April 28, 2025 • 21 mins
In this video, we explore effective ways to communicate your feelings and challenges, especially when dealing with the trauma of Narcissistic Abuse, or you have a loved one who is suffering from this type of relationship. Learn practical tips to foster understanding, set boundaries, and share your journey with those who care about you. Whether you're seeking support or simply want to be heard, this Podcast offers compassionate advice to help you express yourself authentically. We hope you enjoy it!
Don’t miss out on this important information that can help you take control of your life and health.
Private FB group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thev2w
Melissa call link: https://thev2w.com/personalized-support/ 8-week Life Transformation Method: https://thev2w.com/life-transformatio...
Website: www.thev2w.com 12 Critical Steps to Take Before You Leave webinar: https://thev2w.com/webinars/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We go to his son's baseball game. He pulls out a.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Container strawberries chocolate covered, and he proceeds to dip the
strawberries in whip cream and wants to handfeed me. His
ex wife is just looking at me, and at the
time I did not realize she was actually feeling sorry
for me because she knows exactly what I was going through.
(00:27):
But how do you explain this person who has done
this romantic gesture is a monster at all.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Welcome to the Victim to Warriors Show Warrior Talk.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
We're John and Melissa, and we are both narcissistic abuse
survivors and our mission is to help other survivors reclaim
and rebuild their lives.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
So today we're going to be talking about how do
I explain to my friends and family what I'm going through?
Speaker 2 (01:05):
I mean, how do you explain narcissistic abuse to people
who've never.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Gone through it?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Because we all know are narcissists as totally different at
home than they do in public. So it is very
difficult to explain to people when they only see that facade.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Of appropris the facade, the person, the mask that we
fell for at the beginning. That's what they see.
Speaker 4 (01:30):
So when we're trying to explain to them what we're
going through, they don't see that. They only see this
person who they're pretending to be. So let's share a
little story about Melissa. Okay, just so we understand what
these narcissistic people do to kind of fake our friends
and family out about what we're going through.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
So let's let's share the strawberry story.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Dabe, Oh my god, Okay, I am going through literal
hell at home.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I mean I am terrified.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I mean it is psychological, emotional, verbal.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Financial, physical. I am literally holding on by a thread.
But I don't know what to do yet.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
So we go to his son's baseball game, son from
his previous marriage, and we're in the stands Now, we're
talking about kids, you know, they're like ten and eleven,
twelve years old. His ex wife is there as well.
He pulls out a container of strawberries, chocolate covered sta
(02:38):
We're in the stand, chocolate covered strawberries and whipped cream,
and he proceeds to dip the strawberries and whipped cream
and wants to hand feed me. Now I'm totally caught
off guard, and I am literally about to throw up.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
In my mouth.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Okay, but I'm what am I supposed to do? So
I'm sitting there eating these strawberries. His ex wife is
just looking at me, and at the time I did
not realize she was actually feeling sorry for me because
she knows exactly what I was going through. But how
do you explain this person who has done this romantic
(03:15):
gesture is a monster at hand?
Speaker 3 (03:17):
He seems so romantic, he seems so perfect for you.
Have you ever heard that before? How could how could
you say those things about him? He seems so perfect?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Yeah? Or if it's so bad, why don't you just leave?
I mean, it can't be that bad, or you.
Speaker 4 (03:32):
Would leave right right, right, So let's talk about those
things because I think either we're in it right now
where we're struggling with how to share this information with
our friends and family. We need support, right, So we
need to we need to be able to share with
others and people.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Explain it so they understand that who they see on
the outside is not who you see right unfortunately when
you're home, right, And so we've had many clients who
have asked me this question. It's like I don't even
know how to explain it. So I just I just
don't say anything. I don't want to talk to anybody
because people have said, well, if it's so badly or really,
(04:15):
I think you're exaggerating, maybe you're just insecure. So it
bounces back on the actual victim, who then isolates self isolates.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
Yeah, and that's exactly what the narcissist wants. Oh, he
doesn't want you to get support from friends and family,
so he wants you to isolate yourself because it's very,
very uncomfortable to try to explain to others when they're
seeing someone completely different who than you're dealing with at.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Home, right exactly. So honestly, I actually created.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
A document for my clients and I want to share
it with you, So we're going to put it in
the link below, so make sure you.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Grab a copy of it. Whether you're a victim still
in it, still trying to.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Wrap your head around what in the world is going on,
or maybe you want to leave, or you're in the
middle of a hillacious divorce, or you're on the outside
but you're still stuck, you're still being triggered, you're still
isolating because you'd rather ignore it than have to try
to explain it.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
So that's the reason that I created this. So so let's
talk about it.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
Okay, let's talk about a couple of things that we
can do, ways that we can explain to.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
Now, who do we want to really try to confide in?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
Is there a way to decide, because you know, we
might have lots of friends and family that we could
confide in, But but how do we decide the best
person to really if we're going to take one person.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
It's got to be somebody you trust.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
It's got to be somebody that you trust, that you love,
who loves you, who's supported you along the way, who
reached out to you when you started isolating yourself or
maybe you were being forced to isolate by your abuser.
Speaker 4 (06:00):
You want to make sure that it's not someone that's
friends with your narcissist either, like we call it a
flying monkey. Yeah, with someone that could go back and say, oh,
you know this person's talking about your whatever right now.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
Don't want that. You want someone this is.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Someone on your side that you need their support, but
you need them to help you along this journey.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Because it is so so difficult to do it alone.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
I know both John and I didn't have that Olive branch.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
It was. It was embarrassing for John to try to
explain it to other guys.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
I didn't when I was in the middle of the
smear campaign. Oh, I didn't even know.
Speaker 4 (06:37):
She was telling everybody that I trusted and that everybody
that I loved that I was physically abusing her.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
So they were withdrawing from right right right.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
You know, So being able to reach out to people
that you trust and love and share things. And if
you're a victim and you're in it or trying to
get out of it, or you're on the other side
and you are still struggling, or maybe you are one
of those loved ones, you are one of those friends
and you see it happening, you just don't know what
(07:09):
exactly is going on or what to do. So we're
talking to both of you, and that document it contains.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Both parts of this.
Speaker 4 (07:16):
So let's talk about if you're in it right now,
so how would you how would you get the process started.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Well describing it to people that care about you. A
narcissistic abuse.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Most of the time doesn't evolve physical violence.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
It did, it doesn't in cases, believe me, but the
marks are not visible. It's psychological it's emotional, it is
so trauma, it's financially so it's not always visible. So
you need to describe what you if you're the victim,
what you are going through, or what you went through?
Speaker 1 (07:53):
What was it? Was it all of them like it
was for me? Or was it the emotional?
Speaker 2 (08:00):
This psychological just demeaning you, tearing down your self esteem,
making you feel worthless. You need to be able to
identify what it is that you are feeling to describe
it to someone else. So if it is psychological or emotional,
I mean that involves gaslighting, emotional manipulation, devaluation, love bombing,
(08:23):
and deprivation, alternating between the two to totally keep you
off balance. It erodes your self worth, it really does.
And so when people used to see me as this
confident business woman, I didn't feel that anymore. I felt
very insecure. I felt like I was faking my way
(08:43):
through life. So for me to be able to tell someone, no,
I'm not that person anymore.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
How would I even do that?
Speaker 3 (08:49):
Well, you actually self isolated? Didn't?
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:52):
I did because I didn't want to have to describe it.
I didn't want people to know that my personal life
was crumbling and I didn't even know why I thought
I was.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Married to, like doctor Jeckel and mister Hyde.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
How do you explain that to somebody that is it's
impossible this will help you. Like you just said, isolation
is common. You want to avoid, you want to avoid
talking about it. Maybe you're scared to talk about it,
Maybe you are fat, you're fearing that your narcissist might
find out about it. That's why you've got to make
sure that it's somebody that you trust definitely, you know.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
And I think what you might find out is if,
especially if it's someone you trust and knew before the relationship.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
I think that's kind of important too.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Yeah, you know, if that person might say, you know
what I thought, somebody might be wrong and then all
of a sudden you have a confidant someone that you
can really talk to you but you'll never know unless
you extend that all branches.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Absolutely, you just don't want to go through this alone. Seriously,
And that example you just gave is exactly what one
of my best friends said to me.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
It's like, you know what, I knew something was wrong.
I didn't know what it was. I didn't want to pry.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
You know, people don't want to be Some people want
to be nosy, but most people don't want to dig
into your business, and if you don't offer it, they're
going to stop asking you. So being able to actually
articulate it will help you explain it to someone who's
not gone through this, who only sees that facade of
a person educating themselves that narcissistic abuse will really help them.
(10:25):
And so that's kind of what this document does. It
lets you know how to describe it. And it also
so if you are someone that cares about somebody and
you know something's wrong, or you are a victim and
you need help, you just don't know how to ask
for help. This also lets you know how to support
(10:46):
that loved one.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Okay, we believe and validate their experience.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Well, well let's talk about that. Let's talk about if
you're on the outside yep. Okay.
Speaker 4 (10:54):
Let's say your daughter or your son is involved with
a narcissist guy and you know something's wrong, but you
just don't know what to do. Or you're a sibling
and your brother sister is dealing with a narcissist and
you can see it, you know it, maybe you have
experience with it.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
And they don't and you see it. So how do
we help those people?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Well, the one important thing is believe and validate their experience.
You don't know what they're going through at home. So
when they're coming out and trying to explain it, validate it,
believe it.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Tell them that they don't deserve to be treated that way.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Don't try to justify it or challenge them on whether
or not what they're saying is true. Offer non judgmental listening.
Ear allow them to get it out. It's shameful, it's embarrassing,
it's frightening, it's.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Hard to talk about it. Just listen to them, let
them tell their story.
Speaker 4 (11:55):
And I love that you say non judgmental because you know,
a lot of time a victim does not want to hear.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Well, if it's so bad, why don't you just leave?
Speaker 4 (12:05):
You know, victims last we've heard that before, and a
lot of times we can't leave at that moment. We
just need to talk to somebody and have someone to
bounce things off of and to talk about and to
trust that what we talk about is going to stay
between us and.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
They're not dealing with it right.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Well, even if you're not ready to leave, you still
need someone to talk to because you know something's terribly wrong.
You know things are not the way that you thought
they were going to be. This is not the person
that you fell in.
Speaker 4 (12:39):
Right, And you know the thing is, if we're on
the outside and we're a good listener and we just
absorb what this person is telling us instead of being
judgmental and offering maybe some ideas of things that can
help them, it will give them strength to hopefully leave
in the future. And that that's I think someone outside,
(13:00):
that's what we.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Want, well and help and being non judgmental also means
not telling the victim that their partner is an abusive
person and that they should leave, or that they're a narcissist.
Sometimes the victim's not ready to hear that and they
are already struggling on the inside of that relationship. So
(13:25):
they might even go back to their abuser and say, hey,
my friend said that that you seem like you're a
narcissist because you do this, that and the other.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
First of all, you become the enemy of the narcissists.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
So they are going to try everything in their power
to isolate the victim from you.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
So's it's not up.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
To you to try to convince them their partner is
this horrible, abusive monster. They probably know it in the
back of their mind, but until they're ready to accept it,
you pushing that on them is only get or make
the abuser pull them away from you. So you have
to just educate yourself on what it is, talk to them,
(14:11):
listen to them without telling them what to do.
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Yeah, that's a huge point, especially if you've experienced it
yourself and you pretty much know what's going on, especially
earlier on it's it's probably better just to listen and
just to be just to be a good encouraging and
and and let them know that you're there for them,
to support them, so they know that you're just someone
(14:36):
who's there for them.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
And the time will come when they're gonna.
Speaker 4 (14:40):
Want your advice and what to do, but maybe not
at the very beginning exactly.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
And that's that's another thing, is you want to make
sure that that door stays open.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Don't let it get.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
Shut, because if a narcissist views you as a threat,
meaning you have a positive end influence over the victim
and they would listen to you, they are going to
shut you out of their life. So you've got to
be very very mindful of how you approach it. Be
encouraging without pressuring, help them build self esteem back, you know,
(15:16):
help them reconnect with others. Be patient, and many times
they're going to need therapy.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Counseling, coaching.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
That is something that is encouraging once they're on the outside.
So if somebody is out of it and you find
that you're having trouble reconnecting with that person, they're avoiding you.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
They won't return your phone calls.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
That person really does need you in their lives. But
doing it in subtle manners, encouraging manners, and just extend
the olive.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Branch over and over.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
And if you're that person who has isolated yourself from friends,
at least make one.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Phone yea one phone call. They are waiting for you,
they want to reconnect with you. Just the one phone call.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
Let's talk about well, hell yeah, let's talk about how
you did that, how you were able to get out
of it. Remember you self isolated? Yep, you wouldn't share
with any friends. And Melissa has amazing friends. She really
has a circle of friends that they've been friends for
thirty years or something. We just really amazing friends. So
let's talk about that. How did you decide who to
(16:29):
contact and how did you do it?
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Well?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
The one person that actually believed that there was something wrong,
she knew. She knew me inside and out. And when
my behavior was changing, my personality was changing. I was
declining invitations, making excuses for things.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
I was making excuses for his behavior.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
I was making excuses and lying about just about everything
about the relationship. She could tell that I was becoming
a different person and she knew me well your it was,
and she knew that. So she was very gentle with
her olive branch.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
And I remembered it. I remembered because I'm like, I
can't do this by myself. And so I made that
phone call.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
I did, and I said, I need to talk to you,
and she said, it's about time.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
She said, I've been waiting.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
She knew.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
Oh my god, almost makes the cry right now. She knew.
She said, I've just been waiting. I've been waiting for you.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
I wanted you to know that I was always there.
I was not going to judge, I wasn't going to
bash him. I am your friend, I love you, And
she just waited for me to make that phone call,
and man.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
After that, I just like it.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Just it felt so good to talk to somebody who
I knew cared about me and just just to explain
what I went through. And she actually sat there and
listened to me for hours without interjecting it.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
And then she was always there for you.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah. Oh cool.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
And and then my other friends who also knew something
was wrong, they just weren't as persistent. But fortunately, you know,
we're all well.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
Once the story got out, everybody kind of knew. And
then making that you had a huge support group at
that point. So think about who you feel would really.
Speaker 3 (18:29):
Understand what you're going through.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
And probably knows you as well as you know yourself
and understand it out multiple times.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
Yes, So make that first call.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
Make yourself a goal right now that you're going to
make that call, And as soon as this podcast is over,
pick up the phone.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Don't and don't send a text.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
Yeah, I think hearing someone's voice where they're really connecting,
that's much much better. Just pick up the phone, call
that person, just say hey, I need to talk to you.
Do you have a few minutes, and just please do that.
If you have any problems with that or just need
some help, in doing that, leave us a comment. And
(19:12):
so we're gonna, as Melissa said, we're gonna put this
document in the description below.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
We'll put the link there.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
You can click right on it and download it downloaded.
Whether you are the victim and you you just don't
know how to reach out to other people, or you
know someone who's a victim and you just feel like
you need to be there for them, this is going.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
To help you too. So just a fantastic document. Now.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
Also, if you just you're the type of person you
just don't feel strong enough right now. You've you've been
in this situation for a long long time. You've been
emotionally abused, physically abused, financially abused, what have you, and
you just don't feel like you have the strength to
pick up the phone and make that call.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Call us.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Yeah, okay, set will we understand exactly we've.
Speaker 4 (20:00):
Been through it, so you don't have to worry about trying,
no judgment, nothing like that.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
We can help you to get the strength because.
Speaker 4 (20:08):
A lot of times making that first call is the
hardest call to make.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
But once you can make that, there's.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Been a long time years and she.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Actually connected with people that you love because you're isolated.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
It is. It is very hard. The longer it goes.
Speaker 3 (20:24):
The harder it is. Right.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
So I'm going to put Melissa's link in the description
blow to You so you can book a call with her.
And if it's your first call, I want to offer
you a discount to do that, just just just so.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
You can make that call.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
Okay, we'll put that discount, we'll.
Speaker 3 (20:42):
Put that in there.
Speaker 4 (20:43):
Just just make the callant to talk to somebody who
understands what it feels like.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Please, please do something.
Speaker 4 (20:52):
Don't continue as it is, suffering in silence, exactly, exactly,
no more suffering in sign.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
That's what this podcast is all about, is to try
to educate and try to help you get to a
better place. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
So yeah, I'm subscribed.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Please do because we put a new podcast out every
single week. Like it, share it, and like John said,
any comments, put them in the comments below, and thank
you so much for following us, and we'll see you
on our next podcast.
We go to his son's baseball game. He pulls out a.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Container strawberries chocolate covered, and he proceeds to dip the
strawberries in whip cream and wants to handfeed me. His
ex wife is just looking at me, and at the
time I did not realize she was actually feeling sorry
for me because she knows exactly what I was going through.
(00:27):
But how do you explain this person who has done
this romantic gesture is a monster at all.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Welcome to the Victim to Warriors Show Warrior Talk.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
We're John and Melissa, and we are both narcissistic abuse
survivors and our mission is to help other survivors reclaim
and rebuild their lives.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
So today we're going to be talking about how do
I explain to my friends and family what I'm going through?
Speaker 2 (01:05):
I mean, how do you explain narcissistic abuse to people
who've never.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Gone through it?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Because we all know are narcissists as totally different at
home than they do in public. So it is very
difficult to explain to people when they only see that facade.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Of appropris the facade, the person, the mask that we
fell for at the beginning. That's what they see.
Speaker 4 (01:30):
So when we're trying to explain to them what we're
going through, they don't see that. They only see this
person who they're pretending to be. So let's share a
little story about Melissa. Okay, just so we understand what
these narcissistic people do to kind of fake our friends
and family out about what we're going through.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
So let's let's share the strawberry story.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Dabe, Oh my god, Okay, I am going through literal
hell at home.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I mean I am terrified.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I mean it is psychological, emotional, verbal.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Financial, physical. I am literally holding on by a thread.
But I don't know what to do yet.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
So we go to his son's baseball game, son from
his previous marriage, and we're in the stands Now, we're
talking about kids, you know, they're like ten and eleven,
twelve years old. His ex wife is there as well.
He pulls out a container of strawberries, chocolate covered sta
(02:38):
We're in the stand, chocolate covered strawberries and whipped cream,
and he proceeds to dip the strawberries and whipped cream
and wants to hand feed me. Now I'm totally caught
off guard, and I am literally about to throw up.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
In my mouth.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Okay, but I'm what am I supposed to do? So
I'm sitting there eating these strawberries. His ex wife is
just looking at me, and at the time I did
not realize she was actually feeling sorry for me because
she knows exactly what I was going through. But how
do you explain this person who has done this romantic
(03:15):
gesture is a monster at hand?
Speaker 3 (03:17):
He seems so romantic, he seems so perfect for you.
Have you ever heard that before? How could how could
you say those things about him? He seems so perfect?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Yeah? Or if it's so bad, why don't you just leave?
I mean, it can't be that bad, or you.
Speaker 4 (03:32):
Would leave right right, right, So let's talk about those
things because I think either we're in it right now
where we're struggling with how to share this information with
our friends and family. We need support, right, So we
need to we need to be able to share with
others and people.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Explain it so they understand that who they see on
the outside is not who you see right unfortunately when
you're home, right, And so we've had many clients who
have asked me this question. It's like I don't even
know how to explain it. So I just I just
don't say anything. I don't want to talk to anybody
because people have said, well, if it's so badly or really,
(04:15):
I think you're exaggerating, maybe you're just insecure. So it
bounces back on the actual victim, who then isolates self isolates.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
Yeah, and that's exactly what the narcissist wants. Oh, he
doesn't want you to get support from friends and family,
so he wants you to isolate yourself because it's very,
very uncomfortable to try to explain to others when they're
seeing someone completely different who than you're dealing with at.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Home, right exactly. So honestly, I actually created.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
A document for my clients and I want to share
it with you, So we're going to put it in
the link below, so make sure you.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Grab a copy of it. Whether you're a victim still
in it, still trying to.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Wrap your head around what in the world is going on,
or maybe you want to leave, or you're in the
middle of a hillacious divorce, or you're on the outside
but you're still stuck, you're still being triggered, you're still
isolating because you'd rather ignore it than have to try
to explain it.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
So that's the reason that I created this. So so let's
talk about it.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
Okay, let's talk about a couple of things that we
can do, ways that we can explain to.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
Now, who do we want to really try to confide in?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
Is there a way to decide, because you know, we
might have lots of friends and family that we could
confide in, But but how do we decide the best
person to really if we're going to take one person.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
It's got to be somebody you trust.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
It's got to be somebody that you trust, that you love,
who loves you, who's supported you along the way, who
reached out to you when you started isolating yourself or
maybe you were being forced to isolate by your abuser.
Speaker 4 (06:00):
You want to make sure that it's not someone that's
friends with your narcissist either, like we call it a
flying monkey. Yeah, with someone that could go back and say, oh,
you know this person's talking about your whatever right now.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
Don't want that. You want someone this is.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Someone on your side that you need their support, but
you need them to help you along this journey.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Because it is so so difficult to do it alone.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
I know both John and I didn't have that Olive branch.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
It was. It was embarrassing for John to try to
explain it to other guys.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
I didn't when I was in the middle of the
smear campaign. Oh, I didn't even know.
Speaker 4 (06:37):
She was telling everybody that I trusted and that everybody
that I loved that I was physically abusing her.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
So they were withdrawing from right right right.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
You know, So being able to reach out to people
that you trust and love and share things. And if
you're a victim and you're in it or trying to
get out of it, or you're on the other side
and you are still struggling, or maybe you are one
of those loved ones, you are one of those friends
and you see it happening, you just don't know what
(07:09):
exactly is going on or what to do. So we're
talking to both of you, and that document it contains.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Both parts of this.
Speaker 4 (07:16):
So let's talk about if you're in it right now,
so how would you how would you get the process started.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Well describing it to people that care about you. A
narcissistic abuse.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Most of the time doesn't evolve physical violence.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
It did, it doesn't in cases, believe me, but the
marks are not visible. It's psychological it's emotional, it is
so trauma, it's financially so it's not always visible. So
you need to describe what you if you're the victim,
what you are going through, or what you went through?
Speaker 1 (07:53):
What was it? Was it all of them like it
was for me? Or was it the emotional?
Speaker 2 (08:00):
This psychological just demeaning you, tearing down your self esteem,
making you feel worthless. You need to be able to
identify what it is that you are feeling to describe
it to someone else. So if it is psychological or emotional,
I mean that involves gaslighting, emotional manipulation, devaluation, love bombing,
(08:23):
and deprivation, alternating between the two to totally keep you
off balance. It erodes your self worth, it really does.
And so when people used to see me as this
confident business woman, I didn't feel that anymore. I felt
very insecure. I felt like I was faking my way
(08:43):
through life. So for me to be able to tell someone, no,
I'm not that person anymore.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
How would I even do that?
Speaker 3 (08:49):
Well, you actually self isolated? Didn't?
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:52):
I did because I didn't want to have to describe it.
I didn't want people to know that my personal life
was crumbling and I didn't even know why I thought
I was.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Married to, like doctor Jeckel and mister Hyde.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
How do you explain that to somebody that is it's
impossible this will help you. Like you just said, isolation
is common. You want to avoid, you want to avoid
talking about it. Maybe you're scared to talk about it,
Maybe you are fat, you're fearing that your narcissist might
find out about it. That's why you've got to make
sure that it's somebody that you trust definitely, you know.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
And I think what you might find out is if,
especially if it's someone you trust and knew before the relationship.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
I think that's kind of important too.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Yeah, you know, if that person might say, you know
what I thought, somebody might be wrong and then all
of a sudden you have a confidant someone that you
can really talk to you but you'll never know unless
you extend that all branches.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Absolutely, you just don't want to go through this alone. Seriously,
And that example you just gave is exactly what one
of my best friends said to me.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
It's like, you know what, I knew something was wrong.
I didn't know what it was. I didn't want to pry.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
You know, people don't want to be Some people want
to be nosy, but most people don't want to dig
into your business, and if you don't offer it, they're
going to stop asking you. So being able to actually
articulate it will help you explain it to someone who's
not gone through this, who only sees that facade of
a person educating themselves that narcissistic abuse will really help them.
(10:25):
And so that's kind of what this document does. It
lets you know how to describe it. And it also
so if you are someone that cares about somebody and
you know something's wrong, or you are a victim and
you need help, you just don't know how to ask
for help. This also lets you know how to support
(10:46):
that loved one.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Okay, we believe and validate their experience.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Well, well let's talk about that. Let's talk about if
you're on the outside yep. Okay.
Speaker 4 (10:54):
Let's say your daughter or your son is involved with
a narcissist guy and you know something's wrong, but you
just don't know what to do. Or you're a sibling
and your brother sister is dealing with a narcissist and
you can see it, you know it, maybe you have
experience with it.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
And they don't and you see it. So how do
we help those people?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Well, the one important thing is believe and validate their experience.
You don't know what they're going through at home. So
when they're coming out and trying to explain it, validate it,
believe it.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Tell them that they don't deserve to be treated that way.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Don't try to justify it or challenge them on whether
or not what they're saying is true. Offer non judgmental listening.
Ear allow them to get it out. It's shameful, it's embarrassing,
it's frightening, it's.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Hard to talk about it. Just listen to them, let
them tell their story.
Speaker 4 (11:55):
And I love that you say non judgmental because you know,
a lot of time a victim does not want to hear.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Well, if it's so bad, why don't you just leave?
Speaker 4 (12:05):
You know, victims last we've heard that before, and a
lot of times we can't leave at that moment. We
just need to talk to somebody and have someone to
bounce things off of and to talk about and to
trust that what we talk about is going to stay
between us and.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
They're not dealing with it right.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Well, even if you're not ready to leave, you still
need someone to talk to because you know something's terribly wrong.
You know things are not the way that you thought
they were going to be. This is not the person
that you fell in.
Speaker 4 (12:39):
Right, And you know the thing is, if we're on
the outside and we're a good listener and we just
absorb what this person is telling us instead of being
judgmental and offering maybe some ideas of things that can
help them, it will give them strength to hopefully leave
in the future. And that that's I think someone outside,
(13:00):
that's what we.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Want, well and help and being non judgmental also means
not telling the victim that their partner is an abusive
person and that they should leave, or that they're a narcissist.
Sometimes the victim's not ready to hear that and they
are already struggling on the inside of that relationship. So
(13:25):
they might even go back to their abuser and say, hey,
my friend said that that you seem like you're a
narcissist because you do this, that and the other.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
First of all, you become the enemy of the narcissists.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
So they are going to try everything in their power
to isolate the victim from you.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
So's it's not up.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
To you to try to convince them their partner is
this horrible, abusive monster. They probably know it in the
back of their mind, but until they're ready to accept it,
you pushing that on them is only get or make
the abuser pull them away from you. So you have
to just educate yourself on what it is, talk to them,
(14:11):
listen to them without telling them what to do.
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Yeah, that's a huge point, especially if you've experienced it
yourself and you pretty much know what's going on, especially
earlier on it's it's probably better just to listen and
just to be just to be a good encouraging and
and and let them know that you're there for them,
to support them, so they know that you're just someone
(14:36):
who's there for them.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
And the time will come when they're gonna.
Speaker 4 (14:40):
Want your advice and what to do, but maybe not
at the very beginning exactly.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
And that's that's another thing, is you want to make
sure that that door stays open.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Don't let it get.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
Shut, because if a narcissist views you as a threat,
meaning you have a positive end influence over the victim
and they would listen to you, they are going to
shut you out of their life. So you've got to
be very very mindful of how you approach it. Be
encouraging without pressuring, help them build self esteem back, you know,
(15:16):
help them reconnect with others. Be patient, and many times
they're going to need therapy.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Counseling, coaching.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
That is something that is encouraging once they're on the outside.
So if somebody is out of it and you find
that you're having trouble reconnecting with that person, they're avoiding you.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
They won't return your phone calls.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
That person really does need you in their lives. But
doing it in subtle manners, encouraging manners, and just extend
the olive.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Branch over and over.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
And if you're that person who has isolated yourself from friends,
at least make one.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Phone yea one phone call. They are waiting for you,
they want to reconnect with you. Just the one phone call.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
Let's talk about well, hell yeah, let's talk about how
you did that, how you were able to get out
of it. Remember you self isolated? Yep, you wouldn't share
with any friends. And Melissa has amazing friends. She really
has a circle of friends that they've been friends for
thirty years or something. We just really amazing friends. So
let's talk about that. How did you decide who to
(16:29):
contact and how did you do it?
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Well?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
The one person that actually believed that there was something wrong,
she knew. She knew me inside and out. And when
my behavior was changing, my personality was changing. I was
declining invitations, making excuses for things.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
I was making excuses for his behavior.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
I was making excuses and lying about just about everything
about the relationship. She could tell that I was becoming
a different person and she knew me well your it was,
and she knew that. So she was very gentle with
her olive branch.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
And I remembered it. I remembered because I'm like, I
can't do this by myself. And so I made that
phone call.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
I did, and I said, I need to talk to you,
and she said, it's about time.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
She said, I've been waiting.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
She knew.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
Oh my god, almost makes the cry right now. She knew.
She said, I've just been waiting. I've been waiting for you.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
I wanted you to know that I was always there.
I was not going to judge, I wasn't going to
bash him. I am your friend, I love you, And
she just waited for me to make that phone call,
and man.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
After that, I just like it.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Just it felt so good to talk to somebody who
I knew cared about me and just just to explain
what I went through. And she actually sat there and
listened to me for hours without interjecting it.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
And then she was always there for you.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah. Oh cool.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
And and then my other friends who also knew something
was wrong, they just weren't as persistent. But fortunately, you know,
we're all well.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
Once the story got out, everybody kind of knew. And
then making that you had a huge support group at
that point. So think about who you feel would really.
Speaker 3 (18:29):
Understand what you're going through.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
And probably knows you as well as you know yourself
and understand it out multiple times.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
Yes, So make that first call.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
Make yourself a goal right now that you're going to
make that call, And as soon as this podcast is over,
pick up the phone.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Don't and don't send a text.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
Yeah, I think hearing someone's voice where they're really connecting,
that's much much better. Just pick up the phone, call
that person, just say hey, I need to talk to you.
Do you have a few minutes, and just please do that.
If you have any problems with that or just need
some help, in doing that, leave us a comment. And
(19:12):
so we're gonna, as Melissa said, we're gonna put this
document in the description below.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
We'll put the link there.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
You can click right on it and download it downloaded.
Whether you are the victim and you you just don't
know how to reach out to other people, or you
know someone who's a victim and you just feel like
you need to be there for them, this is going.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
To help you too. So just a fantastic document. Now.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
Also, if you just you're the type of person you
just don't feel strong enough right now. You've you've been
in this situation for a long long time. You've been
emotionally abused, physically abused, financially abused, what have you, and
you just don't feel like you have the strength to
pick up the phone and make that call.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Call us.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Yeah, okay, set will we understand exactly we've.
Speaker 4 (20:00):
Been through it, so you don't have to worry about trying,
no judgment, nothing like that.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
We can help you to get the strength because.
Speaker 4 (20:08):
A lot of times making that first call is the
hardest call to make.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
But once you can make that, there's.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Been a long time years and she.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Actually connected with people that you love because you're isolated.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
It is. It is very hard. The longer it goes.
Speaker 3 (20:24):
The harder it is. Right.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
So I'm going to put Melissa's link in the description
blow to You so you can book a call with her.
And if it's your first call, I want to offer
you a discount to do that, just just just so.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
You can make that call.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
Okay, we'll put that discount, we'll.
Speaker 3 (20:42):
Put that in there.
Speaker 4 (20:43):
Just just make the callant to talk to somebody who
understands what it feels like.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Please, please do something.
Speaker 4 (20:52):
Don't continue as it is, suffering in silence, exactly, exactly,
no more suffering in sign.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
That's what this podcast is all about, is to try
to educate and try to help you get to a
better place. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
So yeah, I'm subscribed.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Please do because we put a new podcast out every
single week. Like it, share it, and like John said,
any comments, put them in the comments below, and thank
you so much for following us, and we'll see you
on our next podcast.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.