“I USED TO BE TROUBLE”

A caller explains how their life has evolved since leaving behind their hoodlum life in Bakersfield CA. 

Later a caller turns his life around after losing his virginity and a final caller goes to a $5 basement show. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's your name?

Speaker 2 (00:00):
The name's Erica, Erica.

Speaker 1 (00:03):
What's up, Erica? How's life?

Speaker 2 (00:05):
Life's pretty good. I'm actively fucking up my eyebrows right now.

Speaker 1 (00:11):
You're actively fucking up your eyebrows right now.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
Yes, I started plucking them and I just plucked a
little too much.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
Well, Stephanie, what's what's going on?

Speaker 3 (00:23):
Man?

Speaker 1 (00:24):
Would you wanna talk about today? Eric? Oh? Crap? The
other person that I talk to is Stephanie, So I
what's I'm gonna call everyone? Just call her because I don't.
I can't. It's been established that I can't. Uh, I
can't do names, which is fine. It's okay everyone. Everyone
should be anonymous on this thing. So I'm gonna call you. Caller,

(00:48):
call her? What's up? What do you want to talk about?

Speaker 2 (00:52):
I wanted to talk about Bakersfield, California.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
I think I went to baker Field, California a couple
of years ago on like a camping trip or some shit.

Speaker 2 (01:06):
Really have we ever seen? Like I think it's a
Netflix show about Bakersfield, and it's like a bunch of
like killbillies and like rich oil people.

Speaker 1 (01:14):
Yeah, I'm familiar with, Like, I'm vaguely familiar with the culture.
Tell me more.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
That was like to a tea. So it's so crazy.
There's like so many different parts of town that are
so different, and the part of town where I grew up,
I thought this stuff was normal. So like my high school,
everything was gated and you had to call security to
come to your classroom to take you to the bathroom

(01:43):
because people were studying trash cans on fire or ditching
or fighting or having sex somewhere on campus. And we
weren't allowed to wear certain colored shirts because of gang affiliation.
You couldn't wear like plain white teas or playing red

(02:03):
teas and stuff like that, and I thought that was
like normal.

Speaker 1 (02:12):
Were there a lot of gangs in Baker's Field?

Speaker 2 (02:15):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (02:17):
What were Were you ever in a gang?

Speaker 2 (02:22):
No? I wasn't, but my older sister always took me
to like house parties and they were all gang affiliated.
And actually my dad's side of the family, I wasn't
really like in touch with them, but they were all
gang affiliated too.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
M Okay, what else was going on in Bakersfield at
the time.

Speaker 2 (02:47):
Shit. I have an uncle who has like seventeen kids
from like different baby mamas, and he was always in
and out of prison and yeah, Like all of my
family was like always in and out of prison, like
my grandma's getting DUIs, fighting my uncle's wife in the

(03:08):
front yard, ghetto stuff like that. But like that was
my normal. So once I got away from Baker's Toe it,
I was like, holy shit, that place is wild.

Speaker 1 (03:20):
Where did you get away from Bakersfield to.

Speaker 2 (03:21):
Go the military?

Speaker 1 (03:25):
Are you? Is that where you are now?

Speaker 2 (03:27):
No? I was in the military for six years. I
got medically discharged, and then me and my husband moved
to a different part of California.

Speaker 1 (03:41):
And what was it like? What was it like being
in the military for six years?

Speaker 2 (03:47):
I had a blast. I was a mechanic. I was
a helicopter mechanic. And I before that, I was like
a bougie bitch, like wearing dresses and heels and nails
done all the time, didn't know what a socket wrench was.

(04:07):
And then I became like a grease monkey and became
a mechanic and was traveling the world. I went on
like three different aircraft carriers and spent over like three
hundred and sixty days to see and I had a blast.

Speaker 1 (04:25):
What was the medical discharge?

Speaker 2 (04:27):
Oh, I have this like brain condition where the veins
at the bottom of my brain are like narrow, and
so it builds pressure in my brain and it gave
me like migraines and was causing like issues with my eyes.

Speaker 1 (04:45):
WHOA did that develop while you were in the military?

Speaker 2 (04:49):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (04:50):
WHOA? What happens when you get medically discharged from the military?
Do they like, do you get shit? Or are they
just like you gotta go?

Speaker 2 (05:00):
There's like a whole process you have to go through,
like what's called a medboard, and then I think mine
took like ten months, I think, and you have lawyers
and a lot of paperwork, a lot of doctor's appointments,
and then it gets sent to like an office where
one person has to confirm if you're getting discharged or not.

(05:26):
And they have to do all of the military so
like Navy, air Force, all of them. And so that's
why it takes so long.

Speaker 1 (05:38):
What did you do right when you were medically discharged?

Speaker 2 (05:44):
I became an office manager for a pool construction company.

Speaker 1 (05:49):
And how was that?

Speaker 2 (05:51):
It was interesting. It was a startup company and the
owners were not very good with money, and the clientele
was high, like high payers. But the company I worked
for was low balling everything and fucked everything up and

(06:13):
was constantly getting sued, and so they eventually made me
the bookkeeper because they had to pretty much get rid
of everybody because they couldn't afford anything. And I ended
up with like five different people's job, and I was
the bookkeeper, so I got to see where the big
account went, like negative four hundred dollars. And so when

(06:36):
they said they wanted to have a meeting with me,
I already knew that I lost my job because I
watched the money disappear. It was crazy because the owner
of the company, he would like show up different times
and like a range Rover and then a Jaguar, and
then he took all of us, or he didn't take.

(07:01):
Well I didn't go, but he invited the whole company
for midget wrestling in Norco for some reason and paid
for like VIP tickets.

Speaker 1 (07:13):
You didn't go.

Speaker 2 (07:15):
So it was like on a Thursday night and like
I'm married, and like I feel old now, so like
I didn't want to be at a bar watching midget
do that. Like that was from her early twenties.

Speaker 1 (07:26):
How old are you now? If you don't mind me.

Speaker 2 (07:28):
Asking, I turned twenty nine next week.

Speaker 1 (07:33):
Yeah, well you're not old.

Speaker 2 (07:35):
I feel old, like after the military, Like, I feel
like I got my ass beat and everything hurts.

Speaker 1 (07:44):
Do you So, what are you doing now? Are you
still working at that pool company?

Speaker 2 (07:51):
No? So they went belly up, and then I was
unemployed and collecting the unemployment for a bit, and then
I started to use my VA benefits to go to school.
So I'm pursuing my bachelor's in health science.

Speaker 1 (08:10):
Okay, well, what's the ultimate goal with that, like, become
like some kind of medical person thing.

Speaker 2 (08:16):
Mmm, you would think so, but no, So I don't
really feel like working again. I want to pursue the
career being a stay at home mom after and me
and my husband made a deal that I can be
a stay at home mom as long as I'm educated beforehand,
so that when I am actively a mother, I do

(08:39):
have the ability to have a job if I wanted one.

Speaker 1 (08:43):
So you made a deal with your husband that he
would financially support you being a stay at home mom
as long as you went to school and.

Speaker 2 (08:50):
Got my degree before we started having kids.

Speaker 1 (08:53):
Yes, how long is it going to take for you
to get your degree?

Speaker 2 (08:56):
I'm almost done, actually in it. We're both in school
right now. Is we're both working on our bachelor's degree,
so that's a cool part of the deal. We're doing
it together.

Speaker 1 (09:07):
The are you going to same school?

Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (09:10):
Oh cool, same degree.

Speaker 2 (09:12):
No, he's going for it.

Speaker 1 (09:17):
Are you like taking out like student loans and shiit?

Speaker 4 (09:21):
No this.

Speaker 2 (09:22):
He's in the military too, So we're both veterans using
our VA benefits to go to school and we get
a housing allowance and so that pays for our living
while we both go to school full time.

Speaker 1 (09:36):
Oh kick ass. That's awesome. So are you so you
just want to you just want to get a degree
just to have it, just to say that you can
get a job if you wanted to. Yeah, very cool.
Was that always your goal, like to be a stay
at home mom?

Speaker 2 (09:53):
Fuck no. Before I met my husband, I was never
getting married. I was never having children. But he's so amazing.
I completely changed me and my mind, and now I
want to be a stay at home mom doing like
a homeschool thing or something.

Speaker 1 (10:12):
Wait, tell me more. That's kind of fascinating. Why do
you think you flipped, dude?

Speaker 2 (10:18):
I swear like the first time I like hung out
with him, there was like fireworks and it felt like
a movie. I swear it's like a movie. And I
tell him all the time. I was like, what voodoo
did you do to me? Because I used to be
a thug, but now I'm all soft and sensitive, Like
I want to take care of your children.

Speaker 1 (10:42):
You used to be a thug.

Speaker 2 (10:45):
I just told you from I'm from Bakersfield, Like it's build.

Speaker 1 (10:49):
Worldwist what what do you I mean if you want
to elaborate.

Speaker 5 (10:55):
Like what sure like into Like I was like eight
years old and in the car with a parent to
help sober up my uncle and cover.

Speaker 2 (11:08):
Up his voice or not his voices, cover up his uh,
his breath of alcohol with coffee because he just do you.
I crashed into the side of a house. My aunt,
who was my babysitter for a few years, was a murderer.

(11:30):
She murdered somebody, like maybe like a couple of years after,
like she stopped babysitting me, and then.

Speaker 1 (11:40):
What else, Well wait a minute, wait minute, but yeah,
but those are all stories about your family. I'm talking
about you.

Speaker 2 (11:44):
But I'm actively in those things. I'm the person handing
the drunk guy the coffee. Like I'm a little kid
actively doing these things.

Speaker 1 (11:56):
I don't know. Yeah, okay, but I don't know if
I mean yeah, but okay, if you're hold on, hold
on being eight years old and helping your family and
kind of blindly being with your family while they do
quote unquote thug things, well I don't think it makes

(12:17):
you a thug.

Speaker 2 (12:19):
Well that in cases teaches me as a young kid
that these things are okay. I never learned until recently
that these things were not okay. And so in my
early twenties I have done, like I don't want to
go in detail my stuff, but because of the stuff

(12:39):
I was exposed to as a young child, I did
some hood rat shit in my early twenties speaking it
was okay. And now that I'm in my last year
of my twenties, I'm like, I'm surprised I'm alive, and
I'm surprised I've never been arrested and everything turned out okay.

Speaker 1 (13:00):
Hmmm, do you still keep in good contact with your parents?

Speaker 2 (13:05):
No?

Speaker 1 (13:06):
Is it like totally nothing?

Speaker 2 (13:09):
My dad's totally nothing. And then my mom, that's a
weird situation with her because she didn't know she was
a horrible mother. And then I started going to therapy and
I was like, Yo, did you know this this and
this and this was like fucked up, and she was like, oh,
I had no idea, and now she's like weird about it.

(13:30):
I don't want to talk.

Speaker 1 (13:32):
When did you stop talking to your parents?

Speaker 2 (13:36):
Well, my dad called me randomly. Remember I was talking
about getting discharged for that brain thing. Yes, so I
was in the process of that and my dad randomly
called me and was like, I never want to speak
to you again. And I was like, well, okay, and
then he hasn't talked to me since. And that wasn't
maybe like twenty twenty one.

Speaker 1 (13:59):
And why would your dad randomly call you after not
talking to you to say he doesn't want to talk
to you. That's so bizarre.

Speaker 2 (14:06):
On he's like a narcissist and mentally ill and alcoholic.
So there's a.

Speaker 1 (14:15):
Do you what about like siblings?

Speaker 2 (14:18):
My older sister I found well, I recently realized that
she was my biggest hater in life and tried to
like sabotage my happiness. And so she's seven years older
than me, and she's my half sister. So my mom
was married to somebody else before her. But my sister

(14:39):
is seven years older than me and would take me
on the weekend starting at age fourteen'll get me drunk
every weekend until I left for the military and let
me get like blacked out and become an alcoholic and
just do all this stupid stuff. And I thought I
was spending quality time with my sister, but I realized

(15:04):
she was my biggest hater and I confronted her about it.
I was like, hey, the ain't cool and she just
does not get it. So yeah, I haven't really talked
to her in like a year now.

Speaker 1 (15:17):
Huh how I you know, look, if it's the whole
thing to get into, then we don't have to. But like,
does that are you kind of like is what it is?
I'm going to start my own family about it? Or
does that are you like bummed about it?

Speaker 2 (15:32):
Well, she's like super negative, Like she's always late. I
hate when people are late. That's like my biggest pet
teas shes as negative and yelling. So like not having
her in my life for the past year has been
really good.

Speaker 1 (15:43):
Actually, okay cool? What about like friends? What about like
friends from Bakersfield? Do you still have any friends from
from around that time of your life?

Speaker 2 (15:53):
No?

Speaker 1 (15:57):
Did you have friends during that time in your life?

Speaker 2 (16:00):
Yeah? I had friends, but I don't know, just it
seems like the people in Bakersfield are stuck to thinking
that like having a good time, his being in somebody's
backyard getting like blacked out drunk. Yeah, that's where. And

(16:22):
I'm not into that. Like I would love to have
like an intellectual conversation or go to a museum or
do something cool, and people in Bakersfield do that.

Speaker 1 (16:34):
They have museums in Bakersfield, right, They've.

Speaker 5 (16:36):
Got stuff I don't remember.

Speaker 1 (16:41):
Well, let's see, hmmm, and where did you meet? Where
did you meet your husbands? Are you guys married yet?

Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah, we've been married for I think almost four years.

Speaker 1 (16:53):
Oh cool.

Speaker 2 (16:54):
Where'd you guys meet in the military. He used to
be my supervisor at one point.

Speaker 1 (17:01):
Interesting And so you what you met him when you
were twenty four twenty three?

Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, around twenty four.

Speaker 1 (17:09):
I think, and you were like, I'm never getting married,
I'm never having kids and never doing any that shit.
And you meet him and you're like, oh, okay, I
want to I want to do all that shit now, Yes? Cool?
What's his deal? Who is he?

Speaker 2 (17:24):
He is amazing. He's so smart and artistic and there's
like a nerdy size to him, like he's been a
gamer since forever. And he's also into working out and
he's a handy man. We bought this place together and
he redid the whole thing, kind of like Chip and

(17:45):
Joe Anne style, Like, h he's so dreamy.

Speaker 1 (17:49):
That's wonderful. That's so it sounds like you, I have
had a great uh life one eighty.

Speaker 2 (17:59):
Kind of like have crippling depression. So like I have
this amazing life, but it's still like I'm still sad.

Speaker 1 (18:06):
Yeah, okay, that was what I was gonna ask, are
you or do you like, how do you feel about
life now?

Speaker 2 (18:12):
Ship? My life's amazing, but it's just so hard to
be in the moment. I'm trying to be more in
the moment.

Speaker 1 (18:20):
Why do you find it hard to be in the moment?

Speaker 6 (18:23):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (18:24):
I just have like I'll hold on one second.

Speaker 1 (18:27):
My mouth is dry, but what are you? Are you
taking some water?

Speaker 2 (18:34):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (18:35):
That's good. I gotta drink more water. I just I
keep doing the fucking Gatorade zero and the Diet Coke
and the Snapple zero. And it's like when am When
When am I going to drink some fucking water? You know?
Water is good when you.

Speaker 2 (18:49):
Feel like changing. Yeah, Oh, I just read the I
just read the Mel Robinson book The Lesson Theory, how
to recommend it? Love it?

Speaker 1 (18:59):
Yeah, what'd you think about that?

Speaker 2 (19:02):
I thought it was amazing and life changing and I
don't know, I feel like I'm gonna have a lot
of wisdom as a person because I've had a lot
of life experiences. But Mels, I think she's did either
in her sixties or late fifties, and all of this
wisdom that she's providing in this book, for anyone who's
pretty young to read it would have a step ahead

(19:24):
in life. I feel what.

Speaker 1 (19:27):
Exactly what is the thesis of the let them theory?

Speaker 2 (19:30):
So pretty much let them so a lot of anxiety
and we automatically as humans want to control things, but
it's pretty much giving up the control and being like
let them or let whatever happens, and then you just
from there you say let me, and then you decide
to choose what to do.

Speaker 1 (19:53):
Yeah, I'm big on that. I'm big on that. I
forget if I talked about this in the podcast already,
but like you ever like I'll have a thing, I'll
have a I'll have a thing. Now I've made like
an intentional change to my thoughts where I'll be like,
you ever leave a social interaction? And I forget if

(20:16):
I said this on the podcast, all right, but who cares?
You ever leave a social interaction and you're like, oh, man,
I think I was kind of annoying or I think
I was I kind of they're probably talking shit about
me right now? Or you know, is that familiar feeling
to you?

Speaker 2 (20:34):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (20:34):
And now now I when I have that thought, I'm like, well,
so what who you know? Yeah, let them Well, who
gives a shit? Who cares if I'm annoying? It's fine?
You know who else was annoying? SpongeBob and everyone loves me?

Speaker 2 (20:51):
True? Oh, I'm actually part of this VA class called act,
which is like accept something.

Speaker 1 (21:00):
Accepting some commitment therapy.

Speaker 2 (21:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (21:04):
Yeah, that ship, Yeah, that ship feels really good. I've
like kind of just stumbled upon that, uh in my
own like just line of thinking. It feels great to
like let it, let it go and let you know, well, yeah,
especially if you're like making ship on the internet and

(21:26):
you I mean not even making shit. You don't even
have to make sure it if you use the internet,
or honestly, if you're a human being living life, you
just encounter so much like vitual fucking everywhere, and you
can't do anything except uh, accept that which you cannot control.

(21:47):
So I'm I'm I'm into that ship. I drink I'll
drink the metal Robins kool aid.

Speaker 2 (21:55):
I was speaking of spiritual ship. So me and my
husband are having conversation about this. What at what point
do you think consciousness consciousness comes into a body of
a person, Like is it when conception happens, or is
it when I don't know twenty five when it happens,
or at one point is a person like a conscious being?

Speaker 1 (22:20):
I have no idea. I don't even have any theories.
I think, uh, yeah, I have no idea. I think
that that's a thing that people just don't know. There
could be, you know what, There could be like a
an unseen dimension through which things like souls and consciousnesses travel.

(22:48):
I mean probably not, it's probably it's probably probably biological
shit to it.

Speaker 2 (22:56):
But well, I don't I feel like there definitely is
different different dimensions because I've been able to like disassociate
to where I can see myself having a conversation.

Speaker 1 (23:06):
Oh you've had an add of body experience, yes.

Speaker 2 (23:09):
And there has to be like different dimensions and stuff
because like everything was in slow motion and it was weird.

Speaker 1 (23:16):
Do are you from it? Do you know what dp
DR is, no, like de personalization, derealization. Yeah, it's like
a it's kind of like, yeah, like an out of
body experience, like a little bit what you're talking about.
And I think a lot of like mental illnesses are

(23:38):
like but this is coming from no research. This is
coming from just thinking about this shit.

Speaker 5 (23:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (23:44):
I have no form of any kind of academic background
except sitting in a lecture hall while Mission imp uh
while the professor play scenes from Mission Impossible when we
take notes on it. That's my academic background. But I
was thinking like, like, like mental illnesses are kind of

(24:04):
like uh, like defects in consciousness, you know, because I
don't think that like like like that, like do I
don't know if animals have I mean, humans are the
most conscious living things that we're at least at least
we're aware of on the planet Earth. And like I

(24:26):
don't know if dogs. I think dogs get like depressed
and anxious, but I don't I don't think that dog.
I don't know if there's any like schizophrenic dogs or
like if dogs ever have like depersonalization or out of
body experiences or psychosises. I think those are like unique.

Speaker 2 (24:49):
Not.

Speaker 1 (24:51):
Definitely dogs that have PTSD. Definitely, there's definitely like a
lot of human dog mental illnesses. Are the humans and
dogs definitely share a lot of that kind of shit.
But there there's some weird like things that happen in
like to humans that I think are like unique to
the level of consciousness that we have. And it's yeah,

(25:16):
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I
I consciousness just seems to be something that like naturally
evolved in some way. I don't know if there's a
spiritual element to it, but I think like mysticism and
spirit like the idea of an unseen dimension and whatnot,

(25:43):
could could be things that, uh, you can you can
start thinking about once we we hit the point where, uh,
science cannot explain certain things, but science can explain like
a kind of a hell of a lot.

Speaker 2 (25:59):
I think, Yeah, I think so too.

Speaker 5 (26:02):
Oh.

Speaker 2 (26:02):
Also, I wanted to mention last summer I took this
medical anthropology class, and from what I gathered in the
class is that every other country besides like the US,
they incorporate spirituality into their medical healing and we're the

(26:23):
only people who don't. And it's interesting because there's a
lot of placebo in these actual healings when test trials
are done, and it really shows the the power of
the mind and healing and believing that you're going to
be healed based on what's happening. Very interesting.

Speaker 1 (26:45):
Yeah, I know that, Like, like I know, I've heard
stories of like people who have cancer where it's like
you have, like there's there is some mind body connection
of like uh like fighting, you know, like like believing
that things will get better. That might be total fucking

(27:08):
complete pseudoscience bullshit, But this whole conversation may may absolutely
very well be pseudo scientific bullshit. But like, this.

Speaker 2 (27:22):
Is the type of shit I think about. Like I'm
walking down like I'm in school now, I'm walking down
the the courtyard and everyone has headbutts and I'm trying
to talk to people and have these thoughts about these
random ass univers things and just no connection for that.

Speaker 1 (27:47):
You said that they incorporates spiritual spirituality and like medical
situations places outside the US, Like do you have an.

Speaker 5 (27:57):
Example, Yes, they do do that, and no, not off
the top of my head, that's okay, horrible memory, that's right,
but it would tell you what if you ever come
across any class like that, highly recommend it.

Speaker 1 (28:14):
So you're having problems finding people who can connect with
you on all the existential shit that you want to
think about.

Speaker 2 (28:20):
And talk about, well, my husband's pretty great at talking
to me about it because we're pretty similar. But out
in like the real world, not really like at school,
I try to talk to people, but everyone has their
head budgeon and I wouldn't even realize that. I'm like, hey,
how are you doing? And then they just like walk

(28:42):
away from me, and I'm just like, I hope they
had had budgeton at least everyone else.

Speaker 1 (28:46):
Has them in Are you when you say that? Are
you like? Are these just people like all like walking
around this on the campus.

Speaker 2 (28:54):
I'm on campus in class, like everyone in my campus
like always has headbudgs.

Speaker 1 (29:00):
Or nobody nobody wants to talk to you.

Speaker 2 (29:04):
It doesn't seem like anybody talks to anybody in the
campus is always like really it's not active.

Speaker 1 (29:14):
Is it a major school?

Speaker 2 (29:16):
It's a CSU.

Speaker 1 (29:19):
CSU California State University.

Speaker 2 (29:23):
Yeah, I yes, that's big, but yeah, well not really
that many people. Well, also, a lot of classes right
now are getting canceled because there's not that many students,
and I've heard faculty talk about a lot of cuts.

Speaker 1 (29:40):
I was going to ask, have you been making friends
in school or like just in because you said you
didn't have any friends from back in Bakersfield? Do you
have new friends where you are now?

Speaker 2 (29:51):
Fine school? But I made some friends off of bumble
bsf Oh cool. Yeah, I've met a cool a bunch
of cool people. Off. There's funny. It feels kind of
like high school dating because I would like meet up
with these girls and we would like smoke in their
car and then we'd go to eat and then that
was a hangout?

Speaker 1 (30:12):
Is it? You know what I love? I'm twenty seven.
I mean we're basically we're, you know, late twenties. And
I love when I when I have like a social situation.
This happened to be kind of recently when I have
like a social situation where I'm like, oh, I never
thought I I thought I thought that I would never
do something like this again. Like I thought this was

(30:34):
like reserved for when you're in like high school and college,
you know, like when you're like like like when you're
like twenty seven and you're like, right, like you're twice
seven and you're like hanging out with like other people
around your age, getting high in a car or something,
and then you go like eat food. You're like, wholl

(30:56):
I didn't realize we could keep doing this.

Speaker 2 (30:59):
Well, that's a lovely part of being this age and
not having children. Right, yes, because a lot of people
I went to school with and like I didn't go
to my ten year reunion and actually canceled it because
not enough people bought tickets. But any who, a lot
of them are like parents of three by now, like
a lot of them are.

Speaker 4 (31:21):
Yeah, yeah, I mean I think that like like I
don't know, I I'm in the I'm not really actively,
but like I spent a lot of time.

Speaker 1 (31:34):
In like the comedy universe, and in the comedy universe,
Like it's interesting because you'll be like twenty one, going
to open mics and shit, and you'll just be hanging
out with like a thirty seven year old dude with
a wife and kids who's you know what. I like,
maybe his kids are like a tiny bit older and

(31:55):
what whatever, Like he's but he's out at the bar
doing the doing the comedy and you and him are
hanging out and drinking, and it's like, oh, I guess
you can keep living like I. I guess you can
keep living life as a mother or father without neglecting
your children. That you can still do shit.

Speaker 2 (32:17):
You know, I've never really witnessed that. All of the
people that I've seen that are like parents just go
home and watch TV after work.

Speaker 1 (32:30):
I think you know what it is is, I think,
what what do you live? I think it's a city thing. Yeah,
I think it's a city thing more than it is
like because I think if you're if you have like
kids in the suburbs, you're you're probably likely to live
like a suburban life. But yeah, I mean when I

(32:52):
was in like doing stand up in like Baltimore, Philly,
or you know, hanging around in New York, you know,
I would meet these people who were I mean shit,
I just went to Tijuana and I hung out with
shout out my homide Diego. I made it. I'm making
a video about it, which you will will see soon.
But he's a great example because he's, uh, this guy

(33:15):
hung out with Diego. I went to Tijuana to meet
up with him. He's like a break he organizes like
the break dance community in Tijuana, and he has a
young son, and it's like, you know, one night he's
bad he's badass, and I was hanging out with and
he has like, well, I see, I'm gonna I'm gonna

(33:37):
talk about that in the video. He's like, you know,
I hung out with him for a few days, and
you know, we go when we do the break dance battle,
and him and like the other dancers are like hanging
out drinking afterwards. But you know, everyone's like, you know,
early thirties, late twenties, and it's like, you know, then
the next morning we go out to eat, it's him

(33:59):
and his wife. If he brings his kid, you know,
he's fucking showing his kid, Bluey and playing with him
and talking to him, and it's like he's there. I'm
like I'm watching this guy, and I'm like, oh shit,
you can. You can be a dad and still have
a life, you know, I think, And yeah, I do
think that's a that's a city thing. I think, Yeah,

(34:23):
I do think that's like a city a thing.

Speaker 2 (34:26):
Because I remember I wanted to sign up for like
karate or some ship after school, and my mom was
always too busy with work anything. So I think it's
definitely a priorities thing too.

Speaker 1 (34:41):
Mm hmmm, mm hmmm. I mean it's well also it's
I guess, I guess ideally, and I don't want to
speak too much about these things because I don't have
kids yet, but I'm like, you know, but I'm I'm
thinking I think about these things a lot because I
I just I know myself and I know that, like
I just I love doing stuff and I'm probably gonna

(35:02):
want to like do stuff and live my life and
be you know, out and about and live in life
and whatever. Uh probably probably forever for a long time.
But I also want to have a kid, and I'm
trying to think about and then you know, I'm like,
I don't know if I can do that, And then

(35:22):
I meet people who do it, and I'm like, oh, okay,
there's a lot of different kinds of dads. And also look,
I mean there's two of you ideally, So it's like,
I guess arrangements could be made where it's like, hey,
you know, if you have your thing that you want
to do at this point in time, and the week

(35:43):
you go do it, I'll be home and then we'll
schedule out. This time is a great time. We can
all be together as a family. And you know, if
I have a thing I want to do, you you know,
it's it seems to be a figure outable thing.

Speaker 2 (35:57):
Yeah, totally. I feel so inspired now. I want to
be a parent, do some ship.

Speaker 1 (36:03):
Yeah, I mean don't. I mean I think some people ever,
like you can't just like abandon your kid to go
to Guatemala or whatever.

Speaker 2 (36:11):
But oh with them, with them, right right?

Speaker 1 (36:15):
I mean I had we had I do a yearly
trip with my friends from home and one of our
one of them has a kid. You know, he came
on the trip. It was just it was his first
his kids really young. It was his first time getting
to do some ship like that in like six months.

(36:36):
But a game. You know, he's able to do it.
He made it. He made it work.

Speaker 2 (36:41):
That's so cool.

Speaker 1 (36:45):
So what's your husband like do.

Speaker 2 (36:49):
He's a full time student and he pretty much hangs
out with me every day and we're pretty much like
So we both had like the same thing. We both
like got out of high school and then went into
the military really young, so we never had like our
college years and this is our college years. We're both

(37:12):
towards thirty and smoking weed every day, studying, playing video games,
and we have three dogs. We just hang out.

Speaker 1 (37:21):
Cool. Well you always, I mean, so your life is
already semi restricted in some sense that you have three dogs.

Speaker 2 (37:28):
God. Yeah, but we take them a lot of places too.

Speaker 1 (37:33):
They were cool. Great, there's a loaded question. Maybe it's
a person. Why do you feel depressed?

Speaker 2 (37:44):
One day last year, I remembered my childhood, so like
I was an alcoholic from like fourteen to like twenty
five when I met my husband and then so then
I was sober for a couple of years, and then
something clicked and I remembered everything. And it was crazy
because before that I didn't really remember my childhood, and

(38:06):
I thought I had a great childhood, perfect parents, and
then one day I realized that was a fantasy.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 2 (38:16):
But ever since then, well things picked up, Like I
got some antidepressants and I've never had more energy in
my life.

Speaker 1 (38:26):
Oh good.

Speaker 2 (38:28):
Like the other day I shredded like three boxes of
papers that needed to be shredded for like years, Like
I'm doing ship.

Speaker 1 (38:39):
Cool. What do you what can I ask what you're taking? Answer?
You're taking?

Speaker 2 (38:43):
So this semester. I think I'm taking jazz history and
what else?

Speaker 1 (38:50):
Oh no, I meant, I meant, I meant, I meant the.

Speaker 2 (38:53):
Meds oh Meds first with the deed. Do Alexaitene?

Speaker 1 (38:58):
I think do Lexatine?

Speaker 2 (39:04):
Uh yeah, I think so.

Speaker 5 (39:07):
Yeah, that one that's cool.

Speaker 1 (39:09):
Has it and it's been it's been good. It's given
you some energy.

Speaker 2 (39:13):
Yeah, energy, Like before I wasn't able to like take
a shower by myself, like my husband washed my hair
for me. But now I can do all that and
I'm great.

Speaker 1 (39:23):
It's wonderful. Congratulations, thank you, bro. It is It is crazy,
and I I know I don't shut the fuck up
about vibance on this podcast, but like it is great.
It is great to have. Taking prescription drugs is so
interesting because if you if you find the one that
works for you, you're just like, oh fuck, I didn't

(39:44):
realize I didn't realize that this was this didn't I
didn't realize that this didn't have to be the default
state of my brain forever.

Speaker 2 (39:52):
Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 1 (39:58):
Do you go to real therapy to talk about like
childhood shit?

Speaker 2 (40:02):
Oh yeah, I'm I guess like three sessions in but
the therapist hasn't even had a minute to talk. I
just keep on going on and.

Speaker 1 (40:08):
On and on. Has it been like helpful?

Speaker 2 (40:13):
Actually, you telling us that you journal and chat GPT
because I waited a year to get a consultation for
the therapist and so for the meantime I was doing
the chat GPT and journaling and that's been amazing.

Speaker 1 (40:29):
You know, dude, It's it's hard. It's hard because I
know it's a controversial subject. But like, but like fuck man,
like it's really good, you know, it is. Really it's like,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm I'm I'm sorry. If, by

(40:50):
the way, I don't I'm not endorsing anything. I just
say what I do. I just I'm just telling everyone
what I do, and if you want to do it,
then that's well. I'm just telling you what I do.
This is a speaking the fact of how I live
my life. If if it turns out that uh sam
Oltman is is using all of our uh depression trauma

(41:15):
dumps to build a robot that kills dogs, then that's
I'll find I'll find that out. At the same time
all of you do.

Speaker 2 (41:24):
Yeah, but we used to use LimeWire, like we're fearless.

Speaker 1 (41:31):
But yeah, it was really helpful. It's like my friend,
I have a friend who does it too, and he
he he actually came up with the he. I thought
it was really genius the way he described it. He
told me it felt like journaling squared.

Speaker 2 (41:48):
I do like that it has questions that asked you
to think about.

Speaker 1 (41:52):
Yeah, it's not and I don't think I'm not gonna
go on up whatever, but like it's it's fucking helpful
because it's like, you know, if I'm going insane at
three o'clock in the morning, like you know, it's it's it's, it's, it's,
it's there. And again, they might be using they might
be using all of our ship to train to create

(42:15):
a mass nuclear weapon, but I you know, that's that's
beyond me. I have no fucking idea mine anyway. I mean,
has real therapy been cool?

Speaker 2 (42:29):
I don't know. It's just me talking and then the
lady saying, all right, see you in two weeks for
more of the story. I guess it was like an intake,
but the intake's like three sessions long. M hm, Well,
I guess you taught me some grounding stuff that really helped.
Oh and then I've been doing somatic yoga. I have

(42:50):
never been attached to my body before, and it's crazy.
I was always very clumsy, not able to do things
with precision with my fingers, like I always dropped wrenches,
and now I'm able to actually feel my body. It's
really strange to be like disconnected from your body.

Speaker 1 (43:14):
What what what is the word somatic? Man?

Speaker 2 (43:19):
You'd have to google it. I don't remember, but I
know it's like a system in your body that needs
I guess, like regulation.

Speaker 1 (43:28):
Okay, that's cool. What is like somatic yoga? What do
you actually like do?

Speaker 2 (43:35):
It's just yoga stretches that last way longer and you
like breathe more breadths in between, and it just releases
tension that you have built up in your body.

Speaker 1 (43:47):
Cool. Cool, I like that. I'm sorry to hear. Well,
I don't know. Actually I don't know what I am
because you sound you sound like you sound like you're
on I mean, this is just a just a personal
observation from the forty three minutes that we've been talking.
But it sounds like you're on a upward trajectory.

Speaker 2 (44:11):
Oh yeah, things looking like I'm a homeowner. My car's
paid off. I'm not in school debt like I'm hanging out.
I just need to be in the moment and enjoy it.

Speaker 1 (44:24):
Yeah, I hope you've become less depressed.

Speaker 2 (44:27):
Thank you you as well.

Speaker 1 (44:29):
And I hope you. I hope you don't stop feeling
old because you know what, By the way, you know
what it is is I have something what helps me
feel not old is what is looking at people who
are actually old. Like like I was walking down I
was walking down the street in uh Manhattan yesterday and

(44:53):
I saw a dude must have been in like his
late fifties, and he had a backpack. You can be,
you can be in your life and I had a backpack.
And it's like me and this guy are both walking

(45:13):
through New York with a fucking backpack. You know what
I mean, Like you can do it. You can be
in your late fifties walking through a city with a
fucking backpack. I got like I got at least I'm
twenty seven. I have done in double the amount of
time I've been a lot. He's like he is a backpack.

(45:34):
Like I saw this. I swear to God, I saw
this guy. I don't know why I said, I swear
to God. As if I'm like describing seeing the lock
of Monster. But that is what it felt like for me.
I know, I'm actually, I'm actually serious. I saw this
fucking guy walking. He must have been fifty five years old,
that's me times two, and he was he was walking

(45:59):
down the street with a backpack, and he like looked
at his watch, and I was and I saw him,
and I was like, look at this guy. This guy's
double my age walking down the street with a backpack,
and he's got he's got places to be. He's alive.
He's not fucking dead. You know, he's he's he's living,
he's doing it. I don't know what he's on his

(46:20):
way to. He might be on his way to collapse
the agricultural industry or something, but he's he's living his life,
you know, he's he's there. So we're I think we
still got a lot more time left to you know,
we can. We can hang out with people our age

(46:41):
and get high in cars for a good fifty three
more years probably.

Speaker 2 (46:47):
Yeah, it's so funny. My grandpa, he's like, I forgot
how old he is. He was born in thirty eight.
I can't do math right now. He cuts his grass
like every other day because he's so bored and he's
just out there making his own I guess jobs to
do by fucking up his house. Like one day he

(47:11):
went to go clean the inside glass of the oven door,
the glass that you're not supposed to get in between,
and he sucked up his whole oven and he made
a whole new project to install a new one.

Speaker 1 (47:26):
Yeah, he's just bored. But you don't have to live
that way. Like I think, like like growing up, like
you say, like when I look up, like my my,
my dad hasn't been where I don't know. You know
why I focus on the backpack thing is because I
just a backpack is just such a A backpack is

(47:48):
a young man's game. You know. When I saw this
older guy with a backpack, I was like, that's crazy.
This is fucking like my what my dad was. My
dad's in his sixties. He's not walking on the side.
I'd walk with a backpack, but here's this guys in
the sixties he's walking. Yeah. I always yeah, right, I
always imagine like once you pass the I was like,

(48:09):
once you pass a certain age, it's all briefcases, no backpacks.
But it's like you can do it. You can, you can,
you can't. You don't have to age out of the backpack, right.

Speaker 2 (48:19):
It's like like the other day asking my husband like,
are we like really adults, Like we're twenty nine? We're well,
I'm twenty nine and homeowners, Like this is like what
it is to be an adult, Like that's crazy to
things like when I was a child, my parent is

(48:39):
twenty nine, Like that's just so crazy. They were so immature, right,
and they were in charge of people's lives.

Speaker 1 (48:48):
I think you, I think once you get to a
certain age, you realize that adulthood is somewhat of.

Speaker 2 (48:52):
A myth, anti clematic.

Speaker 1 (48:56):
It's anti climatic. You die not ever knowing the answers
to any thing. I think. I I think I've determined that.

Speaker 2 (49:04):
Oh yeah, seriously, it's anti climatic. And people talk it
up too much, like they need to take take it away.
I still don't even understand what it is to be
an adult, Like I don't feel like one, but clearly
I am one. Maybe it's imposter syndrome.

Speaker 1 (49:22):
I don't know, what's your name again?

Speaker 2 (49:30):
Said you wanted to stop?

Speaker 1 (49:33):
Yeah, Erica, Okay. I really enjoyed having this conversation with you.

Speaker 6 (49:39):
This was fun, Yeah, a great same.

Speaker 1 (49:45):
Let's see, is there anything else you want to talk
about before we go? Or you do? Do you think
we you think we covered all the bases, we can
keep on going.

Speaker 2 (49:55):
But I forgot so I have been self isolating, and
I made plans tonight and I'm gonna keep them and
actually go instead of cancel.

Speaker 1 (50:06):
Oh please do?

Speaker 2 (50:07):
Yes your plans for callers?

Speaker 1 (50:15):
What are the plans?

Speaker 2 (50:18):
Going to eat Mexican food with?

Speaker 1 (50:21):
Who?

Speaker 2 (50:22):
With a girl from BUMBLEBSF Cool?

Speaker 1 (50:25):
Well, I'm surprised you've been self isolating because you strike
me as like an extroverted person. If you're like walking
around the campus trying to talk to people, I'm trying.

Speaker 2 (50:38):
To be extroverted just to help out, you know.

Speaker 1 (50:43):
Well, good, I'm glad you're Yeah, self isolating is bad.

Speaker 2 (50:49):
Yes, already, Well thank.

Speaker 1 (50:51):
You going, we'll drive you insane. You know that guy
Brian Johnson, No, well, there's like a this is this guy.
He's trying to live forever. But and the way he
and the way and I think I heard him say
some shit like I get at least thirty minutes of
social social activity every day, Like it's like uh, like

(51:14):
calculated and shit, you know, it's important to not die.

Speaker 2 (51:19):
He should stream this.

Speaker 1 (51:21):
He probably is. I don't know. I shouldn't. I shouldn't
even bring him up because I actually don't know anything
really that much about him. But I hope you enjoy
your Mexican food.

Speaker 2 (51:30):
Erica, thank you?

Speaker 1 (51:32):
Okay, anything else you want to say to the people
of the computer.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
Before we go, and keep your plans. Everybody get outside.

Speaker 1 (51:39):
Beautiful, good luck Erica, Thank you, bye bye. I really
enjoyed talking her. That was nice. That was cool. Keep
keep keep living life, keep doing things.

Speaker 3 (51:57):
Thanks for calling, man, thanks for picking up. You get
a chance to read it.

Speaker 1 (52:03):
No, what's your name? What's what's what's up?

Speaker 3 (52:05):
Uh yeah, yeah, okay, I'm gonna go by otter.

Speaker 2 (52:12):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (52:12):
I haven't prepared anything. Uh but I wanted to call
in today because my life has been pretty crazy since
uh you know, maybe the last few years, and some
of that craziness has helped me kind of like blossom
as an adult and like my life has ended up

(52:35):
being pretty good and uh man, but I guess I
can start so you know my Oh gosh, I'm like
kind of nervous.

Speaker 5 (52:49):
Man.

Speaker 3 (52:50):
I know there is low stakes and all damn talking
to the therapy get go. Are you still there?

Speaker 1 (52:57):
It's yeah, talking to the therapy get is about as
low stakes as it sounds.

Speaker 3 (53:03):
I know, man, So yeah, I you know, growing up,
you know, Okay, I guess for reference, let me give
you the two long TLDR. Here. I'm thirty one now,
and I, you know, very recently just got my life

(53:24):
together a little bit. I you know, haven't been in
a lot of relationships. You know, was very shy, and
you know, I basically lost my virginity at age twenty nine.
And yeah, yeah, and you know it. I I've moved

(53:45):
in with girlfriends and I've been with her now for
over a year. So the thing that kind of led
me here is so growing up, I was very shy.
I was like kind of afraid of to talk to women,
which sounds weird, but like, you know, it was just
a thing that you know, felt very unnatural to me,

(54:08):
and I took a lot of practice to kind of,
you know, do this. And I also worked really intense
like jobs at startups. I'm like a software engineer, and
like I was working my ass off, and I really
didn't have a lot of time to socialize in college
or when I graduated, and then fucking COVID happened, and

(54:33):
that was even like fewer opportunities to hang out with
people and talk, and like, dude, I just like started
to develop like the worst anxiety and like just kind
of just feelings of loneliness and you know, spending a
lot of time alone, I started to develop like really

(54:55):
bad and Sammie and Ship and and then the real
kicker is in twenty twenty two. Winter of twenty twenty two,
my mom was diagnosed with cancer and she ended up

(55:17):
passing eleven months later. And honestly, it was like the
hardest thing that I had ever been through. You know,
I had moved home from COVID, and then while my
mom was sick, I you know, stayed home and helped
care for her. So it was just really like not

(55:40):
a good place, man. I.

Speaker 2 (55:41):
I I.

Speaker 3 (55:44):
Was very alone, and I was dealing with, you know,
the trauma of caring for this my very sick mother.
And you know, after she passed, I finally moved, you
know out of my family's house after like two years
of living there, and you know, I basically entered a

(56:07):
very dark depression because you know, I had been very
reliant on family for those past two years, and I
ended up moving alone and now I'm like alone with
four walls around me, and basically, you know, I am
I'm dealing with all this trauma that I had experienced

(56:30):
over the last year. I ended up having lots of problems,
and like maybe a few months into it, like I
just just like realized, like I don't want to kill
myself right now, but if I don't do anything, I'm
probably gonna want to kill myself. So I ended up
like calling the doctor's office and being like, Hi, I'm

(56:54):
very depressed and I can't sleep, Please help me. And
from that I ended up going to like actually therapy,
uh and I ended up starting on like lexicro and
uh man, that did a lot for me, you know,
really just like kind of like overnight, like I started

(57:15):
to feel a lot better than shit. I you know,
ended up being able to sleep more, ended up like
just not feeling like there was a gorilla on my
back all the time, and I was able to like
just like start enjoying my life again. And by the way,

(57:37):
still a virgin at this time. Still dating is out
of the question. But like you know, I was always
really big into the gym, and I started taking it
even more seriously, and like, you know, in a past episode,
you know, you kept talking about how you don't believe,
Like I think you corrected yourself, but you were like, oh,
I don't believe theta of your future self, And like

(58:00):
when I moved that, I was like, dude, that can't be,
Like that is so untrue because like, you know, obviously
what you're doing, you want to be authentic, you know
what I mean, You want to be authentic to yourself.
But like, I really think you can be authentic to
yourself and be like that's the kind of person I
want to be, and then go out and achieve it,
you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (58:20):
You know it's I'm actually I just want to say,
I'm so glad that you heard me say that and
vehemently disagreed with it, because well, the I don't I'm
not going to go on a long philosophical rant because
I want to let you finish your story. But I
think in the grand like there's you know what it is,

(58:43):
there's like lenses through which you can say that there
is no future self and that time is flat and
blah blah blah blah, blah whatever, But we don't really
live in that lens. We live in normal ass human life,
and in normalized human life. I do agree there is
a future self. I've come around to the fact that

(59:05):
there is absolutely a future self. So I'm I'm with
you on that.

Speaker 3 (59:10):
Okay, okay, yeah, because I don't know. I somehow like
pulling out of this dark depression and going to the
gym more and like being more social really led me
to this like place in my life where I felt
like I was ready to start like finding someone to like,

(59:30):
you know, uh, find someone who loves me and I
love that, you know, and you know, I It was
really weird, like I went from like basically being like
my quote unquote old self and then in like one
week I did this. I went on I went to

(59:51):
speed dating. Of all things, I went to a speed
dating event, and at the same time, I also like
decided to ask the number of this woman at like
a tropical smoothie cafe who's pretty hot and seemed pretty cool,
and like both of those like extreme. It's like, you know,
relatively extreme things for me kind of like busted me

(01:00:12):
out of my shell. I downloaded the apps and I
was like like, I know the apps can be kind
of shitty, but like what a time to be alive, right,
Like you can just meet people. And I ended up
like literally going on at least one date per week
and usually two dates per week for about three months.

(01:00:34):
And like no, and like I don't think I'm a
particularly good looking guy, but like, you know, if you
have a good profile and you like you know, you know,
show other people you give a fuck, you know, shit can.

Speaker 1 (01:00:50):
Happen, you know, beautiful.

Speaker 3 (01:00:53):
Yeah, and like I ended up finding someone. It didn't
work out with them for very long. It was like
a pretty crappy you know, three months, but no, it
wasn't crappy. It was my first relationship. I ended up
losing my V card. But yeah, I mean it ended
up being like the right experience I needed to go

(01:01:14):
and find something more serious. But yeah, I mean I've
been with this lady now for uh well, like you know,
almost like a year and a half.

Speaker 2 (01:01:23):
Now.

Speaker 3 (01:01:24):
I moved with her. Yeah, I moved in with her.
And like, you know, just as a PSA for anybody,
you know, if you're ever going through something like incredibly hard,
like you know, lewising someone you're caring about or you
know someone who is ill. You know, even if you
feel like you're you got this gorilla on your back,

(01:01:46):
you know you can always life can open up in
ways that you don't expect, and things can change really
really fast.

Speaker 1 (01:01:57):
I love a good I love a good life. That's amazing.
That's wonderful. Yeah, man, that's so cool. And so you're
you're thirty one now, right?

Speaker 3 (01:02:08):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
Okay cool? And so I mean, what do you think
it is?

Speaker 5 (01:02:14):
Right?

Speaker 1 (01:02:14):
Was it like the was it like the therapy? Was it?
The pills? Was it? The combinator? The gym? Was it?
And an amalagam of a million different things? Like how
do you how do you explain it?

Speaker 4 (01:02:25):
You know?

Speaker 3 (01:02:26):
The way I think about it is, you know, sometimes
you need to hit kind of like a rock bottom
in order to climb totally. And like I kind of
felt that I had hit my own rock bottom and
like just the suckiness of like losing my mom and

(01:02:47):
uh and like you know that time alone after because
like I had been living at home for two years
and just like being alone again was just such a
fucked up saying after like you know, uh, caring for
my mother and like that rock bottom allowed me to climb,

(01:03:11):
and like, honestly, I've been like kind of riding that
high since and I, you know, like, sure, I still
have some shitty days. Sure, I like have some dark
moments here or there, but like, excuse me, you know,
I still kind of feel like I'm riding that high.

Speaker 1 (01:03:30):
I I guess you know what's funny is back to
the conversation about the future self is uh, and is
like I used to also believe it, yeah again, that
there was no future self, But I lately have been
feeling the best I've been feeling in a long time.
And I always kind of hear that I appreciate you

(01:03:52):
saying that, and I always, I always fucking knew I
would get there. I always knew I would get there.
And then I would read all the fucking philosophical bullshit
about how there is no there and there is no
future self, and I know what it means. I get it,
and who knows how long we're gonna, you know, be
feeling like this, But yeah, man, no, I feel my

(01:04:15):
life feels very different mentally than it has in the past.

Speaker 3 (01:04:21):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (01:04:21):
You know then it did like uh one, two, three,
four years ago, and I am I am the future self.
I'm the future self. By definition, it's true, and so
I don't know. But I don't know. I haven't I
haven't lived long enough to have asked me again when

(01:04:43):
I'm eighty, if I'm lucky enough to make it to eighty,
if I believe in a future self, or I believe
in it there, because who knows. I mean, it's a grand,
crazy roller coaster and you never know what the fuck
each day could bring. So I don't know, but I'm
happy for you that you feel good, and yeah, it's great,
it's great. I don't know. The more the more I

(01:05:05):
I live my life and go through ups and downs
and talk to other people about it, the more I
just I just don't know. But what do you? Yeah,
you can ask me whatever you want.

Speaker 3 (01:05:17):
Uh, sorry, I'm totally changing gears.

Speaker 1 (01:05:19):
Go ahead.

Speaker 3 (01:05:21):
I was gonna say, uh, what is your favorite thing
at Taco Bell right now?

Speaker 1 (01:05:26):
My favorite thing at Taco Bell right right now. I'm
trying to avoid Taco Bell, But if I were there
right now, I would probably just get like a like
a beef a seven layer beef burrito thing. I think
that's what it is. I don't know how many layers
there are exactly, but get like a beef yeah, like

(01:05:47):
a little beef burrito, maybe a couple of doritos locos tacos.

Speaker 3 (01:05:52):
Oh yeah, okay, yeah nice.

Speaker 2 (01:05:57):
Hm hmmmm.

Speaker 3 (01:05:58):
I'm glad you're feeling bout or you still feel like
you're in that existential mode or have you.

Speaker 1 (01:06:06):
It comes in and out, but it's I'm I'm I'm
out of it. I'm out of it and I feel
better than you have. Hell yeah, part of it was
uh yeah, uh taking pills and a lot of I
don't I mean, it's a lot of stuff. It's really
a lot of stuff. But m yeah, I mean it's
it's been great. So we're just a couple. We're just

(01:06:27):
a couple of a couple of dudes living their best
livest or are you excited about the future? Do you
have plans?

Speaker 2 (01:06:37):
You know?

Speaker 3 (01:06:37):
I I am excited about the future. I don't really
have like plans per se. I mean, hopefully I can
marry this lady. I mean I'd like to have a
family one day. Yeah, and like I don't feel like
particularly rushed to do that, Like I don't know, I'm

(01:06:58):
thirty one, so like I don't want my wait forever.
But like you know, maybe in the next three to
five years sounds good to me. Cool, but yeah, I
mean I am a lot more excited about the future.
Like I don't know, like before I was able to

(01:07:20):
like date and like talk to women and like still
hadn't lost my v card. I kind of always have
this like nagging thrab inside of me that like, oh god,
that's just that's something I got to figure out. And like,
I definitely feel like I've cracked that nut now and
I just like, you know, I just feel like an

(01:07:42):
eternal sense of like relief.

Speaker 1 (01:07:46):
About wonderful. Yeah, that's great, that's great, And I really
genuinely I appreciate you sharing this because I know there's
a lot of people who, you know, have had struggles
in that department for what they believed to be an
embarrassingly long amount of time. And uh, I think for
someone to be able to hear your story and be like, well,

(01:08:08):
you know, there's a light at the end of the
tunnel for me, even if I've been feeling a certain
way about myself for for my whole life, I mean,
I think that's that's great. I love a story like that.

Speaker 3 (01:08:21):
Yeah, And like, oh man, I hope I like I
don't sound like one of those like fucking black pilled
in cell people, because I'm.

Speaker 1 (01:08:29):
Like, you're the opposite of the black pills you think I'm.

Speaker 3 (01:08:36):
I mean, well, I was gonna say, like, yeah, I
couldn't get any pussy, but like I knew, deep down
it was my fault, you know what I mean. I
knew there was like my doing and not like you know,
you know the rest of the world around me. It
was it was my own thing.

Speaker 1 (01:08:54):
Yeah, well, well you're you're you're the opposite of black pill,
because the black pill is the complete, I mean, the
black pill's death. It's complete succession of any glimmer of
hope that there is any agency left or any hope
left for you in your life, and you're the opposite.

(01:09:19):
You're continuing to push forward, like like if you like,
if you're you know, whatever, if you're not good with
talking to women or or even really anything about your
life that you're unsatisfied with, but you're kind of like, uh,
fighting making progress or even just fighting even just holding

(01:09:40):
onto some hope that some things will are are are malleable,
and that you're you're able to change and that a
future self exists. Then yeah, you're out of the the
black pilt. The black pill is again a complete what
because I I don't know, I've been I've been on
a I've been just thinking about this myself and like

(01:10:01):
talking to friends about it of like the internal being
a reflection of the external, and I don't it's not
a complete theory, but I think there is a lot
of truth to it, because like if you're on man,
if you're on Reddit and you're like talking about how

(01:10:22):
you suck and you're horrible, and you know you have
this thing and that thing happened to you, and you
have this thing about you or your life for the
world that makes it so that you're never be happy,
then it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I think, yeah,
And even look, man, because that's the thing, right, even

(01:10:43):
if you're like twenty nine and a virgin, if you
have the fucking right because you're twenty when you're twenty
nine and you're a virgin, and you have the thing
to be like, hey, look, I believe if I put
myself out on the dating apps and I put together
a presentable digital version of myself and I learn how

(01:11:08):
to talk to people, and I believe you know, look,
it's I have twenty nine years of pretty bad data.
You know, I have twenty nine years of data that's
telling me. I have twenty nine years of data that
I could easily interpret to mean that I suck and
I'm never gonna find happiness. And that's the easy thing

(01:11:30):
to do with that twenty nine years of data. But
to take that twenty nine years of data and go, Okay,
that's what that was, but doesn't have to be what
is forever. And then because you have that internal belief,
you take the external action of going on the fucking
dates and putting yourself out there. You're like, you don't
have you're right, because if you believe that nothing good

(01:11:51):
would ever happen, you'd take no shots, you know what
I mean? And so because you it's so because you
believe you took the shots and things worked out you. So,
I don't know if I believe necessarily that, like I mean, actually,
you know what, fuck it, I kind of do believe that,
like in like manifestation in a sense of like what
you believe about like like you're I like, dude, I

(01:12:13):
hate I hate saying it because it just sounds so
like it when woo when it sound, dude, it sounds
woo woo, but it's like so logical when you break
it down, it sounds it sounds like a business success.
Instagram picture of the sky. Your only limit is your imagination.
But when you but when you but no, no, but

(01:12:35):
but but when you think about it, it's it's right,
it's logical. Your brain, how you think about the world
affects how you make how you act within it, and
then how you act within it is affects your external reality.
So it makes logical sense. It's not just like some
some wooo bullshit.

Speaker 3 (01:12:56):
And even if it feels like extremely unnatural at first
to go and be that unnaturally positive and like believe
these things like it comes with time, you know what
I mean. And like I don't think that's necessarily being
like not authentic or being like a douchebag or not no,
not like it's it's very much like you know, having hope,

(01:13:21):
having hope in the system, you know.

Speaker 1 (01:13:24):
Also especially with something like especially with something like dating
right where it's like you only need one you know,
like because look, right, if you're like five to two
and you're like and if you're five, if you're on Reddit,
and you're five to two and you're like, most women
don't want to date a five to two guy. You're

(01:13:46):
here's a you're right, but that does you're right, But
that doesn't mean that you're never going to be able
to find someone, you know what I mean, because you don't.
You don't mean most women or most You don't need
most people in any situation, in any situation in life.
You don't need most people to do anything. And in

(01:14:08):
this particular situation, you only need one of the eighty
the inch of the infinite of them.

Speaker 3 (01:14:14):
You know, And like everybody's got something that isn't like
traditionally attractive, you know what I mean, like everybody, and
like at the end of the day, it's all about
just like you know, taking care of yourself, making other
people feel special, like being confident, and that's it.

Speaker 1 (01:14:34):
What's your name again, Otter?

Speaker 3 (01:14:36):
Otter? Yeah, I'm going by Otter. I go by sneaky
otter sometimes sneaky Otter.

Speaker 1 (01:14:44):
Yeah, sneaky otter. Well thanks for sharing this with this
sneaky outter. I'm very I love I like I said,
I love. I love a good story of turning it around.
That's my favorite thing. So I appreciate you sharing that is.
Is there anything else you want to say to the
people of the computer before we go?

Speaker 3 (01:15:01):
Uh pus stored in the Balls Rock and Roll later
on Man Alive.

Speaker 1 (01:15:08):
I feel like I've had to I feel like I've
talked about this bullshit on my podcast a lot. But like, yeah,
I do. I do believe in the sense that the
the internal is the reflection of the external. And that's
not a again, it's not a rejection of empirical fact,

(01:15:29):
you know what I mean? Because I like, how do
I like if you like a lot like people being like, oh,
people only care about looks, and it's like, yes, that's true,
but it doesn't You're you're using how do I say this,

(01:15:53):
You're looking at the data in the least favorable There's
every every data set that that you can look at
you can find a positive interpretation of it. I think
maybe not every data set, maybe not one about uh,

(01:16:17):
maybe not every data set. Okay, I'm gonna stop talking.
That's I'm gonna stop talking. Hello. Hello, Hey, what's your name? Hello?

Speaker 6 (01:16:30):
Hello?

Speaker 1 (01:16:31):
Hi, Hi, what's your name? My name is Chris, Chris,
what's up, Chris?

Speaker 6 (01:16:38):
Not much? I'm going to a basement show tonight.

Speaker 1 (01:16:42):
Ooh who you seeing?

Speaker 2 (01:16:45):
Uh?

Speaker 6 (01:16:46):
I don't know. I live in like kind of like
butt fuck, not quite butt fuck nowhere Wisconsin. There's like
forty thousand some or no, there's like seventy some seventy
thousand people in my town. So like it's kind of
just like bands from Wisconsin the area.

Speaker 1 (01:17:01):
That sounds awesome. I love that shit. How are you like?
Do you play music?

Speaker 6 (01:17:09):
No? Not myself. I mean I did like band in
high school.

Speaker 1 (01:17:12):
But do you No, I don't, but I love I
like that kind of I love what do you? What
is it like ten dollars to get in?

Speaker 6 (01:17:24):
It's like five bucks here?

Speaker 5 (01:17:25):
Oh?

Speaker 1 (01:17:26):
Are you gonna have fun? Is it like at someone's house? Yeah?

Speaker 6 (01:17:30):
Yeah, it's called uh maybe some people like recognize this.
It's called Graham Jams. This is an oh Claire, Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 (01:17:40):
Oh Claire, Wisconsin. Graham Jams. That sounds fucking cool. How'd
you is your first time going? Yeah?

Speaker 6 (01:17:46):
Yeah, I had a buddy. You told me about it,
and I've always been busy with like work in school
and stuff. Uh, but now now I got the time.

Speaker 1 (01:17:55):
Cool? Are you Are you going with your buddy? You're
going alone?

Speaker 6 (01:18:00):
Yeah, I'm going with that buddy. I'm gonna meet him there,
and then I have somebody from work coming to join me,
too cool.

Speaker 1 (01:18:07):
Are you still in school?

Speaker 3 (01:18:10):
Yeah?

Speaker 6 (01:18:11):
Yeah, has that going going for a psychology?

Speaker 1 (01:18:15):
Oh that'll be fun, that'll be fun. Well are you
trying to be Are you trying to be a therapist? Yeah?

Speaker 6 (01:18:26):
Yeah, I mean I talked. I talked to you about this,
like I don't know, maybe like a month ago.

Speaker 1 (01:18:30):
Actually, oh you are we called? You talked to me already.

Speaker 6 (01:18:34):
Yeah. Yeah, you just give me if you want, well.

Speaker 1 (01:18:38):
Hold on, hold on, all right, hold on. You have
some well you're.

Speaker 6 (01:18:43):
You're like, oh I talk give me the next guy.

Speaker 1 (01:18:47):
You have some confidence in yourself. Chris, goddamn, what did
we talk about? When did we talk?

Speaker 3 (01:18:54):
Uh?

Speaker 6 (01:18:54):
I don't remember. I like, well, I don't remember much
of it. I remember, like I remember like asking you.
I was like, I was like, when was the last
time you had sex? And You're like, when was the
last time you had sex?

Speaker 1 (01:19:08):
Collar?

Speaker 6 (01:19:10):
That's like that's the one thing I remember.

Speaker 1 (01:19:17):
Okay, Well, why'd you call in again?

Speaker 2 (01:19:22):
Uh?

Speaker 6 (01:19:24):
I just thought you were doing it, you know.

Speaker 1 (01:19:26):
Okay, what do you want to do with the what
do you want to do with the time we have
left on this phone call.

Speaker 6 (01:19:34):
Fuck, I don't know, man, I just wanted to tell
you about that. I thought you'd think it was cool.

Speaker 1 (01:19:39):
It was like and and and Chris. Huh, you were right.
I do think it's cool. I think it's very cool.
I like that ship.

Speaker 6 (01:19:48):
Yeah, man, yeah, I had Uh. I just did ah
fucking two week army training. Dude, I shot like machine
guns and ship.

Speaker 1 (01:19:58):
Are you going into the army?

Speaker 6 (01:20:00):
I already am in the army? I do like National
Guard like a weekend a month's type shit.

Speaker 1 (01:20:06):
Wow, yeah, man, damn do you think you're gonna have yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:20:11):
Right?

Speaker 1 (01:20:11):
Do you think you're gonna have.

Speaker 6 (01:20:12):
To go to nup the machine gun on top of
the truck, drive that shit around, shoot ship, you know,
like shoot buildings, shoot fucking targets, blow shit up.

Speaker 1 (01:20:23):
Where did they do this? This must be in like
a remote area.

Speaker 2 (01:20:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (01:20:28):
So I'm not gonna name like the installation that I
do it on, but ninety percent of like army and
like Air Force installations and forts camps whatever, they have
like huge spaces of like woods and like shooting ranges
and stuff to do that shit cool?

Speaker 1 (01:20:47):
What did you did it make? You feel powerful to
shoot a machine gun from the top of a truck.

Speaker 6 (01:20:53):
Okay, the dog shit part of the army, right, Like
most people go in there, like, dude, shooting machine guns
is gonna be so fucking fun. But the army like
sucks all the enjoyment out of it. How Like, Okay,
So there's so many people that have to go right,
and it's always planned. The army plans nothing well at all,

(01:21:17):
dog like. So you're sitting there just waiting all fucking
day to shoot, and by the time you get out there,
it's so late, you're so tired, it's so fucking hot
at you know, and there's so much like shit you
gotta do for to be like safe, like compared to
like if I were to just like shoot a machine
gun like you know, in the in the woods like

(01:21:40):
in the country or some shit, it's so much worse.
Plus you have to well it's not even like you're
just shooting it to like practice. It's like you have
to shoot this many targets this fast. It fucking sucks. Man.

Speaker 1 (01:21:54):
Huh, Well, I don't you know, Chris, honestly, to give
you a counterpoint, I don't think shooting a gun should
be that fun.

Speaker 6 (01:22:07):
What do you mean, man, you you don't want to like, well,
you're gonna be drafted to go to Iran here in
like a week.

Speaker 1 (01:22:14):
They're not gonna hold on, hold, they're not gonna draft me.
They're not gonna. I promise you, I will dodge that draft.
I promise you.

Speaker 6 (01:22:24):
You could just say you're you can just say you're tran.
It's pretty good.

Speaker 1 (01:22:28):
Oh I don't even have to do that. I'll just
show them my blood work and they'll be like, you
eat too much cotton candy for us to send you,
uh to the Middle East.

Speaker 6 (01:22:37):
No, man, trust me. They have like cut down the
restrictions on like uh weight and health stuff so much
that they don't give a fuck about that. Really you
have to be like very unhealthy, like extraordinarily.

Speaker 1 (01:22:54):
But I don't know, I feel like they're looking for
like young young boys. I'm like they're looking for like
eighteen year olds.

Speaker 6 (01:23:01):
I think it's up to like thirty. I think the
draft goes up to like fucking thirty or some shit.

Speaker 1 (01:23:08):
Do you think we're gonna do that? You think we're
gonna do it like we're gonna do like a whole draft.

Speaker 6 (01:23:13):
No, No, I don't even think there's going to be
like a war, but like, you know, next Therapy Get
Go podcast is gonna be hosted from a POW camp
and outside of tront.

Speaker 1 (01:23:25):
That would be crazy if that's if I transitioned into
covering wars.

Speaker 6 (01:23:31):
No, you would be you would be a prisoner and
said POW camp. You know, oh shit, like you know
you're how you like went to Mexico and shit, you
like interview people on the streets, like interview other prisoners
of war.

Speaker 1 (01:23:45):
Being a gecko, being a gecko at a POW camp. Yeah,
you know what's funny is.

Speaker 6 (01:23:54):
Uh geto during like World War two or something.

Speaker 1 (01:23:57):
I live in such childlike I live in such childlike
naivete because when I think of POW I think of
the block from Mario more so than a prisoner of
war camp.

Speaker 6 (01:24:16):
Yeah. Yeah, no, that's that's totally fair. I often think
in fucking video game and TikTok terminology, you can't say
shit to me without me making a TikTok reference.

Speaker 1 (01:24:29):
You know, I know I said earlier that shooting a
gun shouldn't be fun, but the most fun video games
on the planet are about killing people with guns, and
they're extremely fun. So by doing it in But you know,
killing people with guns in video games is really fun.
By killing people with guns in real life sounds horrific.

(01:24:49):
I don't think that should be fun at all.

Speaker 6 (01:24:52):
I mean, there's there's definitely people who who enjoy it.
I mean, not that many. I don't think. I don't
think many many people in the military enjoy enjoy killing.

Speaker 1 (01:25:05):
There's got to be a few, there's definitely a few.

Speaker 6 (01:25:09):
But like Tom.

Speaker 1 (01:25:10):
Enjoyed, do you want you do you have a lust
for blood? Chris?

Speaker 6 (01:25:16):
No, man, I do this ship for the bennies.

Speaker 1 (01:25:18):
The benefits Are you gonna punch someone in the face
in the mosh pit? Tonight?

Speaker 2 (01:25:25):
No?

Speaker 6 (01:25:25):
I'm I'm weak and frail and twinkish. I have a
girlish figure, so real, skinny guy.

Speaker 1 (01:25:39):
You know. I feel like, actually, this was a good
phone call. Yeah yeah, I think like, no, no, this
was perfect. This was a perfect way to end this.

Speaker 6 (01:25:51):
Well, talking about like the Get Go Pow camp and
like killing people.

Speaker 1 (01:25:56):
No, just you know, don't we don't have to think
about it too much. I think we can just I
just intuitively believe this was a good way to end
the podcast today.

Speaker 6 (01:26:06):
Yeah. Yeah, oh shit, I'm the I'm.

Speaker 1 (01:26:08):
The last one, man, You're the last one. Wow.

Speaker 6 (01:26:12):
I saw that it was like an hour Like I
always get these like notifications from your Instagram story. That's
how I find out. I saw it was like this
is an hour ago. I was like, yeah, I'm not
I'm not getting into.

Speaker 1 (01:26:23):
This, Chris, What's up? Is there anything else you want
to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Speaker 6 (01:26:31):
And whatever?

Speaker 2 (01:26:32):
You do?

Speaker 6 (01:26:34):
Go out and find shit to do, like even me,
Like I work and go to school all the fucking time.
But I promised you there's like shit to do somewhere something.
Unless you live in like the middle of nowhere, I
think are fucked.

Speaker 1 (01:26:47):
But like, don't you live hold on, wait, don't you
live in the middle of nowhere? Isn't that what you
were just saying?

Speaker 6 (01:26:52):
Okay, compared to like I don't know, like big cities
like Minneapolis, New York, Philly, shit like that. Oh Claire
is some some people in the in those bigger cities
think it's pretty small.

Speaker 1 (01:27:05):
But I like the sentiment though, I like, I think
it's good to do things.

Speaker 6 (01:27:14):
Yeah, yeah not because otherwise, like I just fucking hate
everything and I'm just like a robot. I just like
go make money and then spend money on school. You
know you gotta spend money on like other ships, like
fucking video games and basement shows.

Speaker 1 (01:27:33):
I like your ethos, Chris. I hope you have a
fun time at this basement show. I don't know why
I said it that, like Mike Tyson just now. I
think it's because I almost burned. Okay, okay, I think
I think I think this was good. I hope you
enjoy this basement show. And again you were right. I
do think it's cool. I think it's very cool. I
like doing shit. I like hearing about cheap, cool shit

(01:27:57):
existing in places outside of major cities. And I am
very happy that you relaid this information not only to me,
but to the listeners.

Speaker 6 (01:28:08):
I know, man, Yeah, if you guys can, can fucking
make it to this city in one hour and figure
out'll it'll.

Speaker 1 (01:28:20):
This will be by the time I post this, it'll
be the show. Beal.

Speaker 6 (01:28:23):
Now there's the guys listening to the to the live
stream and ship. Oh sure, I guarantee none of them
even live in Wisconsin. But you know you don't know that.

Speaker 1 (01:28:32):
You don't know anything, Chris. You cannot assume a single
thing about anything that you even even the things you
know you must be skeptical of.

Speaker 6 (01:28:43):
No, I'm you know, people who are stupid and gullible
are like pretty happy if you notice that.

Speaker 1 (01:28:48):
So I have noticed that.

Speaker 6 (01:28:50):
I'm trying to live a little bit like that, you know,
and I'm pretty happy. So there you go.

Speaker 1 (01:28:55):
Okay, in that case, believe everything you hear, be skeptical
of nothing, and and you'll be happier. That is a
little true. That is a little true. I'll see you
around the universe. Chris, thank you for calling.

Speaker 6 (01:29:12):
Yeah, man, I have a good night.

Speaker 1 (01:29:13):
You too. I was lovely. Thank you very much everyone
for listening to the Therapy Gecko podcast today. Good calls today. Uh,
talking to Otter was cool, talking to Erica was cool.
Talking to Chris was cool. Good calls today. Good episode

(01:29:35):
of the pod. Good pod. I love a good pod.
I love I love when I when I take off
the geck go ahead and I'm like, this was a
good one. I liked that one. Today is one of
those days. Stay beautiful and see you see you next time.

(01:29:55):
Ghek bless it goes on the line.

Speaker 3 (01:29:59):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (01:30:00):
The phone calls every night. Never big Get goes to
on his right, you're just teaching news housing over your life.
But he's not really an expert.