May 15, 2024 • 49 mins
Join Curly and Maya in this episode where they'll chat about their latest misfortunes in the quest for love in the digital age. From hilarious mishaps to downright bizarre interactions in dating apps; and their own mistakes related to their attachment styles.
Maya Murillo and Curly Velásquez are the hosts of the Super Secret Bestie Club with production support by Karina Riveroll of Sonoro Media in partnership with iHeart Radio's My Cultura Podcast network. If you want to support the podcast, please rate and review our show!
Follow Maya Murillo on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok @mayainthemoment
Follow Curly Velásquez on Instagram and TikTok @thecurlyvshow and on Twitter @CurlyVee
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, Curly, I just wanted to check in on you.
See how are you doing? I miss you?
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Thirty seconds late there.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Wow, he still hasn't messaged me back. That's kind of crazy.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Thirty seconds late there. Wow.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Okay, so he really hates me.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
So we're not best friends anymore and everything is just.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Oh hey, Bessie, sorry, I was at my nephew's recital,
so I didn't get a chance answer your messages.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
Oh if you see me refollow you on Instagram, that
was totally a glitch. And if you see those tweets
mess up tweeting, that was totally not about you, even
though he's called you by your first and last name.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Oh were you viraling again?
Speaker 3 (00:40):
Maybe I have a little bit of my anxious attachment style.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Yeah, okay, let's talk about it.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Okay, okay.
Speaker 4 (00:48):
My name is Curly and I'm Maya and welcome to
the Super Secret Bestie Club podcast.
Speaker 5 (00:54):
A super secret club where we talk about super secret things.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Yeah, like secrets that are super that's what it is.
Speaker 4 (01:01):
In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreaks, men,
and of course our favorite secrets.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yes, here we are again, my friend. Thank you so
much for listening to our Super Secret Bestic Clve podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
What accident is that.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
In your kulo? I like chocolate bananas. I think it's
a mixture of French. I like to speak. I kind
of do like a French And then, oh, yes, my
name is Gary. My name is Gary. I love to
(01:47):
take message on. I do not know why everybody gets
so mad at me. My name is Celindia. I love
Celindia and bust her.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
So as you can tell in the intro of this,
I was displaying a little bit of my anxious attachment
style when it comes to texting and waiting for that text.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Anxious.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I yeah, I'm anxious avoidance. I switch between those. I
feel like sometimes I'm secure. And of course, like these
attachment styles too are a little dated because there's a
lot of studies that come out that are like, well, actually,
like love languages and attachment styles are like, yes, they
(02:31):
are only like a very small small portion of what
makes up of They're just needs, their needs and wants.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
And change based off of cultures and.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
Where we're where we are at in our lives. And
it's also like we shouldn't be like just identifying ourselves
with these labels.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Yes, and some certain relationships can bring out certain aspects
of those things in you, Like you might actually be
somebody who isn't anxious and because of the way that
you're being treated, they you kind of it. Yeah, yeah,
what's the other one? What's the third one?
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Anxious? Avoidant? Secure?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Secure? My therapist called me a secure, which I will
tell you I would too.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I would too, I'd be like by the way, I'm secure.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
But there are, like you said, there's sometimes when maybe
we follow off the wagon a little bit.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
I have a bit of a story.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
We're gonna be talking about texting and anxiety and dating.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
We have some story times.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
Recently, I got back on the dating apps after maybe
like three months of not being on because I wanted
to like do a little cleanse. I was just feeling
a little bit like I needed to just not worry
about that. And so now I feel like, Okay, let
me get back out there. Let me I'm only on
one app. I'm on Hinge.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
And so I matched with this guy who's really cute.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Yeah, so cute, and I was like, oh my god,
he's like six to two whatever, but he.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Was just like adorable.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
He's like a nerdy no boy like and we were talking,
I would say for I would say for like a
weekend or a couple of days. And I at first
was like, not the best at texting because I was busy.
I was hosting a friend. He was staying here for
the weekend. But I was updating him along the way
like sorry, I'm slow at texting. I'm doing all this stuff,
(04:20):
like just to let him know. And then uh, like
I went to this Luna, went to the Luna Luna
exhibit that's here in La and there's some drama with
that exhibit. It's this exhibit that like Drake had he
contributed to getting it out of storage and it has
all these iconic artists that was Basquiat and it was
(04:41):
in Hamburg, Australia, and it has not been out in
thirty five years. So it's like and now it's going
back into storage because they're going bankrupt. So I was
explaining this thing as I sent him a voice note
explaining the drama from the Luna Luna thing because I
had just come back from it, and and he was like, oh,
that's really cool. And then I sent him one one
(05:05):
minute voice note and then a thirty second one, or
like a fifteen second one and then he stopped messaging
me for a couple of days, and I just know
that I went into this weird psychosis where I was
just like I got triggered because also there was like
some other underlining things that were happening around love that
(05:27):
I felt like I got gas gas lit. I felt
like I was invalidated and something that I had experienced,
so it felt like adding extra salt.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
To the wound. It was like a new wound.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
So I got very upset and instead of like messaging
or something, I just unmatched him. And I think I
regret that a little bit because I really forgot that
I have a tendency to get anxious when it comes
to distance or you know. But I was also just
like bro like it by now we should have been
(06:00):
out on a date, Like by the end of the week,
we should have been out on a date.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Okay, I don't.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Want to stay in the texting phase at all, Like
I don't care, like, let's just meet, let's meet already,
you know.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
And I think he was kind of lagging that a lot. Yeah,
so unmatched him and then I.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Like, you know, compared to the story that you're about
to tell, Yeah, I'm kind of like, dang, did I
kind of make a mistake or something.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Well, I feel like the first thing I would say
is like, don't feel guilty about unmatching, like part of
life in general, bigger pictures learning your patterns, and I
think you're just it's an opportunity to learn about your patterns. Also,
you can always reget the app again if you really
are like, oh, like who knows like.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
You unmatched him?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
No? No, but like if you if you delete your profile,
it will populate again. You can also, like I really
feel like, as somebody who's been on the dating apps
for so long, like there's different dating etiquette, right, Different
people treat it differently. Sometimes people delete the app and
you'll be like, oh no, they unmatched me and blah
(07:06):
blah blah blah, And you're like, no, they just deleted
the app. They'll be back on in a few months
and go, oh, hey, nice to see you again. I
deleted the app. And it's so casual, it's so like,
oh okay, I'm.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Just so like over that stuff.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Like I think I just like, I am so frustrated,
and I think I allowed that frustration to kind of
like come over.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Me a little bit.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
And and influence my my anxiety.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
But I was also like, like a part of.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
My anxiety too, was like, oh did he find out
who I was?
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Like did he see who I was? And then he's
like ooh, because that has happened before.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
It's happened before, where you know, they'll ask me to
send a video or two or ask me what I do.
I send them that video or they see my profile
and they stop talking to me.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
You know, that happens to me so much. But I
feel like what has really helped me lately? And maybe
this applies to you or anybody, but like when you
send these things, it is a reflection on how you
feel about yourself in your way, because like when they
used to ask for my socials, I would get really
embarrassed because I had like BuzzFeed stuff I had, like
I'm and you know this, like I'm so much more
(08:16):
I'm I think of myself as like a little baby Koala,
Like I feel like energetically I'm a little bit I
can wake up, but most of the time I want
to take a nap on your couch and I'm very
like cozy vibes. So I feel like when people see
my Instagram they get the wrong idea that maybe I'm
high energy this and this, and so I'm like, but lately,
my content's been reflecting more of my personality, like my
actual personality, and so I feel more comfortable sending it
(08:40):
because when they see it and they don't like it,
I actually don't care because I'm like, that's who I am.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Yeah, and I think I still have some some healing
or inner work to do around my online I don't
even want to say persona, but I just like my
online presence it is me.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
It is an extra of me. But I feel like
that's where if you were to.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
See me on stage, I would be I amp it up, Like, Yeah,
I did that bud Light commercial and one of the
biggest notes that they gave us was like, you guys
are at fifty percent. We need you at one hundred percent. Yeah,
we need you at one hundred percent. So I think
my Instagram and stuff is it's a performance. You know
(09:25):
I'm performing, but like, I don't want you to like
know that version of me before you get to know
this version of me, And I want you to understand
that that is an extension of me. I'm an actor,
I'm a singer.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
I'm a performer.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
I'm like an artist, so I need someone to be
able to have that, like be able to cart what
was it called compartmentalized?
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Yeh. And the right person will write, like the right
person will totally see that, like who you are and
who your online persona is. And I mean that's not
just like us, but like every entertainer, like Beyonce has
talked about being Sasha Fears for so long, like every
entertainer has their own personality and then who they are.
You know, I've forever dueled with that or I felt
(10:11):
very uncomfortable with it because I feel like, how do
I marry who I actually am and who I am online?
Like I just and I've just rediscovered this is very
personal to me right now, Like I'm just rediscovering like
my ideas of what I thought a gay man should
act like or look like. We're highly influenced by the
media and the nineties and the two thousands, right, so
(10:31):
I played into that. And so even now where people
are like give us the SaaS, I'm like, I'm not
really that sassy, right, and.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
In their versions of ourselves, their eras. I feel like
I've calmed down a lot, like since I've turned thirty
or like entered my when I entered the end of
my twenties and then turned thirty now thirty one, I
feel like I've calmed down a lot in the way
of not needing to make content for validation. Yeah, I
(11:00):
think that's why I feel more confident now to share
my social media sometimes. But although I don't think I will,
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
It's hard.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
I feel like do whatever feels comfortable in the right time.
Like I think that with dating. I saw this really
cool wired. Wired's YouTube channel right now is doing this
incredible series called like Support and basically they have different
people from different professions answering top questions on Twitter. And
they had this like dating Relationship Expert, and they were
(11:30):
talking about online dating and they were saying that most
people these days are meeting each other online more so
I guess than I mean. It's hard to take because
where in the world is she talking about, right, But
let's just say for the sake of this conversation, it's
US based. So she was saying that meeting people online
is actually showing more data that you're actually getting a crime.
Dela crame online because it's people who have a little
(11:52):
bit more of an education, a little bit like more
of a bigger financial status. Like it's just showing like different,
like better people. According to this woman, She also was
saying that, like it's not by much, but a lot
of couples that meet online tend to stay together a
little bit longer than couples that meet in person. So online,
(12:13):
according to this individual, is the place to be, is
the place to meet people, and saying that, like, I
also had like this weird I was talking to the
Lord right now?
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Why Lord, Lord, why?
Speaker 2 (12:28):
I mean, look for better for worse. You post your
best photos and then you know, hope for the best.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
My profiles good huh yes?
Speaker 2 (12:34):
And did you like mine? Mine? Cute? So I'm also back.
I had like deleted mine for a while. I just
wasn't ready, and I realized that I was hurting some
people by just not being emotionally ready, and so I
finally dipped in. And I'm very like talkative, I like
getting I'm like you, I like moving from the app
to text message almost right away, and I want to
(12:57):
set up a phone call almost like immediately because I
want to here.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
So you go from app to.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Texting next, and then a phone call.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Yeah, time, I just want to go from app to
hang out.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
Oh my god. Tinder offers like the best. They offer FaceTime,
so you can actually send FaceTime. Hinge offers voice notes. Yes,
Tinder is really great because even before you go to
like phone number status, you can have a FaceTime with them.
And I kind of far better or for worse, have
kind of dipped out once I FaceTime because I'm like,
they're cute, but it's like not a match, Like I
can talk to them right away, it's like not a
(13:29):
match in saying that I'm a little colder. Like you know,
I said this to you. One of the first times
I ever won on a date with somebody, I got ghosted.
It was my first time being on a gay date.
I wore my favorite fur boots at the time, and
I got ghosted, and so.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Yeah, it's right for boots.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Fur boots, And I immediately learned the lesson, like, oh,
this is the probably the law of the land and
the gay world. And I've now been out since I
was thirteen years old, like, and it is like gay
guys ghost left and right. I was talking to this
amazing cool guy that worked on Rodeo Drive ghosted me FaceTime,
and he ghosted me. You know, I talked to another
guy who also worked on More Day Drive. Maybe they're friends.
(14:05):
He ghosted me, and that's fine. Like I before it
would have hurt me, but now I just understand it
that that's just the way that things happen. And so
I feel like I used to get that anxiety before,
and now I kind of if I feel it, what
I always tell you, like, just get busy, like stay busy,
match with other people, go clean your place, like, go
(14:27):
refold some laundry, like and then by the time you
look up, it's been three hours and you were kind
of like, oh, they texted or they didn't text me,
like whatever. You might have a new match, you might
be out with friends, you meet somebody on the check
couple on me.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
It sneaks it. You get tested a lot. Because I
feel like I.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Had I think I was like, yeah, I'm ready, and
then when these things happen where it kind of triggers
these old attachment styles, I'm like, oh shit, but you
had an interesting experience that is kind of the other
side of what I'm talking.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Yeah, I mean I kind of Okay, here's the thing
I recognize that I am a toxic individual in terms
of communicating sometimes that it's not mean necessarily being mean,
Like I've talked about being diagnosed with severe ADHD, and
so I genuinely will forget. My timeline in terms of
texting is just radically different than other people. Even if
(15:21):
I like you, I just will forget, Like I just like,
I will literally talk about somebody that I like a
lot and completely forget to text them, and I'll be
talking like NonStop about how amazing they are. Right, So
that's just me. So I matched with this individual. Whatever,
if you don't hear from me in a few days,
I'll say a Maya has the info, blame them. But
(15:42):
basically we matched on a Wednesday, maybe even Tuesday. I'll
even give them a little bit more time, but I'll
say Wednesday, and we were like, let's have a phone
call tomorrow. On Thursday, we were texting a little bit.
Thursday came around. I was on my way to a
meeting and and I was in We decided to call
(16:03):
each other. I was like, I'll just call him all
on my way to the meeting, but I went to
go get some coffee first. So when he was on
the phone with me. He sent me he knew I
was getting coffee and he sent me ten dollars and
I was like, that's so sweet. I was like, wow, well,
I was like, oh my god, no guy has ever
done that to me, like before he's even met me.
That's so sweet. Like maybe that's how he likes to
treat his boys, Like I got you, babe, like thinking
(16:24):
of you, I'm very similar. So then we know we
(16:44):
kept talking. We hit it off. We were talking about
kind of our similarities and what we're looking for and
building partnership and building like family wealth.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
I guess generational well.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Generational, well, thank you, and so like we were just
really hitting it off and I and I really thought
he was cool. So then I had a really like
intense work day and then at night I hung out
with some friends and he was texting me like hey, hey,
what's up? What's up? And I just didn't have time
to reply because I was just.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
How many times did he like double triple?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
I'd say a lot?
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Yeah, oh really, like what was.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Not like that? I can't really say. I don't want
to be Oh my god. He text me like sixteen
times and maybe like three times I would say, it
was all hey, it was like, hey, what's up, what's
going on? How are you and my patterns? Yeah, Look,
when i'm with somebody like you're kind of like my family.
When I'm with your you are my family, You're not
kind of like my family. When I'm with family, like,
(17:42):
I'm not, as I would say, courteous. I am on
my phone a lot. But if I'm like with like
a meeting, or if I'm like with somebody who's venting
about something that's happening, I don't have my phone on me.
You could even say that right now, I don't have
my phone on me. My phone's recording, you know what
I mean. Like, so people get very like anyways, So
I just didn't have my phone and I had a
friend come over. I didn't text at night, I didn't
(18:04):
call again.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Yeah, you're being present exactly.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
The next day I had work again, of course, and
I you know, I work hard, and I worked very quickly,
so I was very busy. And that afternoon, one of
like my life besties came over because their dog of
like eleven twelve years died. They were the dogs of
pit bull. Her name's Suki, and Suki came before Frank
(18:30):
my pit bull, and they were homies and so hearing
you know, me and my friend were like crying together
because we were remembering our children. And again I just
was not on my phone. And then I was like
she went home and I wanted to go out. I
was like, you know what, it's now Friday. I'm ready
to let loose and go out. So I'm out. And
(18:53):
I get two phone calls from this individual around twelve
am and more text messages and I just am like
I'm out, like I don't want to text back or
I don't want to reply, like I don't You're not
my boyfriend. I just met you. I don't feel like
I owe anybody, even like my Like you could have
texted me at twelve and called. I mean, if you
called me, I would have been like, oh hey, that's
out of your patterns. But if you would have text
(19:14):
me like, oh to tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Like we know each other enough to where we have
an understanding that I think after seven or after eight,
if it's really really important, then like yes, but we're
mostly like hermit shut down loads to ourselves to be
charged exactly.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
But they someone's not going to know that about you.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
So he panicked and texted me and was like why
he was, Oh, so I first mentioned this earlier in
the day. It sent me a long text being like, hey,
I noticed that your communication has changed. It shifted. If
you're not interested, let me know, but also if you are,
and I sent him a reply saying like, hey, I
totally get it. I've been really busy. I'm really sorry.
(19:52):
This is kind of how I communicate. So if you're
not comfortable with this, and if it's not a match,
that's okay. He replied back, it is a match. I
had to I had a really good time talking to you,
so I'm just trying to gauge where we're at. And
I also reply And then I didn't reply to that
because it was at four o'clock and I was still
on the clockworking, you know, And I was like, I
need to process that text message because it feels a
(20:13):
little too heavy for two days of conversation at this point. Yeah,
I was like, it's a little too heavy for I
need to figure out how I want to approach this
and how I want to like two days, two days
girl too. Sorry, I was like two day days, So
I'm trying to figure out, like, how do I want
to approach this. How do I want to be like, hey,
(20:34):
it's only been two days. This is how I communicate.
I am telling you right now, like I am not
the best, but if I move into a relationship with somebody,
I will always work on those and those are things
that I can work on when that's what we're doing. Right.
I didn't get a chance to send that text. I
was just I forgot. I was just busy living my
best life. Come twelve o'clock he calls me. He's texting me,
(20:57):
and the messages gave me kind of wild anxiety because
he was like, wow, how old are we laughing my
ass off? He is like, I forgot what he said.
But then he sent me like a trash emoji and
he was like, no, I never want to talk to
you again. And I was like, oh, this is too
much energy, like for just a few days. So I
sent this kind of like lengthy text message.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
It's pretty good, and so we want we want to
dissect it.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
Also, Okay, we're not licensed therapists or anything.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
We're just people with trying to navigate. So I will
say this, I I'm not always right. I don't know
how to reply. I'm I know that I can be toxic.
I know that I can be messy, so I'm not
like a perfect person by any means at all. But
I answered the next morning around nine thirty am. I
was still in bed. I wrote, good morning. This was
(21:48):
kind of an anxiety inducing message to open up. By
the way, I think they blocked me, so I don't
think they ever got this message. So if they're listening,
this is true. This is kind of an anxiety inducing
message to open up. First of all, apologies for the delays.
I work a lot, all capital letters, and then I
had a friend's dog die, so I was with her
for the rest of the day. Of course, all capital letters.
Of course you deserve a reply. I also deserve time
(22:10):
to process your text in my own way. I wasn't
sure how to tell you that I also enjoyed our conversation,
but I wanted you to ease up a little bit,
let me come to you a little bit, take me,
let me take my own time. But as an adult,
it's also not my responsibility to say to you, Hey,
you just met me, ease up. I actually did want
(22:32):
to hang out, and I did. I actually was like, hey, oh.
By the way he sent me more money because he
was like, oh, you hang with your friends. Here's more money.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
See that's after two days.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
After two days, yes.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
That's a lot.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
It's a lot. But I also was like, oh my god,
I get it, like this is probably how he's like
to date. And I told him like, and in my head,
I was fully intending. I told him to you, I'm like,
let me out here for the coffee when we hang
like I fully intending to pay him back. So I said,
I actually did want to hang out. I thought you
were super cool. He is not. Everyone will process the
way that you do, or communicate exactly how you would
(23:03):
like them to immediately. In relationships, Comma, you learn over time,
not one day, how one communicates, how one prefers to
be communicated with, and hopefully you find some common ground.
Apologies for the anxiety you may have felt with my
delays in replying, but I just met you. It was
(23:24):
one day of talking and by day two you were
sending me a trash emoji. I hope you find what
you're looking for. I know you will. Let's not talk anymore.
Best of luck, thank you heart emoji. I was like, it's.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
Beautiful, beautiful, because that kind of put me in check
a little bit.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
I'm like that I want to talking about me or
was no, no, no, I'm not.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
I don't want to say as bad because there's nothing
you know, It's it's a trauma response social it's a
trauma response that maybe this is his come to Jesus
where you know, he's kind of like, oh wow, if
you're probably oh for sure, you know, he's blocked and
unblocked you for sure to see if you message. But
(24:11):
like hearing that, I'm like, oh, yeah, what I was experiencing.
I was experiencing my anxiety where I had sent him
that voice note which was on hinge, you know, and
I was like, he probably thinks my voice is weird.
Might maybe like he noticed my speech impediment or like
my blah.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Blah blah or you know.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
So I was like totally And then I got a
little bit mad too, because I was like, wow, you're
gonna freaking like ghost me after a couple of days
when we haven't even like met yet, and well, you know,
like I totally went into this kind of like and
I think because I haven't dated in a long time,
but it is true that like I have been there
(24:53):
where I have been super busy. There's been a lot,
and I've had somebody push me and be like hey,
like oh, I just wanted to say you have a
good day, or like hey, what are you doing?
Speaker 1 (25:03):
Or hey blah blah.
Speaker 3 (25:04):
When I have told them I'm going to be busy today,
I'm gonna be working blah blah blah.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Like they just totally.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Interrupt and invade your space and not even realize that
what I'm asking for is space.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
And I'm telling you I'm not.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
Going to be as active, but let's be active when
we hang out or what we meet.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
You know.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
It's kind of like that just period of anxiety you
go through. But this is such a great text message
because well.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Can I ask you a question? Oh? Sorry, oh I
wanted to ask you? Like when you get in your
head and you do such a think about did they
not like my voice or did they not like this?
Like that's almost like the bare minimum, right, like if
someone is like your voice, you don't exactly you stop
at the gate.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
Yes, yeah, And it's something that I'm like, oh, once again,
I am putting this person on a pedestal.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
And someone that you don't.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
Validation because he's cute, he's tall. And that's another thing
with my journey in like my queer identity is like,
are there big parts of me that are more interested
in validation from men than I am attracted to.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Them, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
And that's something I feel like, like do I actually
like them for them or do I just want them
to validate me because I have a masculine wound feminine wound.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Those are amazing questions to ask yourself, right, like when
getting into any sort of relationship at all, because I
think the answer is yes, right.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
And I am attracted to men unfortunately, yes. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:45):
So it was like I think it was, and I'm
not like this all the time. I just like got
over being sick, and I had like a weird experience,
like I said before, with like me thinking that I
like like this person, me and this person were on
the same page, and then it wasn't and I kind
(27:07):
of got crunch and so I was feeling extra sensitive
and extra like really in my feelings. And I feel
like I have developed a lot of my confidence within
my career and in my identity as far as that,
and I think with love, there's still a lot of
things that are resurfacing that I'm like, oh, man, I
forgot about that. But it's not like I don't I
(27:28):
don't really like freak out or it's not like a
huge trauma response, but it's there are things that I'm
able to now in my healing journey not just be
blinded by my trauma but shine a light on it
and call it what it is and be like, are
you just looking for validation or do you actually like
this person?
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Yeah? I will say, like the validation is such a
big deal, And I think that it has to do
a lot with like the media that we grew up in.
I think the cities that we grew up in, the
cultures that we grew up in. Like how many times,
like for me, when I was with my gay friends
growing up my entire life, Like how many times were
my gay friends always the cute ones and I was
like the weird, eccentric one and I was not getting
(28:06):
validated by my own community at all? Right, Like how
many times do girls, you know, if you have sisters,
there's always like, oh, that's the pretty sister, or a
group of girlfriends where they're like, oh, they're the pretty girls,
And then there's whatever like, we all have those moments
where we don't feel adequate, and I think that that
shows up in a lot of different ways, right, Like
me when I go to clubs now or bars or whatever,
(28:29):
not clubs. When I go to bars, I'm always like,
I actually say a little prayer when I leave, I'm like,
can I have a pretty night? Like can I please
have a little pretty night?
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Or than tonight?
Speaker 2 (28:38):
Can I please feel pretty when I go out? And
I don't want to lose it to anything like and
it's been working by the way it's been working. When
I go out and I feel like I just want
to have a little bit of a pretty night. But
I feel like I will say that I wasn't always there,
Like I was an anxious attachment person. I would get
really anxious when somebody wouldn't reply to me. I would
be like, what's wrong with the way that I look,
(29:00):
way that I talk and all these other things? And
I would be lying to you if I said that
I didn't do stuff about it, right, Like, we all
know that I've had certain things done cosmetically that have
enhanced me to certain aspects. Right, So I'm not gonna
sit here and be like it's all about self. Well, no,
I had a whole lost nose job practice. Yeah, Like,
(29:20):
but here's the thing. You can get a nose job
and you still don't feel like that person. So it's
kind of like it's a yes and no. So yes,
I got the nose job, Yes I had some things done,
but like at the same time, I didn't feel prettier
and I still wasn't getting validated in those ways. I
really feel like what has helped me a lot is
staying busy and also being like, by the time this guy,
(29:45):
every the time I noticed that this guy hasn't replied
to me, it hasn't answered me, there's a new match.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
Right, And that's where a lot of people's advice is
like you should be talking to like all these people,
blah blah blah. I'm like, I think I need to
practice that. But there's something in my spear and in
my capacity to hold other people and to compartmentalize different people,
and to you know, that's just is like I've never
been able to do that, but it is a practice
(30:11):
that's necessary because then I feel like every single time
I get hung up on one person, and then I
just like zero in and focus on that person and
then it you kind of and then they're also talking.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
To a million other people, you know.
Speaker 3 (30:26):
So it's one of those things that I definitely feel
like it's a practice, like I said, because I've been
out of the game for a long, long, long time
and it's going to take that like working on Okay,
So this person quote unquote rejected you. What are you
going to do about it? Are you going to talk
about it? Are you gonna blah blah blah. I get
hurt and then I crawl into my whole and then
(30:48):
I don't I write a song about it, and then
I don't come out until later and then it's like
three months later, you know.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
So it also brings up an idea of like what
is rejection? Right, Like I don't feel like I rejected
that guy. I just genuinely got busy, right. I don't
feel like there's a lot of guys that I'm like,
they can see it as rejection, but in my head,
I'm like, we just didn't the vibe wasn't there, Like
I just you know, it's fine.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
Yeah. It just goes back to like what is my
perception of men and the masculine, And you know, when
it comes to women. I feel like I've always been
validated by women, and I feel like I don't have
much of a problem there.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
When it comes to like dating and stuff.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
I feel like I feel really in a good flow
when I'm like flirting with the girl or flirting with
someone else who's queer, because it doesn't feel it doesn't
feel like a challenge, or it doesn't feel like I'm
fighting myself or doesn't feel cloudy, you know, but it's
still something that like, Unfortunately, I'm attracted to men too.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
I did want to say something about I really believe
that there is dating etiquette on these apps. Right. Some
people reply faster, some people don't. I think that having
the understanding that people don't communicate the way that you
do is super important. Sometimes they do get another match
and they're talking there and yours will get kind of
pushed out, and that's also okay. You can feel free
(32:09):
to bump it. I've gotten bumped by so many guys
that'll be like, hey, what's up, and I'm like, oh
my god, hey what's up. I've met so many guys
that we match like six times, and they'll be like, okay,
this is it. We have to hang out yeah, and
then you talk and it's like fine, Like it's all
like the way that I look at it is like
don't take it personally and don't take it as something
(32:30):
that is against you. It's really like a song and
a dance and when you if, what's that dance when
they go GiB a ya now on the ming ding
ding ding, do no grab your partner round.
Speaker 3 (32:42):
Down?
Speaker 2 (32:43):
What is that called?
Speaker 1 (32:44):
I just wanted to see.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Ding ding ding and shang don't ding ding dong ding
among dawn anyways. I feel like that's kind of like
what tender is a line dance?
Speaker 4 (33:03):
Never grab girl and shake it around, shake those hitties
and shake that pans.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
So anyway, So I feel like when you know how
to do the dance, like just because a partner that
I was the next partner doesn't necessarily mean they don't
want to dance with you. It might swing back around
and dance with them again. It's literally just the ecosystem
of the dating world online.
Speaker 3 (33:39):
Yeah, I think I just get frustrated because I'm like,
I'm thirty one and like, you know, my cousin just
had she's twenty four and just had her third baby,
and she's like maybe I'll have another baby in two
to three years, and I'm.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
Like pregnancy packed. I think I'll be there by then.
Speaker 3 (33:54):
We like did a pregnancy pack fourth child, first child?
Speaker 1 (33:57):
You know, I think I I think a lot.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Of it has to do with where society's like opinion
on where I should be as a woman in my
life by now, and that's weighing heavy on me, and
I'm really trying to work through it. And it's also
just like you know, I think with just like the
sifting through my like identity of like, well, are you
(34:22):
really queer if you're just like talking to men, or
are you really like what is this? You know? I
just like I feel like I shame myself a lot
and all of these different aspects, and so that weighs
heavily when I feel like, I, I don't know, if
you just get reminded of all these things and it's.
Speaker 1 (34:41):
Not as heavy as it used to be. I feel
way lighter, But it's never gonna stop.
Speaker 3 (34:48):
Like these things are never not going to come up
when you're dating, especially, and then you get into relationship
and then you're with that other person and then there's
a whole other.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Level, you know.
Speaker 3 (34:57):
So I think I'm just like, yeah, I would love
to get like a something in my brain where they
just shake it and then I'm another person.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
I'm a different person when it comes to love.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
But it's kind of wild because like we do live
in because of online, because of Instagram, because of the algorithms,
we really do believe that there's something better out there
for us. Right, there's oh, I think I can do better,
like or we get the X really easily, like all
these different things. There's also just the fact that we
live in a really big city. Right, there's also just
the thing about that we are very like you know,
(35:33):
a lot of people don't look like Kim k. A
lot of people don't look like I don't know what's
Taylor Swifts, like Taylor Swifts or her Man. Like when
you look different, you're gonna have to be in your
own kind of lane too. I will say that, Like
we live in La Dating in La is a beese.
It's so ugly, it's so weird. Like not only do
(35:54):
you go down the list of like am I physically
attracted to them? But like what do you do for
a living? Like I don't don't know if anybody else
in different cities if that matters. But in LA, you're
kind of like, oh, okay, like that's I mean, I
was worse when I was younger. Now I'm kind of
like it's cool, Like I don't really care what people
do as long as I like you. But I know
that there's a lot of people, Like one time one
(36:15):
of our friends was like, oh, in LA, it matters
what you drive. Like she was like, you have to
have a nice car. Like what's that, I'll tell you later.
But they're like, you have to have a nice car
because people judge you by your car, by like what
you have. But I remember thinking, I don't, but I
know that if they picked me up in a little raggedy.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Bucket, what about it? Twenty thirteen Toyota Aris.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
You have a cool car. You have a pretty car.
But if it was like I also would be kind
of like, ah, like this is a little interesting, like
and you know, they're just little things that I'm also
in learning about myself. But that's up to me, right,
If I get a voice them from something, I'm like, yeah,
but I all that to say, like you're not alone,
and you're right, Like a lot of people get activated
and triggered by these things, and again, if this individual
(36:59):
is listening to this like a thousand apologies, like that
was really not my intention to activate you. I also
have a lot of work to do on myself in
terms of, you know, feeling like I don't owe people communication.
Maybe I do. Maybe that's my toxic trait.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
I think it's a balance, like, no, you don't owe
anyone after two fucking days.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
But if they're asking.
Speaker 3 (37:20):
For yeah, yeah, there's there's some work to be done
for sure, for everyone.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
There's some situations where I also like, didn't communicate as
well as I could, even after reading from minute you know,
so I know that that's not I don't ever want
to sit here and paint myself as being like And
that's part of the whole thing all of us. We're
all learning in real time. We're all on different tracks,
we're all figuring it out. But I when you feel
that voice or you feel that person of like do
(37:46):
they like me, just put your phone down, just go.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
I know I need like a little something to do
when because I am very busy. It doesn't matter if
I'm busy or not, I will still be like Maria
is a feel like a hyperfixation.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
But that's all good. Yeah, it's all good. Welcome to
the astrology portion. Based off of the topic what sign
do we want to talk about? What sign?
Speaker 2 (38:21):
He was Yeah, I guess, well already know.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Well, well listen, I don't know what it is.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
What's happening with the sign? I don't know.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
It's you. You're the one who's kind of conjuring it up. Tours.
Speaker 2 (38:36):
By the way, I just scratched my nose. I didn't
pick anything. I he was a Yeah, he's a tourist.
What's going on?
Speaker 1 (38:43):
Will there be more Taurus slander this season?
Speaker 3 (38:46):
Because I've been getting I've been getting some comments that
are like, what's up with the Taurus slander?
Speaker 2 (38:51):
I mean, okay, look, my mom's a tourist, my sister's
a tourist. One of my best sides is a tourists.
My last partner was a tourist. Like I have so
many good toys in my life. They're good people, but
there's something about if they get in their head about
something like it's that's it. Like they're it's fixed, you
know what I mean, They're Earth's signed. So that's how
(39:12):
we work. Like we're very stubborn about stuff.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
They're the most stubborn Earth's sign.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
Really, I think more than Virgo, more than.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Virgo, and well, Capricorns are pretty stubborn, but they will
find an angle to understand. And for a healed Capricorn Taurus,
I feel like, I don't know. I love them so much.
I have like Taurus besties that I grew up with.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
But yeah, it's one thing I've heard about Tauruses which
I don't know, and I've heard them they have said
this to me is we are never wrong. And I like,
I've had other people tell me about other tourises in
my life. Whatever, I'll just say, like people tell me
my sister right, They're like, your sister's never wrong, and
(40:06):
I think my sister's never wrong too, like I do.
I think my sister's very fair. But I also feel
like it's a very dangerous thing if people around you
are saying they're never like if I were to say
about you, like Maya's never wrong, like I think that's
a moment for you to go wrong, you know, and
saying that. But if you hear my tone, if I
were to be like, according to my life, she's never wrong, right,
(40:30):
like that kind of is a is A is a
weird thing to kind of consider. Like you've told me before,
like curly, like you used to be super stubborn and
you've gotten better over time. But I have done a
lot of reflection where now where am I apply? Am
I still applying that same kind of energy of being
like no? And it is a balance, right, like knowing
when you're wrong, but also knowing when to stand up
(40:51):
for yourself because sometimes you're like yo maleho. I feel
like that's I feel like I'm the type of person
where like yes, I'm a yes person, I'm a more
yes person than I am a no person.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
And we're talking about the my hair looks so long.
Speaker 3 (41:05):
Sorry, we're talking about and I don't want to say
unhealed because it's kind of fucked up. I don't know
them like that, but you know, we get the gun.
We get the kind of like low vibrational vibe from
these certain tauruses, you know, like where they're acting like this,
where they're just like, well fine, like that's a trash emoji.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
After two days, girl, yeah, girl, I will.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
Say I have been hearing, at least for me, more
and more bashing of the earth signs. And I'm the
first one to say it like I literally.
Speaker 3 (41:38):
Because aries and fire signs, we need a break because
but I honestly like I'm with it, Like I'm like Capricorns, like, please,
like communicate better, just be softer.
Speaker 2 (41:51):
But when you think you're being nice, be nicer. Yes.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
But I have been around a Capricorn who I feel
like I'm experiencing the sweet cool side of a Capricorn
where they will tell you straight up like oh, I
just want to go home, and I'm like, perfect, great, yeah,
go home, I'll go home.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
Like I love that.
Speaker 3 (42:10):
Like me and my friend were like trying to figure
out like what we wanted to do, and we're.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Like, oh, well should we do this and should we
do that? And she's like I think I'm just going
to go home yeah, And I'm like, OK.
Speaker 3 (42:20):
I love the transparency. I don't take things like that personal.
I'm very like perfect, I'm like, but let's definitely hang
out later and let's do whatever. I love the straightforwardness.
And this person is such a hard worker, but they
also allow themselves to be in community and surrounded by
(42:42):
community and invest in community. And I feel like sometimes
with Capricorns, they are such hard workers to a fault
where they will be inside their heads so much to
where that's all they see, that's all they are, and
when they poke their head out, oh yeah, community and
sometimes they'll be like, oh yeah, community, I will use
(43:03):
them for my business and it's like no, no, Like,
oh my god, my eyes open.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
I thought you're gonna be like And that concludes the.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
Mac concludes the astrology portion. No, but I get this
a lot.
Speaker 3 (43:18):
I go live a lot on TikTok. I think three
days a week, click around twelve to maybe like eight
pm around those times, and people ask they always give
me their Big three and I'm like, oh, okay, But
Virgos I feel like I feel like the Virgo collective
is healing.
Speaker 1 (43:37):
I feel it because I think in.
Speaker 3 (43:40):
The past we have gotten this version of them that
is very textbook, where it's like they're this, they're that,
they're hardcore, they're about their business. They're very analytical, and
I'm like, we have to we can't forget that they're
a woman. Yeah, it's a they're in they're in their
(44:02):
feminine extreme feminine sign.
Speaker 5 (44:06):
It is. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:08):
And when we attach that idea to you know, them
being analytical, all that stuff, like there's a flow, there's
a fluidity to them, and we have to, like as
a collective with everybody, bring that out of them and
celebrate that part of them, because I feel like for
so long they have been like you're not like they
(44:30):
just have this persona where they're not masculine enough because
they have so much femininity in them. So that's why
they overdo it with by being perfect with everything, which
is actually like contrasting and conflicting with their sign, you know,
with the like who they present. They're like the only
(44:51):
woman you know. So there's a helicopter. We're almost done. Helicopter.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
I do want to say too, if I may, that
I do think that virgos can be toxic in the
way that they are so self critical that it sometimes
bleeds out into other people around them and people feel like, like,
you know, with me, let's just say a quick example,
I'll be like, oh, I never leave my shoes in
the hallway. Let's just say and let's say, now that's
stuck in your head or someone else's head.
Speaker 1 (45:29):
But my shoes are out. Look at a pile of
shoes because I thought of you, are you making me better?
Speaker 2 (45:38):
But that's the thing. Am I making better? Am I
making you in secure about your shoes right like now
you're yeah, yeah, you know if I'm I used to be,
I used to tell I remember being a young gay
and telling my girls like I always like when girls
were heels. I think it's really cool because I always
and they're like, well, what if you're like overdressed, and
I'm like, I'll always notice the girl on heels, and
(45:58):
I remember that that never left their heads because they're
I'm like, your poor feet, like, don't listen to me.
Speaker 3 (46:03):
Where I've known people who have worn heals their entire
lives and they have had to get foot surgery from it.
Speaker 2 (46:10):
That's wild.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
And that concludes the astrology portion. Of course, when it
gets to my sign court me, how do you plead?
Speaker 2 (46:22):
I think that if you feel a little anxious about dating,
just know that that is normal. That is a normal
part of dating. We're all a little anxious in different ways,
whether it's talking on the phone for the first time,
seeing people for the first time, making eye contact over dinner.
We're all a little nervous. That's part of the thrill.
Enjoy it because the person for you will absolutely match
(46:42):
that energy and you will just feel you'll just fall
into it like very easily. So yes, trust it. Yeah,
how do you plead?
Speaker 3 (46:49):
I think I agree plus one. And to add to that,
I think we all can do. We all are due
for a little bit of a checkup of like a
check in with ourselves. And and you know, like you said,
like maybe there is some I don't think.
Speaker 1 (47:06):
You're toxic in the way you text. I think you just.
Speaker 3 (47:11):
Like are so consumed with other things that are like
right there in front of your face that like that's
just kind of how your brain operates. And if you
explain that to someone who is willing to understand and
not put their traumas at the forefront, like, then that's
kind of how you flow. And I feel like for me,
you know, I after coming off of like being sick,
(47:34):
having such a low energy, low vibration, low self esteem,
like had COVID for like nearly twenty days and then
had like a little crush that fizzled, Like my self
esteem was low, and so coming into this new dating thing,
you know, how can I not think that I'm I'm
not doing for like a little bit of a check
(47:54):
in with myself with my anxiety.
Speaker 2 (47:57):
So one quick lass note about voice notes. Sometimes people
aren't in the space to hear them, so like, you'll.
Speaker 1 (48:02):
Save it for four days, and.
Speaker 2 (48:05):
I still have to call a she sent me, AG
sent me a voice note like for different because it's family.
Speaker 1 (48:10):
AG's family.
Speaker 3 (48:11):
We're all like if you send me something like I know, like, oh,
he hasn't called me, or he hasn't texted, so I'm
just gonna call or I'm just gonna whatever. And I
know you'll get back to me eventually. But that's because
we have years of experience with how we You know,
when you're just talking to somebody for the first time,
you don't know and you're putting all of your assumptions
and perceptions and projections at the forefront.
Speaker 2 (48:32):
Yeah, also really quick, You're a lot to feel how
you feel. He's a lot to feel how you feel. Yes,
that's okay. Yeah, we just keep it moving.
Speaker 3 (48:40):
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of
the Super Secret Bestie Club podcast Curly.
Speaker 1 (48:44):
How can we find you on social media?
Speaker 2 (48:46):
You can find me on social media at the Curly
v Show on Instagram and TikTok for the next nine
months and.
Speaker 3 (48:51):
All right, you can find me at my in the
Moment m Ay in the Moments anywhere where you scroll,
and don't forget to hit us up on our social
We need to let us know what do you want
to hear on this next season, Who you want to
hear from, maybe some guests that you have in mind.
Speaker 1 (49:07):
Let us know. Hit us up.
Speaker 2 (49:09):
We love you, love you to love us back, though,
geez hey, thank.
Speaker 5 (49:25):
Make sure to hit that subscribe button to hear more
episodes every single week. The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast
is a production of Sonodo in partnership with iHeartRadio's Michael
Thuda podcast network.
Speaker 2 (49:37):
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Hey, Curly, I just wanted to check in on you.
See how are you doing? I miss you?
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Thirty seconds late there.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Wow, he still hasn't messaged me back. That's kind of crazy.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Thirty seconds late there. Wow.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Okay, so he really hates me.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
So we're not best friends anymore and everything is just.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Oh hey, Bessie, sorry, I was at my nephew's recital,
so I didn't get a chance answer your messages.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
Oh if you see me refollow you on Instagram, that
was totally a glitch. And if you see those tweets
mess up tweeting, that was totally not about you, even
though he's called you by your first and last name.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Oh were you viraling again?
Speaker 3 (00:40):
Maybe I have a little bit of my anxious attachment style.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Yeah, okay, let's talk about it.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Okay, okay.
Speaker 4 (00:48):
My name is Curly and I'm Maya and welcome to
the Super Secret Bestie Club podcast.
Speaker 5 (00:54):
A super secret club where we talk about super secret things.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Yeah, like secrets that are super that's what it is.
Speaker 4 (01:01):
In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreaks, men,
and of course our favorite secrets.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yes, here we are again, my friend. Thank you so
much for listening to our Super Secret Bestic Clve podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
What accident is that.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
In your kulo? I like chocolate bananas. I think it's
a mixture of French. I like to speak. I kind
of do like a French And then, oh, yes, my
name is Gary. My name is Gary. I love to
(01:47):
take message on. I do not know why everybody gets
so mad at me. My name is Celindia. I love
Celindia and bust her.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
So as you can tell in the intro of this,
I was displaying a little bit of my anxious attachment
style when it comes to texting and waiting for that text.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Anxious.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I yeah, I'm anxious avoidance. I switch between those. I
feel like sometimes I'm secure. And of course, like these
attachment styles too are a little dated because there's a
lot of studies that come out that are like, well, actually,
like love languages and attachment styles are like, yes, they
(02:31):
are only like a very small small portion of what
makes up of They're just needs, their needs and wants.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
And change based off of cultures and.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
Where we're where we are at in our lives. And
it's also like we shouldn't be like just identifying ourselves
with these labels.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Yes, and some certain relationships can bring out certain aspects
of those things in you, Like you might actually be
somebody who isn't anxious and because of the way that
you're being treated, they you kind of it. Yeah, yeah,
what's the other one? What's the third one?
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Anxious? Avoidant? Secure?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Secure? My therapist called me a secure, which I will
tell you I would too.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I would too, I'd be like by the way, I'm secure.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
But there are, like you said, there's sometimes when maybe
we follow off the wagon a little bit.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
I have a bit of a story.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
We're gonna be talking about texting and anxiety and dating.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
We have some story times.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
Recently, I got back on the dating apps after maybe
like three months of not being on because I wanted
to like do a little cleanse. I was just feeling
a little bit like I needed to just not worry
about that. And so now I feel like, Okay, let
me get back out there. Let me I'm only on
one app. I'm on Hinge.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
And so I matched with this guy who's really cute.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Yeah, so cute, and I was like, oh my god,
he's like six to two whatever, but he.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Was just like adorable.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
He's like a nerdy no boy like and we were talking,
I would say for I would say for like a
weekend or a couple of days. And I at first
was like, not the best at texting because I was busy.
I was hosting a friend. He was staying here for
the weekend. But I was updating him along the way
like sorry, I'm slow at texting. I'm doing all this stuff,
(04:20):
like just to let him know. And then uh, like
I went to this Luna, went to the Luna Luna
exhibit that's here in La and there's some drama with
that exhibit. It's this exhibit that like Drake had he
contributed to getting it out of storage and it has
all these iconic artists that was Basquiat and it was
(04:41):
in Hamburg, Australia, and it has not been out in
thirty five years. So it's like and now it's going
back into storage because they're going bankrupt. So I was
explaining this thing as I sent him a voice note
explaining the drama from the Luna Luna thing because I
had just come back from it, and and he was like, oh,
that's really cool. And then I sent him one one
(05:05):
minute voice note and then a thirty second one, or
like a fifteen second one and then he stopped messaging
me for a couple of days, and I just know
that I went into this weird psychosis where I was
just like I got triggered because also there was like
some other underlining things that were happening around love that
(05:27):
I felt like I got gas gas lit. I felt
like I was invalidated and something that I had experienced,
so it felt like adding extra salt.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
To the wound. It was like a new wound.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
So I got very upset and instead of like messaging
or something, I just unmatched him. And I think I
regret that a little bit because I really forgot that
I have a tendency to get anxious when it comes
to distance or you know. But I was also just
like bro like it by now we should have been
(06:00):
out on a date, Like by the end of the week,
we should have been out on a date.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Okay, I don't.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Want to stay in the texting phase at all, Like
I don't care, like, let's just meet, let's meet already,
you know.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
And I think he was kind of lagging that a lot. Yeah,
so unmatched him and then I.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Like, you know, compared to the story that you're about
to tell, Yeah, I'm kind of like, dang, did I
kind of make a mistake or something.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Well, I feel like the first thing I would say
is like, don't feel guilty about unmatching, like part of
life in general, bigger pictures learning your patterns, and I
think you're just it's an opportunity to learn about your patterns. Also,
you can always reget the app again if you really
are like, oh, like who knows like.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
You unmatched him?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
No? No, but like if you if you delete your profile,
it will populate again. You can also, like I really
feel like, as somebody who's been on the dating apps
for so long, like there's different dating etiquette, right, Different
people treat it differently. Sometimes people delete the app and
you'll be like, oh no, they unmatched me and blah
(07:06):
blah blah blah, And you're like, no, they just deleted
the app. They'll be back on in a few months
and go, oh, hey, nice to see you again. I
deleted the app. And it's so casual, it's so like,
oh okay, I'm.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Just so like over that stuff.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Like I think I just like, I am so frustrated,
and I think I allowed that frustration to kind of
like come over.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Me a little bit.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
And and influence my my anxiety.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
But I was also like, like a part of.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
My anxiety too, was like, oh did he find out
who I was?
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Like did he see who I was? And then he's
like ooh, because that has happened before.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
It's happened before, where you know, they'll ask me to
send a video or two or ask me what I do.
I send them that video or they see my profile
and they stop talking to me.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
You know, that happens to me so much. But I
feel like what has really helped me lately? And maybe
this applies to you or anybody, but like when you
send these things, it is a reflection on how you
feel about yourself in your way, because like when they
used to ask for my socials, I would get really
embarrassed because I had like BuzzFeed stuff I had, like
I'm and you know this, like I'm so much more
(08:16):
I'm I think of myself as like a little baby Koala,
Like I feel like energetically I'm a little bit I
can wake up, but most of the time I want
to take a nap on your couch and I'm very
like cozy vibes. So I feel like when people see
my Instagram they get the wrong idea that maybe I'm
high energy this and this, and so I'm like, but lately,
my content's been reflecting more of my personality, like my
actual personality, and so I feel more comfortable sending it
(08:40):
because when they see it and they don't like it,
I actually don't care because I'm like, that's who I am.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Yeah, and I think I still have some some healing
or inner work to do around my online I don't
even want to say persona, but I just like my
online presence it is me.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
It is an extra of me. But I feel like
that's where if you were to.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
See me on stage, I would be I amp it up, Like, Yeah,
I did that bud Light commercial and one of the
biggest notes that they gave us was like, you guys
are at fifty percent. We need you at one hundred percent. Yeah,
we need you at one hundred percent. So I think
my Instagram and stuff is it's a performance. You know
(09:25):
I'm performing, but like, I don't want you to like
know that version of me before you get to know
this version of me, And I want you to understand
that that is an extension of me. I'm an actor,
I'm a singer.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
I'm a performer.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
I'm like an artist, so I need someone to be
able to have that, like be able to cart what
was it called compartmentalized?
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Yeh. And the right person will write, like the right
person will totally see that, like who you are and
who your online persona is. And I mean that's not
just like us, but like every entertainer, like Beyonce has
talked about being Sasha Fears for so long, like every
entertainer has their own personality and then who they are.
You know, I've forever dueled with that or I felt
(10:11):
very uncomfortable with it because I feel like, how do
I marry who I actually am and who I am online?
Like I just and I've just rediscovered this is very
personal to me right now, Like I'm just rediscovering like
my ideas of what I thought a gay man should
act like or look like. We're highly influenced by the
media and the nineties and the two thousands, right, so
(10:31):
I played into that. And so even now where people
are like give us the SaaS, I'm like, I'm not
really that sassy, right, and.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
In their versions of ourselves, their eras. I feel like
I've calmed down a lot, like since I've turned thirty
or like entered my when I entered the end of
my twenties and then turned thirty now thirty one, I
feel like I've calmed down a lot in the way
of not needing to make content for validation. Yeah, I
(11:00):
think that's why I feel more confident now to share
my social media sometimes. But although I don't think I will,
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
It's hard.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
I feel like do whatever feels comfortable in the right time.
Like I think that with dating. I saw this really
cool wired. Wired's YouTube channel right now is doing this
incredible series called like Support and basically they have different
people from different professions answering top questions on Twitter. And
they had this like dating Relationship Expert, and they were
(11:30):
talking about online dating and they were saying that most
people these days are meeting each other online more so
I guess than I mean. It's hard to take because
where in the world is she talking about, right, But
let's just say for the sake of this conversation, it's
US based. So she was saying that meeting people online
is actually showing more data that you're actually getting a crime.
Dela crame online because it's people who have a little
(11:52):
bit more of an education, a little bit like more
of a bigger financial status. Like it's just showing like different,
like better people. According to this woman, She also was
saying that, like it's not by much, but a lot
of couples that meet online tend to stay together a
little bit longer than couples that meet in person. So online,
(12:13):
according to this individual, is the place to be, is
the place to meet people, and saying that, like, I
also had like this weird I was talking to the
Lord right now?
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Why Lord, Lord, why?
Speaker 2 (12:28):
I mean, look for better for worse. You post your
best photos and then you know, hope for the best.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
My profiles good huh yes?
Speaker 2 (12:34):
And did you like mine? Mine? Cute? So I'm also back.
I had like deleted mine for a while. I just
wasn't ready, and I realized that I was hurting some
people by just not being emotionally ready, and so I
finally dipped in. And I'm very like talkative, I like
getting I'm like you, I like moving from the app
to text message almost right away, and I want to
(12:57):
set up a phone call almost like immediately because I
want to here.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
So you go from app to.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Texting next, and then a phone call.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Yeah, time, I just want to go from app to
hang out.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
Oh my god. Tinder offers like the best. They offer FaceTime,
so you can actually send FaceTime. Hinge offers voice notes. Yes,
Tinder is really great because even before you go to
like phone number status, you can have a FaceTime with them.
And I kind of far better or for worse, have
kind of dipped out once I FaceTime because I'm like,
they're cute, but it's like not a match, Like I
can talk to them right away, it's like not a
(13:29):
match in saying that I'm a little colder. Like you know,
I said this to you. One of the first times
I ever won on a date with somebody, I got ghosted.
It was my first time being on a gay date.
I wore my favorite fur boots at the time, and
I got ghosted, and so.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Yeah, it's right for boots.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Fur boots, And I immediately learned the lesson, like, oh,
this is the probably the law of the land and
the gay world. And I've now been out since I
was thirteen years old, like, and it is like gay
guys ghost left and right. I was talking to this
amazing cool guy that worked on Rodeo Drive ghosted me FaceTime,
and he ghosted me. You know, I talked to another
guy who also worked on More Day Drive. Maybe they're friends.
(14:05):
He ghosted me, and that's fine. Like I before it
would have hurt me, but now I just understand it
that that's just the way that things happen. And so
I feel like I used to get that anxiety before,
and now I kind of if I feel it, what
I always tell you, like, just get busy, like stay busy,
match with other people, go clean your place, like, go
(14:27):
refold some laundry, like and then by the time you
look up, it's been three hours and you were kind
of like, oh, they texted or they didn't text me,
like whatever. You might have a new match, you might
be out with friends, you meet somebody on the check
couple on me.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
It sneaks it. You get tested a lot. Because I
feel like I.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Had I think I was like, yeah, I'm ready, and
then when these things happen where it kind of triggers
these old attachment styles, I'm like, oh shit, but you
had an interesting experience that is kind of the other
side of what I'm talking.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Yeah, I mean I kind of Okay, here's the thing
I recognize that I am a toxic individual in terms
of communicating sometimes that it's not mean necessarily being mean,
Like I've talked about being diagnosed with severe ADHD, and
so I genuinely will forget. My timeline in terms of
texting is just radically different than other people. Even if
(15:21):
I like you, I just will forget, Like I just like,
I will literally talk about somebody that I like a
lot and completely forget to text them, and I'll be
talking like NonStop about how amazing they are. Right, So
that's just me. So I matched with this individual. Whatever,
if you don't hear from me in a few days,
I'll say a Maya has the info, blame them. But
(15:42):
basically we matched on a Wednesday, maybe even Tuesday. I'll
even give them a little bit more time, but I'll
say Wednesday, and we were like, let's have a phone
call tomorrow. On Thursday, we were texting a little bit.
Thursday came around. I was on my way to a
meeting and and I was in We decided to call
(16:03):
each other. I was like, I'll just call him all
on my way to the meeting, but I went to
go get some coffee first. So when he was on
the phone with me. He sent me he knew I
was getting coffee and he sent me ten dollars and
I was like, that's so sweet. I was like, wow, well,
I was like, oh my god, no guy has ever
done that to me, like before he's even met me.
That's so sweet. Like maybe that's how he likes to
treat his boys, Like I got you, babe, like thinking
(16:24):
of you, I'm very similar. So then we know we
(16:44):
kept talking. We hit it off. We were talking about
kind of our similarities and what we're looking for and
building partnership and building like family wealth.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
I guess generational well.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Generational, well, thank you, and so like we were just
really hitting it off and I and I really thought
he was cool. So then I had a really like
intense work day and then at night I hung out
with some friends and he was texting me like hey, hey,
what's up? What's up? And I just didn't have time
to reply because I was just.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
How many times did he like double triple?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
I'd say a lot?
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Yeah, oh really, like what was.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Not like that? I can't really say. I don't want
to be Oh my god. He text me like sixteen
times and maybe like three times I would say, it
was all hey, it was like, hey, what's up, what's
going on? How are you and my patterns? Yeah, Look,
when i'm with somebody like you're kind of like my family.
When I'm with your you are my family, You're not
kind of like my family. When I'm with family, like,
(17:42):
I'm not, as I would say, courteous. I am on
my phone a lot. But if I'm like with like
a meeting, or if I'm like with somebody who's venting
about something that's happening, I don't have my phone on me.
You could even say that right now, I don't have
my phone on me. My phone's recording, you know what
I mean. Like, so people get very like anyways, So
I just didn't have my phone and I had a
friend come over. I didn't text at night, I didn't
(18:04):
call again.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Yeah, you're being present exactly.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
The next day I had work again, of course, and
I you know, I work hard, and I worked very quickly,
so I was very busy. And that afternoon, one of
like my life besties came over because their dog of
like eleven twelve years died. They were the dogs of
pit bull. Her name's Suki, and Suki came before Frank
(18:30):
my pit bull, and they were homies and so hearing
you know, me and my friend were like crying together
because we were remembering our children. And again I just
was not on my phone. And then I was like
she went home and I wanted to go out. I
was like, you know what, it's now Friday. I'm ready
to let loose and go out. So I'm out. And
(18:53):
I get two phone calls from this individual around twelve
am and more text messages and I just am like
I'm out, like I don't want to text back or
I don't want to reply, like I don't You're not
my boyfriend. I just met you. I don't feel like
I owe anybody, even like my Like you could have
texted me at twelve and called. I mean, if you
called me, I would have been like, oh hey, that's
out of your patterns. But if you would have text
(19:14):
me like, oh to tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Like we know each other enough to where we have
an understanding that I think after seven or after eight,
if it's really really important, then like yes, but we're
mostly like hermit shut down loads to ourselves to be
charged exactly.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
But they someone's not going to know that about you.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
So he panicked and texted me and was like why
he was, Oh, so I first mentioned this earlier in
the day. It sent me a long text being like, hey,
I noticed that your communication has changed. It shifted. If
you're not interested, let me know, but also if you are,
and I sent him a reply saying like, hey, I
totally get it. I've been really busy. I'm really sorry.
(19:52):
This is kind of how I communicate. So if you're
not comfortable with this, and if it's not a match,
that's okay. He replied back, it is a match. I
had to I had a really good time talking to you,
so I'm just trying to gauge where we're at. And
I also reply And then I didn't reply to that
because it was at four o'clock and I was still
on the clockworking, you know, And I was like, I
need to process that text message because it feels a
(20:13):
little too heavy for two days of conversation at this point. Yeah,
I was like, it's a little too heavy for I
need to figure out how I want to approach this
and how I want to like two days, two days
girl too. Sorry, I was like two day days, So
I'm trying to figure out, like, how do I want
to approach this. How do I want to be like, hey,
(20:34):
it's only been two days. This is how I communicate.
I am telling you right now, like I am not
the best, but if I move into a relationship with somebody,
I will always work on those and those are things
that I can work on when that's what we're doing. Right.
I didn't get a chance to send that text. I
was just I forgot. I was just busy living my
best life. Come twelve o'clock he calls me. He's texting me,
(20:57):
and the messages gave me kind of wild anxiety because
he was like, wow, how old are we laughing my
ass off? He is like, I forgot what he said.
But then he sent me like a trash emoji and
he was like, no, I never want to talk to
you again. And I was like, oh, this is too
much energy, like for just a few days. So I
sent this kind of like lengthy text message.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
It's pretty good, and so we want we want to
dissect it.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
Also, Okay, we're not licensed therapists or anything.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
We're just people with trying to navigate. So I will
say this, I I'm not always right. I don't know
how to reply. I'm I know that I can be toxic.
I know that I can be messy, so I'm not
like a perfect person by any means at all. But
I answered the next morning around nine thirty am. I
was still in bed. I wrote, good morning. This was
(21:48):
kind of an anxiety inducing message to open up. By
the way, I think they blocked me, so I don't
think they ever got this message. So if they're listening,
this is true. This is kind of an anxiety inducing
message to open up. First of all, apologies for the delays.
I work a lot, all capital letters, and then I
had a friend's dog die, so I was with her
for the rest of the day. Of course, all capital letters.
Of course you deserve a reply. I also deserve time
(22:10):
to process your text in my own way. I wasn't
sure how to tell you that I also enjoyed our conversation,
but I wanted you to ease up a little bit,
let me come to you a little bit, take me,
let me take my own time. But as an adult,
it's also not my responsibility to say to you, Hey,
you just met me, ease up. I actually did want
(22:32):
to hang out, and I did. I actually was like, hey, oh.
By the way he sent me more money because he
was like, oh, you hang with your friends. Here's more money.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
See that's after two days.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
After two days, yes.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
That's a lot.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
It's a lot. But I also was like, oh my god,
I get it, like this is probably how he's like
to date. And I told him like, and in my head,
I was fully intending. I told him to you, I'm like,
let me out here for the coffee when we hang
like I fully intending to pay him back. So I said,
I actually did want to hang out. I thought you
were super cool. He is not. Everyone will process the
way that you do, or communicate exactly how you would
(23:03):
like them to immediately. In relationships, Comma, you learn over time,
not one day, how one communicates, how one prefers to
be communicated with, and hopefully you find some common ground.
Apologies for the anxiety you may have felt with my
delays in replying, but I just met you. It was
(23:24):
one day of talking and by day two you were
sending me a trash emoji. I hope you find what
you're looking for. I know you will. Let's not talk anymore.
Best of luck, thank you heart emoji. I was like, it's.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
Beautiful, beautiful, because that kind of put me in check
a little bit.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
I'm like that I want to talking about me or
was no, no, no, I'm not.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
I don't want to say as bad because there's nothing
you know, It's it's a trauma response social it's a
trauma response that maybe this is his come to Jesus
where you know, he's kind of like, oh wow, if
you're probably oh for sure, you know, he's blocked and
unblocked you for sure to see if you message. But
(24:11):
like hearing that, I'm like, oh, yeah, what I was experiencing.
I was experiencing my anxiety where I had sent him
that voice note which was on hinge, you know, and
I was like, he probably thinks my voice is weird.
Might maybe like he noticed my speech impediment or like
my blah.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Blah blah or you know.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
So I was like totally And then I got a
little bit mad too, because I was like, wow, you're
gonna freaking like ghost me after a couple of days
when we haven't even like met yet, and well, you know,
like I totally went into this kind of like and
I think because I haven't dated in a long time,
but it is true that like I have been there
(24:53):
where I have been super busy. There's been a lot,
and I've had somebody push me and be like hey,
like oh, I just wanted to say you have a
good day, or like hey, what are you doing?
Speaker 1 (25:03):
Or hey blah blah.
Speaker 3 (25:04):
When I have told them I'm going to be busy today,
I'm gonna be working blah blah blah.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Like they just totally.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Interrupt and invade your space and not even realize that
what I'm asking for is space.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
And I'm telling you I'm not.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
Going to be as active, but let's be active when
we hang out or what we meet.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
You know.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
It's kind of like that just period of anxiety you
go through. But this is such a great text message
because well.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Can I ask you a question? Oh? Sorry, oh I
wanted to ask you? Like when you get in your
head and you do such a think about did they
not like my voice or did they not like this?
Like that's almost like the bare minimum, right, like if
someone is like your voice, you don't exactly you stop
at the gate.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
Yes, yeah, And it's something that I'm like, oh, once again,
I am putting this person on a pedestal.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
And someone that you don't.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
Validation because he's cute, he's tall. And that's another thing
with my journey in like my queer identity is like,
are there big parts of me that are more interested
in validation from men than I am attracted to.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Them, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
And that's something I feel like, like do I actually
like them for them or do I just want them
to validate me because I have a masculine wound feminine wound.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Those are amazing questions to ask yourself, right, like when
getting into any sort of relationship at all, because I
think the answer is yes, right.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
And I am attracted to men unfortunately, yes. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:45):
So it was like I think it was, and I'm
not like this all the time. I just like got
over being sick, and I had like a weird experience,
like I said before, with like me thinking that I
like like this person, me and this person were on
the same page, and then it wasn't and I kind
(27:07):
of got crunch and so I was feeling extra sensitive
and extra like really in my feelings. And I feel
like I have developed a lot of my confidence within
my career and in my identity as far as that,
and I think with love, there's still a lot of
things that are resurfacing that I'm like, oh, man, I
forgot about that. But it's not like I don't I
(27:28):
don't really like freak out or it's not like a
huge trauma response, but it's there are things that I'm
able to now in my healing journey not just be
blinded by my trauma but shine a light on it
and call it what it is and be like, are
you just looking for validation or do you actually like
this person?
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Yeah? I will say, like the validation is such a
big deal, And I think that it has to do
a lot with like the media that we grew up in.
I think the cities that we grew up in, the
cultures that we grew up in. Like how many times,
like for me, when I was with my gay friends
growing up my entire life, Like how many times were
my gay friends always the cute ones and I was
like the weird, eccentric one and I was not getting
(28:06):
validated by my own community at all? Right, Like how
many times do girls, you know, if you have sisters,
there's always like, oh, that's the pretty sister, or a
group of girlfriends where they're like, oh, they're the pretty girls,
And then there's whatever like, we all have those moments
where we don't feel adequate, and I think that that
shows up in a lot of different ways, right, Like
me when I go to clubs now or bars or whatever,
(28:29):
not clubs. When I go to bars, I'm always like,
I actually say a little prayer when I leave, I'm like,
can I have a pretty night? Like can I please
have a little pretty night?
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Or than tonight?
Speaker 2 (28:38):
Can I please feel pretty when I go out? And
I don't want to lose it to anything like and
it's been working by the way it's been working. When
I go out and I feel like I just want
to have a little bit of a pretty night. But
I feel like I will say that I wasn't always there,
Like I was an anxious attachment person. I would get
really anxious when somebody wouldn't reply to me. I would
be like, what's wrong with the way that I look,
(29:00):
way that I talk and all these other things? And
I would be lying to you if I said that
I didn't do stuff about it, right, Like, we all
know that I've had certain things done cosmetically that have
enhanced me to certain aspects. Right, So I'm not gonna
sit here and be like it's all about self. Well, no,
I had a whole lost nose job practice. Yeah, Like,
(29:20):
but here's the thing. You can get a nose job
and you still don't feel like that person. So it's
kind of like it's a yes and no. So yes,
I got the nose job, Yes I had some things done,
but like at the same time, I didn't feel prettier
and I still wasn't getting validated in those ways. I
really feel like what has helped me a lot is
staying busy and also being like, by the time this guy,
(29:45):
every the time I noticed that this guy hasn't replied
to me, it hasn't answered me, there's a new match.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
Right, And that's where a lot of people's advice is
like you should be talking to like all these people,
blah blah blah. I'm like, I think I need to
practice that. But there's something in my spear and in
my capacity to hold other people and to compartmentalize different people,
and to you know, that's just is like I've never
been able to do that, but it is a practice
(30:11):
that's necessary because then I feel like every single time
I get hung up on one person, and then I
just like zero in and focus on that person and
then it you kind of and then they're also talking.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
To a million other people, you know.
Speaker 3 (30:26):
So it's one of those things that I definitely feel
like it's a practice, like I said, because I've been
out of the game for a long, long, long time
and it's going to take that like working on Okay,
So this person quote unquote rejected you. What are you
going to do about it? Are you going to talk
about it? Are you gonna blah blah blah. I get
hurt and then I crawl into my whole and then
(30:48):
I don't I write a song about it, and then
I don't come out until later and then it's like
three months later, you know.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
So it also brings up an idea of like what
is rejection? Right, Like I don't feel like I rejected
that guy. I just genuinely got busy, right. I don't
feel like there's a lot of guys that I'm like,
they can see it as rejection, but in my head,
I'm like, we just didn't the vibe wasn't there, Like
I just you know, it's fine.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
Yeah. It just goes back to like what is my
perception of men and the masculine, And you know, when
it comes to women. I feel like I've always been
validated by women, and I feel like I don't have
much of a problem there.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
When it comes to like dating and stuff.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
I feel like I feel really in a good flow
when I'm like flirting with the girl or flirting with
someone else who's queer, because it doesn't feel it doesn't
feel like a challenge, or it doesn't feel like I'm
fighting myself or doesn't feel cloudy, you know, but it's
still something that like, Unfortunately, I'm attracted to men too.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
I did want to say something about I really believe
that there is dating etiquette on these apps. Right. Some
people reply faster, some people don't. I think that having
the understanding that people don't communicate the way that you
do is super important. Sometimes they do get another match
and they're talking there and yours will get kind of
pushed out, and that's also okay. You can feel free
(32:09):
to bump it. I've gotten bumped by so many guys
that'll be like, hey, what's up, and I'm like, oh
my god, hey what's up. I've met so many guys
that we match like six times, and they'll be like, okay,
this is it. We have to hang out yeah, and
then you talk and it's like fine, Like it's all
like the way that I look at it is like
don't take it personally and don't take it as something
(32:30):
that is against you. It's really like a song and
a dance and when you if, what's that dance when
they go GiB a ya now on the ming ding
ding ding, do no grab your partner round.
Speaker 3 (32:42):
Down?
Speaker 2 (32:43):
What is that called?
Speaker 1 (32:44):
I just wanted to see.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Ding ding ding and shang don't ding ding dong ding
among dawn anyways. I feel like that's kind of like
what tender is a line dance?
Speaker 4 (33:03):
Never grab girl and shake it around, shake those hitties
and shake that pans.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
So anyway, So I feel like when you know how
to do the dance, like just because a partner that
I was the next partner doesn't necessarily mean they don't
want to dance with you. It might swing back around
and dance with them again. It's literally just the ecosystem
of the dating world online.
Speaker 3 (33:39):
Yeah, I think I just get frustrated because I'm like,
I'm thirty one and like, you know, my cousin just
had she's twenty four and just had her third baby,
and she's like maybe I'll have another baby in two
to three years, and I'm.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
Like pregnancy packed. I think I'll be there by then.
Speaker 3 (33:54):
We like did a pregnancy pack fourth child, first child?
Speaker 1 (33:57):
You know, I think I I think a lot.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Of it has to do with where society's like opinion
on where I should be as a woman in my
life by now, and that's weighing heavy on me, and
I'm really trying to work through it. And it's also
just like you know, I think with just like the
sifting through my like identity of like, well, are you
(34:22):
really queer if you're just like talking to men, or
are you really like what is this? You know? I
just like I feel like I shame myself a lot
and all of these different aspects, and so that weighs
heavily when I feel like, I, I don't know, if
you just get reminded of all these things and it's.
Speaker 1 (34:41):
Not as heavy as it used to be. I feel
way lighter, But it's never gonna stop.
Speaker 3 (34:48):
Like these things are never not going to come up
when you're dating, especially, and then you get into relationship
and then you're with that other person and then there's
a whole other.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Level, you know.
Speaker 3 (34:57):
So I think I'm just like, yeah, I would love
to get like a something in my brain where they
just shake it and then I'm another person.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
I'm a different person when it comes to love.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
But it's kind of wild because like we do live
in because of online, because of Instagram, because of the algorithms,
we really do believe that there's something better out there
for us. Right, there's oh, I think I can do better,
like or we get the X really easily, like all
these different things. There's also just the fact that we
live in a really big city. Right, there's also just
the thing about that we are very like you know,
(35:33):
a lot of people don't look like Kim k. A
lot of people don't look like I don't know what's
Taylor Swifts, like Taylor Swifts or her Man. Like when
you look different, you're gonna have to be in your
own kind of lane too. I will say that, Like
we live in La Dating in La is a beese.
It's so ugly, it's so weird. Like not only do
(35:54):
you go down the list of like am I physically
attracted to them? But like what do you do for
a living? Like I don't don't know if anybody else
in different cities if that matters. But in LA, you're
kind of like, oh, okay, like that's I mean, I
was worse when I was younger. Now I'm kind of
like it's cool, Like I don't really care what people
do as long as I like you. But I know
that there's a lot of people, Like one time one
(36:15):
of our friends was like, oh, in LA, it matters
what you drive. Like she was like, you have to
have a nice car. Like what's that, I'll tell you later.
But they're like, you have to have a nice car
because people judge you by your car, by like what
you have. But I remember thinking, I don't, but I
know that if they picked me up in a little raggedy.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Bucket, what about it? Twenty thirteen Toyota Aris.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
You have a cool car. You have a pretty car.
But if it was like I also would be kind
of like, ah, like this is a little interesting, like
and you know, they're just little things that I'm also
in learning about myself. But that's up to me, right,
If I get a voice them from something, I'm like, yeah,
but I all that to say, like you're not alone,
and you're right, Like a lot of people get activated
and triggered by these things, and again, if this individual
(36:59):
is listening to this like a thousand apologies, like that
was really not my intention to activate you. I also
have a lot of work to do on myself in
terms of, you know, feeling like I don't owe people communication.
Maybe I do. Maybe that's my toxic trait.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
I think it's a balance, like, no, you don't owe
anyone after two fucking days.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
But if they're asking.
Speaker 3 (37:20):
For yeah, yeah, there's there's some work to be done
for sure, for everyone.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
There's some situations where I also like, didn't communicate as
well as I could, even after reading from minute you know,
so I know that that's not I don't ever want
to sit here and paint myself as being like And
that's part of the whole thing all of us. We're
all learning in real time. We're all on different tracks,
we're all figuring it out. But I when you feel
that voice or you feel that person of like do
(37:46):
they like me, just put your phone down, just go.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
I know I need like a little something to do
when because I am very busy. It doesn't matter if
I'm busy or not, I will still be like Maria
is a feel like a hyperfixation.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
But that's all good. Yeah, it's all good. Welcome to
the astrology portion. Based off of the topic what sign
do we want to talk about? What sign?
Speaker 2 (38:21):
He was Yeah, I guess, well already know.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Well, well listen, I don't know what it is.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
What's happening with the sign? I don't know.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
It's you. You're the one who's kind of conjuring it up. Tours.
Speaker 2 (38:36):
By the way, I just scratched my nose. I didn't
pick anything. I he was a Yeah, he's a tourist.
What's going on?
Speaker 1 (38:43):
Will there be more Taurus slander this season?
Speaker 3 (38:46):
Because I've been getting I've been getting some comments that
are like, what's up with the Taurus slander?
Speaker 2 (38:51):
I mean, okay, look, my mom's a tourist, my sister's
a tourist. One of my best sides is a tourists.
My last partner was a tourist. Like I have so
many good toys in my life. They're good people, but
there's something about if they get in their head about
something like it's that's it. Like they're it's fixed, you
know what I mean, They're Earth's signed. So that's how
(39:12):
we work. Like we're very stubborn about stuff.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
They're the most stubborn Earth's sign.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
Really, I think more than Virgo, more than.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Virgo, and well, Capricorns are pretty stubborn, but they will
find an angle to understand. And for a healed Capricorn Taurus,
I feel like, I don't know. I love them so much.
I have like Taurus besties that I grew up with.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
But yeah, it's one thing I've heard about Tauruses which
I don't know, and I've heard them they have said
this to me is we are never wrong. And I like,
I've had other people tell me about other tourises in
my life. Whatever, I'll just say, like people tell me
my sister right, They're like, your sister's never wrong, and
(40:06):
I think my sister's never wrong too, like I do.
I think my sister's very fair. But I also feel
like it's a very dangerous thing if people around you
are saying they're never like if I were to say
about you, like Maya's never wrong, like I think that's
a moment for you to go wrong, you know, and
saying that. But if you hear my tone, if I
were to be like, according to my life, she's never wrong, right,
(40:30):
like that kind of is a is A is a
weird thing to kind of consider. Like you've told me before,
like curly, like you used to be super stubborn and
you've gotten better over time. But I have done a
lot of reflection where now where am I apply? Am
I still applying that same kind of energy of being
like no? And it is a balance, right, like knowing
when you're wrong, but also knowing when to stand up
(40:51):
for yourself because sometimes you're like yo maleho. I feel
like that's I feel like I'm the type of person
where like yes, I'm a yes person, I'm a more
yes person than I am a no person.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
And we're talking about the my hair looks so long.
Speaker 3 (41:05):
Sorry, we're talking about and I don't want to say
unhealed because it's kind of fucked up. I don't know
them like that, but you know, we get the gun.
We get the kind of like low vibrational vibe from
these certain tauruses, you know, like where they're acting like this,
where they're just like, well fine, like that's a trash emoji.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
After two days, girl, yeah, girl, I will.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
Say I have been hearing, at least for me, more
and more bashing of the earth signs. And I'm the
first one to say it like I literally.
Speaker 3 (41:38):
Because aries and fire signs, we need a break because
but I honestly like I'm with it, Like I'm like Capricorns, like, please,
like communicate better, just be softer.
Speaker 2 (41:51):
But when you think you're being nice, be nicer. Yes.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
But I have been around a Capricorn who I feel
like I'm experiencing the sweet cool side of a Capricorn
where they will tell you straight up like oh, I
just want to go home, and I'm like, perfect, great, yeah,
go home, I'll go home.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
Like I love that.
Speaker 3 (42:10):
Like me and my friend were like trying to figure
out like what we wanted to do, and we're.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Like, oh, well should we do this and should we
do that? And she's like I think I'm just going
to go home yeah, And I'm like, OK.
Speaker 3 (42:20):
I love the transparency. I don't take things like that personal.
I'm very like perfect, I'm like, but let's definitely hang
out later and let's do whatever. I love the straightforwardness.
And this person is such a hard worker, but they
also allow themselves to be in community and surrounded by
(42:42):
community and invest in community. And I feel like sometimes
with Capricorns, they are such hard workers to a fault
where they will be inside their heads so much to
where that's all they see, that's all they are, and
when they poke their head out, oh yeah, community and
sometimes they'll be like, oh yeah, community, I will use
(43:03):
them for my business and it's like no, no, Like,
oh my god, my eyes open.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
I thought you're gonna be like And that concludes the.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
Mac concludes the astrology portion. No, but I get this
a lot.
Speaker 3 (43:18):
I go live a lot on TikTok. I think three
days a week, click around twelve to maybe like eight
pm around those times, and people ask they always give
me their Big three and I'm like, oh, okay, But
Virgos I feel like I feel like the Virgo collective
is healing.
Speaker 1 (43:37):
I feel it because I think in.
Speaker 3 (43:40):
The past we have gotten this version of them that
is very textbook, where it's like they're this, they're that,
they're hardcore, they're about their business. They're very analytical, and
I'm like, we have to we can't forget that they're
a woman. Yeah, it's a they're in they're in their
(44:02):
feminine extreme feminine sign.
Speaker 5 (44:06):
It is. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:08):
And when we attach that idea to you know, them
being analytical, all that stuff, like there's a flow, there's
a fluidity to them, and we have to, like as
a collective with everybody, bring that out of them and
celebrate that part of them, because I feel like for
so long they have been like you're not like they
(44:30):
just have this persona where they're not masculine enough because
they have so much femininity in them. So that's why
they overdo it with by being perfect with everything, which
is actually like contrasting and conflicting with their sign, you know,
with the like who they present. They're like the only
(44:51):
woman you know. So there's a helicopter. We're almost done. Helicopter.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
I do want to say too, if I may, that
I do think that virgos can be toxic in the
way that they are so self critical that it sometimes
bleeds out into other people around them and people feel like, like,
you know, with me, let's just say a quick example,
I'll be like, oh, I never leave my shoes in
the hallway. Let's just say and let's say, now that's
stuck in your head or someone else's head.
Speaker 1 (45:29):
But my shoes are out. Look at a pile of
shoes because I thought of you, are you making me better?
Speaker 2 (45:38):
But that's the thing. Am I making better? Am I
making you in secure about your shoes right like now
you're yeah, yeah, you know if I'm I used to be,
I used to tell I remember being a young gay
and telling my girls like I always like when girls
were heels. I think it's really cool because I always
and they're like, well, what if you're like overdressed, and
I'm like, I'll always notice the girl on heels, and
(45:58):
I remember that that never left their heads because they're
I'm like, your poor feet, like, don't listen to me.
Speaker 3 (46:03):
Where I've known people who have worn heals their entire
lives and they have had to get foot surgery from it.
Speaker 2 (46:10):
That's wild.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
And that concludes the astrology portion. Of course, when it
gets to my sign court me, how do you plead?
Speaker 2 (46:22):
I think that if you feel a little anxious about dating,
just know that that is normal. That is a normal
part of dating. We're all a little anxious in different ways,
whether it's talking on the phone for the first time,
seeing people for the first time, making eye contact over dinner.
We're all a little nervous. That's part of the thrill.
Enjoy it because the person for you will absolutely match
(46:42):
that energy and you will just feel you'll just fall
into it like very easily. So yes, trust it. Yeah,
how do you plead?
Speaker 3 (46:49):
I think I agree plus one. And to add to that,
I think we all can do. We all are due
for a little bit of a checkup of like a
check in with ourselves. And and you know, like you said,
like maybe there is some I don't think.
Speaker 1 (47:06):
You're toxic in the way you text. I think you just.
Speaker 3 (47:11):
Like are so consumed with other things that are like
right there in front of your face that like that's
just kind of how your brain operates. And if you
explain that to someone who is willing to understand and
not put their traumas at the forefront, like, then that's
kind of how you flow. And I feel like for me,
you know, I after coming off of like being sick,
(47:34):
having such a low energy, low vibration, low self esteem,
like had COVID for like nearly twenty days and then
had like a little crush that fizzled, Like my self
esteem was low, and so coming into this new dating thing,
you know, how can I not think that I'm I'm
not doing for like a little bit of a check
(47:54):
in with myself with my anxiety.
Speaker 2 (47:57):
So one quick lass note about voice notes. Sometimes people
aren't in the space to hear them, so like, you'll.
Speaker 1 (48:02):
Save it for four days, and.
Speaker 2 (48:05):
I still have to call a she sent me, AG
sent me a voice note like for different because it's family.
Speaker 1 (48:10):
AG's family.
Speaker 3 (48:11):
We're all like if you send me something like I know, like, oh,
he hasn't called me, or he hasn't texted, so I'm
just gonna call or I'm just gonna whatever. And I
know you'll get back to me eventually. But that's because
we have years of experience with how we You know,
when you're just talking to somebody for the first time,
you don't know and you're putting all of your assumptions
and perceptions and projections at the forefront.
Speaker 2 (48:32):
Yeah, also really quick, You're a lot to feel how
you feel. He's a lot to feel how you feel. Yes,
that's okay. Yeah, we just keep it moving.
Speaker 3 (48:40):
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of
the Super Secret Bestie Club podcast Curly.
Speaker 1 (48:44):
How can we find you on social media?
Speaker 2 (48:46):
You can find me on social media at the Curly
v Show on Instagram and TikTok for the next nine
months and.
Speaker 3 (48:51):
All right, you can find me at my in the
Moment m Ay in the Moments anywhere where you scroll,
and don't forget to hit us up on our social
We need to let us know what do you want
to hear on this next season, Who you want to
hear from, maybe some guests that you have in mind.
Speaker 1 (49:07):
Let us know. Hit us up.
Speaker 2 (49:09):
We love you, love you to love us back, though,
geez hey, thank.
Speaker 5 (49:25):
Make sure to hit that subscribe button to hear more
episodes every single week. The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast
is a production of Sonodo in partnership with iHeartRadio's Michael
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Speaker 2 (49:37):
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