March 6, 2024 • 41 mins
In this week's episode, Iyanla conducts relationship autopsies, uncovering their true cause of death. Two callers share their heartbreaking stories: one ignored red flags and ended up in jail due to her partner's abuse and deception, while the other exposes the struggles of an 18-year marriage on life support since its inception. Tune in as Iyanla expertly diagnoses the underlying issues and offers prescriptions to clean up the wounds that threaten to tear relationships apart or attract the wrong people all together.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:35):
Great Day, Great Day, Great Day. Welcome to the R Spot.
I am your host, your guide, your support for today
as we take a look through, a look at, a
look over all things relationships and today we are doing
something very interesting. You know, medical professional or the coroner
(01:01):
will perform an autopsy after a death to determine what
caused the end of the life. Now, this information can
be very helpful and determining whether it was foul play,
if there was a potential disease on the loose, if
(01:24):
there was poison, if the death resulted from arson, homicide, murder.
It can be very interesting to kind of pinpoint the
exact moment and cause of a death. Now, of course,
in a physical death, that's a very very serious matter.
(01:45):
But today we're talking about the death of relationships. What
is it that caused a relationship to end? Because, like
a person, a relationship is a living, breathing thing, and
they are our lives involved. And when a relationship is over,
(02:06):
we grieve, we mourn, sometimes we act out. But today
we're going to do a relationship inventory so that we
can find out what brought this living thing to the end,
what brought the end of the relationship, And we're going
(02:30):
to do some autopsies to see if we can determine
how these relationships met their demise. We're going to examine
to see if there was a cause, if there was
an issue, and if there was a culprit. Greetings beloved,
and welcome to the R spot. I understand that you
(02:53):
have a relationship that's no longer with you and you
would like to do an autopsy trying to understand the
cause of the demise. So tell me. Tell me about
the end of your relationship.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Well, the end of my relationship. It really ended with
me being in jail last Christmas, away from my three children.
Oh Lord, after I was assaulted by one he choked me.
I called the police for help and somehow I ended
up in handcuffs, And to this day I'm still upset.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
About me and somehow you ended up in What does
that mean? Somehow you ended up in handcuffs.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
They asked him what happened, and I gave my version
of the story, which was what happened. We were having
a discussion and kind of argued a little bit, and
he ended up jumping on top of me and choking me,
telling me he was going to end my life. So
I ended up calling nine one one and he left
the home, and then he came back a little later
(03:51):
and they interviewed him, and I finally saw exactly what
he told them when I got the body cam footage.
But he told them that we were arguing and when
he tried to get up and leave, I scratched him,
and he had scratches on his arm, of course, because
when I was being choked, I was trying to get
away from him. So they came placed me a handcuff
(04:12):
on December twenty second of last year, and I spent
four nights in jail, missing Christmas.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Oh my god, was that the first time that y'all
had fought?
Speaker 2 (04:25):
A month before? That was the first time we were arguing.
I was standing about three steps off the porch and
he pushed me, and that was the first time he
had put hands on me. And I was very shocked
about that, and I didn't leave, but I also stayed
through a whole bunch of mess. So my story could
go on for another hour if I had time.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
But do you understand that by the time he put
his hands on you, the relationship was already over.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Yes, ma'am, I understand that. Now we've been always from
each other for a year now or so.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Okay, was this your husband or no?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
It was not my husband. One who jumped in my
DM on social media, real polite and presenting himself in
such a way where I felt for the representatives.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
How long were you together?
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Fifteen months?
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Fifteen months? Yes, and you're talking about you went through
a lot of a lot of stuff. Oh, do tell
spill the tea, girls, spill the tea.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
I mean, in the very beginning, it was it was nice,
you know, everything was what I wanted it to be.
I was almost feeling like it was too good to
be true type thing. And you know, one night his
doorbell rang and there was a woman there, and he
stayed down there and talked for a minute, and I
(05:42):
ended up going, you know, checks he what was going on,
and I went back upstairs and I said I was
leaving but I ended up staying with him foolishly because
we had just started dating, so it was like a month,
and so I said, Okay, I'm gonna just let it
lie this with someone who you used to talk to,
and she just showed up. I let it go, and
(06:04):
I shouldn't have, because just things continued, from him talking
to other women, talking about me to other women, sending
nudes of himself to other women. I mean he tried
to solicit a prostitute one time. Yes, wait a.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Minute, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up? And
what does that mean? He tried to solicit a prostitute?
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (06:30):
From what I saw, I don't think it actually happened.
But he had gone out of town for just twenty
four hours, and when he came back, he asked me
to get his phone and order us some food if
he fell asleep. So he fell asleep and I go
to start ordering food. But I decided that I'm going
to go and check his text messages, and when I look,
(06:53):
i'd feel like twice is being thrown out, and I'm like.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
What are you looking for? How much?
Speaker 2 (06:59):
So I'm thinking he trying to buy some weed or something.
I don't know, and then I look at four o'clock
in the morning, and so I see that. The person says,
you know, I hope you don't mind, but I'm a midget.
And he says, I'm fine. And there's a picture that
sent and what wait.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Wait, wait, wait a minute. You drop all of this
these tea bags in my lap and you just keep
on going.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Yes, it's a little person.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
I'm not laughing, Yes I am.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
I mean I'm laughing now because I can't. I can
do that now. So it's okay.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
If other people last a month.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
And you saw signs of a disease, yeah, yeah, mm hm,
and you continued on, that's like you know, somebody has
the measles and you go lay up in the bed
with them.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
So you said a month in you saw the first
red flag.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Beloved, the cause of the death of this relationship was
an untreated illness. Yeah, you saw that early on and
continued to act like it wasn't a fever.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
I want to look back now. I get very angry
at myself for a lowing No, no, that's not angry.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Here's the question. What were you trying to get and
what did you settle for? What were you really trying
to get?
Speaker 2 (08:28):
I was trying to get a man who loved and
appreciated me for me, and that's what he presented, just
very early on. But then he would you know, these
things would happen, and I just kept making excuses for them,
and so I ended up settling for someone who treated
(08:48):
me well sometimes and treated me like crap most of
the time.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
So you wanted a man who loved and appreciated you
a month and he didn't. Yeah, but a month in
you knew that. So this relationship died from an untreated illness.
But the illness is yours, not his. He was just
(09:16):
doing what he do.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
The question becomes what inspired you motivated you to dishonor
your intuition to disregard what you knew and felt to
be true. Was it a fear that he was the
last one that you couldn't have what you wanted. There's
a lesson in there for you that sent you to therapy.
(09:42):
This relationship is not what sent you to therapy. The
disappointment in yourself for choosing him is probably what sent
you to therapy.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
So where are you now.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Right now? I'm in a very healthier mental space. I'm
not dating. I don't want to date. I'm still, you know,
trying to figure myself out, learning my boundaries and learning
what I will tolerate and what I won't. Of course,
you know, men approach me all the time, and even
the slightest little bit of disrespect in them trying to
(10:23):
even talk to me, and I'll just stop talking to
them all together. So I'm just I'm very respect from me,
distrust me. I feel like a man is disrespecting me
when he's trying to talk to me. And I'll just
use an example as a guy that did this to me.
We were having a general conversation about just regular stuff.
(10:45):
I think at one point we were talking about our kids,
and then out of the blue, he just says, send
me some masturbation pics or videos.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
I know you have some. Okay, that's not disrespectful, that's inappropriate.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah, well inappropriate, but I thought it was disrespectful towards me,
and so I just I told them that both of
those things.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
No, you know, guys are going to push and you know,
we live I don't know how old you are, but
we're living in a real different time. Those kinds of
things go along with the social media and the quick hit.
But you may be throwing away, you know, a nice
piece because you're all adjusting to different places. There's another
(11:30):
way to possibly deal with that.
Speaker 4 (11:32):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
I guess for I mean, I can agree with that.
I guess for me, I just felt like, I don't.
I don't. I don't want to engage in that type
of conversation. And I was very adamant about that, you know,
when we first started speaking, you know, I just I
just didn't feel like when I when I hear someone
say that to me, I just initially think that all
(11:55):
they're thinking about is wanting to have sex with me.
And that might be true, yeah, but I just feel
like it's the time to do that. And very early on,
in like two weeks of speaking to me, I just don't.
I don't appreciate it. So I just won't talk to
them anymore.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Well, why couldn't you say to him, tell me why
you think it's appropriate. Well, you to say that to me,
and you hardly know I did.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
I said that.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I said that almost he just he laughed off and
said he was just joking, which I know a lot
of guys do that. Whenever you don't respond to what
they're throwing out if they want to say as a joke.
And I just told him, you know, I don't feel
it was a joke, and don't joke with me that way.
You know, I was very I was trying to communicate
to him in a way to let him know that
(12:41):
what he said offended me. I asked him why he
would think that I would be receptive to that, and
he just kind of kept laughing at off. So then
I already knew that, Okay, you won't even try to
understand where I'm coming from.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
So well that the fact that he was laughing, that's
disrespectful because he should have. If he didn't take the
clue that he had somehow offended you, then he's off
the mark. Back to mister push you off the porch.
He was a symptom, not a cause. We'll talk about
(13:13):
that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot.
Let's pick up where we left off. I'm doing this
autopsy and so I'm gonna up open you up. I'm
doing it on you, okay, even though I'm doing it
(13:36):
on the relationship. So I'm gonna open you up. And
what I see, oh, in the heart valves. There's some
sadness that hasn't really been addressed. There's some trust stuff
that hasn't really been addressed. That's kind of infecting. Yeah,
(13:58):
it's just the pancreas over here. Yeah, maybe it's the liver.
Oh okay, Oh I see, Oh I got some worth
issues over here. M hmm yeah, worth, trust and sadness.
There's a heartbreak that you have that you never ever
(14:20):
dealt with. You learned how to move on, but that
thing has been what what is that word that they use,
it's it's been in there festering for a long time.
Does that make sense to you? Yes? I am. Oh,
(14:45):
so what happened was because you hadn't dealt with those
things and they metastasized and you're trying to live beyond them.
But I want to encourage you to go back to
the first heartbreak. Now I'm not clear just looking at
(15:06):
your pancreas in your heart and your living those kinds
of things. I'm not clear if they broke your heart
or if you broke their heart. But between the sadness,
the trust, and the worth issues, there's a long, hard
vein of unforgiveness. Makes sense? Yes, So this mister push
(15:33):
you off the porch. He just came to kick it
up so that you could see it. Clean it up,
get a clean bill of relationship health so that you
can go on and get what it is that you den'sire,
which is a man who loves and respects you just
as you are for who you are. He wasn't the problem.
(15:57):
He wasn't this was he was a learning tool. Mm hmm.
Because you can't have what you want the man who's
gonna love him, accept and respect you. You're going to
keep attracting these gutter snipes who want masturbation pictures, you know,
(16:22):
until you clean up the sadness to trust and the
worst and unforgiveness of clean that up for you.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
How old is that wound?
Speaker 1 (16:33):
How old is that wound?
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Uh have of my whole life?
Speaker 1 (16:41):
You have children?
Speaker 2 (16:44):
I have three, two daughters and the son.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
And how are your daughters doing?
Speaker 3 (16:51):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
My lord, yes, I know. That's why I asked the question.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
They're good kids, they're good girls. They're just they're getting
into things and trying to find their way, and I'm
trying to, you know, keep them on a path that
does not involve self destruction. So I'm working on that
their dad is present, but I pretty much take care
of everything. So and that's a lot, especially because they're teenagers.
(17:20):
My daughters are seventeen and fifteen, and then my son
is thirteen, and I don't really know how to deal
with him because he's a boy.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
All right, I want to give you your prescription, okay,
because if we did this autopsy, I got to tell
you my findings. Okay, you have an untreated You have
an untreated illness of sadness, trust and unworthiness mm hmm.
(17:51):
That has metastasized and is infecting your desire to be
a loving, intimate, rest, respectful, safe, safe partnership with somebody.
Safety is a thing for you too. Yes, So I
(18:11):
want you to go get a copy of Forgiveness forty
days to forgive everyone for everything, and it's going to
help you forgive thoughts, forgive beliefs, forgive people, particularly your
mom and dad, and forgive yourself. You can do an
(18:32):
exercise every day. It could take you forty days to
get through that book, or it could take you four years.
It really depends, okay, And my discharge instructions for you
and you sit you in the relationship, er get your
(18:53):
focus off of that relationship. That thing is that was
just a false read. And really talk with your therapist
if you're still in therapy about the sadness, yeah, and
the worth stuff. Really talk with him about Okay, you know,
go back and tell that story where your heart first
(19:16):
got broken, because that's what you're carrying. Okay, So take
your medicine and no dating some of this malignancy cleared out.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
I am not dating.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
No, and I'm not telling you four or five years.
I'm talking, you know, until you get some of this
malignancy cleaned out. And what's malignant in you is the
belief that you can't have what you want. That's what
you're spreading, the belief that you can't have what you want.
(19:53):
And it goes all the way back to that first heartbreak.
I think it may have been more than one, but yeah,
so go back there and do that.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Okay, Okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Okay, thank you, my love, thank you, Okay, bye bye.
So often we focus on the symptoms and either treating
or ignoring them, that we forget to look for the
(20:27):
cause of the illness or the root of the infection.
And untreated illnesses, untreated diseases, untreated hurts and wounds, they
will attract partners that will trigger them up, that will
(20:48):
stick their finger right into the very thing that hurts you.
So the key here is doing a relationship autopsy is
very important because you want to understand what little kooties
could be hiding in the crevices of your mind and
(21:08):
your heart. You want to clean that bacteria out, what
happened before, what hurts you before, what you thought about before,
what they did to you before, Clean that bacteria out
so that you don't attract people who will trigger those
(21:32):
things up. Oh, I think it's time to do another
autops Greetings and welcome to the R spot. We are
doing relationship autopsies today. So I understand you have a
relationship that is no longer with you. Yes, how did
the thing die?
Speaker 3 (21:54):
Well, if I'm being honest, it died a long time ago.
But the final straw for me was a few months ago.
He made the decision that he was going to leave
his nine to five job and go to school. And
(22:16):
I was very concerned about that because we had just
gotten back into a place where we were on top
of our bills and our financial responsibilities, and I myself
had just started a new job, and I was afraid
that I wouldn't be able to handle the full responsibility
of the finances if he left his job to go
(22:37):
to school. Now, he had the option to go to
school on the weekends and still work during the week,
but he wanted to go during the week, so, you know,
we argued about it back and forth, and I guess
finally I just said, well, dude, you're going to do
whatever you want to do now. He did make a
(22:58):
promise that he would pick up another side gig, like
an Amazon Flex type of job, and he would do
that to supplement the income so that we can continue
to pay the bills on time. And he did that
for a few weeks, and then slowly he stopped doing that.
(23:18):
I never seen the certification of him actually finishing school.
And this is the type of thing that happened throughout
the eighteen years of our relationship on and off.
Speaker 4 (23:31):
Yes, eighteen years, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
And you said, how long ago did it die? This
dead thing laying around yea from year, one year, ten year,
when did it actually die? Take a breath and ask yourself,
I know my relationship died.
Speaker 3 (23:53):
When I know my relationship died when I realized in
the first year that he had no and was not
willing to really have a connection with my mine. My
son at that time was a year old when we
(24:14):
first got together. Now connection with your son, no real connection, no,
no nurturing in the way that a man or a
father is supposed to be with a child. And I
blame myself because I noticed.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
No blame, no blame, no blame. Okay, let's not blame,
because that's not helpful, and that is that is going
to increase the disease. Okay, and living in a dead
thing for eighteen years.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
I have my.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Inquiry, and it's curiosity, not to beat you up.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
My inquiry is, why would you stay with a man
who had no connection with your son? What did you
tell yourself?
Speaker 3 (25:07):
Well, I told myself that as long as he wasn't
physically abusing my child or sexually abusing my child, and
you know that it was okay. As long as I
could trust him with my child, as far as the
(25:27):
abuse part of it was concerned, then we could work
on everything else. You know, we could work on building
a relationship between him and my son. And I tried
many times and It just never seemed to connect. It
never really happened.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Well, what about emotional abuse? Because to not be wanted?
And if he was there, it was your son's father
in his life. No, so the father wasn't in his
life bring this man into his life with no heart
to heart, soul to soul connection. Did you consider that
(26:08):
as emotional abuse? I wanted to be rejected, to be discounted,
to be diminished.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
No, I didn't. I didn't know that that was considered
emotional abuse until later years when I realized that not
only was it emotional abuse for my son, but there
was emotional abuse towards myself as well.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
So we'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome
back to the art spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
You stayed in a dead thing for seventeen years. What
did that look like? Spill a tea, girl, What did
(26:55):
that look like?
Speaker 3 (26:58):
There was a lot of break up and getting back together.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Instability. That's that's a cause of death. Instability. Go ahead?
Speaker 3 (27:05):
What else he had proposed to me? Three times? And
the first two times I.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Told no, lack of lack of commitment, that's a cause
of death. I had. What else?
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I just I was always on the inside feeling like
I deserve more, that I wanted more, and that I
wanted something different.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
Settling for less than you want, settling for lessen that's
a that's a disease that will rock the thing from
the inside out. Settling for less than you want? Mm hmm,
what else? Go ahead?
Speaker 3 (27:47):
And I feel as though anything that he did, little
or small would trigger me to say spiteful things or
to get into some type of an argument with him.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
And lord, you wasn't infected by the foul lip monster. Yes,
when a woman lets the foul lip monster bite her lip,
oh my lord, that's just gonna spread disease everywhere.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
I told myself that, you know, it would get better,
and there would be times where it would be better
for a little while, but it was always temporary. I
feel as though I became lazy and complacent within the relationship.
I would allow things that I should have spoke up about.
(28:38):
I would let him go and I wouldn't say anything
about them, and it would just.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
Like disability such as such as what come on, spility,
come on with Jina? We down in the nerves. We
got to do this autopsy. We got to look at
every cell, every atom, every more organ, every tissue, every muscle, spillity,
go ahead, what you'd let go?
Speaker 3 (29:00):
Let go of the things that he would do that
I would forewarn him about prior to and let him
know that, you know, this is going to affect us.
And I would still go along with him making those
bad decisions, and then you know, I would have to
be the person to clean it up, and then I
would be mad at him and we would you know,
(29:21):
argue and fight about that. I didn't speak up about
the way that he did his own children outside of
our relationship. I noticed that he was not connected to
any of his children out So he had three children
outside of our relationship prior to our relationship, and I
tried to get him involved with them, and he wouldn't,
(29:44):
and you know, it was always some type of excuse
or he would always shut me down and I would
let that go. There were so many things that I
would let go him, you know, getting fired from jobs
or quitting jobs, or lying about going to work and
not really going to work, even though I would know
that he was lying, and I wouldn't say anything, and
(30:06):
I would let it go, or I would wait until
it built up and then I would say something, I
would explode and there would be an emotional heaviness on
me and I would have to release it and tell
him what was going on. But by then he seemed
to be really unaware of what was going on, because
(30:27):
time had passed and things had went on, and I
guess he thought everything was okay. There were so many
things that I lied to myself about. I lied to
myself about the fact that I was happy in the
relationship when I wasn't happy.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Wow, Wow, you are really really clear about the depth
of the disease that infected and killed this relationship. I
want to go all the way back to the beginning
eighteen years ago, when you recognized.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
That he.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Couldn't connect with your son, or didn't connect with your son,
and you stayed in the relationship someplace in you, maybe
between your little toe and your other toe, or maybe
on your lower eye lid, right under there where the
(31:30):
lashes are little, teeny fine lashes. Yes, were you trying
to make him into what you wanted him to represent,
which was a father for you? Okay?
Speaker 3 (31:44):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (31:46):
So did you ever accept him for who he was?
I mean, did you respect him? Did you require him
to be responsible. Were you just trying to you? Did
you did respect him?
Speaker 3 (32:01):
I did.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Well before you put your foot in your mouth and
then you have your toe stuck between your teeth. You're
telling me you respected a man that you live with,
share the bed with, share a home with, who wouldn't
connect with your son. You respected a man who didn't
(32:28):
connect with his children and who didn't connect with your son.
You respected him.
Speaker 3 (32:34):
Well, I guess what I should be saying is that
I was respectful to him, now that you have put
it in.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Except me, except when the file lip monster got you
and you said vindictive little things. When your file lip
monster got you, then you lost.
Speaker 3 (32:49):
Okay, yes, yes, correct, So in actuality, I didn't respect him,
and I didn't realize that during the relationship. I really didn't.
I didn't realize until this very moment when you mentioned
that that I didn't respect him.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Well, let me just say this, beloved, clutch your pearls.
This is pearl clutching die. Not that you didn't respect him,
It's that you didn't respect yourself. Yes, didn't respect yourself
as a woman, didn't respect yourself as a mother. Because
one of the most blessed and complicated relationships there can be.
(33:34):
It's a relationship between a mother and a son. And
you allowed into your life. You allowed into your life
a man who didn't respect the fruit of your wound
that you gotta sit in that doesn't have any you know.
(33:55):
This relationship was.
Speaker 4 (33:57):
Still born, yes, da, yes, but that grew.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
From your the death of something in you. Yes, the
death of something in you, because you can only give
what you have. I'd be interested to know what your
your self talk. You said was a bunch of lives.
It's going to get better. I'm happy and I'm not.
(34:30):
I can do this and I'm you know, so that's disrespectful.
So he just showed you what you've done to yourself.
Oh what a blessing. Wow, thank him?
Speaker 3 (34:40):
M yes, wow.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
It doesn't sound like you ever from the moment you
said year one, when you recognize he didn't connect with
your son. Yes, so so you just stayed around. I
can't even call you a vampire because you wasn't even sucking.
I thought nothing what you was doing? What a powerful
learning opportunity. Look what you have set up for yourself.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
So this autopsy is on a still birth. Wasn't dead.
It was kept the law. It was on life support.
It's life depended on you, and you had an unclear
intention about why you wanted it to live. Yeah, it
(35:32):
was on a respirator. It was on that heart thingy
that goes up. It was making all kinds of noises
and whistles.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
And yes, So.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
What a powerful learning experience because you never healed the
break from you and your son's father and the shame
of that, the guilt of that, whatever was present. You
just took that into the relationship. So my prescription for you, beloved,
is to go back there and heal that up. Really
(36:09):
look at that. But I really want to encourage you,
my beloved, to go back and clean that up. Go
back in your heart and your mind and clean that up.
Speaker 3 (36:20):
I don't even know if I know how to do that.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
Forgiveness, yes, uh huh. And you so you know, I
have lived a life where I've denied my intuition and
I forgive myself. I've lived a life where I didn't
believe I could have what I want, and I forgive myself.
This is all about forgiveness. Were you It really is?
(36:49):
And I stayed with the man that I knew wasn't
right for me. Because I didn't believe I could have
what I wanted.
Speaker 4 (36:55):
And I forgive myself.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
Yeah, And I've taken my son through an unhealthy manhood
experience that could effect him. And I forgive myself.
Speaker 3 (37:15):
Yes, I forgive myself.
Speaker 4 (37:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
What else would you forgive yourself? For my love?
Speaker 3 (37:21):
I forgive myself for not leaving and myself that I could,
that I could be what I wanted to be, do what.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
I wanted to do, Yes, and have what you wanted
to have. And my my discharge instructions for you is
to get a divorce.
Speaker 4 (37:41):
Yes, Yes, get a divorce.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
Forget separation because you all have a history of separating
and going back together, but you're not going. This thing
is on life support.
Speaker 3 (37:53):
Pull a plug, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Pull the plug, because there's nothing here that can be resurrected,
nothing except your faith and trust in yourself and the
belief that you can have what you want that can
be resurrected.
Speaker 3 (38:11):
Yes, ma'am, and I have started on that journey. I'm
so grateful that I had the opportunity to speak with you.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
You know, our heart, and particularly our heart as women,
has so much grace and mercy. It will never give
us or take us in the situations that we're unprepared for.
And everything that you've been through, lived through, done in
(38:39):
these eighteen years is exactly what you needed to do
to bring you to this moment, to come home to yourself,
to be able to do the work to move yourself
to the next level. You're gonna be all right, That's
what Todd Dribbitt said. Wow, were gonna be all right.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
Yes, thank you so much, Thank you, my love.
Speaker 1 (39:02):
You have a good day too.
Speaker 3 (39:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (39:07):
You can only give what you have and you can
only receive what you give. And when we do not
allow ourself to know the truth, to tell the truth,
it is going to be hard to find truth in
(39:28):
a relationship. And sometimes we don't tell the truth because
we don't know what to do about it. So since
we don't know what to do about the truth, we
act like the truth doesn't exist. That's a death blow
to any relationship, the relationship with yourself, the relationship with
(39:50):
other people. Not telling the truth, not acknowledging the truth,
not embracing the truth, will put your relationship on life support.
And sometimes the only way to pull a plug is
to tell the truth. And you know, sometimes people are
on a respirator and forever, and they pull a plug.
(40:11):
They think the person's gonna die, and they don't. If
you can tell the truth, pull a plug on the denial,
the resistance, the self abuse, whatever else you want to
call it, pull a plug on that. And if that
relationship is supposed to live, it will. I hope that
you know something now that you didn't know. When you're
(40:33):
tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace
and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
(40:57):
you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 3 (41:00):
No
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:35):
Great Day, Great Day, Great Day. Welcome to the R Spot.
I am your host, your guide, your support for today
as we take a look through, a look at, a
look over all things relationships and today we are doing
something very interesting. You know, medical professional or the coroner
(01:01):
will perform an autopsy after a death to determine what
caused the end of the life. Now, this information can
be very helpful and determining whether it was foul play,
if there was a potential disease on the loose, if
(01:24):
there was poison, if the death resulted from arson, homicide, murder.
It can be very interesting to kind of pinpoint the
exact moment and cause of a death. Now, of course,
in a physical death, that's a very very serious matter.
(01:45):
But today we're talking about the death of relationships. What
is it that caused a relationship to end? Because, like
a person, a relationship is a living, breathing thing, and
they are our lives involved. And when a relationship is over,
(02:06):
we grieve, we mourn, sometimes we act out. But today
we're going to do a relationship inventory so that we
can find out what brought this living thing to the end,
what brought the end of the relationship, And we're going
(02:30):
to do some autopsies to see if we can determine
how these relationships met their demise. We're going to examine
to see if there was a cause, if there was
an issue, and if there was a culprit. Greetings beloved,
and welcome to the R spot. I understand that you
(02:53):
have a relationship that's no longer with you and you
would like to do an autopsy trying to understand the
cause of the demise. So tell me. Tell me about
the end of your relationship.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Well, the end of my relationship. It really ended with
me being in jail last Christmas, away from my three children.
Oh Lord, after I was assaulted by one he choked me.
I called the police for help and somehow I ended
up in handcuffs, And to this day I'm still upset.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
About me and somehow you ended up in What does
that mean? Somehow you ended up in handcuffs.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
They asked him what happened, and I gave my version
of the story, which was what happened. We were having
a discussion and kind of argued a little bit, and
he ended up jumping on top of me and choking me,
telling me he was going to end my life. So
I ended up calling nine one one and he left
the home, and then he came back a little later
(03:51):
and they interviewed him, and I finally saw exactly what
he told them when I got the body cam footage.
But he told them that we were arguing and when
he tried to get up and leave, I scratched him,
and he had scratches on his arm, of course, because
when I was being choked, I was trying to get
away from him. So they came placed me a handcuff
(04:12):
on December twenty second of last year, and I spent
four nights in jail, missing Christmas.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Oh my god, was that the first time that y'all
had fought?
Speaker 2 (04:25):
A month before? That was the first time we were arguing.
I was standing about three steps off the porch and
he pushed me, and that was the first time he
had put hands on me. And I was very shocked
about that, and I didn't leave, but I also stayed
through a whole bunch of mess. So my story could
go on for another hour if I had time.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
But do you understand that by the time he put
his hands on you, the relationship was already over.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Yes, ma'am, I understand that. Now we've been always from
each other for a year now or so.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Okay, was this your husband or no?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
It was not my husband. One who jumped in my
DM on social media, real polite and presenting himself in
such a way where I felt for the representatives.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
How long were you together?
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Fifteen months?
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Fifteen months? Yes, and you're talking about you went through
a lot of a lot of stuff. Oh, do tell
spill the tea, girls, spill the tea.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
I mean, in the very beginning, it was it was nice,
you know, everything was what I wanted it to be.
I was almost feeling like it was too good to
be true type thing. And you know, one night his
doorbell rang and there was a woman there, and he
stayed down there and talked for a minute, and I
(05:42):
ended up going, you know, checks he what was going on,
and I went back upstairs and I said I was
leaving but I ended up staying with him foolishly because
we had just started dating, so it was like a month,
and so I said, Okay, I'm gonna just let it
lie this with someone who you used to talk to,
and she just showed up. I let it go, and
(06:04):
I shouldn't have, because just things continued, from him talking
to other women, talking about me to other women, sending
nudes of himself to other women. I mean he tried
to solicit a prostitute one time. Yes, wait a.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Minute, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up? And
what does that mean? He tried to solicit a prostitute?
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (06:30):
From what I saw, I don't think it actually happened.
But he had gone out of town for just twenty
four hours, and when he came back, he asked me
to get his phone and order us some food if
he fell asleep. So he fell asleep and I go
to start ordering food. But I decided that I'm going
to go and check his text messages, and when I look,
(06:53):
i'd feel like twice is being thrown out, and I'm like.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
What are you looking for? How much?
Speaker 2 (06:59):
So I'm thinking he trying to buy some weed or something.
I don't know, and then I look at four o'clock
in the morning, and so I see that. The person says,
you know, I hope you don't mind, but I'm a midget.
And he says, I'm fine. And there's a picture that
sent and what wait.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Wait, wait, wait a minute. You drop all of this
these tea bags in my lap and you just keep
on going.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Yes, it's a little person.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
I'm not laughing, Yes I am.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
I mean I'm laughing now because I can't. I can
do that now. So it's okay.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
If other people last a month.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
And you saw signs of a disease, yeah, yeah, mm hm,
and you continued on, that's like you know, somebody has
the measles and you go lay up in the bed
with them.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
So you said a month in you saw the first
red flag.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Beloved, the cause of the death of this relationship was
an untreated illness. Yeah, you saw that early on and
continued to act like it wasn't a fever.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
I want to look back now. I get very angry
at myself for a lowing No, no, that's not angry.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Here's the question. What were you trying to get and
what did you settle for? What were you really trying
to get?
Speaker 2 (08:28):
I was trying to get a man who loved and
appreciated me for me, and that's what he presented, just
very early on. But then he would you know, these
things would happen, and I just kept making excuses for them,
and so I ended up settling for someone who treated
(08:48):
me well sometimes and treated me like crap most of
the time.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
So you wanted a man who loved and appreciated you
a month and he didn't. Yeah, but a month in
you knew that. So this relationship died from an untreated illness.
But the illness is yours, not his. He was just
(09:16):
doing what he do.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
The question becomes what inspired you motivated you to dishonor
your intuition to disregard what you knew and felt to
be true. Was it a fear that he was the
last one that you couldn't have what you wanted. There's
a lesson in there for you that sent you to therapy.
(09:42):
This relationship is not what sent you to therapy. The
disappointment in yourself for choosing him is probably what sent
you to therapy.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
So where are you now.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Right now? I'm in a very healthier mental space. I'm
not dating. I don't want to date. I'm still, you know,
trying to figure myself out, learning my boundaries and learning
what I will tolerate and what I won't. Of course,
you know, men approach me all the time, and even
the slightest little bit of disrespect in them trying to
(10:23):
even talk to me, and I'll just stop talking to
them all together. So I'm just I'm very respect from me,
distrust me. I feel like a man is disrespecting me
when he's trying to talk to me. And I'll just
use an example as a guy that did this to me.
We were having a general conversation about just regular stuff.
(10:45):
I think at one point we were talking about our kids,
and then out of the blue, he just says, send
me some masturbation pics or videos.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
I know you have some. Okay, that's not disrespectful, that's inappropriate.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah, well inappropriate, but I thought it was disrespectful towards me,
and so I just I told them that both of
those things.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
No, you know, guys are going to push and you know,
we live I don't know how old you are, but
we're living in a real different time. Those kinds of
things go along with the social media and the quick hit.
But you may be throwing away, you know, a nice
piece because you're all adjusting to different places. There's another
(11:30):
way to possibly deal with that.
Speaker 4 (11:32):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
I guess for I mean, I can agree with that.
I guess for me, I just felt like, I don't.
I don't. I don't want to engage in that type
of conversation. And I was very adamant about that, you know,
when we first started speaking, you know, I just I
just didn't feel like when I when I hear someone
say that to me, I just initially think that all
(11:55):
they're thinking about is wanting to have sex with me.
And that might be true, yeah, but I just feel
like it's the time to do that. And very early on,
in like two weeks of speaking to me, I just don't.
I don't appreciate it. So I just won't talk to
them anymore.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Well, why couldn't you say to him, tell me why
you think it's appropriate. Well, you to say that to me,
and you hardly know I did.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
I said that.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I said that almost he just he laughed off and
said he was just joking, which I know a lot
of guys do that. Whenever you don't respond to what
they're throwing out if they want to say as a joke.
And I just told him, you know, I don't feel
it was a joke, and don't joke with me that way.
You know, I was very I was trying to communicate
to him in a way to let him know that
(12:41):
what he said offended me. I asked him why he
would think that I would be receptive to that, and
he just kind of kept laughing at off. So then
I already knew that, Okay, you won't even try to
understand where I'm coming from.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
So well that the fact that he was laughing, that's
disrespectful because he should have. If he didn't take the
clue that he had somehow offended you, then he's off
the mark. Back to mister push you off the porch.
He was a symptom, not a cause. We'll talk about
(13:13):
that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot.
Let's pick up where we left off. I'm doing this
autopsy and so I'm gonna up open you up. I'm
doing it on you, okay, even though I'm doing it
(13:36):
on the relationship. So I'm gonna open you up. And
what I see, oh, in the heart valves. There's some
sadness that hasn't really been addressed. There's some trust stuff
that hasn't really been addressed. That's kind of infecting. Yeah,
(13:58):
it's just the pancreas over here. Yeah, maybe it's the liver.
Oh okay, Oh I see, Oh I got some worth
issues over here. M hmm yeah, worth, trust and sadness.
There's a heartbreak that you have that you never ever
(14:20):
dealt with. You learned how to move on, but that
thing has been what what is that word that they use,
it's it's been in there festering for a long time.
Does that make sense to you? Yes? I am. Oh,
(14:45):
so what happened was because you hadn't dealt with those
things and they metastasized and you're trying to live beyond them.
But I want to encourage you to go back to
the first heartbreak. Now I'm not clear just looking at
(15:06):
your pancreas in your heart and your living those kinds
of things. I'm not clear if they broke your heart
or if you broke their heart. But between the sadness,
the trust, and the worth issues, there's a long, hard
vein of unforgiveness. Makes sense? Yes, So this mister push
(15:33):
you off the porch. He just came to kick it
up so that you could see it. Clean it up,
get a clean bill of relationship health so that you
can go on and get what it is that you den'sire,
which is a man who loves and respects you just
as you are for who you are. He wasn't the problem.
(15:57):
He wasn't this was he was a learning tool. Mm hmm.
Because you can't have what you want the man who's
gonna love him, accept and respect you. You're going to
keep attracting these gutter snipes who want masturbation pictures, you know,
(16:22):
until you clean up the sadness to trust and the
worst and unforgiveness of clean that up for you.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
How old is that wound?
Speaker 1 (16:33):
How old is that wound?
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Uh have of my whole life?
Speaker 1 (16:41):
You have children?
Speaker 2 (16:44):
I have three, two daughters and the son.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
And how are your daughters doing?
Speaker 3 (16:51):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
My lord, yes, I know. That's why I asked the question.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
They're good kids, they're good girls. They're just they're getting
into things and trying to find their way, and I'm
trying to, you know, keep them on a path that
does not involve self destruction. So I'm working on that
their dad is present, but I pretty much take care
of everything. So and that's a lot, especially because they're teenagers.
(17:20):
My daughters are seventeen and fifteen, and then my son
is thirteen, and I don't really know how to deal
with him because he's a boy.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
All right, I want to give you your prescription, okay,
because if we did this autopsy, I got to tell
you my findings. Okay, you have an untreated You have
an untreated illness of sadness, trust and unworthiness mm hmm.
(17:51):
That has metastasized and is infecting your desire to be
a loving, intimate, rest, respectful, safe, safe partnership with somebody.
Safety is a thing for you too. Yes, So I
(18:11):
want you to go get a copy of Forgiveness forty
days to forgive everyone for everything, and it's going to
help you forgive thoughts, forgive beliefs, forgive people, particularly your
mom and dad, and forgive yourself. You can do an
(18:32):
exercise every day. It could take you forty days to
get through that book, or it could take you four years.
It really depends, okay, And my discharge instructions for you
and you sit you in the relationship, er get your
(18:53):
focus off of that relationship. That thing is that was
just a false read. And really talk with your therapist
if you're still in therapy about the sadness, yeah, and
the worth stuff. Really talk with him about Okay, you know,
go back and tell that story where your heart first
(19:16):
got broken, because that's what you're carrying. Okay, So take
your medicine and no dating some of this malignancy cleared out.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
I am not dating.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
No, and I'm not telling you four or five years.
I'm talking, you know, until you get some of this
malignancy cleaned out. And what's malignant in you is the
belief that you can't have what you want. That's what
you're spreading, the belief that you can't have what you want.
(19:53):
And it goes all the way back to that first heartbreak.
I think it may have been more than one, but yeah,
so go back there and do that.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Okay, Okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Okay, thank you, my love, thank you, Okay, bye bye.
So often we focus on the symptoms and either treating
or ignoring them, that we forget to look for the
(20:27):
cause of the illness or the root of the infection.
And untreated illnesses, untreated diseases, untreated hurts and wounds, they
will attract partners that will trigger them up, that will
(20:48):
stick their finger right into the very thing that hurts you.
So the key here is doing a relationship autopsy is
very important because you want to understand what little kooties
could be hiding in the crevices of your mind and
(21:08):
your heart. You want to clean that bacteria out, what
happened before, what hurts you before, what you thought about before,
what they did to you before, Clean that bacteria out
so that you don't attract people who will trigger those
(21:32):
things up. Oh, I think it's time to do another
autops Greetings and welcome to the R spot. We are
doing relationship autopsies today. So I understand you have a
relationship that is no longer with you. Yes, how did
the thing die?
Speaker 3 (21:54):
Well, if I'm being honest, it died a long time ago.
But the final straw for me was a few months ago.
He made the decision that he was going to leave
his nine to five job and go to school. And
(22:16):
I was very concerned about that because we had just
gotten back into a place where we were on top
of our bills and our financial responsibilities, and I myself
had just started a new job, and I was afraid
that I wouldn't be able to handle the full responsibility
of the finances if he left his job to go
(22:37):
to school. Now, he had the option to go to
school on the weekends and still work during the week,
but he wanted to go during the week, so, you know,
we argued about it back and forth, and I guess
finally I just said, well, dude, you're going to do
whatever you want to do now. He did make a
(22:58):
promise that he would pick up another side gig, like
an Amazon Flex type of job, and he would do
that to supplement the income so that we can continue
to pay the bills on time. And he did that
for a few weeks, and then slowly he stopped doing that.
(23:18):
I never seen the certification of him actually finishing school.
And this is the type of thing that happened throughout
the eighteen years of our relationship on and off.
Speaker 4 (23:31):
Yes, eighteen years, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
And you said, how long ago did it die? This
dead thing laying around yea from year, one year, ten year,
when did it actually die? Take a breath and ask yourself,
I know my relationship died.
Speaker 3 (23:53):
When I know my relationship died when I realized in
the first year that he had no and was not
willing to really have a connection with my mine. My
son at that time was a year old when we
(24:14):
first got together. Now connection with your son, no real connection, no,
no nurturing in the way that a man or a
father is supposed to be with a child. And I
blame myself because I noticed.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
No blame, no blame, no blame. Okay, let's not blame,
because that's not helpful, and that is that is going
to increase the disease. Okay, and living in a dead
thing for eighteen years.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
I have my.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Inquiry, and it's curiosity, not to beat you up.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
My inquiry is, why would you stay with a man
who had no connection with your son? What did you
tell yourself?
Speaker 3 (25:07):
Well, I told myself that as long as he wasn't
physically abusing my child or sexually abusing my child, and
you know that it was okay. As long as I
could trust him with my child, as far as the
(25:27):
abuse part of it was concerned, then we could work
on everything else. You know, we could work on building
a relationship between him and my son. And I tried
many times and It just never seemed to connect. It
never really happened.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Well, what about emotional abuse? Because to not be wanted?
And if he was there, it was your son's father
in his life. No, so the father wasn't in his
life bring this man into his life with no heart
to heart, soul to soul connection. Did you consider that
(26:08):
as emotional abuse? I wanted to be rejected, to be discounted,
to be diminished.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
No, I didn't. I didn't know that that was considered
emotional abuse until later years when I realized that not
only was it emotional abuse for my son, but there
was emotional abuse towards myself as well.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
So we'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome
back to the art spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
You stayed in a dead thing for seventeen years. What
did that look like? Spill a tea, girl, What did
(26:55):
that look like?
Speaker 3 (26:58):
There was a lot of break up and getting back together.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Instability. That's that's a cause of death. Instability. Go ahead?
Speaker 3 (27:05):
What else he had proposed to me? Three times? And
the first two times I.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Told no, lack of lack of commitment, that's a cause
of death. I had. What else?
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I just I was always on the inside feeling like
I deserve more, that I wanted more, and that I
wanted something different.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
Settling for less than you want, settling for lessen that's
a that's a disease that will rock the thing from
the inside out. Settling for less than you want? Mm hmm,
what else? Go ahead?
Speaker 3 (27:47):
And I feel as though anything that he did, little
or small would trigger me to say spiteful things or
to get into some type of an argument with him.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
And lord, you wasn't infected by the foul lip monster. Yes,
when a woman lets the foul lip monster bite her lip,
oh my lord, that's just gonna spread disease everywhere.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
I told myself that, you know, it would get better,
and there would be times where it would be better
for a little while, but it was always temporary. I
feel as though I became lazy and complacent within the relationship.
I would allow things that I should have spoke up about.
(28:38):
I would let him go and I wouldn't say anything
about them, and it would just.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
Like disability such as such as what come on, spility,
come on with Jina? We down in the nerves. We
got to do this autopsy. We got to look at
every cell, every atom, every more organ, every tissue, every muscle, spillity,
go ahead, what you'd let go?
Speaker 3 (29:00):
Let go of the things that he would do that
I would forewarn him about prior to and let him
know that, you know, this is going to affect us.
And I would still go along with him making those
bad decisions, and then you know, I would have to
be the person to clean it up, and then I
would be mad at him and we would you know,
(29:21):
argue and fight about that. I didn't speak up about
the way that he did his own children outside of
our relationship. I noticed that he was not connected to
any of his children out So he had three children
outside of our relationship prior to our relationship, and I
tried to get him involved with them, and he wouldn't,
(29:44):
and you know, it was always some type of excuse
or he would always shut me down and I would
let that go. There were so many things that I
would let go him, you know, getting fired from jobs
or quitting jobs, or lying about going to work and
not really going to work, even though I would know
that he was lying, and I wouldn't say anything, and
(30:06):
I would let it go, or I would wait until
it built up and then I would say something, I
would explode and there would be an emotional heaviness on
me and I would have to release it and tell
him what was going on. But by then he seemed
to be really unaware of what was going on, because
(30:27):
time had passed and things had went on, and I
guess he thought everything was okay. There were so many
things that I lied to myself about. I lied to
myself about the fact that I was happy in the
relationship when I wasn't happy.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Wow, Wow, you are really really clear about the depth
of the disease that infected and killed this relationship. I
want to go all the way back to the beginning
eighteen years ago, when you recognized.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
That he.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Couldn't connect with your son, or didn't connect with your son,
and you stayed in the relationship someplace in you, maybe
between your little toe and your other toe, or maybe
on your lower eye lid, right under there where the
(31:30):
lashes are little, teeny fine lashes. Yes, were you trying
to make him into what you wanted him to represent,
which was a father for you? Okay?
Speaker 3 (31:44):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (31:46):
So did you ever accept him for who he was?
I mean, did you respect him? Did you require him
to be responsible. Were you just trying to you? Did
you did respect him?
Speaker 3 (32:01):
I did.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Well before you put your foot in your mouth and
then you have your toe stuck between your teeth. You're
telling me you respected a man that you live with,
share the bed with, share a home with, who wouldn't
connect with your son. You respected a man who didn't
(32:28):
connect with his children and who didn't connect with your son.
You respected him.
Speaker 3 (32:34):
Well, I guess what I should be saying is that
I was respectful to him, now that you have put
it in.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Except me, except when the file lip monster got you
and you said vindictive little things. When your file lip
monster got you, then you lost.
Speaker 3 (32:49):
Okay, yes, yes, correct, So in actuality, I didn't respect him,
and I didn't realize that during the relationship. I really didn't.
I didn't realize until this very moment when you mentioned
that that I didn't respect him.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Well, let me just say this, beloved, clutch your pearls.
This is pearl clutching die. Not that you didn't respect him,
It's that you didn't respect yourself. Yes, didn't respect yourself
as a woman, didn't respect yourself as a mother. Because
one of the most blessed and complicated relationships there can be.
(33:34):
It's a relationship between a mother and a son. And
you allowed into your life. You allowed into your life
a man who didn't respect the fruit of your wound
that you gotta sit in that doesn't have any you know.
(33:55):
This relationship was.
Speaker 4 (33:57):
Still born, yes, da, yes, but that grew.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
From your the death of something in you. Yes, the
death of something in you, because you can only give
what you have. I'd be interested to know what your
your self talk. You said was a bunch of lives.
It's going to get better. I'm happy and I'm not.
(34:30):
I can do this and I'm you know, so that's disrespectful.
So he just showed you what you've done to yourself.
Oh what a blessing. Wow, thank him?
Speaker 3 (34:40):
M yes, wow.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
It doesn't sound like you ever from the moment you
said year one, when you recognize he didn't connect with
your son. Yes, so so you just stayed around. I
can't even call you a vampire because you wasn't even sucking.
I thought nothing what you was doing? What a powerful
learning opportunity. Look what you have set up for yourself.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
So this autopsy is on a still birth. Wasn't dead.
It was kept the law. It was on life support.
It's life depended on you, and you had an unclear
intention about why you wanted it to live. Yeah, it
(35:32):
was on a respirator. It was on that heart thingy
that goes up. It was making all kinds of noises
and whistles.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
And yes, So.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
What a powerful learning experience because you never healed the
break from you and your son's father and the shame
of that, the guilt of that, whatever was present. You
just took that into the relationship. So my prescription for you, beloved,
is to go back there and heal that up. Really
(36:09):
look at that. But I really want to encourage you,
my beloved, to go back and clean that up. Go
back in your heart and your mind and clean that up.
Speaker 3 (36:20):
I don't even know if I know how to do that.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
Forgiveness, yes, uh huh. And you so you know, I
have lived a life where I've denied my intuition and
I forgive myself. I've lived a life where I didn't
believe I could have what I want, and I forgive myself.
This is all about forgiveness. Were you It really is?
(36:49):
And I stayed with the man that I knew wasn't
right for me. Because I didn't believe I could have
what I wanted.
Speaker 4 (36:55):
And I forgive myself.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
Yeah, And I've taken my son through an unhealthy manhood
experience that could effect him. And I forgive myself.
Speaker 3 (37:15):
Yes, I forgive myself.
Speaker 4 (37:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
What else would you forgive yourself? For my love?
Speaker 3 (37:21):
I forgive myself for not leaving and myself that I could,
that I could be what I wanted to be, do what.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
I wanted to do, Yes, and have what you wanted
to have. And my my discharge instructions for you is
to get a divorce.
Speaker 4 (37:41):
Yes, Yes, get a divorce.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
Forget separation because you all have a history of separating
and going back together, but you're not going. This thing
is on life support.
Speaker 3 (37:53):
Pull a plug, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Pull the plug, because there's nothing here that can be resurrected,
nothing except your faith and trust in yourself and the
belief that you can have what you want that can
be resurrected.
Speaker 3 (38:11):
Yes, ma'am, and I have started on that journey. I'm
so grateful that I had the opportunity to speak with you.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
You know, our heart, and particularly our heart as women,
has so much grace and mercy. It will never give
us or take us in the situations that we're unprepared for.
And everything that you've been through, lived through, done in
(38:39):
these eighteen years is exactly what you needed to do
to bring you to this moment, to come home to yourself,
to be able to do the work to move yourself
to the next level. You're gonna be all right, That's
what Todd Dribbitt said. Wow, were gonna be all right.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
Yes, thank you so much, Thank you, my love.
Speaker 1 (39:02):
You have a good day too.
Speaker 3 (39:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (39:07):
You can only give what you have and you can
only receive what you give. And when we do not
allow ourself to know the truth, to tell the truth,
it is going to be hard to find truth in
(39:28):
a relationship. And sometimes we don't tell the truth because
we don't know what to do about it. So since
we don't know what to do about the truth, we
act like the truth doesn't exist. That's a death blow
to any relationship, the relationship with yourself, the relationship with
(39:50):
other people. Not telling the truth, not acknowledging the truth,
not embracing the truth, will put your relationship on life support.
And sometimes the only way to pull a plug is
to tell the truth. And you know, sometimes people are
on a respirator and forever, and they pull a plug.
(40:11):
They think the person's gonna die, and they don't. If
you can tell the truth, pull a plug on the denial,
the resistance, the self abuse, whatever else you want to
call it, pull a plug on that. And if that
relationship is supposed to live, it will. I hope that
you know something now that you didn't know. When you're
(40:33):
tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace
and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
(40:57):
you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 3 (41:00):
No
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