April 10, 2024 • 40 mins
Iyanla is taking a deep dive into self-respect and self-value. So when two callers join to share their own negative images of themselves, Iyanla tells them to “shut up that inner critic!” Each caller explores themselves with Iyanla to find what’s holding them back from self appreciation.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:36):
Welcome to the art Spot, the place we come to
talk about relationships, all kinds of relationships. I am your facilitator,
your host, your guide through this conversation. I am Yamla,
so so so grateful to be here with you today
(00:58):
as we delve into a very important conversation, a very
important relationship, and that is the relationship you are having
with yourself, The relationship you are having with you. Is
it an intimate relationship? Is it a loving relationship? Is
(01:18):
it a friendship? Is it a friend of meeship? You know,
so very often in our lives, we're so busy trying
to heal or establish or create relationships outside of ourselves
that we totally ignore the relationship we're having with ourself.
How we see ourselves, how we hold ourselves, how we
(01:41):
think about ourselves, what we believe about ourselves, how we
encourage or don't encourage, how we affirm or don't affirm,
how we judge or criticize, tear ourselves down. And the
challenge here is that it's happening from the insign out.
Doesn't happen from the outside. Outside stuff just adds to
(02:05):
what we're already doing. But it happens from the inside out.
And then what happens as a result of that is
that we attract people's circumstances, experiences, situations that validate what
it is we're doing to ourselves. And then we get
about the business of blaming the outside and never look within.
(02:29):
Begin within, Begin within, because that's where it all starts.
Here's my first calling readings. We love it and welcome
to the our spot. We today are looking at the
relationship we are having with ourselves. So tell me who
(02:50):
are you and how's your relationship?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Hi, thank you for taking my call. My name is Jade,
I'm twenty five years old and I'm calling from South Jersey.
My relationship with myself, I believe that it's nonexistent. I
believe that because I feel like right now my life
is unsettling. I can't seem to find a career that
(03:13):
seems to interest me. Once I get a job, I
never stay because I feel like it's I don't know,
like I just don't feel I don't know, it's just
sometimes I feel a little off. I'll be there for
a year and then leave and then can't decide what
to do. I just feel like I'm lost in direction.
And I have like a couple of friendships, but I
feel like I'm always expecting them to do something for me.
(03:35):
And one day I realized, like two weeks ago, like
why do I keep expecting people to do things for me?
That's when I knew that my relationship with myself isn't
really well.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
So who abandoned you? And when did that happen?
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Well, my dad wasn't there my whole life. He was
like in and out. He would come like sometimes I
was only raised by my mom.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
You mean like how you do jobs? Yep, yeah, there's
some time you came in and out. You mean, like
how you do job? Here's the good news, beloved. You're
twenty five.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Yeah you don't know.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Yeah, you will enter into your twenties, you know, floundering
a little bit. My question is how do you treat
yourself and how do you be with yourself? As a
result of feeling lost in direction or feeling unsettled. How
do you treat yourself?
Speaker 2 (04:34):
I believe I treat myself well, Okay, you know, whenever
I feel something, I sit with it and I try
to figure out what's causing it. Very attentative of like,
if there's something feels a little bit off with me,
I try to sit with myself and figure out what
it is. But I think I treat myself kind, you know.
I try to be there for myself as much as possible.
(04:54):
But I don't know if that's really it, if I'm
actually doing that.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yeah. So when you wake up and in the morning
and you think about Jade, what do you think about her?
Speaker 2 (05:03):
I think, well, I don't wow, Fun's well, I don't.
I just think about, Okay, what can I do today?
What needs to be done?
Speaker 1 (05:11):
So you're a doer, not a beer Do you like Jaya?
Do you like her?
Speaker 3 (05:16):
I do like Jade.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
I'm just trying to figure.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Out who I am at twenty five. That's what you're
supposed to be doing.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Yeah, and I.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Assume I'm going to assess from your conversation that you're
not married and you have no children.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
No, not married, no children.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
No, Well, that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing,
finding yourself. You know, in this society, we want our
young people to know who they are and what they
want at the age of eighteen, but we haven't given
the amens to have an independent thought. We told them
what to do, what to wear, when they can come,
when they can go, who to talk to, who's not
(05:54):
to talk to, what to think, and then we send
them to college and say, Okay, what do you want
to be?
Speaker 3 (06:01):
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
I mean, tell me something you know about Jade and
what she wants to be.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Well, I know that I love to write. That's something
that seems to interest me. Whenever I have too much
going on in my mind, I just find a journal
and I just write it all out. That's what I
love to do.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
I love to write.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
And I sometimes write poetry, So that's something I love
to do.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Okay, and what else do you know about Jaye? Tell
me about her good quality.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
I'm definitely a kind hearted person.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (06:33):
If I'm around somebody and I care for them, I
love them, I would show it. I have no problem
with showing my care and love. It's never inquisitive.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
What else. So Jade loves to write, she's interested in writing,
She writes poetry. She's a kind hearted person who shares
and shows her love. You know, and at your age,
you are learning yourself. You are learning about yourself. Tell me, okay,
(07:03):
so we know she's kind and all of these kind
hearted writing, showing care, those are all doing. But in
the hours of the night, when you're alone with Jade,
what are her strengths.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
That's a great question. Well, I guess I don't know.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
See, that's how you measure your relationship with yourself, to
know your strengths. What are Jade's weaknesses? What are her challenges?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Weaknesses? It used to be trouble with speaking up for
myself whenever somebody disrespected me. That was a weakness, Like
my tongue would just be in a hat, like I
just would sit there. And I realized that gave me
anxiety and it maybe in it like it may be
upset angry at sometimes because if I'll say I'll say
that I'm going to do something and I'll start it
(07:55):
but never finished. So I have a problem with finishing things.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Commitment, commitment, yes, completion, And you're and It's interesting because
doing things comes from our masculine side. So doing things
to completion is a masculine because feminine is being you
know how you feel doing is killing. And when you
(08:21):
say that your dad was in and out, he didn't
complete his commitment to you. So that's just the trait
that you've inherited, or a trait that you've picked up
watching the masculine energies in your life.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Yeah, so at your age, your relationship with yourself really
wouldn't be that strong because you're still getting to know yourself.
You're still getting to know. Okay, you do have a
relationship with yourself that may not be strong yet, and
that relationship really is about you. Putting Jade first is
(09:00):
your first consideration. Understanding what her values are, Understanding what
her strengths are, her weaknesses are, Understanding you know what
it is that she really desires.
Speaker 4 (09:14):
If you love to write, don't you write, what would
that writing look like? Because Jade likes that, she's probably
good at it, she wants to do it, So how
can you support her in getting that skill, that gift,
that talent.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Honestly, feel like it's fear that's holding me back from
wanting to do those things.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Instead of trying to get a degree. Let her focus
on what it is that she likes, because when you
have a good relationship with yourself, you find your genius zone.
Your genius zone is that thing that you're good at,
that thing that you love, that thing that rises you
above everything and everybody else. And then you focus there.
(09:57):
And again, you're twenty five, You don't you know yourself
like a forty year old would know themselves, right, because
you're still learning that. But when you come in saying
my relationship is non existing, my life is unsettled, I
don't have no direction. Well, because you're not paying attention
to what Jade is good at. Okay, give her a break.
(10:19):
You know, she's kind of me and she's tamed the
evil lip monster that used to take control of her tongue.
Got to watch that evil lip monster. You know, it'll
jump on your tongue and just wag it all over town. Yeah, yeah,
what is Do you know Jade's favorite color? Do you
(10:40):
know her favorite food? Do you know what makes her weep?
Do you know what makes her laugh?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (10:47):
I know all those things.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Okay, So why do you think you don't have a
good relationship with yourself, Miss twenty five year old.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
I don't know, because I guess the way I show
up in my friendships and then my last relationship, I
was expecting too much of the person I was like.
I feel like that was like me, you know, not
being there for myself.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
You're probably expecting too much of yourself at twenty five.
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
You've given yourself permission not to have kids, not to
(11:28):
be attached or deeply committed in a relationship. Right now,
this is your time. You know, there's a song by
what's her name, Kelly? I can't remember her last name.
See that's what you have to look forward to, Miss
twenty five year old, losing your memory. But I know
(11:50):
that about myself. Okay, it's my time to shine. You know,
learning the different aspects of you, learning your diva, learning
your prince says, learning your medicine woman, learning your elk,
you know, the queen, the hag, you know, different aspects
of you. Knowing all of those things about you doesn't
(12:12):
mean that you'll always like you or get along with you,
but you love you, you don't self in harm's way.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Yeah, and you may have.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
I heard you say that when something is pressing you
that you sit down and you write about it or
you process yourself through it. That's how you deal with conflict.
When you're in a relationship with somebody else, you deal
with conflict. You sit down and you talk about it.
I talk to myself. You put it in the journal,
so you know, pickup right, give yourself a break. And
(12:46):
this thing about expecting too much of people in relationships,
there's a distinction between expecting too much and attracting people
who can't give you what you desire.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I think you might be on the latter portion because
of some unresolved stuff with Daddy. You may be attracting
close or intimate relationships with people who continue to disappoint
you the way he did. Okay, have you resolved that
stuff with him yet?
Speaker 3 (13:19):
No?
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Because it never really bothered me when I was a
kid when he wasn't there. Oh that's what you think, Yeah,
that's how I felt like. I never missed him when
he wasn't there, but when he would come, it would
be you know, I would like to see him. But
if he would leave it in like I don't like, like,
I don't really like remember it bothering me?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Well, because children are very adaptable, But it's not the
conscious mind that we're concerned about. When we look at
your relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is going
to mirror the relationship you experienced between birth and five.
That's what it's going to mirror, because that's how you learn.
(14:02):
So you're telling me in and out, you're in and
out of job. You didn't know where he was or
what he was doing. Well, your life is unsettling and
you don't have no direction. That's a mirror beloving. Does
that make sense to you?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
It does make sense, yes.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
So what I would encourage you to do moving forward
is again give yourself the opportunity to let go of
the fact that you're twenty five and you feel unsettled,
or the fact that you may not have any direction,
but think about the things that Jade is good at
(14:39):
and focus there. What do you think a good relationship
with yourself would look like? What would that look like
and how would it feel?
Speaker 2 (14:48):
I guess just showing up for myself, just being there
for myself and like catering to myself learning how to
love myself. I'm hoping for it to feel good. I
feel peace, because that's what I've been wanting lately, is
to feel peace within myself and my life.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Well, I want to tell you a secret. Don't tell anybody.
It's okay.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Sometimes as children, when we have a very deep hurt
or deep break, because we don't have the cognitive development,
the intellectual development to deal with it, what we do
is we kind of leave home, meaning we leave our heart,
we leave our thoughts, we leave our feelings. We just
(15:32):
become what I call neck down dead, and we know
how to do and we go through the motions, but
we're just not present. The best way for you to
have a relationship with yourself is to just be present,
get in your body and feel what you feel. It
makes me nervous that you say it didn't really bother you,
(15:54):
that your dad wasn't there that bothered. That makes me
nervous because that tells me nobody's home. There is no
daughter that doesn't want her daddy. There just isn't. That
just doesn't happen. Right, Your soul is going to look
for both sides of your experience, both sides of your expression,
(16:17):
and in order to have a good relationship with yourself,
you want to know those things. Not daddy wasn't here
and he left me and blah blah blah, But who
is my father as a man and who is my
mother as a woman? And how do those things impact Jade? Oh?
Jay doesn't speak up just like her mom, or Jay
(16:41):
doesn't complete things just like Okay, So what does Jade
need to do today to live beyond those things? Does
that make sense to you?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yes? It does.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Those are the things that you want to learn about
yourself so that you can find your genius zone that's
your that override some of the programming that you inherited,
and really be present with who you are today. You've
got some time, but never again say you don't have
(17:13):
a relationship with yourself simply because you don't know what
career you want. Let's take floundering and make it discovery.
How's my relationship with myself? Well, I'm discovering all of
who I am, what I'm good at, what I'm not
good at, what I like, what I don't like, what
strengthens me? You know? And why attract these people that
(17:38):
can't give me what I think it is I need
and do I really need it from them? And how
can I give it to myself? So I don't have
to depend on anybody. You don't go into relationships like
a you need a transmission. You go into a relationship to,
you know, put some more spark plugs in the one
(17:59):
that you what you already had. Young. Oh poor thing.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
Well, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
I appreciate you, miss Jade. Take your time, learn who
you are, and you'll see that relationship will deepen.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Okay, okay, okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Thank you. I think that we push our young people
too fast. At twenty five, she thinks she's lost when
she really is just learning herself. She's growing that relationship
with herself growing and not even aware that. And I
(18:41):
could be wrong, you know, I'm always willing to be wrong,
but I think there's a severe disconnect going on there.
Anytime my daughter doesn't care that her daddy wasn't there,
that says that there's some uncovered stuff and it'll show
up in our relationships. And just to know how it
(19:02):
felt as little Jade not to have daddy there, to
have daddy come and go, And this is for anybody
you know, where is that feeling? Where are those thoughts
and how are they showing up in your life today?
It seems to me, for my last guess at showing
up in her way that she earns her living or
the way that she provides for herself in and out
(19:26):
of jobs not settled, which is a direct reflection of
her relationship with daddy, and it's going to impact her
relationship with herself. So it's important that we understand, not
get stuck in, not dwell upon, but that we understand
what did I see from the masculine side and the
(19:49):
feminine side from father, mother, or feminine caregiver, masculine caregiver
as a little person, because that is going to influence
our relationship ship with ourselves. Listen, we've got more to
talk about. Let's see what my next caller has to say. Greetings, beloved,
(20:10):
and welcome to the R Spot. Today we're talking about
your relationship with yourself. So how is your relationship with
you going?
Speaker 3 (20:19):
I'm doing good. So yeah, the other day when I
saw you posted your video about relationship with yourself, it
got me thinking. At first, I was like, yeah, my
relationship is really good actually, and then the more you talked,
and the more I thought about it, I'm like, actually,
(20:42):
maybe not so good as I thought, So I would
have to say, yeah, it definitely got me thinking more
and kind of feeling that I feel like really disconnected
relationship with myself lately and just kind of going through
(21:04):
the motions and kind of feeling lost in a way.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
Tell me about the disconnect. How are you experiencing that
I feel disconnected?
Speaker 3 (21:17):
I guess from showing a part of myself to the world,
Like when I go out and actually have to do
things and be in front of people, I guess I
feel like I'm putting on this happy face and that's
not really how I'm feeling on the inside.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
So in terms of your relationship with yourself, what that
says is that you honor or acknowledge your feelings because
you don't have to walk back to me. If you
wake up one day feeling ugly, that don't mean you
knock your teeth it out and you go out with
your hair and comb It just means that if you
(21:58):
have to honor what's going going on inside of you,
that is one way that you need work and grow
a good relationship with yourself. That's often a hidden message
that you may have received as a little person, that
my feelings don't matter.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
Yeah. Yeah, that was one of the things I was
thinking of too. Is I feel very unheard sometimes? Okay,
so that's funny you say that because I feel like, yeah,
sometimes it's my voice just gives.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Is that what you experienced as a little person, your
voice got overlooked?
Speaker 3 (22:39):
Yeah? I could. I could definitely see that. My parents
were going through a lot of things growing up, I think,
and I don't think they realize how that affected us
when we were little, me and my brother. Yeah, it
would often be very loud in the house, but not
our voice.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
So if I were to say to you, in your
relationship with yourself today, how you see yourself, how you
hold yourself, what you feel about yourself? If I were
to say to you, my voice matters, repeat that for me.
My voice matters.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
My voice matters. Do you believe that I do? I do.
I guess I just have become more guarded with my voice.
You have like, who deserves to hear what I have
to say?
Speaker 1 (23:33):
You judge? What what do you have to say?
Speaker 3 (23:36):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:37):
It's right, wrong, or indifferent. So that's not going to
grow a good relationship with you. That's self judgement. We'll
talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to
the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. They're
going to turn on me. I'm saying the wrong thing.
(23:59):
That's self judgment. Do you know you're inner critic? And
what is your critic's favorite line to you? Do you
know that?
Speaker 3 (24:07):
I mean the first thing that popped up was that
you're not good enough, not.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Good enough, Yeah, that's the critic.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
Yeah, you're not good enough.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Yeah, and therefore you're gonna do it wrong. Does that
sound going to do the wrong Yeah, stay the wrong.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Thing right right. I've turned to music to kind of
be my own voice, like to I feel like that's
my therapy for being able to say what I want
to say how I want to say it.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
So, what's your favorite song today?
Speaker 3 (24:45):
You know it just came out actually, I don't know
if you know Chloe and Haley, Yeah, the duo Haley
just put out a new song called in Your Hands.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
What do you like about that song?
Speaker 3 (24:57):
What I took from it was she's saying your hands,
you know, you have the whole world in your hands
with me in it is how it goes like with me,
you can do anything, okay.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
So that means your voice is in your hands. That
means your feelings are in your hands. That means what
you say is in your hands. That means you don't
have to worry about what somebody else is going to
think or say about what you do and whether it's
good enough or not good en. It's in your hands
right as you deep in your relationship with yourself, those
(25:32):
are the things that you want to remember because it
feels to me, and I could be very wrong, that
you're not current with yourself. You're still dealing with yourself
as the little person whose voice didn't matter, whose feelings
didn't matter, who had to hide their feelings because there
was a lot of noise going on. There's a lot
of noise in the world today, so you know that's
(25:53):
get triggered up really really easy.
Speaker 3 (25:55):
A few years ago, I felt so different. There's been
just a lot of life changing.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Somebody broke your heart.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
Would that be accurate, Yeah, yeah, that would be accurate.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Yeah, somebody to your heart, and now you all down
on yourself. What did you learn from that heartbreak?
Speaker 3 (26:16):
The main thing that I learned was I was giving.
I kept giving a lot and not receiving the same back.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
But just to be more careful with not just you know,
keep giving and giving and giving when you're not getting
barely anything back.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Okay, So listen, when you have a good relationship with yourself,
you take stuff like that and you turn it around you.
You don't make yourself wrong for it. A good relationship
with yourself means you always gonna win. So first of all,
that person, it's their loss. It's their loss. Oh you
(27:00):
didn't see how wonderful and marvelous impressions I am. Okay,
sorry for you, stupid, No, don't. You don't have to
say that, but you turn it around. Okay, so you
saundered your resources. Write that down. Okay, I have to
be mindful not to squander your resources. Get the awareness
(27:24):
for you, and then you can't do that if you're
looking at what the other person did. All right, let
me work on that. When you're growing a better relationship
with yourself, you take everything that happens and use it
as fuel in your tank. And if you're always looking
at the other person, you're going to get drained. I
(27:46):
gave and they didn't give. Why didn't they give? Me back.
So no, okay, I have a tendency to give too much.
Why am I giving too much? What was I give?
Speaker 3 (27:59):
Was?
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Is I giving to get? Or am I just a
giving person? If I'm just a giving person? Well, what
the hell, it doesn't matter what I get back?
Speaker 3 (28:08):
Right?
Speaker 1 (28:09):
When you were giving all of this, what were you
going for? What were you going for?
Speaker 3 (28:16):
Love?
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Okay? So you think that love about giving and getting.
Oh that's a good message. I have a belief that
I have to give something in order to get love.
Let me work on that. Let me work on that,
to give anything to get love. Because I am loved.
Love is in my hands. Ain't that what Chloe said
(28:38):
or Haley or whoever said it?
Speaker 3 (28:41):
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Love is in my hands. So I don't have to
give to get. What else were you going for? Were
you trying to prove your worth? Prove your value? So
what does that tell you? You're growing your relationship with yourself. Okay,
I may have to look at myself worth. I may
have to look at my self value and why I
think I have to prove my worth and value to
(29:05):
other people. Let me look at that. That's how you
build your relationship with yourself. And let's get clear about
what value and worth are, Okay, how you hold yourself
within yourself, how you hold yourself, how you think about yourself,
what you believe about yourself within yourself. So if we're
(29:28):
flushed from the place of I'm not good enough, well
we're gonna have some value issues. That's what your in
a critic is saying. See, if you were good they
would be giving you back what you're giving them. If
you were good enough, then you would be feeling better.
If you were good enough, you wouldn't have to prove
you got to prove who that's the inner critic, tell
(29:50):
that puppy to sit down and shut.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
Out right right.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Self value has nothing to do with anyone else. But
what self value value does is it determines your self worth. Now,
self worth is how you hold yourself within yourself and
what you expect from others as a result of how
you're holding yourself within yourself. So if your self as
(30:17):
I'm not good enough, then you're going to expect people
to demand more, require more, requests more so that you
can prove your value to them. And that's where the
giving more than you're getting comes from. I got to
prove my value. So I gotta gift in order to
get love. I got to prove that I am enough.
(30:37):
I got to prove that I'm worthy of their love,
their time, their energy, their attention. Yeah, so self value
and self work. Oh boy, imagine you would have never
learned those things about yourself if you hadn't had your
heart broken. Yeah, you don't sound impressed.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Me. I definitely can relate to all of that. It
all clicks and makes sense. I just I guess I'm
still still working on that, or still trying to let
that soak in because I feel like I'm a confident person,
or like I do feel like i'm uh, you know,
(31:22):
proud of myself in certain aspects, and you know, I'm
happy with the way I look and carry myself. But yeah,
I'm at the same time, it's still still a little wobbly.
I guess I'm still getting to learn who I am
and that Yeah, in a relationship, I guess with myself.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
And well, we all are. I'm twice your agent. It's
back and forth with me sometimes. But I find it
interesting that you thought your relationship with yourself was fine
and then you heard something that made you question it
and yet you say you're confident. You may hear things
(32:07):
you say, Oh okay, let me see how that applies
to me, but not let it destroy your whole relationship
with yourself because of something you heard.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
Right, right, You want.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
To start with self awareness. Here's some awarenesses that you
brought forth that I want to encourage you to hold
on to and maybe investigate a little more. Okay, you
have an inner critic, that's you think you're not good enough.
So even though you like the you look, that's external.
How does it feel when you're walking down the street? Well,
how does it feel when you like, as you said,
(32:41):
you're speaking out in front of people? If you're confident
not just in your looks, but in who you are
and not self awareness? Who are you? Who are you
in the late nine hours when nobody's around? Who are
you when you first wake up in the morning, in
your breath stinks? Who are you?
Speaker 3 (33:01):
Then?
Speaker 1 (33:02):
Do you like that person? Are you okay with that person?
Because it's not about what the world thinks, it's about
what you think. When you stand naked in front of
the mirror and you look at yourself, do you say,
oh my god, I need what? I need? Some help?
Or do you say, all right, we're gonna work on this.
And belly is looking a little strange there, and the
(33:22):
buddy's a little too much relationship with yourself. See I
take off my clothes and stand the mirror. I bust
out laughing like, oh God, what are you doing down there?
Get up? But I don't let that stop me from
(33:44):
sharing my voice or going for what I want, or
you know, standing firmly in who I am. And if
you find something that's a little shaky, don't beat yourself
up about it. What do I need to do to strengthen?
What do I need to do to stop myself from
giving more than I need, want or desire? What do
(34:07):
I need to do when I'm dressing nice or speaking
out or not speaking out? Because the belief is, the
criticism is I'm not good enough self awareness because you
cannot relationship with somebody you don't know right what set
you off? Do you know that? What will make you
(34:27):
act like a total plumb fool? Do you know what
that is?
Speaker 3 (34:34):
I don't.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Oh you need to know that that way, but you
can guard yourself, Okay? Do you know what makes you weep?
What will make you weep? No matter who's in the room.
Do you know that?
Speaker 3 (34:55):
Not really?
Speaker 1 (34:56):
You know you need to know that. See, for me,
it's abusive children. When I see children being treated badly,
I'm the first thing I'm gonna do. And then I'm
a weep because I was treated and so it choose
that for me.
Speaker 3 (35:13):
I see what you mean. Yeah, definitely, I mean that
would be for sure one of them.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
And you know what else makes me weep? And I
can't find Law and Order on it just I just
want to weep. I can't find an episode of the
original Law and Order. I can't yes the moment because
it was just not on anywhere. It was terrible. And
if you believe that you have a good relationship with you,
(35:39):
don't let anybody change that when something comes up and
you say, okay, well let me investigate that. All right.
I don't know what makes me. I don't know what's
gonna set me off. Oh okay, let me let me
pay attention. Let me just pay attention.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
Yeah, I like that for surely.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Here's one one way that you can really have a relationship,
grow a relationship, and deepen your relationship with yourself, And
that is what is your vision for your life? What
is your vision for your life and what is being
required of you to manifest that vision? Because that's going
(36:26):
to show you your strength, your weaknesses. It's going to
bring up the judge, the critic, and you just want
want to be aware of these things and then you
know how to work through them, with them, around them,
over them, listening to your voice as you pursue your vision.
Speaker 3 (36:43):
Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Do you know who you want to be at fifty?
You got fourteen years sixteen?
Speaker 3 (36:51):
Yes, I do. I guess it's constantly changing, like where
I thought I would be at my age now, but
I would be.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
A nurse all my life and I'm not a nurse.
I don't get to wear a white uniform because nurses
don't even wear white uniforms anymore. But okay, so the
vision shifted, but the ultimate experience has and I'm still
doing yealing work, just in another level.
Speaker 3 (37:16):
Yeah, thank you so much for that.
Speaker 5 (37:19):
Self awareness, self value, self worth, understanding how that critic
talks to you, and really moving towards your vision a
little bit at a time, day by day, allowing the
vision to pull you forward.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
That's how you're going to deepen your relationship with yourself.
Thank you for calling Okay.
Speaker 3 (37:40):
Of course, thank you.
Speaker 1 (37:44):
If I had to give five pillars or five steps
toward developing a relationship with yourself, they would be this,
come on, write this down. Number one, self respect, give
yourself the benefit of the doubt and know that you
(38:05):
are worthy of your own time, energy resources. That's number
one self respect. Number two self value, how you see
yourself and hold yourself within yourself. What you think about yourself,
what you feel about yourself, what you believe about yourself.
(38:28):
Being on the lookout always for that inner judge and
that inner critic that's going to tell you you're not enough,
you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, tell them things.
To shut the hell out, go somewhere in sit out,
and really build yourself value, because your self value leads
to your self worth. How you see yourself and hold
(38:50):
yourself within yourself. That determines what you expect from other people.
And so very often we have low self value, but
we're demanding, requesting, requiring big things from the world from
other people, but we don't even value ourselves enough to
know that we're worthy of having it. Self respect, self value,
(39:15):
self worth. Did I say that self respect, self value,
self worth. Self awareness. Hello, you got to know you're ugly,
know you're pretty, know you're crazy. You got to know
all of them things about yourself and how they impact
your value, your worth, and your respect. All right, so
(39:38):
self awareness. You may even want to put that first.
Self awareness. Do you value yourself or do you value
every thing and everyone other than you? I hope that
you know something now that you didn't know. When you're
tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace
(39:58):
and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:36):
Welcome to the art Spot, the place we come to
talk about relationships, all kinds of relationships. I am your facilitator,
your host, your guide through this conversation. I am Yamla,
so so so grateful to be here with you today
(00:58):
as we delve into a very important conversation, a very
important relationship, and that is the relationship you are having
with yourself, The relationship you are having with you. Is
it an intimate relationship? Is it a loving relationship? Is
(01:18):
it a friendship? Is it a friend of meeship? You know,
so very often in our lives, we're so busy trying
to heal or establish or create relationships outside of ourselves
that we totally ignore the relationship we're having with ourself.
How we see ourselves, how we hold ourselves, how we
(01:41):
think about ourselves, what we believe about ourselves, how we
encourage or don't encourage, how we affirm or don't affirm,
how we judge or criticize, tear ourselves down. And the
challenge here is that it's happening from the insign out.
Doesn't happen from the outside. Outside stuff just adds to
(02:05):
what we're already doing. But it happens from the inside out.
And then what happens as a result of that is
that we attract people's circumstances, experiences, situations that validate what
it is we're doing to ourselves. And then we get
about the business of blaming the outside and never look within.
(02:29):
Begin within, Begin within, because that's where it all starts.
Here's my first calling readings. We love it and welcome
to the our spot. We today are looking at the
relationship we are having with ourselves. So tell me who
(02:50):
are you and how's your relationship?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Hi, thank you for taking my call. My name is Jade,
I'm twenty five years old and I'm calling from South Jersey.
My relationship with myself, I believe that it's nonexistent. I
believe that because I feel like right now my life
is unsettling. I can't seem to find a career that
(03:13):
seems to interest me. Once I get a job, I
never stay because I feel like it's I don't know,
like I just don't feel I don't know, it's just
sometimes I feel a little off. I'll be there for
a year and then leave and then can't decide what
to do. I just feel like I'm lost in direction.
And I have like a couple of friendships, but I
feel like I'm always expecting them to do something for me.
(03:35):
And one day I realized, like two weeks ago, like
why do I keep expecting people to do things for me?
That's when I knew that my relationship with myself isn't
really well.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
So who abandoned you? And when did that happen?
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Well, my dad wasn't there my whole life. He was
like in and out. He would come like sometimes I
was only raised by my mom.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
You mean like how you do jobs? Yep, yeah, there's
some time you came in and out. You mean, like
how you do job? Here's the good news, beloved. You're
twenty five.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Yeah you don't know.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Yeah, you will enter into your twenties, you know, floundering
a little bit. My question is how do you treat
yourself and how do you be with yourself? As a
result of feeling lost in direction or feeling unsettled. How
do you treat yourself?
Speaker 2 (04:34):
I believe I treat myself well, Okay, you know, whenever
I feel something, I sit with it and I try
to figure out what's causing it. Very attentative of like,
if there's something feels a little bit off with me,
I try to sit with myself and figure out what
it is. But I think I treat myself kind, you know.
I try to be there for myself as much as possible.
(04:54):
But I don't know if that's really it, if I'm
actually doing that.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yeah. So when you wake up and in the morning
and you think about Jade, what do you think about her?
Speaker 2 (05:03):
I think, well, I don't wow, Fun's well, I don't.
I just think about, Okay, what can I do today?
What needs to be done?
Speaker 1 (05:11):
So you're a doer, not a beer Do you like Jaya?
Do you like her?
Speaker 3 (05:16):
I do like Jade.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
I'm just trying to figure.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Out who I am at twenty five. That's what you're
supposed to be doing.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Yeah, and I.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Assume I'm going to assess from your conversation that you're
not married and you have no children.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
No, not married, no children.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
No, Well, that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing,
finding yourself. You know, in this society, we want our
young people to know who they are and what they
want at the age of eighteen, but we haven't given
the amens to have an independent thought. We told them
what to do, what to wear, when they can come,
when they can go, who to talk to, who's not
(05:54):
to talk to, what to think, and then we send
them to college and say, Okay, what do you want
to be?
Speaker 3 (06:01):
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
I mean, tell me something you know about Jade and
what she wants to be.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Well, I know that I love to write. That's something
that seems to interest me. Whenever I have too much
going on in my mind, I just find a journal
and I just write it all out. That's what I
love to do.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
I love to write.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
And I sometimes write poetry, So that's something I love
to do.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Okay, and what else do you know about Jaye? Tell
me about her good quality.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
I'm definitely a kind hearted person.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (06:33):
If I'm around somebody and I care for them, I
love them, I would show it. I have no problem
with showing my care and love. It's never inquisitive.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
What else. So Jade loves to write, she's interested in writing,
She writes poetry. She's a kind hearted person who shares
and shows her love. You know, and at your age,
you are learning yourself. You are learning about yourself. Tell me, okay,
(07:03):
so we know she's kind and all of these kind
hearted writing, showing care, those are all doing. But in
the hours of the night, when you're alone with Jade,
what are her strengths.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
That's a great question. Well, I guess I don't know.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
See, that's how you measure your relationship with yourself, to
know your strengths. What are Jade's weaknesses? What are her challenges?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Weaknesses? It used to be trouble with speaking up for
myself whenever somebody disrespected me. That was a weakness, Like
my tongue would just be in a hat, like I
just would sit there. And I realized that gave me
anxiety and it maybe in it like it may be
upset angry at sometimes because if I'll say I'll say
that I'm going to do something and I'll start it
(07:55):
but never finished. So I have a problem with finishing things.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Commitment, commitment, yes, completion, And you're and It's interesting because
doing things comes from our masculine side. So doing things
to completion is a masculine because feminine is being you
know how you feel doing is killing. And when you
(08:21):
say that your dad was in and out, he didn't
complete his commitment to you. So that's just the trait
that you've inherited, or a trait that you've picked up
watching the masculine energies in your life.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Yeah, so at your age, your relationship with yourself really
wouldn't be that strong because you're still getting to know yourself.
You're still getting to know. Okay, you do have a
relationship with yourself that may not be strong yet, and
that relationship really is about you. Putting Jade first is
(09:00):
your first consideration. Understanding what her values are, Understanding what
her strengths are, her weaknesses are, Understanding you know what
it is that she really desires.
Speaker 4 (09:14):
If you love to write, don't you write, what would
that writing look like? Because Jade likes that, she's probably
good at it, she wants to do it, So how
can you support her in getting that skill, that gift,
that talent.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Honestly, feel like it's fear that's holding me back from
wanting to do those things.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Instead of trying to get a degree. Let her focus
on what it is that she likes, because when you
have a good relationship with yourself, you find your genius zone.
Your genius zone is that thing that you're good at,
that thing that you love, that thing that rises you
above everything and everybody else. And then you focus there.
(09:57):
And again, you're twenty five, You don't you know yourself
like a forty year old would know themselves, right, because
you're still learning that. But when you come in saying
my relationship is non existing, my life is unsettled, I
don't have no direction. Well, because you're not paying attention
to what Jade is good at. Okay, give her a break.
(10:19):
You know, she's kind of me and she's tamed the
evil lip monster that used to take control of her tongue.
Got to watch that evil lip monster. You know, it'll
jump on your tongue and just wag it all over town. Yeah, yeah,
what is Do you know Jade's favorite color? Do you
(10:40):
know her favorite food? Do you know what makes her weep?
Do you know what makes her laugh?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (10:47):
I know all those things.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Okay, So why do you think you don't have a
good relationship with yourself, Miss twenty five year old.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
I don't know, because I guess the way I show
up in my friendships and then my last relationship, I
was expecting too much of the person I was like.
I feel like that was like me, you know, not
being there for myself.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
You're probably expecting too much of yourself at twenty five.
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
You've given yourself permission not to have kids, not to
(11:28):
be attached or deeply committed in a relationship. Right now,
this is your time. You know, there's a song by
what's her name, Kelly? I can't remember her last name.
See that's what you have to look forward to, Miss
twenty five year old, losing your memory. But I know
(11:50):
that about myself. Okay, it's my time to shine. You know,
learning the different aspects of you, learning your diva, learning
your prince says, learning your medicine woman, learning your elk,
you know, the queen, the hag, you know, different aspects
of you. Knowing all of those things about you doesn't
(12:12):
mean that you'll always like you or get along with you,
but you love you, you don't self in harm's way.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Yeah, and you may have.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
I heard you say that when something is pressing you
that you sit down and you write about it or
you process yourself through it. That's how you deal with conflict.
When you're in a relationship with somebody else, you deal
with conflict. You sit down and you talk about it.
I talk to myself. You put it in the journal,
so you know, pickup right, give yourself a break. And
(12:46):
this thing about expecting too much of people in relationships,
there's a distinction between expecting too much and attracting people
who can't give you what you desire.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I think you might be on the latter portion because
of some unresolved stuff with Daddy. You may be attracting
close or intimate relationships with people who continue to disappoint
you the way he did. Okay, have you resolved that
stuff with him yet?
Speaker 3 (13:19):
No?
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Because it never really bothered me when I was a
kid when he wasn't there. Oh that's what you think, Yeah,
that's how I felt like. I never missed him when
he wasn't there, but when he would come, it would
be you know, I would like to see him. But
if he would leave it in like I don't like, like,
I don't really like remember it bothering me?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Well, because children are very adaptable, But it's not the
conscious mind that we're concerned about. When we look at
your relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is going
to mirror the relationship you experienced between birth and five.
That's what it's going to mirror, because that's how you learn.
(14:02):
So you're telling me in and out, you're in and
out of job. You didn't know where he was or
what he was doing. Well, your life is unsettling and
you don't have no direction. That's a mirror beloving. Does
that make sense to you?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
It does make sense, yes.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
So what I would encourage you to do moving forward
is again give yourself the opportunity to let go of
the fact that you're twenty five and you feel unsettled,
or the fact that you may not have any direction,
but think about the things that Jade is good at
(14:39):
and focus there. What do you think a good relationship
with yourself would look like? What would that look like
and how would it feel?
Speaker 2 (14:48):
I guess just showing up for myself, just being there
for myself and like catering to myself learning how to
love myself. I'm hoping for it to feel good. I
feel peace, because that's what I've been wanting lately, is
to feel peace within myself and my life.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Well, I want to tell you a secret. Don't tell anybody.
It's okay.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Sometimes as children, when we have a very deep hurt
or deep break, because we don't have the cognitive development,
the intellectual development to deal with it, what we do
is we kind of leave home, meaning we leave our heart,
we leave our thoughts, we leave our feelings. We just
(15:32):
become what I call neck down dead, and we know
how to do and we go through the motions, but
we're just not present. The best way for you to
have a relationship with yourself is to just be present,
get in your body and feel what you feel. It
makes me nervous that you say it didn't really bother you,
(15:54):
that your dad wasn't there that bothered. That makes me
nervous because that tells me nobody's home. There is no
daughter that doesn't want her daddy. There just isn't. That
just doesn't happen. Right, Your soul is going to look
for both sides of your experience, both sides of your expression,
(16:17):
and in order to have a good relationship with yourself,
you want to know those things. Not daddy wasn't here
and he left me and blah blah blah, But who
is my father as a man and who is my
mother as a woman? And how do those things impact Jade? Oh?
Jay doesn't speak up just like her mom, or Jay
(16:41):
doesn't complete things just like Okay, So what does Jade
need to do today to live beyond those things? Does
that make sense to you?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yes? It does.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Those are the things that you want to learn about
yourself so that you can find your genius zone that's
your that override some of the programming that you inherited,
and really be present with who you are today. You've
got some time, but never again say you don't have
(17:13):
a relationship with yourself simply because you don't know what
career you want. Let's take floundering and make it discovery.
How's my relationship with myself? Well, I'm discovering all of
who I am, what I'm good at, what I'm not
good at, what I like, what I don't like, what
strengthens me? You know? And why attract these people that
(17:38):
can't give me what I think it is I need
and do I really need it from them? And how
can I give it to myself? So I don't have
to depend on anybody. You don't go into relationships like
a you need a transmission. You go into a relationship to,
you know, put some more spark plugs in the one
(17:59):
that you what you already had. Young. Oh poor thing.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
Well, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
I appreciate you, miss Jade. Take your time, learn who
you are, and you'll see that relationship will deepen.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Okay, okay, okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Thank you. I think that we push our young people
too fast. At twenty five, she thinks she's lost when
she really is just learning herself. She's growing that relationship
with herself growing and not even aware that. And I
(18:41):
could be wrong, you know, I'm always willing to be wrong,
but I think there's a severe disconnect going on there.
Anytime my daughter doesn't care that her daddy wasn't there,
that says that there's some uncovered stuff and it'll show
up in our relationships. And just to know how it
(19:02):
felt as little Jade not to have daddy there, to
have daddy come and go, And this is for anybody
you know, where is that feeling? Where are those thoughts
and how are they showing up in your life today?
It seems to me, for my last guess at showing
up in her way that she earns her living or
the way that she provides for herself in and out
(19:26):
of jobs not settled, which is a direct reflection of
her relationship with daddy, and it's going to impact her
relationship with herself. So it's important that we understand, not
get stuck in, not dwell upon, but that we understand
what did I see from the masculine side and the
(19:49):
feminine side from father, mother, or feminine caregiver, masculine caregiver
as a little person, because that is going to influence
our relationship ship with ourselves. Listen, we've got more to
talk about. Let's see what my next caller has to say. Greetings, beloved,
(20:10):
and welcome to the R Spot. Today we're talking about
your relationship with yourself. So how is your relationship with
you going?
Speaker 3 (20:19):
I'm doing good. So yeah, the other day when I
saw you posted your video about relationship with yourself, it
got me thinking. At first, I was like, yeah, my
relationship is really good actually, and then the more you talked,
and the more I thought about it, I'm like, actually,
(20:42):
maybe not so good as I thought, So I would
have to say, yeah, it definitely got me thinking more
and kind of feeling that I feel like really disconnected
relationship with myself lately and just kind of going through
(21:04):
the motions and kind of feeling lost in a way.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
Tell me about the disconnect. How are you experiencing that
I feel disconnected?
Speaker 3 (21:17):
I guess from showing a part of myself to the world,
Like when I go out and actually have to do
things and be in front of people, I guess I
feel like I'm putting on this happy face and that's
not really how I'm feeling on the inside.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
So in terms of your relationship with yourself, what that
says is that you honor or acknowledge your feelings because
you don't have to walk back to me. If you
wake up one day feeling ugly, that don't mean you
knock your teeth it out and you go out with
your hair and comb It just means that if you
(21:58):
have to honor what's going going on inside of you,
that is one way that you need work and grow
a good relationship with yourself. That's often a hidden message
that you may have received as a little person, that
my feelings don't matter.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
Yeah. Yeah, that was one of the things I was
thinking of too. Is I feel very unheard sometimes? Okay,
so that's funny you say that because I feel like, yeah,
sometimes it's my voice just gives.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Is that what you experienced as a little person, your
voice got overlooked?
Speaker 3 (22:39):
Yeah? I could. I could definitely see that. My parents
were going through a lot of things growing up, I think,
and I don't think they realize how that affected us
when we were little, me and my brother. Yeah, it
would often be very loud in the house, but not
our voice.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
So if I were to say to you, in your
relationship with yourself today, how you see yourself, how you
hold yourself, what you feel about yourself? If I were
to say to you, my voice matters, repeat that for me.
My voice matters.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
My voice matters. Do you believe that I do? I do.
I guess I just have become more guarded with my voice.
You have like, who deserves to hear what I have
to say?
Speaker 1 (23:33):
You judge? What what do you have to say?
Speaker 3 (23:36):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:37):
It's right, wrong, or indifferent. So that's not going to
grow a good relationship with you. That's self judgement. We'll
talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to
the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. They're
going to turn on me. I'm saying the wrong thing.
(23:59):
That's self judgment. Do you know you're inner critic? And
what is your critic's favorite line to you? Do you
know that?
Speaker 3 (24:07):
I mean the first thing that popped up was that
you're not good enough, not.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Good enough, Yeah, that's the critic.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
Yeah, you're not good enough.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Yeah, and therefore you're gonna do it wrong. Does that
sound going to do the wrong Yeah, stay the wrong.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Thing right right. I've turned to music to kind of
be my own voice, like to I feel like that's
my therapy for being able to say what I want
to say how I want to say it.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
So, what's your favorite song today?
Speaker 3 (24:45):
You know it just came out actually, I don't know
if you know Chloe and Haley, Yeah, the duo Haley
just put out a new song called in Your Hands.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
What do you like about that song?
Speaker 3 (24:57):
What I took from it was she's saying your hands,
you know, you have the whole world in your hands
with me in it is how it goes like with me,
you can do anything, okay.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
So that means your voice is in your hands. That
means your feelings are in your hands. That means what
you say is in your hands. That means you don't
have to worry about what somebody else is going to
think or say about what you do and whether it's
good enough or not good en. It's in your hands
right as you deep in your relationship with yourself, those
(25:32):
are the things that you want to remember because it
feels to me, and I could be very wrong, that
you're not current with yourself. You're still dealing with yourself
as the little person whose voice didn't matter, whose feelings
didn't matter, who had to hide their feelings because there
was a lot of noise going on. There's a lot
of noise in the world today, so you know that's
(25:53):
get triggered up really really easy.
Speaker 3 (25:55):
A few years ago, I felt so different. There's been
just a lot of life changing.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Somebody broke your heart.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
Would that be accurate, Yeah, yeah, that would be accurate.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Yeah, somebody to your heart, and now you all down
on yourself. What did you learn from that heartbreak?
Speaker 3 (26:16):
The main thing that I learned was I was giving.
I kept giving a lot and not receiving the same back.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
But just to be more careful with not just you know,
keep giving and giving and giving when you're not getting
barely anything back.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Okay, So listen, when you have a good relationship with yourself,
you take stuff like that and you turn it around you.
You don't make yourself wrong for it. A good relationship
with yourself means you always gonna win. So first of all,
that person, it's their loss. It's their loss. Oh you
(27:00):
didn't see how wonderful and marvelous impressions I am. Okay,
sorry for you, stupid, No, don't. You don't have to
say that, but you turn it around. Okay, so you
saundered your resources. Write that down. Okay, I have to
be mindful not to squander your resources. Get the awareness
(27:24):
for you, and then you can't do that if you're
looking at what the other person did. All right, let
me work on that. When you're growing a better relationship
with yourself, you take everything that happens and use it
as fuel in your tank. And if you're always looking
at the other person, you're going to get drained. I
(27:46):
gave and they didn't give. Why didn't they give? Me back.
So no, okay, I have a tendency to give too much.
Why am I giving too much? What was I give?
Speaker 3 (27:59):
Was?
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Is I giving to get? Or am I just a
giving person? If I'm just a giving person? Well, what
the hell, it doesn't matter what I get back?
Speaker 3 (28:08):
Right?
Speaker 1 (28:09):
When you were giving all of this, what were you
going for? What were you going for?
Speaker 3 (28:16):
Love?
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Okay? So you think that love about giving and getting.
Oh that's a good message. I have a belief that
I have to give something in order to get love.
Let me work on that. Let me work on that,
to give anything to get love. Because I am loved.
Love is in my hands. Ain't that what Chloe said
(28:38):
or Haley or whoever said it?
Speaker 3 (28:41):
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Love is in my hands. So I don't have to
give to get. What else were you going for? Were
you trying to prove your worth? Prove your value? So
what does that tell you? You're growing your relationship with yourself. Okay,
I may have to look at myself worth. I may
have to look at my self value and why I
think I have to prove my worth and value to
(29:05):
other people. Let me look at that. That's how you
build your relationship with yourself. And let's get clear about
what value and worth are, Okay, how you hold yourself
within yourself, how you hold yourself, how you think about yourself,
what you believe about yourself within yourself. So if we're
(29:28):
flushed from the place of I'm not good enough, well
we're gonna have some value issues. That's what your in
a critic is saying. See, if you were good they
would be giving you back what you're giving them. If
you were good enough, then you would be feeling better.
If you were good enough, you wouldn't have to prove
you got to prove who that's the inner critic, tell
(29:50):
that puppy to sit down and shut.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
Out right right.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Self value has nothing to do with anyone else. But
what self value value does is it determines your self worth. Now,
self worth is how you hold yourself within yourself and
what you expect from others as a result of how
you're holding yourself within yourself. So if your self as
(30:17):
I'm not good enough, then you're going to expect people
to demand more, require more, requests more so that you
can prove your value to them. And that's where the
giving more than you're getting comes from. I got to
prove my value. So I gotta gift in order to
get love. I got to prove that I am enough.
(30:37):
I got to prove that I'm worthy of their love,
their time, their energy, their attention. Yeah, so self value
and self work. Oh boy, imagine you would have never
learned those things about yourself if you hadn't had your
heart broken. Yeah, you don't sound impressed.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Me. I definitely can relate to all of that. It
all clicks and makes sense. I just I guess I'm
still still working on that, or still trying to let
that soak in because I feel like I'm a confident person,
or like I do feel like i'm uh, you know,
(31:22):
proud of myself in certain aspects, and you know, I'm
happy with the way I look and carry myself. But yeah,
I'm at the same time, it's still still a little wobbly.
I guess I'm still getting to learn who I am
and that Yeah, in a relationship, I guess with myself.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
And well, we all are. I'm twice your agent. It's
back and forth with me sometimes. But I find it
interesting that you thought your relationship with yourself was fine
and then you heard something that made you question it
and yet you say you're confident. You may hear things
(32:07):
you say, Oh okay, let me see how that applies
to me, but not let it destroy your whole relationship
with yourself because of something you heard.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
Right, right, You want.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
To start with self awareness. Here's some awarenesses that you
brought forth that I want to encourage you to hold
on to and maybe investigate a little more. Okay, you
have an inner critic, that's you think you're not good enough.
So even though you like the you look, that's external.
How does it feel when you're walking down the street? Well,
how does it feel when you like, as you said,
(32:41):
you're speaking out in front of people? If you're confident
not just in your looks, but in who you are
and not self awareness? Who are you? Who are you
in the late nine hours when nobody's around? Who are
you when you first wake up in the morning, in
your breath stinks? Who are you?
Speaker 3 (33:01):
Then?
Speaker 1 (33:02):
Do you like that person? Are you okay with that person?
Because it's not about what the world thinks, it's about
what you think. When you stand naked in front of
the mirror and you look at yourself, do you say,
oh my god, I need what? I need? Some help?
Or do you say, all right, we're gonna work on this.
And belly is looking a little strange there, and the
(33:22):
buddy's a little too much relationship with yourself. See I
take off my clothes and stand the mirror. I bust
out laughing like, oh God, what are you doing down there?
Get up? But I don't let that stop me from
(33:44):
sharing my voice or going for what I want, or
you know, standing firmly in who I am. And if
you find something that's a little shaky, don't beat yourself
up about it. What do I need to do to strengthen?
What do I need to do to stop myself from
giving more than I need, want or desire? What do
(34:07):
I need to do when I'm dressing nice or speaking
out or not speaking out? Because the belief is, the
criticism is I'm not good enough self awareness because you
cannot relationship with somebody you don't know right what set
you off? Do you know that? What will make you
(34:27):
act like a total plumb fool? Do you know what
that is?
Speaker 3 (34:34):
I don't.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Oh you need to know that that way, but you
can guard yourself, Okay? Do you know what makes you weep?
What will make you weep? No matter who's in the room.
Do you know that?
Speaker 3 (34:55):
Not really?
Speaker 1 (34:56):
You know you need to know that. See, for me,
it's abusive children. When I see children being treated badly,
I'm the first thing I'm gonna do. And then I'm
a weep because I was treated and so it choose
that for me.
Speaker 3 (35:13):
I see what you mean. Yeah, definitely, I mean that
would be for sure one of them.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
And you know what else makes me weep? And I
can't find Law and Order on it just I just
want to weep. I can't find an episode of the
original Law and Order. I can't yes the moment because
it was just not on anywhere. It was terrible. And
if you believe that you have a good relationship with you,
(35:39):
don't let anybody change that when something comes up and
you say, okay, well let me investigate that. All right.
I don't know what makes me. I don't know what's
gonna set me off. Oh okay, let me let me
pay attention. Let me just pay attention.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
Yeah, I like that for surely.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Here's one one way that you can really have a relationship,
grow a relationship, and deepen your relationship with yourself, And
that is what is your vision for your life? What
is your vision for your life and what is being
required of you to manifest that vision? Because that's going
(36:26):
to show you your strength, your weaknesses. It's going to
bring up the judge, the critic, and you just want
want to be aware of these things and then you
know how to work through them, with them, around them,
over them, listening to your voice as you pursue your vision.
Speaker 3 (36:43):
Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Do you know who you want to be at fifty?
You got fourteen years sixteen?
Speaker 3 (36:51):
Yes, I do. I guess it's constantly changing, like where
I thought I would be at my age now, but
I would be.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
A nurse all my life and I'm not a nurse.
I don't get to wear a white uniform because nurses
don't even wear white uniforms anymore. But okay, so the
vision shifted, but the ultimate experience has and I'm still
doing yealing work, just in another level.
Speaker 3 (37:16):
Yeah, thank you so much for that.
Speaker 5 (37:19):
Self awareness, self value, self worth, understanding how that critic
talks to you, and really moving towards your vision a
little bit at a time, day by day, allowing the
vision to pull you forward.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
That's how you're going to deepen your relationship with yourself.
Thank you for calling Okay.
Speaker 3 (37:40):
Of course, thank you.
Speaker 1 (37:44):
If I had to give five pillars or five steps
toward developing a relationship with yourself, they would be this,
come on, write this down. Number one, self respect, give
yourself the benefit of the doubt and know that you
(38:05):
are worthy of your own time, energy resources. That's number
one self respect. Number two self value, how you see
yourself and hold yourself within yourself. What you think about yourself,
what you feel about yourself, what you believe about yourself.
(38:28):
Being on the lookout always for that inner judge and
that inner critic that's going to tell you you're not enough,
you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, tell them things.
To shut the hell out, go somewhere in sit out,
and really build yourself value, because your self value leads
to your self worth. How you see yourself and hold
(38:50):
yourself within yourself. That determines what you expect from other people.
And so very often we have low self value, but
we're demanding, requesting, requiring big things from the world from
other people, but we don't even value ourselves enough to
know that we're worthy of having it. Self respect, self value,
(39:15):
self worth. Did I say that self respect, self value,
self worth. Self awareness. Hello, you got to know you're ugly,
know you're pretty, know you're crazy. You got to know
all of them things about yourself and how they impact
your value, your worth, and your respect. All right, so
(39:38):
self awareness. You may even want to put that first.
Self awareness. Do you value yourself or do you value
every thing and everyone other than you? I hope that
you know something now that you didn't know. When you're
tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace
(39:58):
and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
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