“I’M RE-LEARNING HOW TO BREATHE”

A caller relearns how to breathe, we talk about the subtle things we take for granted, we share our experiences with journaling, we ponder existentialism, we play pickleball, and we generally have a good time on this episode.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, what's up therapy cable?

Speaker 2 (00:04):
Hi?

Speaker 3 (00:04):
What's your name? Good sir?

Speaker 1 (00:07):
Uh? My name is Willy.

Speaker 3 (00:09):
Willy.

Speaker 1 (00:10):
Yes, so w I Willy.

Speaker 3 (00:14):
What's up Willy?

Speaker 4 (00:15):
How you doing today today?

Speaker 1 (00:18):
I'm pretty doing pretty well today. We'll not too bad,
but they honestly, well, it's well gish, but you know, Saturday,
not too bad.

Speaker 3 (00:30):
How I feeling today? Am I cool? Am I blessed?

Speaker 5 (00:33):
You know?

Speaker 3 (00:34):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (00:34):
I mean I should be right, I should be I
think I should be blessed. I'm too I'm I think
I'm coming to the realization that I'm just I'm just
a neurotic guy. And I've wondered, I'm like, can I
change that about myself? Can I become a different thing

(00:58):
than who I am?

Speaker 5 (00:59):
Or am?

Speaker 3 (00:59):
I just kind of.

Speaker 4 (01:01):
Bound because I was looking through journals that I'd written
like seven years ago, and truthfully, the way that my
brain operates and the way that the things I've wanted
out of life and the way in which I've operated
in life have actually remained relatively consistent over the past,

(01:23):
like as long as I've you know, even been keeping
records of those things, and even you know, before the
records I think about, you know, when I was a
child and whatnot. And I've always been adventurous and entrepreneurial
and deeply neurotic and anxious.

Speaker 3 (01:41):
And part of me thinks if I've been that way my.

Speaker 4 (01:43):
Whole life, I think I think might be that way forever.

Speaker 3 (01:50):
But I don't. I don't know.

Speaker 4 (01:51):
It's been both a blessing and a curse to me.
And like you know, I mean I I've thought about
like my life before and after starting this podcast, and
you know, I'll read journals from twenty nineteen, and you know,
I'm anxious. And I think if you had told me

(02:14):
writing those journals in twenty nineteen that externally, a lot
of the things that you're anxious about won't be present, right,
they won't be present. You would think, Okay, that's where
the anxiety stops. But then I'll read a journal from
a week ago, and the anxiety is still there.

Speaker 3 (02:35):
It's so I think that.

Speaker 4 (02:39):
I might just have this kind of permanent neurotic personality
that I would like to learn how to mitigate.

Speaker 3 (02:53):
But I don't know. I don't know if it's possible.

Speaker 4 (02:55):
I don't know if people just kind of are the
way that they are, or if they can I think
a lot of things have evolved, but yeah, it's just
been a very consistent way. So that's that's my answer
to how I'm doing and what I'm thinking about. If
you wanted the honest answer from me.

Speaker 1 (03:14):
Hey I did honest, sweet, that was pretty I don't
very straightforward to the answer. I like that, you know,
and journal and doon like doing the journal thing. I
don't journal people that tell me to things like that,
but hire listening and I've been listening for you for
a while now, and like setting people journal as well,
and you like, I never got the like the concept

(03:35):
of actually like journaling your thoughts out people. People say
it helps things like that, which I see it does
for you as well. And I'm like like like like
what like like what type of things that actually want
to need?

Speaker 6 (03:50):
You?

Speaker 1 (03:51):
Like, it's like it's the journal. Is the journal there
for just for it, like for your help, that's it.
Write down your thoughts, you'll you'll your fears and ship
your fears and shit like that. You know, I never
get right by the grasp of the whole conflict is
writing it down? You know.

Speaker 4 (04:07):
Well, I'll well I'm sorry, no, no, well, I was gonna say,
I I mean I usually I use my notes app
and I just uh put the date and I just
let it rip. And a lot of the times I
use it for like kind of getting all my thoughts
out there, and I also use it for like recording events,
like you know, here's what happens to me, and here's

(04:30):
how I'm feeling about it, and here's I Also, I
slightly believe in manifestation in the sense of like what
you constantly think about it becomes how you act through
the world, and how you act through the world kind
of uh, you know, does inform your external reality. So
I think there's a little bit of manifestation in there

(04:52):
of like consistently kind of writing down the things that
you want in the directions that you want to go down.
I mean, have you ever have you ever tried sitting
down to journal?

Speaker 6 (05:00):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (05:00):
I did, Yeah, I tried it. I tried everyone. I
try like every once in a while, you know, when
when when things become like a little bit overwhelming in
my life and something like that, and like it it.

Speaker 5 (05:15):
It helps, But at the same time, I'm like, I'm
like i feel like I'm just right back where I
was at first when I get them, when I before
I jiggled and down stuff like that.

Speaker 1 (05:27):
Yes, but then again like on the backhand, it's works,
you know, It's just it helps a little bit, a
little bit, not too much, but a little bit.

Speaker 4 (05:35):
What what you're what you're describing is my general frustration
with both therapy and journaling, which is like, great, I
talked about all this, but you know, I'm still fucking here,
you know, right, Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 (05:54):
So I understand.

Speaker 4 (05:55):
I understand that frustration, but I think it's been better.
I'm glad I did it. I helps me, especially because
I've done it over like a long period of time,
I can kind of recognize patterns. And also, you, I
think you kind of tend to look at life through
rose colored glasses or you know, look at yeah, look
at like previous times in your life. When you journal,

(06:19):
you get to see every You get to see your
life for what it really is. Because I can go
I can think, oh, maybe a year ago I was
doing this, I was happier, I was feeling this way.
But then you go back and you read the journal
and you're like, well, actually, in that very moment I was.

Speaker 3 (06:34):
I was feeling.

Speaker 4 (06:37):
Not as good as I look back upon the memory,
and it also works differently.

Speaker 5 (06:42):
You know.

Speaker 4 (06:43):
You can you can look back at like times when
you're like, oh, that fucking sucked, but then be like, oh,
maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was
because I have the actual recording of my emotions in
that period of time.

Speaker 1 (06:55):
See not so no so now so now now you know,
like I'm going to go back on my concruiter. I
see what's like, I had a couple I say, a
year are you I'm sorry? A year or two ago?
You know, got me thinking about that I might do that.
I don't know, but like cause two years ago or

(07:16):
a year ago I was a high probably you know,
but yeah, got me thinking about that.

Speaker 4 (07:20):
Man, I I like, will Willie let me ask you something? Yeah,
I know, I've been kind of rambling and using this
podcast for therapy, which is a funny thing to do.
But is there anything in particular that you called in
to want to talk about today? If not, it's cool,
we can just shoot the ship.

Speaker 1 (07:43):
I see, Because Okay, when I first tried to call
you the first time, like everyone else on this bonus
platform for you know, I was what I was going
through a rough patch in my life at that moment,
which is which I'm still is. But well I'm not well,
not really but kind of you know, And I was
trying to call it in, you know, just get some

(08:04):
not feedback or well feedback or just like some clarification
shing like that, or just let that shout out, you know.
But now I'm doing pretty okay. And when I say
pretty okay, I mean like health wives, you know, no,
you know, yeah, just health wives and say that just
health stuff like that. Because two years ago, I was

(08:29):
two years ago, I got diagnosed with i l D.
And il D is a instant I can into the
work correctly, ancesticial lung disease, which I believe it would.
I believe it. I believe it would runs it. I
believe it would run in my family because my sister
had it and she had got a transplant and now

(08:52):
she's doing okay with it without option. But now I
have it, and I'm an option at this moment. Twenty
four seven, and that was and I got diagnosed with
that two years ago. But h h, I say a
year ago, Well, yeah, a year ago. Now I'm still

(09:13):
doing it, which is kind of fucking wild to me,
because they had progress to where it's like and like
like like like like fucking uh and reversible, and I'm like,
what the fuck? I thought I was doing everything I was.
I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to
be doing, you know, but looked like I wasn't. So

(09:34):
now I'm so now I'm here, uh a lung disease
h off writers blood clock and blood blood cloud and
the lungs, Like the fuck is going on here?

Speaker 6 (09:47):
Then?

Speaker 1 (09:48):
Then diabetes on top of that I ain't having at first,
but when I left the hospital, I'm that shit craziest
for then. Now I'm just sitting here for you know,
you know, just chilling, trying to see what was going on.
I'm doing a little bit exercises every once in a
while with tu longs to going to physical therapy, not

(10:08):
going to therapy theory, but like you know, primonary therapy
type ship do you feel me? And but but at
this moment, I'm doing pretty okay and like, but like
it can be draining. It can be draining, like just mentally,
like emotionally like that because you will see all these
stories about people you know, recovering being don't recovering and

(10:31):
stuff like that, and like they'd be like, ah, these
five years to live. I'm like, how the fuck is
five years to live? And I was like, had got
ten years and they dealt with this whole thing. I'm
just chilling. I'm like, oh, okay, cool, cool, whatever. Now
I just found this woman on Instagram where you know
she's doing She's doing pretty well, but she's an option.

(10:55):
She had the same she has the same thing I have,
but like a little bit probably a little bit more probably,
but she's off her pills and stuff like that. I'm like,
oh okay, but she's still a oxygen and she's on
a list for a launch transplay, which they have suggested
that to me, and I'm like, yeah, i don't want

(11:15):
to do that, even though I've seen the effects, which
is the effects is okay, you know, the whole thing
with it, it's okay. It's just the fact that I
have to like go through a certain period of where
someone has to cut me open trip put a whole
new set of loans in me, and you for me,
I have to rebreathe again, which I'm trying to rebreathe now,

(11:38):
which is crazy to me.

Speaker 4 (11:40):
You're learning, you're learning how to rebreathe.

Speaker 1 (11:44):
Basically. Yeah, So it's like, okay, so you know how
you like, you don't even know it, but you do it,
like you walk in and talk here. Yeah yeah, you're
like you walking and talking and it don't pay no
mass to it, right right, you know when when you
walk in and it's like it ain't nothing. But with

(12:05):
like with me, I have to I have to constantly
focus on breathing basically, not the constantly, but like I
have to like basically take take take steps a little
bit slower than usual people take it, you know, because
at one point you will be at one point you
will be just chill. You be at one point you

(12:27):
will be just chilling, walk at your stroller the lord. Nextly,
you know, your option dropped to like eighty damn are
seventy five? I don't I don't even want to go
that five. I'm gonna say eighty five, you know, spouts
and drop to eight eighty five You don't even know it,
but you could feel your heart rate and you have.
Then then you can hear like your brother breathing mad
heavy and stuff like that. Then you'll start to feel

(12:51):
light here and I'm like, what is going on? So
so that's like that you know, some like people with
you know lungs that have like full capacity of five.
You know, it's okay, even even when they're talking, they
had a ninety five. So I'm like, all right, cool,
I understand that part. Then like then they then they
put you in well the partonary theory where you could

(13:14):
build your lungs back up. They vide your lungs back up,
you know, which they consist of a premire walking viking. Uh,
let's see breathing in and out, you know, doing exercises,
like doing breathing exercises one. Uh, just on you're like
just like sitting up straight, work and leaving inside to side,

(13:38):
breathing like over your over the orange type ship, you know,
breathing like like like they try to open and like
your lungs up a little bit more like stretch it,
like to stretch your chests basically. So like that's what like,
you know, trying to breathe again. That's that's that's what
I mean basically, And now I'm doing pretty good. You know.
It's a cruise struggles.

Speaker 4 (13:59):
Yeah, that's how crazy learning how to breathe. You know,
it's crazy how many things we just do that we
don't even like think about, you.

Speaker 1 (14:06):
Know, right, you know, and it's kind of wild to
me because at first, you know, I was like partying,
you know, smoking, drinking all this stuff. I drink every
once in a while, but not like you know, heavy
like I was before. You know, when I said I
was drinking, I was drinking healthy. God damnum, what were

(14:28):
you brought an alcoholics?

Speaker 3 (14:29):
What were you doing when you were partying?

Speaker 1 (14:32):
Like like not okay, okay, not not too crazy for me,
just like we a little bit posh every once in
a while. Like uh, when I say posh, I mean
like the eat cigarettes and ship like that. You know,
the key with all that shit I want like I
want doing crack cocaine, no hearing, no fucking fucking psychedelics,

(14:55):
which I want what I did once before. I did
a psychedelics once before. But I so not that I was
so cool.

Speaker 4 (15:03):
So Willy, let me ask well, let me ask you
a few things.

Speaker 3 (15:07):
Are you Are you still partying at all?

Speaker 2 (15:09):
Like?

Speaker 4 (15:09):
What's your I actually, here's what I wanted to ask you.
It is like who are you, Willy? What's your what's
your what's your life?

Speaker 7 (15:15):
Like?

Speaker 3 (15:15):
Where do you? What do you do?

Speaker 1 (15:18):
Well?

Speaker 4 (15:18):
What part of what part of town do you live in?
You know, what's what's the day in Willy's life?

Speaker 2 (15:25):
Oh?

Speaker 1 (15:26):
Okay, okay, they will life. Okay, what I do right
now currently unemployed? You know, fucking the government. If you
ask me, I am h and I'm trying to well,
I'm trying to edit videos ship for YouTube, which I'll
go off and on with that on a daily basis,

(15:47):
on a daily day basis, try to scream, try to
stream on Twitch and stuff like that. And I'm like,
I'm trying to get back into it, but I'll go
away for a couple of days, for a couple of months.

Speaker 3 (15:57):
What do you what do you make? What do you
make videos about?

Speaker 1 (16:01):
Basically like just you know gaming gaming videos like uh, Overwatch,
you know, uh, Call of Duty, Valeriant, you know, all
like type like type shooting games.

Speaker 6 (16:12):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (16:13):
New games. I just uh just just played. It's called
the Shadow of War. It's like, what's the name game?
It's like a.

Speaker 5 (16:24):
Board.

Speaker 1 (16:24):
Oh, it's like the Lord of the Rings game. It's
like that, but it's not that, but I still had
the same concept of that. You know, it's called Shadows
of War. Pretty good. It came out on the PS
four by have it on the PS five and I'm
kind of loving it right now. So it's like it's
like a one player game, you know, single player game.
Pretty fucking nice, loving it. I'm playing that ship not

(16:46):
daily no more, because I kind of reached I kind
of reached a level where I want to be up
to fucking control oak orcs and shit like that. So
I'm loving it.

Speaker 3 (16:55):
Ah, yeah, okay, go ahead, Yeah yeah.

Speaker 1 (17:01):
So if I ain't doing that, I'm basically taking walks,
taking walks every once in a while, going through going
to like tell a doctor's appointments and ship like that,
right for fucking like yeah, for my lungs, yeah for yeah,
for for auto the moon auto mune disease. I probably

(17:24):
have that too, But they ain't. They ain't coming around
to that. They still trying to figure out what the
fuck this will shit is. So, you know, boom, uh.
If I ain't doing that going to doctor's appointments and
stuff like that, h you know, chilling partying, I ain't
doing too much of that. I'm just chilling at home
and uh yeah, chilling out home in Chicago, you know,

(17:49):
trying to see what the next step is for me.
What's the best bet? Yeah, what's the best that I
could do for myself my lungs.

Speaker 3 (17:57):
So what is what is that? What is that pondering?

Speaker 6 (18:00):
M hm?

Speaker 3 (18:01):
Where has it led to you? What is the best
bet for you?

Speaker 1 (18:05):
The best bet right now? I feel that.

Speaker 5 (18:11):
Just like.

Speaker 1 (18:16):
I'm gonna say, let it be like, the best bet
right now for me is to go with the float
like sit still, don't do like, don't don't do too much,
but do enough where you're not fucking miserable. You know,
you're not depressed, you're not sad type ship. You know,
don't yeah, don't wait from yeah, Yeah, that's for me.

(18:37):
You know I can't. I can I'm sorry. I can't
just sit now and just not do nothing anymore. At
first I did. At first, I did that. Don't get
me wrong.

Speaker 6 (18:48):
I was.

Speaker 1 (18:49):
I was hell of the press. I'm talking. When I
say hell with the person, I mean hell of the press. Ye,
like I ain't like I want to say, not shower
probably like I'll take a shower every once once once
a week type ship. You know, Uh, don't sit in
my room. I don't sit down my room no more.
I'm like, I'm out. I'm trying to get out, trying
to get out about even when I have a seat

(19:10):
ass option taint. I'm trying to get out and about.
You know, I'm trying to keep it moving, you know,
hcause right now, like at first, it was it was
like it was it was when I found out that news.
I was, I was, I was tellous that, you know,
I couldn't do nothing no more. I couldn't eat the
food that I won't eat no more. Well I could,
but it gonna it gonna trying to lead down to

(19:31):
the fuck up problems. But yeah, I can't do that
no more. Which I still do a little bit, but
not too much. I have a I have a buzz
ball every once in a while, not too much, but you.

Speaker 6 (19:42):
Know, a little bit.

Speaker 1 (19:44):
But you know, I'm just like like going, going, going
with the flow. Was talking about you know in dalven Lin.
I an't gonna need a fucking h They said, I'm
gonna need a lung transport.

Speaker 4 (19:57):
Yeah mm hm.

Speaker 1 (20:00):
So I'm like, I don't want it, but if it
has to, I'll come down to it. And I'm like
only twenty seven, right, yeah, and I sell. And I
see a lot of people come in and out of
like uh of the of the rehab center, you know,
or prim and every center. I guess for your lung
story that I see a lot of people come out
of there. You know, they don't get me wrong. They

(20:23):
look they look pretty cool, they look okay, they look happy,
they up and they moving. I see something. I see
people in wheelchairs that's not moving at all. Yeah, And
I'm like, I'm like, they still like the smell. They
still too. I'm like, what not the fuck I gotta
be said for right now? Why the fuck? Like I
can't I can't do it.

Speaker 6 (20:42):
I can't do nothing else.

Speaker 1 (20:43):
So wait, you know, if ship, if shit get worse
than what I'm doing, ship, God, damn, I can't do
nothing but take my medicine, keep it moving. And that's
all you know I have because I have to figure
that out for a while. And like people was asking me,
oh you at well, I've seen you wild. You don't
come around no more? Or like, uh, will you don't

(21:06):
to me? You don't come, you don't come and hang
out with us no more. You don't drink with us
no more? Why is that?

Speaker 2 (21:10):
Man?

Speaker 1 (21:11):
Oh ship, Willie, I ain't see you in a game
no more? Like because man, I'm trying to like, I'll
be gone for like I say, tax months tops and
trying to get my I'm trying to I'm trying to
wrap my head a lot of like like just trying
to wrap my head a lot around like a lot
of ship, you know, and like some people understand it.
Some people don't, don't, get me wrong. But at the

(21:33):
same time, like when I feel like when life is
you like that, I just you have I feel like
people you have to step away and re evaluate yourself
for a bit, because that's that's and that's what I did.
You know. I still I steel step away too. I
still step away from time to time, but because at times,
you know, it do get hard, they do. But at

(21:56):
the same time, mm.

Speaker 4 (21:57):
Hmm, yo, really no, it's I was I listened, Will,
I was gonna say, I appreciate you sharing all this
with us.

Speaker 6 (22:04):
Uh.

Speaker 4 (22:04):
You know it's definitely, uh, you know, an inspiring thing
to fucking keep going after all, uh, you know, after
having to learn how to rebreathe I will, I'll say
this man before we go. Uh. Do you want to
give a plug out to your to your YouTube or
to your twitch?

Speaker 6 (22:25):
Sure?

Speaker 1 (22:26):
Yes, my twitch is Wilster tv w I L L
L S t E R W I L l S
t E R Capital TV on the score on Twitch.

Speaker 3 (22:43):
Wilster underscore.

Speaker 4 (22:45):
Yeah, here we go. I got you your Wilster t V. Oh,
this is your Twitter. Let's see what's going on on
your Twitter. I don't know why I'm just sub scrolling
to your Twitter now that you got some wild things
on Twitter, it's not that well all right here, I'm
on your Yeah. Look, I'm on your I'm on your

(23:06):
YouTube right now while you're playing Overwatch. I've never played Overwatch,
never played it. I'm not a big I'm not a
big like I don't. I don't play like online multiplayer
games except like I play Melee on slippy but that's it.
I don't really play like a Fortnite or Overach or anything.

Speaker 3 (23:29):
But okay, I'll give you a follow.

Speaker 4 (23:31):
I'll give you a follow on the twitch in case
if you're ever live when I'm live, we'll give you
a raid.

Speaker 3 (23:36):
Let's see.

Speaker 1 (23:38):
Oh man, that's all pretty cool, man.

Speaker 6 (23:40):
Very cool.

Speaker 4 (23:41):
Well ship will uh will stir TV underscore. Man, I
appreciate you sharing your story with us. Is there is
there anything else you want to say to the people
before we get out of here?

Speaker 2 (23:51):
Oh?

Speaker 1 (23:52):
Yes, my slogan has always stayless. State of pat girl Friends.

Speaker 4 (23:58):
I hope y'all go to rest, beautiful, take care, Willie,
thanks for calling.

Speaker 1 (24:04):
Oh yes, thank you.

Speaker 3 (24:06):
That was Willy.

Speaker 4 (24:07):
He's a nice guy, plays call of duty. I'm inspired
by that story. Seems like he tries to keep it
a buck. You know, it's hard, Life's hard. Ah, fuck man,
everything every time?

Speaker 3 (24:19):
You know what? Man, you know what?

Speaker 4 (24:20):
I honestly, the more I do this show, or like
interview people, or like go out and do things, I'm like,
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (24:34):
The more I think I think it's I think it's
good to know. Is that is that bad?

Speaker 4 (24:43):
If my conclusion from this show is that it's actually
good to know less things, I think it might be
good to know less stuff.

Speaker 3 (24:52):
It's an option.

Speaker 4 (24:53):
I think the more stuff you know, you you get
expanded to the world, and that's maybe healthy. I think
if you only I think you know what, I take
it back, if you only get to live once, which
I think you do, I would rather get to know
more about the world around me and the people in it,
even if it's on, even if the process of doing

(25:15):
that and the truths revealed and doing that are uncomfortable,
I think I'd rather do that than live ignorant to
those things. And I'll hold true to that if I,
you know, if I'm eighty years old, if I'm lucky enough,
who knows, Goddamn, I'll look back and I'll be like,
I'm glad I sought rather than you know, stayed put

(25:40):
and didn't seek anything. I don't know's I that's tangentially
related to the conversation that we just had, at least
in my own brain.

Speaker 3 (25:49):
But that's how I feel.

Speaker 4 (25:52):
Call from uh Hello, Hello.

Speaker 2 (25:58):
Hey, can you hear me?

Speaker 3 (26:01):
Yes?

Speaker 2 (26:01):
Hi?

Speaker 3 (26:01):
What's your name?

Speaker 2 (26:02):
Great?

Speaker 1 (26:03):
Hi?

Speaker 2 (26:05):
I don't want to use my real name, so let's
make up one.

Speaker 7 (26:09):
Let's say I'm I don't know, bread or something cool?

Speaker 3 (26:16):
Bread? What's up? How's life?

Speaker 2 (26:19):
You know? Not great?

Speaker 7 (26:20):
If I If I'm being honest, I've been wanting to
talk to you forever, sus kind of crazy.

Speaker 2 (26:25):
So let me like, I don't know, relax for a bit.

Speaker 4 (26:31):
Well, listen, let's talk about it. If you want to.
I guess why not, Let's do it.

Speaker 2 (26:38):
Okay. The thing is, it's like, my life isn't hard.

Speaker 7 (26:42):
I think I'm going through a similar thing as you
with the existentialism, and so sure, sure, yeah, I mean,
you've been alive longer than I have, and it's like
just through listening to you, it just seems like you're
still I don't know when this started for you, but.

Speaker 2 (27:02):
I don't know.

Speaker 7 (27:02):
I don't know how long it's going to go on
for or like how what you're doing to manage it.
Like I've just been like searching stuff on the internet
and that's all I'm doing, but I don't feel like it's.

Speaker 3 (27:14):
Helping, right, Well, what I mean, what is it?

Speaker 7 (27:20):
I this existentialism? I don't know, like just not feeling
like there's any direction or meaning if that makes sense
to like yeah, and that you're going to die and
it's gonna matter. It's like, yeah, you've heard all about
the absurdism or whatever where it's like you make up
your own meaning live de fite.

Speaker 4 (27:44):
But I don't know.

Speaker 7 (27:45):
A part of me it just doesn't want to take that,
I guess, and that's my problem.

Speaker 4 (27:51):
Well, I well I'll tell you a few things. So, yeah,
you know, I went through a really, really really tough
period of time with existent for about I would say
February March April May, so it's about four months where

(28:11):
it's really bad. It was really really bad for four
months and then now, you know, I mean, I I
I existential questions pop up in my head.

Speaker 3 (28:21):
But like, I mean, there's four months.

Speaker 4 (28:22):
Where it's really like incapacitating my ability to fucking do anything,
and it was bad. But after those four months, I mean,
now I still have existential thoughts and feelings that you know,
I think about all the time, you know, but I
have found ways to mitigate it, and I can I
can tell you ways I've found to mitigate it. I

(28:45):
intentionally figured out different ways to put myself around other
people and have a place to go every day. I
gave myself a mission or an objective of a thing
I want to pursue. I've been accepting that the certain

(29:09):
existential questions are beyond me, and occupying my brain with
them is not I mean, it feels like something out
of your control, uh when you're in the thick of it,
but uh, you know, they're beyond they're beyond you. You're
never going to figure them out, and it's just it's
not fun too just stay in them, and so you know,

(29:33):
you leave them be. But I mean, for everyone's brain
is kind of different. I mean, you know, I I've
been taken vibeance that helps, but just I think continuing
to pursue some kind of meaning or purpose, and that's
that's that's I think.

Speaker 3 (29:53):
At least what's helped me. I mean, do you have.

Speaker 4 (29:58):
Do you have any any you kind of purpose or
meaning or direction or anything at all that you vaguely
want to do.

Speaker 7 (30:06):
M I mean finding meaning to cure existentialism, Like they're
kind of interlocked, right, Like if you're going to try
to define what meaning is to you and like what
you want to do with your one life, then it's
kind of like it kind of brings you back, if
that makes sense. Like if I had to sit down

(30:27):
and be like, Okay, what am I going to do
with my life, and it's like I need meaning to
distract me from this, from all this thinking about life,
you know.

Speaker 2 (30:37):
Uh, But then.

Speaker 7 (30:39):
It's you can't help but think like once you define it,
is this meaningful? Is this worth my time? And it
should be unquestionably worth your time whenever, but like, uh, sorry,
my thoughts aren't.

Speaker 4 (30:58):
Really it should be unco sesstionably worth your time because
the time is so valuable.

Speaker 2 (31:04):
Yeah, yeah, if you value life.

Speaker 4 (31:07):
Sure, but but also but also that that what you
just said, saying it must unquestionably be worth your time is.

Speaker 3 (31:18):
An important thing to scrutinize. It's really important.

Speaker 4 (31:21):
It's really what's your name, bread, It's really really important
to scrutinize what you just said, because unquestionably, uh so,
I'm faced with the fact that I only have one life,
and my time is extremely valuable, and it's a precious, precious,

(31:42):
precious thing, this one life. And thus, because it's such
a precious thing, I must do something that is unquestionably
the correct thing to do with my life.

Speaker 3 (31:55):
That's what you're saying. Yeah, and and yes, and and
and X.

Speaker 4 (32:00):
Existentialism gives you that, But there's a lot, there's a
lot of things wrong. And by the way I live that,
I live that all the time, and I think about
that all the time, and it's one of the things
that I think leaves me in a lot of paralysis
and is a negative thing because that doesn't exist, and

(32:23):
it doesn't exist. It won't exist for you, it won't
exist for anyone because nobody will do it perfectly. Life
is error correction, and so you're just inevitably gonna make
errors and you will never ever ever live the perfect life.

(32:47):
Maybe you know what, fucking maybe somebody out there, maybe
a large amount of people out there, look back at
their life and they just did it perfectly, you know,
And good for them if that happened to them and
everything was perfect. But the vast majority of people, ninety
nine point nine nine percent of people, I mean, nobody,
nobody does it perfectly. To say that you're gonna do

(33:10):
the unquestionably correct thing is insane, And so just do things,
you know, So like the paralyzing yourself with trying to
find the most perfect, amazing thing to do with your
with your life, it's paralyzing, it's ridiculous. So to just

(33:31):
instead go, well, what would be some worthwhile things to
do with my life? And That's how I've approached a
lot of my life.

Speaker 3 (33:41):
And so look I'm talking. I'm spending.

Speaker 4 (33:46):
A part of my finite life talking to you right
now about this subject. And is this the is this
am i am? I? Is this without question the perfect
thing to be doing with my time right now? Of
course not, nothing's without question. But can I look at
this conversation, and can I look at making this podcast,

(34:07):
and can I look at talking to you even if
just even if having this conversation is a remote help
to you, or to me, or to anyone listening. Can
I look back at it and go, you know what,
whether or not that was the perfect thing to do
with my life it was worthwhile to do?

Speaker 3 (34:22):
The answer is yes.

Speaker 4 (34:24):
You know, if I call my mom on the phone
this morning, was that was that the optimal thing to
be doing with my life? I don't, I don't know,
But was it worthwhile to talk to my fucking mom? Yeah,
of course it was. You know, if I go on
a walk for four hours and I look at trees
and I and I eat a fucking sandwich and I
drink water, was it unquestionably the most optimized thing to

(34:48):
do with my life? I don't, I don't know, But
was it a worthwhile thing to do?

Speaker 3 (34:53):
Of course it was.

Speaker 4 (34:53):
It's just walking around, you know, so like just the
think about the things that would just simply be worthwhile.

Speaker 3 (35:03):
And then that way you can at least look.

Speaker 4 (35:04):
Back at your life and look back at how you've
spent your time and go, I did things that were
worthwhile and they kept me in the moment, and I'm
proud of how I spent my time. And by the way,
even if you get trapped in crazy dopamine loops, which
everyone does I'm living proof of. Like, I mean, you

(35:25):
have no idea how much time I've spent, you know,
on checking emails for no reason, no just searching for dopamine,
a porn or Instagram reels or eating.

Speaker 3 (35:36):
Food or what.

Speaker 4 (35:37):
I have so so so much time of my life
that I've dedicated to that.

Speaker 3 (35:45):
But I still am able to look back.

Speaker 4 (35:47):
At my life proud because you know, I had enough
time to do that. But I also made friends, and
I also went on a lot of good walks, and
I got to travel, and I got to have worthwhile conversations,
and I got to do things that were full of meaning.
And it was And of course it wasn't perfect because
I spent I mean fucking today before I started streaming

(36:09):
making this podcast, I probably you know, spent four hours
just like dicking around, just dicking around. But at least
to these, look, these ten minutes that we're talking right now,
I'll remember it. So if I if I, at least
within my own ability and within my own energy, do

(36:30):
things that are kind of worthwhile, I'll be able to
look at my life and be proud of it. But
this thing you're talking about this unquestionable. It makes perfect sense.
The conclusion that you're coming to the way you got
here makes perfect sense.

Speaker 3 (36:45):
Again.

Speaker 4 (36:46):
I know that because I've got caught into that logical
conclusion myself that because life is so finite and precious, everything,
every part of it has to be optimized. But that's
not realistic, and if you try to live that way,
you'll just spiral infinitely. So just do things that are

(37:08):
worthwhile and lower your bar for what's worthwhile, you know,
I mean, do the big things if you want, go
travel and make the art you want to make, or
have the connections you want to make, but also the
small like what I watched this morning. I watched the
YouTube video about the old Hannah barbera ride at Universal Studios.

Speaker 3 (37:36):
Whatever.

Speaker 4 (37:37):
That's what I did with that finite amount of time
in my life. I don't, I don't. I don't regret it.
I bought the the Switch, I played the new Donkey
Kong game.

Speaker 3 (37:50):
I don't regret it. You know what, fuck it?

Speaker 4 (37:52):
I don't regret the seven times I checked my fucking
email this morning.

Speaker 3 (37:56):
Why would I regret it? Who cares?

Speaker 6 (37:58):
You know?

Speaker 3 (37:59):
Just don't.

Speaker 4 (38:00):
It's too much pressure it's too much pressure to have
those regrets and to so just just do do worthwhile things,
try not to beat yourself up too much, and you know,
lower your bar for what's worthwhile. It's not what it's

(38:20):
it's It's funny because when you start thinking about it
a lot, it becomes a lot of pressure.

Speaker 3 (38:25):
And then you.

Speaker 4 (38:26):
Start thinking about it even more and you start thinking
about it in a different direction, and it actually becomes a.

Speaker 3 (38:33):
Lot less pressure. So that's what I got. That's my
long rants.

Speaker 2 (38:40):
No, yeah, thank you for that.

Speaker 7 (38:42):
I think definitely, the perfectionist paralysis whatever is definitely just
a pattern within a lot of people. It seems like
people it's like there's a certain type of person who
just doesn't care and does things and they end up
getting a lot more accomplished and totally. Yeah, it's something
I should reference though, what you say about doing worthwhile things.

(39:05):
It's the fact that there could be something good you
could be doing or not. There's like it's all like
a spectrum or a scale or whatever. It doesn't matter
if you do like the lowest of the low, but
the fact that there's some kind of value there, there's
some value of good or bad even though you can
repeat to yourself, doesn't matter. It's that itself can also

(39:26):
be paralyzing. It's a another secondary layer of perfectionism. I
feel it's like, Okay, yeah, I can't be perfect perfect,
but here's this thing closest to perfection possible. Even if
it's by objective standards, not perfect or even good to you,
it's the best you could do, which is perfect.

Speaker 2 (39:44):
I don't know if that makes sense.

Speaker 3 (39:45):
It does make it does make sense.

Speaker 2 (39:47):
But the.

Speaker 4 (39:50):
You're taking a thing that's in some ways subjective and
and I guess making it kind of objective. I mean like, well,
so for let me so for example, right, I mean
like in your life, how is the paralysis playing out?

Speaker 6 (40:08):
Like?

Speaker 4 (40:08):
What what are the what are the opt what are
the things? I know, I understand the general paralysis of
trying to optimize your life, right, But if we got
a little bit more into the weeds than we were
and we come back that when we come back down
to earth, where how does that paralysis play out?

Speaker 3 (40:25):
Like you know, in your day to day life.

Speaker 7 (40:30):
I guess constant procrastination. So I'm gonna be graduating from
college soon and I'm not planning out anything at all.
I don't know anything about anything. I tell myself I
should be studying. I could always be doing something to
improve my situation. There's whatever, Like it's just up to me.

(40:51):
I just do it and I'll feel better too, And
I know that. But for some reason, it's just such
a daunting thing. And it's honestly what you talked about,
like the dopamine leaves. It's probably just that it's probably
just a biological thing and not like maybe this existential,
big question thing.

Speaker 2 (41:12):
It is kind of stuck.

Speaker 3 (41:13):
Yeah, I understand why.

Speaker 4 (41:16):
I know, I understand why that sucks.

Speaker 3 (41:19):
Yeah it is.

Speaker 4 (41:20):
It is a biological thing. I don't know anything about biology,
but I the more I don't know anything about psychology.
But the more I learned about it, the more I
realize that a lot of things I think are existential
are just like my human brain behaving the way that
human brains behave.

Speaker 3 (41:36):
But there's also still there's still a lot.

Speaker 4 (41:37):
Of questions I have about human brains, Like personality is
a weird thing to me, like why do why are
certain people so good at not procrastinating and others are
I don't know, but uh, I mean, what are you
procrastinating on? Like when you say when you when you say, oh,
I should be studying like studying what.

Speaker 7 (42:00):
Uh, funnily enough, like psychology, So I have to apply
to my psychology degree. It's actually like like to declare
my major. I mean, and it's coming up pretty soon
the deadline. And I'm perfectly qualified, I know, exactly, like
like I just need to type weber out and then

(42:21):
they'll probably accept me more than likely. And despite that,
it's just like I, I don't know, it's just like
I could just put it off. Why sit here and
do it when I don't have to? I guess it's
because I have to write like a personal statement. It's
like two hundred fifty words. It's pretty simple. They'll take

(42:43):
weber chat GPT, you know, like paragraph. But it's I
don't want to do that. I actually want to put
work into it, even if they don't care. Also, yeah,
I don't want to put in the work because it's
not going to be quote quote perfect.

Speaker 2 (43:04):
I think it's my mindset.

Speaker 3 (43:08):
What do you what do you like care about?

Speaker 2 (43:11):
I don't know, man, I guess having a I don't know.
I don't know, like feeling fulfilled?

Speaker 4 (43:27):
Do you honestly feel like you don't know or do
you can you find something within yourself that you actually
do care about.

Speaker 7 (43:41):
I think I could, but I think I don't trust
my brain enough because it's I mean, done this to
me first of all, and I like, we're all I've
gotten this completely off of TikTok and whatever, but it's
just like we're very influenced, and I'm not sure if
my desires are really my desires and you know the whole.

Speaker 3 (44:02):
Uh clear with what h So go ahead.

Speaker 7 (44:08):
Oh, once you achieve your dream, it's actually not as
great as you thought it would be, and like like
you become a doctor or whatever, you'll actually kind of suffer.

Speaker 2 (44:16):
It's just like I don't know what to pick. Then.

Speaker 4 (44:18):
Yeah, I'm also be very I'm dude, be very very
very careful with TikTok, because I'm sure that your TikTok
is feeding you like Alan Watt's shit and like people
being like when I was you know things things I
wish I knew at twenty when I was thirty, and
like is that your algorithm?

Speaker 3 (44:38):
Is that your feed?

Speaker 4 (44:40):
Kind of yeah, yeah, my feed does that ship to
me too, and like, do be careful with that ship.
I've deleted TikTok because like you now, because because you're
already going through all this existential shit and TikTok is
going to like feed into it, you know, like it
just does.

Speaker 2 (44:58):
Yeah, No, I totally get.

Speaker 7 (45:00):
It's like it's our first time living, right And so
they're like, oh, this person's older than me or more successful,
so let's listen to them. But they could say whatever
shit and they could like turn out not so great,
but you'll still not know or have the experience to
you know, spot it out until it's I don't know,
a bit too late for some.

Speaker 4 (45:19):
There's that, but it also whether or not like the
advice is.

Speaker 3 (45:26):
Good or not.

Speaker 4 (45:27):
It's more just about like the state of mind because
like my understanding is that you're bothered right now because
your brain is in an existential state of mind like
all the time, and that's really uncomfortable. And when you
go on TikTok and your whole feed is existential, it

(45:51):
reinforces the state of mind. Dude, I was, I uh
like I saw I was.

Speaker 3 (46:00):
I was.

Speaker 4 (46:00):
I was dating this person and my brain was in
an existential mood and like all of my TikTok shit.

Speaker 3 (46:11):
Comes up as is like is the feed.

Speaker 4 (46:13):
I just described it's like when you're how to know
like whatever, like things I wish I knew at twenty
when I was thirty and I was watching this person
I was dating, like scroll through her TikTok and it
came up on one of those videos and I was like, oh,
that's what I'm naturally interested in, and she just scrolled

(46:35):
right past it.

Speaker 3 (46:36):
And then all of the videos on her feed were.

Speaker 4 (46:39):
Like like, you know, like dogs and shit, you know
what I mean, Like things had nothing like dogs or
like skincare, you know, and it was like just a
shit that had nothing to do with this, And I'm like, oh,
that's why you know that.

Speaker 3 (46:55):
It was an interesting observation. It was like, oh, what
do you mean?

Speaker 4 (46:58):
My brain does not have to be in this state
all the time, you know, Like because you get a
little existential, then you go on the internet and then
YouTube starts feeding you alls guru shit and TikTok, sex, fienialds, gurushit,
and before you know it, before you know it, it
becomes the world you live in. You know, and you
don't and it's uncomfortable, and you go out with other

(47:21):
people and you meet it and you're realize that not
everyone lives in this world of existentialism that you live in,
and you're like, damn, I gotta stop programming myself.

Speaker 3 (47:32):
It's hard. I get. I get that.

Speaker 4 (47:33):
It's a whole thing where it's like once you see it,
you can and see it. But I it's manageable.

Speaker 5 (47:38):
You know.

Speaker 4 (47:39):
That's I would say that. I don't know if I'm
as a tangent.

Speaker 2 (47:43):
But yeah, no, I get that.

Speaker 7 (47:45):
Yeah, I gotta ask. I don't I personally observe it
in myself, but I don't know if you feel like
a sense of pride almost like oh my gosh, I've
been chosen to look at life in the face for
its deepest whatever and I'm special Like you don't want
to say that, or.

Speaker 2 (48:04):
But I can feel that's sort.

Speaker 7 (48:06):
Of what's going on with me to sustain myself in
this Uh, let.

Speaker 4 (48:10):
Me think about that for a second. M let me
think about that for a second, because that I hmmm,
have you been chosen? I've I have a lot of

(48:34):
I have a lot of thoughts about that. Well what
is I mean, what does that mean to you?

Speaker 2 (48:39):
Like? Not chosen?

Speaker 3 (48:40):
It was kind of no, I I know, I know,
I know, no, No, No, I know you. I know what
you mean, though, uh huh.

Speaker 7 (48:46):
I guess it's just like like you said, you can't
unsee what you've seen. And then it's it's like you
realize other people around you seemingly because you're not them
seemingly or just kind of uh like vain or like
invested in this and like worldly things whatever. They don't
really think about what they're doing. But I'm over here,

(49:06):
you know, you, like really contemplating what's important, and once
I get it, I know I'll be greater or whatever.
It's I feel like that's an underlying voice that I
don't realize, at least my ex on socialism.

Speaker 4 (49:21):
Yeah, so okay, here's a little thing about that voice.
I've had that voice, Yeah, where it's like not not
not I'm the chosen one, but like I see life
for what it is because I've had this existential crisis
and everyone else is just going through the motions and whatnot,
and it's dangerous for a few reasons. Okay, So there's

(49:47):
a bell curve I think with this, do you know
that you know the bell curve meme? Yeah, where it's like, uh, okay,
so there's a bell curve, so and I have to.

Speaker 3 (49:59):
I think I talked about this on here before, but
I'll do it again.

Speaker 4 (50:01):
There's a bell curve meme where Okay, so at the
very left side of the bell curve you have like
dumb Wojack, and dumb Wojack is like, you know, Herder,
I just do things that I like and have a
chill time. Right And then in the middle of the
bell curve that's where you are right now, is life

(50:25):
must be optimized because it is so precious, and we
cannot allow ourselves to, you know, live in ignorant bliss
because I have seen life for what it is, and
I must make the most optimal choices because I have
to do that in service of the deep preciousness of
life that I have come to understand, you know. And
that's crying freaking out Wojack. And then on the right

(50:47):
side of the bell curve is enlightened Wojack with the
hood up and he's like, I just do things that
I like, and I think about I used to think
about my uh my, my mom and my stepdad without fail.

Speaker 3 (51:06):
Every single.

Speaker 4 (51:09):
Night they eat, they make salmon, and they watch Jeopardy,
and growing up, I would think, like, man, that's crazy
How are you gonna spend your whole life just eating
salmon and watching Jeopardy? You know, like, isn't there isn't
there more to be ascertained or achieved or whatever whatever.

Speaker 3 (51:29):
And then kind of as you close a bit of a.

Speaker 4 (51:31):
Loop on an existential crisis, you realize like, oh, they
had it right all along, you know, like they're the
every every nothing. They the the the breadth of human
experience and the amazing ascension that I'm thinking I'm going

(51:51):
to achieve as a result of quote unquote seeing life
for what it is. They don't need to do all
that shit because all of that is found within eating
salmon and watching Jeopardy. Like it was all right there,
you know, so I don't I don't need to There's
no ascension there. I don't think there ever will be

(52:14):
an ascension. There's just uh, mitigating things in dealing with them.
I think That's how I feel on this uh, on
this journey right now. Is I I have I've always
had this faith that one day I will have some

(52:37):
form of ascension, not in like a religious way, but
like ascending beyond this kind of like inherent discomfort.

Speaker 3 (52:51):
But maybe I will. There's still a lot of factors left.

Speaker 4 (52:53):
But I've achieved a lot of things in my life
that I thought would bring me to that ascension, and
they have yet. But I still there's a lot of
other things that I still have on my list before
I've ascended. But I don't you know, if the other
things that I thought would bring me to some form
of ascension didn't bring me there, then I don't think

(53:15):
this will either.

Speaker 3 (53:16):
But who knows.

Speaker 1 (53:17):
Man, I.

Speaker 3 (53:19):
You know, there's things I haven't tried.

Speaker 4 (53:21):
I still, I still, in my heart of heart, believe
that I'll you know, to me, you know, ascension to.

Speaker 3 (53:30):
Me feels like.

Speaker 4 (53:33):
Having a strong state of well being day to day.
That's what it feels like to me. You don't ever like,
you don't like become God or some shit. Yeah, you know,
but yeah, that's my experience with that feeling you're talking about.

Speaker 2 (53:52):
M I see, have you have you heard of self realization?

Speaker 3 (53:59):
That concept of like, no, what is that?

Speaker 2 (54:03):
I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 7 (54:04):
I don't know that much about it. I've just heard
it from someone. Apparently it's it's kind of like enlightenment
and Buddhism or.

Speaker 2 (54:13):
Whatever.

Speaker 7 (54:13):
It's like where you can reach a state of just
nearly just not being neurotic anymore, not ever facing like
anger or any negative emotion of any sort, and you're
just kind of like living like an animal because like
they're just living on instinct. Right it's realizing the error

(54:34):
of self image or whatever.

Speaker 2 (54:37):
I don't know that.

Speaker 7 (54:38):
Much about it myself, but that's a state that you
apparently can reach.

Speaker 4 (54:42):
Yeah, and again for where I'm at right now, I'm
kind of like I mean, like I was talking to
the guy before about you know, I'm neurotic and I'm
always going to deal with crap. And I honestly think
part of honestly think part of the ascension is just

(55:04):
accepting that, accepting that, accepting the like instead of trying
to imagine a world where I never have any problems,
I never have any negative emotions, I never have fear
or anxiety. I just I just take it in as
part of life and I and I accept my imperfections
and I accept the uncertainty. That's where I think the

(55:26):
piece is found. I don't think the piece is found
in some kind of state where I don't experience those things,
but rather a state where I integrate them and accept them,
and I feel I almost feel honored to be alive,
to have them.

Speaker 2 (55:44):
M I see it.

Speaker 7 (55:49):
I guess in a way, it's it's like, definitely not
enjoyable to experience, you know, the consequences of being neurotic.
But it's like, I'm sure afterward it's kind of like, oh,
it's kind of you know, nice being alive.

Speaker 2 (56:01):
It's it's like you're able to feel. But also, I.

Speaker 7 (56:08):
Like your whole life is kind of following the pursuit
of not feeling these things as little, like as much
as possible, right.

Speaker 4 (56:16):
Right, but then once but once you accept right, but
once you accept it, you're like, is paradoxically when you
find some peace.

Speaker 2 (56:26):
Mm hmm let me.

Speaker 7 (56:28):
See accept it, like except that it's always going to
be there, but still try to minimize it.

Speaker 6 (56:36):
Mmmm.

Speaker 3 (56:39):
Something like that.

Speaker 7 (56:40):
Probably okay, I mean yeah, yeah, I can't put this
pressure on you.

Speaker 4 (56:49):
You're no, yeah, don't feel I don't feel No, I
don't I don't feel any pressure at all. I'm just
this has just been my uh experience. I mean it's
still I'm still working it out.

Speaker 3 (57:04):
That's why I'm.

Speaker 4 (57:04):
Able to sound like I have any kind of authority
on the subject. Is uh, you know, just a lot
of work, continuing to work it out. But I'm you know,
I'm trying to find my uh you just just keep working,
just keep working and trying not to go insane.

Speaker 3 (57:25):
That's what I would say, got it, bread?

Speaker 2 (57:29):
Yes?

Speaker 3 (57:30):
Wait, sorry, you wanted to say something.

Speaker 7 (57:32):
I just wanted to ask about, like how you're direct
how you're directing your life. I guess, like how do
you start this podcast? Like what motivated you too? And
then what are you following? I guess what are the
big meaningful things that let you hear?

Speaker 4 (57:49):
And this podcast truly started as an accident. Okay, Well,
I've always done stuff, and I've always fucked.

Speaker 3 (58:00):
Around on the internet and made movies and I.

Speaker 4 (58:03):
Did stand up for a while, and this podcast started
as an act, truly as an accident.

Speaker 3 (58:10):
That kind of.

Speaker 4 (58:13):
I was able to turn into a thing. And I've
been doing it for five years now, and I think
now my now, my big like direction and focus is
going to be on, uh making making little documentaries like
I made my Tijuana documentary, I made my Japan documentary.

(58:35):
I've got two other little docu videos in the works,
and those are those those videos are what interested me
right now. So I'm gonna keep trying to make those
videos of like you know, uh traveling and uh interviewing people,
and you know that feels like a very worthwhile use

(58:56):
of my time. And I'm gonna keep trying to put
on little fun things that bring people together and try
to enjoy my life and make good work and uh
do do things that feel worthwhile to me. That's been
my kind of north star over the.

Speaker 3 (59:17):
Over the year.

Speaker 2 (59:20):
Solid sounds good. I hope it all goes well.

Speaker 3 (59:24):
I hope so too, Man, I hope so too.

Speaker 2 (59:27):
I'm sure it will. Like this podcast, it's basically the
same thing I feel.

Speaker 4 (59:35):
Yeah, I mean, I you know, I was, I was struggling.
I was journaling about it before I even started recording this,
where I was struggling with like, uh, you know, the
vulnerability involved in kind of putting all your eggs, taking
taking your eggs out of the basket they've been in
for a while and putting them into a new one.
It's you know, there's some vulnerability there. But I think,

(59:59):
I think, think, what else are you gonna do?

Speaker 7 (01:00:03):
True, maybe they'll hatch I don't know if that makes sense,
but something will happen to them, something good.

Speaker 4 (01:00:10):
Yeah, and and and and If none of that works out,
I'm gonna eat a lot of chocolate. I'm gonna eat
a lot of I'm gonna eat a lot of Ben
and Jerry's.

Speaker 3 (01:00:19):
Oh my god, I had I had? You ever have
zebra cake ice cream?

Speaker 2 (01:00:24):
No? Is that a thing?

Speaker 3 (01:00:26):
It's ice cream with fucking zebra cake chunks in.

Speaker 7 (01:00:29):
It is zebra cake, the thing from like Debbie whatever, Yes.

Speaker 4 (01:00:34):
Yet Debbie, Yeah, little Debbie, zebra cakes.

Speaker 7 (01:00:38):
Due.

Speaker 2 (01:00:38):
They're just putting whatever in there. It sounds good.

Speaker 3 (01:00:42):
It's insane.

Speaker 2 (01:00:43):
Oh yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:00:43):
Honestly, I don't regret any I don't regret any time
in my life that I ate zebra cake ice cream.

Speaker 3 (01:00:51):
I mean maybe I do a little bit. I mean
I don't.

Speaker 4 (01:00:53):
I don't regret it. I'd like to move forward. I'd
like to eat less ship. But if I don't regret it,
if I did, it was all fine. It all happens.
I live in the presence. I'm trying to at least.

Speaker 7 (01:01:08):
Yeah, man, that ice stream pretty much has never happened.
It's fine. There's no consequences.

Speaker 4 (01:01:14):
Yeah, bread, was this conversation in any way, shape or
form good or helpful for you?

Speaker 2 (01:01:20):
It was very much so.

Speaker 7 (01:01:22):
Yeah, I think it was like a slap in the face.
It's just like, you know, just you know, don't overthink it,
like you said, do worth of all things? Just yeah,
you need to stop thinking so much and live. I
guess I don't know.

Speaker 3 (01:01:38):
I'll tell you. I'll tell you what if if if
you try to do that, I will try to do
that too.

Speaker 2 (01:01:43):
Sounds good.

Speaker 4 (01:01:46):
Is there anything else you want to say to the
people of the computer before we go? Bread Er, No, sir,
beautiful bread, I will see you around the universe.

Speaker 2 (01:01:58):
Yep, same to you.

Speaker 3 (01:01:59):
But that was bread.

Speaker 1 (01:02:01):
Hello.

Speaker 3 (01:02:02):
Hey, what's up?

Speaker 6 (01:02:03):
Man? You know? Is this Lyle?

Speaker 1 (01:02:06):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:02:06):
Who is this?

Speaker 6 (01:02:08):
This is Carler?

Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
Man.

Speaker 3 (01:02:09):
What's going on, Tyler? How's life?

Speaker 6 (01:02:12):
I would say it's been pretty good recently, for sure.
I just finally got a job, finally after like six
months of unemployment.

Speaker 4 (01:02:21):
Very good, very good.

Speaker 6 (01:02:25):
What kind of job, like like accounting, like accounts.

Speaker 4 (01:02:31):
Receivable, accounts receivable, that's the job from that I actually
I just watched, Uh there's a scene from the show
Bob's Burgers.

Speaker 3 (01:02:45):
Where have you ever seen this? What's on YouTube?

Speaker 4 (01:02:48):
I mean it's also in the show Bob's Burgers, but
I know from YouTube where Bob has like a has
a day dream about having a normal job after getting
like pissed off about owning the restaurant, and he goes
and he's like reading, he's reading a newspaper and he
goes accounts receivable specialist. That sounds nice, and then he
has this daydream about working in an office as an

(01:03:10):
accounts receivable specialist.

Speaker 3 (01:03:12):
Have you ever seen that?

Speaker 6 (01:03:14):
I've watched Bobs Berger, but I haven't watched that specific clip.

Speaker 4 (01:03:18):
You watch it, maybe it might make you romanticize being
an accounts receivable specialist?

Speaker 6 (01:03:24):
Honestly, am I for real? I mean, but yeah, I
got yeah, No, I was just like, I mean, I
was just gonna have to say, like, you know, I mean,
it's not the ideal job I'm looking for, but it's
definitely just like I mean, literally, I haven't gotten paid
in like six months, so it feels good to like
make money.

Speaker 4 (01:03:44):
Again, you feel, Tyler, I'm gonna ask, it's okay if
not or if this was the thing, but is there
anything in particular you called in to want I talk
about today?

Speaker 6 (01:03:57):
I guess, like I don't know. I didn't expect to answer, really,
but I mean I was just damn you know, I mean,
I don't know. I mean particularly you know, I mean
that that was just telling me about the good news
of I guess my week. I guess so yeah, I mean,
I'm I don't really have anything else really on the top.

Speaker 3 (01:04:17):
Of my head right now, but that's okay.

Speaker 6 (01:04:19):
I just want to say it's the good news and whatnot.

Speaker 3 (01:04:21):
That's good, that's good. What's your life like in general?

Speaker 6 (01:04:29):
I would say just pretty like pretty regular, I would say,
you know, just like I guess I can the unemployed
life I was living just like, wake up, go to
the gym, do homework, especially like job applications, maybe smoke
some weed. I mean, that's really kind of really my
day really kind of every day.

Speaker 4 (01:04:53):
How's how's weed been for you?

Speaker 6 (01:04:57):
You know what? Like I'm gonna lie like I took
like an eight hundred milligram edible like a couple of
days ago, and I've just been mad chilling. I don't
really smoke since then, so a couple of days.

Speaker 4 (01:05:08):
So so you're you're you're to tell me that you're
currently still riding the high of that eight hundred milligram edible,
like it hasn't worn off.

Speaker 6 (01:05:19):
You know what. Like the next to like I think
like the next day, like so like keep in mind,
like well I took it, like I took like five
hundred milligrams of it, and I took like another three
hundred like maybe like a couple hours later, and like
that next day I pretty much was just sleeping pretty
much like thirteen hours right and then and then like

(01:05:42):
I just really haven't had the craving, I guess, because
you know, sometimes you just have like that craving. It's
like they don't really want to smoke right now. M
But like I haven't had that since the edible.

Speaker 3 (01:05:52):
Mm so the edible just got rid of cravings, I guess.

Speaker 6 (01:05:59):
I mean, I mean theoretically it's kind of like a
blessing in disguy, since I got the job, you know
what I mean. It's like I don't feel like smoking
weed before or after the job right now. Just kind
of like figure out the you know, like how my
new routine will work and whatnot.

Speaker 4 (01:06:13):
You feel, Yeah, I feel I feel Hmmm, Tyler, what
do you do in your free time besides I guess
smoke weed.

Speaker 6 (01:06:24):
You know what? Like I was doing like I did
pick up ball for a little bit. Oh yeah, yeah.
I was part of a group for like I would say,
a good four months and then it just kind of
disbanded randomly. So I haven't really been able to do
that much, but I guess, like in a general sense,

(01:06:46):
like I've done like some ikes, like the gym, I
try to get into like puzzles and whatnot again, which
is been kind of therapeutic, but I don't know, sometimes
like you just got to be really locked into like
wanting that in order to like focus.

Speaker 3 (01:07:05):
What kind of puzzles are we talking?

Speaker 6 (01:07:08):
Oh no, like the like the dollar tree puzzles, like
the two hundred and fifty to five hundred piece puzzles
that are like just random images probably you can sitch
on Google.

Speaker 4 (01:07:17):
Yeah, puzzles are very calming, you know, they feel they
feel productive and linear.

Speaker 6 (01:07:24):
Yeah, yeah, exactly exactly. But you know, I mean I've
done the puzzles, like I've sometimes had like color, Like
I've like I like have like this thing where like
like really earlier on like this year, I was like
I really want to get into like my creative elements
in a sense and just like trying to just to
expand like the left side of my brain or whatever.

(01:07:45):
So like I kind of just bought a bunch of
coloring books and like crosser puzzles and actual puzzles.

Speaker 3 (01:07:52):
What kinds of shit have you been coloring?

Speaker 6 (01:07:57):
It's kind of like sometimes there's like print out online.
Sometimes there's like the coloring books themselves are just kind
of like regular general colored books, like for example, like
there's like one dedicated like animals, or like one decade
just the cars. You know, just kind of like those
kind of just basic coloring books you could just find anywhere.

(01:08:20):
But I don't know, it kind of it is kind
of weirdly therapeutic in a sense.

Speaker 4 (01:08:25):
M yeah, I gotta I gotta get on that coloring
book ship, you know. Yeah, just something to occupy the mind, right,
I mean that's kind of like what we were talking
about in the previous call, is like just trying to
not have your mind wander on shiit.

Speaker 6 (01:08:43):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 4 (01:08:45):
A video games are good for that. What are you
gonna say?

Speaker 2 (01:08:48):
Oh?

Speaker 6 (01:08:49):
Yeah, I was just gonna say. My grandpa said this
one quot where it's like like I don't like the
idle mind is after about the exact quote, but it's
like something like the idle mind is like the.

Speaker 1 (01:08:59):
Worst mind or something like that.

Speaker 6 (01:09:00):
I don't know totally like just being not preoccupied or
not totally and you.

Speaker 3 (01:09:04):
Know what, you know what, you start go ahead and
go ahead?

Speaker 6 (01:09:08):
No no, no, no, go ahead, no go ahead.

Speaker 3 (01:09:09):
Oh I was gonna.

Speaker 4 (01:09:10):
So you know what's funny is like some people, some
people say the opposite of that ship. They're like, you
can't keep doing stuff to escape your thoughts. You gotta
improve you, guys, improve the quality of your thoughts when
they're when you're idle.

Speaker 3 (01:09:23):
I think that's fucking stupid.

Speaker 4 (01:09:25):
You know. I think doing things to escape your thoughts
great idea. Meditation that I mean, I'm I'm, I'm, I'm
I'm kind of bullshitting here. I'm just being being funny,
but uh, meditation does feel like a kind of bullshit
in that sense of like, wait, I don't want to
sit with my thoughts.

Speaker 3 (01:09:44):
I gotta avoid these guys.

Speaker 4 (01:09:46):
You know, I think it's just about it's about the
quality of the thing you're doing, probably to avoid your thoughts,
because you know, you can avoid thoughts by fucking eating
ice cream or doing starting a fucking landscaping company. But
it's still doing the same thing, still avoiding thoughts. That's
why you go to work or do anything.

Speaker 6 (01:10:07):
Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't know, Like I
feel like I don't know, Like I guess, like when
I have like those negative thoughts, sometimes I kind of
just try to like figure out why, and then like
when I discovered the why, then it kind of leads
to like a whole like oh wait, I've been avoiding
this for like years and then like and then you're like,

(01:10:28):
oh wait, I probably should just make slowly efforts at things,
like I'll give you an example, Like I guess, like
I trance, like I switched to like schools online originally
being in person, and I kind of like lost like
that social kind of like aspect of.

Speaker 1 (01:10:44):
It of school and whatnot.

Speaker 6 (01:10:45):
So like I guess like the feeling of like loneliness
kind of like overtakes me sometimes, so like sometimes I
got to figure out like how to deal with the thoughts,
like maybe not smoking weeds, just like actually like going
out there and actually going on like a meetup kind
of like have you've mentioned for in your previous episodes.

Speaker 4 (01:11:03):
M hm, did you say that you did you say
that you went to a meet up or you thinking
about going to a meetup?

Speaker 6 (01:11:13):
Oh, Like I've been to like a couple like I've
I think it's like whenever, like well like as recently, no,
but like within the past six months, yes, like for
that pickleball thing. That's how I found it.

Speaker 3 (01:11:27):
Yeah, well that's why it's.

Speaker 6 (01:11:28):
Tougher in my area at least, I don't know.

Speaker 3 (01:11:30):
Well, what's your area.

Speaker 6 (01:11:33):
I'm in, like southern California where it's like kind of
the unique culture. I mean I could kind of like,
I mean, I could just go to LA area. It's
like an hour for me for some better things, but
I don't know, I'm I have to like drive everywhere.

Speaker 4 (01:11:49):
Yeah, well, so what do you mean it's I mean,
so cal is full of I mean La is full
of ship everywhere. M hm, you know.

Speaker 6 (01:11:58):
Yeah. But like but at least my area right or
like the OC area, Like I don't know, it's like
it's either like a bunch of like like younger families
or just like really old people. So it's like kind
of hard to find people my age because usually they
moved out of the area by then, or if they did,

(01:12:20):
or if they didn't, I don't know where to find them.

Speaker 3 (01:12:26):
How was the pickleball meet up?

Speaker 6 (01:12:31):
Yeah, so I'll try to remember as much as I can,
but pretty much when I got there. How it first
started was we had to like we had to like
determine like what level of pickleball knowledge we were. I
think it's like like it goes from like one to
five and I barely I mean, I played tennis a
little bit back in the day, but I wasn't really

(01:12:54):
as like knowledgeable about the rules of pickleball, so I
was kind of just like learning. It's like the first
day of me going to this was like actually learning
the sport, and then kind of like it's kind of
turned into like just random groups revolving like you would
be this like an hour and just you'd probably play
like three or four games do that like once a week.

(01:13:15):
It's pretty fun. I mean I didn't really connect with
a lot of people at that because like I don't know,
it's like it's it's.

Speaker 4 (01:13:23):
Well, well, well, well, well, Here's one thing that I
think people don't realize when they go to meetups or
shit like that, is that you don't if if you
go to a thing like that and you instantly make
a bunch of friends and uh, everything instantly feels amazing, then.

Speaker 3 (01:13:39):
You got very lucky.

Speaker 1 (01:13:41):
Right.

Speaker 4 (01:13:42):
You're supposed to the like you don't that shoul didn't
happen overnight. Like you join communities by repeatedly being a
part of them. So you you can't like just go
to one thing and then see that it already has
You can't because I think like a lot of people,
like they go to one thing and then they see
that it already has its own culture and whatnot, and

(01:14:02):
then they feel isolated from that culture and then they
go home and they're like, I don't know if I
ever want.

Speaker 3 (01:14:06):
To do that again.

Speaker 4 (01:14:07):
But that's because you're you have way too many expectations
from the first thing. You got to kind of find
a thing that you're repeatedly showing up to, and even then,
it doesn't take that long.

Speaker 3 (01:14:17):
Really, it doesn't take that long, you know.

Speaker 4 (01:14:21):
I mean if you go to the se because if
you go to the same fucking pickleball thing, you know
once a week for six months, you know you're you're
in the clear.

Speaker 6 (01:14:34):
No, you're absolutely right, Like I definitely believe that. I
definitely do that, honestly. And yeah, I mean, like the
pickleball is a unique situation since the it just got
disbanded and just disappeared. But like, yeah, like i I've
been trying to learn to like have that expectation kind
of go down where like, you know, I'm not going
to be friends with everyone immediately, but if I do,

(01:14:55):
that'd be nice. But you know, it's just it's just
kind of being consistent regular. It's kind of like the
big kind of key component. It's like the meeting community
is just being consistent with where you're going to.

Speaker 3 (01:15:08):
Yeah, I agree with that.

Speaker 4 (01:15:11):
What did you say your name was, Jacob Kyler?

Speaker 6 (01:15:16):
Fuck you?

Speaker 4 (01:15:20):
No, Well, it's annoying because if you came up to
me in three years and you were like, yo, we
talked about how I went to meet people at a pickleball,
I'd be like, yeah, I do remember that, but I
won't I won't remember what the I honestly, I honestly,
I don't apologize for not for forgetting the names. I
remember the things, but I don't remember any names. It
just is a thing you.

Speaker 6 (01:15:42):
I'll go with me. Man, you probably talked to some people.

Speaker 4 (01:15:44):
You're probably no, it's not even it's not even that.

Speaker 3 (01:15:46):
It's not even that. It's not even that Kyler.

Speaker 4 (01:15:51):
Yes, because I talked to so many people, but I
remember a lot of the I don't know why I'm
getting upset right now. I remember a lot of the thing.
I remember the things, the conversations, but I just like
names or not. You know, I forget names of people
that I know in real life all the time.

Speaker 6 (01:16:10):
Wasn't there like a time when you're like, I'm just
gonna call people caller, Like, I'm not gonna remember names,
call people call her. Yeah, but but hey, it's all good.

Speaker 3 (01:16:23):
You know what. What's your name is, Kyler?

Speaker 6 (01:16:27):
Yep, you got it.

Speaker 4 (01:16:28):
Is there anything else you want to say to the
people of the computer before we go.

Speaker 6 (01:16:33):
Just be consistent with what you want to do with
your life, and things will hopefully happen.

Speaker 4 (01:16:40):
Thank you, Kyler, have a good rest of your entire existence.

Speaker 6 (01:16:43):
Appreciate it. Get blessed by Kyler goes on the line, thinking,
every night.

Speaker 3 (01:16:50):
Everything goes to teaching you.

Speaker 4 (01:16:53):
The