February 1, 2023 • 44 mins
Iyanla noticed a pattern – whether it’s socks or a pair of pants, what she puts inside the wash is exactly what she gets back out. So when two struggling callers share their experiences with Iyanla, she decides it’s time to look at what they’re putting into their relationships from the start. The first woman feels like she’s putting her all into every romantic relationship she’s had, but when she finally lets her guard down, the love isn’t returned. And the second caller feels as though she’s seen people get burned too many times… Is it even worth trying to find love again?
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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spend time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with
I Heart Radio. There are two tenants that I believe
(00:43):
our present in every single relationship, even when we don't
recognize it or understand it or believe that it's there.
There are two tenants. The first one is, if you
want to know the end, look at the beginning. However
that relationship ships started, it's gonna end up, but the
(01:04):
same issue being present. So if you started dating a
married person, when you leave, they're gonna be with a
married person, or you're gonna be with a married person.
If you started the relationship on a lie, the lie
is what's gonna take the relationship down. If you want
to know the end, look at the beginning. Whatever your
thoughts were, your feelings were, your behaviors, whatever you birth
(01:28):
that relationship in, it's gonna be in the coffin when
that relationship ends. That's that's one tenant. The other tenant
is what shows up in the relationship is a function
of what's going on inside of you. If you've got
(01:48):
a belief in rejection, it's gonna show up. If you've
got a belief in abandonment, it's gonna show up. If
you've got a belief that you're not a good enough
or you're not enough, or that you can't trust people,
it's gonna show up in the relationship. Because what you
put in the wash comes out in the watch. It
(02:10):
just does. Listen, Welcome to the art spot. How can
I serve support assist you today and moving through relationship challenges? Um? Hi, okay,
I'm so excited to meet you. Um, so I am
having a problem with dating. Um it seems like every
(02:32):
person that I meet, they seem to be like really
really great and then they basically turned out to be abandoner.
They abandoned me. Um, you know, I let my guard down,
and then after I let my guard down, they just
almost opposite. They turned like mean and I'm giving them
(02:53):
too much time and they need space, and then it's
like once I try to give them everything that they want,
it's like they just leave. It's like and they don't
have any real explanation. Explanations. Besides, you know, this happened,
and I just don't feel like it's just serving me.
And I'm just like, I'm just really at the point
to where I'm just shutting down and I don't know
(03:14):
what to do. Like as far as being different, it's
like I want to give my off to somebody, but
it's like the moment that I do that, the moment
I let my guard down and I do nice things
for him. And like my past relationship that I just
got out of, like I took her on this crazy trip,
you know, out the country and I put myself last.
I didn't even really do anything for my birthday, and
(03:36):
she literally like told me she didn't want to be
with me and long term, you know, after she told
me before you know she It's just I don't know,
I just don't understand why I'm meeting people who just
don't want to be with me long term. Because you
don't want to be with you long term? How about that?
Oh okay, okay, I'm sorry to give it to you
(04:02):
like that, but you know, I'm the Matrix Is is
one of my favorite movies and and so I I
usually offer the bluepail first. Yeah, you don't want to
be with you long term. I just I didn't even
do anything for my birthday. I took somebody else on
the trip. Really, yes, why didn't you take you on
(04:22):
a trip? Because if you don't want to be with you,
why do you think anybody else wants to be with you? M? Yes,
that makes sense. Let me ask you a question. Okay,
would you marry you? Would you marry you? Yes? Okay?
Why why would you marry you? Um? Because I'm a
loving person and I'm there for whoever I'm with and
(04:48):
UM permitted. I'm little, I'm understanding, and I try to
be my best. I'm not perfect, but I try. M hmmm.
So then why do you have a guard up? Oh? Um?
I guess because people don't like I guess because I
keep being left so it makes me feel insecure and
(05:10):
makes me feel like I'm not enough. So what if
you believe you're insecure and not enough and you go
looking for people to fill those holes for you, which
then makes you needy and overwhelming, and they want to
get the hell away from you as fast as they can.
How about that? I've heard that, Moore, I have Oh yeah,
(05:37):
yeah it is. But you've been taking it in. It's
just that you're blaming it on other people. Wow, you're right,
then look at it that way. What goes into the
wash comes out of the wash. If you put two
pair of socks and two bras and two pants and
(06:00):
a shirt in the wash, what you're gonna get out
is two pair of socks and two bras and a
pair of two pair of pants and a shirt. That's
what you're gonna get out the wah. Now there is
a monster in the dryer. The drying monster will eat
the socks. So we're not gonna talk about the dryer.
We're gonna talk about the wash. If you put that
(06:22):
in the wash, that's what you're gonna get out of
the wash. So what you put in the relationship is
what you're gonna get out of it. And what you're
putting into your relationships, my beloved is a guard and
a belief that you're going to be abandoned, and the
belief that you're insecure and you're not good enough. So
(06:44):
then you'll overcompensate trying to hide those things and end
up getting the very thing you believe in. I'm abandoned,
I'm going to be abandoned. I'm not enough. I'm not
good enough, my papa. Now that I'm looking at it,
you're right. How go in not feeling I'm enough? I
go in feeling insecure, and I feel like to keep them,
I need to be pretty, I need to buy nice
(07:06):
things for them, I need to give them what no
one has ever given them in the whole time. I
guess I'm really just trying to keep them from making
me feel like day feel. And what you do those
things where you're trying to protect yourself. What you do
is it looks like, feels like. It could look like,
(07:28):
feel like, sound like control. People don't like being controlled.
Or it may look like sound like feel like you're
trying to buy their love. People don't like that. They
want to give their love freely. And if you don't
want to be alone with you, then you'll spend an
(07:50):
inordinate amount of time being with somebody else and it
could feel overwhelming and it makes you look needy, makes
you look needy. So it sounds to me like you
need to do a little self work here. I could
be wrong, because I do believe that you're loving, committed,
and loyal, But I also believe see when you say
(08:13):
to me, I let my guard down. You take that
guard into the relationship with you. You do too much.
So what are I guess what are some things that
I can do too? I've been trying to do self work.
I've been following you for so many years, like since
I was like twenty five and I'm thirty now, and um,
(08:37):
I've I've been trying to do like a lot of
self work. And I guess I don't know. Like I'm
trying to do like like I have a therapist and
I'm trying to work out traumas that I dealt with
as a kid, um, and I do a lot of
self reflection and stuff like that. But I guess I
(09:01):
haven't did a lot with my I don't know if
I was doing it to please other people. Now that
I think about it, Oh, look at that. Yeah, yeah,
you might want to unpack the abandonment. Let's start here.
Let's start right here. Let's see if you can say
(09:24):
this and feel this. It doesn't matter what you feel.
Let's just see if you can say it and feel it.
I am enough. See if you can say that and
tell me what you feel. I am enough. I am enough.
Can you feel that anywhere in your body. I felt
(09:44):
it in my upper chest. Okay, do you believe it?
It's scary. That would be a no. I want to
like you want to, yeah, but you don't. Okay, and
(10:06):
we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
to the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Did mommy leave? Did daddy leave? Who left? Ye left? Yeah? Okay.
(10:26):
I thought that I was over there. I thought that
I was in a better place. But I guess I
just I guess I just focused on other things just
to get me away from it, not deal with it.
So you gotta unpack that. I really do matter. I
don't need love from someone else to make me feel
like i'm I'm a good like I'm enough. I'd say
I'm enough. I'm gonna say good enough, but enough, Yeah
(10:49):
I am enough. Here's another one. See if you can
say this and where you're feeling in your body? I matter?
I matter? Yeah, where do you feel that in your body?
So that in my lower domino like right, right, and
well like right, well my bellies kind of was like us.
I feel more confident, confident in that matter. Yeah, I matter.
(11:14):
I matter because I am enough. I matter because I
am enough Where do you feel that recognize that you're enough.
You don't have to buy love, you don't have to
prove you're worthy of love. You don't even need love.
You desire it and you want to share it. You're
(11:36):
needing it right now, needing it to fill up some hole. Yeah,
trying to prove that you're worthy of it. So I
want to recommend two things for you. You said you're
in therapy. Are you still in therapy? Yes, I'm in
therapy every two weeks, okay. And what what do you
(11:58):
know that your therapists modality or what they is it
cognitive therapy? Isn't voice dialogue? What do you know what
kind of therapy or And I don't know that. I
know it's cognitive for sure, and family relationships and stuff. Um,
but basically I just kind of to be honest, maybe
I need a new therapist because she kind of just asked, like,
(12:21):
what's what's going on? And the questions that you're asking
and the stuff that I tell her is more of
me just unloading myself on her and then her just
saying okay, well we should reschedule. I want to make
a recommendation. Okay, have you ever have you ever read
One Day my Soul Just Opened Up. No, No, I've
(12:44):
never read it. Okay, it's a workbook, So I want
to recommend you get a copy of One Day my
Soul Just Opened Up. Okay, And in there you're gonna find,
um M, you're gonna find forty different principles, and each
(13:07):
of those principles you're gonna have something to work through.
And even if you want to do that work with
your therapists, you know you can do that work through
that book. Work through One Day my Souldiers Opened Up,
because it's gonna ask you some questions. It's going to
give you an opportunity to unload some things. And and
(13:29):
what I'm sensing about you is that once something is
opened up, you can drop right in and get information.
Like you just said, I don't know if I'm doing
this for myself or for somebody else. You know, so
you have access to the information. You might just need
some support and opening up. Okay, Okay, that yeah, I
(13:56):
think that would be helpful for you. Start there. Start
with One Day my Soul Just Opened Up, Because to me,
you need to unpack this abandonment and to get on
your enoughness and and stop running from the dark places
inside of yourself because you you believe the abandonment. Like
I said, what you put in the wash comes out,
(14:17):
and if it comes out, that means you put it in.
And let's get that. Let's get that guard now. Now
we're not talking about the dryer. So let's just stay
with the wash right now. Okay, I can do that.
I can do that, and so work through that and
let's see what you come up with. And like I said,
(14:38):
even if you work with your therapists on it, you know,
and and have her help you see some things here
or if you want to change therapists or something cognitive
is cognitive therapists is wonderful. I also like voice dialogue
unlike in a child. So there's a number of ways
(15:00):
that you can do it. And now the good news
is you can do therapy online. So yeah, that's a
good thing virtually. So start with one day my soul
opens up. See how that works for you. See what
you get, dig down and don't date right now, give
me give yourself a little breathe on that until you
get really comfortable with I matter because I'm enough, and
(15:25):
I'm enough because I matter. I matter because you don't
need to be taking nobody else out the country, right, No,
you wanna let somebody take you out the country, somebody
(15:47):
pay for you. Yeah, that would be that would be
nice for one. But you've got some you've got some
habits there that you've gotta break. So let's let's do
some work and see what happened. I'm willing to do
the work. There's somebody out there because I actually started
dating someone and she's really great and she was wondering
(16:08):
why I couldn't open up like that, and I didn't
want to tell her because I didn't want to scare
her off. I'm like, here we go again, But I
think I need to tell her, like I just don't
need today. And she's a great person from what I see,
but I don't want to hurt her because I'm not
I'm not right, I'm not ready yet, So I say
somebody else. Okay, good, And you saved yourself some money
(16:32):
because who who knows what you'd be buying and where
you'd be traveling to. Yeah. Yeah, because remember this, you're
taking the guard into the relationship with you and even
though you may not be thinking about it consciously, the energy,
(16:54):
the vibration of it is attracting the very thing that
you don't want. Because I'm sure they all start out
like nice people. They all start out, but then you're
gonna get into your racket. You're gonna start your hustle
of buying and overwhelming. And m let's clean up a
little bit first, and you can tell her that, you
(17:16):
know what, I've got some stuff I need to clean up,
not with people, but within myself so that we we
would have a chance. Because here's the truth. If she's
for you, she'll be there when you get yourself clear.
You're right, I'm gonna say that y'all can be friends
and talk. But right now, it's not good for you
(17:36):
to take this any further. You don't want to reinfect
yourself with your wonderfulness. I'll just call it wonderful. I
don't want to reinfect myself with this, you know, And
let me know how you do in the future. Okay, Well,
(17:59):
thank you, appreciate it. Okay, and don't go nowhere with nobody. Okay. Alright,
my love, When we face certain challenges in relationships, we
want to blame the other person. So here's my third
(18:22):
tenant about relationships. It's all about you. Boo, It's all
about you. I don't care what the other person does
or didn't do, or says or doesn't say. It's all
about you. So if you want to know the end,
why your relationship and the way they do, or why
(18:45):
you end up where you end up in relationships, go
back to the beginning and look at the state of
your mind, look at the state of your heart, look
at the state of your life. In fact, my next
caller is a prime example of what goes in comes out.
(19:09):
Thank you for your patients, welcome to the art spot.
Oh my god, and what is your relationship issue? I've
always been a hopeless romantic type of person. But I'm
getting old. I'm twoint typing, I'm getting old. I'm a
single mom. Um, I'm so Chicago, and my sons dad,
(19:31):
he is deceased. Um, so data for me has kind
of been like an adventure. Um, I've just been thinking lately,
and it's funny. I was scrolling down Instagram and I've
seen your post and I'm like, I should just call her.
This month alone, I've had a lot of time to
like reflect on my own life. You know, me as
a mom, me as a person, me as a being
(19:52):
he is on my spiritual journey and everything. And I
just don't know if I have it in me to
like being a relationship. And it's I want to know,
is just something normal at this age, or because I've
been betrayed so much by men, I don't know if
I have the capacity. Two, I don't know. I don't
(20:15):
know if it's me or if it's just a man
I'm choosing, or I don't know what it is. I
just want to know from your perspective, Um, what do
you like? Do you think I should consider love? Well,
let me ask you this, do you think you should
consider love? I like to entertain the idea, but I've
(20:36):
been shown so many times over and over again that
either I'm not enough or I don't know. It's just
like it makes me kind of um create this idea
of men and boys and guys and their jeans in general,
Like it just makes me think, Okay, men just they
(20:56):
just gonna cheat, They just gonna they always want the
beast and always want more and more and more. And
you can't trust him around your friends, your family or anything.
That's just my idea, and I haven't I mean, I've
seen even with like celebrity relationships and stuff that I
look up to an admire. Um, I see those things
(21:17):
and I said, Okay, those okay, maybe it's possible, but
who knows, even when you know everybody, everybody's a human,
so um it just kind of puts me in a
mode where I'm just like, man, I don't think this
is gonna be realistic for me. Maybe I am just
gonna be that black single mom, you know, even even
in the future, Like I'm gonna be like a hundred
(21:37):
years old by myself. And is that okay? Is that okay?
Is it okay? If that's what you choose, it's okay.
I am single right now by choice. I am absolutely
single by choice. I've been in relationships. I've been married
three times, twice to the same person. But I never
(22:00):
gave up on love because I never gave up on myself.
But when I started having a repetitive issue in a relationship,
I had to ask myself, so, ian Love, why would
somebody do this to you? Why would somebody do this
to you? Why would you have this experience in your life?
(22:22):
And then I changed that question into ian La, how
do you do this to yourself? How do you abandon yourself.
How do you betray yourself? How do you reject yourself?
How do you disrespect yourself? How do you dishonor yourself?
Yan Lam? Because I know whatever I draw to me,
(22:47):
it's going to be a function of who I am.
So when I started looking at how I was emotionally dishonest,
how I was um expecting less of myself, how I
was betraying myself, how I was disrespecting myself. And when
I found those things in me and clean that up,
(23:09):
I started having different kinds of relationships, not just with
the men that I was intimate with, but also with
my friends, with my family. There are some people I
had to let go of. There are some things that
I had to stop doing because if I didn't want
to attract it, I couldn't be it because I'm only
(23:31):
gonna draw to me what I am, what I'm thinking,
what I'm feeling, and what I'm doing. Now, that's just
what I did. Now you might have some other ideas, Wow,
how have you betrayed yourself? How have you let yourself down?
How have you dishonored yourself? How have you disrespected yourself?
(23:52):
And it don't have to be big things little things.
How many times have you said I'm not gonna do
something and then you do it? Or how any times
have you said I'm going to do something and then
you don't do it. That's called betrayal. Yeah, I just yeah,
I've done a lot to myself, honestly. Uh it's I
believe maybe because I was growing up. It's so weird.
(24:15):
It was like I've had the best I wouldn't even
say the best of both worlds with everything. But my
life is kind of different from a lot of people.
And I've been a daddy was daughter before too, And
I remember watching especial and you guys discussed it that
there were situations where there were daddy's over there, but
they weren't there. I had a step dead that was there.
(24:37):
But I don't believe he represented a male figure in
a positive light. I mean he he did he could financially,
but um, I don't know if and it wasn't his
job to fulfill that. You know, my my real father
was incarcerated because I was two years old. So it
was a lot of things that you know now that
(24:58):
I reflect back, and I even like my college stays
or you know, just growing up in high school, I
was battling myself. I felt like Hannah, my fama like,
is this me? Or is it? She like? I don't.
I don't. I don't know what to present to the
world and to to these people. I don't know what
to prevent this guy. I don't. I guess you know
(25:21):
what I ada. Maybe I didn't know who I was.
Maybe that's what it was. I don't know. But can
I ask you a questions? Where did you see or
learn how to be in a loving, healthy, fulfilling, satisfying relationship.
So Um, I did live with my aunt um in
high school, and she was I would consider that happily married,
(25:45):
but it was really like they they're not married today,
but they were very happy and I never seen like
the rough rounds of their relationship when they were about
to divorce or anything like that. So I would say
that was a good example, but it probably wasn't even
the best example. Honestly, here's the thing, you lived with
(26:06):
your aunt. That means that there was a breakdown in
your foundational family. Isn't that accurate? Okay, So that's a problem.
The matter of fact that you had to be displaced
from your primary relationship, your primary family relationship in order
(26:27):
to see another relationship is a problem. Anything may have
been better than where you were, you know, so you
don't even know how to measure good from not good.
If your basic if your foundation was already jacked up. Ye,
and I've had that discussion with my mother and she
(26:51):
disagrees with me your question. It's just so intriguing. I
I don't know if I have it in me to
be in a relation and ships. So what do we
do now? We'll talk about that right after this break.
(27:15):
Welcome back. I am y' len. This is the our spot.
I want to read something to you, okay. It's from
a book called Until Today Daily Devotions for Spiritual Growth
and Peace of Mind. Until Today the date the book
is dated. You know, every day there's a there's a
(27:36):
message for you, something to think about, something to consider.
I'm reading to you from July and it says I
will gain more understanding when I realize exactly where I am.
It's exactly where I need to be. So I want
(27:58):
to say to you that exactly where you are today
at seven, as you say you're getting old, I got
underwear older than you. But that's a whole another conversation
It says, how many days of the week do you
spend wondering why you are not further along than where
(28:18):
you are? How many days of the week do you
spend wondering why you're not further along? How many days?
I would say seven days a week? Okay, all right,
here's the next line. If thinking about it where you
are makes you angry or frustrated, you are definitely not
(28:42):
on the right track, because exactly where you are is
where you need to be. Exactly where is that that
you think you need to be? Exactly where is it
that you think you need to be other than exactly
where you are? Having these questions, having these experiences, going
(29:06):
through these things, where do you think you should be?
And why isn't where you are just fine? I'm trying
to figure it out. You can only be where you are.
You can only be where you are, and it is
up to you to make the best of it. You
cannot get to where you are going until you have
(29:27):
learned all there is to learn about where you are.
There's always powerful, insightful, sometimes shocking things that we need
to know about the ourselves. Those lessons are not over there.
The things you need to know about you are right
(29:48):
where you are. So instead of wondering if you're gonna
find love down the road, why not look at what
you're learning right where you are. Are you learning to
be by yourself? Are you learning to be with yourself?
Are you learning the mistakes that you've made in relationships?
Are you learning why you go into relationships, how you
(30:10):
go into relationships. Are you learning how to be a
better mom? Are you learning how to be a better woman?
Because as you age or as you mature, you don't
want to be next year the same person you are
this year. But what are you changing? What are you growing?
What are you shifting? And that's the value in the
(30:31):
beauty of of being twenty seven. You know you're in
your twenties. So there are lessons, and there are blessings,
and there are gifts, and there are challenges that you
need to clean up at twenty that you don't take
in the thirty. Maybe it's not time for you to
(30:51):
be in a relationship, that's why you're not in one.
So so the question is what are you learning where
you are are that will make you better? You see,
in the ancient days, the grandmothers, the wise women, would
take the young women away and they would teach them
things and show them things. We don't do that anymore.
(31:13):
That's what you're talking about in terms of your But
there are other things that you know, what's your vision?
What is your vision? And what is your gift? I
have so many of them? Um, I would if I could,
um actually walking like the footsteps of you. Honestly, Um,
(31:35):
I feel like I've been through a lot. Um I've
witnessed a lot uh with my surrounding family and friends,
and I just I'm into socialism, like I'm into the psyche.
I'm into why. I want to know why people feel
how they feel? Why do I feel how I feel?
And if I was to do something in life, I
(31:57):
would want to heal. That's all I know about, Like
what my vision? Are you in school? Are you studying psychology?
Are you investigating healing modalities? I mean, you know, see
your your twenty seven and if we were going to
do your rights of passage? You know, every every age
(32:21):
psychle for a woman is a right of passage. So
in your twenties there are things it's called the bride era.
That's probably why you're thinking about marriage, because in our
twenties is when our spirit or heart. A soul is
really best suited for marriage because you're looking for a companionship.
(32:41):
That's your role and in your twenties is to be
a companion. Your blessing in your twenties is just to
be open and receptive, not to try to, you know,
attach yourself to anything in anyone, but just be receptive.
Receptive to spirit, receptive to people, receptive to ideas. That's
(33:07):
your energy. That's your role at twenty. Your gift at
the age of twenty again, which is probably why it's
coming up for you, it is commitment. Learning how to
be committed, how to stay committed first to yourself, not
to somebody else, but first to yourself. Are you committed
(33:28):
to your goal? Are you committed to your vision? Are
you committed to your dream? Are you committed to your values?
Learning how to be committed? That's your gift at twenty
that's when you grow that. So when you say that
you're in and out of these relationships with people who
betray you or whatever, it's because you're attracting people who
(33:48):
don't have commitment. And it's probably because you don't have commitment.
You know, what if you started and not finished, what
what have you spoken and then not followed up on?
What do you want that you've not taken action on?
That is commitment. Your lesson at the age of twenty
(34:09):
is inner authority not outer inner inner authority? How do
I author what it is that I need and want
and desire within myself? And then what actions do I
take to make those things happen? So, don't want to
be like me, want to be like you and do
(34:31):
it the way you do it. But have you been trained?
Have you gone to school? Have you have you looked
at maybe becoming a psychologist or a guidance counselor. And
if you don't want to go to traditional school, have
you studied, like I said, any healing modalities? Have you
studied anything that will help you bring forward? The gift?
(34:52):
Your grace at the age of twenty meaning what life
in the universe gives you is port your twenty You
know people want to support you, Women want to support you.
They they want to assist you and grow with you.
You know, are you open to support? If you're just
(35:13):
looking at your birth family for support, you probably won't
find it. So where else can you get support? What organizations?
What people, what books, what classes? And what you're learning
in your heart at twenty is tenderness, tenderness, how to
be tender with yourself, with your son, with people. What
(35:35):
you're speaking with your thinking and what you have to
heal at twenty is resistance. Resistance, not to be resistant
to lessons, not to be resistent to hard times, not
to be resistant to good times. So, like I said,
you don't, Maybe that's what I need to do. I
(35:57):
need to do these rights of passage for women and
so that you can be clear about where you are
at twenty. You are nowhere. There old. I'm telling you
I got underwear older than you. But learn to be
where you are. Learn to be where you are, be
(36:18):
twenty seven, be single, be a mom, and what can
you learn and what are you committed to? And what
is important for you and what brings you joy? That's
what you've got to do right now. Does that make
sense to you? It makes perfect sense. In your twenties,
(36:39):
you know what you're what they call the archetype. You're
a princess. You're a princess. You're not even a full
grown woman, yet you're a princess. And that's how you
should treat yourself and how you want to be treated
and the princess she she don't run the kingdom. And
(37:00):
unfortunately for many of our princesses are twenty year old.
You know, daddy's not there, or mommy's not there, or
uncle's are not there, and they've seen and gone through
things in their teens and twenties that they shouldn't even
have to face until lift fifty or sixty. So I
want to say to you, don't give up on love,
(37:22):
because that would be giving up on yourself. But get
clear about how you want to be loved, and then
love yourself that way, and then somebody else will show
up to share it with you. Um, what is her
advice for dating as a mother? What am I to
(37:42):
look for in a man who I guess fulfill my son?
Am I dating for myself anymore? Yes you are. You're
not dating for your son. You're dating no, have nothing
to do with him. The first thing you want is
a man who has a good relationship with his mother.
If he don't have a good relations and ship with
his mother, run screaming from the room. You want a
(38:07):
man that has a good relationship with his mother, because
if he doesn't, he's not gonna know how to treat you.
That's number one. You want a man with a vision.
What is he What does he see for himself? What
does he see for his life? You don't want a
man that's hoping, wishing or trying. If he's hoping, wishing
(38:30):
or trying, run screaming from the room. Okay, even in Chicago,
they're beautiful young man who have a vision, who have
a sense of clarity. Yeah. So you want him to
have a good relationship with his mom, or if he
if he's not with his mom, if he has children,
(38:52):
with his children's mom. You want a man who has
a good relationship with women. And you find that out
before you give up the cookies. You don't give up
no cookies, the no man that don't have a good
relationship with his mother. Okay, So you want him and
you want him to have a vision. And then, and
I know this may sound real strange, what is he
(39:13):
bringing to the table? As women, we gotta stop letting
guys come to our table with their tongue hanging out
instead of guys who are coming with a bloaf of
bread or a bottle of wine or you know, the
plates or something. We keep letting men pull a chair
up to our table, and they don't have nothing to offer.
(39:33):
What is he offering? You? See, this is the grandma
talking right now, this is Auntie talking. And if you
gotta be willing to stay by yourself until you find
a man that has a good relationship with his mother
or the women in his life, until you find a
man that has a vision for himself and one who's hoping, trying, waiting. No,
(39:55):
you don't want that, and a man who's bringing something
to the table so that he is coming to enrich
your life, because your presence is going to enriches And
until that happens, no nookie for you, No nookie. I
(40:18):
hope I haven't said too much. I'm writing everything down
and I'm still trying to talk that I'm on the
phone with you. It's right now. Well, thank you so much,
Thank you so much. Yeah, take care of you. Focus
on you right now. Focus on you and be okay
(40:40):
with where you are. And give yourself the things that
you want somebody else to give you. Give yourself time,
give yourself little gifts. Take yourself on a little trip,
even if it's a train ride up to Detroit. You know,
focus on you and your son. Teach your son what
(41:02):
it looks like to be a happy woman so that
he don't, you know, attract women who are sad and
sorrowful and angry and whatever. Listen, tell me one person
that you have in your life that you know loves
and respects and honors you. My son, okay, how old
is he? Okay? He? No? Not him? Somebody else, somebody
(41:27):
with a job. Are you spinking like in friends or like?
Can I include parents? Yeah? Friends or parents or whoever?
Somebody you know that loves and respects and wants the
best for you. I would probably say my mom and
my dad. Okay, So ask your mom to buy you
a copy of Until Today. It's a book. I want
(41:52):
somebody to give that to you. So you ask your
bomb and your dad. You don't want it on on.
You want the book Until Today. And that book is
going to give you something to read and reflect on
every single day. All Right, You do that, and you worked.
(42:13):
You work through that book and be okay with where
you are so that you can get to where you're going.
Get clear about your vision and start taking steps toward it.
And don't be trying to date nobody who ain't bringing
nothing to your table and don't give nobody no nookie.
(42:36):
I knew I was gonna get everything I needed from
talking to you, So okay, all right, thank you so much,
bye bye, goodbye. It just comes a time when we
all need to understand and assess why we so desperately
(42:56):
want to be in a relationship. Sometimes you need to
be by yourself, and sometimes you don't want to be
by yourself so badly till you're running into a relationship
to get away from you. That's not gonna work. Why
do we want to be in relationships? What is it
(43:18):
that we're looking for? What is it that we're seeking,
What is it that we think we're gonna get that
we don't already have, because trust me, if you don't
already have it, you're not gonna get it and you're
not gonna find it. That is the hardest concept for
people to understand that if you don't want to be
with you, neither does anybody else. And the minute they
(43:38):
find out they don't want to be with you, they're
gonna go running for the hills. And then you make
it all about them and feeling bad. Why isn't being
with you enough? Because I believe that when being with
you is enough, someone will come to fill your cup
to overflow. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
(44:00):
and if you have a question about this or any
other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now
be sure to follow me on social media for all
of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace
and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
(44:27):
Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spend time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with
I Heart Radio. There are two tenants that I believe
(00:43):
our present in every single relationship, even when we don't
recognize it or understand it or believe that it's there.
There are two tenants. The first one is, if you
want to know the end, look at the beginning. However
that relationship ships started, it's gonna end up, but the
(01:04):
same issue being present. So if you started dating a
married person, when you leave, they're gonna be with a
married person, or you're gonna be with a married person.
If you started the relationship on a lie, the lie
is what's gonna take the relationship down. If you want
to know the end, look at the beginning. Whatever your
thoughts were, your feelings were, your behaviors, whatever you birth
(01:28):
that relationship in, it's gonna be in the coffin when
that relationship ends. That's that's one tenant. The other tenant
is what shows up in the relationship is a function
of what's going on inside of you. If you've got
(01:48):
a belief in rejection, it's gonna show up. If you've
got a belief in abandonment, it's gonna show up. If
you've got a belief that you're not a good enough
or you're not enough, or that you can't trust people,
it's gonna show up in the relationship. Because what you
put in the wash comes out in the watch. It
(02:10):
just does. Listen, Welcome to the art spot. How can
I serve support assist you today and moving through relationship challenges? Um? Hi, okay,
I'm so excited to meet you. Um, so I am
having a problem with dating. Um it seems like every
(02:32):
person that I meet, they seem to be like really
really great and then they basically turned out to be abandoner.
They abandoned me. Um, you know, I let my guard down,
and then after I let my guard down, they just
almost opposite. They turned like mean and I'm giving them
(02:53):
too much time and they need space, and then it's
like once I try to give them everything that they want,
it's like they just leave. It's like and they don't
have any real explanation. Explanations. Besides, you know, this happened,
and I just don't feel like it's just serving me.
And I'm just like, I'm just really at the point
to where I'm just shutting down and I don't know
(03:14):
what to do. Like as far as being different, it's
like I want to give my off to somebody, but
it's like the moment that I do that, the moment
I let my guard down and I do nice things
for him. And like my past relationship that I just
got out of, like I took her on this crazy trip,
you know, out the country and I put myself last.
I didn't even really do anything for my birthday, and
(03:36):
she literally like told me she didn't want to be
with me and long term, you know, after she told
me before you know she It's just I don't know,
I just don't understand why I'm meeting people who just
don't want to be with me long term. Because you
don't want to be with you long term? How about that?
Oh okay, okay, I'm sorry to give it to you
(04:02):
like that, but you know, I'm the Matrix Is is
one of my favorite movies and and so I I
usually offer the bluepail first. Yeah, you don't want to
be with you long term. I just I didn't even
do anything for my birthday. I took somebody else on
the trip. Really, yes, why didn't you take you on
(04:22):
a trip? Because if you don't want to be with you,
why do you think anybody else wants to be with you? M? Yes,
that makes sense. Let me ask you a question. Okay,
would you marry you? Would you marry you? Yes? Okay?
Why why would you marry you? Um? Because I'm a
loving person and I'm there for whoever I'm with and
(04:48):
UM permitted. I'm little, I'm understanding, and I try to
be my best. I'm not perfect, but I try. M hmmm.
So then why do you have a guard up? Oh? Um?
I guess because people don't like I guess because I
keep being left so it makes me feel insecure and
(05:10):
makes me feel like I'm not enough. So what if
you believe you're insecure and not enough and you go
looking for people to fill those holes for you, which
then makes you needy and overwhelming, and they want to
get the hell away from you as fast as they can.
How about that? I've heard that, Moore, I have Oh yeah,
(05:37):
yeah it is. But you've been taking it in. It's
just that you're blaming it on other people. Wow, you're right,
then look at it that way. What goes into the
wash comes out of the wash. If you put two
pair of socks and two bras and two pants and
(06:00):
a shirt in the wash, what you're gonna get out
is two pair of socks and two bras and a
pair of two pair of pants and a shirt. That's
what you're gonna get out the wah. Now there is
a monster in the dryer. The drying monster will eat
the socks. So we're not gonna talk about the dryer.
We're gonna talk about the wash. If you put that
(06:22):
in the wash, that's what you're gonna get out of
the wash. So what you put in the relationship is
what you're gonna get out of it. And what you're
putting into your relationships, my beloved is a guard and
a belief that you're going to be abandoned, and the
belief that you're insecure and you're not good enough. So
(06:44):
then you'll overcompensate trying to hide those things and end
up getting the very thing you believe in. I'm abandoned,
I'm going to be abandoned. I'm not enough. I'm not
good enough, my papa. Now that I'm looking at it,
you're right. How go in not feeling I'm enough? I
go in feeling insecure, and I feel like to keep them,
I need to be pretty, I need to buy nice
(07:06):
things for them, I need to give them what no
one has ever given them in the whole time. I
guess I'm really just trying to keep them from making
me feel like day feel. And what you do those
things where you're trying to protect yourself. What you do
is it looks like, feels like. It could look like,
(07:28):
feel like, sound like control. People don't like being controlled.
Or it may look like sound like feel like you're
trying to buy their love. People don't like that. They
want to give their love freely. And if you don't
want to be alone with you, then you'll spend an
(07:50):
inordinate amount of time being with somebody else and it
could feel overwhelming and it makes you look needy, makes
you look needy. So it sounds to me like you
need to do a little self work here. I could
be wrong, because I do believe that you're loving, committed,
and loyal, But I also believe see when you say
(08:13):
to me, I let my guard down. You take that
guard into the relationship with you. You do too much.
So what are I guess what are some things that
I can do too? I've been trying to do self work.
I've been following you for so many years, like since
I was like twenty five and I'm thirty now, and um,
(08:37):
I've I've been trying to do like a lot of
self work. And I guess I don't know. Like I'm
trying to do like like I have a therapist and
I'm trying to work out traumas that I dealt with
as a kid, um, and I do a lot of
self reflection and stuff like that. But I guess I
(09:01):
haven't did a lot with my I don't know if
I was doing it to please other people. Now that
I think about it, Oh, look at that. Yeah, yeah,
you might want to unpack the abandonment. Let's start here.
Let's start right here. Let's see if you can say
(09:24):
this and feel this. It doesn't matter what you feel.
Let's just see if you can say it and feel it.
I am enough. See if you can say that and
tell me what you feel. I am enough. I am enough.
Can you feel that anywhere in your body. I felt
(09:44):
it in my upper chest. Okay, do you believe it?
It's scary. That would be a no. I want to
like you want to, yeah, but you don't. Okay, and
(10:06):
we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
to the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Did mommy leave? Did daddy leave? Who left? Ye left? Yeah? Okay.
(10:26):
I thought that I was over there. I thought that
I was in a better place. But I guess I
just I guess I just focused on other things just
to get me away from it, not deal with it.
So you gotta unpack that. I really do matter. I
don't need love from someone else to make me feel
like i'm I'm a good like I'm enough. I'd say
I'm enough. I'm gonna say good enough, but enough, Yeah
(10:49):
I am enough. Here's another one. See if you can
say this and where you're feeling in your body? I matter?
I matter? Yeah, where do you feel that in your body?
So that in my lower domino like right, right, and
well like right, well my bellies kind of was like us.
I feel more confident, confident in that matter. Yeah, I matter.
(11:14):
I matter because I am enough. I matter because I
am enough Where do you feel that recognize that you're enough.
You don't have to buy love, you don't have to
prove you're worthy of love. You don't even need love.
You desire it and you want to share it. You're
(11:36):
needing it right now, needing it to fill up some hole. Yeah,
trying to prove that you're worthy of it. So I
want to recommend two things for you. You said you're
in therapy. Are you still in therapy? Yes, I'm in
therapy every two weeks, okay. And what what do you
(11:58):
know that your therapists modality or what they is it
cognitive therapy? Isn't voice dialogue? What do you know what
kind of therapy or And I don't know that. I
know it's cognitive for sure, and family relationships and stuff. Um,
but basically I just kind of to be honest, maybe
I need a new therapist because she kind of just asked, like,
(12:21):
what's what's going on? And the questions that you're asking
and the stuff that I tell her is more of
me just unloading myself on her and then her just
saying okay, well we should reschedule. I want to make
a recommendation. Okay, have you ever have you ever read
One Day my Soul Just Opened Up. No, No, I've
(12:44):
never read it. Okay, it's a workbook, So I want
to recommend you get a copy of One Day my
Soul Just Opened Up. Okay, And in there you're gonna find,
um M, you're gonna find forty different principles, and each
(13:07):
of those principles you're gonna have something to work through.
And even if you want to do that work with
your therapists, you know you can do that work through
that book. Work through One Day my Souldiers Opened Up,
because it's gonna ask you some questions. It's going to
give you an opportunity to unload some things. And and
(13:29):
what I'm sensing about you is that once something is
opened up, you can drop right in and get information.
Like you just said, I don't know if I'm doing
this for myself or for somebody else. You know, so
you have access to the information. You might just need
some support and opening up. Okay, Okay, that yeah, I
(13:56):
think that would be helpful for you. Start there. Start
with One Day my Soul Just Opened Up, Because to me,
you need to unpack this abandonment and to get on
your enoughness and and stop running from the dark places
inside of yourself because you you believe the abandonment. Like
I said, what you put in the wash comes out,
(14:17):
and if it comes out, that means you put it in.
And let's get that. Let's get that guard now. Now
we're not talking about the dryer. So let's just stay
with the wash right now. Okay, I can do that.
I can do that, and so work through that and
let's see what you come up with. And like I said,
(14:38):
even if you work with your therapists on it, you know,
and and have her help you see some things here
or if you want to change therapists or something cognitive
is cognitive therapists is wonderful. I also like voice dialogue
unlike in a child. So there's a number of ways
(15:00):
that you can do it. And now the good news
is you can do therapy online. So yeah, that's a
good thing virtually. So start with one day my soul
opens up. See how that works for you. See what
you get, dig down and don't date right now, give
me give yourself a little breathe on that until you
get really comfortable with I matter because I'm enough, and
(15:25):
I'm enough because I matter. I matter because you don't
need to be taking nobody else out the country, right, No,
you wanna let somebody take you out the country, somebody
(15:47):
pay for you. Yeah, that would be that would be
nice for one. But you've got some you've got some
habits there that you've gotta break. So let's let's do
some work and see what happened. I'm willing to do
the work. There's somebody out there because I actually started
dating someone and she's really great and she was wondering
(16:08):
why I couldn't open up like that, and I didn't
want to tell her because I didn't want to scare
her off. I'm like, here we go again, But I
think I need to tell her, like I just don't
need today. And she's a great person from what I see,
but I don't want to hurt her because I'm not
I'm not right, I'm not ready yet, So I say
somebody else. Okay, good, And you saved yourself some money
(16:32):
because who who knows what you'd be buying and where
you'd be traveling to. Yeah. Yeah, because remember this, you're
taking the guard into the relationship with you and even
though you may not be thinking about it consciously, the energy,
(16:54):
the vibration of it is attracting the very thing that
you don't want. Because I'm sure they all start out
like nice people. They all start out, but then you're
gonna get into your racket. You're gonna start your hustle
of buying and overwhelming. And m let's clean up a
little bit first, and you can tell her that, you
(17:16):
know what, I've got some stuff I need to clean up,
not with people, but within myself so that we we
would have a chance. Because here's the truth. If she's
for you, she'll be there when you get yourself clear.
You're right, I'm gonna say that y'all can be friends
and talk. But right now, it's not good for you
(17:36):
to take this any further. You don't want to reinfect
yourself with your wonderfulness. I'll just call it wonderful. I
don't want to reinfect myself with this, you know, And
let me know how you do in the future. Okay, Well,
(17:59):
thank you, appreciate it. Okay, and don't go nowhere with nobody. Okay. Alright,
my love, When we face certain challenges in relationships, we
want to blame the other person. So here's my third
(18:22):
tenant about relationships. It's all about you. Boo, It's all
about you. I don't care what the other person does
or didn't do, or says or doesn't say. It's all
about you. So if you want to know the end,
why your relationship and the way they do, or why
(18:45):
you end up where you end up in relationships, go
back to the beginning and look at the state of
your mind, look at the state of your heart, look
at the state of your life. In fact, my next
caller is a prime example of what goes in comes out.
(19:09):
Thank you for your patients, welcome to the art spot.
Oh my god, and what is your relationship issue? I've
always been a hopeless romantic type of person. But I'm
getting old. I'm twoint typing, I'm getting old. I'm a
single mom. Um, I'm so Chicago, and my sons dad,
(19:31):
he is deceased. Um, so data for me has kind
of been like an adventure. Um, I've just been thinking lately,
and it's funny. I was scrolling down Instagram and I've
seen your post and I'm like, I should just call her.
This month alone, I've had a lot of time to
like reflect on my own life. You know, me as
a mom, me as a person, me as a being
(19:52):
he is on my spiritual journey and everything. And I
just don't know if I have it in me to
like being a relationship. And it's I want to know,
is just something normal at this age, or because I've
been betrayed so much by men, I don't know if
I have the capacity. Two, I don't know. I don't
(20:15):
know if it's me or if it's just a man
I'm choosing, or I don't know what it is. I
just want to know from your perspective, Um, what do
you like? Do you think I should consider love? Well,
let me ask you this, do you think you should
consider love? I like to entertain the idea, but I've
(20:36):
been shown so many times over and over again that
either I'm not enough or I don't know. It's just
like it makes me kind of um create this idea
of men and boys and guys and their jeans in general,
Like it just makes me think, Okay, men just they
(20:56):
just gonna cheat, They just gonna they always want the
beast and always want more and more and more. And
you can't trust him around your friends, your family or anything.
That's just my idea, and I haven't I mean, I've
seen even with like celebrity relationships and stuff that I
look up to an admire. Um, I see those things
(21:17):
and I said, Okay, those okay, maybe it's possible, but
who knows, even when you know everybody, everybody's a human,
so um it just kind of puts me in a
mode where I'm just like, man, I don't think this
is gonna be realistic for me. Maybe I am just
gonna be that black single mom, you know, even even
in the future, Like I'm gonna be like a hundred
(21:37):
years old by myself. And is that okay? Is that okay?
Is it okay? If that's what you choose, it's okay.
I am single right now by choice. I am absolutely
single by choice. I've been in relationships. I've been married
three times, twice to the same person. But I never
(22:00):
gave up on love because I never gave up on myself.
But when I started having a repetitive issue in a relationship,
I had to ask myself, so, ian Love, why would
somebody do this to you? Why would somebody do this
to you? Why would you have this experience in your life?
(22:22):
And then I changed that question into ian La, how
do you do this to yourself? How do you abandon yourself.
How do you betray yourself? How do you reject yourself?
How do you disrespect yourself? How do you dishonor yourself?
Yan Lam? Because I know whatever I draw to me,
(22:47):
it's going to be a function of who I am.
So when I started looking at how I was emotionally dishonest,
how I was um expecting less of myself, how I
was betraying myself, how I was disrespecting myself. And when
I found those things in me and clean that up,
(23:09):
I started having different kinds of relationships, not just with
the men that I was intimate with, but also with
my friends, with my family. There are some people I
had to let go of. There are some things that
I had to stop doing because if I didn't want
to attract it, I couldn't be it because I'm only
(23:31):
gonna draw to me what I am, what I'm thinking,
what I'm feeling, and what I'm doing. Now, that's just
what I did. Now you might have some other ideas, Wow,
how have you betrayed yourself? How have you let yourself down?
How have you dishonored yourself? How have you disrespected yourself?
(23:52):
And it don't have to be big things little things.
How many times have you said I'm not gonna do
something and then you do it? Or how any times
have you said I'm going to do something and then
you don't do it. That's called betrayal. Yeah, I just yeah,
I've done a lot to myself, honestly. Uh it's I
believe maybe because I was growing up. It's so weird.
(24:15):
It was like I've had the best I wouldn't even
say the best of both worlds with everything. But my
life is kind of different from a lot of people.
And I've been a daddy was daughter before too, And
I remember watching especial and you guys discussed it that
there were situations where there were daddy's over there, but
they weren't there. I had a step dead that was there.
(24:37):
But I don't believe he represented a male figure in
a positive light. I mean he he did he could financially,
but um, I don't know if and it wasn't his
job to fulfill that. You know, my my real father
was incarcerated because I was two years old. So it
was a lot of things that you know now that
(24:58):
I reflect back, and I even like my college stays
or you know, just growing up in high school, I
was battling myself. I felt like Hannah, my fama like,
is this me? Or is it? She like? I don't.
I don't. I don't know what to present to the
world and to to these people. I don't know what
to prevent this guy. I don't. I guess you know
(25:21):
what I ada. Maybe I didn't know who I was.
Maybe that's what it was. I don't know. But can
I ask you a questions? Where did you see or
learn how to be in a loving, healthy, fulfilling, satisfying relationship.
So Um, I did live with my aunt um in
high school, and she was I would consider that happily married,
(25:45):
but it was really like they they're not married today,
but they were very happy and I never seen like
the rough rounds of their relationship when they were about
to divorce or anything like that. So I would say
that was a good example, but it probably wasn't even
the best example. Honestly, here's the thing, you lived with
(26:06):
your aunt. That means that there was a breakdown in
your foundational family. Isn't that accurate? Okay, So that's a problem.
The matter of fact that you had to be displaced
from your primary relationship, your primary family relationship in order
(26:27):
to see another relationship is a problem. Anything may have
been better than where you were, you know, so you
don't even know how to measure good from not good.
If your basic if your foundation was already jacked up. Ye,
and I've had that discussion with my mother and she
(26:51):
disagrees with me your question. It's just so intriguing. I
I don't know if I have it in me to
be in a relation and ships. So what do we
do now? We'll talk about that right after this break.
(27:15):
Welcome back. I am y' len. This is the our spot.
I want to read something to you, okay. It's from
a book called Until Today Daily Devotions for Spiritual Growth
and Peace of Mind. Until Today the date the book
is dated. You know, every day there's a there's a
(27:36):
message for you, something to think about, something to consider.
I'm reading to you from July and it says I
will gain more understanding when I realize exactly where I am.
It's exactly where I need to be. So I want
(27:58):
to say to you that exactly where you are today
at seven, as you say you're getting old, I got
underwear older than you. But that's a whole another conversation
It says, how many days of the week do you
spend wondering why you are not further along than where
(28:18):
you are? How many days of the week do you
spend wondering why you're not further along? How many days?
I would say seven days a week? Okay, all right,
here's the next line. If thinking about it where you
are makes you angry or frustrated, you are definitely not
(28:42):
on the right track, because exactly where you are is
where you need to be. Exactly where is that that
you think you need to be? Exactly where is it
that you think you need to be other than exactly
where you are? Having these questions, having these experiences, going
(29:06):
through these things, where do you think you should be?
And why isn't where you are just fine? I'm trying
to figure it out. You can only be where you are.
You can only be where you are, and it is
up to you to make the best of it. You
cannot get to where you are going until you have
(29:27):
learned all there is to learn about where you are.
There's always powerful, insightful, sometimes shocking things that we need
to know about the ourselves. Those lessons are not over there.
The things you need to know about you are right
(29:48):
where you are. So instead of wondering if you're gonna
find love down the road, why not look at what
you're learning right where you are. Are you learning to
be by yourself? Are you learning to be with yourself?
Are you learning the mistakes that you've made in relationships?
Are you learning why you go into relationships, how you
(30:10):
go into relationships. Are you learning how to be a
better mom? Are you learning how to be a better woman?
Because as you age or as you mature, you don't
want to be next year the same person you are
this year. But what are you changing? What are you growing?
What are you shifting? And that's the value in the
(30:31):
beauty of of being twenty seven. You know you're in
your twenties. So there are lessons, and there are blessings,
and there are gifts, and there are challenges that you
need to clean up at twenty that you don't take
in the thirty. Maybe it's not time for you to
(30:51):
be in a relationship, that's why you're not in one.
So so the question is what are you learning where
you are are that will make you better? You see,
in the ancient days, the grandmothers, the wise women, would
take the young women away and they would teach them
things and show them things. We don't do that anymore.
(31:13):
That's what you're talking about in terms of your But
there are other things that you know, what's your vision?
What is your vision? And what is your gift? I
have so many of them? Um, I would if I could,
um actually walking like the footsteps of you. Honestly, Um,
(31:35):
I feel like I've been through a lot. Um I've
witnessed a lot uh with my surrounding family and friends,
and I just I'm into socialism, like I'm into the psyche.
I'm into why. I want to know why people feel
how they feel? Why do I feel how I feel?
And if I was to do something in life, I
(31:57):
would want to heal. That's all I know about, Like
what my vision? Are you in school? Are you studying psychology?
Are you investigating healing modalities? I mean, you know, see
your your twenty seven and if we were going to
do your rights of passage? You know, every every age
(32:21):
psychle for a woman is a right of passage. So
in your twenties there are things it's called the bride era.
That's probably why you're thinking about marriage, because in our
twenties is when our spirit or heart. A soul is
really best suited for marriage because you're looking for a companionship.
(32:41):
That's your role and in your twenties is to be
a companion. Your blessing in your twenties is just to
be open and receptive, not to try to, you know,
attach yourself to anything in anyone, but just be receptive.
Receptive to spirit, receptive to people, receptive to ideas. That's
(33:07):
your energy. That's your role at twenty. Your gift at
the age of twenty again, which is probably why it's
coming up for you, it is commitment. Learning how to
be committed, how to stay committed first to yourself, not
to somebody else, but first to yourself. Are you committed
(33:28):
to your goal? Are you committed to your vision? Are
you committed to your dream? Are you committed to your values?
Learning how to be committed? That's your gift at twenty
that's when you grow that. So when you say that
you're in and out of these relationships with people who
betray you or whatever, it's because you're attracting people who
(33:48):
don't have commitment. And it's probably because you don't have commitment.
You know, what if you started and not finished, what
what have you spoken and then not followed up on?
What do you want that you've not taken action on?
That is commitment. Your lesson at the age of twenty
(34:09):
is inner authority not outer inner inner authority? How do
I author what it is that I need and want
and desire within myself? And then what actions do I
take to make those things happen? So, don't want to
be like me, want to be like you and do
(34:31):
it the way you do it. But have you been trained?
Have you gone to school? Have you have you looked
at maybe becoming a psychologist or a guidance counselor. And
if you don't want to go to traditional school, have
you studied, like I said, any healing modalities? Have you
studied anything that will help you bring forward? The gift?
(34:52):
Your grace at the age of twenty meaning what life
in the universe gives you is port your twenty You
know people want to support you, Women want to support you.
They they want to assist you and grow with you.
You know, are you open to support? If you're just
(35:13):
looking at your birth family for support, you probably won't
find it. So where else can you get support? What organizations?
What people, what books, what classes? And what you're learning
in your heart at twenty is tenderness, tenderness, how to
be tender with yourself, with your son, with people. What
(35:35):
you're speaking with your thinking and what you have to
heal at twenty is resistance. Resistance, not to be resistant
to lessons, not to be resistent to hard times, not
to be resistant to good times. So, like I said,
you don't, Maybe that's what I need to do. I
(35:57):
need to do these rights of passage for women and
so that you can be clear about where you are
at twenty. You are nowhere. There old. I'm telling you
I got underwear older than you. But learn to be
where you are. Learn to be where you are, be
(36:18):
twenty seven, be single, be a mom, and what can
you learn and what are you committed to? And what
is important for you and what brings you joy? That's
what you've got to do right now. Does that make
sense to you? It makes perfect sense. In your twenties,
(36:39):
you know what you're what they call the archetype. You're
a princess. You're a princess. You're not even a full
grown woman, yet you're a princess. And that's how you
should treat yourself and how you want to be treated
and the princess she she don't run the kingdom. And
(37:00):
unfortunately for many of our princesses are twenty year old.
You know, daddy's not there, or mommy's not there, or
uncle's are not there, and they've seen and gone through
things in their teens and twenties that they shouldn't even
have to face until lift fifty or sixty. So I
want to say to you, don't give up on love,
(37:22):
because that would be giving up on yourself. But get
clear about how you want to be loved, and then
love yourself that way, and then somebody else will show
up to share it with you. Um, what is her
advice for dating as a mother? What am I to
(37:42):
look for in a man who I guess fulfill my son?
Am I dating for myself anymore? Yes you are. You're
not dating for your son. You're dating no, have nothing
to do with him. The first thing you want is
a man who has a good relationship with his mother.
If he don't have a good relations and ship with
his mother, run screaming from the room. You want a
(38:07):
man that has a good relationship with his mother, because
if he doesn't, he's not gonna know how to treat you.
That's number one. You want a man with a vision.
What is he What does he see for himself? What
does he see for his life? You don't want a
man that's hoping, wishing or trying. If he's hoping, wishing
(38:30):
or trying, run screaming from the room. Okay, even in Chicago,
they're beautiful young man who have a vision, who have
a sense of clarity. Yeah. So you want him to
have a good relationship with his mom, or if he
if he's not with his mom, if he has children,
(38:52):
with his children's mom. You want a man who has
a good relationship with women. And you find that out
before you give up the cookies. You don't give up
no cookies, the no man that don't have a good
relationship with his mother. Okay, So you want him and
you want him to have a vision. And then, and
I know this may sound real strange, what is he
(39:13):
bringing to the table? As women, we gotta stop letting
guys come to our table with their tongue hanging out
instead of guys who are coming with a bloaf of
bread or a bottle of wine or you know, the
plates or something. We keep letting men pull a chair
up to our table, and they don't have nothing to offer.
(39:33):
What is he offering? You? See, this is the grandma
talking right now, this is Auntie talking. And if you
gotta be willing to stay by yourself until you find
a man that has a good relationship with his mother
or the women in his life, until you find a
man that has a vision for himself and one who's hoping, trying, waiting. No,
(39:55):
you don't want that, and a man who's bringing something
to the table so that he is coming to enrich
your life, because your presence is going to enriches And
until that happens, no nookie for you, No nookie. I
(40:18):
hope I haven't said too much. I'm writing everything down
and I'm still trying to talk that I'm on the
phone with you. It's right now. Well, thank you so much,
Thank you so much. Yeah, take care of you. Focus
on you right now. Focus on you and be okay
(40:40):
with where you are. And give yourself the things that
you want somebody else to give you. Give yourself time,
give yourself little gifts. Take yourself on a little trip,
even if it's a train ride up to Detroit. You know,
focus on you and your son. Teach your son what
(41:02):
it looks like to be a happy woman so that
he don't, you know, attract women who are sad and
sorrowful and angry and whatever. Listen, tell me one person
that you have in your life that you know loves
and respects and honors you. My son, okay, how old
is he? Okay? He? No? Not him? Somebody else, somebody
(41:27):
with a job. Are you spinking like in friends or like?
Can I include parents? Yeah? Friends or parents or whoever?
Somebody you know that loves and respects and wants the
best for you. I would probably say my mom and
my dad. Okay, So ask your mom to buy you
a copy of Until Today. It's a book. I want
(41:52):
somebody to give that to you. So you ask your
bomb and your dad. You don't want it on on.
You want the book Until Today. And that book is
going to give you something to read and reflect on
every single day. All Right, You do that, and you worked.
(42:13):
You work through that book and be okay with where
you are so that you can get to where you're going.
Get clear about your vision and start taking steps toward it.
And don't be trying to date nobody who ain't bringing
nothing to your table and don't give nobody no nookie.
(42:36):
I knew I was gonna get everything I needed from
talking to you, So okay, all right, thank you so much,
bye bye, goodbye. It just comes a time when we
all need to understand and assess why we so desperately
(42:56):
want to be in a relationship. Sometimes you need to
be by yourself, and sometimes you don't want to be
by yourself so badly till you're running into a relationship
to get away from you. That's not gonna work. Why
do we want to be in relationships? What is it
(43:18):
that we're looking for? What is it that we're seeking,
What is it that we think we're gonna get that
we don't already have, because trust me, if you don't
already have it, you're not gonna get it and you're
not gonna find it. That is the hardest concept for
people to understand that if you don't want to be
with you, neither does anybody else. And the minute they
(43:38):
find out they don't want to be with you, they're
gonna go running for the hills. And then you make
it all about them and feeling bad. Why isn't being
with you enough? Because I believe that when being with
you is enough, someone will come to fill your cup
to overflow. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
(44:00):
and if you have a question about this or any
other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now
be sure to follow me on social media for all
of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace
and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
(44:27):
Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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