January 18, 2023 • 40 mins
When two callers join Iyanla for conversations about their problems with family, Iyanla gets to the heart of the issue: Both women are dealing with learned behaviors where they put everyone else’s happiness above their own. The first caller has given up her career, friends and her life across the country to move home and take care of her grandfather, when her mother and aunt live nearby themselves. The second caller believes she has no self-confidence, thinking that her abusive childhood led her to not believe in herself. In two heart-tugging conversations, Iyanla shares the mantra: Your joy is your own responsibility.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with
I Heart Radio. Family Relationships. Family relationships. Family relationships related
(00:48):
by blood, related by mind, related by heart, related by soul,
related by blood, related by heart, related by soul, but
also related by dysfunction, related by habit, related by obligation,
(01:08):
related by the patterns that we saw and heard and
learned by watching other family members. And even when we
can see quite clearly that the patterns that we learned
that the things that we saw don't work for us,
(01:29):
we may not have the knowledge, to strength or the
information required to live beyond the family relationships. And it's
difficult to try to figure out how not to get
hung up on the very same things that you see
other people in your family hung up on. Family relationships.
(01:54):
They're difficult, they're challenging, and they can be healed. It's
gonna take some work, and sometimes it's going to take
your willingness and know that when you do that, they
are going to be in high piosity, but you can survive.
(02:17):
My first caller has a very common family relationship. Take
a listen. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the our spot.
What is your issue, challenge, relationship dilemma that we can
discuss and nibble on today? Good afternoon. UM. My dilemma
(02:38):
is my relationship with like my family, UM, my spouse,
my friends. I feel like I have to do a
lot of people pleasing UM, not necessarily what I want
to do. Not necessarily I'm not able to follow, Like
(02:58):
my life have. I feel like I'm not able to
follow what I want to do as far as UM,
my career goes where I want to live, like they
just I don't know, they're not really allowing me to do.
Tell me what you mean when you say not able
(03:18):
to follow? Um. Three years ago, I relocated from my hometown. UM.
I was pretty successful in my hometown, but it's a
small city, so I kind of felt like I had
reached the ceiling there. So I made a, UM, you know,
a personal decision to relocate to Houston, a place as
(03:39):
much bigger from where I'm from. UM. And once I
moved there, I feel like I became way more happier,
Like I felt like a lot of the weight that
I was carrying being back home, Like I lost my
grandmother back home, and that's who raised me. So I
just felt like I had a lot of weight for
me being back home. I wasn't happy. I wasn't really
(04:00):
happy with the relationship that my family had with one another,
so I wanted to move away from that. I did.
I was happy my business was going more so in
the direction that I wanted it to go, and then
my family called me to return home to help take
care of my grandfather. So I did like that instant.
(04:24):
I didn't think about it. I didn't question everything. I
literally shut down my salon um. I left my other
job that I had in Houston, like I left everything.
I left my my home, my new friends, like everything
that I had made for myself. I just I left it.
Why did you leave everything? Because your family called? Why
(04:49):
did you do that? Well, because my my grandparents raised me.
I wasn't raised by my parents, so I kind of
felt like I was obligated to come back and take
care of my grandfather says he is the person who
raised me. That was the only option you saw is
to leave everything that I built and created and go
(05:09):
back home out of obligation. Yes, who called you my
mother and my eyes? And is that her father? The father? Yes?
And so why didn't they do it? I don't know.
M hmm. Interesting. So, so what exactly is the problem,
because I'm not hearing the problem? Well, I'm I'm just
(05:33):
it's kind of what I already expected since I've come
back home. I'm just I'm not happy. Everything is gone,
like all the the confidence that I had gained being
and and the newer environment, Like I just felt like
everything that I wanted I was finally getting once I left.
(05:54):
Do you understand that you are in the situation you're
in because of the choice that you made, And the
choice that you made was to give up on yourself
or give up on your dream to fulfill an obligation.
Now that was a choice, because you get have brought
your grandfather to where you are. I tried. They wouldn't
(06:18):
allow it. What does that mean you? I've asked you
that question before. They won't allow it. You mean the
people that didn't want to take care of him, the
people that called you, wouldn't allow you to do what
they wouldn't. I don't know. It's hard to explain with
my family, like I'm the one that steps up and
(06:40):
does a lot of things, but at the same time
they don't. I don't know, they don't want to actually
give me credit for the things I do and then
do what I do do things like this move that
I made that was used to me to them is
kind of my notes. Like they look at it like, well, um,
(07:03):
this is where you're from, you know, that's what you
should do, like they kind of they just look at
it dead, like what I have planned in the dings
that I want is not really important to them. Well,
you know, beloved, the things that are important to you
will not be important to anyone else until they are
(07:25):
important to you. And when they are important to you,
then you will make choices that support what's best for you.
Right now, you're turning over your life to other people
and then complaining about it and making them wrong. Yes,
(07:45):
this was your choice, so you turned it over to them.
You want them to think that what you built in
Houston was important when you didn't. You didn't think it
was important enough to stay. You gave it up. They
didn't take it. Yes, man, this role of rescuer, this
role of people pleasing as you say, is that a
(08:08):
role that you volunteered for? The one that you were
assigned a kind of roll. I'm the oldest um as
far as like i'm the oldest child on the oldest grandchild, UM,
I mean being raised by my grandparents. Of course they
were a little older, so that responsibility role, it was
(08:29):
kind of just throw it onto me as a kid,
and I've just I've kept it. But how's that working
for you? Well, it must be because you keep doing it.
It's interesting how roles that we are assigned, or roles
that we volunteered for, and then when we outgrow them,
(08:51):
we don't know how to stand in the new person
that we are. And I kind of hear that's what's
going on for you, that you don't know how to
stand for yourself, so you lean on others and then
when they lean back, you get upset about it. But
here's something, and I really want you to hear this.
(09:14):
I want you to hear this. I want to say
this with as much love and respect as possible. Okay,
and always know I'm never talking about anybody from a
judgmental place, but I just want to bring Sometimes you
need a little cold water in your face. You're ready
for a little dash of cold water. Okay, your mother
(09:38):
didn't raise you, and now she's asking you to take
care of her father. Does that make sense to you? Oh,
but you volunteered to participate. Yes, I heard you say
that growing up, you had to take care of the
kids and you had to take care of the household.
(10:02):
So your primary responsibility was to other people. Yeah, And
how does that make you feel? That your primary responsibility
in your life is to other people? How does that
make you feel? Um? Sometimes I feel good because I
(10:24):
know that I am helping others, But a lot of
times I just feel empty, like I just feel like
I'm not doing anything for me. Well, you can't if
other people are more important in your life than you are.
And it sounds like you never grew the muscle of
(10:46):
taking care of you. You were programmed in patterned to
take care of other people. We could talk forever, but
if you're not willing to do something different, you're gonna
stay right where you are. So I want you to
hear this, and then I want you to tell me
what you're willing to do about If you don't enjoy
your life, other people will. We'll talk more about it
(11:10):
when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot.
We are continuing our conversation about the fact that other
people are enjoying your life more than you are. And
(11:30):
don't hear me saying you gotta abandon your grandfather, but
there are so many other possibilities. What are you willing
to do about the fact that other people are enjoying
your life more than you are because of the choices
you have made. I believe the thing I need to
do is starting uh huh. You're living the classic example
(11:58):
of if you don't have a strong no, you will
have a week yes if you say if you don't
say no to the things you don't want, you won't
be able to stand in the things that you do want.
So you didn't say no when you were summoned back home,
and now you can't stand in being back home and
(12:19):
doing what you agreed to do. So there's a very
important skill that you have to learn here and I
it's gonna take some work, and that is renegotiating the agreement.
Renegotiating the agreement. You made an agreement to come back
(12:39):
home and care for your grandfather. You did it out
of obligation, not out of desire. So now everyone is
brought into this agreement that you made that you'll do it.
How can you renegotiate that agreement? I'm trying. I'll give you, guys,
(13:00):
is a year and then you know, I need to
return back to where I was, and that's kind of
where it's stuck at. You know. As soon as I
get to that, then I'm hidden with all that. You know, Well,
we just don't understand why you don't want to be here.
It's not that bad and because I don't want to
be looked as why not? Why don't you want to
(13:21):
be looked at as a bad guy? Bad guys pay taxes,
bad guy's brust their teeth, Bad guys can make money.
Bad guys can do everything everybody else can do. Because
you you are do any of the people that you're
talking to have a business. People will hold you to
the vision that they have of you and for you,
(13:44):
and then get mad at you when you try to
live beyond that. Yes, and I feel like that's exactly
what has happened. So what are you willing to do
about it? That's the question. You you know, exactly what
the situation is you've volunteered for the position of taking
(14:04):
care of people. You have given them the right to
limit and structure your life. You've made an agreement that
you are unable or unwilling to keep and and this
is huge, this is huge. You are the one who
(14:24):
made it out, and the one who makes it out
carries a lot of guilt because I'm not going to
tell you that they're wrong and you're right. I'm not
telling you that. I'm telling you that you gave them
permission and you participate and other people making choices for
(14:44):
you in your life. You did that. So the only
way to undo it is for you to make some
new choices. Right, I think amazing I need to do
is prize like I would do it again, to be
honest with everybody about what it is. Well, part of
(15:07):
it is stop explaining yourself. That's the first step. This
is what I'm doing, and I'm doing it for me.
I don't need your approval. I'd love your support, but
I'm gonna do it one way or the other. You
don't need their approval. At thirty three years old, you're
in the critical time of your life. It's the christ
(15:31):
years where you get to make choices and decisions for
your hiring greater good. You do not need their approval
because a family tree, you can put a noose around
your neck, Yes, and you either get to jump off
the ledge and hang yourself or you get to take
(15:51):
the noose off. But you've got to be willing. It
may not happen, but you have to be willing to
lose everything in order to gain yourself. And and it's
hard to say that when you're talking about family, but
I'm gonna say to you again, you volunteered for this role,
(16:12):
You voluntarily participated in it. You made choices that allowed
them to enjoy your life more than you enjoy it.
You are the one that made it out. And now
you're allowing guilt to call you bad. It doesn't matter
what it used to be. You used to be a
hundred pounds heavier than you are now. Yes, do you
(16:36):
want to pick that hundred pounds back up? Well you
already did you already you picked up your grandfather, you
picked up your mother, you picked up your aunt, you
picked up the rest of the family. Because you don't
want to be the bad guy bad. Do you have
a red dress? Do you have a really fancy, I
mean deliciously gorgeous red dress. You know you need to
(17:01):
get one. You need to get one because bad guys
wear red color. And I'm ahold of good thought for you. Okay, alright, love,
thank you for calling. Best of luck to you, Bye
bye bye. Sometimes I think that people have an allergy
(17:27):
to the truth. If you tell people the truth of
what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're seeing, they
just can't hear it, can't receive it. And sometimes in
our relationships, there's a truth that we need to tell,
the truth that we need to speak, but we're afraid.
(17:48):
She calls it people pleasing, she calls it, They won't.
She calls it. I can't, they won't let me. But
the truth of the matter is it's simply a family
path done that she's been taught and trained to live
in and live up to. And she doesn't have the
muscle to do something different, not yet. Oh but all
(18:12):
things are possible, And my next caller is learning all
about family habits. Take a listen, greetings, beloved, welcome to
the art spot, And what is your relationship trauma difficulty
problem upset breakdown? So that we can have a breakthrough today. Okay, first,
let me just say it's her honor speaking with you.
(18:35):
Thank you. So my issue with self doubt and self confidence,
it's just the fact that I'm filled with self doubt
and I have no self confidence. I think it comes
from the trauma that I experienced in my life, like
my family, which is filled of like violence and just
(18:55):
like both physical and like verbal abuse. And when I
was very young, they put a lot of responsibility on
me to be the mediator in the family, to be
the soother and the family, to be the nurturer and
the family, and it felt like I wasn't seen or
heard unless I was doing exactly what they wanted me
to do, and if I wasn't, it was as if
(19:17):
I didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter, what I thought
didn't matter. And so as I've grown, it's just become
a situation of just like I don't know what direction
my life should go based on what I want and
what I feel, and any time I have like, Okay,
this is what I want, it's like everyone around me
just like you're not going to be able to do it.
(19:37):
You're you know, you're not going to be to stefful
with that, and it's like I just crumble and I
don't know what to do with that. I heard you
say that you have no self confidence. Is that accurate? Yes?
I want to challenge that. I believe you have absolute
confidence in the fact that you will fail. Yes. Would
(19:58):
that be accurate? So it's not that you don't have confidence,
it's just that you're putting it in the wrong place.
You're putting it in the pattern that you learned, You're
putting it in the pathology that you live. So now
you are doing to yourself the very things that you
(20:21):
hold that they did to you. Can you see that? Yeah? Yeah,
So the same dysfunctional people that put you or supported
you in being in the place that you're in, why
(20:43):
would you discuss with them your vision and dreams for
yourself knowing that that's not how they see you. Why
do you want their validation? Why do you want their support?
What will it do for you? The people that expose
you to violence, physical, an emotional trauma and abuse, why
do you want their support. I'm not saying you you
(21:05):
shouldn't want it, I'm just asking you why do you
want it? Um? I don't know, I don't know. I
guess because then I guess I'm so worthy, like I
I'm drawing a blank. I really don't know. What I
just want to support you in doing is getting to
(21:26):
the root. Getting to the root, because what happens is
we get a thought and we think it over and over,
even when we don't know that we're thinking it. We
think it over and over, and then it gets rooted
in the soil of our minds, and then it grows
(21:48):
into a flower or a tree, or a bush or weeds.
And you know, weeds kill off everything. They travel through
the through the ground and the earth, and they'll kill
off everything. So I think that you are war to
ring weeds. Let's see if we can break down and
uproot some of the things that you say. Okay, okay, okay,
(22:10):
we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to
the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You said.
I was taught family is the most important thing. How
(22:32):
do you define family? I define family as the people
who know you best. I mean the people that keep
telling you you can't do what you wanna do, the
people who are telling you that you're fail in your
dreams and your wishes because they know you best, the
(22:54):
ones that subjected you to emotional, psychological, physical abuse. Those
are to people who know you best. No, they don't.
But that's what you're saying. Have they taken the time
to know you? No, not me. Have they taken the
time to find out what's important to you? So let
(23:18):
me give you a definition of family, because I think
very often we think of family with some illustrious, almost
magical thinking. Okay, a family are the descendants of a
common ancestor. That's what family is. People united by blood,
(23:44):
born one from another from a common ancestor. So on
your father's line, on your mother's line, those two lines
came together, and then you have a common ancestor with
your father, your grandfather father. You know, your father, his father,
his father's father, his father's father. There's a common ancestor.
(24:06):
There's nothing in the description of family that says you
have to support each other, that you need their validation,
that you uh can't move without them, that you're obligated
to stay with them. There's nothing in the definition of
family that says anything about that. You It's two or
(24:29):
more people related by birth, marriage, or adoption who lived together.
That's it, and share a common ancestor. Right, So this
whole notion of you need their support and they've got
that they have to support you number one, that they
should support you, number two, that they will support you
(24:52):
number three, that's something that we made up, okay, And
we'd like it to be that they support us, that
they encourage us, that they uplift us. But when they
start out subjecting themselves and us to physical, emotional, psychological
(25:13):
trauma and abuse, chances are that unless everybody does the work,
that's not gonna change. I've told this story over and over,
but I'm gonna tell you because it might be helpful.
So to everybody everybody else is listening that's heard it,
please forgive me. My brother was an alcoholic and a
(25:34):
drug addict from the time he was sixteen years old,
and he he because we two were subjected to psychological
an emotional trauma and our home. I was subjected to
physical abuse both personally, meaning I was physically abused, and
(25:58):
I grew up in the household where it was domestic violence.
And so I really, through the grace of God's source,
creator just I was able to live beyond that. He
drowned it his pain and drugs and alcohol and he
(26:19):
wanted me to do that with him. He wanted to
tell the same old story about how bad it was,
how horrible it was, what they did to him, what
they did to us, blah blah blah. And I had
done my work and I just wasn't there. And one
day I found the courage. I don't know, must have
been in my toe nail. I found the courage to
(26:43):
say to him, I don't I'm not gonna talk about
that no more. I don't want to talk about that.
I don't see it that way, I don't feel it
that way. I don't live it that way. And if
you want to continue talking about how bad it was
back then, it's not going on now. So I don't
want to talk about it if it's not going on now.
And he said to me, you are so stupid. I said, well,
(27:06):
if that's how you feel, then we don't have to talk.
And he said okay and hung up. And I didn't
talk to my brother for five years, five long years.
This was my oldest brother, my hero, my big brother.
But in that five years, I made a commitment to
myself to live beyond the dysfunction that I have been
(27:29):
taught to live beyond it, and even if it cost
me my relationship with my brother, I wanted more for myself.
And it's not easy because I lost him, I lost
my nephews, I lost, you know, my only tie to
(27:51):
my family because our parents were dead. Right. The thing
that I learned in that is that I was so
wedded or married to the belief that it couldn't get better,
that I couldn't see the ways that it could. Yeah,
(28:14):
and that's exactly where I am right now, and somehow
through grace and mercy, you know, It's like, one of
the reasons my brother could continuously do drugs and alcohol
was because he hung out with people who did drugs
and alcohol. And one of the reasons I continued to
hurt was because I hung out with people who were hurting.
(28:37):
And when I stopped, when I stopped hanging out with
people who were hurting, I stopped hurting. It was magic.
And it's not going to be easy. It's not going
to be easy, and they are not going to agree
with you, and it's okay if they don't, because the greatest,
(29:02):
the greatest, I don't want to say the word revenge,
but the greatest thing you can do is demonstrate to
yourself and them that it doesn't have to be that way.
You've got to demonstrate that. And they're not going to
agree with you, and they may not support you, and
it's not going to be easy, and that's okay. You
(29:25):
must be ready. Otherwise you wouldn't be calling me because
I'm gonna give it to you straight, no chaser, and
I appreciate it. Tell me what scares you about that?
Tell me what frightens you about what you're hearing me say? What? Uh?
It's not being alone, it's being without them. You won't
(29:49):
be alone. It's being people on the planet. Some of
them want to know you. It's not being alone, it's
being without them. Okay, because being with them is something
that you said earlier, which is a habit. And habits
are hard to break, beloved, Habits are hard to break,
(30:11):
they really are, but they can be broken. So you
have a habit of not being supported. You have a
habit of not being heard. You have a habit of
not being seen. You have a habit of not having
what you want to the degree that you don't even
believe that what you want is important. You have a
(30:33):
habit of not being important. You have a habit of
not mattering. So those are habits. Well, you know, as
a coach, what I would say to you, the first
way you have to go about breaking a habit is
to avoid tempting situations, the situations that will tempt you
(30:56):
to do the very thing you've always done. So when
you said, when you I try to tell them what
I want, they tell me you can't do that. You'll
never do that. So you have to avoid that situation
of telling them what you want. That's the first thing,
because that's an unhealthy behavior. The second thing you have
to do is you have to prepare yourself mentally for
(31:20):
the worst possible scenario. And we can do that right now. Okay, Okay,
so let's let's go here. In order for you to
stand up for yourself, to grow self value, self worth,
and self confidence, you will have to step away from
(31:43):
from your family. Okay, Okay, take a breath. So I
want you to say this with me, repeated and completed. Okay,
I'm gonna give you a stem of a sentence. I
want you to repeat that stem and then completed with
the first thought that comes up in your mind. And
(32:04):
it doesn't have to make sense, don't don't try to
make it make sense, Okay, If I step away from
my family, say that. If I step away from my family,
what will happen is? What will happen is? I will
learn to stand on my own. And if I learned
(32:27):
to stand on my own, and if I learned to
stand on my own, what will happen is? What will
happen is I could actually be happy. And if I'm happy,
what will happen is? And if I'm happy, but what
(32:50):
happen is, I'll grow? And if I grow, what will
happen is? And if I grow, what what happened is?
I can be what I choose to be and not
what others want me to be. And if I'm not
(33:11):
what others want me to be, say that. And if
I'm not what others want me to be, what will
happen is? What what happen is I'll have to figure
out what I want to be. And if I figure
out what I want to be, what what happen is?
I'll have to actually do it. Ah, And if I
(33:35):
actually have to do what I want to do, I
will have any excuses. And if I don't have any excuses,
and if I don't have any excuses. What will happen
is I will have to take responsibility for my life. Yeah,
and that scares the be Jesus side of you because
(33:59):
you've never been responsible for your life. You've been responsible
to them and for them, and you've gotten beaten up
about the things that they failed at. Would that be accurate? Yes? Good,
(34:19):
good for you because another way, another thing that you
have to do to break a habit is tell the
absolute truth. And there's some truth that you just spoke
that I want to bring to your awareness that I'm
afraid to take responsibility for my life, so I give
(34:40):
myself excuses not to rather than run the risk of failing,
because they have told you that you'll fail, and that's
where you put your confidence in your failing. Yes, ma'am.
So to break this habit of being irresponded p ssible,
(35:01):
because that's what it is. To break the habit of
giving yourself excuses for not taking full responsibility for your power,
for your choices, for your greatness. You've got to avoid
tempting situations. That means the people you've got to prepare
yourself mentally. You've got to tell yourself the absolute truth.
(35:26):
You have to know what your triggers are how do
they trigger you? And see, these are all muscles like
in your mind that you have to build. And you've
got to exchange every bad habit for good habits. So
if you have a habit of talking to them about
what you're doing, switch that and don't say anything. Put
(35:47):
it in your journal, find a friend, get a coach,
get a mentor talk to them about it. Okay, you've
you've got to know that you'll slip back and forth.
But when you catch yourself slipping, shift, shift, and you've
(36:08):
got to reward yourself for every small step. This is
a small step speaking to someone outside the inner circle
who's going to tell you something different. Yeah, celebrate that
you did a good thing. You did a good thing.
(36:29):
I want you to write this down. My choices mm hmm.
My power, my joy are my responsibility. My choices, my power,
my joy are my responsibility. Not my mother's not, my
father's not, my brother's not, my grandmother not my auntie.
(36:53):
My my choices, my power, my joy are my responsibility,
even when my family doesn't agree. Help tell me what
you hear me saying. Tell me what you hear me saying.
I hear you say that my choices, my power and
(37:18):
my joy on my responsibility to take care of myself,
and I can't make anyone else responsible for me. You
hear very well. I'm trying to set a plan of
vision for yourself. How do you want to be different
(37:40):
a year from now? And write those things down and
tell your friend about them. I could do that. Give
yourself time, don't rush, don't rush, take your time and
celebrate every little victory and prepare yourself for all of
them to be piste off with you, and know that
(38:02):
it won't kill him. Pisosity has never killed anybody. Yes, ma'am,
thank you so much. Al right, my love, good luck
to you. Give me a call maybe in about three
months and let me know how you're doing. I will,
bye bye. I think the only thing that's harder to
(38:24):
break than a family pattern is a family habit. Habits
are hard to break, but they can be broken. They
can be broken with honesty. The first thing you have
to do is let yourself know this is a habit,
and this is how the habit operates, and this is
how I enroll other people to participate in the habit
(38:47):
for me. Family habits, they exist in every family. Sometimes
we call them tradition. Sometimes we call them responsibility. Responsibility,
Your joy, your peace, your power, your choices are your responsibility,
regardless of what's going on in your family as of today,
(39:09):
your joy is your job. Your joy is your job,
and you've got to work on it eight hours a day,
forty hours a week, and your pay will be freedom.
I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
(39:30):
you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
you can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
(39:56):
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with
I Heart Radio. Family Relationships. Family relationships. Family relationships related
(00:48):
by blood, related by mind, related by heart, related by soul,
related by blood, related by heart, related by soul, but
also related by dysfunction, related by habit, related by obligation,
(01:08):
related by the patterns that we saw and heard and
learned by watching other family members. And even when we
can see quite clearly that the patterns that we learned
that the things that we saw don't work for us,
(01:29):
we may not have the knowledge, to strength or the
information required to live beyond the family relationships. And it's
difficult to try to figure out how not to get
hung up on the very same things that you see
other people in your family hung up on. Family relationships.
(01:54):
They're difficult, they're challenging, and they can be healed. It's
gonna take some work, and sometimes it's going to take
your willingness and know that when you do that, they
are going to be in high piosity, but you can survive.
(02:17):
My first caller has a very common family relationship. Take
a listen. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the our spot.
What is your issue, challenge, relationship dilemma that we can
discuss and nibble on today? Good afternoon. UM. My dilemma
(02:38):
is my relationship with like my family, UM, my spouse,
my friends. I feel like I have to do a
lot of people pleasing UM, not necessarily what I want
to do. Not necessarily I'm not able to follow, Like
(02:58):
my life have. I feel like I'm not able to
follow what I want to do as far as UM,
my career goes where I want to live, like they
just I don't know, they're not really allowing me to do.
Tell me what you mean when you say not able
(03:18):
to follow? Um. Three years ago, I relocated from my hometown. UM.
I was pretty successful in my hometown, but it's a
small city, so I kind of felt like I had
reached the ceiling there. So I made a, UM, you know,
a personal decision to relocate to Houston, a place as
(03:39):
much bigger from where I'm from. UM. And once I
moved there, I feel like I became way more happier,
Like I felt like a lot of the weight that
I was carrying being back home, Like I lost my
grandmother back home, and that's who raised me. So I
just felt like I had a lot of weight for
me being back home. I wasn't happy. I wasn't really
(04:00):
happy with the relationship that my family had with one another,
so I wanted to move away from that. I did.
I was happy my business was going more so in
the direction that I wanted it to go, and then
my family called me to return home to help take
care of my grandfather. So I did like that instant.
(04:24):
I didn't think about it. I didn't question everything. I
literally shut down my salon um. I left my other
job that I had in Houston, like I left everything.
I left my my home, my new friends, like everything
that I had made for myself. I just I left it.
Why did you leave everything? Because your family called? Why
(04:49):
did you do that? Well, because my my grandparents raised me.
I wasn't raised by my parents, so I kind of
felt like I was obligated to come back and take
care of my grandfather says he is the person who
raised me. That was the only option you saw is
to leave everything that I built and created and go
(05:09):
back home out of obligation. Yes, who called you my
mother and my eyes? And is that her father? The father? Yes?
And so why didn't they do it? I don't know.
M hmm. Interesting. So, so what exactly is the problem,
because I'm not hearing the problem? Well, I'm I'm just
(05:33):
it's kind of what I already expected since I've come
back home. I'm just I'm not happy. Everything is gone,
like all the the confidence that I had gained being
and and the newer environment, Like I just felt like
everything that I wanted I was finally getting once I left.
(05:54):
Do you understand that you are in the situation you're
in because of the choice that you made, And the
choice that you made was to give up on yourself
or give up on your dream to fulfill an obligation.
Now that was a choice, because you get have brought
your grandfather to where you are. I tried. They wouldn't
(06:18):
allow it. What does that mean you? I've asked you
that question before. They won't allow it. You mean the
people that didn't want to take care of him, the
people that called you, wouldn't allow you to do what
they wouldn't. I don't know. It's hard to explain with
my family, like I'm the one that steps up and
(06:40):
does a lot of things, but at the same time
they don't. I don't know, they don't want to actually
give me credit for the things I do and then
do what I do do things like this move that
I made that was used to me to them is
kind of my notes. Like they look at it like, well, um,
(07:03):
this is where you're from, you know, that's what you
should do, like they kind of they just look at
it dead, like what I have planned in the dings
that I want is not really important to them. Well,
you know, beloved, the things that are important to you
will not be important to anyone else until they are
(07:25):
important to you. And when they are important to you,
then you will make choices that support what's best for you.
Right now, you're turning over your life to other people
and then complaining about it and making them wrong. Yes,
(07:45):
this was your choice, so you turned it over to them.
You want them to think that what you built in
Houston was important when you didn't. You didn't think it
was important enough to stay. You gave it up. They
didn't take it. Yes, man, this role of rescuer, this
role of people pleasing as you say, is that a
(08:08):
role that you volunteered for? The one that you were
assigned a kind of roll. I'm the oldest um as
far as like i'm the oldest child on the oldest grandchild, UM,
I mean being raised by my grandparents. Of course they
were a little older, so that responsibility role, it was
(08:29):
kind of just throw it onto me as a kid,
and I've just I've kept it. But how's that working
for you? Well, it must be because you keep doing it.
It's interesting how roles that we are assigned, or roles
that we volunteered for, and then when we outgrow them,
(08:51):
we don't know how to stand in the new person
that we are. And I kind of hear that's what's
going on for you, that you don't know how to
stand for yourself, so you lean on others and then
when they lean back, you get upset about it. But
here's something, and I really want you to hear this.
(09:14):
I want you to hear this. I want to say
this with as much love and respect as possible. Okay,
and always know I'm never talking about anybody from a
judgmental place, but I just want to bring Sometimes you
need a little cold water in your face. You're ready
for a little dash of cold water. Okay, your mother
(09:38):
didn't raise you, and now she's asking you to take
care of her father. Does that make sense to you? Oh,
but you volunteered to participate. Yes, I heard you say
that growing up, you had to take care of the
kids and you had to take care of the household.
(10:02):
So your primary responsibility was to other people. Yeah, And
how does that make you feel? That your primary responsibility
in your life is to other people? How does that
make you feel? Um? Sometimes I feel good because I
(10:24):
know that I am helping others, But a lot of
times I just feel empty, like I just feel like
I'm not doing anything for me. Well, you can't if
other people are more important in your life than you are.
And it sounds like you never grew the muscle of
(10:46):
taking care of you. You were programmed in patterned to
take care of other people. We could talk forever, but
if you're not willing to do something different, you're gonna
stay right where you are. So I want you to
hear this, and then I want you to tell me
what you're willing to do about If you don't enjoy
your life, other people will. We'll talk more about it
(11:10):
when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot.
We are continuing our conversation about the fact that other
people are enjoying your life more than you are. And
(11:30):
don't hear me saying you gotta abandon your grandfather, but
there are so many other possibilities. What are you willing
to do about the fact that other people are enjoying
your life more than you are because of the choices
you have made. I believe the thing I need to
do is starting uh huh. You're living the classic example
(11:58):
of if you don't have a strong no, you will
have a week yes if you say if you don't
say no to the things you don't want, you won't
be able to stand in the things that you do want.
So you didn't say no when you were summoned back home,
and now you can't stand in being back home and
(12:19):
doing what you agreed to do. So there's a very
important skill that you have to learn here and I
it's gonna take some work, and that is renegotiating the agreement.
Renegotiating the agreement. You made an agreement to come back
(12:39):
home and care for your grandfather. You did it out
of obligation, not out of desire. So now everyone is
brought into this agreement that you made that you'll do it.
How can you renegotiate that agreement? I'm trying. I'll give you, guys,
(13:00):
is a year and then you know, I need to
return back to where I was, and that's kind of
where it's stuck at. You know. As soon as I
get to that, then I'm hidden with all that. You know, Well,
we just don't understand why you don't want to be here.
It's not that bad and because I don't want to
be looked as why not? Why don't you want to
(13:21):
be looked at as a bad guy? Bad guys pay taxes,
bad guy's brust their teeth, Bad guys can make money.
Bad guys can do everything everybody else can do. Because
you you are do any of the people that you're
talking to have a business. People will hold you to
the vision that they have of you and for you,
(13:44):
and then get mad at you when you try to
live beyond that. Yes, and I feel like that's exactly
what has happened. So what are you willing to do
about it? That's the question. You you know, exactly what
the situation is you've volunteered for the position of taking
(14:04):
care of people. You have given them the right to
limit and structure your life. You've made an agreement that
you are unable or unwilling to keep and and this
is huge, this is huge. You are the one who
(14:24):
made it out, and the one who makes it out
carries a lot of guilt because I'm not going to
tell you that they're wrong and you're right. I'm not
telling you that. I'm telling you that you gave them
permission and you participate and other people making choices for
(14:44):
you in your life. You did that. So the only
way to undo it is for you to make some
new choices. Right, I think amazing I need to do
is prize like I would do it again, to be
honest with everybody about what it is. Well, part of
(15:07):
it is stop explaining yourself. That's the first step. This
is what I'm doing, and I'm doing it for me.
I don't need your approval. I'd love your support, but
I'm gonna do it one way or the other. You
don't need their approval. At thirty three years old, you're
in the critical time of your life. It's the christ
(15:31):
years where you get to make choices and decisions for
your hiring greater good. You do not need their approval
because a family tree, you can put a noose around
your neck, Yes, and you either get to jump off
the ledge and hang yourself or you get to take
(15:51):
the noose off. But you've got to be willing. It
may not happen, but you have to be willing to
lose everything in order to gain yourself. And and it's
hard to say that when you're talking about family, but
I'm gonna say to you again, you volunteered for this role,
(16:12):
You voluntarily participated in it. You made choices that allowed
them to enjoy your life more than you enjoy it.
You are the one that made it out. And now
you're allowing guilt to call you bad. It doesn't matter
what it used to be. You used to be a
hundred pounds heavier than you are now. Yes, do you
(16:36):
want to pick that hundred pounds back up? Well you
already did you already you picked up your grandfather, you
picked up your mother, you picked up your aunt, you
picked up the rest of the family. Because you don't
want to be the bad guy bad. Do you have
a red dress? Do you have a really fancy, I
mean deliciously gorgeous red dress. You know you need to
(17:01):
get one. You need to get one because bad guys
wear red color. And I'm ahold of good thought for you. Okay, alright, love,
thank you for calling. Best of luck to you, Bye
bye bye. Sometimes I think that people have an allergy
(17:27):
to the truth. If you tell people the truth of
what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're seeing, they
just can't hear it, can't receive it. And sometimes in
our relationships, there's a truth that we need to tell,
the truth that we need to speak, but we're afraid.
(17:48):
She calls it people pleasing, she calls it, They won't.
She calls it. I can't, they won't let me. But
the truth of the matter is it's simply a family
path done that she's been taught and trained to live
in and live up to. And she doesn't have the
muscle to do something different, not yet. Oh but all
(18:12):
things are possible, And my next caller is learning all
about family habits. Take a listen, greetings, beloved, welcome to
the art spot, And what is your relationship trauma difficulty
problem upset breakdown? So that we can have a breakthrough today. Okay, first,
let me just say it's her honor speaking with you.
(18:35):
Thank you. So my issue with self doubt and self confidence,
it's just the fact that I'm filled with self doubt
and I have no self confidence. I think it comes
from the trauma that I experienced in my life, like
my family, which is filled of like violence and just
(18:55):
like both physical and like verbal abuse. And when I
was very young, they put a lot of responsibility on
me to be the mediator in the family, to be
the soother and the family, to be the nurturer and
the family, and it felt like I wasn't seen or
heard unless I was doing exactly what they wanted me
to do, and if I wasn't, it was as if
(19:17):
I didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter, what I thought
didn't matter. And so as I've grown, it's just become
a situation of just like I don't know what direction
my life should go based on what I want and
what I feel, and any time I have like, Okay,
this is what I want, it's like everyone around me
just like you're not going to be able to do it.
(19:37):
You're you know, you're not going to be to stefful
with that, and it's like I just crumble and I
don't know what to do with that. I heard you
say that you have no self confidence. Is that accurate? Yes?
I want to challenge that. I believe you have absolute
confidence in the fact that you will fail. Yes. Would
(19:58):
that be accurate? So it's not that you don't have confidence,
it's just that you're putting it in the wrong place.
You're putting it in the pattern that you learned, You're
putting it in the pathology that you live. So now
you are doing to yourself the very things that you
(20:21):
hold that they did to you. Can you see that? Yeah? Yeah,
So the same dysfunctional people that put you or supported
you in being in the place that you're in, why
(20:43):
would you discuss with them your vision and dreams for
yourself knowing that that's not how they see you. Why
do you want their validation? Why do you want their support?
What will it do for you? The people that expose
you to violence, physical, an emotional trauma and abuse, why
do you want their support. I'm not saying you you
(21:05):
shouldn't want it, I'm just asking you why do you
want it? Um? I don't know, I don't know. I
guess because then I guess I'm so worthy, like I
I'm drawing a blank. I really don't know. What I
just want to support you in doing is getting to
(21:26):
the root. Getting to the root, because what happens is
we get a thought and we think it over and over,
even when we don't know that we're thinking it. We
think it over and over, and then it gets rooted
in the soil of our minds, and then it grows
(21:48):
into a flower or a tree, or a bush or weeds.
And you know, weeds kill off everything. They travel through
the through the ground and the earth, and they'll kill
off everything. So I think that you are war to
ring weeds. Let's see if we can break down and
uproot some of the things that you say. Okay, okay, okay,
(22:10):
we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to
the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You said.
I was taught family is the most important thing. How
(22:32):
do you define family? I define family as the people
who know you best. I mean the people that keep
telling you you can't do what you wanna do, the
people who are telling you that you're fail in your
dreams and your wishes because they know you best, the
(22:54):
ones that subjected you to emotional, psychological, physical abuse. Those
are to people who know you best. No, they don't.
But that's what you're saying. Have they taken the time
to know you? No, not me. Have they taken the
time to find out what's important to you? So let
(23:18):
me give you a definition of family, because I think
very often we think of family with some illustrious, almost
magical thinking. Okay, a family are the descendants of a
common ancestor. That's what family is. People united by blood,
(23:44):
born one from another from a common ancestor. So on
your father's line, on your mother's line, those two lines
came together, and then you have a common ancestor with
your father, your grandfather father. You know, your father, his father,
his father's father, his father's father. There's a common ancestor.
(24:06):
There's nothing in the description of family that says you
have to support each other, that you need their validation,
that you uh can't move without them, that you're obligated
to stay with them. There's nothing in the definition of
family that says anything about that. You It's two or
(24:29):
more people related by birth, marriage, or adoption who lived together.
That's it, and share a common ancestor. Right, So this
whole notion of you need their support and they've got
that they have to support you number one, that they
should support you, number two, that they will support you
(24:52):
number three, that's something that we made up, okay, And
we'd like it to be that they support us, that
they encourage us, that they uplift us. But when they
start out subjecting themselves and us to physical, emotional, psychological
(25:13):
trauma and abuse, chances are that unless everybody does the work,
that's not gonna change. I've told this story over and over,
but I'm gonna tell you because it might be helpful.
So to everybody everybody else is listening that's heard it,
please forgive me. My brother was an alcoholic and a
(25:34):
drug addict from the time he was sixteen years old,
and he he because we two were subjected to psychological
an emotional trauma and our home. I was subjected to
physical abuse both personally, meaning I was physically abused, and
(25:58):
I grew up in the household where it was domestic violence.
And so I really, through the grace of God's source,
creator just I was able to live beyond that. He
drowned it his pain and drugs and alcohol and he
(26:19):
wanted me to do that with him. He wanted to
tell the same old story about how bad it was,
how horrible it was, what they did to him, what
they did to us, blah blah blah. And I had
done my work and I just wasn't there. And one
day I found the courage. I don't know, must have
been in my toe nail. I found the courage to
(26:43):
say to him, I don't I'm not gonna talk about
that no more. I don't want to talk about that.
I don't see it that way, I don't feel it
that way. I don't live it that way. And if
you want to continue talking about how bad it was
back then, it's not going on now. So I don't
want to talk about it if it's not going on now.
And he said to me, you are so stupid. I said, well,
(27:06):
if that's how you feel, then we don't have to talk.
And he said okay and hung up. And I didn't
talk to my brother for five years, five long years.
This was my oldest brother, my hero, my big brother.
But in that five years, I made a commitment to
myself to live beyond the dysfunction that I have been
(27:29):
taught to live beyond it, and even if it cost
me my relationship with my brother, I wanted more for myself.
And it's not easy because I lost him, I lost
my nephews, I lost, you know, my only tie to
(27:51):
my family because our parents were dead. Right. The thing
that I learned in that is that I was so
wedded or married to the belief that it couldn't get better,
that I couldn't see the ways that it could. Yeah,
(28:14):
and that's exactly where I am right now, and somehow
through grace and mercy, you know, It's like, one of
the reasons my brother could continuously do drugs and alcohol
was because he hung out with people who did drugs
and alcohol. And one of the reasons I continued to
hurt was because I hung out with people who were hurting.
(28:37):
And when I stopped, when I stopped hanging out with
people who were hurting, I stopped hurting. It was magic.
And it's not going to be easy. It's not going
to be easy, and they are not going to agree
with you, and it's okay if they don't, because the greatest,
(29:02):
the greatest, I don't want to say the word revenge,
but the greatest thing you can do is demonstrate to
yourself and them that it doesn't have to be that way.
You've got to demonstrate that. And they're not going to
agree with you, and they may not support you, and
it's not going to be easy, and that's okay. You
(29:25):
must be ready. Otherwise you wouldn't be calling me because
I'm gonna give it to you straight, no chaser, and
I appreciate it. Tell me what scares you about that?
Tell me what frightens you about what you're hearing me say? What? Uh?
It's not being alone, it's being without them. You won't
(29:49):
be alone. It's being people on the planet. Some of
them want to know you. It's not being alone, it's
being without them. Okay, because being with them is something
that you said earlier, which is a habit. And habits
are hard to break, beloved, Habits are hard to break,
(30:11):
they really are, but they can be broken. So you
have a habit of not being supported. You have a
habit of not being heard. You have a habit of
not being seen. You have a habit of not having
what you want to the degree that you don't even
believe that what you want is important. You have a
(30:33):
habit of not being important. You have a habit of
not mattering. So those are habits. Well, you know, as
a coach, what I would say to you, the first
way you have to go about breaking a habit is
to avoid tempting situations, the situations that will tempt you
(30:56):
to do the very thing you've always done. So when
you said, when you I try to tell them what
I want, they tell me you can't do that. You'll
never do that. So you have to avoid that situation
of telling them what you want. That's the first thing,
because that's an unhealthy behavior. The second thing you have
to do is you have to prepare yourself mentally for
(31:20):
the worst possible scenario. And we can do that right now. Okay, Okay,
so let's let's go here. In order for you to
stand up for yourself, to grow self value, self worth,
and self confidence, you will have to step away from
(31:43):
from your family. Okay, Okay, take a breath. So I
want you to say this with me, repeated and completed. Okay,
I'm gonna give you a stem of a sentence. I
want you to repeat that stem and then completed with
the first thought that comes up in your mind. And
(32:04):
it doesn't have to make sense, don't don't try to
make it make sense, Okay, If I step away from
my family, say that. If I step away from my family,
what will happen is? What will happen is? I will
learn to stand on my own. And if I learned
(32:27):
to stand on my own, and if I learned to
stand on my own, what will happen is? What will
happen is I could actually be happy. And if I'm happy,
what will happen is? And if I'm happy, but what
(32:50):
happen is, I'll grow? And if I grow, what will
happen is? And if I grow, what what happened is?
I can be what I choose to be and not
what others want me to be. And if I'm not
(33:11):
what others want me to be, say that. And if
I'm not what others want me to be, what will
happen is? What what happen is I'll have to figure
out what I want to be. And if I figure
out what I want to be, what what happen is?
I'll have to actually do it. Ah, And if I
(33:35):
actually have to do what I want to do, I
will have any excuses. And if I don't have any excuses,
and if I don't have any excuses. What will happen
is I will have to take responsibility for my life. Yeah,
and that scares the be Jesus side of you because
(33:59):
you've never been responsible for your life. You've been responsible
to them and for them, and you've gotten beaten up
about the things that they failed at. Would that be accurate? Yes? Good,
(34:19):
good for you because another way, another thing that you
have to do to break a habit is tell the
absolute truth. And there's some truth that you just spoke
that I want to bring to your awareness that I'm
afraid to take responsibility for my life, so I give
(34:40):
myself excuses not to rather than run the risk of failing,
because they have told you that you'll fail, and that's
where you put your confidence in your failing. Yes, ma'am.
So to break this habit of being irresponded p ssible,
(35:01):
because that's what it is. To break the habit of
giving yourself excuses for not taking full responsibility for your power,
for your choices, for your greatness. You've got to avoid
tempting situations. That means the people you've got to prepare
yourself mentally. You've got to tell yourself the absolute truth.
(35:26):
You have to know what your triggers are how do
they trigger you? And see, these are all muscles like
in your mind that you have to build. And you've
got to exchange every bad habit for good habits. So
if you have a habit of talking to them about
what you're doing, switch that and don't say anything. Put
(35:47):
it in your journal, find a friend, get a coach,
get a mentor talk to them about it. Okay, you've
you've got to know that you'll slip back and forth.
But when you catch yourself slipping, shift, shift, and you've
(36:08):
got to reward yourself for every small step. This is
a small step speaking to someone outside the inner circle
who's going to tell you something different. Yeah, celebrate that
you did a good thing. You did a good thing.
(36:29):
I want you to write this down. My choices mm hmm.
My power, my joy are my responsibility. My choices, my power,
my joy are my responsibility. Not my mother's not, my
father's not, my brother's not, my grandmother not my auntie.
(36:53):
My my choices, my power, my joy are my responsibility,
even when my family doesn't agree. Help tell me what
you hear me saying. Tell me what you hear me saying.
I hear you say that my choices, my power and
(37:18):
my joy on my responsibility to take care of myself,
and I can't make anyone else responsible for me. You
hear very well. I'm trying to set a plan of
vision for yourself. How do you want to be different
(37:40):
a year from now? And write those things down and
tell your friend about them. I could do that. Give
yourself time, don't rush, don't rush, take your time and
celebrate every little victory and prepare yourself for all of
them to be piste off with you, and know that
(38:02):
it won't kill him. Pisosity has never killed anybody. Yes, ma'am,
thank you so much. Al right, my love, good luck
to you. Give me a call maybe in about three
months and let me know how you're doing. I will,
bye bye. I think the only thing that's harder to
(38:24):
break than a family pattern is a family habit. Habits
are hard to break, but they can be broken. They
can be broken with honesty. The first thing you have
to do is let yourself know this is a habit,
and this is how the habit operates, and this is
how I enroll other people to participate in the habit
(38:47):
for me. Family habits, they exist in every family. Sometimes
we call them tradition. Sometimes we call them responsibility. Responsibility,
Your joy, your peace, your power, your choices are your responsibility,
regardless of what's going on in your family as of today,
(39:09):
your joy is your job. Your joy is your job,
and you've got to work on it eight hours a day,
forty hours a week, and your pay will be freedom.
I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
(39:30):
you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
you can call me live at seven seven five three
zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
(39:56):
R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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