“I WAS AN ALASKAN FISHERMAN”

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, Hello.

Speaker 2 (00:00):
Can you hear me?

Speaker 3 (00:01):
Yeah, I can hear you. What's your name, sir? My
name is Casey, Casey. How you doing has life?

Speaker 2 (00:08):
I'm doing pretty good. On my lunch break, eating some
fa fa It's like microwaveable.

Speaker 3 (00:17):
I love fu. Just chilling, just chilling, pretty good, pretty good?

Speaker 2 (00:21):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (00:22):
Uh oh listen, man, here's the thing. Uh today, I'm
happy to just chit chat about whatever. But uh, if
you have a thing that you wanted to call in
to talk about, uh, we could do that as well.
What are you feeling? What are you thinking?

Speaker 4 (00:40):
You know?

Speaker 2 (00:42):
I kind of just called spur of the moment. There's
been multiple times where I'm like, oh, I want to
call because I have this talk about but I'm just
kind of, you know, on my lunch break, just hanging out.
Was there anything on your mind?

Speaker 3 (00:54):
Well let's do this. Man. What last time that you
were like, Okay, I have this thing I want to
talk about. What was that thing?

Speaker 2 (01:04):
Well? I so there's a couple of things I could
either and I'll let you decide what you think sounds
more interesting. So they're equally interesting to me. I one
time lived on a commercial salmon fishing boat for a summer,
which in Alaska, and we lived on the boat on

(01:25):
the water for like six weeks, which was interesting and
I have some fun stories from that. And then I'm
also kind of in the midst of figuring out what
I'm gonna do for grad school. Yeah, so that's also
been something that's on my mind. So what sounds what
sounds more interesting you?

Speaker 3 (01:46):
So you you were on a salmon fishing boat for
six months?

Speaker 2 (01:50):
Yeah? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:52):
And where where was this boat located? Like where in
the ocean?

Speaker 2 (01:57):
So it was it's a Bristol Bay, Alaska.

Speaker 3 (02:01):
Bristol Bay, Alaska. I always wanted to go to Alaska.
I don't know what the hell's going on over.

Speaker 2 (02:06):
There, man, it let me tell you. It is a weird,
very very strange place. We didn't really spend much time
in like the populated areas. So what we did was
we got there in the around the beginning of June,
and we flew into anchorage and immediately got on a small,

(02:27):
super small plane where we got to this point called
Saint Petersborough And it's literally like I think there's less
than fifty people that live there year round, and like
during the summer when there's a bunch of different people there.
There's like probably two to three hundred people just all
at this like port essentially, and there are places where

(02:49):
the fishermen live. There's like four or five different quarters.
And then other than that, it's just like it's funny.
It's a lot of convicts that come in because they
work at the cannery. Usually instead of like having them
rot in a cell or something, they have they fly
them out and they work in the canaries where they

(03:10):
like can the fish that comes in. And that was
actually a stabbing in one of the quarters the year
before I was there. It's a very chaotic place, for sure.

Speaker 3 (03:21):
Did you get into any trouble while you were on
the boat, so, did you stab anyone? Did you do
anything crazy?

Speaker 2 (03:27):
No stabbing. While on land, it was mostly just a
bunch of heavy drinking and waking up, putting Bailey's in
coffee and getting the boat prepared. And then so we
lived on land for like three weeks getting the boat
prepared ready to go out to sea, and that was

(03:50):
basically like getting everything painted, like working on the engine
and working on all the maintenance that needed to be
done for it. And then after living on land for
like two and a half weeks. Then we went out
to the water and we spent like five weeks on
the water.

Speaker 3 (04:07):
Wow, uh, five weeks on the water. How many people
are on this boat?

Speaker 2 (04:14):
So that's the that's the thing. It was for like
two weeks it was four of us, and then the
last three and a half weeks it was three of us.
It's a super small.

Speaker 3 (04:23):
Boat and uh for five and you what you live
in like little bunk beds and stuff.

Speaker 2 (04:31):
Dude, Yeah, it is like the smallest bed like I've
ever slept on. It was. It was. It was quite miserable. Yeah,
super super super sight quarters. We all like it was
basically on the end of the boat. Like you know
how a boat it kind of at the front, it

(04:51):
kind of curves up, so it like you know, functions
on the water where you're basically in that point and
the beds are kind of a diagonal diagonalized going to
the end of the boat. It's kind of hard to explain,
but point is very small.

Speaker 3 (05:08):
And tell me about the other guys. Did you get
along with them or was their conflict on the boat?

Speaker 2 (05:13):
Yeah? So, so how I actually got the job was
my buddy I was I was at I was doing
undergrad at the time, and my buddy just texted in
the group chat. He was like, Hey, my my mom's
friend's husband needs somebody to come out to Alaska for
the summer and work on his boat with him and

(05:36):
uh catch some salmon. And he just texted it in
the group chat, and it was like piranhas fighting for
fighting for food. Like everybody snapped on it. But I
was the first one to respond. And so Parker connected me,
or his name was Parker connected me to the to
the guy that was the captain of the boat. And

(05:59):
so Parker and I were super close. We were really
good friends. And but the captain, his name was Dale.
He was a dick. He was honestly insufferable a lot
of time.

Speaker 3 (06:12):
When what was it that made Dale a dick?

Speaker 2 (06:17):
Oh, let's see he uh he. So when you when
you're a commercial fisherman and you spend something like I
think Alaska does weird things to people living out there
for a long time because they have such little contact
and the only people there around are other sweaty, pissy

(06:41):
fishermen Soka. No, you're good, No, you're good. He uh.
He had a really terrible attitude. He was he was
a yeller, like he was really power tripping over the
fact that it was his boat. He was the captain,

(07:04):
so he so there was a lot of power tripping
going on and he he uh, he would always talk
about how fucking horny he was because he hadn't been
around women, because you know, it's just us three dudes
on the boat at the time, So just a lot
of uncomfortable talking points, power tripping, yelling all the time,

(07:29):
like we would always he like we were always having
to cook for him, and shit, he was just a
power tripping asshole. Not okay.

Speaker 3 (07:38):
This does bring up an interesting and interesting question is
do well, what's the masturbation situation looking like on this
boat or are we just abstaining for the five weeks
or are you kind of picking your spots? Are you
doing it just straight up into the ocean.

Speaker 2 (07:55):
So it's it's pretty much nil while you're on the boat.
So a lot of nutless aggravation, you know, yeah, nut
deprived aggravation for sure. Five weeks, you know, sense to
the whole crew pretty much. We did go back on land.

(08:18):
We went back on land like three and a half
weeks in, i want to say, and then we went
back out for another week and a half, So I
think everybody got a nut in during that, But other
than that, yeah, pretty much nothing.

Speaker 3 (08:32):
And was that like, did that add to the general
vibe of frustration amongst the gang?

Speaker 2 (08:40):
I definitely think so, Yeah, definitely there was, Yeah, a
lot of yelling, a lot of arguing. Yeah, that definitely contributed.
And there was also like I'll tell you the schedule
because it really puts things into context of like what
this job is like. So when you're on the boat,

(09:05):
basically any time that you're allowed to fish, you have
to fish because when you're not fishing, you're not making
money essentially, because all of your money is based off
how much fish you catch. Right, So the fishing periods
were like eight hour time. So here would be like
an average day, wake up at two am, make oatmeal,

(09:30):
make coffee, dale the captain would start driving the boat
out to where driving from the anchorage where we achre
down out to where we're going to go fish for
the day. That takes about like forty five minutes to
an hour. We get where we're going to fish at
three am, we roll out the net and we start

(09:51):
fishing essentially, and we fish for about six hours so
then it would hit about nine am, say, after that,
we get all our fish into the bins, we drive
back to the anchorage, take all of our fish and
drop it off to the tender boat which takes all

(10:12):
the fish from the small boats and gets it weighed
out and processed. That takes about an hour, so at
this point it's about like ten thirty probably, and then
after that we go anchor up. You have to scrub
the entire deck otherwise it smells like, you know, one
of the worst smells you can imagine, Like you have

(10:34):
to scrub it after every time you fish. Otherwise it's
just going to be like you can't be out there
for too long. So that takes about thirty minutes. And
so then you know, you have like essentially forty five
minutes to eat and just like do whatever you want

(10:56):
to do in your free time, and then you have
about two two to three hours to sleep, depending on
the day. And then the next session starts at around
like you know, one or two pm, so you all
over again until like you know, one two am.

Speaker 3 (11:15):
So you basically you break up your sleep scheduling.

Speaker 2 (11:19):
Yeah, yeah, right in the blocks of like two hours.

Speaker 3 (11:25):
Yeah, that sounds like hell, how did you like feel
during this time?

Speaker 2 (11:31):
I was, I've that was the like it probably sounds cliche,
but I genuinely think that was the first time I've
ever felt myself kind of like slipping mentally. I did.
I did. Actually near the end, I had some like
hallucinations in the water whoa, which was crazy because I've

(11:56):
never had, you know, visuals like you know, not coming
out of you know, my brain processing what's in front
of me, you know, besides like tripping balls, you know,
So that was very strange. And yeah, I think the
only thing that really got me through it was in

(12:18):
my free time. I was reading The Myth of Sisssis.
If you ever heard of that book?

Speaker 3 (12:22):
What is that?

Speaker 2 (12:24):
It's a it's a it's a philosophy book. It's I
first really got I was into philosophy as an undergrad originally,
but I brought this book with me. And since there's
no there's no service or anything, there's nothing you can
really do besides you know, read or you know, do
jack shit. So basically reading in my free time that

(12:46):
book got me through it. But it was I did
feel myself going insane and that level of exhaustion definitely
also contributed to the tension between the crewmates.

Speaker 3 (13:00):
Yeah, and did you what did you learn from the
Myth of Sisyphus?

Speaker 2 (13:10):
Well, it's it's one of it's not the founding book
of absurdism, but it's it's like it's canon. You know,
it's very it's very it's a very important work and
the idea of absurdism, and I don't know it it.

(13:30):
Before this, I was having a hard time wrestling with
you know what a lot of people wrestle with on
this podcast, the Meaning of life, you know, that type
of stuff. But I think after reading that book, I
think the biggest takeaway I took from it was that, like,

(13:51):
the insignificance of our existence is not something to be
upset about, but it's something to be taken advantage of
because the impact or the lack of impact that we're
actually leaving on the world gives us the freedom to

(14:12):
take advantage of that insignificance and do what we think
we want to do. And you know, that's not an
excuse to dick around and do nothing, but it's like
it's it's a good motivator for me personally to go
out and do shit that I'm passionate about you know which,

(14:37):
So now I'm like trying to go for my PhD
for mass which I never would have saw myself doing.
But after the fishing trip and after reading that book,
it kind of realized, like, hey, I like maths. Why
don't I do it for school instead of, you know,
fucking around in a business degree where I have no interest,
And now I want to go for my PhD. So

(14:58):
it's helped me figure out what I wanted to do
for sure.

Speaker 3 (15:02):
First of all, congratulations, that's awesome, But second of all,
how lucky did you get that your passion was math? Oh?
My god? Some people are like, my passion is to
become a fucking call of duty live streamer or something,
you know, you know what I mean? Like, it's how
lucky did you get that your passion was matt Like? So,

(15:24):
how lucky did you get that your passion was like
something tangible that you can you can actually do something
productive with, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (15:35):
Yes? That, And I mean I think I think a lot.
I think more people could find a passion in something
like that, Like, well, I guess what you said tangible,
But I think it's kind of it's really hard to
unlock that with the way that we're educated now. I
think people have a lot more potential in education that

(15:59):
they just can't see because it's you know, it's it's
not unlocked in the proper way because you know, nobody
fucking likes math in high school. I hated math in
high school. I got a dog shit education in math
in high school, and so I think I think that's
part of it as well. But yeah, I definitely got
lucky that. I'm very glad that I enjoy it. It's

(16:23):
it's it's fun funnily enough, though, I am in the
part of math it's called pure math. It's pretty much
it's about as applicable to life as philosophy itself, which
you know, there's a threshold. It's basically just Greek. It's
like writing proofs. It's just like Greek letters that mean
absolutely nothing to the context of our actual, you know,

(16:45):
real world experience. But I still enjoy it.

Speaker 3 (16:48):
So pure math, you say, yeah, pure math, and and
it's your writing proofs, as in your like, Okay, I'm
going to prove to you without any shaft of a
doubt the two plus two equals.

Speaker 2 (17:01):
Exactly pretty much.

Speaker 3 (17:04):
Yeah, yeah, that's insane. How do you approve that that's
just like, uh something that is you.

Speaker 2 (17:11):
Know, it's uh. So, you know, the most obvious stuff
is actually the hardest stuff to prove. I think the
like widely accepted proof for one plus one equals to
like completely rigorous and logical and one hundred percent without
any like holes. It's like, I think it's like thirty

(17:35):
six pages.

Speaker 3 (17:36):
Actually it's really okay, so you can break that down
even further, yes.

Speaker 2 (17:43):
Like it's so non intuitive. The easiest stuff to prove
is the stuff that you learn later on in your
high school or like middle school education in math. The
hardest shit to prove is the shit that you teach
the young kids.

Speaker 3 (18:00):
That's so god, God, that's so fucking god. That's so
fucked up. That's so fucked up. There is you know
what's funny is, yeah, you're talking about uh and God
damn it, I've roped myself in once again to to
getting existential. But it's what I'm having fun with it

(18:21):
right now, is you know you're talking about like, oh,
insignificance and whatever. It's like, there is so much to
grasp in the world, and at a certain point you
must accept that you cannot grasp at all, you know.

(18:41):
And I think once you accept that and you just
enjoy whatever it is, you enjoy your little bite of
apple that you get if you're lucky as a human being,
is probably where you find uh, the most happiness, you know,
because I mean, just the knowledge that there's thirty six

(19:04):
pages of proof involved to prove that one plus one
equals too. I mean, that's there's just infinite every all things.
And that's just the stuff that we know. Then there's
the stuff that we don't know that's infinite, and it's like, god, damn,
do I just want to play Mario Kart and Jack
Off and you know, not think about any of this stuff,

(19:26):
you know, or just I mean, I have this this
I'm bringing this back to me. I don't know why,
but this is just what I'm thinking about. It's like,
I have this. This podcast is very interesting to me
because it's been a vessel for me of like, oh,
I want to suck up the whole world. I want
to get to talk to as many people as possible,
go as many places as possible, experience as much as possible.

(19:49):
But I mean it's weird. There's no end, you know,
it just keeps going and once you like, when you're
trying to find aimed finality or something like that, you
it kind of lead, it kind of makes you go crazy, right,
you have to just accept what there is.

Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yeah, yep, that's a lot of what absurdism is about,
for sure.

Speaker 3 (20:15):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (20:16):
Yeah, kind of you know, whining like a little bit
about it, just sucking it up and admitting that it
actually you know, but look at cliche enough. It is
kind of looking on the brighter side of that, you know,
terrifying an abysmal fact of life.

Speaker 3 (20:36):
What's your name again?

Speaker 2 (20:37):
I definitely recommend Casey, Casey.

Speaker 3 (20:40):
How old are you, Casey? I'm curious what stage of
life are you? Three twenty three? Very cool, very nice.
That's nice that you've made peace with all this stuff
pretty early in your life.

Speaker 2 (20:54):
Yeah, you know, shout out drugs. That definitely helped.

Speaker 3 (20:57):
A lot too, which ones.

Speaker 2 (21:00):
Psychedelics mostly, So it's funny I quit smoking weed a
while ago.

Speaker 3 (21:04):
But it's funny me because I I psychedelics, right, Like
I would think.

Speaker 2 (21:11):
I actually have to stop you. My lunch break is
actually over. I really enjoyed this conversation though.

Speaker 3 (21:18):
I enjoyed this conversation with you too, Okay, Yeah, let's
just we'll part two.

Speaker 2 (21:23):
This, Yes, we we we will come back for sure.
I'm gonna try to get on again and keep doing
what you're doing with the podcast.

Speaker 3 (21:29):
W I love it all right, Thanks, thanks man, good
I have have a have a good day at work.

Speaker 2 (21:36):
Yeah, you too, have a good rest of the podcast talking.

Speaker 3 (21:38):
About take care of bye bye bye bye bye, what
a bummer. I liked talking to that guy a lot.
That was great. I guess the to finish what I
was going to say is that it's funny with Psychedelics
are an interesting thing to me because they the whole
selling point is that they are supposed to expand consciousness.

(22:02):
But for me personally, I'm like, it's interesting to hear
that they helped this guy solve his existentialism because for me,
I'm like, isn't the like you want to be less conscious?
Don't you? Don't you want? Isn't the whole point to

(22:24):
be a little bit less conscious? Like I feel? Correct?

Speaker 2 (22:29):
You know what?

Speaker 3 (22:30):
Tell me, folks in the comments section on the Spotify
or YouTube what you think of this. I'm curious what
people think about this because I think I read this
quote from uh someone, I don't actually I don't know
if like someone fucking famous said this or if this
is just something I read on Reddit. In my crazy

(22:52):
musings is that you know, if ignorance is bliss, then
clarity is misery. And I kind of felt that a
little bit. So it's like the expansion of consciousness seems
counterintuitive to happiness, although everyone is wired a little differently,

(23:13):
you know. I mean, the happiest I think human beings
are is when they're the least conscious, is when they're
just you know, in life. In they are when when
you are present and where you are. I was at
I was at dinner with friends last night and I

(23:35):
was I was just having like crazy anxiety, and I
was on my phone and I was in my notes app,
and I was on Instagram, and I was just fucking like, look,
it was just like trying to find You're trying to
find answers everywhere except where you fucking are. And I
do think there's something to that, because anxiety, at least

(23:58):
for me, is a sign that you're living your present moment,
is is kind of out of sync with your desires
in a way. But you got to kind of balance
that with like, uh, if you need to fulfill every
single desire all the time. Then you're you're just gonna suffer,

(24:22):
you know. But it's it's a balancing act. Because I
I and I talk about this on the fucking show
a lot. Is like there's a weird balancing act between
the the internal and the external of like, Okay, how
much of anxiety is is is going to be solved

(24:43):
by like internal acceptance and breathing or whatever versus Oh no,
there's actually stuff going on in your life that you
need to like change or or you know, you can
actually like like how much can you capitalism yourself? How

(25:05):
much can you capitalism yourself out of anxiety or depression?
And I'm not even talking about like money. I'm talking
about like by like doing stuff, by making things or
making changes externally versus like, Okay, I need to breathe,

(25:27):
I need to fucking do whatever. And I don't know,
if I knew, I wouldn't be ranting crazy about it
on a podcast. But whatever, interesting things to talk about.
I liked that guy. That guy was cool, Like I was,
uh interesting, fella. I gotta go to Alaska. I gotta
see what's going on over there.

Speaker 4 (25:48):
Hello, Yeah, what's up?

Speaker 3 (25:50):
Hey? What's what's going on, sir?

Speaker 2 (25:53):
Not much?

Speaker 4 (25:54):
I was calling. I was like, finally I got on.
But uh yeah I had pretty decent as of late.
I think, how about yourself if you mind me asking?

Speaker 3 (26:06):
Yeah, sure, life spend interesting. I mean doing things like
this that kind of keep you like in the present
is good. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, what what's going on
with you? What's happening in your life?

Speaker 4 (26:28):
Well, hmm, so I recently went to California this weekend,
so yeah, that was pretty fun. I went to Rolling
Wild you know that like festival.

Speaker 3 (26:39):
Yeah, how was that?

Speaker 4 (26:41):
That was very like anxiety inducing just because of like, yeah,
the crowds. I realized I really hate crowds.

Speaker 3 (26:50):
But you didn't get you didn't get astro worlded, did you?

Speaker 4 (26:54):
Oh no, luckily not. Yeah, but it was getting bad
at like when Playboy Party was playing, they had to
stop for like twenty minutes, and then like Kaysonatt was
on stage, he was yelling at us to like back
up because like ten people passed out. But yeah, yeah,
it gets crazy sometimes. But no, Astro World.

Speaker 3 (27:12):
Luckily pretty good. What else is going on in life?

Speaker 4 (27:19):
Well? I think I did want to talk about a
story because yeah, it was about I guess me breaking
will dislocating myself in a monstrapit and it kind of
I guess taught me gratitude and patient.

Speaker 3 (27:35):
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 4 (27:39):
So yeah, I guess the long story short. So I
went to my first so you know, the Auto Bar
in Baltimore, something originally from Maryland.

Speaker 3 (27:47):
Yeah, I did a show there.

Speaker 4 (27:47):
I love. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw you there. So
I went to my first hardcore show, which is like
a couple of years ago, and yeah, I got into
the pit. It was like the first band playing and
then yeah, someone leaned when my thumb got stuck in
someone's shirt and then it leaned back and like I
heard a crack. I popped it back in place. I

(28:08):
was like, we're good. It's still moving. So I was like,
let's go.

Speaker 2 (28:11):
We're good.

Speaker 4 (28:11):
So I kept going. Turns out I tore like a
whole ligament in my thumb. This is my dominant hands,
mind you, And then I realized I had to get surgery.
So then I got surgery on my right hand, and
I was in a cast I think for like two months.
So I did like learn everything with my left hand.
I had to learn how to brush my teeth and

(28:32):
I'm also an artist too, so I did learn to
draw with my left hand for those two months I
find out how to do work for two months. I
don't know. I think that time, I don't know, it
kind of like taught me to just like really slowed down,
especially like just the simple act of like brushing the
teeth with like your left hand. It's so difficult if
it's like not your dominant hand because you're not usually
thinking about you doing any mind with sleep. But like

(28:54):
now I actually have to like learn how to do
that circular emotion, do everything like that. But yeah, doing
artwork as well kind of like slowed down a lot.
Like I actually was like more I guess what's that word.
I guess, hmmm, decisive with my movements and more like yeah,

(29:14):
I think more decisive with it. And it had like
a better like mythology of going your valid and stuff
like that. But yeah, it was kind of weird, weird
situation because it was like I do everything with my
right hand. I do everything just mindlessly a lot, and
this kind of taught me like WHOA, just because of
how uncoordinated I was with my left hand. I kind

(29:36):
of learned to just like yeah, kind of be with
the flow of things and kind of adjust to those
things and being okay with it, even if I kind
of like suck at it.

Speaker 3 (29:46):
So yeah, yeah, M And how is your how how
long was your right hand out of commission?

Speaker 4 (29:57):
So yeah, two months in the cast and then I
had therapy, so it was about like three months. But
I think those three months are really good because I
was like really grateful for like the times I do
have two hands, because having one hand kind of sucks.
So I kind of feel bad. Well I feel really
bad for people with one hand or no hands, but yeah,
having that one hand kind of yeah, put things in

(30:19):
perspective a lot. It made me kind of, yeah, very
slow down. I think the main thing was like slow
down to a lot of stuff.

Speaker 3 (30:26):
Yeah, what was the hardest thing to learn with your
left hands?

Speaker 4 (30:32):
Ooh, so I have this big dog. I have a dog.
She's in the key to She's like eighty pounds. That
was kind of hard to like walk her. So I
had this LEAs. I got this leash, like it's basically
kind of like the avatar leavest like basically connected to me.
So it's like at least that goes across my body.
And then yeah, she just connected things like that. But yeah,
other than that, I think what else was really hard?

(30:54):
Opening things? Opening things was awful. I couldn't open things
and that was really hard. Yeah. I think it was
like those those daily things. Taking a shower was really difficult.
It was very difficult because you can't get your cast
web or any of that web. Yeah, I like the
day to day stuff very difficult.

Speaker 3 (31:16):
And so how long ago is this?

Speaker 4 (31:19):
This was twenty so twenty twenty two going into twenty
twenty three, so it's been basically almost Yeah, a year
since the surgery. Has been a year since the surgery.
Oh now twenty three, No, twenty twenty three going into
twenty twenty four, So yeah, like a year.

Speaker 3 (31:35):
So has Because here's the thing about like epiphanies I
notice a lot is that they're not one and done things.
They're they're kind of things you have to remind yourself of.
And so do you feel like that gratefulness and that
awareness has stayed with you throughout this?

Speaker 4 (31:56):
See? That's hard too. Yeah, So that's what I sometimes
I do definitely like just get back into like the
mindless stroll of things. I think. Yeah, No, it's really
hard to kind of always remain and remember that. I
guess these I guess that finite thing of like that

(32:16):
impermanence of everything, and that you need to just enjoy
and be grateful for those just those simple things like that,
going back to just brushing your teeth. You take those
things for granted. So I don't know, I kind of
sometimes I guess there's those times where I like, yeah,
I might have an epiphany off of like mushrooms again,
I'm like, I need to go back to the simplistic thing.

(32:38):
And then sometimes I just lose that strain of thought
and I just get caught into to think of it
and stuff like that. But I don't know. I think
what helps me a lot. I do a lot of
like yoga, which puts me into that framework of like
being there in that moment and just breathing. So I
feel like those kind of like revert back to those

(32:59):
times of like when I had that one hand and
I was basically purple to do gradit that one hand
to do everything and had to focus on that activity
I was usually doing that I thought usually with two
hands wasn't important and stuff like that. So yeah, I
don't know. It's really like a roller coaster effect. I
feel like there's always those highs and lows of like

(33:21):
figuring it out, remaining in that state. I don't know.
I don't think we should be like I think we
should cheer ourselves with the grace too when we do
forget about that stuff as well, because that like, yeah,
we're just human. We're just learning, growing, failing, succeeding. You know.

Speaker 3 (33:38):
So what's going on with you now that you have
two hands? What are you doing with your hands?

Speaker 4 (33:45):
I'm doing so I'm grabbing so many things. Yeah, so
I guess what I'll do. Yeah, I like to like
be outside a lot, so and like just yeah, work out,
I do more tie a lot. That's fun. You do
more time sports and stuff like, Yeah, more time is
really funny.

Speaker 3 (34:02):
You're you're really out there trying to fuck up your
hands again, You're really you're like, I didn't get injured
hard enough to fuck up myself even.

Speaker 4 (34:11):
More exactly, I think. Yeah, I like those like high
stake things. I don't know if that's like dangerous, but
you know, yolo, but I do go back to the
pits and stuff like that way more safer, keeping my
hands like away from my clothing and people sometimes and
stuff like that. But I've been using my hands a lot.

(34:35):
I think I've been creating a lot like art. I said,
I was an artist, so now I know how to
use both of my hands with art. So that's like
been like really cool. Actually it's been really fun. Yeah,
you know, what's your favorite thing to do with two hands?

Speaker 3 (34:48):
What's my favorite thing to do with uh two hands?
I guess fucking play video games? That's probably the Yeah.
I've thought about whether I would, I would be whether
I would Would you rather have no hands or no feet?
I feel like no, I feel like I no feet, right.

Speaker 4 (35:09):
Yeah, no, no, no, because you can't.

Speaker 3 (35:11):
Walk, but you could use a wheelchair.

Speaker 4 (35:14):
That's true.

Speaker 3 (35:15):
There's so many things.

Speaker 4 (35:16):
A lot of your hands, but a lot of places
aren't like wheelchair accessible either. Like what if there's like
stairs in your fuck you know.

Speaker 3 (35:24):
Yeah, but what if you have to what if there's
a door and you gotta open it, then you're really
fucking You can.

Speaker 4 (35:29):
Use your mouth or you can use your feet too,
you know.

Speaker 3 (35:33):
Yeah, yeah, I guess you would have to learn how
to use your feet. Yeah, you know. I I feel
like I feel like a wimp. A lot of the times,
I'm like I feel like I'm like, oh, I only
have the strength for like, yeah, you're you're feel that way.
You're like, I don't feel like I have the strength

(35:55):
for like tons and tons of adversity. But yet you
see yet, you know out there there exists tons and
tons of adversity and people are doing it. People are
getting themselves through adversity, you know. I often that's that's

(36:15):
one of my problems is I often feel as though
I don't have the strength to overcome adversity, which is
hard because I think life just throws adversity around in
a way that doesn't really care who you are or
what the fuck if you've experienced it before or not.

Speaker 4 (36:35):
You know, yeah, life doesn't give a shit. Going back
to that, there is that guy that has like no
limbs at all, but he climbs mountains. I saw something. Yeah,
he climbed like one of the tallest mountain in Africa
or something. Yeah, and he has no arms or legs.
But yeah, going back to like adversity, Yeah, I don't know. Yes,
it's kind of like how do you come up to

(36:56):
the plate for it? A lot of the times, the
most of times we don't, And I think that's okay too,
because it's like, I don't know, we learned from that
adversity even though we might have not came to the
challenge too, and stuff like that.

Speaker 3 (37:10):
Oh yeah, that guy, that guy, well there's a lot
of I mean, that guy's doing pretty good. But I
also think about all the people who don't have arms
and legs, who are like, man, this is not I
don't like this.

Speaker 4 (37:19):
Yeah that's true too. Damn yeah, life, life can be
like that.

Speaker 3 (37:26):
Well realize, I guess, I guess you know what you're
making me feel. Grateful to have arms and legs, which
is that. I think, honestly, probably the baseline to wake
up every day with is just grateful you have arms
and legs.

Speaker 4 (37:41):
For sure, but definitely try to do stuff with your
opposite hand though. It definitely puts you into like perspective
and it keeps you because you were talking about presence
a lot. You talk about that flow stick. It gives
you at presence that I feel like, because you're actually
going to have to focus on the cash you're doing,
even though because most of the time we do it
mindlessly with that dominant hand or something like that. But yeah,

(38:03):
I feel like everyone even chat or anyone that might
listen to this. Yeah, try to do things that you're
not usually comfortable with, and that can be simple things
because they kind of yeah, put those things in perspective.

Speaker 3 (38:17):
You know, what's your name again, sir?

Speaker 4 (38:20):
Oh, I went by poop, but Poop, I go by friend.

Speaker 2 (38:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (38:24):
But but but I did call you with flying loads
that one time, and I was so nervous and I
really want to call back, and I think it went
way better because I actually knew what to talk about.
But yeah, you know, shit happens and then you over
here again.

Speaker 3 (38:40):
So yeah, Poop, is there anything else you gonna say
to the people the computer before we go?

Speaker 4 (38:47):
Stay yourself, guys, do what you love and yeah, love.

Speaker 3 (38:53):
You get Thank you, Poop, you have a good rest
of the night. Good luck to you, sir, you too?
H Yeah, this why is I don't like doing I'm
okay with like embarrassing myself, but I don't like doing
putting myself out there like physically, Like I have no
interest in skydiving or skateboarding or anything where you can

(39:16):
like really fuck yourself up. But I have respect for
people who do do that. Hello, Hey, Hey, what's up?
What's your name?

Speaker 5 (39:31):
My name is Graciana. We've talked once.

Speaker 3 (39:34):
Before, Graciana. How long ago did we talk?

Speaker 5 (39:40):
It was like when you like, you know, when COVID
was was a thing that everyone was we were all
hiding from well some of us, some.

Speaker 3 (39:49):
Of us are anyone, Okay, so a while ago.

Speaker 5 (39:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (39:54):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (39:55):
The last subject we talked about. I was explaining how
I I had my first kid at fifteen and my
next one at twenty two and the difference between the two,
and oh.

Speaker 3 (40:08):
Shit, well how are they doing? How are the kids?

Speaker 5 (40:15):
Oh, you know, that's complicated. Listen, kids. My three year
old he changes every day, if not every week, if
not like every month. And he's a little easier because
you know, he's three in the way of you know,

(40:36):
it's he can't talk that much. My eleven year old,
she's on this whole discovering herself in questioning life and
and I mean some stuff is going on there for sure.

(40:57):
That's kind of terrifying in the way of she obviously
has depression and she's made it clear that you know, she's.

Speaker 3 (41:07):
She's asking for help and she's eleven.

Speaker 5 (41:11):
Yeah, she's eleven, dude.

Speaker 3 (41:13):
Oh man, so how do you uh uh? I've been
thinking you know, it's funny. So I don't think I'm
gonna have kids for a while, but I know that
I want to eventually. And I was thinking about that.
I was like, how if you know, like you this

(41:33):
is this might be a negative viewpoint, but it's like,
you know, I think having kids like can introduce a
lot of joy in your life, but also a lot
of suffering because like whatever you take, whatever they have,
you know, that's kind of part of your job. I
think is like if your kid is suffering, you kind
of have to, you know, be in that suffering with

(41:54):
them to help. You got to dive into the black
pit to help get them out of there, and you
got to go in there. You know, what is it?
I mean? Is that accurate? Do you feel that way?

Speaker 5 (42:05):
I see, I feel a lot like I think that
we feel a lot of the same in that way.
Like although you know, when I got pregnant at fifteen,
I thought it was going to be a beautiful, wonderful thing.
Obviously I was a fucking kid, right, but like and
then as as I got older, like and then having

(42:26):
my newest, my newest boy, it's I'm realizing that I
have a lot, Like I stopped. I essentially stopped at
fifteen kind of like discovering myself and all that. So
I encourage people to just kind of enjoy themselves, like

(42:49):
get to know themselves, because yes, having a kid it
has given me a lot of joy and perspective, but
it is also really hard and and it's at some
times like currently, I feel like with my eleven year olds,
it's kind of like your you don't know if if

(43:10):
you're going to get a bank you in the end
for all of the actual sacrifices that you do make
in just like mentally and and physically and like and
you know, just like all the all the stuff. The
fucking doctor visits the it's it's just it's you. It's

(43:35):
you caring for a whole other person. And also like
I'm I'm you know, I knew after a while, uh
that I'm essentially teaching her what what life is going
to be, like everything everything that I give her, Like

(43:59):
she she's watching me, like how I handle things, That's
how she's gonna handle things, right, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (44:05):
You're giving her the context of life.

Speaker 5 (44:08):
Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like I was fifteen when
I had her, and so it wasn't the prettiest scene.
You know, it really wasn't. I mean, granted, I don't like,
it wasn't like a you know, I don't I don't know.

(44:29):
Me and my partner are both fifteen, So it was
it was it was like two kids that all of
a sudden moved in together and like my family is
falling apart. So then as all of a sudden, was
like adopted by his mom with my brothers, and so
it's just like to a certain extent, I understand why.

Speaker 2 (44:52):
Why it was so hard.

Speaker 5 (44:55):
For because I was fucking fifteen, and so like it
wasn't It wasn't a about oh I should I should
be not crying in the closet, and I just that
all the time, like I should be I don't know,
trying to do things and paying more attention and and uh,

(45:19):
I don't know, dude, I think his is I think
having kids is a beautiful thing, and but I also
feel like it's it's not it's not what they told us.

Speaker 3 (45:35):
You know, are you still with that, You're still with
the guy that you had the kid with, not my.

Speaker 5 (45:45):
Eleven year old. I'm with a new partner and he's
the father of my three year old.

Speaker 3 (45:53):
Okay, okay, uh, and how how is he? Because I
feel like that is the because this really feels like
something you kind of can't do alone. It feels like
something that that you got to have the right person
to do.

Speaker 4 (46:09):
It with.

Speaker 5 (46:11):
Absolutely, and that is something that I really really advocate for. Um, Like,
I'm like the you just want to you know how
they say you want to vet someone kind of like
you kind of want to vet someone in the way
of how are they going to be in a tough
situation if your kid like is crying and it's been

(46:35):
fucking hours and you're both sleep deprived and like you're
irritated obviously and they're irritated, how are they going to
handle it?

Speaker 2 (46:42):
Or like.

Speaker 5 (46:46):
I don't know, it's.

Speaker 6 (46:48):
How how do they How did they take care of
you and pick up the house? And how does your guys'
relationship kind of like feel together? And and because it's
once you have a kid, that's balancing your relationship with
this person and then also having a child together and
being a.

Speaker 5 (47:08):
Family, right, It's it's it's a mixed bag patience, patience
and really really getting to know that person a little bit.

Speaker 3 (47:26):
And how is your new partner doing with all that.

Speaker 5 (47:32):
He's been great, you know, he's he really Sometimes I
get worried that, like I'm I don't know, because my
last relationship was so it's just I didn't I only
it wasn't. It wasn't it wasn't the sweetest at times,

(47:55):
so I was kind of I don't know. I feel
like I'm kind of hard times in the way of like,
I don't, I don't know. I I get scared of
keeping things to myself, so I'll just like say what
I'm thinking or whatever, not like negative stuff, but like,

(48:21):
I don't know, I'm pretty open about if I think
someone's pretty or not, and I think that that's sometimes
uh kind of affects like how he feels sometimes and
I feel kind of.

Speaker 3 (48:38):
Like, oh, if you say, like another girl is.

Speaker 5 (48:40):
Pretty or like a guy or something, but yeah, girls too.

Speaker 3 (48:46):
Sure, Well, you have a buzzing in the background. What
is that?

Speaker 5 (48:51):
That is my sister trying to call me. She likes
to call me every day.

Speaker 3 (48:58):
Oh that's nice. Yea a good relationship with your sister
or I guess, I guess not good enough that you're
going to hang up on me to call to talk
to her. But is it good?

Speaker 5 (49:09):
Yeah? I mean she I love her, she's younger, she's
she's actually my first my last partner's sister. Like I
moved in with them at fifteen basically, and he had
uh three two no, I think it was two at

(49:34):
the time, two brothers and then a sister.

Speaker 3 (49:37):
Because so this is like your this is like your
ex sister in law, but you call her your sister. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.

Speaker 2 (49:46):
M.

Speaker 3 (49:49):
Well let me see here, let me think. Well, I
guess I'll ask you this before we go, is uh,
I guess? So on the let's this on the topic
of self discovery and whatnot, do you feel as though
you have been able to do any self discovery lately?

(50:09):
And if so, have you learned anything?

Speaker 5 (50:14):
Definitely? So something that really started like kickstarting everything is
I started just going to like immediately after I graduated
high school. My teacher was telling me, go to college,
go to college, go to college, and so I was like, okay, whatever,
And I went to College of the Redwoods shout out.

(50:40):
And I loved every English teacher. I loved just like
how we would like dissect things. And then that made
me really think and keep thinking in the way of
like I don't know just like life. And I feel
like no one that I was around was really thinking
that way, and so it just kind of kept watering this, Well,

(51:04):
what do I think and what what would I like
to do? And what do I enjoy? And hey, this
book is actually really interesting and like things like that,
and then like also uh, attending parenting classes and things
like I I try to attend every parenting class that

(51:26):
I can find, just because it even though they kind
of like talk about the same stuff, it's the other
parents that are in there that really help and just
make you like feel connected and think and learn new
ways and feel like, uh, you know, we're all just
kind of figuring it out.

Speaker 2 (51:49):
Well.

Speaker 3 (51:50):
I appreciate this. This perspective is a good is a
good perspective to have, because I think when you think
that when you I don't know when I when I imagine
life ahead, you always, uh you always imagine that everything's
gonna be awesome, and you kind of forget you're gonna
look forward with rose colored glasses and you kind of
forget that things remain difficult. But uh, I don't know,

(52:16):
you kind of pick your poison I suppose in life.

Speaker 5 (52:20):
Yeah, yeah, it's a it is it is a giving thing.
I don't want it to sound like I'm not grateful.

Speaker 3 (52:29):
No, no, no, no, that's not what I've been flying
at all. I was just kind of.

Speaker 7 (52:32):
Musing, Yeah, it's it is. I do feel like there's
a rose like, there's like rose color glasses. Absolutely like
there's still hardships and you're still gonna have different things
that you're gonna have to learn to navigate through.

Speaker 3 (52:51):
What's your name again, Grace Siana? Is there anything else
you want to say to the people of the computer
before we go?

Speaker 5 (53:02):
You guys should read Billions and Billions. It's a really
fun book.

Speaker 3 (53:06):
Billions and Billions. Mhm uh, well, thank you, Graciana. You
have a good rest of the night, you too.

Speaker 5 (53:16):
Li'le talk to you again someday by Graciana. Bye.

Speaker 3 (53:23):
All right, let's look this up. Billions and Billions.

Speaker 4 (53:25):
What is this?

Speaker 3 (53:26):
Billions and Billions. It's a book by Carl Sagan. Billions
and Billions. Thoughts on life and death at the Brink
of the Millennium. Now I know I'm not reading this book.
I'm you know what. Look, we did, we had a
good run with existentialist thought, and I'm coming back. I'm
joining the living, dude, I'm joining the living. Sorry not

(53:49):
to shit on this person's book recommendation, but i've I
I want to I'm not reading this book. I'm not
reading the Sissyphus. I'm reading fucking Cat in the Hat.
I'm reading. Uh, I don't know what's a I don't know.
I'm trying to join. I'm trying to join the living.

(54:12):
You know, how do I how do you do that?
How do you rejoin the living? You fucking play kickball?

Speaker 2 (54:19):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (54:22):
Yeah, get really into competitive super Smash Brothers whatever it is. Yeah,
I'm gonna join the living once more. That's my goal.
But thank you? Uh crap. I forget what the person
who I just talked to his name was, because it
was quite elegant, but I appreciate them sharing, sharing their life,

(54:44):
sharing their life. It was a Casiana. Let me ask
the twitch chat is a Caseiana, right? Caseiana? I don't know.
Maybe someone said to read the lorax So oh, Graciana. Okay,
that was close. Those close, Graciana, Thank you very much, Graciana. Hello, Hello,

(55:09):
hi there. What is your name? My name is Jonathan, Jonathan.
What's going on, Jonathan? How is life?

Speaker 2 (55:17):
Uh?

Speaker 1 (55:17):
Pretty pretty good man? I'm I'm I'm kind of hanging out.
I'm I'm working from home. I'm just kind of I'm
just just just kind of sucking around right now. I
guess I had some free time. It's funny, are you like,
I don't know I called and don't actually, I mean,
things are all right, I guess. I'm like, I'm just

(55:38):
kind of I've been busy. I've been I've been traveling
a bunch good.

Speaker 3 (55:42):
I just I just to just to make it clear
your life, just I guess the listeners, your life does
not have to be on the brink of collapse for
you to call into this show. In fact, in fact,
I would prefer I would prefer you know what I
love doing. I know this is I feel feel bad
about this. It feels selfish, but like I just I

(56:03):
love doing the the outside version of this show so
much because it's like I just like chat. I just
like chatting with people, you know, Like I I feel
like I'm not equipped anymore to like, uh, you know,
help folks whose life is on the brink of collapse,
because I'm also I feel like I'm in a dire

(56:26):
state all the time. And uh, it's actually it's it's
nice to just I just like chatting with people. I
really do. Like I'm not I've talked. I've fucking complained
about this so many times, but like, I like just
chatting with folks, you know, So I'm happy to just chat.
You do not need to be oh, your life does
not need to be on the brink of collapse for

(56:48):
us to just chat.

Speaker 2 (56:50):
Thick cool.

Speaker 1 (56:51):
I'm glad to hear it because I I think there
was a time long ago when I was in very
dire straits. But I've been to real therapy and I
got I have normal things happening now, and it's kind
of chill now, you know.

Speaker 3 (57:03):
I like, I would love to hear how you got
your life out of dire straits and and how things
have come to be chill.

Speaker 1 (57:14):
Uh sure, yeah, I mean, so I went to school
in Florida where I went to school for engineering, and
that's how shit went awful. And you know, eventually you
graduate and God willing to get a job, so I did,
and that one sucked, and so eventually, uh started going

(57:37):
to therapy to cope with all that, and then eventually
got a new job, moved across the country. I moved
in with somebodies from college, and I started working a
way chiller job, and I started to you know, pay
off debt, I guess, and I and I found hobbies.

(57:58):
So I spent all my time when you know, I mean,
I work a lot, but like I spent a lot
of time, you know, fucking doing things like I played
dodgeball for fun, and that ship rocks, and I make
I make neat insider also for fun and to drink
with my friend. And it's it's been.

Speaker 2 (58:19):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (58:19):
I feel I spent a good amount of time in therapy,
some time on and then off of antidepressants, and I
don't know now just kind of hanging out. I had
I had yogurt for breakfast. It was all right.

Speaker 3 (58:31):
I don't know which antidepressants were you were you rocking with?
I've recently gotten on the antidepressant train. Which ones have
you been rocking with?

Speaker 1 (58:42):
So I was pretty I was lucky enough. They you know,
they put you on LESU pro first, and that worked
for me. So I stuck with it for a little
while and that that that was pretty nice. I was
on that for a little over a year year and
a half.

Speaker 3 (58:55):
Now, how long does it take because I know that,
Like the psychiatrist is like, okay, now, just so you know,
the first three weeks of this, you were going to
want to kill yourself every day, but that'll go away.
That's what they always say.

Speaker 1 (59:07):
Yeah, yeah, And I don't think my psychiatrist put it
quite so bluntly, but he did. What he said was yeah,
for the first like two three, four weeks, it's gonna
feel odd, is what he said. And I was like,
can you elaborate. He's like, it's different for everyone, but
it's gonna be a little weird. Just just stick with it.
It's like, okay, man, sure, And so yeah, I was

(59:30):
like two three, I think four weeks. I want to
say it was like after the three third or fourth
week was when I started being able to like get
out of bed regularly and like without as much difficulty,
you know, stopped wanting to kill myself, which was cool,

(59:51):
and it just kind of like, yeah, I want to
say that I felt like I was like properly in
full swing after like a month, month and a half
and then just like it's one of those things that like, yeah,
the the answer depressions aren't like they're not they're not
the fixer. They just kind of make it easier for

(01:00:12):
you to make the life changes that you probably need
to make so that this start your life so that
you can make your own life better.

Speaker 3 (01:00:23):
Were the uh like okay, so you eventually yeah, okay,
I mean that's how it works, I think, right, it
is like you because that's when your brain is like
attacking you. You're like, oh, I'm too weak to like
do the things I need to do to externally change
the circumstances of my life and shit, right, and so
the kind of get you to the point where you're like,

(01:00:44):
all right, I feel like I can actually like do things.
So once you got to the point where you go, yeah,
so so once you once you get to the point
where you can actually do things, what were you doing
that let kind of change the circumstances?

Speaker 1 (01:00:57):
I was, you know, it's like just just going out
out more, not like going out to like bars, and
I mean I guess I did that too, but like
I was just like getting out of the house a
little more. You know, I was like fucking taking out
my garbage and like brushing my teeth and uh, you know,
I just started, like, you know, I signed up for

(01:01:20):
a recreational sports league you know, like just just like
exercising a little more and like cooked a little more,
and it's like it sounds like a lot to start.
I didn't do all those things at the same time, obviously.
It was like I think I started with just taking
out my garbage and like doing laundry more frequently, and
then I was like, okay, well, eventually that became part

(01:01:42):
of my routine. I was like, okay, well, now I
think I can add a little more to this plate.
And so I started, you know, going on walks, you know,
seeing people more often. I started applying to jobs, and
I quit the job that was making me want to
kill myself. Things like that.

Speaker 6 (01:02:01):
You know.

Speaker 1 (01:02:01):
It was just like just just steadily adding a little
bit more to the plate as I felt like I
was able to eat them, you know, mm hm.

Speaker 3 (01:02:11):
And what where did you move? Did you say?

Speaker 2 (01:02:14):
I moved?

Speaker 1 (01:02:15):
I moved from Orlando to New England. So I lived
like in the Boston metro.

Speaker 3 (01:02:20):
Yeah, okay, And what do you know when did you
move to? Uh? Boston?

Speaker 1 (01:02:27):
Uh? Three three and a half years ago.

Speaker 3 (01:02:30):
Now, And uh was it tough when you first made
the move?

Speaker 4 (01:02:35):
Uh?

Speaker 1 (01:02:35):
It was the thing that was so I moved in
the winter, So that kind of sucked. But I think
more than anything was that, like I didn't have.

Speaker 2 (01:02:44):
A lease yet.

Speaker 1 (01:02:46):
I moved here, and I was just like bouncing around
airbnbs for like six months until I actually was able
to live somewhere.

Speaker 3 (01:02:55):
Yeah I've done that. I've done that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:02:58):
Yeah, that was tough because I wasn't I wasn't able
to so I had I had a roommate in Orlando
whom I left, and I wasn't able to break my
leaf because it would have been too expensive.

Speaker 2 (01:03:08):
But he wouldn't.

Speaker 1 (01:03:10):
He wasn't helping me find a sub lease, so I
was just like actually absolutely broke paying two rents for
like four months until until the other leaf ended and
I could get on a new one and.

Speaker 2 (01:03:22):
Stop paying double rents. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:03:27):
But aside from that, like the social was easy a
little bit because like I had a couple of friends
who lived here. It was kind of part of why
this was a city that I had in mind. I mean,
like I got I had a couple of buddies from
college who were the guys who told me to move.
They're like, hey, I think I visited them. We linked
up for a wedding sometime in the summer, and uh,
you know, we were just hanging out, like having a

(01:03:48):
few drinks, and eventually I was just like drunkenly, I've been,
you know, exploring Boston for a few days. I was like, guys,
I could fucking I should live here, and you know,
everybody like laughs ahaha.

Speaker 6 (01:03:58):
Sure.

Speaker 1 (01:03:58):
And then like three months later they called me and
they're like, hey, man, so about you moving here? We
want another roommate. Fuck it, you've got You've got eight
months to figure it out. And I was like, oh, good, okay,
that's kind of that's enough time. And so you know,
I fucking updated my resume and I got on LinkedIn

(01:04:18):
and stuff, and I just I figured it out. I
guess I moved too early because obviously their least wasn't
up until June or whatever, and so I moved in November.
But yeah, yeah, I mean I had friends, I have,
I have some family in the general region, Like I
got family in like Connecticut and New Hampshire and stuff.

(01:04:40):
So it's like, you know, I could make the trek
out for those things if I if I needed them.
It was it was weird, but and I guess it
was hard, but like, at no point did it ever
feel like it really sucked. I Like, I think this
is a pretty cool town, you know, like the people
are nice and the food is really good. So I'm
hanging you.

Speaker 3 (01:04:59):
Know, pretty good, pretty good. What is the What is
the job that you do out there?

Speaker 1 (01:05:05):
I'm a I'm an engineer. I I design motion sensors.

Speaker 8 (01:05:10):
The company I work for.

Speaker 1 (01:05:13):
They do like bathroom appliances, so I design like the
faucet sensors.

Speaker 3 (01:05:18):
Oh okay, Well, I gotta tell you something. You're doing
a fucking shitty job because every time, every time I
use a public bathroom, those motherfuckers are not recognizing my
hands and I'm walking out of here with you know,
I no soap, no uhh, no dryer, no nothing. So

(01:05:42):
you know, you gotta I don't know, I don't know
what's going on at big bathroom motion Sensors, but you
you got to make some changes on the inside, man,
because it's not as you guys aren't doing a good job.

Speaker 1 (01:05:54):
Dude, I fucking I hear you, man. I mean, this
wasn't even a job that I knew existed until it
was my job and now I and I just got here.
I was like, how the how did how the fuck
does this even work?

Speaker 2 (01:06:04):
You know?

Speaker 1 (01:06:06):
So? Yeah, I mean I I actually I haven't been
here long enough for you to have ever used one
of my sensors. I don't think I got one. I
have one sensor on the market right now, and it's
a it's a water bottle filler. But aside from that, like, yeah,
we're we're still we're still in the R and D

(01:06:26):
phase for everything else. It's it's a weird it's a
weird job. I don't know. But yeah, I mean, go ahead,
you know, leave me a shitty yelp review. Uh and
and and we'll see if we can't get your faucets replaced.

Speaker 3 (01:06:40):
Every time I walk out of an airport bathroom with
wet hands, I'm gonna be like fucking Jonathan.

Speaker 1 (01:06:46):
Yeah, man, yeah, fuck that guy, Jonathan, No man, he
blew it.

Speaker 3 (01:06:50):
That's cool though, that's cool. It sounds like you have
a good, uh a good thing going on. Are you
still living with those two guys?

Speaker 1 (01:06:58):
Yeah, yeah, it's it's pretty good. I mean, one of
them is moving out, but we got another guy coming in.
It's it's hanging, we're chilling it it's it's we've been
living in this apartment basically, this is the apartment that
I moved into. It's been three years and I'm not
going anywhere. It's just me, the boys and a cat.

Speaker 2 (01:07:16):
It's been nice.

Speaker 3 (01:07:17):
How old are you guys? What's the age range of
the of the of the boys.

Speaker 1 (01:07:21):
We're twenty eight, twenty nine.

Speaker 3 (01:07:23):
Cool, pretty good.

Speaker 1 (01:07:25):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's been solid.

Speaker 2 (01:07:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:07:28):
Now, I don't know. Now we're just like we've kind
of like exited the stage of getting used to each
other and now we're just kind of I don't know,
we're walking around and like it's just playing sports. I guess,
you know. We had a we had a we had
a Saint Patti's Day party.

Speaker 2 (01:07:44):
That was one thing.

Speaker 1 (01:07:45):
It's like, Saint Patrick's Day is not a thing that
people gave much of a shit about in Florida, at
least not an experience. I moved here and it's like, oh, no,
you guys do this ship. Oh this is this is real.
You drink a lot. You drink a lot. Actually, that's
one thing I would say so when I was on
my antidepressants, you know, like I wouldn't say I like

(01:08:07):
to go crazy when I drink, but I like to
have a few drinks. You know, I've never been. I
have blacked out in my life four times, and all
of four of those times were while I was on antidepressants.

Speaker 3 (01:08:22):
Yeah, they do tend to amplify the effects of like
drugs and alcohol.

Speaker 2 (01:08:28):
Dude.

Speaker 4 (01:08:28):
It was nuts.

Speaker 1 (01:08:29):
It was absolutely nuts. I mean like it wasn't like, oh,
I had five or six drinks. Is like, no, I'm
on beer number four and I don't remember yesterday anymore,
you know, Like, so, yeah, some crazy shit happened while
I was while I was on antidepressants, and eventually I
was just like, I don't know, I'm not gonna I'm
not gonna stop drinking, but I guess I I guess

(01:08:52):
I can't. I guess I have to, you know. So
that was a weird That was a weird stage.

Speaker 3 (01:08:56):
You know, did you get I was I gonna say,
did you get into any trouble when you blacked out?
Like did you did you fuck yourself up? Or was
it typically pretty controlled blackout?

Speaker 5 (01:09:09):
I would say.

Speaker 1 (01:09:10):
The weirdest thing that happened to me while I was
on anti presidens blacking out was that I went to
a birthday like travel day. We went to We got
an airbnb in like Pensacola, Florida, and I blacked out,
and I learned that I had like slept with a
girl while I was fully blacked out the first night,

(01:09:31):
and that was, like, I guess it was fine. It
was like a long weekend, and clearly nobody felt weird
about it. I felt a little weird because these were
all new people to me, like I didn't know them
that well. So I woke up after the first night
and everybody was being like super chummy with me and
super like cool and like friendly, like we had clearly
made great memories, except I couldn't remember fucking.

Speaker 3 (01:09:53):
End of that.

Speaker 1 (01:09:54):
Yeah, So I was like, okay, great, now I'm with
all these strang and they're being extra nice to me,
and also I guess I'm sleeping with one of them.
And I was like, okay, well, you know, we're gonna
relax a little bit and I'm gonna remember tonight. It
was like a two or three day weekend. So the
second night happened, and it happens again the exact same thing,

(01:10:17):
like fully blacked out, apparently slept with the same girl
and apparently, you know, everybody had a blast and we're
all good friends now.

Speaker 5 (01:10:26):
And.

Speaker 1 (01:10:28):
So I was just like, I was like flabbergas. I
was like, Okay, this is cool. I guess. So that
weekend ends and I go home and I'm like, okay, cool.
Well now I have new friends, I think. And also
there's a girl I guess I'm interested in. I should
probably kick her out on like a proper date, and like,
you know, see how that goes. So I do, and

(01:10:49):
we have a couple of glasses of wine at dinner,
and it fucking happens again, and so I have gone.
I've been like, apparently I've known this girl for a while,
and I've apparently slept with her on them birth times
and I had forgotten every single time of it. And
at that point I was just done. I was like, fuck,
this this sucks. You know what, I think, I'm good,
I'm good on Gainesville. I'm just gonna I'm gonna stop

(01:11:11):
doing whatever the fuck this is. And so yeah, I
think that was That was my inciting event. I stopped
talking to that girl and I just stopped drinking for
a while until I was off the ended at presence,
it was. It was a fucking bummer.

Speaker 3 (01:11:23):
I've never blacked out to the point where like I
don't remember stuff, you know, like that's it. It's a
that's an interesting phenomenon, Like I don't know what that's like.

Speaker 1 (01:11:34):
I remember, I remember like screenshots, you know, I got it.
I have a couple of glimpses. They're in there somewhere,
you know, and I could recall them to the best
of my but like if I recalled them, I could
get a little bit, you know. It was all of
those things, like I could wake up having known that
I had done that, right. But yeah, it was bizarre
and I've never had that experience since, like even this

(01:11:54):
past Saint Patrick's Day. I mean, I had a fair
amount to drink, you know, Saint Patrick's Day, but I
was like perfectly, I remember it all. It's all in here.
So yeah, I will say it's bizarre. It's comforting when
somebody tells you, hey, yeah, hey man, you were pretty drunk.
Wasn't that fun? And like there was no there's no
bad news, So like, at the very least that was comforting.

(01:12:17):
But it's it's bizarre and not very like I don't
know it. It doesn't feel good, I'll tell you that.

Speaker 3 (01:12:24):
Yeah, sure, Jonathan John, thanks for sharing your life story.
This was cool. It's good to think. I always like,
I always like a story of someone turning their life around.
You know, it gives it gives it gives hope to
the people. So thanks for giving hope to the people.

(01:12:48):
You know, you should do a better job at making
the sensors in the bathroom's work. But other than that,
other than that, you're doing pretty good. Is there anything
else you want to say the people of the computer
before we go, Jonathan?

Speaker 1 (01:13:03):
Yeah, I mean, I guess if you're if anybody's thinking
of I guess, turning your life around or whatever, just
just find something you think is cool and do it.
Just like, be somewhere regularly. Be at the I don't know, yeah,
be at a sport, be at the mall, be at
a coffee shot, just be somewhere. You'll meet people and

(01:13:24):
they'll probably help you through it.

Speaker 3 (01:13:26):
You know.

Speaker 1 (01:13:26):
It's it's it's it's not easy, but it is a
little simple.

Speaker 3 (01:13:32):
Hey, take care of Jonathan, good luck. Yeah, man, you too,
I do agree with that. That's good. Uh, good advice.
That's good advice. I mean that is kind of the secret.
I think the community is just showing up regularly somewhere.
You know, you every want you kind of want to
try to accomplish big things in one fell swoop, but

(01:13:58):
at the end of the day, it's like, yeah, fuck,
you gotta put in reps. Did fucking do anything? That
was Jonathan. This was the Therapy Gecko podcast. Thank you
all very much for listening. Thank you everyone who, by
the way, came out to my trash art event. If

(01:14:19):
you still want to come see it, it's on display
at the Kaleidoscope Gallery two six seven Irving Avenue, Brooklyn,
New York. It's on display I think until the twenty
second if you want to come see my trash Thank
you everyone came to that event. That was fun. I
want to do more shit like that. I don't know

(01:14:40):
what exactly. I don't know where exactly, probably probably still
in New York, but you know I'll be doing more
shit like that, So stay tuned. Thank you all very much.
I shall return soon with more podcasts of talking to
people and learning about life. Bye by talking to Pe.

(01:15:00):
I've been a Gecko and this has been the therapyical podcast.
Thank you all for listening. Hello folks, it's Lyle here.
That's the end of this episode. But get this, I'm
releasing a bonus episode this week. That's right, an entire
extra hour of the podcast that you can listen to

(01:15:23):
by becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko over at
therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Supercast subscribers get access
to bonus episodes, they get a completely ad free podcast
feed of the regular show, they get recordings from my
live shows, members only streams, and they help support my
ability to continue doing this podcast. So here's a clip

(01:15:46):
from this week's members only bonus episode.

Speaker 8 (01:15:50):
You guys would probably love each other, like, not in like, oh,
you guys should get married and live a long lifetile,
but more like you guys should bang it out and
you know, get off my.

Speaker 2 (01:16:02):
Back with a bit.

Speaker 3 (01:16:03):
That was nice, by the way, to set up your
your ex wife with your boss.

Speaker 8 (01:16:07):
Yeah, like people buy guns or buy guns. We're totally cool.

Speaker 1 (01:16:10):
We have a good we have a better relationship now
than you ever get at any.

Speaker 8 (01:16:13):
Point in our marriage.

Speaker 3 (01:16:14):
That's wonderful.

Speaker 8 (01:16:15):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it works out well. But she
got pregnant within two two weeks of even meeting him.
But he can't stand her, and I understand it.

Speaker 3 (01:16:26):
If you want to hear this full conversation, you can
sign up to become a Premium member at therapy Gecko
dot supercast dot com, or find the link in the
episode description that's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right,
I have nothing else to say

Speaker 8 (01:16:45):
Again, goes on the line thank you every nine goes
he's teaching you in line

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Lyle Drescher

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