April 28, 2025 • 21 mins
In this video, we explore effective ways to communicate your feelings and challenges, especially when dealing with the trauma of Narcissistic Abuse, or you have a loved one who is suffering from this type of relationship. Learn practical tips to foster understanding, set boundaries, and share your journey with those who care about you. Whether you're seeking support or simply want to be heard, this Podcast offers compassionate advice to help you express yourself authentically. We hope you enjoy it!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We go to his son's baseball game. He pulls out a.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Container strawberries chocolate covered, and he proceeds to dip the
strawberries in whip cream and wants to handfeed me. His
ex wife is just looking at me, and at the
time I did not realize she was actually feeling sorry
for me because she knows exactly what I was going through.
(00:27):
But how do you explain this person who has done
this romantic gesture is a monster at all.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Welcome to the Victim to Warriors Show Warrior Talk.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
We're John and Melissa, and we are both narcissistic abuse
survivors and our mission is to help other survivors reclaim
and rebuild their lives.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
So today we're going to be talking about how do
I explain to my friends and family what I'm going through?
Speaker 2 (01:05):
I mean, how do you explain narcissistic abuse to people
who've never.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Gone through it?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Because we all know are narcissists as totally different at
home than they do in public. So it is very
difficult to explain to people when they only see that
facade of.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Appropriate, the facade, the person, the mask that we fell
for at the beginning. That's what they see. So when
we're trying to explain to them what we're going through,
they don't see that. They only see this person who
they're pretending to be. So let's share a little story
about Melissa. Okay, just so we understand what these narcissistic
(01:45):
people do to kind of fake our friends and family
out about what we're going through. So let's let's share
the strawberry story.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Dabe, Oh my god, Okay, I am going through literal
hell at home.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I mean I am terrified.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I mean it is psychological, emotional, verbal.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
Financial, physical.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
I am literally holding on by a thread. But I
don't know what to do yet. So we go to
his son's baseball game, son from his previous marriage, and
we're in the stands Now we're talking about kids, you know,
they're like ten and eleven, twelve years old. His ex
wife is there as well. He pulls out a container
(02:33):
of strawberries, chocolate covered sta we're in the stand, chocolate
covered strawberries and whipped cream, and he proceeds to dip
the strawberries and whipped cream and wants to hand feed me. Now,
I'm totally caught off guard, and I am literally about
to throw up.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
In my mouth.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Okay, but I'm what am I supposed to do? So
I'm sitting there eating these strawberries. His ex wife is
just looking at me, and at the time I did
not realize she was actually feeling sorry for me because
she knows exactly what I was going through. But how
do you explain this person who has done this romantic
(03:15):
gesture is a monster at hand?
Speaker 3 (03:17):
He seems so romantic, he seems so perfect for you.
Have you ever heard that before? How could how could
you say those things about him? He seems so perfect?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Yeah? Or if it's so bad, why don't you just leave?
I mean, it can't be that bad, or you would
leave right right, right.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
So let's talk about those things because I think either
we're in it right now where we're struggling with how
to share this information with our friends and family. We
need support, right, So we need to we need to
be able to share with others and people wud.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Explain it so they understand that who they see on
the outside is not who you see right and unfortunately,
when you're home right right. And so we've had many
clients who have asked me this question. It's like I
don't even know how to explain it. So I just
I just don't say anything. I don't want to talk
to anybody because people have said, well, if it's so
(04:13):
badly or really, I think you're exaggerating, maybe you're just insecure.
So it bounces back on the actual victim, right, who then.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Isolates self isolates. Yeah, and that's exactly what the narcissist wants. Oh,
he doesn't want you to get support from friends and family,
so he wants you to isolate yourself because it's very,
very uncomfortable to try to explain to others when they're
seeing someone completely different who than you're dealing with at home.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
So honestly, I actually created a document for my clients
and I want to share it with you, So we're
going to put it in the link below, so make
sure you.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Grab a copy of it.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Whether you're a victim still in it, still trying to
wrap your head around what in the world is going on,
or maybe you want to leave, or you're in the
middle of a hillacious divorce, or you're on the outside
but you're still stuck, you're still being triggered, you're still
isolating because you'd rather ignore it than have to try
(05:14):
to explain it.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
So that's the reason that I created this.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
So so let's talk about it. Okay, let's talk about
a couple of things that we can do, ways that
we can explain to. Now, who do we want to
really try to confide in? Is there a way to decide,
because you know, we might have lots of friends and
family that we could confide in, But but how do
we decide the best person to really If we're going
(05:40):
to take one person.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
It's got to be somebody you trust.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
It's got to be somebody that you trust, that you love,
who loves you, who's supported you along the way, who
reached out to you when you started isolating yourself or
maybe you were being forced to isolate by your abuser.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
You want to make sure that it's not someone that's
friends with your narcissist either, like we call it a
flying monkey. Yeah, with someone that could go back and say, oh,
you know this person's talking about your whatever. Now, don't
want that. You want someone this is.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Someone on your side that you need their support, but
you need them to help you along this journey because
it is so so difficult to do it alone. I
know both John and I didn't have that olive branch.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
It was. It was embarrassing for John to try to
explain it to other guys.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
I didn't when I was in the middle of a
smear campaign. Oh, I didn't even know. She was telling
everybody that I trusted and that everybody that I loved
that I was physically abusing her.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
So they were withdrawing from right right right.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
You know, So being able to reach out to people
that you trust and love and share things. And if
you're a victim and you're in it or trying to
get out of it, or you're on the other side
and you are still struggling, or maybe you are one
of those loved ones, you are one of those friends
and you see it happening, you just don't know what
(07:09):
exactly is going on or what to do. So we're
talking to both of you. And that document it contains
both parts of this.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
So let's talk about if you're in it right now,
so how would you would you get the process started.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Well describing it to people that care about you. A
narcissistic abuse most of the time doesn't evolve physical violence.
It did, it doesn't in cases, believe me, but the
marks are not visible. It's psychological, it's emotional, it is
so trauma, it's financially so it's not always visible. So
(07:47):
you need to describe what you if you're the victim,
what you are going through, or what you went through?
Speaker 1 (07:53):
What was it? Was it all of them like it
was for me? Or was it the emotional?
Speaker 2 (08:00):
This psychological just demeaning you, tearing down your self esteem,
making you feel worthless. You need to be able to
identify what it is that you are feeling to describe
it to someone else. So if it is psychological or emotional,
I mean that involves gaslighting, emotional manipulation, devaluation, love bombing,
(08:23):
and deprivation, alternating between the two to totally keep you
off balance. It erodes your self worth, it really does.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
And so when.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
People used to see me as this confident business woman,
I didn't feel that anymore. I felt very insecure. I
felt like I was faking my way through life. So
for me to be able to tell someone, no, I'm
not that person anymore.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
How would I even do that?
Speaker 3 (08:49):
Well, you actually self isolated? Didn't?
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:52):
I did because I didn't want to have to describe it.
I didn't want people to know that my personal life
was crumbling and I didn't even know why I thought
I was married to like Doctor Jekyll and mister Hyde.
How do you explain that to somebody that is it's
impossible this will help you. Like you just said, isolation
is common. You want to avoid you want to avoid
(09:13):
talking about it.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Maybe you're scared to talk about it.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Maybe you are feet you're fearing that your narcissist might
find out about it. That's why you've got to make
sure that it's somebody that you trust definitely.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
You know.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
And I think what you might find out is if,
especially if it's someone you trust and knew before the relationship.
I think that's kind of important too. Yeah, you know,
if that person might say, you know what, I thought,
something might be wrong, and then all of a sudden
you have a confidant, someone that you can really talk
to you but you'll never know unless you extend that
all branches.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Absolutely, you just don't want to go through this alone. Seriously,
And that example you just gave is exactly what one
of my best.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Friends said to me.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
It's like, you know what, I knew something was wrong.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
I didn't know what it was. I didn't want to pry,
you know, people don't want to be Some people want
to be nosy, but most people don't want to dig
into your business, and if you don't offer it, they're
going to stop asking you. So being able to actually
articulate it will help you explain it to someone who's
not gone through this, who only sees that facade of
(10:20):
a person educating themselves that narcissistic abuse will really help them.
And so that's kind of what this document does. It
lets you know how to describe it. And it also
so if you are someone that cares about somebody and
you know something's wrong, or you are a victim and
you need help, you just don't know how to ask
(10:42):
for help. This also lets you know how to support
that loved one.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Okay, we believe and validate their experience.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Well, well let's talk about that. Let's talk about if
you're on the outside yep. Okay. Let's say your daughter
or your son is involved with a narcissist guy and
you know something's wrong, but you just don't know what
to do. Or you're a sibling and your brother sister
is dealing with a narcissist and you can see it,
you know it. Maybe you have experience with it, and
(11:11):
they don't and you see it. So how do we
help those people?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Well, the one important thing is believe and validate their experience.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
You don't know what they're going through at home.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
So when they're coming out and trying to explain it,
validate it, believe it.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Tell them that they don't deserve to be treated that way.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Don't try to justify it or challenge them on whether
or not what they're saying is true. Offer non judgmental listening.
Ear allow them to get it out. It's shameful, it's embarrassing,
it's frightening, it's hard to talk about it.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Just listen to them, let them tell their story.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
And I love that you say non judgmental because you know,
a lot of time a victim does not want to hear. Well,
if it's so bad, why don't you just leave? You know,
victims last we've heard that before, and a lot of
times we can't leave at that moment. We just need
to talk to somebody and have someone to bounce things
(12:16):
off of and to talk about and to trust that
what we talk about is going to stay between us
and they're.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
Not dealing with it right.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Well, even if you're not ready to leave, you still
need someone to talk to because you know something's terribly wrong.
You know things are not the way that you thought
they were going to be. This is not the person
that you fell in.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
Right, And you know the thing is, if we're on
the outside and we're a good listener and we just
absorb what this person is telling us instead of being
judgmental and offering maybe some ideas of things that can
help them, it will give them strength to hopefully leave
in the future. And that that's I think someone outside,
(13:00):
that's what we want.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Well and help and being non judgmental also means not
telling the victim that their partner is an abusive person
and that they should leave, or that they're a narcissist.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Sometimes the victim's not ready to hear.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
That and they are already struggling on the inside of
that relationship. So they might even go back to their
abuser and say, hey, my friend said that that you
seem like you're a narcissist because you do this, that
and the other. First of all, you become the enemy
of the narcissists, So they are going to try everything
(13:41):
in their power to isolate the victim from you. So
it's not up to you to try to convince them
their partner is this horrible, abusive monster. They probably know
it in the back of their mind, but until they're
ready to accept it, you pushing that on them is
only get or make the abuser pull them away from you.
(14:03):
So you have to just educate yourself on what it is,
talk to them, listen to them without telling them what
to do.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
Yeah, that's a huge point, especially if you've experienced it
yourself and you pretty much know what's going on, especially
earlier on it's it's probably better just to listen and
just to be just to be a good encouraging and
and and let them know that you're there for them,
to support them, so they know that you're just someone
(14:36):
who's there for them. And the time will come when
they're gonna want your advice and what to do, but
maybe not at the very beginning exactly.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
And that's that's another thing, is you want to make
sure that that door stays open. Don't let it get shut,
because if a narcissist views you as a threat, meaning
you have a positive end influence over the victim and
they would listen to you, they are going to shut
you out of their life. So you've got to be
(15:06):
very very mindful of how you approach it. Be encouraging
without pressuring, help them build self esteem back, you know,
help them reconnect with others. Be patient, and many times
they're going to need therapy, counseling, coaching. That is something
(15:30):
that is encouraging once they're on the outside. So if
somebody is out of it and you find that you're
having trouble reconnecting with that person, they're avoiding you, they
won't return your phone calls. That person really does need
you in their lives. But doing it in subtle manners,
encouraging manners, and just extend the olive branch over and over.
(15:54):
And if you're that person who has isolated yourself from friends,
at least make.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
One phone yea one phone call.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
They are waiting for you, they want to reconnect with you.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Just the one phone call.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Let's talk about well, yeah, let's talk about how you
did that, how you were able to get out of it.
Remember you self isolated. Yep, you wouldn't share with any friends.
And Melissa has amazing friends. She really has a circle
of friends that they've been friends for thirty years or something.
We just really amazing friends. So let's talk about that.
How did you decide who to contact and how did
(16:30):
you do it?
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Well?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
The one person that actually believed that there was something wrong,
she knew. She knew me inside and out. And when
my behavior was changing, my personality was changing. I was
declining invitations, making excuses for things.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
I was making excuses for his behavior.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
I was making excuses and lying about just about everything
about the relationship. She could tell that I was becoming
a different person.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
And she knew me, well, your life it.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Was, and she knew that. So she was very gentle
with her olive branch.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
And I remembered it.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
I remembered because I'm like, I can't do this by myself.
And so I made that phone call. I did, and
I said, I need to talk to you, and she said,
it's about time.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
She said, I've been waiting.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
She knew.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
Oh my god, almost makes the cry right now. She knew.
She said, I've just been waiting. I've been waiting for you.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
I wanted you to know that I was always there.
I was not going to judge, I wasn't going to
bash him. I am your friend, I love you, And
she just waited for.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Me to make that phone call, and man, after that,
I just like it.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Just it felt so good to talk to somebody who
I knew cared about me and just just to explain
what I went through. And she actually sat there and
listened to me for hours without interjecting it.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
And then she was always there for you.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah. Oh cool.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
And and then my other friends who also knew something
was wrong, they just weren't as persistent.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
But fortunately, you know, we're.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
All once the story got out, everybody kind of knew.
And then making that you had a huge support group
at that point. So think about who you feel would
really understand what you're going through and probably knows you
as well as you know yourself and understand it out
multiple times. Yes, So make that first call. Make yourself
(18:40):
a goal right now that you're going to make that call,
And as soon as this podcast is over, pick up
the phone. Don't and don't send a text. Yeah, I
think hearing someone's voice where they're really connecting, that's much
much better. Just pick up the phone, call that person
and just say, hey, I need to talk to you.
(19:01):
Do you have a few minutes, and just please do that.
If you have any problems with that or just need
some help, in doing that, leave us a comment. And
so we're gonna, as Melissa said, we're gonna put this
document in the description below. We'll put the link there.
You can click right on it and download it downloaded.
(19:22):
Whether you are the victim and you you just don't
know how to reach out to other people, or you
know someone who's a victim and you just feel like
you need to be there for them, right this is
going to help you too. So just a fantastic document. Now. Also,
if you just you're the type of person you just
don't feel strong enough right now. You've you've been in
this situation for a long long time. You've been emotionally abused,
(19:46):
physically abused, financially abused, what have you, and you just
don't feel like you have the strength to pick up
the phone and make that call call us. Yeah, okay,
shut up.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Will we understand exactly.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
We've been through it, so you don't have to worry
about no judgment, nothing like that. We can help you
to get the strength because a lot of times making
that first call is the hardest call to make. But
once you can make that, there's.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Been a long time years then she.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Actually connected with people that you love because you're isolated.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
It is. It is very hard. The longer it goes,
the harder it is. Right.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
So I'm going to put Melissa's link in the description
blow to You so you can book a call with her.
And if it's your first call, I want to offer
you a discount to do that, just just just so
you can make that call. Okay, we'll put that discount,
we'll put that in there. Just just make the callant
(20:47):
to talk to somebody who understands what it feels like. Please,
please do something. Don't continue as it is, suffering in silence, exactly, exactly,
no more suffering in sign. That's what this podcast is
all about, is to try to educate and try to
help you get to a better place.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Yeah. So, yeah, and subscribed, please do because we put
a new podcast out every single week. Like it, share it,
and like John said, any comments, put him in the
comments below, and thank you so much for following us,
and we'll see you on our next podcast
We go to his son's baseball game. He pulls out a.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Container strawberries chocolate covered, and he proceeds to dip the
strawberries in whip cream and wants to handfeed me. His
ex wife is just looking at me, and at the
time I did not realize she was actually feeling sorry
for me because she knows exactly what I was going through.
(00:27):
But how do you explain this person who has done
this romantic gesture is a monster at all.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Welcome to the Victim to Warriors Show Warrior Talk.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
We're John and Melissa, and we are both narcissistic abuse
survivors and our mission is to help other survivors reclaim
and rebuild their lives.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
So today we're going to be talking about how do
I explain to my friends and family what I'm going through?
Speaker 2 (01:05):
I mean, how do you explain narcissistic abuse to people
who've never.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Gone through it?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Because we all know are narcissists as totally different at
home than they do in public. So it is very
difficult to explain to people when they only see that
facade of.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Appropriate, the facade, the person, the mask that we fell
for at the beginning. That's what they see. So when
we're trying to explain to them what we're going through,
they don't see that. They only see this person who
they're pretending to be. So let's share a little story
about Melissa. Okay, just so we understand what these narcissistic
(01:45):
people do to kind of fake our friends and family
out about what we're going through. So let's let's share
the strawberry story.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Dabe, Oh my god, Okay, I am going through literal
hell at home.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I mean I am terrified.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I mean it is psychological, emotional, verbal.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
Financial, physical.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
I am literally holding on by a thread. But I
don't know what to do yet. So we go to
his son's baseball game, son from his previous marriage, and
we're in the stands Now we're talking about kids, you know,
they're like ten and eleven, twelve years old. His ex
wife is there as well. He pulls out a container
(02:33):
of strawberries, chocolate covered sta we're in the stand, chocolate
covered strawberries and whipped cream, and he proceeds to dip
the strawberries and whipped cream and wants to hand feed me. Now,
I'm totally caught off guard, and I am literally about
to throw up.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
In my mouth.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Okay, but I'm what am I supposed to do? So
I'm sitting there eating these strawberries. His ex wife is
just looking at me, and at the time I did
not realize she was actually feeling sorry for me because
she knows exactly what I was going through. But how
do you explain this person who has done this romantic
(03:15):
gesture is a monster at hand?
Speaker 3 (03:17):
He seems so romantic, he seems so perfect for you.
Have you ever heard that before? How could how could
you say those things about him? He seems so perfect?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Yeah? Or if it's so bad, why don't you just leave?
I mean, it can't be that bad, or you would
leave right right, right.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
So let's talk about those things because I think either
we're in it right now where we're struggling with how
to share this information with our friends and family. We
need support, right, So we need to we need to
be able to share with others and people wud.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Explain it so they understand that who they see on
the outside is not who you see right and unfortunately,
when you're home right right. And so we've had many
clients who have asked me this question. It's like I
don't even know how to explain it. So I just
I just don't say anything. I don't want to talk
to anybody because people have said, well, if it's so
(04:13):
badly or really, I think you're exaggerating, maybe you're just insecure.
So it bounces back on the actual victim, right, who then.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Isolates self isolates. Yeah, and that's exactly what the narcissist wants. Oh,
he doesn't want you to get support from friends and family,
so he wants you to isolate yourself because it's very,
very uncomfortable to try to explain to others when they're
seeing someone completely different who than you're dealing with at home.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
So honestly, I actually created a document for my clients
and I want to share it with you, So we're
going to put it in the link below, so make
sure you.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Grab a copy of it.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Whether you're a victim still in it, still trying to
wrap your head around what in the world is going on,
or maybe you want to leave, or you're in the
middle of a hillacious divorce, or you're on the outside
but you're still stuck, you're still being triggered, you're still
isolating because you'd rather ignore it than have to try
(05:14):
to explain it.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
So that's the reason that I created this.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
So so let's talk about it. Okay, let's talk about
a couple of things that we can do, ways that
we can explain to. Now, who do we want to
really try to confide in? Is there a way to decide,
because you know, we might have lots of friends and
family that we could confide in, But but how do
we decide the best person to really If we're going
(05:40):
to take one person.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
It's got to be somebody you trust.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
It's got to be somebody that you trust, that you love,
who loves you, who's supported you along the way, who
reached out to you when you started isolating yourself or
maybe you were being forced to isolate by your abuser.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
You want to make sure that it's not someone that's
friends with your narcissist either, like we call it a
flying monkey. Yeah, with someone that could go back and say, oh,
you know this person's talking about your whatever. Now, don't
want that. You want someone this is.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Someone on your side that you need their support, but
you need them to help you along this journey because
it is so so difficult to do it alone. I
know both John and I didn't have that olive branch.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
It was. It was embarrassing for John to try to
explain it to other guys.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
I didn't when I was in the middle of a
smear campaign. Oh, I didn't even know. She was telling
everybody that I trusted and that everybody that I loved
that I was physically abusing her.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
So they were withdrawing from right right right.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
You know, So being able to reach out to people
that you trust and love and share things. And if
you're a victim and you're in it or trying to
get out of it, or you're on the other side
and you are still struggling, or maybe you are one
of those loved ones, you are one of those friends
and you see it happening, you just don't know what
(07:09):
exactly is going on or what to do. So we're
talking to both of you. And that document it contains
both parts of this.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
So let's talk about if you're in it right now,
so how would you would you get the process started.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Well describing it to people that care about you. A
narcissistic abuse most of the time doesn't evolve physical violence.
It did, it doesn't in cases, believe me, but the
marks are not visible. It's psychological, it's emotional, it is
so trauma, it's financially so it's not always visible. So
(07:47):
you need to describe what you if you're the victim,
what you are going through, or what you went through?
Speaker 1 (07:53):
What was it? Was it all of them like it
was for me? Or was it the emotional?
Speaker 2 (08:00):
This psychological just demeaning you, tearing down your self esteem,
making you feel worthless. You need to be able to
identify what it is that you are feeling to describe
it to someone else. So if it is psychological or emotional,
I mean that involves gaslighting, emotional manipulation, devaluation, love bombing,
(08:23):
and deprivation, alternating between the two to totally keep you
off balance. It erodes your self worth, it really does.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
And so when.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
People used to see me as this confident business woman,
I didn't feel that anymore. I felt very insecure. I
felt like I was faking my way through life. So
for me to be able to tell someone, no, I'm
not that person anymore.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
How would I even do that?
Speaker 3 (08:49):
Well, you actually self isolated? Didn't?
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:52):
I did because I didn't want to have to describe it.
I didn't want people to know that my personal life
was crumbling and I didn't even know why I thought
I was married to like Doctor Jekyll and mister Hyde.
How do you explain that to somebody that is it's
impossible this will help you. Like you just said, isolation
is common. You want to avoid you want to avoid
(09:13):
talking about it.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Maybe you're scared to talk about it.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Maybe you are feet you're fearing that your narcissist might
find out about it. That's why you've got to make
sure that it's somebody that you trust definitely.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
You know.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
And I think what you might find out is if,
especially if it's someone you trust and knew before the relationship.
I think that's kind of important too. Yeah, you know,
if that person might say, you know what, I thought,
something might be wrong, and then all of a sudden
you have a confidant, someone that you can really talk
to you but you'll never know unless you extend that
all branches.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Absolutely, you just don't want to go through this alone. Seriously,
And that example you just gave is exactly what one
of my best.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Friends said to me.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
It's like, you know what, I knew something was wrong.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
I didn't know what it was. I didn't want to pry,
you know, people don't want to be Some people want
to be nosy, but most people don't want to dig
into your business, and if you don't offer it, they're
going to stop asking you. So being able to actually
articulate it will help you explain it to someone who's
not gone through this, who only sees that facade of
(10:20):
a person educating themselves that narcissistic abuse will really help them.
And so that's kind of what this document does. It
lets you know how to describe it. And it also
so if you are someone that cares about somebody and
you know something's wrong, or you are a victim and
you need help, you just don't know how to ask
(10:42):
for help. This also lets you know how to support
that loved one.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Okay, we believe and validate their experience.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Well, well let's talk about that. Let's talk about if
you're on the outside yep. Okay. Let's say your daughter
or your son is involved with a narcissist guy and
you know something's wrong, but you just don't know what
to do. Or you're a sibling and your brother sister
is dealing with a narcissist and you can see it,
you know it. Maybe you have experience with it, and
(11:11):
they don't and you see it. So how do we
help those people?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Well, the one important thing is believe and validate their experience.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
You don't know what they're going through at home.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
So when they're coming out and trying to explain it,
validate it, believe it.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Tell them that they don't deserve to be treated that way.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Don't try to justify it or challenge them on whether
or not what they're saying is true. Offer non judgmental listening.
Ear allow them to get it out. It's shameful, it's embarrassing,
it's frightening, it's hard to talk about it.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Just listen to them, let them tell their story.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
And I love that you say non judgmental because you know,
a lot of time a victim does not want to hear. Well,
if it's so bad, why don't you just leave? You know,
victims last we've heard that before, and a lot of
times we can't leave at that moment. We just need
to talk to somebody and have someone to bounce things
(12:16):
off of and to talk about and to trust that
what we talk about is going to stay between us
and they're.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
Not dealing with it right.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Well, even if you're not ready to leave, you still
need someone to talk to because you know something's terribly wrong.
You know things are not the way that you thought
they were going to be. This is not the person
that you fell in.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
Right, And you know the thing is, if we're on
the outside and we're a good listener and we just
absorb what this person is telling us instead of being
judgmental and offering maybe some ideas of things that can
help them, it will give them strength to hopefully leave
in the future. And that that's I think someone outside,
(13:00):
that's what we want.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Well and help and being non judgmental also means not
telling the victim that their partner is an abusive person
and that they should leave, or that they're a narcissist.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Sometimes the victim's not ready to hear.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
That and they are already struggling on the inside of
that relationship. So they might even go back to their
abuser and say, hey, my friend said that that you
seem like you're a narcissist because you do this, that
and the other. First of all, you become the enemy
of the narcissists, So they are going to try everything
(13:41):
in their power to isolate the victim from you. So
it's not up to you to try to convince them
their partner is this horrible, abusive monster. They probably know
it in the back of their mind, but until they're
ready to accept it, you pushing that on them is
only get or make the abuser pull them away from you.
(14:03):
So you have to just educate yourself on what it is,
talk to them, listen to them without telling them what
to do.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
Yeah, that's a huge point, especially if you've experienced it
yourself and you pretty much know what's going on, especially
earlier on it's it's probably better just to listen and
just to be just to be a good encouraging and
and and let them know that you're there for them,
to support them, so they know that you're just someone
(14:36):
who's there for them. And the time will come when
they're gonna want your advice and what to do, but
maybe not at the very beginning exactly.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
And that's that's another thing, is you want to make
sure that that door stays open. Don't let it get shut,
because if a narcissist views you as a threat, meaning
you have a positive end influence over the victim and
they would listen to you, they are going to shut
you out of their life. So you've got to be
(15:06):
very very mindful of how you approach it. Be encouraging
without pressuring, help them build self esteem back, you know,
help them reconnect with others. Be patient, and many times
they're going to need therapy, counseling, coaching. That is something
(15:30):
that is encouraging once they're on the outside. So if
somebody is out of it and you find that you're
having trouble reconnecting with that person, they're avoiding you, they
won't return your phone calls. That person really does need
you in their lives. But doing it in subtle manners,
encouraging manners, and just extend the olive branch over and over.
(15:54):
And if you're that person who has isolated yourself from friends,
at least make.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
One phone yea one phone call.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
They are waiting for you, they want to reconnect with you.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Just the one phone call.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Let's talk about well, yeah, let's talk about how you
did that, how you were able to get out of it.
Remember you self isolated. Yep, you wouldn't share with any friends.
And Melissa has amazing friends. She really has a circle
of friends that they've been friends for thirty years or something.
We just really amazing friends. So let's talk about that.
How did you decide who to contact and how did
(16:30):
you do it?
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Well?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
The one person that actually believed that there was something wrong,
she knew. She knew me inside and out. And when
my behavior was changing, my personality was changing. I was
declining invitations, making excuses for things.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
I was making excuses for his behavior.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
I was making excuses and lying about just about everything
about the relationship. She could tell that I was becoming
a different person.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
And she knew me, well, your life it.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Was, and she knew that. So she was very gentle
with her olive branch.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
And I remembered it.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
I remembered because I'm like, I can't do this by myself.
And so I made that phone call. I did, and
I said, I need to talk to you, and she said,
it's about time.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
She said, I've been waiting.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
She knew.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
Oh my god, almost makes the cry right now. She knew.
She said, I've just been waiting. I've been waiting for you.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
I wanted you to know that I was always there.
I was not going to judge, I wasn't going to
bash him. I am your friend, I love you, And
she just waited for.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Me to make that phone call, and man, after that,
I just like it.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Just it felt so good to talk to somebody who
I knew cared about me and just just to explain
what I went through. And she actually sat there and
listened to me for hours without interjecting it.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
And then she was always there for you.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah. Oh cool.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
And and then my other friends who also knew something
was wrong, they just weren't as persistent.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
But fortunately, you know, we're.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
All once the story got out, everybody kind of knew.
And then making that you had a huge support group
at that point. So think about who you feel would
really understand what you're going through and probably knows you
as well as you know yourself and understand it out
multiple times. Yes, So make that first call. Make yourself
(18:40):
a goal right now that you're going to make that call,
And as soon as this podcast is over, pick up
the phone. Don't and don't send a text. Yeah, I
think hearing someone's voice where they're really connecting, that's much
much better. Just pick up the phone, call that person
and just say, hey, I need to talk to you.
(19:01):
Do you have a few minutes, and just please do that.
If you have any problems with that or just need
some help, in doing that, leave us a comment. And
so we're gonna, as Melissa said, we're gonna put this
document in the description below. We'll put the link there.
You can click right on it and download it downloaded.
(19:22):
Whether you are the victim and you you just don't
know how to reach out to other people, or you
know someone who's a victim and you just feel like
you need to be there for them, right this is
going to help you too. So just a fantastic document. Now. Also,
if you just you're the type of person you just
don't feel strong enough right now. You've you've been in
this situation for a long long time. You've been emotionally abused,
(19:46):
physically abused, financially abused, what have you, and you just
don't feel like you have the strength to pick up
the phone and make that call call us. Yeah, okay,
shut up.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Will we understand exactly.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
We've been through it, so you don't have to worry
about no judgment, nothing like that. We can help you
to get the strength because a lot of times making
that first call is the hardest call to make. But
once you can make that, there's.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Been a long time years then she.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Actually connected with people that you love because you're isolated.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
It is. It is very hard. The longer it goes,
the harder it is. Right.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
So I'm going to put Melissa's link in the description
blow to You so you can book a call with her.
And if it's your first call, I want to offer
you a discount to do that, just just just so
you can make that call. Okay, we'll put that discount,
we'll put that in there. Just just make the callant
(20:47):
to talk to somebody who understands what it feels like. Please,
please do something. Don't continue as it is, suffering in silence, exactly, exactly,
no more suffering in sign. That's what this podcast is
all about, is to try to educate and try to
help you get to a better place.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Yeah. So, yeah, and subscribed, please do because we put
a new podcast out every single week. Like it, share it,
and like John said, any comments, put him in the
comments below, and thank you so much for following us,
and we'll see you on our next podcast
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