.
(07:52):
So this is what I'm hearing you say. And if
any of this doesn't land for you, just tell me
and will pick it apart. Hearing you say that you
were married, that you've been married to a man that
you love, and in your time of mothering attending to
your daughter in addition to work, in addition to your
(08:16):
own brushing your teeth and combing your hair, your husband
developed an emotional relationship with a woman. You're in dilemma
as to whether you can trust the man you love,
who's betrayed you twice, who's violated your trust twice. However,
(08:37):
competing with that is your fear of dissolving your marriage
and what that would mean to you. To your children,
what that would mean in terms of your relationships with
his family and under that you haven't really checked in
with yourself to know what your heart wants, other than
(08:59):
to go back in time time, which you know you
can't do. I want to offer you that what you
wanted your husband to get his stuff together and stop
this foolishness running around with other women, that's what you
really want. Would that be accurate? Absolutely? Oh? So why
can't you say that? So? I wonder what else you
(09:22):
don't say in your marriage from the fear and the
belief that you're not enough. We'll talk about that right
after this break. Welcome back to the OAR spot. Let's
get back to the conversation. I want to know how
(09:43):
you knew, how you found out about both the emotional
relationship and the online relationship. How did you find that out?
The first time? It was seeing his account on our
shared electronic device and encountering the mess where he's professing
his love to the person that this only circumstances were different,
(10:05):
That you know that they could be together, but understanding
why they couldn't, and that they would need to part ways,
but that he would forever love her, and that made
you feel? What did he hear? Your husband for professing
his love for another woman made you feel? What? This
(10:25):
completely utterly abandoned and rejected and as though I didn't
matter in our relationship at all. And when you confronted
him or confronted him about it, what did he say? Oh?
He tried to tell me that it meant absolutely nothing,
(10:46):
and of course I did not believe him. And how
did you heal that? How did you heal that betrayal,
that violation of trust, that broken commitment? How did you
heal that? I tried to work on myself. I tried
to um, I took up taekwondo, UM, I started being
(11:08):
a therapist. I really tried to focus on me. Um obviously,
you know, having thought that that my issues and my
depression during that time, but that I was the problem
and the the reason why he had disconnected. Okay, and then
in the second how far apart were these instances the
first emotional relationship? And yeah, approximately five years? Okay, five years?
(11:36):
Please got the five years itch we had that happened
to be up north with with friends of ours, the
kids play in a lake, and um and came upon it,
by surprise, came upon what um the well Uh, I'd
asked to borrow a stone and he made sure to
(11:56):
um close out all the apps before handing it to
which brought on suspicion on my part. And so then
I did go looking through the text messages to find something,
some sort of indication of what why why he seems
so suspicient before, you know, before handing over the phone.
(12:17):
And then I had found a text from an unknown
number saying, UM, you know, let's chat over WhatsApp. And
when I found the WhatsApp apps, then I found them
the dialogue and it had only been going on for
about a week, but um, that time was enough to
share some you know, not so um clean material and
(12:40):
um again you know, just was crushed. So you are
married to a man who you're disconnected from emotionally. I
guess you're married to a man who's betrayed you to us.
You're married to a man who's violated his commitment to
his vows, married to a man who disrespects and dishonors
(13:02):
himself because he's sneaking around with other woman. Women doesn't
have anything to do with you. It's about him. You're
married to a man who doesn't have integrity. You're married
to a man who is emotionally dishonest. Never mind what
he's done to you, Look at what he's done to
these other two women, those women. So this is the
(13:25):
man you want to stay married to? Is that what
I'm hearing you say? I don't know? Yeah, you do know.
Stop saying you don't know. You absolutely do know. It's
just that hearing it is a little shocking and horrifying. Yeah,
do you want to stay mad? See? See, here's the thing. Beloving.
(13:46):
Love is durable. Love is like teflon on iron. It
can endure, and it can be patient, and it can forgive,
and it can do all of that never fails. It's
trust that's fragile. And once trust is broken, it taints everything.
(14:10):
And sometimes because we love, we love out a habit
we think we are supposed to love or have to
love and do love no matter what. The question becomes,
do you want to remain married to a man you
cannot trust and a man who triggers up your core
belief that you're not enough? No, and you can heal
(14:33):
up I'm not enough. You can do the work and
you can uncover that, and you can heal that up.
That's not going to repair the trust between you and
a man who has no integrity, who is emotionally dishonest,
who doesn't honor commitments, who's betrayed your trust. You healing
(14:55):
your issue is not going to change that. So the
question becomes, do you want to stay married to a
man who behaves that way? And do you trust that
he'll get his stuff together? Because if you do, go
to counseling, get it handled and figure it out step
by step. But it's going to start with you being
honest with yourself about what the soup is that you're making.
(15:18):
Because this is a soup. You got all kinds of
stuff in here, his parents, your parents, you know, the love,
the habits, the attachments, the fears, anger, hurt, rejection, abandon
all of that's in the soup. Yeah, how tasty? Is it? Not? Very? No?
(15:42):
And I dare to say, and please forgive me if
I'm wrong. I'm willing to be wrong. What was the
consequence of him having this emotional relationship or him doing
it again with somebody else? What was the consequence? I
don't know other than yeah, why should he change? Why
(16:05):
should he change? There's no consequence to his behavior He'll
put up with you moping and poping and fussing and
cussin or whatever you do, and and cheating him bad,
putting him in a box by the stove for sixty days.
You can't see your naked for another thirty and then
you go right back to the same thing. So the
question becomes, do you want to fight for this marriage
(16:27):
with some real clear intentions and consequences, or do you
want to keep sucking on this a bit of soup.
I don't want to be I don't want to be
heartbroken again. I don't I don't want to him in
mistrust and living fear. You know. But you know, maybe
(16:51):
here from now, two years, three years, five years from now,
you know that I end up in the same exact
place I am today. Have you told him that that
I have? And what has his response been? He says
he takes every day one day at a time, focused
on the right things. He brought himself a bracelet that
(17:12):
says commitment on it. Did he buy you one? No,
he brought himself. Y'all should be wearing the same bracelet. Um.
So he said he was just going to take it
day by day, focusing on the right things. And making
intentions to prove to me just how much I matter
(17:34):
to him and how much he wants me in his life. Um,
but it's only been a few months, and my concern
is that over time, but that's you know, that's that'll
fall by the wayside, and you know, five years from
now we're left. You know, the things get back to
the old normal. It may it may not, but you've
(17:55):
given him all the power. What do you want? I
think that's the first question I asked you, what do
you want? See? When I was married, there are two
things that I didn't do. I put up with a lot.
I stayed in a marriage of domestic violence for nine years.
Nine years I put up with that. The two things
(18:17):
that you know just turned me into a Tasmanian devil.
One is cheating and one is messing with my money.
Do not mess with my money. I don't play that.
I don't care who you are. I'm going, I'm out.
I'm out. And unfortunately, so very often in marriages, we
(18:38):
go into these marriages and we don't have a deal breaker.
And when I counsel people into marriage, I set up
the deal breaker up front, because then there's no more
conversation this is the deal breaker. You break this deal,
I'm out. I don't care if it's ten years, twenty two,
eighty six. This is the deal breaker. So my question
(19:00):
to you would be, what is your deal breaker? It's
not a man who lies, because he's lied to you
and you're there. It's not a man who lives honorably
and with integrity because he's shown you that that's not
who he is. And yes, people make mistakes, and yes
people can change, but what is your role and responsibility
(19:22):
towards yourself in the process. Then he's done this and
there's no consequences, so why should he change? So you
know you're so worried about what you're gonna lose, imagine
what you're gonna gain. And I am not at all
counseling you out of your marriage and the fact I
want to support you in learning how to stay. But
(19:45):
you gotta have a deal breaker, and that's got to
be clear to you. You have to know what it is,
and you have to know why it is. You have
to communicate it to him with a clear consequence for
breaking the deal, because if you don't do that, it's
like if you don't have strong boundaries and strong walls.
(20:06):
You know, any old thing passing by can just drop in.
Sometimes when we face a life altering change, we dismiss it,
or deny it or resist it because we don't know
that we're enough to handle it. Are you enough for you?
With him or without him? Are you enough for you?
(20:29):
I need to work on that. Yeah. I need to
share my strength. I need to establish clear boundaries and
communicate them. You might want to tell him that, Okay,
you broke my heart and I don't trust you, and
(20:50):
you didn't buy me a commitment bracelet fool. So what
are you actually committed to? Your risk? Is that what
you committed to? Because obviously you ain't committed to me.
I'm glad you can laugh, because you know you gotta
(21:12):
find a humor into somebody's name. He's committed to his wrist.
He ain't committed to you. Yeah, So what, my beloved,
do you want to do? I need to prove that
I am strong. I need to prove to myself that
I am powerful, not prove. Believe, not prove, because in
(21:33):
order to get proof, you need external validation. You need
to believe that you are strong. You need to believe
that you are enough. You need to believe that you
are powerful. Okay, and stop lying to yourself saying you
don't know what you want. You absolutely do know what
you want. You want your marriage to work, but you
want your marriage to work with integrity and with honor
(21:56):
and with respect and with love and with gentleness and kindness.
And if you can get laid every now and then
that'll be good too. You don't want to be in
a marriage with a man who's sending his pictures to
his We needed somebody on them. What app Oh no,
what's your What the hell I want? And you can
(22:23):
let him know. I'm willing to fight for this marriage,
but I'm not willing to fight for the marriage to
a man who has no integrity and who dishonors himself,
because you can't honor me if you're dishonoring yourself. And
if you're not willing to fight like that, you know,
and I say fight, meaning you know, stand up for
(22:44):
your marriage. If you're not willing to fight like that,
then make your exit plan. You don't have to leave tomorrow,
but that's what I would do. I'm from Brooklyn. I
don't know where you live. The Midwest. Oh yeah, that's
what's wrong with that's what's wrong with you. You out
(23:07):
there at La La Land are from the hard, cold city. Baby.
Wait a minute, and here's what I want you to know.
It's okay that you've been there. It's okay. It's okay
that you've been sad and hurt and embarrassed and afraid.
That's okay. Just don't buy real estate there. Okay, you're
(23:31):
gonna be just fine. Stay in touch with your heart. Okay,
that's quiet time, listening, journaling, ask her what she knows
to be true. Get clear about your deal breakers and
what the consequence of each one of them is. Get
clear about that and be willing to enact your consequences
(23:53):
as a sign of respect that you can trust yourself
and take your power back from him. Take your power back, okay,
and knowing that you are enough, you'll be good either
way it goes you let me know, okay. I will
thank you, ma'am. Okay, all right, my love, have a
(24:14):
blessed day. All right, God bless you always, except thank you,
bye bye. Leaving a relationship is not the same as
leaving because this or that happened. Leaving a relationship is
always a choice. It's a choice to do what's best
(24:38):
and right for you. Because staying in a relationship because
of what the other person may or may not do.
Leaving a relationship because of what a person has or
has not done, that's never gonna work. Staying or leaving
has to be the right choice for you because you
(25:02):
are the only one who gets to say what goes
on in your life after the break. Will come back
with my second caller, who has a similar issue, but
for a very different reason. Welcome back. I am y'all
(25:25):
len this is the our spot. Usually when people ask
me should I leave? I sense that they know they should,
They just don't know how. So they stay. They stay
for a variety of reasons. They stay because it's comfortable
thet stay before, because it's familiar, They stay because it's
(25:45):
a habit. They stay because they take the little good
parts and try to blow them up big enough to
make the relationship work. It's not gonna work. Just listen.
Good to new, my beloved. Thank you for your patience
and welcome to the our spot. How can I serve
support assists move with you through your relationship dilemma today?
(26:11):
Thank you for having me. I'm just so blessed with
this opportunity. My question is I've been in a relationship
now for off and on for eight years, and during
the eight years, we've been through a lot. And during
that time, I went to therapy, and I've done any
of management. I've done a few things to try to
better myself. And so I mean, now we're at the
(26:34):
point where we're not the same people anymore, and I
don't know if it's something that I should continue to
fight for and pursue or is it something that is
now time for us to kind of dissolve and go
our sepul Okay, so let me ask you a question.
After eight years and all that you've been through, is
(26:56):
this something that you should pursue or something that you
should leasing go your separate way. I don't know, absolutely,
you do know through our relationship, I want to pursue
us being together. I don't want to release it, Okay,
So stay it. Sometimes staying feels it though it doesn't
align with who I am, But I know there's no
(27:19):
one out there it's going to be perfect. So even
if I release it and move on, I feel steel
fight with you know, it's gonna be someone else that's
not gonna be perfect, And how do you just know
when it's time to fight and to stay. No, it's
just not perfect. Well, after eight years, if it ain't
(27:41):
what you want, it's probably time to move on. But
I didn't know you were pursuing perfection because that's a
that is a wasted effort. Yeah, it's all perfect. It's
all the way it needs to be for you to
learn what you need to learn. But you fell in
love with somebody and you're not that person anymore, and
(28:04):
neither is he that person. So it sounds to me
like you're staying out of habit familiarity and comfortability. And
is that what you want? Habit familiar You know? Grandma
used to say, better the devil you know than the
one you don't know. I'll go with the one I
(28:24):
don't know because that might be a little exciting. But
after eight years therapy and anger management, clear acknowledgement that
you're not who you used to be, what is the
question this time ago? Yes, you know, here's the question
(28:46):
Rather than should you go? The real question is why
would you want to stay? Because that's where the issue is.
The issue is not in leaving. The issue is what
am I pursuing here? And can I get it. The
issue is if I stay, what am I staying in?
(29:07):
Because I heard you say you've been on and off right,
So rather than looking at the difficulty in leaving, I
would look at the benefit of staying or the difficulty
in staying, because that may be where the problem is.
So if you stay, what are you staying in a
(29:27):
relationship that's familiar to me? Being in comfort? Yeah, it
is a lot easier. Oh, it's so familiar. Change's uncomfortable
and I don't like. Yeah, staying in a relationship that's comfortable,
staying in a relationship that's familiar, staying in a relationship
(29:50):
that's easy to accommodate and tolerate the dysfunction or the
lack of fulfillment or whatever. Um, you know, staying in
a relationship out of habit, staying in a relationship out
of fear that you find the same thing somewhere else,
(30:11):
as opposed to staying in a relationship or getting out
of a relationship with excitement that now you know what
you don't want? You know, yeah, and when you have
it's a blend of family. So you know, my friend
is a part of this, and I, yeah, I don't
(30:31):
want to go back and forth, and I don't want
to stay in it just you know, just because so
I want to you know, s an example for him
as well. So it's just it's a lot in it,
and yeah, I gotta make Yeah, well, you are setting
an example for him how to be unhappy, how to
accommodate what you don't want, how to how to be unfulfilled,
(30:54):
how to do how to accept less than you want
or deserve or desire setting an example for him? If
that if he so, I know, I've told you I've
went through therapy and I've done those things, and it
was something that he wants he wants to try at
this point, like I want to. I'm telling you this
(31:18):
because that's another reason why I thought about saying again,
which because now he's wanting to try and get better.
But um, I think or would you agree with me,
that it's best to kind of let him go off
and do his own thing and and see what if
it comes back around. So let me ask you this,
for you and who you are and what you want
(31:39):
to feel and how you want to be, is it
best to stick around and see how therapy turns out
for him? Or is it best for you to go
off and maybe see if it comes back around. Probably
best that I go off. The reason I'm asking you
these questions is because I get a sense that you know,
(32:02):
but you're afraid. I get a sense that you know,
and that you are willing to diminish yourself by acting
like you don't know. I I put everyone else before
what YE know. He's feelings and how he would feel
and how he's going to take it is probably over
(32:22):
my feelings. And yeah, that's a problem. But yeah, here's
something that you that you may want to consider. And
this is going to sound very strange. See, the most
powerful thing that you have going for you is your choice.
(32:45):
Choice is your power. Now you can make a fear
based choice, you can make the choice of least resistance.
You can make a powerful choice. You can make a
self serve supportive, self loving choice. Those are all different
kinds of choices that you make. And what happens very
(33:07):
often is that we traumatize ourselves by what we think
will happen as an outcome of our choices, and then
we just don't choose. But by not choosing, you're making
a choice. So you're not making a choice for the
relationship you're making a choice for you. Can you hear
(33:31):
what I'm saying? I absolutely do. Yeah, that's a lot
that's that was needed. And you're so right because when
you know, you know, I know, and I'm aware of
these things, but kind of hard to pull the trigger
in it. You go back and forth, so sometimes you
just kind of you didn't look at it in a
different way. Oh are you are you happy in this relationship? Yes?
(33:55):
Or no? No? Okay? Are you peaceful in this relationship?
Are you fulfilled in this relationship? Are you sexually satisfied
in this relationship that I am? Oh? Okay, So we
(34:17):
got one thing. This is an important question. If you're
sexually satisfied, why aren't you fulfilled and peaceful? Why are
you giving yourself or sharing yourself with someone that doesn't
fulfill you and someone that you're not at peace with
(34:37):
could just fulfilled for that one area, that the intimacy part,
But it's not fulfilled mine. It doesn't fulfil me as
a person. So yeah, let me just say this to you.
The madam will lie to you. She'll lie, she'll say,
Oh it's good, you can do it for a little while, glad,
just one more time, come on. It's good God. The
(34:58):
madam will lie to you, so you have to tell
her shut the hell up, because when you get up
from here, you got a whole bunch of other stuff
that you don't want to deal with. Shut the matter up,
shut up. He will lie to you. Okay, she'll tell you.
(35:22):
Oh you can, you can do it, goad, It's all right,
just for this is one more time. Come on, come on,
see it ain't that bad. And then you get up
and you're like, what in the blazing but Jesus am
I doing in this mess? Yeah? Yeah, shut her up?
And the cycles continue, and then you're blinded to all
the other things for just a little bit. Yeah, the
(35:45):
same cycle. Not you are I am on it. I am, yeah,
I am. Thank you for that. I am blinded to that. Yeah,
but I won't see things clearly there. I'm giving them
hope and excuses all over again. And yeah, because the
madam is lying, do you she's lying. She's a liar.
(36:09):
Oh ma, thank you so much for that point. I
don't remember anything else about this. Listen. It takes very
little to make her happy, very little to make her happy. Okay,
a little, a little whatever, you know so much more
(36:31):
to me than that. Mmmm. And if I chose to, yeah,
(36:52):
just alve this relationship and the greeting process and the
you know, the grieving process. Well, why does it have
to be a breathing process? Why why can't it be?
This is gonna be hurt. It's gonna hurt me. I'm
gonna be very hurt. So what I never heard nobody
cry theirself to death? No, no. But then one day
(37:15):
I'm like, okay, it's a change. Yeah, it's a roller coast. Okay,
I'm okay today, But tomorrow I'm and be hurting this.
It's gonna be tough for me. I keep doing the
same thing, so I'm gonna need it in the next day.
I want to go back, you know that whole up
and down. Let me let me just say this to you.
(37:36):
This is gonna sound weird. I love bread. Bread is
my friend. I love to smell it. I love to
heat it up and slop all pounds of butter on it.
I love love, blah blah blah blah blah bread. I
love it. Do you hear me? I walk a country
(37:59):
mouth for a p it's a hot bread. But back
in twenty sixteen, I had a rupture in my colon,
and they took out a piece of my colon and
they put me back together and left me with this
horrible scar on my belly. But I came home and
I was like forty pounds thinner, and I said, I
(38:23):
know it, I'll do. I'll eat bread. So I ate
some bread, and that thing, girl, it took me down
to my knees. I was speaking in tongue and casting
out demons because that bread. So a few days later
I had some more bread. Same thing happened. I let
(38:47):
a few weeks go by, and I said, okay, let
me let me have I mean, a sandwich, a barn roll.
I can't do it. And finally I had to say
to myself, Yamla, you love bread. Bread is your friend,
but it's just not good for you. And in that moment,
(39:11):
I had to make the choice, am I gonna spend
days on my knees casting out demons and speaking in
tongues because I love bread? Or am I gonna let
the bread go? So when I go to a restaurant
and they put it on the table, I have to say, y'amla,
that's not good for you. Now go on and eat it.
(39:32):
If you want to, but it's not good for you.
You love it, but it's not good for you, And
sometimes you just have to do that. You have to
train yourself to say, you know, I love this. It
gives me this or that, or it's comfortable, it's familiar,
it's it's easy, but it's not good for me, and
(39:54):
then you govern yourself accordingly. Now every now and then,
I wi have a piece of bread, I have a sandwich,
but I've learned to take my papaya enzymes first so
I don't have to fall all the way on my knees.
I only have to go halfway, right, Can you hear me?
(40:22):
You may love him, but it's not good for you
right now, and you don't have to leave today. Make
your exit strategy, because the truth is you can't leave
until you can stay. You really can't leave until you
can stay. Until you can stay in the discomfort, stay
in the dysfunction, stay in the unhappiness without judging it
(40:44):
or making him wrong. Don't make him wrong. It's just
not good for you. And you are the only one
who gets to say what goes on in your life. Yes, ma'am,
thank you so much for that. I really needed to
come and take your time, don't rush yourself, and again,
choose for you. Make a choice, not a decision, and
(41:07):
don't make him wrong in the process. Don't make him wrong.
It's just not I can't make bread wrong. Bread is wonderful,
all kinds of bread, hot bread, white bread, brown bread,
Italian bread, French bread. I can't make bread wrong. It's
just not good for me. Okay, tell me what you
(41:30):
know now that you didn't know when you call me today.
I'm not fulfilled in a relationship. So yeah, I know
a lot more than I knew before I call. I'm
and the madam is always hernaged a little bit either.
They're not listening to Yeah, she's a liar. You are
(41:54):
gonna be just fine. Take your time, take your time.
Eight years is a long time, and don't think that
you waste the time. You've grown, you've learned, And right
out of your mouth, you said to me, we're not
the same people, so dare to be different and let
me know how you make out. Okay, thank you so much.
I appreciate you. Thank you, thank you you to my love.
(42:18):
Bye bye. You know, sometimes it's it's not easy to
talk about some realities in life. And one of the
realities it's hard for me to talk about with women
is how the madam will lie to you should a liar. Now,
if you want to stay, you've got to be willing
(42:41):
to fight, but you got to know how to fight.
Fight isn't doing war and doing battle. Fight is standing
up for yourself within yourself and setting some real clear
parameters and boundaries and require firements in the relationship. And
(43:05):
one of the reasons it's hard for us to leave
a relationship is because we don't know what our deal
breakers are. There's some things that you just gotta know
you're not gonna put up with. And if that deal
gets broken, there has to be a consequence, and that
consequence may be leaving and maybe staying under different circumstances
(43:27):
of situations. But it ain't gonna be easy, but it
can be done. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
And if you have a question about this or any
other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
seven five three zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now
(43:48):
be sure to follow me on social media for all
of the calling times and until then, stay in peace
not peace. The r Spot is a production of Shondaland
Audio in partnership with I heart Radio. For more podcasts
from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or
(44:12):
wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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