August 7, 2024 • 49 mins
Please, please, please don't prove I'm right and please, please, please stop people pleasing. But how?! Let's find out!
Maya Murillo and Curly Velásquez are the hosts of the Super Secret Bestie Club with production support by Karina Riveroll of Sonoro Media in partnership with iHeart Radio's My Cultura Podcast network. If you want to support the podcast, please rate and review our show!
Follow Maya Murillo on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok @mayainthemoment
Follow Curly Velásquez on Instagram and TikTok @thecurlyvshow and on Twitter @CurlyVee
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, Maya, do you mind picking up my drag cleaning
for me?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Sure?
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Oh? And also could I bother you to off my dog? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (00:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (00:07):
And now that we're here, can I borrow your hair
to just just shave the side of it? Like?
Speaker 4 (00:11):
What?
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Oh? So can I have your eyelashes? Oh? And your voice?
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Oh? Keep singing?
Speaker 1 (00:25):
I can.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Okay, that's fine. And that was a demonstration of what
it's like to people. Please, thank you. Get it in here.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
My name is Curly and I'm Maya, and welcome to
the Super Secret Prestie Club Podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
A super secret club where we talk about super secret things. Yeah,
like secrets that are super that's when it is.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
In each episode we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreaks, men,
and of course our favorite secrets.
Speaker 4 (00:56):
Get in here.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Welcome to another episode of the Slip a Slip of
Us the Club podcast. Curly, come on down.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Oh my god, I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
I came all the way from Phoenix, Arizona, Kentucky.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
There's a new one and.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Phoenix, Arizona, Kentucky.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
So the town is called Phoenix, Arizona.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
In Kentucky, in Kentucky. Got it? Yeah, And I'm here
to win Money.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
People Pleasers Award. Yeah, oh, this is the people Pleasers Awards.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Okay, yeah, my favorite.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
I mean, look, if anything, I'm probably pretty up there
with being people pleaser.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
And what about you? Are you going to be nominated
for an award?
Speaker 3 (01:45):
No, I kinda. I run this foundation, so so you're selfish,
is what I'm hearing. No, I give the awards. I
give the awards out as I'm the ultimate.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Care about the needs of others.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
What's your spirit? How's your spirit?
Speaker 1 (02:03):
My spirit's good.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Actually, I have like this massive sit on my nose
that has just lived there. So my dad found this
like giant dog, and I've been like taking care of
this giant dog and I've been kissing him a lot,
like I'm I'm a big like I kiss my dogs.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I'm very like oh yea, and.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
He was very dirty when I started to do it.
So now I'm paying the price because I have a
massive ZiT on my nose.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
So you're blaming your ZiT on your on a rescue dog,
is what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Because that's I just know that that's where it came from.
Like I washed my face several times a day, like
I know if I get it on my side, it's
probably for my pillows. If I get it from my forehead,
it's probably for my hair product and my nose. When
would I I know that that's because I've been like smooching,
Like this sounds terrible, but like smooching this dog.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Well, how's your spirit?
Speaker 3 (02:53):
My spirit's good. I am in peak procrastination mode. So
right after this need to do three things that are
due tomorrow and that I put off for.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
A week.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yeah, what is time? Really?
Speaker 3 (03:13):
I know it. But today we are talking about people
pleasing and being a people pleaser. We're all my people
business up, bitch, hands my people.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
People please people. Kaba, are you a people pleaser too?
Speaker 3 (03:35):
No? Wow, exactly tell them, she said, I'm Gemini.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
I feel like after this conversation you might have second thoughts.
I feel like, Aba, you might sit there and be like, actually,
maybe I am a people pleaser, because I feel like
that's what we're talking about today, right, Like the differences
of what we think people pleasing is. Sometimes we think
that people pleasing is like you're a little doormat. You
let people get away with what they want. I feel like,
you know, we have small little relationships with people that
(04:02):
you know where we might exhibit people pleasing stuff, But.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
What is it?
Speaker 3 (04:06):
Like, Yeah, what is a people pleaser? You might ask.
My definition of a people pleaser, coming from my own experiences,
is when you for different reasons, maybe it's because you
want to belong or you want to be validated in
some way because you weren't in your childhood, or it's yeah,
(04:29):
you want to make people kind of like you. So
it's you know, you do things for them, you please them,
basically like you put your needs on the back burner,
in the back seat, and you put their needs at
the forefront, even though it may inconvenience you at times.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's the main thing, is putting
other people's needs before yours, even though it might be
exactly what you said, like, even though it might be
detrimental to you and your well being and what it
is that you and it kind of like violates your
boundaries in a way.
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Because I don't think people pleasers are saints or anything.
You're gaining something, You're being rewarded for something like either
you want to be looked at as like, oh my god,
I'm such a good friend or I'm a great co worker,
I'm a great employee. I always get my stuff, you know,
done on time, or like you know, there's there's a
(05:22):
reward there, Yeah, there's.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Like yeah, I kind of wrote that later on in
our outline a little bit like it's kind of like
the their value, Like you kind of sometimes find your
value in being able to do things for people like
look at me, like I can do this for you,
and I've done this for this person, and you can
kind of fall into a little bit of like being
a saint, you know, and wanting to have that image.
(05:46):
I think that what I have learned is that as
I've gone older, though, is that like people pleasing can
look different in a lot of different areas. Like I
would not necessarily consider myself somebody who cares about pleasing
people all the time, but there is a part of
me that, like when it comes to like friendships or
(06:07):
family or even boyfriends that I've had, where I want
to please them to some capacity, even if it means
that I'm doing something that I'm not happy about or
that I don't want to do.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Here are some symptoms of being a people pleaser. Number One,
having a gicy, fat ass whoa that's crazy.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Yesterday when we wrote that outline, I looked it over
and I was like, having a fat ass.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
I just like, how did that get in there?
Speaker 3 (06:37):
I'm just kidding. I'm just gonna put that in every
single outline from now on in some way.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
And then we got into a whole conversation about having
a fad ass. I don't have one, and then we
literally were like.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
It can hurt your back sometimes, huh.
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Yeah, laying down sometimes like I always have like a
little I can't lay down flat sometimes, Difficulty saying no,
avoiding conflict, well, difficulty in saying Difficulty saying no for me,
I feel like would be in like do you think
you can help me do this? And blah blah blah
blah blah blah, and you're like and you can't and
(07:12):
you don't want to, but you do it anyway, And
it's like, why are you doing it anyway? Is it
because this is a bully or is this because if
you don't do it you think that you'll be loved less?
Which I feel like was my thing of like if
I if I said no, then this means that they
think that I'm unreliable or they think that I'm not
(07:33):
accessible to like being being a helper, being a team player,
And then I would see other people say no to
everything and live their best lives.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, And I'm like.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
I'm over here picking up the you're picking up your
dry cleaning free you.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
I feel like for me, I have difficulty saying no
when it comes to things for work, Like I remember
when we still worked at BuzzFeed, Like I would say
yes to a lot of things because it added value
to myself in a lot of ways, because I would
be like, see, I can do it all, do you
know what I mean? Like it would do these things
where I would be and I held that as being
something a little bit more valuable than my peace and
(08:14):
my quiet and my like my resting time, you know.
But I also feel like difficulty saying no can be
in a lot of other different ways as well, like
just being able to go like I'm not comfortable, like
you know, Like for example, when our photos were coming
out right like we were this might be too personal,
but we didn't like the photos and that we're going
(08:36):
to be used for promotion for this podcast, and we
said no, right like, but there could be a thing
you were the one that was like a little bit
more like no, and you could have had it in
your spirit where you were like, I don't.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Want to rock the boats, so I don't want to
say anything, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (08:51):
So like even that takes courage to be able to
say no, and a lot of people don't have the
courage to be like no, I don't like that. I
don't want to do it. I don't want the So
that can show up in so many different ways.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
It's just artistic differences, Like the color was a little
bit was a lot off, and I feel like a
green because I was so such a people pleaser before,
especially when it came to my own art, to my
own image when other people had like an opinion on
what I was doing or my kind of style. I
(09:25):
remember every single time I would people please and say like,
oh yeah, go with what they're they're probably like they
know what they're doing more than me and my own project.
And when it came to like a project that was hours,
I'm like, no longer will I ever say oh, yeah,
this is fine, because I'm gonna have to look at
this shit every single time like something comes up for
(09:47):
this project.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Yeah, And that kind of that kind of ties into
like difficulties saying I mean, I'm saying that goes into
avoiding conflict, like that goes into people just wanting to
be like I don't want to rock the boat. I
don't necessarily I don't want to be seen as like
the problematic diva, right, or the gay guy with an attitude.
I don't want to be seen as like the sassy
(10:08):
person whatever. It is, So like you kind of will
start to, you know, avoid conflict in a lot of
ways because you don't want to be you don't want
to tarnish your image.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
And it's like, yeah, there's a thing where you are like,
you know, let me pick and choose my battles. Like
that's definitely different because when you are avoiding, you can
feel yourself avoiding conflict, and maybe sometimes it's like necessary
to avoid that conflict. But in those moments when you
feel like inside and the whole thing is like you
(10:40):
are ignoring your intuition and your gut and you are
compromising yourself and settling for somebody else's opinion and so
avoiding conflict, I feel like I would do that because
I would be like, yeah, I don't want to be
seen as a diva. I don't want to be seen
as like you own you always have a problem when
it comes to business, like, okay, yeah, see me as
(11:00):
a diva. I don't care like this shit when there's
money involved, when there's image involved, when there's work in artistry. Yes,
when it comes to like friendships and stuff like, I
feel like that's where it gets a little bit like muddy, because,
like I mean, I think conflict is very very healthy,
(11:20):
especially for friendships and relationships because you're able to navigate
through like you know, the way you communicate and the
way you fight. But then it's also like, yeah, I'm
done having this fight with you, or like I don't
want to I don't want to bring up another thing,
you know.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Yeah, yeah, I wonder too, like if we you know,
if like our next symptom is like seeking approval. And
I started to think, like, aren't we all kind of
like seeking approval with some capacity, Like don't we all
kind of like conform to certain beauty standards and certain
things in a lot of different ways because we're just
trying to like get approval from I don't know.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
The guys in West Hollywood who never look at me,
oh all right, they never look at me.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
I don't know why guys never look at me anywhere else.
Anywhere else I go, like a supermarket or whatever, get
got attention. But its Hollywood, aren't They.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
Just all like fucked up and like they're not even
looking at anyone because their eyes are like cross eyed,
because they're just like tripping on something.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
But I do wonder if there's like a part of
me being like if that's part of being a people pleaser?
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Is that me seeking their approval as well?
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Right, like wanting to be validated by people in my community,
Like is that you know? Because when I was younger,
I had big, curly hair and I dressed in a
type of way and I didn't give a fuck.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
And then as like, well as I got.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Older, like now I don't care, but before I like, sorry,
now i'm more like minimals my style. But before and
I shaved my head for the first time when I
was like twenty two. It was because I wanted to
fit in with like Latin gay men and I wanted
them to see me and kind of like give me
their approval. So I wasn't like, see, I'm not some
(13:02):
like crazy wild child like I was, And I have
always been, but you know, I think that that's another
space where we might be able to see that we
kind of are people pleasers. Maybe we all possess certain
types of that that see in us.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
I think there's something like naive and like harmless about
seeking approval because we are such a society where we
survive and thrive and you know, cheese may gossip. All
that stuff is information and knowledge and stuff, So it's
(13:40):
like I feel like it's a part of the human
experience and connecting. But also if you're like I feel
like seeking approval can also be like a little bit
of a kiss ass thing where it's like if you
are constantly seeking approval from someone, like, how do you
know they're actually being legit because you have the dynamic
(14:00):
of them kind of like telling you what you want
to hear or you or you, yeah, like like fluffing
up their ego. You know. It's just just kind of
like I feel like I've had that before where I
could never really say tell them the truth of what
I was feeling, and they didn't care enough to tell
me the truth, or or they would tell me the truth,
(14:21):
I'd be like, ah, thanks for that. That was harsh.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
And that's that's interesting because I feel like, very early
on in my life I've been very big on being like, actually, no,
I don't like that, like actually in terms of let's say,
like there was like a leader or like a queen
bee or a boss at school, I mean at work
or whatever or whatever hierarchy there was, right Like, I
(14:46):
was very big at being like m not so much.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
I don't like that this is not the not for me.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
But that's because you were secure in your own intuition
and your own identity too.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Versus try I do this thing like when I get
intimidated with telling somebody, I'm like, do you not want
to say something to them because you think that they're
like powerful? Are you holding them up against like when
I say this to Maya? And would I not say
this to somebody else because I don't hold them in
the same sort of like esteem, you know. And then
it's important to me that I treat people equally, so
(15:20):
then I don't do that. But some people get really scared.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
Yes, And then there's another another symptom is over committing,
which I definitely would do all the time. You would
say yes you could do, yes, I can. I can
pick that up, or like yes I can do this,
or yeah I can go your event, and then when
you over commit, you really it's kind of like you
are not manipulating, but you you're just kind of like
(15:50):
saying yes to their face. And then when it comes
down to it and you actually can't go, like did
you just say yes so you could obviously please them
and so they feel support in that moment, and then
you actually just don't go.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Like that sounds like me anyways, because I just flake.
But I'm a flake.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
I'm an there's but it's a difference between flaking and
intentionally like not looking at your calendar and just saying
yes to everything. Because like I almost did that today
where I was like, yeah, for sure, I can go.
Then I was like, actually, no, I have something on
my calendar and I don't want to, like I don't
want to say yes to both things because I don't
know how it's going to go day up. And thank
(16:26):
god I did that because I was like, oh shit.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
So like I feel like for me, the fear of
rejection shows up for me a lot in relationships, like
there I can feel it, like in the very beginning
when I meet a guy and I can kind of
see like we might differ politically. I might go like
like I might ignore things that I just don't like.
There's this one guy who I think is really cool,
really sexy, really cute, but he'll post things that are
(17:08):
very political on his social media that I just kind
of like, they're on ed, They're a little like, what
is it border borderline for me? Where I'm like, you're
not posting crazy problematic stuff.
Speaker 4 (17:22):
Flag a little bit, A little bit.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
What's the next one after beage flag?
Speaker 3 (17:28):
I could say like yellow or orange, like like, he'll
put something I don't care if he's this either, but
he'll put something that was like from liberals of TikTok, And.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
I'm like, why are you sharing a video from.
Speaker 3 (17:40):
Libs of TikTok? Does libs?
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Oh yeah, yeah yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:44):
And I was like, but I can feel myself being like,
you know, but he's he is. I am attracted to him.
I do think he's cool. Like I can feel my
brain trying to kind of go back and forth between
those two.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Anything Bank of TikTok is a no go.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
Versus like anybody else. Any Let's say it was like
somebody that I met in the streets. Somebody that I
met at a party who was like, let's talk about
lives of TikTok, Like I'm out, I'm not even gonna
like talk to about a party. But I do have
this little bit of like fear of rejection when it
comes to love. I think that that's where I hold
mine is like love and in relationships a little bit,
(18:20):
you know.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
So the next one is manipulation vulnerability. Due to their
desire to please people, pleasers can be more susceptible to manipulation, manipulation,
and exploitation. Others may take advantage of their willingness to
help and reluctant to set boundaries. I had a bully
who used to make me, not make me, but knew
(18:43):
that I was sensitive and wanted to be their friend.
And I, you know, was a people pleaser. I said
yes to everything I was. I was young and dumb
and would be like kind of soften their tone and
be like, my, the do you know how to do this?
I'm just I just don't know, and I'm like, for sure,
I'll help you, and then I end up doing the
(19:03):
whole project, or then I end up like giving them
like a contact that like ends up later never talking
to me again because they had talked shit about me,
like different things, a true true story, like different things
where I noticed I was like, oh man, I was
the perfect like person to manipulate back then. And then
(19:29):
I look back and I'm like, wow, girl, wow, you
can tell those people too. Nowadays, I feel like I
have like a couple of people that I'm like, girl,
like you need to be stronger on your boundaries and
stronger to say no, like don't let this person mess
you around. Like I can see myself back then in them,
(19:49):
and I'm like, you need to be more firm, like
do you actually want to do this? Like I have
to ask them do you want to do this? Like
yes or no? Like you get to plan the whole day,
what do you want to do?
Speaker 1 (20:02):
And yeah yeah yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
I find them like struggling with that. So this, like
manipulation vulnerability is very I feel like we can get
caught in it whenever we're mesmerized or enamored with anybody
who we put on a pedestal.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Yeah you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Earlier too, like you ask yourself, like if somebody wants
to get you to over commit, or somebody wants you
to change some things like where are you placing them
in your brain? Like how what's the pedestal in which
you're placing them?
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Like is this a parent? Is this a lover? Is
this somebody you work with? Is this someone you consider
a friend?
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Like if you are kind of afraid of them to
some capacity, like you're gonna do it. We all do
with our bosses. I get really annoyed, like I forgot
where I was.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
I was.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
I think I was at like a fast food restaurant
or something like that, and I was. I forgot where
I was, and I was with the workers, and I
saw the boss come in and all the workers were like, oh, oh,
the manager's here, Like Susie's here, Susie and in that space,
Susie's the big fish, right like she's not that a meta.
So everyone is gonna please her and give her way
she wants.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
But I don't work there. I don't give a shit
about what Susie thinks, Like who as a fuck?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
No, But I'm just like people will work to please
this person, but because I don't place her in that situation,
I don't give a fuck.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
And if you have a friend like this, where you
are afraid to say no to them if they ask
for things that's not like they're not a friend, like
you should be able to be like oh, actually I
can't or even to hang out or like certain things
where it's like oh I can't do this or I
can't do that or you know, and if they're like, oh,
you suck, like you know, instead of being like oh,
(21:33):
I'm sorry, like you know, sorry that you can't do
this or whatever, or why like why can't you? Okay? Well,
I what I love is as a as a former
people pleaser, as somebody who's working out of a people
pleasing mentality. I love when friends are able to allow
me to have my boundary of like I want to
stay home tonight or I can't do this, or I
(21:55):
can't go to this or I can't whatever, and them
being like Okay, yeah, I totally I respect that, Like
I know you like your I know you need your
hermit time or I know you need your whatever time,
or like I'm.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Gonna say that's something that happens when you're twelve.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Like when you're twelve, you go, you suck and you're
like come to the party, You're like, you suck. And
then as an adult, you kind of learn people's boundaries
and the like I don't want to go to the
party and you're.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Like, okay, take you have fun? Do you you know
what I mean?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Like that's growth, And if you're not there in your friendships.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
It's different if you had committed and was like we're
going together and then the night of like yeah. But
if it's something that's like where you know, it's a
it's a people pleaser thing where you really don't want
to go, like it's or they want you to go
because of a certain reason. Like I think it's again
just like listening to yourself. But where do you think
that it stems from?
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Oh my god? All of that for sure is like
childhood's childhood.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Yeah, I wrote down childhood experiences.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Childhood experiences.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
I think how you see yourself, Like, you know, do
you have low self esteem when you're with somebody, how
do you view where do you place yourself in the
pedestal game? And where do you place them in the
pedestal game? But I think it's just kind of a
thing and then just kind of sometimes people's thresholds for
bullshit are different, Like for me, for example, my threshold
(23:15):
in relationships for bullshit is bigger because I grew up
in an abusive household. Right, So my sister and I
were like, we talk about how we let our partners
get away with a lot more bullshit because.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
At least he's not hitting me.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
That's our that's like our barometer for like picking stuff,
you know. So I'll be like, oh, you know, I've
had partners. I tend to also be like a little
bit more like the chill one in relationships and a
lot of times the men that I'm dating, or it
can be a little bit more like it can get
aggravated easier easily.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
I'm not the same. I'm not like little miss little
like I'm not.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
That you should see how he sleeps. So he sleeps
literally like an angel, like hands full like prayers, I think,
prayer hands and then to the side and then like
chin resting on the prayer of your hands, or your
hands are oh yeah, oh yeah, or your hands are
like like you're on your chin, or you're you have
(24:13):
your hands crossing your heart like a vampire when you sleep.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
So supposed to do with your hands when you sleep?
What do you do with your hands?
Speaker 3 (24:19):
Mine go like this, mine go on the back like
this like a baby. My Mom's like you always you
slept like that since you were a Baby's so funny. Yeah,
we're going and then go goo gay.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Sometimes in my crotch area, like I.
Speaker 3 (24:34):
Was just like, oh yeah, me too. It feels good
to just like hold your bunsa hold. Yeah. Sometimes I'll
just like rest a hand on top because it feels
like I don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
On your girls do that.
Speaker 3 (24:47):
Yeah, I have like a shelf. I have like a
like my bansa and then I have a shelf and
then you know, there's the door to mortor you know,
so I have like a there's a cliff. I put
my hands on the cliff.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Yeah, and that's what I do too. Sometimes I got
my balls soon and I just like that's how I sleep.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
But like but anyway, Yeah, that's that's my argument for
if people are like, you're aggressive, I'm like, do you
see how he sleeps?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Yeah, look at how he sleeps.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
But I will say that, like I you know, I
just hung out with the friend of a few weeks ago,
and I could feel myself he was getting upset about something,
and I could feel myself wanting to calm him down.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
I know, that my.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Energy is calming and soothing to a lot of people,
and so I over extend myself in a lot of
ways to therapies, to hold space for them, to ask
them what's going on, to try to cheer them up,
because I feel like that's almost like my responsibility because
I don't get upset so much, huh. And I think
that comes from my childhood for sure.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
What about you? Like what do you think I think?
Speaker 3 (25:49):
Because sometimes I would see the women in my life
not vocalize for themselves or ask me in a different
way to be like do you think you could do both?
Like almost gas lighting or like uh love bombing manipulating
a little bit where they'd be like, I'm just my
(26:10):
back hurts because I have this. Do you think you
would oh sure I can do that? Or yeah, oh sure?
Or I would do it. I would people please, because
like my brother and I had such a rocky childhood,
like being brother and sister. We would fight all the time,
and I would always want to make sure that my
parents knew that I was not like him. So I
(26:33):
would go above and beyond, be an overachiever perfectionist and
show them that I had good grades. I had this
and that, and yes, I can clean whatever you want
me to clean or yet, but it wouldn't be without attitude.
For sure. There was definitely times when I like got like.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
A bunch of.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
Not a pigmy the kid. I'm a kid, but I
was not like the other kids, and I was a
cool kid.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
So yeah, look, I support.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
Why wouldn't you want to pick me?
Speaker 3 (27:07):
Why wouldn't you want to pick me? Why wouldn't you
want to choose me? Why wouldn't you want to love me? Anyway, Yeah,
it definitely comes from childhood because you want to at
That's why I said, like seeking validation or seeking like
approval is at its core what we did as children.
(27:28):
We were kind of looking to our elders or our
brothers or sisters and parents of like am I doing
this right? Or like is this right to do? So
it's like, of course it's going to kind of carry
on into our adulthood. But you know, sometimes it turns
into a thing where you people please or you seek
(27:48):
approval for your own validation, and then you have this
like kind of fake validation from other people that is
very very fragile. If so somebody like doesn't give you that,
then that day you're like crushed, you know. So it's
so important to what I've noticed as growing up as
(28:10):
a kid is that I'm I can't really like rely
on other people for validation because we're also like we
don't have the same brain.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
Yeah, I saw this. I read this really cool thing
in Oh my, what's this book called. It's like a
really famous it's a really popular book. It's like the
Art of Love or something or not the Art of Love.
It's called ah shit, it's something. It's it's a really
good book. But they were talking about when you even
taking positive feedback, even taking positive validation from people, can
(28:41):
be dangerous because if somebody is like, oh my god, mind,
I think you're so funny, You're so funny, You're self funny,
and you're like think you think, you think you and
then one day they're like, you're not funny anymore, you're
placing so much power in their words to begin with. Versus,
if you from the get go are like I believe
I'm funny, nobody can shake that from you. Nobody can
take it from you, Like, you can't be looking for
people to do that. So to your point, it's like
(29:04):
it just reminded me of that one little thing that
I was talking about.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
But you know, I was.
Speaker 2 (29:08):
Wondering too if the need for harmony comes from being
more feminine or being a woman, or being a you know,
women of color, not me, but you know what what
it means to kind of live in a society that's
created for a cis het white man, right, And you know,
research shows that, yeah, women are kind of expected to
(29:32):
be more people pleasing or people pleasers because the uh.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
The kind the kind of.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Characteristics of being selfless, nurturing, and being more empathetic are
usually reserved for women and fem people, like.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Out of safety for sure, especially when we're like when
somebody is on the somebody on the street is like,
you're beautiful, Can I get your number? It's like you
you can't just say no, get away. I mean, you
can just say no get away from but you always
have the thing in the back of your mind, are
they gonna murder me?
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, I mean, and you know,
we giggle about it because it's like so ridiculous, but
it's true, Like you know, even with men like straight
since has I mean, with sis men like them coming
up to queer people, we also have the same things too,
where they're like, hey, what's.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Up are you gay? And you're like why do you
want to know? Like anything?
Speaker 2 (30:24):
You know, it's kind of scary, and yeah, I think that.
I also think that the other part of it too
is that women do tend to be better collaborators. There's
a little bit of like an openness to collab with
each other. That's also something that research has shown. But
I think that in terms of how women are raised
and how they're taught to look after people in their lives, men,
their kids, the people around them, they can tend to
(30:48):
be a little bit of more people pleasing. Then maybe
they understand it too. What I found interesting as well
then we talked about it yesterday, is that men can
also so experience people pleasing pressures from the needs of
looking needing to look strong or masculine, because men also
have a lot of different stereotypes to live up to
(31:12):
in society. Right, Like I was I was telling you
yesterday that as a queer individual, I've always lived on
the outside. I've never been able to hide my queerness
since I was a kid. Right, So, like whenever I've
been around a group of men, I always kind of
watch them like like a scientist watching like a group
of apes. Basically, yeah, I said it apes because they
(31:34):
basically will through the way that they engage. If you
ever watch straight men, by the way, watch them interact
one another, they will pick an alpha. Women do the
same thing too, by the way, but they'll pick an alpha,
and that alpha kind of decides who is his right hand,
and then they decide who. But they want to still
seem like accessible, so they have somebody who's funny, who
makes them laugh. You'll always see it. There's always a
(31:55):
trio right like it's.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
It's Me Girls, It's Mean Girl, It's Mean Girls. Girls.
Was based off of a street man.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Yeah exactly, so like you know, you see that too,
and I'll you know, I'll here. I remember guys that
were more open to maybe a queer identity. They'd be like,
you're gonna hang with curly but no, no, no, not me
because they want to people is their queen bee, like
they want to. I remember one time I went to
go pee. There was two urinals and two stalls, and
I went to go pee. I was peeing at a
(32:26):
urinal and a guy walked in after me. This in
high school. Guy walked in after me, and instead of
choosing one of the stalls there was three empty places
to pee, he decided to pee right next to me.
And then he went right back to class and told
all the boys like, oh my god, guess what I
had to pe next to Curly? And I was like,
you didn't really, like you didn't you really? You truly
(32:47):
did not have to p next to me. You could
have peed, like you could have locked yourself in a
little thing. But you know, I think that his needs.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
That's what he's still staying that to to He's still
saying that to this day.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
He's like, you know, I do not know what he
looks like. If I saw him again, I probably wouldn't
remember that I went to high school with him.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
So there's that.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
But you know, I think that men also, I always
want to also acknowledge that we all have our own
things to put up within the society. Like what do
they say not misogyny? What what's the word the hierarchy?
The hierarchy affects unfortunately all of us. So patriarchy, what's
(33:44):
the worst place that you, uh, where's the where's the
worst place that your people pleasing has taken you?
Speaker 3 (33:51):
I forgot what I wrote for mine? Would you have one?
I like yours? Immediately? Immediately answer was like sex.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Yesterday when you asked this question, where's the worst place
you're people pleasing to say he knows like sex?
Speaker 1 (34:05):
Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Back in the day, like you, before Grinder, we had
these things called craigslists. I mean, everybody knows Craigslist, but
you could post an ad and you could hook up
with the guy and you would just drive over to
them and you if they I was saying, mind like
the amount of men on a funny note, the amount
of men that I would hook up with and so
sleep with because I didn't want them to feel bad
about themselves, but I wasn't attracted to them, you know,
(34:29):
the amount of men that I would like pity fuck.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Basically, whoa.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Now all the guys are listening to this and being like,
was I just a pity hookup? Well?
Speaker 1 (34:41):
This is what I used to drink.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Because now I'm very like, I'm not going to do
anything I don't want to do, and in fact, my
body won't allow me to do things that I don't
want to do right on, you know, on a more
serious note too, like you know I did have a
partner who liked to engage in sexual things that I
just didn't feel comfortable doing.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
It wasn't what I liked, and.
Speaker 2 (35:01):
Because I was a people pleaser, I would keep saying yes,
and even when I kept when I would discuss my boundaries,
they couldn't really give me that either, And it kind
of felt dangerous for me at some points, like it
felt scary to me at some points, like it didn't
feel safe. And so I feel like if I would
have been a little bit more assertive, you know, and
(35:23):
this is you know, trigger warning or whatever, but and
this is I don't want anybody to feel like it's
their fault if they ever find themselves in this situation,
because it's not. Your partner should make your sexual experience
something safe for you. But me personally, in my own journey,
I think that I should have been a little bit
more assertive and been like no bitch, you know, like
ha karate chopped them in the neck and been like
(35:46):
I'm not doing that. But I think that, like, you
have to be mindful of how far your people pleasing
stuff will go to because then there you are in
a moment that you don't know how to get out
of and you're just like shit.
Speaker 3 (35:58):
Yeah, I think it's it's affected me in my early
days of my career doing certain things I didn't want
to do but knew that I had to because I
didn't want to disappoint anyone or I didn't want to
like show that I was. It's all comes down to,
like I didn't want to look like I was a diva.
I didn't want it because I was told like every
(36:20):
single time that I would say no, my experience or
stick up for myself, my experience would be you're acting
like a brat, or you're a diva or you're whatever.
So you know, in my career, I think it was
like watching Beyonce and listening to Beyonce and Lady Gaga
and Selena you know, like talk about and seeing them
(36:40):
like owning their shit helped me a lot as a
performer and as like a business woman.
Speaker 1 (36:46):
Businesswoman to like a business woman.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
Yeah, to like not go down that road, because I
think the whole thing was like even I think at BuzzFeed,
I would people please a lot and be in certain
videos that I did not want to be in, but
I didn't want to say no because I didn't want
them to think that I was like not a game
player or that I was difficult to work with. Yeah,
that's real, you know, so I would say yes, and
(37:11):
I regretted doing those videos. And so now my rule
is like, are you okay with this existing for the
rest of your life? Are you okay looking at this
every single day?
Speaker 2 (37:21):
And like are you okay with some of these conversations
existing for those of your life?
Speaker 3 (37:25):
Yep, exactly sure whatever. I'll look back in ten years
and it'd be like, ie, people please myself.
Speaker 4 (37:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (37:45):
Welcome to the astrology portion of the podcast seen Sweenee
Sweeny Meani.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
I saw this thing on TikTok today that was saying
that do you realize that your ascendant sign is the
body is supposed to like depict like your body, Like you're.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Supposed to dress according to like what your your rising
sign is.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
Yeah, because your body is designed to be like your
rising sign and like so it minds a scorpio. What
the fuck am I supposed to wear like all black
and shit? Like, because I've also seen like you should
dress according to your son's sign and mine's verbal venus.
Speaker 3 (38:24):
Well, it's part it's different parts of you, like venus
is for attraction, like your rising is for like if
you if you're really trying to get closer to like
being yourself and having your own kind of like, I
don't think you need to do anything. You literally like
dress how the way you want to, which is the
(38:45):
way your chart is already unfolding.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
Yeah, but I just think I'm like girl, Like I
was just like, what but what if I wanted to?
Speaker 1 (38:52):
What is it like? I just come out in claws
and a stinger.
Speaker 3 (38:57):
You should be man, you should be Scorpio for Halloween,
but exactly like that, but have like some like uh,
like what is it like those be so cute? It
would be cute and have like a tale, a big,
a big one.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Wait are we talking about the character from Parapa?
Speaker 3 (39:17):
Sure? Who are the biggest people pleasers of the zodiac?
I'm gonna say just because I have a lot of
pisces placements and cancer placements, pisces and cancers, And I've
also seen it in real life, like my grandma is
(39:37):
a cancer. Her birthday is coming up, and she I've
seen her do it in real time and I have
to be like Nanny, you literally said that you did
not want to be quiet. I just I'll just do
it this one time, and I'm like, this one time
is like you're gonna be saying that like the next
ten times, like and then for Pisces. I feel like
(39:58):
we are, sometimes with love and respect, stuck in our
own delusions that we think that us saying yes to
whatever it is is going to somehow influence or add
onto our delusional day dreams.
Speaker 1 (40:14):
I feel the same.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
I feel like it's the water signs because but I
do feel like Earth signs are also really good at
that and this might not be so much the sign,
but it might just.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Be the people.
Speaker 2 (40:27):
I feel like sometimes water signs and earth signs will
do things to people please that they can hold it
over your head.
Speaker 3 (40:37):
Oh yeah, so I'm glad.
Speaker 4 (40:42):
You brought that up.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
You liked, be like, look at all the things that
I have done for you.
Speaker 3 (40:47):
I'm glad you brought that up.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
I'm not like that. I don't know I.
Speaker 3 (40:55):
Will if the boot fits.
Speaker 2 (40:58):
I really do anything for anyone. I'm like, I feel like, yeah,
you think.
Speaker 3 (41:05):
Fire signs, I feel like, because I don't really know,
I think fire signs are like, no, I don't want
to do that. I mean sometimes I feel like they
will people please if it's going to benefit them in
some way and if it's fun. Uh, But like for
me being like a triple aries having triple a triple
(41:28):
an airy stellium, I think, Yeah, I find myself going
back and forth between like people pleasing and being like, well,
how does this serve me? At the end of the day.
But then I also find myself being like those are
the that's the low vibrating like frequency to navigate through.
It's like, you shouldn't just do things for people so
(41:48):
that I can benefit you. And I'm like, oh, yeah,
you're right, girl, Then what do I do? Then? Just
don't do it? Or do it if you want to
do it because you love them? Oh, Like those are
the things in my past that I've had to like
in my past, I like twelve years old'd be like,
don't be a brat, Maya, don't be a diva. Do
(42:08):
you think if you really want to do them?
Speaker 1 (42:10):
You know what?
Speaker 2 (42:11):
Also to that whole thing about like I will say,
I've been hearing people say like does this serve you?
Like that also can be a little toxic, so just
be mindful not for you, but people I.
Speaker 3 (42:20):
Agree, I agree, like how does this well, I get
it in a in a sense of like yes, serving
as in like how is this? How is this going
to serve you? Like not as if they are serving you,
but like how does this serve your own purpose?
Speaker 1 (42:38):
I think fulfilling? Is this fulfilling? Ye to you? I
like that feel healthy to you?
Speaker 3 (42:42):
I think serving sounds more like colonial.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
Does this serve me? Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (42:47):
I feel like in my experience, fire signs are very like, uh,
they're the trailblazers. They don't give a shit, they'll brand
shit down. I don't, and they like control. Their issue
to me is not so much their people please think
They're issue for me is that they tend to want
to control people, and it's like.
Speaker 1 (43:04):
Calm down.
Speaker 3 (43:08):
I've never been controlling.
Speaker 2 (43:09):
I know that you can have as much. I don't
know if you can people. Please when you're worried about
when you're moving people around like chess pieces.
Speaker 3 (43:15):
But uh, but earth signs too. Though earth signs too, What.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
Do you mean.
Speaker 2 (43:25):
Not me swerving your earth sign hate? But air signs It.
Speaker 3 (43:29):
Was not hate, it was not hey. It was just
like talk about chess pieces, talk about being calculated.
Speaker 1 (43:37):
I feel like.
Speaker 2 (43:38):
Air signs are like they in my experience, they can
get in their heads with some shit, but most of
the Air signs in my life don't give a fuck.
Speaker 1 (43:45):
They're just in their own little world.
Speaker 3 (43:47):
By I think libras can be people pleasers, Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (43:53):
Yes, yes, enough libras to be honest. Remember, I always
call them like they're kind of like the boring sign
for me in the zodiac.
Speaker 1 (43:58):
I don't know, there's nothing.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
I feel like I can say super toxic things about
every every sign like in the zodiac, I can give
you the personality traits, I can give you good stuff.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
Libra, I'm like, so you.
Speaker 2 (44:10):
Can't make up your mind for what you wanted for dinner.
You can't make up your mind if you want to
stay or be with someone. Well, if try talking to
a Scorpio who's out here gonna point and they're gonna
poison your dog for sucking them over, Like, try talking
about Virgo, who's gonna.
Speaker 1 (44:22):
You know what I mean? Like, Libra, I'm like, they're
the they're the boring villains. And in the villain universe.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Wow, if we were in Gotham right and you were like.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
Coming out of the sewer.
Speaker 3 (44:45):
The sewer, we're coming out of a and of like
a meteor into okay, what what what's that in the sky,
And it's just like a big ball of like a
big flame all the fire. And then it's like me, hey, guys,
I didn't know that I was on fire this time.
(45:06):
And then I come down and then I'm like I
rest and I'm like, hey, what are we doing?
Speaker 1 (45:12):
Exactly?
Speaker 2 (45:12):
I think about Geminis right, like how cool would that
villain Gemini be?
Speaker 1 (45:16):
How cool would Virgo be? Pisco Libra, what the fuck
are they going to do?
Speaker 3 (45:19):
Have we done astrological superheroes?
Speaker 4 (45:23):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (45:23):
What our adhd?
Speaker 1 (45:28):
What are they gonna do? Clap somebody the head with
the scale?
Speaker 3 (45:31):
Have they done astrological superheroes? Our adhd? These past couple
of days has been like wild.
Speaker 2 (45:42):
I don't know if you could tell, but the first
half of this podcast my brain was like, you're waking up.
Speaker 3 (45:48):
Now you're awake.
Speaker 4 (45:51):
Now the stars are bright le shining.
Speaker 1 (45:54):
Anyways, whatever Libra work hard at being more toxic. You
bore me.
Speaker 3 (45:58):
Oh my god, No, you can't do libras like that,
the low frequency libres you identify it.
Speaker 2 (46:04):
The traits are boring. I just want them to be
more toxic. If they're going to be in this conversation.
Speaker 3 (46:08):
You know what. The only the only libras I've experienced,
I've lived with two. One of them was my roommate's
girlfriend who would was like so she would talk shit
behind people's backs and then like she just wasn't. I'm like,
say that ship with your fucking chest, girl, That's what
I That's what I say for libras who don't feel
(46:29):
like they have a voice yet.
Speaker 1 (46:31):
Pease.
Speaker 3 (46:33):
And that concludes the astrology portion.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
Jeses Maya, how do you plead about people pleasing?
Speaker 1 (46:40):
Are you? Are you not? Pleasease?
Speaker 3 (46:42):
Please? Please don't prove I'm wrong, and please, please please.
Speaker 1 (46:51):
Don't that song?
Speaker 3 (46:53):
Can I finish?
Speaker 2 (46:55):
My friend mish as you know me, she showed me
that song. She showed it to me, and I thought
Sabrina Carpenter was an indie artist. I was like, oh
my god, it's so cute. I thought she's an indie artist.
I thought she was like, no one's going to know this,
no one's going to know this song. And Sabrina Carpenter
being a coverter.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
Well, my advice for people who are people pleasers, the
whole thing is you're giving your power away to other people,
No matter what. I think it comes down to coming
back to yourself and thinking, am I doing this genuinely
out of like because I love this person I would
(47:38):
do anything for them? Or am I doing this to
gain something? Am I doing this and there's something wrong
with that either? You know, we all have to get
We all have to you know, do our our due diligence,
We all have to paaradues. Yes, but is this you
know when it feels toxic and you know when it
feels like you're compromising yourself. So yeah, yeah, I would
(48:00):
ask chat GBT, am I people pleaser? And see what
it says. What were you?
Speaker 1 (48:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (48:05):
I feel like, you know, if you're a people pleaser,
just be mindful. I think we all are. I think
people pleasing lives on a spectrum, and some people do
it more than others. I think that acknowledging what your intentions,
just like you said, are for your are what are
your reasons for wanting to not rock the boat? Are
you compromising your own individuality, your own boundaries, your own safety,
(48:27):
and are you compromising the individuality and the safety of
others around you? You know, like does that bleed over
into your kids? Does it bleed over into your relationships.
Like just the more that you gain your own self
confidence with yourself, I think the better it will be,
so that you can just be better at boundaries. At
the end of the day, I think this is just
a conversation about boundaries, So go on, boundary queen.
Speaker 3 (48:51):
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of
The Super Secret Bestie Club Podcast. Curly, How can I
find you on social media?
Speaker 2 (48:57):
You can find me at the Curly v Show on
Instagram and TikTok Maya Where can people find you on
social media?
Speaker 3 (49:03):
You can find me at Maya in the Moment, m
a y A in the Moment, wherever you scroll. Please
please please, I'm begging you, please, megastar Okay Bye. Make
sure to hit that subscribe button to hear more episodes
(49:23):
every single week. The Super Secret Bestie Club Podcast is
a production of Sonodo in partnership with iHeartRadio's Michael Tha
podcast Network.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple
Podcast
Speaker 1 (49:36):
Or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Hey, Maya, do you mind picking up my drag cleaning
for me?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Sure?
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Oh? And also could I bother you to off my dog? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (00:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (00:07):
And now that we're here, can I borrow your hair
to just just shave the side of it? Like?
Speaker 4 (00:11):
What?
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Oh? So can I have your eyelashes? Oh? And your voice?
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Oh? Keep singing?
Speaker 1 (00:25):
I can.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Okay, that's fine. And that was a demonstration of what
it's like to people. Please, thank you. Get it in here.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
My name is Curly and I'm Maya, and welcome to
the Super Secret Prestie Club Podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
A super secret club where we talk about super secret things. Yeah,
like secrets that are super that's when it is.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
In each episode we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreaks, men,
and of course our favorite secrets.
Speaker 4 (00:56):
Get in here.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Welcome to another episode of the Slip a Slip of
Us the Club podcast. Curly, come on down.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Oh my god, I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
I came all the way from Phoenix, Arizona, Kentucky.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
There's a new one and.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Phoenix, Arizona, Kentucky.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
So the town is called Phoenix, Arizona.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
In Kentucky, in Kentucky. Got it? Yeah, And I'm here
to win Money.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
People Pleasers Award. Yeah, oh, this is the people Pleasers Awards.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Okay, yeah, my favorite.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
I mean, look, if anything, I'm probably pretty up there
with being people pleaser.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
And what about you? Are you going to be nominated
for an award?
Speaker 3 (01:45):
No, I kinda. I run this foundation, so so you're selfish,
is what I'm hearing. No, I give the awards. I
give the awards out as I'm the ultimate.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Care about the needs of others.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
What's your spirit? How's your spirit?
Speaker 1 (02:03):
My spirit's good.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Actually, I have like this massive sit on my nose
that has just lived there. So my dad found this
like giant dog, and I've been like taking care of
this giant dog and I've been kissing him a lot,
like I'm I'm a big like I kiss my dogs.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I'm very like oh yea, and.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
He was very dirty when I started to do it.
So now I'm paying the price because I have a
massive ZiT on my nose.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
So you're blaming your ZiT on your on a rescue dog,
is what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Because that's I just know that that's where it came from.
Like I washed my face several times a day, like
I know if I get it on my side, it's
probably for my pillows. If I get it from my forehead,
it's probably for my hair product and my nose. When
would I I know that that's because I've been like smooching,
Like this sounds terrible, but like smooching this dog.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Well, how's your spirit?
Speaker 3 (02:53):
My spirit's good. I am in peak procrastination mode. So
right after this need to do three things that are
due tomorrow and that I put off for.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
A week.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yeah, what is time? Really?
Speaker 3 (03:13):
I know it. But today we are talking about people
pleasing and being a people pleaser. We're all my people
business up, bitch, hands my people.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
People please people. Kaba, are you a people pleaser too?
Speaker 3 (03:35):
No? Wow, exactly tell them, she said, I'm Gemini.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
I feel like after this conversation you might have second thoughts.
I feel like, Aba, you might sit there and be like, actually,
maybe I am a people pleaser, because I feel like
that's what we're talking about today, right, Like the differences
of what we think people pleasing is. Sometimes we think
that people pleasing is like you're a little doormat. You
let people get away with what they want. I feel like,
you know, we have small little relationships with people that
(04:02):
you know where we might exhibit people pleasing stuff, But.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
What is it?
Speaker 3 (04:06):
Like, Yeah, what is a people pleaser? You might ask.
My definition of a people pleaser, coming from my own experiences,
is when you for different reasons, maybe it's because you
want to belong or you want to be validated in
some way because you weren't in your childhood, or it's yeah,
(04:29):
you want to make people kind of like you. So
it's you know, you do things for them, you please them,
basically like you put your needs on the back burner,
in the back seat, and you put their needs at
the forefront, even though it may inconvenience you at times.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's the main thing, is putting
other people's needs before yours, even though it might be
exactly what you said, like, even though it might be
detrimental to you and your well being and what it
is that you and it kind of like violates your
boundaries in a way.
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Because I don't think people pleasers are saints or anything.
You're gaining something, You're being rewarded for something like either
you want to be looked at as like, oh my god,
I'm such a good friend or I'm a great co worker,
I'm a great employee. I always get my stuff, you know,
done on time, or like you know, there's there's a
(05:22):
reward there, Yeah, there's.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Like yeah, I kind of wrote that later on in
our outline a little bit like it's kind of like
the their value, Like you kind of sometimes find your
value in being able to do things for people like
look at me, like I can do this for you,
and I've done this for this person, and you can
kind of fall into a little bit of like being
a saint, you know, and wanting to have that image.
(05:46):
I think that what I have learned is that as
I've gone older, though, is that like people pleasing can
look different in a lot of different areas. Like I
would not necessarily consider myself somebody who cares about pleasing
people all the time, but there is a part of
me that, like when it comes to like friendships or
(06:07):
family or even boyfriends that I've had, where I want
to please them to some capacity, even if it means
that I'm doing something that I'm not happy about or
that I don't want to do.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Here are some symptoms of being a people pleaser. Number One,
having a gicy, fat ass whoa that's crazy.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Yesterday when we wrote that outline, I looked it over
and I was like, having a fat ass.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
I just like, how did that get in there?
Speaker 3 (06:37):
I'm just kidding. I'm just gonna put that in every
single outline from now on in some way.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
And then we got into a whole conversation about having
a fad ass. I don't have one, and then we
literally were like.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
It can hurt your back sometimes, huh.
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Yeah, laying down sometimes like I always have like a
little I can't lay down flat sometimes, Difficulty saying no,
avoiding conflict, well, difficulty in saying Difficulty saying no for me,
I feel like would be in like do you think
you can help me do this? And blah blah blah
blah blah blah, and you're like and you can't and
(07:12):
you don't want to, but you do it anyway, And
it's like, why are you doing it anyway? Is it
because this is a bully or is this because if
you don't do it you think that you'll be loved less?
Which I feel like was my thing of like if
I if I said no, then this means that they
think that I'm unreliable or they think that I'm not
(07:33):
accessible to like being being a helper, being a team player,
And then I would see other people say no to
everything and live their best lives.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, And I'm like.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
I'm over here picking up the you're picking up your
dry cleaning free you.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
I feel like for me, I have difficulty saying no
when it comes to things for work, Like I remember
when we still worked at BuzzFeed, Like I would say
yes to a lot of things because it added value
to myself in a lot of ways, because I would
be like, see, I can do it all, do you
know what I mean? Like it would do these things
where I would be and I held that as being
something a little bit more valuable than my peace and
(08:14):
my quiet and my like my resting time, you know.
But I also feel like difficulty saying no can be
in a lot of other different ways as well, like
just being able to go like I'm not comfortable, like
you know, Like for example, when our photos were coming
out right like we were this might be too personal,
but we didn't like the photos and that we're going
(08:36):
to be used for promotion for this podcast, and we
said no, right like, but there could be a thing
you were the one that was like a little bit
more like no, and you could have had it in
your spirit where you were like, I don't.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Want to rock the boats, so I don't want to
say anything, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (08:51):
So like even that takes courage to be able to
say no, and a lot of people don't have the
courage to be like no, I don't like that. I
don't want to do it. I don't want the So
that can show up in so many different ways.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
It's just artistic differences, Like the color was a little
bit was a lot off, and I feel like a
green because I was so such a people pleaser before,
especially when it came to my own art, to my
own image when other people had like an opinion on
what I was doing or my kind of style. I
(09:25):
remember every single time I would people please and say like,
oh yeah, go with what they're they're probably like they
know what they're doing more than me and my own project.
And when it came to like a project that was hours,
I'm like, no longer will I ever say oh, yeah,
this is fine, because I'm gonna have to look at
this shit every single time like something comes up for
(09:47):
this project.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Yeah, And that kind of that kind of ties into
like difficulties saying I mean, I'm saying that goes into
avoiding conflict, like that goes into people just wanting to
be like I don't want to rock the boat. I
don't necessarily I don't want to be seen as like
the problematic diva, right, or the gay guy with an attitude.
I don't want to be seen as like the sassy
(10:08):
person whatever. It is, So like you kind of will
start to, you know, avoid conflict in a lot of
ways because you don't want to be you don't want
to tarnish your image.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
And it's like, yeah, there's a thing where you are like,
you know, let me pick and choose my battles. Like
that's definitely different because when you are avoiding, you can
feel yourself avoiding conflict, and maybe sometimes it's like necessary
to avoid that conflict. But in those moments when you
feel like inside and the whole thing is like you
(10:40):
are ignoring your intuition and your gut and you are
compromising yourself and settling for somebody else's opinion and so
avoiding conflict, I feel like I would do that because
I would be like, yeah, I don't want to be
seen as a diva. I don't want to be seen
as like you own you always have a problem when
it comes to business, like, okay, yeah, see me as
(11:00):
a diva. I don't care like this shit when there's
money involved, when there's image involved, when there's work in artistry. Yes,
when it comes to like friendships and stuff like, I
feel like that's where it gets a little bit like muddy, because,
like I mean, I think conflict is very very healthy,
(11:20):
especially for friendships and relationships because you're able to navigate
through like you know, the way you communicate and the
way you fight. But then it's also like, yeah, I'm
done having this fight with you, or like I don't
want to I don't want to bring up another thing,
you know.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Yeah, yeah, I wonder too, like if we you know,
if like our next symptom is like seeking approval. And
I started to think, like, aren't we all kind of
like seeking approval with some capacity, Like don't we all
kind of like conform to certain beauty standards and certain
things in a lot of different ways because we're just
trying to like get approval from I don't know.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
The guys in West Hollywood who never look at me,
oh all right, they never look at me.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
I don't know why guys never look at me anywhere else.
Anywhere else I go, like a supermarket or whatever, get
got attention. But its Hollywood, aren't They.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
Just all like fucked up and like they're not even
looking at anyone because their eyes are like cross eyed,
because they're just like tripping on something.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
But I do wonder if there's like a part of
me being like if that's part of being a people pleaser?
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Is that me seeking their approval as well?
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Right, like wanting to be validated by people in my community,
Like is that you know? Because when I was younger,
I had big, curly hair and I dressed in a
type of way and I didn't give a fuck.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
And then as like, well as I got.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Older, like now I don't care, but before I like, sorry,
now i'm more like minimals my style. But before and
I shaved my head for the first time when I
was like twenty two. It was because I wanted to
fit in with like Latin gay men and I wanted
them to see me and kind of like give me
their approval. So I wasn't like, see, I'm not some
(13:02):
like crazy wild child like I was, And I have
always been, but you know, I think that that's another
space where we might be able to see that we
kind of are people pleasers. Maybe we all possess certain
types of that that see in us.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
I think there's something like naive and like harmless about
seeking approval because we are such a society where we
survive and thrive and you know, cheese may gossip. All
that stuff is information and knowledge and stuff, So it's
(13:40):
like I feel like it's a part of the human
experience and connecting. But also if you're like I feel
like seeking approval can also be like a little bit
of a kiss ass thing where it's like if you
are constantly seeking approval from someone, like, how do you
know they're actually being legit because you have the dynamic
(14:00):
of them kind of like telling you what you want
to hear or you or you, yeah, like like fluffing
up their ego. You know. It's just just kind of
like I feel like I've had that before where I
could never really say tell them the truth of what
I was feeling, and they didn't care enough to tell
me the truth, or or they would tell me the truth,
(14:21):
I'd be like, ah, thanks for that. That was harsh.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
And that's that's interesting because I feel like, very early
on in my life I've been very big on being like, actually, no,
I don't like that, like actually in terms of let's say,
like there was like a leader or like a queen
bee or a boss at school, I mean at work
or whatever or whatever hierarchy there was, right Like, I
(14:46):
was very big at being like m not so much.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
I don't like that this is not the not for me.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
But that's because you were secure in your own intuition
and your own identity too.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Versus try I do this thing like when I get
intimidated with telling somebody, I'm like, do you not want
to say something to them because you think that they're
like powerful? Are you holding them up against like when
I say this to Maya? And would I not say
this to somebody else because I don't hold them in
the same sort of like esteem, you know. And then
it's important to me that I treat people equally, so
(15:20):
then I don't do that. But some people get really scared.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
Yes, And then there's another another symptom is over committing,
which I definitely would do all the time. You would
say yes you could do, yes, I can. I can
pick that up, or like yes I can do this,
or yeah I can go your event, and then when
you over commit, you really it's kind of like you
are not manipulating, but you you're just kind of like
(15:50):
saying yes to their face. And then when it comes
down to it and you actually can't go, like did
you just say yes so you could obviously please them
and so they feel support in that moment, and then
you actually just don't go.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Like that sounds like me anyways, because I just flake.
But I'm a flake.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
I'm an there's but it's a difference between flaking and
intentionally like not looking at your calendar and just saying
yes to everything. Because like I almost did that today
where I was like, yeah, for sure, I can go.
Then I was like, actually, no, I have something on
my calendar and I don't want to, like I don't
want to say yes to both things because I don't
know how it's going to go day up. And thank
(16:26):
god I did that because I was like, oh shit.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
So like I feel like for me, the fear of
rejection shows up for me a lot in relationships, like
there I can feel it, like in the very beginning
when I meet a guy and I can kind of
see like we might differ politically. I might go like
like I might ignore things that I just don't like.
There's this one guy who I think is really cool,
really sexy, really cute, but he'll post things that are
(17:08):
very political on his social media that I just kind
of like, they're on ed, They're a little like, what
is it border borderline for me? Where I'm like, you're
not posting crazy problematic stuff.
Speaker 4 (17:22):
Flag a little bit, A little bit.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
What's the next one after beage flag?
Speaker 3 (17:28):
I could say like yellow or orange, like like, he'll
put something I don't care if he's this either, but
he'll put something that was like from liberals of TikTok, And.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
I'm like, why are you sharing a video from.
Speaker 3 (17:40):
Libs of TikTok? Does libs?
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Oh yeah, yeah yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:44):
And I was like, but I can feel myself being like,
you know, but he's he is. I am attracted to him.
I do think he's cool. Like I can feel my
brain trying to kind of go back and forth between
those two.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Anything Bank of TikTok is a no go.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
Versus like anybody else. Any Let's say it was like
somebody that I met in the streets. Somebody that I
met at a party who was like, let's talk about
lives of TikTok, Like I'm out, I'm not even gonna
like talk to about a party. But I do have
this little bit of like fear of rejection when it
comes to love. I think that that's where I hold
mine is like love and in relationships a little bit,
(18:20):
you know.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
So the next one is manipulation vulnerability. Due to their
desire to please people, pleasers can be more susceptible to manipulation, manipulation,
and exploitation. Others may take advantage of their willingness to
help and reluctant to set boundaries. I had a bully
who used to make me, not make me, but knew
(18:43):
that I was sensitive and wanted to be their friend.
And I, you know, was a people pleaser. I said
yes to everything I was. I was young and dumb
and would be like kind of soften their tone and
be like, my, the do you know how to do this?
I'm just I just don't know, and I'm like, for sure,
I'll help you, and then I end up doing the
(19:03):
whole project, or then I end up like giving them
like a contact that like ends up later never talking
to me again because they had talked shit about me,
like different things, a true true story, like different things
where I noticed I was like, oh man, I was
the perfect like person to manipulate back then. And then
(19:29):
I look back and I'm like, wow, girl, wow, you
can tell those people too. Nowadays, I feel like I
have like a couple of people that I'm like, girl,
like you need to be stronger on your boundaries and
stronger to say no, like don't let this person mess
you around. Like I can see myself back then in them,
(19:49):
and I'm like, you need to be more firm, like
do you actually want to do this? Like I have
to ask them do you want to do this? Like
yes or no? Like you get to plan the whole day,
what do you want to do?
Speaker 1 (20:02):
And yeah yeah yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
I find them like struggling with that. So this, like
manipulation vulnerability is very I feel like we can get
caught in it whenever we're mesmerized or enamored with anybody
who we put on a pedestal.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Yeah you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Earlier too, like you ask yourself, like if somebody wants
to get you to over commit, or somebody wants you
to change some things like where are you placing them
in your brain? Like how what's the pedestal in which
you're placing them?
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Like is this a parent? Is this a lover? Is
this somebody you work with? Is this someone you consider
a friend?
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Like if you are kind of afraid of them to
some capacity, like you're gonna do it. We all do
with our bosses. I get really annoyed, like I forgot
where I was.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
I was.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
I think I was at like a fast food restaurant
or something like that, and I was. I forgot where
I was, and I was with the workers, and I
saw the boss come in and all the workers were like, oh, oh,
the manager's here, Like Susie's here, Susie and in that space,
Susie's the big fish, right like she's not that a meta.
So everyone is gonna please her and give her way
she wants.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
But I don't work there. I don't give a shit
about what Susie thinks, Like who as a fuck?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
No, But I'm just like people will work to please
this person, but because I don't place her in that situation,
I don't give a fuck.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
And if you have a friend like this, where you
are afraid to say no to them if they ask
for things that's not like they're not a friend, like
you should be able to be like oh, actually I
can't or even to hang out or like certain things
where it's like oh I can't do this or I
can't do that or you know, and if they're like, oh,
you suck, like you know, instead of being like oh,
(21:33):
I'm sorry, like you know, sorry that you can't do
this or whatever, or why like why can't you? Okay? Well,
I what I love is as a as a former
people pleaser, as somebody who's working out of a people
pleasing mentality. I love when friends are able to allow
me to have my boundary of like I want to
stay home tonight or I can't do this, or I
(21:55):
can't go to this or I can't whatever, and them
being like Okay, yeah, I totally I respect that, Like
I know you like your I know you need your
hermit time or I know you need your whatever time,
or like I'm.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Gonna say that's something that happens when you're twelve.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Like when you're twelve, you go, you suck and you're
like come to the party, You're like, you suck. And
then as an adult, you kind of learn people's boundaries
and the like I don't want to go to the
party and you're.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Like, okay, take you have fun? Do you you know
what I mean?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Like that's growth, And if you're not there in your friendships.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
It's different if you had committed and was like we're
going together and then the night of like yeah. But
if it's something that's like where you know, it's a
it's a people pleaser thing where you really don't want
to go, like it's or they want you to go
because of a certain reason. Like I think it's again
just like listening to yourself. But where do you think
that it stems from?
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Oh my god? All of that for sure is like
childhood's childhood.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Yeah, I wrote down childhood experiences.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Childhood experiences.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
I think how you see yourself, Like, you know, do
you have low self esteem when you're with somebody, how
do you view where do you place yourself in the
pedestal game? And where do you place them in the
pedestal game? But I think it's just kind of a
thing and then just kind of sometimes people's thresholds for
bullshit are different, Like for me, for example, my threshold
(23:15):
in relationships for bullshit is bigger because I grew up
in an abusive household. Right, So my sister and I
were like, we talk about how we let our partners
get away with a lot more bullshit because.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
At least he's not hitting me.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
That's our that's like our barometer for like picking stuff,
you know. So I'll be like, oh, you know, I've
had partners. I tend to also be like a little
bit more like the chill one in relationships and a
lot of times the men that I'm dating, or it
can be a little bit more like it can get
aggravated easier easily.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
I'm not the same. I'm not like little miss little
like I'm not.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
That you should see how he sleeps. So he sleeps
literally like an angel, like hands full like prayers, I think,
prayer hands and then to the side and then like
chin resting on the prayer of your hands, or your
hands are oh yeah, oh yeah, or your hands are
like like you're on your chin, or you're you have
(24:13):
your hands crossing your heart like a vampire when you sleep.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
So supposed to do with your hands when you sleep?
What do you do with your hands?
Speaker 3 (24:19):
Mine go like this, mine go on the back like
this like a baby. My Mom's like you always you
slept like that since you were a Baby's so funny. Yeah,
we're going and then go goo gay.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Sometimes in my crotch area, like I.
Speaker 3 (24:34):
Was just like, oh yeah, me too. It feels good
to just like hold your bunsa hold. Yeah. Sometimes I'll
just like rest a hand on top because it feels
like I don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
On your girls do that.
Speaker 3 (24:47):
Yeah, I have like a shelf. I have like a
like my bansa and then I have a shelf and
then you know, there's the door to mortor you know,
so I have like a there's a cliff. I put
my hands on the cliff.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Yeah, and that's what I do too. Sometimes I got
my balls soon and I just like that's how I sleep.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
But like but anyway, Yeah, that's that's my argument for
if people are like, you're aggressive, I'm like, do you
see how he sleeps?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Yeah, look at how he sleeps.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
But I will say that, like I you know, I
just hung out with the friend of a few weeks ago,
and I could feel myself he was getting upset about something,
and I could feel myself wanting to calm him down.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
I know, that my.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Energy is calming and soothing to a lot of people,
and so I over extend myself in a lot of
ways to therapies, to hold space for them, to ask
them what's going on, to try to cheer them up,
because I feel like that's almost like my responsibility because
I don't get upset so much, huh. And I think
that comes from my childhood for sure.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
What about you? Like what do you think I think?
Speaker 3 (25:49):
Because sometimes I would see the women in my life
not vocalize for themselves or ask me in a different
way to be like do you think you could do both?
Like almost gas lighting or like uh love bombing manipulating
a little bit where they'd be like, I'm just my
(26:10):
back hurts because I have this. Do you think you
would oh sure I can do that? Or yeah, oh sure?
Or I would do it. I would people please, because
like my brother and I had such a rocky childhood,
like being brother and sister. We would fight all the time,
and I would always want to make sure that my
parents knew that I was not like him. So I
(26:33):
would go above and beyond, be an overachiever perfectionist and
show them that I had good grades. I had this
and that, and yes, I can clean whatever you want
me to clean or yet, but it wouldn't be without attitude.
For sure. There was definitely times when I like got like.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
A bunch of.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
Not a pigmy the kid. I'm a kid, but I
was not like the other kids, and I was a
cool kid.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
So yeah, look, I support.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
Why wouldn't you want to pick me?
Speaker 3 (27:07):
Why wouldn't you want to pick me? Why wouldn't you
want to choose me? Why wouldn't you want to love me? Anyway, Yeah,
it definitely comes from childhood because you want to at
That's why I said, like seeking validation or seeking like
approval is at its core what we did as children.
(27:28):
We were kind of looking to our elders or our
brothers or sisters and parents of like am I doing
this right? Or like is this right to do? So
it's like, of course it's going to kind of carry
on into our adulthood. But you know, sometimes it turns
into a thing where you people please or you seek
(27:48):
approval for your own validation, and then you have this
like kind of fake validation from other people that is
very very fragile. If so somebody like doesn't give you that,
then that day you're like crushed, you know. So it's
so important to what I've noticed as growing up as
(28:10):
a kid is that I'm I can't really like rely
on other people for validation because we're also like we
don't have the same brain.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
Yeah, I saw this. I read this really cool thing
in Oh my, what's this book called. It's like a
really famous it's a really popular book. It's like the
Art of Love or something or not the Art of Love.
It's called ah shit, it's something. It's it's a really
good book. But they were talking about when you even
taking positive feedback, even taking positive validation from people, can
(28:41):
be dangerous because if somebody is like, oh my god, mind,
I think you're so funny, You're so funny, You're self funny,
and you're like think you think, you think you and
then one day they're like, you're not funny anymore, you're
placing so much power in their words to begin with. Versus,
if you from the get go are like I believe
I'm funny, nobody can shake that from you. Nobody can
take it from you, Like, you can't be looking for
people to do that. So to your point, it's like
(29:04):
it just reminded me of that one little thing that
I was talking about.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
But you know, I was.
Speaker 2 (29:08):
Wondering too if the need for harmony comes from being
more feminine or being a woman, or being a you know,
women of color, not me, but you know what what
it means to kind of live in a society that's
created for a cis het white man, right, And you know,
research shows that, yeah, women are kind of expected to
(29:32):
be more people pleasing or people pleasers because the uh.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
The kind the kind of.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Characteristics of being selfless, nurturing, and being more empathetic are
usually reserved for women and fem people, like.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Out of safety for sure, especially when we're like when
somebody is on the somebody on the street is like,
you're beautiful, Can I get your number? It's like you
you can't just say no, get away. I mean, you
can just say no get away from but you always
have the thing in the back of your mind, are
they gonna murder me?
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, I mean, and you know,
we giggle about it because it's like so ridiculous, but
it's true, Like you know, even with men like straight
since has I mean, with sis men like them coming
up to queer people, we also have the same things too,
where they're like, hey, what's.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Up are you gay? And you're like why do you
want to know? Like anything?
Speaker 2 (30:24):
You know, it's kind of scary, and yeah, I think that.
I also think that the other part of it too
is that women do tend to be better collaborators. There's
a little bit of like an openness to collab with
each other. That's also something that research has shown. But
I think that in terms of how women are raised
and how they're taught to look after people in their lives, men,
their kids, the people around them, they can tend to
(30:48):
be a little bit of more people pleasing. Then maybe
they understand it too. What I found interesting as well
then we talked about it yesterday, is that men can
also so experience people pleasing pressures from the needs of
looking needing to look strong or masculine, because men also
have a lot of different stereotypes to live up to
(31:12):
in society. Right, Like I was I was telling you
yesterday that as a queer individual, I've always lived on
the outside. I've never been able to hide my queerness
since I was a kid. Right, So, like whenever I've
been around a group of men, I always kind of
watch them like like a scientist watching like a group
of apes. Basically, yeah, I said it apes because they
(31:34):
basically will through the way that they engage. If you
ever watch straight men, by the way, watch them interact
one another, they will pick an alpha. Women do the
same thing too, by the way, but they'll pick an alpha,
and that alpha kind of decides who is his right hand,
and then they decide who. But they want to still
seem like accessible, so they have somebody who's funny, who
makes them laugh. You'll always see it. There's always a
(31:55):
trio right like it's.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
It's Me Girls, It's Mean Girl, It's Mean Girls. Girls.
Was based off of a street man.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Yeah exactly, so like you know, you see that too,
and I'll you know, I'll here. I remember guys that
were more open to maybe a queer identity. They'd be like,
you're gonna hang with curly but no, no, no, not me
because they want to people is their queen bee, like
they want to. I remember one time I went to
go pee. There was two urinals and two stalls, and
I went to go pee. I was peeing at a
(32:26):
urinal and a guy walked in after me. This in
high school. Guy walked in after me, and instead of
choosing one of the stalls there was three empty places
to pee, he decided to pee right next to me.
And then he went right back to class and told
all the boys like, oh my god, guess what I
had to pe next to Curly? And I was like,
you didn't really, like you didn't you really? You truly
(32:47):
did not have to p next to me. You could
have peed, like you could have locked yourself in a
little thing. But you know, I think that his needs.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
That's what he's still staying that to to He's still
saying that to this day.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
He's like, you know, I do not know what he
looks like. If I saw him again, I probably wouldn't
remember that I went to high school with him.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
So there's that.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
But you know, I think that men also, I always
want to also acknowledge that we all have our own
things to put up within the society. Like what do
they say not misogyny? What what's the word the hierarchy?
The hierarchy affects unfortunately all of us. So patriarchy, what's
(33:44):
the worst place that you, uh, where's the where's the
worst place that your people pleasing has taken you?
Speaker 3 (33:51):
I forgot what I wrote for mine? Would you have one?
I like yours? Immediately? Immediately answer was like sex.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Yesterday when you asked this question, where's the worst place
you're people pleasing to say he knows like sex?
Speaker 1 (34:05):
Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Back in the day, like you, before Grinder, we had
these things called craigslists. I mean, everybody knows Craigslist, but
you could post an ad and you could hook up
with the guy and you would just drive over to
them and you if they I was saying, mind like
the amount of men on a funny note, the amount
of men that I would hook up with and so
sleep with because I didn't want them to feel bad
about themselves, but I wasn't attracted to them, you know,
(34:29):
the amount of men that I would like pity fuck.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Basically, whoa.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Now all the guys are listening to this and being like,
was I just a pity hookup? Well?
Speaker 1 (34:41):
This is what I used to drink.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Because now I'm very like, I'm not going to do
anything I don't want to do, and in fact, my
body won't allow me to do things that I don't
want to do right on, you know, on a more
serious note too, like you know I did have a
partner who liked to engage in sexual things that I
just didn't feel comfortable doing.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
It wasn't what I liked, and.
Speaker 2 (35:01):
Because I was a people pleaser, I would keep saying yes,
and even when I kept when I would discuss my boundaries,
they couldn't really give me that either, And it kind
of felt dangerous for me at some points, like it
felt scary to me at some points, like it didn't
feel safe. And so I feel like if I would
have been a little bit more assertive, you know, and
(35:23):
this is you know, trigger warning or whatever, but and
this is I don't want anybody to feel like it's
their fault if they ever find themselves in this situation,
because it's not. Your partner should make your sexual experience
something safe for you. But me personally, in my own journey,
I think that I should have been a little bit
more assertive and been like no bitch, you know, like
ha karate chopped them in the neck and been like
(35:46):
I'm not doing that. But I think that, like, you
have to be mindful of how far your people pleasing
stuff will go to because then there you are in
a moment that you don't know how to get out
of and you're just like shit.
Speaker 3 (35:58):
Yeah, I think it's it's affected me in my early
days of my career doing certain things I didn't want
to do but knew that I had to because I
didn't want to disappoint anyone or I didn't want to
like show that I was. It's all comes down to,
like I didn't want to look like I was a diva.
I didn't want it because I was told like every
(36:20):
single time that I would say no, my experience or
stick up for myself, my experience would be you're acting
like a brat, or you're a diva or you're whatever.
So you know, in my career, I think it was
like watching Beyonce and listening to Beyonce and Lady Gaga
and Selena you know, like talk about and seeing them
(36:40):
like owning their shit helped me a lot as a
performer and as like a business woman.
Speaker 1 (36:46):
Businesswoman to like a business woman.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
Yeah, to like not go down that road, because I
think the whole thing was like even I think at BuzzFeed,
I would people please a lot and be in certain
videos that I did not want to be in, but
I didn't want to say no because I didn't want
them to think that I was like not a game
player or that I was difficult to work with. Yeah,
that's real, you know, so I would say yes, and
(37:11):
I regretted doing those videos. And so now my rule
is like, are you okay with this existing for the
rest of your life? Are you okay looking at this
every single day?
Speaker 2 (37:21):
And like are you okay with some of these conversations
existing for those of your life?
Speaker 3 (37:25):
Yep, exactly sure whatever. I'll look back in ten years
and it'd be like, ie, people please myself.
Speaker 4 (37:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (37:45):
Welcome to the astrology portion of the podcast seen Sweenee
Sweeny Meani.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
I saw this thing on TikTok today that was saying
that do you realize that your ascendant sign is the
body is supposed to like depict like your body, Like you're.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Supposed to dress according to like what your your rising
sign is.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
Yeah, because your body is designed to be like your
rising sign and like so it minds a scorpio. What
the fuck am I supposed to wear like all black
and shit? Like, because I've also seen like you should
dress according to your son's sign and mine's verbal venus.
Speaker 3 (38:24):
Well, it's part it's different parts of you, like venus
is for attraction, like your rising is for like if
you if you're really trying to get closer to like
being yourself and having your own kind of like, I
don't think you need to do anything. You literally like
dress how the way you want to, which is the
(38:45):
way your chart is already unfolding.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
Yeah, but I just think I'm like girl, Like I
was just like, what but what if I wanted to?
Speaker 1 (38:52):
What is it like? I just come out in claws
and a stinger.
Speaker 3 (38:57):
You should be man, you should be Scorpio for Halloween,
but exactly like that, but have like some like uh,
like what is it like those be so cute? It
would be cute and have like a tale, a big,
a big one.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Wait are we talking about the character from Parapa?
Speaker 3 (39:17):
Sure? Who are the biggest people pleasers of the zodiac?
I'm gonna say just because I have a lot of
pisces placements and cancer placements, pisces and cancers, And I've
also seen it in real life, like my grandma is
(39:37):
a cancer. Her birthday is coming up, and she I've
seen her do it in real time and I have
to be like Nanny, you literally said that you did
not want to be quiet. I just I'll just do
it this one time, and I'm like, this one time
is like you're gonna be saying that like the next
ten times, like and then for Pisces. I feel like
(39:58):
we are, sometimes with love and respect, stuck in our
own delusions that we think that us saying yes to
whatever it is is going to somehow influence or add
onto our delusional day dreams.
Speaker 1 (40:14):
I feel the same.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
I feel like it's the water signs because but I
do feel like Earth signs are also really good at
that and this might not be so much the sign,
but it might just.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Be the people.
Speaker 2 (40:27):
I feel like sometimes water signs and earth signs will
do things to people please that they can hold it
over your head.
Speaker 3 (40:37):
Oh yeah, so I'm glad.
Speaker 4 (40:42):
You brought that up.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
You liked, be like, look at all the things that
I have done for you.
Speaker 3 (40:47):
I'm glad you brought that up.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
I'm not like that. I don't know I.
Speaker 3 (40:55):
Will if the boot fits.
Speaker 2 (40:58):
I really do anything for anyone. I'm like, I feel like, yeah,
you think.
Speaker 3 (41:05):
Fire signs, I feel like, because I don't really know,
I think fire signs are like, no, I don't want
to do that. I mean sometimes I feel like they
will people please if it's going to benefit them in
some way and if it's fun. Uh, But like for
me being like a triple aries having triple a triple
(41:28):
an airy stellium, I think, Yeah, I find myself going
back and forth between like people pleasing and being like, well,
how does this serve me? At the end of the day.
But then I also find myself being like those are
the that's the low vibrating like frequency to navigate through.
It's like, you shouldn't just do things for people so
(41:48):
that I can benefit you. And I'm like, oh, yeah,
you're right, girl, Then what do I do? Then? Just
don't do it? Or do it if you want to
do it because you love them? Oh, Like those are
the things in my past that I've had to like
in my past, I like twelve years old'd be like,
don't be a brat, Maya, don't be a diva. Do
(42:08):
you think if you really want to do them?
Speaker 1 (42:10):
You know what?
Speaker 2 (42:11):
Also to that whole thing about like I will say,
I've been hearing people say like does this serve you?
Like that also can be a little toxic, so just
be mindful not for you, but people I.
Speaker 3 (42:20):
Agree, I agree, like how does this well, I get
it in a in a sense of like yes, serving
as in like how is this? How is this going
to serve you? Like not as if they are serving you,
but like how does this serve your own purpose?
Speaker 1 (42:38):
I think fulfilling? Is this fulfilling? Ye to you? I
like that feel healthy to you?
Speaker 3 (42:42):
I think serving sounds more like colonial.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
Does this serve me? Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (42:47):
I feel like in my experience, fire signs are very like, uh,
they're the trailblazers. They don't give a shit, they'll brand
shit down. I don't, and they like control. Their issue
to me is not so much their people please think
They're issue for me is that they tend to want
to control people, and it's like.
Speaker 1 (43:04):
Calm down.
Speaker 3 (43:08):
I've never been controlling.
Speaker 2 (43:09):
I know that you can have as much. I don't
know if you can people. Please when you're worried about
when you're moving people around like chess pieces.
Speaker 3 (43:15):
But uh, but earth signs too. Though earth signs too, What.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
Do you mean.
Speaker 2 (43:25):
Not me swerving your earth sign hate? But air signs It.
Speaker 3 (43:29):
Was not hate, it was not hey. It was just
like talk about chess pieces, talk about being calculated.
Speaker 1 (43:37):
I feel like.
Speaker 2 (43:38):
Air signs are like they in my experience, they can
get in their heads with some shit, but most of
the Air signs in my life don't give a fuck.
Speaker 1 (43:45):
They're just in their own little world.
Speaker 3 (43:47):
By I think libras can be people pleasers, Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (43:53):
Yes, yes, enough libras to be honest. Remember, I always
call them like they're kind of like the boring sign
for me in the zodiac.
Speaker 1 (43:58):
I don't know, there's nothing.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
I feel like I can say super toxic things about
every every sign like in the zodiac, I can give
you the personality traits, I can give you good stuff.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
Libra, I'm like, so you.
Speaker 2 (44:10):
Can't make up your mind for what you wanted for dinner.
You can't make up your mind if you want to
stay or be with someone. Well, if try talking to
a Scorpio who's out here gonna point and they're gonna
poison your dog for sucking them over, Like, try talking
about Virgo, who's gonna.
Speaker 1 (44:22):
You know what I mean? Like, Libra, I'm like, they're
the they're the boring villains. And in the villain universe.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Wow, if we were in Gotham right and you were like.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
Coming out of the sewer.
Speaker 3 (44:45):
The sewer, we're coming out of a and of like
a meteor into okay, what what what's that in the sky,
And it's just like a big ball of like a
big flame all the fire. And then it's like me, hey, guys,
I didn't know that I was on fire this time.
(45:06):
And then I come down and then I'm like I
rest and I'm like, hey, what are we doing?
Speaker 1 (45:12):
Exactly?
Speaker 2 (45:12):
I think about Geminis right, like how cool would that
villain Gemini be?
Speaker 1 (45:16):
How cool would Virgo be? Pisco Libra, what the fuck
are they going to do?
Speaker 3 (45:19):
Have we done astrological superheroes?
Speaker 4 (45:23):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (45:23):
What our adhd?
Speaker 1 (45:28):
What are they gonna do? Clap somebody the head with
the scale?
Speaker 3 (45:31):
Have they done astrological superheroes? Our adhd? These past couple
of days has been like wild.
Speaker 2 (45:42):
I don't know if you could tell, but the first
half of this podcast my brain was like, you're waking up.
Speaker 3 (45:48):
Now you're awake.
Speaker 4 (45:51):
Now the stars are bright le shining.
Speaker 1 (45:54):
Anyways, whatever Libra work hard at being more toxic. You
bore me.
Speaker 3 (45:58):
Oh my god, No, you can't do libras like that,
the low frequency libres you identify it.
Speaker 2 (46:04):
The traits are boring. I just want them to be
more toxic. If they're going to be in this conversation.
Speaker 3 (46:08):
You know what. The only the only libras I've experienced,
I've lived with two. One of them was my roommate's
girlfriend who would was like so she would talk shit
behind people's backs and then like she just wasn't. I'm like,
say that ship with your fucking chest, girl, That's what
I That's what I say for libras who don't feel
(46:29):
like they have a voice yet.
Speaker 1 (46:31):
Pease.
Speaker 3 (46:33):
And that concludes the astrology portion.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
Jeses Maya, how do you plead about people pleasing?
Speaker 1 (46:40):
Are you? Are you not? Pleasease?
Speaker 3 (46:42):
Please? Please don't prove I'm wrong, and please, please please.
Speaker 1 (46:51):
Don't that song?
Speaker 3 (46:53):
Can I finish?
Speaker 2 (46:55):
My friend mish as you know me, she showed me
that song. She showed it to me, and I thought
Sabrina Carpenter was an indie artist. I was like, oh
my god, it's so cute. I thought she's an indie artist.
I thought she was like, no one's going to know this,
no one's going to know this song. And Sabrina Carpenter
being a coverter.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
Well, my advice for people who are people pleasers, the
whole thing is you're giving your power away to other people,
No matter what. I think it comes down to coming
back to yourself and thinking, am I doing this genuinely
out of like because I love this person I would
(47:38):
do anything for them? Or am I doing this to
gain something? Am I doing this and there's something wrong
with that either? You know, we all have to get
We all have to you know, do our our due diligence,
We all have to paaradues. Yes, but is this you
know when it feels toxic and you know when it
feels like you're compromising yourself. So yeah, yeah, I would
(48:00):
ask chat GBT, am I people pleaser? And see what
it says. What were you?
Speaker 1 (48:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (48:05):
I feel like, you know, if you're a people pleaser,
just be mindful. I think we all are. I think
people pleasing lives on a spectrum, and some people do
it more than others. I think that acknowledging what your intentions,
just like you said, are for your are what are
your reasons for wanting to not rock the boat? Are
you compromising your own individuality, your own boundaries, your own safety,
(48:27):
and are you compromising the individuality and the safety of
others around you? You know, like does that bleed over
into your kids? Does it bleed over into your relationships.
Like just the more that you gain your own self
confidence with yourself, I think the better it will be,
so that you can just be better at boundaries. At
the end of the day, I think this is just
a conversation about boundaries, So go on, boundary queen.
Speaker 3 (48:51):
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of
The Super Secret Bestie Club Podcast. Curly, How can I
find you on social media?
Speaker 2 (48:57):
You can find me at the Curly v Show on
Instagram and TikTok Maya Where can people find you on
social media?
Speaker 3 (49:03):
You can find me at Maya in the Moment, m
a y A in the Moment, wherever you scroll. Please
please please, I'm begging you, please, megastar Okay Bye. Make
sure to hit that subscribe button to hear more episodes
(49:23):
every single week. The Super Secret Bestie Club Podcast is
a production of Sonodo in partnership with iHeartRadio's Michael Tha
podcast Network.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple
Podcast
Speaker 1 (49:36):
Or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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