August 16, 2023 • 36 mins
Iyanla shares a very personal story about her relationship with her daughter, which helps spark a conversation on releasing control of a situation in order to heal it. Iyanla’s first caller is a divorced father who desperately wants his daughter to rekindle a relationship with her mother, but he’s plagued by guilt over mishandling the situation. Then, a second caller is a fixer, always wanting to step in and solve everyone else’s problems, even if it means overstepping or putting herself second.
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This episode is a rebroadcast of Episode 37.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:38):
When there's a breakdown in a relationship, it's hard on
the people involved, But here's the truth, it is even
harder on the people watching. It's harder because they don't
know if they have to pick aside. They can see
who's responsible for what, but they can't always say it.
(00:59):
It's hard on the people watching the breakdown and they
become collateral damage. But they have to have clear boundaries
and they have to know where they can and cannot tread.
They have to know that the relationship can be healed.
But the only way it can be healed is if
the people involved in the breakdown are willing. And when
(01:22):
they're not willing, the people who are watching the breakdown
just have to stop watching, turn your head in another direct,
don't look if it's hard to look at, look somewhere else.
And that doesn't mean that you don't act like it's
not going on, but you just don't stick your opinion
(01:43):
in it at all. You've got to know that no
matter how bad it looks, a relationship can be healed
and you may not be the vehicle through which it
is here. Welcome to the r spot, beloved. Thank you
for your patience. Now what is your challenge, issue, dilemma,
(02:04):
problem that we can nibble on together today?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Hi, Yes, ma'am. I'm a father of four. My oldest daughter,
it's currently a strange from her a relationship with their mom.
She's twenty four years old and early on me and
her mom went through a separation, divorce and she was
out of my life for approximately five years. Based on
things that happened immediately following a divorce, it took me
(02:33):
an additional five years just for us to get into
a really good, comfortable space, and unfortunately the downside is
that she no longer has a relationship with their mother.
The major dilemma that I would like to address is
that I would love for her to be able to
have both parents in her life at the same time.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
He's always stated to me, tried to.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Not get involved in try to mind senses and I
try to follow that to the tea because that's what
she said she wants. But part of me, especially how
I was raised with both parents, it still is an
unsettled feeling for myself.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yeah. First of all, I want you to take a breath.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
I don't know if you're nervous, or you're moving or
what's going on, but take a breath. Nervous Yeah, no,
don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. Think of me as
your older sister.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
Okay, we'll do for sure.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
I have no heat, no judgment. I just want to
support you in being the best that you can be.
What a blessing that your baby girl has her dad
and her life.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
So many women who would give their two front teeth
to have their dad and their life. So she's blessed,
and I think she's It sounds like she's very important
to you, So I want to you and being there
for her and being the best that you can be.
(04:05):
So it sounds like your greatest challenge here is that
your twenty four year old daughter, with whom you now
have a relationship after being absent, is a strange from
her mom. Yes, ma'am, you're wanting to know how you
can support her and being in relationship with her mom?
(04:27):
Is that it?
Speaker 3 (04:28):
That's correct?
Speaker 1 (04:30):
How does her being estranged from her mother show up
in her life? How is it affecting her? How is
it impacting her?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Just recently she got married. My daughter did just as
past December, and what I noticed during that time frame,
we try to call each other at least one or
two times per week.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
She would speak.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
About her mother and had not done so in a while.
And currently every time I'm on the phone with her,
she brings up her mother one way or the other.
My greatest fear is I don't want her to feel
betrayed by me, but that's usually.
Speaker 4 (05:07):
How it shows up currently.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yeah, Are you in relationship with the mother?
Speaker 3 (05:14):
No, we do not have a relationship.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
It was a very difficult divorce that took place and
we don't talk at all. The last time I saw
is our youngest son's graduation, and that's actually the last
time I actually talked to her, so that was about
three years ago.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Are you in relationship with all of the children.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yes, currently, my youngest daughter, she was the last one
that came on board. We started talking just this past December,
and there was a three year break of us not
talking that just we started in December.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Okay, let me see if I can put it to
you this way. You're not looking at your daughter not
being estranged from her mother. You're looking at two women
and breakdown. You gotta hold it like that in your mind.
This is two women. Definitely, don't put your foot in
(06:16):
that at all, because as a man, you can't even
begin to understand the intricate details of a breakdown between
two women. You cannot because most of the time we
can't understand it. What you can do is be there
for your daughter. Listen to your daughter, offer her words
(06:38):
of wisdom. If she just got married, did the mother
go to the wedding? No? Oh yeah, though your daughter's
really hurting. She's in a lot of pain. Does she
have children?
Speaker 3 (06:55):
No, no children. She said that may be part of
the future.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Which is it change from what she originally said that
that was never going to happen.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Okay, yeah, but she she's going to have to have
her first baby without her mother and that's going to
be a problem for her. And the thing that you
can wait in the door is I understand that you're
upset and separated from your mom, But what are some
(07:25):
of the things that she did that you don't want
to do, because that's going to be a question. You know,
she's probably trying so hard not to be like her mother.
Do you know why they separated? What was the breakdown about.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
It's something that kind of brewed over time period. I
can say that the very last straw is that my
daughter is biracial. Her mother is Caucasian. I'm black, and
certain traditions stayed around the house after I left, and
they were talking politics. She was in her in her
third year in school, and there was a discussion about
(08:04):
at the table, they were just talking about war and
veteran stuff. And my daughter has a very straight hard
line and that's Sam when it comes to it. She
supports her dad, she loves her dad, the veteran, but
she has a hard line about war in the military itself.
And her mother looked at her and says, you're an
angry black woman.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Ooh, hold up, this white lady told her daughter, you're
an angry black woman.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
Yeah, she did.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
At I think how it was termed as more of
a question, which she's like, I don't know what happened
to my daughter, but why are you such an angry
black woman, and there was a mixed company at the table.
My ex wife's boyfriend was there at the table when
she said that, and her siblings at the table, and
(08:54):
I know that was played a larger.
Speaker 3 (08:57):
Role into the separation. I think that to mark with
things change, Wow.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
That gives this a whole new flavor. But I'm not
going to move off my original point. Daddy, you can't
put your foot in this at all, not at all.
And now you really can't put your foot in it.
You got a white woman and a black woman and upset.
(09:25):
Oh my goodness, are the other children in relationship with
their mom?
Speaker 2 (09:31):
My youngest son just recently broke away from his mom,
and that was a pretty surprising. I think that took
place when it happened. But my son, again, he's one
of the out of the four, he's one of the
two that don't have a current relationship with their mom.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Wow, it sounds to me, and I don't know this
to be true, because I'm sure she has her perspective,
but it sounds to me like mom might need to
do some work and that she might be the focus
of attention. And again, all you can do is support her.
I don't know how that feels to have your mother
(10:15):
ask you such a question. I know, in this day
and age, being biracial is a lot easier than it
was in my time, but still still to have that
come out of your mother's mouth is I don't even
know what that is. I don't know what the word
for it is. But if you have children, are you
(10:37):
going to let your mom see them? Do you know
how important a grandmother is in a grandchild's life. Mothers
love their children, grandmothers adore them. You just have to
think about it. These are things that you can just
broach with her. When you talk to her about her mom.
What does she say?
Speaker 2 (10:56):
There are certain discussions that pop up, like I have.
I found a bunch of pictures from there from her childhood,
and I started sending messages. Of course, she wouldn't remember them,
and she'd find herself next to someone in the picture
and she would say, hey, dad, who's this? Is this
my real mother? In her mind it I don't know
(11:19):
why my own mother doesn't like me. For about two years,
she wouldn't even bring up her mother in a discussion.
But since the wedding, it's these things become more questioned
and I think she's just trying to figure out what
happened regarding her relationship with her mom.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
And she says to you stay out of it, right.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yes, she's like that, I love you, but this. You
can't help this. I don't want you to. If me
and my mother are gonna resolve things, that has to
be done by her choice, and she has to make
that first step.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
The mother has to make the first step.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
Correct.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Yeah, again, all you can do is off for words
of wisdom. When the time comes and you have your
first child, you know you're going to want your mom there.
So I hope you can resolve whatever this difficulty is
before then or when you have problems in your marriage.
If you have questions or challenges, you want your mom
(12:20):
to be a soft place for you to fall, right.
I hope that you will think about those things. But
I agree with her. Don't put your foot in that,
particularly if you and her mother didn't part on good company,
on good term. Just be there for her daddy, so
(12:40):
you when she has her first baby, you have to go, Okay,
we'll do with your iPhone, with your iPhone and take
the pictures.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Yeah, definitely, most definitely.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
This is a little subversive but you can do this
when you know things happen and send you send them
to the mom. Can you do that? Just wanted to
share this with you.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
I can't.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Did you share wedding pictures with her?
Speaker 3 (13:09):
I did not.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
That was one of those things you specifically said don't do.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Oh okay, yeah, honor that and just know if nothing else,
this is not about your daughter being in breakdown with
her mother. Take it off of that, because that's going
to pull a heart string for you. This is about
two women in breakdown, and really there really is nothing
(13:35):
that you can do, particularly because your daughter has said
stay out of it. Honor that.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
We'll do.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Honor that. Well, I'm glad she's got you, daddy. I'm
glad she's got you.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
One of the greatest joys of my life. So I
am thankful.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
And I don't know if you're a praying man, but
I would pray about it.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
I will.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
I will definitely ask.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
The angels, the guardians, the ancestors to God to bring
this to healing for the highest good of everybody involved. Okay,
well for sure, all right, thank you. I don't have
many broken relationships in my life, but one that is
(14:21):
broken for me is my relationship with my youngest daughter,
and as a mom, it is heartbreaking, gut wrenching to
know that my baby girl is out there in the
world and doesn't want me to be a part of
her life. But as a woman, I have to respect
(14:41):
her choice. I'm her mother, and the power don't run up,
it runs down. So if she has made the choice
that she'd rather be out in the world without her mom,
if I'm not a soft place for her to fall,
if she can't trust my voice and my intentions, then
(15:03):
maybe it's just best that we not be in relationship.
And just like my last guest, I'm sure it's really
hard on the people watching, But all I can do
is hold a space for her, because sometimes the healing
is in letting it go. And even though the people
(15:24):
watching and the people all around you they try to
give you suggestions and recommendations, just tell them shh, I'm
willing to be totally and completely responsible, but I'm letting
go now. My next caller is dealing with the same issue.
But as long as you hold on, dealing can happen.
(15:46):
We'll talk to her when we come back. Welcome back
to the R Spot. We are continuing our conversation about
letting go until the healing happens. Thank you for calling
(16:07):
our spot. Now, what is your relationship challenge issued dilemma
that I can support you in Today?
Speaker 4 (16:15):
I've been watching my closest family members, the closest to me,
fall apart, so to speak. Within the past three years,
we lost one family member to suicide, one had a
heart condition that took him pretty quickly, and some others
that have exhibited mental illness. And I have what I
call Superman complex where I want to fix things and
(16:40):
I want to fix things I don't have control over,
especially as it relates to my loved ones. And I've
noticed that the connection that we've had as a family
is fading because of these things, and it's had a
profound effect on me, especially as a new mother. I
just had a baby recently, So I'm looking to know
how I can bess navigate this because I'm watching the
(17:02):
ones that I love most thinking to depression, addiction, hopelessness,
and I feel helpless myself. I do listen to your show,
and I know you talk a lot about faith, but
prayer it doesn't feel like it's always enough. And these
are people I interact with every day.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Oh my goodness, do you have a pencil and a
piece of paper?
Speaker 4 (17:25):
I could get one.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Okay, then I don't. I don't want you to have
to do that because you've been holding so long. So
I want you to hear this. I'm going to write
it down for you. Okay, frightened control freak? Did you
hear what I.
Speaker 4 (17:44):
Said, frightened control freak? Yes?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Yeah, I didn't think I was going there, did you.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
No control freak is not good.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Yeah, no, it's not. It's not good at all. And
I think the most disturbing thing I heard you say
was the prayer doesn't seem like it's enough. So that
says to me, not only is there a little manic
control freak running around someplace in the left quadrant of
(18:25):
your brain, you also have a predetermined scenario of what
you think this should look like. And if you're praying
and it still looks the same, how do you know
what that person's spiritual contract is and what they have
(18:46):
to go through and what they have to experience in
order to get to where they need to be. It
may look like addiction, it may look like depression, it
may look like hopelessness, But how do you know in
the midst of your prayer. That's it not exactly what
it needs to look like right now to get to
(19:09):
where they need to be. How do you know that?
Speaker 4 (19:13):
I don't know that, But it's sometimes hard to think
about the journey when I'm so scared and i feel
like I'm watching something dangerous happen.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
That's the other part, the frightened part. But you see,
there are only two emotions that matter. The first one
is love and the second one is fear. And when
you are in fear, you cannot be in love because
no two things can occupy the same space at the
(19:45):
same time. So you're in fear because it doesn't look
like you think it should look, and you don't feel
or know what to do about it. That's creating for you, knew.
Speaker 4 (20:01):
Mama, he definitely is.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
So I want to share with you two things and
maybe one of them will fit. Okay. I had a
very dear friend. Actually she was one of my students,
and I love her dearly, and she was in the
throes of a crippling depression, crippling almost to the point
(20:27):
where she wouldn't comb her hair every day, but she
kept getting up and she kept coming to class. Sometimes
she would come to class and just weep. She would
try to get the work done and couldn't get the
work done. And I'm looking at this and I'm like,
oh my God, what do I do?
Speaker 4 (20:45):
Right?
Speaker 1 (20:46):
So I did what I know how to do best,
which is pray, help her, God, show me what to do.
That was really my prayer. I didn't even say help
her God, tell the Jew, I'm telling the jewth okay.
I would say, show me what to do. What do
I need to do? How can I help her? And
to me, it looked like it was getting worse, to
(21:09):
the point where if I didn't hear from her, like
in three or four days, I'd send people a call
and check on her and make sure she hadn't harmed herself.
That's how bad it was. Yeah, until one day I
was praying, and what came to me is you're praying
the wrong prayer. You're asking your creator, your source, what
(21:33):
you need to do to fix this, as opposed to
turning it over and letting create a source God fix it.
I said, oh my goodness, So I changed my prayer
to I'm placing her in your hands. I know you
love her. I don't like what this looks like I
don't like what it feels like. And I prayed that prayer,
(21:54):
and after I don't know, maybe a month or two,
you know what I heard. I heard this I'll meet
her on the other side. I was like, whoa, I'll
meet her on the other side. So that let me
know two things. Number one, my prayer had been heard,
and number two, she was going to get through this.
(22:15):
And if it was too hard for me to look at,
I stopped looking. I kept praying, but I stopped looking.
I stopped looking, I stopped calling, I stopped worrying. I
stopped making up all kinds of horrifying scenarios in my
mind about her harming herself or ended up homeless on
(22:36):
the street eating cat food, all of the stuff that
I was tormenting myself with. I stopped it.
Speaker 4 (22:42):
I've been there.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Because I had that word, yeah, yeah, I'll meet her
on the other side. That also told me that something
greater than me was in it with her. Does that
make sense to you?
Speaker 4 (22:56):
It does? It does? It takes found amount of letting
go to get there.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Absolutely. And the other thing that I had to really embrace,
particularly you said you're a new mama. I'm an old mama,
when my youngins, when my pups, when my babies were
going through a difficult time, and I was twisting myself
(23:27):
in a pretzel trying to keep them from hitting rock
bottom because to me, rock bottom they were looking at
rock bottom okay, And as mama, I want to fix it,
change it, throw money at it, throw people at it,
everything to fix it and change it. Until I was
reading something one day and I came across this line
(23:49):
and it said, it's very hard to watch your loved
ones hit rock bottom until you remember that God made
the wow. And what I took from that was maybe
they've got to get down there to find their strength there, faith,
(24:13):
their trust, their relationship with God. That's when they are
going to have to pray for themselves. See, we don't
know what anybody's spiritual contract is. We don't know what
they came here to learn or do or accomplish. And
as long as we're afraid, it's saying two things that
(24:35):
we don't believe. First of all, that God can save them,
and second of all that they have the wherewithal to
save themselves.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
Since we've had a suicide, I think that kind of
took away my ability in a way to see that
someone could save themselves. But I sometimes it's imagine the
worst case scenario. If someone goes through enough sufferings, they'll
take themselves away.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
People don't commit suicide because they want to die. People
commit suicide because they don't know how to live. They
don't know how to end the pain. They don't really
want to die, they just haven't prayed the prayer or
found the way, or found the fortitude whatever it is
required to move through the pain. So to end the pain,
(25:29):
they end their lives. But there's always a way to
end the pain. And one person committing suicide, as challenging
and difficult as it is, that may have been their
contract that has nothing to do with anybody else. But
you got to give up this control piece. I don't
know which is worse, to control or to fear.
Speaker 4 (25:51):
For the horrible combination too, it's.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Like drinking poison expecting somebody else to die. Oh my goodness,
I know we'll talk about that right after this break.
Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to
(26:14):
the conversation. This is gonna sound horrible, but it's the
only way I know you're going to get out of
this is to see the worst and work yourself through it.
See the worst and work yourself through it. What that
means is, let's say I heard you say something about
(26:35):
drug abuse. So let's say that person is strung out
or out on the streets and you know, gets beat
up or gets arrested or God forbid overdoses. How would
you feel? How would you feel? Work yourself through that
so that you can clear that out, because you're not
(26:56):
going to be able to see anything higher as long
as you're fighting against acknowledging the lower. And if you
love these people, love them enough to see them higher,
even though your eyes are looking at rock bottom. Remember
who made the rock, love them enough to see them higher.
(27:19):
I know you can do this. I know You've got
the strengthen there, and I'm calling it forward in you
right now. You're better than this, You're more than this,
and you may have to pray that prayer for a
long time, but God will meet him on the other side.
Speaker 4 (27:35):
I never thought about it that way.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
That's because you've let your control freak run them up.
Speaker 4 (27:43):
I just want it to be right.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
It is right, because that's what it is. That's what
it is right now, and it is right can it
get better? Yes? Right, these people people weren't always like this.
Is that accurate?
Speaker 4 (28:03):
That's true? Yes?
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yeah? So where is that that kept it at bay
for so long? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (28:12):
I just love them so much. I just I know
I never imagined that my own family, my closest family members,
with so many of them, would be in this state.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Well, love them enough to know that this is what
they have to go through at this time. Stop thinking
that you know where they should be, because you don't.
This is where they are and it's hard. I'm hearing
it's hard, And don't try to talk them out of it,
shame them in it. You know, it's a simple statement.
I see so much better for you, and I'm praying
(28:45):
that you get there.
Speaker 4 (28:47):
Simple If you don't mind me asking how many times
a day do you pray?
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I pray all day. I'm praying right now, prayer for you.
I don't have to stop and kneel down and go
in the corner. And I don't have to do that
because I know that every thought I think is a prayer,
every word I speak is a prayer. That's why I
(29:16):
say to you, go to the worst, work yourself through it,
and get higher because you thinking or hold trying not
to think about the worst possible outcome. That's a prayer.
That's a prayer. Every thought is a prayer. And this
is horrible, that's a prayer. You're sending that energy out.
(29:36):
Oh my god, they shouldn't be like this. That's a prayer.
And so is this is getting better. May not look
better right now, but this is shifted, this is turning around.
And I'm so grateful. And it may be hard based
on what you're looking at, but you want to send
that prayer out there too. I'm praying for you and
(29:59):
your new baby. Thank you so much that you can
take some of this energy that you're dispensing over things
you can control and turn it on your baby. And
I'm praying that you elevate that fear into love, real
true love, and know that the same creator that holds
(30:20):
you near holds them near. We don't know the good
that's on the other side of this, We just don't.
And it's hard to look at right. My brother was
cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, and after a while
I just stopped looking. I couldn't look no more. I
(30:41):
stopped looking, Wow, thinking every day he's gonna get better.
He's gonna get better. I stopped.
Speaker 4 (30:49):
And how long did it take you to get there?
Or it's just a natural thing, you just got there.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
No, he was my older brother, addicted to drugs and
alcohol from the I He was sixteen years old, and
I didn't stop looking until we were like in our forties. Wow,
but I just couldn't look no more. I couldn't look.
I told him, don't call me, don't call me. If
this is how you want to be, don't call me.
(31:15):
And that was really hard. And he didn't call for
five years.
Speaker 4 (31:19):
It's a long time. Ah, yeah, a long time, seeing
as it stands at being nervous wrecktion an entire five years.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
That's the control freak in. You have to put her
to rest, because really, what can you do? What can
you do? My brother never came to me and said,
will you help me with my addiction? Never he'd come
to me and say can I have some money? He
never said I want to stop using can you help me?
Speaker 4 (31:51):
Well, they really do, and then I guess then separating
myself from it. I used to think separating myself from it,
which just as bad as being around everyone and wishing
I could help. And I feel like what you've given
me is a medium, is a place that maybe I
can be in because it was pulling me both sides.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Yeah, and I would say again, in your prayers and
in your affirmations or in your positive mind state, whatever
you want to call it, turn it over. Acknowledge your frailty.
I know there's nothing I can do about this. I'm
turning it over to something greater than me, greater than that. Right, Okay,
(32:41):
it's gonna be okay. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay.
And don't awfulize. Don't expect the worst, because it sounds
like you're doing that too. You're traumatizing yourself.
Speaker 4 (32:53):
Yeah, I do.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
You have a frightened control freak running a mark in
your mind. Give her her name and give her something
else to do. I know what you can give her
to do. You want to give her something else to do,
Please send her to the House of Representatives in Washington.
(33:19):
Tell her to teach them how to vote for the
good of the people. Okay, let her work on that.
Speaker 4 (33:24):
Okay, send her right.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
Down to Washington, d C. And let her wrangle up
them politicians down there. Let her work on that. So
anytime you start thinking about how horrible this is in
your family. Get on the bus, Go to d C.
Go down to the House of Representative, Go into the Senate,
go somewhere, go over there and work with them people.
Leave me alone, underway. Okay, let them wrangle that up. Yeah,
(33:53):
send her, give her a name. Tell her, Betty, I
need you to go down to DC. They need you
in the Senate right now. They're trying to they trying
to make some bills. Go down there and work on them.
Leave me alone, okay, okay. Strengthen your prayers, beloved, strengthen
your prayers, and get out of the middle of it, right. Okay,
(34:17):
Thank you so so much, Thank you for your patience.
Speaker 4 (34:20):
Of course, bye bye bye.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Loving people and wanting the best for them is a
very different thing than trying to control what they do.
And sometimes when we love people and we want the
best for them, we also think that we know how
to bring their best about, and that's not always true.
(34:49):
And when we don't make the distinction between loving people
and controlling people, between wanting the best for some people
those people that we love, and trying to make it
look the way we think it should look. When we
don't make that distinction, we create unnecessary stress for ourselfs
(35:13):
and that stress will impact the relationship. Loving somebody and
controlling somebody two completely different things. And if you love somebody,
you want to see the best for them, hold the
best for them, know the best for them, without trying
(35:34):
to make it happen the way you think it's supposed
to happen. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
and if you have a question about this or any
other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now
be sure to follow me on social media for all
(35:54):
of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace
and not be seased. The R Spot is a production
of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts
from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
(36:16):
wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:38):
When there's a breakdown in a relationship, it's hard on
the people involved, But here's the truth, it is even
harder on the people watching. It's harder because they don't
know if they have to pick aside. They can see
who's responsible for what, but they can't always say it.
(00:59):
It's hard on the people watching the breakdown and they
become collateral damage. But they have to have clear boundaries
and they have to know where they can and cannot tread.
They have to know that the relationship can be healed.
But the only way it can be healed is if
the people involved in the breakdown are willing. And when
(01:22):
they're not willing, the people who are watching the breakdown
just have to stop watching, turn your head in another direct,
don't look if it's hard to look at, look somewhere else.
And that doesn't mean that you don't act like it's
not going on, but you just don't stick your opinion
(01:43):
in it at all. You've got to know that no
matter how bad it looks, a relationship can be healed
and you may not be the vehicle through which it
is here. Welcome to the r spot, beloved. Thank you
for your patience. Now what is your challenge, issue, dilemma,
(02:04):
problem that we can nibble on together today?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Hi, Yes, ma'am. I'm a father of four. My oldest daughter,
it's currently a strange from her a relationship with their mom.
She's twenty four years old and early on me and
her mom went through a separation, divorce and she was
out of my life for approximately five years. Based on
things that happened immediately following a divorce, it took me
(02:33):
an additional five years just for us to get into
a really good, comfortable space, and unfortunately the downside is
that she no longer has a relationship with their mother.
The major dilemma that I would like to address is
that I would love for her to be able to
have both parents in her life at the same time.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
He's always stated to me, tried to.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Not get involved in try to mind senses and I
try to follow that to the tea because that's what
she said she wants. But part of me, especially how
I was raised with both parents, it still is an
unsettled feeling for myself.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yeah. First of all, I want you to take a breath.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
I don't know if you're nervous, or you're moving or
what's going on, but take a breath. Nervous Yeah, no,
don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. Think of me as
your older sister.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
Okay, we'll do for sure.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
I have no heat, no judgment. I just want to
support you in being the best that you can be.
What a blessing that your baby girl has her dad
and her life.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
So many women who would give their two front teeth
to have their dad and their life. So she's blessed,
and I think she's It sounds like she's very important
to you, So I want to you and being there
for her and being the best that you can be.
(04:05):
So it sounds like your greatest challenge here is that
your twenty four year old daughter, with whom you now
have a relationship after being absent, is a strange from
her mom. Yes, ma'am, you're wanting to know how you
can support her and being in relationship with her mom?
(04:27):
Is that it?
Speaker 3 (04:28):
That's correct?
Speaker 1 (04:30):
How does her being estranged from her mother show up
in her life? How is it affecting her? How is
it impacting her?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Just recently she got married. My daughter did just as
past December, and what I noticed during that time frame,
we try to call each other at least one or
two times per week.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
She would speak.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
About her mother and had not done so in a while.
And currently every time I'm on the phone with her,
she brings up her mother one way or the other.
My greatest fear is I don't want her to feel
betrayed by me, but that's usually.
Speaker 4 (05:07):
How it shows up currently.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yeah, Are you in relationship with the mother?
Speaker 3 (05:14):
No, we do not have a relationship.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
It was a very difficult divorce that took place and
we don't talk at all. The last time I saw
is our youngest son's graduation, and that's actually the last
time I actually talked to her, so that was about
three years ago.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Are you in relationship with all of the children.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yes, currently, my youngest daughter, she was the last one
that came on board. We started talking just this past December,
and there was a three year break of us not
talking that just we started in December.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Okay, let me see if I can put it to
you this way. You're not looking at your daughter not
being estranged from her mother. You're looking at two women
and breakdown. You gotta hold it like that in your mind.
This is two women. Definitely, don't put your foot in
(06:16):
that at all, because as a man, you can't even
begin to understand the intricate details of a breakdown between
two women. You cannot because most of the time we
can't understand it. What you can do is be there
for your daughter. Listen to your daughter, offer her words
(06:38):
of wisdom. If she just got married, did the mother
go to the wedding? No? Oh yeah, though your daughter's
really hurting. She's in a lot of pain. Does she
have children?
Speaker 3 (06:55):
No, no children. She said that may be part of
the future.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Which is it change from what she originally said that
that was never going to happen.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Okay, yeah, but she she's going to have to have
her first baby without her mother and that's going to
be a problem for her. And the thing that you
can wait in the door is I understand that you're
upset and separated from your mom, But what are some
(07:25):
of the things that she did that you don't want
to do, because that's going to be a question. You know,
she's probably trying so hard not to be like her mother.
Do you know why they separated? What was the breakdown about.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
It's something that kind of brewed over time period. I
can say that the very last straw is that my
daughter is biracial. Her mother is Caucasian. I'm black, and
certain traditions stayed around the house after I left, and
they were talking politics. She was in her in her
third year in school, and there was a discussion about
(08:04):
at the table, they were just talking about war and
veteran stuff. And my daughter has a very straight hard
line and that's Sam when it comes to it. She
supports her dad, she loves her dad, the veteran, but
she has a hard line about war in the military itself.
And her mother looked at her and says, you're an
angry black woman.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Ooh, hold up, this white lady told her daughter, you're
an angry black woman.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
Yeah, she did.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
At I think how it was termed as more of
a question, which she's like, I don't know what happened
to my daughter, but why are you such an angry
black woman, and there was a mixed company at the table.
My ex wife's boyfriend was there at the table when
she said that, and her siblings at the table, and
(08:54):
I know that was played a larger.
Speaker 3 (08:57):
Role into the separation. I think that to mark with
things change, Wow.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
That gives this a whole new flavor. But I'm not
going to move off my original point. Daddy, you can't
put your foot in this at all, not at all.
And now you really can't put your foot in it.
You got a white woman and a black woman and upset.
(09:25):
Oh my goodness, are the other children in relationship with
their mom?
Speaker 2 (09:31):
My youngest son just recently broke away from his mom,
and that was a pretty surprising. I think that took
place when it happened. But my son, again, he's one
of the out of the four, he's one of the
two that don't have a current relationship with their mom.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Wow, it sounds to me, and I don't know this
to be true, because I'm sure she has her perspective,
but it sounds to me like mom might need to
do some work and that she might be the focus
of attention. And again, all you can do is support her.
I don't know how that feels to have your mother
(10:15):
ask you such a question. I know, in this day
and age, being biracial is a lot easier than it
was in my time, but still still to have that
come out of your mother's mouth is I don't even
know what that is. I don't know what the word
for it is. But if you have children, are you
(10:37):
going to let your mom see them? Do you know
how important a grandmother is in a grandchild's life. Mothers
love their children, grandmothers adore them. You just have to
think about it. These are things that you can just
broach with her. When you talk to her about her mom.
What does she say?
Speaker 2 (10:56):
There are certain discussions that pop up, like I have.
I found a bunch of pictures from there from her childhood,
and I started sending messages. Of course, she wouldn't remember them,
and she'd find herself next to someone in the picture
and she would say, hey, dad, who's this? Is this
my real mother? In her mind it I don't know
(11:19):
why my own mother doesn't like me. For about two years,
she wouldn't even bring up her mother in a discussion.
But since the wedding, it's these things become more questioned
and I think she's just trying to figure out what
happened regarding her relationship with her mom.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
And she says to you stay out of it, right.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yes, she's like that, I love you, but this. You
can't help this. I don't want you to. If me
and my mother are gonna resolve things, that has to
be done by her choice, and she has to make
that first step.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
The mother has to make the first step.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
Correct.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Yeah, again, all you can do is off for words
of wisdom. When the time comes and you have your
first child, you know you're going to want your mom there.
So I hope you can resolve whatever this difficulty is
before then or when you have problems in your marriage.
If you have questions or challenges, you want your mom
(12:20):
to be a soft place for you to fall, right.
I hope that you will think about those things. But
I agree with her. Don't put your foot in that,
particularly if you and her mother didn't part on good company,
on good term. Just be there for her daddy, so
(12:40):
you when she has her first baby, you have to go, Okay,
we'll do with your iPhone, with your iPhone and take
the pictures.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Yeah, definitely, most definitely.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
This is a little subversive but you can do this
when you know things happen and send you send them
to the mom. Can you do that? Just wanted to
share this with you.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
I can't.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Did you share wedding pictures with her?
Speaker 3 (13:09):
I did not.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
That was one of those things you specifically said don't do.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Oh okay, yeah, honor that and just know if nothing else,
this is not about your daughter being in breakdown with
her mother. Take it off of that, because that's going
to pull a heart string for you. This is about
two women in breakdown, and really there really is nothing
(13:35):
that you can do, particularly because your daughter has said
stay out of it. Honor that.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
We'll do.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Honor that. Well, I'm glad she's got you, daddy. I'm
glad she's got you.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
One of the greatest joys of my life. So I
am thankful.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
And I don't know if you're a praying man, but
I would pray about it.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
I will.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
I will definitely ask.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
The angels, the guardians, the ancestors to God to bring
this to healing for the highest good of everybody involved. Okay,
well for sure, all right, thank you. I don't have
many broken relationships in my life, but one that is
(14:21):
broken for me is my relationship with my youngest daughter,
and as a mom, it is heartbreaking, gut wrenching to
know that my baby girl is out there in the
world and doesn't want me to be a part of
her life. But as a woman, I have to respect
(14:41):
her choice. I'm her mother, and the power don't run up,
it runs down. So if she has made the choice
that she'd rather be out in the world without her mom,
if I'm not a soft place for her to fall,
if she can't trust my voice and my intentions, then
(15:03):
maybe it's just best that we not be in relationship.
And just like my last guest, I'm sure it's really
hard on the people watching, But all I can do
is hold a space for her, because sometimes the healing
is in letting it go. And even though the people
(15:24):
watching and the people all around you they try to
give you suggestions and recommendations, just tell them shh, I'm
willing to be totally and completely responsible, but I'm letting
go now. My next caller is dealing with the same issue.
But as long as you hold on, dealing can happen.
(15:46):
We'll talk to her when we come back. Welcome back
to the R Spot. We are continuing our conversation about
letting go until the healing happens. Thank you for calling
(16:07):
our spot. Now, what is your relationship challenge issued dilemma
that I can support you in Today?
Speaker 4 (16:15):
I've been watching my closest family members, the closest to me,
fall apart, so to speak. Within the past three years,
we lost one family member to suicide, one had a
heart condition that took him pretty quickly, and some others
that have exhibited mental illness. And I have what I
call Superman complex where I want to fix things and
(16:40):
I want to fix things I don't have control over,
especially as it relates to my loved ones. And I've
noticed that the connection that we've had as a family
is fading because of these things, and it's had a
profound effect on me, especially as a new mother. I
just had a baby recently, So I'm looking to know
how I can bess navigate this because I'm watching the
(17:02):
ones that I love most thinking to depression, addiction, hopelessness,
and I feel helpless myself. I do listen to your show,
and I know you talk a lot about faith, but
prayer it doesn't feel like it's always enough. And these
are people I interact with every day.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Oh my goodness, do you have a pencil and a
piece of paper?
Speaker 4 (17:25):
I could get one.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Okay, then I don't. I don't want you to have
to do that because you've been holding so long. So
I want you to hear this. I'm going to write
it down for you. Okay, frightened control freak? Did you
hear what I.
Speaker 4 (17:44):
Said, frightened control freak? Yes?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Yeah, I didn't think I was going there, did you.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
No control freak is not good.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Yeah, no, it's not. It's not good at all. And
I think the most disturbing thing I heard you say
was the prayer doesn't seem like it's enough. So that
says to me, not only is there a little manic
control freak running around someplace in the left quadrant of
(18:25):
your brain, you also have a predetermined scenario of what
you think this should look like. And if you're praying
and it still looks the same, how do you know
what that person's spiritual contract is and what they have
(18:46):
to go through and what they have to experience in
order to get to where they need to be. It
may look like addiction, it may look like depression, it
may look like hopelessness, But how do you know in
the midst of your prayer. That's it not exactly what
it needs to look like right now to get to
(19:09):
where they need to be. How do you know that?
Speaker 4 (19:13):
I don't know that, But it's sometimes hard to think
about the journey when I'm so scared and i feel
like I'm watching something dangerous happen.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
That's the other part, the frightened part. But you see,
there are only two emotions that matter. The first one
is love and the second one is fear. And when
you are in fear, you cannot be in love because
no two things can occupy the same space at the
(19:45):
same time. So you're in fear because it doesn't look
like you think it should look, and you don't feel
or know what to do about it. That's creating for you, knew.
Speaker 4 (20:01):
Mama, he definitely is.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
So I want to share with you two things and
maybe one of them will fit. Okay. I had a
very dear friend. Actually she was one of my students,
and I love her dearly, and she was in the
throes of a crippling depression, crippling almost to the point
(20:27):
where she wouldn't comb her hair every day, but she
kept getting up and she kept coming to class. Sometimes
she would come to class and just weep. She would
try to get the work done and couldn't get the
work done. And I'm looking at this and I'm like,
oh my God, what do I do?
Speaker 4 (20:45):
Right?
Speaker 1 (20:46):
So I did what I know how to do best,
which is pray, help her, God, show me what to do.
That was really my prayer. I didn't even say help
her God, tell the Jew, I'm telling the jewth okay.
I would say, show me what to do. What do
I need to do? How can I help her? And
to me, it looked like it was getting worse, to
(21:09):
the point where if I didn't hear from her, like
in three or four days, I'd send people a call
and check on her and make sure she hadn't harmed herself.
That's how bad it was. Yeah, until one day I
was praying, and what came to me is you're praying
the wrong prayer. You're asking your creator, your source, what
(21:33):
you need to do to fix this, as opposed to
turning it over and letting create a source God fix it.
I said, oh my goodness, So I changed my prayer
to I'm placing her in your hands. I know you
love her. I don't like what this looks like I
don't like what it feels like. And I prayed that prayer,
(21:54):
and after I don't know, maybe a month or two,
you know what I heard. I heard this I'll meet
her on the other side. I was like, whoa, I'll
meet her on the other side. So that let me
know two things. Number one, my prayer had been heard,
and number two, she was going to get through this.
(22:15):
And if it was too hard for me to look at,
I stopped looking. I kept praying, but I stopped looking.
I stopped looking, I stopped calling, I stopped worrying. I
stopped making up all kinds of horrifying scenarios in my
mind about her harming herself or ended up homeless on
(22:36):
the street eating cat food, all of the stuff that
I was tormenting myself with. I stopped it.
Speaker 4 (22:42):
I've been there.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Because I had that word, yeah, yeah, I'll meet her
on the other side. That also told me that something
greater than me was in it with her. Does that
make sense to you?
Speaker 4 (22:56):
It does? It does? It takes found amount of letting
go to get there.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Absolutely. And the other thing that I had to really embrace,
particularly you said you're a new mama. I'm an old mama,
when my youngins, when my pups, when my babies were
going through a difficult time, and I was twisting myself
(23:27):
in a pretzel trying to keep them from hitting rock
bottom because to me, rock bottom they were looking at
rock bottom okay, And as mama, I want to fix it,
change it, throw money at it, throw people at it,
everything to fix it and change it. Until I was
reading something one day and I came across this line
(23:49):
and it said, it's very hard to watch your loved
ones hit rock bottom until you remember that God made
the wow. And what I took from that was maybe
they've got to get down there to find their strength there, faith,
(24:13):
their trust, their relationship with God. That's when they are
going to have to pray for themselves. See, we don't
know what anybody's spiritual contract is. We don't know what
they came here to learn or do or accomplish. And
as long as we're afraid, it's saying two things that
(24:35):
we don't believe. First of all, that God can save them,
and second of all that they have the wherewithal to
save themselves.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
Since we've had a suicide, I think that kind of
took away my ability in a way to see that
someone could save themselves. But I sometimes it's imagine the
worst case scenario. If someone goes through enough sufferings, they'll
take themselves away.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
People don't commit suicide because they want to die. People
commit suicide because they don't know how to live. They
don't know how to end the pain. They don't really
want to die, they just haven't prayed the prayer or
found the way, or found the fortitude whatever it is
required to move through the pain. So to end the pain,
(25:29):
they end their lives. But there's always a way to
end the pain. And one person committing suicide, as challenging
and difficult as it is, that may have been their
contract that has nothing to do with anybody else. But
you got to give up this control piece. I don't
know which is worse, to control or to fear.
Speaker 4 (25:51):
For the horrible combination too, it's.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Like drinking poison expecting somebody else to die. Oh my goodness,
I know we'll talk about that right after this break.
Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to
(26:14):
the conversation. This is gonna sound horrible, but it's the
only way I know you're going to get out of
this is to see the worst and work yourself through it.
See the worst and work yourself through it. What that
means is, let's say I heard you say something about
(26:35):
drug abuse. So let's say that person is strung out
or out on the streets and you know, gets beat
up or gets arrested or God forbid overdoses. How would
you feel? How would you feel? Work yourself through that
so that you can clear that out, because you're not
(26:56):
going to be able to see anything higher as long
as you're fighting against acknowledging the lower. And if you
love these people, love them enough to see them higher,
even though your eyes are looking at rock bottom. Remember
who made the rock, love them enough to see them higher.
(27:19):
I know you can do this. I know You've got
the strengthen there, and I'm calling it forward in you
right now. You're better than this, You're more than this,
and you may have to pray that prayer for a
long time, but God will meet him on the other side.
Speaker 4 (27:35):
I never thought about it that way.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
That's because you've let your control freak run them up.
Speaker 4 (27:43):
I just want it to be right.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
It is right, because that's what it is. That's what
it is right now, and it is right can it
get better? Yes? Right, these people people weren't always like this.
Is that accurate?
Speaker 4 (28:03):
That's true? Yes?
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yeah? So where is that that kept it at bay
for so long? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (28:12):
I just love them so much. I just I know
I never imagined that my own family, my closest family members,
with so many of them, would be in this state.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Well, love them enough to know that this is what
they have to go through at this time. Stop thinking
that you know where they should be, because you don't.
This is where they are and it's hard. I'm hearing
it's hard, And don't try to talk them out of it,
shame them in it. You know, it's a simple statement.
I see so much better for you, and I'm praying
(28:45):
that you get there.
Speaker 4 (28:47):
Simple If you don't mind me asking how many times
a day do you pray?
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I pray all day. I'm praying right now, prayer for you.
I don't have to stop and kneel down and go
in the corner. And I don't have to do that
because I know that every thought I think is a prayer,
every word I speak is a prayer. That's why I
(29:16):
say to you, go to the worst, work yourself through it,
and get higher because you thinking or hold trying not
to think about the worst possible outcome. That's a prayer.
That's a prayer. Every thought is a prayer. And this
is horrible, that's a prayer. You're sending that energy out.
(29:36):
Oh my god, they shouldn't be like this. That's a prayer.
And so is this is getting better. May not look
better right now, but this is shifted, this is turning around.
And I'm so grateful. And it may be hard based
on what you're looking at, but you want to send
that prayer out there too. I'm praying for you and
(29:59):
your new baby. Thank you so much that you can
take some of this energy that you're dispensing over things
you can control and turn it on your baby. And
I'm praying that you elevate that fear into love, real
true love, and know that the same creator that holds
(30:20):
you near holds them near. We don't know the good
that's on the other side of this, We just don't.
And it's hard to look at right. My brother was
cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, and after a while
I just stopped looking. I couldn't look no more. I
(30:41):
stopped looking, Wow, thinking every day he's gonna get better.
He's gonna get better. I stopped.
Speaker 4 (30:49):
And how long did it take you to get there?
Or it's just a natural thing, you just got there.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
No, he was my older brother, addicted to drugs and
alcohol from the I He was sixteen years old, and
I didn't stop looking until we were like in our forties. Wow,
but I just couldn't look no more. I couldn't look.
I told him, don't call me, don't call me. If
this is how you want to be, don't call me.
(31:15):
And that was really hard. And he didn't call for
five years.
Speaker 4 (31:19):
It's a long time. Ah, yeah, a long time, seeing
as it stands at being nervous wrecktion an entire five years.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
That's the control freak in. You have to put her
to rest, because really, what can you do? What can
you do? My brother never came to me and said,
will you help me with my addiction? Never he'd come
to me and say can I have some money? He
never said I want to stop using can you help me?
Speaker 4 (31:51):
Well, they really do, and then I guess then separating
myself from it. I used to think separating myself from it,
which just as bad as being around everyone and wishing
I could help. And I feel like what you've given
me is a medium, is a place that maybe I
can be in because it was pulling me both sides.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Yeah, and I would say again, in your prayers and
in your affirmations or in your positive mind state, whatever
you want to call it, turn it over. Acknowledge your frailty.
I know there's nothing I can do about this. I'm
turning it over to something greater than me, greater than that. Right, Okay,
(32:41):
it's gonna be okay. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay.
And don't awfulize. Don't expect the worst, because it sounds
like you're doing that too. You're traumatizing yourself.
Speaker 4 (32:53):
Yeah, I do.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
You have a frightened control freak running a mark in
your mind. Give her her name and give her something
else to do. I know what you can give her
to do. You want to give her something else to do,
Please send her to the House of Representatives in Washington.
(33:19):
Tell her to teach them how to vote for the
good of the people. Okay, let her work on that.
Speaker 4 (33:24):
Okay, send her right.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
Down to Washington, d C. And let her wrangle up
them politicians down there. Let her work on that. So
anytime you start thinking about how horrible this is in
your family. Get on the bus, Go to d C.
Go down to the House of Representative, Go into the Senate,
go somewhere, go over there and work with them people.
Leave me alone, underway. Okay, let them wrangle that up. Yeah,
(33:53):
send her, give her a name. Tell her, Betty, I
need you to go down to DC. They need you
in the Senate right now. They're trying to they trying
to make some bills. Go down there and work on them.
Leave me alone, okay, okay. Strengthen your prayers, beloved, strengthen
your prayers, and get out of the middle of it, right. Okay,
(34:17):
Thank you so so much, Thank you for your patience.
Speaker 4 (34:20):
Of course, bye bye bye.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Loving people and wanting the best for them is a
very different thing than trying to control what they do.
And sometimes when we love people and we want the
best for them, we also think that we know how
to bring their best about, and that's not always true.
(34:49):
And when we don't make the distinction between loving people
and controlling people, between wanting the best for some people
those people that we love, and trying to make it
look the way we think it should look. When we
don't make that distinction, we create unnecessary stress for ourselfs
(35:13):
and that stress will impact the relationship. Loving somebody and
controlling somebody two completely different things. And if you love somebody,
you want to see the best for them, hold the
best for them, know the best for them, without trying
(35:34):
to make it happen the way you think it's supposed
to happen. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
and if you have a question about this or any
other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now
be sure to follow me on social media for all
(35:54):
of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace
and not be seased. The R Spot is a production
of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts
from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
(36:16):
wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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