February 28, 2024 • 53 mins
Stephan Speaks returns to spill the tea on the truth about how men date. This time, Iyanla and Stephan discuss the wandering penis versus the accidental cheating, and how spirituality can help guide men toward healing.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the ur Spot, a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings. I
(00:39):
am I'm La van Zandt. Welcome back to the Our Spot.
My guest today Relationship Certified Relationship and Dating Coach Stefan,
And we're talking about some of the little intricate details
and potholes that go into relationships. I had a whole
thing that I wanted to talk to you about, but
I've surrendered. We're going where we're going. We were talking
(01:02):
about clearing up trauma, clearing up emotional breakdown, if you will,
and how to do it and why we need to
do it.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
The real issue is people lack healing. The woman who
cannot process her emotions is because she has blockage. That
blockage is due to the trauma that she experienced and
has not resolved and flushed out of us. That she
just hasn't been taught to well, taught to yes but
I do think that there's a I was literally on
the phone last night with a close friend and she's
been holding on to the same trauma.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
For you forever.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
But does she know it was trauma.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Yes, she's fully aware. It's just that it's scary to
have to face that and have to go through that
place and you don't know how to.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
You don't know how to.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
As well as I believe part of the reason why
it's even harder for some women. It's going back to
what we first talked about. Women are impacted emotionally more
women having so the same way you said, the feeling
of inadequacy can crush the man right. A woman having
to look herself in the mirror and say I was
wrong or you know, I made these mistakes, I did this.
(02:07):
That's hard because she's internalizing it.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Women of color, let me not say black because I'm black, brown,
and red. Here's what I want to put out in
so that you can share with the brothers and so
that in defense of my sisters. Is the last thing
that a woman of color can own is that there's
something wrong with her, because we are programmed and conditioned
(02:33):
to believe that who we are is wrong. We're wrong
from the jump. We're wrong because our butter bit is big,
although people are now buying butts. We're wrong because our
hair is nappy, although so people are straightening and weaving it.
We're wrong. We are wrong as who we are. We're
not if we're not light, if we're not frail, if
(02:54):
we're not whatever. The overall, you know, society, black women,
brown women, red women are taught, programmed, and conditioned in
the matrix to believe that we are wrong as who
we are. So it's challenging difficult for us as women
to admit that we've done something wrong because that's almost
(03:18):
like acknowledging I am wrong. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (03:22):
And I also think what adds to it, and this
is not just for black women but just for people
in general, is when you have lived with your trauma
for so long, you create an identity and you believe
this is who you are. So, for example, if you're
a woman who experienced trauma and now you have a
very negative attitude, all right, you're very sharp with your tongue.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Okay, wait a minute, hold on, I think I had
this fight with you in the video too. But that's
all right. First of all, if you live with the
trauma part of the challenges. We own it and make
it ours, and that's why we can't get rid of it.
It's not yours. It's an experience. So if you own
(04:04):
and live with the trauma, what are we talking about?
Sexual abuse, physical violence, physical neglect. I'm raising my great
grandson who is a mixed race male and learned about
the trauma cause by the deprivation of nutrition, the deprivation
(04:28):
of nutrici because of the way his mother ate didn't
eat and what she had to go through to get food,
and how that shows up for him. You know how
many women and men of color or just poverty have
trauma from the deprivation of nutrici, not knowing where your
(04:50):
next meal is coming from, food scarcity. That's a trauma
that so many of us don't even recognize and understand.
So I just want on it to say that. But anyway,
so her tongue may be sharp, yes, because she was
deprived nutrition.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
I don't know that, and that's fine. But what happens
is when you create this identity from that based on
the trauma, and you have to face the idea or
the prospect of now removing that trauma you're afraid of with,
then who am I aptlete?
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Might gonna be? Exactly gonna be? Will I be enough
without this?
Speaker 3 (05:24):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (05:25):
And how do I navigate life without this? Like it
becomes the fear of the unknown, don't I don't know
what's waiting for me on the other side. So one
of the people I was recently speaking to, that's literally
what she was saying, like, I'm just afraid. I don't
know what to expect, and I'm like, listen you. All
we know is that you will have more peace and
from there things can start to fall into place. You
(05:45):
can't get to a better place until you fully heal
and release this trauma. Don't overthink it, don't look too
far ahead. Let's just focus on addressing these very specific issues.
I think also what has caused it created a more
difficulty with facing our traumas is people have piled up
so much of it. So the analogy I like to
(06:06):
use is people keep stuffing things in their emotional closet,
and the closet is getting bigger and bigger, and so
now when you try to pull one thing out everything
and you just are overwhelmed. They're like, I can't do this,
and I had to tell us, like, listen, you gotta
go in that closet, crack the door, pull one thing
out real quick, deal with that one thing, go back,
(06:26):
pull the next thing out.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Sooner or later.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
The door is getting lighter and lighter. And now what'sever left.
You'd have worked through all the big stuff. Then now
it's going to be easy to open the door. The
less that pours out, you'll get through it just fine.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
And you're good.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Well, I have an even better, better process than that
that I put on my Sun salutations. This is a
shameless pluging on my Sun salutation's meditation. Now, but surrender
it all. Surrender it all and ask for grace. Surrender
it all and ask for grace because the truth of
the matter, even pulling it out and choosing what you
(07:02):
are going to deal with, put you in control and
not God's source created a Holy Spirit, because if you
really knew what you needed, you would have done it
a long time ago. So I say, surrendered it all,
and I say, Holy Spirit, go in the closet and
get what you think I need to hear right now,
which brings me to another point that I want to
make right after this break welcome back to the R spot.
(07:31):
Let's pick up where we left off. This is a
thing that I want to ask you about man and trauma,
because so many of us are broken and wounded and traumatized.
And where better do we find that out than in
our relationships. You bring all your baggage and your monogram
luggage into your relationship. People don't mind digging through their baggage,
(07:55):
but they hold their monogram luggage very tightly, expensive paid
dearly for this. And I have a saying in my
world that I live by, and is that a man
who is not accountable to somebody is a danger to
himself and everyone else and stefan. So many men are
(08:20):
not accountable for their trauma, for their behavior, for their wounding,
the wounds that they inflict. Talk to me about men
and accountability to themselves, for themselves for their behavior.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
What's well? I think?
Speaker 2 (08:42):
So one me being a man of God, I believe
that the accountability comes from having God in your life. Yes,
regardless of what specific belief system you have, if you
have a God, if you have a higher power, that
creates the accountability that a man really needs to stay
on a certain path. I do think a lot of
men today are getting caught up in the battle of accountability.
(09:04):
So basically it's, oh, well, the women don't take accountability
while they're not taking accountability themselves, and it's just going
back and forth and people not realizing you can only
control you, So you need to focus on are you
doing what you're supposed to do. I also think that
for a lot of men, when it comes to when
you said inflicting the wounds, a lot of men are
(09:25):
not aware of the wounds they inflict. They do not understand.
Part of that is just due to their own ignorance.
Some of that is due to.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Brainwashing, in my opinion, all right.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
And tell me more, tell me about the brain.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
So not to bring it all the way back to
the sex, but the sex is a great example. So
one of the things I think that has caused brainwashing
and creates this wound infliction in the many cases is
telling men women want sex.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
Just like they do.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
All right, who said that?
Speaker 2 (10:00):
There's a lot of people say that. I was even
at once many years ago, flown into I won't say
which site, but it was a very popular dating site.
There was twelve of us, and they had this whole
presentation and One of them was a scientist, well renowned
best selling author, and she pointed out a study that
said the women wanted sex just as much as men,
and I jumped in and I was like, no, no, no,
(10:22):
that can't be right.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
I said.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
What they're doing is they're conflating intimacy with sex, and
what women want is the intimacy, and what they're accustomed
to is not being able to get the intimacy without
the sex. Ok So it goes hand in hand to them.
But if you said you could just have the intimacy
or just the sex, most women are choosing the intimacy.
Most men are choosing the sex. We don't desire it
(10:44):
the same. But now if you tell men that we
want it the same, then men don't understand the emotional
factors and mental factors that go into a woman being
sexually receptive. They don't understand how he needs to put
or into her in those other intimate ways communication, togetherness, closeness, affection,
(11:05):
all these different things. So now when he has that
situation where he just wants to sleep with her, to
hint to a lot of minutes, like, well, okay, she's
enjoying it just like me. I didn't do anything wrong here,
not realizing that he left her completely void in the
other eras that she really craved from him, all right,
And this pours over into the relationships, which is why
(11:26):
in some cases it's not that the sex wasn't good
at some point with them, it's that the man does
not know how to continuously activate that sexual desire in
her by pouring into her emotionally and mentally.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
So again, what if.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
He's emotionally void, If he doesn't know how to communicate
his emotions, if he doesn't know how to name them,
what if he's void.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
I think when a man loves a woman, he's willing
to do things he doesn't do for anyone else.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
So, even though he may be so, I don't yes,
that is so.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
So I don't think he's completely void. I just think
that one A lot of men are just not motivated.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
So here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
A lot of women and men have to understand. A
lot of the issues we're seeing are not because men
are bad, women are bad, or this person doesn't know this.
That person doesn't know this is because you're dealing with
the wrong person. And when you're dealing with the wrong person,
expect for things to go left, so meaning you can
have a man. And if he's dating ten women casually,
(12:30):
with those ten women.
Speaker 3 (12:31):
He's very closed off.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
He's very emotionally detached because I don't want to get
emotionally invested when I'm just trying to be casual and
have fun with you. I don't need you get any
your feelings. I don't need you expecting more out of
me emotionally.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
And who is he accountable to for that behavior?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Well, again, if she's claiming she's okay with the dynamic,
why would he think I'm doing something wrong and wounds exactly.
But that's why I said it's not to his He
doesn't know that because she's claiming I'm good, I can
deal with this situation.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Shit, but you know you're not happy. Now.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
That same dude who's emotionally detached with those same ten women,
Let him meet woman number eleven that he thinks this
is my future wife I'm in love with, and he
will try. He may not be great at it, but
he will try to be more open. He will try
to be more expressive. If she says to him, I
need this more out of you, he will listen and
he will make an attempt to adjust.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
So when you're there, and then and then when she
doesn't want him, and is he wounded.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Absolutely, And this is what happens when the man finally
has the woman that he wants and now she rejects him.
Going back to what we talked about it right beginning,
he's what I always say behind every player is.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
A story of a man who got played. Okay, all right.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
You will see many situations where a young man can
be raised to be a player.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
All his uncles like.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Have multiple women, don't ever have just one woman. And
yet there will still be an instance where he meets
a woman, falls deeply for her and wants to let
go of all the women for her, but because he
does not know how to handle his emotions. Okay, and
a lot of women just goes to the brainwashing again.
A lot of women are so the idea. If he
(14:12):
loves you, he's supposed to.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Be perfect with it.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
He's supposed to be perfect with his expression, with the
way he treats you.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
He's supposed to make no mistakes if he loves you.
And if he makes any mistake, that's proof that he's
just like the rest of them. So, now this man
who actually loves her, who actually is trying his hardest,
makes a mistake because he's human. We all make mistakes.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Wait a minute, I know, hold that thought is a
mistake that your penis ends up in somebody else's vagina.
Is that a mistake or did it just fall in?
You know? Because that's mistake men make a lot of time.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
I know people aren't gonna like this, but hear me out,
hear me out there are cheating is a very case
by case thing. There are some scenarios where it is
an actual miss What I mean by that, Listen, here's
what I mean. Okay, I did one example. I'm being quiet,
all right, and I'm gonna use this example on the
women's side for a second. I know a woman, she
(15:10):
was married, She went on a business trip. During the
business trip, they all hung out. They were drinking during
that time at the bar, something happened. She ended up
kissing one of the guys. Well, he kissed her and
she kissed back. This wasn't her trying to intentionally go
out there and do something. This is something that because
you were not mindful of the things that can lead
into the trouble to drinking, to being out late it
(15:32):
led to this.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
The parents just fell into the vagina.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Now, they didn't have sex, But the point is, like
it can be a mistake in the sense that this
was a bad decision. This was a one art thing,
got it, all right? This is not the same thing
as someone carrying on an affair.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Okay. So and the flip side that he was drinking
got attracted to somebody, you know, they ended up you know,
under the stairway or in the hotel room or whatever,
and the peenis just fell into the vagina.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Get it.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Now, Now let's talk about the ongoing penis. Now gets
in the car, drives down, picks up, you know, and
then right, the intentional roaming penis. Let's talk about that
one with no integrity, no accountability, because I don't think
we finished up our conversation about cheating. Tell me about
(16:23):
that penis, okay, the intentional roaming penis.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
So again, there's there's layers to this because there are
some men who live by the idea that cheating is
just what happens, all right. So like, for example, you'll
have a man say, well, all men cheat. The minute
a man says all men cheat, pretty much that that
means he's gonna he's gonna cross that line at some point.
All right, he's pretty much telling stuff. Now, there are
(16:46):
some men who are telling women, especially in today's world, hey,
I don't do monogamy. This is to me that we
can't really classify that as cheating because if you, yes,
it's announced, if we have agreed upon this dynamic, that
that's just allo relationship, that's something different. But the one
who is lying, who is selling monogamy but then still
cheating for some again with no accountability, well, it's not
(17:12):
just no accountability. The problem is a lot of men struggle.
And this is not to give sympathy to the cheater.
This is just the reality of it. A lot of
men struggle from walking away from their relationship for various reasons.
All Right, I one, Yes, I've had tons of men
who don't even cheat, yet who will DM me giving
me a laundry list of all the toxic things his
(17:35):
partner does, and say.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
How do I keep her okay?
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Because here's the question. Is the question that you want
to leave or is the question that you don't know
how to stay based on what's present?
Speaker 2 (17:49):
So I'll give one example. Man gets married, has kids
with this woman, the sex falls off a cliff. It's
namn near nonexistent. Okay, but this does not have family elsewhere.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
This is his world.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
To him, I'm not gonna leave all that I have,
Face the prospect of not being with my kids, consistently,
face the prospect of any financial ramifications that come from this,
face just all the legal things I have to deal
with if I can just satisfy this urge of attention, affection, sex,
whatever somewhere else while maintaining home.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Now, So the intentional, the intentional roaming penis sometimes it's
just the release, the way that we don't lose everything
we have.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Yes, so he to him.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
You know, for some men, for some people, they're hoping
that the cheating is temporary. Some people cheat with the
idea of Okay, I'm gonna do this right now to
get this need met. But my hope is that my
partner's gonna finally come around and we're gonna be good,
and then I can just go back home and I
don't gotta worry about this anymore. But they don't realize
it's only gonna prolong the process, and chances are it's
(19:03):
not gonna get fixed. If you're out there in these streets,
you know, getting your knees mail elsewhere. But there are
some men who that, yes, they feel like having this
supplement of a side woman. You know, there's some men
who think having a side chick strengthens the main relationship.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
And there's some side chicks who are okay being side chicks.
But that's a whole other conversation ahead.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Yes, So to him, it's like, yeah, why am I
gonna throw away everything here that I built just because
I need this one need met that my wife is
unwilling to fulfilled. But then let's add another layer to it.
Because as much as people say, why don't you just leave?
If a man goes to his friends and family and
says I want to leave because my wife doesn't have
(19:46):
sex with me often enough, you know what they say
to him, Oh, give her more time. No one says, oh.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Yeah, yeah, go ahead, leave. It doesn't happen like that.
It's the same thing.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
If a woman is being sexually neglected and not satisfied,
she can't go to anyone to say I'm thinking about
leaving because he doesn't satisfy me sexually. All they're gonna
do is try to talk her out of it and
tell her why this is normal, so the person feels
like my only outlet is just to get the need
met and keep this in place.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Is that the intentional roaming vagina?
Speaker 3 (20:19):
It is, and there's a lot of there's a lot
more roaming vaginas than people realize.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. We
were talking about accountability, yes, and I want to say that,
whether the penis is roaming, the vagina's roaming, whether it's
a trauma response, whether it's a limited emotional vocabulary, we
are all gonna be held accountable for our behavior. We're
gonna be held accountable for our choices, We're gonna be
(20:47):
held accountable for our decisions. Which is why it's so
important for me that we really start getting some skills
and tools so that we can clean up our relationships.
I'm not even talking just about loving relationships. I'm talking
about parental relationships. I'm talking about sibling relationships. I want
to teach parents how to parent adult children, because some
(21:10):
parents treat their adults like their five and ten. I
want to teach adult children how to be in respectful,
loving relationships with their parents. You know, because your mother
gets on your nerves. You don't cut her off and
stop speaking to it and send out a Christmas card
in a text, you know. And because booble hurts you
(21:32):
back in fifty six, you can't treat Robert badly today.
And I sold all of this. It's so complex, and
I just think that it's coming to a head because
we are being held to a higher standard in the universe.
That's just me. I'm all help me.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
No. I definitely think what we're seeing is the cumbination
of just unresolved trauma over the years. Like a lot
of people will say, oh, we need relationships like our grandparents,
And I'm like, it's our grandparents' relationship.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Why y'all messed up?
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Now? Like the stain together just to stay together. But
creating a toxic, unhealthy household is what's poured over into
these people who have not become dysfunctional adults who now
don't know how to handle themselves in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
All right, So we have to stop this cycle.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
But again, it's gonna start with individually healing. So a
lot of people that're getting so caught up in the
landscape of how it looks with everyone else. These men
aren't getting help or these women aren't getting help.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
But it's like, what have you gotten help?
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Well, that's what I say. Is it them?
Speaker 2 (22:37):
Is it me?
Speaker 1 (22:38):
Is it us? And on that note, let's take a break.
We'll be right back. Welcome back to the our spot.
Let's get back to the conversation. Let me ask you
a question.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
What did you have to hear? So, let me tell
you my first experience with therapy? That was what it was,
My first thing I had to heal.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
So.
Speaker 3 (23:03):
I actually was in college.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
My father had took my car that morning, brought it back,
and we had a lot of conflict, and so like
I got so upset. Finally get my car back, I'm
rushing to school to go take my test. I literally
have an emotional breakdown on the highway.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
Pull over to this what does that look like?
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I just start crying. I was so mad and I
just start crying. And then I was like, yo, if
I don't pull over, I'm a crash. So I pulled over,
it cried, and I just turned back around and went home,
like I can't.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Go take this test.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
So I talked to my teacher, and of course he
was skeptical that I'm telling the truth. He thought I
just missed the test. He's like, well, if you want
to take this final, you have to go to a
school counselor. Now, at that time, I didn't believe in therapy,
you know how a lot of us in our community
all you know.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
I'm like, all right, I'm in a mail two.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Caribbean la, yes, Caribbean man.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
So I'm like, all right, that's what he needs so
I can take this test. Fine, I'm gonna go knock
this out, take this to as were good man. By
the time I was done with that session, I was
in tears and I did not realize all that I
was holding onto. And it was due to my parents.
And it was the fact that just the way that
they handled me, like I always feel like I was
(24:15):
a black sheep, you know. But for me, part of
what allowed me to heal was understanding my parents grew
up without their parents. My mom lost both of her
parents when she was like three four years old. My
father lost his father when he was like seven and
only had his mother. Plus we're Caribbean, Like, I'm convinced
when you examine any kind of foreign culture households, the
(24:37):
households are built on discipline, making something of your self respect.
It ain't about lovey dovey and expressing emotions, and particularly.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Not your ancestral lineage, which is Haitian exact, because of
the brutality that the people in that culture experience.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Yeah, so to me, it was like when I start
connecting all those dots and having that moment to be
able to express everything, which is why I believe a
lot of people they struggle with healing because they're not
fully releasing all their emotions and how they feel and
fully expressing themselves. But me being able to do that
like that was It's almost like it just clicked, like,
(25:16):
oh wait a minute, and I saw everything differently. And
now you know, now I have my father had passed
in two thousand and seven, but my mom still alive.
We have a great relationship, better relationship now than when
we were younger. Everything's great. And yeah, that was part
of my first experience with needing to heal, you know,
and understanding that whole process. And I think that I
(25:37):
refined the process even more as I went along, because
I have a book, Love After Heartbreak, where I break
down my healing process that anyone who does it, they're
gonna see the.
Speaker 3 (25:48):
Positive results, men or women.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
It's justice. It's a heavy experience. It's a heavy So
for example, the first step is what I call it
who hurt me lists. Get a piece of paper, right,
who hurt me? And ask yourself that question, who hurt me?
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Okay, did you hear that? That's an assignment from our
guests today. Get a piece of paper, and you want
to create a who hurt me list? And I want
to add to that what hurt me exactly? Because sometimes
it's not a who, it's what the who did?
Speaker 2 (26:17):
Yes exactly, So you will add that to each person
in each situation. So now we can identify because there's
a lot of people if they just ask themselves that
question and wrote it down, they might be shocked who
makes that list because they've been suppressing things for so long.
But it's almost like you're calling out the trauma when
you ask that question, and it hears it and it
(26:39):
starts coming in, you know. So now all right, now
we have our list, So then we have to let's
say we choose someone. So this kind of goes back
to picking that one thing out of the closet. So
let's say we start with the mother, because I found
We talk about that issues a lot, But mommy issues
are She's a beast.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
She's a beast, I tell you, because when mama break
your heart, it is shattered. Yes, daddy may break it
in half, Daddy may shredd it, but when Mama breaks
your heart, there are shards that go everywhere. And ask
me how I know?
Speaker 3 (27:11):
Ask how do you know? I had three children?
Speaker 1 (27:13):
That's how I know?
Speaker 3 (27:15):
And not to mention.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
What also compounds the issue is that we are more
afraid of expressing our disappointment, hurt, resentment towards our mothers.
Speaker 3 (27:24):
Than our father. We'll attack the hell of our out
of our fathers, but.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Our mothers is like, I don't want to. Yes, she's
a sacred cou exactly. So in this process we do
two drafts. We do we're gonna write a letter. The
first draft is just you letting everything out. It's yes,
it's essentially an emotional detox.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
You gotta flush it out because what people do is
they'll say, well, I talked to.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
My mother before. No, you had your moment of lashing out.
You said a few things, but you didn't get everything out.
Speaker 3 (27:54):
Or you wrote a letter, but in writing that letter
you try to find the right things to say.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
You had it exactly, so you were softer with what
you so you didn't let the raw emotion that needs
to be purged out of your system out, So that
first draft is a pursing of it. So I don't
care if you're insulting her, wishing death on her. I
don't care what evil thing comes out of you, because
it needs to come out.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
You know, I say that to people. My mother was
an alcoholic who died when I was two. Nobody ever
bothered to tell me that until I was thirty, so
I was raised you know, for me, lying in the relationship,
that's the kryptonite. Don't lie to me. But when I
found out at thirty that my mother had died and
the woman who raised me wasn't my mother, blah blah blah.
(28:37):
But the thing was, my mother was an alcoholic. And
when I started hearing the stories about it, you know,
first of all, I was so heartbroken that my mother
had died. Then I was pissed off, you know. So
in the pisosity is where I could tell the truth.
(28:57):
And I will say, you know, in my healing, I
said my mother was a pissy drunk, a fall down
pissy drunk. Now I can say that about her. You
can't say that. But it was in that level of
telling the rock got truth about how I felt that
I could get the feelings of to even get to
the sadness of oh damn, my mama died, and all
(29:20):
this time I thought it was just my father's unaccountability, irresponsibility,
lack of integrity when he was grieving the fact that
the love of his life died and left him with
two children. Well, I won't bother to mention that my
mother was the other woman that's not and that he
had a wife a rather corner. But okay, So that
(29:43):
part of it of identifying who hurts you and what
hurts you. What hurt me was that nobody told me
the truth. So for those of you doing this exercise
writing you who hurt me less, what hurt me less,
have a glass of water nearby. Why because water will
soak up the energy. And again I want you to
(30:03):
get sun salutations and listen to it some of the
meditations in there, because we don't want you to hurt yourself. Yeah,
or just go get you a counselor or therapists.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
But anyway, go ahead and let me just say in
getting a counselor a therapist, and this is I have
love for all people who are helping others work through
issues and heal counselors, therapists, coaches. But I think a
lot of people don't realize they're going to some of
these therapists and it's just a venting session. Yeah, nothing's
being resolved, nothing's being healed. They're just learning how to
(30:33):
cope and manage.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
And because in many cases my experiences, because these are
the ones I get, the therapists haven't done their work.
There you go, the coaches haven't done their work. First
of all, coaches shouldn't. You can't coach trauma that has
to be healed, resolved. That's therapy, that's counseling. You cannot
coach trauma. Because for me, coaching is you got to
(30:57):
have a vision, you got to be able to articulate it. So,
whether it's relationship coaching, healing, coaching, whatever, trauma has some
tentacles that may require deeper, a deeper dive. So if
you get a counselor who hasn't done they work, you
in trouble.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
So I just want people to be mindful of that that,
all right, go to your accounts, go to your therapist.
But if you know it's after a few sessions you're
just talking, talking, talking, and you're not actually flushing anything
out and making some progress, then maybe just need to
go to a different one, you know, That's all it is.
Don't stop trying to get assistance. Just make sure you're
getting effective assistance. But going back to the letter, Yes,
(31:39):
so you do the first draft, let everything out, and
I always tell people you're gonna feel like a weight
come off your shoulders just doing that first initial draft.
But in the second draft, I always tell them to,
you know, pray, get yourself to a level place, and
then read the letter to yourself as if you were
that person. So in this example, put yourself in your
mother's shoes, read a letter, and now, ain't thing that
(32:00):
comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting.
Speaker 3 (32:05):
You change it. You're not changing your message, You're just changing.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
The delivery of your message. And the purpose of this
exercise is one we have to learn how to take
that anger and raw emotion and deliver it in a
more effective manner in our relationships.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
All Right, communicate it in a way that it can
be received.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Yes, because when people feel attacked, they will defend themselves
and it's just human nature. I don't care who you are.
So you have to learn how to deliver the message properly,
and this exercise will help you with that because that's
a lot of raw emotion to take and then turn around,
which is also another reason why I tell a lot
of people, even in your current relationships, romantic ones or whatever,
(32:49):
if you have deep issues and concerns to express, write
a letter and then you guys can talk about the letter,
because when you're trying to express these deep things in
verbal care communication, it typically goes left. People get defensive,
they deflect, you might get distracted, you get scared and
don't get everything out, so you don't really accomplish the
(33:10):
true goal. But with a letter, people have time to process.
And when see, when people are listening to you verbally,
they're listening to respond, well, they're listening.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
To respond, right, and they're listening from their defensive possitions exactly.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
But when they're reading a letter, they're listening to understand,
or they're reading to understand, they're taking it in because
now it's not they don't have to react in the moment,
so it allows them to sit with what you're saying
a little bit longer. Sometime sometimes yeahs you know, but yeah.
So now we clean up the second letter and then
if from there, I always tell people, all right, pray
(33:45):
and ask God if you sus send a letter.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
Let's talk about building a relationship from spiritual principles as
opposed to building one on a human condition.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
Okay, so one, I believe that having a spiritual foundation
is so important because, as you alluded to, as you mentioned,
it creates accountability in the relationship, a greater level of accountability,
but not just a great level of accountability. It kind
of creates a different focal point. Meaning I think the
(34:16):
mistake that we make in relationships is that we are
making our actions based off of their actions. So if
they talk to us funny today, now I'm going to
talk to them funny, I'm gonna start acting crazy because
they're acting crazy or they're not doing this for me,
so I'm not gonna do that for them. But if
you are honoring God and God wants you to handle
(34:37):
things a certain kind of way, it's easier for you
to say, all right, I show up the right way
in the relationship because I'm honoring God and I'm honoring
the blessing God gave me, and you are the beneficiary
of it. So even in your moments where you fall short,
I'm held to the standard of making sure I'm making
God happy with my actions.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
Your accountable to.
Speaker 3 (34:58):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
And it's just that I think we have to learn
to not just make it about what our partner is
or isn't doing in every single moment, because listen, we're human.
We're gonna have moments we fall short. We're gonna have
moments we make mistakes. But when you have that spiritual foundation,
you can then go back to God and say, how
do you want me to proceed? How do you want
(35:19):
me to handle this situation? You know, Like I tell people,
pray before you react, you know, because it will make
such a huge difference in how you navigate that current situation.
Because sometimes it's an easily fixable situation. But what we
do is we react based of our human perception of things,
(35:40):
and we add fuel to the fire, and now it
goes way further left than it ever needed to go.
And now we have to work not to just fix
the initial issue, but all the issues we piled on
on top of it because we didn't allow God to
guide us in that moment.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
That's it to stick to the principles, because that's what
I think spiritual law and principle. Last week when we
were talking, we talked about cheating, and you said that
the very often people make the cheating about the cheater
and not about the one who was cheated on. When
you have a spiritual structure that you're relating it, building
(36:21):
your marriage it, and cheating violates the principles, what do
you do with that?
Speaker 2 (36:28):
Well, again, I think first, and this is not to
take any pressure off the cheater, but I want to
be real because I feel like if we're going to
solve this issue, we have to address all the different angles.
So one, I believe that neglect is as bad of
a violation that's cheating, neglect, blatant neglect such as sexual neglect,
(36:51):
emotional langue, et. And we're being more specific by saying
it has been communicated to you. It's one thing when
you were not aware that that's something different, but when
you are being told this is a problem over and
over and over again. So I use this analogy. It's
almost like if a mother had a son, and she said,
you can only eat in this house. You can't eat
(37:13):
anywhere else. All right, I will feed you. You'll be good.
Monday comes. I'm tired today. Just wait till tomorrow. I'll
feed you. Tuesday comes. I don't got the foods yet.
Just give me some more time. We're now on day five.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
I'm hard five.
Speaker 3 (37:32):
It's day five. The child's walking down the street.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
Someone sees the mild nourished to child and says, boy,
would you like a sandwich?
Speaker 3 (37:40):
Now in his head, he's thinking.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
I'm not supposed to eat anywhere else, but damn I'm hungry.
Speaker 3 (37:45):
I'll take a bite. It can't hurt. He gets home.
How could you have eaten someone else?
Speaker 2 (37:51):
I tell you, But you starved him for five days?
Speaker 1 (37:55):
Got it? That is a beautiful did y all hear that?
All you are spot listening out there? Hear what he's saying.
It goes both ways. Yes, when a man says, you know,
all you ever do is tell me what I didn't do, right,
You're never grateful for what I did do. When a
man says to you, you don't hear me either. When
(38:15):
a man says to you, as a woman, I'm saying
when a man says to you, you're not there for
me here and now the next thing, you know, he
got tulula around the corner. Him in the independent roaming
penis around the corner. Or men, my brothers, when a
woman says to you, don't take what I feel seriously,
(38:38):
or when a woman says to you, you're not here
from me when I need you, and now she's up
the street with bad boy, you know, bad boy Bruce
or whatever his name is. You know, that is so incredible.
Neglect when you've been told and you don't address it
(38:59):
could manifest as the roaming anxiety parts.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
And I think going back to the initial question of
what do you do when the violation occurs? So let's
just assume there wasn't neglect. Let's just assume that in
this scenario, this person just stepped out. So one, I
think again, we have to understand that there are some
examples of cheating where it's a symptom of two people
who don't belong together, okay, and then there's others where
(39:24):
it's a symptom of something broken within the relationship between
two people who can work together.
Speaker 3 (39:30):
All right.
Speaker 2 (39:31):
So that's why we have to go deeper into each
situation to understand which one are we really dealing with, Because,
for example, you'll have a woman now say, oh, this
man cheating on me, and I'm you know, she's contemplating him,
let's say repeatedly. And let's just say he's arguing that
this is just one time thing whatever. But I'm like, okay,
(39:51):
wait a minute, put the cheating to a side. Let's
look at the rest of relationship. He neglects you. You've
been unhappy, the house hold is toxic. Cheating or not,
this is a bad relationship.
Speaker 1 (40:04):
And those are the clues.
Speaker 2 (40:05):
Yes, you're so focused on the cheating, but this is
a bad relationship.
Speaker 3 (40:08):
Now, let's flip it.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
Cheating occur, but when we look at the relationship, everything
is amazing, everything is great. So maybe this is just
into the isolated issue that we just need to discuss.
How did we get here? Why did this happen? Because
everything else we have going on is good. Now in
the in the the idea of violation spiritually and the
(40:30):
breach of trust, the breach of trust, well, guess what
we sin every day.
Speaker 1 (40:35):
I ain't talking about sinners.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
You got from a principal standpoint, you got to understand
what I'm going going with here.
Speaker 1 (40:42):
We we break and violate trust.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
We violate God's trust in that sense, we violate the
principles of what we're supposed to uphold.
Speaker 3 (40:52):
Does it automatic?
Speaker 1 (40:53):
Like me? You better believe violate God's trust in us
every day?
Speaker 3 (40:59):
Yes, Lord.
Speaker 2 (41:01):
And the only reason why I believe that God has
given us grace because He knows that human beings were
gonna fall short and without grace, none of us would
make it past this level. Okay, I think that we
need to extend that grace to each other in a
lot of situations. Again, it's not to make cheating okay,
is to understand rather than making this about this is
(41:21):
a horrible person or whatever the case may be, the
bottom line question is do we fit.
Speaker 3 (41:27):
Together and can we make this work? Is this fixable
or not?
Speaker 2 (41:31):
If it is not, then this is just the time.
This is our chance to break free. I've said to
people before, I said some of y'all needed to be
cheated off. Yeah, because if you weren't, you would have
never walked away from this unhealthy ass relationship.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
Listen, I for me. You know the roaming penis and
what it does. That's not the issue. You cannot measure
the depth of sexual interaction, what really did the person do?
This is what it is for me in the cheating,
that you breach your own personal integrity, not by having sex,
(42:09):
but by having sex and then coming and looking me
in my face and lying to me. That's a problem
to me because now I'm wondering, Okay, now, who are you?
Because you're dangerous. But let me you're dangerous if you
can look me in my face and lie to me
about where you've been, what you're doing, and if you
would do that. I'm talking man woman. I'm sure it
(42:31):
goes on in same sex relationships too, but man to woman,
I want to know what the lie you're telling my
sister that's making her okay with this? Are you telling
her with separated? Are you telling her I'm dead? Are
you telling her I'm not giving you none? What are
you telling her? So what challenges me is the lies
that you tell that compromise your personal integrity as a man.
(42:54):
That's my problem. Go get as much nookie as you want,
that's your business. You and the Roman penis gonna have
fun out the whip it up on a horse. It's
that part that I that's dangerous.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
So and this may or may not apply to your experiences,
but a lot of women you self identified as an
alful women, A lot of women who are altful women
are in that mold. They don't realize that the energy
that they're giving off draws them, yes, and it draws
in the man who has no vision, who lacks purpose,
(43:27):
and he wants you because you give him the bilitary.
Speaker 3 (43:31):
He doesn't have to give you this stability.
Speaker 2 (43:34):
And so for a lot of women, they fall into
the trap of this feels good because this kind of
man is more available to give you attention, to listen
to all these things. Ain't nobody more available than a
broke man. So this dude is just free to pour
into you and it feels great. But over time you're
(43:55):
waiting for him to take the man step up, and
he's never developed that. And the only way to receive
that man who has those skills from the jump is
to be able to exude that feminine energy, is to
be able to walk in that power that that kind
of man is going to be drawn to. And I
think a lot of women will say to me, well,
I'm feminine when I'm in the relationship Okay, that's great.
(44:18):
But if he can't see that before he gets that far,
why would he even try to talk to you. He'll
just go to somebody else who's exuding that energy that
he wants.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
I learned the hard way, though, Stefan.
Speaker 3 (44:29):
I learned.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
I'm gonna tell you how I learned. I was married,
didn't understand who I was as an alpha woman and
what that energy was. And so and I made more money.
And even though I really work to be a soft
place for him to fall, you know, the ego is
a big thing. And so it all happened around a
(44:52):
Christmas tree. We agreed that because I didn't do he
didn't do Christmas. He did Quanmsa.
Speaker 3 (45:01):
I did Christmas.
Speaker 1 (45:02):
I'm like a Chris. I don't know what it is.
I don't have no problem with Kwansa. And I have
my canora and all my you know, my things. But
so we agreed that we would do. He would do
Christmas and I would do Quansa. He would get me
what I needed for Christmas. I would get him what
he needed for quansas. So I had the canora and
(45:22):
the candles and the zawadi and everything, and he would
get to Christmas tree. So this one particular year, I
went out and I saw this Christmas tree, the Christmas
tree of life. This Christmas tree was PLoP down out
of heaven just for me. I'm talking to spruce pine
full No. So I saw the Christmas tree and I
(45:44):
go and I say to the man how much is
this tree? And he tells me, and I said, please,
can I give you a deposit? I want you to
hold this tree. I'm gonna go home. My husband's gonna
come and get it. And I buy my tree there
every year. So he said, go ahead, let me tell
him to come on and pick it up. I'll hold
it for you till tomorrow. I go home totally excited,
(46:07):
totally excited about this Christmas tree. And I tell him
and he said, well, how much is it? I said
eighty dollars. He said, I ain't paying no eighty dollars
for no Christmas tree. Oh, but I'm wanting, why do
we have to have an eighty dollars Christmas tree? Well,
it's not that it's eighty dollars, it said, it's perfect,
it's a point in the thing, it's no cones falling
(46:27):
off the floor. I'm not paying no eighty dollars for
no Christmas tree. I said, but wine, I want it,
and he wouldn't go get it. So at first I was,
you know, heartbroken, and then I got pissed off, and
then I was in the car, me and the ego,
and it just took over my break. It just consumed
(46:53):
the goodness of me as a woman of spirit and
God and love. And I went and bought my Christmas tree,
and so in his attempt to please me, he went
and bought a Christmas tree. Bottom line, we ended up
with two Christmas trees. And mine was the perfect spruce pine.
His was a Kwansa bush. We're not even branches, it was.
Speaker 2 (47:19):
It was.
Speaker 1 (47:19):
It was terrible. So when we he had the tree,
I had the tree, and I was being totally rebellious
and defiant and controlling and totally unsubmitted. It really did
hurt me though, and he couldn't hear me. If this
is what you want, and our agreement is, I'll get
(47:40):
you what you want for Christmas. He had a beautiful canora.
I had wonderful flowers, I mean candles. I had the
basket for the Zawa. I had everything for his Kwansa.
I didn't ask him what you know. I didn't complain
about how much I want this eighty dollars Christmas tree,
and when he didn't buy it, and the ego took
over it myself. So we had these two Christmas trees
(48:03):
in the house. I decorated both. But when I saw
his face, when he saw that tree I had bought,
I not only saw his face, I felt the only
word I can think of is destruction. It destroyed something
in him that broke my heart. And we never recovered.
(48:27):
We never recovered from a freaking Christmas tree.
Speaker 2 (48:31):
And I mean because at the end of it, it
boiled down to you felt like he dismissed how you
feel and you weren't heard, and he felt like you
didn't respect him.
Speaker 1 (48:40):
Absolutely, Oh I'm clear about that. But it taught me.
It taught me how to contain my alpiness. And it
taught me because see, I could have got that Christmas
tree in the bed. If I had been conscious, I
would have worked that bedroom. Them sheets, pillow cases, the
(49:02):
bed cover everything. I would have had that tree. And
it's mama.
Speaker 2 (49:07):
And that's the thing that a lot of women do
not understand. Your feminine energy is power. Power doesn't simply
mean you have to do everything the man says. Power
means you can dictate certain things by turning up your
feminine energy a few more notches, and that feminine energy
is just the biggest thing that women can learn to
(49:27):
tap into everywhere that would get them so much more
out of life.
Speaker 1 (49:30):
Are you married this No?
Speaker 3 (49:34):
So no, I'm not married.
Speaker 1 (49:36):
And for all of the single women, you want to
be available. When you your intuition kicks in and you
start where can they find you? Just in general in life,
where do people go to find.
Speaker 3 (49:47):
They go to Stephans dot com. They give f all
my books and links to the YouTube and everything.
Speaker 1 (49:56):
Like you're on tour now, you're naming your tours Heal
my People.
Speaker 2 (49:59):
Right, I'm on tour with the Bobby Price to Heal
my People tour talking about relationships, trauma, you know, eating right,
just overall health and just trying to get people on
that better path.
Speaker 1 (50:10):
Because twenty twenty four is an eight year power and
everything that we everything's going to be intensified. Your dysfunction,
your trauma, your power, your money, your purpose, everything is
going to be intensified in twenty twenty four. So I'm
(50:30):
really glad that you're here. I thank you for taking
this time. I'm too old for you, so even if
your intuition tells you, I'm the one tell your intuition
you can't obeg. I thank you for being here. Thank
you as an elder, as a ya yay, as a grandma.
(50:54):
I want you to know that you've got somebody praying
for you.
Speaker 3 (50:58):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (50:59):
I appreciate you work, I see you on purpose, and
I'm just so excited to be able to have this
intergenerational conversation. You know, I could probably be your mother's mother.
I know I look fly and everything, so please know
that and know that anytime you need me on shoulder
(51:20):
to cry on inside information, I'm just a call away.
Appreciate this has been the our spot. I've had the
most absolutely glorious time with my guests, Stefan, not for
one session, but for two. I don't know what y'all
(51:42):
got out of it. I really don't even care. I
do hope you do. Remember the independently roaming Penis and China.
Those are the teachings that happen when you have a
human base rather than a spirits based relationship, when you're
leaning on your trauma instead of on your accountability and
your responsibility when you're being in your human as opposed
(52:04):
to in a higher purpose, and all of these things
Stefan and I have talked about. Whatever you're doing, whatever
you're in, whatever you're calling forth. In twenty twenty four,
it is going to be intensified. So Stefan and myself
and so many others of us out here want you
to be in alignment in your relationship with yourself, your
(52:28):
relationship with your creator, your relationship with your partner, your children,
your parents.
Speaker 3 (52:34):
And the earth.
Speaker 1 (52:35):
So do the work, do the work, do the work,
do the work, and get yourself in order. Yeah, because
I want you to be in peace and not in pieces.
I'll see you next time, writing on the R spote.
(52:56):
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the ur Spot, a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings. I
(00:39):
am I'm La van Zandt. Welcome back to the Our Spot.
My guest today Relationship Certified Relationship and Dating Coach Stefan,
And we're talking about some of the little intricate details
and potholes that go into relationships. I had a whole
thing that I wanted to talk to you about, but
I've surrendered. We're going where we're going. We were talking
(01:02):
about clearing up trauma, clearing up emotional breakdown, if you will,
and how to do it and why we need to
do it.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
The real issue is people lack healing. The woman who
cannot process her emotions is because she has blockage. That
blockage is due to the trauma that she experienced and
has not resolved and flushed out of us. That she
just hasn't been taught to well, taught to yes but
I do think that there's a I was literally on
the phone last night with a close friend and she's
been holding on to the same trauma.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
For you forever.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
But does she know it was trauma.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Yes, she's fully aware. It's just that it's scary to
have to face that and have to go through that
place and you don't know how to.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
You don't know how to.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
As well as I believe part of the reason why
it's even harder for some women. It's going back to
what we first talked about. Women are impacted emotionally more
women having so the same way you said, the feeling
of inadequacy can crush the man right. A woman having
to look herself in the mirror and say I was
wrong or you know, I made these mistakes, I did this.
(02:07):
That's hard because she's internalizing it.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Women of color, let me not say black because I'm black, brown,
and red. Here's what I want to put out in
so that you can share with the brothers and so
that in defense of my sisters. Is the last thing
that a woman of color can own is that there's
something wrong with her, because we are programmed and conditioned
(02:33):
to believe that who we are is wrong. We're wrong
from the jump. We're wrong because our butter bit is big,
although people are now buying butts. We're wrong because our
hair is nappy, although so people are straightening and weaving it.
We're wrong. We are wrong as who we are. We're
not if we're not light, if we're not frail, if
(02:54):
we're not whatever. The overall, you know, society, black women,
brown women, red women are taught, programmed, and conditioned in
the matrix to believe that we are wrong as who
we are. So it's challenging difficult for us as women
to admit that we've done something wrong because that's almost
(03:18):
like acknowledging I am wrong. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (03:22):
And I also think what adds to it, and this
is not just for black women but just for people
in general, is when you have lived with your trauma
for so long, you create an identity and you believe
this is who you are. So, for example, if you're
a woman who experienced trauma and now you have a
very negative attitude, all right, you're very sharp with your tongue.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Okay, wait a minute, hold on, I think I had
this fight with you in the video too. But that's
all right. First of all, if you live with the
trauma part of the challenges. We own it and make
it ours, and that's why we can't get rid of it.
It's not yours. It's an experience. So if you own
(04:04):
and live with the trauma, what are we talking about?
Sexual abuse, physical violence, physical neglect. I'm raising my great
grandson who is a mixed race male and learned about
the trauma cause by the deprivation of nutrition, the deprivation
(04:28):
of nutrici because of the way his mother ate didn't
eat and what she had to go through to get food,
and how that shows up for him. You know how
many women and men of color or just poverty have
trauma from the deprivation of nutrici, not knowing where your
(04:50):
next meal is coming from, food scarcity. That's a trauma
that so many of us don't even recognize and understand.
So I just want on it to say that. But anyway,
so her tongue may be sharp, yes, because she was
deprived nutrition.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
I don't know that, and that's fine. But what happens
is when you create this identity from that based on
the trauma, and you have to face the idea or
the prospect of now removing that trauma you're afraid of with,
then who am I aptlete?
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Might gonna be? Exactly gonna be? Will I be enough
without this?
Speaker 3 (05:24):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (05:25):
And how do I navigate life without this? Like it
becomes the fear of the unknown, don't I don't know
what's waiting for me on the other side. So one
of the people I was recently speaking to, that's literally
what she was saying, like, I'm just afraid. I don't
know what to expect, and I'm like, listen you. All
we know is that you will have more peace and
from there things can start to fall into place. You
(05:45):
can't get to a better place until you fully heal
and release this trauma. Don't overthink it, don't look too
far ahead. Let's just focus on addressing these very specific issues.
I think also what has caused it created a more
difficulty with facing our traumas is people have piled up
so much of it. So the analogy I like to
(06:06):
use is people keep stuffing things in their emotional closet,
and the closet is getting bigger and bigger, and so
now when you try to pull one thing out everything
and you just are overwhelmed. They're like, I can't do this,
and I had to tell us, like, listen, you gotta
go in that closet, crack the door, pull one thing
out real quick, deal with that one thing, go back,
(06:26):
pull the next thing out.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Sooner or later.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
The door is getting lighter and lighter. And now what'sever left.
You'd have worked through all the big stuff. Then now
it's going to be easy to open the door. The
less that pours out, you'll get through it just fine.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
And you're good.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Well, I have an even better, better process than that
that I put on my Sun salutations. This is a
shameless pluging on my Sun salutation's meditation. Now, but surrender
it all. Surrender it all and ask for grace. Surrender
it all and ask for grace because the truth of
the matter, even pulling it out and choosing what you
(07:02):
are going to deal with, put you in control and
not God's source created a Holy Spirit, because if you
really knew what you needed, you would have done it
a long time ago. So I say, surrendered it all,
and I say, Holy Spirit, go in the closet and
get what you think I need to hear right now,
which brings me to another point that I want to
make right after this break welcome back to the R spot.
(07:31):
Let's pick up where we left off. This is a
thing that I want to ask you about man and trauma,
because so many of us are broken and wounded and traumatized.
And where better do we find that out than in
our relationships. You bring all your baggage and your monogram
luggage into your relationship. People don't mind digging through their baggage,
(07:55):
but they hold their monogram luggage very tightly, expensive paid
dearly for this. And I have a saying in my
world that I live by, and is that a man
who is not accountable to somebody is a danger to
himself and everyone else and stefan. So many men are
(08:20):
not accountable for their trauma, for their behavior, for their wounding,
the wounds that they inflict. Talk to me about men
and accountability to themselves, for themselves for their behavior.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
What's well? I think?
Speaker 2 (08:42):
So one me being a man of God, I believe
that the accountability comes from having God in your life. Yes,
regardless of what specific belief system you have, if you
have a God, if you have a higher power, that
creates the accountability that a man really needs to stay
on a certain path. I do think a lot of
men today are getting caught up in the battle of accountability.
(09:04):
So basically it's, oh, well, the women don't take accountability
while they're not taking accountability themselves, and it's just going
back and forth and people not realizing you can only
control you, So you need to focus on are you
doing what you're supposed to do. I also think that
for a lot of men, when it comes to when
you said inflicting the wounds, a lot of men are
(09:25):
not aware of the wounds they inflict. They do not understand.
Part of that is just due to their own ignorance.
Some of that is due to.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Brainwashing, in my opinion, all right.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
And tell me more, tell me about the brain.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
So not to bring it all the way back to
the sex, but the sex is a great example. So
one of the things I think that has caused brainwashing
and creates this wound infliction in the many cases is
telling men women want sex.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
Just like they do.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
All right, who said that?
Speaker 2 (10:00):
There's a lot of people say that. I was even
at once many years ago, flown into I won't say
which site, but it was a very popular dating site.
There was twelve of us, and they had this whole
presentation and One of them was a scientist, well renowned
best selling author, and she pointed out a study that
said the women wanted sex just as much as men,
and I jumped in and I was like, no, no, no,
(10:22):
that can't be right.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
I said.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
What they're doing is they're conflating intimacy with sex, and
what women want is the intimacy, and what they're accustomed
to is not being able to get the intimacy without
the sex. Ok So it goes hand in hand to them.
But if you said you could just have the intimacy
or just the sex, most women are choosing the intimacy.
Most men are choosing the sex. We don't desire it
(10:44):
the same. But now if you tell men that we
want it the same, then men don't understand the emotional
factors and mental factors that go into a woman being
sexually receptive. They don't understand how he needs to put
or into her in those other intimate ways communication, togetherness, closeness, affection,
(11:05):
all these different things. So now when he has that
situation where he just wants to sleep with her, to
hint to a lot of minutes, like, well, okay, she's
enjoying it just like me. I didn't do anything wrong here,
not realizing that he left her completely void in the
other eras that she really craved from him, all right,
And this pours over into the relationships, which is why
(11:26):
in some cases it's not that the sex wasn't good
at some point with them, it's that the man does
not know how to continuously activate that sexual desire in
her by pouring into her emotionally and mentally.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
So again, what if.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
He's emotionally void, If he doesn't know how to communicate
his emotions, if he doesn't know how to name them,
what if he's void.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
I think when a man loves a woman, he's willing
to do things he doesn't do for anyone else.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
So, even though he may be so, I don't yes,
that is so.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
So I don't think he's completely void. I just think
that one A lot of men are just not motivated.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
So here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
A lot of women and men have to understand. A
lot of the issues we're seeing are not because men
are bad, women are bad, or this person doesn't know this.
That person doesn't know this is because you're dealing with
the wrong person. And when you're dealing with the wrong person,
expect for things to go left, so meaning you can
have a man. And if he's dating ten women casually,
(12:30):
with those ten women.
Speaker 3 (12:31):
He's very closed off.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
He's very emotionally detached because I don't want to get
emotionally invested when I'm just trying to be casual and
have fun with you. I don't need you get any
your feelings. I don't need you expecting more out of
me emotionally.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
And who is he accountable to for that behavior?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Well, again, if she's claiming she's okay with the dynamic,
why would he think I'm doing something wrong and wounds exactly.
But that's why I said it's not to his He
doesn't know that because she's claiming I'm good, I can
deal with this situation.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Shit, but you know you're not happy. Now.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
That same dude who's emotionally detached with those same ten women,
Let him meet woman number eleven that he thinks this
is my future wife I'm in love with, and he
will try. He may not be great at it, but
he will try to be more open. He will try
to be more expressive. If she says to him, I
need this more out of you, he will listen and
he will make an attempt to adjust.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
So when you're there, and then and then when she
doesn't want him, and is he wounded.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Absolutely, And this is what happens when the man finally
has the woman that he wants and now she rejects him.
Going back to what we talked about it right beginning,
he's what I always say behind every player is.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
A story of a man who got played. Okay, all right.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
You will see many situations where a young man can
be raised to be a player.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
All his uncles like.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Have multiple women, don't ever have just one woman. And
yet there will still be an instance where he meets
a woman, falls deeply for her and wants to let
go of all the women for her, but because he
does not know how to handle his emotions. Okay, and
a lot of women just goes to the brainwashing again.
A lot of women are so the idea. If he
(14:12):
loves you, he's supposed to.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Be perfect with it.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
He's supposed to be perfect with his expression, with the
way he treats you.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
He's supposed to make no mistakes if he loves you.
And if he makes any mistake, that's proof that he's
just like the rest of them. So, now this man
who actually loves her, who actually is trying his hardest,
makes a mistake because he's human. We all make mistakes.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Wait a minute, I know, hold that thought is a
mistake that your penis ends up in somebody else's vagina.
Is that a mistake or did it just fall in?
You know? Because that's mistake men make a lot of time.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
I know people aren't gonna like this, but hear me out,
hear me out there are cheating is a very case
by case thing. There are some scenarios where it is
an actual miss What I mean by that, Listen, here's
what I mean. Okay, I did one example. I'm being quiet,
all right, and I'm gonna use this example on the
women's side for a second. I know a woman, she
(15:10):
was married, She went on a business trip. During the
business trip, they all hung out. They were drinking during
that time at the bar, something happened. She ended up
kissing one of the guys. Well, he kissed her and
she kissed back. This wasn't her trying to intentionally go
out there and do something. This is something that because
you were not mindful of the things that can lead
into the trouble to drinking, to being out late it
(15:32):
led to this.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
The parents just fell into the vagina.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Now, they didn't have sex, But the point is, like
it can be a mistake in the sense that this
was a bad decision. This was a one art thing,
got it, all right? This is not the same thing
as someone carrying on an affair.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Okay. So and the flip side that he was drinking
got attracted to somebody, you know, they ended up you know,
under the stairway or in the hotel room or whatever,
and the peenis just fell into the vagina.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Get it.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Now, Now let's talk about the ongoing penis. Now gets
in the car, drives down, picks up, you know, and
then right, the intentional roaming penis. Let's talk about that
one with no integrity, no accountability, because I don't think
we finished up our conversation about cheating. Tell me about
(16:23):
that penis, okay, the intentional roaming penis.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
So again, there's there's layers to this because there are
some men who live by the idea that cheating is
just what happens, all right. So like, for example, you'll
have a man say, well, all men cheat. The minute
a man says all men cheat, pretty much that that
means he's gonna he's gonna cross that line at some point.
All right, he's pretty much telling stuff. Now, there are
(16:46):
some men who are telling women, especially in today's world, hey,
I don't do monogamy. This is to me that we
can't really classify that as cheating because if you, yes,
it's announced, if we have agreed upon this dynamic, that
that's just allo relationship, that's something different. But the one
who is lying, who is selling monogamy but then still
cheating for some again with no accountability, well, it's not
(17:12):
just no accountability. The problem is a lot of men struggle.
And this is not to give sympathy to the cheater.
This is just the reality of it. A lot of
men struggle from walking away from their relationship for various reasons.
All Right, I one, Yes, I've had tons of men
who don't even cheat, yet who will DM me giving
me a laundry list of all the toxic things his
(17:35):
partner does, and say.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
How do I keep her okay?
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Because here's the question. Is the question that you want
to leave or is the question that you don't know
how to stay based on what's present?
Speaker 2 (17:49):
So I'll give one example. Man gets married, has kids
with this woman, the sex falls off a cliff. It's
namn near nonexistent. Okay, but this does not have family elsewhere.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
This is his world.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
To him, I'm not gonna leave all that I have,
Face the prospect of not being with my kids, consistently,
face the prospect of any financial ramifications that come from this,
face just all the legal things I have to deal
with if I can just satisfy this urge of attention, affection, sex,
whatever somewhere else while maintaining home.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Now, So the intentional, the intentional roaming penis sometimes it's
just the release, the way that we don't lose everything
we have.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Yes, so he to him.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
You know, for some men, for some people, they're hoping
that the cheating is temporary. Some people cheat with the
idea of Okay, I'm gonna do this right now to
get this need met. But my hope is that my
partner's gonna finally come around and we're gonna be good,
and then I can just go back home and I
don't gotta worry about this anymore. But they don't realize
it's only gonna prolong the process, and chances are it's
(19:03):
not gonna get fixed. If you're out there in these streets,
you know, getting your knees mail elsewhere. But there are
some men who that, yes, they feel like having this
supplement of a side woman. You know, there's some men
who think having a side chick strengthens the main relationship.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
And there's some side chicks who are okay being side chicks.
But that's a whole other conversation ahead.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Yes, So to him, it's like, yeah, why am I
gonna throw away everything here that I built just because
I need this one need met that my wife is
unwilling to fulfilled. But then let's add another layer to it.
Because as much as people say, why don't you just leave?
If a man goes to his friends and family and
says I want to leave because my wife doesn't have
(19:46):
sex with me often enough, you know what they say
to him, Oh, give her more time. No one says, oh.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Yeah, yeah, go ahead, leave. It doesn't happen like that.
It's the same thing.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
If a woman is being sexually neglected and not satisfied,
she can't go to anyone to say I'm thinking about
leaving because he doesn't satisfy me sexually. All they're gonna
do is try to talk her out of it and
tell her why this is normal, so the person feels
like my only outlet is just to get the need
met and keep this in place.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Is that the intentional roaming vagina?
Speaker 3 (20:19):
It is, and there's a lot of there's a lot
more roaming vaginas than people realize.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. We
were talking about accountability, yes, and I want to say that,
whether the penis is roaming, the vagina's roaming, whether it's
a trauma response, whether it's a limited emotional vocabulary, we
are all gonna be held accountable for our behavior. We're
gonna be held accountable for our choices, We're gonna be
(20:47):
held accountable for our decisions. Which is why it's so
important for me that we really start getting some skills
and tools so that we can clean up our relationships.
I'm not even talking just about loving relationships. I'm talking
about parental relationships. I'm talking about sibling relationships. I want
to teach parents how to parent adult children, because some
(21:10):
parents treat their adults like their five and ten. I
want to teach adult children how to be in respectful,
loving relationships with their parents. You know, because your mother
gets on your nerves. You don't cut her off and
stop speaking to it and send out a Christmas card
in a text, you know. And because booble hurts you
(21:32):
back in fifty six, you can't treat Robert badly today.
And I sold all of this. It's so complex, and
I just think that it's coming to a head because
we are being held to a higher standard in the universe.
That's just me. I'm all help me.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
No. I definitely think what we're seeing is the cumbination
of just unresolved trauma over the years. Like a lot
of people will say, oh, we need relationships like our grandparents,
And I'm like, it's our grandparents' relationship.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Why y'all messed up?
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Now? Like the stain together just to stay together. But
creating a toxic, unhealthy household is what's poured over into
these people who have not become dysfunctional adults who now
don't know how to handle themselves in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
All right, So we have to stop this cycle.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
But again, it's gonna start with individually healing. So a
lot of people that're getting so caught up in the
landscape of how it looks with everyone else. These men
aren't getting help or these women aren't getting help.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
But it's like, what have you gotten help?
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Well, that's what I say. Is it them?
Speaker 2 (22:37):
Is it me?
Speaker 1 (22:38):
Is it us? And on that note, let's take a break.
We'll be right back. Welcome back to the our spot.
Let's get back to the conversation. Let me ask you
a question.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
What did you have to hear? So, let me tell
you my first experience with therapy? That was what it was,
My first thing I had to heal.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
So.
Speaker 3 (23:03):
I actually was in college.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
My father had took my car that morning, brought it back,
and we had a lot of conflict, and so like
I got so upset. Finally get my car back, I'm
rushing to school to go take my test. I literally
have an emotional breakdown on the highway.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
Pull over to this what does that look like?
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I just start crying. I was so mad and I
just start crying. And then I was like, yo, if
I don't pull over, I'm a crash. So I pulled over,
it cried, and I just turned back around and went home,
like I can't.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Go take this test.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
So I talked to my teacher, and of course he
was skeptical that I'm telling the truth. He thought I
just missed the test. He's like, well, if you want
to take this final, you have to go to a
school counselor. Now, at that time, I didn't believe in therapy,
you know how a lot of us in our community
all you know.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
I'm like, all right, I'm in a mail two.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Caribbean la, yes, Caribbean man.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
So I'm like, all right, that's what he needs so
I can take this test. Fine, I'm gonna go knock
this out, take this to as were good man. By
the time I was done with that session, I was
in tears and I did not realize all that I
was holding onto. And it was due to my parents.
And it was the fact that just the way that
they handled me, like I always feel like I was
(24:15):
a black sheep, you know. But for me, part of
what allowed me to heal was understanding my parents grew
up without their parents. My mom lost both of her
parents when she was like three four years old. My
father lost his father when he was like seven and
only had his mother. Plus we're Caribbean, Like, I'm convinced
when you examine any kind of foreign culture households, the
(24:37):
households are built on discipline, making something of your self respect.
It ain't about lovey dovey and expressing emotions, and particularly.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Not your ancestral lineage, which is Haitian exact, because of
the brutality that the people in that culture experience.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Yeah, so to me, it was like when I start
connecting all those dots and having that moment to be
able to express everything, which is why I believe a
lot of people they struggle with healing because they're not
fully releasing all their emotions and how they feel and
fully expressing themselves. But me being able to do that
like that was It's almost like it just clicked, like,
(25:16):
oh wait a minute, and I saw everything differently. And
now you know, now I have my father had passed
in two thousand and seven, but my mom still alive.
We have a great relationship, better relationship now than when
we were younger. Everything's great. And yeah, that was part
of my first experience with needing to heal, you know,
and understanding that whole process. And I think that I
(25:37):
refined the process even more as I went along, because
I have a book, Love After Heartbreak, where I break
down my healing process that anyone who does it, they're
gonna see the.
Speaker 3 (25:48):
Positive results, men or women.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
It's justice. It's a heavy experience. It's a heavy So
for example, the first step is what I call it
who hurt me lists. Get a piece of paper, right,
who hurt me? And ask yourself that question, who hurt me?
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Okay, did you hear that? That's an assignment from our
guests today. Get a piece of paper, and you want
to create a who hurt me list? And I want
to add to that what hurt me exactly? Because sometimes
it's not a who, it's what the who did?
Speaker 2 (26:17):
Yes exactly, So you will add that to each person
in each situation. So now we can identify because there's
a lot of people if they just ask themselves that
question and wrote it down, they might be shocked who
makes that list because they've been suppressing things for so long.
But it's almost like you're calling out the trauma when
you ask that question, and it hears it and it
(26:39):
starts coming in, you know. So now all right, now
we have our list, So then we have to let's
say we choose someone. So this kind of goes back
to picking that one thing out of the closet. So
let's say we start with the mother, because I found
We talk about that issues a lot, But mommy issues
are She's a beast.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
She's a beast, I tell you, because when mama break
your heart, it is shattered. Yes, daddy may break it
in half, Daddy may shredd it, but when Mama breaks
your heart, there are shards that go everywhere. And ask
me how I know?
Speaker 3 (27:11):
Ask how do you know? I had three children?
Speaker 1 (27:13):
That's how I know?
Speaker 3 (27:15):
And not to mention.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
What also compounds the issue is that we are more
afraid of expressing our disappointment, hurt, resentment towards our mothers.
Speaker 3 (27:24):
Than our father. We'll attack the hell of our out
of our fathers, but.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Our mothers is like, I don't want to. Yes, she's
a sacred cou exactly. So in this process we do
two drafts. We do we're gonna write a letter. The
first draft is just you letting everything out. It's yes,
it's essentially an emotional detox.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
You gotta flush it out because what people do is
they'll say, well, I talked to.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
My mother before. No, you had your moment of lashing out.
You said a few things, but you didn't get everything out.
Speaker 3 (27:54):
Or you wrote a letter, but in writing that letter
you try to find the right things to say.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
You had it exactly, so you were softer with what
you so you didn't let the raw emotion that needs
to be purged out of your system out, So that
first draft is a pursing of it. So I don't
care if you're insulting her, wishing death on her. I
don't care what evil thing comes out of you, because
it needs to come out.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
You know, I say that to people. My mother was
an alcoholic who died when I was two. Nobody ever
bothered to tell me that until I was thirty, so
I was raised you know, for me, lying in the relationship,
that's the kryptonite. Don't lie to me. But when I
found out at thirty that my mother had died and
the woman who raised me wasn't my mother, blah blah blah.
(28:37):
But the thing was, my mother was an alcoholic. And
when I started hearing the stories about it, you know,
first of all, I was so heartbroken that my mother
had died. Then I was pissed off, you know. So
in the pisosity is where I could tell the truth.
(28:57):
And I will say, you know, in my healing, I
said my mother was a pissy drunk, a fall down
pissy drunk. Now I can say that about her. You
can't say that. But it was in that level of
telling the rock got truth about how I felt that
I could get the feelings of to even get to
the sadness of oh damn, my mama died, and all
(29:20):
this time I thought it was just my father's unaccountability, irresponsibility,
lack of integrity when he was grieving the fact that
the love of his life died and left him with
two children. Well, I won't bother to mention that my
mother was the other woman that's not and that he
had a wife a rather corner. But okay, So that
(29:43):
part of it of identifying who hurts you and what
hurts you. What hurt me was that nobody told me
the truth. So for those of you doing this exercise
writing you who hurt me less, what hurt me less,
have a glass of water nearby. Why because water will
soak up the energy. And again I want you to
(30:03):
get sun salutations and listen to it some of the
meditations in there, because we don't want you to hurt yourself. Yeah,
or just go get you a counselor or therapists.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
But anyway, go ahead and let me just say in
getting a counselor a therapist, and this is I have
love for all people who are helping others work through
issues and heal counselors, therapists, coaches. But I think a
lot of people don't realize they're going to some of
these therapists and it's just a venting session. Yeah, nothing's
being resolved, nothing's being healed. They're just learning how to
(30:33):
cope and manage.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
And because in many cases my experiences, because these are
the ones I get, the therapists haven't done their work.
There you go, the coaches haven't done their work. First
of all, coaches shouldn't. You can't coach trauma that has
to be healed, resolved. That's therapy, that's counseling. You cannot
coach trauma. Because for me, coaching is you got to
(30:57):
have a vision, you got to be able to articulate it. So,
whether it's relationship coaching, healing, coaching, whatever, trauma has some
tentacles that may require deeper, a deeper dive. So if
you get a counselor who hasn't done they work, you
in trouble.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
So I just want people to be mindful of that that,
all right, go to your accounts, go to your therapist.
But if you know it's after a few sessions you're
just talking, talking, talking, and you're not actually flushing anything
out and making some progress, then maybe just need to
go to a different one, you know, That's all it is.
Don't stop trying to get assistance. Just make sure you're
getting effective assistance. But going back to the letter, Yes,
(31:39):
so you do the first draft, let everything out, and
I always tell people you're gonna feel like a weight
come off your shoulders just doing that first initial draft.
But in the second draft, I always tell them to,
you know, pray, get yourself to a level place, and
then read the letter to yourself as if you were
that person. So in this example, put yourself in your
mother's shoes, read a letter, and now, ain't thing that
(32:00):
comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting.
Speaker 3 (32:05):
You change it. You're not changing your message, You're just changing.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
The delivery of your message. And the purpose of this
exercise is one we have to learn how to take
that anger and raw emotion and deliver it in a
more effective manner in our relationships.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
All Right, communicate it in a way that it can
be received.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Yes, because when people feel attacked, they will defend themselves
and it's just human nature. I don't care who you are.
So you have to learn how to deliver the message properly,
and this exercise will help you with that because that's
a lot of raw emotion to take and then turn around,
which is also another reason why I tell a lot
of people, even in your current relationships, romantic ones or whatever,
(32:49):
if you have deep issues and concerns to express, write
a letter and then you guys can talk about the letter,
because when you're trying to express these deep things in
verbal care communication, it typically goes left. People get defensive,
they deflect, you might get distracted, you get scared and
don't get everything out, so you don't really accomplish the
(33:10):
true goal. But with a letter, people have time to process.
And when see, when people are listening to you verbally,
they're listening to respond, well, they're listening.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
To respond, right, and they're listening from their defensive possitions exactly.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
But when they're reading a letter, they're listening to understand,
or they're reading to understand, they're taking it in because
now it's not they don't have to react in the moment,
so it allows them to sit with what you're saying
a little bit longer. Sometime sometimes yeahs you know, but yeah.
So now we clean up the second letter and then
if from there, I always tell people, all right, pray
(33:45):
and ask God if you sus send a letter.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
Let's talk about building a relationship from spiritual principles as
opposed to building one on a human condition.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
Okay, so one, I believe that having a spiritual foundation
is so important because, as you alluded to, as you mentioned,
it creates accountability in the relationship, a greater level of accountability,
but not just a great level of accountability. It kind
of creates a different focal point. Meaning I think the
(34:16):
mistake that we make in relationships is that we are
making our actions based off of their actions. So if
they talk to us funny today, now I'm going to
talk to them funny, I'm gonna start acting crazy because
they're acting crazy or they're not doing this for me,
so I'm not gonna do that for them. But if
you are honoring God and God wants you to handle
(34:37):
things a certain kind of way, it's easier for you
to say, all right, I show up the right way
in the relationship because I'm honoring God and I'm honoring
the blessing God gave me, and you are the beneficiary
of it. So even in your moments where you fall short,
I'm held to the standard of making sure I'm making
God happy with my actions.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
Your accountable to.
Speaker 3 (34:58):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
And it's just that I think we have to learn
to not just make it about what our partner is
or isn't doing in every single moment, because listen, we're human.
We're gonna have moments we fall short. We're gonna have
moments we make mistakes. But when you have that spiritual foundation,
you can then go back to God and say, how
do you want me to proceed? How do you want
(35:19):
me to handle this situation? You know, Like I tell people,
pray before you react, you know, because it will make
such a huge difference in how you navigate that current situation.
Because sometimes it's an easily fixable situation. But what we
do is we react based of our human perception of things,
(35:40):
and we add fuel to the fire, and now it
goes way further left than it ever needed to go.
And now we have to work not to just fix
the initial issue, but all the issues we piled on
on top of it because we didn't allow God to
guide us in that moment.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
That's it to stick to the principles, because that's what
I think spiritual law and principle. Last week when we
were talking, we talked about cheating, and you said that
the very often people make the cheating about the cheater
and not about the one who was cheated on. When
you have a spiritual structure that you're relating it, building
(36:21):
your marriage it, and cheating violates the principles, what do
you do with that?
Speaker 2 (36:28):
Well, again, I think first, and this is not to
take any pressure off the cheater, but I want to
be real because I feel like if we're going to
solve this issue, we have to address all the different angles.
So one, I believe that neglect is as bad of
a violation that's cheating, neglect, blatant neglect such as sexual neglect,
(36:51):
emotional langue, et. And we're being more specific by saying
it has been communicated to you. It's one thing when
you were not aware that that's something different, but when
you are being told this is a problem over and
over and over again. So I use this analogy. It's
almost like if a mother had a son, and she said,
you can only eat in this house. You can't eat
(37:13):
anywhere else. All right, I will feed you. You'll be good.
Monday comes. I'm tired today. Just wait till tomorrow. I'll
feed you. Tuesday comes. I don't got the foods yet.
Just give me some more time. We're now on day five.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
I'm hard five.
Speaker 3 (37:32):
It's day five. The child's walking down the street.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
Someone sees the mild nourished to child and says, boy,
would you like a sandwich?
Speaker 3 (37:40):
Now in his head, he's thinking.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
I'm not supposed to eat anywhere else, but damn I'm hungry.
Speaker 3 (37:45):
I'll take a bite. It can't hurt. He gets home.
How could you have eaten someone else?
Speaker 2 (37:51):
I tell you, But you starved him for five days?
Speaker 1 (37:55):
Got it? That is a beautiful did y all hear that?
All you are spot listening out there? Hear what he's saying.
It goes both ways. Yes, when a man says, you know,
all you ever do is tell me what I didn't do, right,
You're never grateful for what I did do. When a
man says to you, you don't hear me either. When
(38:15):
a man says to you, as a woman, I'm saying
when a man says to you, you're not there for
me here and now the next thing, you know, he
got tulula around the corner. Him in the independent roaming
penis around the corner. Or men, my brothers, when a
woman says to you, don't take what I feel seriously,
(38:38):
or when a woman says to you, you're not here
from me when I need you, and now she's up
the street with bad boy, you know, bad boy Bruce
or whatever his name is. You know, that is so incredible.
Neglect when you've been told and you don't address it
(38:59):
could manifest as the roaming anxiety parts.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
And I think going back to the initial question of
what do you do when the violation occurs? So let's
just assume there wasn't neglect. Let's just assume that in
this scenario, this person just stepped out. So one, I
think again, we have to understand that there are some
examples of cheating where it's a symptom of two people
who don't belong together, okay, and then there's others where
(39:24):
it's a symptom of something broken within the relationship between
two people who can work together.
Speaker 3 (39:30):
All right.
Speaker 2 (39:31):
So that's why we have to go deeper into each
situation to understand which one are we really dealing with, Because,
for example, you'll have a woman now say, oh, this
man cheating on me, and I'm you know, she's contemplating him,
let's say repeatedly. And let's just say he's arguing that
this is just one time thing whatever. But I'm like, okay,
(39:51):
wait a minute, put the cheating to a side. Let's
look at the rest of relationship. He neglects you. You've
been unhappy, the house hold is toxic. Cheating or not,
this is a bad relationship.
Speaker 1 (40:04):
And those are the clues.
Speaker 2 (40:05):
Yes, you're so focused on the cheating, but this is
a bad relationship.
Speaker 3 (40:08):
Now, let's flip it.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
Cheating occur, but when we look at the relationship, everything
is amazing, everything is great. So maybe this is just
into the isolated issue that we just need to discuss.
How did we get here? Why did this happen? Because
everything else we have going on is good. Now in
the in the the idea of violation spiritually and the
(40:30):
breach of trust, the breach of trust, well, guess what
we sin every day.
Speaker 1 (40:35):
I ain't talking about sinners.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
You got from a principal standpoint, you got to understand
what I'm going going with here.
Speaker 1 (40:42):
We we break and violate trust.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
We violate God's trust in that sense, we violate the
principles of what we're supposed to uphold.
Speaker 3 (40:52):
Does it automatic?
Speaker 1 (40:53):
Like me? You better believe violate God's trust in us
every day?
Speaker 3 (40:59):
Yes, Lord.
Speaker 2 (41:01):
And the only reason why I believe that God has
given us grace because He knows that human beings were
gonna fall short and without grace, none of us would
make it past this level. Okay, I think that we
need to extend that grace to each other in a
lot of situations. Again, it's not to make cheating okay,
is to understand rather than making this about this is
(41:21):
a horrible person or whatever the case may be, the
bottom line question is do we fit.
Speaker 3 (41:27):
Together and can we make this work? Is this fixable
or not?
Speaker 2 (41:31):
If it is not, then this is just the time.
This is our chance to break free. I've said to
people before, I said some of y'all needed to be
cheated off. Yeah, because if you weren't, you would have
never walked away from this unhealthy ass relationship.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
Listen, I for me. You know the roaming penis and
what it does. That's not the issue. You cannot measure
the depth of sexual interaction, what really did the person do?
This is what it is for me in the cheating,
that you breach your own personal integrity, not by having sex,
(42:09):
but by having sex and then coming and looking me
in my face and lying to me. That's a problem
to me because now I'm wondering, Okay, now, who are you?
Because you're dangerous. But let me you're dangerous if you
can look me in my face and lie to me
about where you've been, what you're doing, and if you
would do that. I'm talking man woman. I'm sure it
(42:31):
goes on in same sex relationships too, but man to woman,
I want to know what the lie you're telling my
sister that's making her okay with this? Are you telling
her with separated? Are you telling her I'm dead? Are
you telling her I'm not giving you none? What are
you telling her? So what challenges me is the lies
that you tell that compromise your personal integrity as a man.
(42:54):
That's my problem. Go get as much nookie as you want,
that's your business. You and the Roman penis gonna have
fun out the whip it up on a horse. It's
that part that I that's dangerous.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
So and this may or may not apply to your experiences,
but a lot of women you self identified as an
alful women, A lot of women who are altful women
are in that mold. They don't realize that the energy
that they're giving off draws them, yes, and it draws
in the man who has no vision, who lacks purpose,
(43:27):
and he wants you because you give him the bilitary.
Speaker 3 (43:31):
He doesn't have to give you this stability.
Speaker 2 (43:34):
And so for a lot of women, they fall into
the trap of this feels good because this kind of
man is more available to give you attention, to listen
to all these things. Ain't nobody more available than a
broke man. So this dude is just free to pour
into you and it feels great. But over time you're
(43:55):
waiting for him to take the man step up, and
he's never developed that. And the only way to receive
that man who has those skills from the jump is
to be able to exude that feminine energy, is to
be able to walk in that power that that kind
of man is going to be drawn to. And I
think a lot of women will say to me, well,
I'm feminine when I'm in the relationship Okay, that's great.
(44:18):
But if he can't see that before he gets that far,
why would he even try to talk to you. He'll
just go to somebody else who's exuding that energy that
he wants.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
I learned the hard way, though, Stefan.
Speaker 3 (44:29):
I learned.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
I'm gonna tell you how I learned. I was married,
didn't understand who I was as an alpha woman and
what that energy was. And so and I made more money.
And even though I really work to be a soft
place for him to fall, you know, the ego is
a big thing. And so it all happened around a
(44:52):
Christmas tree. We agreed that because I didn't do he
didn't do Christmas. He did Quanmsa.
Speaker 3 (45:01):
I did Christmas.
Speaker 1 (45:02):
I'm like a Chris. I don't know what it is.
I don't have no problem with Kwansa. And I have
my canora and all my you know, my things. But
so we agreed that we would do. He would do
Christmas and I would do Quansa. He would get me
what I needed for Christmas. I would get him what
he needed for quansas. So I had the canora and
(45:22):
the candles and the zawadi and everything, and he would
get to Christmas tree. So this one particular year, I
went out and I saw this Christmas tree, the Christmas
tree of life. This Christmas tree was PLoP down out
of heaven just for me. I'm talking to spruce pine
full No. So I saw the Christmas tree and I
(45:44):
go and I say to the man how much is
this tree? And he tells me, and I said, please,
can I give you a deposit? I want you to
hold this tree. I'm gonna go home. My husband's gonna
come and get it. And I buy my tree there
every year. So he said, go ahead, let me tell
him to come on and pick it up. I'll hold
it for you till tomorrow. I go home totally excited,
(46:07):
totally excited about this Christmas tree. And I tell him
and he said, well, how much is it? I said
eighty dollars. He said, I ain't paying no eighty dollars
for no Christmas tree. Oh, but I'm wanting, why do
we have to have an eighty dollars Christmas tree? Well,
it's not that it's eighty dollars, it said, it's perfect,
it's a point in the thing, it's no cones falling
(46:27):
off the floor. I'm not paying no eighty dollars for
no Christmas tree. I said, but wine, I want it,
and he wouldn't go get it. So at first I was,
you know, heartbroken, and then I got pissed off, and
then I was in the car, me and the ego,
and it just took over my break. It just consumed
(46:53):
the goodness of me as a woman of spirit and
God and love. And I went and bought my Christmas tree,
and so in his attempt to please me, he went
and bought a Christmas tree. Bottom line, we ended up
with two Christmas trees. And mine was the perfect spruce pine.
His was a Kwansa bush. We're not even branches, it was.
Speaker 2 (47:19):
It was.
Speaker 1 (47:19):
It was terrible. So when we he had the tree,
I had the tree, and I was being totally rebellious
and defiant and controlling and totally unsubmitted. It really did
hurt me though, and he couldn't hear me. If this
is what you want, and our agreement is, I'll get
(47:40):
you what you want for Christmas. He had a beautiful canora.
I had wonderful flowers, I mean candles. I had the
basket for the Zawa. I had everything for his Kwansa.
I didn't ask him what you know. I didn't complain
about how much I want this eighty dollars Christmas tree,
and when he didn't buy it, and the ego took
over it myself. So we had these two Christmas trees
(48:03):
in the house. I decorated both. But when I saw
his face, when he saw that tree I had bought,
I not only saw his face, I felt the only
word I can think of is destruction. It destroyed something
in him that broke my heart. And we never recovered.
(48:27):
We never recovered from a freaking Christmas tree.
Speaker 2 (48:31):
And I mean because at the end of it, it
boiled down to you felt like he dismissed how you
feel and you weren't heard, and he felt like you
didn't respect him.
Speaker 1 (48:40):
Absolutely, Oh I'm clear about that. But it taught me.
It taught me how to contain my alpiness. And it
taught me because see, I could have got that Christmas
tree in the bed. If I had been conscious, I
would have worked that bedroom. Them sheets, pillow cases, the
(49:02):
bed cover everything. I would have had that tree. And
it's mama.
Speaker 2 (49:07):
And that's the thing that a lot of women do
not understand. Your feminine energy is power. Power doesn't simply
mean you have to do everything the man says. Power
means you can dictate certain things by turning up your
feminine energy a few more notches, and that feminine energy
is just the biggest thing that women can learn to
(49:27):
tap into everywhere that would get them so much more
out of life.
Speaker 1 (49:30):
Are you married this No?
Speaker 3 (49:34):
So no, I'm not married.
Speaker 1 (49:36):
And for all of the single women, you want to
be available. When you your intuition kicks in and you
start where can they find you? Just in general in life,
where do people go to find.
Speaker 3 (49:47):
They go to Stephans dot com. They give f all
my books and links to the YouTube and everything.
Speaker 1 (49:56):
Like you're on tour now, you're naming your tours Heal
my People.
Speaker 2 (49:59):
Right, I'm on tour with the Bobby Price to Heal
my People tour talking about relationships, trauma, you know, eating right,
just overall health and just trying to get people on
that better path.
Speaker 1 (50:10):
Because twenty twenty four is an eight year power and
everything that we everything's going to be intensified. Your dysfunction,
your trauma, your power, your money, your purpose, everything is
going to be intensified in twenty twenty four. So I'm
(50:30):
really glad that you're here. I thank you for taking
this time. I'm too old for you, so even if
your intuition tells you, I'm the one tell your intuition
you can't obeg. I thank you for being here. Thank
you as an elder, as a ya yay, as a grandma.
(50:54):
I want you to know that you've got somebody praying
for you.
Speaker 3 (50:58):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (50:59):
I appreciate you work, I see you on purpose, and
I'm just so excited to be able to have this
intergenerational conversation. You know, I could probably be your mother's mother.
I know I look fly and everything, so please know
that and know that anytime you need me on shoulder
(51:20):
to cry on inside information, I'm just a call away.
Appreciate this has been the our spot. I've had the
most absolutely glorious time with my guests, Stefan, not for
one session, but for two. I don't know what y'all
(51:42):
got out of it. I really don't even care. I
do hope you do. Remember the independently roaming Penis and China.
Those are the teachings that happen when you have a
human base rather than a spirits based relationship, when you're
leaning on your trauma instead of on your accountability and
your responsibility when you're being in your human as opposed
(52:04):
to in a higher purpose, and all of these things
Stefan and I have talked about. Whatever you're doing, whatever
you're in, whatever you're calling forth. In twenty twenty four,
it is going to be intensified. So Stefan and myself
and so many others of us out here want you
to be in alignment in your relationship with yourself, your
(52:28):
relationship with your creator, your relationship with your partner, your children,
your parents.
Speaker 3 (52:34):
And the earth.
Speaker 1 (52:35):
So do the work, do the work, do the work,
do the work, and get yourself in order. Yeah, because
I want you to be in peace and not in pieces.
I'll see you next time, writing on the R spote.
(52:56):
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
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the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
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