April 3, 2024 • 42 mins
After Iyanla takes two calls seeking relationship autopsies, she quickly realizes that neither caller has ever had a successful relationship. The first caller admits to a pattern of allowing men to exploit her, stemming from deep betrayal experienced during her youth. Meanwhile, the second caller is concerned that the man she recently professed her love to might be gay. Iyanla conducts a comprehensive examination to uncover the culprit and offers insightful anecdotes in both cases.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yama. I had a baby daddy relationship,
I spend time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:34):
It's important for us to understand how a relationship ends,
so that we learn the lessons, that we identify the
mistakes so that we don't carry them forward. You know,
sometimes when a relationship ends, people go into a deep
sense of mourning that infects every relationship thereafter. Sometimes they
(00:59):
mourn for ever and just never even attempt to revive
or be involved in another relationship. How did the relationship die?
Was it a slow death? Was it sudden and unexpected?
Was there somebody who did something? Were the people in
the relationships the culprit one or both of them? And
(01:23):
what were the life saving attempts. If we can do
it for people and they're living, we can surely do
it for a relationship. And it's important and it's important
that we understand the role we play in the way
our relationship ends and what we can do differently the
(01:44):
next time. So I've got some callers today, brave callers,
ready to do a relationship inventory to see if there's
a culprit or if the thing just died a natural death.
Here's my first caller. Greetings, would love it, and welcome
to the art spot. We are doing relationship autopsy today,
(02:06):
looking at what caused the thing to die. So I
understand you have a relationship that's no longer among you.
How did it die? Come on? Spill the tea? Spill
the tea.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
My relationship basically failed because I never had really the
courage to speak up for myself and say what I wanted.
And I was always afraid that if I did speak
up and say something that either I wouldn't get it,
or like somebody would get mad at me or something
like that. And so things would just go on and
(02:41):
on with me not saying anything until it would just
come to a head when I would get like super
mad and like when I got upset. That's almost like
when I gave myself permission to speak up and say something.
And by that time it was usually for me at
the point of like it's over now, and sometimes almost
like blindsiden the person because they didn't really know what
(03:04):
was going on. They didn't know ourself this way. But
because things have been going on in Mounting, then I'm
just at the place like I'm done with this and
like i have no more to do with you. And
that's just been a pattern that I've had over the
years that I'm trying to get out of. And I'm
hoping that you can give me some guidants and some
tools to you be able to have a successful and
(03:30):
healthy long term relationship because I've been divers that one before.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Okay, how old was this relationship when it died? Uh?
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Six to seven months? And that's my longest relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
That ain't no relationship, y'all. Don't even know what brand
the toothpaste you used to That is a baby take
nine months to be born. You had a premature birth here.
That is not a relationship. He had a pre me.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Well, we made it, remained in contact up until four
weeks ago.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
So what happened four weeks ago? Spill the tea. What happened?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
He reached out like normal, wanted something from me that
I usually would get, like whatever he would call to
ask me, And this time he wanted to come and
take a nap in my place because he was in
between ships with his job, and I was just at
the point where I was like over him reaching out
to me only when he needed something, and so I
(04:34):
just told him no, like no, But.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
You trained him to do that. Yeah, absolutely, But you
you understand, you articulated to me what you do to
kill your relationships. So first of all, you don't stay
long enough. But that's number one, But number two that
you don't have the courage to ask for what you want,
(04:58):
that you go into a relationship in the fear that
you can't have what you want. That you go into
a relationship with fear that if you don't please the
other person that they're going to leave. That you people
fall in love with who you're not, because when you
don't ask for what you want and show up with
what you want, when you're in the people pleasing mood,
(05:21):
you're not showing up as who you are, You're showing
up as who you not. And then they fall in
love with who you're not until you get fed up,
and then you blow up. Then they thank you some
kind of nutball.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Yes, And can I give a little backstory?
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Uh yeah, please, Well put on this tea right here,
because it's a bit of that you've given me.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Okay. So I was molested as a child by my
older brother, and I subsequently gained a lot of weight.
As a preteen, I was overweight like high school, gained
even more weight after my first year of college. And
so after then, you know, I changed my eating habits
and lost the weight. And before then, like when I
was heavy, I was always known as like the person
(06:07):
the girl with the pretty face, or the one that
was funny because of my sense of humor. But men
weren't really interested in dating me. And so it was
like when I lost the weight, all of a sudden,
I started getting all this attention for men, and it
was frightening at first, but then it was like, oh okay.
And at that point it was like I was able
to get like the finest of the fine. And it
(06:29):
wasn't a conscious decision then, but looking back, I think
I liked the fact that I was the fat girl
with the pretty faith who was able to attract these men,
like it was some sort of validation. And so at
that point, like with those men, I would give up
the goods too, soons it's super attached to them didn't
really require anything from them, like I said, for fear
(06:52):
that they wouldn't do it, and really like have the
nerve to expect to be treated like I was in
a committed relationship, and if you said once I didn't
get it, I would just kind of spies out, create
drama and be all immature. And the interesting thing is
with my last relationship, like I really wasn't attracted to
him physically. It just kind of grew over time. I
(07:14):
didn't even have expectation of liking him, because usually my
pattern was when I was dealing with one of those guys,
I would usually do all the drama until I lost interest,
and I was usually by finding somebody else to have
an intimate accounter with, and then I was older, and
then like once I moved on in that way, and
(07:34):
so when I met him, that's kind of how that
happened because I was kind of sort of with somebody
else right before that or at that time, and kind
of he jumped into the picture and I used him
to get over the last guy, but then somehow ended
up falling in love with him. And then after that point,
you know, he started off okay, but then he wasn't
keeping his word. He wasn't making me a priority. Got
(07:55):
to the point where he wasn't even making pleasure in
me during intimacy a priority. And so that started us
kind of pattern of me just breaking up with him,
and then he would come back and apologize and we
would get back together. He would you know, not make
any changes. I would break up with him again, he
would come back. It was just that, and then finally
(08:16):
we finally like broke up, broke up about six or
seven mins to the relationship. But like I said, we
remained in contact, engage in intimacy every now and again
up until you know, a month ago, and I'm just
I just see it. I want to I want to
get out of that, and I just I need to know.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Wow, did I hear you accurately when you said your
step brother violated you?
Speaker 2 (08:40):
No, it was my brother.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
We you my brother, same same mother, same father, just
same mom. Yeah, okay, And how old were you?
Speaker 2 (08:54):
It was from Obahu seven to ten.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
So hear what I'm saying saying? Okay, I don't have
no heat of no judgment on this, but we're doing
an autopsy, so we've got to look at every organ,
every structure, every system in this thing. So that we
can determine what cause where we are right now, Okay, yeah,
(09:23):
at some point in this thing with your brother, did
you just give in, not fighting, just give in. Yes,
when you gave in, did you know it was wrong?
Speaker 2 (09:41):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (09:42):
I'm asking you this, I'm gonna tie it up. I'm
not asking you this, you know, not holding him accountable
or responsible. You were seven to ten, how old was.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
He nineteen nineteen to like twenty somethings.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
So authority, an elder male in your life, coerced you
into doing something that was wrong, bad, and you remain
silent about it. That's where you learned I can't speak
(10:21):
up for myself because when you are sexually violated by somebody,
you know it's a catch twenty two because in one sense,
you love this person, you care about this person, you
don't want to get them in trouble. And in the
other hand, you know what you're doing is inappropriate or wrong.
(10:42):
You probably don't want to do it even at some point.
There's this twist in the consciousness because you want to
make this person happy, you want them to like you,
you want them to love you. But in order to
get that, you've got to do something wrong. This crazy
making right. Does that sound familiar to you?
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Absolutely? I mean, like I remember when I finally made
the outfry to my parents and like my mother just.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Blew up, like she she ran back.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
He was asleep in the back. She ran back there.
She was like, get out, get out. And my brother
he's here and peers and she was just yelling him,
get out, get out. And he was like, Mama, what
did I do?
Speaker 3 (11:30):
What did I do? Get out?
Speaker 2 (11:33):
So, like he left and I felt horrible. I was like,
oh my god, she put him out because of me,
Oh my god. And it was like he came back
two days later and it never happened again. But we
never talked about it ever.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yes, So a couple of things happened there that I
really want you to understand, because you say you're in
and out of these relationships for six months and then
you're the you know, the big girl with the pretty
face and all of that because of the depth of
(12:12):
betrayal that you experienced at a very young age. Your
brother's betrayal of his position in your life, that's a betrayal.
He was supposed to protect you and look out for you.
He betrayed that position. He abused his power. If you will,
(12:36):
being your elder brother, the betrayal of yourself by allowing
or participating, not allowing participating in this thing that violated you,
this thing that you knew you were wrong, but to
spare him trouble, which he eventually got. Yeah, that's why
(12:58):
you felt terrible. To spare him trouble, you sacrificed and
betrayed yourself. Do you understand that?
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (13:08):
And then the weight. So somewhere in there between seven
and ten, you lost your definition of self. This is me,
I'm a girl, this is my body. I get to say,
I get to say. But if I say, my brother's
gonna get in trouble. If I say, then people will
(13:29):
think I'm bad, I'm wrong. So your concept of intimacy
is off. Intimacy is shrouded in secrecy and wrongness. Yes,
(13:49):
And at seven to ten, when you're just budding and
blossoming and flowering, you know, God forbid he should do
something that feels good because the body is gonna respond naturally.
Oh my god, Now I'm a part two. I'm complicit
in my own violation.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
And that did happen?
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Does that sound from? Yeah? Oh baby? So what you
did then in that confusion, and that betrayal was you
patted yourself to protect yourself. That's what the weight was form.
But even if you lose the weight, you're still padded
(14:33):
and protected, not having the courage to ask for what
you want because if you speak up, it's gonna be
a problem. So I've got to please people even though
they treat me bad, and I just can't take this anymore.
So now I'm a blow up. Yeah, so here's the
good news. Here's the good news. You don't need a
(14:58):
relationship autopsy because you ain't no had one, so it
ain't dead. You ain't never had a relationship participated in
all manner of dysfunction. But and you participated. You I'm
not gonna say you were a willing participant because it's
seven to ten. You didn't have a choice. So you
(15:20):
don't need an autosy. What you need is a thorough examination.
You need a thorough examination of your relationship with yourself
and what you told yourself about yourself as a result
(15:41):
of the early violation and betrayal. Now you've told yourself
that it's okay to betray yourself, dishonor yourself if it
makes somebody else happy, Well we're not together, come to
my house and take a nap the hell because you
(16:03):
you are not going to be able to have a relationship,
I mean really an intimate relationship, because intimacy means in
to me see, but if people look into you, you
think they're going to see what you did with your
brother mm hmm. So it's going to be hard for
(16:27):
you to build a relationship with yourself with anybody until
you build a relationship with yourself, because you never have one.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Right, what you're saying is really hitting home because like, yeah,
even though I lost the weight, like I do still
feel like that little girl sometimes and feel like I
can't speak up. And I've been trying to make those
changes in my life, like not even just with intimate partners,
but just even with just family and friends speaking up
(16:59):
because I wouldn't before. And so I do realize that
those changes have to be made before I can have
a successful relationship. And I'm just trying to get there. Really,
EQUI running everybody.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Off, Well, you're not running everybody off. You've left home
when you were seven. The lights are on in nobody's home.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Baby.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
We'll talk about that when we come back, Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
How old are you now?
Speaker 2 (17:35):
My love? WHOA yeah, time is of the it.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
But you know what, let me just say this to you.
Because you said I don't have the courage. I never
had the courage. That is not true. You are courageous
to continue to try, to continue to desire, to continue
to want it, and to be able to say I'm
(18:04):
messing this up. I need some help. That's courageous. Don't
you ever say that you're not courageous. You were never
taught how to use your voice, and it's unloving to
expect yourself to know how to do something you were
never taught how to do. You weren't taught how to
use your voice as a woman. It started when you
were seven to ten, and you were silenced by self
(18:26):
betrayal and coercion and manipulation for somebody else's pleasure.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
No, no, yeah, and here recently, like well probably it's
been about six months. I had to cut off my
brother because he's in prison for unrelated issue, and he
would continue to call me and try to manipulate me
to send him money and would try to make me
feel bad because I wouldn't send him money in prison
like all the other prisoners. There are people sending money,
(18:56):
and you know I need money from you and I
don't have anything. And for sometime I would send it,
but it just got to the point where I'm like, no,
you don't get to manipulate me from stitting behind bars.
Absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
He is behind bars for all of this.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
Now.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
He may not have no.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Not for this. No, no, he was nothing ever came
with it.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
No, yes he is, Oh, yes he is. Get it.
He is behind bars as a result of whatever it
was that A allowed this to happen for so long.
Be taught him that it was all right and c
didn't correct it.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Mm hmm. That's true.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
Yeah, no, there was no correction. But I'm not talking
to him. I'm talking to you. So here's another prescription
for you. Yes, where do you live?
Speaker 2 (19:48):
I live in Dallas, Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
I want you to go find a yoga class. I'm
gonna tell you why. I want you to find a
yoga class.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
M h.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Because it's gonna help you get in your body. Your
body's padded to protect you because you're not home. And yoga,
the breath and the movement that's gonna help you land
fully in your body. You're not in your body.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
And that's interesting because I had started. There's a black
owned yoga too, and she has hot yoga, and so.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Oh, go to the hot yoga. Baby. Yeah, I do
love me some hot yoga. Oh, I do love it
so much. But the heat and the movement and if
she's doing bickram, I don't know if she's doing bickroom
or she's just doing a different masanas in the heat.
But it'll help you land in your body. That's what
(20:48):
you have to do. And you take your time. Don't
give up because everybody else can stick their toe in
they ear and you can't. They don't worry about your
toe in your ear. You get there when you can.
But it's the breath and it's the movement landing in
(21:09):
your body. You left home at seven and I don't
think you've come home yet. And beloved, I need, I
need a promise for me that you ain't given nobody,
no nookie for the next nine months. I want you
to do nine months of therapy, nine months of yoga,
and then let's see if we can birth a new you.
(21:31):
No nukie, no nokie for you.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Because I was just about to ask you, like, what
do you think I should do to prepare myself to
be in relationship?
Speaker 3 (21:40):
God?
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Now, ain't that that?
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Ain't it sounds like the concern of that.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
No, because you got to learn how to be in
your body with yourself before you start giving it away
and sharing your energy with other people. I want you
to get in there. I want you to feel your body.
I want you to know what makes your nipples a hard.
I want you to know you know when the distinction
between gas and fear. I want you to know when
(22:09):
when you're feeling joy or peace, or when you're feeling triggered. Yeah,
you know, get in your body into me. See. I
want you to learn how to see in yourself. Yeah,
don't get no good ease to nobody, no nookie for you. Say, listen,
(22:35):
you gotta build a relationship with yourself. And at forty seven,
you know it's not too late. You're heading toward fifty four.
That's really what's going to make a difference. So you
got time, but no nookie. Yoga therapy, coloring, coloring really
(22:56):
really good because what coloring does is it focus the
brain number one and it brings things up to the surface,
but the colors will dispel the energy of it. If
you can get a mandola coloring book. A mandola is
a design that has very little intricate pieces and parts familiar,
(23:21):
and you color each one. Use two colors or three colors.
Don't use a whole bunch of colors. So if you
paint one red, orange and yellow, and then the next
one may be blue, green, and purple, and then do
one just black and white. To really get your your
get your brain focused on you, on your energy. Coloring
(23:45):
will focus your energy. Yeah, and do that yoga at
least two or three times a week.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
And I'm fifteen days sober right now. And so there's that,
and so I'm working through.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
That.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
You said, just trying to use all this. I just
really want to evolve into a better me, so that
you know, yes, for me, for my daughter, for all this,
and I'm doing my things.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
You are, you are evolving. How old is your daughter?
Speaker 2 (24:20):
He's fourteen?
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Okay, get a copy of and one day my soul
opened up. Get okay, do it with your daughter. Go
back and do it with your daughter. Make a little
mourning ritual. Make a little mourning ritual. You all have
tea or coffee or something, even if you do it
once a week and read through the story and answer
(24:44):
those questions, because she who lived in your body is
going to tell you what's going on inside of you.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Yes, man, I love that idea. I love that idea.
And yeah, that book is what made me realize I
said I was the problem in these relationships.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
I was like, oopsie, you have not had a relationship.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
What I get, I am right, and I want that
for you.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
I want you to have a relationship, and you know,
and not an escape route. I want you to have
a relationship first with yourself because the courage that you are,
the power that you are, I really want you to
share that with somebody because it's it's it's beautiful. I
(25:38):
know it sounds dysfunctional, but when you clean it up,
it's gonna be beautiful.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Oh I like that. That's exciting.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
You're gonna be busy till you're fifty four, coloring yoga,
reading the book. No, no, nookie.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
I ain't gonna have time for that anyway, with all
this worker.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
So hopefully you'll get something before you fifty four, but
we want it to be right this time.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Absolutely, that's the part right there.
Speaker 1 (26:08):
Oh, my beloved, I wish you. Oh my gosh, I'm
so excited for you. You're at such a wonderful time
in your life as a woman. You know, you still
got a fourteen year old princess that you can impact.
And you got it. You got it. You're not in
a bottle, You're not at the end of a needle.
(26:29):
You can go to yoga. Oh, I'm excited for you. Oh,
thank you, Thank you for calling, my beloved.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Thank you. I appreciate you.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Okay, I appreciate you too. Wish you the best.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
All right, thank you, bye bye.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
If I were to do a relationship autopsy on fifty
thousand relationships, what I'm going to find in every core,
every system, every organ, every tissue, every muscle, the only
thing I'm gonna find is a reflection of the relationship
you're having with your self. If you ain't present for you,
(27:12):
if you don't trust you, if you don't respect you,
if you don't tell you the truth, you're gonna marry
it or live with it for eighteen years. I think
I've gotten another caller. Greetings, beloved, welcome to the ur spot.
Thank you for joining me today, and thank you for
your patience. Now we're doing a relationship autopsy. I understand
(27:35):
that you have a relationship that's no longer with us.
So tell me how did it end? How did it die?
Speaker 3 (27:43):
So I say the relationship ended. It was kind of ambiguous.
We just kind of fell off communication wise. But I
think that there was just a lot of confusion going
on and we stopped trying to figure it out.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Mmm, so you got a John Doe death, just dead.
Don't know why, don't know who it is.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
Yeah. I had a sneaking suspicion that my partner was
a you know, like bisexual or homosexual. But I couldn't
really you know, I couldn't prove it. It was just
a feeling I had. But sometimes I wonder if maybe
he was just showing traits and characteristics that I'm not
used to, you know, heterosexual men showing.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
At all such as such. Ass do Tael spill the tea?
Speaker 3 (28:36):
Honestly? I mean, he just he showed up. He was
always there. I mean, this was like the perfect guy.
He was tall, he was fit, he had a vibrant
social life. He took care of his sisters, he took
care of his mom. He always one thing I never
experienced this man could calm me down, like he'd never
(28:56):
escalated any disagreement we were ever in. Everything was always calm.
But he was raised with like nine sisters, so he
had some very feminine mannerisms, Like he did a lot
of huffing and puffing, and he kind of just the
way you would hang his head, and it was just
he had some feminine gestures, but he did all the
(29:19):
very manly things that you know men are supposed to do,
you think. But he also just he never really looked
that happy to see me, but he did everything that
showed me he was there for me. But I never
felt like he was like attracted to me and he
wanted me and he was happy to be there. I
just felt like, you know, he was just showing up
(29:40):
for me because that's what he knew how to do
for people. Because I feel like I have the gatar,
But then I feel like, well, they don't know, and
they're not gonna they don't know, and I'm just afraid
they're gonna, you know, they won't know until they're like
sixty and we had ten kids, and I'm you know,
I'm just afraid that they would't figure it out. Till later.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
Oh, you got a lot of work. We'll talk about
that right after the Welcome back to the R spot.
Let's get back to the conversation. How old was the relationship?
Speaker 3 (30:17):
So we were together on and off for about a
year and a half, maybe two years. I kind of
changed the title on it. It was supposed to be
a hookup. Then I thought this is a great guy.
I have a two year old son. He'd be a
great dad. We should be together. And then we were
together and I was like, I don't feel any passion,
(30:37):
I don't feel any fire. We should just be friends.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
You know.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
It was like back and forth like that a lot.
But whatever I said, he kind of just went with
it until one day I had to talk with him
and I was like, hey, you know, i've been really
wishy washying back and forth with you over the past
couple of years. I was like, I'm really sorry about that.
I think I was insecure and this and that, and
you know, I'm ready to just give it a hundred percent.
(31:02):
And after I did that, do you know this man
just slowly faded into the distance.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
Like I didn't know what to do, so but I
thought maybe we just didn't have a lot in common,
and like I told y'all, was all over the place,
and I still kind of think he's a little gay.
I just I don't know.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
So I'm going to ask you this, what are you
acting like? You don't know? Take a breath. I'm acting
like I don't know what? What are you acting like?
You don't know?
Speaker 3 (31:36):
I'm acting like I don't know that I'm inconsistent.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Okay, maybe all right? What else I'm acting like? I
don't know what.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
Else I'm acting like I don't know. I think the
way my insecurities are set up, I think anybody who
ever truly shows me that I'm worth loving, I think
it's I think it's something wrong with them. And I
think maybe this person is not good because there there's
(32:10):
must be something wrong with them. I honestly, I think
I'm just asking like I don't know what love looks like?
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Okay, and you do know? Do you know what love
looks like?
Speaker 3 (32:20):
I know what it looks like because when I see it,
I think I deserve this and I want this, and
this makes me happy. But I still find a way
to to to be to be unfulfilled. You know, I
know I got to fulfill myself, but I still find
a way to just think, you know, all they talk
about those patterns, like we like patterns and and and
(32:45):
I feel like that's what happens. Like I don't think
love from a man is in my history. I don't
have the blueprint or the pattern for it. So I
see it and I think, oh, I like that, I
want that. And then maybe I receive it and I think, well,
this is weird, and I don't know what to do
with that. And I'm honestly I'm bisexual myself, so I
(33:08):
don't think I will really care if.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
My thank you. I was wondering when you was gonna
get there. Yeah, I'm acting like I don't know. I'm bisexual, Yeah,
and inconsistent in it and not fully present in it,
not owning it fully. So you're only going to attract
(33:30):
what you are. The cause of the death of this relation.
It was a murder. It was a cold case you
not fully standing up in who you are. Being who
you are, you can't attract a man who's gonna stand
up in it. And maybe the same kind of inconsistency
(33:50):
lack of full presence he had to his sexual identity.
It's a reflection of you in your in your did
he know you were bisexual?
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
And what did he say about himself?
Speaker 3 (34:03):
He didn't, He didn't really say he didn't really say anything.
I mean, but no man I've ever dated is well,
actually there was one friend I had that system. But
I never experienced a guy just being like, hey, I'm
I have been curious or I've been fluid or whatever
like it just it's like not socially acceptable to say.
(34:23):
And so that's why I get a freak.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Okay, And it probably is a little more difficult for
men to say that than it is for women. You know,
there seems to be a lot more heat on it
when men say it. Yeah, so maybe he's inconsistent in
his sexuality. Maybe he's inconsistent or not fully present in
(34:45):
his sexual identity. So you just attracted yourself. Yeah, And
it sounds like when you're with a woman, you want
to be with a woman, and when you're with a man,
you you know, you want alpha man, you want to
a pull you around by your ass and kill a
lion and bring it home and slapping on the table, right,
(35:12):
you know, but you also threw out enough hoops and
tests to run him off, holding there must be something
wrong with him instead of even in my bisexuality, this
is the kind of man I want, and he ain't
feeling like that. That's it. It's not simple. He ain't
(35:32):
feeling like the kind of Okay, bye, he can't be
gay if he's with you.
Speaker 3 (35:37):
Yeah, yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
So you were just living out your I'm gonna make
something be wrong with him?
Speaker 3 (35:44):
Yeah, And you know I wanted to be a I
wanted to be a safe space for him, but because
I was so like afraid, I think I ended up
being the opposite of that and just adding more confusion
into his life.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
So well, more confusion to your life.
Speaker 3 (36:04):
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
You said, I know what love looks like, but do
you know what it feels like? Right? I love?
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Okay, I know what it feels like.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
And are you open to the possibility that you may
not be able to feel that with a man?
Speaker 3 (36:23):
Damn?
Speaker 1 (36:25):
And that's okay.
Speaker 3 (36:27):
Yeah, I would have to be And you know, I
think that's one of my issues is you know I dated.
I dated women up until I was about twenty five,
and then I thought, you know, well I'm attracted to
the man. I can date men too, and I never
had the same kind of connection or feeling, because I
feel like sisterhood has its own thing and it's familiar.
(36:48):
I know it, I like it, I know what to
do with it. But I haven't had many strong bonds
with men in my life, so when I do create one,
I don't understand and it may be right. And I
don't know what love feels like coming from a man.
I don't have a close relationship with my dad or
my brothers or you know, so I don't know what
(37:09):
that feels like, and it is confusing. But I do
know what you know, like the socially acceptable, the violence
and the harm and all that stuff. Those guys, I
get that, that makes sense. I'm like, okay, yeah, I
know you. But when I when I get what I
say I want, I just my mind is in uh
translated for me properly. So yeah, yeah, I have.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
A prescription for you, and I have I have a
new name, not bisexual, but will sexual. I mean, I
prefer my team, but I'm willing to go to the
other team if I have to. But I don't know
what that feels like. So I'm will sexual.
Speaker 3 (37:53):
That might be a thing. I thought this might as
well work. I don't have any issues with it.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
So yeah, and you're calling the man gay and he
with you here, But here's your prescription, all right, Get present,
Get present with who you are and what feels right
for you. Man, woman, bananas, you know, chipmunks, It don't matter, okay,
(38:20):
what feels right for you and where you can be
fully present in yourself with another person, with another person,
stop trying to figure somebody else out, figure you out
right and let yourself. Give yourself permission to know what
(38:40):
you know and want what you want. Just give yourself
permission to do that. And if I want a man
Monday and a woman Tuesday, and you know, grit's Wednesday,
it's okay. You live in this generation where it's okay
to be fluid. I'm old, I'm og. We don't know
(39:02):
nothing about that. Our motto is pick a team and
play on it.
Speaker 3 (39:05):
Pray you're not stuck there, right, be present, present, get.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Clear about what feels right for you. About that. I
can say, we have a son.
Speaker 3 (39:22):
Right, yes, I do. He just turns forward.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Yeah, and you want to demonstrate to him what a
woman looks like and what a woman feels like who
she sleeps with. This secondary r what does a woman
feel like to be fully present in herself and sharing
herself with him? Because he's a man, he's gonna be
a man, and that's somebody's father and somebody's else. So
(39:48):
you want him to know what it feels like to
be in the present of a woman who's fully present
with herself.
Speaker 3 (39:56):
Okay, I can do that.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
Sound good?
Speaker 3 (39:58):
Yes it does. I think for your time.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Thank you for calling my love, kiss the baby for me?
All right, well too, alrighty bye bye. Our fear, our intrepidation,
our angst about a relationship not being successful, or being
(40:22):
suspicious of cautious about somebody that wants to be in
relationship with us will cause us to be overactive or
inconsistent in a way that smothers and chokes the life
out of the relationship. Listen, just be present, moment by
(40:46):
moment by moment by moment. Instead of seeing the other
person as someone coming to fix you, save you, fulfill you,
trick you, disappoint you, what you wound you. Instead of
seeing the other person like that, see them as your equal.
(41:06):
Id the eyes soul to soul. This is another human
being who's longing and desiring to be loved. Let me,
show up in my loving and be with them, not
let me see what they can give me. What are
they trying to take for stop it to show up,
(41:30):
ida eyes, soul to soul, moment to moment, and trust
yourself enough to know if it's not for you, your
belly will let you know. And when you hear that grumbling,
that discord, that upset in your belly or in your heart,
exit stage left, okay, or have a conversation this is
(41:50):
not feeling good to me, Tell me this is what
I'm feeling at the same time, don't kill the relationship
because you're afraid it might die, So before it dies,
you gonna kill it off with your crazyman and drama
in ysteria. I hope that you know something now that
(42:11):
you didn't know when you tuned in. And until we
meet again, stay in peace and not pieces favor. The
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
(42:33):
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
I am a Yama. I had a baby daddy relationship,
I spend time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:34):
It's important for us to understand how a relationship ends,
so that we learn the lessons, that we identify the
mistakes so that we don't carry them forward. You know,
sometimes when a relationship ends, people go into a deep
sense of mourning that infects every relationship thereafter. Sometimes they
(00:59):
mourn for ever and just never even attempt to revive
or be involved in another relationship. How did the relationship die?
Was it a slow death? Was it sudden and unexpected?
Was there somebody who did something? Were the people in
the relationships the culprit one or both of them? And
(01:23):
what were the life saving attempts. If we can do
it for people and they're living, we can surely do
it for a relationship. And it's important and it's important
that we understand the role we play in the way
our relationship ends and what we can do differently the
(01:44):
next time. So I've got some callers today, brave callers,
ready to do a relationship inventory to see if there's
a culprit or if the thing just died a natural death.
Here's my first caller. Greetings, would love it, and welcome
to the art spot. We are doing relationship autopsy today,
(02:06):
looking at what caused the thing to die. So I
understand you have a relationship that's no longer among you.
How did it die? Come on? Spill the tea? Spill
the tea.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
My relationship basically failed because I never had really the
courage to speak up for myself and say what I wanted.
And I was always afraid that if I did speak
up and say something that either I wouldn't get it,
or like somebody would get mad at me or something
like that. And so things would just go on and
(02:41):
on with me not saying anything until it would just
come to a head when I would get like super
mad and like when I got upset. That's almost like
when I gave myself permission to speak up and say something.
And by that time it was usually for me at
the point of like it's over now, and sometimes almost
like blindsiden the person because they didn't really know what
(03:04):
was going on. They didn't know ourself this way. But
because things have been going on in Mounting, then I'm
just at the place like I'm done with this and
like i have no more to do with you. And
that's just been a pattern that I've had over the
years that I'm trying to get out of. And I'm
hoping that you can give me some guidants and some
tools to you be able to have a successful and
(03:30):
healthy long term relationship because I've been divers that one before.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Okay, how old was this relationship when it died? Uh?
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Six to seven months? And that's my longest relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
That ain't no relationship, y'all. Don't even know what brand
the toothpaste you used to That is a baby take
nine months to be born. You had a premature birth here.
That is not a relationship. He had a pre me.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Well, we made it, remained in contact up until four
weeks ago.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
So what happened four weeks ago? Spill the tea. What happened?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
He reached out like normal, wanted something from me that
I usually would get, like whatever he would call to
ask me, And this time he wanted to come and
take a nap in my place because he was in
between ships with his job, and I was just at
the point where I was like over him reaching out
to me only when he needed something, and so I
(04:34):
just told him no, like no, But.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
You trained him to do that. Yeah, absolutely, But you
you understand, you articulated to me what you do to
kill your relationships. So first of all, you don't stay
long enough. But that's number one, But number two that
you don't have the courage to ask for what you want,
(04:58):
that you go into a relationship in the fear that
you can't have what you want. That you go into
a relationship with fear that if you don't please the
other person that they're going to leave. That you people
fall in love with who you're not, because when you
don't ask for what you want and show up with
what you want, when you're in the people pleasing mood,
(05:21):
you're not showing up as who you are, You're showing
up as who you not. And then they fall in
love with who you're not until you get fed up,
and then you blow up. Then they thank you some
kind of nutball.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Yes, And can I give a little backstory?
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Uh yeah, please, Well put on this tea right here,
because it's a bit of that you've given me.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Okay. So I was molested as a child by my
older brother, and I subsequently gained a lot of weight.
As a preteen, I was overweight like high school, gained
even more weight after my first year of college. And
so after then, you know, I changed my eating habits
and lost the weight. And before then, like when I
was heavy, I was always known as like the person
(06:07):
the girl with the pretty face, or the one that
was funny because of my sense of humor. But men
weren't really interested in dating me. And so it was
like when I lost the weight, all of a sudden,
I started getting all this attention for men, and it
was frightening at first, but then it was like, oh okay.
And at that point it was like I was able
to get like the finest of the fine. And it
(06:29):
wasn't a conscious decision then, but looking back, I think
I liked the fact that I was the fat girl
with the pretty faith who was able to attract these men,
like it was some sort of validation. And so at
that point, like with those men, I would give up
the goods too, soons it's super attached to them didn't
really require anything from them, like I said, for fear
(06:52):
that they wouldn't do it, and really like have the
nerve to expect to be treated like I was in
a committed relationship, and if you said once I didn't
get it, I would just kind of spies out, create
drama and be all immature. And the interesting thing is
with my last relationship, like I really wasn't attracted to
him physically. It just kind of grew over time. I
(07:14):
didn't even have expectation of liking him, because usually my
pattern was when I was dealing with one of those guys,
I would usually do all the drama until I lost interest,
and I was usually by finding somebody else to have
an intimate accounter with, and then I was older, and
then like once I moved on in that way, and
(07:34):
so when I met him, that's kind of how that
happened because I was kind of sort of with somebody
else right before that or at that time, and kind
of he jumped into the picture and I used him
to get over the last guy, but then somehow ended
up falling in love with him. And then after that point,
you know, he started off okay, but then he wasn't
keeping his word. He wasn't making me a priority. Got
(07:55):
to the point where he wasn't even making pleasure in
me during intimacy a priority. And so that started us
kind of pattern of me just breaking up with him,
and then he would come back and apologize and we
would get back together. He would you know, not make
any changes. I would break up with him again, he
would come back. It was just that, and then finally
(08:16):
we finally like broke up, broke up about six or
seven mins to the relationship. But like I said, we
remained in contact, engage in intimacy every now and again
up until you know, a month ago, and I'm just
I just see it. I want to I want to
get out of that, and I just I need to know.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Wow, did I hear you accurately when you said your
step brother violated you?
Speaker 2 (08:40):
No, it was my brother.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
We you my brother, same same mother, same father, just
same mom. Yeah, okay, And how old were you?
Speaker 2 (08:54):
It was from Obahu seven to ten.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
So hear what I'm saying saying? Okay, I don't have
no heat of no judgment on this, but we're doing
an autopsy, so we've got to look at every organ,
every structure, every system in this thing. So that we
can determine what cause where we are right now, Okay, yeah,
(09:23):
at some point in this thing with your brother, did
you just give in, not fighting, just give in. Yes,
when you gave in, did you know it was wrong?
Speaker 2 (09:41):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (09:42):
I'm asking you this, I'm gonna tie it up. I'm
not asking you this, you know, not holding him accountable
or responsible. You were seven to ten, how old was.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
He nineteen nineteen to like twenty somethings.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
So authority, an elder male in your life, coerced you
into doing something that was wrong, bad, and you remain
silent about it. That's where you learned I can't speak
(10:21):
up for myself because when you are sexually violated by somebody,
you know it's a catch twenty two because in one sense,
you love this person, you care about this person, you
don't want to get them in trouble. And in the
other hand, you know what you're doing is inappropriate or wrong.
(10:42):
You probably don't want to do it even at some point.
There's this twist in the consciousness because you want to
make this person happy, you want them to like you,
you want them to love you. But in order to
get that, you've got to do something wrong. This crazy
making right. Does that sound familiar to you?
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Absolutely? I mean, like I remember when I finally made
the outfry to my parents and like my mother just.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Blew up, like she she ran back.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
He was asleep in the back. She ran back there.
She was like, get out, get out. And my brother
he's here and peers and she was just yelling him,
get out, get out. And he was like, Mama, what
did I do?
Speaker 3 (11:30):
What did I do? Get out?
Speaker 2 (11:33):
So, like he left and I felt horrible. I was like,
oh my god, she put him out because of me,
Oh my god. And it was like he came back
two days later and it never happened again. But we
never talked about it ever.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yes, So a couple of things happened there that I
really want you to understand, because you say you're in
and out of these relationships for six months and then
you're the you know, the big girl with the pretty
face and all of that because of the depth of
(12:12):
betrayal that you experienced at a very young age. Your
brother's betrayal of his position in your life, that's a betrayal.
He was supposed to protect you and look out for you.
He betrayed that position. He abused his power. If you will,
(12:36):
being your elder brother, the betrayal of yourself by allowing
or participating, not allowing participating in this thing that violated you,
this thing that you knew you were wrong, but to
spare him trouble, which he eventually got. Yeah, that's why
(12:58):
you felt terrible. To spare him trouble, you sacrificed and
betrayed yourself. Do you understand that?
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (13:08):
And then the weight. So somewhere in there between seven
and ten, you lost your definition of self. This is me,
I'm a girl, this is my body. I get to say,
I get to say. But if I say, my brother's
gonna get in trouble. If I say, then people will
(13:29):
think I'm bad, I'm wrong. So your concept of intimacy
is off. Intimacy is shrouded in secrecy and wrongness. Yes,
(13:49):
And at seven to ten, when you're just budding and
blossoming and flowering, you know, God forbid he should do
something that feels good because the body is gonna respond naturally.
Oh my god, Now I'm a part two. I'm complicit
in my own violation.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
And that did happen?
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Does that sound from? Yeah? Oh baby? So what you
did then in that confusion, and that betrayal was you
patted yourself to protect yourself. That's what the weight was form.
But even if you lose the weight, you're still padded
(14:33):
and protected, not having the courage to ask for what
you want because if you speak up, it's gonna be
a problem. So I've got to please people even though
they treat me bad, and I just can't take this anymore.
So now I'm a blow up. Yeah, so here's the
good news. Here's the good news. You don't need a
(14:58):
relationship autopsy because you ain't no had one, so it
ain't dead. You ain't never had a relationship participated in
all manner of dysfunction. But and you participated. You I'm
not gonna say you were a willing participant because it's
seven to ten. You didn't have a choice. So you
(15:20):
don't need an autosy. What you need is a thorough examination.
You need a thorough examination of your relationship with yourself
and what you told yourself about yourself as a result
(15:41):
of the early violation and betrayal. Now you've told yourself
that it's okay to betray yourself, dishonor yourself if it
makes somebody else happy, Well we're not together, come to
my house and take a nap the hell because you
(16:03):
you are not going to be able to have a relationship,
I mean really an intimate relationship, because intimacy means in
to me see, but if people look into you, you
think they're going to see what you did with your
brother mm hmm. So it's going to be hard for
(16:27):
you to build a relationship with yourself with anybody until
you build a relationship with yourself, because you never have one.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Right, what you're saying is really hitting home because like, yeah,
even though I lost the weight, like I do still
feel like that little girl sometimes and feel like I
can't speak up. And I've been trying to make those
changes in my life, like not even just with intimate partners,
but just even with just family and friends speaking up
(16:59):
because I wouldn't before. And so I do realize that
those changes have to be made before I can have
a successful relationship. And I'm just trying to get there. Really,
EQUI running everybody.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Off, Well, you're not running everybody off. You've left home
when you were seven. The lights are on in nobody's home.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Baby.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
We'll talk about that when we come back, Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
How old are you now?
Speaker 2 (17:35):
My love? WHOA yeah, time is of the it.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
But you know what, let me just say this to you.
Because you said I don't have the courage. I never
had the courage. That is not true. You are courageous
to continue to try, to continue to desire, to continue
to want it, and to be able to say I'm
(18:04):
messing this up. I need some help. That's courageous. Don't
you ever say that you're not courageous. You were never
taught how to use your voice, and it's unloving to
expect yourself to know how to do something you were
never taught how to do. You weren't taught how to
use your voice as a woman. It started when you
were seven to ten, and you were silenced by self
(18:26):
betrayal and coercion and manipulation for somebody else's pleasure.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
No, no, yeah, and here recently, like well probably it's
been about six months. I had to cut off my
brother because he's in prison for unrelated issue, and he
would continue to call me and try to manipulate me
to send him money and would try to make me
feel bad because I wouldn't send him money in prison
like all the other prisoners. There are people sending money,
(18:56):
and you know I need money from you and I
don't have anything. And for sometime I would send it,
but it just got to the point where I'm like, no,
you don't get to manipulate me from stitting behind bars.
Absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
He is behind bars for all of this.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
Now.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
He may not have no.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Not for this. No, no, he was nothing ever came
with it.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
No, yes he is, Oh, yes he is. Get it.
He is behind bars as a result of whatever it
was that A allowed this to happen for so long.
Be taught him that it was all right and c
didn't correct it.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Mm hmm. That's true.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
Yeah, no, there was no correction. But I'm not talking
to him. I'm talking to you. So here's another prescription
for you. Yes, where do you live?
Speaker 2 (19:48):
I live in Dallas, Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
I want you to go find a yoga class. I'm
gonna tell you why. I want you to find a
yoga class.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
M h.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Because it's gonna help you get in your body. Your
body's padded to protect you because you're not home. And yoga,
the breath and the movement that's gonna help you land
fully in your body. You're not in your body.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
And that's interesting because I had started. There's a black
owned yoga too, and she has hot yoga, and so.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Oh, go to the hot yoga. Baby. Yeah, I do
love me some hot yoga. Oh, I do love it
so much. But the heat and the movement and if
she's doing bickram, I don't know if she's doing bickroom
or she's just doing a different masanas in the heat.
But it'll help you land in your body. That's what
(20:48):
you have to do. And you take your time. Don't
give up because everybody else can stick their toe in
they ear and you can't. They don't worry about your
toe in your ear. You get there when you can.
But it's the breath and it's the movement landing in
(21:09):
your body. You left home at seven and I don't
think you've come home yet. And beloved, I need, I
need a promise for me that you ain't given nobody,
no nookie for the next nine months. I want you
to do nine months of therapy, nine months of yoga,
and then let's see if we can birth a new you.
(21:31):
No nukie, no nokie for you.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Because I was just about to ask you, like, what
do you think I should do to prepare myself to
be in relationship?
Speaker 3 (21:40):
God?
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Now, ain't that that?
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Ain't it sounds like the concern of that.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
No, because you got to learn how to be in
your body with yourself before you start giving it away
and sharing your energy with other people. I want you
to get in there. I want you to feel your body.
I want you to know what makes your nipples a hard.
I want you to know you know when the distinction
between gas and fear. I want you to know when
(22:09):
when you're feeling joy or peace, or when you're feeling triggered. Yeah,
you know, get in your body into me. See. I
want you to learn how to see in yourself. Yeah,
don't get no good ease to nobody, no nookie for you. Say, listen,
(22:35):
you gotta build a relationship with yourself. And at forty seven,
you know it's not too late. You're heading toward fifty four.
That's really what's going to make a difference. So you
got time, but no nookie. Yoga therapy, coloring, coloring really
(22:56):
really good because what coloring does is it focus the
brain number one and it brings things up to the surface,
but the colors will dispel the energy of it. If
you can get a mandola coloring book. A mandola is
a design that has very little intricate pieces and parts familiar,
(23:21):
and you color each one. Use two colors or three colors.
Don't use a whole bunch of colors. So if you
paint one red, orange and yellow, and then the next
one may be blue, green, and purple, and then do
one just black and white. To really get your your
get your brain focused on you, on your energy. Coloring
(23:45):
will focus your energy. Yeah, and do that yoga at
least two or three times a week.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
And I'm fifteen days sober right now. And so there's that,
and so I'm working through.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
That.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
You said, just trying to use all this. I just
really want to evolve into a better me, so that
you know, yes, for me, for my daughter, for all this,
and I'm doing my things.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
You are, you are evolving. How old is your daughter?
Speaker 2 (24:20):
He's fourteen?
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Okay, get a copy of and one day my soul
opened up. Get okay, do it with your daughter. Go
back and do it with your daughter. Make a little
mourning ritual. Make a little mourning ritual. You all have
tea or coffee or something, even if you do it
once a week and read through the story and answer
(24:44):
those questions, because she who lived in your body is
going to tell you what's going on inside of you.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Yes, man, I love that idea. I love that idea.
And yeah, that book is what made me realize I
said I was the problem in these relationships.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
I was like, oopsie, you have not had a relationship.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
What I get, I am right, and I want that
for you.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
I want you to have a relationship, and you know,
and not an escape route. I want you to have
a relationship first with yourself because the courage that you are,
the power that you are, I really want you to
share that with somebody because it's it's it's beautiful. I
(25:38):
know it sounds dysfunctional, but when you clean it up,
it's gonna be beautiful.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Oh I like that. That's exciting.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
You're gonna be busy till you're fifty four, coloring yoga,
reading the book. No, no, nookie.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
I ain't gonna have time for that anyway, with all
this worker.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
So hopefully you'll get something before you fifty four, but
we want it to be right this time.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Absolutely, that's the part right there.
Speaker 1 (26:08):
Oh, my beloved, I wish you. Oh my gosh, I'm
so excited for you. You're at such a wonderful time
in your life as a woman. You know, you still
got a fourteen year old princess that you can impact.
And you got it. You got it. You're not in
a bottle, You're not at the end of a needle.
(26:29):
You can go to yoga. Oh, I'm excited for you. Oh,
thank you, Thank you for calling, my beloved.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Thank you. I appreciate you.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Okay, I appreciate you too. Wish you the best.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
All right, thank you, bye bye.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
If I were to do a relationship autopsy on fifty
thousand relationships, what I'm going to find in every core,
every system, every organ, every tissue, every muscle, the only
thing I'm gonna find is a reflection of the relationship
you're having with your self. If you ain't present for you,
(27:12):
if you don't trust you, if you don't respect you,
if you don't tell you the truth, you're gonna marry
it or live with it for eighteen years. I think
I've gotten another caller. Greetings, beloved, welcome to the ur spot.
Thank you for joining me today, and thank you for
your patience. Now we're doing a relationship autopsy. I understand
(27:35):
that you have a relationship that's no longer with us.
So tell me how did it end? How did it die?
Speaker 3 (27:43):
So I say the relationship ended. It was kind of ambiguous.
We just kind of fell off communication wise. But I
think that there was just a lot of confusion going
on and we stopped trying to figure it out.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Mmm, so you got a John Doe death, just dead.
Don't know why, don't know who it is.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
Yeah. I had a sneaking suspicion that my partner was
a you know, like bisexual or homosexual. But I couldn't
really you know, I couldn't prove it. It was just
a feeling I had. But sometimes I wonder if maybe
he was just showing traits and characteristics that I'm not
used to, you know, heterosexual men showing.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
At all such as such. Ass do Tael spill the tea?
Speaker 3 (28:36):
Honestly? I mean, he just he showed up. He was
always there. I mean, this was like the perfect guy.
He was tall, he was fit, he had a vibrant
social life. He took care of his sisters, he took
care of his mom. He always one thing I never
experienced this man could calm me down, like he'd never
(28:56):
escalated any disagreement we were ever in. Everything was always calm.
But he was raised with like nine sisters, so he
had some very feminine mannerisms, Like he did a lot
of huffing and puffing, and he kind of just the
way you would hang his head, and it was just
he had some feminine gestures, but he did all the
(29:19):
very manly things that you know men are supposed to do,
you think. But he also just he never really looked
that happy to see me, but he did everything that
showed me he was there for me. But I never
felt like he was like attracted to me and he
wanted me and he was happy to be there. I
just felt like, you know, he was just showing up
(29:40):
for me because that's what he knew how to do
for people. Because I feel like I have the gatar,
But then I feel like, well, they don't know, and
they're not gonna they don't know, and I'm just afraid
they're gonna, you know, they won't know until they're like
sixty and we had ten kids, and I'm you know,
I'm just afraid that they would't figure it out. Till later.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
Oh, you got a lot of work. We'll talk about
that right after the Welcome back to the R spot.
Let's get back to the conversation. How old was the relationship?
Speaker 3 (30:17):
So we were together on and off for about a
year and a half, maybe two years. I kind of
changed the title on it. It was supposed to be
a hookup. Then I thought this is a great guy.
I have a two year old son. He'd be a
great dad. We should be together. And then we were
together and I was like, I don't feel any passion,
(30:37):
I don't feel any fire. We should just be friends.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
You know.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
It was like back and forth like that a lot.
But whatever I said, he kind of just went with
it until one day I had to talk with him
and I was like, hey, you know, i've been really
wishy washying back and forth with you over the past
couple of years. I was like, I'm really sorry about that.
I think I was insecure and this and that, and
you know, I'm ready to just give it a hundred percent.
(31:02):
And after I did that, do you know this man
just slowly faded into the distance.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
Like I didn't know what to do, so but I
thought maybe we just didn't have a lot in common,
and like I told y'all, was all over the place,
and I still kind of think he's a little gay.
I just I don't know.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
So I'm going to ask you this, what are you
acting like? You don't know? Take a breath. I'm acting
like I don't know what? What are you acting like?
You don't know?
Speaker 3 (31:36):
I'm acting like I don't know that I'm inconsistent.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Okay, maybe all right? What else I'm acting like? I
don't know what.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
Else I'm acting like I don't know. I think the
way my insecurities are set up, I think anybody who
ever truly shows me that I'm worth loving, I think
it's I think it's something wrong with them. And I
think maybe this person is not good because there there's
(32:10):
must be something wrong with them. I honestly, I think
I'm just asking like I don't know what love looks like?
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Okay, and you do know? Do you know what love
looks like?
Speaker 3 (32:20):
I know what it looks like because when I see it,
I think I deserve this and I want this, and
this makes me happy. But I still find a way
to to to be to be unfulfilled. You know, I
know I got to fulfill myself, but I still find
a way to just think, you know, all they talk
about those patterns, like we like patterns and and and
(32:45):
I feel like that's what happens. Like I don't think
love from a man is in my history. I don't
have the blueprint or the pattern for it. So I
see it and I think, oh, I like that, I
want that. And then maybe I receive it and I think, well,
this is weird, and I don't know what to do
with that. And I'm honestly I'm bisexual myself, so I
(33:08):
don't think I will really care if.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
My thank you. I was wondering when you was gonna
get there. Yeah, I'm acting like I don't know. I'm bisexual, Yeah,
and inconsistent in it and not fully present in it,
not owning it fully. So you're only going to attract
(33:30):
what you are. The cause of the death of this relation.
It was a murder. It was a cold case you
not fully standing up in who you are. Being who
you are, you can't attract a man who's gonna stand
up in it. And maybe the same kind of inconsistency
(33:50):
lack of full presence he had to his sexual identity.
It's a reflection of you in your in your did
he know you were bisexual?
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
And what did he say about himself?
Speaker 3 (34:03):
He didn't, He didn't really say he didn't really say anything.
I mean, but no man I've ever dated is well,
actually there was one friend I had that system. But
I never experienced a guy just being like, hey, I'm
I have been curious or I've been fluid or whatever
like it just it's like not socially acceptable to say.
(34:23):
And so that's why I get a freak.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Okay, And it probably is a little more difficult for
men to say that than it is for women. You know,
there seems to be a lot more heat on it
when men say it. Yeah, so maybe he's inconsistent in
his sexuality. Maybe he's inconsistent or not fully present in
(34:45):
his sexual identity. So you just attracted yourself. Yeah, And
it sounds like when you're with a woman, you want
to be with a woman, and when you're with a man,
you you know, you want alpha man, you want to
a pull you around by your ass and kill a
lion and bring it home and slapping on the table, right,
(35:12):
you know, but you also threw out enough hoops and
tests to run him off, holding there must be something
wrong with him instead of even in my bisexuality, this
is the kind of man I want, and he ain't
feeling like that. That's it. It's not simple. He ain't
(35:32):
feeling like the kind of Okay, bye, he can't be
gay if he's with you.
Speaker 3 (35:37):
Yeah, yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
So you were just living out your I'm gonna make
something be wrong with him?
Speaker 3 (35:44):
Yeah, And you know I wanted to be a I
wanted to be a safe space for him, but because
I was so like afraid, I think I ended up
being the opposite of that and just adding more confusion
into his life.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
So well, more confusion to your life.
Speaker 3 (36:04):
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
You said, I know what love looks like, but do
you know what it feels like? Right? I love?
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Okay, I know what it feels like.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
And are you open to the possibility that you may
not be able to feel that with a man?
Speaker 3 (36:23):
Damn?
Speaker 1 (36:25):
And that's okay.
Speaker 3 (36:27):
Yeah, I would have to be And you know, I
think that's one of my issues is you know I dated.
I dated women up until I was about twenty five,
and then I thought, you know, well I'm attracted to
the man. I can date men too, and I never
had the same kind of connection or feeling, because I
feel like sisterhood has its own thing and it's familiar.
(36:48):
I know it, I like it, I know what to
do with it. But I haven't had many strong bonds
with men in my life, so when I do create one,
I don't understand and it may be right. And I
don't know what love feels like coming from a man.
I don't have a close relationship with my dad or
my brothers or you know, so I don't know what
(37:09):
that feels like, and it is confusing. But I do
know what you know, like the socially acceptable, the violence
and the harm and all that stuff. Those guys, I
get that, that makes sense. I'm like, okay, yeah, I
know you. But when I when I get what I
say I want, I just my mind is in uh
translated for me properly. So yeah, yeah, I have.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
A prescription for you, and I have I have a
new name, not bisexual, but will sexual. I mean, I
prefer my team, but I'm willing to go to the
other team if I have to. But I don't know
what that feels like. So I'm will sexual.
Speaker 3 (37:53):
That might be a thing. I thought this might as
well work. I don't have any issues with it.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
So yeah, and you're calling the man gay and he
with you here, But here's your prescription, all right, Get present,
Get present with who you are and what feels right
for you. Man, woman, bananas, you know, chipmunks, It don't matter, okay,
(38:20):
what feels right for you and where you can be
fully present in yourself with another person, with another person,
stop trying to figure somebody else out, figure you out
right and let yourself. Give yourself permission to know what
(38:40):
you know and want what you want. Just give yourself
permission to do that. And if I want a man
Monday and a woman Tuesday, and you know, grit's Wednesday,
it's okay. You live in this generation where it's okay
to be fluid. I'm old, I'm og. We don't know
(39:02):
nothing about that. Our motto is pick a team and
play on it.
Speaker 3 (39:05):
Pray you're not stuck there, right, be present, present, get.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Clear about what feels right for you. About that. I
can say, we have a son.
Speaker 3 (39:22):
Right, yes, I do. He just turns forward.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Yeah, and you want to demonstrate to him what a
woman looks like and what a woman feels like who
she sleeps with. This secondary r what does a woman
feel like to be fully present in herself and sharing
herself with him? Because he's a man, he's gonna be
a man, and that's somebody's father and somebody's else. So
(39:48):
you want him to know what it feels like to
be in the present of a woman who's fully present
with herself.
Speaker 3 (39:56):
Okay, I can do that.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
Sound good?
Speaker 3 (39:58):
Yes it does. I think for your time.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Thank you for calling my love, kiss the baby for me?
All right, well too, alrighty bye bye. Our fear, our intrepidation,
our angst about a relationship not being successful, or being
(40:22):
suspicious of cautious about somebody that wants to be in
relationship with us will cause us to be overactive or
inconsistent in a way that smothers and chokes the life
out of the relationship. Listen, just be present, moment by
(40:46):
moment by moment by moment. Instead of seeing the other
person as someone coming to fix you, save you, fulfill you,
trick you, disappoint you, what you wound you. Instead of
seeing the other person like that, see them as your equal.
(41:06):
Id the eyes soul to soul. This is another human
being who's longing and desiring to be loved. Let me,
show up in my loving and be with them, not
let me see what they can give me. What are
they trying to take for stop it to show up,
(41:30):
ida eyes, soul to soul, moment to moment, and trust
yourself enough to know if it's not for you, your
belly will let you know. And when you hear that grumbling,
that discord, that upset in your belly or in your heart,
exit stage left, okay, or have a conversation this is
(41:50):
not feeling good to me, Tell me this is what
I'm feeling at the same time, don't kill the relationship
because you're afraid it might die, So before it dies,
you gonna kill it off with your crazyman and drama
in ysteria. I hope that you know something now that
(42:11):
you didn't know when you tuned in. And until we
meet again, stay in peace and not pieces favor. The
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
(42:33):
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
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