February 15, 2023 • 44 mins
This week, Iyanla explores the idea of the broken parts of ourselves that everyone holds inside them, yearning for what they never got as children. Iyanla’s first caller is a woman who feels like she can’t heal the broken parts inside of her, even though she can recognize that there’s a problem. And the second caller desperately wants to be able to love and take care of her mom, who is ill, but can’t seem to show the love she’s always wanted to receive. Iyanla shares the story of how she named and tamed her inner children.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with
I Heart Radio. I don't think people really understand that,
(00:40):
in addition to our external relationships with people, that we
have an internal relationship going on with people. And one
of the most important internal relationships that we have is
the relationship that we have with the pieces and parts
of ourselves that have war walked through our life experiences.
(01:04):
There's a part of you that remembers not being picked
for the team. There's a part of you that remembers
failing that spelling test. There's a part of you that
remembers daddy not being home. There's a part of you
that remembers your mom didn't yell at your brother the
way here. There's a part of you. These are the
little people inside of us, and although we mature and
(01:25):
grow up, they don't. And it is important, it is
absolutely essential to our well being to have a good
relationship with the pieces and parts of us, because if
we don't, those pieces and parts of us are gonna
run our lives. And no place do they show up quicker, faster,
(01:49):
and more dysfunctionally than in our relationships with other people,
because anything that they want, anything that they need, they're
gonna send you searching for it outside. We all have them,
and my guest today has identified some of her pieces
(02:10):
and parts. Listen, welcome to the arts about to love it.
Thank you for calling in And what is your relationship
challenge issue dilemma that we can chew on together today? Oh? Yes,
thank you so much. My challenge is as I heal,
(02:30):
how do I release feelings of blame about a lot
of what I'm healing from coming from childhood and family
that had their own unhealed trauma and et cetera. But
then I picked up these behaviors and mindset. I want
to go forward in my healing and not feel this blame.
(02:52):
I think I carry a little bit for people that
I do love and want to remain in relationship with,
But I don't want to keep going back to this
is where this came from and those negative feelings about
it and what boundaries would look like to continue being
in relationship with them if they've not changed, Okay, So
(03:16):
are you blaming them or are they blaming you? I'm
blaming them. I'm blaming them for things in childhood. You know,
when you get molested, you weren't being protected. When you
tell about being molested, and you don't go to therapies,
you weren't supported. And a lot of my experience in
(03:36):
childhood was like feeling not safe and kind of just like, well,
just figure it out and keep going. And then as
I became an adult, which involved being a team mom,
that's basically how I handled life. I would go through
things that were very traumatic, not talk about them, and
just keep going, and it just piled up until one
(03:57):
day I was like, I have got to do something
for myself with all this stuff that I'm carrying. And
as I've been doing the work, I find myself getting
angry at my parents and getting angry at my family,
and I don't want to carry all of that while
I'm doing all this work with myself because I'm getting better,
(04:17):
but I do have these feelings. So your feelings are
what what are those feelings that you have feelings of?
Maybe my parents they didn't have what I may have needed.
I want to forgive them for that. So what's the feeling.
The feeling is, it's anger is I can't lean on
(04:40):
you and I need to be able to rely on
you and trust you and lean on you, and I
couldn't then, and I still feel like I can't now. Okay,
this is quite juicy. I know you blame them for
not protecting you or not give in you what you're needed,
(05:01):
for not teaching you how to address challenges, issues, difficulties.
What else? I blamed them for not guiding me. And
I blamed them for some of how I've had to
work on my communication and being open and honest coming
(05:22):
from not feeling like they were open and honest. I
blamed them for me not really understanding what love should
look like. And so in adulthood, I I thought things
that I was being involved with was love and it
really wasn't. Mm hmm. The pain I feel in that
it's connected to what I just didn't get when I
(05:44):
was a child. You think it's their fault that you
didn't get what you needed and therefore you repeated the patterns. Right.
I feel like once I became an adult, of actions
were my choices and when I realized I was making
(06:04):
a lot of bad twins of the Young Lone Cad
and seen the show and I'm like, well, where did
this come from? Why was I making these choices? Why
was I feeling about this way? About myself so low?
And I just started to reflect on the past, which
I have never done. I see a father that abandoned me,
and I went and looked for him when I was
(06:26):
an adult and tried to start a relationship with him.
But then I'm like, well, maybe this has to do
with my poor choices with men. Was because of what
I didn't get from dad and my mother raising me
as a single mother, and her boyfriend that she got
was a boyfriend that was a predator, and I had
to deal with that at the age of ten. Some
of what I'm trying to undo an adulthood is bringing
(06:49):
me back to those moments, and it's making me angry
and I don't want to feel that way towards my
parents and my family. Well, you can give yourself permission
to be damn mad. I mean you do feel it, yeah,
And if you say you don't, then you're being as
dishonest as you accuse them of being. Why so give yourself.
(07:14):
I'm damn angry. This is your conversation. This is not
something you have to stand in front of your father
and your mother and say to them. So you're saying,
they didn't teach me how to deal with feelings, emotions,
or difficulties. And now as an adult, you're saying, I'm
not gonna deal with these feelings and difficulties. I don't
(07:37):
want to feel this way, but you do, so you
have to do it different this time. And how does
that look? It looks like I'm damn mad. Yeah, And
I'm mad because I feel abandoned. I'm mad because I
(07:58):
feel like I don't have protection. I'm mad because I
didn't have support then and I don't have it now.
I'm damn mad because I repeated the patterns that I
was inspected with from these people. Lay it out but
own it as opposed to blaming them for it. Because
when when you blame someone, you're as signing a fault
(08:22):
or a wrong to them. So what did they do
that was wrong? That's the thing. I feel like neither
one of my parents woke up and was like, I
know I'll feel it something I don't. I won't give
her something or Okay, you don't feel like they woke
up one morning and said, let me destroy my daughter's life,
let me not deal with her. So why are you
(08:44):
blaming them? I didn't feel like like I got to
a certain age when I was young. I was out
here looking for something that you first get from here
for family, and I don't feel I did. Let me
share this with you. The reason you're blaming them is
(09:08):
because the ten year old who was molested, or the
seven year old who felt abandoned, or the six year
old who didn't have anybody to talk to, they run
in your life right now. They are. I told my
therapist that sometimes I feel like my ten year old
is in this session. I feel like my seventeen year
old self is in this session. I do. I'm glad
(09:31):
you picked up one that. Please tell me what to
do about that. Own your feelings, because when you say
I don't want to feel this, what you're saying to
the ten year old, the six year old, the five
year old is you shouldn't feel this way, which is
the exact same thing that your parents said. You're diminishing, dismissing,
denying their feelings. So give yourself permission to feel it.
(09:55):
The reason you're projecting it outward is because you those
children don't know how to own it. The thing is
your two steps ahead of the game when you say
they didn't do anything wrong. Right, So that's a good thing.
(10:16):
And let's go one step further and say this, I'm
really really sad that my parents didn't have what I needed.
How you imagine this that out of all of the
(10:37):
things you could be doing right now, you are interrupting
the pattern. And maybe you you weren't able to interrupt
it with your children, but you may be able to
influence your grandchildren and your great grandchildren. Yeah, it's really sad,
but you survived. Hello, I did because you could be
(11:01):
on a pole, you could be somewhere with a needle
in your arm. You could be locked up in jail
for mass murder in the post office. And what are
you doing. You're talking to y'alla on the podcast and
going to therapy. Exactly what a powerful choice. Yeah, hold
(11:24):
onto this. It is unloving to ask someone to do
something that they don't know how to do. You're asking
your parents to be people and do things that they
don't know how to do. And I wouldn't want somebody
to do that with me either. I would want somebody
(11:46):
to be what I do have and what I can do.
Clutch your pearls because you are doing to yourself exactly
what they did to you. What you're saying to them
is I'm not going to name this. I'm not gonna
call it. I'm not going to give it any attention.
I'm doing this. But you can't do that. You've got
to bring them along with you. When you feel angry,
(12:11):
say you're angry, because the truth is, you're not angry
at your parents today. You're angry for who they were
back then, right, and you can't change that, and they
may never change. They still don't have what you need
if they didn't do their work. I have a solution
(12:34):
for you, and you are probably not going to like it.
Are you ready? Okay, we'll do it right after this break.
Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to
the conversation. I heard you say I didn't have anybody
(12:58):
to lean on back then, and I don't. I can't
lean on them. You don't need your grown woman, You
don't need to lean on your parents today. That's the
little girl talking. That's what I was about to say.
I feel like she wants me to go and get
from them what she wanted then, And I'm like, what
do I say to that, give it to her, Give
(13:19):
to yourself what you didn't get till That means, don't
deny your feelings. If you're feeling something, on it, if
you need something, how do you lean on you? So,
if you've got an upset or problem or challenge or difficulty,
how do you lean on yourself? Do you know how
(13:41):
to do that? Or do you revert back to remembering
what it was like and what you didn't have. I
feel like what I need to do today some things
that I've been learning is, you know, write it out,
maybe speak it out, let it out, and be honest
about these feelings rather than what I've been doing over
the years, which is eating. That's like my main thing
(14:04):
that I would do. And I continue to think to myself,
if you could just get the way you need to
get to, this way to come off, it won't keep
being the issue. And I think we've unpacking uncovered something
today and that is I need to honor how I
feel and stop feeling like I'm wrong for feeling what
I feel and name it what it is. Yes, you're angry,
(14:30):
but you're also sad, and you're also disappointed and hurt
yeah and heard yeah, And right beneath that hurt is
the law. So your adult mind is saying, how the
hell can I love these people who caused me so
(14:53):
much pain and really jacked up my life? How can
I love them? That's what you're the adult are saying.
But that love that you feel is coming from the
innocence of those children. So I say to you, also
give yourself permission to love them as crazy as they are,
as jacked up as they are, and stop demanding that
(15:15):
they change. Okay, I hear you, stop it. Thank you
so much for that, And you get to choose how
to be in relationship with them. You get to create boundaries.
But when you do that, you have to know who's speaking.
Is that the five year old that just wants to
(15:36):
crawl up in mommy's lap? Is that the seven year
old who wants to be daddy's princess? Is it the
ten year old who's scared and feels alone and frightened
and unprotected, who is running the show at any given moment?
So what I would encourage you to do, and you
can run this by your therapists. She may know about
(15:57):
voice dialogue or inner dialogue. You can identify each of
those parts of you. See my thirteen year old, I
constantly have to deal with her because she is a
hot mess. Her job is to protect the five year
old and a nine year old, and she's a beast.
(16:19):
She will cost you fulfilth any time. Very angry. He
is so very angry. That is why she's protecting all
the younger ones. So you have to give her something
else to do. Teach her how to knit, teach her
how to crochet, get her a coloring book and some
(16:40):
coloring pencils. And when you feel that anger or when
she's acting out, because she will act out. Thirteen fourteen,
fifteen sixteen. They are a hot mess to deal with.
Let me tell you. Belligerent, defiant, old foul mouth. When
you feel like that, when mommy says something that upsets
her and she wants to, you know, go after mommy.
(17:02):
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, go get your color
and book. Go sit down somewhere. I got this. You
have to handle them. You do this. I got that. Okay.
Children need three things. They need system, they need order,
they need structure. So you have to create and develop
(17:22):
a system in your life where you communicate with them.
What I did was I gave each of them a
different name. I would know who what part of me
I'm addressing? And what does the five year old? Do?
You know? My five year old wines she is a
total whiner. Okay, my nine year old she's the scared cat.
(17:46):
She's scared everything. Because these were pivotal points of trauma
in my life. So you begin to name them and
also see how they operate when they show up. What
triggers them. My father triggered my five year old. I'm
thirty five years old and cowering in the corner when
(18:08):
Daddy comes around. What you're saying right now is making
so much sense with me right now. Where when I
was a teenager and going to church with my mom,
and that was when I had got pregnant with my
first child, and I do right now today, at forty
nine years old, feel myself that teenager trying to please
(18:32):
my mother with church. I started going back to church
with her in April and every Sunday. I'm only saying
this because I'm talking to you, but I have not
said this out loud or acknowledging at all? Well, please
do is every Sunday? I say? Is she happy that
I'm going to church with her? Is she glad that
I'm learning? Does she see that I'm being how she
(18:55):
wanted me to be back then when I embarrassed her?
That's me identifying when it's one of those selves. It
is that selves that is going to church with my
mother wants sundays. I want to be there as a
grown up, of course, But do you do you want
to go to church every Sunday? Tell the truth? I do, yes,
(19:18):
I do. Okay, do you want to go to that
church with your mama? I want to go to my
own church. We'll go to your own church, because that
is how you, the adult woman, lets the little people
know it's okay, we're not doing apple. We're doing this.
You're going to church with your mother to neutralize the
(19:38):
shame and the guilt because you embarrassed her. You can
go with her every other week. Say I'm going to
my church today. I'll go with you next week. But
become an adult. Don't keep giving the little people the
opportunity to run your life. I see, and let me
say this, I am so honored that you trusted me,
(19:59):
I and yourself with something that you had never admitted
out loud. That's a real adult thing to do. Thank you.
Thank you. That well scary and it was hard, but
I understand what you just said. I understand what you've
been saying to me. I get it. Yeah, thank you
so much for your help. I want you to slow
(20:19):
walk this. I don't want you to think you got
it and jump out there and do too much. Slow walking.
Start with ma, I'm not gonna go to church with
you this Sunday. I'm going to my church, but I'll
go with you next Sunday. You want to go to
church with your mom, but you also want to have
that place in your life where you're just not trying
to please her. You're doing what's right for you exactly.
(20:43):
And let me let me just say this to you.
The weight is how you protect yourself. The weight is
protecting those little people from further hurt, harm, abuse, danger.
The weight is how you keep people up off of you.
So as you continue to do this work and as
(21:05):
you continue to corral them little people, I promise you
the way it's gonna come off. Food is our friend. Food,
don't talk back. Food don't ask nothing. Many many people
comfort themselves with food. So right now, I want you
to give yourself permission to comfort yourself, and the deeper
(21:30):
your healing goes, you'll see food differently because as you
comfort yourself, you won't need the comfort that the food brings,
and you're eating habits will change. I want to encourage
you every Sunday, even if it's just for two minutes,
turn over to the Holy Spirit everything that is causing
(21:54):
you to comfort yourself with food, as the Holy Spirit,
to change your appetite so that I can restore myself
to my ideal weight. Ask the Holy Spirit to comfort you,
as the Holy Spirit to be your protector. And I'm
saying these things to you because you go to church,
you know. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you see
(22:17):
yourself differently, because you're not a little girl that needs
mommy and daddy. I'm not. I am not, I really
am not. You're a grown adult woman who has made
the choice to heal. Give yourself credit for that. I
will give myself credit for that. Yeah, thank you so much.
Check in and let me know how you're doing. Thank
(22:39):
you so much, baby, I love you back. I will
thank you so much alrighty bye bye bye bye. I
remember when I first became aware of my thirteen year
old I must have been about thirty three, and it
was a part of me that was just belligerent and
defying and mean. And one day I said, who the
(23:02):
hell are you? And she answered, I'm you. It's all
about you, bou. But that sent me on a journey
to identify and discover the pieces and parts of me
within that hadn't grown up, The pieces and parts of
(23:24):
me within that was still broken and hurting, afraid, ashamed, sad, disappointed.
We all have them. In order for you to heal fully,
you must address the unhealed parts of yourself. My last caller,
she was on the right path. She is making the
(23:46):
choice to heal. But you know, you can't just make
the decision to grow and heal. There are things you
must do. There's a process, and the first step of
that process is acknowledging those broken pieces, because acknowledgement it's
(24:07):
the first step toward healing. And as you acknowledge, oh
wait a minute, there's some pieces and parts in here
that need my attention. You can talk to those pieces,
talk to those parts, talk to those parts of you.
That are calling out for your love, find out what
(24:28):
they need. Listen within, because until you fix the issues
inside of you, changing anything else, especially something external like
a family relationship, it is not going to turn out
well for you. It's not going to work. And you know,
(24:49):
we're so hardcore and technical today that we want everything
quaking fast and we wanted to be easy. But in
this journey of healing and growing, particularly in and with relationships,
there are sometimes when you just need to weep. Weep
(25:11):
at your heartbreak, weep at your heartache, weep at your helplessness.
Sometimes weep at your hopelessness because your pain needs a witness.
That's what I think my next caller might need to
do in order to get started on her healing. Listen
(25:32):
up meetings, will love and welcome to the art spot.
Thank you for calling in today. And what is your
relationship challenge issue dilemma that we can nibble on? Thank
you for having me Well. I've had a very challenging
relationship with my mother for I think I would say
(25:53):
all my life. It stemmed from you know, me feeling
betrayed as a child, something that I've been and I
feel like that was the turning point. In our relationship
throughout the years. I mean, I've always looked and wanted
love from my mother, but I feel like in that
same sense, over the years, I've also learned to build
(26:16):
up a wall protecting myself from being hurt by her.
We lived together, and it's pretty much like a roommate situation,
and I don't like it. I want to change. I
know I'm not perfect, and sometimes my communications with her
lack patients, but I feel like I've learned to just
(26:37):
be so defensive from being hurt by her that I
haven't allowed myself to receive anything. And now she has
some health challenges in terms of with her memory and
as an adult. Now, you know, I can understand that
maybe you know what, maybe she didn't feel love or
receive the love that she wanted as a child, So
(26:58):
I could understand that, but it's all doesn't take away
that feeling of wanting that. So I don't want the
relationship to be like this with my mother. I want
us to have a loving relationship. I want us to
be able to communicate together. And I just find it
hard getting over those past portrayals to get to that point.
(27:18):
Wow wow, wow, No, let me tell you why I'm
saying wow. I'm saying wow because your desire to heal
is so great that the universe has set you up
(27:40):
for the most powerful healing circumstance that you can have,
and that is you have the opportunity to experience your
situation from both sides. You have the opportunity to do
for your mother what you think she didn't do for you.
(28:00):
Oh my goodness, you are powerful. This is a divine
set up. You have been set up, my darling, and
it's all the answer to your prayer. H yeah, So
let me nibble on a few corners of this situation.
(28:24):
Betrayed as a child? How old were you? I think
I was probably maybe ten eleven, Well maybe around that area.
Are you open to discussing what that is? And if
you're not, that's fine. I just feel like she didn't
(28:45):
protect me, protect my innocence as a girl child. I
was placed in a very embarrassing situation where I had
no control because I had to do what my mother said.
And I can remember like after leaving that place, I
was just a different person, Like I was always happy,
(29:06):
smiling as a child. In that moment, I just lost
all of that. You were unprotected, You were embarrassed, and
what else? I hate to see this by remembering that moment,
looking at her and telling her that I hate her,
because that's how it hurt and betrayed. I felt you
were hurt? Okay? Were you angry? Absolutely? Okay? Yes? And
(29:31):
what did you do with the anger, the hurt, the embarrassment.
Do you remember how you navigated that during that time?
I pretty much suppressed it. You suppressed it? And how
does it show up in your life today as it
(29:52):
relates to my mother or just in general? Just in general,
I think I can be closed off and I tend
to the pressing out of my feelings feeling alone and
like having no one to talk to. So I deal
with a lot of things on my own as best
as I can, which is not always with the best
(30:15):
outcome because you don't trust people to have your best
interests at heart. Yeah, So I want you to do
this for me if you can. Okay, I want you
to just close your eyes for a moment and take
a nice breath, and I want you to see that
little girl. I want you to go back into that
(30:38):
place where the embarrassment, the betrayal, the hurt took place. You,
the adult, are going back there, and I want you
to look at that little girl. Can you see the
little girl? I can yet, and this thing has just happened.
Take a breath and just look over at your mom.
(31:00):
And what does she want to say to her? Give
her permission, you the adult, Give her permission to say
whatever she wants to say to her mom. She's got
a hall pass. The first thing comes to mind is why, yeah,
say it again? Why what else? Let her use your mouth?
You're just listening and watching? Do you hate me? Like?
(31:24):
What did I do? Is that you talking, the adult?
Or is that her talking? Because I just hear this
little child just weeping her little heart out? Yeah? What
else does she want to say? I don't know. I
just feel like just why why? Why would you do
that to me? What is the matter with you? Why
(31:45):
would you do Do you hear this? Do you see this?
What is wrong with you? Why would you do this
to me? What else? Don't monitor her? Give her permission
to say what she needs to say? And I think
I over the years for a lot, I just don't
even though she has a voice, like I've just covered
her she does and protected her. No, you've silenced her.
(32:10):
You didn't know how to protect her, and her devastation
is so great too. When it comes up in your body,
you shut down. Does that make sense to you? Yes,
So you shut down, and then you shut her down,
(32:31):
and she doesn't get an opportunity to say because I
can just see her kicking and screaming in the floor, screaming, screaming,
why what are you doing? What is the matter with you? Why? Why? Why?
And then right under her, right under the one that
that had that experience, there's a younger one, an even
(32:54):
younger one. And what I hear her saying is I'm
not your brand anymore? Yeah? Right? What else? How could you? Yeah?
Do you not like me? Do you not love me? No,
you don't like me. You don't love me? Not to
do that to me? Yeah? Yeah. And here's a big one.
(33:21):
If you can own it, own it, and if you can't,
that's okay. I don't trust you and I'll never trust
you again. Yeah. So this little girl has grown up
to become a woman who doesn't trust herself her mother.
(33:42):
This little girl has grown up to be a woman
feeling unloved by her mother. And this little girl has
grown up to be a woman who now has to
provide care for and love too and protection for the
woman who betrayed her, embarrassed her, a woman she doesn't trust,
(34:04):
and a woman she doesn't feel loved her. And now
that that woman doesn't even have the capacity to demonstrate
love because she's losing grip with her reality. Well, my,
my mind, you must really want to heal. Well. The
first step is to give yourself permission to feel what
(34:28):
that ten year old feel and then treat mommy the
way you would have wanted her to treat your little girl.
That's where you're healing is. We'll talk about that right
after this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's
(34:55):
pick up where we left ar. Tell me what you
heard me say. Yes, Um, fighting over myself to be
able to Joe and give love to my mother in
ways that I never received it. Yeah. I am a
loving person, so I know the type of love that
(35:16):
I can't give. I just feel like, Okay, I'm going
to give you this love. But this is the love
that I wanted you to give me. Well, no, this
is the love that the ten year old wanted her
mother to give her, not you, the adult woman living
(35:36):
with your mom. That's not what you want. Otherwise your
mother wouldn't be there. Yeah, your mother is there to
provide you with the opportunity to give to the ten
year old what she didn't receive from her mother. And
the way you're going to do that is by giving
it to your mother and in doing that. See, baby,
(35:59):
this is how you protect somebody that you love. This
is how you care for somebody that you love. This
is how you honor somebody that you love. In order
to train up that ten year old twelve year old
that was embarrassed her by her mother and teach her
that she can trust you, not to take your love away,
(36:23):
not to take your kindness away, not to you got
to teach her things that your mom didn't teach her. Now,
you set this lesson up because you could have put
in a nursing home and you didn't. So you set
this up. Like I said, Wow, you really want to heal,
(36:46):
but you're not healing you as an adult. You're healing
that eleven year old ten year old that's been running
your life and running your relationship with your mother. Tell
me what you hear me saying, I don't care what
it is. I hear that. In order for me to
really find true healing, I need to I need to
(37:09):
speak to that young child that was hurt and be
able to show her that love is possible, yes, and
teach her that sometimes people don't make good choices and
decisions and we get hurt, but that don't mean we
stop loving them. That doesn't mean that they don't deserve
(37:31):
to be loved. And then sometimes when your mother sitting
in a chair, you have to kneel down in front
of her and put your head in her lip. And
I guarantee you if you do it, she's gonna stroke
your face. So you let that little girl know see
(37:51):
she does love you. Let's do that in our mind
right now. I want you to see yourself as you
are today. I want you to see your mother as
you are today. Can you see that in your mind? Yes? Okay,
in your mind. I want you to walk over to
(38:14):
wherever she's sitting. Just kneel down in front of her
and put your head in her lap. Take your time
out there up there. Yeah, now, I'm gonna stroke your back.
Let your mom put her hand on your face. She
(38:35):
hasn't said a word to you, just let her put
her hand on your face. That's my hand. You feel
on your back and tell me what you're thinking, what
you're feeling, what's going on. It feels foreign, but it
feels like this is what I wanted all yes, yes,
(38:59):
I yeah. Yeah. So your work, beloved, is to do
that at least once a day, if you do it
in the bathtub, if you do it while you're making
coffee or tea. Just once a day in your mind,
see yourself going to your mom, putting your head in
her lap until you can do it physically. Not because
(39:25):
you the adult needs it, but because that little girl
needs it. Does that make sense to you? Yes? Yeah,
you're pushing past all of those decisions that that little
girl made and you're showing her that mommy is safe.
You're showing her that mommy is different. You do it
(39:47):
in your mind until you can do it physically. Okay,
I need you the adult to be in charge. Take
a breath. Oh, you need to learn how to breathe.
I'm choking for you. Oh my gosh, all of that
(40:11):
wahala is locked up in your body simply because you
don't breathe a m Yeah. I want you to go
on Google, no, go to YouTube, and I want you
to look up conscious breathing, and there are three minute videos,
(40:33):
ten minute videos, fifteen minute videos. Watch some of those videos,
because the breath is what's going to start moving this
energy through your body that's been locked up, that you've suppressed.
You've got to be able to breathe. You're not breathing.
And I think this because when this thing happened to you,
that little girl was holding her breath and she's never
she hasn't breathed since that. Yeah, but I really want
(41:01):
you to hear me that your desire to heal with
your mom as an adult is really unfolding in a
powerful and divine way. You have an opportunity to demonstrate.
What you're doing now is you are reparenting yourself and
you're gonna grow that little girl up through your relationship
(41:24):
with your mom. And I want you to get a
copy of Forgiveness. I wrote a book many years ago
called Forgiveness and work through it, particularly in a section
about your mom, so that you can forgive your beliefs
about your mom, your thoughts about your mom, forgive your
mind for thinking about your mom the way you have
(41:46):
forgive your thoughts. Yeah, and you rubbed that little girl's
back the way I rubbed yours. Forgive me, but I
sense or feel that that little girl just needs to
go somewhere and just weep for a little while. So
why don't you going to bear from in closer door
and just weep? Can you do that? Do that? Okay,
(42:06):
we'll go do that. Go have a weeping good time. Okay,
all right, thank you so much, Yes, thank you so
much for loving. I will hear from you soon. Good Bye,
bye bye. When was the last time you gave yourself
(42:33):
permission to just weep, to just let your heart break
and weep. I'm talking about the ugliest, not running out
your nose, weeping, making inhumane sounds, weeping. I'm talking about
doubled over in the bathroom weeping not for you, but
(42:59):
for that little person inside that didn't have permission to
do it, for that little person inside that didn't have
the tools she needed or he needed to get yourself
through it. We need to have a weep day, just
a day when we just give ourselves permission to let
(43:21):
the little people inside of us weep. So after you
have your weep fast, go have some ice cream or
chocolate cake or Hershey bar or whatever you need. It's
all a part of healing and the time we're living
in on this planet at this time, baby, we all
need some healing. Okay, So have your weep fest, eat
(43:44):
your chocolate. This is the R Spot. I am the
Yamla and I'll see you next time. I hope this
has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me
(44:05):
on social media for all of the calling times, and
until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R
Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
(44:25):
I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you
listen to your favorite shows.
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with
I Heart Radio. I don't think people really understand that,
(00:40):
in addition to our external relationships with people, that we
have an internal relationship going on with people. And one
of the most important internal relationships that we have is
the relationship that we have with the pieces and parts
of ourselves that have war walked through our life experiences.
(01:04):
There's a part of you that remembers not being picked
for the team. There's a part of you that remembers
failing that spelling test. There's a part of you that
remembers daddy not being home. There's a part of you
that remembers your mom didn't yell at your brother the
way here. There's a part of you. These are the
little people inside of us, and although we mature and
(01:25):
grow up, they don't. And it is important, it is
absolutely essential to our well being to have a good
relationship with the pieces and parts of us, because if
we don't, those pieces and parts of us are gonna
run our lives. And no place do they show up quicker, faster,
(01:49):
and more dysfunctionally than in our relationships with other people,
because anything that they want, anything that they need, they're
gonna send you searching for it outside. We all have them,
and my guest today has identified some of her pieces
(02:10):
and parts. Listen, welcome to the arts about to love it.
Thank you for calling in And what is your relationship
challenge issue dilemma that we can chew on together today? Oh? Yes,
thank you so much. My challenge is as I heal,
(02:30):
how do I release feelings of blame about a lot
of what I'm healing from coming from childhood and family
that had their own unhealed trauma and et cetera. But
then I picked up these behaviors and mindset. I want
to go forward in my healing and not feel this blame.
(02:52):
I think I carry a little bit for people that
I do love and want to remain in relationship with,
But I don't want to keep going back to this
is where this came from and those negative feelings about
it and what boundaries would look like to continue being
in relationship with them if they've not changed, Okay, So
(03:16):
are you blaming them or are they blaming you? I'm
blaming them. I'm blaming them for things in childhood. You know,
when you get molested, you weren't being protected. When you
tell about being molested, and you don't go to therapies,
you weren't supported. And a lot of my experience in
(03:36):
childhood was like feeling not safe and kind of just like, well,
just figure it out and keep going. And then as
I became an adult, which involved being a team mom,
that's basically how I handled life. I would go through
things that were very traumatic, not talk about them, and
just keep going, and it just piled up until one
(03:57):
day I was like, I have got to do something
for myself with all this stuff that I'm carrying. And
as I've been doing the work, I find myself getting
angry at my parents and getting angry at my family,
and I don't want to carry all of that while
I'm doing all this work with myself because I'm getting better,
(04:17):
but I do have these feelings. So your feelings are
what what are those feelings that you have feelings of?
Maybe my parents they didn't have what I may have needed.
I want to forgive them for that. So what's the feeling.
The feeling is, it's anger is I can't lean on
(04:40):
you and I need to be able to rely on
you and trust you and lean on you, and I
couldn't then, and I still feel like I can't now. Okay,
this is quite juicy. I know you blame them for
not protecting you or not give in you what you're needed,
(05:01):
for not teaching you how to address challenges, issues, difficulties.
What else? I blamed them for not guiding me. And
I blamed them for some of how I've had to
work on my communication and being open and honest coming
(05:22):
from not feeling like they were open and honest. I
blamed them for me not really understanding what love should
look like. And so in adulthood, I I thought things
that I was being involved with was love and it
really wasn't. Mm hmm. The pain I feel in that
it's connected to what I just didn't get when I
(05:44):
was a child. You think it's their fault that you
didn't get what you needed and therefore you repeated the patterns. Right.
I feel like once I became an adult, of actions
were my choices and when I realized I was making
(06:04):
a lot of bad twins of the Young Lone Cad
and seen the show and I'm like, well, where did
this come from? Why was I making these choices? Why
was I feeling about this way? About myself so low?
And I just started to reflect on the past, which
I have never done. I see a father that abandoned me,
and I went and looked for him when I was
(06:26):
an adult and tried to start a relationship with him.
But then I'm like, well, maybe this has to do
with my poor choices with men. Was because of what
I didn't get from dad and my mother raising me
as a single mother, and her boyfriend that she got
was a boyfriend that was a predator, and I had
to deal with that at the age of ten. Some
of what I'm trying to undo an adulthood is bringing
(06:49):
me back to those moments, and it's making me angry
and I don't want to feel that way towards my
parents and my family. Well, you can give yourself permission
to be damn mad. I mean you do feel it, yeah,
And if you say you don't, then you're being as
dishonest as you accuse them of being. Why so give yourself.
(07:14):
I'm damn angry. This is your conversation. This is not
something you have to stand in front of your father
and your mother and say to them. So you're saying,
they didn't teach me how to deal with feelings, emotions,
or difficulties. And now as an adult, you're saying, I'm
not gonna deal with these feelings and difficulties. I don't
(07:37):
want to feel this way, but you do, so you
have to do it different this time. And how does
that look? It looks like I'm damn mad. Yeah, And
I'm mad because I feel abandoned. I'm mad because I
(07:58):
feel like I don't have protection. I'm mad because I
didn't have support then and I don't have it now.
I'm damn mad because I repeated the patterns that I
was inspected with from these people. Lay it out but
own it as opposed to blaming them for it. Because
when when you blame someone, you're as signing a fault
(08:22):
or a wrong to them. So what did they do
that was wrong? That's the thing. I feel like neither
one of my parents woke up and was like, I
know I'll feel it something I don't. I won't give
her something or Okay, you don't feel like they woke
up one morning and said, let me destroy my daughter's life,
let me not deal with her. So why are you
(08:44):
blaming them? I didn't feel like like I got to
a certain age when I was young. I was out
here looking for something that you first get from here
for family, and I don't feel I did. Let me
share this with you. The reason you're blaming them is
(09:08):
because the ten year old who was molested, or the
seven year old who felt abandoned, or the six year
old who didn't have anybody to talk to, they run
in your life right now. They are. I told my
therapist that sometimes I feel like my ten year old
is in this session. I feel like my seventeen year
old self is in this session. I do. I'm glad
(09:31):
you picked up one that. Please tell me what to
do about that. Own your feelings, because when you say
I don't want to feel this, what you're saying to
the ten year old, the six year old, the five
year old is you shouldn't feel this way, which is
the exact same thing that your parents said. You're diminishing, dismissing,
denying their feelings. So give yourself permission to feel it.
(09:55):
The reason you're projecting it outward is because you those
children don't know how to own it. The thing is
your two steps ahead of the game when you say
they didn't do anything wrong. Right, So that's a good thing.
(10:16):
And let's go one step further and say this, I'm
really really sad that my parents didn't have what I needed.
How you imagine this that out of all of the
(10:37):
things you could be doing right now, you are interrupting
the pattern. And maybe you you weren't able to interrupt
it with your children, but you may be able to
influence your grandchildren and your great grandchildren. Yeah, it's really sad,
but you survived. Hello, I did because you could be
(11:01):
on a pole, you could be somewhere with a needle
in your arm. You could be locked up in jail
for mass murder in the post office. And what are
you doing. You're talking to y'alla on the podcast and
going to therapy. Exactly what a powerful choice. Yeah, hold
(11:24):
onto this. It is unloving to ask someone to do
something that they don't know how to do. You're asking
your parents to be people and do things that they
don't know how to do. And I wouldn't want somebody
to do that with me either. I would want somebody
(11:46):
to be what I do have and what I can do.
Clutch your pearls because you are doing to yourself exactly
what they did to you. What you're saying to them
is I'm not going to name this. I'm not gonna
call it. I'm not going to give it any attention.
I'm doing this. But you can't do that. You've got
to bring them along with you. When you feel angry,
(12:11):
say you're angry, because the truth is, you're not angry
at your parents today. You're angry for who they were
back then, right, and you can't change that, and they
may never change. They still don't have what you need
if they didn't do their work. I have a solution
(12:34):
for you, and you are probably not going to like it.
Are you ready? Okay, we'll do it right after this break.
Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to
the conversation. I heard you say I didn't have anybody
(12:58):
to lean on back then, and I don't. I can't
lean on them. You don't need your grown woman, You
don't need to lean on your parents today. That's the
little girl talking. That's what I was about to say.
I feel like she wants me to go and get
from them what she wanted then, And I'm like, what
do I say to that, give it to her, Give
(13:19):
to yourself what you didn't get till That means, don't
deny your feelings. If you're feeling something, on it, if
you need something, how do you lean on you? So,
if you've got an upset or problem or challenge or difficulty,
how do you lean on yourself? Do you know how
(13:41):
to do that? Or do you revert back to remembering
what it was like and what you didn't have. I
feel like what I need to do today some things
that I've been learning is, you know, write it out,
maybe speak it out, let it out, and be honest
about these feelings rather than what I've been doing over
the years, which is eating. That's like my main thing
(14:04):
that I would do. And I continue to think to myself,
if you could just get the way you need to
get to, this way to come off, it won't keep
being the issue. And I think we've unpacking uncovered something
today and that is I need to honor how I
feel and stop feeling like I'm wrong for feeling what
I feel and name it what it is. Yes, you're angry,
(14:30):
but you're also sad, and you're also disappointed and hurt
yeah and heard yeah, And right beneath that hurt is
the law. So your adult mind is saying, how the
hell can I love these people who caused me so
(14:53):
much pain and really jacked up my life? How can
I love them? That's what you're the adult are saying.
But that love that you feel is coming from the
innocence of those children. So I say to you, also
give yourself permission to love them as crazy as they are,
as jacked up as they are, and stop demanding that
(15:15):
they change. Okay, I hear you, stop it. Thank you
so much for that, And you get to choose how
to be in relationship with them. You get to create boundaries.
But when you do that, you have to know who's speaking.
Is that the five year old that just wants to
(15:36):
crawl up in mommy's lap? Is that the seven year
old who wants to be daddy's princess? Is it the
ten year old who's scared and feels alone and frightened
and unprotected, who is running the show at any given moment?
So what I would encourage you to do, and you
can run this by your therapists. She may know about
(15:57):
voice dialogue or inner dialogue. You can identify each of
those parts of you. See my thirteen year old, I
constantly have to deal with her because she is a
hot mess. Her job is to protect the five year
old and a nine year old, and she's a beast.
(16:19):
She will cost you fulfilth any time. Very angry. He
is so very angry. That is why she's protecting all
the younger ones. So you have to give her something
else to do. Teach her how to knit, teach her
how to crochet, get her a coloring book and some
(16:40):
coloring pencils. And when you feel that anger or when
she's acting out, because she will act out. Thirteen fourteen,
fifteen sixteen. They are a hot mess to deal with.
Let me tell you. Belligerent, defiant, old foul mouth. When
you feel like that, when mommy says something that upsets
her and she wants to, you know, go after mommy.
(17:02):
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, go get your color
and book. Go sit down somewhere. I got this. You
have to handle them. You do this. I got that. Okay.
Children need three things. They need system, they need order,
they need structure. So you have to create and develop
(17:22):
a system in your life where you communicate with them.
What I did was I gave each of them a
different name. I would know who what part of me
I'm addressing? And what does the five year old? Do?
You know? My five year old wines she is a
total whiner. Okay, my nine year old she's the scared cat.
(17:46):
She's scared everything. Because these were pivotal points of trauma
in my life. So you begin to name them and
also see how they operate when they show up. What
triggers them. My father triggered my five year old. I'm
thirty five years old and cowering in the corner when
(18:08):
Daddy comes around. What you're saying right now is making
so much sense with me right now. Where when I
was a teenager and going to church with my mom,
and that was when I had got pregnant with my
first child, and I do right now today, at forty
nine years old, feel myself that teenager trying to please
(18:32):
my mother with church. I started going back to church
with her in April and every Sunday. I'm only saying
this because I'm talking to you, but I have not
said this out loud or acknowledging at all? Well, please
do is every Sunday? I say? Is she happy that
I'm going to church with her? Is she glad that
I'm learning? Does she see that I'm being how she
(18:55):
wanted me to be back then when I embarrassed her?
That's me identifying when it's one of those selves. It
is that selves that is going to church with my
mother wants sundays. I want to be there as a
grown up, of course, But do you do you want
to go to church every Sunday? Tell the truth? I do, yes,
(19:18):
I do. Okay, do you want to go to that
church with your mama? I want to go to my
own church. We'll go to your own church, because that
is how you, the adult woman, lets the little people
know it's okay, we're not doing apple. We're doing this.
You're going to church with your mother to neutralize the
(19:38):
shame and the guilt because you embarrassed her. You can
go with her every other week. Say I'm going to
my church today. I'll go with you next week. But
become an adult. Don't keep giving the little people the
opportunity to run your life. I see, and let me
say this, I am so honored that you trusted me,
(19:59):
I and yourself with something that you had never admitted
out loud. That's a real adult thing to do. Thank you.
Thank you. That well scary and it was hard, but
I understand what you just said. I understand what you've
been saying to me. I get it. Yeah, thank you
so much for your help. I want you to slow
(20:19):
walk this. I don't want you to think you got
it and jump out there and do too much. Slow walking.
Start with ma, I'm not gonna go to church with
you this Sunday. I'm going to my church, but I'll
go with you next Sunday. You want to go to
church with your mom, but you also want to have
that place in your life where you're just not trying
to please her. You're doing what's right for you exactly.
(20:43):
And let me let me just say this to you.
The weight is how you protect yourself. The weight is
protecting those little people from further hurt, harm, abuse, danger.
The weight is how you keep people up off of you.
So as you continue to do this work and as
(21:05):
you continue to corral them little people, I promise you
the way it's gonna come off. Food is our friend. Food,
don't talk back. Food don't ask nothing. Many many people
comfort themselves with food. So right now, I want you
to give yourself permission to comfort yourself, and the deeper
(21:30):
your healing goes, you'll see food differently because as you
comfort yourself, you won't need the comfort that the food brings,
and you're eating habits will change. I want to encourage
you every Sunday, even if it's just for two minutes,
turn over to the Holy Spirit everything that is causing
(21:54):
you to comfort yourself with food, as the Holy Spirit,
to change your appetite so that I can restore myself
to my ideal weight. Ask the Holy Spirit to comfort you,
as the Holy Spirit to be your protector. And I'm
saying these things to you because you go to church,
you know. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you see
(22:17):
yourself differently, because you're not a little girl that needs
mommy and daddy. I'm not. I am not, I really
am not. You're a grown adult woman who has made
the choice to heal. Give yourself credit for that. I
will give myself credit for that. Yeah, thank you so much.
Check in and let me know how you're doing. Thank
(22:39):
you so much, baby, I love you back. I will
thank you so much alrighty bye bye bye bye. I
remember when I first became aware of my thirteen year
old I must have been about thirty three, and it
was a part of me that was just belligerent and
defying and mean. And one day I said, who the
(23:02):
hell are you? And she answered, I'm you. It's all
about you, bou. But that sent me on a journey
to identify and discover the pieces and parts of me
within that hadn't grown up, The pieces and parts of
(23:24):
me within that was still broken and hurting, afraid, ashamed, sad, disappointed.
We all have them. In order for you to heal fully,
you must address the unhealed parts of yourself. My last caller,
she was on the right path. She is making the
(23:46):
choice to heal. But you know, you can't just make
the decision to grow and heal. There are things you
must do. There's a process, and the first step of
that process is acknowledging those broken pieces, because acknowledgement it's
(24:07):
the first step toward healing. And as you acknowledge, oh
wait a minute, there's some pieces and parts in here
that need my attention. You can talk to those pieces,
talk to those parts, talk to those parts of you.
That are calling out for your love, find out what
(24:28):
they need. Listen within, because until you fix the issues
inside of you, changing anything else, especially something external like
a family relationship, it is not going to turn out
well for you. It's not going to work. And you know,
(24:49):
we're so hardcore and technical today that we want everything
quaking fast and we wanted to be easy. But in
this journey of healing and growing, particularly in and with relationships,
there are sometimes when you just need to weep. Weep
(25:11):
at your heartbreak, weep at your heartache, weep at your helplessness.
Sometimes weep at your hopelessness because your pain needs a witness.
That's what I think my next caller might need to
do in order to get started on her healing. Listen
(25:32):
up meetings, will love and welcome to the art spot.
Thank you for calling in today. And what is your
relationship challenge issue dilemma that we can nibble on? Thank
you for having me Well. I've had a very challenging
relationship with my mother for I think I would say
(25:53):
all my life. It stemmed from you know, me feeling
betrayed as a child, something that I've been and I
feel like that was the turning point. In our relationship
throughout the years. I mean, I've always looked and wanted
love from my mother, but I feel like in that
same sense, over the years, I've also learned to build
(26:16):
up a wall protecting myself from being hurt by her.
We lived together, and it's pretty much like a roommate situation,
and I don't like it. I want to change. I
know I'm not perfect, and sometimes my communications with her
lack patients, but I feel like I've learned to just
(26:37):
be so defensive from being hurt by her that I
haven't allowed myself to receive anything. And now she has
some health challenges in terms of with her memory and
as an adult. Now, you know, I can understand that
maybe you know what, maybe she didn't feel love or
receive the love that she wanted as a child, So
(26:58):
I could understand that, but it's all doesn't take away
that feeling of wanting that. So I don't want the
relationship to be like this with my mother. I want
us to have a loving relationship. I want us to
be able to communicate together. And I just find it
hard getting over those past portrayals to get to that point.
(27:18):
Wow wow, wow, No, let me tell you why I'm
saying wow. I'm saying wow because your desire to heal
is so great that the universe has set you up
(27:40):
for the most powerful healing circumstance that you can have,
and that is you have the opportunity to experience your
situation from both sides. You have the opportunity to do
for your mother what you think she didn't do for you.
(28:00):
Oh my goodness, you are powerful. This is a divine
set up. You have been set up, my darling, and
it's all the answer to your prayer. H yeah, So
let me nibble on a few corners of this situation.
(28:24):
Betrayed as a child? How old were you? I think
I was probably maybe ten eleven, Well maybe around that area.
Are you open to discussing what that is? And if
you're not, that's fine. I just feel like she didn't
(28:45):
protect me, protect my innocence as a girl child. I
was placed in a very embarrassing situation where I had
no control because I had to do what my mother said.
And I can remember like after leaving that place, I
was just a different person, Like I was always happy,
(29:06):
smiling as a child. In that moment, I just lost
all of that. You were unprotected, You were embarrassed, and
what else? I hate to see this by remembering that moment,
looking at her and telling her that I hate her,
because that's how it hurt and betrayed. I felt you
were hurt? Okay? Were you angry? Absolutely? Okay? Yes? And
(29:31):
what did you do with the anger, the hurt, the embarrassment.
Do you remember how you navigated that during that time?
I pretty much suppressed it. You suppressed it? And how
does it show up in your life today as it
(29:52):
relates to my mother or just in general? Just in general,
I think I can be closed off and I tend
to the pressing out of my feelings feeling alone and
like having no one to talk to. So I deal
with a lot of things on my own as best
as I can, which is not always with the best
(30:15):
outcome because you don't trust people to have your best
interests at heart. Yeah, So I want you to do
this for me if you can. Okay, I want you
to just close your eyes for a moment and take
a nice breath, and I want you to see that
little girl. I want you to go back into that
(30:38):
place where the embarrassment, the betrayal, the hurt took place. You,
the adult, are going back there, and I want you
to look at that little girl. Can you see the
little girl? I can yet, and this thing has just happened.
Take a breath and just look over at your mom.
(31:00):
And what does she want to say to her? Give
her permission, you the adult, Give her permission to say
whatever she wants to say to her mom. She's got
a hall pass. The first thing comes to mind is why, yeah,
say it again? Why what else? Let her use your mouth?
You're just listening and watching? Do you hate me? Like?
(31:24):
What did I do? Is that you talking, the adult?
Or is that her talking? Because I just hear this
little child just weeping her little heart out? Yeah? What
else does she want to say? I don't know. I
just feel like just why why? Why would you do
that to me? What is the matter with you? Why
(31:45):
would you do Do you hear this? Do you see this?
What is wrong with you? Why would you do this
to me? What else? Don't monitor her? Give her permission
to say what she needs to say? And I think
I over the years for a lot, I just don't
even though she has a voice, like I've just covered
her she does and protected her. No, you've silenced her.
(32:10):
You didn't know how to protect her, and her devastation
is so great too. When it comes up in your body,
you shut down. Does that make sense to you? Yes,
So you shut down, and then you shut her down,
(32:31):
and she doesn't get an opportunity to say because I
can just see her kicking and screaming in the floor, screaming, screaming,
why what are you doing? What is the matter with you? Why? Why? Why?
And then right under her, right under the one that
that had that experience, there's a younger one, an even
(32:54):
younger one. And what I hear her saying is I'm
not your brand anymore? Yeah? Right? What else? How could you? Yeah?
Do you not like me? Do you not love me? No,
you don't like me. You don't love me? Not to
do that to me? Yeah? Yeah. And here's a big one.
(33:21):
If you can own it, own it, and if you can't,
that's okay. I don't trust you and I'll never trust
you again. Yeah. So this little girl has grown up
to become a woman who doesn't trust herself her mother.
(33:42):
This little girl has grown up to be a woman
feeling unloved by her mother. And this little girl has
grown up to be a woman who now has to
provide care for and love too and protection for the
woman who betrayed her, embarrassed her, a woman she doesn't trust,
(34:04):
and a woman she doesn't feel loved her. And now
that that woman doesn't even have the capacity to demonstrate
love because she's losing grip with her reality. Well, my,
my mind, you must really want to heal. Well. The
first step is to give yourself permission to feel what
(34:28):
that ten year old feel and then treat mommy the
way you would have wanted her to treat your little girl.
That's where you're healing is. We'll talk about that right
after this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's
(34:55):
pick up where we left ar. Tell me what you
heard me say. Yes, Um, fighting over myself to be
able to Joe and give love to my mother in
ways that I never received it. Yeah. I am a
loving person, so I know the type of love that
(35:16):
I can't give. I just feel like, Okay, I'm going
to give you this love. But this is the love
that I wanted you to give me. Well, no, this
is the love that the ten year old wanted her
mother to give her, not you, the adult woman living
(35:36):
with your mom. That's not what you want. Otherwise your
mother wouldn't be there. Yeah, your mother is there to
provide you with the opportunity to give to the ten
year old what she didn't receive from her mother. And
the way you're going to do that is by giving
it to your mother and in doing that. See, baby,
(35:59):
this is how you protect somebody that you love. This
is how you care for somebody that you love. This
is how you honor somebody that you love. In order
to train up that ten year old twelve year old
that was embarrassed her by her mother and teach her
that she can trust you, not to take your love away,
(36:23):
not to take your kindness away, not to you got
to teach her things that your mom didn't teach her. Now,
you set this lesson up because you could have put
in a nursing home and you didn't. So you set
this up. Like I said, Wow, you really want to heal,
(36:46):
but you're not healing you as an adult. You're healing
that eleven year old ten year old that's been running
your life and running your relationship with your mother. Tell
me what you hear me saying, I don't care what
it is. I hear that. In order for me to
really find true healing, I need to I need to
(37:09):
speak to that young child that was hurt and be
able to show her that love is possible, yes, and
teach her that sometimes people don't make good choices and
decisions and we get hurt, but that don't mean we
stop loving them. That doesn't mean that they don't deserve
(37:31):
to be loved. And then sometimes when your mother sitting
in a chair, you have to kneel down in front
of her and put your head in her lip. And
I guarantee you if you do it, she's gonna stroke
your face. So you let that little girl know see
(37:51):
she does love you. Let's do that in our mind
right now. I want you to see yourself as you
are today. I want you to see your mother as
you are today. Can you see that in your mind? Yes? Okay,
in your mind. I want you to walk over to
(38:14):
wherever she's sitting. Just kneel down in front of her
and put your head in her lap. Take your time
out there up there. Yeah, now, I'm gonna stroke your back.
Let your mom put her hand on your face. She
(38:35):
hasn't said a word to you, just let her put
her hand on your face. That's my hand. You feel
on your back and tell me what you're thinking, what
you're feeling, what's going on. It feels foreign, but it
feels like this is what I wanted all yes, yes,
(38:59):
I yeah. Yeah. So your work, beloved, is to do
that at least once a day, if you do it
in the bathtub, if you do it while you're making
coffee or tea. Just once a day in your mind,
see yourself going to your mom, putting your head in
her lap until you can do it physically. Not because
(39:25):
you the adult needs it, but because that little girl
needs it. Does that make sense to you? Yes? Yeah,
you're pushing past all of those decisions that that little
girl made and you're showing her that mommy is safe.
You're showing her that mommy is different. You do it
(39:47):
in your mind until you can do it physically. Okay,
I need you the adult to be in charge. Take
a breath. Oh, you need to learn how to breathe.
I'm choking for you. Oh my gosh, all of that
(40:11):
wahala is locked up in your body simply because you
don't breathe a m Yeah. I want you to go
on Google, no, go to YouTube, and I want you
to look up conscious breathing, and there are three minute videos,
(40:33):
ten minute videos, fifteen minute videos. Watch some of those videos,
because the breath is what's going to start moving this
energy through your body that's been locked up, that you've suppressed.
You've got to be able to breathe. You're not breathing.
And I think this because when this thing happened to you,
that little girl was holding her breath and she's never
she hasn't breathed since that. Yeah, but I really want
(41:01):
you to hear me that your desire to heal with
your mom as an adult is really unfolding in a
powerful and divine way. You have an opportunity to demonstrate.
What you're doing now is you are reparenting yourself and
you're gonna grow that little girl up through your relationship
(41:24):
with your mom. And I want you to get a
copy of Forgiveness. I wrote a book many years ago
called Forgiveness and work through it, particularly in a section
about your mom, so that you can forgive your beliefs
about your mom, your thoughts about your mom, forgive your
mind for thinking about your mom the way you have
(41:46):
forgive your thoughts. Yeah, and you rubbed that little girl's
back the way I rubbed yours. Forgive me, but I
sense or feel that that little girl just needs to
go somewhere and just weep for a little while. So
why don't you going to bear from in closer door
and just weep? Can you do that? Do that? Okay,
(42:06):
we'll go do that. Go have a weeping good time. Okay,
all right, thank you so much, Yes, thank you so
much for loving. I will hear from you soon. Good Bye,
bye bye. When was the last time you gave yourself
(42:33):
permission to just weep, to just let your heart break
and weep. I'm talking about the ugliest, not running out
your nose, weeping, making inhumane sounds, weeping. I'm talking about
doubled over in the bathroom weeping not for you, but
(42:59):
for that little person inside that didn't have permission to
do it, for that little person inside that didn't have
the tools she needed or he needed to get yourself
through it. We need to have a weep day, just
a day when we just give ourselves permission to let
(43:21):
the little people inside of us weep. So after you
have your weep fast, go have some ice cream or
chocolate cake or Hershey bar or whatever you need. It's
all a part of healing and the time we're living
in on this planet at this time, baby, we all
need some healing. Okay, So have your weep fest, eat
(43:44):
your chocolate. This is the R Spot. I am the
Yamla and I'll see you next time. I hope this
has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me
(44:05):
on social media for all of the calling times, and
until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R
Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
(44:25):
I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you
listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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