November 9, 2022 • 36 mins
Iyanla classifies a relationship as lasting for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In this week’s episode, callers share stories of returning to a relationship for a second (or third, or fourth) time – something Iyanla calls “Double Dipping.” One caller continuously returns to a man who disappears from her life for long periods of time, while another caller believes second chances never work in romantic relationships as it’s only left her with a broken heart. Iyanla guides both callers to understanding the “reason for the season” in these recurring relationships.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. We look at all kinds of relationships,
love ships, family ships, sibling ships, and sometime the ship
sales and at other times it sinks. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
I Heart Radio. Today we're taking a closer look at
(00:39):
what I call double dipping. A double dipping where you
go into a relationship, you leave the relationship, and then
for some strange reason, you go back. Now, there's nothing
wrong with double dipping. If it doesn't work the first
time and healing and changes, awareness is unfold and you
(00:59):
go back and you do it again, well that's a
good thing. But if nothing changes, and it's just your
attachment or attraction to the person that makes you want
to dip your toe in that river again, well you
might have a problem. We're gonna talk about that today,
you know, because if you keep doing the same thing,
you're gonna keep getting the same results. But very often
(01:23):
we double dip because it's familiar. We'll go in and
out of a relationship, will double dip because it's comfortable.
I know you're ugly, you know my ugly. I know
your needs, you know my needs. I know how you fight,
You know how I fight, so I don't really have
to stretch and grow. But here's the piece, and this
(01:43):
is the piece I want to focus on today. As
I've said many many times, people come into our life
for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Now, if
you're double dipping in a seasonal relationship, meaning that person
just came into your life for a specific season, maybe
to lift you up, maybe to hold you up, maybe
to move you forward, whatever the season. When that season
(02:06):
is over, I don't care what you do. That relationship
is not gonna work. This season is over. The universal
purpose has been fulfilled. Then there are reasonal relationships that
means the person came into your life for a reason,
or you came into their life for a reason. There's
something you have to learn, there's something you have to heal,
(02:29):
there's something you have to grow within yourself. And if
you don't get that learning, that healing, if you don't
do that growing, the relationship may fall apart and then
come back together so that you can learn healing, grow.
That is very often the cause for double dipping. Maybe
(02:50):
now you're ready, or the other person's ready. Maybe now
you are willing or the other person is willing, or
maybe it's just your time. There are many the reasons
people double dip, and we're gonna talk about that today
right here on the art spot. So my first caller
is a double dipper, uh, repetitive double dipper. Let's see
(03:13):
what's going on here. Welcome to the art spot. How
may I serve support, assist you today? What is the challenge? Issue? Problem?
Maybe victory that's you're facing? Good morning. I have been
in a relationship for three years, on and off. We
(03:33):
connected because I am I'm an artist, I sing, I write.
He's an artist as well, and that's what keeps me
drawn to him. Um, that that deep connection and love
for music. However, when when as good as good, but
he tends to disappear, and Tom goes by and I
(03:55):
try to heal from his absence, and then he reappears,
and this has been a cycle. It's hard to let go.
But I'm really hurt by the cycle. Tell me what
you mean by he disappears? What does that mean he
will ghost me? Um, stop communicating with me and won't
(04:16):
respond to my outreaching. Wow. Yeah, now I'm old, So
forgive me when you say ghost because the ghost that
I know, float around with sheets on their heads. What
does that mean? He ghosts you literally disappears as if, um,
(04:38):
he was never there, and silence he gets silence, I
guess stone walls me and piece of communication. How long
does that usually last? That disconnection? How long does it last?
It can be weeks, months, most recently it was actually
a year and a half. So tell me what that
(05:00):
looks like. He comes over Tuesday, he's there, and then
he goes and you just don't hear anything. Yes, for um,
in the beginning, we were living together, Uh, he was
in my space. So I would literally come home and
everything will be gone. And what do you do? You
come home and your partner and all of his belongings
(05:22):
are gone. Walk me through that process? What do you do?
I'm shocked? Um, initially I was really really shocked. But
when it became a pattern, I'm I'm like, oh, he's
running again. I go through the motions of you know,
crying and journaling and writing my songs and trying to
release and hell, and then I tell myself, I see him, Um,
(05:44):
this is his pattern, this is what he does, and
I'm not gonna let him in again. And he'll he'll
come and bring flowers and roses and I'm sorry, and
because there's love there, I forgive, and the psycho continues love,
where is the love? Who's loving who? That was a song, right,
(06:05):
And I wonder who's loving who? When he leaves, who's
loving who? I'm loving him still, Um, I'm holding on
to the love that I have for him, hoping that
it will heal okay. And then when he comes back
with flowers and roses, who's loving who? I see it
(06:26):
as his way of showing his love in his way,
And I'm still here loving him completely and holy in
my way. So you're a cheap date. You can be
bought for some flowers and some roses. That is exactly
how I end up seeing it, And it just it
really does make me feel small. It does, it does
(06:49):
it should? Now what is the conversation about the experience?
So once he brings the flowers and the roses and
you'll make mad, passionate make up love, then what is
the conversation that you have about where he was and
where he's been. That's not a conversation that we have. Um.
(07:11):
I know, I know I deserve it, and I desire it,
and I I look at it as if he doesn't
have the words, he's not emotionally mature enough to articulate
why he has done what he's done. But the fact
that he's here says that now he's going to try
(07:33):
and do it the right way this time. Are you
sitting down? Yes, ma'am? I am. Are you Do you
have a tissue or roller toilet paper near you? I
probably need several rolls of toilet paper, yeah, because you
got some to clean up. Absolutely, I know it. Let
(07:54):
me ask you this, my beloved, what is your intention
for calling me today? You know I I literally told
one of my friends. I know from the inside out
what I what, it looks like, what I need, what
I deserve. But I need to hear an elder speak
into me and wake me up. I know what I
(08:15):
would say to a friend, but I need to hear
it from someone else. So clutch your pearls. But more
than clutch your pearls, I want you to take your
left hand and put it right on your belly, right
over your navel, because I want to speak into your
power center. I want these words to take root in
(08:38):
the center of your being so that they will grow
and blossom. M I want to share with you what
I've heard you say. I want you to take it in.
I want you to hear it in your belly. If
(09:00):
we're lucky, your vomit m and if we're not, then
we know that those seeds are simply germinating and they'll
grow later on. You sound young to me. You sound beautiful.
You sound sweet and almost naive. You sound like a
(09:25):
fatherless daughter. To me, I could be very wrong. You
also sound dumb as hell, but I know that's not
the truth about you. So I want to speak to
that sweet, beautiful, talented, gifted, powerful young woman perhaps who
(09:52):
was healing a wound of being daddy less. I heard
you say that you have been and in a three
year on an off relationship with another artist who you
allowed to worship in your temple, meaning live in your
space and be intimate with your body temple, who, without
(10:18):
reason or explanation, makes the choice at various intervals and
time to disconnect from you without explanation or justification, causing
you a great deal of emotional pain, conflict, and turmoil
(10:41):
that you process within yourself, with yourself and maybe with
a sister friend or two, trying to understand why you
have allowed yourself to be dishonored, disrespected again, Why you
don't matter enough to you to have clear boundaries and
(11:03):
to stop allowing yourself to be abused, violated, betrayed, and abandoned.
That's what makes me think it's a daddy pattern. I
could be wrong. And once you get yourself either on
equal footing or the part of you that knows he's
(11:23):
wrong for you, the part of you that knows he's
gonna hurt you, the part of you that thinks you
have to prove yourself worthy of love, the part of
you that thinks you're unimportant, the part of you that
believes that you cannot have what you want, that part
of you that still wants him, lets him back in. Yeah,
(11:46):
And why you don't have enough respect for yourself to
have a conversation with this individual, Set clear boundaries with
this individual, create concert quences for the violation of those boundaries,
and then execute the consequences when necessary. That you dishonored, disrespect, abandoned, neglect,
(12:14):
and abuse yourself enough to allow this to occur over
and over and over. So please don't talk to me
about him. This is not about him. You are it tag,
You're it it is you. So take a breath and
go back in there and share with me what you
(12:34):
heard me say about you. We'll be right back. Welcome
back to the our spot. We are going to continue
our conversation about double dipping. What is it that lets
you dishonored, disrespect, abuse, violate, betray and abandon yourself? Repeatedly? Mhm?
(13:03):
What is it? Well? You mentioned that it sounds as
if there are daddy issues. Um, maybe slightly, not so much.
It's more self esteem, I believe, and for some reason
feeling as if I should extend more grace and love
(13:27):
and forgiveness to others, even though I know that I
need to and I am worthy of honor and respect.
Where did you learn that? Where did you learn that
you have to expect stand more grace and forgiveness and
whatever whatever to others than to yourself? Where did you
learn that? I believe that's my Christian roots and the
(13:50):
way that that religious mindset and the the indoctrination of
forgiveness has has been rooted in me. It's one thing
to extend forgiveness off for forgiveness. It's another thing to
experience it. Because when you experience forgiveness, you don't stick
stick your foot back in the same bowl again, you
(14:12):
do it differently. And so the sharp edges of religious
and doctrination sometimes cut us two pieces. Yes, And when
I say sharp edges, I mean the things that were
given to do, the things that were told with no
real explanation or understanding. So I'm to understand that your
(14:35):
father was in the house, and I understanding that correctly.
He wasn't there. He wasn't um. But there is a
relationship there. There's always been a relationship, but it's just
been long distance. Yeah, long distance. Just like your boyfriend.
He goes and comes, you see him sometimes. Hello, Ah,
(14:59):
so learned behavior. M What else did you hear me
say about you that there are some now you to say,
I completely agree. I've said that about myself as well.
Did you hear me say how you have betrayed yourself?
Did you hear me say how you are actively dishonoring
and disrespecting yourself. Did you hear me say how you
(15:23):
are actively abusing yourself? Yeah? So this lovely being has
come into your life to show you what it is
you are willing to do to yourself has nothing to
do with him. Nothing you are it. It is you,
(15:47):
ye showing you what you do to yourself beloved. And
it's a pattern, it's a pathology. This is double dipping,
going back and forth, back and forth, recreating the relationship
with your father, and you call it love. That's not love.
That's happened. Mm hmm. Now when he leaves, you're loving him.
(16:12):
You're loving him for leaving you. You're loving him for
betraying your trust. You're loving him for violating your confidence. No,
I I just love him because I I do, and
I feel I should. I love grits. I don't eat
him every day. I love grits, the more butter, the better,
(16:38):
But I don't eat him every day. Yeah, I want
you to hear this. Clearly, you have re created your
pattern with your father, and your work is about healing
that pattern, about healing that pattern so that you can
create a relationship with a man who will duro, which
(17:02):
means stay put, stay put. This doesn't mean your father
is a bad person, doesn't mean he did anything wrong.
I don't know what the circumstances are. I don't need
to know the story. What I need to know, what
what I need you to understand and recognize is that
(17:22):
you developed a pattern of being in loving relationship. You see,
you couldn't stop loving your daddy because he didn't leave you.
He probably left your mother in the process. You developed
a long distance relationship with him, and that's what you're
doing with this man. You're developing the same kind of
relationship because that's your pathology, that's what you know and understand.
(17:46):
But you can have a man that stays put. And
you don't have to stop loving this man. You don't
have to stop loving him. You just get to choose
how you're going to be in relationship with him. He
can come back with a bushel of fly hours and
six goats and a and a jaguar. He can't get
in your bed no more. And you have to make
(18:07):
that decision because when daddy was gone for two weeks,
three weeks, a month, or whatever it was, when he
came back, he was still your daddy. That boy ain't
your daddy. He don't get that privilege to come and
go like he want. And then you loving the man
who's emotionally immature and don't have words. Florence Nightingale, what
(18:28):
you're trying to do heal him, fix him, because a
little girl wants to feel in hell her daddy, so
he'll be around more double dipping, double dipping because you
haven't gotten a lesson someone to ask you. Are you
willing to love yourself enough to say no to something
that hurts you? I desire to, I want to and
(18:51):
I need to. Well, you have to, you have to
choose it. Yeah, So let me ask you this one
last question. What are you going to do differently when
he does attempt to contact me. I'm not going to respond,
and I will I will reach out to my father.
That's what I'll do. Okay, Let's let me coach you
on that for a minute, because you just set up
(19:13):
some against us. I'm not going to respond. Yes, you
are going to respond. You're going to respond differently and
in a way that supports you. When he reaches out again,
you're going to choose to let it go and you're
going to reach out to your father to support the
(19:34):
little girl in you and taking the next most appropriate
steps towards her healing. This ain't about Freddie. It's you, Boom.
You are it. It is you, So don't say you're
not going to respond. You are going to respond. You're
gonna make a powerful choice to love, honor, and support
(19:54):
yourself and your healing. Does that make sense? It does?
That's that's better. Okay, Okay, alright, my love, good luck
to you. Give me a calling about six months if
you've heard from him and let me know how you're doing. Okay,
I shall thank you. Amen, Amen, and a woman. Okay,
(20:20):
my darling. Okay, thank you so much. Bye, Thank you
for calling, and continue to listen to the art spot.
My caller's case is where a lifetime relationship created a
pattern of belief and expectation in the consciousness that she
(20:42):
continued to live out in her adult relationships. The call
also spoke to a reasonabal relationship Freddie was in her
life for a reason, which was to point out to
her to bring to her awareness the pattern that she
had developed, the expectation she held about love and being loved.
(21:07):
And so very often we don't slow down long enough
to get in touch with our feelings, to really examine
what we're doing. And like she said, she's been taught
that it's more important to give grace and forgiveness and
understanding to other people than it is to give that
(21:27):
to yourself. But I have a different philosophy. It is you.
You are it. It's all about you in your life
and whether you're double dipping or you know, bed hopping
or moaning and complaining about not having nowhere to hop
or nowhere to dip, it's all about you, beautiful, beautiful
(21:51):
call if you can see or identify yourself in that,
do the work. Are you ready? Are you willing? Are
you choose yourself over the pattern? Double dipping? It always
has some interesting twist to it. And I've got another
caller who probably has another twist when we come back.
(22:20):
Welcome back to the our spot, and we're welcoming my
second caller for today, a conversation that I think many
of you will really gain a lot from. Let's listen,
Thank you, and welcome to the our Spot where we
talk about all things relationships. So what is the challenge, issue, problem,
(22:40):
dilemma that we're gonna talk about today, Well, thank you
and listening to you y'all, Thank you for having me on. Well,
I mean just double dipping, you know, going back into
a relationship I did. That was my last relationship and
the only thing I got out of part of it
was a broken heart. And um, you know I now
(23:05):
I'm of the opinion that when it comes to romantic relationships,
second chances don't work. Like if you broke up, if
you broke up the first time, it was for a reason.
And you know it's um because I mean there were
there were signs and stuff. But but my thing is,
my question now is how do I maintain a healthy,
(23:31):
open heart space. And you know, my heart is not
to be played with basically, but um, but I still
want to love and I'm still you know it. This
is my first, um, you know relationship. I was thirty six,
and you know, and I did a lot of work
on myself and then that that person came in. But
then you know, and you worked well until it didn't work.
(23:52):
I love the statement it worked well until it didn't. Yeah,
what was well about it? What was well about the
relationship that you double dipped in? What was well? You
know from the start, we just flowed. I I thought
they were my twin flame because because it was just
(24:15):
we we never argued. It was an easy relationship. It
was just great talk. It was my best friend. What
were the agreements that you all made to each other?
I mean, did you agree to be monogamous? But since
everything flowed, there was never really, you know, any need
(24:36):
almost for something you know, for for but of course
there's always need for boundaries like you know. But yeah, absolutely,
you sound a little like it was lucy goosey as
long as you said it worked, it worked well until
it didn't. But it worked well because it wasn't working
with anything, right, What were the expectation, what were the agreements,
(25:01):
what were the commitments? You see, when it's lucy goosey,
chances are the gander is laying eggs somewhere else, and
when I'm hearing here is a lot of lucy goosiness.
It was a strong bond, and that's what do you say.
It couldn't have been a strong bond if you didn't
have many agreements, commitments, boundaries or expectations. Stop telling yourself that,
(25:25):
go to the mirror and slap the first person that
shows up. Stop it. You are telling the story that
makes this thing palpable. Yeah, tell me what happened? How
did it end? Tell me what happened? Well? Is it
July of the year the pandemic, and we hadn't seen
(25:47):
each other, and then all of a sudden over the phone,
it was like this, I don't think I want to
be in this relationship, you know, and we haven't seen
each other, and I told him, I was like, okay,
well let's not make hars decisions. Let's let's wait six months,
you know. And UM they were kind of like, you know,
adamant and so so we we broke up in July,
(26:09):
and then in November I get this like four page letter,
you know, apologize me, prefers profusely and saying like they
love me, they want to you know, and they kind
of please give them a second chance. And I said,
you know, okay, I'll give you a second chance. And
then by May we went on our first trip to
(26:33):
um the Florida Keys, and UM I had a big blackout.
We were, you know, drinking, and that's one thing that
you know, just to speak clear. One thing that wonderful
that happened from the breakup was that I realized, um,
I had a problem with drinking and I have been, yes,
(26:55):
but I've been fourteen months sober. Um as we broke up,
he gave me that gift, a parting gift of sobriety.
And they ended up walking out and leaving me, you know,
in the middle of our vacation. Wow, you are on
a vacation and in the vacation he walked out, and
(27:17):
what did you do? They leave and I'm like, I
can't trust to be with someone who won't be there
in the morning, you know, won't be there taking What
about you? What about if the trust that was broken
was between you and you that you can't trust yourself
to make the right decisions. He made the decision to
(27:39):
take him back, right, What if you can't trust yourself
to make the right decision, that's what will close your heart? Yeah, yeah,
I think that. Yes, for me, relationships, whatever kind of relationship, friendship, loveship,
family ship, relationships are the play pass that we go
(28:01):
two grow to learn to heal. So you said you
own your part. So let me ask you this, What
did you learn about yourself in that relationship? What did
you learn about yourself? Yeah? Well, I learned that I
could love someone, that I could be intimate with someone,
(28:25):
because you know, before that it was just one night then.
So that's I think a big, big thing. It's like,
I know that I'm capable of love and being loved
because it was you know good, well it lasted and um,
it was good when you were under the influence yeah,
and that's one thing with with sobriety, and you know,
being in a top step program, it's like I have
(28:47):
a much better relationship with myself and with a higher power.
Are you open to this possibility? In my relationship with
Boo Boo, what I learned about myself is that I
had a drinking problem. Are you open to that? What
I learned in my relationship with Boo Boo is that
I can love when I'm under the influence, that I
(29:11):
can be intimate when I'm under the influence. Did you
learn that? Because that's definitely a prerequisites for a bunch
of one night stands, good, excellent? You learned that that
has nothing to do with him. That's you. And when
you double dipped, when you went back into it, you
(29:33):
were looking to be loved, you were looking to be
intimate under the influence. But then came the big growing spurt.
What did you? How did you grow in that relationship
with Boo Boo? It's real simple. I stopped drinking. I
(29:53):
grew in my sobriety, and that a good thing. It's
a beautiful thing. Okay, I grew in my sobriety. So
the way I grew in my relationship with Boo Boo
was I grew in my sobriety by not drinking to
stop numbing myself. Because what that says to me is
(30:16):
that somewhere in your history or childhood, your early days,
that loving hurt. Maybe you love people who left you
or abused you, or violated you or betrayed you. Loving hurt.
So in order for me to love and be intimate,
I've got to be under the influence of something, because
obviously I'm not making the right choices and decisions. Right.
(30:39):
Does that Does that fit? Yes? So I'm not numbing
myself anymore. Yes, you you heal that need to to
numb yourself in order to be loved, because now you
have sober friends who love you just because they people.
They're wonderful people. I don't have to be numb to
(30:59):
receive of Yeah. So you learn something, you heal something,
and your grew in a way simply by double dipping
in this relationship with Boo Boo. It wasn't meant to
be forever. It was meant for your learning, your growing,
(31:20):
and your healing, which means that there was a reason
for the relationship because he was supporting you and numbing yourself.
He was supporting you and not creating clear boundaries. He
was supporting you and being in relationships that had no
agreements and no commitments and no spoken expectations. M M.
(31:40):
He was supporting you and making poor decisions that would
reinforce the fact that you can't trust yourself. He was
supporting you, and him leaving woke you the hell up. No,
I would never have gotten sober without that double right,
(32:02):
look at that. Bless him, thank him, and let his
ask go. Just remember this, who you are today does
not want him the sober you on step number nine.
He ain't the one. Yeah. I know that you did
(32:27):
make the right decision because someplace in your soul you
were ready to heal, and he was the tool that
God used to push you into sobriety. Hallelujah. Yeah. Well,
if you ever see him again, tell him I said,
thank you. Listen, give me give me a call in
(32:52):
about three months, let me know how you're doing. Okay.
You should be on step twelve by then, give me
a call. I want to know how you're doing okay.
All right, Thank you so much. I am thank you,
and please continue listening to the our spot. I will
listen to you okay, bye bye. A reason, a season
(33:14):
or a life time that was a reasonal relationship. There
were some things that she needed to see, some things
she needed to learn, some things she needed to grow through.
But the interesting part for me is how we in
the midst of our growing and our healing. I think
that we've got it figured out. And I always say
(33:36):
that self diagnosis is misdiagnosis. Self diagnosis is misdiagnosis because
if we knew what to do, we would have done it.
We have to be willing to walk through these hills
and valleys to get to the depth of our soul
and the healing that is required. And one of the powerful,
(34:01):
powerful purposes of a relationship is to drop us on
our head, face first in the valley of healing. We
hate it, we hate it, but life in the universe,
God Source Creator is so wonderful that it takes us
right into the very place that we need to be. Now,
(34:21):
we don't know why we're going in there, but we do.
You know, double dipping can work. There are people who
have separated and come apart. I have a very dear
friend who had a lover in high school or or
a boyfriend in high school. They both separated with their
separate way and married, had children. Thirty five years later
(34:43):
came back together. That was twenty five years ago. They
are still together. My Mama Si and Baba Sherman. They
are still together. So double dipping can work, but it
also serves a deeper purpose. Here's the key. If you're
double dipping and you keep getting the same response, you
(35:05):
have missed the point. But if you're double dipping and
that second dip or that third dip or that fourth
dip creates a massive change in your life, in your consciousness,
in your speaking, you're seeing your living. Then you've learned something,
(35:27):
You've grown something, you've healed something, which is what makes
double dipping purposeful. May not be fun, but it's purposeful.
I hope you've heard something today that you can use
in your life. I want to thank my guests for
their courage and sharing their story. I can hardly wait
to hear the good that's gonna come out of the
(35:49):
challenges they faced. And if you've got a challenge, issue, dilemma, problems,
situation with your lover, your sister, your brother, I want
to hear from you right here on the art spots
so be sure to listen for our call outs. In
the meantime, Stay in peace, not pieces, and I'll see
you next week. The R Spot is a production of
(36:17):
Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I am a Yamla. We look at all kinds of relationships,
love ships, family ships, sibling ships, and sometime the ship
sales and at other times it sinks. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
I Heart Radio. Today we're taking a closer look at
(00:39):
what I call double dipping. A double dipping where you
go into a relationship, you leave the relationship, and then
for some strange reason, you go back. Now, there's nothing
wrong with double dipping. If it doesn't work the first
time and healing and changes, awareness is unfold and you
(00:59):
go back and you do it again, well that's a
good thing. But if nothing changes, and it's just your
attachment or attraction to the person that makes you want
to dip your toe in that river again, well you
might have a problem. We're gonna talk about that today,
you know, because if you keep doing the same thing,
you're gonna keep getting the same results. But very often
(01:23):
we double dip because it's familiar. We'll go in and
out of a relationship, will double dip because it's comfortable.
I know you're ugly, you know my ugly. I know
your needs, you know my needs. I know how you fight,
You know how I fight, so I don't really have
to stretch and grow. But here's the piece, and this
(01:43):
is the piece I want to focus on today. As
I've said many many times, people come into our life
for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Now, if
you're double dipping in a seasonal relationship, meaning that person
just came into your life for a specific season, maybe
to lift you up, maybe to hold you up, maybe
to move you forward, whatever the season. When that season
(02:06):
is over, I don't care what you do. That relationship
is not gonna work. This season is over. The universal
purpose has been fulfilled. Then there are reasonal relationships that
means the person came into your life for a reason,
or you came into their life for a reason. There's
something you have to learn, there's something you have to heal,
(02:29):
there's something you have to grow within yourself. And if
you don't get that learning, that healing, if you don't
do that growing, the relationship may fall apart and then
come back together so that you can learn healing, grow.
That is very often the cause for double dipping. Maybe
(02:50):
now you're ready, or the other person's ready. Maybe now
you are willing or the other person is willing, or
maybe it's just your time. There are many the reasons
people double dip, and we're gonna talk about that today
right here on the art spot. So my first caller
is a double dipper, uh, repetitive double dipper. Let's see
(03:13):
what's going on here. Welcome to the art spot. How
may I serve support, assist you today? What is the challenge? Issue? Problem?
Maybe victory that's you're facing? Good morning. I have been
in a relationship for three years, on and off. We
(03:33):
connected because I am I'm an artist, I sing, I write.
He's an artist as well, and that's what keeps me
drawn to him. Um, that that deep connection and love
for music. However, when when as good as good, but
he tends to disappear, and Tom goes by and I
(03:55):
try to heal from his absence, and then he reappears,
and this has been a cycle. It's hard to let go.
But I'm really hurt by the cycle. Tell me what
you mean by he disappears? What does that mean he
will ghost me? Um, stop communicating with me and won't
(04:16):
respond to my outreaching. Wow. Yeah, now I'm old, So
forgive me when you say ghost because the ghost that
I know, float around with sheets on their heads. What
does that mean? He ghosts you literally disappears as if, um,
(04:38):
he was never there, and silence he gets silence, I
guess stone walls me and piece of communication. How long
does that usually last? That disconnection? How long does it last?
It can be weeks, months, most recently it was actually
a year and a half. So tell me what that
(05:00):
looks like. He comes over Tuesday, he's there, and then
he goes and you just don't hear anything. Yes, for um,
in the beginning, we were living together, Uh, he was
in my space. So I would literally come home and
everything will be gone. And what do you do? You
come home and your partner and all of his belongings
(05:22):
are gone. Walk me through that process? What do you do?
I'm shocked? Um, initially I was really really shocked. But
when it became a pattern, I'm I'm like, oh, he's
running again. I go through the motions of you know,
crying and journaling and writing my songs and trying to
release and hell, and then I tell myself, I see him, Um,
(05:44):
this is his pattern, this is what he does, and
I'm not gonna let him in again. And he'll he'll
come and bring flowers and roses and I'm sorry, and
because there's love there, I forgive, and the psycho continues love,
where is the love? Who's loving who? That was a song, right,
(06:05):
And I wonder who's loving who? When he leaves, who's
loving who? I'm loving him still, Um, I'm holding on
to the love that I have for him, hoping that
it will heal okay. And then when he comes back
with flowers and roses, who's loving who? I see it
(06:26):
as his way of showing his love in his way,
And I'm still here loving him completely and holy in
my way. So you're a cheap date. You can be
bought for some flowers and some roses. That is exactly
how I end up seeing it, And it just it
really does make me feel small. It does, it does
(06:49):
it should? Now what is the conversation about the experience?
So once he brings the flowers and the roses and
you'll make mad, passionate make up love, then what is
the conversation that you have about where he was and
where he's been. That's not a conversation that we have. Um.
(07:11):
I know, I know I deserve it, and I desire it,
and I I look at it as if he doesn't
have the words, he's not emotionally mature enough to articulate
why he has done what he's done. But the fact
that he's here says that now he's going to try
(07:33):
and do it the right way this time. Are you
sitting down? Yes, ma'am? I am. Are you Do you
have a tissue or roller toilet paper near you? I
probably need several rolls of toilet paper, yeah, because you
got some to clean up. Absolutely, I know it. Let
(07:54):
me ask you this, my beloved, what is your intention
for calling me today? You know I I literally told
one of my friends. I know from the inside out
what I what, it looks like, what I need, what
I deserve. But I need to hear an elder speak
into me and wake me up. I know what I
(08:15):
would say to a friend, but I need to hear
it from someone else. So clutch your pearls. But more
than clutch your pearls, I want you to take your
left hand and put it right on your belly, right
over your navel, because I want to speak into your
power center. I want these words to take root in
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the center of your being so that they will grow
and blossom. M I want to share with you what
I've heard you say. I want you to take it in.
I want you to hear it in your belly. If
(09:00):
we're lucky, your vomit m and if we're not, then
we know that those seeds are simply germinating and they'll
grow later on. You sound young to me. You sound beautiful.
You sound sweet and almost naive. You sound like a
(09:25):
fatherless daughter. To me, I could be very wrong. You
also sound dumb as hell, but I know that's not
the truth about you. So I want to speak to
that sweet, beautiful, talented, gifted, powerful young woman perhaps who
(09:52):
was healing a wound of being daddy less. I heard
you say that you have been and in a three
year on an off relationship with another artist who you
allowed to worship in your temple, meaning live in your
space and be intimate with your body temple, who, without
(10:18):
reason or explanation, makes the choice at various intervals and
time to disconnect from you without explanation or justification, causing
you a great deal of emotional pain, conflict, and turmoil
(10:41):
that you process within yourself, with yourself and maybe with
a sister friend or two, trying to understand why you
have allowed yourself to be dishonored, disrespected again, Why you
don't matter enough to you to have clear boundaries and
(11:03):
to stop allowing yourself to be abused, violated, betrayed, and abandoned.
That's what makes me think it's a daddy pattern. I
could be wrong. And once you get yourself either on
equal footing or the part of you that knows he's
(11:23):
wrong for you, the part of you that knows he's
gonna hurt you, the part of you that thinks you
have to prove yourself worthy of love, the part of
you that thinks you're unimportant, the part of you that
believes that you cannot have what you want, that part
of you that still wants him, lets him back in. Yeah,
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And why you don't have enough respect for yourself to
have a conversation with this individual, Set clear boundaries with
this individual, create concert quences for the violation of those boundaries,
and then execute the consequences when necessary. That you dishonored, disrespect, abandoned, neglect,
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and abuse yourself enough to allow this to occur over
and over and over. So please don't talk to me
about him. This is not about him. You are it tag,
You're it it is you. So take a breath and
go back in there and share with me what you
(12:34):
heard me say about you. We'll be right back. Welcome
back to the our spot. We are going to continue
our conversation about double dipping. What is it that lets
you dishonored, disrespect, abuse, violate, betray and abandon yourself? Repeatedly? Mhm?
(13:03):
What is it? Well? You mentioned that it sounds as
if there are daddy issues. Um, maybe slightly, not so much.
It's more self esteem, I believe, and for some reason
feeling as if I should extend more grace and love
(13:27):
and forgiveness to others, even though I know that I
need to and I am worthy of honor and respect.
Where did you learn that? Where did you learn that
you have to expect stand more grace and forgiveness and
whatever whatever to others than to yourself? Where did you
learn that? I believe that's my Christian roots and the
(13:50):
way that that religious mindset and the the indoctrination of
forgiveness has has been rooted in me. It's one thing
to extend forgiveness off for forgiveness. It's another thing to
experience it. Because when you experience forgiveness, you don't stick
stick your foot back in the same bowl again, you
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do it differently. And so the sharp edges of religious
and doctrination sometimes cut us two pieces. Yes, And when
I say sharp edges, I mean the things that were
given to do, the things that were told with no
real explanation or understanding. So I'm to understand that your
(14:35):
father was in the house, and I understanding that correctly.
He wasn't there. He wasn't um. But there is a
relationship there. There's always been a relationship, but it's just
been long distance. Yeah, long distance. Just like your boyfriend.
He goes and comes, you see him sometimes. Hello, Ah,
(14:59):
so learned behavior. M What else did you hear me
say about you that there are some now you to say,
I completely agree. I've said that about myself as well.
Did you hear me say how you have betrayed yourself?
Did you hear me say how you are actively dishonoring
and disrespecting yourself. Did you hear me say how you
(15:23):
are actively abusing yourself? Yeah? So this lovely being has
come into your life to show you what it is
you are willing to do to yourself has nothing to
do with him. Nothing you are it. It is you,
(15:47):
ye showing you what you do to yourself beloved. And
it's a pattern, it's a pathology. This is double dipping,
going back and forth, back and forth, recreating the relationship
with your father, and you call it love. That's not love.
That's happened. Mm hmm. Now when he leaves, you're loving him.
(16:12):
You're loving him for leaving you. You're loving him for
betraying your trust. You're loving him for violating your confidence. No,
I I just love him because I I do, and
I feel I should. I love grits. I don't eat
him every day. I love grits, the more butter, the better,
(16:38):
But I don't eat him every day. Yeah, I want
you to hear this. Clearly, you have re created your
pattern with your father, and your work is about healing
that pattern, about healing that pattern so that you can
create a relationship with a man who will duro, which
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means stay put, stay put. This doesn't mean your father
is a bad person, doesn't mean he did anything wrong.
I don't know what the circumstances are. I don't need
to know the story. What I need to know, what
what I need you to understand and recognize is that
(17:22):
you developed a pattern of being in loving relationship. You see,
you couldn't stop loving your daddy because he didn't leave you.
He probably left your mother in the process. You developed
a long distance relationship with him, and that's what you're
doing with this man. You're developing the same kind of
relationship because that's your pathology, that's what you know and understand.
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But you can have a man that stays put. And
you don't have to stop loving this man. You don't
have to stop loving him. You just get to choose
how you're going to be in relationship with him. He
can come back with a bushel of fly hours and
six goats and a and a jaguar. He can't get
in your bed no more. And you have to make
(18:07):
that decision because when daddy was gone for two weeks,
three weeks, a month, or whatever it was, when he
came back, he was still your daddy. That boy ain't
your daddy. He don't get that privilege to come and
go like he want. And then you loving the man
who's emotionally immature and don't have words. Florence Nightingale, what
(18:28):
you're trying to do heal him, fix him, because a
little girl wants to feel in hell her daddy, so
he'll be around more double dipping, double dipping because you
haven't gotten a lesson someone to ask you. Are you
willing to love yourself enough to say no to something
that hurts you? I desire to, I want to and
(18:51):
I need to. Well, you have to, you have to
choose it. Yeah, So let me ask you this one
last question. What are you going to do differently when
he does attempt to contact me. I'm not going to respond,
and I will I will reach out to my father.
That's what I'll do. Okay, Let's let me coach you
on that for a minute, because you just set up
(19:13):
some against us. I'm not going to respond. Yes, you
are going to respond. You're going to respond differently and
in a way that supports you. When he reaches out again,
you're going to choose to let it go and you're
going to reach out to your father to support the
(19:34):
little girl in you and taking the next most appropriate
steps towards her healing. This ain't about Freddie. It's you, Boom.
You are it. It is you, So don't say you're
not going to respond. You are going to respond. You're
gonna make a powerful choice to love, honor, and support
(19:54):
yourself and your healing. Does that make sense? It does?
That's that's better. Okay, Okay, alright, my love, good luck
to you. Give me a calling about six months if
you've heard from him and let me know how you're doing. Okay,
I shall thank you. Amen, Amen, and a woman. Okay,
(20:20):
my darling. Okay, thank you so much. Bye, Thank you
for calling, and continue to listen to the art spot.
My caller's case is where a lifetime relationship created a
pattern of belief and expectation in the consciousness that she
(20:42):
continued to live out in her adult relationships. The call
also spoke to a reasonabal relationship Freddie was in her
life for a reason, which was to point out to
her to bring to her awareness the pattern that she
had developed, the expectation she held about love and being loved.
(21:07):
And so very often we don't slow down long enough
to get in touch with our feelings, to really examine
what we're doing. And like she said, she's been taught
that it's more important to give grace and forgiveness and
understanding to other people than it is to give that
(21:27):
to yourself. But I have a different philosophy. It is you.
You are it. It's all about you in your life
and whether you're double dipping or you know, bed hopping
or moaning and complaining about not having nowhere to hop
or nowhere to dip, it's all about you, beautiful, beautiful
(21:51):
call if you can see or identify yourself in that,
do the work. Are you ready? Are you willing? Are
you choose yourself over the pattern? Double dipping? It always
has some interesting twist to it. And I've got another
caller who probably has another twist when we come back.
(22:20):
Welcome back to the our spot, and we're welcoming my
second caller for today, a conversation that I think many
of you will really gain a lot from. Let's listen,
Thank you, and welcome to the our Spot where we
talk about all things relationships. So what is the challenge, issue, problem,
(22:40):
dilemma that we're gonna talk about today, Well, thank you
and listening to you y'all, Thank you for having me on. Well,
I mean just double dipping, you know, going back into
a relationship I did. That was my last relationship and
the only thing I got out of part of it
was a broken heart. And um, you know I now
(23:05):
I'm of the opinion that when it comes to romantic relationships,
second chances don't work. Like if you broke up, if
you broke up the first time, it was for a reason.
And you know it's um because I mean there were
there were signs and stuff. But but my thing is,
my question now is how do I maintain a healthy,
(23:31):
open heart space. And you know, my heart is not
to be played with basically, but um, but I still
want to love and I'm still you know it. This
is my first, um, you know relationship. I was thirty six,
and you know, and I did a lot of work
on myself and then that that person came in. But
then you know, and you worked well until it didn't work.
(23:52):
I love the statement it worked well until it didn't. Yeah,
what was well about it? What was well about the
relationship that you double dipped in? What was well? You
know from the start, we just flowed. I I thought
they were my twin flame because because it was just
(24:15):
we we never argued. It was an easy relationship. It
was just great talk. It was my best friend. What
were the agreements that you all made to each other?
I mean, did you agree to be monogamous? But since
everything flowed, there was never really, you know, any need
(24:36):
almost for something you know, for for but of course
there's always need for boundaries like you know. But yeah, absolutely,
you sound a little like it was lucy goosey as
long as you said it worked, it worked well until
it didn't. But it worked well because it wasn't working
with anything, right, What were the expectation, what were the agreements,
(25:01):
what were the commitments? You see, when it's lucy goosey,
chances are the gander is laying eggs somewhere else, and
when I'm hearing here is a lot of lucy goosiness.
It was a strong bond, and that's what do you say.
It couldn't have been a strong bond if you didn't
have many agreements, commitments, boundaries or expectations. Stop telling yourself that,
(25:25):
go to the mirror and slap the first person that
shows up. Stop it. You are telling the story that
makes this thing palpable. Yeah, tell me what happened? How
did it end? Tell me what happened? Well? Is it
July of the year the pandemic, and we hadn't seen
(25:47):
each other, and then all of a sudden over the phone,
it was like this, I don't think I want to
be in this relationship, you know, and we haven't seen
each other, and I told him, I was like, okay,
well let's not make hars decisions. Let's let's wait six months,
you know. And UM they were kind of like, you know,
adamant and so so we we broke up in July,
(26:09):
and then in November I get this like four page letter,
you know, apologize me, prefers profusely and saying like they
love me, they want to you know, and they kind
of please give them a second chance. And I said,
you know, okay, I'll give you a second chance. And
then by May we went on our first trip to
(26:33):
um the Florida Keys, and UM I had a big blackout.
We were, you know, drinking, and that's one thing that
you know, just to speak clear. One thing that wonderful
that happened from the breakup was that I realized, um,
I had a problem with drinking and I have been, yes,
(26:55):
but I've been fourteen months sober. Um as we broke up,
he gave me that gift, a parting gift of sobriety.
And they ended up walking out and leaving me, you know,
in the middle of our vacation. Wow, you are on
a vacation and in the vacation he walked out, and
(27:17):
what did you do? They leave and I'm like, I
can't trust to be with someone who won't be there
in the morning, you know, won't be there taking What
about you? What about if the trust that was broken
was between you and you that you can't trust yourself
to make the right decisions. He made the decision to
(27:39):
take him back, right, What if you can't trust yourself
to make the right decision, that's what will close your heart? Yeah, yeah,
I think that. Yes, for me, relationships, whatever kind of relationship, friendship, loveship,
family ship, relationships are the play pass that we go
(28:01):
two grow to learn to heal. So you said you
own your part. So let me ask you this, What
did you learn about yourself in that relationship? What did
you learn about yourself? Yeah? Well, I learned that I
could love someone, that I could be intimate with someone,
(28:25):
because you know, before that it was just one night then.
So that's I think a big, big thing. It's like,
I know that I'm capable of love and being loved
because it was you know good, well it lasted and um,
it was good when you were under the influence yeah,
and that's one thing with with sobriety, and you know,
being in a top step program, it's like I have
(28:47):
a much better relationship with myself and with a higher power.
Are you open to this possibility? In my relationship with
Boo Boo, what I learned about myself is that I
had a drinking problem. Are you open to that? What
I learned in my relationship with Boo Boo is that
I can love when I'm under the influence, that I
(29:11):
can be intimate when I'm under the influence. Did you
learn that? Because that's definitely a prerequisites for a bunch
of one night stands, good, excellent? You learned that that
has nothing to do with him. That's you. And when
you double dipped, when you went back into it, you
(29:33):
were looking to be loved, you were looking to be
intimate under the influence. But then came the big growing spurt.
What did you? How did you grow in that relationship
with Boo Boo? It's real simple. I stopped drinking. I
(29:53):
grew in my sobriety, and that a good thing. It's
a beautiful thing. Okay, I grew in my sobriety. So
the way I grew in my relationship with Boo Boo
was I grew in my sobriety by not drinking to
stop numbing myself. Because what that says to me is
(30:16):
that somewhere in your history or childhood, your early days,
that loving hurt. Maybe you love people who left you
or abused you, or violated you or betrayed you. Loving hurt.
So in order for me to love and be intimate,
I've got to be under the influence of something, because
obviously I'm not making the right choices and decisions. Right.
(30:39):
Does that Does that fit? Yes? So I'm not numbing
myself anymore. Yes, you you heal that need to to
numb yourself in order to be loved, because now you
have sober friends who love you just because they people.
They're wonderful people. I don't have to be numb to
(30:59):
receive of Yeah. So you learn something, you heal something,
and your grew in a way simply by double dipping
in this relationship with Boo Boo. It wasn't meant to
be forever. It was meant for your learning, your growing,
(31:20):
and your healing, which means that there was a reason
for the relationship because he was supporting you and numbing yourself.
He was supporting you and not creating clear boundaries. He
was supporting you and being in relationships that had no
agreements and no commitments and no spoken expectations. M M.
(31:40):
He was supporting you and making poor decisions that would
reinforce the fact that you can't trust yourself. He was
supporting you, and him leaving woke you the hell up. No,
I would never have gotten sober without that double right,
(32:02):
look at that. Bless him, thank him, and let his
ask go. Just remember this, who you are today does
not want him the sober you on step number nine.
He ain't the one. Yeah. I know that you did
(32:27):
make the right decision because someplace in your soul you
were ready to heal, and he was the tool that
God used to push you into sobriety. Hallelujah. Yeah. Well,
if you ever see him again, tell him I said,
thank you. Listen, give me give me a call in
(32:52):
about three months, let me know how you're doing. Okay.
You should be on step twelve by then, give me
a call. I want to know how you're doing okay.
All right, Thank you so much. I am thank you,
and please continue listening to the our spot. I will
listen to you okay, bye bye. A reason, a season
(33:14):
or a life time that was a reasonal relationship. There
were some things that she needed to see, some things
she needed to learn, some things she needed to grow through.
But the interesting part for me is how we in
the midst of our growing and our healing. I think
that we've got it figured out. And I always say
(33:36):
that self diagnosis is misdiagnosis. Self diagnosis is misdiagnosis because
if we knew what to do, we would have done it.
We have to be willing to walk through these hills
and valleys to get to the depth of our soul
and the healing that is required. And one of the powerful,
(34:01):
powerful purposes of a relationship is to drop us on
our head, face first in the valley of healing. We
hate it, we hate it, but life in the universe,
God Source Creator is so wonderful that it takes us
right into the very place that we need to be. Now,
(34:21):
we don't know why we're going in there, but we do.
You know, double dipping can work. There are people who
have separated and come apart. I have a very dear
friend who had a lover in high school or or
a boyfriend in high school. They both separated with their
separate way and married, had children. Thirty five years later
(34:43):
came back together. That was twenty five years ago. They
are still together. My Mama Si and Baba Sherman. They
are still together. So double dipping can work, but it
also serves a deeper purpose. Here's the key. If you're
double dipping and you keep getting the same response, you
(35:05):
have missed the point. But if you're double dipping and
that second dip or that third dip or that fourth
dip creates a massive change in your life, in your consciousness,
in your speaking, you're seeing your living. Then you've learned something,
(35:27):
You've grown something, you've healed something, which is what makes
double dipping purposeful. May not be fun, but it's purposeful.
I hope you've heard something today that you can use
in your life. I want to thank my guests for
their courage and sharing their story. I can hardly wait
to hear the good that's gonna come out of the
(35:49):
challenges they faced. And if you've got a challenge, issue, dilemma, problems,
situation with your lover, your sister, your brother, I want
to hear from you right here on the art spots
so be sure to listen for our call outs. In
the meantime, Stay in peace, not pieces, and I'll see
you next week. The R Spot is a production of
(36:17):
Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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