Toxic People

On this episode, Curly and Maya discuss being toxic, toxic people and toxic behaviors - but not the Britney Spears song.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, what are you doing here? What's the password? What?
There's no such thing as a perfect victim, and you
too could potentially be toxic. How did you know get
in here? My name is Grily and I'm Maya and
welcome to the Super Secret Best Club podcast, a super
secret club where we talk about super secret things, super

(00:22):
secret more time. In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendships, heartbreaks, men,
and of course our favorite secrets. Today we are going
to be talking about our ugly side, our shadow. So
the ugly, the way that we look in the morning,

(00:43):
when you roll out a bit and look in the
little crusty well. More so what you say after you
wake up? What happens when you're the toxic one? What's
a toxic person to you? It's somebody who kind of
makes you feel question noble, like you're excited about something,
and they may they kind of have a different reaction

(01:05):
than the norm, or they say something to kind of
throw you off, but in its borderline manipulative too. But
it's more so the person who just fills up the
entire room with negativity and toxicity and you can feel it.
It's it's like a feeling, right absolutely, I feel like
For me, it's two things. It's people that make you.

(01:26):
When you leave them, you feel a little drained, Like
you're like, I feel like I just like how to
work out and didn' drink water, or it's like somebody
who This might only apply to people who are into
an all sex, but like it feels like somebody just
put in your butt without any lube and you're just like,
no lube, not even a little spit. It grows. You're

(01:46):
not putting that in there. Bleep that whole entire sentence,
August is real sex sleep at all that I draw
the line it spit you didn't even kiss me first? Anyways.
I feel like, is it safe to say that, if
you are alive and a human being, you have at

(02:10):
some point displayed toxic traits to other people in your life.
I would say it's very safe to say that. One
of the big life lessons that I've learned during this
time of COVID is that there really is no perfect victim.
And while you can look at other people and be
like they're toxic, they suck, at what point do you
start to look at yourself and be like WHOA? I
too can also display toxic traits and yeah, I don't

(02:33):
trust anyone who's like everyone around me is toxic, you
are probably also toxic. Absolutely, And one of the things
that I kind of do to recognize my own toxicity,
if you will, is to recognize what is a trauma
response of mine, Like what are triggers. Sometimes I won't
notice that I'm being toxic because I'm just so within

(02:56):
my own trauma and my own trauma responses, right. So,
Like one of the examples, one of the things, like
we were talking about earlier, is there is a box
that we have to pack, and Maya was like, I
don't want to. I don't want to pack this box,
and it it really triggered some of her own emotions
and so she kind of have had a little bit

(03:16):
of a trauma response. And I feel like for me,
I knew it and I didn't really hold it against her.
But I could have ran with it and been like,
oh my god, she's freaking out about packing a box.
She's being toxic, and then I'm letting it affect my
own energy. But we had a conversation and we understood
that it was more of like a trauma response, like
I've had to all my life. I love my parents.

(03:37):
This is just what we had to do. We had
to pack a lot of orders for art stuff. And
I grew up my entire life having to pack boxes
and having and it just like kind of it's not
me being lazy. It's more so of like it brought
me back into the I have to pack this, like
let's go, let's do this like as a child, you know,
small example, but it can go into other things, Like

(03:58):
it can go into like, you know, somebody telling you
to do something at work, and what's your trauma response
to that. Maybe you don't do well with people commanding
you or telling you what to do in a certain
type of way. Maybe it triggers certain things like maybe
a smell or maybe anything can really cause you to
have a trauma response and a trigger. So like, how
are you reacting back to that and recognizing that, oh

(04:19):
that turns you into a toxic person? Yeah, because you
get a little bit irritable and not saying like what
I My response was like super toxic. I was just
like being you know, it's it's like basically what we're
trying to say is like you never know if somebody
is being toxic because they have unhealed trauma. Right, do
you have any moments where you felt like you were

(04:41):
being a toxic personmare? Oh, where do I start? Yeah,
definitely about the unhealed trauma. I think it's all due
to that, and a lot of us have that. Not
that that is excusable, but it's very valuable to acknowledge
when you are a little bit unhealed. It's okay to
have that. In the past, before I've gone to therapy

(05:02):
and started my healing journey, I've known to be passive aggressive,
which has made me enable to communicate when something has
upset me. So I'll just hold it in and maybe
be a little cheesmosa about it and not say anything
until it blows up bigger. But passive aggressive is definitely

(05:24):
a toxic trait where I mean, you know what passive
aggressive is, Like, yeah, I was going to ask you,
can you just say you just say like Snyde comments
like well I wish I could do that, or like
I don't have time for that. Must be nice little
things where it's just like okay, like you obviously have
an issue but you're not saying it, but you're trying

(05:45):
to hurt them anyway and hoping they will say so
I don't know, it's it's just I just had an
inability to communicate those things and would process it through
passive aggressiveness. Another toxic traits. Another couple of toxic traits
that I would have. I think I definitely like take

(06:05):
up a lot of space when I'm going through something
and don't acknowledge that maybe the other person doesn't have
space for some of the things I want to bring up,
Like you always have to check in with with people,
and I feel like that could be toxic because you're
just kind of like taking up space. I don't know
how else to describe it. It's like self involved and
it's just like me me me, me, me, me, me
me me, and you don't really like I'm not saying

(06:26):
this is what you do, but I'm just saying, like
you don't acknowledge the other people in your life or
in the room and kind of acknowledging where they are
and their journey and where they're at with their energy
and where they are with their heart and their spirit
in the moment. I feel like for me, my toxic
traits show up and in therapy as well. But I
have a lot of self criticism that I'm constantly working

(06:47):
on myself and trying to be the best version of myself. Right,
And I think that I've noticed that my toxicity shows
up in actual, like romantic relationships. And there's two parts
of this thing that I will say that I tend
to leave relationships when I recognize that I cannot work
through this toxic trait. And I have to leave because

(07:07):
I don't want to be toxic or traumatizing to somebody
that I actually love, right, and I and I recognize it.
So you know, with one partner, um, I recognized that
I was getting a little competitive, and I was like,
you know what, I don't want to be competitive with you.
I don't want to compete with you. I want to

(07:28):
celebrate you and love you. And I don't want to
live in a space where we're one upping one another.
And if I can't do that, if I can't work
through that, um inside, why this is before I could
actually afford therapy, I think I have to remove myself.
I have to leave because I really believe that your
partner and people in your life should be your cheerleaders
and not necessarily kiss your ass, but they should be

(07:50):
in a space where they're like you know what they
that's fantastic. And I think once I started to cross
over into why wasn't that me and why can't that
be me? And why can't I have those opportunities, I
no longer am being a value or on the good
side for both myself and you, and so I have
to remove myself. I think being in relationships will definitely

(08:12):
give you a fast track onto like what you're toxic.
If we're talking about relationships, I would not take the
hint like any red flags or like anything of that sort.
I would be like, oh, no, I don't think so.
And then when they would kind of give me the
signal that they don't want to be with me or something,
I would be passive aggressive and I would be like, oh, well,

(08:34):
are you sure? And that's like so toxic because yes,
they're sure. They're not talking to you like they're not.
It's just relationships are hard, yes, yeah. And I think
that for me, part of the ways that I have
been able to kind of deal with not only myself
but others um is the whole conversation of accountability, like

(08:58):
how do you truly hold yourself accountable for the energy
that you are responsible for? And then you know, move
into the space of Okay, let me look at other
people's energy as well. How do you go? And we
kind of did this earlier, like we laid our cards
out on the table of kind of this sort of
way that we were feeling about some things that were happening,
and we kind of stay to the fact with where

(09:20):
we were at with our own emotions. And then we
were like, oh, how can I hold myself accountable for
how my own insecurities and my own emotion And this
is me speaking for me right now. I like how
my own insecurities and my own emotions made me feel
some sort of way, and how that really had nothing
to do with you. It had every bit to do
with me and where I was at in the moment

(09:41):
and what I was wanting from you but didn't get
And so it kind of snowballed. And that's kind of
the thing too, like how do you understand that you
don't want things to snowball? You want to be open
right away? In our conversation that we had before this,
which is very funny that we we ended up having one,
we're going to be like, oh God, it's gonna be

(10:03):
like it's gonna be like nothing. When I try to
take responsibility for things and try to notice where I
hurt in the situation, I have to make sure like
we are crystal clear on like, okay, me not doing
this or me doing this made you feel this way correct?
And if they say yes or no, then I'm like, Okay,

(10:23):
now I know that that me saying that thing or
not saying whatever it is like has an effect on people,
because if it's not laid out for me, then I
don't know what I'm doing. And like everyone like, no
one's a mind reader. Yeah, and that's what I said
to you. I'm like, I can't read your mind. Also
goes back to the trauma responses too, but it's also

(10:44):
like I think I liked the way our conversation ended
because we were you know, we reassured each other. I
will make sure to do X, Y and Z. And also, yes,
we are married and we have been married for fifty years,
so this these are like conversations that I feel like
couples have, yes, and just like people, any sort of

(11:04):
relation that you have in your life, like whether it's
a friendship or a romantic one, conversations are so important
and I think that it kind of goes down into
really taking a step back right and like really looking.
It's like shining a light on your ego and being like,
oh ship and your pride and showing how you have

(11:27):
a tendency to be toxic, because I think we view
toxicity as a stereotypical like you're mean, You're a mean
girl and supportive and then that's the end all, be
all period and no one wants to be around you.
We could just view it as like we have toxic
traits and we are able to grow from that. But

(11:47):
you have to be open to accept that and also
be open to accept that you have the ability to
hurt someone and take responsibility and accountability for that and
apologize and not like apologies or everything, but at least
you shouldn't rely on apologies to start your healing. Um.
But I think there's two sides to every story, and

(12:09):
you have to recognize your part in it, like no
one is the full on villain and no one is
the victim. Like you both have done some stuff and
if only one person is taking responsibility for that and
the other person isn't, there's just such an imbalance. Yeah,
and it goes back to things as well, just like,
how do you look at yourself? I think that's step

(12:30):
number one. I think if you can look at yourself
and look at other people's toxic traits and see how
you two can actually replicate that. Like you know we
were talking about, sometimes your friends or your family, they
kind of inform what you think is socially acceptable, what
you think is okay. So like not communicating or yelling

(12:50):
or being cut throat, being negative, or even being a
chiefs mosa or chie moss, like that is a form
of toxicity that you might think is okay because maybe
you saw people in your life, like you know, do it,
or maybe you think it's okay to talk a certain
type of way, but it's actually not okay. It's a
short sight in communication and it's just bad vibes all around. Yeah,

(13:15):
And also like who are you to be Like, I
have never been toxic my entire life. I am perfect.
I don't like it when people are like, I don't
regret anything I've done in that situation. I can't stand
people who say I have no regrets really, or do
you not have any regrets when literally, like multiple people
are hurt by the actions you've done, Like that's an

(13:37):
issue that just does not fly with me, and I
almost cried today when we had our thinks. I'm like,
the thought of knowing that I made anyone feel less
than supportive is like devastating to me, just because I
feel so much and for a person to not feel
that way is like, I just can't imagine that. And
I just think, why are you acting like your ship

(13:59):
don't stink? Everyone's been smelling your ship. Also, like, I
don't understand people who are like no regrets because I
literally will say something to somebody in a meeting and
by four thirty that afternoon and I'm like, oh, I
shouldn't have said that, Like I live in regret. I'm
a virgo. I literally am like, did I really say
that to somebody? Did I really make that joke? Oh
my god, I can't believe I talked about anal sex
and spit. But here what you talked about it for

(14:20):
the second time episode. How do you determine a good
friend or somebody who isn't toxic in your life? For
how do you kind of make sure that you're better
at not being toxic? I feel like for me, it

(14:41):
always goes back to the thing that I always quote right,
which is like my angele like nothing human. I am human,
therefore nothing human can be alien to me, right. And
so it just goes back to me being able to
look at a person and understand what is my energy
and what is their energy. And I think that's like
one of the best things that I can do with

(15:02):
everybody in my life, because if there's somebody in my
life who keeps putting all of their energy on me,
every time that I'm with them, they're just putting all
their stuff on me, whether it's like just being oh
my gosh, like we're always talking about your problems. I
never laugh, I never do it. That That's how I'm
like theory that I look for one more time, wow, okay,

(15:27):
love that I look for people who are self aware
and if they're able to catch themselves on certain things
or acknowledge like, oh, I'm sorry, I've been talking about
this for so long and not being like, uh, super
hyper aware where you're like, am I talking too much?
Or am I taking up too much space? Just like

(15:47):
kind of getting a sense of, you know, when to
share these moments and when not to. And I think
when people don't have that self awareness and are just
talking about their problems, Like I've been around those people
before and it's been so draining to where I haven't
even gotten time to share what I've been going through

(16:09):
because you've been taking up all the space. Like and
I don't even think this person meant to be toxic
or knew that they were, but they just did it.
And the fact that they just went un ignorant, like
they just didn't even think anything about it and just
kept doing it is like super toxic to me. And
maybe it was a little toxic of me to not
bring it up or share that and just let it continue.

(16:31):
Now I know the signs of all that stuff, but
I think I look for self awareness, like self awareness
and you know, our new favorite word not new, but
I would say, like a word that we love is boundary.
Boundaries for the boundaries. Give it up for the boundaries.

(16:52):
Give it up for the boundaries. Give it up for
the boundaries. Okay, yes, I feel like boundaries. Look, what
are your boundaries as far as your own emotional capacity,
because if people just come into your life and you're like,
I just do not have the capacity to deal with
your energy and what's going on with you at your
job or your man or I gotta go, and you

(17:14):
can't be happy for me when I talk about my ship.
It's just a whole another thing, and you it is
okay to be like I'm gonna go back in the show. Yeah,
at a certain point, like I've gotten there where I'm like,
you know what, I can't keep explaining to you why
it's upsetting to me that you can't respect my boundaries

(17:36):
and you're mad at me for how long my processing
is in that time. I do not have the emotional
bandwidth to explain to you or to fix this because
it's a repeated thing. So I'm just gonna walk away.
And in this situation I'm talking about, like I wrote
it all out, like I think I sent you that
message for this situation curly with like this other person.

(17:59):
It was long, it was a novel, but I laid
it all out and I was like, these are the reasons,
and I'm sorry, like I'm not going to come back
to this thing because it's just it's not it, Like
it is not worth it anymore because you cannot accept
your own toxic traits, like it can't just be all
on one person, Like that's so exhausting if you live

(18:20):
in a world with me, me me, me, me, me me,
I'm gonna do this like you. That was, by the way, Wait,
that was not sped up. That was clearly that was
in real time. Oh my god, I talked so bad. Yeah,
and you're like, in that world, you're probably like a
toxic person. And it's fine. Everybody has a level of toxicity, right,

(18:42):
I mean it's not fine, but it's like a thing
of how do you work on that? How do you
make sure that Look, you know, I don't know if
you believe in reincarnation or all that other stuff where
you're like, I'm good that and you come back to
learn the life lessons that you didn't learn in this life.
I'm not trying to come back, like I want to
go up there and hang out in heaven play my
heart all day, you know. So I'm like, how can
you break all of these different cycles? What are some

(19:03):
things that you could do? Might eat that well, get
a therapist. I think every single episode we like, you know,
just share you need to get it there. Your friends
are not your therapists, yeah, and your family members and
all that stuff like on and I know having therapy

(19:24):
and that that stuff should not be like a privilege,
like it should be accessible to everyone when you have
it and are able to get it. It's gonna be
a little bit difficult in the beginning because you're going
to be like what, I don't know you why I
got to tell you all the things that I'm sad about,
Like what once you break down those walls and then

(19:45):
get into your own toxic trades, oh, it's just so
much better because then you realize, oh, nobody is perfect, yes, nobody.
I also feel therapy is a thing of privilege, and
we always acknowledge that as well, and we always talk
about how there are resources out there that can help
people who are dealing with different economic situations. But one

(20:06):
of the things that I actually do do to become
a little bit more introspective and understanding of my own
I don't want say carbon footprint, but spiritual footprint, if
you will. That is meditation, and it's also listening to
different things podcasts, self help stuff, things that are make
you go like huh, oh my god, I do that.
Oh my god, I've displayed those sorts of things too,

(20:27):
And also the need and the desire to want to
be better, like how can you know what I do too,
and I feel like you do this too. I disappear,
I will disappear. I will tell you first of all,
like I need some space. If you are cool and
can respect that space, and however long that takes, amazing,

(20:48):
I love you because I need time to separate myself
from the situation to really filter out what was me
and what can I admit too, and then what also
made me feel uncomfortable that they said, and what also
outside influences are affecting this friendship or relationship. I really

(21:10):
need to sit with myself and maybe it's like my
own sort of meditation, but I think you really should
try that, to just listen to what is actually you.
And then when I feel like I had that time
and space to come back to myself, I can come
back to that person and be like, hey, now I'm
ready to talk about this because I'm not raging mad

(21:33):
or I'm not super triggered by something else. Here are
the facts now that we've cleared the air. And if
you don't give somebody that time and space, like you're
just entering your disrespecting their boundaries and entering their space,
Like are you ready? Are you done yet? Doing people space?
It's like because you do. It's like, how can I
help Misa accountable? How can I hold you accountable? How
can I understand the situation at large? And how can

(21:55):
we just get through this? Everybody at the end of
the day just wants to get there with like that's
all we want, you know, which brings us to our
segment of the week. Oh sorry, well okay, So Curly
has this new segment he wants to introduce, and I
want to specify this was Curly's creation, so go ahead

(22:15):
take it away. So basically every week or I'll be like,
you know, oh my god, maa, this made my puss
quipper And then it just became do you know what
gives me for quibs? So here is the week's for quips.
Feel free to use it in your daily life. Use
it in the office, use it in the summer, use
it during supper time when the quips is on a bagel.
You can have the clips anytime. Curly, what gave you

(22:36):
aquip this week? You know what? Self aware people give
me major quis I mean catastrophic seven point oh the
big one California earthquake. Because I feel like people who
are self aware, who can understand who can communicate really well,
who can be like, you know what, Oh my god,

(22:58):
let's talk, let's this is how i'd be. This is
oh my god, you felt that way. I didn't mean that, Like,
h get up in these goods. Okay? What made my
what made me? I'm sure I'm struggling a little bit.
You guys, what made you? Maybe quib quibb? What made

(23:18):
you pique? I like, peek, I'm gonna say, oh my god,
I'm not drunk, I promise. Okay. That's what makes my
p Q is when people leave me alone and they
don't take it personal, Like when I say that, like
I'm kind of going through something right now and I
need some time, and they're like, no problem, I'll be

(23:39):
here when you get back. And then when you when
they are there when you get back, and they like,
aren't mad at you because of how long it took.
I love that explodes. It explodes, explosion. It's dripping down
the walls, seeping into the wall paper. Yes, I didn't
know yours has glittering it. Welcome to the astrology portion

(24:15):
of this podcast. Today, we're gonna be talking about how
our own signs can be toxic, which I know is
so crazy to think about because virgos and arias are perfect.
So this is going to be a struggle for yes,
even though many of you on my socials actually agree
that virgos tend to be very toxic. That was me.

(24:37):
That was I started multiple different part I started multiple
different profiles just to say that the silence of using
I agree, and then the silence that followed from me
not knowing what. Well, we'll explain yourself, how can your
sign be toxic? Well, I feel like for me, virgo's Look,
here's the thing. We are at the little self loathing

(24:58):
and we're self critical. So when we do that, we
can kind of do it to others because we're like, man,
I really wish that I could do this, So let
me work on it and get better, and we'll look
at somebody else and be like, why can't they do that?
Why can't they be on the same level, or why
can't they do this? And that could be really toxic
because we're so hard on ourselves that we forget that's

(25:18):
not anyone else's problem but our own. So you would
say you put unrealistic expectations on yourself and on others.
I wouldn't call them unrealistic because I'm like, I knew
you know, there you go there un doing it again?
You know, well if I do it, Like literally today
I was like, if Jlo does it, so can I.
And you're like, but you're not like Jlo has it.

(25:38):
Like when they say you have enough, you have the
same hours that Beyonce does in a day, but you
also don't have a team of people doing things for you.
But also another virgo true, but she also has a team.
I don't have a team of me myself and that
in the end, that's a fiance song. You probably didn't

(26:01):
know that because you're a fake fan. Anyway, Let's talk
about aries. Hay are He's always starting, but I let
you start first, so that's your present anyway. Um, I
don't know how I'm toxic. I don't know how the
aries trade. I don't know how the area's sign is toxic.

(26:22):
Um because we're perfect and people are not like I
just yeah, I don't really know. The only thing that
I was in the areas can be toxic about is
to themselves sometimes. Okay, So I was joking before, and
we're not perfect. We are the first sign, so we're
like the child. Okay, we're like, we're like the very

(26:44):
young spirit. So with that, we have a lot of
emotions that are like we have to experience them right now,
and they're very intense and they take up a lot
of space. And I feel like a lot of unhealed
or low vibrational as can be very very aggressive in
how they talk, like confrontational, not reading the room, um,

(27:09):
you know, and and very impulsive in the way they judgmental. Yeah,
and in the way they communicate very very very judgmental.
That's too many berries and we judgmental. But on the
other hand, we don't just want to talk about the negatives.

(27:31):
We can also be the opposite of toxic. And when
we are a little more like higher vibrational and a
little more into our healing journey, we can be healthy
and not toxic. Yeah, I feel like the virgo because
we're so introspective, we can recognize when we're doing something
and we're like, huh, let me take a step back

(27:52):
and do better. As far as aries like, we're very real,
but we're not, at least me. I'm not mean about
it like I can. Your silence is definitely literally I
feel like you could hear my eyebrows scrunch up on
my forehead, like and my eyes widen about it. I
don't know if you could hear my eyeballs falling out

(28:14):
of my skull. I don't think that you have to
say stuff to be mean. I think it could be
the silence. You think. It could just be more silent.
The silence could also be mean. True. I'm trying to
think of the positive qualities. We're thinking about positive suff aries,

(28:35):
positive stuff with aries. I think that the passion that
oftentimes is a little bit like overwhelming can also be
helpful for others because the passion can be like passionate
about helping others or allowing people to also see the
glory within themselves. Okay, I found one We're Loyal that concludes, well,

(29:00):
may seems like we've reached the end of this episode.
How do you plead like this? Please don't please acknowledge
when you're being toxic? Yes, same for the sake of
yourself and others. Acknowledge your own toxicity before you go
pointing the finger at other people about how they're toxic.
But also when you do confront other toxic people. Such boundaries,

(29:21):
such a boundaries Shelby. That's a Steel Magnolia's joke reference
in case you know I didn't know. What I'm doing
is supporting you, starrying, Sally Field and Julia Roberts, who,
by the way, I think about all the time. I
love Julia Roberts. All right, well, thank you everyone for
listening to this episode. Curly, Where can they find you

(29:42):
on social media? You can totally find me on social media,
which I highly recommend on Instagram and TikTok at the
Curly b Show be as an victor, and you can
find me at my in the Moment m A y
A in the Moment on all social media platforms. Thank
you guys so much for listening, and if you have
any suggestions on future episodes, hit us up. Yes, and

(30:03):
I'm also still very single, so feel great to send by.
The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast is a production of
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