February 14, 2024 • 40 mins
This Valentine’s Day, Iyanla wants to dive into a topic not often discussed by talking to callers who are currently cheating, not being cheated on. And two women call in to share their stories of being the “other woman,” as they both try to find love in some unconventional ways. The first is on the road often and meets up with a married man with no expectations. The second caller is considering getting pregnant with a married man without telling her current partner.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio,
(00:36):
Greetings and Grand Rising. Welcome to the R Spot. I
am Iyamla, your guide, your support, your facilitate, a soft
place to fall and share your experiences and ask your
questions about relationships, all things relationships. And we have a
(00:57):
special sauce that we are breading around today. That's right.
We are talking to the side piece, the other woman.
We're talking to folks who may have another woman. We're
talking to people who are in relationship and know that
their partner has a side piece or another woman. Not
(01:18):
because we want to embarrass or shame or guilt anyone,
but because we want to understand the thinking that goes
into creating a relationship with someone you can't have, creating
a relationship with someone who's not giving you their whole self,
creating a relationship with someone that may be going nowhere,
(01:43):
and creating a relationship with someone who has someone without
considering the impact on you and on the other person. Yeah,
the side piece. Some people know they are, some people
think they are. Some people are okay with being the
one getting the crumbs or are they getting the crumbs?
(02:07):
Sometimes the partner is the side piece to the side piece. Well,
we're going to talk about all of that right here
on the R Spot because we want to understand what
we can do and what we can do better to
make our relationships more loving and fulfilling. I don't want
(02:28):
to waste time, so we're going to dig in. Here's
my first caller today. Greetings, and welcome to the R Spot.
We are serving up a special sauce today, talking about
the other one, the side piece. So are you a
side piece? Do you have a side piece or are
(02:49):
you with someone that has a side piece? What's your story?
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Hello? Yes, so you know, I guess I am the
side piece. I think that's monology.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Okay, I don't like.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
It, but that is what's happening.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Well, you know, the side pieces is just the twenty
first century way of saying the lover, the other woman,
the other man, or whichever it is. Yeah, so talk
to me, what's your story?
Speaker 2 (03:17):
So just a little quick background. I travel for work.
I work for a hospitality management company that puts me
in different cities pretty much every week. And when I
started this job, I was single, and I was hoping, like, oh,
I'm going to meet my soulmate. I know that he
wasn't in the town that I was living that I'm
living in currently, so I'm like, he has to be
(03:38):
somewhere in the United States. So each city I was
always open and holdings. Eventually I landed on the East Coast,
and as soon as this man walked into the room,
I knew just I was just like, he is a
beautiful man with a wonderful smile, wonderful spirit. And I
was just like, oh, and we work in the same industry.
(04:01):
So that's how we met at work. I don't know
how to describe it. I didn't know initially that he
was married. He was not wearing his wedding ring initially.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
How long have you been together.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
It's been two years.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
It's been almost two years, So he wasn't wearing a
ring initially.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
No, No, he wasn't on those first couple of when
I would see him. And then eventually we were working
and he came out to talk to me, and he
crossed his hands and I said, are you married? And
he told me that he was, but he didn't seem
excited about it, if that makes sense. And my job,
(04:37):
it puts me in places sometimes at the time, was
putting me in places three weeks at a time. So
initially I was thinking, like, well, you know, I'm only
going to be here for another week or so, so
you know, I was willing to he you know, of course,
went into this story about how he was unhappy about
this or that or the other. And at the time,
I had never been with anyone side piece. I had
(04:59):
never or even consider it. But this was a new
journey in my life. Right I was traveling. I had
never done anything like this before, and I'm like, you know,
I'm only going to be here another couple of weeks,
so you know, why not, you know, we'll just continue
to go out on the town. And then that ended
up leading into sex, and then it ended up leading
into us continuing to keeping contracts and we have rendezvous
(05:23):
and we lead us. We travel together, we talk every day.
I don't know how I can describe it is probably
my most beautiful relationship in the sense that there's no hiding.
There's no lying.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
I feel that there's no hiding. Wait a minute, Wait
a minute, No, you're not hiding in lying. Is he
hiding in line?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Uh? Yes, and no his I have had a conversation
with his wife. His wife is aware of the situation.
Of course she he of course he. You know, I
want to say he's not a good cheater because probably
a few months in we did, she found messages in
his phone and that's how she was able to reach
(06:08):
out to me. And initially I lie for him, and
of course, and I because I I kind of felt
like it was his place to tell the story, not
necessarily mine. So I initially just said, oh, no, we're
just we just worked together. It's there's nothing. And then,
(06:29):
you know, of course she didn't believe that. And we
continue to see each other, and I continued to show
up in their lives one way or the other, like
she would find well, you know, one he once he
came to visit me and she had found a receipt
with my name on it, and so she called me
and we talked about it, and then you know, so
(06:51):
we've had so Yes, he has still lined he's not
being one hundred print percent transparent, but she she is aware.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Why did you lie? Why did you deny yourself and
your authentic experience when she called you? Why did you
do that?
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Honestly, I think it was because I I didn't want
to hurt her, and I know that sounds crazy. I know,
I know you're going to tell me I'm crazy, but
I didn't. I knew that if I were to tell her, oh, yes,
i've been. Me and your husband have been doing this
together and we talk all the time, and I'm in
(07:31):
love with him and he's in love with me, and
this is what's happening. I just don't know if I
just didn't, I don't know. I didn't want to hurt
her in that way, and I didn't want to be vindictive.
And I knew she was I knew she I've been
in her shoes before. I called someone who was texting
my man before, you know, and I, uh, I don't.
(07:52):
I just didn't. I didn't. I just didn't feel like
it was for me to tell. So him and I
had the conversation.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
When you say, when you say she's aware, does that
mean that she still knows that y'all are still together?
Speaker 2 (08:06):
She is aware that we still talk, she's aware that
we still meet up. I think in her mind, she's
not necessarily seeing it as a relationship. I think she
I don't think he's not really transparent with her, right.
He doesn't tell her, oh, you know the truth, you know.
I think he downplays it as if, oh.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Well, you know, beloved, beloved, he's not telling you the
tooth theater. He's not telling you the tooth theater. I
guarantee you he is not telling you the truth. Because
you know what you do, if you do it anywhere,
you do it everywhere. And what he's doing with her,
(08:48):
he's doing with you. He's not being authentic with you.
He's not being transparent with you, just you know, no heat,
no judgment. But it sounds to me like you're trying
to slip slow around the truth. You don't want to
hurt her. How did you feel when your man had
another woman? Did it hurt you?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Of course it was devastating.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
So why do you think why do you think her
knowing that he has another because she's still there? I mean,
otherwise she wouldn't be calling you. That's her husband, right,
So why why do you think it's not hurting her.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
I don't doubt that she's hurt, Like I just didn't
want at the time. The question was why I didn't
tell her at the time, and I just wasn't ready
to face, you know, to be the one to deliver
that moves. But I'm aware that, you know, even though
I didn't confirm it with her at that time, I'm
aware that, you know, just like any other woman with
(09:48):
intuition and just seeing the messages that they did see,
I'm sure she put two and two together, and I
know that it is probably a painful thing for her.
And you know, one thing he tells me, She's like,
you literally live in my house, right and.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
That a compliment. That's a compliment that you live in
the house where his wife sleeps in the bed with him,
washing his dirty jaws, maybe takes care of its children.
That's a compliment.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Well, so I'm not a compliment, but meaning when I
say that, I mean when I say that, I mean
to say that I know that it's something that bothers
her and I know that she doesn't necessarily like it.
But when her and I've had the conversation, you know,
she she was like, well, you know, he's told me
you know about the situation, and I can let you
(10:40):
know that I'm not going anywhere. These were her words
to me. So she said, I guess we'll just be
sharing him then, And are you okay with that?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
I you know, are you okay?
Speaker 2 (10:54):
I guess I have no choice but to be because
I do. I continue to talk to him, I continue
to deal with him because he brings, because it's because
I want.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
To right and he.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
He what what experience that him and I share is?
I don't know. Well. I mean, I think it's funny.
It's I don't know how how else to describe it
except for beautiful.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Please don't hear me beating you up. I have no
judgment about it. I think it's very I want to
say interesting. But I want to take him out of
the middle of it for a minute. Let's just put
him over in the box, and let's put him in
the cheetah box.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
What he is.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
You're not cheating he is. But I want to bring
this thing to the woman to woman. This woman is
your sister in a universal set, you know, she, just
like you, embodies the feminine energy of life. So with
him over there in his box, I want you to
(12:00):
be real clear that you are doing to another woman,
what another sister, what some sister did to you that
hurts you, that dishonored you, that disrespected you, And now
you're doing that to somebody else. And yes, you may
(12:20):
love him, and yes it may feel good, but I
want you to get real clear about what you're doing
to another one. I also want you to be clear
about who this man is. This is a dishonest man
who lacks integrity. And I want you to be real
clear that if he'll do it to her, answers are
(12:42):
he can do it to you.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
That is true.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
And you know, when you put that on the table,
what does it bring up for you? What does it
feel like? What does it bring to mind for you?
And I'm not in any way saying you have to
end this, but we're gonna look at it.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Why sure, I mean, and I've thought about this. I mean,
believe me. You know, when when I'm saying, when I'm
talking and it sounds proud like I'm proud of this relationship,
it's not that I'm proud of it by any means.
Of course. It's a struggle. You know, every single time
when I when we leave each other, right, it's like
(13:20):
you know, we know we're going back to each other's reality,
and I know I'm going back to mind, and I know,
like you know, at times when I can only talk
for him between this time and this time because he's
going to be home, or you know, he's driving in
between places and this is the only chance I get
to talk to him, I have those moments of feeling like,
you know, this is ridiculous, like this isn't I deserve
(13:42):
more than this than what he's offering. Do you right?
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Do you deserve more? Do you actually believe that you
deserve more?
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I believe enough.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Do you believe that you can have more? Do you
believe that you can have what you have with him
with somebody who's in one hundred percent?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Yes, yes, I do believe that, and I believe that
it cannot.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
So why do you accept less? Why do you accept less?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
I think because it's convenient for me in the moment, right,
my guys, I stayed earlier. I travel for works, right,
So I in my mind, what man is gonna want
his woman to be on the road every week? I travel. Monday,
I travel. I'm on a plane Monday, I'm on a
plane Friday. I have my weekends free. I'm at home
on my weekends and being sing. Well, you know, when
(14:39):
I try to date, like in my city, you know,
it's always an issue. It's always like a concern or
like i'll talk to someone, they're jealous. They're asking me
like what I'm doing or this or that or the other.
So a conventional relationship doesn't work right.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Now, that's what you tell yourself because we're not talking
about because you can have exactly what you have with
him with a single man, but you have to believe
that you can have it with a man who's not
going home to another woman, who's not sharing his bed
with another woman, who's not lying to two women, who's
(15:20):
losing his principles. I mean, what does he value? We'll
talk about that when they come back. Welcome back to
the R spot. Let's pick up where we left are.
If he values the relationship, If he values the relationship,
(15:42):
he would want it to be of integrity, grounded in principle.
So those are just things to consider, not with him
in the picture, but with you in the picture and
the story that you're telling yourself. And for me as
a woman, the the biggest thing is, you know, I
have no heat of judgment on the triangulation of the relationship,
(16:07):
and if he really wants to do it, why doesn't
he just come out and tell the truth and have
two women? That's called polygamy. But what do you tell
yourself about the fact that he hasn't left her?
Speaker 2 (16:19):
It was never an expectation, you see, Like I know,
and that's I think that's probably what makes the relationship
so fluid, and the reason why it's lasts so long
is because I never figured. I never thought that he would.
He never told me he was going to you know,
that was never a thing. It was always you know,
(16:40):
his words to me when I asked him why, you know,
and he was, just like I, he just didn't want
to miss an opportunity to experience me.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
He's greedy. He's greedy. He's greedy.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
That that part, that part exactly. It definitely be that too.
But I think it was only I think he stilled
a void for me, which, as I said I was speaking,
I was hoping to find this, this this love right,
and it didn't come in the pretty package that I
expected it to be.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
He is occupying a place in your heart that makes
it impossible for anybody to get in he's got your heart.
But this is what I want you to think about.
Do you have children.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I do have one son.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Would you recommend he behaved this way?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
No, I wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
And if you had a daughter, If you had a daughter,
would you want her to be the side piece the
other woman in a in a in someone's marriage. Is
this what you would recommend for her?
Speaker 2 (17:54):
That's that's a tough situation, and that's a tough question.
But I mean, of course, my first answer there would
be no, due to society norms, right, due to what
everyone says is what it's supposed to be. But I I.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
But how about how about due to what she's doing
to another woman? There is a universal law cause and effect,
my love, and this thing is coming, It's gonna come
back around. Yeah, it's back around. And the power of
it is when you were in the other side, on
the other side, when the situation was you're the person
(18:33):
you were with had somebody else and it hurt you
and it devastated you, that was an opportunity for you
to create a boundary of value, a template. I would
never want another woman to experience this, and I would
never be the cause of this for another woman, and
I would demonstrate to my daughter never to do this
(18:54):
to another woman because it's coming back around. I'm telling
you it's coming back around. So let me ask you,
what is your what is your vision? Would you want
him just for yourself, knowing that he lies, he lacks integrity,
he will cheat. Would you want him for yourself? That
(19:18):
would be a yeah. See, you're hooking it on the personality.
You're hooking it on what it feels like for you.
He's filling a void for you, which is first of all,
a very poor ground rule for any relationship. If you
are missing parts and pieces, the worst thing to do
(19:39):
is to stick another human being in that void. And
that's what you've done because what you think he's giving
you is what you need to give to yourself. Because
the minute he's gone, you know, whether he disappears or
chooses his wife or slips on the banana peel, the
minute he's gone, you've got the volie and now you
(20:01):
got the guilt. How long are you going to do this?
How long do you think he's going to be around?
And what do you choose?
Speaker 2 (20:10):
So, yeah, that's that's that's a strong question. But you know,
I honestly I think that because I've tried to stop
talking to him. I've tried, you know, in moments of like,
this isn't right, I can't do this. I need to
leave him alone. He's no good for me. You know.
I've had those moments, and I've even you know, wrote
(20:31):
out paragraphs to him, like telling him, like, you know,
it's been great, but I just don't this doesn't serve me,
you know, all of this. You know, I've had those
conversations that somehow, you know, we still end up communicating,
and we still end up getting back on track of
this this experience because it's it's not it's good, Like
it's hard to leave something that's that's that's that feels good, right,
(20:53):
It's really you have to be really strong to be like,
you know, I don't want this anymore. And but to
answer the question, I don't know how much longer, but
I do know that it's not something that I'm going
to continue for the rest of my life, at least
I don't think so. I hope not, you know, not going.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
But see, you've got to stop. You've got to stop
putting it on him, take him out, put him over
in the cheetahbox. And leave him over there because you're
saying I need to leave him alone. This isn't right.
But the real question is is this how I want
to treat myself?
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Rank?
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Is this who I am as a person? Is this
how I want to show up in the world. Is
this what I want to do to another woman? Is
this what I would want another woman to do to me?
See that puts the responsibility in your lap, not on him.
(21:56):
Forget him. Sure it feels good. You know I love
of Alfredo with angel hair. I love it. I love
that Alfredo, and when I buy it, I can never
eat it all. So I put it in the fridge.
When I go the next day to heat it up,
and I see how that cheese has coagulated and how
it's hard and you gotta pull it apart, I say,
(22:19):
this is going on in my belly. You know, I
love it. It tastes good, but I know that at
my age, this is not a good thing for me.
So I'm not gonna say I don't eat alfredo. But
as opposed to eating it every day, I try to
do it maybe once a fiscal quarter. And if there's
(22:39):
another choice, I get the other choice. I don't do it.
Every day. So take him out of it, belove it,
put you squarely in it. Is this how I want
to treat myself? Would you let somebody else do this
to you?
Speaker 2 (22:56):
That's true, you're right, period. And I don't think that
he is the one, right, I just I just enjoy
him for what he is.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Greedy, greedy. You're greedy, greedy.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
It's just so greedy that you know exactly, and it's
you know, it's this is very this is very enlightening
to me. Actually, I I never even really thought about
it from the perspective that you've given me as far
as like what it's doing for me or to me, right,
(23:30):
Like I thought about her, I thought about him, I
thought about their family, I thought about you know, all
of that. But I've never really thought about me. So
that's so.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Strange, isn't that strange? So you put that special sauce
on your plate and scoop it up with some bread,
and let's see what you come up with.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
Thank you so much, Good.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Luck to you, Okay, my love, bye bye. If you
think about a television, right, if you're looking at law
and order, if you're looking at law and order on
we you don't really know what's going on on Fox
or CNN or MSNBC or CBS. You don't know, So
(24:13):
you can compartmentalize. You just focus in on law and order.
But human beings aren't like that. Whatever's going on on
your WEI is going on on your TBS, it's going
on on your CNN, It's going on on your ESPN.
As a human being, what's going on on one channel
is going on on all channels. So if you're denying
(24:35):
yourself in this area, there are other places you are
denying yourself Because if you've got a void, beloved, he
has avoid and if you're using something to fill it,
he's using something to fill it. Because you are not
a television set, you are a human being. Lots going
on here today at the Rspot as we serve up
(24:56):
this special sauce with the other woman. Wow, wow, Wow,
I've talked to a lot of other women today. I'm
going to talk to some more right after this break.
Welcome back to the R Spot. Let's get back to
the conversation. We are serving up a special sauce today.
(25:21):
The side piece the other woman. Now, are you the
other woman? Are you with somebody that has the other woman?
Speaker 3 (25:27):
I don't even know what to define it. I guess
I'm not the other woman. But I have been a
friend of someone who is married. We've had such a
encounters for years now. But I've been in a relationship
(25:47):
for the past eight years.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
And.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
We scaled it back and everything. He got married, had
two kids, and now that I've endured this relationship, we're
thinking about having a child together.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
Wait a minute, hold on, are you lost me? Yeah?
Help me let me draw an Let me get a
pencil and a piece of paper. I want to I
want to make a little map. Okay, there's you, right,
and there's him.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
I'm not.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
All right you and him? Are you married?
Speaker 2 (26:26):
No?
Speaker 1 (26:28):
Okay, not married? I'm making the map. Is he married?
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Yes, he is married. Okay. Do you have children?
Speaker 3 (26:40):
I do, but not with neither of them?
Speaker 1 (26:42):
Okay, neither. Who's the neither? There's somebody else in this picture?
Speaker 3 (26:47):
Yes, I just oh your relationship.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
Other man? Okay, the other man. But you just ended that, yes,
I think so.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
Oh lord, it's very complicated.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
Oh yeah, that's why I needed a map. I'm writing
it all day out. I can be clear. So let
me let me. I have to get another piece of paper.
Hold on, a minute, you and I'm going to call
him mister maybe, mister maybe, and then mister married married, okay,
(27:29):
mister married, all right, so okay.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
And mister Mary is one of the best for one now.
He he gives me everything that I want in me
in a relationship. But he's married, and he's like, he's
my best friend. And I asked him because I do
(27:55):
want more children, and I asked him if he will
be willing to help me with that, and he said.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Yes, Oh my lord, Wait a minute, hold on, mister married,
mister married one a child okay, confused, conflicted, and I'm
just a little crazy, but you say the little crazy
or did that come out of my mouth?
Speaker 3 (28:20):
No, I'm not crazy.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
I think you're.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Making yourself crazy.
Speaker 4 (28:25):
Am I am? I'm very right now, wow, because of
the ended the thing we got into an argument and
the things that were said just way too far gone.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
And you and you and mister maybe or mister.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Married, yeah, mister maybe.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Mister maybe. How long were you with mister.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Maybe eight years?
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Eight years? And how long you been with mister married.
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Around the same time we all met, around the same time, So.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
You were cheating with mister married when you were with
mister Maybe.
Speaker 3 (29:06):
No, he we once I got into my we were
all friends, and once I got into a relationship with Maybe,
we no longer had any type of sexual relationship with
the married man. He didn't get married till maybe like
a year or two ago, okay, And so I didn't
(29:28):
have no type of sexual relationship with him. We just
have always been friends and always remained you know, the
best of friends, and he just he's just there for
me in the capacity that mister Maybe has never been.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
So can I ask you a question, if mister Maybe
may not be gone, why do you want to have
a child with mister married. Why can't you have the
child with mister Maybe.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
Because mister Maybe keeps dragging his feat No, I am not
had I mean like it's the time, Like I don't
have that much time left. He says he wants to,
but he still hasn't made you know, made it happen.
And he just keeps saying, oh, God impregnated me. So
(30:22):
he keeps saying that's God's timing.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
But I'm like, I don't.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
Want to be fifty having a kid. Will be forty
one six months, and he's dragging his feet. And now
he's talking about he wants to in this relationship. So
if he wants to completely end it, then I would
like to have my bundle of joy blessing with mister Mary.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Let's just nibble on it for a little while. Okay,
what do you think will happen to mister Maybe when
he finds out you've been impregnated by mister married his friend.
What do you think is going to happen?
Speaker 3 (31:03):
Then people be completely serious. But he needs I don't know,
I've never given him an alternatum.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
But the last thing that you need right now in
this level of confusion and conflict and hurt, because if
you get pregnant today or tomorrow, next Tuesday, that baby
is going to marinate in confusion, conflict, and hurt.
Speaker 2 (31:34):
That is very true.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
I want to go back to the original question because
the confusion and the conflict and the hurt that you
are experiencing has nothing to do with either one of them, really,
it doesn't. It's about you and what you're telling yourself
and what you're creating within yourself. So my concern not
(31:58):
only having a baby with a married man. Are you
looking for a sperm donor or do you because do
you expect mister married to be a part of this
child's life. Are you all trying to be a happy
family or is it that you just want a baby
because you can get a sperm donor right?
Speaker 3 (32:15):
No, the terms where he did not have to be
a part of the child's life at all, and he
said even one two. But I was like, it's not
it's not a it's not a factor. Like I said,
I do just want the child.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Well, why why are you making a choice for a
child to grow up without a father?
Speaker 3 (32:43):
I haven't thought about that.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
What if? What if the universe of life? What if
God's source creator is saying, I'm not sending you a
child into this mess?
Speaker 2 (32:55):
What if I believe that I truly believe.
Speaker 3 (33:00):
I haven't got impregnant.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
So why are you insisting? I don't know, we done
gone on off to the child I don't even know
about Maybe and miss and married we are another realm
right now? So what are you gonna do with mister Maybe?
What you're gonna do with mister Maybe?
Speaker 3 (33:25):
I'm not sure that he hurts you by the things
said to me, And that's.
Speaker 1 (33:33):
Just such as now, such as the low because that
may be the key to why you haven't had the child.
Let's let's let's pick that apart. Let's stir that up
in the soup.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
I mean we've had arguments, we've said things. You know,
most of the time, it's always he calls me a victim,
a lie. He said that I'm always being a victim.
He says hurtful things, and then he'll come back and
he said, no, I love you. And this time he
(34:09):
actually told me, he said I can't. He told me
he cann't have to me because he's not attracted to me.
And it hurt me to my core.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Why did that hurt you to your core?
Speaker 3 (34:27):
It kind of is like, well that why, you know,
we haven't been intimate, and I don't know. He says
that he sees other women and gets aroused by them,
but by me. He he hasn't. But I don't know.
(34:47):
I think he just said that to got it hurt
me as bad as he could.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Well, let's can we pick it. Can we nibble on
that for a little bit? Why is that hurtful? Why
is that hurtful? As opposed to valuable information? You've been
with a man for eight years? Do y'all live together?
Did you live together.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
No, No, we're in a long distance relationship.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Okay, So you've been with a man for eight years
and he's not intimate with you, and he's telling you
why he's not intimate with you, even if he loves you.
I mean, that happens, That does happen?
Speaker 3 (35:28):
He said, he does.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Look Okay, he loves you, but he's not giving you
everything that you want in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
No, he's not.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
He's not attracted to you. That's valuable information. Why are
you hurt by that?
Speaker 3 (35:41):
I think he's bipolar, Like he says, one thing, you're making.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
This about him. You're making this about him. I want
you to keep it on you. You are with a
man who's not attracted to you, and he's a long
distance man. It's called so long sammy, so long period.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
Yeah, I guess I'm ending this like I've told him
it's over, but it's always he pulls me back in
and then we're starting.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Over, pulls you back in. How it's a long distance
relationship and y'all are not intimate. What is he pulling
you back into? Does he send you money? Is he
paying your rent? What is he pulling you into?
Speaker 2 (36:27):
Exactly?
Speaker 3 (36:28):
I don't even know. I think I've just wasted the
last eight years of my life.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Well, all right, we long distance anyway, How often do
you see him?
Speaker 3 (36:38):
We try to see each other like once a month,
for like a week or two at a time.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Okay, So you really don't know what he's doing over
in the distance he's in because if he's not attracted
to you, he may be attracted to somebody else. But
that's a whole nother story. Yes, beloved it I yeah,
your mister married is a cheater period. I don't care
(37:05):
if you got an open marriage. Is that what you
want for yourself? Is that what you want? He can
be your friend, y'all can talk. You know, if you
want to be friends with benefits, that's your choice. But
bringing a child into that, I would really encourage you
(37:26):
and invite you. And I'd also really encourage you and
invite you to consider that you haven't gotten pregnant in
all of this time, and this may not be the
best time. And really, if you were a little sperm
and an egg floating around in somebody's body, would you
want your mother to say I want you and you
(37:46):
don't have to have a father. Is that what you
would want somebody to say for you, no, tell me
something you're going to think about now as a result
of this conversation, because I mean, you're going to do
whatever you want want to do, but tell me something
you're gonna think about, and maybe consider going.
Speaker 3 (38:05):
Forward considering myself and try to focus on myself. I
think that's what I really need right now.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
I would encourage you to really investigate the confusion and
the conflict and instead of thinking that you spent eight years,
you wasted eight years with mister maybe, I would encourage
you to get clear about what you want and maybe
have a relationship with somebody that lives within driving distance
as opposed to long distance.
Speaker 3 (38:38):
I'm gonna stay away from him, well.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
I hope so. And I hope as you stay away
from him that you consider just being friends with mister married.
Speaker 2 (38:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (38:50):
I think I am.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
All right, my darling. Thank you for calling. I wish
you the best. I wish you the best.
Speaker 3 (38:56):
You appreciate your time.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
Okay, Bye, bye life. What a tangle web we weed
when we are confused, and the web gets even more
tangled when we are in conflict, and the conflict is
warning something we can't have or settling for something that's
(39:20):
less than we want. In relationships, whether it's a cheating relationship,
or you're cheating, you're being cheated on, you're the object
being cheated with. In any kind of relationship, those three
things are going on. We are settling for less than
we want. We don't believe we can have what we want,
(39:41):
and we're accepting what shows up because either we think
we don't deserve it or we're not worthy. It's a
tango tangled web. I hope that you know something now
that you didn't know. When you're tuned in, and until
we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces. The
(40:06):
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio,
(00:36):
Greetings and Grand Rising. Welcome to the R Spot. I
am Iyamla, your guide, your support, your facilitate, a soft
place to fall and share your experiences and ask your
questions about relationships, all things relationships. And we have a
(00:57):
special sauce that we are breading around today. That's right.
We are talking to the side piece, the other woman.
We're talking to folks who may have another woman. We're
talking to people who are in relationship and know that
their partner has a side piece or another woman. Not
(01:18):
because we want to embarrass or shame or guilt anyone,
but because we want to understand the thinking that goes
into creating a relationship with someone you can't have, creating
a relationship with someone who's not giving you their whole self,
creating a relationship with someone that may be going nowhere,
(01:43):
and creating a relationship with someone who has someone without
considering the impact on you and on the other person. Yeah,
the side piece. Some people know they are, some people
think they are. Some people are okay with being the
one getting the crumbs or are they getting the crumbs?
(02:07):
Sometimes the partner is the side piece to the side piece. Well,
we're going to talk about all of that right here
on the R Spot because we want to understand what
we can do and what we can do better to
make our relationships more loving and fulfilling. I don't want
(02:28):
to waste time, so we're going to dig in. Here's
my first caller today. Greetings, and welcome to the R Spot.
We are serving up a special sauce today, talking about
the other one, the side piece. So are you a
side piece? Do you have a side piece or are
(02:49):
you with someone that has a side piece? What's your story?
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Hello? Yes, so you know, I guess I am the
side piece. I think that's monology.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Okay, I don't like.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
It, but that is what's happening.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Well, you know, the side pieces is just the twenty
first century way of saying the lover, the other woman,
the other man, or whichever it is. Yeah, so talk
to me, what's your story?
Speaker 2 (03:17):
So just a little quick background. I travel for work.
I work for a hospitality management company that puts me
in different cities pretty much every week. And when I
started this job, I was single, and I was hoping, like, oh,
I'm going to meet my soulmate. I know that he
wasn't in the town that I was living that I'm
living in currently, so I'm like, he has to be
(03:38):
somewhere in the United States. So each city I was
always open and holdings. Eventually I landed on the East Coast,
and as soon as this man walked into the room,
I knew just I was just like, he is a
beautiful man with a wonderful smile, wonderful spirit. And I
was just like, oh, and we work in the same industry.
(04:01):
So that's how we met at work. I don't know
how to describe it. I didn't know initially that he
was married. He was not wearing his wedding ring initially.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
How long have you been together.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
It's been two years.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
It's been almost two years, So he wasn't wearing a
ring initially.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
No, No, he wasn't on those first couple of when
I would see him. And then eventually we were working
and he came out to talk to me, and he
crossed his hands and I said, are you married? And
he told me that he was, but he didn't seem
excited about it, if that makes sense. And my job,
(04:37):
it puts me in places sometimes at the time, was
putting me in places three weeks at a time. So
initially I was thinking, like, well, you know, I'm only
going to be here for another week or so, so
you know, I was willing to he you know, of course,
went into this story about how he was unhappy about
this or that or the other. And at the time,
I had never been with anyone side piece. I had
(04:59):
never or even consider it. But this was a new
journey in my life. Right I was traveling. I had
never done anything like this before, and I'm like, you know,
I'm only going to be here another couple of weeks,
so you know, why not, you know, we'll just continue
to go out on the town. And then that ended
up leading into sex, and then it ended up leading
into us continuing to keeping contracts and we have rendezvous
(05:23):
and we lead us. We travel together, we talk every day.
I don't know how I can describe it is probably
my most beautiful relationship in the sense that there's no hiding.
There's no lying.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
I feel that there's no hiding. Wait a minute, Wait
a minute, No, you're not hiding in lying. Is he
hiding in line?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Uh? Yes, and no his I have had a conversation
with his wife. His wife is aware of the situation.
Of course she he of course he. You know, I
want to say he's not a good cheater because probably
a few months in we did, she found messages in
his phone and that's how she was able to reach
(06:08):
out to me. And initially I lie for him, and
of course, and I because I I kind of felt
like it was his place to tell the story, not
necessarily mine. So I initially just said, oh, no, we're
just we just worked together. It's there's nothing. And then,
(06:29):
you know, of course she didn't believe that. And we
continue to see each other, and I continued to show
up in their lives one way or the other, like
she would find well, you know, one he once he
came to visit me and she had found a receipt
with my name on it, and so she called me
and we talked about it, and then you know, so
(06:51):
we've had so Yes, he has still lined he's not
being one hundred print percent transparent, but she she is aware.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Why did you lie? Why did you deny yourself and
your authentic experience when she called you? Why did you
do that?
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Honestly, I think it was because I I didn't want
to hurt her, and I know that sounds crazy. I know,
I know you're going to tell me I'm crazy, but
I didn't. I knew that if I were to tell her, oh, yes,
i've been. Me and your husband have been doing this
together and we talk all the time, and I'm in
(07:31):
love with him and he's in love with me, and
this is what's happening. I just don't know if I
just didn't, I don't know. I didn't want to hurt
her in that way, and I didn't want to be vindictive.
And I knew she was I knew she I've been
in her shoes before. I called someone who was texting
my man before, you know, and I, uh, I don't.
(07:52):
I just didn't. I didn't. I just didn't feel like
it was for me to tell. So him and I
had the conversation.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
When you say, when you say she's aware, does that
mean that she still knows that y'all are still together?
Speaker 2 (08:06):
She is aware that we still talk, she's aware that
we still meet up. I think in her mind, she's
not necessarily seeing it as a relationship. I think she
I don't think he's not really transparent with her, right.
He doesn't tell her, oh, you know the truth, you know.
I think he downplays it as if, oh.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Well, you know, beloved, beloved, he's not telling you the
tooth theater. He's not telling you the tooth theater. I
guarantee you he is not telling you the truth. Because
you know what you do, if you do it anywhere,
you do it everywhere. And what he's doing with her,
(08:48):
he's doing with you. He's not being authentic with you.
He's not being transparent with you, just you know, no heat,
no judgment. But it sounds to me like you're trying
to slip slow around the truth. You don't want to
hurt her. How did you feel when your man had
another woman? Did it hurt you?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Of course it was devastating.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
So why do you think why do you think her
knowing that he has another because she's still there? I mean,
otherwise she wouldn't be calling you. That's her husband, right,
So why why do you think it's not hurting her.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
I don't doubt that she's hurt, Like I just didn't
want at the time. The question was why I didn't
tell her at the time, and I just wasn't ready
to face, you know, to be the one to deliver
that moves. But I'm aware that, you know, even though
I didn't confirm it with her at that time, I'm
aware that, you know, just like any other woman with
(09:48):
intuition and just seeing the messages that they did see,
I'm sure she put two and two together, and I
know that it is probably a painful thing for her.
And you know, one thing he tells me, She's like,
you literally live in my house, right and.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
That a compliment. That's a compliment that you live in
the house where his wife sleeps in the bed with him,
washing his dirty jaws, maybe takes care of its children.
That's a compliment.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Well, so I'm not a compliment, but meaning when I
say that, I mean when I say that, I mean
to say that I know that it's something that bothers
her and I know that she doesn't necessarily like it.
But when her and I've had the conversation, you know,
she she was like, well, you know, he's told me
you know about the situation, and I can let you
(10:40):
know that I'm not going anywhere. These were her words
to me. So she said, I guess we'll just be
sharing him then, And are you okay with that?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
I you know, are you okay?
Speaker 2 (10:54):
I guess I have no choice but to be because
I do. I continue to talk to him, I continue
to deal with him because he brings, because it's because
I want.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
To right and he.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
He what what experience that him and I share is?
I don't know. Well. I mean, I think it's funny.
It's I don't know how how else to describe it
except for beautiful.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Please don't hear me beating you up. I have no
judgment about it. I think it's very I want to
say interesting. But I want to take him out of
the middle of it for a minute. Let's just put
him over in the box, and let's put him in
the cheetah box.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
What he is.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
You're not cheating he is. But I want to bring
this thing to the woman to woman. This woman is
your sister in a universal set, you know, she, just
like you, embodies the feminine energy of life. So with
him over there in his box, I want you to
(12:00):
be real clear that you are doing to another woman,
what another sister, what some sister did to you that
hurts you, that dishonored you, that disrespected you, And now
you're doing that to somebody else. And yes, you may
(12:20):
love him, and yes it may feel good, but I
want you to get real clear about what you're doing
to another one. I also want you to be clear
about who this man is. This is a dishonest man
who lacks integrity. And I want you to be real
clear that if he'll do it to her, answers are
(12:42):
he can do it to you.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
That is true.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
And you know, when you put that on the table,
what does it bring up for you? What does it
feel like? What does it bring to mind for you?
And I'm not in any way saying you have to
end this, but we're gonna look at it.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Why sure, I mean, and I've thought about this. I mean,
believe me. You know, when when I'm saying, when I'm
talking and it sounds proud like I'm proud of this relationship,
it's not that I'm proud of it by any means.
Of course. It's a struggle. You know, every single time
when I when we leave each other, right, it's like
(13:20):
you know, we know we're going back to each other's reality,
and I know I'm going back to mind, and I know,
like you know, at times when I can only talk
for him between this time and this time because he's
going to be home, or you know, he's driving in
between places and this is the only chance I get
to talk to him, I have those moments of feeling like,
you know, this is ridiculous, like this isn't I deserve
(13:42):
more than this than what he's offering. Do you right?
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Do you deserve more? Do you actually believe that you
deserve more?
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I believe enough.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Do you believe that you can have more? Do you
believe that you can have what you have with him
with somebody who's in one hundred percent?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Yes, yes, I do believe that, and I believe that
it cannot.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
So why do you accept less? Why do you accept less?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
I think because it's convenient for me in the moment, right,
my guys, I stayed earlier. I travel for works, right,
So I in my mind, what man is gonna want
his woman to be on the road every week? I travel. Monday,
I travel. I'm on a plane Monday, I'm on a
plane Friday. I have my weekends free. I'm at home
on my weekends and being sing. Well, you know, when
(14:39):
I try to date, like in my city, you know,
it's always an issue. It's always like a concern or
like i'll talk to someone, they're jealous. They're asking me
like what I'm doing or this or that or the other.
So a conventional relationship doesn't work right.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Now, that's what you tell yourself because we're not talking
about because you can have exactly what you have with
him with a single man, but you have to believe
that you can have it with a man who's not
going home to another woman, who's not sharing his bed
with another woman, who's not lying to two women, who's
(15:20):
losing his principles. I mean, what does he value? We'll
talk about that when they come back. Welcome back to
the R spot. Let's pick up where we left are.
If he values the relationship, If he values the relationship,
(15:42):
he would want it to be of integrity, grounded in principle.
So those are just things to consider, not with him
in the picture, but with you in the picture and
the story that you're telling yourself. And for me as
a woman, the the biggest thing is, you know, I
have no heat of judgment on the triangulation of the relationship,
(16:07):
and if he really wants to do it, why doesn't
he just come out and tell the truth and have
two women? That's called polygamy. But what do you tell
yourself about the fact that he hasn't left her?
Speaker 2 (16:19):
It was never an expectation, you see, Like I know,
and that's I think that's probably what makes the relationship
so fluid, and the reason why it's lasts so long
is because I never figured. I never thought that he would.
He never told me he was going to you know,
that was never a thing. It was always you know,
(16:40):
his words to me when I asked him why, you know,
and he was, just like I, he just didn't want
to miss an opportunity to experience me.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
He's greedy. He's greedy. He's greedy.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
That that part, that part exactly. It definitely be that too.
But I think it was only I think he stilled
a void for me, which, as I said I was speaking,
I was hoping to find this, this this love right,
and it didn't come in the pretty package that I
expected it to be.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
He is occupying a place in your heart that makes
it impossible for anybody to get in he's got your heart.
But this is what I want you to think about.
Do you have children.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I do have one son.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Would you recommend he behaved this way?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
No, I wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
And if you had a daughter, If you had a daughter,
would you want her to be the side piece the
other woman in a in a in someone's marriage. Is
this what you would recommend for her?
Speaker 2 (17:54):
That's that's a tough situation, and that's a tough question.
But I mean, of course, my first answer there would
be no, due to society norms, right, due to what
everyone says is what it's supposed to be. But I I.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
But how about how about due to what she's doing
to another woman? There is a universal law cause and effect,
my love, and this thing is coming, It's gonna come
back around. Yeah, it's back around. And the power of
it is when you were in the other side, on
the other side, when the situation was you're the person
(18:33):
you were with had somebody else and it hurt you
and it devastated you, that was an opportunity for you
to create a boundary of value, a template. I would
never want another woman to experience this, and I would
never be the cause of this for another woman, and
I would demonstrate to my daughter never to do this
(18:54):
to another woman because it's coming back around. I'm telling
you it's coming back around. So let me ask you,
what is your what is your vision? Would you want
him just for yourself, knowing that he lies, he lacks integrity,
he will cheat. Would you want him for yourself? That
(19:18):
would be a yeah. See, you're hooking it on the personality.
You're hooking it on what it feels like for you.
He's filling a void for you, which is first of all,
a very poor ground rule for any relationship. If you
are missing parts and pieces, the worst thing to do
(19:39):
is to stick another human being in that void. And
that's what you've done because what you think he's giving
you is what you need to give to yourself. Because
the minute he's gone, you know, whether he disappears or
chooses his wife or slips on the banana peel, the
minute he's gone, you've got the volie and now you
(20:01):
got the guilt. How long are you going to do this?
How long do you think he's going to be around?
And what do you choose?
Speaker 2 (20:10):
So, yeah, that's that's that's a strong question. But you know,
I honestly I think that because I've tried to stop
talking to him. I've tried, you know, in moments of like,
this isn't right, I can't do this. I need to
leave him alone. He's no good for me. You know.
I've had those moments, and I've even you know, wrote
(20:31):
out paragraphs to him, like telling him, like, you know,
it's been great, but I just don't this doesn't serve me,
you know, all of this. You know, I've had those
conversations that somehow, you know, we still end up communicating,
and we still end up getting back on track of
this this experience because it's it's not it's good, Like
it's hard to leave something that's that's that's that feels good, right,
(20:53):
It's really you have to be really strong to be like,
you know, I don't want this anymore. And but to
answer the question, I don't know how much longer, but
I do know that it's not something that I'm going
to continue for the rest of my life, at least
I don't think so. I hope not, you know, not going.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
But see, you've got to stop. You've got to stop
putting it on him, take him out, put him over
in the cheetahbox. And leave him over there because you're
saying I need to leave him alone. This isn't right.
But the real question is is this how I want
to treat myself?
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Rank?
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Is this who I am as a person? Is this
how I want to show up in the world. Is
this what I want to do to another woman? Is
this what I would want another woman to do to me?
See that puts the responsibility in your lap, not on him.
(21:56):
Forget him. Sure it feels good. You know I love
of Alfredo with angel hair. I love it. I love
that Alfredo, and when I buy it, I can never
eat it all. So I put it in the fridge.
When I go the next day to heat it up,
and I see how that cheese has coagulated and how
it's hard and you gotta pull it apart, I say,
(22:19):
this is going on in my belly. You know, I
love it. It tastes good, but I know that at
my age, this is not a good thing for me.
So I'm not gonna say I don't eat alfredo. But
as opposed to eating it every day, I try to
do it maybe once a fiscal quarter. And if there's
(22:39):
another choice, I get the other choice. I don't do it.
Every day. So take him out of it, belove it,
put you squarely in it. Is this how I want
to treat myself? Would you let somebody else do this
to you?
Speaker 2 (22:56):
That's true, you're right, period. And I don't think that
he is the one, right, I just I just enjoy
him for what he is.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Greedy, greedy. You're greedy, greedy.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
It's just so greedy that you know exactly, and it's
you know, it's this is very this is very enlightening
to me. Actually, I I never even really thought about
it from the perspective that you've given me as far
as like what it's doing for me or to me, right,
(23:30):
Like I thought about her, I thought about him, I
thought about their family, I thought about you know, all
of that. But I've never really thought about me. So
that's so.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Strange, isn't that strange? So you put that special sauce
on your plate and scoop it up with some bread,
and let's see what you come up with.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
Thank you so much, Good.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Luck to you, Okay, my love, bye bye. If you
think about a television, right, if you're looking at law
and order, if you're looking at law and order on
we you don't really know what's going on on Fox
or CNN or MSNBC or CBS. You don't know, So
(24:13):
you can compartmentalize. You just focus in on law and order.
But human beings aren't like that. Whatever's going on on
your WEI is going on on your TBS, it's going
on on your CNN, It's going on on your ESPN.
As a human being, what's going on on one channel
is going on on all channels. So if you're denying
(24:35):
yourself in this area, there are other places you are
denying yourself Because if you've got a void, beloved, he
has avoid and if you're using something to fill it,
he's using something to fill it. Because you are not
a television set, you are a human being. Lots going
on here today at the Rspot as we serve up
(24:56):
this special sauce with the other woman. Wow, wow, Wow,
I've talked to a lot of other women today. I'm
going to talk to some more right after this break.
Welcome back to the R Spot. Let's get back to
the conversation. We are serving up a special sauce today.
(25:21):
The side piece the other woman. Now, are you the
other woman? Are you with somebody that has the other woman?
Speaker 3 (25:27):
I don't even know what to define it. I guess
I'm not the other woman. But I have been a
friend of someone who is married. We've had such a
encounters for years now. But I've been in a relationship
(25:47):
for the past eight years.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
And.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
We scaled it back and everything. He got married, had
two kids, and now that I've endured this relationship, we're
thinking about having a child together.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
Wait a minute, hold on, are you lost me? Yeah?
Help me let me draw an Let me get a
pencil and a piece of paper. I want to I
want to make a little map. Okay, there's you, right,
and there's him.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
I'm not.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
All right you and him? Are you married?
Speaker 2 (26:26):
No?
Speaker 1 (26:28):
Okay, not married? I'm making the map. Is he married?
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Yes, he is married. Okay. Do you have children?
Speaker 3 (26:40):
I do, but not with neither of them?
Speaker 1 (26:42):
Okay, neither. Who's the neither? There's somebody else in this picture?
Speaker 3 (26:47):
Yes, I just oh your relationship.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
Other man? Okay, the other man. But you just ended that, yes,
I think so.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
Oh lord, it's very complicated.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
Oh yeah, that's why I needed a map. I'm writing
it all day out. I can be clear. So let
me let me. I have to get another piece of paper.
Hold on, a minute, you and I'm going to call
him mister maybe, mister maybe, and then mister married married, okay,
(27:29):
mister married, all right, so okay.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
And mister Mary is one of the best for one now.
He he gives me everything that I want in me
in a relationship. But he's married, and he's like, he's
my best friend. And I asked him because I do
(27:55):
want more children, and I asked him if he will
be willing to help me with that, and he said.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Yes, Oh my lord, Wait a minute, hold on, mister married,
mister married one a child okay, confused, conflicted, and I'm
just a little crazy, but you say the little crazy
or did that come out of my mouth?
Speaker 3 (28:20):
No, I'm not crazy.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
I think you're.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Making yourself crazy.
Speaker 4 (28:25):
Am I am? I'm very right now, wow, because of
the ended the thing we got into an argument and
the things that were said just way too far gone.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
And you and you and mister maybe or mister.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Married, yeah, mister maybe.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Mister maybe. How long were you with mister.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Maybe eight years?
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Eight years? And how long you been with mister married.
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Around the same time we all met, around the same time, So.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
You were cheating with mister married when you were with
mister Maybe.
Speaker 3 (29:06):
No, he we once I got into my we were
all friends, and once I got into a relationship with Maybe,
we no longer had any type of sexual relationship with
the married man. He didn't get married till maybe like
a year or two ago, okay, And so I didn't
(29:28):
have no type of sexual relationship with him. We just
have always been friends and always remained you know, the
best of friends, and he just he's just there for
me in the capacity that mister Maybe has never been.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
So can I ask you a question, if mister Maybe
may not be gone, why do you want to have
a child with mister married. Why can't you have the
child with mister Maybe.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
Because mister Maybe keeps dragging his feat No, I am not
had I mean like it's the time, Like I don't
have that much time left. He says he wants to,
but he still hasn't made you know, made it happen.
And he just keeps saying, oh, God impregnated me. So
(30:22):
he keeps saying that's God's timing.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
But I'm like, I don't.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
Want to be fifty having a kid. Will be forty
one six months, and he's dragging his feet. And now
he's talking about he wants to in this relationship. So
if he wants to completely end it, then I would
like to have my bundle of joy blessing with mister Mary.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Let's just nibble on it for a little while. Okay,
what do you think will happen to mister Maybe when
he finds out you've been impregnated by mister married his friend.
What do you think is going to happen?
Speaker 3 (31:03):
Then people be completely serious. But he needs I don't know,
I've never given him an alternatum.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
But the last thing that you need right now in
this level of confusion and conflict and hurt, because if
you get pregnant today or tomorrow, next Tuesday, that baby
is going to marinate in confusion, conflict, and hurt.
Speaker 2 (31:34):
That is very true.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
I want to go back to the original question because
the confusion and the conflict and the hurt that you
are experiencing has nothing to do with either one of them, really,
it doesn't. It's about you and what you're telling yourself
and what you're creating within yourself. So my concern not
(31:58):
only having a baby with a married man. Are you
looking for a sperm donor or do you because do
you expect mister married to be a part of this
child's life. Are you all trying to be a happy
family or is it that you just want a baby
because you can get a sperm donor right?
Speaker 3 (32:15):
No, the terms where he did not have to be
a part of the child's life at all, and he
said even one two. But I was like, it's not
it's not a it's not a factor. Like I said,
I do just want the child.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Well, why why are you making a choice for a
child to grow up without a father?
Speaker 3 (32:43):
I haven't thought about that.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
What if? What if the universe of life? What if
God's source creator is saying, I'm not sending you a
child into this mess?
Speaker 2 (32:55):
What if I believe that I truly believe.
Speaker 3 (33:00):
I haven't got impregnant.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
So why are you insisting? I don't know, we done
gone on off to the child I don't even know
about Maybe and miss and married we are another realm
right now? So what are you gonna do with mister Maybe?
What you're gonna do with mister Maybe?
Speaker 3 (33:25):
I'm not sure that he hurts you by the things
said to me, And that's.
Speaker 1 (33:33):
Just such as now, such as the low because that
may be the key to why you haven't had the child.
Let's let's let's pick that apart. Let's stir that up
in the soup.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
I mean we've had arguments, we've said things. You know,
most of the time, it's always he calls me a victim,
a lie. He said that I'm always being a victim.
He says hurtful things, and then he'll come back and
he said, no, I love you. And this time he
(34:09):
actually told me, he said I can't. He told me
he cann't have to me because he's not attracted to me.
And it hurt me to my core.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Why did that hurt you to your core?
Speaker 3 (34:27):
It kind of is like, well that why, you know,
we haven't been intimate, and I don't know. He says
that he sees other women and gets aroused by them,
but by me. He he hasn't. But I don't know.
(34:47):
I think he just said that to got it hurt
me as bad as he could.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Well, let's can we pick it. Can we nibble on
that for a little bit? Why is that hurtful? Why
is that hurtful? As opposed to valuable information? You've been
with a man for eight years? Do y'all live together?
Did you live together.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
No, No, we're in a long distance relationship.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Okay, So you've been with a man for eight years
and he's not intimate with you, and he's telling you
why he's not intimate with you, even if he loves you.
I mean, that happens, That does happen?
Speaker 3 (35:28):
He said, he does.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Look Okay, he loves you, but he's not giving you
everything that you want in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
No, he's not.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
He's not attracted to you. That's valuable information. Why are
you hurt by that?
Speaker 3 (35:41):
I think he's bipolar, Like he says, one thing, you're making.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
This about him. You're making this about him. I want
you to keep it on you. You are with a
man who's not attracted to you, and he's a long
distance man. It's called so long sammy, so long period.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
Yeah, I guess I'm ending this like I've told him
it's over, but it's always he pulls me back in
and then we're starting.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Over, pulls you back in. How it's a long distance
relationship and y'all are not intimate. What is he pulling
you back into? Does he send you money? Is he
paying your rent? What is he pulling you into?
Speaker 2 (36:27):
Exactly?
Speaker 3 (36:28):
I don't even know. I think I've just wasted the
last eight years of my life.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Well, all right, we long distance anyway, How often do
you see him?
Speaker 3 (36:38):
We try to see each other like once a month,
for like a week or two at a time.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Okay, So you really don't know what he's doing over
in the distance he's in because if he's not attracted
to you, he may be attracted to somebody else. But
that's a whole nother story. Yes, beloved it I yeah,
your mister married is a cheater period. I don't care
(37:05):
if you got an open marriage. Is that what you
want for yourself? Is that what you want? He can
be your friend, y'all can talk. You know, if you
want to be friends with benefits, that's your choice. But
bringing a child into that, I would really encourage you
(37:26):
and invite you. And I'd also really encourage you and
invite you to consider that you haven't gotten pregnant in
all of this time, and this may not be the
best time. And really, if you were a little sperm
and an egg floating around in somebody's body, would you
want your mother to say I want you and you
(37:46):
don't have to have a father. Is that what you
would want somebody to say for you, no, tell me
something you're going to think about now as a result
of this conversation, because I mean, you're going to do
whatever you want want to do, but tell me something
you're gonna think about, and maybe consider going.
Speaker 3 (38:05):
Forward considering myself and try to focus on myself. I
think that's what I really need right now.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
I would encourage you to really investigate the confusion and
the conflict and instead of thinking that you spent eight years,
you wasted eight years with mister maybe, I would encourage
you to get clear about what you want and maybe
have a relationship with somebody that lives within driving distance
as opposed to long distance.
Speaker 3 (38:38):
I'm gonna stay away from him, well.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
I hope so. And I hope as you stay away
from him that you consider just being friends with mister married.
Speaker 2 (38:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (38:50):
I think I am.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
All right, my darling. Thank you for calling. I wish
you the best. I wish you the best.
Speaker 3 (38:56):
You appreciate your time.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
Okay, Bye, bye life. What a tangle web we weed
when we are confused, and the web gets even more
tangled when we are in conflict, and the conflict is
warning something we can't have or settling for something that's
(39:20):
less than we want. In relationships, whether it's a cheating relationship,
or you're cheating, you're being cheated on, you're the object
being cheated with. In any kind of relationship, those three
things are going on. We are settling for less than
we want. We don't believe we can have what we want,
(39:41):
and we're accepting what shows up because either we think
we don't deserve it or we're not worthy. It's a
tango tangled web. I hope that you know something now
that you didn't know. When you're tuned in, and until
we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces. The
(40:06):
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
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