January 12, 2022 • 24 mins
On this episode Curly and Maya discuss "chill girl and guys," who they are and how to ask for what you want in relationships.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Oh you're back. I didn't even notice. I'm just such
a chill girl. So yeah, I me too. I am
a chill girl too, Just kidding. We just want to
know what are we? Yeah? And what's the password? What
you want to be exclusive? Get in here. My name
is Gurly and I'm Maya, and welcome to the Super
(00:22):
Secret Bestie Club Podcast, a super secret club where we
talk about super secret things. Say super secret, more time,
super secret. In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendships, heartbreaks, men,
and of course our favorite secrets. Here we are again,
your two favorite people, your two favorite cousins in the
(00:44):
whole wide world. Tell your other cousin to sit over
there and go away. Oh, this is gonna be another episode.
We're funnier than me, you know, I feel it? Oh
my god. Okay, So, may would you like to introduce
the topic today to day's topic is a little chilly.
Oh that's get your coats on, put scarves on, put
(01:08):
your little beanies on. So today's topic is the chill girl. Okay,
we all know the chill girl, but Curly, can you
define it for us? Yes. According to dictionary dot com,
a chill girl is slang. It's a girlfriend considered by
her boyfriend to be self sufficient, quote low maintenance, and
quote chilled out. Urban dictionary dot com defines chill girl
(01:32):
as note not actually chill um and the example they
give is you want to go out with the boys,
and she replies, I'll stay at home and wait for you.
But really I'm freaking out and will never tell you,
but I'll be passive aggressive. We hate this, by the way,
I hate this a reaction. When I read it out
last she was like no, and I'm like, well, that's
the description disgusting. I rebuke it in the name of
(01:55):
the Lord and exclusivity. Oh my god, but how were
you my define chill girl? To me, a chill girl
is somebody who is like, I don't want to seem
like too much or bossy, and like I just like
go with the flow just to appease the other person,
(02:17):
who sometimes is a male, Right, yes, and you kind
of just throw all of your wants and needs out
of the way and gaslight yourself. Yeah, And I would
say that it's probably like the partner, right. It could
sometimes be a fem doing it to you. It could
be a non binary person doing it to you, but
it's basically somebody who's a little bit more lax on
(02:39):
what's going to happen. Um, And I feel like chill
girl is kind of a toxic thing to call somebody. Um,
but we all want to be a chill girl. Essentially.
It is the most desirable thing because you don't want
to seem like I'm too much or I don't. I
just want to seem chill and like easy going and
(03:01):
because but there's an issue with that and we will
get into it, but I just want to know, Curly,
have you ever been a chill girl? Um? Yeah, I've
actually been well, I tried to be a chill boy
in my early twenties. Actually, for most of my twenties,
I was like super in love with this guy. I
still love him. I still have like this like level
of love because I consider him one of the loves
of my life and somebody that I, you know, loved
(03:23):
very deeply. But he was always like, let's go with
the flow. And I used to look at him and
be like, he's so cool, he's so edgy, he's an aries,
he's so much more fun than I am. Like I'm
a virgo, I'm earth, I'm boring, I'm this I'm a
tree and he's he's like, um, like a going through
the fields and slicing everything, and I'm like a wooden staff,
(03:43):
Like I'm everything you've been saying. Is that curate? I
mean looks so yeah. I believed him when he was like,
come on, like just chill, go with the flow, and
I'm like, I have a lot to learn. I need
to go with the flow. Um, But I was not that.
It wasn't that what about you? First of all, I
don't like him. I don't like that he made you
feel that way at all. I mean, I don't claim
(04:04):
him in the areas club. Sorry, you're kicked out and
then you're badge Now he's a lovely person. I'm just
like we were kids. It's well, so yeah. I have
definitely been a chill girl in my early twenties as well.
And I've always kind of been avoiding anxious. And I
mentioned this before. It's pretty much where you're avoiding at first,
(04:28):
and then you become a little bit anxious because I
think people get attracted to that avoidant part. And then
I become anxious when I noticed they pulled back, and
then that kicks in. Oh, I need to be a
chill girl, because I don't want to seem like I'm
too much or bossy, or like I think like I'm
moving too fast or made a label. Yes, that is
(04:51):
the thing. Am I moving too fast? And you're like,
I'm crazy? Because you never want to be seem like
the person that's like, whoa there, We've only gone on
three dates and you're already thinking and you're like, no,
not me. Yeah, I would never ask. I would never
want to ask the other person where we stand. I
just have anxiety right now thinking about it. Oh my god,
(05:12):
why do you? Why do you feel that there's like
the added pressure to want to present as a chill
person in order to get into a romantic relationship. I
think some people, and speaking for myself, also the unhealed
version of myself when I would activate this very intense
chill girl version of myself, I didn't want to lose them.
(05:35):
I was so afraid to be alone, and I had
a scarcity mindset, so I would rather take crumbs then
ask for a full meal, which is what I deserve.
What about you? Absolutely, I think that for me it
was definitely a place of not feeling adequate or good
(05:56):
enough and feeling like I wanted to impress this individ
jewel or impressed said individuals. Um. And I think that
I usually I love people who are really fun, who
are adventurous. I love a good like spontaneous, let's go here.
Like I think that that's always like yeah, let's go um.
And so I feel like when I get a crush
(06:16):
on somebody and they are very like let's do this,
it's that fire energy. The minute that I try to
catch it or be like, oh, can I like have
this as my partner or somebody with me, I feel
like there's like this thing of like, no, you can't
catch me, Like you can't really catch a flame, you
can't really catch a breeze, you can't really catch like
you know. And then if you try to, it's like
this thing of like you're gonna snuff it out, like
oh you're gonna destroy, You're gonna hold it down. Like
(06:38):
I don't want to be a weight on something. And
there's this fear of being a weight on somebody's life,
of being like deal like ball and chain. I don't
know if that's what we say, but like you know,
I don't know if I want to be like um,
the person that just weighs you down and keeps you
from your dreams and can we just take a deep
breath right now? I feel like this is triggering for
(06:58):
a lot of people. This is a safe space. This
is a safe space. I think that there's also just
a thing of like, you don't want to look desperate,
you don't want to look weak, you don't want to
look hurt. Um. I saw this thing online and I
was telling you about it, and basically it's like, we
like people who like us, And I think that that's
(07:19):
so powerful to like to be able to put your
cards on the table no matter where you're at. It's
such a powerful thing that you don't have to play
this game if you're not chill. Don't be chill, Like,
show them who you are, show them when you are
a prod that they can make a decision on how
to move forward. Because ultimately, I think it affects your
spirit in the long run, and when you gaslight yourself
(07:40):
so much, those have different effects, Like for me personally,
it causes more depression and anxiety and creates more self
esteem and spiritual agitation and spiritual constipation. Oh yeah, exactly,
you know what I just say, Like it's all because
you're afraid of being vulnerable, right, But what's interesting is
(08:01):
that if you're vulnerable enough to let somebody up in
your guts, up in the up in these walls, um,
you should feel empowered enough to let them inside of
your heart and your mind and your thoughts. Right Like,
if these guts are good enough for you, this brain
is good enough for you too. And right now this
brain is asking what are we oh that question? Sometimes
(08:24):
I think that continuing the kind of like this charade
or this game of being chill, it is really toxic
for the individual. Like I remember, you know, with my
example from my early twenties, when I would get really
drunk with him, it was the only time that I
could actually tell him how I really felt, and we
would always blow up, like we would have the ugliest
(08:46):
arguments because I just couldn't vocalize how I felt when
I wasn't drinking. But had I kind of maybe been
the person I am now or been more emotionally intelligent, um,
it would have been a different space to be like, actually,
I really like you, and if you're not in the
same emotional space or frequency that I'm in, I think
we need to put that on the table and figure
out what we're gonna do. That is such a healthy
(09:09):
approach that I feel like maybe now you've probably come
to terms with but back then it's like we just
don't know any better. And for me, like it would
affect my spirit so heavily. I am a naturally happy person.
I mean, I do have my very very moody moments
(09:30):
and what I do, I'm very moody, but I think
I'm mostly positive. And I remember my example for this
has to do with the Virgo. That's your fault. I
always like, if you get trolled by a burgo, that
is your no. No, no no. I like Virgos. I
(09:58):
like dweves and doors. We're amazing dweeves and doors. But
I'm like, oh god, I know. But so, for example,
I remember at this time he was pulling back this.
I had been dating this guy who was a Virgo
for like almost four months, three months, and I noticed
he was pulling back. He stopped putting in effort, but
(10:20):
he would continue to sleep over and we would see
each other all the time. And there was like, once
or twice I had brought up, you know, do you
want to date other people? He said, no, I said no,
which means what I mean exclusivity to me? Right, Okay,
So I'm thinking we're on the right path. Chug chug chug.
(10:42):
I brought up again like it was National Boyfriend Day,
Like I think the day before I didn't you even
know that it was National boyfriend It was all over
Twitter and everyone was like yeah and gay and I
was like, so it was National boyfriend Day the other
day and I'm like laying on his chest, thinking I
(11:03):
got this man in the bed and he's like yes,
And I was like, I'm just like, should I have
gotten you a present? Or and his silence was yes.
He could not make a decision, he could not get
the words out, and I had to be like, uh,
(11:24):
he was, do you think we're ready for that? I'm
just asking because it's been a couple of months, and
you know, time went on and my spirits started to
get more agitated and sad, and then finally I remember,
like you and a couple other of my friends were like,
just ask him, and who were like, oh girl, I'll
get in there and ask him. I was with toxic.
(11:50):
I don't know. I'm bilingual. I don't know how to
speak it sometimes. Sorry, I'm half bilingual, so I totally
get that. No, but I remember I was just so sad,
and so finally I brought it up. I stood up
for myself and I said, I deserve for somebody to
want to be my boyfriend. I deserved for someone to
say I want you to be my girlfriend. And he
(12:13):
was like, I just can't give you that, and I
was like like, oh, I was so sad, but you
know what, I did it for myself because I knew
I deserved more, even though I didn't really know what
that looked like. But I knew something was off because
I was so sad, and I think it was because
my spirit was trying to tell me this isn't right,
(12:35):
like you deserve more. You don't deserve these breadcrumbs, you
deserve a full course meal. And then I kind of realized,
like looking back, he was worse than me. He couldn't
even say what he wanted, like that phone conversation was
so long and it was filled up of silence because
he was thinking. Yes, it was over the phone because
(12:58):
I was fed up and I should have done it
in person, but I didn't because I think it was
scared I would do it in person now if it
was that, but you know, it just really messed me
up for a long time. But I got a little
taste of what it's like to stick up for yourself.
(13:28):
I think that people have to remember that, like relationships,
every relationship, platonic romantic, it will always go back to
like communication and communication styles and kind of trauma responses
and all these different things. And it's like, if you
feel good about putting your cards on the table and
that person is like or that person is going to
show you their cards, and it's not the same. Like
(13:50):
my Angelo and Oprah always say that when people show
you who they are, believe them. And one of the
most powerful things that you can do in life is
believe people. That recently was kind of seeing somebody like
kind of on and off, and I could feel that
they were kind of giving me the same kind of
like go with the flow kind of vibes, like um,
not trying to give me any sort of space to
decide what we were going to be or where we
(14:11):
were going. And it was kind of interesting how quickly
I saw all of the old patterns that people have
done to me in the past, like gas lighting, making
me feel like I somehow was making things up in
my head, making me feel like I was being too
much or overly emotional, And it was really cool to
(14:33):
kind of get into a space of myself, of my
own empowerment, to be like, actually, you are setting your
boundary by not telling me, and I'm setting mine and
wanting to know. And I think, like, yeah, there's nothing
wrong with that, but I think that that comes with age.
How do you feel, Yeah, I think so too. And
I also think you shouldn't be afraid of saying what
(14:56):
you want and claiming that because you know you deserve that,
and if that other person does not want that, let
them leave. Like, do not spend time trying to convince
them of your worth, because that is not what we're
here for. Like, start to manifest people who see you
and see your worth instead of trying to convince them.
(15:19):
We try to do when we're a chill girl, is
we're trying to convince them that, Yeah, we'll go with
the flow with whatever you want. You determine where we're
going to go. Yeah, And the thing is he is like,
you know, unchecked chiller attitude. You can sacrifice your career,
you can sacrifice your goal, you can sacrifice the way
that you dress, the way that you look, and I've
done that too, right, it can lead you to a
space that you don't want to be in. I think
(15:42):
if you vocalize what you want with the person of
partner and those needs and those wants are not rooted
in insecurity, it makes for a better space, right. And
if you can kind of vocalize your needs and your
wants when you know your worth and you know what
you're bringing to the table. I always say that you
have to know what you're bringing to the table, and
sometimes you're bringing the table. Sometimes it's like I booked
(16:02):
the table, I got the reservations, I own the restaurant,
and you know what I mean, You're like, what are
you bringing? What you have to do is show up up, yes,
And it's just like and you can't do that because
you're sitting there and you're like, I don't know what
I want. Get out of the restaurant. Because it's a
lot of others. My mom um calls it like you're
no longer in the V I P. Section, You're in
general admission. I remember when you told me that one time,
(16:25):
and I was like, yes, it's gotta love general admission.
Get to the back of the line, please. Yeah, And
I hope that everyone realizes their worth. It is honestly,
you have to learn through these experiences and sometimes you
have to feel what it feels like two for someone
not to see your worth, to be like, oh, that
doesn't feel right because it's not right. This person is
(16:48):
not right for me. And um, communication is a big
one too. We always talk about communication. Have those conversations.
Don't be afraid, like who cares. The timeline is up
to you in that person. And if being a chill
girl is good for you and it works for you
and you feel fine and it's healthy, more love to you.
(17:09):
Love any maya. Why do you think it's called chill
girl as opposed to chill guy or chill them? Do
you think it's like gendered? I think it is a
little bit a lot of it, just because in my
experience I identify as a girl as a woman, and
I know a lot of my friends who are fems
or girls have definitely dealt with this, like we talked
(17:33):
about it all the time, and it's become such a thing.
That's why it's like chill girl on TikTok is also
like a trending thing. It's also like the pick me girls.
It's in the same thing where they kind of do
whatever the man wants, their little misogynistic for the pick
me girls. So I do believe, like I don't know why,
(17:53):
like from your experience, Like have you heard of the
term chill girl being mostly identified with the girl experience?
I feel like vulnerability and emotions is always tied to femininity,
and femininity is always tied to weakness, and that's really
at up that the world does that. I feel like
boys or masculine presenting people or men identifying people can
(18:19):
also display those sorts of chill quote girl vibes. Right.
Is it a problematic word to be like chill girl? Yeah,
I think there's some problematic parts of it as well.
But I think it's because it implies that, like emotions
are negative, um, and they shouldn't be no matter how
you identify or what gender you identify, it should be
like emotions are a good thing. Oh my god, I
(18:41):
love being emotional. I'm a little moody too. It's like
it has to do with like the man. Follow the man.
The man is the breadwinner. He decides when you guys
are going to get married, um, you know, when you
guys are gonna have kids, and that's like, I feel
like it's very traditional, and it sucks that some of
(19:01):
those traditional stereotypes kind of seeped into our generation and
how we have that label now chill girl because it sucks.
It sucks to be a chill girl. Yeah, it's the worst.
I did want to say, Maya that I kind of
just had this like aha moment as we're talking about
this right now, is that as I've gotten older, as
(19:22):
I've kind of learned, I've done more work in therapy
and I still have a lot to learn, and as
I like do my affirmations in the mirror every day,
I recognize that it has made me a lot more
chill in the process. And so now when I go
and I date other people who don't want me, I'm
very much like, oh, I didn't even notice you didn't
text me. Oh I didn't even notice that. So you're
(19:44):
saying by saying what you want more, you actually become
more chill, A chill. I think you become a chill.
You become a little chilly, you know what You're right? Yeah,
because I feel like I'm like, look, I've said my piece.
I've said what I want and that's not what you want,
and that's okay. It doesn't take anything away from me.
(20:05):
Oh you're leaving, there's the door, but see you later
the local that's on you boo awesome. And now for
your favorite segment of this show, the ass part Astrology
(20:31):
made people clunch their pearls curly, what do you think?
And again we're setting people up like big three. Oh yes, okay,
I'm Ari's Sun Moon Venus and oh my god, here
(20:52):
we go as always like my big three are. And
then she lists like seven of her planets. Um, my
big three are Virgo and double score. So what do
you think are the worst signs for decision making? The
signs that are kind of like, alright, get it together.
I mean, I'm gonna go ahead and say aries only
(21:13):
because that's where my and fire signs that has been
where my learning lessons have come from over and over
and over again. As aries, I feel like I get
really like attached and excited, and I Earth wants to
snuff it out, snuff out the flame. I would have
to agree, like I'm sorry, Aries, Like we are impulsive
(21:34):
decision makers a lot of the time, and we have
to really slow down and think about what we're doing
and let the fire or whatever anger or whatever emotion subside.
But I will also say virgos think too much and
take too long to decide what they want, and I
(21:57):
just don't have the time. I don't have the time
I'm anymore. That's true, but I will say that it's
still your fault, but it's not. I'm just kidding. It's
not your fault. No, virgos are toxic sometimes too. Um.
The other thing that I did want to say is
that I do want to say to you that a
lot of this is rooted in like the way that
masculinity and people who don't talk about their emotions like
(22:17):
it goes back to machismo and all that stuff I feel.
And so I think that if you're making people feel
bad about expressing their emotions, or if you're weird about
like don't ask me what are we like, that's also
like you need to figure your stuff out because they
are clearly stating their boundaries in the same way that
you are. So don't make people feel weird or inadequate
or like they're just moving too fast just because they're
(22:40):
expressing where they're at yeah, nerd your nerd. Okay, to
close out the astrology part, listen to this is all
from our experiences. We're not actual astrology. This is all
rooted in truth. Okay, sure well. I think that the
day maya, each of us are on our own individual
(23:02):
journeys and roads at becoming not just the best version
of ourselves, but our favorite version of ourselves. That's also
an open line, don't And so it's like, if you
feel like talking about your emotions with somebody who might
potentially be the partner of your life, there should be
no time limit do it. Who cares? Chill non chill girl,
chill them, non chill them, chill boy, non chill boy.
(23:24):
I agree. I think definitely, Like we said before, know
you're worth and don't be afraid. The more you do it,
the more it will become easier to speak up for yourself.
And I think you get closer to your truest self. Absolutely.
So what do y'all think? What do you think about
the topic of chill girl, chill them, chill person, chill boy.
Let us know in the comments and also let us
(23:45):
know your experiences about dealing with emotions when interacting with
the new potential partner. All right, well, it's been a pleasure.
And remember us while you're out there being a chill girl.
I mean not that we care on you so chilly.
We don't care. We're so chill that truly. How can
they find you on social media? Well, I don't really
care if they find me or not. I'm just so
chill about it. But they can find me at the
Curly B Show on Instagram and TikTok and b is
(24:07):
in Victor. You know what I care. And I want
to be exclusive with you, guys, so you can. You
can follow me at my in the Moment, m A
y A in the Moment on any social media platform
you know. I like when you talk exclusivity to me.
It's hot. I don't want to be exclusive with you.
We're just friends. Sorry, all right, well bye, guys. The
(24:34):
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Oh you're back. I didn't even notice. I'm just such
a chill girl. So yeah, I me too. I am
a chill girl too, Just kidding. We just want to
know what are we? Yeah? And what's the password? What
you want to be exclusive? Get in here. My name
is Gurly and I'm Maya, and welcome to the Super
(00:22):
Secret Bestie Club Podcast, a super secret club where we
talk about super secret things. Say super secret, more time,
super secret. In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendships, heartbreaks, men,
and of course our favorite secrets. Here we are again,
your two favorite people, your two favorite cousins in the
(00:44):
whole wide world. Tell your other cousin to sit over
there and go away. Oh, this is gonna be another episode.
We're funnier than me, you know, I feel it? Oh
my god. Okay, So, may would you like to introduce
the topic today to day's topic is a little chilly.
Oh that's get your coats on, put scarves on, put
(01:08):
your little beanies on. So today's topic is the chill girl. Okay,
we all know the chill girl, but Curly, can you
define it for us? Yes. According to dictionary dot com,
a chill girl is slang. It's a girlfriend considered by
her boyfriend to be self sufficient, quote low maintenance, and
quote chilled out. Urban dictionary dot com defines chill girl
(01:32):
as note not actually chill um and the example they
give is you want to go out with the boys,
and she replies, I'll stay at home and wait for you.
But really I'm freaking out and will never tell you,
but I'll be passive aggressive. We hate this, by the way,
I hate this a reaction. When I read it out
last she was like no, and I'm like, well, that's
the description disgusting. I rebuke it in the name of
(01:55):
the Lord and exclusivity. Oh my god, but how were
you my define chill girl? To me, a chill girl
is somebody who is like, I don't want to seem
like too much or bossy, and like I just like
go with the flow just to appease the other person,
(02:17):
who sometimes is a male, Right, yes, and you kind
of just throw all of your wants and needs out
of the way and gaslight yourself. Yeah, And I would
say that it's probably like the partner, right. It could
sometimes be a fem doing it to you. It could
be a non binary person doing it to you, but
it's basically somebody who's a little bit more lax on
(02:39):
what's going to happen. Um, And I feel like chill
girl is kind of a toxic thing to call somebody. Um,
but we all want to be a chill girl. Essentially.
It is the most desirable thing because you don't want
to seem like I'm too much or I don't. I
just want to seem chill and like easy going and
(03:01):
because but there's an issue with that and we will
get into it, but I just want to know, Curly,
have you ever been a chill girl? Um? Yeah, I've
actually been well, I tried to be a chill boy
in my early twenties. Actually, for most of my twenties,
I was like super in love with this guy. I
still love him. I still have like this like level
of love because I consider him one of the loves
of my life and somebody that I, you know, loved
(03:23):
very deeply. But he was always like, let's go with
the flow. And I used to look at him and
be like, he's so cool, he's so edgy, he's an aries,
he's so much more fun than I am. Like I'm
a virgo, I'm earth, I'm boring, I'm this I'm a
tree and he's he's like, um, like a going through
the fields and slicing everything, and I'm like a wooden staff,
(03:43):
Like I'm everything you've been saying. Is that curate? I
mean looks so yeah. I believed him when he was like,
come on, like just chill, go with the flow, and
I'm like, I have a lot to learn. I need
to go with the flow. Um, But I was not that.
It wasn't that what about you? First of all, I
don't like him. I don't like that he made you
feel that way at all. I mean, I don't claim
(04:04):
him in the areas club. Sorry, you're kicked out and
then you're badge Now he's a lovely person. I'm just
like we were kids. It's well, so yeah. I have
definitely been a chill girl in my early twenties as well.
And I've always kind of been avoiding anxious. And I
mentioned this before. It's pretty much where you're avoiding at first,
(04:28):
and then you become a little bit anxious because I
think people get attracted to that avoidant part. And then
I become anxious when I noticed they pulled back, and
then that kicks in. Oh, I need to be a
chill girl, because I don't want to seem like I'm
too much or bossy, or like I think like I'm
moving too fast or made a label. Yes, that is
(04:51):
the thing. Am I moving too fast? And you're like,
I'm crazy? Because you never want to be seem like
the person that's like, whoa there, We've only gone on
three dates and you're already thinking and you're like, no,
not me. Yeah, I would never ask. I would never
want to ask the other person where we stand. I
just have anxiety right now thinking about it. Oh my god,
(05:12):
why do you? Why do you feel that there's like
the added pressure to want to present as a chill
person in order to get into a romantic relationship. I
think some people, and speaking for myself, also the unhealed
version of myself when I would activate this very intense
chill girl version of myself, I didn't want to lose them.
(05:35):
I was so afraid to be alone, and I had
a scarcity mindset, so I would rather take crumbs then
ask for a full meal, which is what I deserve.
What about you? Absolutely, I think that for me it
was definitely a place of not feeling adequate or good
(05:56):
enough and feeling like I wanted to impress this individ
jewel or impressed said individuals. Um. And I think that
I usually I love people who are really fun, who
are adventurous. I love a good like spontaneous, let's go here.
Like I think that that's always like yeah, let's go um.
And so I feel like when I get a crush
(06:16):
on somebody and they are very like let's do this,
it's that fire energy. The minute that I try to
catch it or be like, oh, can I like have
this as my partner or somebody with me, I feel
like there's like this thing of like, no, you can't
catch me, Like you can't really catch a flame, you
can't really catch a breeze, you can't really catch like
you know. And then if you try to, it's like
this thing of like you're gonna snuff it out, like
oh you're gonna destroy, You're gonna hold it down. Like
(06:38):
I don't want to be a weight on something. And
there's this fear of being a weight on somebody's life,
of being like deal like ball and chain. I don't
know if that's what we say, but like you know,
I don't know if I want to be like um,
the person that just weighs you down and keeps you
from your dreams and can we just take a deep
breath right now? I feel like this is triggering for
(06:58):
a lot of people. This is a safe space. This
is a safe space. I think that there's also just
a thing of like, you don't want to look desperate,
you don't want to look weak, you don't want to
look hurt. Um. I saw this thing online and I
was telling you about it, and basically it's like, we
like people who like us, And I think that that's
(07:19):
so powerful to like to be able to put your
cards on the table no matter where you're at. It's
such a powerful thing that you don't have to play
this game if you're not chill. Don't be chill, Like,
show them who you are, show them when you are
a prod that they can make a decision on how
to move forward. Because ultimately, I think it affects your
spirit in the long run, and when you gaslight yourself
(07:40):
so much, those have different effects, Like for me personally,
it causes more depression and anxiety and creates more self
esteem and spiritual agitation and spiritual constipation. Oh yeah, exactly,
you know what I just say, Like it's all because
you're afraid of being vulnerable, right, But what's interesting is
(08:01):
that if you're vulnerable enough to let somebody up in
your guts, up in the up in these walls, um,
you should feel empowered enough to let them inside of
your heart and your mind and your thoughts. Right Like,
if these guts are good enough for you, this brain
is good enough for you too. And right now this
brain is asking what are we oh that question? Sometimes
(08:24):
I think that continuing the kind of like this charade
or this game of being chill, it is really toxic
for the individual. Like I remember, you know, with my
example from my early twenties, when I would get really
drunk with him, it was the only time that I
could actually tell him how I really felt, and we
would always blow up, like we would have the ugliest
(08:46):
arguments because I just couldn't vocalize how I felt when
I wasn't drinking. But had I kind of maybe been
the person I am now or been more emotionally intelligent, um,
it would have been a different space to be like, actually,
I really like you, and if you're not in the
same emotional space or frequency that I'm in, I think
we need to put that on the table and figure
out what we're gonna do. That is such a healthy
(09:09):
approach that I feel like maybe now you've probably come
to terms with but back then it's like we just
don't know any better. And for me, like it would
affect my spirit so heavily. I am a naturally happy person.
I mean, I do have my very very moody moments
(09:30):
and what I do, I'm very moody, but I think
I'm mostly positive. And I remember my example for this
has to do with the Virgo. That's your fault. I
always like, if you get trolled by a burgo, that
is your no. No, no no. I like Virgos. I
(09:58):
like dweves and doors. We're amazing dweeves and doors. But
I'm like, oh god, I know. But so, for example,
I remember at this time he was pulling back this.
I had been dating this guy who was a Virgo
for like almost four months, three months, and I noticed
he was pulling back. He stopped putting in effort, but
(10:20):
he would continue to sleep over and we would see
each other all the time. And there was like, once
or twice I had brought up, you know, do you
want to date other people? He said, no, I said no,
which means what I mean exclusivity to me? Right, Okay,
So I'm thinking we're on the right path. Chug chug chug.
(10:42):
I brought up again like it was National Boyfriend Day,
Like I think the day before I didn't you even
know that it was National boyfriend It was all over
Twitter and everyone was like yeah and gay and I
was like, so it was National boyfriend Day the other
day and I'm like laying on his chest, thinking I
(11:03):
got this man in the bed and he's like yes,
And I was like, I'm just like, should I have
gotten you a present? Or and his silence was yes.
He could not make a decision, he could not get
the words out, and I had to be like, uh,
(11:24):
he was, do you think we're ready for that? I'm
just asking because it's been a couple of months, and
you know, time went on and my spirits started to
get more agitated and sad, and then finally I remember,
like you and a couple other of my friends were like,
just ask him, and who were like, oh girl, I'll
get in there and ask him. I was with toxic.
(11:50):
I don't know. I'm bilingual. I don't know how to
speak it sometimes. Sorry, I'm half bilingual, so I totally
get that. No, but I remember I was just so sad,
and so finally I brought it up. I stood up
for myself and I said, I deserve for somebody to
want to be my boyfriend. I deserved for someone to
say I want you to be my girlfriend. And he
(12:13):
was like, I just can't give you that, and I
was like like, oh, I was so sad, but you
know what, I did it for myself because I knew
I deserved more, even though I didn't really know what
that looked like. But I knew something was off because
I was so sad, and I think it was because
my spirit was trying to tell me this isn't right,
(12:35):
like you deserve more. You don't deserve these breadcrumbs, you
deserve a full course meal. And then I kind of realized,
like looking back, he was worse than me. He couldn't
even say what he wanted, like that phone conversation was
so long and it was filled up of silence because
he was thinking. Yes, it was over the phone because
(12:58):
I was fed up and I should have done it
in person, but I didn't because I think it was
scared I would do it in person now if it
was that, but you know, it just really messed me
up for a long time. But I got a little
taste of what it's like to stick up for yourself.
(13:28):
I think that people have to remember that, like relationships,
every relationship, platonic romantic, it will always go back to
like communication and communication styles and kind of trauma responses
and all these different things. And it's like, if you
feel good about putting your cards on the table and
that person is like or that person is going to
show you their cards, and it's not the same. Like
(13:50):
my Angelo and Oprah always say that when people show
you who they are, believe them. And one of the
most powerful things that you can do in life is
believe people. That recently was kind of seeing somebody like
kind of on and off, and I could feel that
they were kind of giving me the same kind of
like go with the flow kind of vibes, like um,
not trying to give me any sort of space to
decide what we were going to be or where we
(14:11):
were going. And it was kind of interesting how quickly
I saw all of the old patterns that people have
done to me in the past, like gas lighting, making
me feel like I somehow was making things up in
my head, making me feel like I was being too
much or overly emotional, And it was really cool to
(14:33):
kind of get into a space of myself, of my
own empowerment, to be like, actually, you are setting your
boundary by not telling me, and I'm setting mine and
wanting to know. And I think, like, yeah, there's nothing
wrong with that, but I think that that comes with age.
How do you feel, Yeah, I think so too. And
I also think you shouldn't be afraid of saying what
(14:56):
you want and claiming that because you know you deserve that,
and if that other person does not want that, let
them leave. Like, do not spend time trying to convince
them of your worth, because that is not what we're
here for. Like, start to manifest people who see you
and see your worth instead of trying to convince them.
(15:19):
We try to do when we're a chill girl, is
we're trying to convince them that, Yeah, we'll go with
the flow with whatever you want. You determine where we're
going to go. Yeah, And the thing is he is like,
you know, unchecked chiller attitude. You can sacrifice your career,
you can sacrifice your goal, you can sacrifice the way
that you dress, the way that you look, and I've
done that too, right, it can lead you to a
space that you don't want to be in. I think
(15:42):
if you vocalize what you want with the person of
partner and those needs and those wants are not rooted
in insecurity, it makes for a better space, right. And
if you can kind of vocalize your needs and your
wants when you know your worth and you know what
you're bringing to the table. I always say that you
have to know what you're bringing to the table, and
sometimes you're bringing the table. Sometimes it's like I booked
(16:02):
the table, I got the reservations, I own the restaurant,
and you know what I mean, You're like, what are
you bringing? What you have to do is show up up, yes,
And it's just like and you can't do that because
you're sitting there and you're like, I don't know what
I want. Get out of the restaurant. Because it's a
lot of others. My mom um calls it like you're
no longer in the V I P. Section, You're in
general admission. I remember when you told me that one time,
(16:25):
and I was like, yes, it's gotta love general admission.
Get to the back of the line, please. Yeah, And
I hope that everyone realizes their worth. It is honestly,
you have to learn through these experiences and sometimes you
have to feel what it feels like two for someone
not to see your worth, to be like, oh, that
doesn't feel right because it's not right. This person is
(16:48):
not right for me. And um, communication is a big
one too. We always talk about communication. Have those conversations.
Don't be afraid, like who cares. The timeline is up
to you in that person. And if being a chill
girl is good for you and it works for you
and you feel fine and it's healthy, more love to you.
(17:09):
Love any maya. Why do you think it's called chill
girl as opposed to chill guy or chill them? Do
you think it's like gendered? I think it is a
little bit a lot of it, just because in my
experience I identify as a girl as a woman, and
I know a lot of my friends who are fems
or girls have definitely dealt with this, like we talked
(17:33):
about it all the time, and it's become such a thing.
That's why it's like chill girl on TikTok is also
like a trending thing. It's also like the pick me girls.
It's in the same thing where they kind of do
whatever the man wants, their little misogynistic for the pick
me girls. So I do believe, like I don't know why,
(17:53):
like from your experience, Like have you heard of the
term chill girl being mostly identified with the girl experience?
I feel like vulnerability and emotions is always tied to femininity,
and femininity is always tied to weakness, and that's really
at up that the world does that. I feel like
boys or masculine presenting people or men identifying people can
(18:19):
also display those sorts of chill quote girl vibes. Right.
Is it a problematic word to be like chill girl? Yeah,
I think there's some problematic parts of it as well.
But I think it's because it implies that, like emotions
are negative, um, and they shouldn't be no matter how
you identify or what gender you identify, it should be
like emotions are a good thing. Oh my god, I
(18:41):
love being emotional. I'm a little moody too. It's like
it has to do with like the man. Follow the man.
The man is the breadwinner. He decides when you guys
are going to get married, um, you know, when you
guys are gonna have kids, and that's like, I feel
like it's very traditional, and it sucks that some of
(19:01):
those traditional stereotypes kind of seeped into our generation and
how we have that label now chill girl because it sucks.
It sucks to be a chill girl. Yeah, it's the worst.
I did want to say, Maya that I kind of
just had this like aha moment as we're talking about
this right now, is that as I've gotten older, as
(19:22):
I've kind of learned, I've done more work in therapy
and I still have a lot to learn, and as
I like do my affirmations in the mirror every day,
I recognize that it has made me a lot more
chill in the process. And so now when I go
and I date other people who don't want me, I'm
very much like, oh, I didn't even notice you didn't
text me. Oh I didn't even notice that. So you're
(19:44):
saying by saying what you want more, you actually become
more chill, A chill. I think you become a chill.
You become a little chilly, you know what You're right? Yeah,
because I feel like I'm like, look, I've said my piece.
I've said what I want and that's not what you want,
and that's okay. It doesn't take anything away from me.
(20:05):
Oh you're leaving, there's the door, but see you later
the local that's on you boo awesome. And now for
your favorite segment of this show, the ass part Astrology
(20:31):
made people clunch their pearls curly, what do you think?
And again we're setting people up like big three. Oh yes, okay,
I'm Ari's Sun Moon Venus and oh my god, here
(20:52):
we go as always like my big three are. And
then she lists like seven of her planets. Um, my
big three are Virgo and double score. So what do
you think are the worst signs for decision making? The
signs that are kind of like, alright, get it together.
I mean, I'm gonna go ahead and say aries only
(21:13):
because that's where my and fire signs that has been
where my learning lessons have come from over and over
and over again. As aries, I feel like I get
really like attached and excited, and I Earth wants to
snuff it out, snuff out the flame. I would have
to agree, like I'm sorry, Aries, Like we are impulsive
(21:34):
decision makers a lot of the time, and we have
to really slow down and think about what we're doing
and let the fire or whatever anger or whatever emotion subside.
But I will also say virgos think too much and
take too long to decide what they want, and I
(21:57):
just don't have the time. I don't have the time
I'm anymore. That's true, but I will say that it's
still your fault, but it's not. I'm just kidding. It's
not your fault. No, virgos are toxic sometimes too. Um.
The other thing that I did want to say is
that I do want to say to you that a
lot of this is rooted in like the way that
masculinity and people who don't talk about their emotions like
(22:17):
it goes back to machismo and all that stuff I feel.
And so I think that if you're making people feel
bad about expressing their emotions, or if you're weird about
like don't ask me what are we like, that's also
like you need to figure your stuff out because they
are clearly stating their boundaries in the same way that
you are. So don't make people feel weird or inadequate
or like they're just moving too fast just because they're
(22:40):
expressing where they're at yeah, nerd your nerd. Okay, to
close out the astrology part, listen to this is all
from our experiences. We're not actual astrology. This is all
rooted in truth. Okay, sure well. I think that the
day maya, each of us are on our own individual
(23:02):
journeys and roads at becoming not just the best version
of ourselves, but our favorite version of ourselves. That's also
an open line, don't And so it's like, if you
feel like talking about your emotions with somebody who might
potentially be the partner of your life, there should be
no time limit do it. Who cares? Chill non chill girl,
chill them, non chill them, chill boy, non chill boy.
(23:24):
I agree. I think definitely, Like we said before, know
you're worth and don't be afraid. The more you do it,
the more it will become easier to speak up for yourself.
And I think you get closer to your truest self. Absolutely.
So what do y'all think? What do you think about
the topic of chill girl, chill them, chill person, chill boy.
Let us know in the comments and also let us
(23:45):
know your experiences about dealing with emotions when interacting with
the new potential partner. All right, well, it's been a pleasure.
And remember us while you're out there being a chill girl.
I mean not that we care on you so chilly.
We don't care. We're so chill that truly. How can
they find you on social media? Well, I don't really
care if they find me or not. I'm just so
chill about it. But they can find me at the
Curly B Show on Instagram and TikTok and b is
(24:07):
in Victor. You know what I care. And I want
to be exclusive with you, guys, so you can. You
can follow me at my in the Moment, m A
y A in the Moment on any social media platform
you know. I like when you talk exclusivity to me.
It's hot. I don't want to be exclusive with you.
We're just friends. Sorry, all right, well bye, guys. The
(24:34):
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