October 19, 2025 • 75 mins
A caller starts living in their work truck after their 9 year relationship ends, a caller fears they’re a mean person, and a final caller tries to find me.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, Hey, what's up?
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Man? Hey, what's going on? Just the gick it is?
Speaker 1 (00:04):
What's your name?
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Uh? You can call me the Nasty Butler.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
The Nasty Butler? I like that. How did you come
up with the Nasty Butler?
Speaker 2 (00:15):
It's a CB handle I got from a movie.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
It's a CD handle. Oh, so like it's the uh
wait what does that mean? A CD handle from a movie? Like?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Uh? CB is the radio that like truck drivers use
to communicate with other truck drivers. Oh, A handle is
a nickname.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Right, because on the road you all have secret identities.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
That's right. Interesting, your identity is the Nasty butlert thumb
Wars some wars.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
What is thumb Wars?
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Some words? It's a parody of Star Wars made from
thumbs with faces on it. From the guy that made
Jimmy Neutron funny movie.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Now, I don't know what your real name is. But
when you're yourself, just in your house, you're not on
the road, do you feel a historic difference between you
as whoever you really are and you and you are
the Nasty Butler?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Yeah? Totally. Man, it's a pretty surreal sometimes. I mean
it's kind of like I'm sure you'd had a job before.
You know, you're kind of a different person when you're
at your job and then you go home and you're
just yourself.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
How would you describe the difference between you and the
nasty Butler?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Damn, that's a good question. Uh, I don't know. I think, uh,
as a truck driver, I'm a little bit more well,
as a working man, I'm a little bit more detail oriented.
And you know, when you're at home, you're just kind
of like Lase Fair, relaxed, don't give a fuck, you know.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Yeah, what is it you wanted to talk about today,
Nasty Butler?
Speaker 2 (02:25):
I don't know. I did text you that.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
You know, recently, my fiance broke up with me like
four months ago. We were together for like nine years,
and so now I'm just living in the truck, trying
to figure out what I'm gonna do next, and looking
at like some apartments and I kind of realized, like
I could live anywhere in the world, well in the
(02:49):
United States at this point, but you know, before I
was kind of tied to where I lived. Before, you know,
I had a dog, girlfriend, house life and all that.
And now I feel like year in a way, but
still kind of down that I don't have my fiance anymore,
But yeah, I could live anywhere, you know, looking at cars. Yeah,
(03:14):
that's kind of cool.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
That's an interesting balance, that freedom versus the great It's
like a freedom versus grief almost.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to like convert my grief into
a positive by like, Okay, now I can kind of
figure out what's next and the posibility to kind of
opened up.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
So let's talk about this. While you were in that relationship,
did you have any sense of festering within you that
you wanted two be free and go places and do
things if only you were not tied to where you were,
(04:04):
you know.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Sort of? But she also had that desire, so it
was always kind of like, oh, let's like walk across
the country, or like let's go Stelts Camping three hours
away and then you know, let's travel somewhere. Let's live
in a van together. It was always kind of like
we both have the same idea of not wanting to
(04:27):
stay put and like experience new things. But now, but before,
it was kind of like, you know, we had to
do it together. You know, it was like we needed
permission from each other to kind of do these things,
but now it's all up to me, and so that's
(04:48):
kind of where I feel more free and now than
I did.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
That makes sense, Yes, yes, was she the holdout?
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (05:01):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Yeah sort of because she was always like, oh, I
have family here, you know that, like she takes care
of her family, and so it's like, you know, we
can't travel for like a month or two because there
was always like obligations and rent, you know, for example.
(05:24):
And for me it was always like like I don't
really care, like we could not pay rent, we could
lose the house. It's fine, Like let's just go live
life and do something interesting. You know.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
What's so funny is my friend I was I was
in the car once with my friends and his girlfriend
and my friend was like said to his girlfriend, if
you broke up with me, I would be living in
this car tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah. Yeah, that's a pretty real and you could definitely
do it. It's really easy to live in a vehicle.
Like right now, I'm living in this truck. I don't
have many things, which is nice. So like everything that
I had at my house fits in this truck, like
(06:17):
clothes and a laptop, and it's fine.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Are you a little bit more into roughing it than
she is.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
You know, I I think I'm no, no, I think
we're pretty equal on roughing it and like minimalist lifestyle.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Can I ask only if you want to talk about it,
like why did the relationship end?
Speaker 2 (06:46):
You know, I never got a straight answer. For the
most part. She was pretty much like she drove me
to the truck one day and I was like, hey,
you know, we need to like work on some things
and like be more present and stuff like that. I
was like, okay, cool, Like I can definitely work on that.
(07:09):
Like I realized that it's hard because I'm on the
road for a week to two weeks at a time,
then come home for three days and then go back out,
so it's kind of hard to be present. But I
was like, yeah, you know, I'll work on these things.
And then two days later she texts me and it's like, yeah,
you know, we're going to break up. Like damn, that sucks.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
It was over text. Yeah you're with this woman for
nine years. Yeah have you heard from her since?
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Yeah? She you know, we kind of agreed to stay friends.
So like she'll call like at least once a week
and you know, just chat. But it's kind of cordial.
It's fine, just well, at least they'll trying to get
over it. Mostly got over it. But it seems like
she got over it right away. You know. It seemed
(08:04):
like she was kind of planning her out. It felt
like she was planning her out for like maybe months
before she actually broke up with me.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
How do you feel.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
I'm okay, Okay, it's just weird. It's weird to be
where I'm at right now because I was in a
place for nine years emotionally, you know, and now it's
just different. So I'm trying to like figure out my
life again, you know.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Yeah, you're somewhere new. Now, how old are you?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Three?
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Okay, so you spent this is actually like I don't know.
This is interesting to me, your predicament because you've spent
your entire twenties in one Yeah, you're right, one particular
like emotional mindset. And now you're like, oh shit, all right,
(09:06):
I can do whatever.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Now.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Thirty is the new twenty. You ever heard that?
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah? Yeah, I guess it is. Yeah. So yeah, so
I'm looking at apartments, but I don't even know if
I want to live in an apartment, you know, I
don't want to be tied to a particular location per se.
I don't even know where I would want to go.
(09:33):
I know, I don't really want to live where I
lived before. Kind of want to experience like other places.
But I feel like if I buy a van and
you know, live out of that while I'm not driving
the truck, then I can still travel around a little
bit and figure out where I want to be.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
M what places are in your docket?
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Thinking Texas maybe, so I live in the I've lived
most of my life in the Northeast, so I kind
of want to check out like that Texas, Florida, Georgia.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Maybe, yeah, you should do it. I mean, so it's
been four while Eve been living in the truck for
four months? Yeah, have you been driving it around.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
As Yeah? Like, uh, you know for work. You know,
I work seventy hours a week as a truck driver,
so driving from place to place. They don't let me
like take the truck when I'm not doing work things
to go places. So like right now I'm just at
a truck stop for my break and for sleep.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
And does the company know that you're living in your
work truck?
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah? So they were like, oh, when do you want
home time? And I was like, you know what, just
said it for July of twenty twenty six because I
don't have anywhere to go. So they're like, okay, bye.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
M life is a truck driver is kind of kind
of crazy. I mean, are you're working seven you're on
the road, just driving for seventy hours a week?
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Yep?
Speaker 1 (11:21):
What do you do during that time?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Listen to therapey Gecko podcasts, other podcasts, music called Friends.
A lot of times it don't pick up because other
people are not spending seventy hours sitting right.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
It's funny, man. You know, I feel like I don't
get to think that often about like this podcast out
in the universe, but I'm I'm feel I feel kind
of honored to be in your truck.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Cool man. Yeah. Yeah, every time you post on it,
I listened to it. I really like the uh they
that way? Yeah? You already?
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Do you get lonely on the road?
Speaker 2 (12:18):
You know, for like spurts for like minutes, I'll be like, man,
I wish somebody was here, and then I just kind
of get over it. I've always kind of been a
solo kind of person.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
How long have you been doing that?
Speaker 2 (12:33):
For driving truck. Yea two years.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
What would you do before that?
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Just general like warehouse, labor, work, restaurants, stuff like that.
I can too serious.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
M hm hmm. So when you get time off to
go on your adventures.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
When do I Yeah, so I can pretty much ask
them like whenever. So after seventy hours, you get thirty
four hour break. So because I don't have a car
right now, I can't really do that. So I'm just
at truck stops for thirty four hours. But as soon
(13:28):
as I get a car and figure out where I
want to put that car so that I could park
the truck next to it, and then I will be
going on mini adventures.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Was the amount of time you were spending on the road, uh,
harmful to your relationship?
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Yeah? I think it definitely was. And you know, it
was something that my girlfriend never said that was an issue,
and I would always apologize for it, and she's like, oh,
it's fine, like you know, making money for us, like
we're trying to build the lights. And I was like, yeah,
but you know, it kind of sucks. But I definitely
feel like that was a huge cause of the breakout
(14:10):
because I'm not around. Oh you want to know something
cool too.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Yeah, she uh, she got a boyfriend like two days
after we broke up. Oh wow, Yeah, so I kind
of think that was in the works while I've been
on the road.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Yeah, just a just a theory.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
But bro, you're like a you're like a military husband.
Yeah right, yeah, really you're that's kind of You're like
the deal is she's like away, like you're away for
such a long periods of time.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Is it good money?
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Yeah, it's pretty good money, Like eighteen hundred a week.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
And you want to walk across the country.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
I would. I would totally walk across the country. When
I was leaving high school. My plan was to walk
from the northeast to the south, like camp along the
way and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
It's cool.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Yeah, I think that would be pretty fun.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Is that on your plan? Is that on your list
of things to do now that you have your freedom?
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Well? I think I would not be able to be
a truck driver, considering the time is so demanding, Like
I would only get three days off before I have
to get back from the truck. It was I can't
walk that fast.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
So when would you When would you do? Because you're
telling me about like all these like grand adventures. I
guess that you want to go on, right, And you
seem like and listen, you're not a You're not a
fancy pants You're like, well what you're what your you know?
Your ex was like, what do we do about rent?
You're like, we just want to pay it. Yeah, you're like,
(16:12):
we just say what I always won't pay rent?
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Don't pay it?
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Yeah. So so I think the.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Plan is to save up a bunch of money so
that I have a good amount saved so that I
can do grand adventures, and then when I come out
of the adventure have a bunch of money to use
just in case I can't get back to work right away.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
How much do you think you need before you go?
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Hmm, that's a good question, I would say. I mean
I don't spend a lot, so I mean even five
to ten thousand would probably be comfortable. Mm hmm. Give
me like a month or two of looking for a
job and somewhere to live. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Yeah, you guys didn't have kids together, did you.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
No, we had a dog that I missed terribly. Yeah,
it's fine. Hm.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Hm.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
You were just in Iraq, right, I was?
Speaker 1 (17:33):
I was in Iraq. I was that it was interesting.
It was really enlightening as to the difference between like
governments and the people that actually live in the place.
But I want to know more about you, Okay, I
want to know more about you, unless if you're unless
(17:55):
if you asked me that because you don't want to
talk about yourself.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
No, it's fine. I just felt like I was talking
too much and I wanted to I was curious about
your iracketment.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
That's very polite of you, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
M So.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Are you going to try to date again?
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Yeah? I'd like to at some point. Being a truck driver,
you don't get to like meet people or hang around
the same person for extended periods of time. They were
sitting in the truck, so they would have to already
be comfortable with me. So yeah, I mean for sure,
(18:43):
It's just kind of not really super important on my
mind right now. I just kind of want to save
money and figure out life before I try to bring
somebody else's life into my life.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Yeah. Have you ever had someone with you on the
road before? No?
Speaker 2 (19:07):
No, that would be cool, though, it would be interesting.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
What's up with the lot lizards?
Speaker 2 (19:17):
You know, I've never seen one, but I hear about them.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Oh, this is what I want to know. Hold on,
Nasty Butler. Nasty Butler. So that's your road. Do you
chat with other dudes on the radio?
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Yeah? So generally it's the radio. It's pretty silent until
you're in like a traffic jam and people are bored
or there's an accident. But a lot of times other
truck drivers and myself included, will like warn other truck
drivers like, oh, what lane is closed or you know,
stuff like that, And a lot of times you'll just
(19:58):
hear people talking.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
About that, people talking about dicks.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Yeah, they're just talking about penises all the time.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Why do they talk about penises all the time.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I don't know. I think they're just bored. You know.
I'll turn it on right now and if anybody said
something right, hear it over the zone.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Is your is your truck in motion?
Speaker 2 (20:25):
No? Now, I'm part at the stuff right now.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
So what do you do when you're just like alone
in the truck.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
I have my laptop and I like try to make
apps and web design and music and stuff.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
You try to make apps?
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Yeah, I made as an app that helps me like
organize the information I need to pick up orders from customers.
And it helps that. There's like a calculator that I
wrote for lighting so on the trailer. On the truck trailer,
(21:05):
the back tires they actually like slide forward and back
to help balance the weight. And then there's there's a
bunch of holes that a pin goes into to lock
it into place. So I wrote a calculator that kind
of calculates where that pin should go so that the
weight is legalized.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Did you Okay? So I've been working out of like
a coworking space that's very like there's a lot of
like tech people there. So I just learned of this
phrase that I'm gonna drop. Did you? Did you vibe
code it?
Speaker 2 (21:48):
A little bit of it was vibe coded? Yes, okay, yeah,
But I'm more of like a designer, so all of
that I did, but like the the math and the
logic for making the buttons and stuff work was vibe coded.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Isn't that a hilarious term? It mean? For those who
don't know, that means I mean that I mean you
you you actually make apps, So correct me if I'm wrong,
But that just means to like use AI to make
your app.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Right, Yeah, but it sounds like you're going off like
feeling like it's the vibe.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
That's what it means, right, is you're just like you
basically like type and type into like Chatchy pet some shit.
You're like, here's the vibe of an app I want
to make, and then it makes the app for you.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Right, That's that's the goal, that's the intention, But it
doesn't really work out if you just like you really
have to hold its hand to make it do what
you want it to do.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Are you hoping at any point to try to make
some money off of web design and apps?
Speaker 2 (22:55):
I did when I was like eighteen, but I'm I'm
not a salesman, and to really make money by yourself
with like apps and websites, you have to sell yourself
to potential customers, and I'm just not gonna have it,
so I kind of gave up on that. But it's
I've had some people come up to me and they're like, hey, man,
(23:17):
can you make my website? I'm like, yeah, sure, why not,
I'll do it for free whatever?
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Cool? Cool? Yeah, that must be a lot of fucking
work doing driving the truck for that long and then
stopping to make apps or a vibe code them.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
You know, it's My brain is like constantly moving when
I'm driving, and there's not much stimulation. So when I
get done driving, I'm it's really hard to just go
to sleep like I be doing something.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Yeah, of course you're nighttime revenge procrastination. They call it.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Nighttime revenge procrastination.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
So it's something like that. Maybe that's not the exact
order of the words, but it's something like that.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
It sounds about right. I like it.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Hmm, what's your name again?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
It makes some tunes, Nasty Butler.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Oh, what kind of music do you make in the truck?
Speaker 2 (24:17):
I make goth music. Goth music, Yeah, gothic electronic music.
Speaker 1 (24:24):
When I think gothic music, I think of like emo
kind of music.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
Definitely not emo music. I'd say emo is like more
like rock, sort of metal ish, but like with whiny vocals,
right yeah, and then goth is just like it's got
like a sad vibe, but it's not like whiny, like
woe with me. It's just like dark themes and distortion
(24:54):
and stuff like that, like spooky vibes.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
You make spooky music, spooky music, that's cool. Wait, give
me your name one more time. Nasty Butler, Nasty Butler.
I forgot you never gave me your real name.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Hm hmm. Could be my real name?
Speaker 1 (25:20):
No, I don't think it. I don't think it legally,
it could be your real name, that your I don't
think your parents named you. I don't think you can
legally name your baby nasty.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
Probably not, but you can probably get your name changed
to it.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Yeah, I still don't think you did that.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
M one. Now, mhmm.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Are you satisfied with this phone call? I feel like
I feel like there's maybe more that we could get into,
but you speak with a soft demeanor and appear from
my end to have shared all your at least desiring
(26:08):
to share in this moment. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Yeah, I mean pretty satisfied. I guess I didn't really Uh,
I didn't really expect you to call, To be honest,
I'm surprised to call.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
What are you gonna do? When are you gonna do
this big walk? I hope you do it. I hope
you find a way.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
I hope we get wanted to do for like twelve years,
so hopefully you know. I should actually make a date
and like plan for it to make sure I actually
do it.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
Yeah, yeah, it's important. That's one of that's one of
my biggest realizations is that if you have anything that
you possibly we could think of wanting to do, you
have to do it right fucking now. There's really never
a good time.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Ye I'll set it for like May next year. I
don't know what. It gives me a couple of months,
that's fine, May of next year.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Is there anything else you want to say to the
people of the computer before we go?
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Walk more? Take some walks? I liked that.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Thanks for calling, Nasty Butler. Call do me a fan. Okay, listen,
do this in May after you finish the walk or
I mean, it's fun. It's gonna take you a long
ass time. Okay, so maybe in a year, however long
it takes you to do it, give me a call
when you're done.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
All right, we'll do.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Thank you, Nasty Butler.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Thanks having going.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
I liked that guy. He had a nice demeanor. He
had a nice demeanor. He was very interesting. That was
me starting a sentence and then they're having to not
(28:20):
knowing how to finish it. I think he'll be Okay,
what an interesting life that is being a truck driver.
If I have to be completely you know, I'm gonna
be completely utterly honest right now. Talking to that caller
(28:41):
just now gave me a lot of perspective on my
own life. You know, I'm like, damn, this guy works
seventy hours a week driving a truck and he takes
it on the chin. You gotta give him some credit.
Makes you think about makes you think about being a
(29:03):
pussy for you know, whatever it is. Well, I'm not
going to project it makes me feel like being a
pussy for having a fake, funny gecko job, but in
a good way. And you know I have a lot
of respect for him. Okay, let's take another phone call. Hello, Hi, Hi, Yes,
(29:36):
this is the gek. What's your name? Oh?
Speaker 4 (29:38):
Hi, I don't even know if I should give out
my real name.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
That's okay, I'll call you Mickayla. I'm sorry I said
I'll call you Michayla. I just whipped that one up.
Speaker 4 (29:51):
Oh awesome, Okay, Hi, I'm Michayla.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
See, I feel like you know what I should start doing.
I've been saying this for so long. I should start
us just a sign all the you. By the way,
at any given time, you can change that name. That's
just the name you've been assigned. It's not part. It's
up to you. It's some people they don't they're not
good at coming up with fake names, so I'll assign
them a fake name.
Speaker 4 (30:15):
Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
I like it, thinks Mikaela.
Speaker 4 (30:19):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
I'm like, no, no, no, no, don't be. I promise
listen that so that you'll feel shaky for about one
hundred and twenty more seconds and then you won't. Then
everything will be fine. So what's going what's going on
with MICHAELA? What's happening?
Speaker 4 (30:37):
Jesus? I don't know. I've been wanting to talk to
you for a while, but honestly, like now, you put
me on the spot and I have no idea what
I'm wanted to talk about. I I texted you earlier,
I'm trying therapy for the third time in my life,
and so that's that's I'm giving that a try. I
(30:58):
don't know you want to go into that right away.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
You texted me and you said, I feel like a
literal asshole sometimes and I don't mean to and it's
ruining my life. Is that? Is this something you still
want to talk about?
Speaker 4 (31:16):
Uh? Yeah, I guess it all loops together. I guess.
So I don't know.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
I just.
Speaker 4 (31:25):
I don't know how to explain it.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Gag. I'm sorry, it's okay, take a time.
Speaker 4 (31:32):
It's just sometimes I just feel like everybody like does
things to like. I don't know, I just feel like
I villainize a lot of people in my life.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
You feel like everyone does things to piss you off.
Speaker 4 (31:49):
Yes, oh, necessarily to piss me off, but to just
make me feel bad, And it's just wrapping into the
whole time everything, and I just I just feel like
everyone's doing me and and I don't know, and you know,
and I like, I I just think of reasons to
make it make sense in my head of why they
(32:11):
would act a certain way towards me, you know, and
I like make myself believe it, and it's not the
case a lot of times, and so it makes me
react like a fucking asshole to people that aren't being
assholes to me. And I catch myself a lot of
the times, and it makes me feel like shit, you know,
And I don't know, and I don't I definitely don't
(32:35):
mean to. And maybe it's the way I react or
the way my tone in voice or something. I just
feel like I'm mean, I'm just feel like I'm a
mean person, you know.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
I mean, your tone of voice doesn't sound particularly mean.
I mean, granted we've been on a fairly cordial phone call. Yeah,
I've had that before. By the way, in my life,
I don't yeah, I don't have I haven't had anything
like that. I had a little bit of that when
(33:10):
I was younger. I yeah, I want to say, in
high school, not that every I want to say in
high school, I never felt like I don't think I
ever explicitly felt as though the world was against me
or a lot of people were against me. But I
(33:31):
felt at times in my life. Yeah, I remember in
high school feeling a lot of times of like a
little bit, yeah, actually a little bit that the world
was against me in some way, or that like people
were against me. Definitely that people didn't like me. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
And it's not.
Speaker 4 (33:51):
Even that I care to be liked, to be honest, like,
you know, it's easy to say I don't care, but
deep down you do. But I don't know, man, It's
just I don't know, like I really like, you know,
I I am a nice person, like, yeah, you know,
I will never go out of my way to be mean.
(34:13):
To somebody, you know, But it's just like I don't know,
just little things like I just catch on like certain
little tones, like change of voice, like certain expressions towards me,
and I just feel like, you know, like it's just
on purpose towards me make me feel bad, but it's not,
you know, and like I know it's not. But it's
(34:34):
hard to get out of thinking that way when I
don't know, I've thought about this for years and it's
just it's hard. It's a hard habit to kick.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
I guess, dude, I keep, I fucking keep forgetting that
so much of life is about perspective. I really really
really keep forgetting that. And yeah, that's yeah, And that's
the problem is you because right because you've you've developed
this mindset that the world is against you, and when
(35:08):
you feed that wolf of your in your brain like
we have, this is like I think this is what
like cognitive behavioral therapy is. And not that I've ever
I've also I've tried therapy a bunch. I've never had
like a long streak of time where I was like, oh,
(35:28):
I'm in therapy and this is awesome. I haven't found
the right one. I've found a lot of just shit ones.
Speaker 4 (35:39):
And you know, I don't think.
Speaker 3 (35:40):
It's such a case for me.
Speaker 4 (35:41):
I think I sound really great therapists. I have given
me a lot of ways to cope, you know, and
like like say five years ago, if I was like
in the middle of a panic attack, I wouldn't be
able to like think, you know, like, hey, this is happening,
like you need to breathe, you need to slow down.
And like now, like I feel like I'm in a
better state of where I'm able to a little bit
(36:04):
and not completely pull myself out of it, but you know,
to be able to like practice those tools that I've
been given throughout the years. And it's not that I've
had bad therapists. It's just that I think I've just
been a little bit scared to do the inner work.
And you know, I've tried the talking therapy, I've tried
EMDR and now I'm back again to just regular you know,
(36:29):
speaking therapy with with somebody, and yeah, I just hope
I'm able to keep going. And you know, I know
I'm you know, at first I started and then two
months in and I started feeling great, and I was like, oh,
you know, this is awesome, and then like now it's
like four months in and I'm like, yeah, this sucks,
(36:49):
just having to relieve a lot of things and a
lot of things are you know, coming up for me again,
and it's just a little hard for me to keep
my like interpersonal relationships. I struggle a lot, like co
workers and maintaining friendships, and it's just really lonely.
Speaker 1 (37:09):
Why do you think you struggle with maintaining friendships?
Speaker 4 (37:12):
Because I think people are out to get me, you know,
not necessarily, but I just feel like it's not genuine,
Like the friendship isn't genuine that I just feel like,
you know, people are just I feel like people aren't
genuinely interested in getting to know me and that they're
just kind of getting intel and you know, not for like.
Speaker 2 (37:34):
Genuine reason.
Speaker 1 (37:35):
Are you are you basing? What are you basing? Like
where where is this perspective coming from?
Speaker 2 (37:43):
What do you mean?
Speaker 4 (37:44):
I'd like to know that too? I don't know, Like.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
Wait wait wait wait, okay, so so so so okay.
So for example, right, like you're in a conversation with somebody,
what is it about? Like okay, so let's say you're
in a conversation with somebody and they're like asking you
a question, like they're like, MICHAELA, what'd you do today
in your brain? Do you go? Are you asking me
that to gain information about my day that you can
(38:08):
use against me later for your plot?
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Well it's not even about my day.
Speaker 4 (38:13):
But you know, like people are starting, like when I
first started getting like I switched. I have a history
of switching jobs because I just can't with full workers.
Like I don't know if I'm like I don't know
if I'm like being picked on, or if I just
like I said, I would just loop, you know, I
just rab it hole myself into it. But like people say,
(38:37):
I've had asked people ask I'm very reserved about it
what I share. So it's just hard for me to
even say this. But like I like with people would
ask me about my son, you know, like oh, why
why do you want to know.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
About my son?
Speaker 4 (38:49):
Like what's it to you?
Speaker 2 (38:50):
You know?
Speaker 4 (38:50):
But it's just coworkers, like you know, we see each
other every day, we have to talk and and you know,
and like I see, like it's so stupid, Like I
think of it and I'm like, it's so stupid to
think about it this way.
Speaker 2 (39:02):
But when it's happening.
Speaker 4 (39:03):
It's just like it just goes through my head. You know. Sorry,
I'm rambling. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
No no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no, I'm
just listening. How old is you? How old is your son?
Speaker 4 (39:17):
My son is for?
Speaker 1 (39:19):
How's he doing?
Speaker 2 (39:21):
He's great.
Speaker 4 (39:22):
Yeah, I have a lot of help. I struggle a lot.
I'm I'm not sayingle mom, but I have a lot
of help. I'm thankful for my village, you know. There.
I I struggled a lot, you know, with postpartum and
and just trying to kick things that happened when I
(39:44):
just a lot of traumatic things when I was pregnant.
And you know, my son is almost five and I'm
still kind of dealing with this stuff emotionally and so
like it's it's tough at times being a mom and
being a person and and knowing yourself that of being
a mom, and so it's just hard. I feel like
(40:04):
I don't have a social life because I don't have friends,
and I just like closed off work and home working home,
and I'm but he's great. I'm sorry, I drifted.
Speaker 1 (40:15):
All who do you have helping you?
Speaker 4 (40:19):
My parents?
Speaker 1 (40:23):
It's hard if you don't want to talk about it,
but I'm like, I'm just curious, like what happened to dad?
Speaker 4 (40:31):
Oh, he hasn't seen the baby since I was like
two months old. But it was just hard, you know,
like he was very abusive, emotionally abusive, and he like
took me to cour for like full custody when my
(40:53):
son was like two months old, so like I couldn't
even process, you know, like being a new mom because
I had to deal with a lot of like legal
stuff and it was just I don't know, he just
put a lot on me when he could have just
walked away and left it. And so yeah, so he's
not in the picture at all. I hope it stays
(41:14):
that way. I have all legal and physical rights. So
I yeah, that's that's my baby.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
How old are you if you don't mind me asking?
Speaker 4 (41:25):
I will be twenty six next month?
Speaker 1 (41:28):
Cool? Yeah, Well, like what can I ask? What state
you live in?
Speaker 4 (41:40):
I live in New Mexico.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
Okay, sorry, I'm not gathering intel to use against you.
I'm just like trying to I'm just painting a picture
in my head of like what your surroundings are and
your existences.
Speaker 4 (41:56):
There's literally nothing here. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
Well, Okay. The reason I well, there's a few the
reasons I asked you the questions I asked you is
because you sound like you're missing, uh, like a community.
You know, we you know, we talk about this a
lot on the show. You sound like you're missing a
community of some kind or like a space that you
can be in where there's other people that's not just
(42:22):
your home and your word. Yeah, but it's really fucking
hard for you because you have a kid.
Speaker 4 (42:28):
Too, right, Yeah, And like I said, like I have
a lot of help, and you know I'm not I'm
very respectful my parents time and stuff. So but you know,
there's a couple of times here and there where don't
let me, you know, will not let me, but you
know they'll don't watch don't watch them for me a
couple a couple of hours, and I'll I like to
(42:52):
I mean, I go out alone because like I said,
I don't have friends, but like I like to go
to raise, you know, So I'll go solo. I'll go solo.
I'm all go sober. You know, I'll have to drive
home at the end, I have to drive like an
hour thirty minutes to get there to where there usually
are to the big city, so I have to drive back.
But I mean I love it. It's like a little stake
(43:16):
for me, you know, Like I don't know, I like it.
Like I said, I don't go to be crazy during
two drugs. I just enjoy the music. I like the community,
like you said. So, but like I said, I can't
have that, you know, I can't have that every day.
Speaker 1 (43:32):
So yeah, yeah, it's hard to have that every day.
I'm trying, you know. I see people sometimes you have
a version of that every day, and I'm like, and
I'm like, I want to have something like that every day.
Speaker 2 (43:50):
You know.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
There's a weird thing where you want every day to
be exciting, but it's just and maybe it can be.
Maybe it can be. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (44:02):
Yeah, and you know, not every day has to be.
But you know, like when like five six years go
by and you realize you haven't done like fun shit
with your life, it's kind of like down, like times
passing me by, like I'm already like twenty six, you know,
and like I just feel like I'm stuck, like you.
Speaker 1 (44:19):
Know, like I don't know, I was thinking about this
today because I was I was saying about you, like
you know, I have this weird thing of like I
always want life to be exciting when I don't know
how realistic it is for everyone. I was at the
dentist's office and the reception there was like a sitting
(44:45):
and there's like a really tight, close dentist office, and
the receptionist was like talking to the other people in
the like waiting around, and she was like and one
of the guys was like, Yo, how old do you
think I am? And she was like, m I think
(45:05):
you're thirty. And he's like, I'm younger than that. And
she's like, what's your birthday? And he's like, uh, I
forget what month he said, but she was like, oh,
you're a Capricorn. It means you're the quiet type. And
I was just sitting there and I don't know. I
was just watching these two people talk and I was like,
(45:27):
I'm gonna try. I was trans I was like, I'm
waiting in line at the dentist office. I'm doing something
objectively boring, and yet here's this like just little moment
of connection that I'm witnessing because I'm like present for
whatever I'm doing, and I'm like, oh, I feel in
(45:51):
this moment is like because I'm present and I'm like
looking for it. Like I'm like, I'm like, oh, in
any given moment of anything, you can find you can
observe something to be like, that's fucking psychedelic. That's interesting,
(46:13):
you know.
Speaker 4 (46:14):
Like not necessarily happening to you yourself, just kind of
witnessing it.
Speaker 1 (46:19):
Yeah, yeah, okay, you know, I mean even with your
when you're even when you're taking care of your kid, right,
you have the opportunity to just look at look, just
stare at him.
Speaker 4 (46:30):
Yeah, oh I.
Speaker 1 (46:31):
Just be like, oh my god, I created this or
like you know, I mean it's four you know, you
can you can just sit there and observe his movements,
look at his eyes and why is he walking that way?
Why is he saying that? It's like it's like if
it's like if like you have like an active dog,
you could just stare at a dog for an hour
(46:55):
or basically, this is what I'm describing. It's the life
equip vo of forgetting your phone in the bathroom. So
you start reading a shampoo bottle. Okay, you know you
know what I'm saying. Yeah, so you know, yeah, I've
done that, so you know, sometimes I'm reading the back
of the shampoo bottle, and I'm like, you know, zynthanol.
(47:18):
That's interesting is that how much of that is lethal
in one dose? You know, the universe can be interesting
even and it's not interesting moments. But you say life
is passing you by. What is it that you want
to do that's passing you by?
Speaker 4 (47:36):
I feel like I want to put myself out there
more like I don't know. I I struggle a lot
with anxiety. I have a panic disorder. So it's just
hard for me to kind of be in public, be
able to get out of the car and actually go
into the store and not walk out, you know, empty handed,
(47:58):
because too much, you know. So I'm working on that.
I'm working on actually being being able to do things
without having a gut feeling that it's wrong.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
What you what have you been doing that you have
a gut feeling is wrong?
Speaker 4 (48:21):
I don't know, Just like being in public, I just
I just I just hate like even driving, Like I
just feel like everybody's staring at me, like you know,
Like I don't know, like I just hate. I just
feel like every like I'm being perceived and I just
hate that, huh. Like I just I just don't want to, like,
(48:44):
I don't know, like you know, I'm not a noticeable
person at all. I'm small, like you know, I'm small,
like I don't know, probably look like ninety percent of
the population here in New Mexico. So like, I don't know,
I don't bring much attention to myself. But I feel like,
you know, as if I were wearing a bright kneon costume,
you know, and everybody's staring at me and looking at
(49:06):
me weird, and I feel like, you know, I whispering
things about me when they're obviously the people don't care.
Speaker 2 (49:13):
You know.
Speaker 1 (49:14):
Yeah, yeah, it sounds it sounds like an extreme amount
of like self consciousness.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
Yeah, so you did.
Speaker 1 (49:21):
You're you're trying therapyre for the third time. What did
your real therapists say about this?
Speaker 4 (49:29):
Well, she just says that I've been in such a
state of mind that I am just I'm just looking
for things to validate like my feeling like my my
you know, the feelings of of people being against me,
of people watching me and stuff. I just like, I'm
just in the habit of looking, you know, I'm looking
(49:49):
for things to to be the way that I'm wanting
them to be. Instead of just taking things as they are.
So I'm just practicing on getting out of the habit
and I homework of like you know, telling myself that,
you know, like this isn't like this isn't me, Like
it's you know, my therapist tells me to like tell
myself like this isn't who I am, Like this is
(50:11):
you know, like a sorry. I do therapy and sadness.
So it's hard for me to translate into in English,
but essentially saying that, you know, I have like kind
of like an injury to my to my to myself,
but I've been kind of been a way injured and
(50:32):
that it's just the product of that hurt. It's not
like me, it's just like a symptom of it. And
so because I don't know, I've just felt that way
for so long and it's just kind of like it's
kind of like how I identify myself. I guess, like
how I ye see myself as a person at this point.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a fucking that's a dangerous,
a weird thing, man. Yeah yeah, yeah. You're like you
can you can like you can really ugh, you know what,
you know, what is one of the most fucking annoying
like contradictions of navigating mental health, like just personally is
(51:16):
there's the weird this, this is fucking contradiction of like, Okay,
in order to address an issue, you have to admit
that you have it, right, But by admitting you have it,
do you then feed into this narrative of.
Speaker 2 (51:38):
Yourself this is who I am?
Speaker 4 (51:40):
Yeah? See, And so like I went, I went so
many years with just like trying to like deal with
it on my own that I just I guess that
was my way to cope with it. And now, you know,
I take little tones in people's voices and I'm like, yeah,
like that person's mad at me, that person doing this,
you know, And I'm just trying to validate what I'm
(52:02):
thinking when it's not there. And so it's kind of
like this fake reality you know that I'm living because
it's not what's happening. And I know, so it's just
it's it's also you know, like you said, you have
to recognize it, and yeah, I recognize it, but I'm like,
this is fucked up. Like now I know that it's
fucked up, you know.
Speaker 1 (52:22):
M Yeah, I think there's there's like there's definitely something
optimal to like recognize it, right, because there's a thing
I'm not saying, you know, I'm not here to I'm
not going to diagnose anyone. I'm just saying about myself, right,
like I like myself, for example. Just for me to
be like, I'm mentally ill, you know, is a weird
(52:46):
thing because if I say to myself I'm mentally ill,
or I have or like I have clinical depression, I'm
a depressed guy, then I like feared to feed into
this like narrative of like I'm a label of something,
you know, which I don't, which I don't like. But
then on the other hand, I found it to be
(53:08):
helpful to be like, oh shit, I'm mentally ill. That's
why I do these things. They don't necessarily they don't.
I'm mentally ill, That's why I do these things. You
find a way you do things, And then you know,
what is cool is because we understand that our perceptions
of the planet are like how we fucking experience it's
(53:29):
necessarily reality, you know. So I'm like, oh, the actual
reality that I'm living in is so different from the
universe I have in my head because I'm mentally ill.
And that's and that and that's really that's helpful information
(53:51):
to have, I think, but you don't. That's helpful information
to have, but you gotta I think it's also important
to you can kind of both think this can be
true at the same time. It's helpful information to have.
But then there's gotta be at some point where you're like,
all right, I'm not gonna you know, I'm mentally ill.
That's why I'm feeling this way. So let's you know,
(54:14):
try to mitigate it, manage it, actively work towards it.
That's kind of like we're talking about like cognitive behavioral therapy,
which is just like this which I'm gonna start talking about.
I've never read a book about it, or even I've
never even read an article about it. I was I
just started thinking about it from the you know, I
read like a paragraph or something. I was like, basically,
(54:35):
it's just like it's just reframing your brain how you
think about things. I thought it was stupid. Actually, I
really did. I've been in so many situations where I
you where if you told me that the issue was
my own perspective, I would tell you to go fuck yourself.
(54:59):
I really yeah, But you know, I look back and
I look forward. Now I'm like a lot of it,
you know, is I mean, you know, again, for you
it's like you live in this world where everyone's out
to get you and everyone you know feels a certain
way about you, but it's just not it's just not
true of the actual world you live in, you know.
Speaker 4 (55:23):
Yeah, And you know, I'm able to like discuss these
things with like my sister and like my parents, Like
I talk to them about it, and it's and I feel, like,
you know, before I started dealing with like my mental stuff,
like my family was so close off to it, like
and now I'm able to openly tell my mom, like, hey,
like feeling a little anxious right now, and like, you know,
I'm able to like communicate and recognize the feeling of it.
(55:46):
So like it's definitely I've come a long way, I
would say, but it's definitely not enough, because like I know,
I'm still dealing with a lot of things, and especially
now with my son, you know, he's almost he's almost five,
and I do not have patience. Get I have the
worst patience ever, and it's you know, and so like
(56:09):
that's something I'm learning for him as well, because I
don't know. I just feel like, you know, because of
my issue is it's not anfair that I take it
out of my son and stuff, and so like, I
you know, it's I'm very aware that, you know, I could,
you know, I'm in charge of my son's childhood and
his feelings for the rest of his life, and so
(56:29):
like it's very scary to like not being able to
like regulate your own emotions to like trying to teach
that to like your.
Speaker 2 (56:38):
Child, you know.
Speaker 4 (56:40):
Yeah, And so it's like we're learning. It's like, you know,
I'm literally learning with him. And it's like he's five
and I'm twenty five, and it's it's crazy that I'm like,
you know, like and I'm starting therapy now that he's
for so I'm like, you know, I've been a mom
for like four and a half years, and it's just
really scary to think that, like I've gone on so
(57:00):
long without help and and I'm starting to realize, you know,
like not that I'm exactly like affecting my son's childhood,
but like you know, like I can and that's I could,
you know, And that's scary. That's really scary, you know,
and like having you know, like making your child feel
(57:23):
things that you felt when you were a child, Like
that's something that I wouldn't want for him, and so
like I'm that's that's really what's in the back of
my head at twenty four to seven at the end
of the day, like there you know my son.
Speaker 1 (57:37):
Yeah, but I but I I commend you, Michaela, because you're, ah,
you know, you're getting help, You're trying to do this.
Speaker 4 (57:51):
Yeah, I'm trying.
Speaker 2 (57:53):
So yeah, yeah, I.
Speaker 1 (57:54):
Know, yeah, I know, you mean, I know how that can. Yeah,
I fear, but I think you know, we talked to
train guy about this a little bit, I think, and
you know, we've I mean, we have had a lot
of people who have kids talk talk on the show
about you know, being afraid that they're going to fuck
him up. Even even people who aren't, you know, who
(58:15):
haven't experienced some kind of like uh, you know, mental
health crisis or whatnot, get worried that they're gonna like
fuck fuck things up. But I think I think at
(58:35):
the end of the day, uh, as long as you try, right,
I mean, look look at your you know, look at
his dad. He's not even trying.
Speaker 4 (58:48):
He's not even there, right, Yeah, So like I don't
have a choice, you know. And it's not that I
love my kids, but you know, like sometimes you're human,
you know, and it's I don't know, it's tough. So
I'm just I'm always thankful for the hope I have
and yeah, because yeah, I mean I've gone through a
(59:11):
lot of mental shit when my son was younger, and
I'm just glad he was as little as he was
so that he wouldn't you know, have to remember or
see things. But like he's he's starting to make memories
and it's starting to like, you know, form connections. So
like it's it's important for me to like, not I
(59:32):
haven't seen me in the state that I was before.
Speaker 1 (59:36):
Oh yeah, yeah, but you know, I just uh well,
I mean listen, before we go, just give yourself at
give yourself a little bit of compassion here, right, you know,
recognize that you're trying. This is another perspective thing, you know,
(59:58):
because right because you're living in a world, because you're
kind of living in a world where your narrative is
I have all these issues and they're gonna manifest and
I'm gonna fuck up my kid with my own issues
(01:00:18):
and stuff, and you know, yeah, that's that's that's one
of infinite narratives that you could feed. But there's more helpful, yeah, more,
you know, logically more even even more objectively true narratives
(01:00:42):
that exists that you couldn't even refute. Where you're like, Okay,
well I tried to have a life with this guy
or I don't know what the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy war.
But where you're like, I try to have a life
with this guy and then he ran out and I'm
(01:01:03):
staying and I'm recognizing that I'm fucked up, and I'm
trying to get help, and I'm trying to be a
good mom, uh as best as I realistically can with
the limited time and energy that I have, as you know,
a human being, and I'm I'm trying my best, and
(01:01:30):
I'm I go to bed each night satisfied that I
at least gave a give a shot. And that's good.
So you know, you look, you can feed that wolf
in your brain. So so so if if there's a
(01:01:50):
if you walk away from this conversation with anything, I
hope it's that you choose to feed a different narrative
about yourself and this situation rather than the one that
scares you because you don't have to feed the scary narrative. God,
(01:02:14):
I swear on my life doing this podcast is just uh,
or are you talking to you right now? I'm just
I'm I'm I'm really just talking to myself. I'm really
just talking to myself.
Speaker 2 (01:02:28):
So yeah, no, I mean thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (01:02:30):
I've I've had it in my chest for a long time.
I've wanted to talk to you and get a different
point of view.
Speaker 2 (01:02:39):
So thank you.
Speaker 4 (01:02:39):
I really really appreciate your time.
Speaker 1 (01:02:42):
Absolutely. Is there anything else you want to say to
the people of the computer before we go?
Speaker 4 (01:02:46):
Nope, I'm glad I got to talk to you.
Speaker 1 (01:02:48):
Thank you, Thank you, Mikayla. You have a the rest
of the.
Speaker 4 (01:02:50):
Night, you too, Thank you, Gode.
Speaker 1 (01:02:55):
That was Mikayla. That was some That that was some real.
That was the most most real therapy I've done in
so long. I was in the mood. I just was
it was like, I don't know, it was just what
I was already thinking about today, and I have energy.
I'm back in my actual Gecko studio. I drank a
(01:03:15):
coffee before this, so I'm I'm feeling I'm feeling gecked. Up.
Thank you for sharing. MICHAELA.
Speaker 2 (01:03:30):
Hello, Yo, what's up? What's up?
Speaker 1 (01:03:35):
What's your name?
Speaker 2 (01:03:37):
My name is Christian.
Speaker 1 (01:03:39):
What's going on? Christian? How can I get you today?
Speaker 2 (01:03:43):
Yes, hello, Lyle. I would like to talk to you
today about my trip to New York and I was
looking for you in the park and ended up getting
to a random side quest.
Speaker 1 (01:03:57):
Yeah, what was the side quest?
Speaker 2 (01:04:01):
So? I went to New York like last month, and
I was walking around Washington Square Park by myself, and
I was looking for you, and I was asking a
bunch of people like, oh, have you seen the therapy gecko?
Have you seen the therapy gecko? And everyone was like no, no,
(01:04:22):
I haven't seen the therapy gecko. And then I asked
this guy that was selling weed if he's seen the
therapy gecko and he was like nah. Oh. He was
like yeah, yeah I do. I do see him during
the weirdo hours, which I guess is six to ten
o'clock according to the weed name there at the park. Yeah. Yeah.
(01:04:43):
And then some random guy was like, oh, I think
you're the therapy gecko. So I was like, what do
you need? Do you think I'm the therapy get So
then I sat down with him, and I rolled up
a Dutch with from Zaza in it, and at first
he didn't want to hit it because I guess New
York has a flavored tobacco band, so everyone just rolls
(01:05:06):
a bunch of joints, which is kind of wag, but whatever.
And then yeah, we ended up smoking. And then it
was me, him and like a group of five strangers
and we just got into a great conversation. They're asking
me about what I did in New York. So then
I went shopping. I saw this guy, James that makes
(01:05:27):
custom leather belts on the side of the road, and
one of the people there also happened to have one
of those belts. And then we all smoked together and
just enjoy the good sash talking about the Therapy Gecko
and it was like the Therapy Get Go, but with
random people in the park, Like we were just all
talking about random shit.
Speaker 1 (01:05:48):
Yeah I did. That's awesome. I'm so, I'm so that's cool.
I'm glad that you can go to the park and
talk to a random guy and he's like, yo, that
I've seen that fucking uh cryptid. Yeah, dude, that park
is cool. It's always filled with like, yeah, six to
ten is definitely weird. Oh hours. It's it's filled with
(01:06:09):
like random ass shit. I was there last night. I
go there and I go there almost every day. I
go there all the time when I'm not in the costume.
I just love existing there. It's just so I.
Speaker 2 (01:06:20):
Was looking for you, man, I was looking for you.
I've been a long time fan. Hmm.
Speaker 1 (01:06:27):
I'm glad I could send you on a side. Yeah,
that's a perfect place if you want to like get
into a weird thing where you're smoking weed with a
stranger that you are like I, in no other situation
in my life would be hanging out with this person.
That's where. That's one of the places you can go
in the world to do that.
Speaker 2 (01:06:44):
I honestly think wash is like it's like a bar
for people that smoked ha ha.
Speaker 1 (01:06:51):
I love that. Oh man. It is kind of like
a kind of like a bar for people that smoke weed. Yeah,
you know, I took Yeah, I took a friend. I
took a friend to Washington Square last night and he
saw that there's all these tables of people smoking weed
and he was like, is this legal? And I was like,
(01:07:13):
who cares, It's Washington Square Park. You know, do whatever
you want, live your life. He gives a shit. Yeah,
I still don't.
Speaker 2 (01:07:22):
It was very odd to me.
Speaker 1 (01:07:23):
I still don't know if it's legal.
Speaker 2 (01:07:28):
I think it's I mean, it's got to be treating.
So I live in Browd County, Florida, which is like
Port Lauderdale type area, and it's not legal here. So
I have like a medical marijuana card so that, you know,
I could do what I do without getting fucked with.
And I remember I have a buddy that goes to
NYU over there, so I kind of go there like
(01:07:48):
a few times a year to visit and see my boy.
And I remember walking around after rolling up and he
was like, oh, spark it. But there was like a
cop right next to us, and I was like, you know,
being all scared, and I just remember sparking it right
next to the cop, and it was like, it's such
just a real experience, like being able to just walk
(01:08:08):
past a police officer smelling like an absolute pound and
they just don't give a fuck.
Speaker 1 (01:08:14):
It's funny. It's it's dude, It's really crazy, uh, being
in places where it's like if you smoke weed, you're
you go to jail for twenty years, right, Like it's
that fucking illegal versus in the States where yeah, you
can just blow smoke in a CoP's face and well
(01:08:35):
if you did that, they'd probably care.
Speaker 2 (01:08:38):
But well not here in Florida, because I mean I've
been pulled over. Like, I'm a car guy, so my
car is like kind of low and it just it
looks a little bit different than like your average car.
So I guess sometimes I'm like targeted, I guess you
could say. And I'm always super, super super nervous about
(01:09:02):
the smell of my car, even though I have all
the legal you know, like ship that you are supposed
to have.
Speaker 1 (01:09:08):
Well, well you're not allowed to smoke weed and drive.
Oh you're not in no state are you or will
you ever in history be allowed to smoke weed and drive.
You know what's so fun? I haven't driven a car,
and well, man, I used to get high and drive
(01:09:30):
my car all the time. You really shouldn't do that.
Speaker 2 (01:09:34):
But no, no, no, no, let me I have.
Speaker 1 (01:09:38):
I have.
Speaker 2 (01:09:39):
I will honestly tell people the exact opposite.
Speaker 1 (01:09:44):
Shut up, here's what that's it's that you're wrong. I
won't hear your argument. I do it. I do it,
and I'm I will, I will. It's like, it's like
the way I feel about smoking weed and driving is
the way I feel about like eating meat. It's like,
I think it's objectively wrong, and I do it anyway
(01:10:07):
because it's really it's awesome. But I'm not gonna pretend
it's not. It's an objectively bad thing. It's an objectively
bad thing to get high and drive.
Speaker 2 (01:10:23):
Well. Do you ever feel like you smoke and then
or not? Do you ever feel like when you're doing
something that you do every day with being sobered, do
you ever feel like you brush through it and you're
just moving too quickly?
Speaker 1 (01:10:42):
I don't. I'm not, I'm not. I'm not following that.
I mean, I know, I know the logic you're trying
to present, but I think it's I think it's wrong.
Speaker 2 (01:10:51):
No, I think I think.
Speaker 1 (01:10:55):
It's fun though that likes to drive that.
Speaker 2 (01:10:57):
And I tell you, what if I.
Speaker 1 (01:10:58):
Do you drive drive? Do you do you get do
you get high and drive fast?
Speaker 2 (01:11:05):
No, it's the opposite. I normally drive fast when I'm
sober because I'm just like, I'm just like, oh, like
it's number one. It's kind of fun. I have a
heavy foot and I just don't have any patience. You know,
everyone's driving slow and they're creating these walls on the highway,
and you know, I just got places to be. But
when I'm off the zall like I really don't care,
(01:11:26):
Like if you know, if I'm doing five twenty under
the speed limit, it really doesn't matter. Like the music
is hitting the wind is you know, is winding, and
I don't feel like I have to press the gas
as much because I'm off the gas.
Speaker 1 (01:11:48):
That was a good quit. That was a good quit.
What's your name again?
Speaker 2 (01:11:54):
My name it's Christian?
Speaker 1 (01:11:57):
Hmm, Christians? There anything else want to say to the
people of the computer before we go.
Speaker 2 (01:12:11):
Don't drink and drive, Okay, yeah, don't drink and drive,
but maybe maybe, you know, maybe it's okay to do
some other things. I'll drive if if your body allows
you to everybody different. I could never drink and drive.
Speaker 1 (01:12:26):
I you ever you ever get? You ever get? You
ever get drunk and then like sleep in your car.
Speaker 2 (01:12:32):
I never get drunk ever, Like I mean I might
get like like I've never been like really really drunk.
I'm not good with alcohol. I'm kind of skinny every
time if I take a shot it's within those five
minutes of after taking those shot, I'm gonna throw up.
It's guarantee.
Speaker 1 (01:12:58):
Thank you for calling Chris.
Speaker 2 (01:13:00):
All right, Gey, take it easy, love the show.
Speaker 1 (01:13:02):
Thank you, brother, appreciate it. You have the rest of
the night, get too. That was Chris. That was the
Therapy Gecko podcast. What an episode today. We had three
good calls. We talked to the truck gentlemen. We talked
to the lady about a feeling like the world is
(01:13:26):
against her. We talked about the park and weed. I
feel good about this episode. This had everything in it.
This head had this had emotion, had stories. This was
a good episode of the podcast. This felt like a
like a quintessential standard day at the Therapy Get Headquarters.
(01:13:53):
Thanks for joining me on this. Oh yes, if you
live in Edmundton, Canada. If you live in Edmonton, Canada,
I am doing a show at Mayswan University November sixth. Also,
(01:14:13):
also if you're still listening, if you're listening right now,
if you would see me live to do a show
in twenty twenty six, comment below on YouTube or Spotify
and let me know if you would come see a
show and where you live. It's helpful information for me anyway,
(01:14:41):
thank you all for joining Get bless see you guys
around the universe again.
Speaker 2 (01:14:48):
Goes on the Live taking your phone calls every night. Ever,
Acon goes.
Speaker 1 (01:14:53):
To I'm teaching you Cloud.
Speaker 2 (01:14:55):
In the interview, Lived is
Speaker 1 (01:14:57):
Not really an expert.
Hello, Hey, what's up?
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Man? Hey, what's going on? Just the gick it is?
Speaker 1 (00:04):
What's your name?
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Uh? You can call me the Nasty Butler.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
The Nasty Butler? I like that. How did you come
up with the Nasty Butler?
Speaker 2 (00:15):
It's a CB handle I got from a movie.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
It's a CD handle. Oh, so like it's the uh
wait what does that mean? A CD handle from a movie? Like?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Uh? CB is the radio that like truck drivers use
to communicate with other truck drivers. Oh, A handle is
a nickname.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Right, because on the road you all have secret identities.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
That's right. Interesting, your identity is the Nasty butlert thumb
Wars some wars.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
What is thumb Wars?
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Some words? It's a parody of Star Wars made from
thumbs with faces on it. From the guy that made
Jimmy Neutron funny movie.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Now, I don't know what your real name is. But
when you're yourself, just in your house, you're not on
the road, do you feel a historic difference between you
as whoever you really are and you and you are
the Nasty Butler?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Yeah? Totally. Man, it's a pretty surreal sometimes. I mean
it's kind of like I'm sure you'd had a job before.
You know, you're kind of a different person when you're
at your job and then you go home and you're
just yourself.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
How would you describe the difference between you and the
nasty Butler?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Damn, that's a good question. Uh, I don't know. I think, uh,
as a truck driver, I'm a little bit more well,
as a working man, I'm a little bit more detail oriented.
And you know, when you're at home, you're just kind
of like Lase Fair, relaxed, don't give a fuck, you know.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Yeah, what is it you wanted to talk about today,
Nasty Butler?
Speaker 2 (02:25):
I don't know. I did text you that.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
You know, recently, my fiance broke up with me like
four months ago. We were together for like nine years,
and so now I'm just living in the truck, trying
to figure out what I'm gonna do next, and looking
at like some apartments and I kind of realized, like
I could live anywhere in the world, well in the
(02:49):
United States at this point, but you know, before I
was kind of tied to where I lived. Before, you know,
I had a dog, girlfriend, house life and all that.
And now I feel like year in a way, but
still kind of down that I don't have my fiance anymore,
But yeah, I could live anywhere, you know, looking at cars. Yeah,
(03:14):
that's kind of cool.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
That's an interesting balance, that freedom versus the great It's
like a freedom versus grief almost.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to like convert my grief into
a positive by like, Okay, now I can kind of
figure out what's next and the posibility to kind of
opened up.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
So let's talk about this. While you were in that relationship,
did you have any sense of festering within you that
you wanted two be free and go places and do
things if only you were not tied to where you were,
(04:04):
you know.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Sort of? But she also had that desire, so it
was always kind of like, oh, let's like walk across
the country, or like let's go Stelts Camping three hours
away and then you know, let's travel somewhere. Let's live
in a van together. It was always kind of like
we both have the same idea of not wanting to
(04:27):
stay put and like experience new things. But now, but before,
it was kind of like, you know, we had to
do it together. You know, it was like we needed
permission from each other to kind of do these things,
but now it's all up to me, and so that's
(04:48):
kind of where I feel more free and now than
I did.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
That makes sense, Yes, yes, was she the holdout?
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (05:01):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Yeah sort of because she was always like, oh, I
have family here, you know that, like she takes care
of her family, and so it's like, you know, we
can't travel for like a month or two because there
was always like obligations and rent, you know, for example.
(05:24):
And for me it was always like like I don't
really care, like we could not pay rent, we could
lose the house. It's fine, Like let's just go live
life and do something interesting. You know.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
What's so funny is my friend I was I was
in the car once with my friends and his girlfriend
and my friend was like said to his girlfriend, if
you broke up with me, I would be living in
this car tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah. Yeah, that's a pretty real and you could definitely
do it. It's really easy to live in a vehicle.
Like right now, I'm living in this truck. I don't
have many things, which is nice. So like everything that
I had at my house fits in this truck, like
(06:17):
clothes and a laptop, and it's fine.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Are you a little bit more into roughing it than
she is.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
You know, I I think I'm no, no, I think
we're pretty equal on roughing it and like minimalist lifestyle.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Can I ask only if you want to talk about it,
like why did the relationship end?
Speaker 2 (06:46):
You know, I never got a straight answer. For the
most part. She was pretty much like she drove me
to the truck one day and I was like, hey,
you know, we need to like work on some things
and like be more present and stuff like that. I
was like, okay, cool, Like I can definitely work on that.
(07:09):
Like I realized that it's hard because I'm on the
road for a week to two weeks at a time,
then come home for three days and then go back out,
so it's kind of hard to be present. But I
was like, yeah, you know, I'll work on these things.
And then two days later she texts me and it's like, yeah,
you know, we're going to break up. Like damn, that sucks.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
It was over text. Yeah you're with this woman for
nine years. Yeah have you heard from her since?
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Yeah? She you know, we kind of agreed to stay friends.
So like she'll call like at least once a week
and you know, just chat. But it's kind of cordial.
It's fine, just well, at least they'll trying to get
over it. Mostly got over it. But it seems like
she got over it right away. You know. It seemed
(08:04):
like she was kind of planning her out. It felt
like she was planning her out for like maybe months
before she actually broke up with me.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
How do you feel.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
I'm okay, Okay, it's just weird. It's weird to be
where I'm at right now because I was in a
place for nine years emotionally, you know, and now it's
just different. So I'm trying to like figure out my
life again, you know.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Yeah, you're somewhere new. Now, how old are you?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Three?
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Okay, so you spent this is actually like I don't know.
This is interesting to me, your predicament because you've spent
your entire twenties in one Yeah, you're right, one particular
like emotional mindset. And now you're like, oh shit, all right,
(09:06):
I can do whatever.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Now.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Thirty is the new twenty. You ever heard that?
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah? Yeah, I guess it is. Yeah. So yeah, so
I'm looking at apartments, but I don't even know if
I want to live in an apartment, you know, I
don't want to be tied to a particular location per se.
I don't even know where I would want to go.
(09:33):
I know, I don't really want to live where I
lived before. Kind of want to experience like other places.
But I feel like if I buy a van and
you know, live out of that while I'm not driving
the truck, then I can still travel around a little
bit and figure out where I want to be.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
M what places are in your docket?
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Thinking Texas maybe, so I live in the I've lived
most of my life in the Northeast, so I kind
of want to check out like that Texas, Florida, Georgia.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Maybe, yeah, you should do it. I mean, so it's
been four while Eve been living in the truck for
four months? Yeah, have you been driving it around.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
As Yeah? Like, uh, you know for work. You know,
I work seventy hours a week as a truck driver,
so driving from place to place. They don't let me
like take the truck when I'm not doing work things
to go places. So like right now I'm just at
a truck stop for my break and for sleep.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
And does the company know that you're living in your
work truck?
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah? So they were like, oh, when do you want
home time? And I was like, you know what, just
said it for July of twenty twenty six because I
don't have anywhere to go. So they're like, okay, bye.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
M life is a truck driver is kind of kind
of crazy. I mean, are you're working seven you're on
the road, just driving for seventy hours a week?
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Yep?
Speaker 1 (11:21):
What do you do during that time?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Listen to therapey Gecko podcasts, other podcasts, music called Friends.
A lot of times it don't pick up because other
people are not spending seventy hours sitting right.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
It's funny, man. You know, I feel like I don't
get to think that often about like this podcast out
in the universe, but I'm I'm feel I feel kind
of honored to be in your truck.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Cool man. Yeah. Yeah, every time you post on it,
I listened to it. I really like the uh they
that way? Yeah? You already?
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Do you get lonely on the road?
Speaker 2 (12:18):
You know, for like spurts for like minutes, I'll be like, man,
I wish somebody was here, and then I just kind
of get over it. I've always kind of been a
solo kind of person.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
How long have you been doing that?
Speaker 2 (12:33):
For driving truck. Yea two years.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
What would you do before that?
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Just general like warehouse, labor, work, restaurants, stuff like that.
I can too serious.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
M hm hmm. So when you get time off to
go on your adventures.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
When do I Yeah, so I can pretty much ask
them like whenever. So after seventy hours, you get thirty
four hour break. So because I don't have a car
right now, I can't really do that. So I'm just
at truck stops for thirty four hours. But as soon
(13:28):
as I get a car and figure out where I
want to put that car so that I could park
the truck next to it, and then I will be
going on mini adventures.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Was the amount of time you were spending on the road, uh,
harmful to your relationship?
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Yeah? I think it definitely was. And you know, it
was something that my girlfriend never said that was an issue,
and I would always apologize for it, and she's like, oh,
it's fine, like you know, making money for us, like
we're trying to build the lights. And I was like, yeah,
but you know, it kind of sucks. But I definitely
feel like that was a huge cause of the breakout
(14:10):
because I'm not around. Oh you want to know something
cool too.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Yeah, she uh, she got a boyfriend like two days
after we broke up. Oh wow, Yeah, so I kind
of think that was in the works while I've been
on the road.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Yeah, just a just a theory.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
But bro, you're like a you're like a military husband.
Yeah right, yeah, really you're that's kind of You're like
the deal is she's like away, like you're away for
such a long periods of time.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Is it good money?
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Yeah, it's pretty good money, Like eighteen hundred a week.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
And you want to walk across the country.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
I would. I would totally walk across the country. When
I was leaving high school. My plan was to walk
from the northeast to the south, like camp along the
way and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
It's cool.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Yeah, I think that would be pretty fun.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Is that on your plan? Is that on your list
of things to do now that you have your freedom?
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Well? I think I would not be able to be
a truck driver, considering the time is so demanding, Like
I would only get three days off before I have
to get back from the truck. It was I can't
walk that fast.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
So when would you When would you do? Because you're
telling me about like all these like grand adventures. I
guess that you want to go on, right, And you
seem like and listen, you're not a You're not a
fancy pants You're like, well what you're what your you know?
Your ex was like, what do we do about rent?
You're like, we just want to pay it. Yeah, you're like,
(16:12):
we just say what I always won't pay rent?
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Don't pay it?
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Yeah. So so I think the.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Plan is to save up a bunch of money so
that I have a good amount saved so that I
can do grand adventures, and then when I come out
of the adventure have a bunch of money to use
just in case I can't get back to work right away.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
How much do you think you need before you go?
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Hmm, that's a good question, I would say. I mean
I don't spend a lot, so I mean even five
to ten thousand would probably be comfortable. Mm hmm. Give
me like a month or two of looking for a
job and somewhere to live. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Yeah, you guys didn't have kids together, did you.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
No, we had a dog that I missed terribly. Yeah,
it's fine. Hm.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Hm.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
You were just in Iraq, right, I was?
Speaker 1 (17:33):
I was in Iraq. I was that it was interesting.
It was really enlightening as to the difference between like
governments and the people that actually live in the place.
But I want to know more about you, Okay, I
want to know more about you, unless if you're unless
(17:55):
if you asked me that because you don't want to
talk about yourself.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
No, it's fine. I just felt like I was talking
too much and I wanted to I was curious about
your iracketment.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
That's very polite of you, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
M So.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Are you going to try to date again?
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Yeah? I'd like to at some point. Being a truck driver,
you don't get to like meet people or hang around
the same person for extended periods of time. They were
sitting in the truck, so they would have to already
be comfortable with me. So yeah, I mean for sure,
(18:43):
It's just kind of not really super important on my
mind right now. I just kind of want to save
money and figure out life before I try to bring
somebody else's life into my life.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Yeah. Have you ever had someone with you on the
road before? No?
Speaker 2 (19:07):
No, that would be cool, though, it would be interesting.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
What's up with the lot lizards?
Speaker 2 (19:17):
You know, I've never seen one, but I hear about them.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Oh, this is what I want to know. Hold on,
Nasty Butler. Nasty Butler. So that's your road. Do you
chat with other dudes on the radio?
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Yeah? So generally it's the radio. It's pretty silent until
you're in like a traffic jam and people are bored
or there's an accident. But a lot of times other
truck drivers and myself included, will like warn other truck
drivers like, oh, what lane is closed or you know,
stuff like that, And a lot of times you'll just
(19:58):
hear people talking.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
About that, people talking about dicks.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Yeah, they're just talking about penises all the time.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Why do they talk about penises all the time.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I don't know. I think they're just bored. You know.
I'll turn it on right now and if anybody said
something right, hear it over the zone.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Is your is your truck in motion?
Speaker 2 (20:25):
No? Now, I'm part at the stuff right now.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
So what do you do when you're just like alone
in the truck.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
I have my laptop and I like try to make
apps and web design and music and stuff.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
You try to make apps?
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Yeah, I made as an app that helps me like
organize the information I need to pick up orders from customers.
And it helps that. There's like a calculator that I
wrote for lighting so on the trailer. On the truck trailer,
(21:05):
the back tires they actually like slide forward and back
to help balance the weight. And then there's there's a
bunch of holes that a pin goes into to lock
it into place. So I wrote a calculator that kind
of calculates where that pin should go so that the
weight is legalized.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Did you Okay? So I've been working out of like
a coworking space that's very like there's a lot of
like tech people there. So I just learned of this
phrase that I'm gonna drop. Did you? Did you vibe
code it?
Speaker 2 (21:48):
A little bit of it was vibe coded? Yes, okay, yeah,
But I'm more of like a designer, so all of
that I did, but like the the math and the
logic for making the buttons and stuff work was vibe coded.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Isn't that a hilarious term? It mean? For those who
don't know, that means I mean that I mean you
you you actually make apps, So correct me if I'm wrong,
But that just means to like use AI to make
your app.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Right, Yeah, but it sounds like you're going off like
feeling like it's the vibe.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
That's what it means, right, is you're just like you
basically like type and type into like Chatchy pet some shit.
You're like, here's the vibe of an app I want
to make, and then it makes the app for you.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Right, That's that's the goal, that's the intention, But it
doesn't really work out if you just like you really
have to hold its hand to make it do what
you want it to do.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Are you hoping at any point to try to make
some money off of web design and apps?
Speaker 2 (22:55):
I did when I was like eighteen, but I'm I'm
not a salesman, and to really make money by yourself
with like apps and websites, you have to sell yourself
to potential customers, and I'm just not gonna have it,
so I kind of gave up on that. But it's
I've had some people come up to me and they're like, hey, man,
(23:17):
can you make my website? I'm like, yeah, sure, why not,
I'll do it for free whatever?
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Cool? Cool? Yeah, that must be a lot of fucking
work doing driving the truck for that long and then
stopping to make apps or a vibe code them.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
You know, it's My brain is like constantly moving when
I'm driving, and there's not much stimulation. So when I
get done driving, I'm it's really hard to just go
to sleep like I be doing something.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Yeah, of course you're nighttime revenge procrastination. They call it.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Nighttime revenge procrastination.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
So it's something like that. Maybe that's not the exact
order of the words, but it's something like that.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
It sounds about right. I like it.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Hmm, what's your name again?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
It makes some tunes, Nasty Butler.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Oh, what kind of music do you make in the truck?
Speaker 2 (24:17):
I make goth music. Goth music, Yeah, gothic electronic music.
Speaker 1 (24:24):
When I think gothic music, I think of like emo
kind of music.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
Definitely not emo music. I'd say emo is like more
like rock, sort of metal ish, but like with whiny vocals,
right yeah, and then goth is just like it's got
like a sad vibe, but it's not like whiny, like
woe with me. It's just like dark themes and distortion
(24:54):
and stuff like that, like spooky vibes.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
You make spooky music, spooky music, that's cool. Wait, give
me your name one more time. Nasty Butler, Nasty Butler.
I forgot you never gave me your real name.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Hm hmm. Could be my real name?
Speaker 1 (25:20):
No, I don't think it. I don't think it legally,
it could be your real name, that your I don't
think your parents named you. I don't think you can
legally name your baby nasty.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
Probably not, but you can probably get your name changed
to it.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Yeah, I still don't think you did that.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
M one. Now, mhmm.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Are you satisfied with this phone call? I feel like
I feel like there's maybe more that we could get into,
but you speak with a soft demeanor and appear from
my end to have shared all your at least desiring
(26:08):
to share in this moment. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Yeah, I mean pretty satisfied. I guess I didn't really Uh,
I didn't really expect you to call, To be honest,
I'm surprised to call.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
What are you gonna do? When are you gonna do
this big walk? I hope you do it. I hope
you find a way.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
I hope we get wanted to do for like twelve years,
so hopefully you know. I should actually make a date
and like plan for it to make sure I actually
do it.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
Yeah, yeah, it's important. That's one of that's one of
my biggest realizations is that if you have anything that
you possibly we could think of wanting to do, you
have to do it right fucking now. There's really never
a good time.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Ye I'll set it for like May next year. I
don't know what. It gives me a couple of months,
that's fine, May of next year.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Is there anything else you want to say to the
people of the computer before we go?
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Walk more? Take some walks? I liked that.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Thanks for calling, Nasty Butler. Call do me a fan. Okay, listen,
do this in May after you finish the walk or
I mean, it's fun. It's gonna take you a long
ass time. Okay, so maybe in a year, however long
it takes you to do it, give me a call
when you're done.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
All right, we'll do.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Thank you, Nasty Butler.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Thanks having going.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
I liked that guy. He had a nice demeanor. He
had a nice demeanor. He was very interesting. That was
me starting a sentence and then they're having to not
(28:20):
knowing how to finish it. I think he'll be Okay,
what an interesting life that is being a truck driver.
If I have to be completely you know, I'm gonna
be completely utterly honest right now. Talking to that caller
(28:41):
just now gave me a lot of perspective on my
own life. You know, I'm like, damn, this guy works
seventy hours a week driving a truck and he takes
it on the chin. You gotta give him some credit.
Makes you think about makes you think about being a
(29:03):
pussy for you know, whatever it is. Well, I'm not
going to project it makes me feel like being a
pussy for having a fake, funny gecko job, but in
a good way. And you know I have a lot
of respect for him. Okay, let's take another phone call. Hello, Hi, Hi, Yes,
(29:36):
this is the gek. What's your name? Oh?
Speaker 4 (29:38):
Hi, I don't even know if I should give out
my real name.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
That's okay, I'll call you Mickayla. I'm sorry I said
I'll call you Michayla. I just whipped that one up.
Speaker 4 (29:51):
Oh awesome, Okay, Hi, I'm Michayla.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
See, I feel like you know what I should start doing.
I've been saying this for so long. I should start
us just a sign all the you. By the way,
at any given time, you can change that name. That's
just the name you've been assigned. It's not part. It's
up to you. It's some people they don't they're not
good at coming up with fake names, so I'll assign
them a fake name.
Speaker 4 (30:15):
Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
I like it, thinks Mikaela.
Speaker 4 (30:19):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
I'm like, no, no, no, no, don't be. I promise
listen that so that you'll feel shaky for about one
hundred and twenty more seconds and then you won't. Then
everything will be fine. So what's going what's going on
with MICHAELA? What's happening?
Speaker 4 (30:37):
Jesus? I don't know. I've been wanting to talk to
you for a while, but honestly, like now, you put
me on the spot and I have no idea what
I'm wanted to talk about. I I texted you earlier,
I'm trying therapy for the third time in my life,
and so that's that's I'm giving that a try. I
(30:58):
don't know you want to go into that right away.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
You texted me and you said, I feel like a
literal asshole sometimes and I don't mean to and it's
ruining my life. Is that? Is this something you still
want to talk about?
Speaker 4 (31:16):
Uh? Yeah, I guess it all loops together. I guess.
So I don't know.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
I just.
Speaker 4 (31:25):
I don't know how to explain it.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Gag. I'm sorry, it's okay, take a time.
Speaker 4 (31:32):
It's just sometimes I just feel like everybody like does
things to like. I don't know, I just feel like
I villainize a lot of people in my life.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
You feel like everyone does things to piss you off.
Speaker 4 (31:49):
Yes, oh, necessarily to piss me off, but to just
make me feel bad, And it's just wrapping into the
whole time everything, and I just I just feel like
everyone's doing me and and I don't know, and you know,
and I like, I I just think of reasons to
make it make sense in my head of why they
(32:11):
would act a certain way towards me, you know, and
I like make myself believe it, and it's not the
case a lot of times, and so it makes me
react like a fucking asshole to people that aren't being
assholes to me. And I catch myself a lot of
the times, and it makes me feel like shit, you know,
And I don't know, and I don't I definitely don't
(32:35):
mean to. And maybe it's the way I react or
the way my tone in voice or something. I just
feel like I'm mean, I'm just feel like I'm a
mean person, you know.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
I mean, your tone of voice doesn't sound particularly mean.
I mean, granted we've been on a fairly cordial phone call. Yeah,
I've had that before. By the way, in my life,
I don't yeah, I don't have I haven't had anything
like that. I had a little bit of that when
(33:10):
I was younger. I yeah, I want to say, in
high school, not that every I want to say in
high school, I never felt like I don't think I
ever explicitly felt as though the world was against me
or a lot of people were against me. But I
(33:31):
felt at times in my life. Yeah, I remember in
high school feeling a lot of times of like a
little bit, yeah, actually a little bit that the world
was against me in some way, or that like people
were against me. Definitely that people didn't like me. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
And it's not.
Speaker 4 (33:51):
Even that I care to be liked, to be honest, like,
you know, it's easy to say I don't care, but
deep down you do. But I don't know, man, It's
just I don't know, like I really like, you know,
I I am a nice person, like, yeah, you know,
I will never go out of my way to be mean.
(34:13):
To somebody, you know, But it's just like I don't know,
just little things like I just catch on like certain
little tones, like change of voice, like certain expressions towards me,
and I just feel like, you know, like it's just
on purpose towards me make me feel bad, but it's not,
you know, and like I know it's not. But it's
(34:34):
hard to get out of thinking that way when I
don't know, I've thought about this for years and it's
just it's hard. It's a hard habit to kick.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
I guess, dude, I keep, I fucking keep forgetting that
so much of life is about perspective. I really really
really keep forgetting that. And yeah, that's yeah, And that's
the problem is you because right because you've you've developed
this mindset that the world is against you, and when
(35:08):
you feed that wolf of your in your brain like
we have, this is like I think this is what
like cognitive behavioral therapy is. And not that I've ever
I've also I've tried therapy a bunch. I've never had
like a long streak of time where I was like, oh,
(35:28):
I'm in therapy and this is awesome. I haven't found
the right one. I've found a lot of just shit ones.
Speaker 4 (35:39):
And you know, I don't think.
Speaker 3 (35:40):
It's such a case for me.
Speaker 4 (35:41):
I think I sound really great therapists. I have given
me a lot of ways to cope, you know, and
like like say five years ago, if I was like
in the middle of a panic attack, I wouldn't be
able to like think, you know, like, hey, this is happening,
like you need to breathe, you need to slow down.
And like now, like I feel like I'm in a
better state of where I'm able to a little bit
(36:04):
and not completely pull myself out of it, but you know,
to be able to like practice those tools that I've
been given throughout the years. And it's not that I've
had bad therapists. It's just that I think I've just
been a little bit scared to do the inner work.
And you know, I've tried the talking therapy, I've tried
EMDR and now I'm back again to just regular you know,
(36:29):
speaking therapy with with somebody, and yeah, I just hope
I'm able to keep going. And you know, I know
I'm you know, at first I started and then two
months in and I started feeling great, and I was like, oh,
you know, this is awesome, and then like now it's
like four months in and I'm like, yeah, this sucks,
(36:49):
just having to relieve a lot of things and a
lot of things are you know, coming up for me again,
and it's just a little hard for me to keep
my like interpersonal relationships. I struggle a lot, like co
workers and maintaining friendships, and it's just really lonely.
Speaker 1 (37:09):
Why do you think you struggle with maintaining friendships?
Speaker 4 (37:12):
Because I think people are out to get me, you know,
not necessarily, but I just feel like it's not genuine,
Like the friendship isn't genuine that I just feel like,
you know, people are just I feel like people aren't
genuinely interested in getting to know me and that they're
just kind of getting intel and you know, not for like.
Speaker 2 (37:34):
Genuine reason.
Speaker 1 (37:35):
Are you are you basing? What are you basing? Like
where where is this perspective coming from?
Speaker 2 (37:43):
What do you mean?
Speaker 4 (37:44):
I'd like to know that too? I don't know, Like.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
Wait wait wait wait, okay, so so so so okay.
So for example, right, like you're in a conversation with somebody,
what is it about? Like okay, so let's say you're
in a conversation with somebody and they're like asking you
a question, like they're like, MICHAELA, what'd you do today
in your brain? Do you go? Are you asking me
that to gain information about my day that you can
(38:08):
use against me later for your plot?
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Well it's not even about my day.
Speaker 4 (38:13):
But you know, like people are starting, like when I
first started getting like I switched. I have a history
of switching jobs because I just can't with full workers.
Like I don't know if I'm like I don't know
if I'm like being picked on, or if I just
like I said, I would just loop, you know, I
just rab it hole myself into it. But like people say,
(38:37):
I've had asked people ask I'm very reserved about it
what I share. So it's just hard for me to
even say this. But like I like with people would
ask me about my son, you know, like oh, why
why do you want to know.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
About my son?
Speaker 4 (38:49):
Like what's it to you?
Speaker 2 (38:50):
You know?
Speaker 4 (38:50):
But it's just coworkers, like you know, we see each
other every day, we have to talk and and you know,
and like I see, like it's so stupid, Like I
think of it and I'm like, it's so stupid to
think about it this way.
Speaker 2 (39:02):
But when it's happening.
Speaker 4 (39:03):
It's just like it just goes through my head. You know. Sorry,
I'm rambling. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
No no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no, I'm
just listening. How old is you? How old is your son?
Speaker 4 (39:17):
My son is for?
Speaker 1 (39:19):
How's he doing?
Speaker 2 (39:21):
He's great.
Speaker 4 (39:22):
Yeah, I have a lot of help. I struggle a lot.
I'm I'm not sayingle mom, but I have a lot
of help. I'm thankful for my village, you know. There.
I I struggled a lot, you know, with postpartum and
and just trying to kick things that happened when I
(39:44):
just a lot of traumatic things when I was pregnant.
And you know, my son is almost five and I'm
still kind of dealing with this stuff emotionally and so
like it's it's tough at times being a mom and
being a person and and knowing yourself that of being
a mom, and so it's just hard. I feel like
(40:04):
I don't have a social life because I don't have friends,
and I just like closed off work and home working home,
and I'm but he's great. I'm sorry, I drifted.
Speaker 1 (40:15):
All who do you have helping you?
Speaker 4 (40:19):
My parents?
Speaker 1 (40:23):
It's hard if you don't want to talk about it,
but I'm like, I'm just curious, like what happened to dad?
Speaker 4 (40:31):
Oh, he hasn't seen the baby since I was like
two months old. But it was just hard, you know,
like he was very abusive, emotionally abusive, and he like
took me to cour for like full custody when my
(40:53):
son was like two months old, so like I couldn't
even process, you know, like being a new mom because
I had to deal with a lot of like legal
stuff and it was just I don't know, he just
put a lot on me when he could have just
walked away and left it. And so yeah, so he's
not in the picture at all. I hope it stays
(41:14):
that way. I have all legal and physical rights. So
I yeah, that's that's my baby.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
How old are you if you don't mind me asking?
Speaker 4 (41:25):
I will be twenty six next month?
Speaker 1 (41:28):
Cool? Yeah, Well, like what can I ask? What state
you live in?
Speaker 4 (41:40):
I live in New Mexico.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
Okay, sorry, I'm not gathering intel to use against you.
I'm just like trying to I'm just painting a picture
in my head of like what your surroundings are and
your existences.
Speaker 4 (41:56):
There's literally nothing here. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
Well, Okay. The reason I well, there's a few the
reasons I asked you the questions I asked you is
because you sound like you're missing, uh, like a community.
You know, we you know, we talk about this a
lot on the show. You sound like you're missing a
community of some kind or like a space that you
can be in where there's other people that's not just
(42:22):
your home and your word. Yeah, but it's really fucking
hard for you because you have a kid.
Speaker 4 (42:28):
Too, right, Yeah, And like I said, like I have
a lot of help, and you know I'm not I'm
very respectful my parents time and stuff. So but you know,
there's a couple of times here and there where don't
let me, you know, will not let me, but you
know they'll don't watch don't watch them for me a
couple a couple of hours, and I'll I like to
(42:52):
I mean, I go out alone because like I said,
I don't have friends, but like I like to go
to raise, you know, So I'll go solo. I'll go solo.
I'm all go sober. You know, I'll have to drive
home at the end, I have to drive like an
hour thirty minutes to get there to where there usually
are to the big city, so I have to drive back.
But I mean I love it. It's like a little stake
(43:16):
for me, you know, Like I don't know, I like it.
Like I said, I don't go to be crazy during
two drugs. I just enjoy the music. I like the community,
like you said. So, but like I said, I can't
have that, you know, I can't have that every day.
Speaker 1 (43:32):
So yeah, yeah, it's hard to have that every day.
I'm trying, you know. I see people sometimes you have
a version of that every day, and I'm like, and
I'm like, I want to have something like that every day.
Speaker 2 (43:50):
You know.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
There's a weird thing where you want every day to
be exciting, but it's just and maybe it can be.
Maybe it can be. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (44:02):
Yeah, and you know, not every day has to be.
But you know, like when like five six years go
by and you realize you haven't done like fun shit
with your life, it's kind of like down, like times
passing me by, like I'm already like twenty six, you know,
and like I just feel like I'm stuck, like you.
Speaker 1 (44:19):
Know, like I don't know, I was thinking about this
today because I was I was saying about you, like
you know, I have this weird thing of like I
always want life to be exciting when I don't know
how realistic it is for everyone. I was at the
dentist's office and the reception there was like a sitting
(44:45):
and there's like a really tight, close dentist office, and
the receptionist was like talking to the other people in
the like waiting around, and she was like and one
of the guys was like, Yo, how old do you
think I am? And she was like, m I think
(45:05):
you're thirty. And he's like, I'm younger than that. And
she's like, what's your birthday? And he's like, uh, I
forget what month he said, but she was like, oh,
you're a Capricorn. It means you're the quiet type. And
I was just sitting there and I don't know. I
was just watching these two people talk and I was like,
(45:27):
I'm gonna try. I was trans I was like, I'm
waiting in line at the dentist office. I'm doing something
objectively boring, and yet here's this like just little moment
of connection that I'm witnessing because I'm like present for
whatever I'm doing, and I'm like, oh, I feel in
(45:51):
this moment is like because I'm present and I'm like
looking for it. Like I'm like, I'm like, oh, in
any given moment of anything, you can find you can
observe something to be like, that's fucking psychedelic. That's interesting,
(46:13):
you know.
Speaker 4 (46:14):
Like not necessarily happening to you yourself, just kind of
witnessing it.
Speaker 1 (46:19):
Yeah, yeah, okay, you know, I mean even with your
when you're even when you're taking care of your kid, right,
you have the opportunity to just look at look, just
stare at him.
Speaker 4 (46:30):
Yeah, oh I.
Speaker 1 (46:31):
Just be like, oh my god, I created this or
like you know, I mean it's four you know, you
can you can just sit there and observe his movements,
look at his eyes and why is he walking that way?
Why is he saying that? It's like it's like if
it's like if like you have like an active dog,
you could just stare at a dog for an hour
(46:55):
or basically, this is what I'm describing. It's the life
equip vo of forgetting your phone in the bathroom. So
you start reading a shampoo bottle. Okay, you know you
know what I'm saying. Yeah, so you know, yeah, I've
done that, so you know, sometimes I'm reading the back
of the shampoo bottle, and I'm like, you know, zynthanol.
(47:18):
That's interesting is that how much of that is lethal
in one dose? You know, the universe can be interesting
even and it's not interesting moments. But you say life
is passing you by. What is it that you want
to do that's passing you by?
Speaker 4 (47:36):
I feel like I want to put myself out there
more like I don't know. I I struggle a lot
with anxiety. I have a panic disorder. So it's just
hard for me to kind of be in public, be
able to get out of the car and actually go
into the store and not walk out, you know, empty handed,
(47:58):
because too much, you know. So I'm working on that.
I'm working on actually being being able to do things
without having a gut feeling that it's wrong.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
What you what have you been doing that you have
a gut feeling is wrong?
Speaker 4 (48:21):
I don't know, Just like being in public, I just
I just I just hate like even driving, Like I
just feel like everybody's staring at me, like you know,
Like I don't know, like I just hate. I just
feel like every like I'm being perceived and I just
hate that, huh. Like I just I just don't want to, like,
(48:44):
I don't know, like you know, I'm not a noticeable
person at all. I'm small, like you know, I'm small,
like I don't know, probably look like ninety percent of
the population here in New Mexico. So like, I don't know,
I don't bring much attention to myself. But I feel like,
you know, as if I were wearing a bright kneon costume,
you know, and everybody's staring at me and looking at
(49:06):
me weird, and I feel like, you know, I whispering
things about me when they're obviously the people don't care.
Speaker 2 (49:13):
You know.
Speaker 1 (49:14):
Yeah, yeah, it sounds it sounds like an extreme amount
of like self consciousness.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
Yeah, so you did.
Speaker 1 (49:21):
You're you're trying therapyre for the third time. What did
your real therapists say about this?
Speaker 4 (49:29):
Well, she just says that I've been in such a
state of mind that I am just I'm just looking
for things to validate like my feeling like my my
you know, the feelings of of people being against me,
of people watching me and stuff. I just like, I'm
just in the habit of looking, you know, I'm looking
(49:49):
for things to to be the way that I'm wanting
them to be. Instead of just taking things as they are.
So I'm just practicing on getting out of the habit
and I homework of like you know, telling myself that,
you know, like this isn't like this isn't me, Like
it's you know, my therapist tells me to like tell
myself like this isn't who I am, Like this is
(50:11):
you know, like a sorry. I do therapy and sadness.
So it's hard for me to translate into in English,
but essentially saying that, you know, I have like kind
of like an injury to my to my to myself,
but I've been kind of been a way injured and
(50:32):
that it's just the product of that hurt. It's not
like me, it's just like a symptom of it. And
so because I don't know, I've just felt that way
for so long and it's just kind of like it's
kind of like how I identify myself. I guess, like
how I ye see myself as a person at this point.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a fucking that's a dangerous,
a weird thing, man. Yeah yeah, yeah. You're like you
can you can like you can really ugh, you know what,
you know, what is one of the most fucking annoying
like contradictions of navigating mental health, like just personally is
(51:16):
there's the weird this, this is fucking contradiction of like, Okay,
in order to address an issue, you have to admit
that you have it, right, But by admitting you have it,
do you then feed into this narrative of.
Speaker 2 (51:38):
Yourself this is who I am?
Speaker 4 (51:40):
Yeah? See, And so like I went, I went so
many years with just like trying to like deal with
it on my own that I just I guess that
was my way to cope with it. And now, you know,
I take little tones in people's voices and I'm like, yeah,
like that person's mad at me, that person doing this,
you know, And I'm just trying to validate what I'm
(52:02):
thinking when it's not there. And so it's kind of
like this fake reality you know that I'm living because
it's not what's happening. And I know, so it's just
it's it's also you know, like you said, you have
to recognize it, and yeah, I recognize it, but I'm like,
this is fucked up. Like now I know that it's
fucked up, you know.
Speaker 1 (52:22):
M Yeah, I think there's there's like there's definitely something
optimal to like recognize it, right, because there's a thing
I'm not saying, you know, I'm not here to I'm
not going to diagnose anyone. I'm just saying about myself, right,
like I like myself, for example. Just for me to
be like, I'm mentally ill, you know, is a weird
(52:46):
thing because if I say to myself I'm mentally ill,
or I have or like I have clinical depression, I'm
a depressed guy, then I like feared to feed into
this like narrative of like I'm a label of something,
you know, which I don't, which I don't like. But
then on the other hand, I found it to be
(53:08):
helpful to be like, oh shit, I'm mentally ill. That's
why I do these things. They don't necessarily they don't.
I'm mentally ill, That's why I do these things. You
find a way you do things, And then you know,
what is cool is because we understand that our perceptions
of the planet are like how we fucking experience it's
(53:29):
necessarily reality, you know. So I'm like, oh, the actual
reality that I'm living in is so different from the
universe I have in my head because I'm mentally ill.
And that's and that and that's really that's helpful information
(53:51):
to have, I think, but you don't. That's helpful information
to have, but you gotta I think it's also important
to you can kind of both think this can be
true at the same time. It's helpful information to have.
But then there's gotta be at some point where you're like,
all right, I'm not gonna you know, I'm mentally ill.
That's why I'm feeling this way. So let's you know,
(54:14):
try to mitigate it, manage it, actively work towards it.
That's kind of like we're talking about like cognitive behavioral therapy,
which is just like this which I'm gonna start talking about.
I've never read a book about it, or even I've
never even read an article about it. I was I
just started thinking about it from the you know, I
read like a paragraph or something. I was like, basically,
(54:35):
it's just like it's just reframing your brain how you
think about things. I thought it was stupid. Actually, I
really did. I've been in so many situations where I
you where if you told me that the issue was
my own perspective, I would tell you to go fuck yourself.
(54:59):
I really yeah, But you know, I look back and
I look forward. Now I'm like a lot of it,
you know, is I mean, you know, again, for you
it's like you live in this world where everyone's out
to get you and everyone you know feels a certain
way about you, but it's just not it's just not
true of the actual world you live in, you know.
Speaker 4 (55:23):
Yeah, And you know, I'm able to like discuss these
things with like my sister and like my parents, Like
I talk to them about it, and it's and I feel, like,
you know, before I started dealing with like my mental stuff,
like my family was so close off to it, like
and now I'm able to openly tell my mom, like, hey,
like feeling a little anxious right now, and like, you know,
I'm able to like communicate and recognize the feeling of it.
(55:46):
So like it's definitely I've come a long way, I
would say, but it's definitely not enough, because like I know,
I'm still dealing with a lot of things, and especially
now with my son, you know, he's almost he's almost five,
and I do not have patience. Get I have the
worst patience ever, and it's you know, and so like
(56:09):
that's something I'm learning for him as well, because I
don't know. I just feel like, you know, because of
my issue is it's not anfair that I take it
out of my son and stuff, and so like, I
you know, it's I'm very aware that, you know, I could,
you know, I'm in charge of my son's childhood and
his feelings for the rest of his life, and so
(56:29):
like it's very scary to like not being able to
like regulate your own emotions to like trying to teach
that to like your.
Speaker 2 (56:38):
Child, you know.
Speaker 4 (56:40):
Yeah, And so it's like we're learning. It's like, you know,
I'm literally learning with him. And it's like he's five
and I'm twenty five, and it's it's crazy that I'm like,
you know, like and I'm starting therapy now that he's
for so I'm like, you know, I've been a mom
for like four and a half years, and it's just
really scary to think that, like I've gone on so
(57:00):
long without help and and I'm starting to realize, you know,
like not that I'm exactly like affecting my son's childhood,
but like you know, like I can and that's I could,
you know, And that's scary. That's really scary, you know,
and like having you know, like making your child feel
(57:23):
things that you felt when you were a child, Like
that's something that I wouldn't want for him, and so
like I'm that's that's really what's in the back of
my head at twenty four to seven at the end
of the day, like there you know my son.
Speaker 1 (57:37):
Yeah, but I but I I commend you, Michaela, because you're, ah,
you know, you're getting help, You're trying to do this.
Speaker 4 (57:51):
Yeah, I'm trying.
Speaker 2 (57:53):
So yeah, yeah, I.
Speaker 1 (57:54):
Know, yeah, I know, you mean, I know how that can. Yeah,
I fear, but I think you know, we talked to
train guy about this a little bit, I think, and
you know, we've I mean, we have had a lot
of people who have kids talk talk on the show
about you know, being afraid that they're going to fuck
him up. Even even people who aren't, you know, who
(58:15):
haven't experienced some kind of like uh, you know, mental
health crisis or whatnot, get worried that they're gonna like
fuck fuck things up. But I think I think at
(58:35):
the end of the day, uh, as long as you try, right,
I mean, look look at your you know, look at
his dad. He's not even trying.
Speaker 4 (58:48):
He's not even there, right, Yeah, So like I don't
have a choice, you know. And it's not that I
love my kids, but you know, like sometimes you're human,
you know, and it's I don't know, it's tough. So
I'm just I'm always thankful for the hope I have
and yeah, because yeah, I mean I've gone through a
(59:11):
lot of mental shit when my son was younger, and
I'm just glad he was as little as he was
so that he wouldn't you know, have to remember or
see things. But like he's he's starting to make memories
and it's starting to like, you know, form connections. So
like it's it's important for me to like, not I
(59:32):
haven't seen me in the state that I was before.
Speaker 1 (59:36):
Oh yeah, yeah, but you know, I just uh well,
I mean listen, before we go, just give yourself at
give yourself a little bit of compassion here, right, you know,
recognize that you're trying. This is another perspective thing, you know,
(59:58):
because right because you're living in a world, because you're
kind of living in a world where your narrative is
I have all these issues and they're gonna manifest and
I'm gonna fuck up my kid with my own issues
(01:00:18):
and stuff, and you know, yeah, that's that's that's one
of infinite narratives that you could feed. But there's more helpful, yeah, more,
you know, logically more even even more objectively true narratives
(01:00:42):
that exists that you couldn't even refute. Where you're like, Okay,
well I tried to have a life with this guy
or I don't know what the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy war.
But where you're like, I try to have a life
with this guy and then he ran out and I'm
(01:01:03):
staying and I'm recognizing that I'm fucked up, and I'm
trying to get help, and I'm trying to be a
good mom, uh as best as I realistically can with
the limited time and energy that I have, as you know,
a human being, and I'm I'm trying my best, and
(01:01:30):
I'm I go to bed each night satisfied that I
at least gave a give a shot. And that's good.
So you know, you look, you can feed that wolf
in your brain. So so so if if there's a
(01:01:50):
if you walk away from this conversation with anything, I
hope it's that you choose to feed a different narrative
about yourself and this situation rather than the one that
scares you because you don't have to feed the scary narrative. God,
(01:02:14):
I swear on my life doing this podcast is just uh,
or are you talking to you right now? I'm just
I'm I'm I'm really just talking to myself. I'm really
just talking to myself.
Speaker 2 (01:02:28):
So yeah, no, I mean thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (01:02:30):
I've I've had it in my chest for a long time.
I've wanted to talk to you and get a different
point of view.
Speaker 2 (01:02:39):
So thank you.
Speaker 4 (01:02:39):
I really really appreciate your time.
Speaker 1 (01:02:42):
Absolutely. Is there anything else you want to say to
the people of the computer before we go?
Speaker 4 (01:02:46):
Nope, I'm glad I got to talk to you.
Speaker 1 (01:02:48):
Thank you, Thank you, Mikayla. You have a the rest
of the.
Speaker 4 (01:02:50):
Night, you too, Thank you, Gode.
Speaker 1 (01:02:55):
That was Mikayla. That was some That that was some real.
That was the most most real therapy I've done in
so long. I was in the mood. I just was
it was like, I don't know, it was just what
I was already thinking about today, and I have energy.
I'm back in my actual Gecko studio. I drank a
(01:03:15):
coffee before this, so I'm I'm feeling I'm feeling gecked. Up.
Thank you for sharing. MICHAELA.
Speaker 2 (01:03:30):
Hello, Yo, what's up? What's up?
Speaker 1 (01:03:35):
What's your name?
Speaker 2 (01:03:37):
My name is Christian.
Speaker 1 (01:03:39):
What's going on? Christian? How can I get you today?
Speaker 2 (01:03:43):
Yes, hello, Lyle. I would like to talk to you
today about my trip to New York and I was
looking for you in the park and ended up getting
to a random side quest.
Speaker 1 (01:03:57):
Yeah, what was the side quest?
Speaker 2 (01:04:01):
So? I went to New York like last month, and
I was walking around Washington Square Park by myself, and
I was looking for you, and I was asking a
bunch of people like, oh, have you seen the therapy gecko?
Have you seen the therapy gecko? And everyone was like no, no,
(01:04:22):
I haven't seen the therapy gecko. And then I asked
this guy that was selling weed if he's seen the
therapy gecko and he was like nah. Oh. He was
like yeah, yeah I do. I do see him during
the weirdo hours, which I guess is six to ten
o'clock according to the weed name there at the park. Yeah. Yeah.
(01:04:43):
And then some random guy was like, oh, I think
you're the therapy gecko. So I was like, what do
you need? Do you think I'm the therapy get So
then I sat down with him, and I rolled up
a Dutch with from Zaza in it, and at first
he didn't want to hit it because I guess New
York has a flavored tobacco band, so everyone just rolls
(01:05:06):
a bunch of joints, which is kind of wag, but whatever.
And then yeah, we ended up smoking. And then it
was me, him and like a group of five strangers
and we just got into a great conversation. They're asking
me about what I did in New York. So then
I went shopping. I saw this guy, James that makes
(01:05:27):
custom leather belts on the side of the road, and
one of the people there also happened to have one
of those belts. And then we all smoked together and
just enjoy the good sash talking about the Therapy Gecko
and it was like the Therapy Get Go, but with
random people in the park, Like we were just all
talking about random shit.
Speaker 1 (01:05:48):
Yeah I did. That's awesome. I'm so, I'm so that's cool.
I'm glad that you can go to the park and
talk to a random guy and he's like, yo, that
I've seen that fucking uh cryptid. Yeah, dude, that park
is cool. It's always filled with like, yeah, six to
ten is definitely weird. Oh hours. It's it's filled with
(01:06:09):
like random ass shit. I was there last night. I
go there and I go there almost every day. I
go there all the time when I'm not in the costume.
I just love existing there. It's just so I.
Speaker 2 (01:06:20):
Was looking for you, man, I was looking for you.
I've been a long time fan. Hmm.
Speaker 1 (01:06:27):
I'm glad I could send you on a side. Yeah,
that's a perfect place if you want to like get
into a weird thing where you're smoking weed with a
stranger that you are like I, in no other situation
in my life would be hanging out with this person.
That's where. That's one of the places you can go
in the world to do that.
Speaker 2 (01:06:44):
I honestly think wash is like it's like a bar
for people that smoked ha ha.
Speaker 1 (01:06:51):
I love that. Oh man. It is kind of like
a kind of like a bar for people that smoke weed. Yeah,
you know, I took Yeah, I took a friend. I
took a friend to Washington Square last night and he
saw that there's all these tables of people smoking weed
and he was like, is this legal? And I was like,
(01:07:13):
who cares, It's Washington Square Park. You know, do whatever
you want, live your life. He gives a shit. Yeah,
I still don't.
Speaker 2 (01:07:22):
It was very odd to me.
Speaker 1 (01:07:23):
I still don't know if it's legal.
Speaker 2 (01:07:28):
I think it's I mean, it's got to be treating.
So I live in Browd County, Florida, which is like
Port Lauderdale type area, and it's not legal here. So
I have like a medical marijuana card so that, you know,
I could do what I do without getting fucked with.
And I remember I have a buddy that goes to
NYU over there, so I kind of go there like
(01:07:48):
a few times a year to visit and see my boy.
And I remember walking around after rolling up and he
was like, oh, spark it. But there was like a
cop right next to us, and I was like, you know,
being all scared, and I just remember sparking it right
next to the cop, and it was like, it's such
just a real experience, like being able to just walk
(01:08:08):
past a police officer smelling like an absolute pound and
they just don't give a fuck.
Speaker 1 (01:08:14):
It's funny. It's it's dude, It's really crazy, uh, being
in places where it's like if you smoke weed, you're
you go to jail for twenty years, right, Like it's
that fucking illegal versus in the States where yeah, you
can just blow smoke in a CoP's face and well
(01:08:35):
if you did that, they'd probably care.
Speaker 2 (01:08:38):
But well not here in Florida, because I mean I've
been pulled over. Like, I'm a car guy, so my
car is like kind of low and it just it
looks a little bit different than like your average car.
So I guess sometimes I'm like targeted, I guess you
could say. And I'm always super, super super nervous about
(01:09:02):
the smell of my car, even though I have all
the legal you know, like ship that you are supposed
to have.
Speaker 1 (01:09:08):
Well, well you're not allowed to smoke weed and drive.
Oh you're not in no state are you or will
you ever in history be allowed to smoke weed and drive.
You know what's so fun? I haven't driven a car,
and well, man, I used to get high and drive
(01:09:30):
my car all the time. You really shouldn't do that.
Speaker 2 (01:09:34):
But no, no, no, no, let me I have.
Speaker 1 (01:09:38):
I have.
Speaker 2 (01:09:39):
I will honestly tell people the exact opposite.
Speaker 1 (01:09:44):
Shut up, here's what that's it's that you're wrong. I
won't hear your argument. I do it. I do it,
and I'm I will, I will. It's like, it's like
the way I feel about smoking weed and driving is
the way I feel about like eating meat. It's like,
I think it's objectively wrong, and I do it anyway
(01:10:07):
because it's really it's awesome. But I'm not gonna pretend
it's not. It's an objectively bad thing. It's an objectively
bad thing to get high and drive.
Speaker 2 (01:10:23):
Well. Do you ever feel like you smoke and then
or not? Do you ever feel like when you're doing
something that you do every day with being sobered, do
you ever feel like you brush through it and you're
just moving too quickly?
Speaker 1 (01:10:42):
I don't. I'm not, I'm not. I'm not following that.
I mean, I know, I know the logic you're trying
to present, but I think it's I think it's wrong.
Speaker 2 (01:10:51):
No, I think I think.
Speaker 1 (01:10:55):
It's fun though that likes to drive that.
Speaker 2 (01:10:57):
And I tell you, what if I.
Speaker 1 (01:10:58):
Do you drive drive? Do you do you get do
you get high and drive fast?
Speaker 2 (01:11:05):
No, it's the opposite. I normally drive fast when I'm
sober because I'm just like, I'm just like, oh, like
it's number one. It's kind of fun. I have a
heavy foot and I just don't have any patience. You know,
everyone's driving slow and they're creating these walls on the highway,
and you know, I just got places to be. But
when I'm off the zall like I really don't care,
(01:11:26):
Like if you know, if I'm doing five twenty under
the speed limit, it really doesn't matter. Like the music
is hitting the wind is you know, is winding, and
I don't feel like I have to press the gas
as much because I'm off the gas.
Speaker 1 (01:11:48):
That was a good quit. That was a good quit.
What's your name again?
Speaker 2 (01:11:54):
My name it's Christian?
Speaker 1 (01:11:57):
Hmm, Christians? There anything else want to say to the
people of the computer before we go.
Speaker 2 (01:12:11):
Don't drink and drive, Okay, yeah, don't drink and drive,
but maybe maybe, you know, maybe it's okay to do
some other things. I'll drive if if your body allows
you to everybody different. I could never drink and drive.
Speaker 1 (01:12:26):
I you ever you ever get? You ever get? You
ever get drunk and then like sleep in your car.
Speaker 2 (01:12:32):
I never get drunk ever, Like I mean I might
get like like I've never been like really really drunk.
I'm not good with alcohol. I'm kind of skinny every
time if I take a shot it's within those five
minutes of after taking those shot, I'm gonna throw up.
It's guarantee.
Speaker 1 (01:12:58):
Thank you for calling Chris.
Speaker 2 (01:13:00):
All right, Gey, take it easy, love the show.
Speaker 1 (01:13:02):
Thank you, brother, appreciate it. You have the rest of
the night, get too. That was Chris. That was the
Therapy Gecko podcast. What an episode today. We had three
good calls. We talked to the truck gentlemen. We talked
to the lady about a feeling like the world is
(01:13:26):
against her. We talked about the park and weed. I
feel good about this episode. This had everything in it.
This head had this had emotion, had stories. This was
a good episode of the podcast. This felt like a
like a quintessential standard day at the Therapy Get Headquarters.
(01:13:53):
Thanks for joining me on this. Oh yes, if you
live in Edmundton, Canada. If you live in Edmonton, Canada,
I am doing a show at Mayswan University November sixth. Also,
(01:14:13):
also if you're still listening, if you're listening right now,
if you would see me live to do a show
in twenty twenty six, comment below on YouTube or Spotify
and let me know if you would come see a
show and where you live. It's helpful information for me anyway,
(01:14:41):
thank you all for joining Get bless see you guys
around the universe again.
Speaker 2 (01:14:48):
Goes on the Live taking your phone calls every night. Ever,
Acon goes.
Speaker 1 (01:14:53):
To I'm teaching you Cloud.
Speaker 2 (01:14:55):
In the interview, Lived is
Speaker 1 (01:14:57):
Not really an expert.
Host
Lyle Drescher
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!