January 25, 2023 • 36 mins
In an episode all about shifting your perspective, Iyanla’s caller this week feels as though she’s the black sheep of the family, and can’t have a good relationship with her brother. After years of being mistreated and told she is always wrong, the caller is still afraid that if she lets go of the relationship, it may never heal. But to help guide the guest on the journey of acceptance, Iyanla shares a very personal story about her own relationship with her brother. Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins
Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani
Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
fact that I was not always good at making my
relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
the same person. In other words, I have seen a
lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
am here to share with you what I learned along
(00:23):
the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with I Heart Radio. I have a confession, and my
(00:48):
confession is this, I'm right and theyre wrong. I am
right and they are wrong always. Have you ever felt
that way? Have you ever felt that the person you
are looking at is just totally off their rocker because
(01:11):
they can't see it the way you see it, They
don't hear it the way you hear it, And when
you try to impose your rightness upon them, they go
into resistance and defense. Yeah, happens, happens all the time
in relationships. The way I think about it is this,
at the center of each of us, there's a core.
(01:35):
There's a thing. It's like an onion. People think that
it's the layers in the onion that make the onion stink.
Make the onion make you cry. No, no, no, no no.
It's that core all the way down deep inside that
makes your eyes run water when you cut that onion open.
(01:57):
And what we failed to realize is every onion smells different.
M We just think that onion is gonna make us
cry and it's gonna smell bad. No, every onion is different.
In other words, what's in your core it's not the
same as what's in somebody else's core. And while your
(02:18):
core makes you right, their core has a totally different scent,
which means they're gonna see it different, they're gonna feel
it different, they're gonna hear it different. Here's the thing.
You've got to understand that everybody has a right to
their core. Even if their core makes you wrong, it's
(02:43):
their core. And that's what my guest and I are
gonna talk about today. Why your core makes you right
and their core makes them right. Take a listen. Greetings Toamenka,
(03:04):
Welcome to the our spot. And what is your relationship challenge,
question issue dilemma today? Hi, Auntie Yanga, you're my auntie.
You just don't know it. Hi. I've been following you
finch back in in the meantime book. One day my
soldiers open, but I want to say thank you, thank you.
So I have a delemma with my brother. We're three
(03:25):
years apart. We've been very closed. My mom recently died
two years ago July thirty. UM, normally I'm the black
sheep of the family. My brother is kind of like
the golden shoud. It's always been like that. UM kind
of over that stuff. So it really doesn't matter. For
my mom died, we able to mend our relationship. I
(03:47):
was able to have an experience of actually having my
mom there, um which having my daughter five years ago,
almost six, a good years ago helped. UM. My mom
passed away during that time. It was very she got
sick two once in a hospital. UM. My brother was
beside me. He really didn't help much. He had just
moved back with the family from New York. UM after
(04:10):
she got a week later, he basically flipped everything. And
it was all my fault of basically leaving him out.
I assumed that he was just kind of mourning a
different way. Fast forward two years now, we live in
the same state, very close together, Maryland, my husband and him.
My husband tried to beat the middle person but I'm
(04:30):
to a point now I'm tired. I'm done. I love
my niece and nephew, my daughters a five month apart,
my sons a year apart. My father is still in
a picture. He's starting to see my mom started to
see before she died. But it is what it is.
They kind of created that person. Um. Right now, I'm
trying to find peace. I want to find peace. I
(04:51):
want to find true freedom. It hurts very bad, but
I know that that relationship one day come to something
whatever that's and comes. Um, but it hurts. I know
that he wants me to show that hurt. I know
he gets something good out of it. I don't really
like to show it. He's very passive aggressive. There are
times when my my husband recently has been invited to
(05:14):
their house for a football party. I asked him, I
boos asked them, were the wives the children invited? My
brother said, no, long story short, women and children were there.
My husband later talked to him about it three different times.
When brother just said he didn't know about it. He
kind of lies about it, brushes it over. Um. I
just auntie yalla. I'm just trying to buy people within
(05:35):
myself because I know that people like just what's gonna
happen throughout life, and I just want to be okay
with him. Okay, you're everything that you're saying. I'm just
a little confused. Yeah, I heard you say. I'm close
to my brother. I'm the black sheep, He's the golden
chop and mother got sick. Brother didn't help me. Yeah,
(06:01):
and now he I'm still trying to figure out what
happened when the sheep and the golden child got together.
What happened? Well, I thought we were close. I mean
I think at one point we probably were. He had
my face tattute on his arm years ago when his
late teams. But there were still underlying like as you say,
(06:25):
like you know, in high school and stuff, where like
I said, my brother he was the gold child to me,
goes always the one with the issues. I was the
one that kind of wanted truth and they kind of
pretended like things was one way when it wasn't. So
I always ruffled their feathers um still to this day
with my father's same thing. So I I understand that
I'm very straightforward, and I know that sometimes I've learned
(06:48):
that a lot of people do not like that about me.
Um uh, my mom. He got to know me once
my daughter was born because she wanted to have relationship
with my daughter. A lot of times he or she
would just cut me off if I didn't like if
she didn't like what I said or didn't like that
I did something. So when my daughter came in the picture,
(07:09):
it got to the point where we may had an issue,
but we were able to get through it. We were
able to speak our truth, but then moved past it.
She didn't like cut me off. So I guess throughout
the years, I thought that I had this real issue
with my brother. But I'm starting to see when I
look at myself and look back, I never asked him
(07:29):
if anything. I just was being a big sister, always
helping and being there for him, covering him, protecting him.
But I guess somehow in the mix, I'm starting to
see that maybe this is how he really felt about
me all along. How does he feel about it? I
really don't know, because meek oh, I know you were
(07:51):
gonna do that to me. My experience with him it
has been that he's he doesn't like he's just like
my we were raised, you know, It's kind of like
we looked like the Coffee family, but behind closed doors,
you know to because you're the issue. You're the problem
anything if there's something between them, till I become the problem,
(08:12):
even if I'm not the problem. Okay, so let me
answer this. What made you the black sheet? Where did
you get that from? Because that's old? Uh, it's I'm
the black sheet because okay, I'm the black sheet because
I like to really speak truth. I want to get
to the core of an issue. Um, they like to
(08:34):
keep on the surface. M hm um. What else? I'm
the black sheet because oh, I'm the black sheet because
Tomka doesn't know anythings, so I'm dumb. I'm stupid. Is
that it? Okay? They think they know me, but they
(08:56):
really don't really know me. And I've all can say
it's say got that before my mom died, for those
six five years almost she was able to know me,
she was able to know who I was, and the
relationship became different. Um, I really, I hope I don't
sound like I'm the victim because I'm really not trying
to play a victim role. But no, you're not the victim.
You're the black sheet. You now, what makes him the
(09:18):
golden child? Because because he's PJ, like that's his nickname,
but he's he. Whatever he says, it's golden. You know,
like Nika has been working in marketing, communications and TV
production for years, but he comes in and he has
done something in marketing as well, which is still good.
But because it's him, Oh, it seals the deal. It
(09:41):
has gold on it, it has it shimmers with gold.
Whatever he says, it just comes out to fruition Tanika. Um,
he kind of ruffles that feathers that makes us feel
quite uncomfortable. Is it possibly because he's the baby? Um,
it could be. I mean, it definitely could be. I
(10:02):
would say, like in high school and stuff, it was
the same way, Like, for example, got to the point
where if I needed a ride to Waldorf to go
to work, Um, I had to pay him for gas money. Um,
and he had a car and my car was down.
I pay my parents for gasney. So it's kind of
like I can't. It's kind of like they would do
things for him, but they would not do it for
me because you're stupid. You are stupid enough to give
(10:24):
your brother gas money. You know. It's like it's kind
of like, well, I would have to do it for
my parents, it's kind of like him. It was different.
They didn't have them to shoot with him. For some reason.
They gave him. He gave them a comfortable ride, I guess.
But for me, I I did not make them feel comfortable.
I guess that's how I would. I would definitely look
at that. Yeah, m hm. And because he's the baby,
(10:47):
and because that's because they saw themselves in him. So
they would both say, oh, you know, your brother's like me. Yeah,
your brother's like me. The mom would say that, Dad
would say that your brothers like me, you're like your mother,
you're like your father. I'm the one that I don't
really want. They see things in me that that I
guess remind them of the other spouse. And you know
(11:09):
I was the one they didn't want. Wow, that's deep,
and that's in your heart. I'm the one they didn't want.
They wanted him. They don't want me. Now he doesn't
want me. Kind of Yeah. I thought that once my
mom died, it was like the spirit of what I
(11:32):
saw from my mom years ago, of secting God to
to have another relationship with her. And once I was
able to get it, God run, It's then that feeling
of not being good enough. It's certain, well your mother
(11:58):
raised him, so all of those old ideas that she
may have had about you, about you being the black
sheet ruffling the feathers, everything is your fault. That's your
job to fix it. Maybe she didn't get a chance
to correct that in his hard drive before she left
it and she saw it. Yeah, so that's where he's
(12:20):
operating from. I'm trying to go back there in the
past until the drive, but that's where you live. You
everything you said, you talked to me about high school,
you talk to me about being a teenager. You didn't
talk to me anything about present day. You are in
the past, and that's why you're experiencing what you're experiencing,
(12:43):
because you you bring in the past with you into
this current moment. Well, I feel like every time I
feel like I've learned something or grown or for gate
to another level, than life comes in and it takes
me back. Like I felt like I was able to
have a level of protection where I lived my life
before I had kids, before I got married, I lived
my life and I waited until thirties six years because
(13:04):
I wasn't really sure if I wanted kids I wasn't
really sure. I want to get married, and I feel
like I had a level of protection there, and then
I didn't read it. Then I have kids, and then
it's like, I'm so family oriented that, you know, I
want my family to be connected, and so, you know
where I didn't go to the house that my father
lives in today because I was raised in it and
to me, it didn't feel like a home and bring
(13:25):
back very bad memories. But I was willing to look
past that because I wanted my children to have relationship
with my father. You know, Like, I don't know. I
think I had a decent life. I think I was
psychologically emotionally abused, and I think they did what they
thought was the best at the time. But it seems
like because of having these kids and happening a husband,
(13:47):
it's it's opening up doors that I can no longer control,
and it's made me so vulnerable and bringing back things
that I thought that I had handled, but now I
have to handle on a different level. And I don't
know what to do, and I just want people with
them myself because I know that I can't control no
one else with me. Take a breath, we'll talk more.
(14:08):
About it when we come back. Welcome back. I am
y'm lt. This is the our spot. Do you cook? Yes?
Have you ever cut an onion? And when you cut
an onion in half? What do you see? Uh? Sometimes
(14:30):
it's sometimes you have a white sometimes a very strong
smell that can make you cry mm hmm. But do
you see the layers? If you cut an onion and
has that skin on it, right, and you peel that
skin off, that's on the surface, now you've got this
little white ball. And if you feel that off, it's
(14:52):
over there and it's doing its thing. But you still
got a little white ball. So baby, you are just
peeling layers. And under every layer doesn't mean that the
piece that you peeled off isn't good and useful. It
just means you've got some more layers to go through.
That's all that means. I'll be finished with the layers. Well,
(15:14):
I'm seventy. I'm seventy, and I still got the brown
skin on the outside of my onion nests years old.
Reading your books, I thought learning to Forgive, I thought
I was forgiving, But I guess you know, we'll see.
You may have done the forgiveness work, but you haven't
experienced forgiveness yet. There's a difference in doing the work
(15:39):
of forgiveness and experiencing forgiveness. What do you mean, had
you truly experienced forgiveness? Meaning get deep down in there,
go to the core of the onion, because that's where
the stink is. That's what makes you cry. It's not
the layers, it's the core. The core is what makes
you cry. And if you get down in there, deep enough,
(16:04):
down into the stink of it, you experience, Oh, okay,
that's who they were, that's how they were, that's who
I was, That's how I was. This is who they are,
and that's how they are. This is who I am,
(16:25):
And it's all okay, it's all okay. That's what the
experience of forgiveness is. Let me tell you about my brother,
my older brother. He was sixteen, cross, addicted to drugs
and alcohol, brilliant, beautiful man, but his core was so stinky,
(16:47):
his relationship with my father, his his image of himself.
And I was the baby, and I was the healthiest
one in the room most of the time. So, like you,
it was always my job to fix stuff. But I
was also stupid. I was also dumb, I also ruffled
feathers because I was clairvoyant and clear audience, and I
(17:08):
could see through their shenanigations. And I had the misguided
gift of speaking it out loud stead of keeping my
durn mouth shut. So all through his life, I was
always saving my brother, picking him up, bringing him to
live with me, blah blah blah blah blah. He would
(17:31):
call me every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, every New Year, sometime
on my birthday, high as a kite or drunk, either one,
and want to rehash our childhood. And I had done
my work, so I didn't see my father the way
he did. I didn't see our upbringing the way he did.
(17:52):
So one year I said to him, if the only
thing you wanna do is call me and talk about
Daddy and Aunt Nancy and all of these people, I
don't call me, don't call me and ruin my Christmas,
my Thanksgiving, in my birthday, but these stories because I
don't see it like that. He said, you know, you
(18:14):
so stupid, get on my nerves and he hung up,
and I didn't see my brother for five years. Five years.
How did that make you feel? How did it make
me feel? Initially? I was angry that he couldn't see
it the way I saw it, and then I was
(18:35):
hurt that he didn't appreciate all that I had given
to him and done for him. And then I got
clear that it wasn't about him, it was about me.
And then I did my work, and over the course
of the five years, I got to the place where
I said, my brother is an addict, my brother is
(18:58):
a wounded little boy, and I will I will never
understand the depth of his pay All I can do
is have compassion for him. And then I got to
the point where I could say, I love my brother
just as he is. Nothing about him needs to change.
(19:19):
Because I experienced forgiveness, not of him, but of myself.
And then one day, it was his birthday, March thirty one,
two thousand two. On his birthday, my mother raised us.
We never worked on our birthday. He went out on
his birthday and got high and had a heart attack
(19:42):
on the eve of his fiftieth birthday. I had experience forgiveness,
and I accepted my brother just as he was for
who he was, and made the choices about how I
was going to participate in our relationship. He could ask
me anything and I would give it to him, but
I wouldn't put money in his hands. Can you hear me? Yeah,
(20:08):
you got to accept your brother just as he is,
but who he is, and choose to participate or not.
Your mother raised him with some distorted ideas about you
and never got to heal that in his hard drive
before she left. So he's functioning with some distorted ideas
(20:30):
and the only way those are going to change is
if he chooses to change them, and if you are
willing to make the effort to let him know who
you are today. It's not who you were as a teenager. Uh.
Like I'm compelling in my head because I'm thinking, like
I thought we had this relationship. I thought we had
(20:51):
this closeness. But now that go back, I look at
it as I did a lot of things for him,
and I'm quite sure that he was appreciative of it.
But I never asked or anything from him because I'm
not just never did no reason why. So I feel
like I'm mourning the loss of the relationship that I
(21:12):
thought it happened. Maybe I just never really had it.
I just cleared in my head. I yeah, that is
quite common that we're having a relationship with somebody that's
different than the relationship they are having with us, and
you spoke it right out of your mouth. You did
a lot of things for him because it was your
fault and it was your job to fix it. That
(21:33):
was the role you chose in the family. It was
your fault. He's the golden child. I'm the black sheet, right,
and it's my job to fix it. He never asked
you for that stuff, but he asked you for some
gas money. Yeah, you're holding him responsible for what you
made up and what you did based on the chip
(21:55):
in your hard drive. I'm the black sheet, piece of
golden child. It's my fault, my job to fix it,
based on your role in the family. Of course, he
doesn't know who you are now because you haven't shown up.
It's who you are now you're showing up is who
he knew you to be as a teenager. And I
kind of said things like that when I saw certain things,
but it was more so it was just a lie.
(22:18):
And then it then after that it's like, Okay, I
don't want to go in the argument of old you're lying.
I know you're lying. You know you know him not. No,
I'm not like I don't do that, So I just like, Okay,
I leave alone because it's like I can't make someone
be honest with me, they won't to be honest with me.
Honesty isn't based on your perception of what's going on,
even though you know the line though, but maybe it's
(22:38):
not a lie in their brain. Maybe it's not a
lie to him, Okay. And it's not so much what
you say, beloved, it's how you say it, how you
say it. In the minute you make somebody wrong, they're
gonna go on the defensive. And once they become defensive,
(23:00):
you know, you're like shocked because I'm like, you're on
the defensive and nobody is even attacking you, but you
are in your speaking because you're functioning from the black
sheep posture, and whatever your position is in the matter,
it's going to determine how you see it. Okay, So
(23:21):
what do we do now? We'll talk about that right
after this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's
get back to the conversation. It could very well be
that you're having, you had a relationship with him that
(23:42):
he's not having with you. Yeah, because I mean, it's
like the little things that they put their pictures up
family beaud in the wall, and I was like, hey,
my husbands like any of the pictures. And three years
later then they bought a house, they added more pictures
and still no pictures, but they added more other people.
But did you ask him? Did you forget the to
with Boo Boo in it? Whatever your husbands you forgot
(24:04):
to picture with Boo in it? No? I didn't ask.
But why is that important to you that your brother
doesn't have a picture on his wall in his house
with your husband in it? Why is that important? I
guess it was important because it's important because it's like, honestly,
it's like a it's a fake and phony thing, and
I wanted to be not fake and phony judgment, judgment.
(24:27):
It's not important to him, so why should he put
it on the wall in his house. It's not important
to him. It's important to you, it's not important to him.
So in essence, my love, you're doing the very same
thing to him that he does to you. You make
what's important to you his priority. Well, I'm trying to
(24:49):
figure out where my place is and I and see
to meet me. Because it's so fake, it's so phony,
it's like, from your perspective, it's fake in phony to you.
From your perspective. It was crazy to me that my
brother would stick a needleful of heroine in his arm.
(25:09):
I don't even drink. That was freaking insane to me
that my brother, this beautiful, brilliant man who could add
columns and columns of numbers in his head. He was
a mathematical genius, and he would put a heroine his art.
So from where I'm sitting, that is crazy. But I
(25:31):
didn't know what was in the core of his onion.
I didn't know. No, I don't know what doc So
I had to stop expecting his onion the smell like
my on what happened to other people, that's because you're
(25:52):
taking on. Like I said, I made a simple request
of my brother, don't call here talking that. I don't
want to hear it more. He didn't want to hear
that from me, so he hung up and separated himself
for five years. So be it. You can't have it
both ways. You can't stand in what you value and
(26:14):
then expect other people to line up with it if
they don't value the same things. I just I just
thought that when you generally care for someone and you
want that relationship with that person. You all can sometimes
agree to disagree. You have a talk so you all
can come to a common ground. But that may not
be what he wants, or it may not be the
(26:36):
way he wants it. And it's okay. I want you
to you do. You have a pencil and a piece
of paper, write this down. I want you to write
down two things. First thing, I'm a spell it for you,
okay as E now f that's the first word. Second word,
(27:03):
are I gee age t e? Oh you else? What
does that spell? Selfrighteous? Uh? Huh? Makes you blind? Ah? Yeah?
(27:24):
Now you think that everybody sees it the way you
see it, baby, they don't. He's got a maulthfunction in
his hard drive based on the way you'll were raised.
You've grown up, done some work, stretched and but you're
still a functioning from that place, and you think everybody's
gonna see it the way you see it. They don't.
Your mother didn't, your father doesn't, he doesn't, your brother.
(27:47):
I don't mean to be selfrights. Well, just something for
you to consider. Just that's not a bad thing. It's
not a bad thing. It's based on our next word. Okay,
write this down. What is my now, I'm a spell
this word? P oh s I t I oh? And
(28:14):
what is my what? What is my position? Position? What
is my position? Am I being self righteous? Am I
expecting somebody to see it the way I see it?
Do I think my opinion is better than theirs? Are
stronger than theirs? Am I trying to get them to
see when I see? Well, yeah, you've got to ask
(28:36):
those things. I get it. Yeah, I guess I it
being so righteous because I thought that the love was
the same moment. We were both in the same level
of having that love and relationship that I thought that
we had years ago, and that now that we're married
and we have kids that were close in age, and
because we're in the same state and we grew up
(28:59):
with a big family being closed, I thought that he
would want the same things. Have you ever asked us no?
Because things kind of stay on the surface. Mm hmmm.
Because he seems like if I go below the surface,
ruffle fea kind of tired of ruferences. Who appointed you
to be the surface digger? Nobody asked you to go
(29:22):
belowd beneath the surface. It's just who I am. I
like to stay below the surface. But I'm trying to
I've learned, I guess in my early dirties that I
go quite deep sometimes and sometimes you're gonna want to
go deep, and so I'm I'm trying to learn to
stay on the surface to me, because some people just
don't want that deepness. Yeah, but that self righteousness. I
(29:45):
go deep and they want to stay on the surface.
How about it. I have a different consciousness than they do.
What's my position? I'm looking straight up with my hands
outreached and they're looking out their left eye with one
hand in their pocket. Not right, not wrong, not good,
not bad, just different. You call it deep and surface.
(30:06):
Yes I thought I was respecting them. No, you're calling
it surface. And it may just be their capacity based
on what's in their hard drive. You call it surface
and deep. It may just be about capacity. Oh God, okay,
oh God is right. Let me tell you something you
(30:27):
want to talk about deep. I can sit in a
room with people and read them like a book, tell
you what color draws they got on and who they're screwing,
and what they did and when they lie in and
telling you. You can't go around talking to people like
that because compassionately. I know they're at their capacity. This
is what they can handle. Not right, not wrong. Everybody
(30:50):
isn't clear voyant. Everybody doesn't have the gift to that.
So I'm not going to impose my perspective on everybody.
I get to choose. Wow. I look at things with
my parents from the past. They did what they thought
was best at that moment. You know, at that point
(31:11):
into that way, I didn't, you know. I was trying
to find ways to not carry that on and look
at them as being human too, because they had to.
They had their own separate journey. Respect their capacity and
don't be righteous about where you are, and don't see
them as less that, and don't see you as more
(31:33):
than don't see them as wrong or right. Write this down.
I s underlining that what is not what I want,
what it should be, what I think it should be,
what they should be doing. No, no, no, this is
what it is. It is this I'm having a relationship
(31:55):
with my brother that he is not having with me. Okay,
let me see what kind of relationship he is happen
with me, and let me shift my position or what
how I want to participate. This work is your work
to do belove it. I really want you to look
at self righteousness, not from a condemnation. I want you
(32:18):
to look at how you think or how you may
expect people to see everything the way you see it,
do it the way you do it, feel it the
way you feel it. That's a form of self righteousness.
Whenever you get in that place, look at, Okay, what
is my position? What am I saying should be happening,
What am I saying isn't happening. What am I thinking
(32:39):
they're doing? What is my position? Because your position is
going to determine how you see the experience. And then
I want you to learn to look at what is
going on and make a clear choice about how you
want to participate, if you want to participate. Because I
(33:00):
hear everything that you're saying. But I got two things
in mind. Your brother has a malfunction in the chip
in his hard drive as it relates to you, and
that you function from the position of he's the golden child,
you're the black sheep. It's your fault and it's your
job to fix everything and finally be willing to let
(33:23):
five years go. And you don't speak to your father, Well,
I'm afraid that I'm afraid that if I just let go,
let it like let go meaning of of the outcome
of it, what happened, and it hurts me to my court,
Well let it hurt and weep about it, cry about it,
(33:44):
and then forgive yourself, not your brother, yourself, forgive yourself
for making stuff up. Work with those things that I've
given you. And I promise you if you if you
shift everything that's gonna shift and stop being the durn
black sheet. Go get your red dress or something. I'll
(34:06):
do that. I'm gonna look at how I see myself. Um,
I'll figure that out. Because I feel uncomfortable around them,
my brother, my father, I do. I don't feel safe,
so I do put a burial on one. I guess
when I get around them, it's like I have to
put this kind of armor one to protect myself emotionally
from them. Well, no, wonder they can't get in to
(34:27):
learn who you are today? Well yeah, wow, do some work.
Give me a call in a couple of weeks and
let me know how you're doing. Thank you. I will, okay, sweetie,
all right, and go back to forgiveness. Go back to
that book. Thank yo. There are two important things to
(34:53):
understand when we're experiencing a breakdown or some level of
discord in and even relationship. The first thing is this,
your position in the matter will determine how you perceive
the matter, how you stand in the matter, how you
address the matter. Your position determines your perspective. That's number one.
(35:18):
Here's number two. It's all about you, boo. It's all
about you. It's always about you, no matter what is
going on. The other person may never change. The other
person may never see it your way even though you're right.
But if you don't shift your position about the need
(35:40):
to be right, about seeing it your way about what
they need to do. If you're not willing to shift
your position, that doesn't have anything to do with them.
It's all about you, and the discord will continue until
you and or your piss. Yes. I hope this has
(36:02):
been helpful to someone, and if you have a question
about this or any other relationship issue, you can call
me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven
seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on
social media for all of the calling times and until then,
stay in peace and not pieces. The r Spot is
(36:29):
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I heart Radio.
For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I heart
Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
fact that I was not always good at making my
relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
the same person. In other words, I have seen a
lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
am here to share with you what I learned along
(00:23):
the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with I Heart Radio. I have a confession, and my
(00:48):
confession is this, I'm right and theyre wrong. I am
right and they are wrong always. Have you ever felt
that way? Have you ever felt that the person you
are looking at is just totally off their rocker because
(01:11):
they can't see it the way you see it, They
don't hear it the way you hear it, And when
you try to impose your rightness upon them, they go
into resistance and defense. Yeah, happens, happens all the time
in relationships. The way I think about it is this,
at the center of each of us, there's a core.
(01:35):
There's a thing. It's like an onion. People think that
it's the layers in the onion that make the onion stink.
Make the onion make you cry. No, no, no, no no.
It's that core all the way down deep inside that
makes your eyes run water when you cut that onion open.
(01:57):
And what we failed to realize is every onion smells different.
M We just think that onion is gonna make us
cry and it's gonna smell bad. No, every onion is different.
In other words, what's in your core it's not the
same as what's in somebody else's core. And while your
(02:18):
core makes you right, their core has a totally different scent,
which means they're gonna see it different, they're gonna feel
it different, they're gonna hear it different. Here's the thing.
You've got to understand that everybody has a right to
their core. Even if their core makes you wrong, it's
(02:43):
their core. And that's what my guest and I are
gonna talk about today. Why your core makes you right
and their core makes them right. Take a listen. Greetings Toamenka,
(03:04):
Welcome to the our spot. And what is your relationship challenge,
question issue dilemma today? Hi, Auntie Yanga, you're my auntie.
You just don't know it. Hi. I've been following you
finch back in in the meantime book. One day my
soldiers open, but I want to say thank you, thank you.
So I have a delemma with my brother. We're three
(03:25):
years apart. We've been very closed. My mom recently died
two years ago July thirty. UM, normally I'm the black
sheep of the family. My brother is kind of like
the golden shoud. It's always been like that. UM kind
of over that stuff. So it really doesn't matter. For
my mom died, we able to mend our relationship. I
(03:47):
was able to have an experience of actually having my
mom there, um which having my daughter five years ago,
almost six, a good years ago helped. UM. My mom
passed away during that time. It was very she got
sick two once in a hospital. UM. My brother was
beside me. He really didn't help much. He had just
moved back with the family from New York. UM after
(04:10):
she got a week later, he basically flipped everything. And
it was all my fault of basically leaving him out.
I assumed that he was just kind of mourning a
different way. Fast forward two years now, we live in
the same state, very close together, Maryland, my husband and him.
My husband tried to beat the middle person but I'm
(04:30):
to a point now I'm tired. I'm done. I love
my niece and nephew, my daughters a five month apart,
my sons a year apart. My father is still in
a picture. He's starting to see my mom started to
see before she died. But it is what it is.
They kind of created that person. Um. Right now, I'm
trying to find peace. I want to find peace. I
(04:51):
want to find true freedom. It hurts very bad, but
I know that that relationship one day come to something
whatever that's and comes. Um, but it hurts. I know
that he wants me to show that hurt. I know
he gets something good out of it. I don't really
like to show it. He's very passive aggressive. There are
times when my my husband recently has been invited to
(05:14):
their house for a football party. I asked him, I
boos asked them, were the wives the children invited? My
brother said, no, long story short, women and children were there.
My husband later talked to him about it three different times.
When brother just said he didn't know about it. He
kind of lies about it, brushes it over. Um. I
just auntie yalla. I'm just trying to buy people within
(05:35):
myself because I know that people like just what's gonna
happen throughout life, and I just want to be okay
with him. Okay, you're everything that you're saying. I'm just
a little confused. Yeah, I heard you say. I'm close
to my brother. I'm the black sheep, He's the golden
chop and mother got sick. Brother didn't help me. Yeah,
(06:01):
and now he I'm still trying to figure out what
happened when the sheep and the golden child got together.
What happened? Well, I thought we were close. I mean
I think at one point we probably were. He had
my face tattute on his arm years ago when his
late teams. But there were still underlying like as you say,
(06:25):
like you know, in high school and stuff, where like
I said, my brother he was the gold child to me,
goes always the one with the issues. I was the
one that kind of wanted truth and they kind of
pretended like things was one way when it wasn't. So
I always ruffled their feathers um still to this day
with my father's same thing. So I I understand that
I'm very straightforward, and I know that sometimes I've learned
(06:48):
that a lot of people do not like that about me.
Um uh, my mom. He got to know me once
my daughter was born because she wanted to have relationship
with my daughter. A lot of times he or she
would just cut me off if I didn't like if
she didn't like what I said or didn't like that
I did something. So when my daughter came in the picture,
(07:09):
it got to the point where we may had an issue,
but we were able to get through it. We were
able to speak our truth, but then moved past it.
She didn't like cut me off. So I guess throughout
the years, I thought that I had this real issue
with my brother. But I'm starting to see when I
look at myself and look back, I never asked him
(07:29):
if anything. I just was being a big sister, always
helping and being there for him, covering him, protecting him.
But I guess somehow in the mix, I'm starting to
see that maybe this is how he really felt about
me all along. How does he feel about it? I
really don't know, because meek oh, I know you were
(07:51):
gonna do that to me. My experience with him it
has been that he's he doesn't like he's just like
my we were raised, you know, It's kind of like
we looked like the Coffee family, but behind closed doors,
you know to because you're the issue. You're the problem
anything if there's something between them, till I become the problem,
(08:12):
even if I'm not the problem. Okay, so let me
answer this. What made you the black sheet? Where did
you get that from? Because that's old? Uh, it's I'm
the black sheet because okay, I'm the black sheet because
I like to really speak truth. I want to get
to the core of an issue. Um, they like to
(08:34):
keep on the surface. M hm um. What else? I'm
the black sheet because oh, I'm the black sheet because
Tomka doesn't know anythings, so I'm dumb. I'm stupid. Is
that it? Okay? They think they know me, but they
(08:56):
really don't really know me. And I've all can say
it's say got that before my mom died, for those
six five years almost she was able to know me,
she was able to know who I was, and the
relationship became different. Um, I really, I hope I don't
sound like I'm the victim because I'm really not trying
to play a victim role. But no, you're not the victim.
You're the black sheet. You now, what makes him the
(09:18):
golden child? Because because he's PJ, like that's his nickname,
but he's he. Whatever he says, it's golden. You know,
like Nika has been working in marketing, communications and TV
production for years, but he comes in and he has
done something in marketing as well, which is still good.
But because it's him, Oh, it seals the deal. It
(09:41):
has gold on it, it has it shimmers with gold.
Whatever he says, it just comes out to fruition Tanika. Um,
he kind of ruffles that feathers that makes us feel
quite uncomfortable. Is it possibly because he's the baby? Um,
it could be. I mean, it definitely could be. I
(10:02):
would say, like in high school and stuff, it was
the same way, Like, for example, got to the point
where if I needed a ride to Waldorf to go
to work, Um, I had to pay him for gas money. Um,
and he had a car and my car was down.
I pay my parents for gasney. So it's kind of
like I can't. It's kind of like they would do
things for him, but they would not do it for
me because you're stupid. You are stupid enough to give
(10:24):
your brother gas money. You know. It's like it's kind
of like, well, I would have to do it for
my parents, it's kind of like him. It was different.
They didn't have them to shoot with him. For some reason.
They gave him. He gave them a comfortable ride, I guess.
But for me, I I did not make them feel comfortable.
I guess that's how I would. I would definitely look
at that. Yeah, m hm. And because he's the baby,
(10:47):
and because that's because they saw themselves in him. So
they would both say, oh, you know, your brother's like me. Yeah,
your brother's like me. The mom would say that, Dad
would say that your brothers like me, you're like your mother,
you're like your father. I'm the one that I don't
really want. They see things in me that that I
guess remind them of the other spouse. And you know
(11:09):
I was the one they didn't want. Wow, that's deep,
and that's in your heart. I'm the one they didn't want.
They wanted him. They don't want me. Now he doesn't
want me. Kind of Yeah. I thought that once my
mom died, it was like the spirit of what I
(11:32):
saw from my mom years ago, of secting God to
to have another relationship with her. And once I was
able to get it, God run, It's then that feeling
of not being good enough. It's certain, well your mother
(11:58):
raised him, so all of those old ideas that she
may have had about you, about you being the black
sheet ruffling the feathers, everything is your fault. That's your
job to fix it. Maybe she didn't get a chance
to correct that in his hard drive before she left
it and she saw it. Yeah, so that's where he's
(12:20):
operating from. I'm trying to go back there in the
past until the drive, but that's where you live. You
everything you said, you talked to me about high school,
you talk to me about being a teenager. You didn't
talk to me anything about present day. You are in
the past, and that's why you're experiencing what you're experiencing,
(12:43):
because you you bring in the past with you into
this current moment. Well, I feel like every time I
feel like I've learned something or grown or for gate
to another level, than life comes in and it takes
me back. Like I felt like I was able to
have a level of protection where I lived my life
before I had kids, before I got married, I lived
my life and I waited until thirties six years because
(13:04):
I wasn't really sure if I wanted kids I wasn't
really sure. I want to get married, and I feel
like I had a level of protection there, and then
I didn't read it. Then I have kids, and then
it's like, I'm so family oriented that, you know, I
want my family to be connected, and so, you know
where I didn't go to the house that my father
lives in today because I was raised in it and
to me, it didn't feel like a home and bring
(13:25):
back very bad memories. But I was willing to look
past that because I wanted my children to have relationship
with my father. You know, Like, I don't know. I
think I had a decent life. I think I was
psychologically emotionally abused, and I think they did what they
thought was the best at the time. But it seems
like because of having these kids and happening a husband,
(13:47):
it's it's opening up doors that I can no longer control,
and it's made me so vulnerable and bringing back things
that I thought that I had handled, but now I
have to handle on a different level. And I don't
know what to do, and I just want people with
them myself because I know that I can't control no
one else with me. Take a breath, we'll talk more.
(14:08):
About it when we come back. Welcome back. I am
y'm lt. This is the our spot. Do you cook? Yes?
Have you ever cut an onion? And when you cut
an onion in half? What do you see? Uh? Sometimes
(14:30):
it's sometimes you have a white sometimes a very strong
smell that can make you cry mm hmm. But do
you see the layers? If you cut an onion and
has that skin on it, right, and you peel that
skin off, that's on the surface, now you've got this
little white ball. And if you feel that off, it's
(14:52):
over there and it's doing its thing. But you still
got a little white ball. So baby, you are just
peeling layers. And under every layer doesn't mean that the
piece that you peeled off isn't good and useful. It
just means you've got some more layers to go through.
That's all that means. I'll be finished with the layers. Well,
(15:14):
I'm seventy. I'm seventy, and I still got the brown
skin on the outside of my onion nests years old.
Reading your books, I thought learning to Forgive, I thought
I was forgiving, But I guess you know, we'll see.
You may have done the forgiveness work, but you haven't
experienced forgiveness yet. There's a difference in doing the work
(15:39):
of forgiveness and experiencing forgiveness. What do you mean, had
you truly experienced forgiveness? Meaning get deep down in there,
go to the core of the onion, because that's where
the stink is. That's what makes you cry. It's not
the layers, it's the core. The core is what makes
you cry. And if you get down in there, deep enough,
(16:04):
down into the stink of it, you experience, Oh, okay,
that's who they were, that's how they were, that's who
I was, That's how I was. This is who they are,
and that's how they are. This is who I am,
(16:25):
And it's all okay, it's all okay. That's what the
experience of forgiveness is. Let me tell you about my brother,
my older brother. He was sixteen, cross, addicted to drugs
and alcohol, brilliant, beautiful man, but his core was so stinky,
(16:47):
his relationship with my father, his his image of himself.
And I was the baby, and I was the healthiest
one in the room most of the time. So, like you,
it was always my job to fix stuff. But I
was also stupid. I was also dumb, I also ruffled
feathers because I was clairvoyant and clear audience, and I
(17:08):
could see through their shenanigations. And I had the misguided
gift of speaking it out loud stead of keeping my
durn mouth shut. So all through his life, I was
always saving my brother, picking him up, bringing him to
live with me, blah blah blah blah blah. He would
(17:31):
call me every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, every New Year, sometime
on my birthday, high as a kite or drunk, either one,
and want to rehash our childhood. And I had done
my work, so I didn't see my father the way
he did. I didn't see our upbringing the way he did.
(17:52):
So one year I said to him, if the only
thing you wanna do is call me and talk about
Daddy and Aunt Nancy and all of these people, I
don't call me, don't call me and ruin my Christmas,
my Thanksgiving, in my birthday, but these stories because I
don't see it like that. He said, you know, you
(18:14):
so stupid, get on my nerves and he hung up,
and I didn't see my brother for five years. Five years.
How did that make you feel? How did it make
me feel? Initially? I was angry that he couldn't see
it the way I saw it, and then I was
(18:35):
hurt that he didn't appreciate all that I had given
to him and done for him. And then I got
clear that it wasn't about him, it was about me.
And then I did my work, and over the course
of the five years, I got to the place where
I said, my brother is an addict, my brother is
(18:58):
a wounded little boy, and I will I will never
understand the depth of his pay All I can do
is have compassion for him. And then I got to
the point where I could say, I love my brother
just as he is. Nothing about him needs to change.
(19:19):
Because I experienced forgiveness, not of him, but of myself.
And then one day, it was his birthday, March thirty one,
two thousand two. On his birthday, my mother raised us.
We never worked on our birthday. He went out on
his birthday and got high and had a heart attack
(19:42):
on the eve of his fiftieth birthday. I had experience forgiveness,
and I accepted my brother just as he was for
who he was, and made the choices about how I
was going to participate in our relationship. He could ask
me anything and I would give it to him, but
I wouldn't put money in his hands. Can you hear me? Yeah,
(20:08):
you got to accept your brother just as he is,
but who he is, and choose to participate or not.
Your mother raised him with some distorted ideas about you
and never got to heal that in his hard drive
before she left. So he's functioning with some distorted ideas
(20:30):
and the only way those are going to change is
if he chooses to change them, and if you are
willing to make the effort to let him know who
you are today. It's not who you were as a teenager. Uh.
Like I'm compelling in my head because I'm thinking, like
I thought we had this relationship. I thought we had
(20:51):
this closeness. But now that go back, I look at
it as I did a lot of things for him,
and I'm quite sure that he was appreciative of it.
But I never asked or anything from him because I'm
not just never did no reason why. So I feel
like I'm mourning the loss of the relationship that I
(21:12):
thought it happened. Maybe I just never really had it.
I just cleared in my head. I yeah, that is
quite common that we're having a relationship with somebody that's
different than the relationship they are having with us, and
you spoke it right out of your mouth. You did
a lot of things for him because it was your
fault and it was your job to fix it. That
(21:33):
was the role you chose in the family. It was
your fault. He's the golden child. I'm the black sheet, right,
and it's my job to fix it. He never asked
you for that stuff, but he asked you for some
gas money. Yeah, you're holding him responsible for what you
made up and what you did based on the chip
(21:55):
in your hard drive. I'm the black sheet, piece of
golden child. It's my fault, my job to fix it,
based on your role in the family. Of course, he
doesn't know who you are now because you haven't shown up.
It's who you are now you're showing up is who
he knew you to be as a teenager. And I
kind of said things like that when I saw certain things,
but it was more so it was just a lie.
(22:18):
And then it then after that it's like, Okay, I
don't want to go in the argument of old you're lying.
I know you're lying. You know you know him not. No,
I'm not like I don't do that, So I just like, Okay,
I leave alone because it's like I can't make someone
be honest with me, they won't to be honest with me.
Honesty isn't based on your perception of what's going on,
even though you know the line though, but maybe it's
(22:38):
not a lie in their brain. Maybe it's not a
lie to him, Okay. And it's not so much what
you say, beloved, it's how you say it, how you
say it. In the minute you make somebody wrong, they're
gonna go on the defensive. And once they become defensive,
(23:00):
you know, you're like shocked because I'm like, you're on
the defensive and nobody is even attacking you, but you
are in your speaking because you're functioning from the black
sheep posture, and whatever your position is in the matter,
it's going to determine how you see it. Okay, So
(23:21):
what do we do now? We'll talk about that right
after this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's
get back to the conversation. It could very well be
that you're having, you had a relationship with him that
(23:42):
he's not having with you. Yeah, because I mean, it's
like the little things that they put their pictures up
family beaud in the wall, and I was like, hey,
my husbands like any of the pictures. And three years
later then they bought a house, they added more pictures
and still no pictures, but they added more other people.
But did you ask him? Did you forget the to
with Boo Boo in it? Whatever your husbands you forgot
(24:04):
to picture with Boo in it? No? I didn't ask.
But why is that important to you that your brother
doesn't have a picture on his wall in his house
with your husband in it? Why is that important? I
guess it was important because it's important because it's like, honestly,
it's like a it's a fake and phony thing, and
I wanted to be not fake and phony judgment, judgment.
(24:27):
It's not important to him, so why should he put
it on the wall in his house. It's not important
to him. It's important to you, it's not important to him.
So in essence, my love, you're doing the very same
thing to him that he does to you. You make
what's important to you his priority. Well, I'm trying to
(24:49):
figure out where my place is and I and see
to meet me. Because it's so fake, it's so phony,
it's like, from your perspective, it's fake in phony to you.
From your perspective. It was crazy to me that my
brother would stick a needleful of heroine in his arm.
(25:09):
I don't even drink. That was freaking insane to me
that my brother, this beautiful, brilliant man who could add
columns and columns of numbers in his head. He was
a mathematical genius, and he would put a heroine his art.
So from where I'm sitting, that is crazy. But I
(25:31):
didn't know what was in the core of his onion.
I didn't know. No, I don't know what doc So
I had to stop expecting his onion the smell like
my on what happened to other people, that's because you're
(25:52):
taking on. Like I said, I made a simple request
of my brother, don't call here talking that. I don't
want to hear it more. He didn't want to hear
that from me, so he hung up and separated himself
for five years. So be it. You can't have it
both ways. You can't stand in what you value and
(26:14):
then expect other people to line up with it if
they don't value the same things. I just I just
thought that when you generally care for someone and you
want that relationship with that person. You all can sometimes
agree to disagree. You have a talk so you all
can come to a common ground. But that may not
be what he wants, or it may not be the
(26:36):
way he wants it. And it's okay. I want you
to you do. You have a pencil and a piece
of paper, write this down. I want you to write
down two things. First thing, I'm a spell it for you,
okay as E now f that's the first word. Second word,
(27:03):
are I gee age t e? Oh you else? What
does that spell? Selfrighteous? Uh? Huh? Makes you blind? Ah? Yeah?
(27:24):
Now you think that everybody sees it the way you
see it, baby, they don't. He's got a maulthfunction in
his hard drive based on the way you'll were raised.
You've grown up, done some work, stretched and but you're
still a functioning from that place, and you think everybody's
gonna see it the way you see it. They don't.
Your mother didn't, your father doesn't, he doesn't, your brother.
(27:47):
I don't mean to be selfrights. Well, just something for
you to consider. Just that's not a bad thing. It's
not a bad thing. It's based on our next word. Okay,
write this down. What is my now, I'm a spell
this word? P oh s I t I oh? And
(28:14):
what is my what? What is my position? Position? What
is my position? Am I being self righteous? Am I
expecting somebody to see it the way I see it?
Do I think my opinion is better than theirs? Are
stronger than theirs? Am I trying to get them to
see when I see? Well, yeah, you've got to ask
(28:36):
those things. I get it. Yeah, I guess I it
being so righteous because I thought that the love was
the same moment. We were both in the same level
of having that love and relationship that I thought that
we had years ago, and that now that we're married
and we have kids that were close in age, and
because we're in the same state and we grew up
(28:59):
with a big family being closed, I thought that he
would want the same things. Have you ever asked us no?
Because things kind of stay on the surface. Mm hmmm.
Because he seems like if I go below the surface,
ruffle fea kind of tired of ruferences. Who appointed you
to be the surface digger? Nobody asked you to go
(29:22):
belowd beneath the surface. It's just who I am. I
like to stay below the surface. But I'm trying to
I've learned, I guess in my early dirties that I
go quite deep sometimes and sometimes you're gonna want to
go deep, and so I'm I'm trying to learn to
stay on the surface to me, because some people just
don't want that deepness. Yeah, but that self righteousness. I
(29:45):
go deep and they want to stay on the surface.
How about it. I have a different consciousness than they do.
What's my position? I'm looking straight up with my hands
outreached and they're looking out their left eye with one
hand in their pocket. Not right, not wrong, not good,
not bad, just different. You call it deep and surface.
(30:06):
Yes I thought I was respecting them. No, you're calling
it surface. And it may just be their capacity based
on what's in their hard drive. You call it surface
and deep. It may just be about capacity. Oh God, okay,
oh God is right. Let me tell you something you
(30:27):
want to talk about deep. I can sit in a
room with people and read them like a book, tell
you what color draws they got on and who they're screwing,
and what they did and when they lie in and
telling you. You can't go around talking to people like
that because compassionately. I know they're at their capacity. This
is what they can handle. Not right, not wrong. Everybody
(30:50):
isn't clear voyant. Everybody doesn't have the gift to that.
So I'm not going to impose my perspective on everybody.
I get to choose. Wow. I look at things with
my parents from the past. They did what they thought
was best at that moment. You know, at that point
(31:11):
into that way, I didn't, you know. I was trying
to find ways to not carry that on and look
at them as being human too, because they had to.
They had their own separate journey. Respect their capacity and
don't be righteous about where you are, and don't see
them as less that, and don't see you as more
(31:33):
than don't see them as wrong or right. Write this down.
I s underlining that what is not what I want,
what it should be, what I think it should be,
what they should be doing. No, no, no, this is
what it is. It is this I'm having a relationship
(31:55):
with my brother that he is not having with me. Okay,
let me see what kind of relationship he is happen
with me, and let me shift my position or what
how I want to participate. This work is your work
to do belove it. I really want you to look
at self righteousness, not from a condemnation. I want you
(32:18):
to look at how you think or how you may
expect people to see everything the way you see it,
do it the way you do it, feel it the
way you feel it. That's a form of self righteousness.
Whenever you get in that place, look at, Okay, what
is my position? What am I saying should be happening,
What am I saying isn't happening. What am I thinking
(32:39):
they're doing? What is my position? Because your position is
going to determine how you see the experience. And then
I want you to learn to look at what is
going on and make a clear choice about how you
want to participate, if you want to participate. Because I
(33:00):
hear everything that you're saying. But I got two things
in mind. Your brother has a malfunction in the chip
in his hard drive as it relates to you, and
that you function from the position of he's the golden child,
you're the black sheep. It's your fault and it's your
job to fix everything and finally be willing to let
(33:23):
five years go. And you don't speak to your father, Well,
I'm afraid that I'm afraid that if I just let go,
let it like let go meaning of of the outcome
of it, what happened, and it hurts me to my court,
Well let it hurt and weep about it, cry about it,
(33:44):
and then forgive yourself, not your brother, yourself, forgive yourself
for making stuff up. Work with those things that I've
given you. And I promise you if you if you
shift everything that's gonna shift and stop being the durn
black sheet. Go get your red dress or something. I'll
(34:06):
do that. I'm gonna look at how I see myself. Um,
I'll figure that out. Because I feel uncomfortable around them,
my brother, my father, I do. I don't feel safe,
so I do put a burial on one. I guess
when I get around them, it's like I have to
put this kind of armor one to protect myself emotionally
from them. Well, no, wonder they can't get in to
(34:27):
learn who you are today? Well yeah, wow, do some work.
Give me a call in a couple of weeks and
let me know how you're doing. Thank you. I will, okay, sweetie,
all right, and go back to forgiveness. Go back to
that book. Thank yo. There are two important things to
(34:53):
understand when we're experiencing a breakdown or some level of
discord in and even relationship. The first thing is this,
your position in the matter will determine how you perceive
the matter, how you stand in the matter, how you
address the matter. Your position determines your perspective. That's number one.
(35:18):
Here's number two. It's all about you, boo. It's all
about you. It's always about you, no matter what is
going on. The other person may never change. The other
person may never see it your way even though you're right.
But if you don't shift your position about the need
(35:40):
to be right, about seeing it your way about what
they need to do. If you're not willing to shift
your position, that doesn't have anything to do with them.
It's all about you, and the discord will continue until
you and or your piss. Yes. I hope this has
(36:02):
been helpful to someone, and if you have a question
about this or any other relationship issue, you can call
me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven
seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on
social media for all of the calling times and until then,
stay in peace and not pieces. The r Spot is
(36:29):
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I heart Radio.
For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I heart
Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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