January 24, 2024 • 36 mins
In an inspirational and transformational episode, Iyanla speaks with a man whose past two marriages ended when each wife cheated on him. After, he’s internalized a lack of self-confidence and is worried that the women he loves now will cheat on him, too. Iyanla has some sage insight that helps turn his whole perspective around.
Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
instagram & twitter: @IyanlaVanzant
facebook: @DrIyanlaVanzant
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for salm and a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome to
(00:38):
the Our Spot. I am Yamla, your guide, your support,
the facilitator of a level of consciousness that will support
us in creating, recreating, building, rebuilding, growing and healing all relationships.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
In our lives.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
And today I want to focus on men again. You know,
I always talk to women about relationships. I usually deal
with women in relationships, but many women are in relationships
with men, and I think that we often don't understand them.
We don't understand them, we don't understand that they experience
(01:20):
the same thing that we do. And one of those
areas is in cheating. I've talked to hundreds, maybe even
thousands of women who are crippled and destroyed on some
level when their partner cheats on them. Well, today I'm
going to talk to a man who's had a very
(01:41):
similar experience and He's calling because he wants to know
how to do it different. Facing a new relationship, he
wants to know how to do it different. But before
we can discover that, we have to hear his story.
Take a listen, Greeting's beloved, and welcome to the our spot.
(02:07):
I am talking to men today, and I am so
excited as a woman to hear a man's point of view.
We're talking about how men recover from betrayal, from cheating
when their partners steps out on them. So I want
to know what you're bringing to the table.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
I actually had two failed marriages due to infidelity.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Their infidelity are yours?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Their infidelity both of them both both women cheating on me, Yes, ma'am.
The first one we got together, we were We dated
for five years and then we decided to get married.
We were married for five years. During that time, it
was a little rocky. We both worked in the casino.
(02:56):
I lost my job in the casino, so I had
to take a lesson John and used to say that
put a strain on our finances, and so we both
made a decision that I needed to move to a
neighboring state so I could get a better job and
during that time I would become established. She would stay
(03:20):
behind and keep her job just in case. And I
was gone for a couple of months, and during that
time that's when she actually she did on me, and
she moved to where I was. And then while we
(03:41):
were there, I ended up getting some letter that came
for her, addressed to her from a prison, and of
course I was curious. I opened it up and it
was a gentleman that was asking her has she been
taken care of that seemed to be child?
Speaker 1 (03:58):
So what wait a minute, Pumpy brakes, hold on, say
that again. She moved to where you were, You got
a letter addressed to her from a man that was
asking her about a child?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Yes, asking her had she been taken care of a
soon to be child?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Okay? Where was the child?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
That? Well? He was under impression she was pregnant. Oka,
that's the way I was reading that letter.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Yeah, with that, I just broke it off. We got
a divorce and I moved away.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Did she ever acknowledge that she had cheated?
Speaker 2 (04:33):
She did, She did after I moved away, and said
it was a moment of week and seen. But at
that time I was toosly done.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
She had a moment of weakness and she had a
physical relationship with another man and left him with the
impression that she was pregnant. So why did you Why
did you end it?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
I think when mom mind is that if you love
someone regardless of what you're going through, if you know,
no matter what you're going through in your head's face,
or any period of time, that shouldn't be a moment
of weakness to the point where you allow somebody else
(05:20):
to come in and you know, physically do anything like that.
I've never been that beak where I've allowed somebody to
come in and do it. So I just expect that
much of somebody who wants to be my partner, who
was able to walk down the aisle and take those
vials with me in front of God and said that's
(05:40):
you're going to honor our marriage and not do that.
The fact that you could just throw that away for
that momentary period of time and allow that to happen
shows me that you wasn't thinking about me and you
could allow that to happen. And if you can allow
it to happen once supposed to say, you aren't allowed
to happen again as a possibility that you won't, but
(06:03):
you did.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
I want to break that down because all of the
elements are there, but I think you're just focusing on
the sex part. Let's break this down. She did not
honor who you are as her committed partner. She didn't
honor that. She betrayed your trust. You were trusting her,
(06:26):
And not only did she betray your trust, she betrayed
your trust in a moment of your weakness, as to say,
because I had to move away to get a better job.
As soon as my back was turned, you betrayed my trust.
So this is not an honorable person. You can't trust
their word, You can't trust them with your heart. You
(06:47):
can't trust that they'll be there in a moment of weakness. Right,
and then she broke a commitment. A marriage is a commitment.
It's a commitment of mind, a body of spirit. So
this isn't about her having sex with another man. And
if he thought she was pregnant, chances are she wasn't
honest with him either. So this is about you being
(07:10):
in relationship with someone, in committed relationship with someone who
didn't honor you, who didn't respect you, who didn't respect themselves,
who didn't honor their commitment. Who didn't honor your heart,
who didn't honor your trust? That's what this is about.
Forget the sex part. Does that make sense to you? Yes,
(07:31):
So you know you just getting caught up in the
fact that she had sex with another man. But let's
look at the bigger picture. I still hear sadness in
your speaking. How you bespeak this experience. I still hear
sadness about the fact that she had sex with another
man when your back was turned. And it's so much
(07:51):
bigger than that. Okay, So you took that sadness into
another marriage. They'll tell me story number two.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
So after I moved away, I was just by myself.
I took all that and just bottled it up and
buried it and didn't address it. And a couple of
months later, maybe three or four months later, I met
my second wife and we dated for maybe three years.
(08:23):
We had a child during that time. We got married
at our second child. We were married a cold of
two years and my second child was maybe four months old,
and then I found out she TOOOTD.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
How'd you find out?
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I overheard her talking on the phone with him one night,
and I confronted her confronted her about it. It's back, yeah, completely.
I don't know she thought I was asleep or work.
But yeah, during that time, you know, I know, in
the first marriage, a lot of it I brought over with,
(09:02):
you know, the fact that I felt like sort of
a failure and the fact that I didn't provide for
my first wife enough to the point where I had
to move away. So I wanted to make sure that
that didn't happen again. So I kept a good job.
I actually worked two jobs while she was pregnant with
my first child. She was like a high risk of,
(09:22):
you know, of miscarriages, so I made sure, Like I
think it was like four and five months before she
was supposed to have our first child, I told her
to just stop working because she was having so much
difficulty with her She actually was a premier when she
was born. I actually told her four or five months
before she was born, just stopped working and I started
(09:43):
working two jobs. I was going to school to be
a nurse, and yeah, I just I was doing all that,
just trying to make sure to provide for the house
and everything. So I guess that time away really didn't
get to spend a lot of time together, so I
can admit that I played my part in some of them.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
But okay, go ahead. When you had your second maybe
what happened.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, Well, we had a second baby. She had some
postpartum depression and I was still working a lot. So
I don't know if I just wasn't there enough for her,
spent enough time to help her through it. And really,
you know, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
I want to know. Did you become a nurse? Did
you finish school? Did you do that?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Yes, ma'am?
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Okay, so are you a nurse?
Speaker 2 (10:37):
I am a nurse now, ma'am? Oh?
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Goody okay, good, that's good. I'm glad about that.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
I was on my last level of nursing where we were,
and I found out and I ended up having to
drop out of school, and I moved away, and I
took my two little girls with me. So I brought
them with me back to my home state and I
raised them while I continue going through I went back
(11:05):
to nursing school. So I continue going to school and
raising them. And now i'm an I see you nurse.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
So you were a single mom, dad. You were a
single mom dad? Okay, so you did what so many
women do. So let me ask you a question right
after the brain Welcome back to the R spot. Let's
(11:34):
pick up where we left off. If I have the
story in the second marriage correctly, you married this woman
after three years of dating. Okay, you heard her talking
to a man and you left immediately because she did
with the first one.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
No, no, okay, not immediately. We were separated, but we
lived together because we had the kids.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
It just got to a point where I just couldn't
take it anymore because she was still talking with this man,
and so I just, you know, I tried to make
it work. I tried to, you know, see if things
could change. I tried to, you know, I do all
kinds of things humiliating that you know, I can't even
(12:21):
think to talk about now. You know that I was
just willing to accept that. I was like, maybe she
would see that, you know, this is this is not
the way to be, that she wanted to be with me,
and we could make it work. And it just wasn't happening.
And I realized she was still talking to him, and
finally that was it. I finally, after like maybe a
(12:43):
month and a half, I just had to leave and
I had to go because.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
I really am concerned about the sadness you carrying in
your voice. After the first breakdown of your first marriage,
took the anger and the sadness and the self doubt,
the self incrimination. You took that with you. So when
you met and married the second woman, that's where you
were vibrating. So you had to attract someone that was
(13:12):
going to reinforce the anger, the self incrimination, and the
self doubt. Because we never can live beyond our belief.
So you believed somehow that they're because you had to move,
you had to change jobs, you weren't living up to
whatever whatever you believe that that's what caused the cheating.
(13:33):
Because I'm hearing in your speaking that you value yourself
by what you do and what you bring into the relationship,
not because of who you are, not because you're a
good hearted man who would raise his two children. You
don't value yourself for that. You value yourself for what
you do, how much money you have, and what you
(13:54):
bring to the table. Can you see that that's old school?
Speaker 2 (14:00):
But I mean, isn't that's the role of a man
to provide, to protect.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
To be the perform and to please. Yeah, the four
piece of manhood. But all of those things beloved have
to be predicated on who he believes himself to be.
Who am I as a man? Do I deserve to
be respected? Do I respect myself? Do I deserve to
(14:27):
be honored? Do I honor myself? Do I deserve? Am
I honest? Am I in integrity? He's got to provide, protect, perform,
and please from a strong sense of self. And what
I'm hearing you say is your sense of self came
from what you do, not from who you are a
(14:48):
man who's raising two kids and finishes nursing school. Do
you know who you are? I think I do so well.
You may know now, but obviously you din know back then,
otherwise you would not be talking to me. And you
still have the sadness. What is the sadness about?
Speaker 2 (15:10):
I've been single for nine years and I've had some relationships,
you know, nothing, nothing major. It's just some off and
on type of minor things. But I recently recently found
somebody who I really I'm really liking, I'm really enjoying
(15:31):
spending time with, and I'm opening up and just telling
her everything about me. And it seems like the more
opening up and the closer we're getting the more I'm
feeling like I need to hold on tighter.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Well, you're afraid you're gonna make the same mistake again,
and that's what we're gonna avoid. We're gonna clean that
up right now. Okay, okay, okay, because if you continue
to vibrate in that sadness, afraid that you're gonna make
the same mistake again, not knowing what you did the
first time to cause these two women that you worked
and tried to prove how valuable and worthy you were
(16:14):
and that caused them to go cheat on you. If
you hold that vibration, you are gonna make the same
mistake again. You have to be present in this relation. Okay, okay,
So we're gonna clean it up. You want to clean
it up.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
That's my biggest thing. I don't understand what happened, and
I'll stop it.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
I'm not gonna let you go into that because you're
gonna beat yourself up because of everything that you did.
And you want to know why what you did wasn't enough.
It's because you didn't think that who you are is enough.
And when they saw who you are, when they saw
who you are as a gentle, loving spirit as a quiet,
(16:58):
hard working man. When they saw who you were, they
changed their mind uh huhnt that ain't what I want
mm mmm. And they had nothing to do with you.
They wanted you for what you had, not for who
you are. And I'm hearing you say, in this new relationship,
you're showing up as who you are, shattered but not broken,
(17:20):
with a history, that you're willing to create a different future.
They changed their minds, beloved, It's just that simple. And
because you didn't know who you were at the time,
you didn't know who they were. You didn't know who
they were. You thought they were one thing and they
were something else. Because you thought you were one thing,
(17:41):
you thought you were what you do, not who you are.
Take a breath. Take a breath, because I can hear
your heart shattering. I hear it, I feel it. You
didn't do anything wrong. What you did was put all
in your value and worth and what you could do,
(18:03):
not who you are.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
It's that.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
You've been carrying that too long. Tell me what's going on,
Tell me what's going on. And I'm not gonna leave you.
I'm gonna sit right here with you. Let's work it out.
Come on.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
All those questions, Oh, why what did I do wrong?
Mm hmmm y'all mm hmm, Yeah, I just just flooded back.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Now you didn't do anything wrong?
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Yeah, too, beautiful girls, we weren't happy. I thought we
weren't happy.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Beloved. You don't want a woman who just wants you
for what you can do. You don't want a woman
that just wants you for what you have. You don't
want that. And that's what you were showing them. You
were showing them what you could do. So the minute
you couldn't do anymore, they didn't value who you were.
They didn't understand that beneath your doing there was a
(19:12):
man of a good heart, with integrity, a man who
is trying to live into his four p's, his provide
his protective perform and its pleased. They didn't see that.
And there are women, unfortunately, because of their own history,
that want a man for what he brings, not for
(19:33):
who he is. You didn't do anything wrong. You just
meant misread them, and they misread you. So the minute
that they couldn't get what they want. You know how
that happens. Let me tell you how that happens. It
happens very often when a woman is separated from her father,
you know, either through divorce or him the parents don't
(19:55):
live together, and daddy shows up on the weekend with
popcor and a pretty dress, and he gives her some money,
and then he's gone for another three weeks and then
he comes back. It's what they call a Disneyland dad.
So women grow into the experience that I can value
a man based on what he can give me, not
(20:16):
on based on who he is. And maybe those women
you married had that history. You don't have nothing to
do with you. Your mistake was living into their fantasy that
a man is only as good as what he gives.
Can you hear me?
Speaker 2 (20:35):
Yes? Man?
Speaker 1 (20:36):
And they changed their mind. They said, Okay, he ain't
given me what I want. I want that no more.
Let me go get somebody that can give me what
I want. And I don't know any of this to
be true. I'm just assessing based on what you're telling me,
because I'm talking to you, not them. But here's what
I know. Here's what I know. Sure as I'm black
and old and i'm both, and oh okay. A man
(21:04):
who would raise two of his daughters, a man who
would take two of his girl offspring from their mother
is a man of high quality. How old are you?
I'll marry you? What you? What you?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (21:17):
And you're a nurse too? Where you live?
Speaker 2 (21:20):
What you?
Speaker 1 (21:21):
How old you is? Come on, I'll take care, I
can cook, I clean.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Fifty one?
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Oh god, you're younger than my son. I don't think
he would appreciate me bringing you home. Oh my god.
You didn't do anything wrong belove him except not stand
up fully in the truth of who you are. A
(21:54):
good man, an honorable man, a respectable man, a man
of high integrity. Yeah, but you valued yourself based on
what you do, not on who you are. That's the
only mistake you made. And so you attracted women who
were enticed what you're doing because you talked about your
(22:17):
jobs and moving away for a job and boo woo boo. No. No.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
So, with this current situation, what do I need to
do to make sure I don't mess this up or
find myself to showing my insecurity.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
The first thing you have to do is stop thinking
that you messed up the other marriages that's the first
thing you got to do that.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Yeah, forgive yourself for thinking that you're the failure of
your marriages were your fault. Let's let's do that. I
want to hear you say that, I forgive myself for believing.
Say that for me.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
I forgive myself for believing.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
That the end of my first two marriages.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
At the end of the first my first two marriages.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Was my fault.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Was my fault.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
What do you feel when you say that? What do
you feel?
Speaker 2 (23:24):
Your relief? They're better?
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Okay, repeat this for me. I forgive myself for believing
there was something I could have done to save my
first two marriages.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
I forgive myself for believing there was something I could
have done, say my first two marriages.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
Yeah, take a breath. You believe that. So say this
for me. I am enough, I am enough. I am enough.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
I am enough.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Yeah yeah, just as I am.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
I am enough, Just as I am I am enough.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Yeah. So what I want you to do now? You said,
what do you need to do? I want you to
straighten your spine. Straighten your spine, because I can almost
see you hunched over. I want you to straighten your spine.
Come on, sit up. I want you to take a breath. Now,
(24:29):
this is gonna sound this is gonna sound weird, and
I'm not being dirty or inappropriate. I want to get
some energy moving in your body. Okay, So I want
you let's say if you had to urinate and you
couldn't go, you know how you would tighten up your
people down there? You know well what I'm talking about,
the three people. Tighten them up, Tighten them up. Straighten
(24:52):
your spine, and now say just as I am, I
am enough, tighten them up?
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Am I am enough?
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Wow? Look at that?
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Yeah, you felt that, didn't you? You tighten them people up?
You straighten your smiling up and tighten up your people. Yeah,
she getting a prized She better. I'll tell you if
you was a few, if you had another two years,
i'd bring you home. I can't bring you home though
(25:25):
you're too young. You're younger than my son.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
I can't.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
I can't do it. I need me a nurse at
my age you could take care of You could give
me my meds and everything. Yeah listen, now I'm being practical.
So beloved, you didn't do anything wrong. You just you've
(25:49):
been valuing and measuring yourself based on what you do,
not on who you are. So listen, don't be don't
dump all of that stuff in that woman's lap. You
understand that she don't. Don't do that. Here's what's your vision?
What is your vision for your next relationship? That's what
(26:11):
I want you to know when you see yourself? Can
you see yourself with this woman until you take your
last brother?
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Yes, ma'am, I can't. I definitely can.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
So ask her, ask her, can you see yourself with
me until you take your last breath? The last thing
you see when you're getting ready to leave your body
is my face? Can ask her if she can see that? Okay?
And then what is your vision for this relationship? You've
raised your daughters? How old are they now?
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Oldest is I'm seventeen. She's about to graduate high school.
And my young Oh.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Daddy, I'm so proud of you. Wait a minute, let
me just do this for a minute. I am so
proud of you, daddy.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Dude.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
How many seventeen year old girls are pregnant because they
didn't have no daddy in their life? Yes, ma'am, you
got a seventeen year old black woman. You'd raise somebody's
mother and somebody's wife. That's what you did, daddy.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Good.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Yeah, okay, So what is your vision for your relationship
with this woman?
Speaker 2 (27:23):
I see its being happy and married, taking trips.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
Okay, where you're going, Where you're going? Which trip? Where
you want to go?
Speaker 2 (27:32):
I want to take it to Egypt?
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Yes, yes, that came up in my mind. I love it.
Does she want to go to Egypt?
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Yes, ma'am, she does.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Okay, you're gonna fly and do a tour, or you're
going to do a cruise.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
We're gonna fly.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Actually, so you know what, you buy the plane ticket,
you let her pay for the hotel. Don't try to
do it all.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
No, really, no, no.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
Or you'll going together. I'm trying to keep you from
doing the same mistakes, which is valuing yourself based on
what you do. I don't want you three years from
now to say, oh, I took her to Egypt. I
bought the plane ticket. Y'all got to do it together.
I say, if I do the plane tickets, are you
willing to find the hotels? Even if we go half
(28:20):
on it? If she's a good woman, she'll do that. Okay,
Because this is about y'all. The two of you your
vision together, not what you bring to the table. Can
you hear me, Yes, ma'am, and stop telling her all
your brokenness. That's enough of that.
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
All you have to do is say, I recognize the
mistakes I made. I'm not doing that again. And you
can even tell her in a nice way. My marriages
failed because I let them believe I was only worth
what I could do, not who I am. I'm not
gonna make that mistake again. You know, you start sending
her little clues so she don't get confused.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
In my life. She actually went to one of your
retreats and actually was the one who told me about
you and your podcast and gave me a number so
I can call you. She also mentioned that you're going
to have another retreat for the men YEAP next year,
and I wanted to ask you about that, yeah, and
(29:22):
try to get some information about that, because.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
I want Reclaiming the Male Spirit up from here. You
can go get that book right now up from here.
But it's going to be a nine week training process
and then we're going to come together for four days,
So you make sure you get on my mailing list.
But in the meantime you can go read up from here,
and it talks about some of the common mistakes men
(29:45):
make and the situations that they find themselves in and
how they can lift themselves up. I like her. If
she wanted mine, she good, and if she go wrong,
you just send her back to me. I'll fix up
for you.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
She told me about the experience and how y'all y'all
kind of bond did it. She got a chance to
speak with you, and she got her name and everything,
and yeah, you really left an impact on it.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
She did write some passage. She must have done right
the passage. She just did it recently.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Okay, so she's a rite of passage lady. She gonna
buck if you say that. She got to pay for
the hotel, So thank you for sharing that information.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
You about to make me do something crazy message?
Speaker 1 (30:37):
Yeah no, okay, Well then don't ask her. But because
if she did write some passage, I know she got
a solid foundation. So you're gonna have to pay for
the plane tickets in the hotel. But let her find
it and let her pick whatever it is that she wants,
and then let her find the hotel or the tour
or whatever, and then you know, let her, invite her
(30:59):
to tell you what she needs, and then you pay
for it. My thing is let her participate. You don't
just do it all. I don't want her to measure
you based on who you know what you do? Start
making everything participatory, all right, it's man ha ha. And
so listen, when those ugly thoughts come back, Why did
(31:22):
this happen? Why can't I do this? You pull up
your people, pull them up, straighten your spine, and simply say,
I forgive myself for believing I did anything wrong. That's
all you need to do. And you're going to start
dispensing that energy out because see, you, believing you did
something wrong makes you feel inadequate as a man, and
(31:45):
as a man, in adequacy is kryptonite. It'll poison you,
it'll kill you. So the reason you pull your people
up because that's the symbol of your manhood, and then
in that manhood you give yourself the grace of forgiveness. Yeah,
it's scientific, it works. You feel better? Right?
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Yes? Man?
Speaker 1 (32:09):
Okay, tell me something you know now that you didn't
know when you call.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
I know that I am ah.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Yes, what else I know?
Speaker 2 (32:21):
I didn't do anything wrong? Yes, I know that I
am a good man.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
Yeah yeah, yeah, And baby, that doesn't mean everything's gonna
be smooth sailing because we're humans, and humans are a
hard are crazy as hell, and relationships are one of
the hardest things that we can do. But if you
have integrity and if you're honest, and if you're honorable,
it'll work out. And when you're vibrating in a different place,
(32:48):
I don't hear you vibrating in sadness anymore. You know,
you still look got a little wobble in there, but
it'll get different as as you do it different. Man,
My work here is done.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Ah, thank you so much. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Okay, my love, and and I want to see you
at up from here, go get that book up from here.
And then I want to see you this July at
the Men's Retreat and we're gonna get it all solidified
because you will be shocked, horrified and excited at how
many men are standing right where you're standing.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
You will definitely see me.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
Thank you for calling, Thank you for trusting me with
your heart. Thank you for being a male nurse. Thank
you for that. Because so many men go into health
care facilities and they're so demoralized by the fact that
they're always surrounded by women. Thank you for that. Thank
you for that service to humanity. And thank you for
(33:44):
raising somebody's wife and somebody's future wife and future mother.
Thank you for that. Thank you. I'm just so excited
about you. I don't even know what to do with myself.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
Ah, I'm excited about this call. I thank you so
much for all you've done for me.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
I thank you for trusting yourself enough to call. How
about that? Yes, man, Okay, you have a blessed and
wonderful day.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
My love be blessed.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
Bye bye, bye bye. A broken heart based on betrayal,
based on giving your all to a relationship and not
having it returned, only to have your partner look you
in your face and lie to you about them being
with somebody else. Yes, ladies, it happens to men two
(34:40):
and it leaves them as cripple, wounded and devastated as
it leaves us. I think one of the most sacred
and powerful things any man can do is to open himself,
allow himself to be vulnerable. Crying is simply the way
(35:05):
that the heart expresses itself when there are no words
for men or for women, for men or for women
when the heart is open and vulnerable and saw there
are no words, and the result of that is tears.
(35:26):
I heard my guests tears, but I didn't want to
run the risk of bringing guilt or shame or embarrassment
about allowing himself to be vulnerable. That's the R Spot
for today. Thank you for tuning in. In the meantime,
(35:48):
stay in peace and not pieces. I'll see you next time.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
Bye.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
The R Spot is a production of Shana Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for salm and a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome to
(00:38):
the Our Spot. I am Yamla, your guide, your support,
the facilitator of a level of consciousness that will support
us in creating, recreating, building, rebuilding, growing and healing all relationships.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
In our lives.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
And today I want to focus on men again. You know,
I always talk to women about relationships. I usually deal
with women in relationships, but many women are in relationships
with men, and I think that we often don't understand them.
We don't understand them, we don't understand that they experience
(01:20):
the same thing that we do. And one of those
areas is in cheating. I've talked to hundreds, maybe even
thousands of women who are crippled and destroyed on some
level when their partner cheats on them. Well, today I'm
going to talk to a man who's had a very
(01:41):
similar experience and He's calling because he wants to know
how to do it different. Facing a new relationship, he
wants to know how to do it different. But before
we can discover that, we have to hear his story.
Take a listen, Greeting's beloved, and welcome to the our spot.
(02:07):
I am talking to men today, and I am so
excited as a woman to hear a man's point of view.
We're talking about how men recover from betrayal, from cheating
when their partners steps out on them. So I want
to know what you're bringing to the table.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
I actually had two failed marriages due to infidelity.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Their infidelity are yours?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Their infidelity both of them both both women cheating on me, Yes, ma'am.
The first one we got together, we were We dated
for five years and then we decided to get married.
We were married for five years. During that time, it
was a little rocky. We both worked in the casino.
(02:56):
I lost my job in the casino, so I had
to take a lesson John and used to say that
put a strain on our finances, and so we both
made a decision that I needed to move to a
neighboring state so I could get a better job and
during that time I would become established. She would stay
(03:20):
behind and keep her job just in case. And I
was gone for a couple of months, and during that
time that's when she actually she did on me, and
she moved to where I was. And then while we
(03:41):
were there, I ended up getting some letter that came
for her, addressed to her from a prison, and of
course I was curious. I opened it up and it
was a gentleman that was asking her has she been
taken care of that seemed to be child?
Speaker 1 (03:58):
So what wait a minute, Pumpy brakes, hold on, say
that again. She moved to where you were, You got
a letter addressed to her from a man that was
asking her about a child?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Yes, asking her had she been taken care of a
soon to be child?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Okay? Where was the child?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
That? Well? He was under impression she was pregnant. Oka,
that's the way I was reading that letter.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Yeah, with that, I just broke it off. We got
a divorce and I moved away.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Did she ever acknowledge that she had cheated?
Speaker 2 (04:33):
She did, She did after I moved away, and said
it was a moment of week and seen. But at
that time I was toosly done.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
She had a moment of weakness and she had a
physical relationship with another man and left him with the
impression that she was pregnant. So why did you Why
did you end it?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
I think when mom mind is that if you love
someone regardless of what you're going through, if you know,
no matter what you're going through in your head's face,
or any period of time, that shouldn't be a moment
of weakness to the point where you allow somebody else
(05:20):
to come in and you know, physically do anything like that.
I've never been that beak where I've allowed somebody to
come in and do it. So I just expect that
much of somebody who wants to be my partner, who
was able to walk down the aisle and take those
vials with me in front of God and said that's
(05:40):
you're going to honor our marriage and not do that.
The fact that you could just throw that away for
that momentary period of time and allow that to happen
shows me that you wasn't thinking about me and you
could allow that to happen. And if you can allow
it to happen once supposed to say, you aren't allowed
to happen again as a possibility that you won't, but
(06:03):
you did.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
I want to break that down because all of the
elements are there, but I think you're just focusing on
the sex part. Let's break this down. She did not
honor who you are as her committed partner. She didn't
honor that. She betrayed your trust. You were trusting her,
(06:26):
And not only did she betray your trust, she betrayed
your trust in a moment of your weakness, as to say,
because I had to move away to get a better job.
As soon as my back was turned, you betrayed my trust.
So this is not an honorable person. You can't trust
their word, You can't trust them with your heart. You
(06:47):
can't trust that they'll be there in a moment of weakness. Right,
and then she broke a commitment. A marriage is a commitment.
It's a commitment of mind, a body of spirit. So
this isn't about her having sex with another man. And
if he thought she was pregnant, chances are she wasn't
honest with him either. So this is about you being
(07:10):
in relationship with someone, in committed relationship with someone who
didn't honor you, who didn't respect you, who didn't respect themselves,
who didn't honor their commitment. Who didn't honor your heart,
who didn't honor your trust? That's what this is about.
Forget the sex part. Does that make sense to you? Yes,
(07:31):
So you know you just getting caught up in the
fact that she had sex with another man. But let's
look at the bigger picture. I still hear sadness in
your speaking. How you bespeak this experience. I still hear
sadness about the fact that she had sex with another
man when your back was turned. And it's so much
(07:51):
bigger than that. Okay, So you took that sadness into
another marriage. They'll tell me story number two.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
So after I moved away, I was just by myself.
I took all that and just bottled it up and
buried it and didn't address it. And a couple of
months later, maybe three or four months later, I met
my second wife and we dated for maybe three years.
(08:23):
We had a child during that time. We got married
at our second child. We were married a cold of
two years and my second child was maybe four months old,
and then I found out she TOOOTD.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
How'd you find out?
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I overheard her talking on the phone with him one night,
and I confronted her confronted her about it. It's back, yeah, completely.
I don't know she thought I was asleep or work.
But yeah, during that time, you know, I know, in
the first marriage, a lot of it I brought over with,
(09:02):
you know, the fact that I felt like sort of
a failure and the fact that I didn't provide for
my first wife enough to the point where I had
to move away. So I wanted to make sure that
that didn't happen again. So I kept a good job.
I actually worked two jobs while she was pregnant with
my first child. She was like a high risk of,
(09:22):
you know, of miscarriages, so I made sure, Like I
think it was like four and five months before she
was supposed to have our first child, I told her
to just stop working because she was having so much
difficulty with her She actually was a premier when she
was born. I actually told her four or five months
before she was born, just stopped working and I started
(09:43):
working two jobs. I was going to school to be
a nurse, and yeah, I just I was doing all that,
just trying to make sure to provide for the house
and everything. So I guess that time away really didn't
get to spend a lot of time together, so I
can admit that I played my part in some of them.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
But okay, go ahead. When you had your second maybe
what happened.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, Well, we had a second baby. She had some
postpartum depression and I was still working a lot. So
I don't know if I just wasn't there enough for her,
spent enough time to help her through it. And really,
you know, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
I want to know. Did you become a nurse? Did
you finish school? Did you do that?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Yes, ma'am?
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Okay, so are you a nurse?
Speaker 2 (10:37):
I am a nurse now, ma'am? Oh?
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Goody okay, good, that's good. I'm glad about that.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
I was on my last level of nursing where we were,
and I found out and I ended up having to
drop out of school, and I moved away, and I
took my two little girls with me. So I brought
them with me back to my home state and I
raised them while I continue going through I went back
(11:05):
to nursing school. So I continue going to school and
raising them. And now i'm an I see you nurse.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
So you were a single mom, dad. You were a
single mom dad? Okay, so you did what so many
women do. So let me ask you a question right
after the brain Welcome back to the R spot. Let's
(11:34):
pick up where we left off. If I have the
story in the second marriage correctly, you married this woman
after three years of dating. Okay, you heard her talking
to a man and you left immediately because she did
with the first one.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
No, no, okay, not immediately. We were separated, but we
lived together because we had the kids.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
It just got to a point where I just couldn't
take it anymore because she was still talking with this man,
and so I just, you know, I tried to make
it work. I tried to, you know, see if things
could change. I tried to, you know, I do all
kinds of things humiliating that you know, I can't even
(12:21):
think to talk about now. You know that I was
just willing to accept that. I was like, maybe she
would see that, you know, this is this is not
the way to be, that she wanted to be with me,
and we could make it work. And it just wasn't happening.
And I realized she was still talking to him, and
finally that was it. I finally, after like maybe a
(12:43):
month and a half, I just had to leave and
I had to go because.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
I really am concerned about the sadness you carrying in
your voice. After the first breakdown of your first marriage,
took the anger and the sadness and the self doubt,
the self incrimination. You took that with you. So when
you met and married the second woman, that's where you
were vibrating. So you had to attract someone that was
(13:12):
going to reinforce the anger, the self incrimination, and the
self doubt. Because we never can live beyond our belief.
So you believed somehow that they're because you had to move,
you had to change jobs, you weren't living up to
whatever whatever you believe that that's what caused the cheating.
(13:33):
Because I'm hearing in your speaking that you value yourself
by what you do and what you bring into the relationship,
not because of who you are, not because you're a
good hearted man who would raise his two children. You
don't value yourself for that. You value yourself for what
you do, how much money you have, and what you
(13:54):
bring to the table. Can you see that that's old school?
Speaker 2 (14:00):
But I mean, isn't that's the role of a man
to provide, to protect.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
To be the perform and to please. Yeah, the four
piece of manhood. But all of those things beloved have
to be predicated on who he believes himself to be.
Who am I as a man? Do I deserve to
be respected? Do I respect myself? Do I deserve to
(14:27):
be honored? Do I honor myself? Do I deserve? Am
I honest? Am I in integrity? He's got to provide, protect, perform,
and please from a strong sense of self. And what
I'm hearing you say is your sense of self came
from what you do, not from who you are a
(14:48):
man who's raising two kids and finishes nursing school. Do
you know who you are? I think I do so well.
You may know now, but obviously you din know back then,
otherwise you would not be talking to me. And you
still have the sadness. What is the sadness about?
Speaker 2 (15:10):
I've been single for nine years and I've had some relationships,
you know, nothing, nothing major. It's just some off and
on type of minor things. But I recently recently found
somebody who I really I'm really liking, I'm really enjoying
(15:31):
spending time with, and I'm opening up and just telling
her everything about me. And it seems like the more
opening up and the closer we're getting the more I'm
feeling like I need to hold on tighter.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Well, you're afraid you're gonna make the same mistake again,
and that's what we're gonna avoid. We're gonna clean that
up right now. Okay, okay, okay, because if you continue
to vibrate in that sadness, afraid that you're gonna make
the same mistake again, not knowing what you did the
first time to cause these two women that you worked
and tried to prove how valuable and worthy you were
(16:14):
and that caused them to go cheat on you. If
you hold that vibration, you are gonna make the same
mistake again. You have to be present in this relation. Okay, okay,
So we're gonna clean it up. You want to clean
it up.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
That's my biggest thing. I don't understand what happened, and
I'll stop it.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
I'm not gonna let you go into that because you're
gonna beat yourself up because of everything that you did.
And you want to know why what you did wasn't enough.
It's because you didn't think that who you are is enough.
And when they saw who you are, when they saw
who you are as a gentle, loving spirit as a quiet,
(16:58):
hard working man. When they saw who you were, they
changed their mind uh huhnt that ain't what I want
mm mmm. And they had nothing to do with you.
They wanted you for what you had, not for who
you are. And I'm hearing you say, in this new relationship,
you're showing up as who you are, shattered but not broken,
(17:20):
with a history, that you're willing to create a different future.
They changed their minds, beloved, It's just that simple. And
because you didn't know who you were at the time,
you didn't know who they were. You didn't know who
they were. You thought they were one thing and they
were something else. Because you thought you were one thing,
(17:41):
you thought you were what you do, not who you are.
Take a breath. Take a breath, because I can hear
your heart shattering. I hear it, I feel it. You
didn't do anything wrong. What you did was put all
in your value and worth and what you could do,
(18:03):
not who you are.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
It's that.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
You've been carrying that too long. Tell me what's going on,
Tell me what's going on. And I'm not gonna leave you.
I'm gonna sit right here with you. Let's work it out.
Come on.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
All those questions, Oh, why what did I do wrong?
Mm hmmm y'all mm hmm, Yeah, I just just flooded back.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Now you didn't do anything wrong?
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Yeah, too, beautiful girls, we weren't happy. I thought we
weren't happy.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Beloved. You don't want a woman who just wants you
for what you can do. You don't want a woman
that just wants you for what you have. You don't
want that. And that's what you were showing them. You
were showing them what you could do. So the minute
you couldn't do anymore, they didn't value who you were.
They didn't understand that beneath your doing there was a
(19:12):
man of a good heart, with integrity, a man who
is trying to live into his four p's, his provide
his protective perform and its pleased. They didn't see that.
And there are women, unfortunately, because of their own history,
that want a man for what he brings, not for
(19:33):
who he is. You didn't do anything wrong. You just
meant misread them, and they misread you. So the minute
that they couldn't get what they want. You know how
that happens. Let me tell you how that happens. It
happens very often when a woman is separated from her father,
you know, either through divorce or him the parents don't
(19:55):
live together, and daddy shows up on the weekend with
popcor and a pretty dress, and he gives her some money,
and then he's gone for another three weeks and then
he comes back. It's what they call a Disneyland dad.
So women grow into the experience that I can value
a man based on what he can give me, not
(20:16):
on based on who he is. And maybe those women
you married had that history. You don't have nothing to
do with you. Your mistake was living into their fantasy that
a man is only as good as what he gives.
Can you hear me?
Speaker 2 (20:35):
Yes? Man?
Speaker 1 (20:36):
And they changed their mind. They said, Okay, he ain't
given me what I want. I want that no more.
Let me go get somebody that can give me what
I want. And I don't know any of this to
be true. I'm just assessing based on what you're telling me,
because I'm talking to you, not them. But here's what
I know. Here's what I know. Sure as I'm black
and old and i'm both, and oh okay. A man
(21:04):
who would raise two of his daughters, a man who
would take two of his girl offspring from their mother
is a man of high quality. How old are you?
I'll marry you? What you? What you?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (21:17):
And you're a nurse too? Where you live?
Speaker 2 (21:20):
What you?
Speaker 1 (21:21):
How old you is? Come on, I'll take care, I
can cook, I clean.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Fifty one?
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Oh god, you're younger than my son. I don't think
he would appreciate me bringing you home. Oh my god.
You didn't do anything wrong belove him except not stand
up fully in the truth of who you are. A
(21:54):
good man, an honorable man, a respectable man, a man
of high integrity. Yeah, but you valued yourself based on
what you do, not on who you are. That's the
only mistake you made. And so you attracted women who
were enticed what you're doing because you talked about your
(22:17):
jobs and moving away for a job and boo woo boo. No. No.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
So, with this current situation, what do I need to
do to make sure I don't mess this up or
find myself to showing my insecurity.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
The first thing you have to do is stop thinking
that you messed up the other marriages that's the first
thing you got to do that.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Yeah, forgive yourself for thinking that you're the failure of
your marriages were your fault. Let's let's do that. I
want to hear you say that, I forgive myself for believing.
Say that for me.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
I forgive myself for believing.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
That the end of my first two marriages.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
At the end of the first my first two marriages.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Was my fault.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Was my fault.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
What do you feel when you say that? What do
you feel?
Speaker 2 (23:24):
Your relief? They're better?
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Okay, repeat this for me. I forgive myself for believing
there was something I could have done to save my
first two marriages.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
I forgive myself for believing there was something I could
have done, say my first two marriages.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
Yeah, take a breath. You believe that. So say this
for me. I am enough, I am enough. I am enough.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
I am enough.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Yeah yeah, just as I am.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
I am enough, Just as I am I am enough.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Yeah. So what I want you to do now? You said,
what do you need to do? I want you to
straighten your spine. Straighten your spine, because I can almost
see you hunched over. I want you to straighten your spine.
Come on, sit up. I want you to take a breath. Now,
(24:29):
this is gonna sound this is gonna sound weird, and
I'm not being dirty or inappropriate. I want to get
some energy moving in your body. Okay, So I want
you let's say if you had to urinate and you
couldn't go, you know how you would tighten up your
people down there? You know well what I'm talking about,
the three people. Tighten them up, Tighten them up. Straighten
(24:52):
your spine, and now say just as I am, I
am enough, tighten them up?
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Am I am enough?
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Wow? Look at that?
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Yeah, you felt that, didn't you? You tighten them people up?
You straighten your smiling up and tighten up your people. Yeah,
she getting a prized She better. I'll tell you if
you was a few, if you had another two years,
i'd bring you home. I can't bring you home though
(25:25):
you're too young. You're younger than my son.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
I can't.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
I can't do it. I need me a nurse at
my age you could take care of You could give
me my meds and everything. Yeah listen, now I'm being practical.
So beloved, you didn't do anything wrong. You just you've
(25:49):
been valuing and measuring yourself based on what you do,
not on who you are. So listen, don't be don't
dump all of that stuff in that woman's lap. You
understand that she don't. Don't do that. Here's what's your vision?
What is your vision for your next relationship? That's what
(26:11):
I want you to know when you see yourself? Can
you see yourself with this woman until you take your
last brother?
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Yes, ma'am, I can't. I definitely can.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
So ask her, ask her, can you see yourself with
me until you take your last breath? The last thing
you see when you're getting ready to leave your body
is my face? Can ask her if she can see that? Okay?
And then what is your vision for this relationship? You've
raised your daughters? How old are they now?
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Oldest is I'm seventeen. She's about to graduate high school.
And my young Oh.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Daddy, I'm so proud of you. Wait a minute, let
me just do this for a minute. I am so
proud of you, daddy.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Dude.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
How many seventeen year old girls are pregnant because they
didn't have no daddy in their life? Yes, ma'am, you
got a seventeen year old black woman. You'd raise somebody's
mother and somebody's wife. That's what you did, daddy.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Good.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Yeah, okay, So what is your vision for your relationship
with this woman?
Speaker 2 (27:23):
I see its being happy and married, taking trips.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
Okay, where you're going, Where you're going? Which trip? Where
you want to go?
Speaker 2 (27:32):
I want to take it to Egypt?
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Yes, yes, that came up in my mind. I love it.
Does she want to go to Egypt?
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Yes, ma'am, she does.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Okay, you're gonna fly and do a tour, or you're
going to do a cruise.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
We're gonna fly.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Actually, so you know what, you buy the plane ticket,
you let her pay for the hotel. Don't try to
do it all.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
No, really, no, no.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
Or you'll going together. I'm trying to keep you from
doing the same mistakes, which is valuing yourself based on
what you do. I don't want you three years from
now to say, oh, I took her to Egypt. I
bought the plane ticket. Y'all got to do it together.
I say, if I do the plane tickets, are you
willing to find the hotels? Even if we go half
(28:20):
on it? If she's a good woman, she'll do that. Okay,
Because this is about y'all. The two of you your
vision together, not what you bring to the table. Can
you hear me, Yes, ma'am, and stop telling her all
your brokenness. That's enough of that.
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
All you have to do is say, I recognize the
mistakes I made. I'm not doing that again. And you
can even tell her in a nice way. My marriages
failed because I let them believe I was only worth
what I could do, not who I am. I'm not
gonna make that mistake again. You know, you start sending
her little clues so she don't get confused.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
In my life. She actually went to one of your
retreats and actually was the one who told me about
you and your podcast and gave me a number so
I can call you. She also mentioned that you're going
to have another retreat for the men YEAP next year,
and I wanted to ask you about that, yeah, and
(29:22):
try to get some information about that, because.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
I want Reclaiming the Male Spirit up from here. You
can go get that book right now up from here.
But it's going to be a nine week training process
and then we're going to come together for four days,
So you make sure you get on my mailing list.
But in the meantime you can go read up from here,
and it talks about some of the common mistakes men
(29:45):
make and the situations that they find themselves in and
how they can lift themselves up. I like her. If
she wanted mine, she good, and if she go wrong,
you just send her back to me. I'll fix up
for you.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
She told me about the experience and how y'all y'all
kind of bond did it. She got a chance to
speak with you, and she got her name and everything,
and yeah, you really left an impact on it.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
She did write some passage. She must have done right
the passage. She just did it recently.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Okay, so she's a rite of passage lady. She gonna
buck if you say that. She got to pay for
the hotel, So thank you for sharing that information.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
You about to make me do something crazy message?
Speaker 1 (30:37):
Yeah no, okay, Well then don't ask her. But because
if she did write some passage, I know she got
a solid foundation. So you're gonna have to pay for
the plane tickets in the hotel. But let her find
it and let her pick whatever it is that she wants,
and then let her find the hotel or the tour
or whatever, and then you know, let her, invite her
(30:59):
to tell you what she needs, and then you pay
for it. My thing is let her participate. You don't
just do it all. I don't want her to measure
you based on who you know what you do? Start
making everything participatory, all right, it's man ha ha. And
so listen, when those ugly thoughts come back, Why did
(31:22):
this happen? Why can't I do this? You pull up
your people, pull them up, straighten your spine, and simply say,
I forgive myself for believing I did anything wrong. That's
all you need to do. And you're going to start
dispensing that energy out because see, you, believing you did
something wrong makes you feel inadequate as a man, and
(31:45):
as a man, in adequacy is kryptonite. It'll poison you,
it'll kill you. So the reason you pull your people
up because that's the symbol of your manhood, and then
in that manhood you give yourself the grace of forgiveness. Yeah,
it's scientific, it works. You feel better? Right?
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Yes? Man?
Speaker 1 (32:09):
Okay, tell me something you know now that you didn't
know when you call.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
I know that I am ah.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Yes, what else I know?
Speaker 2 (32:21):
I didn't do anything wrong? Yes, I know that I
am a good man.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
Yeah yeah, yeah, And baby, that doesn't mean everything's gonna
be smooth sailing because we're humans, and humans are a
hard are crazy as hell, and relationships are one of
the hardest things that we can do. But if you
have integrity and if you're honest, and if you're honorable,
it'll work out. And when you're vibrating in a different place,
(32:48):
I don't hear you vibrating in sadness anymore. You know,
you still look got a little wobble in there, but
it'll get different as as you do it different. Man,
My work here is done.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Ah, thank you so much. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Okay, my love, and and I want to see you
at up from here, go get that book up from here.
And then I want to see you this July at
the Men's Retreat and we're gonna get it all solidified
because you will be shocked, horrified and excited at how
many men are standing right where you're standing.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
You will definitely see me.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
Thank you for calling, Thank you for trusting me with
your heart. Thank you for being a male nurse. Thank
you for that. Because so many men go into health
care facilities and they're so demoralized by the fact that
they're always surrounded by women. Thank you for that. Thank
you for that service to humanity. And thank you for
(33:44):
raising somebody's wife and somebody's future wife and future mother.
Thank you for that. Thank you. I'm just so excited
about you. I don't even know what to do with myself.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
Ah, I'm excited about this call. I thank you so
much for all you've done for me.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
I thank you for trusting yourself enough to call. How
about that? Yes, man, Okay, you have a blessed and
wonderful day.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
My love be blessed.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
Bye bye, bye bye. A broken heart based on betrayal,
based on giving your all to a relationship and not
having it returned, only to have your partner look you
in your face and lie to you about them being
with somebody else. Yes, ladies, it happens to men two
(34:40):
and it leaves them as cripple, wounded and devastated as
it leaves us. I think one of the most sacred
and powerful things any man can do is to open himself,
allow himself to be vulnerable. Crying is simply the way
(35:05):
that the heart expresses itself when there are no words
for men or for women, for men or for women
when the heart is open and vulnerable and saw there
are no words, and the result of that is tears.
(35:26):
I heard my guests tears, but I didn't want to
run the risk of bringing guilt or shame or embarrassment
about allowing himself to be vulnerable. That's the R Spot
for today. Thank you for tuning in. In the meantime,
(35:48):
stay in peace and not pieces. I'll see you next time.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
Bye.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
The R Spot is a production of Shana Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
Popular Podcasts
1. The Podium
The Podium: An NBC Olympic and Paralympic podcast. Join us for insider coverage during the intense competition at the 2024 Paris Olympic and Paralympic Games. In the run-up to the Opening Ceremony, we’ll bring you deep into the stories and events that have you know and those you'll be hard-pressed to forget.
2. In The Village
In The Village will take you into the most exclusive areas of the 2024 Paris Olympic Games to explore the daily life of athletes, complete with all the funny, mundane and unexpected things you learn off the field of play. Join Elizabeth Beisel as she sits down with Olympians each day in Paris.
3. iHeartOlympics: The Latest
Listen to the latest news from the 2024 Olympics.