December 7, 2022 • 41 mins
This week, two callers have set themselves up for experiencing exactly what they don’t want in their relationships. One caller is dating a man who has a son, while she doesn’t ever want children – yet she believes the issue is with her partner. The second caller is considering returning to a toxic relationship because of the pressure from her children and her ex. Iyanla recognizes the issue in both situations – each caller believes they cannot have what they want, which created their predicaments.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher
for sam in a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
(00:38):
I wish I had a beautiful crystal bottle trimmed in
gold with a lovely on a cap on it. And
if I did, I would speak into that bottle, you
can have what you want, and I would sell it.
I'd sell it on eBay. I'd sell it on Etsy
(01:00):
for five cents. I wouldn't even charge a lot for it.
But the beauty of it, this crystal bottle trimmed and
gold with the ornate cap, filled with the statement, the belief,
the declaration, the affirmation you can have what you want.
(01:22):
I want to just make it available and hopefully it
will help people believe it. You can have what you want.
You don't have to accommodate crazy, you don't have to
tolerate bad behavior, you don't have to eliminate your values.
(01:42):
You can have what you want. And so very often
when we make a choice that takes a left turn,
we think we've done something wrong from which we will
never recover, and we accept, accommodate, and tolerate crazy. You
(02:04):
can have what you want, and it doesn't matter how
many bad choices you make, you can have what you want.
My guest today thinks this is about children, and it's
really not. It's really about believing that you can have
what you want. And if you don't believe you can
(02:26):
have what you want, the way you will set yourself
up the fall flat on your face. Good morning, beloved,
Welcome to the art spot. And what is the challenge
issue question that you have that we can dig into today?
So my biggest problem is negative thinking, more of really
(02:52):
for the past and for the future. So like the past,
definitely get to my way currently, you know, which makes
me fearful for the future. As it retains to my relationship.
Is there a particular area of the relationship, is in
particular issue in the relationship that negative thinking is impacting? Yeah, so, um,
(03:20):
he he has a son. I don't have any children,
and so right away it's like okay, and so just
seeing how as of as of late, it just doesn't
feel like it just makes me wonder if he'll be
able to like not necessarily provide, but also be able
(03:43):
to contribute to our relationship. UM, Like in starting like
a life with me, Me and son have a really really,
really good relationship. We talked more than him and his
dad talk. But it just worries me, like how that
transition will be when I'm I've always been by myself
and always on the go by myself, and now it's
(04:07):
like I don't want to be just like a step
mom and now my life is family and I can't
live a life that I've been living or traveling and
being very carefree. We'll not necessarily care free, but just
more free with my life than he's able to be.
(04:27):
So that's what worries me about the future. And then
it just becomes a spiral of well if you had
done this in the past, you know, So then I
just begin to get very hard on him about the
choices he made. How old is your relationship? UM? Since
last June twenty one, so a year in a couple
(04:47):
of a year about four months, So you are in
a one year relationship with a man who has a
seven year old son. Yes, let me acknowledge him m
for being in his son's life. Let me just acknowledge that.
I don't know if you acknowledge it, but I just
(05:08):
want to acknowledge that. And I'm assuming that he sees
his son what on the weekends regularly? Does he live
with you all? What is? What is the situation? So
we both moved to Detroit. He moved last year last
mate from North Carolina. So his son is in North Carolina.
(05:28):
My parent and I don't live together. We live just
in the same like surrounding city. So he's come, his
sons came to visit twice, but I'm usually they're watching
him because his dad works at night. So you are
in a one year old relationship with a man who
has a seven year old son who lives in another state.
(05:50):
And in that year, you've seen this boy, this child
two three times maybe yeah, three times? His son had
you know, I had taken him to the pool and
I said, you know, and I was like, all right,
you need to go take a shower. There's an attery.
So I'm like, this is this is a shampoo, this
is a conditioner. And he was like, you're acting like
(06:13):
a bi c A. She didn't spell it right. You
know he seven, but I told him my partner and
he did nothing tact. You know. It's like, I really
rather not even deal with kids, but I'm embracing what
you come with. But you can at least be a
(06:34):
partner and put him being more assertive with him and
stuck up for me at the same time. Okay, and
what did you say in this good relationship with the
sun when he said that to you? What did you
say to him? At the time, I was like, I'm
more observing how my partner is going to take on
(06:56):
this situation. But when his sons and when his unsaid it,
I was just like, okay, you just go ahead in
the shower, you know, because I'm we're already about to
go home. My mom is visiting, you know, from l A,
so we went to her hotel to swim there. So
we're already about to leave and go back to your
dad's house, and you know, we can take care of
(07:18):
it then. And so I talked about it. He didn't
do any things, an's your question. I did not necessarily
say much, but all right, we're leaving, you know, because
I perfectly did not have kids so I could discipline them. Well,
the question that I asked, was what did you say
to you, as an adult woman, fully in controlablr faculties,
(07:43):
what did you say to a child when he called
you out of your name? I made sure he meant
the actual word. And that's honestly like all I remember
me saying. I was in the supermarket with my great
grandson and he met up with another little boy in
(08:04):
the supermarket, and the little boy in him kind of
I don't know, interacted with one another, and my grandson,
who was very friendly, said to him, are you going
to be my friend? And the little boy said, fool.
I don't know you. And as an adult in full
(08:26):
control of my faculties, I said to the child, beloved,
it is you don't get to call people you don't
know a fool, At which point his mother came over,
another adult and full control of her faculties, and she
said what did he say? I said, no, no, wait
(08:49):
a minute, I said, you you don't know this person.
He's a stranger to you, but he's also your brother,
and so it's not kind, into a loving or respectful
to you or him to call him a fool. And
the mother said, like what he called? Who did he
call it? I said, it's okay, mom, it's okay. I said,
(09:12):
Now tell me what you heard me say. He said,
I shouldn't say fool. I said, well, you may say it,
but you shouldn't say it to strangers, because that makes
you seem mean and disrespectful, and you don't want to
see mean and disrespectful, do you? And he said no.
I said, okay. So I said to my great grandson,
(09:34):
so what do you want to say to him? And
he said, I forgive you. And the little boy said
thank you. Little boy said thank you. And I said
to his mother it's okay. This guy stuff going on,
you know. And I went on and got my my
milk and mine everything. So I just am not getting
why in that moment you didn't correct the child with
(09:58):
the understanding that I'm new in this child's life. Um,
if we're going to have this ongoing relationship, I need
to establish boundaries with him right now. But I'm hearing
you say you didn't as an adult. I don't care
if it was your boyfriend's child, the neighbor's child, a
(10:20):
strange child in the supermarket, that as an adult you
didn't correct the child and create a boundary with him.
But instead told your partner and then have issue with
the way he handled it. That goes way beyond negative thinking. Yeah,
I told the month prior was the first time I
(10:42):
met him in Martrolina, and I had already seen his behavior,
and so at this point I'm like, Okay, you guys,
let him do whatever over the smallest theme, like not
get hit Dr Pepper. And he's not east at least
grateful that he just got like everything he wanted, you know.
But he's like, but he's got back there throwing a tantrum,
(11:04):
I mean, extremely rude towards you because he didn't get that.
So I guess at the time, I'm like, I'm a
verbing Okay, how do you raise your like your set? Yeah,
but you don't have children, and he's the weekend dad.
You don't have children except for this child that's in
your life, and he is a weekend dad. And one
(11:25):
of the major issues that comes up in very many
relationships are the different parenting styles. Mother may have one,
father may have the other. You know, you may have
a drill sergeant dad and make the child happy mom,
or you have a drill sergeant mom and I'm your
friend dad. So that's a common issue. What I'm hearing
(11:46):
that I really want to support you in. It's not
about negative thinking. It's about judgments and the fact that
you would do it one way and he's doing it
another way, and you have to ments about that. Yes, okay.
Have you and your partner had a conversation about how
(12:10):
he wants you to interact with his son when he comes.
He never put expectations on me on how we should interact.
Have you and him had a conversation about your different
parenting styles? And it doesn't have to be a judgment
or an accusation. It could be I see that you're
really permissive with your son, and perhaps that's because he comes,
(12:33):
you know, so irregularly, or you see him so sparsely.
I have a different parenting style, and I just want
to share that with you so that when you see
it it won't be a shock to you. Have you
had that conversation with it? No, Oh, that might be helpful.
(12:53):
But I'm also hearing the fact that you have a
concern or a fee, or even a judgment that should
you and your partner become permanent in your relationship or
committed or married or whatever you want to call it,
I don't want to use the wrong language. You're concerned
about how his resources and his time and his energy
(13:18):
will be split between you and his son. Would that
be accurate? Yes, M Then we'll talk about that when
we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's
get back to the conversation. What are you telling yourself
(13:42):
about how you see sense field think worry? Are afraid
that your partner will split his time and his resources
between you and his son. So you, like you hit
it right on the head. He said it that you know,
because he comes not so often, there are certain ways,
(14:07):
like there are certain things that he just doesn't do.
And I wholeheartedly understood that right out of guilt, out
of saying, hey, like I'm leaving to find a new job,
and also stuff that he does not, you know, do
certain things, and so seeing that, like he will allow
his son just to talk to any type of way,
(14:29):
do whatever. But you have a lot of judgments about
what you've seen I do. Okay, Well that's your stuff,
that's not his stuff. I have a hard time not
making it his stuff. Well that's a problem. That's a problem,
particularly because you don't have children of your own, you know,
(14:51):
and it's usually the other way around. Usually the woman
has children and she's bringing them into the relationship with
a man who may not have children. But be that
neither here nor there. Here's what I'm hearing for you.
You make it about past and future. It's about right now.
(15:12):
And I could be very wrong. I could be wrong.
Please forgive me. If I am I'm hearing in here
that you don't want children? Would that be accurate? So
when you marry this man, am I to understand that
you and he are not going to have children? So okay?
(15:36):
So I just find it so interesting that a woman
who doesn't want children is in partnership with a man
who has a child. And you don't want children for
a reason. So it doesn't matter whether you birth them
or whether they're present. If you don't want children, this
is going to be a problem, beloved, This is going
(15:58):
to be a problem past thinking, future thinking, present, right
now thinking. It is going to be a problem because
I'm hearing, and again I could be wrong. Please forgive me.
If I am, I'm hearing you want undivided, full attention
from your partner. No, I can't say undervided because I
(16:23):
love when he's a way it's a partect. I just
like I just want to know, like I enjoy being alone,
so I just want to know that it is the
places where he is not assertive when it comes to
in my eyes, parenting, behavior, parenting, certain things that he does,
(16:49):
and how that will affect the future because it's like
the odor they get is going to be harder say oh, well,
now I'm trying to change this because I didn't do
it here, you know, and so like, well, how will that?
I just want to make sure I'm coming home to
something like to a peaceful house, you know, Like that's
(17:11):
not going to happen because you don't want kids, so
you're always going to find something wrong. Mhm. You don't
want children, and yet you're looking to marry a man
who has a child. So you with your judgments and
with the way that there's a piece here that you
are not speaking. I don't know what it is. I
(17:35):
don't I don't know, and I'm not going to assume
a guess, but I'm I sure hit the nail on
the head when I said you don't want children deeper
than that I said, And see that perhaps you don't
believe that you can have what you want, which is
a peaceful, loving, committed relationship between you and a man. Yeah,
(17:58):
you've attracted a man who has children, which is set
up you having to accept and deal with what you
don't want, and you're making it about his parents style
and it's not about that at all. It's about you
not being clear that you can have what you want.
Doesn't mean you don't love this man, but you have
(18:18):
set it up so that you do not get what
you want. In my mind, it's like the older right yet,
as a black woman, finding a man who like does
the things he does, he does do for me and
how he's there for me like finding that and actually
(18:43):
am not having the kids is like the chances are
very limbed to none. That's what you tell yourself. So
that's exactly what your experience because the position you take
on any subject determines how you see the subject. Your
position is, I can't have what I want and then
(19:07):
be clear about what you want because the truth is,
if you want it, it has to exist, it has
to But if you don't believe you can have it,
oh well you won't get it. So you'll take what
you have and try to make it work. But unless
you change your position about it. It's not going to
(19:29):
And again that doesn't mean that you don't love this child.
Doesn't mean you don't love this man. But that thing
about settling for it, because this is what has shown
now you might want to work on that. Oh should
I stay in this relationshship? That's up to you. That's
up to you, beloved, hear me. You are not telling
(19:52):
yourself the truth. You do not want to be in
a relationship with a man who That's true, you don't
but this and that has come into your life as
a job. So there's a conflict there. And then there's
a fear if I let him go, am I gonna
be able to find another man who don't have kids?
(20:13):
But that's not the crux of this matter. You are
attached to a man who is giving you what you
don't want children. You don't want the responsibility of them.
You don't want to share the time, in space and
resources with them. And a part of you knows that
if this man is in relationship with his son that
(20:36):
lives many states away, that's somehow or another that's going
to impact you, and you don't want that mhm. So
you have to reconcile that within yourself. Yeah, like, yeah,
I don't want to deal with responsibility. I don't want
to deal with like trying to share resources in the
(20:58):
same house, mind working, you know. And I's going to
a child who has like sometimes very bratty and can
have like the worst attitude, you know, But I like
and deeply in love with his father and I love
him his son a lot. Shift your position or get out.
(21:23):
And the other thing I would say to you is
get clear about what you want and if you don't
want children, if you don't want to share the responsibility
of raising a child, if you don't want to share
your time, resources and energies, and if you have any
concerned judgment, hesitations. When he offers you the engagement right,
(21:47):
don't accept it until you're clear that this is something
you want to do, this is something you can do,
this is something you're willing to do, this is something
you're ready to do. Don't accept the right. Don't because
you're setting yourself up, you're setting the child up, and
you're eventually gonna beat your partner up about it. Because
(22:09):
I can hear it coming out your mouth. He my son,
that's your son. I did try therapy, and I can
admit I'm honestly not the best, but even showing up
for me, you know, like it was shown when I
didn't really say much about you know it really didn't
(22:32):
say much to his son in the like during that situation.
I'm not the death step showing up for me, but
I am good at showing up for other people. So
do some work around that if you if you still
have a counselor of therapists, do some work about owning
your desires, what it is you say you want, and
being able to stand up for it, stand up in it,
(22:56):
believing you know that you can have what you want
one and if you choose to stay, then I would
just say, create clear boundaries for yourself. That's how you
show up for yourself. And don't expect your partner to
do for you what you won't do for yourself. Yeah. Sorry,
(23:19):
no worries, No worries, no worries. It's it feels I
feel you're suffering. I feel it, so outside support may
be helpful for you. Our job gives us twenty five
three sessions a year with with certified therapist a life coaches.
(23:43):
I just every time I've used it, it's about the
relationship and that let's about me. Well, take a new position,
take a new position. You got an endless supply, and
do over. Okay, thank you for loving, thank you, but bye.
So very often we say we want something and then
(24:07):
we set ourselves up so nice and proper that we
can't have what we want. And then something shows up
that is not what we want, and we will twist
ourselves into a pretzel to make it work, knowing it's
not what we want. So when that happens, it's very,
(24:29):
very important to tell the truth about what you want,
tell the truth about what you're doing, and get clear
about which direction you're gonna choose, going for what you
want or accommodating what you have from a new position.
(24:53):
It doesn't matter how far left the road goes. You
can have what you want. And I want my next
caller to really get that. We'll talk to her when
we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. One
(25:19):
of the most challenging things I've ever faced as a
mother is recognizing that while I want to be a
responsible parent, that I have an obligation to safeguard my
children and give them the best of who I am.
It doesn't mean that I have to eliminate my human
(25:42):
needs and desires, and I think many mothers struggle with that,
and we try to put the needs of our children
ahead of our own. Coupled with the belief that many
women hold, which is that we can't have what we want,
particularly when we become mothers, that our needs sit on
(26:03):
the back burner. My next caller is facing that very issue.
Take a listen. Hello, Greetings, be love, and welcome to
the our spot. Thank you for calling in today. And
what is your challenge issue dilemma that we can sink
our teeth into. I've been separated for almost five years.
(26:25):
I stayed too long in a relationship that produced three
wonderful children, but my husband was an alcoholic and emotionally,
psychologically and sometimes a small bit physically abusive. Um. The
straw that broke the camel's back was an attempted sexual
(26:46):
assault on our at the time nine year old daughter
that created a big thing with police, our child services,
and I honestly just didn't think it would get that
far and that horrid. I'll be honest and say it
was probably the worst time in my life. Um, breathe,
(27:11):
just breathe, just breathe, just breathe don't try to talk.
I'm not going anywhere. UM. That was incredibly embarrassed, incredibly ashamed,
and I wind up kind of leaving right away. And
when he stayed with my family over the last uh
four and a half years of work to get my
(27:31):
daughter's health right, to get my get us back on
my feet, and he's cultivated a wonderful, very intense close
relationship with our son who's alman. Um. My daughter, who's
now fourteen, tolerates him. That means he'll say hello, she'll
say goodbye, but she does not want any close relationship
(27:55):
to him at all anymore. UM. I have an issue
because he is wanting to reconcile badly, wants to try
to repair, but you know, I don't trust him. But
I feel like, um, this is my second marriage. If
I don't allow some kind of something that I'll be
(28:18):
letting everyone down. My son comes and talks to me often, Mom,
Why aren't you trying to work it out with dad?
You know? UM, he tries to say things when when
him and my daughter have you know, conversations every now
and again. You know, I really I'm trying to do
better with you. But your mom won't let me you
(28:40):
know it, won't try to get us all back together
as a family. Wait a minute, Wait a minute, right there,
I want you to go to the nearest mina slap
the first person that's yours up in that name, that
would say to you that you have to consider being
(29:00):
back in a relationship with a person who has a
substance abuse issue that has been physically, verbally, psychologically, emotionally
abusive and attempted to sexually abuse your daughter. And somebody
would say to you you have to consider anybody else's feelings.
(29:22):
Please please slap that that um, the issue is somebody
needs to be slapped. That's the issue. I am. I
feel stuck in the middle, and I no longer want
to be stuck. Well, they make a decision, make a
(29:44):
decision right here, right now. I'm done. Done, So there
is no more conversation. There's no more conversation. But as
long as you even have a question about it in
your consciousness, it will continue to come up. Shut it down.
Not going to happen. Ever, maybe on the fifth of
(30:08):
never Weary, are you available? On that day? Are you available?
That's the day I will consider being back in intimate
loving live with you relationship on the fifth of Never Weary,
can you can you show up on that day? Please? Yeah,
because you think you're in the middle, you will even
(30:28):
consider entertaining it. And when he starts that, shut it down. No, no, no, no,
no no. Listen, beloved, your father is a beautiful soul,
blessed child of God. But there is no way that
we are ever going to be back together. Doesn't mean
we can't be a family. This is our new normal.
He's over there, well over here. So the work is
(30:48):
with me now, are y'all? Because I know in my
soul of souls that I don't want to be back.
But this is a second field marriage. That's not the
way you frame this. I am not choosing because choice
is your power. You girl, You don't got me heated
up over here. I am not choosing to be back.
(31:13):
But now I have to cut out all of the stuff,
my stuff, which is second film marriage. No no, no, no, no, no,
no stop stop stop. Let's go back to the mirror.
Let's go back to the mirror. There's a slapping. There's
a slapping. There is a slapping required here. It's not
a failed marriage. You made the wrong choice. Oops. That
(31:36):
didn't work. Let me try again. It's not a failed marriage.
What does a failed marriage? What does that mean? That
means that somehow you're wrong, or you're guilty or whatever.
Maybe you want to look at why you chose that
in the first place, maybe your choices or or where
you need to investigate. But you've made a wrong choice. Oops,
(31:59):
that didn't work. Can you say that? Let me hear
you say that that. I'll take that instead of a slap.
That didn't work. What was I thinking? Yeah? I was thinking, yeah,
oh my lord, let me get up out of it
this quick. Yeah. I bought this fabulous pair of shoes. Uh,
(32:19):
last month. They were sexy, they were on sale. I
brought them shoes. Yeah. And then I was going out
and I put them shoes on my feet, and I said, oops,
what was I thinking? Well, I can't go nowhere in
these shoes. I can't even walk out the closet in them.
Oh my lord, not do the received away and everything.
(32:41):
I took them right to the donation box and put
them right in their brand new ain't never warm. What
was I thinking? It cost me a little bit? Can
you hear me? It cost me a little bit, But
I am not gonna torture myself because I bought these
fabulous shoes that made my legs look sexy on sale
to make your behind right over there to the donation.
(33:01):
But can you hear me, lighten this thing up a
little bit? I hear you. I hear you. I hear you.
And when he starts that, when he says that to
your daughter, say wait a minute, let me step in
here and let me just say this. I'm gonna say
this to you, beloved, the fifth of denver weary. That's
(33:24):
when we're going to get back together, the fifth of
never wearing. And to your daughter, say, your father has
a beautiful soul, loving the death. I want you all
have a wonderful relationship, but I will not be in
relationship with your father the way we used to be.
We've got a new normal. Now he's over there, I'm
over here. Shut it down. Otherwise, a deceptive intelligence in
(33:46):
you will continue to make you wrong. And what if?
What if? What if you never get married again? Have
play dates, find you some nice, sweet little thing that
you can take to the red move in, and then
go what the hell? Now here's okay. Now here's the
(34:11):
second part. Here's the other side of this. I'm working
through my stuff, right, I'm working through my stuff. He's
going to he's going to further distance himself from the
children by his choice, not yours, his choice, not yours,
his choice, not yours. Did I mention that's his choice,
not yours? Did I mention that his choice not yours?
(34:34):
That's called emotional blackmail. Okay, So you're not doing what
he's wants you to do. So he's gonna threaten to
harm your children, he's their father. Yeah, Then he said
he'll move, He'll move to leave the state and leave
the country. Can you help him get the Trump? Can
you help him? So here I am, well, here I
(34:56):
am with these three kids, and um doing it on
my own, which I'm at about eight percent right now anyway.
And so that's the part that I'm cleaning up right now,
I'm cleaning up where I'll be. It's called court, family court,
it's called child support. Listen, I know I'm being hard
(35:19):
on this, brother, But if I heard you correctly, I
heard you say that this man who sired a child
with you and a drunken, stupid or a fit of insanity,
tried to sexually assault her. Is that did I hear
you say that you know me correct. He does not
(35:39):
give any benefit of the doubt. Love you mean it,
forgive you. I'm sorry, I'm I know I'm being hard
on him. Yeah, I'm That's why I left. I felt
like we left in the middle of the night, the
way we left about I left in the middle of
the night with three bags and three kids. I left
with three bags and three kids. Okay. Why because when he,
(36:01):
at six ft four two hundred and sixty pounds, picked
up a bed slat ready to hit me in my head,
and the Holy Spirit said to me, leave, leave now,
or he's gonna kill you. Oh my god. Okay. That's
when I laughed at two thirty in the morning with
three children and three bags of close okay. And I
(36:21):
never went back ever, didn't go back, you know, because
you can beat me, you can cheat on me, you
can't kill me. I don't give you permission to kill me. Okay.
Back then I had said, okay, I'm just gonna get beaten.
Back then is okay, he's just gonna cheat. But when
you start talking killing people, h no, I'm out. Yeah.
(36:44):
That was the straw and if sexual violation of his
own child is not the store for you. Go to
the mirror. It was strong, It's still the strong. I'm
just dealing because I don't want to be back with
this fool. But I um, you know, he's with the sun,
and I just I you know, I guess we'll have
(37:06):
to deal with whatever comes next. If it means he's
not going to be in their lives, and so be it.
He's blackmailing you. How do you deal with a blackmailer?
You call the police. Let me just say this to you.
Belove it. You can have what you want. You can
have a man that accepts you, loves you, respects you,
(37:30):
and values treasures and love your children. You can have that.
As soon as you believe it is possible. You can
have that because you can get you some shoes that
fit your feet. They're whipping on it and he'll be
right there. Okay. I want you to repeat this with me.
(37:50):
I pledge allegiance to myself. Say that I pledge allegiance
to myself that I will never accommodate or tolerate or
accept a man in my life who does not honor
the glory that I am, and I will not entertain
a man who poses a threat to my daughters. Yeah,
(38:17):
that's your pledge of allegiance. You start there. M hmm.
And stop talking to man. Don't listen to their conversations.
They talk out their neck, you know. I say, every
woman has a queen, and she has a princess, and
she has a wife, and she has a mother inside
(38:41):
of us every woman, there's a queen in there, there's
a mother in there, there's a wife in there, there's
a mistress in there, this a hole in there, and
there's a b I t c h in there. Two.
You need to put the b I t c h
in the throne right now? Do you get the until
you get the mother woman and the queen in order? Okay,
(39:03):
put her in the throne. Yeah, okay, I'm so glad
we talked. This has been very hopeful and clarifying. Yes,
I am too. Okay, tell me something you know now
that you didn't know when you call me. I always
need the answer. Um, you need to put some things
(39:23):
in perspective and be okay, and do give myself a
little bit more grace. Yeah, yeah, and put the bitch
in the throne. Put her in the throne. Put the
bit in the throne. Okay. So she will slack. Somebody
(39:51):
let me know how you make out, darling. Okay, okay,
you take good care, Thank you, Bye bye. Life is complicated,
It really really is. Let's just put that outfront. Life
is complicated for us as individuals. But then when you
drop children into the mix, when you are a parent,
(40:13):
life goes from challenging and difficult to mind boggling. Both
of my guests today have issues related to children. They
think the issues are really about them being clear and
believing that they can have what they want. So when
life throws a curveball your way and their children involved,
(40:37):
if you stop long enough to look at you first
and get clear about what you want and how can
you support, protect, and be responsible for your children in
the process, you get to the finish line a lot
quicker than if you just try to do what you
(40:58):
think needs to be done for the children. Children are
a blessing, but you, beloved, are your biggest blessing. Vote
for you first. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
and if you have a question about this or any
other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
(41:21):
seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now
be sure to follow me on social media for all
of the calling times and until then, stay in peace
and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more
(41:44):
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher
for sam in a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
(00:38):
I wish I had a beautiful crystal bottle trimmed in
gold with a lovely on a cap on it. And
if I did, I would speak into that bottle, you
can have what you want, and I would sell it.
I'd sell it on eBay. I'd sell it on Etsy
(01:00):
for five cents. I wouldn't even charge a lot for it.
But the beauty of it, this crystal bottle trimmed and
gold with the ornate cap, filled with the statement, the belief,
the declaration, the affirmation you can have what you want.
(01:22):
I want to just make it available and hopefully it
will help people believe it. You can have what you want.
You don't have to accommodate crazy, you don't have to
tolerate bad behavior, you don't have to eliminate your values.
(01:42):
You can have what you want. And so very often
when we make a choice that takes a left turn,
we think we've done something wrong from which we will
never recover, and we accept, accommodate, and tolerate crazy. You
(02:04):
can have what you want, and it doesn't matter how
many bad choices you make, you can have what you want.
My guest today thinks this is about children, and it's
really not. It's really about believing that you can have
what you want. And if you don't believe you can
(02:26):
have what you want, the way you will set yourself
up the fall flat on your face. Good morning, beloved,
Welcome to the art spot. And what is the challenge
issue question that you have that we can dig into today?
So my biggest problem is negative thinking, more of really
(02:52):
for the past and for the future. So like the past,
definitely get to my way currently, you know, which makes
me fearful for the future. As it retains to my relationship.
Is there a particular area of the relationship, is in
particular issue in the relationship that negative thinking is impacting? Yeah, so, um,
(03:20):
he he has a son. I don't have any children,
and so right away it's like okay, and so just
seeing how as of as of late, it just doesn't
feel like it just makes me wonder if he'll be
able to like not necessarily provide, but also be able
(03:43):
to contribute to our relationship. UM, Like in starting like
a life with me, Me and son have a really really,
really good relationship. We talked more than him and his
dad talk. But it just worries me, like how that
transition will be when I'm I've always been by myself
and always on the go by myself, and now it's
(04:07):
like I don't want to be just like a step
mom and now my life is family and I can't
live a life that I've been living or traveling and
being very carefree. We'll not necessarily care free, but just
more free with my life than he's able to be.
(04:27):
So that's what worries me about the future. And then
it just becomes a spiral of well if you had
done this in the past, you know, So then I
just begin to get very hard on him about the
choices he made. How old is your relationship? UM? Since
last June twenty one, so a year in a couple
(04:47):
of a year about four months, So you are in
a one year relationship with a man who has a
seven year old son. Yes, let me acknowledge him m
for being in his son's life. Let me just acknowledge that.
I don't know if you acknowledge it, but I just
(05:08):
want to acknowledge that. And I'm assuming that he sees
his son what on the weekends regularly? Does he live
with you all? What is? What is the situation? So
we both moved to Detroit. He moved last year last
mate from North Carolina. So his son is in North Carolina.
(05:28):
My parent and I don't live together. We live just
in the same like surrounding city. So he's come, his
sons came to visit twice, but I'm usually they're watching
him because his dad works at night. So you are
in a one year old relationship with a man who
has a seven year old son who lives in another state.
(05:50):
And in that year, you've seen this boy, this child
two three times maybe yeah, three times? His son had
you know, I had taken him to the pool and
I said, you know, and I was like, all right,
you need to go take a shower. There's an attery.
So I'm like, this is this is a shampoo, this
is a conditioner. And he was like, you're acting like
(06:13):
a bi c A. She didn't spell it right. You
know he seven, but I told him my partner and
he did nothing tact. You know. It's like, I really
rather not even deal with kids, but I'm embracing what
you come with. But you can at least be a
(06:34):
partner and put him being more assertive with him and
stuck up for me at the same time. Okay, and
what did you say in this good relationship with the
sun when he said that to you? What did you
say to him? At the time, I was like, I'm
more observing how my partner is going to take on
(06:56):
this situation. But when his sons and when his unsaid it,
I was just like, okay, you just go ahead in
the shower, you know, because I'm we're already about to
go home. My mom is visiting, you know, from l A,
so we went to her hotel to swim there. So
we're already about to leave and go back to your
dad's house, and you know, we can take care of
(07:18):
it then. And so I talked about it. He didn't
do any things, an's your question. I did not necessarily
say much, but all right, we're leaving, you know, because
I perfectly did not have kids so I could discipline them. Well,
the question that I asked, was what did you say
to you, as an adult woman, fully in controlablr faculties,
(07:43):
what did you say to a child when he called
you out of your name? I made sure he meant
the actual word. And that's honestly like all I remember
me saying. I was in the supermarket with my great
grandson and he met up with another little boy in
(08:04):
the supermarket, and the little boy in him kind of
I don't know, interacted with one another, and my grandson,
who was very friendly, said to him, are you going
to be my friend? And the little boy said, fool.
I don't know you. And as an adult in full
(08:26):
control of my faculties, I said to the child, beloved,
it is you don't get to call people you don't
know a fool, At which point his mother came over,
another adult and full control of her faculties, and she
said what did he say? I said, no, no, wait
(08:49):
a minute, I said, you you don't know this person.
He's a stranger to you, but he's also your brother,
and so it's not kind, into a loving or respectful
to you or him to call him a fool. And
the mother said, like what he called? Who did he
call it? I said, it's okay, mom, it's okay. I said,
(09:12):
Now tell me what you heard me say. He said,
I shouldn't say fool. I said, well, you may say it,
but you shouldn't say it to strangers, because that makes
you seem mean and disrespectful, and you don't want to
see mean and disrespectful, do you? And he said no.
I said, okay. So I said to my great grandson,
(09:34):
so what do you want to say to him? And
he said, I forgive you. And the little boy said
thank you. Little boy said thank you. And I said
to his mother it's okay. This guy stuff going on,
you know. And I went on and got my my
milk and mine everything. So I just am not getting
why in that moment you didn't correct the child with
(09:58):
the understanding that I'm new in this child's life. Um,
if we're going to have this ongoing relationship, I need
to establish boundaries with him right now. But I'm hearing
you say you didn't as an adult. I don't care
if it was your boyfriend's child, the neighbor's child, a
(10:20):
strange child in the supermarket, that as an adult you
didn't correct the child and create a boundary with him.
But instead told your partner and then have issue with
the way he handled it. That goes way beyond negative thinking. Yeah,
I told the month prior was the first time I
(10:42):
met him in Martrolina, and I had already seen his behavior,
and so at this point I'm like, Okay, you guys,
let him do whatever over the smallest theme, like not
get hit Dr Pepper. And he's not east at least
grateful that he just got like everything he wanted, you know.
But he's like, but he's got back there throwing a tantrum,
(11:04):
I mean, extremely rude towards you because he didn't get that.
So I guess at the time, I'm like, I'm a
verbing Okay, how do you raise your like your set? Yeah,
but you don't have children, and he's the weekend dad.
You don't have children except for this child that's in
your life, and he is a weekend dad. And one
(11:25):
of the major issues that comes up in very many
relationships are the different parenting styles. Mother may have one,
father may have the other. You know, you may have
a drill sergeant dad and make the child happy mom,
or you have a drill sergeant mom and I'm your
friend dad. So that's a common issue. What I'm hearing
(11:46):
that I really want to support you in. It's not
about negative thinking. It's about judgments and the fact that
you would do it one way and he's doing it
another way, and you have to ments about that. Yes, okay.
Have you and your partner had a conversation about how
(12:10):
he wants you to interact with his son when he comes.
He never put expectations on me on how we should interact.
Have you and him had a conversation about your different
parenting styles? And it doesn't have to be a judgment
or an accusation. It could be I see that you're
really permissive with your son, and perhaps that's because he comes,
(12:33):
you know, so irregularly, or you see him so sparsely.
I have a different parenting style, and I just want
to share that with you so that when you see
it it won't be a shock to you. Have you
had that conversation with it? No, Oh, that might be helpful.
(12:53):
But I'm also hearing the fact that you have a
concern or a fee, or even a judgment that should
you and your partner become permanent in your relationship or
committed or married or whatever you want to call it,
I don't want to use the wrong language. You're concerned
about how his resources and his time and his energy
(13:18):
will be split between you and his son. Would that
be accurate? Yes, M Then we'll talk about that when
we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's
get back to the conversation. What are you telling yourself
(13:42):
about how you see sense field think worry? Are afraid
that your partner will split his time and his resources
between you and his son. So you, like you hit
it right on the head. He said it that you know,
because he comes not so often, there are certain ways,
(14:07):
like there are certain things that he just doesn't do.
And I wholeheartedly understood that right out of guilt, out
of saying, hey, like I'm leaving to find a new job,
and also stuff that he does not, you know, do
certain things, and so seeing that, like he will allow
his son just to talk to any type of way,
(14:29):
do whatever. But you have a lot of judgments about
what you've seen I do. Okay, Well that's your stuff,
that's not his stuff. I have a hard time not
making it his stuff. Well that's a problem. That's a problem,
particularly because you don't have children of your own, you know,
(14:51):
and it's usually the other way around. Usually the woman
has children and she's bringing them into the relationship with
a man who may not have children. But be that
neither here nor there. Here's what I'm hearing for you.
You make it about past and future. It's about right now.
(15:12):
And I could be very wrong. I could be wrong.
Please forgive me. If I am I'm hearing in here
that you don't want children? Would that be accurate? So
when you marry this man, am I to understand that
you and he are not going to have children? So okay?
(15:36):
So I just find it so interesting that a woman
who doesn't want children is in partnership with a man
who has a child. And you don't want children for
a reason. So it doesn't matter whether you birth them
or whether they're present. If you don't want children, this
is going to be a problem, beloved, This is going
(15:58):
to be a problem past thinking, future thinking, present, right
now thinking. It is going to be a problem because
I'm hearing, and again I could be wrong. Please forgive me.
If I am, I'm hearing you want undivided, full attention
from your partner. No, I can't say undervided because I
(16:23):
love when he's a way it's a partect. I just
like I just want to know, like I enjoy being alone,
so I just want to know that it is the
places where he is not assertive when it comes to
in my eyes, parenting, behavior, parenting, certain things that he does,
(16:49):
and how that will affect the future because it's like
the odor they get is going to be harder say oh, well,
now I'm trying to change this because I didn't do
it here, you know, and so like, well, how will that?
I just want to make sure I'm coming home to
something like to a peaceful house, you know, Like that's
(17:11):
not going to happen because you don't want kids, so
you're always going to find something wrong. Mhm. You don't
want children, and yet you're looking to marry a man
who has a child. So you with your judgments and
with the way that there's a piece here that you
are not speaking. I don't know what it is. I
(17:35):
don't I don't know, and I'm not going to assume
a guess, but I'm I sure hit the nail on
the head when I said you don't want children deeper
than that I said, And see that perhaps you don't
believe that you can have what you want, which is
a peaceful, loving, committed relationship between you and a man. Yeah,
(17:58):
you've attracted a man who has children, which is set
up you having to accept and deal with what you
don't want, and you're making it about his parents style
and it's not about that at all. It's about you
not being clear that you can have what you want.
Doesn't mean you don't love this man, but you have
(18:18):
set it up so that you do not get what
you want. In my mind, it's like the older right yet,
as a black woman, finding a man who like does
the things he does, he does do for me and
how he's there for me like finding that and actually
(18:43):
am not having the kids is like the chances are
very limbed to none. That's what you tell yourself. So
that's exactly what your experience because the position you take
on any subject determines how you see the subject. Your
position is, I can't have what I want and then
(19:07):
be clear about what you want because the truth is,
if you want it, it has to exist, it has
to But if you don't believe you can have it,
oh well you won't get it. So you'll take what
you have and try to make it work. But unless
you change your position about it. It's not going to
(19:29):
And again that doesn't mean that you don't love this child.
Doesn't mean you don't love this man. But that thing
about settling for it, because this is what has shown
now you might want to work on that. Oh should
I stay in this relationshship? That's up to you. That's
up to you, beloved, hear me. You are not telling
(19:52):
yourself the truth. You do not want to be in
a relationship with a man who That's true, you don't
but this and that has come into your life as
a job. So there's a conflict there. And then there's
a fear if I let him go, am I gonna
be able to find another man who don't have kids?
(20:13):
But that's not the crux of this matter. You are
attached to a man who is giving you what you
don't want children. You don't want the responsibility of them.
You don't want to share the time, in space and
resources with them. And a part of you knows that
if this man is in relationship with his son that
(20:36):
lives many states away, that's somehow or another that's going
to impact you, and you don't want that mhm. So
you have to reconcile that within yourself. Yeah, like, yeah,
I don't want to deal with responsibility. I don't want
to deal with like trying to share resources in the
(20:58):
same house, mind working, you know. And I's going to
a child who has like sometimes very bratty and can
have like the worst attitude, you know, But I like
and deeply in love with his father and I love
him his son a lot. Shift your position or get out.
(21:23):
And the other thing I would say to you is
get clear about what you want and if you don't
want children, if you don't want to share the responsibility
of raising a child, if you don't want to share
your time, resources and energies, and if you have any
concerned judgment, hesitations. When he offers you the engagement right,
(21:47):
don't accept it until you're clear that this is something
you want to do, this is something you can do,
this is something you're willing to do, this is something
you're ready to do. Don't accept the right. Don't because
you're setting yourself up, you're setting the child up, and
you're eventually gonna beat your partner up about it. Because
(22:09):
I can hear it coming out your mouth. He my son,
that's your son. I did try therapy, and I can
admit I'm honestly not the best, but even showing up
for me, you know, like it was shown when I
didn't really say much about you know it really didn't
(22:32):
say much to his son in the like during that situation.
I'm not the death step showing up for me, but
I am good at showing up for other people. So
do some work around that if you if you still
have a counselor of therapists, do some work about owning
your desires, what it is you say you want, and
being able to stand up for it, stand up in it,
(22:56):
believing you know that you can have what you want
one and if you choose to stay, then I would
just say, create clear boundaries for yourself. That's how you
show up for yourself. And don't expect your partner to
do for you what you won't do for yourself. Yeah. Sorry,
(23:19):
no worries, No worries, no worries. It's it feels I
feel you're suffering. I feel it, so outside support may
be helpful for you. Our job gives us twenty five
three sessions a year with with certified therapist a life coaches.
(23:43):
I just every time I've used it, it's about the
relationship and that let's about me. Well, take a new position,
take a new position. You got an endless supply, and
do over. Okay, thank you for loving, thank you, but bye.
So very often we say we want something and then
(24:07):
we set ourselves up so nice and proper that we
can't have what we want. And then something shows up
that is not what we want, and we will twist
ourselves into a pretzel to make it work, knowing it's
not what we want. So when that happens, it's very,
(24:29):
very important to tell the truth about what you want,
tell the truth about what you're doing, and get clear
about which direction you're gonna choose, going for what you
want or accommodating what you have from a new position.
(24:53):
It doesn't matter how far left the road goes. You
can have what you want. And I want my next
caller to really get that. We'll talk to her when
we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. One
(25:19):
of the most challenging things I've ever faced as a
mother is recognizing that while I want to be a
responsible parent, that I have an obligation to safeguard my
children and give them the best of who I am.
It doesn't mean that I have to eliminate my human
(25:42):
needs and desires, and I think many mothers struggle with that,
and we try to put the needs of our children
ahead of our own. Coupled with the belief that many
women hold, which is that we can't have what we want,
particularly when we become mothers, that our needs sit on
(26:03):
the back burner. My next caller is facing that very issue.
Take a listen. Hello, Greetings, be love, and welcome to
the our spot. Thank you for calling in today. And
what is your challenge issue dilemma that we can sink
our teeth into. I've been separated for almost five years.
(26:25):
I stayed too long in a relationship that produced three
wonderful children, but my husband was an alcoholic and emotionally,
psychologically and sometimes a small bit physically abusive. Um. The
straw that broke the camel's back was an attempted sexual
(26:46):
assault on our at the time nine year old daughter
that created a big thing with police, our child services,
and I honestly just didn't think it would get that
far and that horrid. I'll be honest and say it
was probably the worst time in my life. Um, breathe,
(27:11):
just breathe, just breathe, just breathe don't try to talk.
I'm not going anywhere. UM. That was incredibly embarrassed, incredibly ashamed,
and I wind up kind of leaving right away. And
when he stayed with my family over the last uh
four and a half years of work to get my
(27:31):
daughter's health right, to get my get us back on
my feet, and he's cultivated a wonderful, very intense close
relationship with our son who's alman. Um. My daughter, who's
now fourteen, tolerates him. That means he'll say hello, she'll
say goodbye, but she does not want any close relationship
(27:55):
to him at all anymore. UM. I have an issue
because he is wanting to reconcile badly, wants to try
to repair, but you know, I don't trust him. But
I feel like, um, this is my second marriage. If
I don't allow some kind of something that I'll be
(28:18):
letting everyone down. My son comes and talks to me often, Mom,
Why aren't you trying to work it out with dad?
You know? UM, he tries to say things when when
him and my daughter have you know, conversations every now
and again. You know, I really I'm trying to do
better with you. But your mom won't let me you
(28:40):
know it, won't try to get us all back together
as a family. Wait a minute, Wait a minute, right there,
I want you to go to the nearest mina slap
the first person that's yours up in that name, that
would say to you that you have to consider being
(29:00):
back in a relationship with a person who has a
substance abuse issue that has been physically, verbally, psychologically, emotionally
abusive and attempted to sexually abuse your daughter. And somebody
would say to you you have to consider anybody else's feelings.
(29:22):
Please please slap that that um, the issue is somebody
needs to be slapped. That's the issue. I am. I
feel stuck in the middle, and I no longer want
to be stuck. Well, they make a decision, make a
(29:44):
decision right here, right now. I'm done. Done, So there
is no more conversation. There's no more conversation. But as
long as you even have a question about it in
your consciousness, it will continue to come up. Shut it down.
Not going to happen. Ever, maybe on the fifth of
(30:08):
never Weary, are you available? On that day? Are you available?
That's the day I will consider being back in intimate
loving live with you relationship on the fifth of Never Weary,
can you can you show up on that day? Please? Yeah,
because you think you're in the middle, you will even
(30:28):
consider entertaining it. And when he starts that, shut it down. No, no, no, no,
no no. Listen, beloved, your father is a beautiful soul,
blessed child of God. But there is no way that
we are ever going to be back together. Doesn't mean
we can't be a family. This is our new normal.
He's over there, well over here. So the work is
(30:48):
with me now, are y'all? Because I know in my
soul of souls that I don't want to be back.
But this is a second field marriage. That's not the
way you frame this. I am not choosing because choice
is your power. You girl, You don't got me heated
up over here. I am not choosing to be back.
(31:13):
But now I have to cut out all of the stuff,
my stuff, which is second film marriage. No no, no, no, no, no,
no stop stop stop. Let's go back to the mirror.
Let's go back to the mirror. There's a slapping. There's
a slapping. There is a slapping required here. It's not
a failed marriage. You made the wrong choice. Oops. That
(31:36):
didn't work. Let me try again. It's not a failed marriage.
What does a failed marriage? What does that mean? That
means that somehow you're wrong, or you're guilty or whatever.
Maybe you want to look at why you chose that
in the first place, maybe your choices or or where
you need to investigate. But you've made a wrong choice. Oops,
(31:59):
that didn't work. Can you say that? Let me hear
you say that that. I'll take that instead of a slap.
That didn't work. What was I thinking? Yeah? I was thinking, yeah,
oh my lord, let me get up out of it
this quick. Yeah. I bought this fabulous pair of shoes. Uh,
(32:19):
last month. They were sexy, they were on sale. I
brought them shoes. Yeah. And then I was going out
and I put them shoes on my feet, and I said, oops,
what was I thinking? Well, I can't go nowhere in
these shoes. I can't even walk out the closet in them.
Oh my lord, not do the received away and everything.
(32:41):
I took them right to the donation box and put
them right in their brand new ain't never warm. What
was I thinking? It cost me a little bit? Can
you hear me? It cost me a little bit, But
I am not gonna torture myself because I bought these
fabulous shoes that made my legs look sexy on sale
to make your behind right over there to the donation.
(33:01):
But can you hear me, lighten this thing up a
little bit? I hear you. I hear you. I hear you.
And when he starts that, when he says that to
your daughter, say wait a minute, let me step in
here and let me just say this. I'm gonna say
this to you, beloved, the fifth of denver weary. That's
(33:24):
when we're going to get back together, the fifth of
never wearing. And to your daughter, say, your father has
a beautiful soul, loving the death. I want you all
have a wonderful relationship, but I will not be in
relationship with your father the way we used to be.
We've got a new normal. Now he's over there, I'm
over here. Shut it down. Otherwise, a deceptive intelligence in
(33:46):
you will continue to make you wrong. And what if?
What if? What if you never get married again? Have
play dates, find you some nice, sweet little thing that
you can take to the red move in, and then
go what the hell? Now here's okay. Now here's the
(34:11):
second part. Here's the other side of this. I'm working
through my stuff, right, I'm working through my stuff. He's
going to he's going to further distance himself from the
children by his choice, not yours, his choice, not yours,
his choice, not yours. Did I mention that's his choice,
not yours? Did I mention that his choice not yours?
(34:34):
That's called emotional blackmail. Okay, So you're not doing what
he's wants you to do. So he's gonna threaten to
harm your children, he's their father. Yeah, Then he said
he'll move, He'll move to leave the state and leave
the country. Can you help him get the Trump? Can
you help him? So here I am, well, here I
(34:56):
am with these three kids, and um doing it on
my own, which I'm at about eight percent right now anyway.
And so that's the part that I'm cleaning up right now,
I'm cleaning up where I'll be. It's called court, family court,
it's called child support. Listen, I know I'm being hard
(35:19):
on this, brother, But if I heard you correctly, I
heard you say that this man who sired a child
with you and a drunken, stupid or a fit of insanity,
tried to sexually assault her. Is that did I hear
you say that you know me correct. He does not
(35:39):
give any benefit of the doubt. Love you mean it,
forgive you. I'm sorry, I'm I know I'm being hard
on him. Yeah, I'm That's why I left. I felt
like we left in the middle of the night, the
way we left about I left in the middle of
the night with three bags and three kids. I left
with three bags and three kids. Okay. Why because when he,
(36:01):
at six ft four two hundred and sixty pounds, picked
up a bed slat ready to hit me in my head,
and the Holy Spirit said to me, leave, leave now,
or he's gonna kill you. Oh my god. Okay. That's
when I laughed at two thirty in the morning with
three children and three bags of close okay. And I
(36:21):
never went back ever, didn't go back, you know, because
you can beat me, you can cheat on me, you
can't kill me. I don't give you permission to kill me. Okay.
Back then I had said, okay, I'm just gonna get beaten.
Back then is okay, he's just gonna cheat. But when
you start talking killing people, h no, I'm out. Yeah.
(36:44):
That was the straw and if sexual violation of his
own child is not the store for you. Go to
the mirror. It was strong, It's still the strong. I'm
just dealing because I don't want to be back with
this fool. But I um, you know, he's with the sun,
and I just I you know, I guess we'll have
(37:06):
to deal with whatever comes next. If it means he's
not going to be in their lives, and so be it.
He's blackmailing you. How do you deal with a blackmailer?
You call the police. Let me just say this to you.
Belove it. You can have what you want. You can
have a man that accepts you, loves you, respects you,
(37:30):
and values treasures and love your children. You can have that.
As soon as you believe it is possible. You can
have that because you can get you some shoes that
fit your feet. They're whipping on it and he'll be
right there. Okay. I want you to repeat this with me.
(37:50):
I pledge allegiance to myself. Say that I pledge allegiance
to myself that I will never accommodate or tolerate or
accept a man in my life who does not honor
the glory that I am, and I will not entertain
a man who poses a threat to my daughters. Yeah,
(38:17):
that's your pledge of allegiance. You start there. M hmm.
And stop talking to man. Don't listen to their conversations.
They talk out their neck, you know. I say, every
woman has a queen, and she has a princess, and
she has a wife, and she has a mother inside
(38:41):
of us every woman, there's a queen in there, there's
a mother in there, there's a wife in there, there's
a mistress in there, this a hole in there, and
there's a b I t c h in there. Two.
You need to put the b I t c h
in the throne right now? Do you get the until
you get the mother woman and the queen in order? Okay,
(39:03):
put her in the throne. Yeah, okay, I'm so glad
we talked. This has been very hopeful and clarifying. Yes,
I am too. Okay, tell me something you know now
that you didn't know when you call me. I always
need the answer. Um, you need to put some things
(39:23):
in perspective and be okay, and do give myself a
little bit more grace. Yeah, yeah, and put the bitch
in the throne. Put her in the throne. Put the
bit in the throne. Okay. So she will slack. Somebody
(39:51):
let me know how you make out, darling. Okay, okay,
you take good care, Thank you, Bye bye. Life is complicated,
It really really is. Let's just put that outfront. Life
is complicated for us as individuals. But then when you
drop children into the mix, when you are a parent,
(40:13):
life goes from challenging and difficult to mind boggling. Both
of my guests today have issues related to children. They
think the issues are really about them being clear and
believing that they can have what they want. So when
life throws a curveball your way and their children involved,
(40:37):
if you stop long enough to look at you first
and get clear about what you want and how can
you support, protect, and be responsible for your children in
the process, you get to the finish line a lot
quicker than if you just try to do what you
(40:58):
think needs to be done for the children. Children are
a blessing, but you, beloved, are your biggest blessing. Vote
for you first. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
and if you have a question about this or any
other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
(41:21):
seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now
be sure to follow me on social media for all
of the calling times and until then, stay in peace
and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more
(41:44):
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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