April 17, 2024 • 44 mins
Iyanla shares some deeply personal stories about learning to love herself and her now-infamous “quilting fabric” story to help two new callers who feel like they can’t be honest about who they are. The first is a woman who was abandoned by her parents and now exhausts herself by trying to be everything for her children. Then, the second caller met her perfect man, except for one thing: He controls all the money in the relationship.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Iami Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent
time in a relationship with a married man. I had
to learn the skills and tools required to make my
relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Rspot, a
production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. I am
(00:35):
a Yamla, your host, God facilitator, and today we are
talking about your relationship with yourself. What is your relationship
like with yourself? Is it good? Are you growing in?
Are you learning it?
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Hmmm?
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Whatever it is we are holding, thinking, believing, feeling about
who we are is going to show up in every
single area of our life. And it doesn't matter whether
it's good or not so good. I mean, if you
look around the world today, you see people doing not
(01:12):
so good things and getting away with it. And it's
not because there's some special power in the not so good.
It's because they believe what they're saying, they believe what
they're thinking, and therefore their relationship with themselves, although dysfunctional
as hell, it's working because they don't doubt themselves, they
(01:36):
don't discourage themselves, they don't abandon themselves. I mean, I
could go on and on and on. So before we
have one more conversation about a husband or a girlfriend,
or a mother or a mother in law, I want
us to look at, explore, examine, investigate whether or not
(01:58):
we are current in the relationship we're having with ourselves. Now,
what do I mean by that? What do you mean current?
I mean do you deal with yourself as who you
are today? Or are you still handling, holding, thinking of
believing about yourself things that are no longer true? And
(02:21):
you know how I find this? I find this in
the way people describe themselves. You know, I was a
teenage mother, or I grew up in a foster home,
or I never had parents to guide me. And what
does that have to do with who you are today?
Do you look at the strengths and the victories that
(02:43):
you gain from those experiences and bring them into your
current your current experiences as guideposts, as standards, as values.
Are you current in your relationship with yourself? Or are
you still handling yourself based on who you used to be?
(03:05):
Oh a ah, listen, I live that one. I was
still seeing myself as an ugly little girl that nobody wanted.
So three divorces later, I forget I needed to clean
that up. Are you current in your relationship with yourself?
Do you have a relationship with yourself? You gotta be
(03:29):
aware of that. You gotta be aware of what you
do and how you do it, and well why you
do it, and what you're expecting as a result of
what you do. So self awareness. You got that, self awareness,
self respect, self value, self worth, and finally self love.
You gotta love yourself in your ugliest moments, in your
(03:52):
weakest moments, in your craziest moments. You gotta love yourself
beyond what you do. Standing naked in the mirror with
your stinky breath, you gotta say, baby, I just love you.
Oh you are you? Just float my boat? Honey? That's
Those are the five pillers of a good relationship with
(04:15):
yourself and growing that and building that and holding onto that.
That's what you want to do. And we are so
externally referenced in today's world. We're looking at the what
I call the bmmes, the body, the mind, the emotion.
We get stuck there and we don't really go into
(04:36):
the divinity, the oneness, the truth of who we are
from the inside out. If you want to deepen, grow, expand,
strengthen your relationship with yourself, begin within. I had to
have a conversation with myself yesterday. I got on my
(04:56):
own nerves, and you get on your own nerves because
you're acting so foolish. Okay. I had to have a
good old conversation with myself because I have a good
relationship with me. I don't always listen to me, but
I do have a good relationship with me, and so
I had to take myself in hand. I had to
go to the mirror slack the person that showed up
(05:18):
because I was just being ridiculous, ridiculous, Okay, not even ridiculous, ridiculous.
I was just out of the box yesterday. But you know,
give yourself permission to have a bad day. Give yourself
permission to have a bad day, and know that you
can recover. All right, you can recover. I was stuck
(05:40):
in traffic, having an absolute hissy fit and just being
crazy with myself. Couldn't move on cars, I couldn't do nothing.
I was traumatized, and the ant got mad at me
for being traumatized. So you got to tell the truth
to yourself about yourself and love yourself anyway. Okay, listen
(06:00):
out greetings, be loving and welcome to the art spot. Listen,
we having a good conversation today. We're talking about the
relationship with yourself. How are you loving you? You know
that song, and I wonder who loving you? Are you
loving yourself today? Beloved? Excuse my singing, I have.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
Not been loving on myself at all.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Well, what do you tell yourself is more important than
loving on you?
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Making sure everyone else feels loved?
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Yeah, that's a classic story.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
So what's the what's the what's the thought or the
belief that makes you or motivates you to make everyone
else more important than you in your life? What's the story?
Speaker 3 (06:52):
The belief is that this is how kind of ensure
that I won't be alone?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (06:59):
What's so bad about being alone?
Speaker 4 (07:00):
Too?
Speaker 1 (07:01):
What is so canid about being alone with you?
Speaker 3 (07:06):
It's a scary, it's a scary feeling. I was left
alone a lot when I was little. Ah, and it's scary.
It feels it's too quiet, empty. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
So let me ask you a question. What does you
being left alone as a little person have to do
with who you are today? I guess Oh you think
did you just being alone? Did you survive being alone
by your when you were little. Did you survive that?
(07:44):
I did? Did you learn how to entertain yourself?
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Yeah? Here I did.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Did you learn how to keep yourself busy?
Speaker 4 (07:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Okay, So how can that help you today in your
own life? Because it's it's yes, you had that experience,
but that's not current events. What are the current events
in your life where you can use what you learned
being alone to benefit you?
Speaker 3 (08:15):
And I guess like I could take that and make,
you know, make moose for myself honesty. Maybe I could
use it and motivate myself more to do more in
life that I actually want to do it. I feel
like it's so it seems hard because it feels like
it's easier to focus on everyone else.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Well here's here's that. That's a self respect issue. That's
self respect and you have to know that you are
worthy of your own time, energy, attention, and resources. That's
what being alone as you're as a child, because see
(08:54):
that's a function of neglect. Leaving a child alone is
a function of neglect. So you've grown up to neglect yourself.
Would that be accurate because you're not functioning with current events,
(09:14):
so you neglect your needs you neglect your your time,
your energy, your resources because you're looking at being alone
as a child as a backing, a scary thing, as
opposed to what it taught you that you can use
to strengthen your relationship with yourself. How about this, Hey,
(09:38):
I spent a lot of time with me and I
ain't so bad. How about that?
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Yeah I'm not.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
I'm okay In building a relationship with yourself. You want
to take what you've experienced and turn it to your bet,
not to your detriment and staying stuck in it was scary.
I was neglected, I was alone. That's not going to
(10:09):
your benefit.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
I never looked at it that way. All I've just
let myself be so sad and so angry about being
neglected and left alone, and then scared of being left alone,
left alone in my marriage, left by my children, let's right,
people at work. Yeah, I've never looked at it that way.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
So when when we are neglected as children, you know,
as children we learn by what we experience. That's that's
how we learn. So when we're neglected, or when we're alone,
or when we're overlooked, when we're not heard, we don't
really get a good reflection of who we are. So
(10:53):
we struggle to see who we are.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
We struggle.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
We don't see our strengths, we don't see our good
points because that's not what was reflected back to us.
And then we do what was done. But to come
current with who you are now, think of it this way,
belove it. You took care of yourself. You didn't hurt yourself,
You didn't jump out the window, you didn't burn the
house death. Did you do any of them things? Did
(11:18):
you burn the house down?
Speaker 4 (11:19):
Up?
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (11:23):
So?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:25):
As opposed to looking at how deep and dark and
scary it was, how about how look at how resourceful
I am. I was resourceful. I spent a lot of
time alone as a kid. I didn't burn the house down,
and I learned how to be with myself as opposed
to buy myself. And I wasn't so bad. I got
(11:49):
it done. Can you see God about yourself? Can you
see that you're not so bad and that you manage
the situation well as a little person?
Speaker 3 (12:00):
See that?
Speaker 1 (12:01):
So how can that help you today?
Speaker 3 (12:03):
It helped me to definitely have a different outlook on
being with myself and putting myself first. Uh, maybe learning
how to give myself more more grace and instead of
or not maybe even myself, maybe just giving others more
grief that the folks who left me alone. I guess
(12:25):
I should say.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Forget them and get them, forget them, forget, forgive them.
I'm saying forget, forget, forgive and forget, forget what they did,
and forget so that you can come current to today.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Everything like you're saying and makes absolute things. I just
I don't think I know where to started.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
I'm still you know, every time I get a you know,
a call, or every time I'm called on, it's like
I have to be there because I don't want to
be my mom. I don't want to be like. I
don't want my children to say my mom wasn't there
for me when I called her, you know, even if
I don't have the capacity to help force myself too,
(13:19):
because I don't want to be that mom.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
But do you understand that you are being that mom
to yourself. You're abandoning yourself, You're neglecting yourself when you
do things that you don't have the capacity to do
or the desire to do. How old are your children?
Speaker 3 (13:37):
I have an eight year old and a twenty two
year old.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Okay, so the twenty two year old, Oh well the
eight year old. Yeah, you know, they're very demanding.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
I feel like I'm neglecting myself. I whenever I do
something against kind of my own better judgment, it's a
little worse in my head and saying doing it again, doing.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
It again, and what are you willing to do about it?
Speaker 3 (14:05):
I want to stop. I want to change it. I
want to put a better practice in place, because then
I'm I'm tired. I'm so tired.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
But you have to know that you're worth it. And
if you give all of your time, energy, attention and
resources to other people, they will begin to feel entitled
to it, and particularly children. Children feel like they are
entitled to your life, so they will enjoy your life.
You ain't enjoying it. I have my great grandson. He's
(14:37):
six years old. So we sit down to eat dinner
together and then he'll want something, and I found myself
I'd get up and not and go get it. And
then a couple of months ago, I said, I'll get
it after I finish eating, but I need to well
get it or you wait, You sit there, eat your dinner,
(14:58):
but you want me to disrupt my dinner to go
get you something that you need to want. No, you
can have it after I'm done, because he can't enjoy
my dinner more than I do. Yeah, it starts with
simple little things like that, but it means recognizing. It's
(15:18):
self awareness. You got to be aware of little things
that you do that are neglectful, that are abusive, that
are disrespectful to you, and then you make little changes.
You have to make a commitment to yourself to do
it as soon as you become aware of it. Stop
(15:39):
putting yourself on hold. Do you know what that kind
of behavior is called? What you're doing waiting for people
to accept you and acknowledge you and see you and
treat you the way you want to be treated. Do
you know what that's called. It's called codependency for other
(16:00):
people to accept you. Have you accepted you fully? No?
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Oh, I don't fully know. I don't feel like I
fully know who I am. If you know, people ask
you what do you like to do? And who are you?
And I find that I reach for parts of my
life where people have congratulated me. You're giving me accolades,
(16:27):
and I say, oh, that's what I like to do. Well,
that's who I am, instead of I don't really know
how to answer that question.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
You know, Yeah, that's a powerful awareness. That's a powerful
awareness that I don't really know who I am. I
don't really know what I like. I don't really know
what floats my boat. So in developing a better relationship
with yourself, self awareness, self acceptance, that's the where you start.
(16:55):
What are you good at?
Speaker 2 (16:56):
What are you not good at?
Speaker 1 (16:58):
See, I'm good at a lot of I'm not good
at singing. I am not good at singing, But I
know that. Now does that stop me from singing? Oh?
Hell to the no. And it don't matter to me
that my singing sounds bad to other people. I just
try not to do because I don't want to assault
(17:19):
people's earlobes. But at least I know that I'm bad
at singing. So that's the thing, beloved, you know, getting
to know yourself. Getting to record. Okay, Now, why am
I doing that? Why am I getting up from my
dinner to go get a six year old to catch it?
Why am I doing this? I want to encourage you
(17:44):
to look at the things that you're doing with your
children with other people and as opposed to reflecting back on.
I got to do this so I'm not alone. I
know how to be alone. If they get upset with
the eight year old, ain't going nowhere. You got another
ten years with him or her the twenty two year old.
(18:07):
Give them permission to do it for themselves so that
they don't repeat your pattern.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
I need to. I need to let go and get
more of me, give more to me.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Well, as a mom, you're not gonna let go, but
you can shift. You're not gonna let go, but you
can shift. And don't just shift, you know, out of
the clear blue, because you've trained the people in your
life how to treat you and what to expect. Shift
with an explanation. You know, you know what. I'm not
(18:42):
doing that anymore. I used to do it and resent
myself for doing it. So I'm not doing that anymore. Now.
This is what I can do, but that I'm not
doing that. Shift with an explanation. That's how you take
care of yourself and teach yourself. I can't stand up
for me. I am worthy of my own time, energy, resources,
(19:07):
and I can use my voice to take care of myself. Well,
you don't sound pressed.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
I know it's I'll admit I'm quite stubborn or I
don't know that's the right thing you even say.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
But you're not stubborn. You're addicted to suffering because as
a little person home by yourself, there was nothing you
could do about it, and you suffered being alone, you
suffered being afraid, you suffered being ignored, just suffered being neglected,
you suffered being abused, and you became addicted. So now
you're addicted to suffering. So even when something comes in
(19:51):
to tell you this is how you can end just suffering,
you're going to go right back into the addiction at home.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
Yeah, feels like an addiction.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
It is.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
I don't want it no more, but I can't. Yeah,
I can't get away from me.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
You know, I haven't been able to. I haven't been
in the past. I haven't been able to. Not that
I can't. You can. And it's about making a conscious choice,
a conscious choice, little by little, day by day, moment
by moment. Start here, I am who I am, and
(20:32):
I'm okay. Do you believe that?
Speaker 4 (20:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (20:36):
I do.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
You can choose to heal day by day, day by day,
day by day.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
Okay, yeah, I want. I want to heal a real
I do choose.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
It because in building a better relationship with yourself, you
don't want to take on more than yourself can handle
in the moment. Right now, let's just eliminate the suffer. Okay,
let's recover from me. They don't even mention healing yet.
Get until today and let's do you know, because in
(21:12):
recovery they tell you to take it minute by minute,
and then hour by hour, then day by day, day
by day, and then two days at a time, three
days at a time. You know, they don't say you recover.
You get a chip for every thirty days in recovery.
(21:34):
So let's do that. Give yourself a chip. What would
your chip be if you make it through a day
where you take one step to eliminate the addiction to suffering,
or how you contribute to your suffering. What would be
a chip? A prize that you could give yourself, what
(21:54):
would it be?
Speaker 3 (21:55):
I like to dance?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Okay, so could you have three minutes a day sing
at the end of the day. If you get through
a day where you take one step towards eliminating your suffering.
Could you dance? What's your favorite song?
Speaker 3 (22:09):
I want to dance with somebody.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Let's not do I want to dance with somebody. That's
the more external validation. With another song?
Speaker 3 (22:17):
Oh god, okay about I.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Didn't know my own strength? How about that one? Could
you dance to that?
Speaker 3 (22:25):
Yes? I could? I could dance.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
So you work on that, You work on What is
the little treat that I can give myself? What is
the little special I will?
Speaker 3 (22:37):
I will work on that.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
Okay, thank you for calling beloved, and take good care
of you. Take good care of you because you are
the best thing you've got.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
Thank you. I will, I will Okay.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Bye bye. Listen. When we're building a relationship with ourselves,
the best way again back to self awareness. Become aware
of the thing that you do that takes you down.
Make a commitment to do a little bit each day
(23:15):
to move beyond that behavior or to dismantle that belief.
And whatever you do in that day, reward yourself for it.
Reward yourself. I don't care if it's two potato chips
or three chocolate of an almonds, or a dance or
a gold star on the calendar. As children, I don't
(23:37):
know if they still do it. In school, we used
to get gold stars silver stars, depending upon how soon
you completed your work and if you got it right,
and if you give yourself a gold star if you
don't have resources to spend, or put a dollar in
a jar, or put the dollar in the savings account
so that you can buy yourself something from just day
(23:57):
by day. Becoming aware of what I was doing that
was not serving my higher and greater goods, we got
one more caller. Hang on, let's see who it is. Meetings.
Be loved and welcome to the artist. I thank you
for your patience. So what is it that you want
to share?
Speaker 4 (24:16):
I want to share the relationship with myself. First, I
did some self work about two and a half three
years ago. I started doing for self work, and I
thought I had gotten to a point where I was
in a healthy relationship with myself. And then I asked
God for a man, and I was very very sopisific
about what I wanted in him. And God send me
a man, and I forgot to ask God to have
(24:39):
him read my mind. And I find myself in this
relationship with him, and I loved him so dearly and
I found myself in this relationship with him, and I'm
not able to articulate always and communicate with him how
(25:01):
I want to like. I find myself get real nervous
when I feel like it may be a confrontation or
it may be something that he doesn't agree with, and
I get nervous. I shut down, and I don't know
what you're doing. I've never been in a relationship with
a man, and I have four children. I've been in
(25:23):
I've been married, and I'm just funny help for my mama.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
So you have a difficulty asking for what you want?
Speaker 4 (25:34):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (25:35):
And why is that?
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Why is it difficult for you to ask for what
you want? And the way you can identify that is
just close your eyes and take a breath. It's hard
for me to ask that I want.
Speaker 4 (25:48):
Because it's hard for me to ask for what I
want because I may not like to answer again.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Okay, take another breath.
Speaker 4 (25:58):
It's hard for me to ask for what I want
because I'm not being all the way honest.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
How about because I don't believe I can have it.
And that doesn't mean a bad relationship with yourself. It
may mean that you don't trust your voice. Yeah, we'll
talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to
the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. I
(26:28):
learn very early that when I ask for what I want,
I get in trouble. I either upset somebody, or I
get yelled at, or I get dismissed, or I get diminished.
That's just an awareness. That doesn't mean that I have
(26:49):
a bad relationship with myself. What makes me have a
bad relationship with myself is not asking for what I
want and then acting like I don't want it. Explain
that to me, what is that?
Speaker 4 (27:07):
Because I never thought about thinking that I deserve what
I want that I don't deserve it. I think that's
probably I ask for what I want, and I got
exactly what I wanted, and now I don't feel like
I deserve it.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Okay, And why don't you deserve it?
Speaker 4 (27:30):
I think it's easier to beat myself up and more familiar.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Yes, And I.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Yeah, it's familiar to lose what I want or not
have what I want. So you may be finding ways
to chase this man away.
Speaker 4 (27:49):
Right right, And I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
No, then don't do it.
Speaker 4 (27:56):
Tell me how to not do it?
Speaker 1 (28:00):
For what you want with no attachment to the answer.
All you have to do is ask for what you want.
The thing is, you've got to break the pattern. The pattern.
You have to interrupt the pattern. So if the pattern
is not asking for what you want, acting like you
don't want it, and then becoming resentful because you didn't
(28:21):
get it, that's the pattern. And in a good relationship
with yourself, you have to be aware of your patterns
and how you do, what.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
You do and what you get as a result.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
So you're saying you ask the universe for something. God
source created the universe, it brought you what you want.
Now you're functioning in the belief that you don't deserve it,
so you'll set it up where you blow it up.
You blow your life up because of not believing you
deserve it. So you're aware of that. If you have
(28:56):
a good relationship with yourself, you're aware of that. Okay,
to be mindful that I'm feeling unworthy here and that
you know the deceptive intelligence is going to cause me
to blow this thing up. So what do I need
to do? Where's that? Where's the trigger? The trigger isn't
asking for what I want? So you can always say
to your beloved. You know what, I'm really afraid to
(29:19):
say this right now, but I got to ask you this,
and what I want is blah blah blah. What do
you want that you're not asking him?
Speaker 4 (29:26):
Well, he is. He's very frugal and he's very good financially.
He's very good, and I'm opposite. So he came. He
came in. First of all, we had this world romance.
We met and we've been together ever since the day
that we met. And it's so seven months in. I
have a beautiful, engaging ring where I'm perfect. I mean,
everything is perfect, but because.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Wait, wait a minute, that's not true. Everything is perfect
and you haven't shown up fully in the relationship by
not asking for what you want. That's not true that
everything is perfect. Ideally we talking about reality.
Speaker 4 (30:09):
Reality, and I don't you know he is he I
don't ask, I don't ask for allowance. I feel like
I should have money to do whatever I want, and
he feels like I'm not good with money, so I
don't need money to do it whatever I want to
(30:29):
do with So I'm having trouble asking him, like, how
do we how do we go forward with me having
a certain amount of money that just I can do
whatever I want to do with.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
All right, so my ears are now it's you made
my ears itch. Are you financially dependent upon him or
do you have your own money? Oh?
Speaker 4 (30:54):
I have my own money.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
So then what do you mean you got to ask
him for an allowance?
Speaker 4 (31:00):
Oh well, then let me give you. Let me give
you the background. So I had a lot of debt
and he's helping me pay the debt. My debt to
my income ratio is not I don't make enough money
to pay the debt. I'm not responsible for any household responsibility.
He takes care of all of those needs, and he's
paying my debt. He's paying my debt off rapidly, so
(31:22):
my debt will be probably gone in June and moving
forward past June, I want to know, like, well, I
have money to just have like an allowance, like to
blow And he's like, you don't need money. You're irresponsible
with money. You got to learn responsibility. You got to
be disciplined with your money. And I get that. I worked,
(31:43):
so there should be money that I could just do
whatever I want to do with.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Let me let me just see if I got this
help me, because like I said, my ear is an interest.
You are a working woman who can spell her name
and tie her shoes, and you asking somebody else what
you can and can't do with your money seven months in? Really,
is that what I am? I hearing you say that, Oh,
(32:08):
there's it too much brandy in my deep.
Speaker 4 (32:12):
You heard me correct?
Speaker 1 (32:13):
Oh, my lord, help me gouge my eye out with
a plastic spoon. Gouge my eye out with a plastic spoon.
And I understand that he's paying supporting you in the
elimination of debt. I understand that, And I understand that
in the past you've made some poor choices and bad
(32:35):
decisions regarding money. But how will you ever know that
you're healed if you don't have money to manage in
a better.
Speaker 4 (32:42):
Way My sentiments exactly. And so when I presented it
to him, initially, the word choice that I used to
do whatever I want to do with that sounded irresponsible
to him. I work, I don't should not have to
explain to you what I'm going to do. This is
my money that I can do whatever I want to do,
to buy a snicker bar or whatever I want to do.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Why not? Why can't you take one hundred dollars fifty
dollars seventy five dollars. If you can't have an open,
honest conversation about that, how are you How can you
say everything is perfect? And why can't you say listen,
this is what I'm doing because I've learned my lesson.
I'm keeping one hundred dollars as my mad money. I'm
(33:26):
keeping one hundred dollars. If I got to pay twenty
dollars less on this debt, I'll do that, but I'm
going to have one hundred dollars.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
That's what I'm doing.
Speaker 4 (33:34):
But I agree with you. I'm going to present that
to him like that. I'm going to take one hundred
dollars fifty dollars every two weeks to do with whatever period.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
But see, you're making this about him and what's off
in your relationship with yourself that's creating this. He doesn't
trust you with money, but you don't trust you with money,
and you're getting so overwhelmed or you know, taking her
back by the fact that the debt is being paid off.
(34:05):
The debt's being paid off with your money. So if
he doesn't trust you with money, beloved, you don't trust
you with money. And you're still beating yourself up about
the mistakes that you made in the past and avoiding
the responsibility of proving that you've changed. You've changed. See,
(34:27):
I come from the old school. Forgive me. I come
from the old school. My grandmama told me every woman
she needs a set of china, she needs a change
of underwear, and she needs the low money stashed somewhere
that nobody don't know about but her. Do you trust
yourself with your own money?
Speaker 3 (34:47):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Well, see that's what he's reflecting back to you. First
of all, all of this is about lack of limitation.
That's why people do bad things with money, and they
overspend and they go into debt and credit cards and
and all of that stuff because they're moving from lacking
limitation what they don't have. What are you lacking? What
do you tell yourself that you're lacking? You don't know enough,
(35:09):
You're stupid, you don't have enough luck, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
You have to understand that.
Speaker 4 (35:13):
Yeah, I am financially responsible now, but I guess I'm
trying to prove myself, and it's just I don't have
to prove myself.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
But you got a couple of things that you really
want to look at here. Number one. So you had
all of this debt and this angel has come in
to support you in clearing the debt because you didn't
believe you could do it on your own. And you're
giving all the credit to the angel and not to you.
You're not taking any of the credit for yourself. Because
(35:43):
you've done this for seven months. You've surrendered to the process.
What if you learned. You've learned how to manage money better,
You've learned how to make your priorities. These are the
things that the Angel has come and taught you. But
you don't have to be holding to the damn angel.
(36:03):
Let me tell you this is my This is straight
up my quilting fabric story. Okay, do you know about
my quilting fabric?
Speaker 2 (36:11):
Okay, let me tell you so.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
I never really had a lot of debt, but I
never had no money. Nobody, I didn't have nothing. I
didn't have no debt because I believe in cash, cash
and carry. If I can't afford it in the moment,
I'm not buying it. But when I started quilting, I
had an addiction to the Quilton fabric.
Speaker 2 (36:32):
It used to be scrapbooking. Now it's quilting.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
So I would be buying quilting fabric and then I'd
get the credit card bills and I just want to
throw myself naked in the middle of the road and
drink vodka straight out the bottle because I'm like, what
in the world are you doing? So I had to
put myself on restriction, not because of anything other than
in my relationship with myself. I was doing something that
(36:58):
was hurting me. So I had to put myself on restriction.
I need nobody to tell me that I had to
do it, And because I loved me and I don't
like to worry and have anxiety, that's what I did.
So I would put myself on restriction. But even on restriction,
I said, you got fifty dollars a month, you can
(37:19):
spend on quoting fact. That's it. Cannot spend no more
than fifty dollars a month. Okay, Well that didn't work
too well. So I had to go back in and
I had to say, Okay, why are you what? What's
what the quoting fact? What are you doing? You know?
And there was a void, there was a hold, there
(37:40):
was something that I was missing, and I found out
it was my relationship with my daughter, you know. And
so I said to you, okay, you got to heal
up that that so that you're not trying to avoid
with the money, with the with the thing with the
quilt fab So I did that, and as I got
(38:04):
better in my relationship with my daughter, the need to
buy the quilt and fabric diminished. It didn't go away,
it diminished. So I gave myself one hundred dollars a month.
I gave myself one hundred dollars that I could spend,
you know, because I improved the relationship. And then you know,
it just kind of went away. And then I found
(38:24):
myself doing it again, and I was like, what are
you doing? Okay, so I had to sit down with
myself and I had to say, okay, what is going
on here? And you know what it was. It was
something so simple. I just liked the pretty colors. I
like the colors, so I have to give myself permission
to like it, but also discipline myself. So here's my
(38:48):
question to you about him, about you, what is the
spending of the money about Heal that up and learn
that you can be trusted and give yourself parameters. Give
yourself a container, a structure. If it's one hundred dollars
a paycheck, fine, but you can't go over that. And
(39:11):
if you do, then you don't get to throw yourself
on the railroad track. You can get to say, Okay,
what is this taking me over this hundred dollars a month?
And that's about you beloved in your relationship with you,
not with him, because you don't want to be beholden
to anybody about this healing that you've created for yourself.
(39:32):
You created him, you attracted him, you brought him into
your life. He's serving a purpose and you love him,
he loves you. You all are going to get married,
but you but you got to be able to have
a complete conversation and on this conversation. Does that make
sense to you?
Speaker 4 (39:46):
Right? It makes sense?
Speaker 1 (39:48):
Yeah, don't abdicate your responsibility to do your healing work
in your relationship with yourself. And if you don't trust
you with money, he will never trust you with money.
And when you build that relationship between you and money,
what is your relationship with money? That's the next show
we're going to do. What's your relationship with Bunny? And
(40:09):
most important of all, in this relationship with him, and
I'm not losing sight of the fact it's easier to
beat yourself up. That's also something that you got to
work on so that you don't blow this relationship up,
so that you have see that's what I did.
Speaker 2 (40:28):
I did.
Speaker 1 (40:29):
He was a good man and he helped me get
out of dead and I blew the money whatever. Heal
up that stuff and you learn to trust yourself. Become
current in your relationship with yourself. Who are you today?
Who are you as a spiritual warrior? Who are you
as a full grown woman and her big panties with
(40:52):
a man who honors, loves and respects her. Who are you?
You're not a little girl waiting for daddy. You're not
a irresponsible with money. Come current in the truth of
who you are today, and behave accordingly. Behave accordingly.
Speaker 4 (41:08):
Absolutely. I just need to see hear my mama, tell
me that's who I am. I'm a powerful creator. That's
who I am, and I emagesty, I emagency, and I
know who I am and I need.
Speaker 1 (41:19):
To walk in Okay, there you go, all right, bye,
I ain't talking to you no more. Yeah, you know,
we will talk ourselves out of it. Too much mind.
I love that line from the Last Samurai. He was
(41:40):
fighting learning the martial arts with one of the Samurai warriors,
and the young boy said to him, too much mind.
In our relationship with ourselves, sometimes we have too much mind.
Remember what happened and what we didn't do, and what
(42:02):
they did and what they should have done. But come current,
be current. Who am I today? What am I doing
right now? What do I feel right now? Respect yourself
enough to be aware of who you are now. You've
read a book, you took a class, you saw a podcast,
(42:25):
you listen to somebody. Take that information and act on
it in your relationship with yourself right now, and stop
worrying about what didn't happen or what you did yesterday,
what you did last week. Well, I can say I
haven't bought no quilting material because I was minding my business.
Speaker 2 (42:44):
Y'll, you know how to.
Speaker 1 (42:47):
Stuff pop up on the side of your computer. There
was quilting fabric and the name of the collection was Beloved. Okay,
I pop right up in my computer. Now you know
I had to buy that. I had to because the
name of the line of fabric was called Beloved. So
(43:12):
hear what I did you know when you buy quilting fabric,
you can buy a bundle, you can buy a charm pack,
you can buy a jelly roll. These are all the
different ways that the fabric is cut. I had to
buy Beloved, but I didn't have to buy the most
expensive one, so I bought it. I bought the middle one,
one that costs forty dollars, not the one that costs
(43:33):
ninety seven. Because in my relationship with myself, I want
to honor myself not also want to identify and stop
the ways I contribute to myself. What is your relationship
with yourself? Are you aware of yourself? Do you respect yourself?
(43:57):
Do you value yourself? You honor your worth?
Speaker 2 (44:01):
And do you love yourself?
Speaker 1 (44:03):
Begin within work on those things. I hope that you
know something now that you didn't know when you tuned in.
And until we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces.
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
(44:23):
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
Iami Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent
time in a relationship with a married man. I had
to learn the skills and tools required to make my
relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Rspot, a
production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. I am
(00:35):
a Yamla, your host, God facilitator, and today we are
talking about your relationship with yourself. What is your relationship
like with yourself? Is it good? Are you growing in?
Are you learning it?
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Hmmm?
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Whatever it is we are holding, thinking, believing, feeling about
who we are is going to show up in every
single area of our life. And it doesn't matter whether
it's good or not so good. I mean, if you
look around the world today, you see people doing not
(01:12):
so good things and getting away with it. And it's
not because there's some special power in the not so good.
It's because they believe what they're saying, they believe what
they're thinking, and therefore their relationship with themselves, although dysfunctional
as hell, it's working because they don't doubt themselves, they
(01:36):
don't discourage themselves, they don't abandon themselves. I mean, I
could go on and on and on. So before we
have one more conversation about a husband or a girlfriend,
or a mother or a mother in law, I want
us to look at, explore, examine, investigate whether or not
(01:58):
we are current in the relationship we're having with ourselves. Now,
what do I mean by that? What do you mean current?
I mean do you deal with yourself as who you
are today? Or are you still handling, holding, thinking of
believing about yourself things that are no longer true? And
(02:21):
you know how I find this? I find this in
the way people describe themselves. You know, I was a
teenage mother, or I grew up in a foster home,
or I never had parents to guide me. And what
does that have to do with who you are today?
Do you look at the strengths and the victories that
(02:43):
you gain from those experiences and bring them into your
current your current experiences as guideposts, as standards, as values.
Are you current in your relationship with yourself? Or are
you still handling yourself based on who you used to be?
(03:05):
Oh a ah, listen, I live that one. I was
still seeing myself as an ugly little girl that nobody wanted.
So three divorces later, I forget I needed to clean
that up. Are you current in your relationship with yourself?
Do you have a relationship with yourself? You gotta be
(03:29):
aware of that. You gotta be aware of what you
do and how you do it, and well why you
do it, and what you're expecting as a result of
what you do. So self awareness. You got that, self awareness,
self respect, self value, self worth, and finally self love.
You gotta love yourself in your ugliest moments, in your
(03:52):
weakest moments, in your craziest moments. You gotta love yourself
beyond what you do. Standing naked in the mirror with
your stinky breath, you gotta say, baby, I just love you.
Oh you are you? Just float my boat? Honey? That's
Those are the five pillers of a good relationship with
(04:15):
yourself and growing that and building that and holding onto that.
That's what you want to do. And we are so
externally referenced in today's world. We're looking at the what
I call the bmmes, the body, the mind, the emotion.
We get stuck there and we don't really go into
(04:36):
the divinity, the oneness, the truth of who we are
from the inside out. If you want to deepen, grow, expand,
strengthen your relationship with yourself, begin within. I had to
have a conversation with myself yesterday. I got on my
(04:56):
own nerves, and you get on your own nerves because
you're acting so foolish. Okay. I had to have a
good old conversation with myself because I have a good
relationship with me. I don't always listen to me, but
I do have a good relationship with me, and so
I had to take myself in hand. I had to
go to the mirror slack the person that showed up
(05:18):
because I was just being ridiculous, ridiculous, Okay, not even ridiculous, ridiculous.
I was just out of the box yesterday. But you know,
give yourself permission to have a bad day. Give yourself
permission to have a bad day, and know that you
can recover. All right, you can recover. I was stuck
(05:40):
in traffic, having an absolute hissy fit and just being
crazy with myself. Couldn't move on cars, I couldn't do nothing.
I was traumatized, and the ant got mad at me
for being traumatized. So you got to tell the truth
to yourself about yourself and love yourself anyway. Okay, listen
(06:00):
out greetings, be loving and welcome to the art spot. Listen,
we having a good conversation today. We're talking about the
relationship with yourself. How are you loving you? You know
that song, and I wonder who loving you? Are you
loving yourself today? Beloved? Excuse my singing, I have.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
Not been loving on myself at all.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Well, what do you tell yourself is more important than
loving on you?
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Making sure everyone else feels loved?
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Yeah, that's a classic story.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
So what's the what's the what's the thought or the
belief that makes you or motivates you to make everyone
else more important than you in your life? What's the story?
Speaker 3 (06:52):
The belief is that this is how kind of ensure
that I won't be alone?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (06:59):
What's so bad about being alone?
Speaker 4 (07:00):
Too?
Speaker 1 (07:01):
What is so canid about being alone with you?
Speaker 3 (07:06):
It's a scary, it's a scary feeling. I was left
alone a lot when I was little. Ah, and it's scary.
It feels it's too quiet, empty. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
So let me ask you a question. What does you
being left alone as a little person have to do
with who you are today? I guess Oh you think
did you just being alone? Did you survive being alone
by your when you were little. Did you survive that?
(07:44):
I did? Did you learn how to entertain yourself?
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Yeah? Here I did.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Did you learn how to keep yourself busy?
Speaker 4 (07:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Okay, So how can that help you today in your
own life? Because it's it's yes, you had that experience,
but that's not current events. What are the current events
in your life where you can use what you learned
being alone to benefit you?
Speaker 3 (08:15):
And I guess like I could take that and make,
you know, make moose for myself honesty. Maybe I could
use it and motivate myself more to do more in
life that I actually want to do it. I feel
like it's so it seems hard because it feels like
it's easier to focus on everyone else.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Well here's here's that. That's a self respect issue. That's
self respect and you have to know that you are
worthy of your own time, energy, attention, and resources. That's
what being alone as you're as a child, because see
(08:54):
that's a function of neglect. Leaving a child alone is
a function of neglect. So you've grown up to neglect yourself.
Would that be accurate because you're not functioning with current events,
(09:14):
so you neglect your needs you neglect your your time,
your energy, your resources because you're looking at being alone
as a child as a backing, a scary thing, as
opposed to what it taught you that you can use
to strengthen your relationship with yourself. How about this, Hey,
(09:38):
I spent a lot of time with me and I
ain't so bad. How about that?
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Yeah I'm not.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
I'm okay In building a relationship with yourself. You want
to take what you've experienced and turn it to your bet,
not to your detriment and staying stuck in it was scary.
I was neglected, I was alone. That's not going to
(10:09):
your benefit.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
I never looked at it that way. All I've just
let myself be so sad and so angry about being
neglected and left alone, and then scared of being left alone,
left alone in my marriage, left by my children, let's right,
people at work. Yeah, I've never looked at it that way.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
So when when we are neglected as children, you know,
as children we learn by what we experience. That's that's
how we learn. So when we're neglected, or when we're alone,
or when we're overlooked, when we're not heard, we don't
really get a good reflection of who we are. So
(10:53):
we struggle to see who we are.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
We struggle.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
We don't see our strengths, we don't see our good
points because that's not what was reflected back to us.
And then we do what was done. But to come
current with who you are now, think of it this way,
belove it. You took care of yourself. You didn't hurt yourself,
You didn't jump out the window, you didn't burn the
house death. Did you do any of them things? Did
(11:18):
you burn the house down?
Speaker 4 (11:19):
Up?
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (11:23):
So?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:25):
As opposed to looking at how deep and dark and
scary it was, how about how look at how resourceful
I am. I was resourceful. I spent a lot of
time alone as a kid. I didn't burn the house down,
and I learned how to be with myself as opposed
to buy myself. And I wasn't so bad. I got
(11:49):
it done. Can you see God about yourself? Can you
see that you're not so bad and that you manage
the situation well as a little person?
Speaker 3 (12:00):
See that?
Speaker 1 (12:01):
So how can that help you today?
Speaker 3 (12:03):
It helped me to definitely have a different outlook on
being with myself and putting myself first. Uh, maybe learning
how to give myself more more grace and instead of
or not maybe even myself, maybe just giving others more
grief that the folks who left me alone. I guess
(12:25):
I should say.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Forget them and get them, forget them, forget, forgive them.
I'm saying forget, forget, forgive and forget, forget what they did,
and forget so that you can come current to today.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Everything like you're saying and makes absolute things. I just
I don't think I know where to started.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
I'm still you know, every time I get a you know,
a call, or every time I'm called on, it's like
I have to be there because I don't want to
be my mom. I don't want to be like. I
don't want my children to say my mom wasn't there
for me when I called her, you know, even if
I don't have the capacity to help force myself too,
(13:19):
because I don't want to be that mom.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
But do you understand that you are being that mom
to yourself. You're abandoning yourself, You're neglecting yourself when you
do things that you don't have the capacity to do
or the desire to do. How old are your children?
Speaker 3 (13:37):
I have an eight year old and a twenty two
year old.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Okay, so the twenty two year old, Oh well the
eight year old. Yeah, you know, they're very demanding.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
I feel like I'm neglecting myself. I whenever I do
something against kind of my own better judgment, it's a
little worse in my head and saying doing it again, doing.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
It again, and what are you willing to do about it?
Speaker 3 (14:05):
I want to stop. I want to change it. I
want to put a better practice in place, because then
I'm I'm tired. I'm so tired.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
But you have to know that you're worth it. And
if you give all of your time, energy, attention and
resources to other people, they will begin to feel entitled
to it, and particularly children. Children feel like they are
entitled to your life, so they will enjoy your life.
You ain't enjoying it. I have my great grandson. He's
(14:37):
six years old. So we sit down to eat dinner
together and then he'll want something, and I found myself
I'd get up and not and go get it. And
then a couple of months ago, I said, I'll get
it after I finish eating, but I need to well
get it or you wait, You sit there, eat your dinner,
(14:58):
but you want me to disrupt my dinner to go
get you something that you need to want. No, you
can have it after I'm done, because he can't enjoy
my dinner more than I do. Yeah, it starts with
simple little things like that, but it means recognizing. It's
(15:18):
self awareness. You got to be aware of little things
that you do that are neglectful, that are abusive, that
are disrespectful to you, and then you make little changes.
You have to make a commitment to yourself to do
it as soon as you become aware of it. Stop
(15:39):
putting yourself on hold. Do you know what that kind
of behavior is called? What you're doing waiting for people
to accept you and acknowledge you and see you and
treat you the way you want to be treated. Do
you know what that's called. It's called codependency for other
(16:00):
people to accept you. Have you accepted you fully? No?
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Oh, I don't fully know. I don't feel like I
fully know who I am. If you know, people ask
you what do you like to do? And who are you?
And I find that I reach for parts of my
life where people have congratulated me. You're giving me accolades,
(16:27):
and I say, oh, that's what I like to do. Well,
that's who I am, instead of I don't really know
how to answer that question.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
You know, Yeah, that's a powerful awareness. That's a powerful
awareness that I don't really know who I am. I
don't really know what I like. I don't really know
what floats my boat. So in developing a better relationship
with yourself, self awareness, self acceptance, that's the where you start.
(16:55):
What are you good at?
Speaker 2 (16:56):
What are you not good at?
Speaker 1 (16:58):
See, I'm good at a lot of I'm not good
at singing. I am not good at singing, But I
know that. Now does that stop me from singing? Oh?
Hell to the no. And it don't matter to me
that my singing sounds bad to other people. I just
try not to do because I don't want to assault
(17:19):
people's earlobes. But at least I know that I'm bad
at singing. So that's the thing, beloved, you know, getting
to know yourself. Getting to record. Okay, Now, why am
I doing that? Why am I getting up from my
dinner to go get a six year old to catch it?
Why am I doing this? I want to encourage you
(17:44):
to look at the things that you're doing with your
children with other people and as opposed to reflecting back on.
I got to do this so I'm not alone. I
know how to be alone. If they get upset with
the eight year old, ain't going nowhere. You got another
ten years with him or her the twenty two year old.
(18:07):
Give them permission to do it for themselves so that
they don't repeat your pattern.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
I need to. I need to let go and get
more of me, give more to me.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Well, as a mom, you're not gonna let go, but
you can shift. You're not gonna let go, but you
can shift. And don't just shift, you know, out of
the clear blue, because you've trained the people in your
life how to treat you and what to expect. Shift
with an explanation. You know, you know what. I'm not
(18:42):
doing that anymore. I used to do it and resent
myself for doing it. So I'm not doing that anymore. Now.
This is what I can do, but that I'm not
doing that. Shift with an explanation. That's how you take
care of yourself and teach yourself. I can't stand up
for me. I am worthy of my own time, energy, resources,
(19:07):
and I can use my voice to take care of myself. Well,
you don't sound pressed.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
I know it's I'll admit I'm quite stubborn or I
don't know that's the right thing you even say.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
But you're not stubborn. You're addicted to suffering because as
a little person home by yourself, there was nothing you
could do about it, and you suffered being alone, you
suffered being afraid, you suffered being ignored, just suffered being neglected,
you suffered being abused, and you became addicted. So now
you're addicted to suffering. So even when something comes in
(19:51):
to tell you this is how you can end just suffering,
you're going to go right back into the addiction at home.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
Yeah, feels like an addiction.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
It is.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
I don't want it no more, but I can't. Yeah,
I can't get away from me.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
You know, I haven't been able to. I haven't been
in the past. I haven't been able to. Not that
I can't. You can. And it's about making a conscious choice,
a conscious choice, little by little, day by day, moment
by moment. Start here, I am who I am, and
(20:32):
I'm okay. Do you believe that?
Speaker 4 (20:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (20:36):
I do.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
You can choose to heal day by day, day by day,
day by day.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
Okay, yeah, I want. I want to heal a real
I do choose.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
It because in building a better relationship with yourself, you
don't want to take on more than yourself can handle
in the moment. Right now, let's just eliminate the suffer. Okay,
let's recover from me. They don't even mention healing yet.
Get until today and let's do you know, because in
(21:12):
recovery they tell you to take it minute by minute,
and then hour by hour, then day by day, day
by day, and then two days at a time, three
days at a time. You know, they don't say you recover.
You get a chip for every thirty days in recovery.
(21:34):
So let's do that. Give yourself a chip. What would
your chip be if you make it through a day
where you take one step to eliminate the addiction to suffering,
or how you contribute to your suffering. What would be
a chip? A prize that you could give yourself, what
(21:54):
would it be?
Speaker 3 (21:55):
I like to dance?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Okay, so could you have three minutes a day sing
at the end of the day. If you get through
a day where you take one step towards eliminating your suffering.
Could you dance? What's your favorite song?
Speaker 3 (22:09):
I want to dance with somebody.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Let's not do I want to dance with somebody. That's
the more external validation. With another song?
Speaker 3 (22:17):
Oh god, okay about I.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Didn't know my own strength? How about that one? Could
you dance to that?
Speaker 3 (22:25):
Yes? I could? I could dance.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
So you work on that, You work on What is
the little treat that I can give myself? What is
the little special I will?
Speaker 3 (22:37):
I will work on that.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
Okay, thank you for calling beloved, and take good care
of you. Take good care of you because you are
the best thing you've got.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
Thank you. I will, I will Okay.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Bye bye. Listen. When we're building a relationship with ourselves,
the best way again back to self awareness. Become aware
of the thing that you do that takes you down.
Make a commitment to do a little bit each day
(23:15):
to move beyond that behavior or to dismantle that belief.
And whatever you do in that day, reward yourself for it.
Reward yourself. I don't care if it's two potato chips
or three chocolate of an almonds, or a dance or
a gold star on the calendar. As children, I don't
(23:37):
know if they still do it. In school, we used
to get gold stars silver stars, depending upon how soon
you completed your work and if you got it right,
and if you give yourself a gold star if you
don't have resources to spend, or put a dollar in
a jar, or put the dollar in the savings account
so that you can buy yourself something from just day
(23:57):
by day. Becoming aware of what I was doing that
was not serving my higher and greater goods, we got
one more caller. Hang on, let's see who it is. Meetings.
Be loved and welcome to the artist. I thank you
for your patience. So what is it that you want
to share?
Speaker 4 (24:16):
I want to share the relationship with myself. First, I
did some self work about two and a half three
years ago. I started doing for self work, and I
thought I had gotten to a point where I was
in a healthy relationship with myself. And then I asked
God for a man, and I was very very sopisific
about what I wanted in him. And God send me
a man, and I forgot to ask God to have
(24:39):
him read my mind. And I find myself in this
relationship with him, and I loved him so dearly and
I found myself in this relationship with him, and I'm
not able to articulate always and communicate with him how
(25:01):
I want to like. I find myself get real nervous
when I feel like it may be a confrontation or
it may be something that he doesn't agree with, and
I get nervous. I shut down, and I don't know
what you're doing. I've never been in a relationship with
a man, and I have four children. I've been in
(25:23):
I've been married, and I'm just funny help for my mama.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
So you have a difficulty asking for what you want?
Speaker 4 (25:34):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (25:35):
And why is that?
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Why is it difficult for you to ask for what
you want? And the way you can identify that is
just close your eyes and take a breath. It's hard
for me to ask that I want.
Speaker 4 (25:48):
Because it's hard for me to ask for what I
want because I may not like to answer again.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Okay, take another breath.
Speaker 4 (25:58):
It's hard for me to ask for what I want
because I'm not being all the way honest.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
How about because I don't believe I can have it.
And that doesn't mean a bad relationship with yourself. It
may mean that you don't trust your voice. Yeah, we'll
talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to
the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. I
(26:28):
learn very early that when I ask for what I want,
I get in trouble. I either upset somebody, or I
get yelled at, or I get dismissed, or I get diminished.
That's just an awareness. That doesn't mean that I have
(26:49):
a bad relationship with myself. What makes me have a
bad relationship with myself is not asking for what I
want and then acting like I don't want it. Explain
that to me, what is that?
Speaker 4 (27:07):
Because I never thought about thinking that I deserve what
I want that I don't deserve it. I think that's
probably I ask for what I want, and I got
exactly what I wanted, and now I don't feel like
I deserve it.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Okay, And why don't you deserve it?
Speaker 4 (27:30):
I think it's easier to beat myself up and more familiar.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Yes, And I.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Yeah, it's familiar to lose what I want or not
have what I want. So you may be finding ways
to chase this man away.
Speaker 4 (27:49):
Right right, And I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
No, then don't do it.
Speaker 4 (27:56):
Tell me how to not do it?
Speaker 1 (28:00):
For what you want with no attachment to the answer.
All you have to do is ask for what you want.
The thing is, you've got to break the pattern. The pattern.
You have to interrupt the pattern. So if the pattern
is not asking for what you want, acting like you
don't want it, and then becoming resentful because you didn't
(28:21):
get it, that's the pattern. And in a good relationship
with yourself, you have to be aware of your patterns
and how you do, what.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
You do and what you get as a result.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
So you're saying you ask the universe for something. God
source created the universe, it brought you what you want.
Now you're functioning in the belief that you don't deserve it,
so you'll set it up where you blow it up.
You blow your life up because of not believing you
deserve it. So you're aware of that. If you have
(28:56):
a good relationship with yourself, you're aware of that. Okay,
to be mindful that I'm feeling unworthy here and that
you know the deceptive intelligence is going to cause me
to blow this thing up. So what do I need
to do? Where's that? Where's the trigger? The trigger isn't
asking for what I want? So you can always say
to your beloved. You know what, I'm really afraid to
(29:19):
say this right now, but I got to ask you this,
and what I want is blah blah blah. What do
you want that you're not asking him?
Speaker 4 (29:26):
Well, he is. He's very frugal and he's very good financially.
He's very good, and I'm opposite. So he came. He
came in. First of all, we had this world romance.
We met and we've been together ever since the day
that we met. And it's so seven months in. I
have a beautiful, engaging ring where I'm perfect. I mean,
everything is perfect, but because.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Wait, wait a minute, that's not true. Everything is perfect
and you haven't shown up fully in the relationship by
not asking for what you want. That's not true that
everything is perfect. Ideally we talking about reality.
Speaker 4 (30:09):
Reality, and I don't you know he is he I
don't ask, I don't ask for allowance. I feel like
I should have money to do whatever I want, and
he feels like I'm not good with money, so I
don't need money to do it whatever I want to
(30:29):
do with So I'm having trouble asking him, like, how
do we how do we go forward with me having
a certain amount of money that just I can do
whatever I want to do with.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
All right, so my ears are now it's you made
my ears itch. Are you financially dependent upon him or
do you have your own money? Oh?
Speaker 4 (30:54):
I have my own money.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
So then what do you mean you got to ask
him for an allowance?
Speaker 4 (31:00):
Oh well, then let me give you. Let me give
you the background. So I had a lot of debt
and he's helping me pay the debt. My debt to
my income ratio is not I don't make enough money
to pay the debt. I'm not responsible for any household responsibility.
He takes care of all of those needs, and he's
paying my debt. He's paying my debt off rapidly, so
(31:22):
my debt will be probably gone in June and moving
forward past June, I want to know, like, well, I
have money to just have like an allowance, like to
blow And he's like, you don't need money. You're irresponsible
with money. You got to learn responsibility. You got to
be disciplined with your money. And I get that. I worked,
(31:43):
so there should be money that I could just do
whatever I want to do with.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Let me let me just see if I got this
help me, because like I said, my ear is an interest.
You are a working woman who can spell her name
and tie her shoes, and you asking somebody else what
you can and can't do with your money seven months in? Really,
is that what I am? I hearing you say that, Oh,
(32:08):
there's it too much brandy in my deep.
Speaker 4 (32:12):
You heard me correct?
Speaker 1 (32:13):
Oh, my lord, help me gouge my eye out with
a plastic spoon. Gouge my eye out with a plastic spoon.
And I understand that he's paying supporting you in the
elimination of debt. I understand that, And I understand that
in the past you've made some poor choices and bad
(32:35):
decisions regarding money. But how will you ever know that
you're healed if you don't have money to manage in
a better.
Speaker 4 (32:42):
Way My sentiments exactly. And so when I presented it
to him, initially, the word choice that I used to
do whatever I want to do with that sounded irresponsible
to him. I work, I don't should not have to
explain to you what I'm going to do. This is
my money that I can do whatever I want to do,
to buy a snicker bar or whatever I want to do.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Why not? Why can't you take one hundred dollars fifty
dollars seventy five dollars. If you can't have an open,
honest conversation about that, how are you How can you
say everything is perfect? And why can't you say listen,
this is what I'm doing because I've learned my lesson.
I'm keeping one hundred dollars as my mad money. I'm
(33:26):
keeping one hundred dollars. If I got to pay twenty
dollars less on this debt, I'll do that, but I'm
going to have one hundred dollars.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
That's what I'm doing.
Speaker 4 (33:34):
But I agree with you. I'm going to present that
to him like that. I'm going to take one hundred
dollars fifty dollars every two weeks to do with whatever period.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
But see, you're making this about him and what's off
in your relationship with yourself that's creating this. He doesn't
trust you with money, but you don't trust you with money,
and you're getting so overwhelmed or you know, taking her
back by the fact that the debt is being paid off.
(34:05):
The debt's being paid off with your money. So if
he doesn't trust you with money, beloved, you don't trust
you with money. And you're still beating yourself up about
the mistakes that you made in the past and avoiding
the responsibility of proving that you've changed. You've changed. See,
(34:27):
I come from the old school. Forgive me. I come
from the old school. My grandmama told me every woman
she needs a set of china, she needs a change
of underwear, and she needs the low money stashed somewhere
that nobody don't know about but her. Do you trust
yourself with your own money?
Speaker 3 (34:47):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Well, see that's what he's reflecting back to you. First
of all, all of this is about lack of limitation.
That's why people do bad things with money, and they
overspend and they go into debt and credit cards and
and all of that stuff because they're moving from lacking
limitation what they don't have. What are you lacking? What
do you tell yourself that you're lacking? You don't know enough,
(35:09):
You're stupid, you don't have enough luck, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
You have to understand that.
Speaker 4 (35:13):
Yeah, I am financially responsible now, but I guess I'm
trying to prove myself, and it's just I don't have
to prove myself.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
But you got a couple of things that you really
want to look at here. Number one. So you had
all of this debt and this angel has come in
to support you in clearing the debt because you didn't
believe you could do it on your own. And you're
giving all the credit to the angel and not to you.
You're not taking any of the credit for yourself. Because
(35:43):
you've done this for seven months. You've surrendered to the process.
What if you learned. You've learned how to manage money better,
You've learned how to make your priorities. These are the
things that the Angel has come and taught you. But
you don't have to be holding to the damn angel.
(36:03):
Let me tell you this is my This is straight
up my quilting fabric story. Okay, do you know about
my quilting fabric?
Speaker 2 (36:11):
Okay, let me tell you so.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
I never really had a lot of debt, but I
never had no money. Nobody, I didn't have nothing. I
didn't have no debt because I believe in cash, cash
and carry. If I can't afford it in the moment,
I'm not buying it. But when I started quilting, I
had an addiction to the Quilton fabric.
Speaker 2 (36:32):
It used to be scrapbooking. Now it's quilting.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
So I would be buying quilting fabric and then I'd
get the credit card bills and I just want to
throw myself naked in the middle of the road and
drink vodka straight out the bottle because I'm like, what
in the world are you doing? So I had to
put myself on restriction, not because of anything other than
in my relationship with myself. I was doing something that
(36:58):
was hurting me. So I had to put myself on restriction.
I need nobody to tell me that I had to
do it, And because I loved me and I don't
like to worry and have anxiety, that's what I did.
So I would put myself on restriction. But even on restriction,
I said, you got fifty dollars a month, you can
(37:19):
spend on quoting fact. That's it. Cannot spend no more
than fifty dollars a month. Okay, Well that didn't work
too well. So I had to go back in and
I had to say, Okay, why are you what? What's
what the quoting fact? What are you doing? You know?
And there was a void, there was a hold, there
(37:40):
was something that I was missing, and I found out
it was my relationship with my daughter, you know. And
so I said to you, okay, you got to heal
up that that so that you're not trying to avoid
with the money, with the with the thing with the
quilt fab So I did that, and as I got
(38:04):
better in my relationship with my daughter, the need to
buy the quilt and fabric diminished. It didn't go away,
it diminished. So I gave myself one hundred dollars a month.
I gave myself one hundred dollars that I could spend,
you know, because I improved the relationship. And then you know,
it just kind of went away. And then I found
(38:24):
myself doing it again, and I was like, what are
you doing? Okay, so I had to sit down with
myself and I had to say, okay, what is going
on here? And you know what it was. It was
something so simple. I just liked the pretty colors. I
like the colors, so I have to give myself permission
to like it, but also discipline myself. So here's my
(38:48):
question to you about him, about you, what is the
spending of the money about Heal that up and learn
that you can be trusted and give yourself parameters. Give
yourself a container, a structure. If it's one hundred dollars
a paycheck, fine, but you can't go over that. And
(39:11):
if you do, then you don't get to throw yourself
on the railroad track. You can get to say, Okay,
what is this taking me over this hundred dollars a month?
And that's about you beloved in your relationship with you,
not with him, because you don't want to be beholden
to anybody about this healing that you've created for yourself.
(39:32):
You created him, you attracted him, you brought him into
your life. He's serving a purpose and you love him,
he loves you. You all are going to get married,
but you but you got to be able to have
a complete conversation and on this conversation. Does that make
sense to you?
Speaker 4 (39:46):
Right? It makes sense?
Speaker 1 (39:48):
Yeah, don't abdicate your responsibility to do your healing work
in your relationship with yourself. And if you don't trust
you with money, he will never trust you with money.
And when you build that relationship between you and money,
what is your relationship with money? That's the next show
we're going to do. What's your relationship with Bunny? And
(40:09):
most important of all, in this relationship with him, and
I'm not losing sight of the fact it's easier to
beat yourself up. That's also something that you got to
work on so that you don't blow this relationship up,
so that you have see that's what I did.
Speaker 2 (40:28):
I did.
Speaker 1 (40:29):
He was a good man and he helped me get
out of dead and I blew the money whatever. Heal
up that stuff and you learn to trust yourself. Become
current in your relationship with yourself. Who are you today?
Who are you as a spiritual warrior? Who are you
as a full grown woman and her big panties with
(40:52):
a man who honors, loves and respects her. Who are you?
You're not a little girl waiting for daddy. You're not
a irresponsible with money. Come current in the truth of
who you are today, and behave accordingly. Behave accordingly.
Speaker 4 (41:08):
Absolutely. I just need to see hear my mama, tell
me that's who I am. I'm a powerful creator. That's
who I am, and I emagesty, I emagency, and I
know who I am and I need.
Speaker 1 (41:19):
To walk in Okay, there you go, all right, bye,
I ain't talking to you no more. Yeah, you know,
we will talk ourselves out of it. Too much mind.
I love that line from the Last Samurai. He was
(41:40):
fighting learning the martial arts with one of the Samurai warriors,
and the young boy said to him, too much mind.
In our relationship with ourselves, sometimes we have too much mind.
Remember what happened and what we didn't do, and what
(42:02):
they did and what they should have done. But come current,
be current. Who am I today? What am I doing
right now? What do I feel right now? Respect yourself
enough to be aware of who you are now. You've
read a book, you took a class, you saw a podcast,
(42:25):
you listen to somebody. Take that information and act on
it in your relationship with yourself right now, and stop
worrying about what didn't happen or what you did yesterday,
what you did last week. Well, I can say I
haven't bought no quilting material because I was minding my business.
Speaker 2 (42:44):
Y'll, you know how to.
Speaker 1 (42:47):
Stuff pop up on the side of your computer. There
was quilting fabric and the name of the collection was Beloved. Okay,
I pop right up in my computer. Now you know
I had to buy that. I had to because the
name of the line of fabric was called Beloved. So
(43:12):
hear what I did you know when you buy quilting fabric,
you can buy a bundle, you can buy a charm pack,
you can buy a jelly roll. These are all the
different ways that the fabric is cut. I had to
buy Beloved, but I didn't have to buy the most
expensive one, so I bought it. I bought the middle one,
one that costs forty dollars, not the one that costs
(43:33):
ninety seven. Because in my relationship with myself, I want
to honor myself not also want to identify and stop
the ways I contribute to myself. What is your relationship
with yourself? Are you aware of yourself? Do you respect yourself?
(43:57):
Do you value yourself? You honor your worth?
Speaker 2 (44:01):
And do you love yourself?
Speaker 1 (44:03):
Begin within work on those things. I hope that you
know something now that you didn't know when you tuned in.
And until we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces.
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
(44:23):
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
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