“I’M HOOKING UP WITH MY CO-WORKER”

A caller navigates an intense workplace romance, a caller tries to overcome abandonment, a caller finds beauty in the small things, and a final caller has a life changing accident. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, Yeah, Yeah, what's up?

Speaker 2 (00:01):
Man?

Speaker 3 (00:02):
Hey, how's it going dude? What's your name?

Speaker 1 (00:05):
I'm Jimmy, Jimmy.

Speaker 3 (00:06):
What's going on, Jimmy? How's life?

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Life is actually pretty cool and a little complicated lately.
Hold on, I'm kicking my dog gack in the house.

Speaker 3 (00:14):
That's all right, man. Why is life? Well? I guess
we could start with why it's Why is it cool?

Speaker 1 (00:24):
I didn't think I would be alive still, Like, I'm
thirty two. I'm from Philly, and like, Philly is kind
of crazy. I'm sure you know because you went to
Temple mm hm. But I just moved out to like Colorado,
and I'm starting to like appreciate like the finer things
in life. I just like nature and mountains and so

(00:47):
that's kind of cool and like being alive and like
having benefits from my job.

Speaker 3 (00:53):
Why are you from North Philly?

Speaker 1 (00:55):
I'm from West Philly. I got I grow up right
next to the Man Music Center.

Speaker 3 (00:59):
Okay, that's where the fresh Prince of bel Araa grew up.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
I went to that same high school.

Speaker 3 (01:04):
No, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 (01:05):
I went to Overbrook High Is that where did.

Speaker 3 (01:08):
Did Will Smith grow up? In West Philadelphia?

Speaker 1 (01:12):
Like up the hill like a Overbrook area, Like yeah,
it's fifty ninth Street up that way.

Speaker 3 (01:17):
Ah wow, Why.

Speaker 1 (01:19):
That's too local. I'm going to get so micro.

Speaker 3 (01:22):
God you get get b b as you are.

Speaker 1 (01:27):
Ship.

Speaker 3 (01:27):
What the fuck was I gonna say?

Speaker 1 (01:28):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (01:28):
Yeah, when did you move to Colorado? Like recently?

Speaker 1 (01:33):
Yeah, about two years ago, going on two years? Two years,
I think in October?

Speaker 3 (01:37):
And so is life gooder in Colorado?

Speaker 1 (01:41):
Much much more gooder? The cheese steaks are not more gooder,
but everything else just about more gooder?

Speaker 3 (01:49):
And uh, why is why is it? Why is life complicated?

Speaker 1 (01:53):
Because I'm banging my coworker.

Speaker 3 (01:55):
Now you're banging your coworker. Yeah, why is that complicated?

Speaker 1 (02:03):
Because I thought about doing it for a while, but
I to be honest, I was mad depressed, and I
started therapy and like taking meds at the beginning of
this year, and that's like now reached. It's like it's
like it's culminating in this like hyper confidence. The other
day I was like I'm just go get her number,
and like we fucked like two days later.

Speaker 3 (02:24):
I ask again, why is this complicated?

Speaker 1 (02:26):
Because I see her like every day and like she
wants to like suck my dick at work.

Speaker 3 (02:33):
Okay, I mean.

Speaker 1 (02:37):
My problem is that.

Speaker 4 (02:39):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
This feels weird to me, like I didn't necessarily expect
that this was going to happen, like if I I
didn't think it would go as well as it has,
Like I expected it to be more weird. So I'm
waiting for like the other like the other foot to drop.

Speaker 3 (02:52):
If you know what I mean, what do you can ask?
What you what do you do?

Speaker 1 (02:57):
I cook?

Speaker 3 (02:57):
So like, yeah, I cook in a kitchen, yes, like
at a restaurant.

Speaker 1 (03:04):
No, but I cook it's in an institution.

Speaker 3 (03:13):
You cook in an institution, Okay, all right, okay, but
you work in a kitchen.

Speaker 1 (03:19):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (03:20):
Does she also work in the kitchen?

Speaker 1 (03:22):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (03:23):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
I mean, have you ever done anything with a coworker? Lot?

Speaker 3 (03:30):
No, But I haven't really had co workers in a
long time.

Speaker 1 (03:41):
That's fair, That's fair. Yeah, I kind of not really
ever had co workers until I came out here because
I just used to do a bunch of like random
odd JANKI shit for money. So now it's like maybe
I wasn't supposed to Like I'm still learning like corporate
I guess, like boleance and how to behave myself.

Speaker 3 (04:00):
But well, well look look, look, look his I mean,
this is a few things, right, It's like what this
job that you're at, It's just like it's just like
a thing that you do. You give a Do you
care about this job? Like, like do you care about
it beyond? Like this is just kind of what I
do for Like do you see like a long term
I care about this job. I care about being here.

(04:21):
I care about this being a very comfortable environment for me.

Speaker 1 (04:25):
Now I'm planning my eggsit already.

Speaker 3 (04:27):
Oh, then have sex with your coworker who gives this shit?

Speaker 1 (04:31):
Okay, Well I guess it was that simple. That's kind
of I was kind of thinking that myself though, like
this is a good time, Like I planning on going
to school in January to get a certification so I
can like get the hell out of here in the
next few months. Anyway.

Speaker 3 (04:44):
Yeah, so yeah, I don't know, I don't I mean,
if I that's but that's kind of how I feel.
It's like if I'm well, I won't say coworker, but
like if I'm in any let's say I've had places
in my life that I returned to frequently and I'd

(05:07):
like to not have sex with anyone, uh, in those
places that I am at frequently, if these are locations, institutions, whatever, whatever,
that I see myself having like long term relationships with right.
But if but if I'm like, but if you if

(05:27):
I were at a job that was like, I'm planning
my exit from this job actively, then I I don't
think I would, you know, care, because it wouldn't be that,
it wouldn't feel I mean, even if it does feel
awkward or whatever.

Speaker 1 (05:45):
I mean, it's kind of fun too, like your life.

Speaker 3 (05:50):
Okay. Is she having a good time?

Speaker 1 (05:53):
I think so? Okay, everything I think everybody in Colorado
seems to just be constantly having a good time. Like
there's nothing serious about this. But that's like a whole
other thing.

Speaker 3 (06:04):
Okay, is she as she is? She like hinting that
she wants, like, uh, more than just to suck your
dick at work.

Speaker 1 (06:16):
Yeah, but it's it's just more variations of like that.
I think I fear I may have unlocked something that
I might not be able to control.

Speaker 3 (06:25):
Now in what sense, Like.

Speaker 1 (06:31):
I didn't think that she was going to be like
this freaky if that makes sense.

Speaker 3 (06:35):
Okay, I mean that's fine, But I guess like, is
she like does she like like she is she like wanting?
Is she like having sex with you? She wants you
to be like like eventually become her boyfriend. I don't
think so okay, I don't know this doesn't this sounds
not that I think you would. You would probably know

(06:59):
if that was the case. I think.

Speaker 1 (07:03):
I would think, so okay.

Speaker 3 (07:07):
So yeah, I don't know if this doesn't sound particularly complicated.

Speaker 1 (07:10):
But that's sick. I don't wanna.

Speaker 2 (07:12):
I'm not gonna take up too much Marie of time.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
So I can go back and listening you can get from.

Speaker 3 (07:15):
That's wait, where where? What are you? What are you
going to do when you leave the kitchen.

Speaker 1 (07:20):
I'm pretty much gonna try and get my boss's job
somewhere else. Yeah, he runs the department that is the kitchen,
the dietary part of the of the institution. But he's
kind of a dort. He's a lot of a dirt Like.
I hate this guy. I'm always like busting his balls
and I'm telling him how much of a fucking loser

(07:40):
he is and whatever. But I can't complain anymore, really,
because my plan now was to just go ahead and
do it in my own kitchen, run my own kitchen
the way I want to.

Speaker 3 (07:51):
Why do you think this guy is a dork?

Speaker 1 (07:54):
He he lacks leadership qualities, but he's the leader. He's
a neo baby like his his wife's has a relative
or something that got him in the job because they
work there. Like, he doesn't even have the certification that
I'm ready to go to school for to get, which

(08:14):
is how you get that position. He's a NEPO baby.
He's a packers fan, a bunch more stuff. But yeah,
he just really yeah, he doesn't leave us. Well, he's
lost the locker room. When are you're coming back to Denver?

Speaker 3 (08:30):
I don't know. Maybe I'm maybe I'll eventually come back
to Denver.

Speaker 4 (08:33):
I was.

Speaker 3 (08:33):
I always have a great time in Denver. I've been
to Denver like five or six times. I think I've
gone like every single year since twenty nineteen. It's a
great town, good place. I don't know. When are you
coming to What do you I don't I'm sorry, I

(08:54):
don't have a retort. What's your name again?

Speaker 1 (08:58):
Jimmy?

Speaker 3 (08:59):
Jimmy, Jimmy. Uh, you seem like an Jimmy. I have
fun with your life, Jimmy. It's very short, sorry to
say an existential thing. Good luck, Jimmy, are you hey?
What's up?

Speaker 1 (09:13):
Oh my god?

Speaker 3 (09:14):
Lyle yes?

Speaker 4 (09:16):
Hi hi hi uh hi Sorry, I was not actually
expecting that the work. I uh, my name is Beuford.

Speaker 3 (09:27):
Beuford. What a name. That's a sick name. I like
that name.

Speaker 1 (09:31):
Yeah. Thanks.

Speaker 4 (09:32):
You don't really see that many people around with the
name Buford these days, like an ancient times name themes.

Speaker 3 (09:40):
What a what a great name, Beuford? What's going on
in your life? Buford?

Speaker 4 (09:45):
Uh? Stuff, man, stuff, I'm long I've heard I know
you've heard this probably like a million times, but I've
been listening to you for about like two years now.

Speaker 3 (09:58):
Cool awesome, Yeah, it's.

Speaker 4 (10:01):
You've been definitely, uh, a big part of my day
for a while. I've been listening as much as a
late Sorry, there's a bunch of seagulls squawking around me.

Speaker 1 (10:11):
Right you.

Speaker 3 (10:13):
Ford, You're you're you're more than al right, you're more
than all right. Yeah, No, I appreciate you. I appreciate you. Well.
Ship Here we.

Speaker 4 (10:24):
Are, Yeah, yeah, we're here.

Speaker 1 (10:27):
We're here.

Speaker 4 (10:29):
I guess what I really wanted to talk about. Sorry,
I'm walking to my car right now. I got people
in my room. I can't really get an eight piece
out here right now just because.

Speaker 1 (10:42):
People.

Speaker 4 (10:43):
Yeah, but I wanted to guess, what's been going on
in my life? Is I guess a lot of abandonment.

Speaker 1 (10:52):
It seems like.

Speaker 4 (10:55):
A couple months back, I was in a relationship for
about we'll say, like eight months, and I had a
decent friend group around here. And uh, this is after
I moved, I moved away from my home and yeah,

(11:21):
it's just been a little rough. But I lost the
girl and I've lost a lot of those friends. And
she was the only one who was around, so we
still kept hanging out. But it seems like, yeah, eventually
she's got tired of me too, and I don't.

Speaker 2 (11:43):
Yeah, these last couple of weeks, Yeah, I have.

Speaker 4 (11:46):
Something really important coming up. But it's been really hard
to focus on anything else other than you know, just
my life, well my life outside of my work.

Speaker 3 (12:02):
What is what is this important thing coming up?

Speaker 4 (12:06):
So it's a test. I want to go into too
much detail, but it's a big test that will impact
what I do next. Basically if I make a lot
of money next or not. Uh, if I fail this test,
I got to basically start from scratch. If I passed

(12:28):
this test, I got some word stuff that I need
to do. But you know, I'll be able to move
forward at least. But there's something that's been looming over
me for I want to say a year and a
half now. So yeah, I've been kind of stuck in
this one place with this test looming over me, you know,

(12:51):
towards the end of you know, the end of everything.
When I feel like I'm ready to take the test
and everything, everything just kind of starts, you know, crashing down.
In my personal.

Speaker 3 (13:03):
Life, can ask how old you are?

Speaker 4 (13:09):
I just turned twenty five?

Speaker 3 (13:11):
Cool? Uh? And why did you Why did you lose
all your friends?

Speaker 4 (13:21):
It's been going on for a while, but it's either
they move away or you know, they uh, I want
to say a lot of cases they get into relationships
and uh yeah, it's like the typical bits like I'm sorry,
you know, I want to hang out with you, but

(13:42):
you know, Sydney wants to go get groceries or something
like that, and that's obviously going to take the entire day.

Speaker 1 (13:47):
So I can't.

Speaker 2 (13:48):
I can't call you, or I can't I can't like,
you know, sit on discord.

Speaker 1 (13:52):
For a little bit.

Speaker 3 (13:53):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (13:54):
Like I get it. And you know, when I was
in the relationship, I was to an extra kind of
like that, but you know, completely abandoning relationships with people
that I've known for like five years, like just losing
them just like, you know, am I the problem? Because

(14:17):
it seems like it's always happening to me. And it's
like whenever I ask or like you know, could bought
them about it, I'm just like, you know, why aren't
we talk as much? They're just like, yeah, you're a
great guy. You know, I love hanging out with you.
It's just, you know, Tom moves on.

Speaker 3 (14:35):
Yeah, yeah, It's kind of a thing of life. And
you know, here's the thing, man, and I, you know,
I relate to a lot of the stuff that you're saying,
and I have my own thoughts about it and and
I and I really can only approach the situation from

(14:57):
the way that I like to think about this ship,
in the way that I've approached it in my own life.
And you know, some people like to talk about I
was told, you know, can I go on a rant
you for two seconds?

Speaker 4 (15:10):
Oh yeah, please please?

Speaker 3 (15:12):
I Okay. So I've been I've been going back to therapy,
and my therapist said, so I people might think I'm insane,
but whatever. My therapist said something to me where she
was like, you got to learn how to be comfortable
being alone, and that fucking and I know what she

(15:36):
means when she says that. She means you have to
be okay with being alone because when you're okay with
being alone, you are then able to approach your life.
She didn't say this, I inferred this, but when you're

(15:58):
okay with being alone, you are able to approach your
life with a greater sense of power than if you're like,
not okay with being alone. But I hate the notion
that you're supposed to be okay with being alone, or

(16:22):
that you're supposed to be happy being alone. I fucking
hate when people say that. Because human being, we are
biologically wired to not be okay with being alone. It
sucks to pretend that it doesn't, or to pretend that

(16:47):
you're supposed to be alone and be happy with that
and be okay with that is ridiculous. It's a ridiculous thing.
People might disagree with me, but we're biologically wired to
not be alone. That being said, I understand it's very
helpful to become comfortable with being alone so that you

(17:09):
can approach your life with power. And so I take
those two things and I look at this and I
look at it very logistically, because that's how I like
to look at the problems of my life and how I,
you know, do shit in my life. And I go, Okay,
you know, you really inherently cannot rely on people because

(17:32):
they exist outside of your control. That's like the stoic thing.
And now stoicism can also be a certain form of avoidance.
And if you lean too heavily into it, and you
lean too heavily into that, you close yourself off to others.
And you don't want to do that. You want to
open yourself up to others and accept and understand that

(17:54):
they might fuck your shit, you know, and accept that
getting your shit fucked by others because you trusted them
is just a part of life. And you feel sad
and you feel bad about it, but it's just hits
you and you let it hit you. All that being said,
I like to look at these things very logistically. So

(18:18):
I'm like, in my life, when I've felt alone and
I've felt like I had like friends that were like
flaky on me or you know, relationships that didn't work
out or whatnot. I've kind of logistically gone, what can
I do to put myself in situation like this is

(18:39):
where you take your power back? Is you go, what
can I do to put myself in situations where I
am around people? And how do I empower myself to
talk to those people and to make those people want

(18:59):
to be around me and to be the kind of
person that other people want to be around. And I
approach this from like a logistical way, So yeah, I guess, yeah,
I'll go ahead.

Speaker 4 (19:14):
God no, I was gonna say, because yeah, I feel
the exact same way when it comes to when it
comes to just telling somebody be comfortable being alone. But
like the problem is I'm lonely, right, Like, you know,
how do you get to that point?

Speaker 3 (19:33):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (19:34):
And I made attempts to Like where I'm at, its
kind of like, you know, it has a couple of
areas where I can just you know, kind of go
at and you know, it gets me out of the
room because one my roommate usually in the room, but
twenty four to seven. But also, yeah, I just want
to I don't like being in the room by myself. Anymore,

(19:56):
because now it's just like I'm sitting here and I'm
thinking about all this stuff that it happened, and like
what did I do wrong? Like why did I do this?
And you know, so I'm going out and trying to,
you know, put myself into spaces, but now I'm finding
out that's like when I get into these spaces, I'm
still kind of alone because I'm like not really, I

(20:19):
don't know. I don't know if I'm like scared now
to talk to anybody just because I've had so many
what lost relationships, or if like you know, nobody just
actually wants to speak to me. You know, I don't
know if I like look weird or you know something
I think, don't think that's weird that I'm like five

(20:41):
foot nothing.

Speaker 3 (20:42):
But well you can't, yeah, but you can't go Like
there's a lot of a lot of the like uh,
internal being comfortable, being alone and stuff, as it does
piss me off, but then a lot of it has
like such deep truth to it, you know, and the

(21:02):
parts of it that have deep the parts of it
that have deep truth to it are the parts that
are how you perceive yourself. I don't think I don't
think I don't think how you perceive people say how
you how you perceive yourself as how other people perceive you.
I don't think that's a one to one translation at all.
I think that's kind of bullshit. But how you perceive

(21:24):
yourself is like extremely important to how other people like
perceive you. So if you walk around being like, oh,
people don't want to be around me, people don't like me,
blah blah blah, all this stuff, even if you are
five foot nothing, even if you are you know, whatever,
these things you think you are like, it will not

(21:48):
help you to have to carry that around. So that's
an important thing to attack, is like, yeah, that that
kind of negative like self image. Yeah. So and so
you have this big test coming up, and I think, well,

(22:14):
a couple of things. I mean, I think that obviously
it makes a lot of sense that you're very like
distracted by all of this ship going on in your
personal universe, right, but uh, it sounds like the test
is very important to you, and like, you know, kinda

(22:36):
get it's it's maybe not forever, but it's okay to
get on your fucking sigma male wolf meme, Uh, grind
set for a bit and just be like, let me
fucking hone in on this test and let me, you know,
get my money up. Yeah, right, because because all these

(22:59):
things feed into it each other, and money is important
because when you have money, when you have some money,
now you're like, Okay, I have some money, maybe I'll
join a fucking you know thing of some kind now,
and then maybe I'll start going out to these places
and doing these things that you know cost money to do.
But now now you have kind of a little bit

(23:20):
of a foundation for you to like kind of start
like ideal idea. In an ideal world, you're not knocking
on people's doors constantly to get them to want to
be around you. You're just strategically building a life where
you are naturally around people. And that's that to me,

(23:42):
that's the best way to do it. And it's and
it's hard, but it's very but it's possible if you're
intentional about it. I believe, where do you live, not
like your address, but like what part of the town, Well,
part of America?

Speaker 4 (23:55):
Oh so right now, I'm in Ohio.

Speaker 3 (23:59):
Well part of do you live like a city or
do you live.

Speaker 4 (24:01):
In like, yeah, Cincinnati, Ohio?

Speaker 3 (24:03):
Yes, Okay, this ship, this ship happening in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Speaker 4 (24:07):
Mm hmm, yeah, it's uh yeah, Cincinnati. Uh what was it?
But right now I'm in uh sorry, right now, I'm
in Cali.

Speaker 3 (24:19):
Okay, I live in Cincinnati.

Speaker 4 (24:22):
All this stuff is happening in Cincinnati, but I'm in
Cali for a little bit.

Speaker 3 (24:26):
Okay, is that where you're like from?

Speaker 1 (24:29):
Oh?

Speaker 4 (24:29):
No, but I have family out here.

Speaker 3 (24:31):
Okay, all right, Yeah, when's when's your big when's your
big test?

Speaker 4 (24:37):
My big test is Monday, oh ship. Yeah, so it's
pretty soon. But the thing is, I feel fine for
the test and I feel like confident about it that
I had like a practice one a couple of months back,
and yeah, I didn't do too well, but after, you know,

(25:00):
after grinding a little bit, I feel like I'm more
prepared for it. So we'll see how it goes this
next time. But and you know, if things don't work out,
it is.

Speaker 2 (25:12):
What it is.

Speaker 4 (25:12):
At this point, I'm just I think I'm more ready
to just kind of be done with this part of
my life because I feel like I've been preparing for
this forever and it's been kind of keeping me from
addressing things and you know, kind of like getting into
anything new because I've been mainly focused on just trying

(25:33):
to do this.

Speaker 3 (25:34):
Yeah, so yes, yeah, you.

Speaker 4 (25:37):
Pass or fail is going to be some sort of
a relief to where it feels like I'm going to
at least get back to a normal life and start
doing something different.

Speaker 1 (25:46):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (25:47):
I like that, and I felt that way about things
in my life constantly all the time. So and yeah,
it's on Monday, so I mean, yeah, you'll you'll probably
feel some kind of like reset after the fact. Anyway, Right,
there's this concept that I'm thinking about a lot of
like you know, I mean, there's no word for it,

(26:10):
but you know, I mean, people do this whole thing
where they're like once X, once X happens, then why
will happen? Or after why, I'll feel z or after
you know what I mean, Like after this, I'll finally
feel this and that and the other thing. And sometimes
and that's I've lived a lot in my life like that.
And sometimes you are correct. People say, like you you know,

(26:36):
there might be some fucking Instagram meme or a thing
that says you're always waiting to live your life, but
sometimes it actually is true. Sometimes it is actually true that. Yeah,
sometimes it is true that once you're over certain things,
your life is different. What is what is pretty much
never true is that you live a life without any problems,

(27:00):
but you might objectively be living life with less intense
like I do believe in uh, there being a there
of some kind in some sense as to like how
we're like narratively structuring our lives. But you're still gonna
have problems.

Speaker 1 (27:21):
You know.

Speaker 3 (27:21):
It's not like you're gonna burst into ethereal light after
this test is over. You still have to be in
your stupid human body and you still have to live
with your stupid human brain and all those things. But
I mean, I say, sprint to the finish on the test,
and you know, I think I think it's cool. I

(27:42):
think it's I think it's good. But yeah, again, I
would just figure out how to kind of naturally build
your life that you're around people, and I would try
to be smart about it. And it's never been it's
never been easier to do that than now. And I
don't know what this test is for, what the job
is for. I you know, you don't have to tell
me if I guess it. But maybe it's like an

(28:02):
l stats thing or a fucking med thing or whatever.

Speaker 4 (28:09):
Let's say it's a mad thing. But let's just say
it's a mad thing.

Speaker 3 (28:12):
Okay, all right, Well that's as far.

Speaker 1 (28:14):
As I'll go.

Speaker 4 (28:14):
I just don't want to I don't want to expose
myself out.

Speaker 3 (28:18):
That's okay, that's okay, all right. Yeah, I mean you'll
take the test. It sounds like you're well prepared for it.
I hope you do well. I hope you get this job.
I hope you make this money that you need to
do these things. But yeah, I just would spend as
little time kind of dwelling on these things as possible

(28:39):
and as most most time, like being very strategic about
how you can build your life to be around other people.
But by the way, it fucking sucks, you know, like
like the grief is the grief of like a breakup
or of like friends that you thought would be in
your life. Yeah, not being there's good. I like to

(29:02):
blend there's you know, I'm very interested in like blending
the two ideas, the like competing ideas. There's because there's
a very there's a like parts of my brain that
are like you know, the emotional ethereal ones that are
like you need to feel your feelings and you need

(29:24):
to you know, uh, feel your grief, and you need
to be comfortable with being alone, and you need to
this and and I think there's there's a ton of
validity to those things. But but also I want to
match them up with like, okay, but you also need
like logistically can empirically figure out and move you know,
a pawns around a board to be like okay, But

(29:47):
how do I then fix these problems? Because I I
go to sometimes I go to therapy, and I like,
you know, it's all about the feelings part of it.
And I just hate that because I think you need
a little you need half of that, and then you
need a half of like okay, but what the fuck
are we gonna you know, do Yeah, anyway, sorry, there's
a whole rant.

Speaker 4 (30:08):
But oh no, no, you're good, You're good. Yeah. I
actually was talking to somebody like a couple of weeks back,
bringing up like the thing with grief. I never really
saw grieving with like actual relationships. I always just related
it to like, you know, death or you know, maybe

(30:32):
like I don't know, losing a friend or something like that.
But I never really thought of it as like a
grieving over a relationship because I think I definitely that
that also has impacted me a little bit too, because
around the time of that practice test is when things ended.
But you know, I kept prolonging the relationship. But now

(30:52):
she's like completely gone. She's like in a totally different
place now, And yeah, it's been suck on my mind
because I feel like I did a lot and I
don't really understand as to why like things ended, especially
since she still wanted to be friends and just yeah,

(31:15):
I don't I don't know why it had to end.

Speaker 3 (31:18):
There was a lady in the in the previous podcast
where she was talking about how she got divorced, and
she was like she opened it up with being like,
you can do everything right and still uh get fucked.

Speaker 2 (31:33):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 3 (31:34):
I'm sorry, No, that's not that's not really comforting.

Speaker 4 (31:38):
No, No, I think what was that The lady who
I think it was, she said her husband was like
doing cocaine or something like that.

Speaker 3 (31:46):
Yes, yeah, yeah, that was fair.

Speaker 4 (31:47):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I remember that.

Speaker 3 (31:52):
But yeah, can do everything right but still get fucked.
But also again it's like you, I just you see
you sound and I don't know if I don't want
to put words in your mouth, but you sound like
you have like a bad self image.

Speaker 4 (32:12):
You you'd be right, you'd be right. And why I
don't know I've based it off because.

Speaker 3 (32:23):
I know I did.

Speaker 4 (32:24):
There was a time I didn't feel like this. I
didn't feel like this, and I want to say it
was like early into high school. You know, I didn't
give it, Damn. I was just you know, I go home,
I played pucking Super Mario my family, and I would
give a crap. Uss. I think it was around the
time when I started, like, you know, being forced to

(32:47):
get into like more social situations where it's like, you know,
my dad's over here forcing me to get a job,
and you know, I started making friends and it's like,
oh wow, I like this feeling of like actually hanging
out with people outside. You know, well, I'm gonna go
hang out with these dudes every day. And I think
it was like once I saw that they started getting

(33:07):
into relationships and that you know, they were moving on
with their lives and that I was, you know, kind
of still just working. Yeah, why do you think that?

Speaker 3 (33:22):
Sorry, God, go ahead, why do you so? I mean,
I guess like, in this moment, why do you feel
like you have bad like self image. I think.

Speaker 4 (33:37):
I think it's a comparison thing. It's it's definitely a
comparison thing, because yeah, I compare myself a lot to
other people, like you know, in my class, Like you know,
walking around on campus, you see all these people you know,
with like a much of like four or five groups
of friends or you know, with girlfriends, and like, I'm

(34:00):
over here walking by myself over here now kind of
wishing I could talk to somebody. Yeah, you know, even
when I've given the opportunity, sometimes I just I get afraid,
you know, cause I just don't really want to have
to be in that situation where it's like I made
a friend and now they're gone after like you know,

(34:22):
two or three months. It's like I really got close
to this person and now they just leave my life
and I did all this stuff.

Speaker 2 (34:31):
What for.

Speaker 3 (34:35):
The I mean, first of all, by the way, I know,
you're comparing yourself to other people, but you're very much
not alone. This is like, honestly, probably, this is honestly
probably You're you're twenty five, so are we we're gen Z.

Speaker 4 (34:49):
Right, I think, yeah, yeah, gen Z.

Speaker 3 (34:52):
I think I think this is a strong problem of
our generation in general, so you're not like you're not alone,
Like you're like this idea that everybody else is out
at being amazing and you're the only one dealing with
this is not true?

Speaker 2 (35:12):
You know.

Speaker 3 (35:13):
I remember being in college. I remember being in college
and anytime I was like in my dorm room, like
on a Friday night, I would always think I would
always feel like a loser, you know, if I was like, uh,
you know, like not doing something. And then like I remember,

(35:34):
you know, you see, I would walk around the dorm
and like you'd see a few other people who are
also in the dorm or like doing homework or some shit,
and you you you realize that like, uh, not everyone.
You realize that where you're uh looking is not a

(35:57):
sample size that's reflective of the entire population of the earth, right.

Speaker 1 (36:02):
Right, I get.

Speaker 4 (36:04):
I know I'm not the only person who like feels
that way. It's just always in the environment. And I
know it's like even then, like, I know, there's probably
another person who's walking around that maybe feels that way.
I guess maybe I'm just not focused on them.

Speaker 3 (36:22):
It could be, yeah, but but but I don't even
I don't even I don't even think you should be
focused on anyone but your yourself in this sense, and
like what you want and what you and what you
what you want is to is you want community, you
want friends, and you want a girlfriend. And the way
I think to get those things.

Speaker 1 (36:43):
Is to.

Speaker 3 (36:45):
It's probably some it's probably some combination of a developing
a better like image of yourself and then but that's
that's its own can of worms to be opened. But
that's like one of the pillars. And then B is
like logistically going like, okay, where is a place that

(37:06):
I can go to regularly once, two, three times a
week where it's not like because you know, when like
you fucking like meet someone and like you like, certain
friendships require active effort for you to see each other
right and develop a thing. And that's uh. I always

(37:30):
feel like that fails five times out of ten or
six or seven because it just requires too much active effort.
Whereas if you're in a thing or you've created a
thing where you're just all you have to do is
show up and people are there and you just keep
showing up and everyone just kind of naturally gathers. Like
that's what real community is. It's rarer and rarer to

(37:54):
find it, but it exists out there for those willing
to go find it and willing to like uh find out,
or or for those willing to create it. So it exists.
So I mean, that's my advice is I think that
if you're gonna approach your friendships from a point of like,

(38:16):
you know, oh, maybe I meet someone and like we
regularly schedule a hangout once a week or so, they
it just it's just like hard, whereas like the easiest
thing to do, the easy way, easier way to approach
it is like, Okay, what are spaces I can regularly
show up to? Because when I'm regularly showing up to

(38:36):
those places, these things occur naturally as opposed to requiring
like this this effort. I mean, I look, man, I
I you know, for a while, I mean I do,
I don't. I don't. I don't have coworkers, you know,
Yeah that I like see every day, you know, I work,

(38:59):
you know, I do this podcast, I work from home.
I do my own little weird side, you know, I
do my little projects, and like, you know, I'm kind
of you know, uh, and and that was that was
really hard for me for a while. And then I
I joined, like, I joined a coworking space that I
go to and now I like I show up at
this place like almost every day to like sit and

(39:23):
do my you know, my make my videos and do
these things. And and as a result of doing that,
I've like met a lot of people and made a
lot of friends very naturally, you know, and it's been great.
It's been like a huge life change and to find
an environment like that, And so I think everyone needs

(39:44):
some kind of environment like that where they that allows
for the serendipity and the natural connection of you know,
meeting with people and you and it's it's available and
it's a a a it's if you live in a
major city of some kind, it's available to you and
be if it's not, you can make it. So I

(40:09):
don't know what you I don't know what you like.
I don't know what you're what you like outside of
taking tests, I do well.

Speaker 2 (40:18):
Uh.

Speaker 4 (40:19):
I love Nintendo games. I know you've talked about Super
Smash Bros.

Speaker 1 (40:22):
A lot. I used to go to.

Speaker 4 (40:23):
Smash It's pretty often. Oh yeah, music, Yeah, I've gotten
into writing, and you know, I want to get into
like kind of making my own music. Eventually at some
point like learning how to like play the piano or
something like that. Or yeah, maybe go to a bar,
pull out of harmonica and start spit it or something
like that.

Speaker 3 (40:44):
Okay, here's my Okay, I'm going to end our conversation
by like I don't usually do this, but here's my
like concrete actual advice capital A. This is capital A advice. Okay,
if I were you this, how would structure my life?
As I would? First of all, I would I would
after you get on the off the phone with me,
I would spend the next forty eight hours studying as

(41:04):
hard as you can for this test and truly surrendering
to not think about anything else. And then you take
this test. And then when you I don't know if
you're gonna stay in California, if you're gonna go back
to Cincinnati. But if you go back to Cincinnati, you
fucking go on meetup dot com or you go on
Facebook or your search and you find a writer's group

(41:27):
or a fucking smash tournament or a jam session. And
if you and you go and you just show up
to that once a week and and I think I
already really did this on the podcast before but whatever,
you you show up and the first uh time, second time,

(41:49):
third time, maybe fourth, fifth, sixth time you show up,
you're gonna feel super weird and alienated from everyone, Like
you're gonna you're gonna go in, but you're gonna go
in understanding and accept that that's how you're going to
feel the first four or five six times you show up.
But you still go because eventually you'll, like it's supposed

(42:12):
to feel that way when you first show up, but
then eventually you acclimate yourself and if none of those
things exist, you start your own. So that's what I
would suggest that you do, because I think you'll unlock
a new little kind of pathway that you didn't really
because you want to find this community and then you

(42:33):
you don't want to just be like a background character
in it. You want to find a way to add
value to it. So if it's like a writing group,
you know, fucking you know, give, give, raise your hand
when they're asking for the crits, or or give or
or give or share the work or just do something
to kind of you know, force yourself to be seen.

(42:54):
So that's that's that's my advice.

Speaker 4 (42:58):
That's that's really good advice that's actually really in the place.

Speaker 3 (43:01):
I hope you take it. Let me know if you do.
It would make me very happy to hear that you
took it and it worked out well for you. So
good luck. What's your name again, Beauford? How did I
forget that? Buford is a good name?

Speaker 4 (43:19):
Thank you, le This means a lot. I actually did
not think I was gonna get on the phone with
you like ever in my life.

Speaker 1 (43:25):
So thank you.

Speaker 3 (43:26):
Thank you of course, man. I appreciate you sharing your
your your time and your vulnerability with us. Is there
anything else you want to say to the people of
the computer before we go.

Speaker 4 (43:36):
Just everyone have an amazing day, and I don't know,
eat a bag of chips.

Speaker 3 (43:43):
Eat your favorite chip or something beautiful. Hey, take care
of you for good luck.

Speaker 4 (43:49):
Thank you, le bye.

Speaker 3 (43:53):
Those Buford Beufford is a good guy. Uh, this is
this is totally a I know, I know that that's
a topic that is like we've covered a lot on
this show. Yeah, I think everyone feels that way. I've

(44:13):
felt that way significantly throughout my life, you know, not
just and throughout different epochs of my life, you know,
throughout sometimes in college, sometimes as like an adult, sometimes uh,
you know, and so I don't know. I think I've
like kind of uh figured out ways to ways to

(44:34):
do that, and I think people have like a kind
of wrong approach to it that's very based on like
I'm going to meet a person and we're going to
meet for lunch once a week or something. It's just
too it's not natural, I guess in that way. Okay, Hello, Hi, Kjoe. Hi,

(45:02):
what's your name. I'm Jess, Jess. What's up, Jess? Have
we uh, have we ever spoken before?

Speaker 2 (45:10):
No?

Speaker 5 (45:10):
We never have. I called in a bunch of times,
but this is the first time.

Speaker 3 (45:14):
Oh, wonderful, wonderful. Well, what's up, Jess. What's going on
with you?

Speaker 5 (45:21):
I'm just thrilled to be on the phone with you.

Speaker 4 (45:23):
I'm just.

Speaker 5 (45:26):
I'm here on this. I'm in southern California and I've
been dying to talk to you forever, hanging out with
my boyfriend. He's heard me call into your show a
bunch of times.

Speaker 3 (45:41):
M hm, Well, Louie, let me ask you this. I
guess to start off our conversation, was there anything in
particular that you wanted to call in to talk about.
It's okay if not, no, I don't.

Speaker 5 (45:57):
I don't think, so get into whatever what you got
going on today?

Speaker 3 (46:02):
Uh? What do I got going on today? I don't know.
I could blab about myself, but I'm I don't. I
don't have a lot about myself to blab, to be honest,
right now, I mean, I mean, look, you know you
uh you said you've called into the show multiple times
and you listen to the show and you've heard people,

(46:25):
uh you know, start to just talk about their lives
and what's going on. And have you ever at any
point during that thought about what you might want to
talk about were you to be on the show.

Speaker 5 (46:39):
Oh, I sure have. I think I thought about because
I know it's we're on this whole existential kick.

Speaker 3 (46:47):
We don't have to be. We don't have to be.
I'm letting you know, we don't have to be. We
don't have to be. We can be, we can be,
we also can be, just letting you know. Anyway, go ahead.

Speaker 5 (46:57):
Sorry, I don't I don't think I really want to be.
But what I've thought about through all of these all
of these like deep things, is just also to talk
about like the beauty of life, because you know, we
can talk about all these like deep things about like
what does it mean? And I thought about maybe what

(47:18):
it all means is just to be able to see
like the sun rise and like to feel the beauty
of it, and like maybe none of it means anything.

Speaker 3 (47:31):
You know, I'm actually to be honest, I'm actually over
my existential kick, which is it feels great. I love it.
I I normal life is nice. I hate I don't.
I hate thinking about uh so well, I get existential
thinking about how many people there are in the world.
That makes me existential. But I'm over it. It led

(47:55):
to nothing. That's the craziest part is that, I mean
I got definitely like I get to make some stuff
out of it, and I got some good conversations out
of it, and I think.

Speaker 4 (48:04):
That maybe that's the point.

Speaker 3 (48:06):
I don't know if it's I don't know if there
was ever a point, but it was. That's a nice
it was. That was a nice aftershock to it is that,
uh you know, it was nice nice. You know, I
felt something deeply and that's nice to do. But uh,

(48:27):
I don't care, you know, I don't care anymore.

Speaker 1 (48:29):
Now.

Speaker 3 (48:29):
I'm just like, I walk into a store and I
buy a bottle of soda and I walk out, and
I think about like my actual life. You know, I'm
not I'm I'm not thinking about existential stuff anymore. I'm
just kind of, like, you know, trying to live. I mean,
I kind of think about exsistential I mean, do you

(48:51):
do you think about existential stuff? You know what?

Speaker 5 (48:54):
I've thought about existential stuff forever, like since I was
like fifteen, and then I ended up at the point
that maybe maybe I'll never figure it out, but then you.

Speaker 3 (49:09):
Will. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm interrupting you. I'm terrible
at doing this now. But you you, you never will
figure it out. That's the whole point, is there.

Speaker 1 (49:17):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (49:17):
You know that's fucking what's his face? All the philosophers
and science people they never figured it out. So exactly,
I'm sorry I interrupted you. I shouldn't interrupted you. What
were we saying?

Speaker 1 (49:30):
No?

Speaker 5 (49:31):
But I think we can like think all day about,
you know, whatever life means, but.

Speaker 2 (49:40):
End of day we.

Speaker 5 (49:40):
Still end up like with these beautiful little interactions that
we have at the store or over the phone, are
you know, with our parents, our boyfriend's grandma or fucking
who knows, But it's all just as beautiful. We just
gotta find the point in that, and I think that's
what i've sometimes.

Speaker 3 (50:01):
Yeah, sometimes, Yeah, No, No, I don't think everything is
uh beautiful and amazing all the time. Sorry you call
with Jess your name, your name is Jess. I'm just sorry.
I I always show up to this thing as I am,
which if that is upsetting to people, I I that's fine,
But yeah, I don't. I don't think everything is beautiful

(50:23):
all the time, but they I don't think it should be,
you know, like, uh, sometimes it's okay for like things
to just be normal, Like going to the d m
V isn't beautiful, And it's sometimes beautiful and amazing. But
I think if you're if you're feeling I think if
you're feeling that really powerfully, if you're like, oh, look

(50:45):
at these people and wow, this is psychedelic, I don't. Yeah,
I can do that sometimes, but you don't want to
do that all the time because that's too it's just
too much, you know, at least for me, it feels too.
It feels too much.

Speaker 5 (50:59):
Isn't there isn't there power in the mundane? Like isn't
there something nice? Like even if it's not like, oh man,
this is like so beautiful. But I mean at least, like,
can you find beauty in the little things in life?

Speaker 3 (51:17):
Yeah? You can. I mean sure, yeah, you can find
beauty and everything. But I sometimes, uh, sometimes it's okay
to just go you know, sometimes it's okay to just
go to the bank. If you got to go to
the bank, you know, I.

Speaker 5 (51:32):
Mean hell yeah. But this that's finding like the beauty
and the little things is what has cured my existentialism.

Speaker 3 (51:42):
I think, good, good, I'm good. I'm glad that that
that that's been good. Good for you?

Speaker 5 (51:50):
Hell yeah, Well what have solved the such existentialism for you?

Speaker 3 (51:59):
The the march of time forward? And I mean also
I have like just uh, I mean I don't know, Vexus,
I don't know if it's been solved, but you know, yeah,
just a march forward of time and uh you know,
yeah time.

Speaker 5 (52:21):
Just knowing that it's all gonna happen no matter what.
That's what's pushing forward.

Speaker 3 (52:31):
I don't I don't know if there isn't it, well
like it's all going to happen. But what But what's
what's your life like, Jess, what do you got going
on in your in your regular life?

Speaker 5 (52:47):
Oh, my regular life. Well, I'm unemployed, which maybe that
helps all of this. But I live with my amazing
partner of almost eight years. I'm twenty six now, so
we've been together since I'm eighteen, and we live like

(53:07):
coastal southern California, and yeah, he works. I stay at home.
I just do some like dinners. Maybe I'm like the
bottomized but.

Speaker 1 (53:19):
Have a good time.

Speaker 3 (53:20):
Why do you, well, why do you say you're lo
bottomized girl?

Speaker 5 (53:24):
Because I'm just like a you know, stay at home girlfriend.
I'm almost eight years.

Speaker 3 (53:31):
Okay, I mean do you do you? I mean, do
you like life?

Speaker 1 (53:36):
Oh?

Speaker 5 (53:36):
I love life?

Speaker 3 (53:37):
That's great. Why do you say you're Why do you
think you're lo bottomized?

Speaker 1 (53:40):
Then?

Speaker 5 (53:41):
Oh, I don't know a girl, because I'm a girlfriend
of eight years, so maybe I should be married?

Speaker 3 (53:51):
Question mark, do you want to be married.

Speaker 5 (53:57):
So bad?

Speaker 1 (53:58):
So bad? Loyle?

Speaker 3 (54:01):
Then then what's stopping you from getting married?

Speaker 1 (54:05):
Oh?

Speaker 5 (54:05):
Well, my boyfriend's listening to the stream, so that's that's
the reason.

Speaker 3 (54:11):
Okay, I mean, what's the What is the difference between
what you got going on right now and being married?
I don't know, because you lived together and you, I
mean you already have a life together.

Speaker 5 (54:28):
And by the state of California. We're what is this like, not.

Speaker 3 (54:33):
Legally married, but domestic partnership.

Speaker 5 (54:36):
Domestic partnership, that's what it is.

Speaker 2 (54:38):
We go mm hmm, yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 5 (54:43):
It's just something there. I don't know. I could never
figure it out what exactly that is.

Speaker 1 (54:50):
M hmm.

Speaker 2 (54:52):
What do you think?

Speaker 3 (54:54):
What do I think about whether or not you should
get married?

Speaker 1 (54:58):
Well?

Speaker 5 (54:58):
That and then what do you think it is that
little like itch in my brain that tells me, well,
I know you're a therapist.

Speaker 3 (55:05):
Well, well this isn't What do I think is the
little itch in your brain that tells you, that tells
you what?

Speaker 5 (55:14):
Do they want to be married so badly?

Speaker 3 (55:18):
Why do I think you want to I don't. I
don't know if I can answer why I think you
want to get married? Why do you think you want
to get married? Why do you why do you think
you want to get married?

Speaker 5 (55:29):
I don't know, because I want a big wedding.

Speaker 3 (55:36):
Okay, Well, who's what Your boyfriend's in the other room
watching the stream? Yeah, well why should tell him you
want to get married?

Speaker 4 (55:44):
Oh?

Speaker 5 (55:45):
I told you?

Speaker 3 (55:45):
What do you say?

Speaker 2 (55:50):
Hmm?

Speaker 5 (55:51):
Well, we're just saving up money. It's exceptive here in California.

Speaker 3 (55:55):
Uh what to have a big ass wedding, Not a big.

Speaker 5 (55:59):
Ass you know, do something, but to have a wedding. Yeah,
M it's expensive, You're just in California. Just in general, it's.

Speaker 3 (56:09):
A legitimate reason. I mean yeah, I uh, it sounds
like you want. I mean you can want, you have,
you can have a little party.

Speaker 2 (56:20):
I can tell yeah, but.

Speaker 5 (56:23):
You know what, It'll happen in time. I'm at peace
with that. Uh.

Speaker 3 (56:31):
Well, Jess, Jess, let me ask you this, is there
any uh is there anything else that you really want?
I want to give you whatever you really wanted out
of this conversation before we go. I want to make
sure I gave you whatever you really wanted out of
this conversation.

Speaker 5 (56:47):
M what thin I want out of this? Let's see, No,
Because I think I have called into the show a
bunch of times, like looking at a sunset kind of
thinking about like or as sunrise, I mean, thinking about
like how beautiful things are, and like I've come to

(57:11):
the point where I've accepted but maybe nothing means nothing,
all of this not maybe all of this means nothing,
And like I've accepted that, and I've here, I've heard
a lot of people kind of like lament about like Okay.

Speaker 2 (57:28):
What does this mean?

Speaker 5 (57:29):
And where are we going? And like maybe what is this?
Like maybe like pot, maybe what I'm thinking is like
nihilism and that maybe all of this maybe it means
nothing but to enjoy like a sunset or the birds chirping,
or like watching your dog play around. So I guess

(57:53):
I wanted your take on that, but I think you've
he's kind of giving me that, So.

Speaker 3 (58:00):
Well, well, well, why do you want my take on that?
That's your own epiphany? That's a very pretty that what
you're talking you want you want you're asking my take
on your personal.

Speaker 5 (58:13):
Yeah, because yeah, because I've heard like a lot of
people's takes on this.

Speaker 3 (58:22):
My well, truthfully, just my take on what you just
said is that you uh arrived at your own personal
uh journey.

Speaker 1 (58:32):
You know.

Speaker 3 (58:33):
My take is is of nothing to you your Do
you think your your go ahead?

Speaker 1 (58:41):
Sorry?

Speaker 5 (58:42):
Do you think that everyone's this this feeling that like
you and many of these other colors? Do you think
where a lot of these people are at? Is it
all like a personal journey and everyone has to reach
their own epiphany?

Speaker 3 (59:03):
I don't know if everyone, Yeah, I think so, I think, yeah,
everyone kind of reaches their own epiphany and you know,
your God and your whatever, uh, the the champion of
your own universe. So yeah, I mean, who gives a
fuck what I think about you know, your personal ephany,
it's your personal epiphany, you know what I mean. Like,

(59:24):
if that's how you feel about the world and that
makes you feel good and that feels aligned with you,
then that's that's. Uh, that's that's that's that's you. And
I know you're about to say something nice to me,
but I I okay, sorry, okay, then please then please

(59:47):
please tell me, Please tell me the thing, like, wow.

Speaker 5 (59:52):
I've been on your journey of this existentialism and so
like I don't I don't know how much a funk
I give about anyone else, but I don't know. I
thought it'd be nice to hear your how you've reached
like the end, not end, but like kind of a
conclusion to this existentialism.

Speaker 3 (01:00:15):
I have I have I haven't. I haven't reached a
conclusion to this existentialism. I'll reach a conclusion when I die.
But I mean I'm like, I'm not, I'm not you know, yeah,
I mean, I'm not yeah, I'm not like, uh, I mean,
I'm in a little bit of dread. I I don't know,
and that's good.

Speaker 5 (01:00:35):
There's beauty in it. That means you're alive.

Speaker 3 (01:00:39):
I guess, man, I don't I don't know. I don't know, Jess,
I guess. I guess, I guess.

Speaker 5 (01:00:48):
But it fucking sucks, but you're in it, so like
there's something good. At least you get to be live
and doing it and then you find beauty and the
people you talk to, like out in the street or
whatever it is.

Speaker 3 (01:01:04):
Some Well when I said sometimes, I mean some when
I said sometimes, I mean sometimes sometimes I just pick
my nose and eat it and it's not beautiful and
it's just you know, it's no, it's not even a hell. Yeah,
it's just I just it's just what it what it was.
But you like it. I don't even know if I
like it. I attribute nothing to it. You know, it's

(01:01:27):
just the day and so like to you know, like, yeah,
today is just what like you know, that's what I
mean sometimes you know that's why.

Speaker 5 (01:01:37):
Why why isn't it always a hell?

Speaker 2 (01:01:39):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (01:01:40):
Because I mean I picked my nose and eat it too,
And then and.

Speaker 3 (01:01:44):
If it's and if it's a hell yeah for you,
then it's all hell yeah for you. Well listen, jet
go ahead, go.

Speaker 5 (01:01:53):
Ahead, No, no, I was just gonna say, hell, you
had a notice picking and eating it. I guess whatever
your fucking thing?

Speaker 4 (01:02:02):
Who cares?

Speaker 3 (01:02:04):
Well listen, Jess, Is there anything else you want to
say to the people of the computer before we go there?

Speaker 5 (01:02:12):
Sure is it? But thanks for talking.

Speaker 3 (01:02:14):
You have a going jest.

Speaker 5 (01:02:15):
Bye bye, you take care?

Speaker 1 (01:02:17):
Bye.

Speaker 4 (01:02:20):
Hello?

Speaker 3 (01:02:21):
Hello, what's that man?

Speaker 1 (01:02:23):
You doing?

Speaker 3 (01:02:24):
I'm doing good man? How are you doing?

Speaker 4 (01:02:27):
I'm all right?

Speaker 3 (01:02:28):
How's life?

Speaker 2 (01:02:30):
Uh, it's been tough the past couple of years.

Speaker 3 (01:02:35):
You said it's been good. No, it's been tough, tough
t u f F Yes, sir, Wait no, t t
no t u f F is the good, tough, the bad,
toughest o U g H Yes, sir, it's been tough.

(01:02:57):
Why has it been tough?

Speaker 1 (01:02:59):
Yes?

Speaker 2 (01:03:00):
Uh so A year and a half ago, I broke
my neck and uh I was quite aprillegiate now and
uh just the the recovery has been been a struggle.
And uh, ironically, much like your previous caller, I don't

(01:03:27):
know for some reason, all my friends left me. I
had I had one friend who would visit me in
the hospital out of all my friends. Uh, you know,
my parents passed away a few years ago, so I
don't have family or you know, immediate family. I do

(01:03:49):
have cousins, aunts and uncles, but none of them can
die to visit me in the hospital. So yeah, you know,
I've just been hearing and just over and all by myself. Uh, Lyle,
I do appreciate your streams. They do get me through
the day whenever you do streams, So thank you for

(01:04:12):
what you do.

Speaker 1 (01:04:13):
You.

Speaker 3 (01:04:14):
I appreciate that.

Speaker 4 (01:04:15):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:04:16):
So, but uh, yeah, just want want to let all
the other listeners know.

Speaker 4 (01:04:28):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:04:28):
I guess just try to plan as many good seeds
as you can. Try to have a lot of good friends,
you know. But I guess don't expect he just depend
on yourself. Yeah, hm hmm.

Speaker 3 (01:04:50):
Well kind of like I was saying to uh our
boy Beuford earlier. Uh, it's hard. This is a hard
like the stoicism and that you can only depend on
yourself thing is Uh, it's actually it's actually been a
core value of mine, I think for a while in
my life and recently as I've gotten older, I've I've
come to reevaluate it, because I don't. I don't know.

(01:05:17):
It's it's a it's a it's a belief that I
I poking prad at a little bit because it's somewhat
avoidant in a bad way, but it's also it's weird.
It's one of those things that you believe and you
hold close because you don't want to get hurt, and

(01:05:38):
it protects you from getting hurt, but it also uh
closes you off. I mean, that's what every song is about,
is it not? Every song is about like I won't
I won't let you in because you'll hurt me. What's song?
What's that's what That's what I got a feeling by
the Black Eyed Peas is about. I think that's deff.

(01:06:03):
That's what the Pledge of Allegiance is about. That's what
that's what the Simpsons theme is about. But anyway, it's
kind of again, it's one of those beliefs that I
kind of poking product and uh, I think it has
its time and place that's valuable, and then when it's not.

(01:06:26):
But hmm, what is your name? I'm sorry I forgot
your name.

Speaker 2 (01:06:32):
Stanley.

Speaker 3 (01:06:33):
Stanley, how long have you been in the hospital?

Speaker 2 (01:06:37):
For so, I was in the hospital for two months
and then I've been not been discharged for what would
discharge stance h mid to lie. I've been discharged since
last July. I've been able to walk walk pretty okay

(01:07:02):
now when you know, a little wobbly, but.

Speaker 4 (01:07:07):
You know, it's just.

Speaker 2 (01:07:09):
Yeah, I'm just pushing through, you know. Yeah, I'm just
so thankful that I'm able to recover from this as
much as possible. You know, I've met a wonderful bunch
of wonderful uh friends while I was at the hospital,

(01:07:32):
and so many of them have it so much worse
than I do. So whenever I'm having a bad day,
you know, I just I just remember my friends from
the hospital and just you know, just just try to
have a good day. But yeah, you know, every every
day has the challenges.

Speaker 3 (01:07:49):
Yeah, how we so, how is like physical therapy?

Speaker 1 (01:07:53):
Going?

Speaker 2 (01:07:55):
Physical physical therapy was great? You know, if any of
the listeners are peet or ots man, y'all are true
true angels. Because physical therapists and occupational therapists like, you know,
for them to have so much patience and also teach
just have such a great attitude, you know, that really

(01:08:15):
helps us to want to be there and you know,
give it our all and just you know, keep you know,
keep pushing through and keep going. Every day for a
lot of us, that hour of work two that we're
at PT, that's all the social interaction we get, you know.

(01:08:36):
So so that's that's another thing with therapists, you know, yeah,
I mean, yeah, they're doing the physical stuff, but honestly, yeah,
they're also like therapists truly. So again, if any of
the listeners are pets and ots, you know, thank you
so much for what you do.

Speaker 3 (01:08:59):
Are you able to, like do you have like a
recovery timeline of some sort. Do they give you a
timeline of you know, when they think you'll be able
to kind of be a little bit more mobile.

Speaker 2 (01:09:15):
So they say everybody is different, but I feel I
feel pretty al right being able to take care of
myself now. It's just you know, I'm still will be
weak in the hands and you know up her body.
Like I said, when I'm walking, my balance is an issue.

Speaker 4 (01:09:36):
Uh.

Speaker 2 (01:09:37):
But you know, I try to keep a good attitude
and just try to do things. You know, in mine,
I try to tell myself to just do things without
thinking that I'm you know, I'm injured, you know, just
try to move, Just try to move normally, you know,
or like you know, think like don't think that I'm injured.

(01:10:00):
Just just do the task. So that kind of helps,
you know.

Speaker 3 (01:10:06):
And that's that's interesting, Like uh like wait, that's so
interesting that almost that it's actually kind of funny to
hear you say that, because that almost like you know,
I was talking to Buford about about the whole like
uh self, like like the uh self image is a
reflection of how other people see you type ship. It's

(01:10:28):
kind of funny that. It's kind of funny that that
they that works on like a mental sense, but it
also works on like a physical sense, like the fact
that the they were telling you like just fucking believe
that you're not injured and you just aren't. It's kind
of crazy, right, Yeah, you had the minus.

Speaker 2 (01:10:47):
It's a powerful tool, as they say, so yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:10:54):
It's like, uh, I also have a.

Speaker 2 (01:10:55):
Little dog, you know. She helps keep my spirits up.

Speaker 3 (01:10:58):
Oh cute, what kind of what kind of dog?

Speaker 2 (01:11:02):
So she's a Wiener Jack Russell mixed. She'll be ten
this oh yeah, in a couple of weeks. She'll be
ten on October first, m M yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:11:15):
M hmm. What do you do day to day in
the hospital, do you or no, you've been discharged, so
are you are you working or are you going to school?

Speaker 2 (01:11:30):
So right now I'm just trying to heal as much
as I can. I'm looking to maybe start putting out
applications again beginning next year, you know, with my hands
still being kind of weeded, and also I can't move
them like how I would like to be able to

(01:11:52):
move them. My right hand's pretty okay, but my left ten.

Speaker 1 (01:11:59):
It's not.

Speaker 2 (01:12:00):
It's not so much a claw, but I can't I
can't lay my hands flat, so it would be really
it's really difficult for me to type. So you know,
that's you know, typing is one really important thing in
the job, uh for jobs. So yeah, but we'll see,

(01:12:23):
we'll see.

Speaker 3 (01:12:24):
M hm hmmm mm hmmmm. What else? Uh? What else
have you been doing to bide your time?

Speaker 2 (01:12:34):
I try to go hiking a little bit. But other
than that, you know, I just sleep. I try to
do you know, little tasks here and there around the house,
like doing the laundry, trying to fold the clothes, trying
to cook a little bit here and there, you know,

(01:12:55):
just clean up the house a little bit y. But
but yeah, it's a lot of sleeping, that's for sure.
And yeah, it's pretty much therapy.

Speaker 3 (01:13:11):
What do they what do they tell you in therapy?
Do they tell you anything helpful?

Speaker 2 (01:13:18):
I mean, you know, we just talk about lives. You know,
we'll talk about the game, We'll just Yeah, whenever I
have questions about my health and about my recovery, again,
their answer is always, you know, we don't know. You know,
everybody's different, so you know, I just I just go

(01:13:38):
along with it. Do the do the exercises?

Speaker 4 (01:13:43):
Uh?

Speaker 3 (01:13:44):
Did they give you any pain killers?

Speaker 2 (01:13:47):
You know, I'm so fortunate that I never had any pain. Yeah,
I got so lucky with that. But I think that's
because my nerves are so messed up now because below
my below my you know, my waist, I lost all sensation.
Uh so, so I can imagine that that really sucks,

(01:14:13):
especially before trying to pass the time by. But yeah,
so you know, there's no pain, but they do have
me on a whole bunch of muscle relaxers.

Speaker 4 (01:14:25):
Mm hmmm.

Speaker 3 (01:14:30):
What are your plans or hopes for the future and
in general.

Speaker 2 (01:14:38):
The great question kick, Well, I hope I'll able to
uh at the lower body strength to go hiking again.
Before my injury, I was out hiking every day. So
I hope I can be out there again, you know,

(01:15:01):
road tripping, uh, just traveling and yeah, being able to
find you know, just a decent job, you know, nothing crazy.

Speaker 3 (01:15:12):
Mm hmmm mm hmm.

Speaker 4 (01:15:15):
You know I felt so.

Speaker 2 (01:15:16):
I mean, it's a bull edged sword, I guess, But
in this sense, I was so happy that I wasn't
married and had kids because, you know, me getting sucked
up like this. I mean, could you imagine, you know,
I'm not able to support my wife and kids because
because of my accident, you know. Yeah, but at the
same time, but at the same time, not having a

(01:15:37):
wife and kids, you know, I'm so alone, you know,
and I don't have so much to help me with
this recovery. So again, it's a double edged sword.

Speaker 3 (01:15:44):
But is that something you you are hopeful for for
the future.

Speaker 2 (01:15:56):
You know, I'm I'm such a realist, you know, I understand.
I mean it's going to be hard for you. I mean,
like there's no there's no girl out there thinking, yeah,
let me let me go and find a quadriplegic right
to spend the rest of my life with right, So

(01:16:16):
I mean I totally get that.

Speaker 3 (01:16:19):
But you know, dude, I will hold on. By the way,
let me say that there are you know, I don't
know if you ever, I don't know if you ever
have been on the dating apps, but there are other
women in wheelchairs on the dating apps for sure.

Speaker 2 (01:16:35):
Yeah, you're not wrong.

Speaker 3 (01:16:37):
That could be kind of crazy.

Speaker 2 (01:16:39):
Yeah, they're not wrong. While but yeah, I mean, you know,
if it happens, it happens, you know, I would I
would love to be married someday. But I'm not uncomfortable
being single. Okay. Like I said, I do have my dog,

(01:17:05):
so I'm not completely alone.

Speaker 1 (01:17:09):
Yeah, mm hmm. How about you? Lot?

Speaker 2 (01:17:13):
Are you dating? What's up with you? Me?

Speaker 3 (01:17:16):
I'm crazy, man, I'm uh I go, I go to
the park and uh I'll see I'll see someone beautiful,
and I'll be like and I'll walk away, and then
I'll be like, I'm gonna I'm gonna go eat a sandwich.
That's what I'll do. Uh what about me? I don't know.

(01:17:40):
I have dreams and wants and desires and uh frustrations
about my dreams and wants and desires that coexist with
UH optimism. So my frustration and my optimism co exists
in a bit of a beautiful harmony with each other,

(01:18:01):
and they drive me forward to uh uh not die,
not want to die, and to you know, keep going.
It's a weird it's a it's a it's a like
a yin and yang. The optimism and frustration that I
feel is like a like a little ball that uh
drives the car of my existence forward. I don't know,

(01:18:26):
hope hopefully, you know, uh and they you know, some
I've I've had periods of my life with that were
about ninety five percent frustration slash apathy and five percent optimism,
and then times that have been ninety five percent optimism
and five percent frustration. And they're both there. Both of

(01:18:48):
those things are are as as you know, as a realist,
both of those things are dangerous. You don't want to
be you don't want to be too apathetic and frustrated,
but you don't want to be uh uh blindly optimistic
to the fact that you'll never experience anything bad ever again.

(01:19:08):
So right, yeah, I don't know, that's that's that's I
guess my answer of what's going on with me?

Speaker 1 (01:19:16):
All?

Speaker 3 (01:19:17):
Do you play video games?

Speaker 2 (01:19:20):
You know I used to be my accident, you know,
my hand. Yeah, yeah, but but uh yeah, yeah I do.
I've been watching a lot of Netflix and yeah yeah HBO,

(01:19:40):
Max Peacock. I just been running through a lot of
shows that I've also already watched.

Speaker 3 (01:19:47):
I know, you said, I mean, I know you're like
kind of dealing with like loneliness in general, Like, do
you you know I think that Yeah. Normally, I think
it's best to like go out in person to like
meet people hang out with people. But if you can't
do that, I mean, there is a lot of great
communities on discord and Reddit and Twitch that you can

(01:20:12):
you know, be a part of. I mean, look, there's
people hanging out of my Twitch chat right now. Do
you do you take advantage of any of that?

Speaker 2 (01:20:20):
I do not.

Speaker 3 (01:20:24):
Mm, yeah, you should consider it, you know. Yeah, if
if you don't have the means to, you know, leave
your house right now. I think it's a good thing
to look into. But it's also nice because, you know,
once you're feeling better and more mobile. I mean, I
know a lot of people I have friends who you know,
have met and you know, people who listen to this
podcast I'm sure who have met people in like Reddit

(01:20:45):
or discord or Twitch and uh, you know, or like
online means and have then actually, you know, through those
online means, gone on to create like genuine you know,
friendships that exist on the computer. So I think it's
I think I think if you're like, I guess all

(01:21:05):
this is to say, and I appreciate you sharing you know,
your your vulnerability and your story. And I'm also thinking
about your situation from like a logistical standpoint, and I
think that if you if you do feel frustrated and
you feel like you're spinning your fucking wheels, like being
at home and you know, not having anything, not not

(01:21:28):
having anyone at home and then not being able to
go out, it fucking sucks. And I think if you're
spinning your and I would just say, like, I think
if you're spinning your wheels over that, and you're like, okay,
I need like a just some sort of like outlet
to feel like I'm not spinning my fucking hamster wheels
and I'm like trying to do something because I think

(01:21:51):
that's that's kind of what settles the brain ultimately, is
when it feels like it's not spinning its wheels and
it's like we're actually fucking trying to do something about how,
you know, the bad shit we're feeling. I think it's
not a terrible idea to, you know, give a shot
to joining like you know, a Reddit or a Twitch

(01:22:13):
or a discord community. You know, even if there was
like a video game that you used to play, right, like, uh,
you know, like what's a video game you used to
be really into, like nbh ok NBA two K? I
mean great, you could you could go into you could
go into like a two K Discord and be like,

(01:22:34):
you know, hey, what's up. My name is uh, you know,
uh Jonathan for twenty. That's the username I came up
with for you and and I and I. You know
I I used to play a lot of two K,
but then I got into this accident blah blah blah.
But I'm just here because I love talking about the game.
Blah blah blah. Someone be like, oh, hey was that?

(01:22:56):
You know, It's it's worth giving a shot. I would say,
if you're if you're spinning your wheel and you want
to talk to someone, yeah, totally what is your not
Jonathan for twenty?

Speaker 2 (01:23:08):
Name again Stanley?

Speaker 3 (01:23:11):
Stanley. There used to be a What the fuck was
that show on the Disney Channel where there was a
guy named Stanley who like hung out with animals? Do
you know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 4 (01:23:20):
I do not.

Speaker 3 (01:23:21):
You don't know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 (01:23:23):
I don't. I really don't.

Speaker 3 (01:23:26):
Okay, I'm gonna look that up after this phone call.
But yeah, again, man, thanks thanks for sharing. I hope that.
I guess just before we go, like, is there anything
else that you wanted to talk about, or any other
like I don't know shit you wanted to talk through,
or any other way that like this this phone call
could be helpful to you.

Speaker 2 (01:23:44):
Yeah, I mean to anyone listening now or you know
Winness is up on YouTube or whatever, you know, anyone
going through anything similar or going through a dark spot,
just just know you come through it. Because when I
was discharged from the hospital just two months after my accident,
you know, I was back home and like I said,

(01:24:05):
I was alone, and man, I fell into a deep
depression and you know, you know, dealing with with suicide.
Can I say that?

Speaker 1 (01:24:17):
Okay?

Speaker 2 (01:24:17):
Yeah, you know I was. I was, I was battling
suicide there because you know, I mean, I was still
you know, learning to walk again. I mean, you know,
I just didn't know how much my body would heal back, right,
and again, you know, just battling the mental battle as well.
I you know, it would just be so easy to

(01:24:40):
just to just pull that trigger. But after about maybe
about a month, maybe two months, and I started to
feel better, you know, you know, I you know, I
started you know, outpatient therapy, and again, you know, the
therapists were wonderful, did a great job, you know, and

(01:25:00):
then you know, it just took it a day at
a time right now, and then, yeah, the past several
months have been have been great. And yeah, so to
everyone listening, just you know, just take a day ahead
of time, and you know it will get better. It
really will get better.

Speaker 3 (01:25:18):
I appreciate you sharing that sentiment, man, and I hope
things go better with you. I hope that you're able
to find some sense of community and some sense of
like a good path forward for yourself. And I appreciate
you sharing your your optimism with the class.

Speaker 2 (01:25:42):
Absolutely.

Speaker 4 (01:25:43):
Thank you, Gek, take.

Speaker 3 (01:25:44):
Care of Stanley. Good luck. Yes, sir, that was a
nice guy, Stanley.

Speaker 1 (01:25:52):
Ship.

Speaker 3 (01:25:53):
What the fuck was I going to say? Uh? Yeah,
that was that was nice? I mean, yeah, I've had.
I've had yes times where I felt uh, you know,
I think I think one of the nice things I
thought about recently is that I've had a lot of
also times where you know, I felt uh uh suicidal
or insane, and to then look back and be like, oh, wait,

(01:26:15):
life actually feels kind of normal and chill. Now. It's like, oh,
I didn't even know that would like when I was
feeling that way, I didn't even know it would be
possible to not feel that way in the future. So,
you know, something to that, something to stand optimistic. Wait, okay,
what's the name of this fucking cartoon Disney Channel? Stanley Stanley. Oh,

(01:26:41):
it's just called Stanley. Okay, all right, I'm not crazy.
It's called Stanley and it's about this guy Stanley who
he hangs out with animals. I thought it was like
riding a dinosaur or some shit, or he's like a
pet tiger. Okay, okay, I'm not crazy. This existed. Hello, folks,

(01:27:08):
it's Lyle here. That's the end of this episode. But
get this, I'm releasing a bonus episode this week. That's
right then, entire extra hour of the podcast that you
can listen to by becoming a Premium member of Therapy
Gecko over at therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Supercast

(01:27:30):
subscribers get access to bonus episodes. They get a completely
ad free podcast feed of the regular show, They get
recordings from my live shows, members only streams, and they
help support my ability to continue doing this podcast. So
here's a clip from this week's members only bonus episode.

Speaker 6 (01:27:49):
We started a delivering pizzas and a pretty shady part
of a nearby city. Didn't make it two months through
that until some guys actually tried to kill me.

Speaker 3 (01:28:00):
While you were delivering pizzas.

Speaker 4 (01:28:01):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (01:28:02):
I'd call my girlfriend back and I'm just like, yeah,
it's like, what happened?

Speaker 4 (01:28:07):
What happened?

Speaker 3 (01:28:08):
Are you okay? I was like, I just got stabbed.

Speaker 2 (01:28:10):
You don't.

Speaker 3 (01:28:11):
If you want to hear this full conversation, you can
sign up to become a premium member at therapy Gecko
dot supercast dot com or find the link in the
episode description that's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right,
I have nothing else to say. They goes on the
line taking your phone calls every night, Then goes, I

(01:28:35):
was teaching you aloud in the memory of life is
not an expert