April 26, 2023 • 44 mins
Two women reach out to Iyanla today about similar issues: Feeling lost in their relationships with their husbands. The first caller’s husband told her that he wants to have multiple wives, completely out of nowhere. Now she’s not sure how to stay and deal with it, or leave him. Iyanla’s second caller has been a victim of physical and verbal abuse from a man who doesn’t help her raise their kids. But as Iyanla gets further into the issue, it becomes apparent that love is still there – so is it possible these two repair their relationship?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the
R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:36):
I want you to know that I love loved Aretha Franklin. Yep,
I love reread. I don't think there's anything that re
resang that just didn't work my soul to the core. Now,
there is one song that she sang in which I
(00:59):
have a different of opinion with her, and that's this one.
Let me see if you're gonna sing it with me
out there. Okay, before the day I met you, life
was so unkind. But you're the key to my peace
of mind. Oh wait, hold that right there. You're the
(01:20):
key to my peace of mind. Now, I have to
tell you I have some real issue with giving anything
outside of me power over me. I really do, because
when we do that, when we give something outside of
us power over us, dominion over us, to determine our
(01:41):
moods and our way of being, it's not gonna turn
our world for us but now the next part of
the song. In that same song, even though I disagree
with that part of it, this next part of us
I think is so very important. When she said, you
make me feel like a natural woman when you wake
up in the morning and see your boo and you
(02:02):
feel like a natural woman. Here's the question I have
for you, my sister women, how do you define natural women?
Because if you don't know what a natural woman is,
it's going to be hard for him to make you
feel that way. Greeting's beloved and welcome to the R spot.
(02:24):
Thank you for your patience and what is your relationship
challenge dilemma issue that we can nibble on together today.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
First of all, thank you so much for taking my call.
I feel blessed to be able to share with you today.
The relationship issue that I have is that my husband
and I have been married for about sixteen years, and
back in August he told me that he has changed
the vision of the relationship whereas instead of being monogamous,
(02:52):
he considers himself a non monogamous man and that quite
possibly he is looking into an alternative lifestyle in polygraphy.
Polygraphy because it's one husband, multiple wives, not multiple husbands
and multiple wives, So I'm over whichever one it is.
He's looking for multiple wives, Okay, specifically four wives, three children.
(03:19):
I told him that is something that that's not a
vision that I had nor intered the relationship end with.
And he said that this is who he is now.
He's changed his name, legally changed his name, and he said,
this is the man he is now. He's changed and
gone to this transition. And I've told him that's where
(03:41):
I draw the line. Now, I will give you a
little background with the relationship. Before we got married, we
had a lot of back and forth going on, and
then I finally decided to get married to him.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Wait a minute, what does that mean? Back and forth?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Back and forth meaning that when I met him, I
was in a long distance relationship. And then when that
long distance relationship became no longer long distance meaning the
boy my boyfriend at the time, then I lived in
the same state. I ended the relationship with him. He
was upset and of course hurt, and then he went
(04:19):
on and then when I and then we ended up
getting back together after I broke up in that relationship,
and then it went on, then he did the same
thing and I was hurt deeply, very deeply, and we
had some time together and then decided that we would
get back together. He relocated back to where I was
at and we decided to get married. Now, I will say,
(04:41):
through some self reflection and if I trust myself, what
I've discovered is true. But I do feel as though
when I married him, I settled.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
He wasn't.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
It wasn't everything that I was looking for and a partner,
but I was scared and I have body image issues,
lots of insecurities, and I was scared and had hoped
that things would be better, so I sacrificed a lot.
He was not. There was a lot of core values
that we did not share. Even before the marriage, there
was domestic abuse and I still decided to move forward
(05:15):
with it in the marriage. There we went further into
the marriage, there was more domestic abuse, and that further
bothered me, of course, and I would struggle with why
I was there for a very long time. I questioned
why I stayed in the relationship and felt as though
I could never really pinpoint the answer. Eight years into
(05:38):
the relationship, but marriage, I decided I wanted to have
a child. So when I made that decision. I decided
to myself, that's no more ambivalency. I'm staying in the relationship.
I'm staying in the marriages. I want to have a child,
so we struggled. We had a child. He's eight years old. Now,
looking back at things through self reflection, I do feel
(06:00):
as though I settled when I married him, and even
where I'm at now with him now coming up with
this new vision of the relationship. I'm afraid to leave
because my son deeply loved him and has a great
relationship with him, and I struggle whether I even like
him that much as a person because there's just been
(06:21):
so much.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
So what are you asking me I hear this story?
What is your question? What is your concern? What is
your challenge?
Speaker 2 (06:33):
My challenge is I just don't know what to do,
and my challenges I'm scared.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Okay. Is your challenge that you don't know what to do?
Or is your challenge that you know what to do
but you're afraid to do it?
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Yes, that is it?
Speaker 1 (06:49):
What is it? What is the challenge? I need to
hear you say it so that I'm not putting anything
in your mind and so that you can put your
big girl panties on and take care of yourself. I'm
just here to support you in doing that. So I
don't want to give it to you. I want to
make sure that you know it so you can own it,
(07:12):
because until you own it, you can't make any choices
or decisions.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
I believe I need to leave, okay, and.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
You believe that, or is that what you desire?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what I desire.
I desire peace, desire a relationship where I where I
feel compatible in, But most of all, I do desire
my son to be safe and healthy.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Okay, So that's what you desire? Is that what you
have now?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Parts of it but not all of it?
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Do you want it all? Or do you want pieces
and parts?
Speaker 2 (07:54):
I think I deserve to have it all or don't
just have to have pieces?
Speaker 1 (08:00):
To share with you what I heard you say, because sometimes,
you know, we think we're alone in our head without
adult supervision, and we think about things and they frighten us,
and then we act like we didn't think about that thought.
I heard you say that you're married for sixteen years,
(08:21):
in a relationship with someone you settled for because of
your own insecurities. And body images, that you're in a
marriage with someone with whom you don't share the same values.
You're in a relationship with someone whose vision has now changed,
and as opposed to just being in a monogamous marriage
(08:43):
with you, they now want additional wives and additional children,
and that your husband or your partner has changed his
name and he now has an alternative vision for the relationship.
I heard you say that your challenge is that you
are afraid to leave, and even if you leave, you
(09:06):
don't know how to do it. Now you're saying you
don't know what to decide, and that what you desire
for yourself is being in a relationship where you have peace,
where you feel you're compatible with your partner, and that
your son is safe and secure, and you have parts
(09:26):
of that now, but you don't have it all, and
you don't know if you should settle for less than
what you desired. Did I get it all?
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Okay, Now here's the part that you didn't say. And
this is just what I'm hearing, and I'm willing to
be wrong that, because of your own insecurities and because
of your own probably negative self image, that you settled
for a relationship where you are abused, where you are
(10:01):
probably beat down and possibly well you said beat up,
domestic physical abuse. And now you're not confident enough within
yourself to make the decision that you need to make,
decision that you've really already made. But fear is keeping
(10:21):
you from stepping into that decision. And sometimes when we
don't know how to do something, we won't allow ourselves
to know that we know what to do. For me,
I think you already know what to do what you
want to do, and it has nothing to do with
(10:41):
his alternative vision. You're living with a man who abuses
you and a man you settle for. So you settled
for abuse. Now that's what I hear. I could be wrong.
So what is the real question you want to ask me?
Because it's not I don't know what to decide, you've
(11:02):
already decided. Let me ask you this question before you
go there. Take a breath for me, Take a breath,
let's breathe together. Yeah, has your husband been faithful to
you in this marriage?
Speaker 2 (11:19):
As far as I know?
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Yes, you think that a man who wakes up one
day and decides he wants four wives has been faithful?
Is that what you think?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
I guess it is something to doubt now. I used
to trust him five hundred percent. I didn't really trust him.
I trusted God would bring out what was done in
the dark would become to light to me. Oh. Actually,
over the past year and a half, I felt my
trust crumble.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
Why did you feel your trust crumbled?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
I don't know. I just didn't feel the connection.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
If this is a friend, I mean, you've lived sixteen
years with different values, different work ethic's a different vision
who you are. What is the problem now? The fact
that he now wants to tell you that he's going
to be with other women. It might be helpful to
you because the way I understand how polygamy works or
(12:13):
whatever he calls it, whatever it is like the first
wife gets to choose the otherwise. So you could choose
a wife that help you with the dish, do the laundry,
brings some money in might be helpful to you since
you don't like him, know.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
How, That's why he said, he said to me, you
think I just want this for sexual reasons. He's like,
I want this because number one, he feels though he's
owed to it by God, but also to build his empire.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
I just have to say this. Please forgive me. I
love how you just say. I thought God would reveal it.
Where was God when he was whipping your butt? We
bring God in when we want to use God to
justify the things that we aren't willing to take responsibility for.
If God couldn't stop him from beating up on you,
while would God's to you that he's not may not
(13:01):
be honoring his commitment to monogamy. And I don't know
if he did or not. It just seems to me
what I know about polygamous relationships are men who want
to visit that as an alternative. And I don't have
no heed or judgment about it because it's a part
of who we are as African people. We use God
to justify, like I said, the things that we won't
(13:23):
be don't want to be responsible for.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
I agree with that.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Is the problem that he wants to bring other women
into the relationship or is the problem that you just
tied of dealing with his crazy and you don't know
how to get out of it?
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Then speaking to you, it is reflecting back to me,
and you're right. I have made the decision. I have
been mentally been preparing for it, but I have started
mentally putting in my mind that we are separating. I
do just have a big concern about my son. I'm
afraid of.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Don't bring your son into it. No, no, no, no,
no no no. If you and your husband decide to
separate and the son is going with you, now that's
something that you all may have to discuss, then he
still has a responsibility as a father and that's not
your business. You shift from being his wife to being
(14:18):
his co parent. But you can't put you staying in
a relationship or a marriage where you don't have peace,
where you don't feel compatible, where you're not being provided for.
You call him your husband, but if he's not providing, protecting,
performing and pleasing, then he's already fell down on the job.
That's the husband's job to provide, to protect, to perform
(14:43):
as a man or a partner, or whatever the parameters
are that the two of you decide and to please you.
Your job as a wife is to affirm him, to
support him, to acknowledge him. That's your job. So you
calling him a husband was something that you settled for,
(15:05):
something that you're not in alignment with. I don't understand that.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
Yes, you and I listened to your I listened to
the R spot and you set each your piece. So
I have all the I wrote all those PE's down
for him as a cousin, and I've written all the
a's down for me as the wife. And one thing
I didn't get to say was that now he finally
is a good or a better provider now. Actually our
roles have shifted. He's always one of his own business
(15:35):
and didn't want to work, but and I was always
the corporate America person. Now I'm with my own small
business and he is working.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Okay, good.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
That's why this has just knocked me off of my feet,
because we have we have handled we have worked hard
on the way we communicate with each other and those
triggers to bring us to those really high anger spots
in where they get volatile and violent. We worked on that.
And he wanted this. He wanted to be a provider
(16:06):
like this is not me convincing him all these years.
He woke up and decided he wanted that, and he's
doing it. So this all knocked me off my feet. Now,
it's almost not that surprising that he would be have
desires for other women because we've struggled in our intimate
relationship for ev like I never sex was never the
thing that I enjoyed with him.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
And see, to me, that's why have you settled? Why
are you not content? To me? You walk in both
sides of the fence. You tell me all the little
horrible things, and now you tell me all the great things.
But the question goes back to the beginning. Why did
you settle for someone you didn't share a vision one,
(16:48):
but someone that you weren't didn't really feel compatible with?
What is that about? Because that's what this is about.
This is about why you're willing to accept less than
you desire or deserve.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Why I was afraid that it was going to take
a long time for me to find another mate. It
was the only place I had to go.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Yeah, what is the price that you've paid, beloved, for
accepting less than you deserve and desire? What is the price?
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Time?
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Time? Time? You know you want to talk about God? God,
don't wear a watch. You've lost so much time? How
about I've invested so much time and now that I
have diminishing returns, I'm ready to divest from this situation.
You haven't lost anything. The question becomes do you want
(17:47):
to continue to invest in this relationship and are you
willing to participate in the world the other investor is
structuring the deal.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
I am scared just to be out there single.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Now, baby, you are single. Now you just live with somebody.
We'll talk about that right after this. Bring welcome back
to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
(18:31):
Are you clear that you are not in a marriage?
Are you clear about that just because you got a
license and a piece of paper and the shared you know,
if he die, you get his social security. I'm talking
about a marriage, a meeting of the souls and the
minds for a shared vision. Is that what you're in.
(18:51):
I'm not talking about marriage because you got a piece
of paper. Do you and he share a meeting of
the minds? And when it comes to life, child rearing, intimacy, finances,
do you'll share a meeting of the mind.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
In some of those ways? When it comes to raising
our child, we both want the same outcome for our child.
We want him to be happy in whatever he's doing.
But as far as his habits, there's a lot of
difference there. Finances, we're pretty we're more yoked there. He
wants more abundance, than I do. I'm great where we're
(19:28):
at right now. There are some other areas where we
lack spiritually. He doesn't go to church.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
So are y'all and not yoked spiritually? Okay, you're a
church person.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I'm not a church person. I have started, but he
just won't go at all. He was brought up in
a family of theologians and the Lord and believers and
all the great faith, Pentecostal, the whole nine, and so
he believes. But he just has a very elevated he's
his own state of it.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
You seem to be focusing on what will happen if
you'll break up. I'm trying to figure out what's going
to happen if you all stay together. I just don't understand.
So I want to go back to this because you
said the challenge is that you don't know what to
decide about what to do, But that wasn't true. You
(20:23):
do know you've already decided. Now you may not know
how to do it. And again, very often when we
don't know what to do about what we know, we
act like we don't know it. That's very common, and
what that does is that diminishes our self value. It
(20:44):
diminishes our self worth. You say you're afraid to be single.
I think you're afraid to be powerful, and you rather
stay disempowered because it's familiar and comfortable. You've given him
all the power, you know. I love, absolutely, love with
(21:05):
a passion. Okay, Alfredo sauce, the white sauce oozing with
cream and cheese and butter, the white sauce that they
call heart attack on the plate. I love it. I
could eat it on everything. The only thing I won't
put Alfredo sauce on is my grits. And when I
(21:28):
go to the restaurant and I say give me extra sauce,
they give it to me. Now, anybody with two eyes
and a brain knows that too much alfredo sauce is
just no good for you. But if you gonna eat it,
they not gonna stop you. If I go in, I say, okay,
give me some more, They give it to me and
charge me the three fifty or the nine to fifty,
(21:50):
depending upon which restaurant I'm in. They don't care that
I'm clogging my arteries and raising my cholesterol. They getting
what they want, yeap, So he's going to continue to
give you the alfredo sauce and put it even on
your grits if you don't stop him. And stopping him
(22:11):
isn't about him, beloved, Stopping him is about you owning
and decreeing and declaring and being willing to take a
stand for who you are and what you desire. Take
a stand for who you are as a woman. And
if you don't know who you are, that's your work,
(22:34):
not his work. He could bring home six wives and
one of them could have a penis sticking out her ear.
I really wouldn't care if that ain't what I want. Yeah,
what do you wantee?
Speaker 2 (22:49):
I want peace and I want good luck. But you
told me to not think about this, But I am
concerned about my son handling it at such a young age.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
He'll get over it. He's not gonna lose his father
unless his father walks out of his life. His relationship
with his father will have a new normal. But I
don't want to go there yet, because that's how your
highly developed deceptive intelligence takes you off track, making you
focus on your son. How about your internal relationship with
(23:21):
yourself that has a strong no and a powerful yes.
How about that one? How about you looking for love
outside of you? And until you love you, nobody can
love you. They can make you feel good, they can
occupy your time and your space. But the first relationship
(23:42):
you must have, my beloved sister woman, is the relationship
you have with yourself. And if you're willing to compromise
yourself and settle yourself and diminish yourself, huh, you ain't
never gonna find nobody that's gonna love on you the
way you want to be.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Never. You can't take a stand for yourself in the
relationship with the person you sleep with. You can't take
a stand for yourself and that and you've been in
this marriage sixteen years and you're not satisfied intimately. Have
you ever told him, look, stop that lower slower a
(24:21):
little to the left. Have you ever told it that
you can't take a stand for yourself in the bed?
How you going to take a stand for yourself in
the world you have? But you settled for not getting it.
If you got to get a picture book and teach him,
see what he doing, do that, Let's see how that feel.
You know what? This is what I want to say
(24:42):
to you. Go to the mirror and snap the first person.
I ain't fooling with. You know more, you know what
to do, and you should be scared. You should be
scared to do it because for the first time, you
may be standing up for yourself. For the first time,
(25:06):
you may be using the Whitney Houston empowerment formula. You
know what that is? Oh hell to the No, that's
the Whitney Houston empowerment formula. You can't take care of
me and you want four other women. You bumped your head.
You don't bump your head somewhere, and you mean to
(25:26):
go somewhere and sit down. You've got many, many, many
sister women who are just learning who am I? Is?
This me? Is this what I want? You don't know
who you are and what your natural womanness is. You
don't know what that is.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I think I've crushed it down for so long.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
No, no, you crushed it down so long, settling for
less than what you desired and deserved. That's how you
did it. Don't give him all of that power. Don't
blame him for that. You own that.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
I've realized that I do have a relationship with myself
that has been damaged, and I have been working on that.
I've been working on that a lot, because I do
understand that love for myself, I have to have.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
Yeah, because so many of us as women didn't have
a demonstration. We looked at women who didn't know themselves
or women who settled in their lives, and we were
so busy saying I'm not going to be like that,
till we never discovered who we were going to be like.
Does that make sense? And don't diminish the fact, beloved,
(26:34):
that you've already decided I don't want this and I'm
afraid not to have it. But you should be. You
should be so afraid that a little pea is dribbling
down your legs, because if you don't pee on yourself,
then your vision isn't big enough. Your vision needs to
be big enough to scare the pee out of you.
(26:56):
I am so excited for you. I am so excited
I did for you because you get to grow up.
You get to grow yourself up and become a natural woman,
whatever that is. Oh, I lost my caller. We must
have blown her circuits. Oh, she blew her circuits. You
(27:18):
know that happens sometimes when the energy gets real high
and you're hearing something that you don't think you can handle.
You just blow the circuit. So I hope she gets
a chance to call back in, but if not, and
you hear this show, my beloved sister, I want you
to know how excited I am for you that you're
going to have an opportunity to define, redefine, clarify, renew, strengthen,
(27:45):
rebuild or build your natural womanness. After the break, we'll
come back with my second caller, who has a similar issue,
but for a very different reason. Welcome back. I am
Yan'm learning this is the our spot. Sometimes it doesn't
(28:10):
matter when you come into the realization. Oh wait a minute,
I've lost my natural womanness here. I have forgotten the
truth of who I am. I have forgotten the truth
of myself. I've lost the knowledge of myself because I've
been so busy looking out, reaching out, giving out. Doesn't
(28:33):
matter if you're thirty, forty, fifty, sixty or older. That
wake up, that moment, that realization is simply a call
for you to begin within. Go back in, just listen. Greetings, beloved,
welcome to the our spot, and thank you for your patience. Now,
(28:56):
what is your relationship issue, challenge dilemma that we're going
to stir up and chew on today.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
I've been married going on almost two years now. I've
met my husband off of dating apps, and we were
married seven months after meetings. I think the issue started
after we had our first setis win. Something just changed
with him. I don't know what happened or what may
have clicked, but he is non appreciative. It has been
physical altercation. I feel like my husband is like a
(29:25):
complete narcissist. He doesn't help me with our children when
he's home because he's always on the road. He drives
trust for a living. I've written to the Show of
plenty of time just trying to get help. At this point,
I'm sitting in my house right now and I'm ready
to attack my bags and my children up and leave.
At this point, this is how bad things I've gotten
(29:45):
for me if.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
He's not there most of the time. Define bad.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
Everything just went downhill. So when I say bad, I
meaning the way he speaks to me. He's inconsiderate. Again,
he doesn't help with the kids, the physical for alccasions.
We have had verbal abuse, mental abuse. Just even now,
we're back and forth through text message and he's just
saying outrageous things to the point where I'm just ready
(30:10):
to go. So it's just I feel like I love
my husband, but there's no fix in this situation. I
just cannot see it being fixed at this point.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
So what is the question that you're asking me? What
is the question you're asking? What is the challenge you're facing?
Speaker 3 (30:27):
The challenge I'm facing is getting up and actually leaving.
I'm at the point to where should I leave or
should I stay? For my children's say.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
So, let me ask you a question, belove It. I
want you to know that I've heard you throughout this marriage.
There have been physical altercations from him, yep, that you
have experienced mental abuse of verbal abuse. And your question
is should you leave? Is that the question?
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Yes, that's a question.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
Ask you a question, belove It, Should you leave?
Speaker 3 (31:05):
I think so?
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Is it that you're asking should you leave? Or are
you asking how should you leave? I?
Speaker 3 (31:14):
Think how? Because why I didn't stop my life so
he can live his, stop my dreams and all my
aspirations that I had, so he can do what he
wanted to do as far as income. And I had
started my cleaning business and I gave that up so
I can stay home with the kids while he just
out on the road, and now it seems like things
are even getting worse. I'm literally looking at my closet
(31:36):
and ready to start packing.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
My things up.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
Do you have a place to go?
Speaker 3 (31:42):
Yeah, I have another place. I'm a victim of sex trafficking,
and I live in this apartment homes for battered women,
and I left that place even though I still have
that place to move in in a home together that
we purchased together. And at this point, I'm just ready
to drop it all and just go back to my
little shack and be content there.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
So let me ask you a question, why don't you
want to go? In other words, why do you want
to stay Vaio Dreams.
Speaker 3 (32:11):
I didn't grow up in the house with both parents.
I did not have my father there. I wanted to
give my kids that, So I'm trying to do anything
I posably can to make it work in my marriage.
Maybe I should just keep trying for my kids, say
so they can have that father secure in their life
and watch two parents in one home together, because that's
something that I did not have, and that's something that
(32:33):
I always wanted and I did not get.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
About ten years ago, which would have made me sixty
about ten years ago, I woke up one day and
I said, oh my god, I was raised in a
two parent household, and it was disfunctional as hell, domestic violence, alcoholism.
(32:59):
I was sexually abused in that household, but the household
was so crazy and chaotic, so I didn't even recognize
there were two parents, two adults in the household. So
this whole thing that we give to two parent household
when there is physical, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse, for
(33:23):
us to try to make that work, to give our
children something that we didn't have, not give them what
they need, which is safety, security, self sufficiency, how to
make good choices and deal with the consequences of their choices.
Not a household where they know they are loved and
(33:44):
safe and protected. We just want there to be two parents.
So you want to be in a two parent household
so your children can see two parents where one is
physically abusing the other, when one is verbally abusive to
the other, where one is inconsiderate of the other, where
one is not present for the children, doesn't participate in
(34:07):
their maintenance care. You got two kids that are under
three years old, but you'd rather have that than your
dignity your respect, your freedom, your right to choose, your
right to be loved and nurtured and protected. You'd rather
have just two people? Is that what I'm hearing you say?
Speaker 3 (34:30):
That's worse.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Yet you need to go get a lobotomy, get your
brain cleaned out. Oh, I said all the time. I
will never advocate, ever, will I advocate for the dissolution
of a family, the end of a marriage. That's not
what I'm advocating. But I will always advocate the rights
(34:54):
of every individual, male or female, man or woman to
be safe and secure and empowered and loved and respected
and honored in their personage. So what is the question
that you have to ask me?
Speaker 3 (35:13):
No question.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
At this point, the.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
Question becomes how. And here's another very important question. I
want you to just think about your body, your back,
your belly, your breast, your feet, your legs, your toes,
your fingers, and ask yourself, this, is there any part
of me that still wants him? Check your toes, check
(35:38):
your fingernails, check your eyelashes. Is there any part of
you that still wants him, not wants the marriage, but
still wants him that man? Is there any part of you?
Speaker 3 (35:51):
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
No, you gotta know. You gotta know, because if it's
right in between your little toe in the fourth toe,
if there's any part of you that still wants him,
you'll be in and out of this thing for years.
You cannot leave. I don't care if you go, you'll
come back. As long as there is any part of
(36:14):
you that wants him as a man, she that part
of you will not get out of this. You cannot leave.
Of course, you don't want the situation in the marriage.
You don't want to be verbally, mentally, physically abused. But
do you want him? That's the question.
Speaker 3 (36:35):
That's the person I told Yeah, so you do want it?
Yeah you change?
Speaker 1 (36:41):
Okay, Okay, No, you can't. It's not gonna change. It's
not gonna change.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
Baby.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
You can't bank on that. You cannot bank on it changing.
Tell me why you're crying.
Speaker 3 (36:59):
That. I'm long now. I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
The first thing you can do is you're a woman.
You get to be the queen and the castle if
you're willing to stay in an abusive situation. And I'm
laying it out to you like cold water in your
face because I want you to be clear. I don't
want you to go and come and go and come.
That'll give you something else to beat yourself up about.
(37:26):
And when he gets home, you grab up the kids
and him and you say, we'll go into the councilor
you can't sleep here if you don't come to the
councilor you don't come to the counselor you can't be here.
You put your hands on me, I'm gonna call the police.
I'll get a restraining order to keep you away from here.
But if you want to be married to me, we
go into counseling today, right now. That's one thing you
(37:48):
could do. Another thing you can do is if there
is evidence of physical abuse, and I could be wrong,
please forgive me. I could be wrong. But you don't
sound like no punk to me. And you say that
there's physical altercations. I don't think you just stand there
and let it whip up on you. I think you'd
be whipping up on him too. Would that be accurate?
(38:14):
This is what your children are seeing, Okay, two parents
in the household whipping up on each other. But if
that's where you are right now, I'd rather that you
walk through the process to get your healing and to
get your strength and to stand in your womanness in
a way that's gonna honor you, because if you leave
(38:37):
and go back to that place, you'll be thinking home
with got I got a better refrigerator over there, and
I got my TVs over there. I don't want to
stay here because he's gonna come begging, he's gonna come promising,
and you'll go back and then three years from now,
five years from now, you'll be beating yourself up. So
let's not do that. Because as long as there's any
(38:57):
place within you that wants him, you cannot leave. You
will not. You'll go for a little while. What are
you willing to do?
Speaker 3 (39:06):
I'm willing to try the counsel in and put my
foot down in just saying he's not willing to do that,
then maybe I should just.
Speaker 1 (39:18):
You don't have to leave. It's called the order of protection.
If you have evidence that there's been physical abuse, of
physical violence, you take your babies, you march right down
to the courthouse. You get an order of protection. He
can't come within five hundred yards of you. And I'm
not saying use that as a way to turn them off.
I'm saying use that as a way not to disrupt
your life and your children's life. I'm not advocating that
(39:42):
you leave, nor am I advocating that you stay in
a situation where there's violence. I'm not advocating either one
of them. What I'm saying is based upon what you've
shared with me. I want to support you in creating
a plan and a process that serves you. One of
(40:02):
the things that you want to put on your to
do lists is to find a way for you as
a woman to begin to earn your own I don't
care if it's four hours as a cashier in the
local drug store where you have one hundred dollars that
you could stick down in your broad drowe because it's
(40:24):
a poor rat that only got one hole. Okay, you
got to have even as if even if you stay,
you gotta have that. You don't need a man buying
your sanitary napkins. You know that that is just crazy.
Tell me what you're going to do different when you
get off this car.
Speaker 3 (40:42):
The first thing I want to do is praise.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
What's your prayer? What's your prayer? Oh, my godness, what
is it.
Speaker 3 (40:49):
I'm going to talk to God to give me the
courage and the strength to actually confront him with these things,
because that's something I have not done. I know I've
said it lot to you, but it's something I have
not done for him. I have not expressed all of
this to him. I've just bottled it in. So yeah,
(41:10):
I have never it just expressed that. And I don't
know why I couldn't tell you. It's not that I'm
afraid to.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
You didn't know how to?
Speaker 2 (41:19):
I didn't.
Speaker 3 (41:19):
There we go. He took the words right on my mind.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
How to?
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (41:22):
How Now you know that's good? So when you get
off this call, I want you to go kiss up
and hug up your babies because they'll make you smile.
And then you got any chocolate. You got any chocolate
in the house, Oh, I keep it all right, eat
you some chocolate. Do you know what to do? Here's
(41:47):
your instructions. Finish crying, then go hug the babies, then
go eat chocolate, then go pray in that order. Okay, okay,
all right, my love, take good care, but bye. The
topic of domestic violence is very tricky because, on one hand,
(42:10):
I would say, never ever accommodate, tolerate, put yourself in
a situation where there's violence being perpetrated against you, although
I did it for nine years, I would say that.
And on the other hand, I would say it's a
symptom of something much larger. And if we can get
(42:35):
to the root of the problem, the cause of the problem,
chances are the violence can be addressed. And even if
that healing is, no not doing this, Even if that
healing is let me save myself, let me save my children.
Even if that healing is, I'm just not willing to
(42:59):
put up with it. So start with the question. I
ask you, who am I? Who am I? Who am
I in the world? Who am I in my mind?
Who am I in my heart? Who am I in
the kitchen? Who am I in the bedroom? In the kitchen,
I am Emerald Legassi. And in the bedroom I won't
(43:19):
tell you what her name is, but as a natural woman,
I got an identity for every place. I am. So
my sister, I know you know what to do, and
I know you're afraid, but just know this, there are
hundreds of thousands of your sister women out here cheering
(43:40):
you all answer that question, identify yourself and rise. I
hope this has been helpful to someone, And if you
have a question about this, or any other relationship issue.
You can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven six now be sure to follow
(44:01):
me on social media for all of the calling times,
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
(44:22):
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
I am a yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the
R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:36):
I want you to know that I love loved Aretha Franklin. Yep,
I love reread. I don't think there's anything that re
resang that just didn't work my soul to the core. Now,
there is one song that she sang in which I
(00:59):
have a different of opinion with her, and that's this one.
Let me see if you're gonna sing it with me
out there. Okay, before the day I met you, life
was so unkind. But you're the key to my peace
of mind. Oh wait, hold that right there. You're the
(01:20):
key to my peace of mind. Now, I have to
tell you I have some real issue with giving anything
outside of me power over me. I really do, because
when we do that, when we give something outside of
us power over us, dominion over us, to determine our
(01:41):
moods and our way of being, it's not gonna turn
our world for us but now the next part of
the song. In that same song, even though I disagree
with that part of it, this next part of us
I think is so very important. When she said, you
make me feel like a natural woman when you wake
up in the morning and see your boo and you
(02:02):
feel like a natural woman. Here's the question I have
for you, my sister women, how do you define natural women?
Because if you don't know what a natural woman is,
it's going to be hard for him to make you
feel that way. Greeting's beloved and welcome to the R spot.
(02:24):
Thank you for your patience and what is your relationship
challenge dilemma issue that we can nibble on together today.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
First of all, thank you so much for taking my call.
I feel blessed to be able to share with you today.
The relationship issue that I have is that my husband
and I have been married for about sixteen years, and
back in August he told me that he has changed
the vision of the relationship whereas instead of being monogamous,
(02:52):
he considers himself a non monogamous man and that quite
possibly he is looking into an alternative lifestyle in polygraphy.
Polygraphy because it's one husband, multiple wives, not multiple husbands
and multiple wives, So I'm over whichever one it is.
He's looking for multiple wives, Okay, specifically four wives, three children.
(03:19):
I told him that is something that that's not a
vision that I had nor intered the relationship end with.
And he said that this is who he is now.
He's changed his name, legally changed his name, and he said,
this is the man he is now. He's changed and
gone to this transition. And I've told him that's where
(03:41):
I draw the line. Now, I will give you a
little background with the relationship. Before we got married, we
had a lot of back and forth going on, and
then I finally decided to get married to him.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Wait a minute, what does that mean? Back and forth?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Back and forth meaning that when I met him, I
was in a long distance relationship. And then when that
long distance relationship became no longer long distance meaning the
boy my boyfriend at the time, then I lived in
the same state. I ended the relationship with him. He
was upset and of course hurt, and then he went
(04:19):
on and then when I and then we ended up
getting back together after I broke up in that relationship,
and then it went on, then he did the same
thing and I was hurt deeply, very deeply, and we
had some time together and then decided that we would
get back together. He relocated back to where I was
at and we decided to get married. Now, I will say,
(04:41):
through some self reflection and if I trust myself, what
I've discovered is true. But I do feel as though
when I married him, I settled.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
He wasn't.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
It wasn't everything that I was looking for and a partner,
but I was scared and I have body image issues,
lots of insecurities, and I was scared and had hoped
that things would be better, so I sacrificed a lot.
He was not. There was a lot of core values
that we did not share. Even before the marriage, there
was domestic abuse and I still decided to move forward
(05:15):
with it in the marriage. There we went further into
the marriage, there was more domestic abuse, and that further
bothered me, of course, and I would struggle with why
I was there for a very long time. I questioned
why I stayed in the relationship and felt as though
I could never really pinpoint the answer. Eight years into
(05:38):
the relationship, but marriage, I decided I wanted to have
a child. So when I made that decision. I decided
to myself, that's no more ambivalency. I'm staying in the relationship.
I'm staying in the marriages. I want to have a child,
so we struggled. We had a child. He's eight years old. Now,
looking back at things through self reflection, I do feel
(06:00):
as though I settled when I married him, and even
where I'm at now with him now coming up with
this new vision of the relationship. I'm afraid to leave
because my son deeply loved him and has a great
relationship with him, and I struggle whether I even like
him that much as a person because there's just been
(06:21):
so much.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
So what are you asking me I hear this story?
What is your question? What is your concern? What is
your challenge?
Speaker 2 (06:33):
My challenge is I just don't know what to do,
and my challenges I'm scared.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Okay. Is your challenge that you don't know what to do?
Or is your challenge that you know what to do
but you're afraid to do it?
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Yes, that is it?
Speaker 1 (06:49):
What is it? What is the challenge? I need to
hear you say it so that I'm not putting anything
in your mind and so that you can put your
big girl panties on and take care of yourself. I'm
just here to support you in doing that. So I
don't want to give it to you. I want to
make sure that you know it so you can own it,
(07:12):
because until you own it, you can't make any choices
or decisions.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
I believe I need to leave, okay, and.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
You believe that, or is that what you desire?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what I desire.
I desire peace, desire a relationship where I where I
feel compatible in, But most of all, I do desire
my son to be safe and healthy.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Okay, So that's what you desire? Is that what you
have now?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Parts of it but not all of it?
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Do you want it all? Or do you want pieces
and parts?
Speaker 2 (07:54):
I think I deserve to have it all or don't
just have to have pieces?
Speaker 1 (08:00):
To share with you what I heard you say, because sometimes,
you know, we think we're alone in our head without
adult supervision, and we think about things and they frighten us,
and then we act like we didn't think about that thought.
I heard you say that you're married for sixteen years,
(08:21):
in a relationship with someone you settled for because of
your own insecurities. And body images, that you're in a
marriage with someone with whom you don't share the same values.
You're in a relationship with someone whose vision has now changed,
and as opposed to just being in a monogamous marriage
(08:43):
with you, they now want additional wives and additional children,
and that your husband or your partner has changed his
name and he now has an alternative vision for the relationship.
I heard you say that your challenge is that you
are afraid to leave, and even if you leave, you
(09:06):
don't know how to do it. Now you're saying you
don't know what to decide, and that what you desire
for yourself is being in a relationship where you have peace,
where you feel you're compatible with your partner, and that
your son is safe and secure, and you have parts
(09:26):
of that now, but you don't have it all, and
you don't know if you should settle for less than
what you desired. Did I get it all?
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Okay, Now here's the part that you didn't say. And
this is just what I'm hearing, and I'm willing to
be wrong that, because of your own insecurities and because
of your own probably negative self image, that you settled
for a relationship where you are abused, where you are
(10:01):
probably beat down and possibly well you said beat up,
domestic physical abuse. And now you're not confident enough within
yourself to make the decision that you need to make,
decision that you've really already made. But fear is keeping
(10:21):
you from stepping into that decision. And sometimes when we
don't know how to do something, we won't allow ourselves
to know that we know what to do. For me,
I think you already know what to do what you
want to do, and it has nothing to do with
(10:41):
his alternative vision. You're living with a man who abuses
you and a man you settle for. So you settled
for abuse. Now that's what I hear. I could be wrong.
So what is the real question you want to ask me?
Because it's not I don't know what to decide, you've
(11:02):
already decided. Let me ask you this question before you
go there. Take a breath for me, Take a breath,
let's breathe together. Yeah, has your husband been faithful to
you in this marriage?
Speaker 2 (11:19):
As far as I know?
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Yes, you think that a man who wakes up one
day and decides he wants four wives has been faithful?
Is that what you think?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
I guess it is something to doubt now. I used
to trust him five hundred percent. I didn't really trust him.
I trusted God would bring out what was done in
the dark would become to light to me. Oh. Actually,
over the past year and a half, I felt my
trust crumble.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
Why did you feel your trust crumbled?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
I don't know. I just didn't feel the connection.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
If this is a friend, I mean, you've lived sixteen
years with different values, different work ethic's a different vision
who you are. What is the problem now? The fact
that he now wants to tell you that he's going
to be with other women. It might be helpful to
you because the way I understand how polygamy works or
(12:13):
whatever he calls it, whatever it is like the first
wife gets to choose the otherwise. So you could choose
a wife that help you with the dish, do the laundry,
brings some money in might be helpful to you since
you don't like him, know.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
How, That's why he said, he said to me, you
think I just want this for sexual reasons. He's like,
I want this because number one, he feels though he's
owed to it by God, but also to build his empire.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
I just have to say this. Please forgive me. I
love how you just say. I thought God would reveal it.
Where was God when he was whipping your butt? We
bring God in when we want to use God to
justify the things that we aren't willing to take responsibility for.
If God couldn't stop him from beating up on you,
while would God's to you that he's not may not
(13:01):
be honoring his commitment to monogamy. And I don't know
if he did or not. It just seems to me
what I know about polygamous relationships are men who want
to visit that as an alternative. And I don't have
no heed or judgment about it because it's a part
of who we are as African people. We use God
to justify, like I said, the things that we won't
(13:23):
be don't want to be responsible for.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
I agree with that.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Is the problem that he wants to bring other women
into the relationship or is the problem that you just
tied of dealing with his crazy and you don't know
how to get out of it?
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Then speaking to you, it is reflecting back to me,
and you're right. I have made the decision. I have
been mentally been preparing for it, but I have started
mentally putting in my mind that we are separating. I
do just have a big concern about my son. I'm
afraid of.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Don't bring your son into it. No, no, no, no,
no no no. If you and your husband decide to
separate and the son is going with you, now that's
something that you all may have to discuss, then he
still has a responsibility as a father and that's not
your business. You shift from being his wife to being
(14:18):
his co parent. But you can't put you staying in
a relationship or a marriage where you don't have peace,
where you don't feel compatible, where you're not being provided for.
You call him your husband, but if he's not providing, protecting,
performing and pleasing, then he's already fell down on the job.
That's the husband's job to provide, to protect, to perform
(14:43):
as a man or a partner, or whatever the parameters
are that the two of you decide and to please you.
Your job as a wife is to affirm him, to
support him, to acknowledge him. That's your job. So you
calling him a husband was something that you settled for,
(15:05):
something that you're not in alignment with. I don't understand that.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
Yes, you and I listened to your I listened to
the R spot and you set each your piece. So
I have all the I wrote all those PE's down
for him as a cousin, and I've written all the
a's down for me as the wife. And one thing
I didn't get to say was that now he finally
is a good or a better provider now. Actually our
roles have shifted. He's always one of his own business
(15:35):
and didn't want to work, but and I was always
the corporate America person. Now I'm with my own small
business and he is working.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Okay, good.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
That's why this has just knocked me off of my feet,
because we have we have handled we have worked hard
on the way we communicate with each other and those
triggers to bring us to those really high anger spots
in where they get volatile and violent. We worked on that.
And he wanted this. He wanted to be a provider
(16:06):
like this is not me convincing him all these years.
He woke up and decided he wanted that, and he's
doing it. So this all knocked me off my feet. Now,
it's almost not that surprising that he would be have
desires for other women because we've struggled in our intimate
relationship for ev like I never sex was never the
thing that I enjoyed with him.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
And see, to me, that's why have you settled? Why
are you not content? To me? You walk in both
sides of the fence. You tell me all the little
horrible things, and now you tell me all the great things.
But the question goes back to the beginning. Why did
you settle for someone you didn't share a vision one,
(16:48):
but someone that you weren't didn't really feel compatible with?
What is that about? Because that's what this is about.
This is about why you're willing to accept less than
you desire or deserve.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Why I was afraid that it was going to take
a long time for me to find another mate. It
was the only place I had to go.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Yeah, what is the price that you've paid, beloved, for
accepting less than you deserve and desire? What is the price?
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Time?
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Time? Time? You know you want to talk about God? God,
don't wear a watch. You've lost so much time? How
about I've invested so much time and now that I
have diminishing returns, I'm ready to divest from this situation.
You haven't lost anything. The question becomes do you want
(17:47):
to continue to invest in this relationship and are you
willing to participate in the world the other investor is
structuring the deal.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
I am scared just to be out there single.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Now, baby, you are single. Now you just live with somebody.
We'll talk about that right after this. Bring welcome back
to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
(18:31):
Are you clear that you are not in a marriage?
Are you clear about that just because you got a
license and a piece of paper and the shared you know,
if he die, you get his social security. I'm talking
about a marriage, a meeting of the souls and the
minds for a shared vision. Is that what you're in.
(18:51):
I'm not talking about marriage because you got a piece
of paper. Do you and he share a meeting of
the minds? And when it comes to life, child rearing, intimacy, finances,
do you'll share a meeting of the mind.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
In some of those ways? When it comes to raising
our child, we both want the same outcome for our child.
We want him to be happy in whatever he's doing.
But as far as his habits, there's a lot of
difference there. Finances, we're pretty we're more yoked there. He
wants more abundance, than I do. I'm great where we're
(19:28):
at right now. There are some other areas where we
lack spiritually. He doesn't go to church.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
So are y'all and not yoked spiritually? Okay, you're a
church person.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I'm not a church person. I have started, but he
just won't go at all. He was brought up in
a family of theologians and the Lord and believers and
all the great faith, Pentecostal, the whole nine, and so
he believes. But he just has a very elevated he's
his own state of it.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
You seem to be focusing on what will happen if
you'll break up. I'm trying to figure out what's going
to happen if you all stay together. I just don't understand.
So I want to go back to this because you
said the challenge is that you don't know what to
decide about what to do, But that wasn't true. You
(20:23):
do know you've already decided. Now you may not know
how to do it. And again, very often when we
don't know what to do about what we know, we
act like we don't know it. That's very common, and
what that does is that diminishes our self value. It
(20:44):
diminishes our self worth. You say you're afraid to be single.
I think you're afraid to be powerful, and you rather
stay disempowered because it's familiar and comfortable. You've given him
all the power, you know. I love, absolutely, love with
(21:05):
a passion. Okay, Alfredo sauce, the white sauce oozing with
cream and cheese and butter, the white sauce that they
call heart attack on the plate. I love it. I
could eat it on everything. The only thing I won't
put Alfredo sauce on is my grits. And when I
(21:28):
go to the restaurant and I say give me extra sauce,
they give it to me. Now, anybody with two eyes
and a brain knows that too much alfredo sauce is
just no good for you. But if you gonna eat it,
they not gonna stop you. If I go in, I say, okay,
give me some more, They give it to me and
charge me the three fifty or the nine to fifty,
(21:50):
depending upon which restaurant I'm in. They don't care that
I'm clogging my arteries and raising my cholesterol. They getting
what they want, yeap, So he's going to continue to
give you the alfredo sauce and put it even on
your grits if you don't stop him. And stopping him
(22:11):
isn't about him, beloved, Stopping him is about you owning
and decreeing and declaring and being willing to take a
stand for who you are and what you desire. Take
a stand for who you are as a woman. And
if you don't know who you are, that's your work,
(22:34):
not his work. He could bring home six wives and
one of them could have a penis sticking out her ear.
I really wouldn't care if that ain't what I want. Yeah,
what do you wantee?
Speaker 2 (22:49):
I want peace and I want good luck. But you
told me to not think about this, But I am
concerned about my son handling it at such a young age.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
He'll get over it. He's not gonna lose his father
unless his father walks out of his life. His relationship
with his father will have a new normal. But I
don't want to go there yet, because that's how your
highly developed deceptive intelligence takes you off track, making you
focus on your son. How about your internal relationship with
(23:21):
yourself that has a strong no and a powerful yes.
How about that one? How about you looking for love
outside of you? And until you love you, nobody can
love you. They can make you feel good, they can
occupy your time and your space. But the first relationship
(23:42):
you must have, my beloved sister woman, is the relationship
you have with yourself. And if you're willing to compromise
yourself and settle yourself and diminish yourself, huh, you ain't
never gonna find nobody that's gonna love on you the
way you want to be.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Never. You can't take a stand for yourself in the
relationship with the person you sleep with. You can't take
a stand for yourself and that and you've been in
this marriage sixteen years and you're not satisfied intimately. Have
you ever told him, look, stop that lower slower a
(24:21):
little to the left. Have you ever told it that
you can't take a stand for yourself in the bed?
How you going to take a stand for yourself in
the world you have? But you settled for not getting it.
If you got to get a picture book and teach him,
see what he doing, do that, Let's see how that feel.
You know what? This is what I want to say
(24:42):
to you. Go to the mirror and snap the first person.
I ain't fooling with. You know more, you know what
to do, and you should be scared. You should be
scared to do it because for the first time, you
may be standing up for yourself. For the first time,
(25:06):
you may be using the Whitney Houston empowerment formula. You
know what that is? Oh hell to the No, that's
the Whitney Houston empowerment formula. You can't take care of
me and you want four other women. You bumped your head.
You don't bump your head somewhere, and you mean to
(25:26):
go somewhere and sit down. You've got many, many, many
sister women who are just learning who am I? Is?
This me? Is this what I want? You don't know
who you are and what your natural womanness is. You
don't know what that is.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I think I've crushed it down for so long.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
No, no, you crushed it down so long, settling for
less than what you desired and deserved. That's how you
did it. Don't give him all of that power. Don't
blame him for that. You own that.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
I've realized that I do have a relationship with myself
that has been damaged, and I have been working on that.
I've been working on that a lot, because I do
understand that love for myself, I have to have.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
Yeah, because so many of us as women didn't have
a demonstration. We looked at women who didn't know themselves
or women who settled in their lives, and we were
so busy saying I'm not going to be like that,
till we never discovered who we were going to be like.
Does that make sense? And don't diminish the fact, beloved,
(26:34):
that you've already decided I don't want this and I'm
afraid not to have it. But you should be. You
should be so afraid that a little pea is dribbling
down your legs, because if you don't pee on yourself,
then your vision isn't big enough. Your vision needs to
be big enough to scare the pee out of you.
(26:56):
I am so excited for you. I am so excited
I did for you because you get to grow up.
You get to grow yourself up and become a natural woman,
whatever that is. Oh, I lost my caller. We must
have blown her circuits. Oh, she blew her circuits. You
(27:18):
know that happens sometimes when the energy gets real high
and you're hearing something that you don't think you can handle.
You just blow the circuit. So I hope she gets
a chance to call back in, but if not, and
you hear this show, my beloved sister, I want you
to know how excited I am for you that you're
going to have an opportunity to define, redefine, clarify, renew, strengthen,
(27:45):
rebuild or build your natural womanness. After the break, we'll
come back with my second caller, who has a similar issue,
but for a very different reason. Welcome back. I am
Yan'm learning this is the our spot. Sometimes it doesn't
(28:10):
matter when you come into the realization. Oh wait a minute,
I've lost my natural womanness here. I have forgotten the
truth of who I am. I have forgotten the truth
of myself. I've lost the knowledge of myself because I've
been so busy looking out, reaching out, giving out. Doesn't
(28:33):
matter if you're thirty, forty, fifty, sixty or older. That
wake up, that moment, that realization is simply a call
for you to begin within. Go back in, just listen. Greetings, beloved,
welcome to the our spot, and thank you for your patience. Now,
(28:56):
what is your relationship issue, challenge dilemma that we're going
to stir up and chew on today.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
I've been married going on almost two years now. I've
met my husband off of dating apps, and we were
married seven months after meetings. I think the issue started
after we had our first setis win. Something just changed
with him. I don't know what happened or what may
have clicked, but he is non appreciative. It has been
physical altercation. I feel like my husband is like a
(29:25):
complete narcissist. He doesn't help me with our children when
he's home because he's always on the road. He drives
trust for a living. I've written to the Show of
plenty of time just trying to get help. At this point,
I'm sitting in my house right now and I'm ready
to attack my bags and my children up and leave.
At this point, this is how bad things I've gotten
(29:45):
for me if.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
He's not there most of the time. Define bad.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
Everything just went downhill. So when I say bad, I
meaning the way he speaks to me. He's inconsiderate. Again,
he doesn't help with the kids, the physical for alccasions.
We have had verbal abuse, mental abuse. Just even now,
we're back and forth through text message and he's just
saying outrageous things to the point where I'm just ready
(30:10):
to go. So it's just I feel like I love
my husband, but there's no fix in this situation. I
just cannot see it being fixed at this point.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
So what is the question that you're asking me? What
is the question you're asking? What is the challenge you're facing?
Speaker 3 (30:27):
The challenge I'm facing is getting up and actually leaving.
I'm at the point to where should I leave or
should I stay? For my children's say.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
So, let me ask you a question, belove It. I
want you to know that I've heard you throughout this marriage.
There have been physical altercations from him, yep, that you
have experienced mental abuse of verbal abuse. And your question
is should you leave? Is that the question?
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Yes, that's a question.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
Ask you a question, belove It, Should you leave?
Speaker 3 (31:05):
I think so?
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Is it that you're asking should you leave? Or are
you asking how should you leave? I?
Speaker 3 (31:14):
Think how? Because why I didn't stop my life so
he can live his, stop my dreams and all my
aspirations that I had, so he can do what he
wanted to do as far as income. And I had
started my cleaning business and I gave that up so
I can stay home with the kids while he just
out on the road, and now it seems like things
are even getting worse. I'm literally looking at my closet
(31:36):
and ready to start packing.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
My things up.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
Do you have a place to go?
Speaker 3 (31:42):
Yeah, I have another place. I'm a victim of sex trafficking,
and I live in this apartment homes for battered women,
and I left that place even though I still have
that place to move in in a home together that
we purchased together. And at this point, I'm just ready
to drop it all and just go back to my
little shack and be content there.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
So let me ask you a question, why don't you
want to go? In other words, why do you want
to stay Vaio Dreams.
Speaker 3 (32:11):
I didn't grow up in the house with both parents.
I did not have my father there. I wanted to
give my kids that, So I'm trying to do anything
I posably can to make it work in my marriage.
Maybe I should just keep trying for my kids, say
so they can have that father secure in their life
and watch two parents in one home together, because that's
something that I did not have, and that's something that
(32:33):
I always wanted and I did not get.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
About ten years ago, which would have made me sixty
about ten years ago, I woke up one day and
I said, oh my god, I was raised in a
two parent household, and it was disfunctional as hell, domestic violence, alcoholism.
(32:59):
I was sexually abused in that household, but the household
was so crazy and chaotic, so I didn't even recognize
there were two parents, two adults in the household. So
this whole thing that we give to two parent household
when there is physical, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse, for
(33:23):
us to try to make that work, to give our
children something that we didn't have, not give them what
they need, which is safety, security, self sufficiency, how to
make good choices and deal with the consequences of their choices.
Not a household where they know they are loved and
(33:44):
safe and protected. We just want there to be two parents.
So you want to be in a two parent household
so your children can see two parents where one is
physically abusing the other, when one is verbally abusive to
the other, where one is inconsiderate of the other, where
one is not present for the children, doesn't participate in
(34:07):
their maintenance care. You got two kids that are under
three years old, but you'd rather have that than your
dignity your respect, your freedom, your right to choose, your
right to be loved and nurtured and protected. You'd rather
have just two people? Is that what I'm hearing you say?
Speaker 3 (34:30):
That's worse.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Yet you need to go get a lobotomy, get your
brain cleaned out. Oh, I said all the time. I
will never advocate, ever, will I advocate for the dissolution
of a family, the end of a marriage. That's not
what I'm advocating. But I will always advocate the rights
(34:54):
of every individual, male or female, man or woman to
be safe and secure and empowered and loved and respected
and honored in their personage. So what is the question
that you have to ask me?
Speaker 3 (35:13):
No question.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
At this point, the.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
Question becomes how. And here's another very important question. I
want you to just think about your body, your back,
your belly, your breast, your feet, your legs, your toes,
your fingers, and ask yourself, this, is there any part
of me that still wants him? Check your toes, check
(35:38):
your fingernails, check your eyelashes. Is there any part of
you that still wants him, not wants the marriage, but
still wants him that man? Is there any part of you?
Speaker 3 (35:51):
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
No, you gotta know. You gotta know, because if it's
right in between your little toe in the fourth toe,
if there's any part of you that still wants him,
you'll be in and out of this thing for years.
You cannot leave. I don't care if you go, you'll
come back. As long as there is any part of
(36:14):
you that wants him as a man, she that part
of you will not get out of this. You cannot leave.
Of course, you don't want the situation in the marriage.
You don't want to be verbally, mentally, physically abused. But
do you want him? That's the question.
Speaker 3 (36:35):
That's the person I told Yeah, so you do want it?
Yeah you change?
Speaker 1 (36:41):
Okay, Okay, No, you can't. It's not gonna change. It's
not gonna change.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
Baby.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
You can't bank on that. You cannot bank on it changing.
Tell me why you're crying.
Speaker 3 (36:59):
That. I'm long now. I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
The first thing you can do is you're a woman.
You get to be the queen and the castle if
you're willing to stay in an abusive situation. And I'm
laying it out to you like cold water in your
face because I want you to be clear. I don't
want you to go and come and go and come.
That'll give you something else to beat yourself up about.
(37:26):
And when he gets home, you grab up the kids
and him and you say, we'll go into the councilor
you can't sleep here if you don't come to the
councilor you don't come to the counselor you can't be here.
You put your hands on me, I'm gonna call the police.
I'll get a restraining order to keep you away from here.
But if you want to be married to me, we
go into counseling today, right now. That's one thing you
(37:48):
could do. Another thing you can do is if there
is evidence of physical abuse, and I could be wrong,
please forgive me. I could be wrong. But you don't
sound like no punk to me. And you say that
there's physical altercations. I don't think you just stand there
and let it whip up on you. I think you'd
be whipping up on him too. Would that be accurate?
(38:14):
This is what your children are seeing, Okay, two parents
in the household whipping up on each other. But if
that's where you are right now, I'd rather that you
walk through the process to get your healing and to
get your strength and to stand in your womanness in
a way that's gonna honor you, because if you leave
(38:37):
and go back to that place, you'll be thinking home
with got I got a better refrigerator over there, and
I got my TVs over there. I don't want to
stay here because he's gonna come begging, he's gonna come promising,
and you'll go back and then three years from now,
five years from now, you'll be beating yourself up. So
let's not do that. Because as long as there's any
(38:57):
place within you that wants him, you cannot leave. You
will not. You'll go for a little while. What are
you willing to do?
Speaker 3 (39:06):
I'm willing to try the counsel in and put my
foot down in just saying he's not willing to do that,
then maybe I should just.
Speaker 1 (39:18):
You don't have to leave. It's called the order of protection.
If you have evidence that there's been physical abuse, of
physical violence, you take your babies, you march right down
to the courthouse. You get an order of protection. He
can't come within five hundred yards of you. And I'm
not saying use that as a way to turn them off.
I'm saying use that as a way not to disrupt
your life and your children's life. I'm not advocating that
(39:42):
you leave, nor am I advocating that you stay in
a situation where there's violence. I'm not advocating either one
of them. What I'm saying is based upon what you've
shared with me. I want to support you in creating
a plan and a process that serves you. One of
(40:02):
the things that you want to put on your to
do lists is to find a way for you as
a woman to begin to earn your own I don't
care if it's four hours as a cashier in the
local drug store where you have one hundred dollars that
you could stick down in your broad drowe because it's
(40:24):
a poor rat that only got one hole. Okay, you
got to have even as if even if you stay,
you gotta have that. You don't need a man buying
your sanitary napkins. You know that that is just crazy.
Tell me what you're going to do different when you
get off this car.
Speaker 3 (40:42):
The first thing I want to do is praise.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
What's your prayer? What's your prayer? Oh, my godness, what
is it.
Speaker 3 (40:49):
I'm going to talk to God to give me the
courage and the strength to actually confront him with these things,
because that's something I have not done. I know I've
said it lot to you, but it's something I have
not done for him. I have not expressed all of
this to him. I've just bottled it in. So yeah,
(41:10):
I have never it just expressed that. And I don't
know why I couldn't tell you. It's not that I'm
afraid to.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
You didn't know how to?
Speaker 2 (41:19):
I didn't.
Speaker 3 (41:19):
There we go. He took the words right on my mind.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
How to?
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (41:22):
How Now you know that's good? So when you get
off this call, I want you to go kiss up
and hug up your babies because they'll make you smile.
And then you got any chocolate. You got any chocolate
in the house, Oh, I keep it all right, eat
you some chocolate. Do you know what to do? Here's
(41:47):
your instructions. Finish crying, then go hug the babies, then
go eat chocolate, then go pray in that order. Okay, okay,
all right, my love, take good care, but bye. The
topic of domestic violence is very tricky because, on one hand,
(42:10):
I would say, never ever accommodate, tolerate, put yourself in
a situation where there's violence being perpetrated against you, although
I did it for nine years, I would say that.
And on the other hand, I would say it's a
symptom of something much larger. And if we can get
(42:35):
to the root of the problem, the cause of the problem,
chances are the violence can be addressed. And even if
that healing is, no not doing this, Even if that
healing is let me save myself, let me save my children.
Even if that healing is, I'm just not willing to
(42:59):
put up with it. So start with the question. I
ask you, who am I? Who am I? Who am
I in the world? Who am I in my mind?
Who am I in my heart? Who am I in
the kitchen? Who am I in the bedroom? In the kitchen,
I am Emerald Legassi. And in the bedroom I won't
(43:19):
tell you what her name is, but as a natural woman,
I got an identity for every place. I am. So
my sister, I know you know what to do, and
I know you're afraid, but just know this, there are
hundreds of thousands of your sister women out here cheering
(43:40):
you all answer that question, identify yourself and rise. I
hope this has been helpful to someone, And if you
have a question about this, or any other relationship issue.
You can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven six now be sure to follow
(44:01):
me on social media for all of the calling times,
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
(44:22):
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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